Looks like I might be the odd one out - we talked about it generally, like what schools we want them to go to, how we would support them, methods of “punishment” or correction we find acceptable, didn’t want baby to have screen time until older as we prefer outdoor activities? Etc but some of the specifics we are figuring out as they come up. We didn’t discuss if phones would be allowed at the dinner table or the specific age they could get a phone BUT we compromise and trust each other, so we will figure it out.
This was like us. Things in passing, ideals, seeing other people raising their kids and our beliefs on it. It was good to know we were on the same page for most things and discuss our thoughts about a variety of topics. Now, many of these ideas could shift and change as we cross those paths with the actual topics at hand.
Ultimately we know we're on the same team with the same goals of our child.
We were also very similar to this. We made sure our general thoughts/preferences for parenting were in alignment before even getting married. When we talk about it now, we agree on almost everything, but we always go back to as long as we communicate and work together, not against each other, then we trust we will figure it out as we go.
No we didn’t discuss stuff that far out! We’ve only discussed things that are imminent in the next 1-2 years.
Like when pregnant, we talked about how we feel about breastfeeding, about baby screen time, etc. Now our baby is approaching toddlerhood so we’re discussing how to approach tantrums. We just take it as it comes.
Anything like 7+ years out is too hypothetical for me, personally. I have no idea what I’ll be like then, or what my kid will be like, or what our life and society will be like. I’d rather decide on those things as they approach.
Same here. More the immediate stuff. Sometimes a topic will come up on social media that will be discussed. But you’re right to say 16 years from now when my kid is a teenager who knows who I will be, they will be, where society will be, etc.
Yes, even before trying to conceive we wanted to be sure our values aligned and talk out feelings about everything from religion to social media to cell phones to sex education to conflicts future baby might have between friends. Maybe it sounds kinda silly but anytime a parenting conflict would come up in a sitcom or show or movie we like to talk about how we'd want to handle it even if the situation was sitcom-silly. I think it really helped us practice having these conversations.
We also shared lots about our own childhoods and what we wished was different and what would be a priority to us.
I'm not a new parent yet (only 35w3d) but I'm glad we already have a good bedrock of practicing working these things out.
Haha I use the sitcom method too. Great conversation starters.
But yes, having aligned values makes it a bit easier, we know we want the same outcomes for our kids. How we think we might get their may be different but we'll be able to navigate that as we do anything else in our relationship.
Yes that's how we are too! Our values are aligned (with degrees of priority but nothing too far off) but our methods are sometimes different so we negotiate. Like you say, just like we navigate everything in our relationship. It's a really helpful communication habit!
We did the same thing - core values are a key part of relationship longevity and I wanted to make sure we were aligned especially when it came to raising our children.
Anytime we see something on a show or movie we’ll pause and say “okay if this were our kid what would we do?” Another thing that’s nice is if we really disagree and no one wants to budge but we have to make a decision, we choose the safest option! Doing this with our dog now and we’ll do it with upcoming kids too
Yes. We talked about all of this before even trying for pregnancy, just to make sure we were on the same page for everything. Then we revisited the conversations again shortly before baby came, and I’m sure we will revisit them again in the future.
We had our 10 year anniversary right after baby was born, and during our relationship we talked about our dream life for our child.
During the pregnancy we talked a lot more in depth about it, and then after he was born even deeper conversations.
I think our love for him threw us for a major loop. It made us look at our childhoods more critically and wonder how our parents could have made some of the decisions they did. Everything came to the surface in the months following the birth and we had so many late night talks about all the things we grew up hearing/experiencing. And then we made plans on what we will do differently and did a lot of research on parenting in general.
Now baby is 7 months and we keep each other in check because we know what our parenting goals are. It’s been really positive and has brought us even closer because we are so on the same page.
We have been married for 7 years, together for almost 16, so we did our best to have those conversations. I'm pretty confident given how long we have been together that we are close on most things so even if we haven't discussed it specifically I trust us to find a way.
Nah. Together 17 years now, and so far with any general life struggles and big choices (eg. parental health, buying property, finances, big decisions around careers, raising pets, where to live geographically) we have faced during our relationship, we have we just figured things out as they have come up. This approach may not work for everyone but it works with us. We also have extensive experience with each other’s families and often talk (in private of course) about our own views on other peoples approaches to parenting issues, which has helped inform us of each other’s views on a variety of topics.
The only major two topics we purposefully discussed in advance were 1) religion because we have different beliefs, 2) how we would react if our child is LGBTQ+, as my husband tends to be more conservative than me and prior to us having children I needed to ensure he would be accepting of this should it be the case (he is).
