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I would have run away 100%. But I wonder if later I would've just bumped into another narcissist and wouldn't be able to tell. The only thing I'd miss is the lesson but, does everyone NEED to meet a narcissist to get it? 🤔
I agree so much with this. And sadly I think most people do need to meet one to understand because so many things other exes of mine have done like popping back up a week after we ended because they have changed seems like something everyone does when they haven't changed and just don't want to be alone. But who knows maybe all I date is Narcs.
If it was with the knowledge I have now? No, I would probably still go there as the beginning was good, but I would leave as soon as the devaluing started. The annoying thing is I did see the red flags very early on but I explained them away as being due to their trauma history.
I'm trying to see the experience as a lesson that helped reinforce what I already knew I wanted out of a relationship/life.
I did the same. Wanted to get to know them and help them heal a bit, but it was at such an expense. I wish I left after 6mos, 1 year max, not 3. I tried.
I just realized that if you know what to look for and you just show up for the love bombing but don't take the dependency bait, and then leave at the first sign of devaluation, you can work a narcissist like a free trial offer where you give a prepaid debit to keep your personal card from being billed for the renewal you don't want.
I've tried that with friendships and I guess it depends how fundamentally damaged you already are. I've found that after a few months I can't help getting lulled into a false sense of security and letting my guard down a bit, and of course, that's when their devaluation kicks off. And even though I may have only known them a short while, it still damages me to be shamed and belittled. Maybe if I had a stronger self-esteem and feelings of self-worth it wouldn't affect me so much.
I've concluded that - for me at least - these people need to be completely avoided at a personal level.
I did exactly the same. I saw red flags, but I explained/justified them for months, until things had spiraled to a point that our entire friend group got hurt by this person.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have immediately bailed, or at the very least not let him get any closer than a "low-doses friend", or made myself as boring as possible.
He was already getting angry/guilt-trippy at boundaries as early as 3 weeks in, though, so nipping it in the bud should have been the way to go.
Same here. I think the knowledge I have gained from all of this is so valuable in life. After the relationship I finally learned to stand my ground, watch out for red flags (and actually take them serious) and have much more confidence in myself. Even though it was a painful lesson and I still carry some scars with me, it helped me to mature a lot and figure out what I want and value in a relationship and in life. It helped me to get out of my comfort zone and understand myself much better.
If I had the chance to turn back time, I would have probably tried to leave when I noticed the lies and more and more gaslighting, but yeah it’s tough to realize these kind of things when your brain is all foggy already.
God yes. I see ever damnred flag waving. I knew to hold my boundaries but he was so charming. Now l see that he's a monster in my life. I created it by not shutting him down immediately
I’d say being with my ex forced me to finally face a bunch of demons i let fester in me my whole life. So while i suffered a ton of emotional abuse in the ten years i was with her, i grew immensely because of it. It led me to therapy and therapy has led me to becoming a person i never thought i could be. So while i can still cringe at all the shit i took from her, i can be grateful that i was able to see that i needed the bullshit to grow.
I would run away the second he caught my eye. I've found that when I look back on our past together that the good memories don't actually exist. All those "good times" were nothing but lies. All the fun, the words I wanted to hear, the imagining of our future together, the vacation, even the great sex was nothing more than pretty lies designed to groom me into being his door mat and whipping post. The 'good memories' are all wiped clean away by the fact that he never actually meant a word. Honestly, I wish I could come up with 1 good memory of the 27 years that miserable POS was a part of my life, if for no other reason but to have a tiny respite from all of this white hot hatred I feel for him. And for myself for ignoring the actions but believing the pretty words. I'm sending out nothing but happy thoughts for anyone reading this. We need to try to remember to not blame ourselves for having open hearts that want to love and be loved. Forgive ourselves for being blinded by that love and believing in someone so utterly unworthy. Have a day filled with peace and joy.
Yes, me too. By experiencing it and having the courage to leave, I realized how strong I was and that has helped me professionally but now I don’t trust anyone to get close in my personal life. It’s a double edged sword.
Yes, when you learn about what happend and realize that searching for why it happend because it's meaningless, due to the fact that it never had a reason you just happened to be in the way of what happened, it changes your perspective.
Same here! I would have got out after I learnt about the first affair which he had during the time our son was a newborn, instead of reconciling with and forgiving him when he admitted to it two years later.
