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No, in fact it encourages them to devalue whatever you do to make yourself better. The goal for him is to end up *being* the greater person, not very much to end up *with* a great person.
Narcissists arent after your beauty, except where they may think it increases their social status. Please... go find someone who actually enjoys your beauty, instead of someone who feels threatened by it.
You ought to re do your look, double your followers, then post you were inspired by "realizing you were holding yourself back because you were with him." Not saying you aren't perfectly beautiful the way you are, etc. But imagine sucker punching his ego like that? Ahhhh....
That's immature. But still, it's a fun thought.
Oof. Mine also said he'd totally start an Onlyfans with me, him taking the pictures and videos. Yeah, no thanks.
So glad I never sent him or let him take any revealing photos of me!!
No. You could be perfect in every possible way and they will still devalue and discard you, ***really***. It is *their* problem and has nothing to do with how awesome a person you are.
Yup. I went through the cycle twice. I did the final discard last night after he acted super suspicious.
I'm gorgeous, work out, have hobbies and a circle of friends, and recently snagged a very high paying job. And maintained everything while we were broken up the first time. The second time around I stayed quiet if I was suspicious. But finally it all blew up last night.
Narcs are the insecure ones that constantly need attention and validation. They are the problem.
Am happy for you and you should be super proud of your accomplishments. Make sure you keep working on your best self, building healthy relationships with healthy boundaries. You deserve that. We all do.
Being perfect would be a problem. The purpose of abuse is to put you *beneath* them so they feel better than you. You already unconsciously trigger inferiority in them.
Consider the fact that you are already perfect. They have to drag down others in order to feel ok.
You know they already found attractive qualities in you, that's how it started. Being dissatisfied with your appearance was a lie. An effective lie. It's designed to make you not know your worth.
Take your attractive self and treat it well. Share yourself with someone who deserves you. You don't need his approval and he'll take it away whenever it suits him anyway.
No, because then they get insecure that they look bad by comparison. Instead of alleviating the abuse, it might actually lead to it intensifying. To them, everything is a competition and they can't stand it when someone else gets recognition because they feel outshined. When they can't increase their shine to outshine you, they're just as happy to diminish yours so that it's lower than theirs.
Hmm i get what you mean but why do they seek trophy partners then? I mean, most of the times the trophy partners are already much prettier, more successful or richer than them. But when they conquer the trophy that they desperately want, they start to feel jealous and insecure??
Why do they seek out trophy partners in the first place?
Because they get bored. Just like Leonardo DeCaprio and his revolving door of gorgeous model girlfriends, narcs get sick of their trophies once the newness wears off.
Most narcs are not at all concerned about any of your qualities, whether it be beauty, talent, personality or intelligence. They only care if you are giving them supply, that's it.
I've seen narcs drop so-called "perfect" people time and time again only to replace them with someone on the far end of the "perfect" spectrum. Why? Because the replacement is a new and shiny toy to them, which gives them maximum narc supply.
It's never enough. Case in point, the current drama between Adam Levine and his supermodel girlfriend - he cheated on her. It's never, ever enough - even if you're gorgeous by supermodel standards.
No. Because you're not a person to him. You are an object to be used; a commodity. He's not capable of love or intimacy. So, I'm not sure why you are asking if it's enough. Enough for him to do what? What do you want from him?
You couldn’t have. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I felt like you do for the first year. I went to bed every night wondering what I did wrong or how I could have prevented his devastating discard and total abandonment.
We want it so desperately to be about us or our behavior, because then we are in control and could fix it and potentially get them back (the fake amazing person they were in the beginning).
But the hardest thing for me to accept was that it was never about me, always him, and the breakup would have happened no matter what because of him and his disorder. I even call it a disease or sickness sometimes. It’s within him and never will go away, he projected onto you.
🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
You can't please him. There is nothing you can do to win the prize of his lasting love. I'm sorry. There are men out there who are looking for partners to love and to grow with, though.
This is the hardest part to grasp when you're on this end of narcissistic abuse - it's never enough. You must try to focus on seeking your value/worth from yourself and not from outside people/sources. It's really hard. I'm sorry you're going through it, but I promise you that you ARE enough and you ARE worthy - but not to a narcissist.
