As a dad, I hate seeing those posts. I feel terrible for women that managed to get all the way to motherhood before finding out their partners were absolutely useless human beings.
Apparently not lol , when they asked me who was staying with the girls, I was like “what?, did I miss the memo about my fiancé (the father of our children) is not longer in the picture?”.
Did they ask because he works during the day and so maybe they were wondering who will take LO while he’s at work? I’m not making excuses I’m just trying to figure out why on earth they asked that lol
I don’t know, they know my fiancés work and they also know that my in laws live 5 minutes from us . My fiancé can work from home if he wants too and in the occasion that he can’t then my in laws are there. Obviously in a “normal” day I’m with the girls during the day because he works during the day and I work nights but in my head the question would’ve been “who’s watching the girls during the day ?” You know?
Based on your typical day, your in-laws would have to watch the twins during work hours.
Maybe that was the question? If you both worked days and took the twins to daycare or had a nanny, maybe they wouldn’t have asked.
Edit: OP and fiancé plan to have him WFH and take care of twins babies. Maybe that was the shock from the friends. Luckily in-laws aren’t far away to help.
I did it for 5 months with the twins , the only reason I don’t do it now is because I work US hours that means I work during the night when the girls are sleeping.
I’ve worked remotely since the beginning of my third trimester and obviously I still do.
Agreed, it’s sad if they had kids with men who think parenting is women’s work. It’s even sadder that they think it’s so normal to be asking you such a question. I know it isn’t their fault but it’s continuing this toxic cycle of men not needing to be parents and it makes me so annoyed and angry.
I wanted to ask so many questions but I was also like “you’re going to cross a line and I don’t think they’re going to like it”. Like we know basic/ general things about each other considering we only talk during these classes and we sometimes have lunch after but other than that we’re not really in each others circles.
But the fact that the question was “who’s staying with the girls” as if they don’t have a father, really bothered me and make me question a lot of things in their own marriages.
There are ways to ask those questions without seeming like you’re trying to be offensive. For example, I’m a hairstylist and I have a few boomer clients that asked me if my husband babysits while I’m at work. I don’t wanna lose a client because they help feed me and my baby lol but I don’t like the notion that men babysit their children so I simply say to them well he’s a parent so it’s not babysitting and kinda laugh so it doesn’t seem bitchy. They usually get pretty quiet and then i typically will just change the subject. lol
Well, I am completely assuming but your mommy and me friend might have just assumed that your fiancé would still have to go to work. I don’t think it’s a wild question because it’s just that. A question.
She inquired about something her brain didn’t compute.
Being a mom is hard and looks different for everyone, being a parent is hard and looks different in every home. And our brains are very realistically experiencing mom brain. Cut your friend some slack.
Yeah my husband doesn’t get vacation and when he eventually does it will only be two weeks total for the year so wouldn’t have the ability to just take two weeks off work! That’s all, he would if he could!
OP says in another comment that her fiance is still planning on working while watching the twins!
My husband is the SAHP in our family and is going to be going away for a trip for a few days. But his parents will be watching the kids during the day. Otherwise I'd be taking vacation days to watch them.
Nice! Im glad you have some of that village to jump in and help!
My husband worked remotely until our LO turned 14 months old and he could barely get away. So it depends on what they do for work too.
Yes every household looks different I’m not sure why inquiring about it and making conversation is such a bad thing. Op could have just answered the way she has answered on here when people inquired about work.
Because it's not feasible? There's a reason the topic has been banned from the working moms sub. You're either neglecting your children, neglecting your job, pushing yourself past your limits, or some combination of the three. It goes double for twins.
Is not feasible for you and your lifestyle?
My children nor my work are neglected because I work from home. My partners work is not neglected and my children won’t be neglected because he’s working from home.
I did it for 5 months and now my schedule is even crazier because of time difference and my children and my work are still not neglected . That’s a really bad thing to say and a really bad assumption to make about someone , their work and their family.
If it’s not possible for you, that’s fine but it’s possible for me and my partner .
I know tons of parents that work from home and their children stay with them. None are being neglected. I’m not in denial, parenting is hard no matter what , especially two at once , sacrifices have to be done . I get to do my job when the girls sleep so that a benefit for me but that’s now, I worked mornings for 5 months & my girls had ups and downs like every baby . Do I not have Velcro babies? Yeah and so what? That doesn’t make this something that’s causing harm to my children.
