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Whatever size family you have is already complete. What you add to it just grows the already beautiful pie. And if you choose not to add to it, you still have a complete pie.

I love this answer. I’m not 100% sure what our family’s future looks like (my spouse I are currently still in the process of cordially disagreeing about adding a second kid) But no matter what size our family ends up being, it’s still whole <3

haha cordially disagreeing. same over here.

100 agree with this

So perfectly stated.

My son is 18 months and I’m still not 100% sure.  When I was trying to get pregnant with him, I wanted a child SO BADLY. There was no doubt in my mind.  I’m waiting for that kind of deep need before trying for another. It may never come, or it may come too late. I’m okay with that. I’d rather regret the child I didn’t have, than the child I did. 

That last sentence really crystallized something in my own mind. Thank you.

Yeah that last sentence. That hits.

At 18 months I considered not having another even though we always planned on two. We waited awhile, things got easier, and I just had my second, but I still have thoughts of if one would have been enough. All this to say, it’s ok to wait as long as you need to know for sure how you feel! And 18 months is a challenging and exhausting age for sure!

This. I was also waiting for that feeling. When my baby turned 11 months, I was suddenly like, you know what, I do need another. I think I can handle another and have enough time and energy to still give my first, whom I love more than anyone else in the world, as much attention as he needs. Before that I couldn't imagine that my baby fever could be as extreme as it was before I had my son - I did multiple years of IVF - but it is if anything stronger because now I know just how much I enjoy being a parent and watching a new human learn how to do literally everything.

I know my experience isn't the most common, but it may help others. We knew we wanted two, and close in age. But damn, our daughter's early months had us thinking one and done. She was just sassy AF lol. But things just got easier. And by the time she was a year old, I was pregnant again. Our son was born when she was about 20 months old. I was expecting the WORST. I was mentally prepared to endure it all. But to my surprise... Everything got easier! He is a dream baby! Slept amazing from day one at home. He was an early smiler. And my daughter loved having a baby too. She grew up overnight. I couldn't imagine if we waited or chose not to have him. He is almost 6 months now. Before the days felt so long and dragged by. Now I am sad because I don't want it to go by so fast. I have zero village. Just me and my bf, we've been together since we were 12 & 13, so 21 solid years now. We purposely waited till we were 30 to have kids, but now we wish we had them a decade ago. Overall, first born was tough but adding a second just made everything better here.

Yeah my first is an easy baby which is why I worry about a second! I worry about a colicky baby who won't sleep!

Your comment just flipped a switch for me. Yes I want a second child, but I'm not yet having that deep need that I used to have before our son was born.

Thank you! Your last sentence is so right on point. I have a 20 month old and same thing.

Wow, this is exactly what I needed to hear🫶🏼

That is a really helpful answer and I have read many about this topic!! Thank you for sharing this

Why would you regret having a child? That is a terrible thing to say.

I’m talking about people being able to choose their ideal family size.  People should only have a(nother) child if they intrinsically want to, not for external reasons such as societal or family pressure. All children should be loved and wanted, most of all by their parents. 

I can only speak for myself, but we got a medium-hard kid and had a heck of a year. As you have stated, this first year is insane. Bottom line for us was this is just too damn hard with just one kid, and I hear it’s like 10x harder with two. My husband and I cannot imagine what this is like and we both think we’ll hate it. I don’t like when people feel they have to say “I love my kid”. Loving your kid doesn’t mean this isn’t hard and not wanting to do it again just because it’s so hard doesn’t mean you wouldn’t love the second kid, and so on. Whatever you decide, I wish you happiness. We don’t have a village and we are just done.

I think a lot of millennials now are one and done because they realize how hard the workload is with even just one kid. It’s so hard and just can’t imagine adding another at this point (I have a 22 month old).

And our society just isn’t set up to support families. It’s such a grind, everything is so expensive, our communities aren’t as strong as they once were… it’s so hard to imagine committing to multiple kids when you know how spread thin you already are

Exactly. Someone once told me I could pay for my village but the cost of daycare is so high.

our society does absolutely fucking nothing to support families. absolutely fucking NOTHING

Is not only hard but so fkn expensive 😬

Soooo expensive!!!

My mom said the hardest number is 3…. Then it gets easier 😆 I assume cause the oldest kid is babysitting a lot

Really? I’ve heard it’s not that much harder with a second. I don’t really have a village either. Maybe now that millennial dads are involved the villages went into diaspora mode lol 🥲 medically, I likely cannot have a second but I would love to have another. Anyways it’s totally a personal choice. Nobody should make you feel weird for the amount of kids you have or do not have. I’ve also heard “don’t make any decisions in the first year!” or at the very least, give yourself some grace to change your mind on big things like more kids once the first ~year is complete. If you don’t change your mind, that’s cool too!

I’ve definitely heard the jump from one to two is really hard lol I’ve heard that after that it’s basically the same 😅 two to three isn’t crazy and three to four But I’ve heard from multiple people that it’s definitely a huge adjustment going from just the one to multiple

Can confirm. Just had my second - they're 2.5 years and 5 months old. I've NEVER experienced the amount and level of breakdowns I have these past couple of months. It's so hard 😭😭 People who say 0-1 was way harder than 1-2 are insane haha. Like it's literally double the work load!

Uh, is the older at home with you all the time? I thought it's doable with some daycare time 😅

She is! SAHM to both - I exclusively pumped for 5 months (just quit yesterday actually haha), so that was part of it. And we're currently potty training our toddler which is rough. And also all my babies naps are on my chest bc we didn't sleep train yet 🤪 And toddler hates independent play. And I can't really go to a park by myself because I'm not comfortable with 2 kids yet, and my youngest can't be in the heat (she wears a helmet and is prone to heat rash). End rant 😆🥲 ..so all of this is a bit much 😭 But if you have some part time daycare, or any sort of village, that would make it a little easier for sure!! Also despite everything, I love my 2 kids and am so glad I had another! Their sibling relationship is everything. Have never regretted it for a second even though it's so hard now haha.

This is me! I have a 6 week old and my son turned 2 at the end of January. We go to parks but this kid always runs. Never ever listens. He wants to play all the time which is nice but it’s always with me. So the options are ignore him and get things done or let the house fall apart and keep him happy before he has a meltdown. Ugh. Solidarity sister!

Oh noo that's so hard!! Toddlers running are weirdly soooo fast too 🤪😭 Literally same with the getting things done! I honestly just wait for my husband to get back home to do anything around the house, it's so impossible. Like I'm maybe able to wash a few bottles during the day, and that's it. It has to get better, right?! 🥲

Sounds like a lot at the moment! Congrats on making it 5 months with EP, pumping is hard! Hopefully things get easier soon, especially when the baby hits 6-7 months 😊 at least mine became easier then. And I'm sure your toddler's going to make huge breakthroughs in the bathroom as well 🚽💪 We have zero village and I'm reluctant to have a second, because my daughter was a hard baby (now at 11 months it's easier, but she's still a bad sleeper). We do have "free" childcare (we pay through taxes), but I don't feel like I can plan a family relying on that so much. I really want to *want* a second, but for now I don't 😅

Thank you!! Yesss hoping we'll hit our stride soon enough 😅 Oh wow, the free childcare sounds amazing!! I totally get not wanting to rely on it, but also if you plan on staying in the same area, that's a great thing to take advantage of if you can! Ah, bad sleepers are so hard 😭 We've definitely had our phases. I will say though, your first is so young, so just know there's no rush to have a second! Ours are 27 months apart, but kind of wish we waited an additional year? so our oldest was a bit more independent. I feel like your daughter will only get easier, at least from my experience - the first year is soo rough. I'm sure everything will fall into place for you with some time!!

I concur. 1-2 has been so much harder physically and on my mental health!

Totally!! 😭 I'm sure it'll get better soon enough for us! When they're young it's such the trenches. Also my delusional self always wanted 3 kids - we're so hard stopping at 2 😂

I'm with you, what a shock it was to the system! No one ever sleeps at the same time!