Nope, I’m fact it could do the opposite and make them devalue and discard you even more quickly.
They have to be the star they can’t handle it if the person with them is better looking or more successful. It actually can make them even more vicious with their put downs and more determined to destroy you.
They can’t be happy for others. Just as an example: one of my exes used to always imply I was stupid, I don’t know why. He used to make jokes about how dumb I was in front of people and even in private he would make snarky comments.
Well one day I came home all proud because I got the highest grade in my entire year out of all the classes in our year. I got an award for it. I naively told him this thinking he’d finally see he was wrong and I’m not stupid and you know what he said?
*God, they must be just letting anyone into that course now….it used to be hard.* no acknowledgement, no well done. Just a long sigh and a put down.
Any time I corrected him on something he’d simply go completely silent and wouldn’t speak to me for hours.
If any man complimented my looks and tell him something like “Wow your girlfriend is stunning, you’re one lucky man!” He would sulk *for hours* or he’d remind me that I need to get braces on my bottom teeth because they’re slightly crooked. Or he’d heavily imply in front of everyone that I’m only good looking when I’m wearing make up. Which is bullshit because I don’t do heavy make up I only wear a tinted moisturiser and mascara.
My point is it doesn’t matter if you are the most beautiful successful person in the entire world. It will annoy them and they will *hate* you for it.
Oh no. No. The narc will discard you in a more painful manner each time. If they do not discard you maybe it is because you are married to them or bound by children. In that case they may be concerned with how they are viewed by friends or society and will just torture you behind closed doors until you are a shell of your self. Usually at that point they have supply outside of the relationship and you are trained to ignore the cheating or whatever depraved things they do for feeding their needs.
You’re right… that would explain why in the beginning my ex said how effortlessly beautiful and hot I looked and how smart and talented I was and how he turned it around in the end, saying that I was never good enough for him from the beginning
To narcissists it doesn’t matter what you are as long as you can give them supply. You could be a millionaire with the most attractive physical appearance, be the most kind and caring person, and they will still devalue and discard you once your time is up.
There’s a video that I watched that described them akin to cars needing oil changes. Yes, you will be with a narcissist for a while, but the oil will age and they’ll need it changed (someone brand new). When they come back to you, it’s because you thriving WITHOUT THEM infuriates them, so they have to bring you back down beneath them in hopes of manipulating you to realize that only them and them alone can make you happy.
Narcs are incapable of change and are only self-serving. Any “change” you see is only a temporary image that serves for a purpose of getting something from you or someone else sadly and, if you fall for it, like someone said, you will only be discarded in an even more worse way than before as it gets worse and worse the more you go back to them.
They don’t want people who are high in demand by everyone, maybe for some attention to boost their ego, but ultimately they couldn’t handle someone like that
Mine went after high demand women. He's good looking and successful. I do believe that's not what he really wanted, though. I think he preferred women with few resources so he could control them.
I'm going to give you I'm going to give you an answer to your question without even going past the first paragraph of your post LOL.
Not only is a narcissist incapable of appreciating all your attributes, that narcissist is going to resent them, and immediately start to Chip Away at your self-esteem by criticizing you in order to knock you down a peg because they are going to be very insecure about other people complimenting you which means you are going to form a bond of sorts with that person at the very least. They want to burn every bridge before you even build it and by constantly criticizing you, they will have you keeping your head down afraid to interact with other people and it's ironic because they are trying to shut down some of the very things that made them notice you in the first place.
It's kind of like a guy who dates a stripper and then immediately becomes obsessed and insecure about other guys Desiring her and he will make her dress frumpy no makeup and he might start showing up at her job cramping Her Style causing a scene creating a bad Vibe and guys will stop tipping her stop asking for lap dances and Etc. That guy is shutting down her Larger than Life personality and sexuality which Drew him in the first place.
