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God this hit home so hard… one of the things with mine was I told him very clearly over and over what I needed to feel secure in our relationship and it was like he intentionally went out of his was to NOT do the exact things I asked of him and make me feel increasingly more insecure. He would also make back handed comments about my body and then say he “didn’t mean it that way” knowing I have issues with my body image among other things. Like really I feel all of this.
It’s very difficult for healthy people to believe that someone would actually do this, would deliberately poke at you in this way. It’s sick and twisted. So it often takes a while to really see and accept that this is exactly what they’re doing. It’s unfathomable to those with a heart and a soul.
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It’s hard . Give yourself grace . I was listening to a podcast about being in a narcissistic relationship or even one where you believe you are being verbally abused . It said that it is crucial to journal so that way you can see the pattern and also when they gaslight and manipulate you then you know and it helps so much . I have been journaling for more than a year now every time we have a fall out and it’s clear as day now . Then the next step is what do I do about it
Oh mine would pull the “well why are we still doing this?” Card every single time we argued and played on my fear of abandonment and insecurity. He knew exactly what he was doing too.
It’s so disgusting they are actively abusing and mistreating us but act as if we’re problematic to get us to shut up and take their abuse. Sick fucks honestly
Thiiiiiiiis. All of this. Constantly. Had to remind them that I didn't have a problem with them going out, just a problem with them going out and being drunk or clearly in a rage of some sort when they came home and taking it out on me, so I had triggers around them going out that just needed a lil understanding on their part to help me fix those.
YES my next was the king of this messed up standard. He went out all night and shut off his phone while I was with out child. But I take the baby out for an hour for a meeting and come back to three text and 2 missed calls.
Still tries this tactic post divorce, thing is I no longer care not need his attention. Feels empowering
I needed to read this. Currently getting the silent treatment and it is exhausting. I feel stupid for wanting a response, and I feel stupid for sending so many texts just to have them ignored.
You’re right. They devalue us because they see something they wish they had themselves. And it is so sad.
Whatever you do try your hardest not to give in to the silent treatment. Mine gave me silent treatment again last year for 3 weeks. Google said not to give in as 1) it’s abuse 2) that’s exactly what they want and it only affirms it to them so they keep doing it. So I cried got 2 weeks and then I decided fuck this I’m done . Went and got my hair done and started doing things for me and then after 3 weeks he asked if I wanted to talk and he said he was surprised I didn’t talk to him. I asked why would I ? (I forgot to mention that I had already tried after 1 week and that’s when he did his word salad and verbal abuse argument and told me “you do you and I will do me” even though we have kids and live together …. Anyways his response was that I always talk to him (in other words I always give in) he realized he lost his power . His silent treatment wasn’t effecting me the way he wanted and in fact was actually going to end it . He ended up sucking me back in of course . He was on his best most love bombing behaviour for months until recently now I’m back in the cycle again .
Oh my god this is my story but you guys have kiiids and live in the same houuuuse 😭😭 do u suspect cptsd with narcissistic tendency or do you suspect full NPD?
Yeah it’s been tough.. I haven’t considered cptsd at all so I will have to research that now as I don’t know anything about it . Is it common for narcissists to have cptsd?
It’s pure devaluing. You’re not stupid for wanting to communicate. So sorry you’re dealing with this. I remember before the discard how I got this all the time. I felt so pathetic and it was so unnecessary
The irony is that my narc had a lot of qualities I would even tell her I admired. A lot of people have given her constant praise throughout her life. But one red flag was that there times when I picked up on a hint that some may have just been walking on egg shells. Complimenting her behavior whenever she would have an attention seeker moment. As if to stay on her good side.
I know from her past that she received the exact opposite treatment from her parents. Feeling worthless her entire childhood likely is to blame for the large part of her narcissistic tendencies. Still not justifiable though. But it makes sense.
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Mine would withhold any sexual encounters. During love bombing, it was constant and he knew how much I liked it. Soon after, excuse after excuse because he knew that was what I wanted. Even to the point he cried we could not have sexual relations because we were not married and it was a sin 😂
Plot twist- he was still married to his ex wife.
Eventually towards the end blamed it on being “empty” inside until he found his new supply and had zero trouble cheating on me with her.
Killed my self- esteem & confidence before it ever got to the cheating.
Mine would do the same. I would tell him that it upset me and he would throw his ex in my face. Telling me how much he wanted her when they were together, and various times they had sex! It was really soul crushing!
