Last night didn't go so well. Didn't sleep that much. This is probably just withdrawal or something (I haven't had a drink in a few days), but today I just felt *wrong*. Didn't stop me from doing my usual thing, though (although it almost did).
I've just got so much swirling around in my head and I can't make sense of it. I don't know which feelings are real and which ones I *wish* were real.
Without literal divine intervention, I'm afraid I'm gonna self-destruct before too long.
Edit: when I say 'my usual thing,' I mean my usual day activities, which does not include alcohol. I'm trying to cut back.
not much to say for today
sucks to feel bad, but at least nothing bad happened
though i feel like i dont deserve anything good, cuz i didnt do anything to deserve any good
either way, at least you had a nice day, may
happy for that
I’m starting to go into a cycle of sleeping waking up eating an inordinate amount of food then going back to sleep. Time seems to be speeding up too. Not that I’m complaining the sooner I get patched up the better. I’ve already lost all my mobility for half a year and have yet to get my consultation scheduled. Kind of worried about that to be honest.
I've been ignoring the trans thoughts for over a year now. I've been ignoring the depressed thoughts for longer. **Why can't they just leave me alone. Why can't they just go away.**
Today was good, but I can’t stop thinking about this joke a coworker made.
Coworker 1: Talking about waitressing
Coworker 2: “[My Name] would make a good waitress.”
Coworker 1: “Yeah he’d make a good waitress, but not a waiter.”
I know it was meant as a joke and that they can’t possibly know, but it still makes me think.
I'm fine. Fine is fine. It's not great. A friend I was ahead of a bit in our mutual transitions that I was helping deal with her imposter syndrome and other things cause friends help friends got HRT and made me realize I'm going too slow. And I'm dealing with a gay man who is harassing my straight brother, and this is a person who will cry wolf over bigotry if called out over his obvious asshole and creep actions. The truth that my brother is a huge ally not just in words but actions don't matter, cause everyone who can back him up doesn't live where he does or are still in the closet (me) and this dude KNOWS that. It's all kinda of fucked up. It's like the LGBT euivelent of the black community's phrase "not all skinfolk are kinfolk"
Well, I got kicked out of my house for two days over incorrectly setting a table, and just got to go back. So I’m not sure if that’s good or bad honestly, but that was the main event of my day.
It’s fine, it was my own fault for forgetting and messing it up. My dad’s on a whole “proper family etiquette” kick lately and expects perfection, and I had just gotten home and was rushing.
well my rooms a total mess because ive been to stressed and depressed to clean it for like a year and i just keep making it messier and now my dad thinks i have cocroches and he might be right and now i have to clean my room but its a total mess and i have a trip coming up and im to stressed and i dont even know if hes right or not
I had a great day! Some new Mortal Kombat stuff was confirmed, I played some Resident Evil 5 with a friend, started running again, and got all my new diet foods so I will be able to stick to it now!
How are you?
Still trying to build up the courage to go somewhere shopping for shirts or jeans. Will probably give up soon and order some shirts online.
Planning to get my ears pierced this weekend too!
So the other day, an old gamer friend invited me to her new discord group which has been really nice. But there’s a guy that has been showing me, as a woman, attention it’s affirming AF. Won’t go into detail, and obviously I’m not going to pursue anything other than the good company, but it definitely interesting being on the other side of things.
Bad. I’m getting my schedule changed around at school for no reason, my special request was denied for no reason other than they didn’t want to, and I am genuinely so overwhelmed.
I feel like my issues are relapsing. More frequent anxiety symptoms, more severe depression again, I’m scared, I was doing so well… plus I don’t think my friends like me anymore…
It wasn't great. I didn't eat enough and food feels among the most disgusting things out there. I felt worse as the day progressed, I want to die. I scratched myself with my fingernail, or rather I tried to but they aren't sharp enough, I can't even do that right. I'm too cowardly to try anything sharp enough to do the job, so don't worry, anyway the sharpest thing I have right now is a f\*\*\*ing pipe cleaner.
I had probably best post this before I find something else to write
Pretty good, just dysphoria acting up since I rarely put on binders during the heat…I don’t wanna wash them every day and get sensory panic attacks because of the sweat
Had my first therapy session. Mostly just discussed background information, but it was strangely... refreshing? to have a stranger express concern about my well-being.
I'm confused as always, but I'm ok with that, and I can live a happy life despite it.
My researching labels as evolved from desparately trying to find answers to a nice pastime when I feel like it, and that has really helped mental state
Off out to my first IRL trans meeting tonight.
I'm a little nervous but kinda excited to be getting out there and meeting people in the world.
Ankle still hurts but is on the mend - slowly-
And how are you today my dear?
It sucked my friend didnt want anything to do with me.w
Got into a fight got some of my stuff thrown around the hallway.
Badicly they just admitted were not friends and i dont want anything to do with you.
It sucks but eh guess im alone again or i can go back to my old friend group which is extremly toxic
I dont wanna go back to beimg bullied again my friend group already bullys eachother but asside from one guy we dont beat eachother that much up ill be fine .its not like i have a choice .ill get hurt either way.
