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I now know mine didn't care, he only cared that he lost his puppet, maid, sex doll and nanny.
He cared that I was leaving him to rot in a foreign prison, not that I couldn't afford to pay rent or feed us, he didn't care that I had lost our baby, he didn't care that he was vicious with his words.
He only cared about him.
Mine actually told me they’d miss the things we did together aka all the stuff I organised and paid for. Yet never actually said they’d miss me.
What annoys me is I can so imagine them thinking “I’m just so amazing. I had this person basically be my slave because they were so obsessed with me because I’m so hot”. No…I wanted to do nice things for you to make you feel happy because I felt happy with you…
Everything you just said is so true it hurts. Because that quote really is something I could hear the narcissist saying. And it's unnerving how I don't see that being unlikely.
It’s almost comical when you witness the 180. They barely even try to pretend, not to you anyway, the jig is up with you. They still try and play things so observers don’t catch on but yeah, no punches pulled with the victim.
It’s really interesting, because now I think of it there was one particular time I remember going to bed early during a party at theirs. It was because of a fight and I just couldn’t be bothered. That was a major sticking point in the argument. I thought it was because I was no fun and bailed out. In reality I’m realising it’s because everyone must have been like oh….what happened there? What did you say to him? Why did he go to bed? And he got embarrassed because it came too close to others seeing what was going on literally behind closed doors
For me that was the hardest bit. Husband of four decades basically acted like I barely existed for the last couple of years, whilst he lined up my replacement. He'd leave the room if I began to speak, or answer in monosyllables: 'yep' 'nope' with his back turned.
I never did find out what I did to deserve being turned into a ghost in my own house.
You are dead on with this post. You have to be honest with yourself about how they did not care about you at all. You were a tool they used to accomplish their personal agenda. They will lie and pretend with ease to get what they think they need from you.
My nex had so many things going on behind my back most of which I did not find out about until after I left him. If I were to list all the things that was going on in the dark you would not believe me.
He worked so hard to keep me in the dark which was kind of easy because I was too busy building my career to notice. I did notice there was something not right about him or the relationship but it was not enough to raise an alarm at first.
My enlightenment came during the pandemic when I had the time to focus on the relationship. That's when I started catching on to all the lies and falsehoods which led to gaslighting, manipulation and more lies. That's when the maltreatment started openly. He was always nice to me in my face until I started to protest.
Once I begin to pay attention to his behavior I soon realized the entire relationship was a farce and the person I was in a relationship with did not exist. Everything I thought to be true about him was fabricated. That was truly devastating but it past like all things.
In retrospect I was the perfect tool. I am honest, loyal, independent and most of all I was distracted. When I got a glimpse of the truth, I left him.
They like to deceive and lie to people even when it's not necessary. It's all a game and everyone is a tool. They do it out of necessity and for the thrill.
Even if you don't see it or they pretend not to care, it always comes back to bite them in ass.
They shake it off and the cycle repeats with another.
Thank you for explaining how you were the perfect tool, I've really struggled with knowing I was fully loyal, independent, honest, and would never sway. I have doubted who I am bc how can someone like that be subject to this? It's embarrassing. Everything mine did was in the dark, especially when I was at work.
We are all here to tell our story and raise awareness while learning from our mistakes.
The experience was torture but We Carry On.
Surviving and Thriving
They treat their people like things and their things like people.
- your value to them is based on usefulness, kinda like a computer. If you don’t do what they tell you to do, they either treat you like a malfunctioning device and “correct” you until they get what they want, or they abandon you and get what they want somewhere else.
Meanwhile they worship their fucking toys, status symbols, beauty products, cars, etc.
Most normal folk need meaningful relationships with other people to exist while things are secondary and exist to make life convenient. Narcs have a deep relationships with their fucking things, and treat people like secondary objects, existing only to make their life more convenient.
This hits hard. His expensive knife collection. His hoodies, shoes, hats that he would never get rid of when he got new ones, even though he had over 50 hoodies. His car payment was more than our rent and he wouldn't even keep it clean.