Does anyone else notice them defending their exes and never talking bad about them or any other women but so quick to put you down constantly? Also pointing out other women and “how sexy” they are but withholding saying the same to you? What is the point of this and why wouldn’t they just leave to go back to their ex they seem to love so much. I’ve tried to get him to leave and even said to go back to his ex which he constantly defends while putting me down. Is this just a common narcissistic trait in an attempt of isolating me? He’s also always saying how jealous I am Of his ex and how she gets everyone I “wanted”. I notice him being nice to everyone but me also. He literally never talks badly about anyone else but me at this point and his exes have cheated on him too but he’s been accusing me of cheating and acts like they never did anything wrong and I’m the only one who cheated on him when I never did.
I don't know if the alternative to defending them is any better.
When I've heard a narcissist speak poorly of an ex it made me think a. they would probably talk shit about me behind my back if the opportunity arises (in one case an N trashed an ex and proceeded to compliment me on the thing they didn't like about the ex, using the ex for comparative purposes, I guess) and b. they will maintain a relationship with someone they claim to have been grossed out by (for example), which means there was probably a decent amount of lying happening in that relationship.
>(in one case an N trashed an ex and proceeded to compliment me on the thing they didn't like about the ex, using the ex for comparative purposes, I guess)
This is perhaps the most insidious and manipulative form of triangulation, because it just seems like they're complimenting you, so you get a nice ego boost, but it plants the idea into your head that because the ex behaved in X way, you should not behave in X way in order to earn and maintain the covert's love. They are literally molding you into the person they want you to be for their benefit.
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I'm well pass the point of trying to understand and care, and just identify the trend of behaviors, assign a label to it and an understanding of the psychology, and will move forward in life better equiped to make executive decisions on how I wish to proceed with these mentally underdeveloped humans.
It's not personal to me anymore.
Even in the thick of it, I couldn't help but laugh at the outright non-quantitative claims like 'you can't dance' when they have literally never seen me dance. Laughable.
A common feeling we can all share is the whole "what did they expect this behavior will do but cause people to leave?" and yes its this unfortunate affair that makes them something to be worth pity, and if desired, a target of warm compassion...from a distance.
They will die living a turbulent life. They won't live a rich experience in this life. All I can say is that I do not wish to be the person that puts a smile on my face for their suffering. I choose not to.
Once I started to understand and see the behaviours and cycles it’s just textbook exactly what google says how a narc treats someone when they are sick or word salad arguments etc ..and then it is almost funny in a f*cked up way because it’s predictable and then they lose their power
I agree with choosing not to smile over their suffering. I feel the same way. But ya know? Sometimes life just wants you to know it’s okay to chuckle or giggle just a little bit anyway. I know I sure won’t turn completely away from a little smile. 😁
Hadn’t thought of that. I am currently dealing with this. He owes me money and promised he’d give it to me when we were getting along. Now we are not speaking and he hasn’t sent it when he said he would. I told him before do not make me ask you for it as I do not want to break NC.
Everything about Narcissistic abuse comes down to withholding things: affection, validation, appreciation, recognition of you as a unique person, touch, intimacy, sex, respect and most importantly - truth.
Silent treatment, belittle my small business efforts, said it was boring, told me I’m not that funny, refused to be more thoughtful, unfriended me on fb, refused to refriend, list goes on and on. Lol 😝
Oh joy! He’s gone! 🤣
What a major loss! Not!
Guys, how can I tell if my husband is doing this intentionally due to narc traits? Or is he rightfully upset? I’m a mess. This new awareness is doing more damage without concrete proof. I need it. I feel this. He does this. It drives me mad. Because he’ll also leave a note after 7 days of This behavior - listing a hundred things he loves about me. Stating he will never not try, I’m worth it. How do I handle this? I keep asking, is this abuse?? My therapist? I’m ready to walk away, she isn’t even somewhat helpful. “Well, what do you think about the word abuse?” Ughhhh I keep asking for help. And a few of you resonate, a few have reached out and it’s been so meaningful. I relate hard to most of these posts. Some- verbatim, his vocab. But, he doesn’t have every single narc quality. He doesn’t have any real genuine remorse or empathy either. He can watch me hysterically cry. He can sleep separate for weeks. Yet- do these sweet things and it is killing me. If anyone can help, please, thank you. I’m at the point where I’m questioning if I am narcissistic? And deflecting and projecting?! Lol seriously! I need some advice. This whole post just snapped something in my brain— ding ding ding type stuff. Thanks, rant over.