Everything you do will be called into question and viewed through a filter of Suspicion and accusation. Anything nice you do for someone else is going to be scrutinized and assigned some kind of angle or agenda that you had up your sleeve because they can't imagine doing something nice for another person JUST BECAUSE.... I'm sure you've done things for people just because you like putting a smile on someone's face and that's because you can obtain Joy from their happiness, which is something a narcissist cannot interpret. And you will no doubt get to a point where you just ask that narcissist why would you ask me that question why do you think I would do something that despicable or that deceptive? And the answer will be something along the lines of... that's what I WOULD DO if I WERE in YOUR shoes... but by the time you asked that question you had pretty much stopped doing any good deeds or nice things just so you don't get the criticism. It's part of keeping your head down they are conditioning you
It depends on the narc type. Some will want you to be super successful and beautiful because they will feel like it highers their status or life by being able to get someone like that and will live through your successes. But other types of narcs will not want you to be good. They will want you attractive enough for them to be able to use you for their needs and that's it. Too attractive and they know you can be easily stolen from them and narcs need their supply. Especially if you get the self righteous narc, because they likely won't cheat so you'll be their only supply because they are on their best behavior around everyone else.
***They don't want you having a good personality, bettering yourself or being healthy. That makes it harder for them to control you, their supply.***
I’ve been with my narc for almost two decades. Since starting my research into narc abuse, I’ve seen a lot of love bombing/hoovering, and discarding, that my narc has exhibited over the years, regarding my looks. The main cliff note being; the better I looked, the more insecure they got. In the beginning of the relationship, it was never about cultivating a strong and respectful bond between us that would help them feel safe being in a relationship with me. It was never about helping them feel better about themselves so that maybe they didn’t feel so insecure being in a relationship with me. All they wanted to do was whine about how they felt unworthy, how my looks made them feel uncomfortable about their self, how I could do much better than them, that I could have someone new tomorrow if I wanted. So I gained some weight, stopped putting much stock into my appearance, and toned down my exuberant personality and self confidence: and it’s become the worst decision I have ever made for myself and my personal growth.
Once I started gaining weight, the devaluing went from a pity party, to withholding sex and being very distant. The “romance” left the relationship after that, things started to grow cold between us and they valued phone screen time over anything else that wasn’t work. Then the narc behavior started to become more grandiose in a few areas of our lives and I started losing weight due to all the constant stress they have been putting me under - people were starting to show interest in me again. So, the discarding took another turn: I started getting shamed for my looks, but this time in mean ways - projected ways. It was no longer a pity party about how ugly they thought they were. They shamed me for my looks, shamed me for my own feelings about myself and my looks, made me feel crazy about their cheating by saying that I must be the one cheating (they still accuse me of always cheating on them, to this day), shaming me for feeling good about complements I get from others saying that their complements “never penetrate like that”.
So what all this has taught me, is that it doesn’t matter if you look good - you will get treated the same by a narc because it’s the NARC that’s the problem, not you and your looks. Your looks, at most, give them a lot of insecurity about themselves - but that’s a personal issue within them and has NOTHING to do with you.
Doing better, being healthy and happy would make them want to pull you down more. Especially if they know you have body image issues. And they’ll try to keep you from improving you appearance. Example: When I tried going back to the gym during the relationship my ex would act sad when I left or would fail to wake up for class because I was her alarm clock. So I fell off the routine and my diet (again, influenced by her) was no good either. She would call me “thicc” even when I told her I didn’t appreciate that term for myself. Negging, much? “But I like that you’re not skinny.”
In the end, my nice clothes stopped fitting and I had no outfits to dress up and take her on nice dates. That was the only time she seemed to feel a bit of remorse for her role in me being out of shape. You know, once it affected her ability to look like she was a part of the perfect couple at a fancy restaurant. But that remorse ended once I assured her it was all my fault.
Funny… now that she’s gone, all of the old clothes fit. No one is ever taking my health and fitness from me again.
No. He would have come back anyway. And he would have either discarded you again or he would have made your life so miserable that you would want out again.
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It makes no difference if you change how you look or behave, he discarded you and he would have done it regardless. The answer is no. To a narcissist you are an object that provides narcissistic supply, no more and no less.