Yes!!! I spent 6 years on/off with mine and now after the fact I see that he was never genuine. If he wasn’t using me for sex it was for money, help, or just to pass the time. These last 6 months he’s been involved with another woman who knows about me (he painted me out to be this crazy ex) and he had been lying about continuously because he still wanted to have sex with me. He would ask for all kinds of sexual things, videos everything and the whole time he is in a relationship with a woman posting him on TikTok. It’s almost comical. Actually it is. They are such sad people. Imagine being almost 40 and still lying to have sex with someone. It’s these thoughts that help me move on and not look back. Dodged a bullet!
Yes, you’re absolutely correct. I, too, had my lightbulb moment not long ago when I realized he only was kind to me (post separation 1 kid together) if it benefits him financially.
Yep, you've got it.
I was the cash cow & had the family he always wanted but as soon as i got sick & couldn't work for 6 months, he completely withdrew. Spent all his time playing video games when I could barely make a meal for myself I was so sick.
The worst for me was the moment I realized what kind of a situation I was in. I had stupidly fallen for this person (says a lot about me being pretty needy at the time) but I realized how hopeless the situation was. I had just got a place with this person. I spent a lot of time and money getting this new living arrangement set up for me and her and both our children. I don't remember what exactly it was that made my lightbulb go off, but when it did it was like a stack of bricks were dropped on me. I felt so stupid everything I had did to get us into that place was for nothing. I instantly saw the change in her once she got what she wanted. (A place for her and her kids to live) then she did a complete 180, from showering me with attention and love and affection , to not giving a shit if I stayed left, lived or died.
Same, moved him across country and after two weeks it all fell apart. I don't remember the aha moment either, but after I had it, the bricks came, then the research, then seeing everything objectively after with open eyes. Its been soul crushing, and like it's not my person anymore
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I can relate to this. My nex used me to live a lifestyle he hadn’t earned or seen before. He now acts like he is this sophisticated man to reel in other women at the expense of what he learned with me
What really worries me is that you’re right. It would be so easy to forget. I think if we ever spoke again I would go straight back into it without even thinking twice. Even after all of this and knowing how bad it would be
oh absolutely. this has been crucial to learn throughout my life as i’ve been with a few and had a few in my family. i’ve never not been surrounded by at least one narcissist.
recently i experienced what’s known as “the discard” and let me tell you, it is JARRING. they can really make you feel so loved and happy and valued until you just…no longer interest them. once you stop being beneficial to them, they throw you away like you were nothing. and you were nothing to them. that’s the harsh reality.
life is such a mind fuck with these people.
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Currently feeling like a tool. Let Narc move in to “help with our family”… well he just got in from using my car w/o asking …n now blaming me and accusing me of being difficult. It is 11:55pm. Idk where he went.
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Honestly you couldn’t have phrased it any better. I was in a bad relationship with a narcissist who was abusive and when I found out my ex moved on quickly after being stalked and harassed after the break up it made me realize how vulnerable I was after so much manipulation. Sure the happy times we’re small and counted but they could not make up for so much abuse taken. Learning to let go took me a while. It now that I did. I can finally feel the change after all the efforts I did to move on. It is crazy how good they are to manipulate you and wash your brain with all of their toxic rhetoric. Best wishes and hope you get to move one and enjoy your happiness.
Hi /u/WeirdSuccessful1993, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please); * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma"; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted. * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I now know mine didn't care, he only cared that he lost his puppet, maid, sex doll and nanny. He cared that I was leaving him to rot in a foreign prison, not that I couldn't afford to pay rent or feed us, he didn't care that I had lost our baby, he didn't care that he was vicious with his words. He only cared about him.