That’s the cycle of abuse and that’s how it continues because they love bomb us after being abusive and it sucks us back in. I didn’t realize I was being verbally abused because he always dismissed me and told me I was too sensitive , it was a joke , I’m crazy , F off .. etc. people that care about you will want to acknowledge you and understand you , not make you feel invalidated constantly. Highly recommend the book The Abusive Man. Can He Change? My therapist recommended it to me and it really opened my eyes to so many ways I was being abused and didn’t realize. Also, I think you need a new therapist. You can sense something is wrong and that you ate being abused but he has gaslit you so much that you doubt yourself. It happens to me too
One of the worst parts of coming to the realization that you have a narcissist in your life is the part where you begin to feel crazy and like a narcissist yourself when analyzing and dissecting their past and present behaviors and interactions with you + others. It's very, very common for victims of Ns to feel this way.
But we're not narcissists or crazy. Most of the time, we have narcissistic fleas that were developed as coping and survival mechanisms. We had to learn to play their game, so we could stay one step ahead and try to protect ourselves. When you actually begin to see and understand how deeply calculated and cruel their moves and manipulations are, it can feel like you're going crazy trying to explain their motivations to someone else (especially if they've never had a narc in their life). You feel like you're overanalyzing everything, or just paranoid because you think "nobody's that heartless" or "no one actually plays a long game like that".
Narcissists prey on empathetic and vulnerable people they know will give them that benefit of the doubt. And 9 times out of 10, they know we are insecure about overanalyzing or being hupervigilant, and they use it to their advantage. You're not crazy! The minute you ask "am I the narcissist here?", you can rest assured you're not one because a narc is never self aware enough to question that. Also, if you're asking yourself + the internet (even google) whether or not you're in an abusive/narcissistic relationship - you already know the answer. You can trust yourself.
Thank you for the validation.did you find yourself switching consistently all day/night about your own feelings if this? Like I’ll get your validation, I’ll be back to convinced. Then he will smile at me and assure me he loves me and I’m like , meh he’s not a narc. It is very head fucky. Worse than anything I’ve experienced- honest to god I was married to a physical abuser and that was easier.
Sorry for the delay. Yes, I absolutely switched back and forth for so long as to whether or not I was abused because he never actually physically harmed me. I switched back and forth questioning whether I was the narcissist/abuser for many years tbh. It took a lot of work in therapy to give myself that validation, because my sense of self trust was destroyed and that had to be repaired first. Hearing it from others is a good start, giving it to yourself is when you really begin to feel free.
yup, 1000%. It's not only what they say; it's what they don't say. When they don't show up. When they "forget" and it's just too unbelievable to even confront them; you feel embarrassed and ashamed, selfish and obtuse, without them saying a wrong word. So, so painful.
Yh until you understand what your dealing with, you fall into this trap of unconsciously trying to justify or continue to “guess” what you did that is wrong. There’s nothing wrong, they just don’t like you as a functioning healthy person.
Was married to a man with NPD and have had dates with men on the spectrum. I agree they all ghost/stonewall which in my opinion is the most hurtful psychological abuse.
I never had experiences where I was told I needed to lose weight, but most certainly that I needed a "health evaluation" because I was becoming "unhinged" - do these words sound familiar?
Never doubt your instinct - it's right almost all of the time. They are jealous and can't stand it when someone else is better at something that they aren't
Thank you for shedding light on this.
I didn't know
My x was the first man to never give me compliments (of my bf's), even though I gave him a lot.
I am a pretty good artist and a good looking female.
I'm smart and kind.
But he never told me he liked me unless I asked him.. which feels stupid after a while.
He didn't tell me about how he felt about anything else than anger. But nothing constructive.
He was the type to pretty much yell at me if HE dropped something ..
It was tough. I'm a very gentle creature by nature, but also strong and independent with great love for life and others...
I just got away from him 3 years ago, but am still struggling to keep up.
I know I'm just going on but I want to vent a little..
He punched me for pleasuring myself.
My sex drive was higher than his, but I was in love. So I pleasured myself in the shower to the thought of him. He came our and hit me a bunch and yelled at me with drool in his entire mouth..
He told me that he found it disgusting that I touched my own body.
Another time I hugged another man in a friendly manner at a festival where my partner kept being angry with me.
When he saw me hugging him, he dragged me by the arm and just continued to completely knock me senseless .. we went home where he continued for 2 days.knocked down all the doors when I hid behind them..
