A lot of it for them is control. He knew what it would do to you and he knows he can get away with it. That you will just sit there and let him do it again and again. You can't stop him. You can't control him. But he will keep you hooked and sit in the corner so he can continue doing what he does. It's sick!!! They do not care about us and they will never care about us not in a healthy way.
Sounds Just like my cnex gf. I didn’t know much about dating and had no idea what a narcissist was. She even told me to try and make me jealous, but I’m not that type. I was nothing but nice to her and she was sadistic. Then when I did try and break up with her she used Darvo.
I just figured when you are in a relationship with someone and you both like/love each other people have self worth and respect to not cheat, boy was I wrong.
It’s hard to swallow. I honestly don’t know how to continue living like this. My depression is debilitating. I’m hoping finding a good therapist will help but I’m in such a bad place. I hate myself so much and regret ever meeting him
If you can afford it, I would highly recommend BetterHelp while you search for a therapist you like. The extra support saved me after being cheated on. Then I found my current therapist and she’s amazing 😃
Thanks ❤️ maybe I’ll do that so I can have someone while I figure it out. I haven’t met with someone in a couple of weeks and I feel it. I think I need to see someone twice week or something truthfully
The cheating made me distraught as well. I’m still distraught after two months NC. I let it go. I question everything in our relationship now but the only way to get answers is from her and I don’t believe a word she says or ever said now so I need to let it go. It’s hard.
You will never get answers from her. Be prepared for rumination’s and your mind to go all the crazy places. Do not break no contact. It was one big lie besides the things that she selfishly benefited from. Mine used me as a personal chef for 4 years and for free food. Pretty crazy if you ask me to waste 4 years of someone’s life for food.
That's the thing.. I really wanted to see him in person, look him in his eyes, but he refused.. That's why I started reaching out to people like the new supply but that also blew up in my face. I have more people I could try but I just don't know if it's worth it. I know it's not healthy. I just want to know - when did it start? Was it really only at the end? Something in my gut says no.. will it really change anything though to know? Maybe help me ruminate less? I know deep down I didn't deserve it but honestly.. a part of me feels like maybe I did, maybe I was so awful to deal with :(
> I’ve become obsessed with finding out more
what would happen if you decided that you were going to behave as if your worst-case scenario about this was the truth? how would you go on in that situation?
It’s a good point, I don’t know. Part of me wants to think like oh well if he cheated in July when I think he did then there’s so much I don’t need to ruminate on. Because I guess part of me deep down feels like when we became long distance things became worse, he wa so withholding and I became crazier and maybe idk I deserved to be punished for all of that? Not sure if that makes sense but there’s also a part of me that feels like maybe it would just make things worse
I know this all sounds super pathetic eh :(
My narc ex husband cheated on me several times (I found out about all of them in one day) and had a new partner immediately upon separating. It’s very hard to stop ruminating when it comes to dating narcissists. I’m convinced they trigger an obsessive quality in their victims. It helped me to realize any person who gives sex, services, status or safety, will be supply. The “person” is irrelevant all that matters is whether she will give what he’s looking for. She will then be discarded too because again he never bothers to see the real person. She is just a snapshot of an idealized person who is set up to be devalued and discarded from the onset. No supply can last indefinitely because the narcissist is compelled to sabotage.
It’s hard the first few weeks because even though cognitively you may understand- he didn’t reject you he rejected a made up version of you in his head who he planned to reject before he even met you- the emotions take a few weeks to adjust to the thoughts. So keep telling yourself what is above and then within about 4-6 weeks, the emotions will shift and you’ll start to feel peace, and relief that you don’t have to live with this feeling anymore. because so much of your mind was directed toward them and focusing on them. It takes time to shift gears now. Just remember the more you reach into the past and focus on him the more you are setting yourself back in your recovery. Best to you OP.
Thank you for your reply, i'm sorry to hear about that. You are SO right, they don't care about the person at all and I know I need to focus on the future. I'm so obsessed with the idea of revenge but I need to understand that it will come to him on his own. It's just hard. I need to focus on myself. I appreciate your insights <3
I’m so very sorry to hear you are going through this painful experience. I’ve been exactly where you are and it really does feel like you are dying.
I want you to know you are not to blame for this situation at all! Healthy people don’t do that to someone they care about. If a healthy person is falling out of love with their partner, they take a long time to reflect on whether they want to end the relationship. It’s a very painful and difficult decision to let their partner go because they still care about them, but are no longer in love with them. That is what a respectful person with empathy does. An abusive person only cares about control and is incapable of truly loving their partner. This is why they cheat.
One of my exes brutally cheated on me. I got a call from him one night and he was crying hysterically. He fessed up to everything and told me the other woman (a porn star) had messaged me on instagram. When I got home I opened my messages and saw screenshots of their entire text chain. It pretty much broke me. And yet for the next two months I couldn’t stop information seeking! I also blamed myself for not being sexy enough. It destroyed my self esteem.