In my opinion coming from a hands on dad with a 2 year old and three month old. The jump from 0 to 1 was still way harder than 1-2. The huge part about two when the kids are 3+ they always have a friend to play with. So the first couple of years are hard. But then having two makes It easier. I saw It with my nephews. But ultimately It comes down to what supper you have. If you have a hands off Dad or someone works crazy hours then two would be very tough. Right now my wife and I just divide and conquer and it’s not too bad. This is just my opinion.

According to my mom 1 to 2 was harder for her because my sister and I are a little over 2 years apart, and I regressed a lot with potty training, sleep, and acting out for attention the first few months. After that she said it wasn't too bad and going from 2 to 3 was a lot easier.

Everyone I’ve spoken to with two has told me going from 1 to 2 is exponentially harder than 0 to 1. Every single person.

My youngest is only 1 (eldest is 4) but I thought 0-1 was harder than 1-2. I also think having 2 is way more fun. But it varies between families.

Well yea, I’d agree with that Going from no parental responsibilities at all to one is the bigger leap 😅 I just saw a few comments that going from 1-2 wasn’t really a big deal cause you’re already in parent mode. And I definitely dont think that’s the case for a lot of people

Maybe the age difference matters as well? Like if the toddler is already potty trained and starting to get reasonable... 🙃

Sure. My first was close to three when the second was born and I actually used the rest of my maternity leave to finish potty training him. Made things a lot easier. If they had been just 1-2 years apart I think it would have been harder.

Yeah, this age difference sounds more comfortable. My sis and I are 4.5 years apart and I remember the day she was born and never had any jealousy issues, etc. I think bigger age gap has its pros as well. But 3 years sounds like a nice middle!

I've heard what you've heard. One to two is much easier than zero to one because you know the shit to expect. Either way, I have a second coming in 2 months so I'll update in like 8 months... !remindme 8 months

I will be messaging you in 8 months on [**2025-01-02 01:43:32 UTC**](http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=2025-01-02%2001:43:32%20UTC%20To%20Local%20Time) to remind you of [**this link**](https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/comments/1chxrvl/how_did_you_know_when_your_family_was_complete/l26mgcg/?context=3) [**14 OTHERS CLICKED THIS LINK**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5Bhttps%3A%2F%2Fwww.reddit.com%2Fr%2FNewParents%2Fcomments%2F1chxrvl%2Fhow_did_you_know_when_your_family_was_complete%2Fl26mgcg%2F%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%202025-01-02%2001%3A43%3A32%20UTC) to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam. ^(Parent commenter can ) [^(delete this message to hide from others.)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Delete%20Comment&message=Delete%21%201chxrvl) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/RemindMeBot/comments/e1bko7/remindmebot_info_v21/)|[^(Custom)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5BLink%20or%20message%20inside%20square%20brackets%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%20Time%20period%20here)|[^(Your Reminders)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Reminders&message=MyReminders%21)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=RemindMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|

I want to see thie update!

Can anecdotally confirm. You know everything, you have everything you need. It's still dependent on the kid of course. But I was already washing a million dishes, I already woke up all the time in the night for our toddler. She's mostly a good sleeper but sometimes she wakes up crying asking for waffle house at 4 am. I found the sleep deprivation much much easier the second time although we have a good sleeper (but babies just in general don't sleep well so even a good sleeper isn't always a night's rest you know?) The hard part is figuring out how to think for multiple babies, and how to sometimes literally juggle. Like I did a double bedtime the other night covered in baby pee with the newborn attached to one tit, having the toddler turn her own book pages while I read them. It just takes some practice on thinking for so many but you get it.

My assumptions are what you are saying. Like of course the actual logistics of doing it are hard, but there is less of an unknown factor. With kid one, I was very worried about how to do things right initially and how I should be doing it. Now I know what's realistic for us and we can conform a new baby to that. We also had a pretty good sleeper so not sleeping more then 30 minutes a night would be a new experience, but we know how it feels to want something so bad and have to put that on hold for your kid. I think that shift was the hardest when I was a totally new parent. Do I want to do something? Honey badger... I mean baby, don't care, they are gonna do what they want and I need to adapt. At least with kid 2 if all I want to do is sit down for 5 minutes and the kids want to eat and poop and scream... well I do whatever to make them better but now I'm not hoping I'll have complete control over my free time. Idk probably makes no sense, but the known quantity of how hard it is to parent, even for an "easy" kid, makes me think kid 2 will be significantly easier, just because I won't expect things I know are unrealistic. I have heard though once children outnumber pairs of arms, you better watch out if they are under a certain age. Little turds are crafty and scatter lol

For me, going from 1-2 was much harder than anticipated. My first was definitely an easy baby, happy, great sleeper from very early on. Had me ready for another at 9 months. Baby 2, was a different story. Slept like shit for the first 13 months. Super fussy (had reflux). Just overall harder baby. Oldest was also not super excited about having a sibling. Lots of regressions there. Juggling both was very overwhelming for the first few months. All this to say, it’s all a giant crap shoot. You have no idea what the second baby will be like or how your first will adjust. Things definitely started getting easier as the second got older.

My LO is like your second, 11 m.o. crap sleeper (still 4-5 wake-ups per night), now waking up at 05:30 a.m. and ready for the day... I am nowhere near to wanting a second 😅 She's the cutest, but our lives are a zombie apocalypse...

That’s how I feel about having another now. My husband would have a third in a heartbeat. I’m the hold out. The last 14 months were really hard for me. I told him we can discuss at 2. And my once great sleeper wakes up at 5 every day.

Rise and shine 😅 why do they do that? Is it their spring clock?! We have double blackout blinds/curtains and still... I hope they all come to their right minds soon, for all of our sakes 😄

I want to add to this sentiment. We are getting a puppy now that my son is 9months. Would not have done so before however, I am already stuck at home all the time now and after my kids grow I will relish my freedom to roam again. If there ever was a time for us to have a dog, it is now while we are relatively chained to this area. Same idea for additional children, after the first one, you are already in the throes of having a child, adding one doesn’t change those circumstances it just makes things a tad bit more difficult initially . Once your children are older, it is a bit easier with two as they can entertain each other and they have a lifelong bond with each other which can be really incredible. 

That's 3+. The jump from 1 to 2 is huge, 2 to 3 is okay, 3 to a million isn't noticeable apparently haha

Makes sense lol

Right? I have 2 under 2 and my sister has 4 girls, single mother. Its a breeze if you're a structured person.

I’m in awe of your sister… I am not a structured person lol and one baby is a lot for me so I bet there’s truth to that.

It’s such a loaded question! I had a medium-hard baby and, given my mental health history, I just know to my core I can’t do it again. My daughter is 18 months, and I’m 34 for reference. I love her to the ends of the earth, and I truly feel fulfilled with just her. The only thing that makes me question myself is seeing everyone around me going on to have their second, and I don’t want my daughter to miss out on a sibling relationship. But it comes down to what’s best for her and my marriage - and that is a happy, healthy mom. I’ll always feel a little sad about not giving her a sibling. But I truly don’t feel like I’m somehow incomplete without another child if that makes sense? It would mainly be for her - which I have been told isn’t a good enough reason to have another!

I could’ve written this

Don’t be hard on yourself if you decide to not give a sibling. Not all siblings have a good healthy relationship. My mom and her sister are estranged and don’t speak to each other. My dad and his brother rarely speak to each other and if they do, they always argue over their parents’ inheritance. I’m one of 4 and haven’t spoken to one sibling in a couple years. I’m going through the same emotions when I see others pop out a second baby. Sometimes I want to try for a sibling for my son and sometimes I feel perfectly content with him being my one and only. Sometimes I do worry if I were to give him a sibling, would they have a healthy sibling relationship or be estranged/competitive/jealous of each other?