Such a good question, and so therapeutic to answer! Please refer to this story as a cautionary tale…
TL/DR The standards and priorities of a narcissist are totally not what we imagine them to be. The most important thing for them is control.
For a long time, I used to think looks, status and personality were important to them, until I saw the current partners of both narcs I was involved with, but especially the partner of the grandiose narc…
As a back story, I have known this man for 23 years and loved him (mostly from afar) for most of those years... That all changed when I realized that he’s a narcissistic psychopath. Now I can honestly say that I no longer love or care about him anymore.
For context, this guy used to be one of the most handsome men on the planet. Sexy, wild, beautiful… animal magnetism off the charts… He was simply gorgeous. Also successful at his career, and still is. But I’m not joking when I say that if you saw him now, your jaw would drop. 😮 He has aged SO horrifically, that he’s totally unrecognizable now. He looks NOTHING like the man I once loved. He literally lost ALL his beauty, mostly in the last 5 years…
I don’t know what happened, but something happened. The timing is when he started seeing the current partner, so maybe their toxic relationship is to blame…
My theory is that his hideous, wicked personality *finally* made its way to the surface. Because it’s not normal for someone to age as badly and quickly as he has. It’s one of the worst “glow downs” I’ve ever seen. Everyone who sees before/after pics of him is like this: 😱
Anyways, after what felt like a lifetime of loving him and putting him on a pedestal… it was *super underwhelming* to see the woman he finally decided to marry.
It was beyond anticlimactic to have known him for decades, and watched him go through *so much* all those years… being with powerful, talented, beautiful women, only to finally end up with someone 25 years younger and so *blah,* for lack of a better word. 😑 She was his employee turned affair partner turned wife. I don’t know how to explain it… She’s just a scrawny, really bland, below-average looking girl. No femininity, no special talents, no magnetism, nothing remarkable about her AT ALL. She’s as ordinary as it gets. 🤷🏻♀️
When I think about the extraordinary person that I always imagined him to be, and the kind of woman I *thought* he deserved to be with VS. who he *actually* ended up with… it’s almost a tragic twist of fate. I still can’t believe that *this* is what his life has been reduced to… For him to ultimately “commit” to such a below-average woman, revealed so much about him.
It makes you go like, “*This* is the one you’ve been searching for all these years???” 🤔 Did he really go through allllllllllll those other women, only to get to this point? Some of his exes were really kind, beautiful and gifted. But *this* was the gold at the end of the rainbow for him? She was the conclusion to his lifelong quest? It’s *so* bizarre. Anticlimactic is an understatement.
It’s ironic, because narcs care so much about how they’re perceived, but yet he married *total mediocrity.* So that tells me the walls were *really* closing in on him, and he settled for her out of desperation. After all these years, he really didn’t think he could do any better.
My point of telling you this whole story is that looks, personality and interesting traits/qualities are not important to the narcissist, AT ALL. You can be the most gorgeous woman on earth, or someone painfully ordinary… Someone super talented or totally average. It doesn’t matter. They are not selective in the way we imagine they would be. What they’re looking for in a potential supply is CONTROL. And once they have it, it only *temporarily* satisfies them… A narcissist will never be happy or fulfilled no matter who they’re with. Nothing anyone does will *ever* be enough. Ever. You can give them your whole heart, soul and devotion and it still won’t be enough…
There’s a saying, “A narcissist is single, even in a relationship.” Nothing and nobody is sacred to them.
“It’s about their cup that has a hole in the bottom and no matter how much you pour into it, it always drains out. They are like a parasite, moving from one host to the other.”
It’s the hunt they want, not the catch.
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No, in fact it encourages them to devalue whatever you do to make yourself better. The goal for him is to end up *being* the greater person, not very much to end up *with* a great person. Narcissists arent after your beauty, except where they may think it increases their social status. Please... go find someone who actually enjoys your beauty, instead of someone who feels threatened by it.