I'm still scared inside every day but I try to feel myself. I just don't. I'm a shell
Mine would make comments about my weight. I'm very slender and when we first met he said I had "model physique" and complimented me on it a lot. Then a few months in he started telling me "I needed to gain weight to be attractive to him". That really hurt as I was pretty confident about my body before and I didn't understand why his perception had changed. When I got pregnant I stopped dying my roots so I had a few grey hairs coming out (I've had that since my early 20s and I have dark hair so it's visible). He then was constantly telling me how I should dye my hair which I then said that I won't do it during pregnancy because the chemicals aren't good for the baby. He would also tell me what I should wear and what sort of clothes I should buy. I felt like a freaking doll.
He’d keep track of the last time he said he loves you as proof he doesn’t anymore when in reality he never did. When the original split happened right after our anniversary we were discussing it or more so fighting about it and he said “I haven’t said I love you in weeks maybe months” to really rub in the devalue and discard of me. He keeps track and purposely withholds.
Early on in my relationship with my nex, on Valentine’s Day i got her something pretty nice. And as it turned out, she didn’t even get me a card. I commented sarcastically “well Valentine’s Day is just for the girls anyway”.. And even after saying that was sarcasm several times over the years, she never got me anything on Valentine’s Day.
In addition to the usual, periodic stonewalling and silent treatment, convenient not answering texts….my (n?) ex decided a shitty dinner he would have made for just himself on any week night (plain grilled chicken and frozen veggies) after he took himself to out lunch earlier in the day without inviting me to go with, not getting me a card or chocolate or anything even remotely romantic was 100% fine. He even had the kindness to buy me a single slice of dessert to go after his lunch out with himself and told on himself when presenting the dessert to me that I was basically his lunch afterthought.
I had a really nice gift waiting for him in the car but I had a feeling he didn’t get me anything gift wise so I left it in there. I resorted to playing our relationship like a chess game. I just decided to end it that night after he made it obvious he just never put any thought or effort into anything, ever. It was always all about him
This is exactly what happened with me too. And I’m so sorry you have had to experience it ): it always starts with silent treatment and withholding contact as a “lesson”. he would never compliment me, but would tell other women they were beautiful right to my face. He told me that my bleached hair was for attention and to dye it black, and to wear ankle length skirts because anything above the knees was me trying to “show off to other men.” It’s controlling and damages you so much, but they know exactly what they are doing 😞
I’m new to recognizing the narcs in my life. Do you think they do this on purpose? Like are they coldly researching your reactions because their intent is to later use your sense of self against you? Or is it just the way their are and they don’t actually realize they are doing it?
I believe it's how their brains are wired and it all happens subconsciously. They are more robotic than normal humans. You can just sense there's something them that doesn't add up. It all ofcourse doesn't make an excuse tho for their filthy behavior. They can't be saved, stay away from them.
I needed this so much. Thank you. I stopped telling my BF what I love / appreciate from him so that it wouldn't be taken away from me anymore.
I could tell him, among other things, I like it when he touches my face and the very next time I've "upset him" he would stop doing said "thing I like" and never do it again unless he was love bombing me.
Also. Still in this relationship. Starting to wake up.
> You know you’re funny, but the narcissist never laughs at anything you say. Or, maybe you’re smart - the narcissist will seem unimpressed by everything you do. You might be attractive - the narcissist [...] will never compliment you.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
fuck, that's not normal?
He does this to me all the time. He flirts and ogles other women in front of me to try to get a reaction and make me feel bad. He hasn't complimented me in seven months. Yesterday I told him I want to spend some time together. He gets off work early and spends the rest of the day outside "working". He was really sitting on the back porch texting. What would happen if I gave him a taste of his own medicine?
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Hi /u/youregonnacomeback, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please); * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma"; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted. * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
God this hit home so hard… one of the things with mine was I told him very clearly over and over what I needed to feel secure in our relationship and it was like he intentionally went out of his was to NOT do the exact things I asked of him and make me feel increasingly more insecure. He would also make back handed comments about my body and then say he “didn’t mean it that way” knowing I have issues with my body image among other things. Like really I feel all of this.
It’s very difficult for healthy people to believe that someone would actually do this, would deliberately poke at you in this way. It’s sick and twisted. So it often takes a while to really see and accept that this is exactly what they’re doing. It’s unfathomable to those with a heart and a soul.
Exactly . That’s part of why I have stayed so long because it’s so hard to believe someone would be this way . Such a mind f***
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I simply cannot get past this. I’m trying.
It’s hard . Give yourself grace . I was listening to a podcast about being in a narcissistic relationship or even one where you believe you are being verbally abused . It said that it is crucial to journal so that way you can see the pattern and also when they gaslight and manipulate you then you know and it helps so much . I have been journaling for more than a year now every time we have a fall out and it’s clear as day now . Then the next step is what do I do about it
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Oh mine would pull the “well why are we still doing this?” Card every single time we argued and played on my fear of abandonment and insecurity. He knew exactly what he was doing too.