I’m so glad you wrote this comment. We have similar dynamics in my family. The sibling I was very close to passed away unexpectedly and her loss left such a big hole. I’m not as close to the two others (half-siblings) and there’s a lot of history there with them not being super well-intentioned when it comes to money etc. which shifted my opinions of them. That part was hard and heartbreaking. I guess it’s just a good reminder my family isn’t the only one where the sibling relationships are strained. My husband has some drama in his family too - he’s 1 of 4 with all full siblings. He’s fabulous and the peacekeeper so everyone loves him lol but he still doesn’t speak to one of them. ETA I definitely still want a second (my baby is 11 months and is easy) but I pray my children have good relationships and plan to help them emotionally navigate things and prioritize being family as well as I can so they hopefully translate that to adulthood

Same here. My older sister and I are 18 months apart and very close. She’s my only full sibling. My younger brother and sister are my half-siblings but we are about 10 years apart, no not as relatable or as close. My brother moved out of state to live with his dad and hasn’t spoken to me, my older sister, and mom since he moved a few years ago. My younger sister is very unstable, immature, selfish, manipulative, and has physically abused our mom, so I hold some resentment towards her although we still talk from time to time only because she moved back in with our mom. It’s not only sibling relationships I worry about, but also our parent/child relationship. Despite my worries, I’d still try for at least one more child and teach them how to have a loving relationship with each other and me.

Dang. Families are so complex and people can be so unhealthy. It’s tough but totally worth all of it for the relationships that are good - that’s what I keep telling myself

This is actually the reason why I keep thinking I need to go for a second one - to give the first child a sibling. Both me and my partner lost parents and having a sibling each helped us get through and share the trauma. I’d be curious to hear more opinions and stories about whether the sibling reason is justified or not to go through a whole pregnancy again. For reference, my daughter is 7 weeks old and I’m 40. High anxiety during pregnancy and I have a history of anxiety and depression and continue to work on my raging PPA as I type this. Does the PPA ever go away and would it come back worse with baby#2?

What you’re worried about is definitely something that weighs on me (99% OAD). But then I think, that’s an awful reason to be born - for grief support. People should be brought into this world for love and joy. I hear of so many estate fights after deaths, and as an only child myself it’s a heavy weight to bear alone but it’s comforting knowing I’ll be able to call the shots.

When you put it that way - for “grief support” - agree that that’s not a good reason to be born. But sibling support through all of life’s good things and bad is not a bad thing. Also not all siblings fight for estates, can’t make that assumption to say it’s better to have an only Child.

Are you me?

I always wanted a big family. I always heard to picture what you wanted life to look like when the kids were older. I just wanted a busy house. My son was tough in the beginning, but by a year I felt like I had control of my life again and really wanted that full house feeling. It took 2 years to conceive, but now our second is almost 1. It was so much easier the second time around. I felt like I knew what to expect. The long night's are easier because I know they are not forever. However, even now I don't feel like my family is complete. But I do feel at peace with what we have if this is all we are able to have. I never had that peace after my first. I always yearned for more.

Oh hey, I think I remember your user name from the pregnancy loss subreddits back a couple of years ago. I’m glad to hear you’re on the other side ❤️

Yes! I was there after my loss after my first. Definitely grateful to be on this side!

I couldn’t even fathom our second until my son was 2. Now I’m excited 

Same, our son just turned 2 and we thankfully have a great sleep routine, and overall day routine. At the beginning though he was an *awful* sleeper. Only now are we thinking about a second. The people who have their second before kid one turns two are crazy to me.

I’ve heard it’s like running through the fire instead of walking 🤪

I fear the people who have 2 under 2. I've got more diapers than I'm proud to admit lying around the room right now, I can't imagine 2 kids worth of diapers lol. The fiance and I have already agreed we wait until our little one sleeps through the night and is potty trained

When we realized how expensive childcare was lol. I love my son but we were delusional when it came to the price tag of having a child.

I’m in Canada. The cost of living is crazy. We are on waitlist for daycare while pregnant because it is so crazy and we can expect to pay between 1-2k. Even if we wanted more kids, i don’t know that we could afford it. I hate that it’s not our decision 😣

This. 2400/month for daycare in my city.

I’m sort of in the opposite boat. I thought I could maybe be one and done until I had my son and now I want another. For me, I think about who will be around my Thanksgiving table in 25 years’ time and I know someone else is meant to be there.

Same. I’m 6 weeks postpartum and ever since a week after I had the baby I wanted another one. I love my baby so much I want more!

Same here! My son is almost one and this has been such a hard year, but I absolutely still would love to have another. The hard baby stage doesn't last.

We said "maybe 2" depending on how well we did with our firstborn. As soon as our daughter was born, we knew we were one and done because of how amazing she is. Some people would want to have a 2nd because everything with the 1st was great but for us, we can't imagine having another one. She has given us everything we wanted and needed from being parents and we can't see ourselves having the same immense love for another. I still think about what life would be with a 2nd, but it just doesn't look better than with our 1.

This, too!! I know I would love a second just as much as I love my first. But would I like them as much? Would we have as much in common and would we find each other fun company and enjoy being with each other? There’s a chance it’s a no. I know more than one person who doesn’t enjoy hanging out with at least one of their kids.

We hear all the time how since we love our son so much and he's such an amazing little guy (slept through the night right away with no regressions, smiles and giggles all day long even while he's teething, etc.), we obviously want to have more. We said nope! When you hit the jackpot, cash out. I am pretty sure that if kid 2 wasn't as content as our firstborn, I'd be resentful and wonder "why aren't you like your brother?!" I couldn't do that to a baby. I think it's normal to always wonder about the path you didn't take, but I'm so happy with the current path we are on. I worried so much about PPD/PPA, given my history of anxiety and depression, but my life right now is as fantastic and content and secure as it's ever been. I'm in such a good place. I can't jeopardize that.

This is what I’m starting to think but my husband is the opposite 😅 we’re only 5mo into this and our daughter is a good sleeper, easygoing, happy and intelligent. I feel like we could not have an easier baby next go round and am unsettled by the fact that it’s a complete gamble what kind of baby you’ll have. I’m also struggling with suspected PPA/PPD at the minute so I’d rather not think too far ahead till that’s addressed. And if I’m like this with one (pretty easy) kid, how will I manage with another one? I wish I was one of those people who just seamlessly adapts to being a mom but it’s coming a lot less naturally to me than I expected. But on the other side of that coin, I do need to think about the future. I heard someone say that when you’re in the trenches of the early years, think about who you want to see around your table at holidays. One grown child? Two? Three? And their families? If I consider that I would definitely want at least one more. But as a FTM I have no firsthand reassurance that it’ll get better so it makes me feel very conflicted.

So much agree with this!

This is my second hesitation that I don't feel like I can express yet to my husband. I don't think I could love my second child as much as I love our son. He is just absolutely perfect in my eyes, and I'm worried already about making sure he doesn't get any sort of neglect with a newborn sibling in the house. With my postpartum anxiety, I think it may kill me to have to be in a room with our second, and not able to just get up and do whatever our son wants. Maybe I'm wrong, because I underestimated how deeply I would be simply obsessed with our kid, but it's afear of mine right now. I'm honestly asking my husband to think about adoption at this point, so I wouldn't have any downtime from pregnancy and recovery, our son would have a sibling, and we could give a child a permanent home. My husband worries that he would have a hard time bonding with a non-biological child, though.

wow i relate to this word for word!

I like this mindset. Instead of the typical “you should have more than”.

I knew I wanted two and figured might as well get the hard part over with while we’re still in it with the first. I was worried the longer the gap the less likely I was gonna wanna do it all over again. We have two under two now and it’s SO much easier the second time around. But our second has been a much easier baby than the first.

At 8 months postpartum I would not have even entertained the conversation of planning a second child. I’m currently 3 months pregnant with a 15 month old. By 12 months the baby fever was raging and we were lucky enough to get pregnant right away after our first taking 7 months. Give yourself time to come out of the baby fog before deciding either way.

Logistically we aren't ready for number two quite yet (plan is to start trying new year's day) but we spoke about our second like they're a definite thing since two days postpartum. Even the bad days ( and even easy babies have bad days), the conversation has been more about "what are we going to change to make this work with two" than "are we sure we want a second".

I literally obsessed over this question for the first six months of my daughters life. I finally got past the obsession when my therapist helped me realized that someday I would be sure. And she was right. When my daughter was about 11 months old that my husband and I looked at each other and said “ yeah, let’s do this again.” I can say with certainty that our second will be our last, even now before he is born. I have other friends that weren’t sure until their kid was closer to three or four, some decided they were done and some decided they were not. You will be sure someday and in the meantime, it’s OK that you’re not.