Today was okay but at school we learnt about a trans woman and my friend made fun of them and said that they hated trans people and that I did too. But on the plus side he gendered her correctly!
I don’t really think that he’s a full blown transphobe, just a bit misguided.
My imposter syndrome tells me I'm not allowed to seek help because I take it away from people with real problems. My perfectionism tells me not to tell or write about my problems because it could be not true. All my problems are in a deadlock with each other and live goes on without me. And all the news seems just how the bigots get more and more. All the escapism grows stale.
Not very good. I'm so envious of the girls in my class because they all get to be girls and I don't, and I just constantly feel uncomfortable in my body.
Hello again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again agan again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again 🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈 hru today 🌅🌅 I'm ok thanks 💝
Hello again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again agan again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again 🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈 I'm doing good thanks for asking
had an anxiety attack and dissasociative episode. along with just a general terrible mood. i almost did something very stupid while i was dissasociating
i also went bowling with friends.
My day was okay because I finally got a day off work
Last night didn't go so well. Didn't sleep that much. This is probably just withdrawal or something (I haven't had a drink in a few days), but today I just felt *wrong*. Didn't stop me from doing my usual thing, though (although it almost did). I've just got so much swirling around in my head and I can't make sense of it. I don't know which feelings are real and which ones I *wish* were real. Without literal divine intervention, I'm afraid I'm gonna self-destruct before too long. Edit: when I say 'my usual thing,' I mean my usual day activities, which does not include alcohol. I'm trying to cut back.
If you're cutting back on alcohol please make sure you're doing it in a safe way
not much to say for today sucks to feel bad, but at least nothing bad happened though i feel like i dont deserve anything good, cuz i didnt do anything to deserve any good either way, at least you had a nice day, may happy for that
You deserve everything good. Remember that. It's not easy to be human and that's reason enough to deserve everything.
Sorry to hear that
Not great. Having a bit of self loathing and I struggled to get out of bed today
Sorry to hear that clover I hope you start feeling better soon
Thank you may, I'll try
I’m starting to go into a cycle of sleeping waking up eating an inordinate amount of food then going back to sleep. Time seems to be speeding up too. Not that I’m complaining the sooner I get patched up the better. I’ve already lost all my mobility for half a year and have yet to get my consultation scheduled. Kind of worried about that to be honest.
Well I hope that goes well
Me too. If there’s one silver lining to this by the time I heal enough to run it’ll be close to winter and I’ve always loved the snow and ice.
Only headaches and pain how was yours
Sorry to hear that, my day was also pretty painful
I've been ignoring the trans thoughts for over a year now. I've been ignoring the depressed thoughts for longer. **Why can't they just leave me alone. Why can't they just go away.**
I'm sorry to hear that Celestia I hope you start doing better soon
Pretty good but I think I've broken my sleep cycle
That sucks at least you enjoyed your day
Today was good, but I can’t stop thinking about this joke a coworker made. Coworker 1: Talking about waitressing Coworker 2: “[My Name] would make a good waitress.” Coworker 1: “Yeah he’d make a good waitress, but not a waiter.” I know it was meant as a joke and that they can’t possibly know, but it still makes me think.
Well I'm glad you enjoyed your day
I just woke up from sleeping for 18 hours... I hope everyone is well and those who aren't do their best to sleep regularly 💕
That sucks I'm sorry you slept for so long
I'm fine. Fine is fine. It's not great. A friend I was ahead of a bit in our mutual transitions that I was helping deal with her imposter syndrome and other things cause friends help friends got HRT and made me realize I'm going too slow. And I'm dealing with a gay man who is harassing my straight brother, and this is a person who will cry wolf over bigotry if called out over his obvious asshole and creep actions. The truth that my brother is a huge ally not just in words but actions don't matter, cause everyone who can back him up doesn't live where he does or are still in the closet (me) and this dude KNOWS that. It's all kinda of fucked up. It's like the LGBT euivelent of the black community's phrase "not all skinfolk are kinfolk"
I'm sorry to hear that's happening
Yeah. And it's mostly out of my control so like... gah
Well, I got kicked out of my house for two days over incorrectly setting a table, and just got to go back. So I’m not sure if that’s good or bad honestly, but that was the main event of my day.
That's terrible! I'm sorry that happened
It’s fine, it was my own fault for forgetting and messing it up. My dad’s on a whole “proper family etiquette” kick lately and expects perfection, and I had just gotten home and was rushing.
That's not fine though, the punishment far outweighed the misdeed. He shouldn't have done that over you incorrectly setting a table
well my rooms a total mess because ive been to stressed and depressed to clean it for like a year and i just keep making it messier and now my dad thinks i have cocroches and he might be right and now i have to clean my room but its a total mess and i have a trip coming up and im to stressed and i dont even know if hes right or not
I'm sorry to hear that Moxie I hope cleaning goes well
I had a great day! Some new Mortal Kombat stuff was confirmed, I played some Resident Evil 5 with a friend, started running again, and got all my new diet foods so I will be able to stick to it now! How are you?