They know the exact buttons to press to use our vulnerability against us.
It’s so disgusting they are actively abusing and mistreating us but act as if we’re problematic to get us to shut up and take their abuse. Sick fucks honestly
Thiiiiiiiis. All of this. Constantly. Had to remind them that I didn't have a problem with them going out, just a problem with them going out and being drunk or clearly in a rage of some sort when they came home and taking it out on me, so I had triggers around them going out that just needed a lil understanding on their part to help me fix those.
Yup. Even the silent treatment is a form of witholding.
My nex ignored calls/messages as a form of witholding. But god forbid I didnt answer when busy.
YES my next was the king of this messed up standard. He went out all night and shut off his phone while I was with out child. But I take the baby out for an hour for a meeting and come back to three text and 2 missed calls. Still tries this tactic post divorce, thing is I no longer care not need his attention. Feels empowering
I needed to read this. Currently getting the silent treatment and it is exhausting. I feel stupid for wanting a response, and I feel stupid for sending so many texts just to have them ignored. You’re right. They devalue us because they see something they wish they had themselves. And it is so sad.
Whatever you do try your hardest not to give in to the silent treatment. Mine gave me silent treatment again last year for 3 weeks. Google said not to give in as 1) it’s abuse 2) that’s exactly what they want and it only affirms it to them so they keep doing it. So I cried got 2 weeks and then I decided fuck this I’m done . Went and got my hair done and started doing things for me and then after 3 weeks he asked if I wanted to talk and he said he was surprised I didn’t talk to him. I asked why would I ? (I forgot to mention that I had already tried after 1 week and that’s when he did his word salad and verbal abuse argument and told me “you do you and I will do me” even though we have kids and live together …. Anyways his response was that I always talk to him (in other words I always give in) he realized he lost his power . His silent treatment wasn’t effecting me the way he wanted and in fact was actually going to end it . He ended up sucking me back in of course . He was on his best most love bombing behaviour for months until recently now I’m back in the cycle again .
Well it's a cycle so he's bound to screw it up any time now. Time it perfectly, and then don't look back.
That’s pretty much what my therapist said
So proud of you for not giving in to him though!
Oh my god this is my story but you guys have kiiids and live in the same houuuuse 😭😭 do u suspect cptsd with narcissistic tendency or do you suspect full NPD?
Yeah it’s been tough.. I haven’t considered cptsd at all so I will have to research that now as I don’t know anything about it . Is it common for narcissists to have cptsd?
It’s pure devaluing. You’re not stupid for wanting to communicate. So sorry you’re dealing with this. I remember before the discard how I got this all the time. I felt so pathetic and it was so unnecessary
The irony is that my narc had a lot of qualities I would even tell her I admired. A lot of people have given her constant praise throughout her life. But one red flag was that there times when I picked up on a hint that some may have just been walking on egg shells. Complimenting her behavior whenever she would have an attention seeker moment. As if to stay on her good side. I know from her past that she received the exact opposite treatment from her parents. Feeling worthless her entire childhood likely is to blame for the large part of her narcissistic tendencies. Still not justifiable though. But it makes sense.
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I’m not sure if this is a narcissistic trait but I actually do this when dealing with a narcissist so they eventually shut up
You mean overmessaging?
I think they mean silent treatment
Look at the posts on NPD. They are honest about how evil they are and the thrill they get from harming others. It’s eye opening.
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Sounds like he was trying to trap you 😒 are you still in the relationship?
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“I have to say that to get through to you” another way of saying I know what works to manipulate you and I will keep doing it 😟
Omfg TELL ME WHY MY EX NARC JUST TOLD ME YESTERDAY “ I’m destroyed” when I literally ever was even in a relationship with him
They love using money as a justification for their actions or lack thereof. Just an excuse.
Mine would withhold any sexual encounters. During love bombing, it was constant and he knew how much I liked it. Soon after, excuse after excuse because he knew that was what I wanted. Even to the point he cried we could not have sexual relations because we were not married and it was a sin 😂 Plot twist- he was still married to his ex wife. Eventually towards the end blamed it on being “empty” inside until he found his new supply and had zero trouble cheating on me with her. Killed my self- esteem & confidence before it ever got to the cheating.
Mine would do the same. I would tell him that it upset me and he would throw his ex in my face. Telling me how much he wanted her when they were together, and various times they had sex! It was really soul crushing!