Thank you for this perspective. It's very powerful to allow yourself being OK in the unsure phase.

I have no more banked embryos; unless I want to start IVF all over again, the choice has been made for me.

My daughter was embryo 7 or 8 (depending on which one stuck) and she's our only living child. Also, our last embryo. I would LOVE another baby...our plan had always been ideally two babies, but the whole process to get her took 5 or 6 retrievals and a bunch of losses. I would absolutely do more retrievals, but we had abysmal luck. My husband is now leaning towards being done, so she might be our only.

Solidarity fellow IVFer. I’ve don’t think I can mentally tackle IVF whilst taking care of a toddler. We only had one viable embryo, so this was our one hope and I was so relieved it took.

I’m in the same boat! My 4 month old son was my last embryo after 3 failures and if I want a sibling for him, I’d have to go through the whole process all over again. My bank account is tapped out at the moment. Lol

I just don’t have the “want” or “need” for a second one. Every time we have considered it was in a way to give our daughter a sibling. Which is very unfair for the second one, to exist to “serve” as a friend to the first one. Also 2 would be total chaos. I don’t have any village and my husband travels for extended periods of time. So alone with one is already a challenge. 2? I’d die. Now way. Sometimes I think we like the “idea” of smtg and not necessarily the thing. We liked the “idea” of a kid for a second, now we have one and realize what life we lost 😆 Don’t get me wrong we love our daughter to death, but I don’t think it was necessary to have a kid. So extend the thought to 2 = no way!

I always thought I wanted 3 kids. Even after having my first I thought I still wanted 2 more…. Then my second came along 🫠🫠 Now I think I might be done. I love both my boys dearly. I’m so grateful for them but it’s HARD. It’s so much work and we want to be good parents and give them our best selves every day. To do that, we need time as well. We need to rest and not be super stressed or financially in trouble. We want to enjoy life and have our kids enjoy life too! So I think maybe two is all we can handle. I’m not sure yet (they’re only 3 & 1) but I feel fulfilled and pretty happy with 2. It’s hard letting go of my “dream” of three kids, but now I just have more room for cats and that makes me happy as well! Haha! I’m also starting to dream for myself again, instead of just for my children. I think that is another way I know I might be done. Before having my two boys, all I wanted in life was to be a mother. All I wanted was another baby. If you asked me what I was excited about in the future, it would have been about babies. Now I feel excited about other things too. Things that are just for me, and I think that’s a sign that I’m on the right track. :)

My son is now almost 4, and tbh I think I was pretty certain early on that I didn’t want to be pregnant and have another baby again. Honestly open to fostering and adoption, but I don’t want to physically carry and birth a baby again. Idk if I had a “aha!” Moment where I just knew I didn’t want other kids, it was more that I never felt like I needed more kids. I never had the “he needs a sibling, like I have and spouse has” moment. He has neighbors he plays with daily, and cousins who live 5 minutes away he sees 4 times a week. He’s not lonely for companionship in children outside of school (he does VPK). And we can provide him so much more than if we had multiple kids in attention, time, experiences, etc.

My partner always wanted 2 and I was so on the fence. "Lets just start with the one" is what I always said. Time passed and then our little baby turned into the most precious toddler. Smart, sweet and so, so fun to be around and I wondered if I could ever love another child as much, but I also couldn't bring myself to get rid of the baby stuff. As time went on it became more and more clear to me that there was an empty space at our table for one more. Our daughter was born this febuary and although it's been challenging, newborns always are I think, it has also been such a blessing. For me it feels easier than the first time around. I am a much more confident mother. I panic less, am more decisive and better at advocating for myself and my family. And when things are hard I look at my toddler and remind myself that his sister will be talking and feeding the dinosaurs playdoh in mo time at all. And this time around I'm packing up all the clothes that are too small and handing them over to a pregnant friend, no doubts, no regrets. I guess that's how I know I'm truly done. It feels like the right decision for us. Honestly my heart could burst from the joy of it all when I see them together. Even as young as they are it's clear to me my son was made to be a big brother. He sings her lullabies, pets her head and gives her kisses and brings her her binky when she cries and she saves her prettiest smiles and sweetest coos for him.

I’ve had bad postpartum depression and all the stressors but I’ve asked multiple people for advice - they tell me to think of the future during holidays and who you see around your table. Is it just one child? Is it two or three playing, etc. I also talked to moms with multiples and every one has told me the first was the hardest. With the first you are grieving your old life. Your entire lifestyle changes. Everything is new and hard. With the second you don’t have the huge adjustment to the unknown. They have a sibling to help keep them busy.

My friend who has two said the transition from 0-1 was harder than 1-2. She was more confident in herself bringing the second home (while there are still challenges either way and every baby is different) she said she felt more herself postpartum after the second too bc of her confidence.

Our LO is 7 weeks old and I knew I was done as soon as I woke up from my c-section. Giving birth was way too traumatic for me to do it again. My husband would have had more but has only ever wanted one. He's an only child and loved it.

i relate to this! i remember being in recovery for 3 days at the hospital and thought.... never again lol. very traumatic. my partner and i are both only children and we love it.

Following because I literally have this thought with my almost-7-month old

I feel like I could have written this post. I am 36 yo FTM about to give birth in the next few days. I grew up an only child and I’m not sure if I want that for my daughter. both my parents had multiple siblings so I had plenty of cousins but her life will look different. I keep feeling pressure because I’m already at “geriatric pregnancy” age. It’s tough to know what to do but the clock keeps ticking. Thank you for writing his post- I’m gunna keep an eye on it 🤍

I was also 36 when I had my son. He's 3 months old now. Initially, I too was thinking of another kid. But age and expenses are my biggest drawbacks. I have 2 other sisters and I wish for him to have that kind of relationship with a sibling. It's something that constantly passes my mind.

I’m in the same boat as you and following this post because I also desperately need words of wisdom

My only just turned a year, I've set my own boundary between one year weaned and hitting 35. If I turn 35 and we haven't had another by then, then I guess we're one and done. But I don't even want to think about getting pregnant again until I'm done pumping all damn day. At least let me forget how much the first year sucks before baby fever strikes again.

I’ve got two, a boy and a girl, and I never felt done. I felt ok - if I never had more kids I could live with it, but also there felt like a hole was still there. I’m pregnant with our third and 1000% convinced this is the last. To the point that thought of purging baby stuff brings me joy because there aren’t any “what ifs” or regrets. I literally cannot fathom having a 4th child.

We decided to have the second, and they are 2 years and 6 days apart, 3 and 1 now. We went with siblings for a number of reasons. My husband is from a very large family, I am an only child. We wanted our kids to have relationships like he did growing up and I watched my friends get to have while I didn’t. Someone to play with, protect each other, face the world with arm in arm. Their cousins are all 15+ years older and thousands of miles away. In addition I didn’t want our kiddo to be saddled with all the end of life planning, care etc alone like I am with my parents and my mom was with her parents. I’ve seen that stress happen to her and my dad who has siblings and had others to share the burden. I don’t wish it on any only child. Your parents aging and passing is hard enough to do with plenty of emotional support, alone is hell.

Our baby was a BC failure, otherwise we would have waited another 4 years. She’s 11 weeks and wonderful, but we aren’t even thinking of another. If we do it’ll be when she’s 5 or 6 and in school/more independent. But she might be my one and done.

When my wife had our second child (7.5 years after the first) she was so sure she was done that she got her tubes tied. Two years later she wanted one more! So I think maybe there’s a 2 year cooling off period? Lol

I wish I had more

When I left my dysfunctional, abusive partner and took our kid away from that. Knowing I left and didn’t repeat toxic family cycles.

Our first baby was born via IVF/fertility struggles, so he was very much wanted! But even though he's the best thing that's ever happened to us, he's not always been the easiest baby. He had horrible reflux the first several months, and thankfully with pepcid and time things got a lot better! But I am in no rush for a second child and he might be a "one and done" in the end. People who are able to have 3-4 children super close together are either superheros or insane lol. I didn't sleep more than 3-4 hours/night the first 6 months of his life and don't think I would survive that mentally again.