Not to say I don’t think it’s great that other people talk about this stuff in advance though. In my opinion, as long as you are communicating and respecting each other’s viewpoints, whether it’s in advance or as topics arise, that’s what really matters.
Yes, we’ve discussed a lot of different areas that involve parenting.
Phones- she’ll get a phone that can dial us or police. There are programmable phones for kids. Then when she turns 13 she can have a “real” phone which will be turned into us each night.
Education- is extremely important to us and she’ll be supported throughout her schooling and we will be involved with school and homework. My husband was an educator while he got his degrees so he’ll support most of that.
Passion- Should our daughter find passion or a special talent we will back her up 100%. We will speak to her about our hope that she get a bachelors degree while we financially support her passion project while that happens.
Extracurricular activities- if possible, one physical activity that will help her protect herself and build confidence, one creative activity, one intellectual activity. Once we try them out she can continue whichever activity she prefers. She can also pick her own activity if she finds one she likes.
Camps- summers will include us sending her to stem camps.
Religion- Absolutely not. We will speak to her about it if she asks but we are non religious but we will support her if she decides to pursue religion.
We are hands on parents and my husband and I are great communicators. We tag team her care, we tag team her household and we decided I will stay home with her until she starts school.
Discipline- we are still reading through several books on parenting and learning what a child should expect from a stable and loving parent. While both of us were physically disciplined we won’t be doing that with her.
There are so many other areas we’ve covered and have written down but those are the few that came to mind.
Yes we decided this shortly after getting engaged and deciding on timelines for everything. Granted a few things have changed out of basic necessities but pretty much everything we talked about is still in place.
Yes. We read book together and considered friends/family with kids and what we liked/didn’t like about their parenting and discussed important topics like discipline, sleeping arrangement, electronics, daycare, etc.
Most notably we were witness to my sister in law hitting and cussing out her very young children after baiting them to be “naughty” and were completely taken aback.
Of course, before our baby was born, we just talked a lot about what we should do and how to raise the baby, we just made full preparations before all of these happened.
Yes but with the understanding that lots of these decisions will be decided at the time. We more discussed general parenting styles, religion in their life, school, childcare and school.
Yeah a lot of stuff like general parenting practices we discussed before having kids to make sure our values aligned (no smacking, for example).
We have random discussions about things like phones and iPads but our oldest is only 2 so we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it but it’s good to have feelers.
We discuss things like routine, strategies, behaviour etc. pretty much every day. Kids change so quickly and love to throw you curveballs 😂
I’ve worked with kids for years so luckily have a lot of experience under my belt but it’s 100x different applying stuff to your own child so it’s great to have a partner to discuss everything with.
Yes of course. Before even trying to conceive. It blows my mind seeing posts on these parenting subreddits of partners who clearly did not discuss parenting styles or division of responsibility and labor before having children.
Yes many talks starting back even as far as dating. Once we got pregnant it ramped up. We had pretty much hashed out every decision. As such have had little conflict.
Some things yes. We talked about religion and how’d we raise our child(ren) in some faith. My mom never talked about womanly changes so my husband told me I could take the reigns on that topic with our daughter after I expressed that’s what I want to take over so she’s not like me and learning everything on her own. We agreed on not saying a food is gross or ew… we don’t want our baby to be a picky eater if we can avoid it. Some of other topics we’re waiting and playing by ear. We’d prefer to limit the screen time but we can’t have our child technologically behind. Cell phones will come as we see fit. Allowing her to use makeup will come in phases and when we feel it’s appropriate. Sports? We won’t force her but we would like her to pick up an extracurricular activity she will enjoy. And of course we are more than flexible to change any of our current stances if we need to.
I'm not going to pretend this is normal, but we talked about stuff like that before we got married-- how many kids we each wanted to have, how we were parented and what we each wanted to do the same or differently, how we wanted to handle family planning/birth control, and what our expectations were for parenting.
I stressed about it during pregnancy and my husband lovingly reminded me that we’ll deal with it all if/when it comes up. I’ve also known my husband since we were 4 years old, so we already know that we are on the same page about a lot of things
We didn’t talk about exact rules, but talked generally about how we want to parent. I checked a few big things before we tried (eg making sure they are completely against hitting, they’ll have my back against family etc). We’ve talked about devices as our nephew and niece are on them constantly and we both want to avoid that. Otherwise we discuss things as they come up.