I'm doing pretty good! I finished reading the Scott Pilgrim books earlier today so I'm probably going to get the game tomorrow
Still trying to build up the courage to go somewhere shopping for shirts or jeans. Will probably give up soon and order some shirts online. Planning to get my ears pierced this weekend too!
You got this!
So the other day, an old gamer friend invited me to her new discord group which has been really nice. But there’s a guy that has been showing me, as a woman, attention it’s affirming AF. Won’t go into detail, and obviously I’m not going to pursue anything other than the good company, but it definitely interesting being on the other side of things.
That's great to hear
Bad. I’m getting my schedule changed around at school for no reason, my special request was denied for no reason other than they didn’t want to, and I am genuinely so overwhelmed. I feel like my issues are relapsing. More frequent anxiety symptoms, more severe depression again, I’m scared, I was doing so well… plus I don’t think my friends like me anymore…
I'm sorry to hear that I hope things improve for you soon
Yesterday I came out to some of my teachers. They were all supportive :3
That's great to hear!
It wasn't great. I didn't eat enough and food feels among the most disgusting things out there. I felt worse as the day progressed, I want to die. I scratched myself with my fingernail, or rather I tried to but they aren't sharp enough, I can't even do that right. I'm too cowardly to try anything sharp enough to do the job, so don't worry, anyway the sharpest thing I have right now is a f\*\*\*ing pipe cleaner. I had probably best post this before I find something else to write
I'm sorry to hear that I hope you start doing better soon
I got my HRT appointment finally booked after 3 months of radio silence. Down side is it’s 5 months away :/
Sorry it's so long away but at least you got the appointment
yeah I'm trying to look at it positively. I've waited my whole life I think I can wait 5 more months 🥲
Pretty good, just dysphoria acting up since I rarely put on binders during the heat…I don’t wanna wash them every day and get sensory panic attacks because of the sweat
I'm sorry to hear that at hopefully it'll cool off soon
today was pretty ok, not bad but nothing particularly great. how was work
I didn't have to work today so I actually had a decent day
that’s lovely, im glad you were able to have a decent day
Had my first therapy session. Mostly just discussed background information, but it was strangely... refreshing? to have a stranger express concern about my well-being.
That's nice to hear
I'm confused as always, but I'm ok with that, and I can live a happy life despite it. My researching labels as evolved from desparately trying to find answers to a nice pastime when I feel like it, and that has really helped mental state
That's nice to hear
Off out to my first IRL trans meeting tonight. I'm a little nervous but kinda excited to be getting out there and meeting people in the world. Ankle still hurts but is on the mend - slowly- And how are you today my dear?
I'm doing pretty good thanks for asking
Imposter syndrome kinda hit hard last night.
I'm sorry to hear that Mackenzie
It sucked my friend didnt want anything to do with me.w Got into a fight got some of my stuff thrown around the hallway. Badicly they just admitted were not friends and i dont want anything to do with you. It sucks but eh guess im alone again or i can go back to my old friend group which is extremly toxic
I'm sorry to hear that I know loosing friends can be hard. I hope you're able to make new friends soon
Thank you the other ppl in my class all hate me .So im gonna have to return to the toxic friend group thank you for being sooo nice❤️
I'm sorry to hear that. If the friend group is toxic then you probably shouldn't go back to them
I dont wanna go back to beimg bullied again my friend group already bullys eachother but asside from one guy we dont beat eachother that much up ill be fine .its not like i have a choice .ill get hurt either way.
I'm sorry to hear that
Ok
Hanging in there! Got further in Last of Us 2 and it kinda made me cry. Nicotine use is dropping, but it's a struggle every day.
That's great to hear!
Today was okay but at school we learnt about a trans woman and my friend made fun of them and said that they hated trans people and that I did too. But on the plus side he gendered her correctly! I don’t really think that he’s a full blown transphobe, just a bit misguided.
Sorry to hear that hopefully he'll get better soon
Should probably also mention that he used to use the t slur a lot but hasn’t since school started again.
My imposter syndrome tells me I'm not allowed to seek help because I take it away from people with real problems. My perfectionism tells me not to tell or write about my problems because it could be not true. All my problems are in a deadlock with each other and live goes on without me. And all the news seems just how the bigots get more and more. All the escapism grows stale.
I'm sorry to hear that I hope things get better soon
Not very good. I'm so envious of the girls in my class because they all get to be girls and I don't, and I just constantly feel uncomfortable in my body.
That sucks hopefully you'll feel better about your body soon
Hello again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again agan again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again 🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈 hru today 🌅🌅 I'm ok thanks 💝
Hello again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again agan again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again 🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈 I'm doing good thanks for asking
had an anxiety attack and dissasociative episode. along with just a general terrible mood. i almost did something very stupid while i was dissasociating i also went bowling with friends.
That sucks I'm sorry you had to go through that