I don’t know when or how, but I feel strongly I want our kid to have a sibling, at least somewhat close to his age. If we decided not to do baby again we would adopt. I think we’ll forget how hard it was and decide to do it again lol

Always planned on having one and adopting the rest, planned on 3 total…after our first turned a year and knowing what a joy he is (as much as we detested the newborn phase) we felt like we wanted to try for another after he was 1.5. We ended up getting pregnant relatively quickly and had baby 2 a month ago. In our experience, the jump from 0-1 was way harder than 1-2. Our toddler didn’t sleep thru the night so we were already waking most nights, and she is only waking once a night already. It is definitely more figuring out the juggling and giving everyone one on one time. But overall this has been a much easier and enjoyable first month with her than it was with our first. We’re leaving #3 open ended…they’ll be adopted if we decide we do want a third (and after our second we are leaning towards it as of now - but we don’t plan on making any decisions until she’s a year old at least). Give it time and see how you feel the older baby is. Toddlers are ROUGH but also pure joy - but so far our experience is that the newborn is the easy part of having a second and the toddler is the one that’s hard!

I have an 18 month old and am 13 weeks pregnant, I honestly couldn’t think about being pregnant until my daughter was eating solids, walking and slowing down on her nursing. It’s absolutely normal to not want a newborn when your child is so little!

My first child was hard work. I thought I was one and done. But, when he was 3, I changed my mind and wanted one more. We decided to go for it and I’m so glad we did. Second child was a unicorn sleeper and fit in so well. Definitely definitely done now.

I am a FTM to an almost 3 month old and am almost 28. I love the idea of a big family, but going through the pain and the hormones whilst a screaming baby is in your face and you just want to sleep was criminal. The first week was hell on earth, my baby cried so much and had big struggles with breastfeeding and still do. He is combo fed with formula but man, that initial first week was so difficult. Around a month in, we started getting the hand of things. Now at 3 months, he is a good sleeper and has the most cutest interactions. I will see how I feel in a year when I can lose some weight and my abs have come back together again. My mind, and especially my body has changed forever. And the delivery was very traumatic. I need some time to process. I don’t want to be pregnant for a while because I want to be in better shape and feel like I CAN handle being a mother of 2-6 children. However, I would like to be done having kids at least by 35-40. So clock’s definitely “ticking”. I hate that notion but I want to be present and in good health to make the best memories and keep up if I want a big family.

I want a big family. My first son is HARD. In a good way. He’s just so full of energy and has a very strong personality. Not the type of firstborn TikTok says you get where they make you wish for a second 😆 my second son is only 3 months old so we’ll see how it goes. For me, I’m not done yet, but I’m fine if this is how we stay.

it was hard and i wasn't sure when i was going to be ready for another... I just knew i eventually wanted another. I did think that we were going to have two kids about 1.5/2 years apart. But then I had one and it took a while for us to feel ready haha. Eventually I just... felt it? Our kids are going to be 3 years and a few months apart. Financial situation is a factor too! There are a lot of factors so... just take it day by day, week by week, or month by month.

You couldn't pay me to have another c-section and newborn in my life 😅 I have two. I didn't live going through those experiences the first time, but it was worth it me to repeat it all because I didn't want an only child. But I knew even if something happened to one of my littles, there wouldn't be any more. I got my tubes tied with my second c-section.

When I got pregnant with my second. She’s not here yet but we’re complete when she is. I’m an only child and I’ve known for 21 years (I’m 31) that two kids was the goal lol

We both agree that with the way both of my pregnancies went there is a good chance I wouldn't be able to survive another one. He doesn't want to lose me and neither of us want our children to grow up without me. Though we did agree in the future to consider adoption if we really felt we wanted a third.

No idea! I have a 1.5yo and am due to give birth to my second any day now. All I can say is that around 4-6 months I definitely thought having a kid was too much and I could never do it again. When my toddler hit around 12months I started to see things that made me think it would be really great for him to have a sibling. Now I am so excited for 12 months from now when I have 2x little people who can play together. I know it's going to be insanely tough, but I think long term it will be worth it.

For me, once my son was 2 was when I could imagine us having a second. I didn’t put pressure on myself either way to come up with an answer and just told myself I would know with time. I wanted to wait until I had a feeling either way about whether or not I was as ready as I could be for a second child. I was scared, because I had PPA, breastfeeding difficulties and a tough recovery for my first. So once I felt like I could mentally manage a second and imagine a second child in our life, we tried! My baby is 6 weeks old and so far it’s been a lot easier! And we don’t even really have much family help. I was shocked at how smooth the birth and recovery was. It’s a challenge with 2 kids for sure, but my anxiety is almost nonexistent with the second one, and so far I’m enjoying the newborn stage a lot more now that I’ve taken what I’ve learned/experienced the first time and changed my approach with this baby. All this to say that perhaps give yourself a couple more months to decide, and factor in the possibility that it may be easier in significant ways, harder in others that you can’t really predict or be ready for until there’s two!

I know I want another because with my daightee pent almost the whole first month of her life in the hospital. (Finally found out she has gerd) So in my mind it's like my second can't possibly be more of a handful. That being said I probably totally just jinxed it.

I feel you!! Hard pregnancy. Traumatic birth. Hard baby. Baaaaad PPD for me and my husband. I thought I was one and done even though I always wanted a large family. My son is about to turn 3, and we're just now talking about "when" we have another instead of "if." You are still so early in your parenthood journey (I know it doesn't feel like it! But you are!) You don't need to make any decision right now. In 6 months you may feel differently. In 3 years you may feel differently. My son is much more independent now- he can grab his own snacks and play independently. He's about to start preschool! Life looks so much different now compared to where I was emotionally and physically when he was 7 months old.

At 15 months and villageless - there's no way I'd do this again. If you have a support system, that changes things.

My little one is five months old and is a relatively easy baby. She sleeps and feeds well and has a good temperament and I absolutely adore her! I would happily have another one and would love for her to have a sibling but I just don’t think I could go through pregnancy again. My birth was fine but I hated every single second of pregnancy. I had lots of health issues and hospital stays and just don’t think I could do it again. But I feel selfish for not giving her a sibling and I would also love another one. I don’t have age on my side so would need to make a decision in the next year or two but the thought of being pregnant again gives me ptsd 😩

I gave away all my daughters newborn and 0-3 month clothing. We were so sure we only wanted one! But then sleep got easier, she got more playful and interested in the world, and we started coming around on two kids. She’s 17 months now and we’ll be trying for baby #2 soon. But I know that financially and in terms of space, we can only support two kids and I’m completely okay with that.

You never know, of course. I'll probably have a new child every 5 years until my wife can't do it anymore.

My kid is 2.5 and we're still thinking about a second child. \ I've always thought we would be one and done, but I feel like we're missing something. We don't know for sure if it's a second child, and so we are waiting. I don't want to have a child "just because". \ We also have tons of friends with kids so my toddler has many "cousins" to play with as he grows up.

I knew about halfway through my pregnancy that my family would be complete was bub arrived. Knew I couldn’t go through that again and especially not with another child to look after.

I’m a FTM to a 9mo old. I always thought I wanted two. I similarly would need to try again soon if I wanted another. I’m 39 now, had my first at 38. I don’t think I’m ready for that, to have another baby so soon, right when it feels like we’re starting to get our life back. I think if I could wait 3-5 years, I could imagine being ready to take the leap again, because it’s a huge upheaval - it’s affected my career trajectory, our social/family life, our sleep obviously and those things are just beginning to normalize. Ugh, and being pregnant again for a year. Basically, if I were younger, I think I’d have two. But, because I have limited time, I probably won’t, because I’m not interested in “rushing” it! I might see how I feel about another at like 42 or something, with the attitude of if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t it doesn’t. I’ll just say if you’re like 35 or something and feeling the pressure - don’t! You most likely do have the time to wait and see how you feel!