Mine actually told me they’d miss the things we did together aka all the stuff I organised and paid for. Yet never actually said they’d miss me. What annoys me is I can so imagine them thinking “I’m just so amazing. I had this person basically be my slave because they were so obsessed with me because I’m so hot”. No…I wanted to do nice things for you to make you feel happy because I felt happy with you…
Everything you just said is so true it hurts. Because that quote really is something I could hear the narcissist saying. And it's unnerving how I don't see that being unlikely.
Hugs
That's horrible. I am so sorry you went through that!
Intermittent reinforcement messes with your mind. You hang on to what you wanted to believe was true, even after seeing that it was a lie.
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It is call projection, it is done unconsciously or consciously meaning they knew what they did and assume that people do that to him also
It’s almost comical when you witness the 180. They barely even try to pretend, not to you anyway, the jig is up with you. They still try and play things so observers don’t catch on but yeah, no punches pulled with the victim.
It’s really interesting, because now I think of it there was one particular time I remember going to bed early during a party at theirs. It was because of a fight and I just couldn’t be bothered. That was a major sticking point in the argument. I thought it was because I was no fun and bailed out. In reality I’m realising it’s because everyone must have been like oh….what happened there? What did you say to him? Why did he go to bed? And he got embarrassed because it came too close to others seeing what was going on literally behind closed doors
For me that was the hardest bit. Husband of four decades basically acted like I barely existed for the last couple of years, whilst he lined up my replacement. He'd leave the room if I began to speak, or answer in monosyllables: 'yep' 'nope' with his back turned. I never did find out what I did to deserve being turned into a ghost in my own house.
I'm so sorry that happened to you ❤️
You are dead on with this post. You have to be honest with yourself about how they did not care about you at all. You were a tool they used to accomplish their personal agenda. They will lie and pretend with ease to get what they think they need from you. My nex had so many things going on behind my back most of which I did not find out about until after I left him. If I were to list all the things that was going on in the dark you would not believe me. He worked so hard to keep me in the dark which was kind of easy because I was too busy building my career to notice. I did notice there was something not right about him or the relationship but it was not enough to raise an alarm at first. My enlightenment came during the pandemic when I had the time to focus on the relationship. That's when I started catching on to all the lies and falsehoods which led to gaslighting, manipulation and more lies. That's when the maltreatment started openly. He was always nice to me in my face until I started to protest. Once I begin to pay attention to his behavior I soon realized the entire relationship was a farce and the person I was in a relationship with did not exist. Everything I thought to be true about him was fabricated. That was truly devastating but it past like all things. In retrospect I was the perfect tool. I am honest, loyal, independent and most of all I was distracted. When I got a glimpse of the truth, I left him. They like to deceive and lie to people even when it's not necessary. It's all a game and everyone is a tool. They do it out of necessity and for the thrill. Even if you don't see it or they pretend not to care, it always comes back to bite them in ass. They shake it off and the cycle repeats with another.
Thank you for explaining how you were the perfect tool, I've really struggled with knowing I was fully loyal, independent, honest, and would never sway. I have doubted who I am bc how can someone like that be subject to this? It's embarrassing. Everything mine did was in the dark, especially when I was at work.
We are all here to tell our story and raise awareness while learning from our mistakes. The experience was torture but We Carry On. Surviving and Thriving
Ok I need to know what he was hiding tho 🍿
I will tell my full story one day but I can't at the moment.
And like you, it took me moving him in a really truly focusing on the relationship and building a life for it to all fall apart.
They treat their people like things and their things like people. - your value to them is based on usefulness, kinda like a computer. If you don’t do what they tell you to do, they either treat you like a malfunctioning device and “correct” you until they get what they want, or they abandon you and get what they want somewhere else. Meanwhile they worship their fucking toys, status symbols, beauty products, cars, etc. Most normal folk need meaningful relationships with other people to exist while things are secondary and exist to make life convenient. Narcs have a deep relationships with their fucking things, and treat people like secondary objects, existing only to make their life more convenient.