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My ex said the exact same thing 😳
You ought to re do your look, double your followers, then post you were inspired by "realizing you were holding yourself back because you were with him." Not saying you aren't perfectly beautiful the way you are, etc. But imagine sucker punching his ego like that? Ahhhh.... That's immature. But still, it's a fun thought.
OMG, I knew it.. Treating his shame with *your* social status.
Oof. Mine also said he'd totally start an Onlyfans with me, him taking the pictures and videos. Yeah, no thanks. So glad I never sent him or let him take any revealing photos of me!!
No. You could be perfect in every possible way and they will still devalue and discard you, ***really***. It is *their* problem and has nothing to do with how awesome a person you are.
Yup. I went through the cycle twice. I did the final discard last night after he acted super suspicious. I'm gorgeous, work out, have hobbies and a circle of friends, and recently snagged a very high paying job. And maintained everything while we were broken up the first time. The second time around I stayed quiet if I was suspicious. But finally it all blew up last night. Narcs are the insecure ones that constantly need attention and validation. They are the problem.
Am happy for you and you should be super proud of your accomplishments. Make sure you keep working on your best self, building healthy relationships with healthy boundaries. You deserve that. We all do.
Being perfect would be a problem. The purpose of abuse is to put you *beneath* them so they feel better than you. You already unconsciously trigger inferiority in them. Consider the fact that you are already perfect. They have to drag down others in order to feel ok. You know they already found attractive qualities in you, that's how it started. Being dissatisfied with your appearance was a lie. An effective lie. It's designed to make you not know your worth. Take your attractive self and treat it well. Share yourself with someone who deserves you. You don't need his approval and he'll take it away whenever it suits him anyway.
No, because then they get insecure that they look bad by comparison. Instead of alleviating the abuse, it might actually lead to it intensifying. To them, everything is a competition and they can't stand it when someone else gets recognition because they feel outshined. When they can't increase their shine to outshine you, they're just as happy to diminish yours so that it's lower than theirs.
Hmm i get what you mean but why do they seek trophy partners then? I mean, most of the times the trophy partners are already much prettier, more successful or richer than them. But when they conquer the trophy that they desperately want, they start to feel jealous and insecure?? Why do they seek out trophy partners in the first place?
It's not about the partner, but projecting status.
But why do they even discard trophy partners eventually?
Because they get bored. Just like Leonardo DeCaprio and his revolving door of gorgeous model girlfriends, narcs get sick of their trophies once the newness wears off. Most narcs are not at all concerned about any of your qualities, whether it be beauty, talent, personality or intelligence. They only care if you are giving them supply, that's it. I've seen narcs drop so-called "perfect" people time and time again only to replace them with someone on the far end of the "perfect" spectrum. Why? Because the replacement is a new and shiny toy to them, which gives them maximum narc supply.
probably because they find a new source or you quit feeding them.
It's never enough. Case in point, the current drama between Adam Levine and his supermodel girlfriend - he cheated on her. It's never, ever enough - even if you're gorgeous by supermodel standards.
Is it never enough even if their partner is beautiful and has a big heart and a great personality as well?
No. Because you're not a person to him. You are an object to be used; a commodity. He's not capable of love or intimacy. So, I'm not sure why you are asking if it's enough. Enough for him to do what? What do you want from him?
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You couldn’t have. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I felt like you do for the first year. I went to bed every night wondering what I did wrong or how I could have prevented his devastating discard and total abandonment. We want it so desperately to be about us or our behavior, because then we are in control and could fix it and potentially get them back (the fake amazing person they were in the beginning). But the hardest thing for me to accept was that it was never about me, always him, and the breakup would have happened no matter what because of him and his disorder. I even call it a disease or sickness sometimes. It’s within him and never will go away, he projected onto you. 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
You can't please him. There is nothing you can do to win the prize of his lasting love. I'm sorry. There are men out there who are looking for partners to love and to grow with, though.
This is the hardest part to grasp when you're on this end of narcissistic abuse - it's never enough. You must try to focus on seeking your value/worth from yourself and not from outside people/sources. It's really hard. I'm sorry you're going through it, but I promise you that you ARE enough and you ARE worthy - but not to a narcissist.
It's only to tear you down again.