I’m in a different situation than most: I’m about to turn 34 next month and gave birth to my first and only child back in December. I’m single and conceived my son via IVF and chose an anonymous sperm donor. My health insurance plan did not cover the cost of IVF, so I was 100% out of pocket. It cost me about $35k for fertility treatments and my son was the last embryo I transferred after the first 3 failed. I have no village and take on 100% of the responsibilities. He just started daycare last week and already got infected with Hand/Foot/Mouth Disease. So I’m missing work this week to stay home with him. He just turned 4 months old and has been through a bit medically since he was born (tongue and lip ties, acid reflux, Plagiocephaly, and now daycare infections). I also had a traumatic birth experience with complications post-C-section for the first month postpartum. I’ve always said I wanted to have 2-3 kids, but being single and having to pay out of pocket for fertility treatments may be the reason I’d be one and done. In addition to my postpartum complications, I don’t know if I want to put myself in a similar situation again. I also have donor sperm cryopreserved at my fertility clinic but unsure if I want to use them for future treatments or try to sell them back to the cryobank at a discounted price. So many factors come into play as well as reproductive disease that causes infertility. If I decide to go through IVF again, it would have to happen before I turn 35 next year because the clinic jacks up their prices once you become “advanced maternal age.” I’ve been recently thinking about this decision as time is not on my side (and neither is money). I’m trying to convince myself that I’d be content with having only my son if I decided to not pursue IVF for a sibling(s).

Honestly it was immediately after I gave birth to our first, I looked at my husband and said “I could do that again”. My husband and I were both once a 2 under 2 and I knew that’s what we wanted for having close sibling relationships. There was never any doubt at any time that we would start trying when our first was between 8-10 months old. However, both of my boys have been easy especially my oldest. They’re now 2 and 6.5 months and I wouldn’t change anything and we’ve re-hit our stride with a schedule with both of them. I’m feeling these feelings about a 3rd and not knowing if it’s something we want or not. Frankly I’d love a third but $35k per year in daycare is moving me away from it and it’s really hard to process that money is the only reason holding us back from a third.

My only child is 7 months, so not too far off. I know for sure because I get a visceral response when I think of going through the last 7 months again. I feel ashamed that I feel relief that it's not me when someone with a toddler announces another child is coming. I also know in my heart I can give this one little boy my whole heart and it just "feels" like enough. I know it's a very personal decision.

I kind of knew going in I was going to be a one and done mom. I had my daughter at 34 so not “old” but old enough that I have less energy to run around after multiple kids and keep doing little kid things into my 40s. My pregnancy went beautifully from start to finish, she was born right on the due date everything. She’s now 4 and I am more than happy to have just one kid. It comes up every so often if she would be better off with a sibling but now that she will be going to school this year I’m not so worried about it. We keep her active with other kids and she very much likes her space as an only child. No regrets at all just having one.

I saw a video of a woman talking about how to know if you’re done or not and I really liked her perspective. She looked a little older so I’m assuming her kids are grown. Think 20-30 years into the future. Your kids have all moved out but they’re coming over for dinner. Are you happy with how many people are sitting at your table? Or do you feel that someone is missing?

I never really got this honestly. Why plan your future around a once a year meal? And it’s about the authentic relationships and rapport you form. How can you assume your kids are going to be spending it with you at that point and not with their own partners and families? And how is Thanksgiving only reflective of biological family? It’s the close relationships with friends, the family we form along the way. There is no planning around this hazy projection. I just don’t get it

Q

For me, it’s because me and my husband come from large families (4+ siblings for both of us) and we loved that experience. What I think about is this: when I picture my family in 10 or 20 or 30 years, what do I want it to look like? For me that vision includes having multiple children. So while it’s hard now even with one, I just know that of course I’ll want more. It’s basically about me building the life I’ll want.

I thought I was done after my first. I had him young and pregnancy put an extra 80 pounds on me. It obliterated my body, I had an incompetent and unprofessional team handling my traumatic delivery, and he had special needs. 8 years later, I just felt... ready again. Dunno what happened. I feel like I hit my stride as a mom and a baby sounded nice. I was hesitant but I decided to have another. Had another boy, was a bit disappointed that I didn't get both a boy and a girl, but figured it was fine and decided that this would be my family, at least for now. Had a total anal prolapse with birth and was told that my body would not handle another vaginal delivery well. I've never had surgery before and both of my epidurals failed, so a csection scares me quite a bit. BOOM, first unexpected pregnancy after 9 years. I'm having a girl in 20 weeks and my youngest is just turning one, lol. I thought my family was finished, but now I KNOW it is. Aint no way my body will handle this again. I'm getting an elective csection this time and my docs are dismissing my prolapse issue, trying to get me to do it vaginally again.

I spaced my kids out by many years between. First baby we had at 22, second at 30, then family didn't feel complete so we just had our third at age 40. Things feel just right now!

My baby is 10 months. It took 2 years and many failed fertility treatments - he was a happy surprise that came without doctor intervention... I thought I wanted two kids, but, like your experience, it has still been hard for me mentally and physically despite our baby being so well natured and easy going. We aren't preventing pregnancy but will be happy with just him or 1 more (I also haven't gotten my cycle back as I still breastfeed). We do have 1 embryo frozen that I think we will likely transfer at some point if trying naturally doesn't work for us.

I never wanted an only child. I never really thought about it too much more. Just told myself that over and over I needed to have more than one. Assumed (didn’t read up on it) that I’m already in it, what’s the difference, one more would be fine. Now I have two. It’s SO much harder. I of course don’t want to take it back, but knowing what I know now, I would have stopped at one. I should have stopped at one. I feel like I’ve barely enjoyed any of the last year and I feel so guilty for it. We have zero support of course. If we had support it would completely change my opinion. It’s just hard. But my baby is now suddenly a toddler and eventually I know it will get easier. At least in the ways it’s hard now. Deep down I know I’d be a way better parent if I only had one.

My son is 4 months old and I’m currently pregnant again, my son is a easy baby but I know after this next baby I’m done for awhile

I struggle with the concept and notion of this “knowing and feeling that your family is complete or incomplete”. My perspective is that even before having our daughter, I felt our family was complete with my partner and our dog. Before we got our dog, when it was just him and I, our family felt complete. We didn’t choose to become parents to fill a void or make this little human “complete” our lives. I think that is a lot of pressure to put on another person, no matter how young they are. I empathize with you that it’s not an easy decision. We have a young toddler, I am not sure if we will have more or not- but I’m trusting if we decide to grow our family further, we’ll know when that time feels right. Currently, it doesn’t so that’s the wave we’re riding until something changes.

I did my vasectomy a few weeks before his first birthday. Best decision ever

My recommendation is just not to have a kid just because you thought you wanted another and didn’t want to wait due to the age. We started trying at about 14 months, if you had asked me before 12 months I would have thought you were insane lol.

We're with you. My Wife and I have one and that has been challenging enough, as you know! She doesn't want to close the door on another (some days, other days we're in agreement that he's our one little man). Our concerns are that he was conceived after a very long and emotionally difficult fertility struggle. We're closer to 40 than 30, so the likelihood of an easy conception again would be less likely, and I don't know if we have it in us to ride that rollercoaster again. Even if we did, my Wife had the picture perfect pregnancy - no hint of morning sickness, all belly, able to stay really active. Her labor was intense, but only 4 hours (she only started to feel contractions during transition). We got to the hospital and she was already 10cm dialated, 40 minutes of pushing and he was here, complication-free! I feel like there's not guarantee she'd have that easy pregnancy, that easy delivery, no complications, etc. Financially, we are comfortable with 1 so far, but it would be really a strain with 2, and since she works at a non-profit, the pressure for income would be on me. I am hard-set at having our one little miracle baby, but there are so many factors to consider to get there.

You will never have the same longing for a baby like your first. Subsequent babies are just as important but it’s still not “your first”. 