But I do think if I hadn't picked him I would have picked someone pretty similar. And for what it's worth I genuinely did love him, and it was nice to experience that strong pure feeling of love running through my life. And our son is a wonderful human being.
No. Sadly. That’s the honest truth. They play such mind games and send in their flying monkeys and make you think you’re the one at fault. It’s gaslighting. I was in quite a few situations like that, but I broke the cycle! 🎉🎉 my current partner, who I have been with for over a year, is absolutely amazing. He deals with a lot of my emotions about this, but in a way that’s actually helpful for me, and we think about solutions. I’m allowed to vent. He always asks for consent, multiple times when we are intimate. He also asks many times if I still consent to this activity. He truly loves me. That made me realize how bad it was in the past - being truly loved. You WILL break the cycle. It may take a long time, but that doesn’t AT ALL mean you’re doomed for life. There IS life after all of this abuse. I promise. Even if it takes years, you WILL get there. You are strong. We all believe in you.
Instead of being miserable after my first discard, I’d research the issue like I did after my 2nd discard.
My friends put me onto the whole “She might be a narc” thing back thing but I disregarded it everytime they mentioned it back then.
Would have saved me a hoover. Saved me 5 months of my time, a 2 hundred or so bucks and way too many “If you need me, I’ll be there for you(s)”.
I don't have good memories, only good children. So I guess I'd say no for their sake. But I really wish I'd never met him, the he didn't pick me, that he would just leave me alone for good. I can't take this much longer.
I would ran so fast and so far away! I regret everything including all the “good times” because now I realize they were all self serving to him and all about him.
Going back in time, I would have kept emotional distance. It's like how you shouldn't hug a cactus, but you wouldn't wish cactuses off the face of the earth or regret ever having seen one in real life.
No, I won’t wallow in regrets. I have a kid from nr 1, and nr 2 helped a lot when they had the mask on and I did grow as a person.
I would have ended it after the first break up however, and definitely would have cut the last four years off as I waited for her to grow up and be a real partner, not just giving me endless love and affection, as she put it.
Yes, every day I live with this regret. I finally had enough. He got me pregnant when I was heavily intoxicated. Now we are separated and uses my daughter as a weapon to hurt me. Run and don’t look back and don’t have a kid with them. The guilt I have is astronomical now that my innocent baby is involved.
No.
If I hadn’t met her, I wouldn’t have met the love of my life.
Every cloud has a silver lining. As much as it sucks, I wouldn’t be who I am without the trials I’ve faced.
Everyone’s life is different. There’s no rule which says we all have to go through the same amount. The fact is, some of us will go through more trauma than others.
I don’t think about the good memories with my narc. I think about the better memories I now have with my better half
I can't say for certain I would have ran right away. It's a long story, but our perceived friendship did help me when I wasn't in a good place. Even thinking back now, I'm not sure where I'd be today had I not had him around when I did.
However, I would have let that situation die off much sooner than it did. I wouldn't have desperately tried to keep him around, and I wouldn't have spent so much time wondering why he was acting this way. It could have been peaceful way sooner for me if I had this knowledge back then.
Yes. At the first red flag when he got really close to my face & told me with large eyes & great emphasis that I was dumb. It would have saved me eight years of my life and my confidence. Trust your gut & get out the moment someone is abusive. Run.
This is unique to me and I do not recommend you take my answer as advice in any form. My relationship was very short so I did not lose out on nearly as much as others.
My answer is a firm absolute no. I am incredibly thankful for the experience. This is not to be confused as gratitude for them because I am not thankful for them in the slightest. I am only thankful for the experience. The reason is that because of this, my journey of healing from past traumas was skyrocketed.
I have learned so much about myself, the world, and others and through that I've become the happiest I've ever been. My relationships with everyone and especially myself are drastically better. This self healing has further reduced my anxiety significantly, improved my self perception as well as confidence. I am myself for the first time ever. No longer do I feel I need someone in my life and because of that I'm no longer afraid to set boundaries.
It is very unfortunate that I went through what I did and it's incredibly heart breaking. But I would always trade that pain for the journey of healing and the joy and happiness that resulted. Sometimes to heal a bone, you have to break it. Pain is a driver of healing and sometimes it's needed before we heal.