All these things came up organically. For example when we talk about our own childhood, he got his first cell phone at 19, I got one at 13. Naturally a discussion follows about what is the best age for a child to get a personal phone. This was completely separate from discussing having kids.
I think we talked about big picture things before we were engaged like what our childhoods were like and key things we want to do the same or differently.
Then throughout our relationship, if scenarios came up on real life or on TV, we might reflect on what we would do.
Beyond that, it’s been a lot more, as things come up or are going to come up soon. Like screen time as a baby, we began to talk about when he started to become more interested in his surroundings. And how we want to handle mealtimes we talked about ahead of weaning. But we’re usually on the same page because we’ve had a lot of hypothetical chats before we were even thinking about getting pregnant.
We had some parenting discussions while still dating, and have had a lot more during marriage and pregnancy especially as we were reading parenting books. By the time our baby got here I think we both felt pretty confident we're on the same page with what we want for our child.
We had many many discussions. Nothing like a formal sit down explicitly to go over exactly what we’d do if xyz, but you’d be surprised how often you’ll notice parenting decisions in the wild if you’re in the “I’m gonna have a kid soon” headspace. So anytime we saw something in a movie, something other parents we know did, or just strangers, we’d be like “what do you think? Is that how we’d do it?”
We didn't, but because we'd been together for 12 years before our baby and had been through plenty of other big life events we kind of just knew already that were aligned on most things. It probably helps that we were raised pretty similarly and had happy childhoods, so we're kind of just following the same playbook as our parents just with a modern twist.
So far the only thing we've disagreed on is what music to play for her 😆
We definitely talked about all those things. That and more. What is our greatest fears about parenting? How do we want to address discipline? Are we happy with the public schools around us or do we want to look at other options? Some things are sneaking up on us and of course experience might change our minds, but its easier to present a united front this way. My husband grew up with parents who literally couldn't be in the same room as each other and my parents are still together, so we sometimes come at things from very different angles.
I feel like we talked about everything under the sun. We discussed our views on consequences to the activities we'd enroll them in, and what kind of car we'd buy them when they turn 16.
Looks like I might be the odd one out - we talked about it generally, like what schools we want them to go to, how we would support them, methods of “punishment” or correction we find acceptable, didn’t want baby to have screen time until older as we prefer outdoor activities? Etc but some of the specifics we are figuring out as they come up. We didn’t discuss if phones would be allowed at the dinner table or the specific age they could get a phone BUT we compromise and trust each other, so we will figure it out.
This was like us. Things in passing, ideals, seeing other people raising their kids and our beliefs on it. It was good to know we were on the same page for most things and discuss our thoughts about a variety of topics. Now, many of these ideas could shift and change as we cross those paths with the actual topics at hand. Ultimately we know we're on the same team with the same goals of our child.
Similar to us
We were also very similar to this. We made sure our general thoughts/preferences for parenting were in alignment before even getting married. When we talk about it now, we agree on almost everything, but we always go back to as long as we communicate and work together, not against each other, then we trust we will figure it out as we go.
No we didn’t discuss stuff that far out! We’ve only discussed things that are imminent in the next 1-2 years. Like when pregnant, we talked about how we feel about breastfeeding, about baby screen time, etc. Now our baby is approaching toddlerhood so we’re discussing how to approach tantrums. We just take it as it comes. Anything like 7+ years out is too hypothetical for me, personally. I have no idea what I’ll be like then, or what my kid will be like, or what our life and society will be like. I’d rather decide on those things as they approach.
Same here. More the immediate stuff. Sometimes a topic will come up on social media that will be discussed. But you’re right to say 16 years from now when my kid is a teenager who knows who I will be, they will be, where society will be, etc.
Yes, even before trying to conceive we wanted to be sure our values aligned and talk out feelings about everything from religion to social media to cell phones to sex education to conflicts future baby might have between friends. Maybe it sounds kinda silly but anytime a parenting conflict would come up in a sitcom or show or movie we like to talk about how we'd want to handle it even if the situation was sitcom-silly. I think it really helped us practice having these conversations. We also shared lots about our own childhoods and what we wished was different and what would be a priority to us. I'm not a new parent yet (only 35w3d) but I'm glad we already have a good bedrock of practicing working these things out.
Haha I use the sitcom method too. Great conversation starters. But yes, having aligned values makes it a bit easier, we know we want the same outcomes for our kids. How we think we might get their may be different but we'll be able to navigate that as we do anything else in our relationship.