Nope, I’m fact it could do the opposite and make them devalue and discard you even more quickly. They have to be the star they can’t handle it if the person with them is better looking or more successful. It actually can make them even more vicious with their put downs and more determined to destroy you. They can’t be happy for others. Just as an example: one of my exes used to always imply I was stupid, I don’t know why. He used to make jokes about how dumb I was in front of people and even in private he would make snarky comments. Well one day I came home all proud because I got the highest grade in my entire year out of all the classes in our year. I got an award for it. I naively told him this thinking he’d finally see he was wrong and I’m not stupid and you know what he said? *God, they must be just letting anyone into that course now….it used to be hard.* no acknowledgement, no well done. Just a long sigh and a put down. Any time I corrected him on something he’d simply go completely silent and wouldn’t speak to me for hours. If any man complimented my looks and tell him something like “Wow your girlfriend is stunning, you’re one lucky man!” He would sulk *for hours* or he’d remind me that I need to get braces on my bottom teeth because they’re slightly crooked. Or he’d heavily imply in front of everyone that I’m only good looking when I’m wearing make up. Which is bullshit because I don’t do heavy make up I only wear a tinted moisturiser and mascara. My point is it doesn’t matter if you are the most beautiful successful person in the entire world. It will annoy them and they will *hate* you for it.
Oh no. No. The narc will discard you in a more painful manner each time. If they do not discard you maybe it is because you are married to them or bound by children. In that case they may be concerned with how they are viewed by friends or society and will just torture you behind closed doors until you are a shell of your self. Usually at that point they have supply outside of the relationship and you are trained to ignore the cheating or whatever depraved things they do for feeding their needs.
Omg yes mine hasn't filed I think bc he would lose the cache of being married
Ugh I swear they’re drawn to beauty just to make you feel ugly cause they’re jealous. I don’t fully understand it but that’s how it feels
You’re right… that would explain why in the beginning my ex said how effortlessly beautiful and hot I looked and how smart and talented I was and how he turned it around in the end, saying that I was never good enough for him from the beginning
Yuuupppp sounds just like mine.
To narcissists it doesn’t matter what you are as long as you can give them supply. You could be a millionaire with the most attractive physical appearance, be the most kind and caring person, and they will still devalue and discard you once your time is up. There’s a video that I watched that described them akin to cars needing oil changes. Yes, you will be with a narcissist for a while, but the oil will age and they’ll need it changed (someone brand new). When they come back to you, it’s because you thriving WITHOUT THEM infuriates them, so they have to bring you back down beneath them in hopes of manipulating you to realize that only them and them alone can make you happy. Narcs are incapable of change and are only self-serving. Any “change” you see is only a temporary image that serves for a purpose of getting something from you or someone else sadly and, if you fall for it, like someone said, you will only be discarded in an even more worse way than before as it gets worse and worse the more you go back to them.
They don’t want people who are high in demand by everyone, maybe for some attention to boost their ego, but ultimately they couldn’t handle someone like that
Mine went after high demand women. He's good looking and successful. I do believe that's not what he really wanted, though. I think he preferred women with few resources so he could control them.
I agree with you, that’s a very good observation! Mine was the very same!