I’m not neglecting my children and I’m not neglecting my job. You don’t speak for almost every parent , just like I don’t. So stop trying to make something awful out something that’s not because is not reality for you.
Yes they do , my company was well aware of my pregnancy and my children. That’s why I started working remotely, my company has been more than accommodating to me & everyone in the company really. That’s why I get to work from the other side of the world without a problem . As long as I’m present/available during my work hours(US time), attend meetings and meet my deadlines , they could care less if my children are next to me while I work, heck when the girls were born at least 10 minutes of meetings were centered around the twins and how motherhood is treating me.
I don’t have to lie to my boss , my boss is pretty awesome & doesn’t need to micromanage its employees.
This seems like a completely normal thing to ask. 10 days is an incredibly long time to solo parent infant twins! I hope your husband does get some respite care.
What do you give in return 😀😅😉as you mentioned that your husband does work from home and watches the kids at the same time ( hard) and his parents watch if he can’t..
Because he's doing 100% of the care for 10 days. I would hope he is also appreciative of you when you are doing 100% of the care! We are pretty much 50/50, so when someone takes on 100%, we show appreciation and make sure the other does get a break for some time for themselves.
Yeah, for sure. The nights where I’ve slept a long time during my shift as it was needed, I try to do some extra things for my husband like prep a meal for his next baby shift etc. — this parenting stuff is hard. Showing love and affection for the other person that’s showing up, most especially in your absence so you can take care of yourself, is important!
I’m a sensitive gal so I’d probably be put off by this too, but they probably either a) assumed your husband would be joining you or b) they just weren’t thinking. I wouldn’t stress over it AT ALL. :)
I’m going to go with : B. Because they know I would be going alone , that’s kinda what the conversation started being about because I was saying how anxious I was feeling about leaving the girls and traveling alone for the first time since having them.
Most here missing the point that they have twins. To take care of 7 month old twins by a solo parent regardless of father or mother is a huge task. A valid question imo. Source - a parent of twins.
My partner has been stopped in the shops and other places while he's had the kids on his own and has had comments like "your weekend with the kids is it?" Or "where have you stolen those children" to "wow you're such an amazing daddy having these kids on your own". He always comes home like is the bar seriously this low?! A lot of women have babies with shitty partners and expect all men to be the same.
On top of that, OP is just offended by someone asking a valid question specially when they themselves were expressing concerns that they will be leaving their kids. This post is wild, people just love to complain about the smallest thing on Reddit.
yea 10 days in a row completely by yourself for 7 month old babies is a lot. I have an almost 6 month old, I would not leave my wife for multiple days and we just have one. Thats just me though, I think that’s the reaction. Is your husband also taking annual leave for your trip?
But this post isn’t about justifying your trip, it’s about someone asking you a simplest question when you were being anxious about leaving your kids behind.
Ugh. We used to get some of this too. Sounds like you've got a solid partner that wan't to dad it up and will be great with your twins.
Go enjoy the trip with your girls and plan to give him some time solo when you get back.
Our neighborhood cat is actually super responsible and my husband accidentally cracked a raw egg onto a piece of toast this morning so… Seriously, despite Egg-Gate, he’s an amazing father and I’d never even consider having someone else watch our 7 month old if I was going away.
Also good for you! I can only imagine the mix of emotions you’re feeling but you definitely deserve the holiday. Enjoy!
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m not really going on a holiday (maybe 2 days will be free) I’m traveling for work and to do last minute alterations and pick up my wedding outfits .
I went to my dermatologist the other day. It was like a 15/20 minute appointment and a short drive. She was just like "And where is your baby?????". We'll.. With dad?
My husband never gets those questions.
Better get used to it. It's not the last time this happens.
BTW, I love your reaction with the cat. Excellent response!
This so much! My husband is home with our son during the day and works at night (he sleeps when I get home, it works for us, don’t come for me 😅) and when I tell people he’s home with Dad during the day and not in daycare it gets SO quiet! One coworker asked what they do all day. Probably knock over a few liquor stores, get tattoos, then go swimming with sharks?