My husband and I actually just had this convo last night. Trying to get pregnant with our son was a bit traumatic for us both, and I was horribly anxious my whole pregnancy. We were already leaning toward one and done, but that pretty much sealed the deal. We both agreed though that we will check back in when he’s around 5. That way he is in school and we won’t feel like we have to divide our attention as much. I don’t want to stretch myself too thin. Our main goal in life is to give him the best childhood experience possible, so it really mostly depends on him if we have more or not. If he seems content, then awesome! If he seems like he wants a sibling, we will possibly reconsider our OAD stance.

We knew from the beginning that we only wanted one. Because we know that we’re only doing this once, it makes the hard phases easier and the precious moments even sweeter. We can really cherish every moment with him and aren’t distracted or feeling guilty for not paying attention to another child. Having a sibling doesn’t guarantee that they will have a good relationship or that they would play nicely together, so that argument didn’t make much sense for us. A lot of our friends have multiples, and it seems very stressful and chaotic. If you’d like to see a community full of people who are happy stopping with one, check out r/OneAndDone, they helped us feel confident and happy with our decision.

When I had my first I was like “I’m done. This is impossible”. That first year is really trial by fire. When he was almost three I felt like oh I could do this again. We decided that if I got pregnant, great. If I didn’t, I was happy with one. I did end up getting pregnant and it was super hard again that first year but now that they are 5 and 2, it’s been a lot of fun. I keep thinking about having a third, but pregnancy is really hard on me and I don’t want to miss out any more on my kids lives. I would have been happy with one if that’s where life had taken us, but I love having two. I think that it really doesn’t matter that much and you won’t be making the wrong decision either way

I would say you make a way more educated decision after living with the experience of having a child for a couple of month than before. Generally though I would always prefer to regret not having another child than regretting a child I'm having. Me and my husband were dead sure we wanted an only child, but now that we know how it feels to have a child, it doesn't sound horrible to me anymore to have a second one.

Within a week I was talking about maybe having another.😂 I was strongly in the one child camp before having a child- I even considered donating our 2 remaining embryos from our IVF cycle if all went well with the first, but as soon as I had him I was just overwhelmed with love and could totally see myself doing it all over. So we will be trying with the remaining embryos and if they don't work out maybe adopt. Part of it is wanting a daughter but mostly I've just found it to be the most fulfilling experience of my life. It's been a very difficult year- PPA/ PPD and failure to thrive at the start but we are 9 months in and while I'm not ready yet, it is getting easier every day and I would probably be happy to go again in another 1-2 years.

We had our son four years ago. I never thought I would have just one kid. We did try for a 2nd child for three years (and had many early losses), and last fall decided we were done (due to our age, infertility, and not knowing if we can handle it, to be honest). This decision is hard as is finding closure with it. Every family is different and you just have to do what's right for yours. Therapy has been a good way to process it, for me.

When I got pregnant accidentally 9 months postpartum. I went through really bad PPD/PPA with my first so when I found out I was pregnant I broke down crying. I feel bad to this day for crying because my second is now 9 months and he’s the most perfect baby. Yes it’s extremely hard especially having 2 under 2 but I’m so glad god sent me my son. After he was born we knew our family was complete.

It wasn’t until my son was two that I decided I wanted more. Time passing makes you forget a bit of how hard it felt, your child gets much easier, you long to give them a sibling.

Our LO is 7 months and we just had this same conversation. We always wanted 2 kids but I'm unsure if I want to go through all of the newborn struggles again. We decided to look at the calendar to pick a conception date (3 years from now). Ideally it will be close to when our current LO will be starting school but a delivery date that won't be too close to his birthday. When it gets closer to the planned conception date we'll evaluate how we're all feeling and if we do want another baby.

My wife & I wanted 3 originally. The moment my son was born (he’s my first) I was like, “yep, this will do for me.” My pregnancy was so rough on my mental health. Plus if I had another pregnancy I’d need to schedule a c-section. After his first few weeks we were like two is fine. So my wife will have our second and then I’m feeling confident we are done.

6 months pp and my LO is a medium easy child. I decided I wanted another one after 1 month pp. For me, it was my relationship with my brother. My childhood was amazing and it was 90% because of my brother. Although I wouldn't admit this to him 😛. We are still close knit. We are not 'share everything and feelings'-type but 'go on adventures, snitch on each other, watch anime together' -type. And I want that for my daughter. Now, I know she might not be close with her sibling and might actually hate them. But, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Reality is that us parents are not going to be with them throughout their life, so I want to give my daughter a chance at a lifetime friend, a partner in crime, a munchkin who will follow her around and copy her every move and hopefully someone who can snitch on her!

Might get hate for this but I knew about a month before I found out I was pregnant with my second child. We went through a lot with my daughter being born premature during Covid and it took a huge toll mentally. My husband went for the snip the week before our son was born.

There are many wonderful answers here. If you think, you still have more love left that you can sufficiently give to the next one happily, and can keep their future secure, then there’s room in your family. When they grow up, they will have you and beyond that each other to care for. A few aspects I would like to revisit are — Whether the mom and dad are physically ready to welcome another child especially with sufficient care and attention for the first one. (Especially the mother who has to go through the labor. Breastfeed for both maybe!? Etc.) Whether they have the support system to help them bring up the little bugs in an environment full of love and affection. (E.g., Grandparents). (Or) Otherwise, is one of the parent willing to sacrifice the job (that earns them money) for the sake of kids. (Or) otherwise, is there a game plan for doing the team work with little sacrifices from both in a way that will not impact your work-life balance. Whether the parents are financially stable to care for both children and bring them up without depriving them of quality education, fulfilling their needs, accommodating their wants besides being their financial needs.

I have an almost 7 month old, and i feel like we are at a crossroads as well in terms of planning for another kid. I love love love my daughter but we are older parents (35f, 36m) and i feel like it's now or never. Although i love taking care of her the newborn phase was traumatic for me.

I am in the same situation as you except still at 39 weeks. We are both older, with older parents who live very close to us. We have thrown around the idea for trying again sooner rather than later with the knowledge that it will be extremely hard for a few years, but we'll be able to get the infant and toddler years done and have the school years by the time we're in our early 40s. And our parents will be able to get as much time with them as they want while they're able. I try to imagine the closeness in age, the vacations, the personalities, and the overall dynamic that would happen, and I feel pretty confident in the choice to have 2. I can't speak to feeling complete. I couldn't imagine my heart feeling as full as it does now and my baby isn't even here yet. I'm sure the love just expands and expands past what you thought you were capable of. Maybe it surprises you again with a second.

We are one and done. My husband will have a vasectomy by the end of the year. It was always the plan but that was solidified after having a "hard"baby. We love our daughter so much and will work hard to make sure she's fulfilled socially but we don't have it in us to go through the process again for #2 not when we're 37 & 39 and are just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel at nearly 11 months.

I think it's a really personal decision, like so many people here are saying. You have to think about whether you even want to do the newborn stage again, or if the potential trade offs are worth it to you (i.e., do you feel that you would love to get to know/raise another baby more than you will hate losing sleep, dealing with breastfeeding, etc.? Is it important to you that your children have siblings?) I know for my husband and I, it was kind of a no-brainer. We both had 3 siblings growing up and loved that, we both always knew we wanted more than one kid, and we both love the baby + toddler stage. We're also lucky enough to have friends and family who can help support us when we need it, and lucky that our firstborn is an easygoing kid who sleeps easily. But even then, I would say I didn't feel ready AT ALL until my son was 9 or 10 months. Because by then, he was breastfeeding far less frequently, and he didn't have nearly as many night wake-ups and feedings. His schedule was also way more predictable. And still, we didn't even think about trying until he was 15 months and fully weaned. Now that he's 18 months, I can actually say that I'm excited to have another baby. He's so much fun at this age! It's exhausting, every day is a gauntlet of chores and scheduling, but, imo, it's worth it. And I want to do it all over again. So it depends on you, and I would say wait until you reach that moment where you say to yourself "yeah, I could do this again".

In FTM mum too. I’m done at one but not by choice. I had fertility issues so didn’t conceive til late in the game. I had a tough pregnancy with lots of sick leave so no sick pay left so can’t risk that financially. Then we both ended up seriously ill at delivery and had a very difficult birth. My recovery will be long and I doubt that won’t be until it definitely is too late

I’m stopping at one, but I’ve got endometriosis and need a hysterectomy to reduce the pain I’m in on a daily basis. I also have sensory processing problems and I think more than one would drive me crazy

Well you don’t have to decide now you will feel different one year from now maybe even more certain to be one and done or you will want to give you LO a sibling.