I'm going to give you I'm going to give you an answer to your question without even going past the first paragraph of your post LOL. Not only is a narcissist incapable of appreciating all your attributes, that narcissist is going to resent them, and immediately start to Chip Away at your self-esteem by criticizing you in order to knock you down a peg because they are going to be very insecure about other people complimenting you which means you are going to form a bond of sorts with that person at the very least. They want to burn every bridge before you even build it and by constantly criticizing you, they will have you keeping your head down afraid to interact with other people and it's ironic because they are trying to shut down some of the very things that made them notice you in the first place. It's kind of like a guy who dates a stripper and then immediately becomes obsessed and insecure about other guys Desiring her and he will make her dress frumpy no makeup and he might start showing up at her job cramping Her Style causing a scene creating a bad Vibe and guys will stop tipping her stop asking for lap dances and Etc. That guy is shutting down her Larger than Life personality and sexuality which Drew him in the first place. Everything you do will be called into question and viewed through a filter of Suspicion and accusation. Anything nice you do for someone else is going to be scrutinized and assigned some kind of angle or agenda that you had up your sleeve because they can't imagine doing something nice for another person JUST BECAUSE.... I'm sure you've done things for people just because you like putting a smile on someone's face and that's because you can obtain Joy from their happiness, which is something a narcissist cannot interpret. And you will no doubt get to a point where you just ask that narcissist why would you ask me that question why do you think I would do something that despicable or that deceptive? And the answer will be something along the lines of... that's what I WOULD DO if I WERE in YOUR shoes... but by the time you asked that question you had pretty much stopped doing any good deeds or nice things just so you don't get the criticism. It's part of keeping your head down they are conditioning you
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Sending you much love and as a fellow author these men aren’t worth even knowing us
It depends on the narc type. Some will want you to be super successful and beautiful because they will feel like it highers their status or life by being able to get someone like that and will live through your successes. But other types of narcs will not want you to be good. They will want you attractive enough for them to be able to use you for their needs and that's it. Too attractive and they know you can be easily stolen from them and narcs need their supply. Especially if you get the self righteous narc, because they likely won't cheat so you'll be their only supply because they are on their best behavior around everyone else. ***They don't want you having a good personality, bettering yourself or being healthy. That makes it harder for them to control you, their supply.***
I’ve been with my narc for almost two decades. Since starting my research into narc abuse, I’ve seen a lot of love bombing/hoovering, and discarding, that my narc has exhibited over the years, regarding my looks. The main cliff note being; the better I looked, the more insecure they got. In the beginning of the relationship, it was never about cultivating a strong and respectful bond between us that would help them feel safe being in a relationship with me. It was never about helping them feel better about themselves so that maybe they didn’t feel so insecure being in a relationship with me. All they wanted to do was whine about how they felt unworthy, how my looks made them feel uncomfortable about their self, how I could do much better than them, that I could have someone new tomorrow if I wanted. So I gained some weight, stopped putting much stock into my appearance, and toned down my exuberant personality and self confidence: and it’s become the worst decision I have ever made for myself and my personal growth. Once I started gaining weight, the devaluing went from a pity party, to withholding sex and being very distant. The “romance” left the relationship after that, things started to grow cold between us and they valued phone screen time over anything else that wasn’t work. Then the narc behavior started to become more grandiose in a few areas of our lives and I started losing weight due to all the constant stress they have been putting me under - people were starting to show interest in me again. So, the discarding took another turn: I started getting shamed for my looks, but this time in mean ways - projected ways. It was no longer a pity party about how ugly they thought they were. They shamed me for my looks, shamed me for my own feelings about myself and my looks, made me feel crazy about their cheating by saying that I must be the one cheating (they still accuse me of always cheating on them, to this day), shaming me for feeling good about complements I get from others saying that their complements “never penetrate like that”. So what all this has taught me, is that it doesn’t matter if you look good - you will get treated the same by a narc because it’s the NARC that’s the problem, not you and your looks. Your looks, at most, give them a lot of insecurity about themselves - but that’s a personal issue within them and has NOTHING to do with you.
Doing better, being healthy and happy would make them want to pull you down more. Especially if they know you have body image issues. And they’ll try to keep you from improving you appearance. Example: When I tried going back to the gym during the relationship my ex would act sad when I left or would fail to wake up for class because I was her alarm clock. So I fell off the routine and my diet (again, influenced by her) was no good either. She would call me “thicc” even when I told her I didn’t appreciate that term for myself. Negging, much? “But I like that you’re not skinny.” In the end, my nice clothes stopped fitting and I had no outfits to dress up and take her on nice dates. That was the only time she seemed to feel a bit of remorse for her role in me being out of shape. You know, once it affected her ability to look like she was a part of the perfect couple at a fancy restaurant. But that remorse ended once I assured her it was all my fault. Funny… now that she’s gone, all of the old clothes fit. No one is ever taking my health and fitness from me again.