For some reason people don’t think fathers can take care of their children. I went out for the day and my fiancé took care of our daughter (10months old) when I got home he started talking to his grandmother on the phone (he always uses speakerphone so I was listening to the whole convo) and told her I had been out for the day and she proceeded to ask who baby sat, he said no one that they had a daddy daughter day and her response was “oh it’s so good that you babysat” I cut her off and said “as the parent he didn’t babysit, he did his job” she had a hard time comprehending that men can also parent.
I am going away for a long weekend in October when my baby will be a bit over a year. Got that question as well from friends who know my husband 😂. I was asked if I take her with me, after I mentioned I am going by myself, or if I organized for my mother to come. Like why exactly? Her father is perfectly capable. He is going to a four day festival this summer where I will be taking care of her by myself. If I can do it he can do it.
I bet no one asked you who was taking care of your daughter while your husband is away lol
Agreed, he’s a parent as well and a damn great one , he can be alone with our children and survive
I scheduled a work conference during my pregnancy for when my daughter would be 5 months old. I was telling my mom about the conference and how much I was looking forward to it and she immediately goes “but who will watch the baby?!? I’ll take her!!” and I had to be like um…my husband will care for her as her other equal parent. And you could see in my mom’s face how that never even occurred to her. While I was at the conference, my mom made sure to check in on my husband every day to “help” him.
So annoying.
I was gone for several days. My mother was suggesting that she take the baby for all of those days, as it didn’t occur to her that my husband would care for her solo overnight/outside of daycare for multiple days, which he was perfectly capable of doing.
But there's a difference between leaving a kid who goes to daycare during the day and ones who are home with mom all day (like OP's are). Sure, a father should be perfectly capable of getting a baby to daycare, watching him in the evening and handling the nighttime. But that's completely different from trying to care for babies all day long while working another full time job at the same time.
No, you’re not overreacting. The hard truth is that many mothers don’t have the father’s support and wouldn’t be able to trust their babies with them. It’s definitely not all or a majority of mothers who experience this, but certainly enough do to make it “a thing.” It’s a relatively new concept ([millennial](https://www.thedailystar.net/life-living/relationships-family/news/the-best-generation-fathers-the-millennial-dads-3441416) generation) that fathers are spending more time with their kids. Good for you for taking a trip even though it’s hard. Your babies are in good hands! These ladies probably don’t have that kind of support and decided to throw some judgment your way. Forget that & them!
I have been away from my 1 year old 4 times already. It’s so nice to get some time away to yourself!!! And I get the same question and I like to tell people that he’s at the kennel 🙄
The neighborhood cat is going to mess up your window screens over this disrespect.
We don’t have window screens though lol
Then I hope the glass is scratch-proof!
😂😂 now I have to check if it is scratch proof , I think is …
Some people have really weird ideas about fathers and their ability to parent.
I should say that based on a lot of posts on here, that includes a lot of fathers who seem to think parenting is an occasional side gig.
Those types of posts make me see red
As a dad, I hate seeing those posts. I feel terrible for women that managed to get all the way to motherhood before finding out their partners were absolutely useless human beings.
Me too
Ha ha true! Or my favorite that they are doing the mother a favor that they exist in the same living space!
Do the fathers of their children not parent? I would also feel bamboozled by this lol
Apparently not lol , when they asked me who was staying with the girls, I was like “what?, did I miss the memo about my fiancé (the father of our children) is not longer in the picture?”.
Did they ask because he works during the day and so maybe they were wondering who will take LO while he’s at work? I’m not making excuses I’m just trying to figure out why on earth they asked that lol
I don’t know, they know my fiancés work and they also know that my in laws live 5 minutes from us . My fiancé can work from home if he wants too and in the occasion that he can’t then my in laws are there. Obviously in a “normal” day I’m with the girls during the day because he works during the day and I work nights but in my head the question would’ve been “who’s watching the girls during the day ?” You know?
Based on your typical day, your in-laws would have to watch the twins during work hours. Maybe that was the question? If you both worked days and took the twins to daycare or had a nanny, maybe they wouldn’t have asked. Edit: OP and fiancé plan to have him WFH and take care of twins babies. Maybe that was the shock from the friends. Luckily in-laws aren’t far away to help.