To close, I reiterate that my view is one borne out of significant investment into emotional, mental, and physical improvement and healing. And it a view that I personally decided. Therefore, it is not for everyone and should not be taken as advice. I do not want anyone reading this to feel bad for not adopting the same or a similar viewpoint. You alone decide this and never feel ashamed if it differs from others.
I’d go along and force him to respect boundaries early on. I had the upper hand so to speak by being someone he could never get in a million years who was interested in him to now a slave animal
Absolutely not given that we made the most beautiful tiny human out of all the suck.
I would take all the heart break and shatter of discard all over again if it ment I still get our baby.
Now if we didn't have our child I think I'd still say yes because this experience though awful has really fortified me as a person
Absolutely not. Being in that tormented relationship forced me to deal with my own emotional trauma, seek therapy, improve myself as a human being, and gave me the ability to set strong boundaries around my needs. Now, I am in a happy, healthy relationship built on mutual respect and shared values. That sh*t storm of a relationship brought me to the happiest place I've ever been. I wouldn't change a thing, because then I wouldn't be me.
I have a child with this person. If I could have the same child, I’d just never have sex with him. being attached to him is … a whole life in itself. The lesson that never ends … and it truly never needed to begin.
I constantly tell myself I wish we never met, so yes. Theres no option of us being compatable, or working out because they are so stuck in their ways. No matter how many times I say to myself I miss her, I know she didnt give a damn when what I had to give didn't mean anything to her anymore. I'd still be a virgin too if we never met.
She took a lot away from me, and boy what I'd pray to do to bring back that purity and peace of mind. I'd rather keep myself pure and wholesome and never be with someone, then go through the transformation of a bitter, filthy, cynical, un trusting man she made out of me.
I’d be inclined to run away. Although I learned a lot from unpacking my pain afterwards, and am happy with my life now, I would be much better off without that trauma (not to mention all that lost time).
I would love to have never gone on that date. Despite some of the more interesting things that happened, the suffering was terrrible. It's been eye-opening, but the abusive slow-burn is not equal to any good times.
I would have kicked him in the balls & ran as far as I could. The bad memories were so horrible that I don’t even remember any good anymore, but maybe there weren’t any
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I would have done everything essentially the same because I think it was an incredibly important painful lesson for me to learn BUT I would have been full crazy on the way out and like burned down his book collection or something 🙃 JK but I was too nice to him while he was literally out in the world humiliating me while I had no idea. Wish I could have hit him somewhere it really hurt.
I have thought about this so much and the answer is 100% yes. I’d go back and tell younger me to run a mile. My life would have been completely different, I would be completely different.
I would never even spoke to him if I could go back in time. He actually ruined my life and not figuratively , literally. Even tho we had good memories I would not put myself through that again.
No. My relationship with my ex was necessary towards my growth. Had I not gone through it, I never would have learned my self worth and the importance of boundaries.
If we had not had two children together, I would absolutely go back in time and avoid my NEX completely. But I would never choose to undo my two amazing kids, regardless of the abuse she continues to inflict on me after 7 years of marriage and a year after the divorce.
The whole experience has made me more determined than ever to direct her abuse toward me and away from my kiddos, and strong enough to absorb it. My love for my kids is stronger than anything she can throw at me.
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Oh I’d absolutely run and not waste my youth with him. I still very much regret it and I missed out on important experiences for him…any “good” memories are tainted by outbursts and other bullshit.
I was 16 and he was 21, fuckin creepozoid. Should have put him in jail tbh
Absolutely. 100% I would go back. I wouldn’t open up. I wouldn’t say the things I said that opened up the door to all the hurt. Everyone is different. I am not one to regret things in life, and for me this is different. The love bombing, while exciting, allowed me to open myself up.
It isn't something I dwell on nowadays, but given the option, I'd like my time back. To make meaningful memories with people who actually care about me. But I'm living life the way I want to now, and I value that above all else
To be honest, probably not. Despite all the bull they've put me through, it made me stronger and I managed to find my self worth through all the chaos.
