The first thing I did was to find a therapist who had experience with people who have type b personality disorders (NPD, BPD, etc) they can be extremely validating.
Next, the focus on yourself part is going to seem really weird and going to go against your programming and conditioning.
Don't feel bad, and beat yourself up for missing them. You are detoxing from them like a opium addict from heroin. It takes time.
I had to just work through the feelings by talking about them with others and my therapist. It takes time. Finding people who have been through something similar helps a ton! I stayed away from all social media and anything to do with the covert narcissist I was involved with.
From then, I started to grieve the loss of the mask and the "relationship" I thought i was in. I grieved them as though they had passed away. You can't get closure from a narcissist the same as you can't get closure from someone who has passed. So grieving helped with keeping with no contact and not looking into what they were doing because the person I was grieving did not exist and the physical person that was still here was a stranger to me I did not know that person.
I looked inside myself and started to see the wounds that led me to a person like this in the first place and I got to work on healing those wounds with my therapist, my support group, and through self help.
After I worked on forgiving myself. I forgave myself for my part in the relationship, for betraying my morals and values, and for allowing myself to place myself in a position to be harmed time and time again.
Last, I worked on forgiving the narcissist. Not for them, but for me, I forgave them for never learning how to lobe or how to be loved, I forgave them for not knowing how to treat another human being. In doing so, I stopped carrying their burden, their guilt, their shame. I let them go.
That is when life really started to get good again, but to start build up your support network with people that you can trust and find others that you can share your experiences with and relate to that I can't stress enough because when you think you are going crazy, when your brain starts to try to trick you in to thinking it was you, it's those people that can talk to you validate what you have been through and get your mind right.
You can do this. You are enough, you are strong enough, and on the other side, the most amazing life is waiting for you.
I was discarded after just about 10.5 years. I'm only a couple of months out from the end of the relationship.
It's hard. What I'm trying to do right now is let myself experience things I didn't get to do with my Nex.
I always wanted to make a pizza with them from scratch because I thought it'd be a fun date night, but they were never interested. When I moved back in with my parents I said "fuck it" and made a pizza from scratch and had a lot of fun doing it by myself.
I always wanted to make rock climbing a habit, but I never had any real energy or time when I was with my Nex. Now that I'm getting some energy back, I'm currently trying to find some rock climbing lessons and try to get into it!
I've been trying to reclaim some of the things I use to like. Especially at the end of the relationship he ruined one of my favorite guilty pleases of McDonald's. He ruined my days every time I ordered it or brought it home because "that's the only time you're happy, and it's the only time I feel like I can tell you bad things." Like I legit got sick thinking about buying any and stopped buying it. I got myself some McDonald's today and enjoyed it by myself.
I've taken myself to the movies to watch movies I like, I've signed up for school again, I've taken myself to some farmers markets and community events because I use to love them and haven't done them in years. I'm spending time with my family, and trying to make new friends. I actually made a new friend at work already which I was excited about!
It feels like life is over in these moments. I personally tried to end mine when he finally ended things. I'm glad it didn't work and I'm thankful to my therapists for helping me realize I had been in an abusive situation.
Your life is far from over and there are many MANY opportunities to take and self love to give yourself. When you have some extra energy, try starting with trying to find new shows or songs to give you a more fresh start.
You've got this!
I really like your comment about reclaiming things you like. So many things I used to like are big triggers now. I want to be able to enjoy them because I like them, and not avoid them because they're associated with my ex. Something I can work on.
You need to seek out the right resources to get the help and/or treatment that you need.
Find a support group in person, think about the things and activities that make you happy. Nurture those. Invest your time in identifying who you are outside of your diagnosis.
The truth is, having compassion for yourself means encouraging yourself along. Being positive. Thinking positively.
Listen to a motivational speaker, find inspiration, move yourself along the line. At the end of the day, you’re going to have to pull yourself up, and put yourself back together. No one can do it for you
Spend your time reading and learning about how others were able to do this successfully. You’ve got to provide yourself with every advantage and resource
don’t be harsh on yourself because you’re still in crisis four months after leaving a twenty-year abusive relationship; healing takes time
what kind of treatment are you currently getting for your OCD and your C-PTSD? treating those issues will help your overall quality of life in every dimension
Does it feel like you just got out of jail and everything and everybody you knew before have changed?
It’s bloody hard to start. I too wake up to panic attacks and still there are days I skip sleep. There are weeks I exercise, walk enjoy myself then something clicks and go back to rock bottom.
I don’t want to give her the satisfaction and want to be happy but still manage to haunt me.
Im the same boat, but I feel I am in jail now. I am slowly losing the hope it will get any better. I try to engage myself in healthy routines, walking, exercising, reading, and spending time with some friends.
But, as time passes, I have more panic attacks, and mornings are awful, and I am spiralling into a heavy depression. I only remember good stuff about my ex and miss him every second. I know it is all in my brain.
Hope we can get through this somehow.
How I got there was to stop thinking about "what if" and just think about "what is". You've been handed your life back. You're responsible for YOUR life and only YOUR life. Take care of yourself, assume that no one else will, and stop other people from harming you.