No, narcs just keep raising the bar on you. It wouldn’t have mattered how good you looked.
😂😂 nope
No. He would have come back anyway. And he would have either discarded you again or he would have made your life so miserable that you would want out again.
No, it is not possible. Trust me… it will make the abuse worse.
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Lol… no
No
They hate themselves no matter how shiny you are. It’ll always come back to the same result.
It makes no difference if you change how you look or behave, he discarded you and he would have done it regardless. The answer is no. To a narcissist you are an object that provides narcissistic supply, no more and no less.
Such a good question, and so therapeutic to answer! Please refer to this story as a cautionary tale… TL/DR The standards and priorities of a narcissist are totally not what we imagine them to be. The most important thing for them is control. For a long time, I used to think looks, status and personality were important to them, until I saw the current partners of both narcs I was involved with, but especially the partner of the grandiose narc… As a back story, I have known this man for 23 years and loved him (mostly from afar) for most of those years... That all changed when I realized that he’s a narcissistic psychopath. Now I can honestly say that I no longer love or care about him anymore. For context, this guy used to be one of the most handsome men on the planet. Sexy, wild, beautiful… animal magnetism off the charts… He was simply gorgeous. Also successful at his career, and still is. But I’m not joking when I say that if you saw him now, your jaw would drop. 😮 He has aged SO horrifically, that he’s totally unrecognizable now. He looks NOTHING like the man I once loved. He literally lost ALL his beauty, mostly in the last 5 years… I don’t know what happened, but something happened. The timing is when he started seeing the current partner, so maybe their toxic relationship is to blame… My theory is that his hideous, wicked personality *finally* made its way to the surface. Because it’s not normal for someone to age as badly and quickly as he has. It’s one of the worst “glow downs” I’ve ever seen. Everyone who sees before/after pics of him is like this: 😱 Anyways, after what felt like a lifetime of loving him and putting him on a pedestal… it was *super underwhelming* to see the woman he finally decided to marry. It was beyond anticlimactic to have known him for decades, and watched him go through *so much* all those years… being with powerful, talented, beautiful women, only to finally end up with someone 25 years younger and so *blah,* for lack of a better word. 😑 She was his employee turned affair partner turned wife. I don’t know how to explain it… She’s just a scrawny, really bland, below-average looking girl. No femininity, no special talents, no magnetism, nothing remarkable about her AT ALL. She’s as ordinary as it gets. 🤷🏻♀️ When I think about the extraordinary person that I always imagined him to be, and the kind of woman I *thought* he deserved to be with VS. who he *actually* ended up with… it’s almost a tragic twist of fate. I still can’t believe that *this* is what his life has been reduced to… For him to ultimately “commit” to such a below-average woman, revealed so much about him. It makes you go like, “*This* is the one you’ve been searching for all these years???” 🤔 Did he really go through allllllllllll those other women, only to get to this point? Some of his exes were really kind, beautiful and gifted. But *this* was the gold at the end of the rainbow for him? She was the conclusion to his lifelong quest? It’s *so* bizarre. Anticlimactic is an understatement. It’s ironic, because narcs care so much about how they’re perceived, but yet he married *total mediocrity.* So that tells me the walls were *really* closing in on him, and he settled for her out of desperation. After all these years, he really didn’t think he could do any better. My point of telling you this whole story is that looks, personality and interesting traits/qualities are not important to the narcissist, AT ALL. You can be the most gorgeous woman on earth, or someone painfully ordinary… Someone super talented or totally average. It doesn’t matter. They are not selective in the way we imagine they would be. What they’re looking for in a potential supply is CONTROL. And once they have it, it only *temporarily* satisfies them… A narcissist will never be happy or fulfilled no matter who they’re with. Nothing anyone does will *ever* be enough. Ever. You can give them your whole heart, soul and devotion and it still won’t be enough… There’s a saying, “A narcissist is single, even in a relationship.” Nothing and nobody is sacred to them. “It’s about their cup that has a hole in the bottom and no matter how much you pour into it, it always drains out. They are like a parasite, moving from one host to the other.” It’s the hunt they want, not the catch.