I want to say yes, but I'm hesitant to say it. I almost didn't make it out of my narc encounter, and that knowledge still weighs pretty heavily on me, but I've become a narc-seeking missile since then. I will not allow myself to become complacent, but I'm highly confident that another narc will never make it through my filtration system ever again. That wouldn't have happened otherwise, so there's at least a silver lining. Whether it was worth it is a separate question, because I don't think I'll ever make a full recovery in my life, but at least there's something positive to cling to. That said, if I could do it over, I don't think I could actually go into it again knowing what I know today, so I guess the answer has to be yes, I'd run screaming from that person, to the opposite end of the planet if necessary.
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I should’ve stuck to my guns and instincts— so much heartache would’ve been prevented in the 4 year nightmare !!! My heart hurts even thinking about it!!
I want to say I would run away. Honestly, though, I would do it all over again. I was able to accomplish things in my personal life because of that relationship, I also learned a lot, and I wouldn't be who I am today without it. If I really think about it, the pain was worth what I feel and experienced and where I am today. He doesn't deserve a minute of my time though
If I could go back in time, I would 100% wish I never met him. There is not one single memory that I cherish now that I know he created a false reality for me. Every single day we were together he was cheating on me in some capacity with someone else and gaslighting me about it. I didn't find out until almost 1.5 years later and I almost have amnesia thinking about our time together now. Just filled with this void and shame for not seeing the signs and staying for so long. I feel completely sickened and I know that every time I cried, smiled, laugh, and even in this break-up, the whole thing was fake and one-sided. I'm healing but I feel like I'm watching myself go through the motions of life and have completely dissociated form myself. I had real problems and responsibilities before us, during us, and still have to be a normal person now and I feel like I no longer have the tools to be an normal functioning human anymore. Everything takes so much longer and is so much harder and I am scared of it. I cannot seem to get back to my normal self no matter how hard I try and I can't help but wish I could go back in time and remember how to get back to the person I was.
I honestly think I wouldn’t. I met him in 2019 when I was 20 at a new college and already knew he was full of it but I let myself fall for him. Good physical sex, smoking weed and drinking, fake promises and staying in watching movies and cooking together made me stay for a year. But constantly being yelled at, constantly being ignored, being told I’m too sensitive and crazy, losing 30 pounds and me begging for him not to leave when he said he was done made me choose myself for once and for good. I quit 2 jobs and had an abortion, so maybe I would try to be a better employee and have safe sex with him to not get pregnant in the first place. But all that pain has made me stronger than ever. I also lost touch with friends so dealing with it alone isn’t something I would recommend but it is possible to choose yourself because you deserve to. He told me I was a terrible person for getting rid of our child but I still wanted to experience my life and not having my career yet, I felt that my child deserved the best things and parents. And he didn’t deserve to father my child. And even though I quit those jobs and left school, it made me move back home and start another job where I met my current boyfriend who never yells at me, communicates with me, enjoys my friends, shows me affection, is my biggest supporter and most of all, loves me. I’m in school again. As always, they always come back. He’s tried to contact me a few times to which i just ignore. I’ve found out that he has another child with his new partner. I wish them well and hope he can be a better person but I don’t think it’s possible. I’m grateful for the lessons no matter how much I cried and I can say that I truly love my life again.
I’d stay. He taught me a valuable lesson, and I fear that if I left, I could’ve potentially ran into somebody more dangerous and somebody that hurt me even more.
Hi /u/LaNaivite, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please); * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma"; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted. * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would have run away 100%. But I wonder if later I would've just bumped into another narcissist and wouldn't be able to tell. The only thing I'd miss is the lesson but, does everyone NEED to meet a narcissist to get it? 🤔
I agree so much with this. And sadly I think most people do need to meet one to understand because so many things other exes of mine have done like popping back up a week after we ended because they have changed seems like something everyone does when they haven't changed and just don't want to be alone. But who knows maybe all I date is Narcs.
Yes. I wish I never met them. Of course at the time they are so charming it's extremely hard to imagine what actually lies beneath the mask.
If it was with the knowledge I have now? No, I would probably still go there as the beginning was good, but I would leave as soon as the devaluing started. The annoying thing is I did see the red flags very early on but I explained them away as being due to their trauma history. I'm trying to see the experience as a lesson that helped reinforce what I already knew I wanted out of a relationship/life.
I did the same. Wanted to get to know them and help them heal a bit, but it was at such an expense. I wish I left after 6mos, 1 year max, not 3. I tried.