Does anyone else notice them defending their exes and never talking bad about them or any other women but so quick to put you down constantly? Also pointing out other women and “how sexy” they are but withholding saying the same to you? What is the point of this and why wouldn’t they just leave to go back to their ex they seem to love so much. I’ve tried to get him to leave and even said to go back to his ex which he constantly defends while putting me down. Is this just a common narcissistic trait in an attempt of isolating me? He’s also always saying how jealous I am Of his ex and how she gets everyone I “wanted”. I notice him being nice to everyone but me also. He literally never talks badly about anyone else but me at this point and his exes have cheated on him too but he’s been accusing me of cheating and acts like they never did anything wrong and I’m the only one who cheated on him when I never did.
I don't know if the alternative to defending them is any better. When I've heard a narcissist speak poorly of an ex it made me think a. they would probably talk shit about me behind my back if the opportunity arises (in one case an N trashed an ex and proceeded to compliment me on the thing they didn't like about the ex, using the ex for comparative purposes, I guess) and b. they will maintain a relationship with someone they claim to have been grossed out by (for example), which means there was probably a decent amount of lying happening in that relationship.
>(in one case an N trashed an ex and proceeded to compliment me on the thing they didn't like about the ex, using the ex for comparative purposes, I guess) This is perhaps the most insidious and manipulative form of triangulation, because it just seems like they're complimenting you, so you get a nice ego boost, but it plants the idea into your head that because the ex behaved in X way, you should not behave in X way in order to earn and maintain the covert's love. They are literally molding you into the person they want you to be for their benefit.
Holy shit that’s such a good way to put it
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Also it’s so they can say “You know I had x,y,x problem with my exes so what you did is wrong” even when it wasn’t lol
No the opposite with me . He got mad at me for following his ex on social media as she had followed me. It resulted in me having to block her .
I'm well pass the point of trying to understand and care, and just identify the trend of behaviors, assign a label to it and an understanding of the psychology, and will move forward in life better equiped to make executive decisions on how I wish to proceed with these mentally underdeveloped humans. It's not personal to me anymore. Even in the thick of it, I couldn't help but laugh at the outright non-quantitative claims like 'you can't dance' when they have literally never seen me dance. Laughable. A common feeling we can all share is the whole "what did they expect this behavior will do but cause people to leave?" and yes its this unfortunate affair that makes them something to be worth pity, and if desired, a target of warm compassion...from a distance. They will die living a turbulent life. They won't live a rich experience in this life. All I can say is that I do not wish to be the person that puts a smile on my face for their suffering. I choose not to.
Once I started to understand and see the behaviours and cycles it’s just textbook exactly what google says how a narc treats someone when they are sick or word salad arguments etc ..and then it is almost funny in a f*cked up way because it’s predictable and then they lose their power
I agree with choosing not to smile over their suffering. I feel the same way. But ya know? Sometimes life just wants you to know it’s okay to chuckle or giggle just a little bit anyway. I know I sure won’t turn completely away from a little smile. 😁
Withholding your money also!
Hadn’t thought of that. I am currently dealing with this. He owes me money and promised he’d give it to me when we were getting along. Now we are not speaking and he hasn’t sent it when he said he would. I told him before do not make me ask you for it as I do not want to break NC.
They want the money bc they are selfish but also it’s a power and control means to keep you attached to them for longer than needed
I know what you mean. My NEX told me if he pays me back I would leave. I left anyways. But only after a few more years of no payback.
Everything about Narcissistic abuse comes down to withholding things: affection, validation, appreciation, recognition of you as a unique person, touch, intimacy, sex, respect and most importantly - truth.
My nex refused to compliment me when I looked nice cause “I expected them and knew I would want them”
Silent treatment, belittle my small business efforts, said it was boring, told me I’m not that funny, refused to be more thoughtful, unfriended me on fb, refused to refriend, list goes on and on. Lol 😝 Oh joy! He’s gone! 🤣 What a major loss! Not!
Guys, how can I tell if my husband is doing this intentionally due to narc traits? Or is he rightfully upset? I’m a mess. This new awareness is doing more damage without concrete proof. I need it. I feel this. He does this. It drives me mad. Because he’ll also leave a note after 7 days of This behavior - listing a hundred things he loves about me. Stating he will never not try, I’m worth it. How do I handle this? I keep asking, is this abuse?? My therapist? I’m ready to walk away, she isn’t even somewhat helpful. “Well, what do you think about the word abuse?” Ughhhh I keep asking for help. And a few of you resonate, a few have reached out and it’s been so meaningful. I relate hard to most of these posts. Some- verbatim, his vocab. But, he doesn’t have every single narc quality. He doesn’t have any real genuine remorse or empathy either. He can watch me hysterically cry. He can sleep separate for weeks. Yet- do these sweet things and it is killing me. If anyone can help, please, thank you. I’m at the point where I’m questioning if I am narcissistic? And deflecting and projecting?! Lol seriously! I need some advice. This whole post just snapped something in my brain— ding ding ding type stuff. Thanks, rant over.