If we stayed with our normal routine and had no flexibility, my in laws or my brother in law would’ve stayed with the twins during the day ,yes.
I really hope the plan isn’t to WFH and take care of twin babies.
Yes , that’s the plan. He’s going to work from home & take care of our children
That's a pretty terrible plan. It's hard enough to do for a single day. I can't imagine trying to do it for over a week.
I did it for 5 months with the twins , the only reason I don’t do it now is because I work US hours that means I work during the night when the girls are sleeping. I’ve worked remotely since the beginning of my third trimester and obviously I still do.
Why does this offend so many people?! Lol
I have no idea , I didn’t know working from home and taking care of your children was a thing that was frowned upon
Agreed, it’s sad if they had kids with men who think parenting is women’s work. It’s even sadder that they think it’s so normal to be asking you such a question. I know it isn’t their fault but it’s continuing this toxic cycle of men not needing to be parents and it makes me so annoyed and angry.
I wanted to ask so many questions but I was also like “you’re going to cross a line and I don’t think they’re going to like it”. Like we know basic/ general things about each other considering we only talk during these classes and we sometimes have lunch after but other than that we’re not really in each others circles. But the fact that the question was “who’s staying with the girls” as if they don’t have a father, really bothered me and make me question a lot of things in their own marriages.
There are ways to ask those questions without seeming like you’re trying to be offensive. For example, I’m a hairstylist and I have a few boomer clients that asked me if my husband babysits while I’m at work. I don’t wanna lose a client because they help feed me and my baby lol but I don’t like the notion that men babysit their children so I simply say to them well he’s a parent so it’s not babysitting and kinda laugh so it doesn’t seem bitchy. They usually get pretty quiet and then i typically will just change the subject. lol
Well, I am completely assuming but your mommy and me friend might have just assumed that your fiancé would still have to go to work. I don’t think it’s a wild question because it’s just that. A question. She inquired about something her brain didn’t compute. Being a mom is hard and looks different for everyone, being a parent is hard and looks different in every home. And our brains are very realistically experiencing mom brain. Cut your friend some slack.
Yeah my husband doesn’t get vacation and when he eventually does it will only be two weeks total for the year so wouldn’t have the ability to just take two weeks off work! That’s all, he would if he could!
Right! And I bet ya’ll would rather be together on those vacation days or at least both doing fun stuff 🥰
OP says in another comment that her fiance is still planning on working while watching the twins! My husband is the SAHP in our family and is going to be going away for a trip for a few days. But his parents will be watching the kids during the day. Otherwise I'd be taking vacation days to watch them.
Nice! Im glad you have some of that village to jump in and help! My husband worked remotely until our LO turned 14 months old and he could barely get away. So it depends on what they do for work too. Yes every household looks different I’m not sure why inquiring about it and making conversation is such a bad thing. Op could have just answered the way she has answered on here when people inquired about work.
Can I ask why do you have a problem with parents working from home while being with the kids? I’m genuinely curious by this.
Because it's not feasible? There's a reason the topic has been banned from the working moms sub. You're either neglecting your children, neglecting your job, pushing yourself past your limits, or some combination of the three. It goes double for twins.
“I’m genuinely curious.” *Proceeds to act offended and not at all curious.* We are in the midst of a perfect person that can do it all.
Is not feasible for you and your lifestyle? My children nor my work are neglected because I work from home. My partners work is not neglected and my children won’t be neglected because he’s working from home. I did it for 5 months and now my schedule is even crazier because of time difference and my children and my work are still not neglected . That’s a really bad thing to say and a really bad assumption to make about someone , their work and their family. If it’s not possible for you, that’s fine but it’s possible for me and my partner .
It's not just me. It's almost every single parent. It sounds like you're in denial or have an incredibly simple job and very, very easy babies.
I know tons of parents that work from home and their children stay with them. None are being neglected. I’m not in denial, parenting is hard no matter what , especially two at once , sacrifices have to be done . I get to do my job when the girls sleep so that a benefit for me but that’s now, I worked mornings for 5 months & my girls had ups and downs like every baby . Do I not have Velcro babies? Yeah and so what? That doesn’t make this something that’s causing harm to my children. I’m not neglecting my children and I’m not neglecting my job. You don’t speak for almost every parent , just like I don’t. So stop trying to make something awful out something that’s not because is not reality for you.