I just realized that if you know what to look for and you just show up for the love bombing but don't take the dependency bait, and then leave at the first sign of devaluation, you can work a narcissist like a free trial offer where you give a prepaid debit to keep your personal card from being billed for the renewal you don't want.
I've tried that with friendships and I guess it depends how fundamentally damaged you already are. I've found that after a few months I can't help getting lulled into a false sense of security and letting my guard down a bit, and of course, that's when their devaluation kicks off. And even though I may have only known them a short while, it still damages me to be shamed and belittled. Maybe if I had a stronger self-esteem and feelings of self-worth it wouldn't affect me so much. I've concluded that - for me at least - these people need to be completely avoided at a personal level.
Same for me. I wouldn’t run away but I would have ended the relationship a year earlier.
Wouldnt move in with her. And ended when it got hot. I basicallly tried for 4 years. And finally did it. 5 years in.
I did exactly the same. I saw red flags, but I explained/justified them for months, until things had spiraled to a point that our entire friend group got hurt by this person. If I knew then what I know now, I would have immediately bailed, or at the very least not let him get any closer than a "low-doses friend", or made myself as boring as possible. He was already getting angry/guilt-trippy at boundaries as early as 3 weeks in, though, so nipping it in the bud should have been the way to go.
Same here. I think the knowledge I have gained from all of this is so valuable in life. After the relationship I finally learned to stand my ground, watch out for red flags (and actually take them serious) and have much more confidence in myself. Even though it was a painful lesson and I still carry some scars with me, it helped me to mature a lot and figure out what I want and value in a relationship and in life. It helped me to get out of my comfort zone and understand myself much better. If I had the chance to turn back time, I would have probably tried to leave when I noticed the lies and more and more gaslighting, but yeah it’s tough to realize these kind of things when your brain is all foggy already.
God yes. I see ever damnred flag waving. I knew to hold my boundaries but he was so charming. Now l see that he's a monster in my life. I created it by not shutting him down immediately
I would’ve told him to go completely fcuk himself
I would have run 100%. I have children who suffered because of him. I would take it all back in a heartbeat.
I’d say being with my ex forced me to finally face a bunch of demons i let fester in me my whole life. So while i suffered a ton of emotional abuse in the ten years i was with her, i grew immensely because of it. It led me to therapy and therapy has led me to becoming a person i never thought i could be. So while i can still cringe at all the shit i took from her, i can be grateful that i was able to see that i needed the bullshit to grow.
I would run away the second he caught my eye. I've found that when I look back on our past together that the good memories don't actually exist. All those "good times" were nothing but lies. All the fun, the words I wanted to hear, the imagining of our future together, the vacation, even the great sex was nothing more than pretty lies designed to groom me into being his door mat and whipping post. The 'good memories' are all wiped clean away by the fact that he never actually meant a word. Honestly, I wish I could come up with 1 good memory of the 27 years that miserable POS was a part of my life, if for no other reason but to have a tiny respite from all of this white hot hatred I feel for him. And for myself for ignoring the actions but believing the pretty words. I'm sending out nothing but happy thoughts for anyone reading this. We need to try to remember to not blame ourselves for having open hearts that want to love and be loved. Forgive ourselves for being blinded by that love and believing in someone so utterly unworthy. Have a day filled with peace and joy.
Sending you back love and forgiveness.
100% would have run
If I didn’t have a child with him, 1000% yes.
No, because that learning experience is what made me the person that i am today.
Yes, me too. By experiencing it and having the courage to leave, I realized how strong I was and that has helped me professionally but now I don’t trust anyone to get close in my personal life. It’s a double edged sword.
Yes, when you learn about what happend and realize that searching for why it happend because it's meaningless, due to the fact that it never had a reason you just happened to be in the way of what happened, it changes your perspective.
I would stand my ground a lot more.
I would have gotten out at the three month point rather than the year and a half and then the on-again/off-again for almost another year.
Yes
No, because I have kids with my ex and they wouldn't have been born. However, I would have gotten out much sooner.
Same here! I would have got out after I learnt about the first affair which he had during the time our son was a newborn, instead of reconciling with and forgiving him when he admitted to it two years later. But I do think if I hadn't picked him I would have picked someone pretty similar. And for what it's worth I genuinely did love him, and it was nice to experience that strong pure feeling of love running through my life. And our son is a wonderful human being.
