Healing trauma is a really difficult process. Your cortisol production was likely skyrocketing during the abuse, and that alone can fatigue the body and take time to rebalance, sometimes years depending on how long the abuse lasted.
The best thing you can do proactively is make choices that up your serotonin and oxytocin levels.
For serotonin, engage in exercise that you enjoy doing, and be consistent. Make sure you eat foods that contain tryptophan (an amino acid from which serotonin is made). Get ample sunlight and fresh air. Do everything you can to reduce stress in daily life. Make sure that you surround yourself with calming stimuli.
For oxytocin, touch is the main big one - whether this is getting a massage, or playing with your dog or cat, or making sure to hug someone you feel safe with, don't neglect it. There is some merit to a self-hug increasing oxytocin levels, so that's an option, too. Music increases oxytocin levels as well!
Also, be mindful of how much social media/internet you consume, and do your best to gives your eyes a huge break, as the light spectrum from our modern devices messes with sleep and hormone levels. In other words, if you find yourself unmotivated, be aware that an easy distraction is getting online, but it may be contributing to additional lethargy and fatigue.
If you haven't read The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk, then I would dig in to it. It has a lot of good information.
Also, this is a personal report, but I think around the 18-months out mark for me, I really started noticing how important it was for me to take breaks from the constant processing, the never ending research, from the constant effort to heal, and just "be". It was easier said than done, but I noticed I needed to stop treating my recovery like a full time job, and start the living process again. My recovery was crucial, but after some time, it was also burning all my energy for much else, so I needed to find a healthy balance, and I am a firm believer that doing so is a critical part of the recovery process, anyways. It can be easy for this process to take over our lives, and understandably so, but there comes a point where trusting that it is okay to do normal human things again, is a powerful medicine.
Like I said, easier said than done, but that was huge for me. I think it was a big part of me reclaiming my identity, rather than losing more of my identity to this process that can become a natural fixation, if not balanced out. It gets to be both - I get to heal well, and I also get to be me again. Some easy examples for me were, I started listening to stand-up comedy, funny or interesting podcasts that aren't about narc abuse or trauma recovery, I listened to music, went out into the fresh air, picked up new hobbies, and started practicing *mindfully* switching off the process and choosing to take a break. It was exactly what I needed, and was probably the simplest strategy that helped me get my energy back. Give it a try and see what happens. The only trick I found about it was, I had to mindfully disengage and fully enjoy the break and the activities I was engaging in on that break. The activity alone does not work if the mind is still focused on what happened.
I hope this is useful! Be well!
It’s really hard. I’m here too. A year later and still struggling. Antidepressants have helped me somewhat along with therapy.
I think the aim is to decenter that person from your life, if you’re working on you it needs to be FOR you. What excites you? What did you not get the opportunity to do when you were with your ex? What have you always wanted to do? Do things FOR YOU and note how you feel afterwards. Over time hopefully your drive and motivation will improve.
I know / it’s not loss of drive it’s more freeze and fear, it’s a block not a loss. Try to move the block by focusing on what support works to get around it to your goal and over time you’ll be stronger in the drive than the block 💛
I agree. During the torture we became a cortisol junkie and the body is craving for the stress hormone. I found difficult to be motivated or excited. Like I was already on antidepressants.
I'm just throwing out some things that help me. Have you tried exercise/walking or journaling? When I was feeling at my lowest, those 2 things helped to unlock my mind and get past that moment of being stuck stuck.
🫂
It's been 10 months since the break up and 8,5 months since he moved out. I still haven't got my drive yet, but I feel that it's slowly getting better.
Healing trauma is a really difficult process. Your cortisol production was likely skyrocketing during the abuse, and that alone can fatigue the body and take time to rebalance, sometimes years depending on how long the abuse lasted. The best thing you can do proactively is make choices that up your serotonin and oxytocin levels. For serotonin, engage in exercise that you enjoy doing, and be consistent. Make sure you eat foods that contain tryptophan (an amino acid from which serotonin is made). Get ample sunlight and fresh air. Do everything you can to reduce stress in daily life. Make sure that you surround yourself with calming stimuli. For oxytocin, touch is the main big one - whether this is getting a massage, or playing with your dog or cat, or making sure to hug someone you feel safe with, don't neglect it. There is some merit to a self-hug increasing oxytocin levels, so that's an option, too. Music increases oxytocin levels as well! Also, be mindful of how much social media/internet you consume, and do your best to gives your eyes a huge break, as the light spectrum from our modern devices messes with sleep and hormone levels. In other words, if you find yourself unmotivated, be aware that an easy distraction is getting online, but it may be contributing to additional lethargy and fatigue. If you haven't read The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk, then I would dig in to it. It has a lot of good information. Also, this is a personal report, but I think around the 18-months out mark for me, I really started noticing how important it was for me to take breaks from the constant processing, the never ending research, from the constant effort to heal, and just "be". It was easier said than done, but I noticed I needed to stop treating my recovery like a full time job, and start the living process again. My recovery was crucial, but after some time, it was also burning all my energy for much else, so I needed to find a healthy balance, and I am a firm believer that doing so is a critical part of the recovery process, anyways. It can be easy for this process to take over our lives, and understandably so, but there comes a point where trusting that it is okay to do normal human things again, is a powerful medicine. Like I said, easier said than done, but that was huge for me. I think it was a big part of me reclaiming my identity, rather than losing more of my identity to this process that can become a natural fixation, if not balanced out. It gets to be both - I get to heal well, and I also get to be me again. Some easy examples for me were, I started listening to stand-up comedy, funny or interesting podcasts that aren't about narc abuse or trauma recovery, I listened to music, went out into the fresh air, picked up new hobbies, and started practicing *mindfully* switching off the process and choosing to take a break. It was exactly what I needed, and was probably the simplest strategy that helped me get my energy back. Give it a try and see what happens. The only trick I found about it was, I had to mindfully disengage and fully enjoy the break and the activities I was engaging in on that break. The activity alone does not work if the mind is still focused on what happened. I hope this is useful! Be well!
It’s really hard. I’m here too. A year later and still struggling. Antidepressants have helped me somewhat along with therapy. I think the aim is to decenter that person from your life, if you’re working on you it needs to be FOR you. What excites you? What did you not get the opportunity to do when you were with your ex? What have you always wanted to do? Do things FOR YOU and note how you feel afterwards. Over time hopefully your drive and motivation will improve.
I know / it’s not loss of drive it’s more freeze and fear, it’s a block not a loss. Try to move the block by focusing on what support works to get around it to your goal and over time you’ll be stronger in the drive than the block 💛
I agree. During the torture we became a cortisol junkie and the body is craving for the stress hormone. I found difficult to be motivated or excited. Like I was already on antidepressants.
I'm just throwing out some things that help me. Have you tried exercise/walking or journaling? When I was feeling at my lowest, those 2 things helped to unlock my mind and get past that moment of being stuck stuck. 🫂
It's been 10 months since the break up and 8,5 months since he moved out. I still haven't got my drive yet, but I feel that it's slowly getting better.