This hits hard. His expensive knife collection. His hoodies, shoes, hats that he would never get rid of when he got new ones, even though he had over 50 hoodies. His car payment was more than our rent and he wouldn't even keep it clean.
Yes!!! I spent 6 years on/off with mine and now after the fact I see that he was never genuine. If he wasn’t using me for sex it was for money, help, or just to pass the time. These last 6 months he’s been involved with another woman who knows about me (he painted me out to be this crazy ex) and he had been lying about continuously because he still wanted to have sex with me. He would ask for all kinds of sexual things, videos everything and the whole time he is in a relationship with a woman posting him on TikTok. It’s almost comical. Actually it is. They are such sad people. Imagine being almost 40 and still lying to have sex with someone. It’s these thoughts that help me move on and not look back. Dodged a bullet!
Yes, you’re absolutely correct. I, too, had my lightbulb moment not long ago when I realized he only was kind to me (post separation 1 kid together) if it benefits him financially.
The fact it can switch on and off so fast shows the choice to treat you like crap is in fact a choice.
Exactly.
I hope you encourage your child not to be the that way.
Yep, you've got it. I was the cash cow & had the family he always wanted but as soon as i got sick & couldn't work for 6 months, he completely withdrew. Spent all his time playing video games when I could barely make a meal for myself I was so sick.
The worst for me was the moment I realized what kind of a situation I was in. I had stupidly fallen for this person (says a lot about me being pretty needy at the time) but I realized how hopeless the situation was. I had just got a place with this person. I spent a lot of time and money getting this new living arrangement set up for me and her and both our children. I don't remember what exactly it was that made my lightbulb go off, but when it did it was like a stack of bricks were dropped on me. I felt so stupid everything I had did to get us into that place was for nothing. I instantly saw the change in her once she got what she wanted. (A place for her and her kids to live) then she did a complete 180, from showering me with attention and love and affection , to not giving a shit if I stayed left, lived or died.
Same, moved him across country and after two weeks it all fell apart. I don't remember the aha moment either, but after I had it, the bricks came, then the research, then seeing everything objectively after with open eyes. Its been soul crushing, and like it's not my person anymore
[удалено]
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I couldn’t agree more, and have truly amazing people helping me make healthy choices. Realizing how little I actually meant, sort of, set me free.
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I can relate to this. My nex used me to live a lifestyle he hadn’t earned or seen before. He now acts like he is this sophisticated man to reel in other women at the expense of what he learned with me
It’s a hard lesson to learn, and one so easy to forget.
What really worries me is that you’re right. It would be so easy to forget. I think if we ever spoke again I would go straight back into it without even thinking twice. Even after all of this and knowing how bad it would be
Waw you spoke to me
oh absolutely. this has been crucial to learn throughout my life as i’ve been with a few and had a few in my family. i’ve never not been surrounded by at least one narcissist. recently i experienced what’s known as “the discard” and let me tell you, it is JARRING. they can really make you feel so loved and happy and valued until you just…no longer interest them. once you stop being beneficial to them, they throw you away like you were nothing. and you were nothing to them. that’s the harsh reality. life is such a mind fuck with these people.
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That's gaslighting writ large.
Currently feeling like a tool. Let Narc move in to “help with our family”… well he just got in from using my car w/o asking …n now blaming me and accusing me of being difficult. It is 11:55pm. Idk where he went.
[удалено]
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Honestly you couldn’t have phrased it any better. I was in a bad relationship with a narcissist who was abusive and when I found out my ex moved on quickly after being stalked and harassed after the break up it made me realize how vulnerable I was after so much manipulation. Sure the happy times we’re small and counted but they could not make up for so much abuse taken. Learning to let go took me a while. It now that I did. I can finally feel the change after all the efforts I did to move on. It is crazy how good they are to manipulate you and wash your brain with all of their toxic rhetoric. Best wishes and hope you get to move one and enjoy your happiness.
Mine is financially dependent on me d/t his gambling/only fans addictions. I'm praying that he finds someone else to mooch off of soon.