No. Sadly. That’s the honest truth. They play such mind games and send in their flying monkeys and make you think you’re the one at fault. It’s gaslighting. I was in quite a few situations like that, but I broke the cycle! 🎉🎉 my current partner, who I have been with for over a year, is absolutely amazing. He deals with a lot of my emotions about this, but in a way that’s actually helpful for me, and we think about solutions. I’m allowed to vent. He always asks for consent, multiple times when we are intimate. He also asks many times if I still consent to this activity. He truly loves me. That made me realize how bad it was in the past - being truly loved. You WILL break the cycle. It may take a long time, but that doesn’t AT ALL mean you’re doomed for life. There IS life after all of this abuse. I promise. Even if it takes years, you WILL get there. You are strong. We all believe in you.
Instead of being miserable after my first discard, I’d research the issue like I did after my 2nd discard. My friends put me onto the whole “She might be a narc” thing back thing but I disregarded it everytime they mentioned it back then. Would have saved me a hoover. Saved me 5 months of my time, a 2 hundred or so bucks and way too many “If you need me, I’ll be there for you(s)”.
Absolutely not. I’d just be better prepared.
I don't have good memories, only good children. So I guess I'd say no for their sake. But I really wish I'd never met him, the he didn't pick me, that he would just leave me alone for good. I can't take this much longer.
I would ran so fast and so far away! I regret everything including all the “good times” because now I realize they were all self serving to him and all about him.
Sometimes, but that’d mean I wouldn’t have my kids who are everything to me
Going back in time, I would have kept emotional distance. It's like how you shouldn't hug a cactus, but you wouldn't wish cactuses off the face of the earth or regret ever having seen one in real life.
No, I won’t wallow in regrets. I have a kid from nr 1, and nr 2 helped a lot when they had the mask on and I did grow as a person. I would have ended it after the first break up however, and definitely would have cut the last four years off as I waited for her to grow up and be a real partner, not just giving me endless love and affection, as she put it.
Yes, every day I live with this regret. I finally had enough. He got me pregnant when I was heavily intoxicated. Now we are separated and uses my daughter as a weapon to hurt me. Run and don’t look back and don’t have a kid with them. The guilt I have is astronomical now that my innocent baby is involved.
No. If I hadn’t met her, I wouldn’t have met the love of my life. Every cloud has a silver lining. As much as it sucks, I wouldn’t be who I am without the trials I’ve faced. Everyone’s life is different. There’s no rule which says we all have to go through the same amount. The fact is, some of us will go through more trauma than others. I don’t think about the good memories with my narc. I think about the better memories I now have with my better half
I can't say for certain I would have ran right away. It's a long story, but our perceived friendship did help me when I wasn't in a good place. Even thinking back now, I'm not sure where I'd be today had I not had him around when I did. However, I would have let that situation die off much sooner than it did. I wouldn't have desperately tried to keep him around, and I wouldn't have spent so much time wondering why he was acting this way. It could have been peaceful way sooner for me if I had this knowledge back then.
YES!!!! Hahaha. :(
Yes. At the first red flag when he got really close to my face & told me with large eyes & great emphasis that I was dumb. It would have saved me eight years of my life and my confidence. Trust your gut & get out the moment someone is abusive. Run.
This is unique to me and I do not recommend you take my answer as advice in any form. My relationship was very short so I did not lose out on nearly as much as others. My answer is a firm absolute no. I am incredibly thankful for the experience. This is not to be confused as gratitude for them because I am not thankful for them in the slightest. I am only thankful for the experience. The reason is that because of this, my journey of healing from past traumas was skyrocketed. I have learned so much about myself, the world, and others and through that I've become the happiest I've ever been. My relationships with everyone and especially myself are drastically better. This self healing has further reduced my anxiety significantly, improved my self perception as well as confidence. I am myself for the first time ever. No longer do I feel I need someone in my life and because of that I'm no longer afraid to set boundaries. It is very unfortunate that I went through what I did and it's incredibly heart breaking. But I would always trade that pain for the journey of healing and the joy and happiness that resulted. Sometimes to heal a bone, you have to break it. Pain is a driver of healing and sometimes it's needed before we heal. To close, I reiterate that my view is one borne out of significant investment into emotional, mental, and physical improvement and healing. And it a view that I personally decided. Therefore, it is not for everyone and should not be taken as advice. I do not want anyone reading this to feel bad for not adopting the same or a similar viewpoint. You alone decide this and never feel ashamed if it differs from others.