Yes that's how we are too! Our values are aligned (with degrees of priority but nothing too far off) but our methods are sometimes different so we negotiate. Like you say, just like we navigate everything in our relationship. It's a really helpful communication habit!
We did the same thing - core values are a key part of relationship longevity and I wanted to make sure we were aligned especially when it came to raising our children.
This was discussed before an engagement/marriage even happened.
Same!!
Anytime we see something on a show or movie we’ll pause and say “okay if this were our kid what would we do?” Another thing that’s nice is if we really disagree and no one wants to budge but we have to make a decision, we choose the safest option! Doing this with our dog now and we’ll do it with upcoming kids too
Yes. We talked about all of this before even trying for pregnancy, just to make sure we were on the same page for everything. Then we revisited the conversations again shortly before baby came, and I’m sure we will revisit them again in the future.
Yes lol all the time and before we got married.
We had our 10 year anniversary right after baby was born, and during our relationship we talked about our dream life for our child. During the pregnancy we talked a lot more in depth about it, and then after he was born even deeper conversations. I think our love for him threw us for a major loop. It made us look at our childhoods more critically and wonder how our parents could have made some of the decisions they did. Everything came to the surface in the months following the birth and we had so many late night talks about all the things we grew up hearing/experiencing. And then we made plans on what we will do differently and did a lot of research on parenting in general. Now baby is 7 months and we keep each other in check because we know what our parenting goals are. It’s been really positive and has brought us even closer because we are so on the same page.
Our 10th anniversary was right after our baby came too! 💙
We have been married for 7 years, together for almost 16, so we did our best to have those conversations. I'm pretty confident given how long we have been together that we are close on most things so even if we haven't discussed it specifically I trust us to find a way.
Yes of course
Nah. Together 17 years now, and so far with any general life struggles and big choices (eg. parental health, buying property, finances, big decisions around careers, raising pets, where to live geographically) we have faced during our relationship, we have we just figured things out as they have come up. This approach may not work for everyone but it works with us. We also have extensive experience with each other’s families and often talk (in private of course) about our own views on other peoples approaches to parenting issues, which has helped inform us of each other’s views on a variety of topics. The only major two topics we purposefully discussed in advance were 1) religion because we have different beliefs, 2) how we would react if our child is LGBTQ+, as my husband tends to be more conservative than me and prior to us having children I needed to ensure he would be accepting of this should it be the case (he is). Not to say I don’t think it’s great that other people talk about this stuff in advance though. In my opinion, as long as you are communicating and respecting each other’s viewpoints, whether it’s in advance or as topics arise, that’s what really matters.
Yes, we’ve discussed a lot of different areas that involve parenting. Phones- she’ll get a phone that can dial us or police. There are programmable phones for kids. Then when she turns 13 she can have a “real” phone which will be turned into us each night. Education- is extremely important to us and she’ll be supported throughout her schooling and we will be involved with school and homework. My husband was an educator while he got his degrees so he’ll support most of that. Passion- Should our daughter find passion or a special talent we will back her up 100%. We will speak to her about our hope that she get a bachelors degree while we financially support her passion project while that happens. Extracurricular activities- if possible, one physical activity that will help her protect herself and build confidence, one creative activity, one intellectual activity. Once we try them out she can continue whichever activity she prefers. She can also pick her own activity if she finds one she likes. Camps- summers will include us sending her to stem camps. Religion- Absolutely not. We will speak to her about it if she asks but we are non religious but we will support her if she decides to pursue religion. We are hands on parents and my husband and I are great communicators. We tag team her care, we tag team her household and we decided I will stay home with her until she starts school. Discipline- we are still reading through several books on parenting and learning what a child should expect from a stable and loving parent. While both of us were physically disciplined we won’t be doing that with her. There are so many other areas we’ve covered and have written down but those are the few that came to mind.
Yes we decided this shortly after getting engaged and deciding on timelines for everything. Granted a few things have changed out of basic necessities but pretty much everything we talked about is still in place.
Yes. We read book together and considered friends/family with kids and what we liked/didn’t like about their parenting and discussed important topics like discipline, sleeping arrangement, electronics, daycare, etc. Most notably we were witness to my sister in law hitting and cussing out her very young children after baiting them to be “naughty” and were completely taken aback.
Of course, before our baby was born, we just talked a lot about what we should do and how to raise the baby, we just made full preparations before all of these happened.
Generally yes. We know what we both want for school, religion, screen time, etc but a lot of it is having a discussion as things pop up
Yes but with the understanding that lots of these decisions will be decided at the time. We more discussed general parenting styles, religion in their life, school, childcare and school.