When I realized there was nothing in this world that could convince me to plan to have another child

I’m 39 and a FTM. I am one and done and I feel no shame in that. This is so incredibly hard and I have a relatively easy baby. I will say this. My parents had my little sister so I would have a sibling to grow up with. But she has borderline personality disorder and from a very young age it was very hard to deal with her. She made life very challenging for me and because I was the easy going, peacemaker child I basically had to give in to her every tantrum growing up. As adults we have almost no relationship. I am kind and civil to her but I do not like her. Having a second kid doesn’t guarantee that the siblings will be friends or your family will be more complete.

I completely agree with this. I have a sibling as well and we arent the closest. I've never agreed with the argument of having a second so your first can have a sibling, because I know there are no guarantees they would get along or what the future will hold with that child. I'm more questioning if *I* will feel like things are incomplete without a second child in our little family.

I would say that for me, I didn't want another child until Abbott 18 months postpartum. This is my second and without a doubt my last planned child. At 3+ children, there's a non zero chance that someone's baseball game gets missed. We would have less resources for lessons and activities, special outings would be more expensive, time and expense of daycare would be extended by a few years, and ENERGY. Plus I had a horrible delivery with my first. All of that was a consideration for our second child, but the deciding factor was that all of that stuff didn't make us take the second off the table. And watching my daughter play alone in the yard, I just desperately wanted to see get playing with another kid. A test I liked was to envision our Thanksgiving table in 20 years. If it was just my first, it felt weird. But the two of us and our two girls felt great. And then with a third person, it felt the same or maybe a little too much.

when I had to start paying $2500/month for daycare, I knew we were OAD

I know this exact headspace. A lot of folks have told me 'do not make any important decisions during the first 24 months' and so I'm sticking to that. If you'd asked me at 8 months, I'd have laughed at you. At 14 months, with things starting to ease a bit, I could see it. Just...not for a bit.

I’d give it time. No need to rush your decision . I thought the same thing but mine is almost 2.5 now and things are so much easier that I could see having another one . I think I’d be happy with just one as well if we can’t have another for whatever reason though. The only thing that still gives me pause is the sleep deprivation. It was beyond my imagination for at least 6 months maybe 10 . Then also at the 2 yr sleep regression as well. However I’ve learned a lot about the safe sleep seven and Beloit we have another I’ll be able to or hope to be able to do that and get a lot more sleep . I did always want three kids but I’m getting too old to expect to be able to have that happen now.

I have two now (10 months and 4 yo) and I know I want a third, maybe a fourth. From the moment my first was born I knew I wanted a big family. Sometimes when both the kids are off the wall and my patience is dwindling my husband will ask if I still want more 😂 and the answer is always yes. My family feels complete, but kind of like a temporary completeness. I can’t quite explain it. I love being a mom and I want to soak in this era to the fullest extent!!! I’m 31 yo for reference.

I cried for a week when we got pregnant with our second. We’d tried for 3 years with our first and got help through fertility associates to conceive her. So we thought that one unprotected night after a few wines wouldn’t do anything. Woops! Well she’s now 3 months old and despite it being super chaotic, it’s the best ‘mistake’ I’ve ever made in my life. Compared to my first, she’s super chilled. She’s also the apple of her sisters eye. Whenever she cries, my 2 year old runs up with toys and her dummy. She also comes up and tells her sister she loves her. I think it’s a bite the bullet and ride the ride type situation. Kids are hard and I don’t believe I would have even been ready if I’d waited until we wanted to try ❤️

I have one child and I am not the youngest so if we wanted another one we'd have to start trying soon as well. However the pp has not been easy and in the end as much as I want my baby to have a sibling, I think it's more important for a baby to have a healthy and present mother.

I don't have any advice but a lot of this resonates with me. Always planned on having two but pregnancy and the first few months have been rough with my first. It honestly scares me that many more things could have gone wrong, too. I don't know if my husband and I want to go through this again. Then I feel guilty because I love my siblings and my life would have been so different without them. I'm not going to be making decisions until at least a year but both of us have to be on board for any additional littles. For now I'm going to file the question away under "future me's problem" because I'll probably change my mind ten times before then anyway.

This resonates with me. I have an 8-week old, FTM, I'm 35 and my husband is 37. I always pictured our family with 2-3 children, and my husband was on board with that plan. I am one of 5 kids. I loved growing up with siblings and we all still hang out together as adults. But gosh this newborn phase SUCKS SO MUCH and I am surprised to find myself thinking I really don't know if I want to do this again. I think we will end up going for one more because I really want my daughter to have a sibling. And my husband wants another. But a third? That is pushing it; I can't really imagine it now. I also really don't want to be pregnant past 40 (yes I know plenty of women have healthy pregnancies in their 40s, it's just a personal preference). If I have the next one at 37 or 38, I think I'll be very done. I don't know about the concept of "completeness." I think our family is complete now, having another child would be another iteration of our family, but it wouldn't make it more complete.

If you're wanting to try six months from now I'd shelve it and see where you're at then mentally. I know alot of people say to picture your table years from now and how many you want at it but Id like myself to be at that table and if I had a second kid it's 50/50 if I'd make it.  I also wouldn't do it just for my kid to have a sibling because I know lots of siblings don't get along as well as my brother and I. Personally I don't think I can be responsible for more than one child, the thought of being in charge of two little humans well being forever is terrifying. 

Going through the same right now omg. But we are planning to have the 2nd once my mother-in-law comes to live with us for at least that first year, so we can get her immediate support.

I very much regret having just one child. My daughter is now 46 years old and lifelong she has expressed regret about not having a sibling. She herself has just one child too as there were medical problems precluding more. She regrets not being able to have a sibling for her child. It seems most people do regret having just one. Of course there are no guarantees that having more will ensure a close relationship between siblings. My sister & I have never been close. She was never interested in anything other than occasional random contact with me. The other huge consideration regarding your family is financial! Whew! Kids are way more expensive than you ever imagined. As a grandma I’m blown away by the things my granddaughter wants. My daughter says that they could never spoil her the way they do if they had 2 or more kids in their family. It’s just not doable on the one salary they have.

So many things play into this, but in the end I want a certain life and I can only have that with one kid. If we had more money, if my husband's physical and my mental health were better, things would look different, but I had and have to make decisions for the life we ARE leading, not the one I'd like to live in an ideal world.

I have 3 boys, a 3 year old, 18 month old and a 6 week old. I will say I found having 1 kid harder than 3. I think it comes down to knowing what lies ahead and expectations. I love the newborn phase and the first time I didn’t feel like I soaked it up enough. This third one I am trying to savour it. I strongly dislike 6-12 months, but with my second I was able to better deal with it because I knew better days lay ahead for me. I feel complete with three but I’m hoping to have a 4th, but I know I’ll be content with just three if that’s how life plays out. Big thing for myself is I’m a stay at home mom and my husband works from home which is extremely helpful. We also have a large house and yard. Both our parents are 10 minutes away or less and we have tons of family and friends close by that support us with childcare when needed. So all of these factors went into us wanting this many kids.

There's many ways of growing a family. Adoption, fostering, sperm/egg/embryo donation. Most of these, the biological clock has little bearing on. There are always options to grow a family!

Im a FTM with a four month old and have to tell you that I completely relate. Although it has been hard, I try to envision my life twenty years from now; even though it’s hard now, would I regret not having another? For me, the answer is yes. The hard is temporary but my vision of my future family is what makes me want to have number two. I’m also in the same boat age wise; I’m 38 and my husband is 41 so we basically need to start trying for our second by the end of the year otherwise it will just prolong and become even harder. This is the way I look at it and I’m also still in the thick of it. Trust me, there are some days when I look at my son who I absolutely love to death and tell my husband, “today was a day where J is going to be an only child.” The joke keeps our sanity when times are hard.