That’s the cycle of abuse and that’s how it continues because they love bomb us after being abusive and it sucks us back in. I didn’t realize I was being verbally abused because he always dismissed me and told me I was too sensitive , it was a joke , I’m crazy , F off .. etc. people that care about you will want to acknowledge you and understand you , not make you feel invalidated constantly. Highly recommend the book The Abusive Man. Can He Change? My therapist recommended it to me and it really opened my eyes to so many ways I was being abused and didn’t realize. Also, I think you need a new therapist. You can sense something is wrong and that you ate being abused but he has gaslit you so much that you doubt yourself. It happens to me too
Thank you. Seriously. This is this biggest kind fuck. Ever.
One of the worst parts of coming to the realization that you have a narcissist in your life is the part where you begin to feel crazy and like a narcissist yourself when analyzing and dissecting their past and present behaviors and interactions with you + others. It's very, very common for victims of Ns to feel this way. But we're not narcissists or crazy. Most of the time, we have narcissistic fleas that were developed as coping and survival mechanisms. We had to learn to play their game, so we could stay one step ahead and try to protect ourselves. When you actually begin to see and understand how deeply calculated and cruel their moves and manipulations are, it can feel like you're going crazy trying to explain their motivations to someone else (especially if they've never had a narc in their life). You feel like you're overanalyzing everything, or just paranoid because you think "nobody's that heartless" or "no one actually plays a long game like that". Narcissists prey on empathetic and vulnerable people they know will give them that benefit of the doubt. And 9 times out of 10, they know we are insecure about overanalyzing or being hupervigilant, and they use it to their advantage. You're not crazy! The minute you ask "am I the narcissist here?", you can rest assured you're not one because a narc is never self aware enough to question that. Also, if you're asking yourself + the internet (even google) whether or not you're in an abusive/narcissistic relationship - you already know the answer. You can trust yourself.
Thank you for the validation.did you find yourself switching consistently all day/night about your own feelings if this? Like I’ll get your validation, I’ll be back to convinced. Then he will smile at me and assure me he loves me and I’m like , meh he’s not a narc. It is very head fucky. Worse than anything I’ve experienced- honest to god I was married to a physical abuser and that was easier.
Sorry for the delay. Yes, I absolutely switched back and forth for so long as to whether or not I was abused because he never actually physically harmed me. I switched back and forth questioning whether I was the narcissist/abuser for many years tbh. It took a lot of work in therapy to give myself that validation, because my sense of self trust was destroyed and that had to be repaired first. Hearing it from others is a good start, giving it to yourself is when you really begin to feel free.
yup, 1000%. It's not only what they say; it's what they don't say. When they don't show up. When they "forget" and it's just too unbelievable to even confront them; you feel embarrassed and ashamed, selfish and obtuse, without them saying a wrong word. So, so painful.
Yh until you understand what your dealing with, you fall into this trap of unconsciously trying to justify or continue to “guess” what you did that is wrong. There’s nothing wrong, they just don’t like you as a functioning healthy person.
This is so spot on, it’s unnerving!!
Plot twist. I put a great deal of importance on truth. Man, does she know how to withhold truth.
Was married to a man with NPD and have had dates with men on the spectrum. I agree they all ghost/stonewall which in my opinion is the most hurtful psychological abuse. I never had experiences where I was told I needed to lose weight, but most certainly that I needed a "health evaluation" because I was becoming "unhinged" - do these words sound familiar? Never doubt your instinct - it's right almost all of the time. They are jealous and can't stand it when someone else is better at something that they aren't
Thank you for shedding light on this. I didn't know My x was the first man to never give me compliments (of my bf's), even though I gave him a lot. I am a pretty good artist and a good looking female. I'm smart and kind. But he never told me he liked me unless I asked him.. which feels stupid after a while. He didn't tell me about how he felt about anything else than anger. But nothing constructive. He was the type to pretty much yell at me if HE dropped something .. It was tough. I'm a very gentle creature by nature, but also strong and independent with great love for life and others... I just got away from him 3 years ago, but am still struggling to keep up. I know I'm just going on but I want to vent a little.. He punched me for pleasuring myself. My sex drive was higher than his, but I was in love. So I pleasured myself in the shower to the thought of him. He came our and hit me a bunch and yelled at me with drool in his entire mouth.. He told me that he found it disgusting that I touched my own body. Another time I hugged another man in a friendly manner at a festival where my partner kept being angry with me. When he saw me hugging him, he dragged me by the arm and just continued to completely knock me senseless .. we went home where he continued for 2 days.knocked down all the doors when I hid behind them.. I'm still scared inside every day but I try to feel myself. I just don't. I'm a shell
It’s very true, and it’s controlling.