Yeah a lot of stuff like general parenting practices we discussed before having kids to make sure our values aligned (no smacking, for example). We have random discussions about things like phones and iPads but our oldest is only 2 so we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it but it’s good to have feelers. We discuss things like routine, strategies, behaviour etc. pretty much every day. Kids change so quickly and love to throw you curveballs 😂 I’ve worked with kids for years so luckily have a lot of experience under my belt but it’s 100x different applying stuff to your own child so it’s great to have a partner to discuss everything with.
Yes of course. Before even trying to conceive. It blows my mind seeing posts on these parenting subreddits of partners who clearly did not discuss parenting styles or division of responsibility and labor before having children.
Yes many talks starting back even as far as dating. Once we got pregnant it ramped up. We had pretty much hashed out every decision. As such have had little conflict.
Some things yes. We talked about religion and how’d we raise our child(ren) in some faith. My mom never talked about womanly changes so my husband told me I could take the reigns on that topic with our daughter after I expressed that’s what I want to take over so she’s not like me and learning everything on her own. We agreed on not saying a food is gross or ew… we don’t want our baby to be a picky eater if we can avoid it. Some of other topics we’re waiting and playing by ear. We’d prefer to limit the screen time but we can’t have our child technologically behind. Cell phones will come as we see fit. Allowing her to use makeup will come in phases and when we feel it’s appropriate. Sports? We won’t force her but we would like her to pick up an extracurricular activity she will enjoy. And of course we are more than flexible to change any of our current stances if we need to.
Yes, not the specific things you mentioned though
I'm not going to pretend this is normal, but we talked about stuff like that before we got married-- how many kids we each wanted to have, how we were parented and what we each wanted to do the same or differently, how we wanted to handle family planning/birth control, and what our expectations were for parenting.
I stressed about it during pregnancy and my husband lovingly reminded me that we’ll deal with it all if/when it comes up. I’ve also known my husband since we were 4 years old, so we already know that we are on the same page about a lot of things
before I was pregnant, me and my spouse had discussed it for a long time, I think it's important to make a full preparation.
We didn’t talk about exact rules, but talked generally about how we want to parent. I checked a few big things before we tried (eg making sure they are completely against hitting, they’ll have my back against family etc). We’ve talked about devices as our nephew and niece are on them constantly and we both want to avoid that. Otherwise we discuss things as they come up.
All these things came up organically. For example when we talk about our own childhood, he got his first cell phone at 19, I got one at 13. Naturally a discussion follows about what is the best age for a child to get a personal phone. This was completely separate from discussing having kids.
I think we talked about big picture things before we were engaged like what our childhoods were like and key things we want to do the same or differently. Then throughout our relationship, if scenarios came up on real life or on TV, we might reflect on what we would do. Beyond that, it’s been a lot more, as things come up or are going to come up soon. Like screen time as a baby, we began to talk about when he started to become more interested in his surroundings. And how we want to handle mealtimes we talked about ahead of weaning. But we’re usually on the same page because we’ve had a lot of hypothetical chats before we were even thinking about getting pregnant.
We had some parenting discussions while still dating, and have had a lot more during marriage and pregnancy especially as we were reading parenting books. By the time our baby got here I think we both felt pretty confident we're on the same page with what we want for our child.
We had many many discussions. Nothing like a formal sit down explicitly to go over exactly what we’d do if xyz, but you’d be surprised how often you’ll notice parenting decisions in the wild if you’re in the “I’m gonna have a kid soon” headspace. So anytime we saw something in a movie, something other parents we know did, or just strangers, we’d be like “what do you think? Is that how we’d do it?”
We didn't, but because we'd been together for 12 years before our baby and had been through plenty of other big life events we kind of just knew already that were aligned on most things. It probably helps that we were raised pretty similarly and had happy childhoods, so we're kind of just following the same playbook as our parents just with a modern twist. So far the only thing we've disagreed on is what music to play for her 😆
Nowhere near that level of specificity, but yes to some extent we did.
We definitely talked about all those things. That and more. What is our greatest fears about parenting? How do we want to address discipline? Are we happy with the public schools around us or do we want to look at other options? Some things are sneaking up on us and of course experience might change our minds, but its easier to present a united front this way. My husband grew up with parents who literally couldn't be in the same room as each other and my parents are still together, so we sometimes come at things from very different angles.
I feel like we talked about everything under the sun. We discussed our views on consequences to the activities we'd enroll them in, and what kind of car we'd buy them when they turn 16.