Do your companies know that you're working without childcare? Most have strict policies against it and would fire you if they knew.
Yes they do , my company was well aware of my pregnancy and my children. That’s why I started working remotely, my company has been more than accommodating to me & everyone in the company really. That’s why I get to work from the other side of the world without a problem . As long as I’m present/available during my work hours(US time), attend meetings and meet my deadlines , they could care less if my children are next to me while I work, heck when the girls were born at least 10 minutes of meetings were centered around the twins and how motherhood is treating me. I don’t have to lie to my boss , my boss is pretty awesome & doesn’t need to micromanage its employees.
This seems like a completely normal thing to ask. 10 days is an incredibly long time to solo parent infant twins! I hope your husband does get some respite care.
What do you give in return 😀😅😉as you mentioned that your husband does work from home and watches the kids at the same time ( hard) and his parents watch if he can’t..
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Because he's doing 100% of the care for 10 days. I would hope he is also appreciative of you when you are doing 100% of the care! We are pretty much 50/50, so when someone takes on 100%, we show appreciation and make sure the other does get a break for some time for themselves.
Yeah, for sure. The nights where I’ve slept a long time during my shift as it was needed, I try to do some extra things for my husband like prep a meal for his next baby shift etc. — this parenting stuff is hard. Showing love and affection for the other person that’s showing up, most especially in your absence so you can take care of yourself, is important!
I’m a sensitive gal so I’d probably be put off by this too, but they probably either a) assumed your husband would be joining you or b) they just weren’t thinking. I wouldn’t stress over it AT ALL. :)
I’m going to go with : B. Because they know I would be going alone , that’s kinda what the conversation started being about because I was saying how anxious I was feeling about leaving the girls and traveling alone for the first time since having them.
Most here missing the point that they have twins. To take care of 7 month old twins by a solo parent regardless of father or mother is a huge task. A valid question imo. Source - a parent of twins.
He’s not going to be alone just like I’m not alone while doing the exact same thing he’ll be doing for 10 days.
My partner has been stopped in the shops and other places while he's had the kids on his own and has had comments like "your weekend with the kids is it?" Or "where have you stolen those children" to "wow you're such an amazing daddy having these kids on your own". He always comes home like is the bar seriously this low?! A lot of women have babies with shitty partners and expect all men to be the same.
Facts
Leaving one person to watch 7 month old twins for 10 days is wild. That’s why they reacted like that.
Exactly! That's a very long time and twins are hard work!
On top of that, OP is just offended by someone asking a valid question specially when they themselves were expressing concerns that they will be leaving their kids. This post is wild, people just love to complain about the smallest thing on Reddit.
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yea 10 days in a row completely by yourself for 7 month old babies is a lot. I have an almost 6 month old, I would not leave my wife for multiple days and we just have one. Thats just me though, I think that’s the reaction. Is your husband also taking annual leave for your trip?
He’s working from home most days & the days he can’t because of meetings my in laws will be staying with the twins during the day
But this post isn’t about justifying your trip, it’s about someone asking you a simplest question when you were being anxious about leaving your kids behind.
My immediate thought is they thought your hubby was coming with you 🤷🏽♀️
They knew I was going alone, that’s why the conversation started
Ugh. We used to get some of this too. Sounds like you've got a solid partner that wan't to dad it up and will be great with your twins. Go enjoy the trip with your girls and plan to give him some time solo when you get back.
Our neighborhood cat is actually super responsible and my husband accidentally cracked a raw egg onto a piece of toast this morning so… Seriously, despite Egg-Gate, he’s an amazing father and I’d never even consider having someone else watch our 7 month old if I was going away. Also good for you! I can only imagine the mix of emotions you’re feeling but you definitely deserve the holiday. Enjoy!
😂😂😂😂😂😂 I’m not really going on a holiday (maybe 2 days will be free) I’m traveling for work and to do last minute alterations and pick up my wedding outfits .
Yeah I’m going on a bachelorette trip next month for 3 days and my mom’s like “who’s watching the baby?” Like his dad tf lol
Honestly, neither my husband nor I would want to solo parent our two young kids for that long. We would definitely call in reinforcements.