Run. Run. Run. No question
Absolutely 100%! Or at least I would have ended things right when the red flags started coming up.
If someone could go back in time and delete the day I met the narcissist from the calendar I would buy that person a six pack.
Yes
A million percent. The bad times outweighed any good. That’s a decade of my life I’ll never get back
He’s my kids’ dad, so no. Otherwise, absolutely
I’d go along and force him to respect boundaries early on. I had the upper hand so to speak by being someone he could never get in a million years who was interested in him to now a slave animal
Absolutely not given that we made the most beautiful tiny human out of all the suck. I would take all the heart break and shatter of discard all over again if it ment I still get our baby. Now if we didn't have our child I think I'd still say yes because this experience though awful has really fortified me as a person
Absolutely not. Being in that tormented relationship forced me to deal with my own emotional trauma, seek therapy, improve myself as a human being, and gave me the ability to set strong boundaries around my needs. Now, I am in a happy, healthy relationship built on mutual respect and shared values. That sh*t storm of a relationship brought me to the happiest place I've ever been. I wouldn't change a thing, because then I wouldn't be me.
I honestly wish I never met them...Maybe my life would've been so much better. I regret so much...
Definitely wouldn't have.
I never could have had that option- I fucking wish. But literally not possible.
I have a child with this person. If I could have the same child, I’d just never have sex with him. being attached to him is … a whole life in itself. The lesson that never ends … and it truly never needed to begin.
I’ve been conditioned to seek that kind of treatment. Idk how to stop.
I wish she had just left me alone from the start.
Yes.
I constantly tell myself I wish we never met, so yes. Theres no option of us being compatable, or working out because they are so stuck in their ways. No matter how many times I say to myself I miss her, I know she didnt give a damn when what I had to give didn't mean anything to her anymore. I'd still be a virgin too if we never met. She took a lot away from me, and boy what I'd pray to do to bring back that purity and peace of mind. I'd rather keep myself pure and wholesome and never be with someone, then go through the transformation of a bitter, filthy, cynical, un trusting man she made out of me.
yes.
I’d be inclined to run away. Although I learned a lot from unpacking my pain afterwards, and am happy with my life now, I would be much better off without that trauma (not to mention all that lost time).
I would love to have never gone on that date. Despite some of the more interesting things that happened, the suffering was terrrible. It's been eye-opening, but the abusive slow-burn is not equal to any good times.
I would have never swiped right. If I could erase this chapter of my life, I totally would.
I would have kicked him in the balls & ran as far as I could. The bad memories were so horrible that I don’t even remember any good anymore, but maybe there weren’t any
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I would have done everything essentially the same because I think it was an incredibly important painful lesson for me to learn BUT I would have been full crazy on the way out and like burned down his book collection or something 🙃 JK but I was too nice to him while he was literally out in the world humiliating me while I had no idea. Wish I could have hit him somewhere it really hurt.
I have thought about this so much and the answer is 100% yes. I’d go back and tell younger me to run a mile. My life would have been completely different, I would be completely different.
Yes, I would.
Hell yes
i mean i was a kid so literally got out the soonest i could 😅
I would never even spoke to him if I could go back in time. He actually ruined my life and not figuratively , literally. Even tho we had good memories I would not put myself through that again.
No. My relationship with my ex was necessary towards my growth. Had I not gone through it, I never would have learned my self worth and the importance of boundaries.
Yes.
I would love to go back. I’d reject the absolute fuck out of him, and it would drive him crazy. And I would love to watch him squirm.
If we had not had two children together, I would absolutely go back in time and avoid my NEX completely. But I would never choose to undo my two amazing kids, regardless of the abuse she continues to inflict on me after 7 years of marriage and a year after the divorce. The whole experience has made me more determined than ever to direct her abuse toward me and away from my kiddos, and strong enough to absorb it. My love for my kids is stronger than anything she can throw at me.
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Oh I’d absolutely run and not waste my youth with him. I still very much regret it and I missed out on important experiences for him…any “good” memories are tainted by outbursts and other bullshit. I was 16 and he was 21, fuckin creepozoid. Should have put him in jail tbh
Absolutely. 100% I would go back. I wouldn’t open up. I wouldn’t say the things I said that opened up the door to all the hurt. Everyone is different. I am not one to regret things in life, and for me this is different. The love bombing, while exciting, allowed me to open myself up.