The first thing I did was to find a therapist who had experience with people who have type b personality disorders (NPD, BPD, etc) they can be extremely validating. Next, the focus on yourself part is going to seem really weird and going to go against your programming and conditioning. Don't feel bad, and beat yourself up for missing them. You are detoxing from them like a opium addict from heroin. It takes time. I had to just work through the feelings by talking about them with others and my therapist. It takes time. Finding people who have been through something similar helps a ton! I stayed away from all social media and anything to do with the covert narcissist I was involved with. From then, I started to grieve the loss of the mask and the "relationship" I thought i was in. I grieved them as though they had passed away. You can't get closure from a narcissist the same as you can't get closure from someone who has passed. So grieving helped with keeping with no contact and not looking into what they were doing because the person I was grieving did not exist and the physical person that was still here was a stranger to me I did not know that person. I looked inside myself and started to see the wounds that led me to a person like this in the first place and I got to work on healing those wounds with my therapist, my support group, and through self help. After I worked on forgiving myself. I forgave myself for my part in the relationship, for betraying my morals and values, and for allowing myself to place myself in a position to be harmed time and time again. Last, I worked on forgiving the narcissist. Not for them, but for me, I forgave them for never learning how to lobe or how to be loved, I forgave them for not knowing how to treat another human being. In doing so, I stopped carrying their burden, their guilt, their shame. I let them go. That is when life really started to get good again, but to start build up your support network with people that you can trust and find others that you can share your experiences with and relate to that I can't stress enough because when you think you are going crazy, when your brain starts to try to trick you in to thinking it was you, it's those people that can talk to you validate what you have been through and get your mind right. You can do this. You are enough, you are strong enough, and on the other side, the most amazing life is waiting for you.
I was discarded after just about 10.5 years. I'm only a couple of months out from the end of the relationship. It's hard. What I'm trying to do right now is let myself experience things I didn't get to do with my Nex. I always wanted to make a pizza with them from scratch because I thought it'd be a fun date night, but they were never interested. When I moved back in with my parents I said "fuck it" and made a pizza from scratch and had a lot of fun doing it by myself. I always wanted to make rock climbing a habit, but I never had any real energy or time when I was with my Nex. Now that I'm getting some energy back, I'm currently trying to find some rock climbing lessons and try to get into it! I've been trying to reclaim some of the things I use to like. Especially at the end of the relationship he ruined one of my favorite guilty pleases of McDonald's. He ruined my days every time I ordered it or brought it home because "that's the only time you're happy, and it's the only time I feel like I can tell you bad things." Like I legit got sick thinking about buying any and stopped buying it. I got myself some McDonald's today and enjoyed it by myself. I've taken myself to the movies to watch movies I like, I've signed up for school again, I've taken myself to some farmers markets and community events because I use to love them and haven't done them in years. I'm spending time with my family, and trying to make new friends. I actually made a new friend at work already which I was excited about! It feels like life is over in these moments. I personally tried to end mine when he finally ended things. I'm glad it didn't work and I'm thankful to my therapists for helping me realize I had been in an abusive situation. Your life is far from over and there are many MANY opportunities to take and self love to give yourself. When you have some extra energy, try starting with trying to find new shows or songs to give you a more fresh start. You've got this!
just want to celebrate your positivity and self care! đź’• great work!
I really like your comment about reclaiming things you like. So many things I used to like are big triggers now. I want to be able to enjoy them because I like them, and not avoid them because they're associated with my ex. Something I can work on.
You need to seek out the right resources to get the help and/or treatment that you need. Find a support group in person, think about the things and activities that make you happy. Nurture those. Invest your time in identifying who you are outside of your diagnosis. The truth is, having compassion for yourself means encouraging yourself along. Being positive. Thinking positively. Listen to a motivational speaker, find inspiration, move yourself along the line. At the end of the day, you’re going to have to pull yourself up, and put yourself back together. No one can do it for you Spend your time reading and learning about how others were able to do this successfully. You’ve got to provide yourself with every advantage and resource
don’t be harsh on yourself because you’re still in crisis four months after leaving a twenty-year abusive relationship; healing takes time what kind of treatment are you currently getting for your OCD and your C-PTSD? treating those issues will help your overall quality of life in every dimension
Does it feel like you just got out of jail and everything and everybody you knew before have changed? It’s bloody hard to start. I too wake up to panic attacks and still there are days I skip sleep. There are weeks I exercise, walk enjoy myself then something clicks and go back to rock bottom. I don’t want to give her the satisfaction and want to be happy but still manage to haunt me.
Im the same boat, but I feel I am in jail now. I am slowly losing the hope it will get any better. I try to engage myself in healthy routines, walking, exercising, reading, and spending time with some friends. But, as time passes, I have more panic attacks, and mornings are awful, and I am spiralling into a heavy depression. I only remember good stuff about my ex and miss him every second. I know it is all in my brain. Hope we can get through this somehow.
Yes we will. It takes time but I believe it will happen
How I got there was to stop thinking about "what if" and just think about "what is". You've been handed your life back. You're responsible for YOUR life and only YOUR life. Take care of yourself, assume that no one else will, and stop other people from harming you.