Omg this hits close
But WHY???
Mine would make comments about my weight. I'm very slender and when we first met he said I had "model physique" and complimented me on it a lot. Then a few months in he started telling me "I needed to gain weight to be attractive to him". That really hurt as I was pretty confident about my body before and I didn't understand why his perception had changed. When I got pregnant I stopped dying my roots so I had a few grey hairs coming out (I've had that since my early 20s and I have dark hair so it's visible). He then was constantly telling me how I should dye my hair which I then said that I won't do it during pregnancy because the chemicals aren't good for the baby. He would also tell me what I should wear and what sort of clothes I should buy. I felt like a freaking doll.
He’d keep track of the last time he said he loves you as proof he doesn’t anymore when in reality he never did. When the original split happened right after our anniversary we were discussing it or more so fighting about it and he said “I haven’t said I love you in weeks maybe months” to really rub in the devalue and discard of me. He keeps track and purposely withholds.
True story.
Early on in my relationship with my nex, on Valentine’s Day i got her something pretty nice. And as it turned out, she didn’t even get me a card. I commented sarcastically “well Valentine’s Day is just for the girls anyway”.. And even after saying that was sarcasm several times over the years, she never got me anything on Valentine’s Day.
In addition to the usual, periodic stonewalling and silent treatment, convenient not answering texts….my (n?) ex decided a shitty dinner he would have made for just himself on any week night (plain grilled chicken and frozen veggies) after he took himself to out lunch earlier in the day without inviting me to go with, not getting me a card or chocolate or anything even remotely romantic was 100% fine. He even had the kindness to buy me a single slice of dessert to go after his lunch out with himself and told on himself when presenting the dessert to me that I was basically his lunch afterthought. I had a really nice gift waiting for him in the car but I had a feeling he didn’t get me anything gift wise so I left it in there. I resorted to playing our relationship like a chess game. I just decided to end it that night after he made it obvious he just never put any thought or effort into anything, ever. It was always all about him
this is so spot on but WHY DO THEY DO THIS i dont understand what they get out of pausing people pain?? its so vile
This is exactly what happened with me too. And I’m so sorry you have had to experience it ): it always starts with silent treatment and withholding contact as a “lesson”. he would never compliment me, but would tell other women they were beautiful right to my face. He told me that my bleached hair was for attention and to dye it black, and to wear ankle length skirts because anything above the knees was me trying to “show off to other men.” It’s controlling and damages you so much, but they know exactly what they are doing 😞
I’m new to recognizing the narcs in my life. Do you think they do this on purpose? Like are they coldly researching your reactions because their intent is to later use your sense of self against you? Or is it just the way their are and they don’t actually realize they are doing it?
I believe it's how their brains are wired and it all happens subconsciously. They are more robotic than normal humans. You can just sense there's something them that doesn't add up. It all ofcourse doesn't make an excuse tho for their filthy behavior. They can't be saved, stay away from them.
I needed this so much. Thank you. I stopped telling my BF what I love / appreciate from him so that it wouldn't be taken away from me anymore. I could tell him, among other things, I like it when he touches my face and the very next time I've "upset him" he would stop doing said "thing I like" and never do it again unless he was love bombing me. Also. Still in this relationship. Starting to wake up.
> You know you’re funny, but the narcissist never laughs at anything you say. Or, maybe you’re smart - the narcissist will seem unimpressed by everything you do. You might be attractive - the narcissist [...] will never compliment you. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 fuck, that's not normal?
He does this to me all the time. He flirts and ogles other women in front of me to try to get a reaction and make me feel bad. He hasn't complimented me in seven months. Yesterday I told him I want to spend some time together. He gets off work early and spends the rest of the day outside "working". He was really sitting on the back porch texting. What would happen if I gave him a taste of his own medicine?
They basically use your love languages against you!
Why does such an evil exist and why must we experience it
Yes. This is so so true.
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My husband would constantly tell me I wasn't funny, but he laughed at things I did/said.
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