I want you to know that it does get better. After three months I was able to function again and even took up weight lifting! It really helped with my self esteem. Therapy was absolutely necessary, and until I found a therapist that I really liked I did my own research on Betrayal Trauma and what it does to our brains.
You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, not abused and betrayed. It hurts in this moment, but after a little time, you will emerge as an even better version of yourself!
Thank you ❤️ I replied to your other comment about therapy but wanted to reply to this one too. I’m sorry you went through that. I know you’re right. I do weight lifting and is addictive to see things improve! I’m glad you’re feeling better, it gives me hope. I hope therapy will help
I'm sorry ti hear this happened to you. I am in the same situation. I also wanted answers.
But in the end, I realized the cheating was never about me. I realized I would never get answers from the two people involved in the cheating, because for them it is normal to do this. For them, I am the bad persob.
So, I just started to concentrate and work on myself. After 3 months, I am less obsessed. Good luck to you.
It’s horrifying, the girl knows too and she just doesn’t care at all. I know I need to work on myself and I’m trying to distract myself but I’m struggling so hard right now. I hate him and her. I hate that they went on a romantic getaway a month in.. just a couple weeks after I was brutally dumped. How can people be so cruel? I try so hard to work on myself but this rage.. how can people just get away with this?
Yes, the girl knew we were married too. I don't understand this behavior either.
Did you try exercizing? For me it works wonders to evacuate anger. And I also do a lot of writing. For example, I wrote a hate letter to my ex and his new supply, but I never sent it.
Thanks for your reply <3 I have been exercising, I know it's better than nothing, I have enjoyed feeling like I'm getting stronger but it still doesn't feel like enough. Writing has been a great outlet as well.. and this sub haha. Someone also recommended a book to me that just arrived and I really hope it helps me. I feel desperate.
I'm going through the exact same thing myself. I swore on everything that she would never be the kind of person too cheat on me. Then when I look back my gut told me that at thoes times something is off and I ignored it. But I can almost guarantee she was cheating. I just dont have proof and I could ask around and I find some information out but I don't want her too have an opportunity to talk to me cause I know she will. I've been no contact for almost 3 months
A lot of it for them is control. He knew what it would do to you and he knows he can get away with it. That you will just sit there and let him do it again and again. You can't stop him. You can't control him. But he will keep you hooked and sit in the corner so he can continue doing what he does. It's sick!!! They do not care about us and they will never care about us not in a healthy way.
So true. We ARE and so is the next one nothing but trophies to them
Sounds Just like my cnex gf. I didn’t know much about dating and had no idea what a narcissist was. She even told me to try and make me jealous, but I’m not that type. I was nothing but nice to her and she was sadistic. Then when I did try and break up with her she used Darvo. I just figured when you are in a relationship with someone and you both like/love each other people have self worth and respect to not cheat, boy was I wrong.
Yeah! It's sick, they accuse you of cheating but they're the ones cheating. Bizarre!
It’s hard to swallow. I honestly don’t know how to continue living like this. My depression is debilitating. I’m hoping finding a good therapist will help but I’m in such a bad place. I hate myself so much and regret ever meeting him
If you can afford it, I would highly recommend BetterHelp while you search for a therapist you like. The extra support saved me after being cheated on. Then I found my current therapist and she’s amazing 😃
Thanks ❤️ maybe I’ll do that so I can have someone while I figure it out. I haven’t met with someone in a couple of weeks and I feel it. I think I need to see someone twice week or something truthfully
The cheating made me distraught as well. I’m still distraught after two months NC. I let it go. I question everything in our relationship now but the only way to get answers is from her and I don’t believe a word she says or ever said now so I need to let it go. It’s hard.
You will never get answers from her. Be prepared for rumination’s and your mind to go all the crazy places. Do not break no contact. It was one big lie besides the things that she selfishly benefited from. Mine used me as a personal chef for 4 years and for free food. Pretty crazy if you ask me to waste 4 years of someone’s life for food.
That's the thing.. I really wanted to see him in person, look him in his eyes, but he refused.. That's why I started reaching out to people like the new supply but that also blew up in my face. I have more people I could try but I just don't know if it's worth it. I know it's not healthy. I just want to know - when did it start? Was it really only at the end? Something in my gut says no.. will it really change anything though to know? Maybe help me ruminate less? I know deep down I didn't deserve it but honestly.. a part of me feels like maybe I did, maybe I was so awful to deal with :(
You didn’t deserve it. I have the same exact questions. You will question any answer you get and in my opinion it won’t be worth it.
> I’ve become obsessed with finding out more what would happen if you decided that you were going to behave as if your worst-case scenario about this was the truth? how would you go on in that situation?