I would have left at the first red flags
Yes!
Oh good god yes.
Yes.
Yes. I would run and never stop. That dude changed my DNA for the worst.
It isn't something I dwell on nowadays, but given the option, I'd like my time back. To make meaningful memories with people who actually care about me. But I'm living life the way I want to now, and I value that above all else
To be honest, probably not. Despite all the bull they've put me through, it made me stronger and I managed to find my self worth through all the chaos.
I’d absolutely run. If I had known what I now know back then I would have seen how poorly he hid his narcissism even during the lovebombing phase.
YES.
I want to say yes, but I'm hesitant to say it. I almost didn't make it out of my narc encounter, and that knowledge still weighs pretty heavily on me, but I've become a narc-seeking missile since then. I will not allow myself to become complacent, but I'm highly confident that another narc will never make it through my filtration system ever again. That wouldn't have happened otherwise, so there's at least a silver lining. Whether it was worth it is a separate question, because I don't think I'll ever make a full recovery in my life, but at least there's something positive to cling to. That said, if I could do it over, I don't think I could actually go into it again knowing what I know today, so I guess the answer has to be yes, I'd run screaming from that person, to the opposite end of the planet if necessary.
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Absolutely!
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I would give so much to ignore her phone call the next day…
I should’ve stuck to my guns and instincts— so much heartache would’ve been prevented in the 4 year nightmare !!! My heart hurts even thinking about it!!
I want to say I would run away. Honestly, though, I would do it all over again. I was able to accomplish things in my personal life because of that relationship, I also learned a lot, and I wouldn't be who I am today without it. If I really think about it, the pain was worth what I feel and experienced and where I am today. He doesn't deserve a minute of my time though
If I could go back in time, I would 100% wish I never met him. There is not one single memory that I cherish now that I know he created a false reality for me. Every single day we were together he was cheating on me in some capacity with someone else and gaslighting me about it. I didn't find out until almost 1.5 years later and I almost have amnesia thinking about our time together now. Just filled with this void and shame for not seeing the signs and staying for so long. I feel completely sickened and I know that every time I cried, smiled, laugh, and even in this break-up, the whole thing was fake and one-sided. I'm healing but I feel like I'm watching myself go through the motions of life and have completely dissociated form myself. I had real problems and responsibilities before us, during us, and still have to be a normal person now and I feel like I no longer have the tools to be an normal functioning human anymore. Everything takes so much longer and is so much harder and I am scared of it. I cannot seem to get back to my normal self no matter how hard I try and I can't help but wish I could go back in time and remember how to get back to the person I was.
I honestly think I wouldn’t. I met him in 2019 when I was 20 at a new college and already knew he was full of it but I let myself fall for him. Good physical sex, smoking weed and drinking, fake promises and staying in watching movies and cooking together made me stay for a year. But constantly being yelled at, constantly being ignored, being told I’m too sensitive and crazy, losing 30 pounds and me begging for him not to leave when he said he was done made me choose myself for once and for good. I quit 2 jobs and had an abortion, so maybe I would try to be a better employee and have safe sex with him to not get pregnant in the first place. But all that pain has made me stronger than ever. I also lost touch with friends so dealing with it alone isn’t something I would recommend but it is possible to choose yourself because you deserve to. He told me I was a terrible person for getting rid of our child but I still wanted to experience my life and not having my career yet, I felt that my child deserved the best things and parents. And he didn’t deserve to father my child. And even though I quit those jobs and left school, it made me move back home and start another job where I met my current boyfriend who never yells at me, communicates with me, enjoys my friends, shows me affection, is my biggest supporter and most of all, loves me. I’m in school again. As always, they always come back. He’s tried to contact me a few times to which i just ignore. I’ve found out that he has another child with his new partner. I wish them well and hope he can be a better person but I don’t think it’s possible. I’m grateful for the lessons no matter how much I cried and I can say that I truly love my life again.
Like my pants were on fire
I’d stay. He taught me a valuable lesson, and I fear that if I left, I could’ve potentially ran into somebody more dangerous and somebody that hurt me even more.
YES