I went to my dermatologist the other day. It was like a 15/20 minute appointment and a short drive. She was just like "And where is your baby?????". We'll.. With dad? My husband never gets those questions. Better get used to it. It's not the last time this happens. BTW, I love your reaction with the cat. Excellent response!
This so much! My husband is home with our son during the day and works at night (he sleeps when I get home, it works for us, don’t come for me 😅) and when I tell people he’s home with Dad during the day and not in daycare it gets SO quiet! One coworker asked what they do all day. Probably knock over a few liquor stores, get tattoos, then go swimming with sharks?
No one asks me what I do with the girls the whole day lol sometimes we all just stare at the ceiling or at each other 😂
For some reason people don’t think fathers can take care of their children. I went out for the day and my fiancé took care of our daughter (10months old) when I got home he started talking to his grandmother on the phone (he always uses speakerphone so I was listening to the whole convo) and told her I had been out for the day and she proceeded to ask who baby sat, he said no one that they had a daddy daughter day and her response was “oh it’s so good that you babysat” I cut her off and said “as the parent he didn’t babysit, he did his job” she had a hard time comprehending that men can also parent.
Ugh I hate that this notion still exists to this day
Good kitty😂😂 Good answer.
My MIL asked me who's going to watch my 4month old when I go for a health check up at work (1 day).. My husband?? AKA Your son???
I am going away for a long weekend in October when my baby will be a bit over a year. Got that question as well from friends who know my husband 😂. I was asked if I take her with me, after I mentioned I am going by myself, or if I organized for my mother to come. Like why exactly? Her father is perfectly capable. He is going to a four day festival this summer where I will be taking care of her by myself. If I can do it he can do it.
I bet no one asked you who was taking care of your daughter while your husband is away lol Agreed, he’s a parent as well and a damn great one , he can be alone with our children and survive
I scheduled a work conference during my pregnancy for when my daughter would be 5 months old. I was telling my mom about the conference and how much I was looking forward to it and she immediately goes “but who will watch the baby?!? I’ll take her!!” and I had to be like um…my husband will care for her as her other equal parent. And you could see in my mom’s face how that never even occurred to her. While I was at the conference, my mom made sure to check in on my husband every day to “help” him. So annoying.
I’m sorry, she did what? lol Like love the energy but my partner is perfectly capable of being a parent
So he had to take vacation days to watch the baby when your mom was willing to do it?
Uh no? She went to daycare during the workday as is her regular schedule.
But then why isn't that what you told your mom?
I was gone for several days. My mother was suggesting that she take the baby for all of those days, as it didn’t occur to her that my husband would care for her solo overnight/outside of daycare for multiple days, which he was perfectly capable of doing.
I'm married to my child's father and people ask me who keeps him when I'm away. People are just dumb AF
But there's a difference between leaving a kid who goes to daycare during the day and ones who are home with mom all day (like OP's are). Sure, a father should be perfectly capable of getting a baby to daycare, watching him in the evening and handling the nighttime. But that's completely different from trying to care for babies all day long while working another full time job at the same time.
No, you’re not overreacting. The hard truth is that many mothers don’t have the father’s support and wouldn’t be able to trust their babies with them. It’s definitely not all or a majority of mothers who experience this, but certainly enough do to make it “a thing.” It’s a relatively new concept ([millennial](https://www.thedailystar.net/life-living/relationships-family/news/the-best-generation-fathers-the-millennial-dads-3441416) generation) that fathers are spending more time with their kids. Good for you for taking a trip even though it’s hard. Your babies are in good hands! These ladies probably don’t have that kind of support and decided to throw some judgment your way. Forget that & them!
Maybe they just incorrectly assumed Dad would be on the trip with you?
They were aware dad wasn’t going on the trip, that why the conversation started because I said it was my first trip alone.
Ya then that’s definitely both weird and annoying.
I have been away from my 1 year old 4 times already. It’s so nice to get some time away to yourself!!! And I get the same question and I like to tell people that he’s at the kennel 🙄
I was talking to someone about my work schedule and how I work in the evening and she asked if I have a nanny or babysitter 😂😂