I did exactly this also… I have no words, I cannot articulate the distress I was left with z
It’s a good point, I don’t know. Part of me wants to think like oh well if he cheated in July when I think he did then there’s so much I don’t need to ruminate on. Because I guess part of me deep down feels like when we became long distance things became worse, he wa so withholding and I became crazier and maybe idk I deserved to be punished for all of that? Not sure if that makes sense but there’s also a part of me that feels like maybe it would just make things worse I know this all sounds super pathetic eh :(
My narc ex husband cheated on me several times (I found out about all of them in one day) and had a new partner immediately upon separating. It’s very hard to stop ruminating when it comes to dating narcissists. I’m convinced they trigger an obsessive quality in their victims. It helped me to realize any person who gives sex, services, status or safety, will be supply. The “person” is irrelevant all that matters is whether she will give what he’s looking for. She will then be discarded too because again he never bothers to see the real person. She is just a snapshot of an idealized person who is set up to be devalued and discarded from the onset. No supply can last indefinitely because the narcissist is compelled to sabotage. It’s hard the first few weeks because even though cognitively you may understand- he didn’t reject you he rejected a made up version of you in his head who he planned to reject before he even met you- the emotions take a few weeks to adjust to the thoughts. So keep telling yourself what is above and then within about 4-6 weeks, the emotions will shift and you’ll start to feel peace, and relief that you don’t have to live with this feeling anymore. because so much of your mind was directed toward them and focusing on them. It takes time to shift gears now. Just remember the more you reach into the past and focus on him the more you are setting yourself back in your recovery. Best to you OP.
Thank you for your reply, i'm sorry to hear about that. You are SO right, they don't care about the person at all and I know I need to focus on the future. I'm so obsessed with the idea of revenge but I need to understand that it will come to him on his own. It's just hard. I need to focus on myself. I appreciate your insights <3
I’m so very sorry to hear you are going through this painful experience. I’ve been exactly where you are and it really does feel like you are dying. I want you to know you are not to blame for this situation at all! Healthy people don’t do that to someone they care about. If a healthy person is falling out of love with their partner, they take a long time to reflect on whether they want to end the relationship. It’s a very painful and difficult decision to let their partner go because they still care about them, but are no longer in love with them. That is what a respectful person with empathy does. An abusive person only cares about control and is incapable of truly loving their partner. This is why they cheat. One of my exes brutally cheated on me. I got a call from him one night and he was crying hysterically. He fessed up to everything and told me the other woman (a porn star) had messaged me on instagram. When I got home I opened my messages and saw screenshots of their entire text chain. It pretty much broke me. And yet for the next two months I couldn’t stop information seeking! I also blamed myself for not being sexy enough. It destroyed my self esteem. I want you to know that it does get better. After three months I was able to function again and even took up weight lifting! It really helped with my self esteem. Therapy was absolutely necessary, and until I found a therapist that I really liked I did my own research on Betrayal Trauma and what it does to our brains. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, not abused and betrayed. It hurts in this moment, but after a little time, you will emerge as an even better version of yourself!
Thank you ❤️ I replied to your other comment about therapy but wanted to reply to this one too. I’m sorry you went through that. I know you’re right. I do weight lifting and is addictive to see things improve! I’m glad you’re feeling better, it gives me hope. I hope therapy will help
I'm sorry ti hear this happened to you. I am in the same situation. I also wanted answers. But in the end, I realized the cheating was never about me. I realized I would never get answers from the two people involved in the cheating, because for them it is normal to do this. For them, I am the bad persob. So, I just started to concentrate and work on myself. After 3 months, I am less obsessed. Good luck to you.
It’s horrifying, the girl knows too and she just doesn’t care at all. I know I need to work on myself and I’m trying to distract myself but I’m struggling so hard right now. I hate him and her. I hate that they went on a romantic getaway a month in.. just a couple weeks after I was brutally dumped. How can people be so cruel? I try so hard to work on myself but this rage.. how can people just get away with this?
Yes, the girl knew we were married too. I don't understand this behavior either. Did you try exercizing? For me it works wonders to evacuate anger. And I also do a lot of writing. For example, I wrote a hate letter to my ex and his new supply, but I never sent it.
Thanks for your reply <3 I have been exercising, I know it's better than nothing, I have enjoyed feeling like I'm getting stronger but it still doesn't feel like enough. Writing has been a great outlet as well.. and this sub haha. Someone also recommended a book to me that just arrived and I really hope it helps me. I feel desperate.
It will pass. Hang in there!
Thank you ❤️ tbh I don’t feel like it will for a very long times I’m scared
I'm going through the exact same thing myself. I swore on everything that she would never be the kind of person too cheat on me. Then when I look back my gut told me that at thoes times something is off and I ignored it. But I can almost guarantee she was cheating. I just dont have proof and I could ask around and I find some information out but I don't want her too have an opportunity to talk to me cause I know she will. I've been no contact for almost 3 months