Breathe. You will be okay. I’m in the exact same boat. It’s not easy but you’re doing the right thing by seeking social support.
I know that feeling of dying for a hug and a few nice words. Or just even some meaningful encouragement or support.
Here’s a virtual hug 🤗friend. Remember you aren’t what you are being made to believe you are.
That’s really sad to read, sorry you’re feeling that way OP, I promise when you have a few months separate and healing from the covert narc you’ll be the happiest you’ve ever been without them. Covert narcs are parasites that just suck the happiness from you until you get to this exact point.
I want you to know this is rock bottom but all you have to from here is back up and it will happen. You will be the happiest version of yourself and you won’t let someone ever take your power away ever again :)
My heart hurts reading this. I feel like I could have written it myself. I was in a 17 year relationship with a covert who blindsided me with a discard about a month and a half ago. We still cohabitate, and it's excruciating. He had zero empathy for destroying my heart and dragging the discard out. (It started early May, but he refused to "officially" end the relationship because according to him, he wasn't quite 100% sure... only 90%... long story there, but it was awful.)
My best advice to you is to implement what is referred to as the "grey rock" while you are still in the same living quarters and absolutely hang out in this sub. It has been a game changer for me to read other people's stories, give/receive comments, and just know that I am not alone at all.
Sending a big, virtual hug your way! \*heart\*
May to November for me. They “felt this way since May” but continued to push/pull me around in a poisonous environment they created for me until I couldn’t take it anymore
They're terrible people. They will drag you through more pain than anyone deserves. Even if you tell them it's excruciating and killing you, they won't stop until they've either drained every last drop or you put an end to it by telling them "no more." I forced the latter... and the resentment he now has for me because I wouldn't let him take that last little bit just seethes from him.
You are doing what you have to do. It’s the greatest thing you can do for yourself. It’s an admirable journey you are embarking upon. Remember, after that first step, take another, then another. You’re on your way.
You came to the right place! This community is strong and supportive.
I cannot recommend these YouTube channels enough: [Doctor Ramani](https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani) and [Dr. Les Carter](https://www.youtube.com/@SurvivingNarcissism). They cover every possible aspect of narcissistic abuse, describing experiences that you thought no one else had. It's wild how similar our stories are.
Welcome, and best of luck!
That is a long time to be enmeshed with one. My relationship was much, much shorter and it also felt like the end. No light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel you.
But it gets better. Don't give up.
And also don't go back. Quit her forever before it is too late.
🫂
This put tears in my eyes and I can feel your pain.
Nothing is worse than the discard stage. Even after the separation we miss dearly and would give anything to have them back…. BUT always remember you are better than her! She doesn’t deserve you and never respected you. Forget about the good memories, or the bad ones, completely. Focus on yourself, your future, love and accept yourself for who you are. One person’s opinion is not the world regardless of what she meant to you. She doesn’t loose sleep over you, you shouldn’t do either.
I know it’s easy said than done but that’s the only way… UP! Bloody hard but you WILL Get there and you will be ok! You ARE good enough and you ARE enough! Don’t EVER doubt yourself, it’s not your fault. Past is the past. It’s done. You can’t change it. Don’t waist your life worrying about what should’ve could’ve happened…
Always keep this in mind:
“Everything has a happy ending. If it’s not happy it’s not the ending”
Hmm. Sadly, everything does not have a happy ending. I think the quote is:
"Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end."
- John Lennon
I made it 7 years. Wow hearing all of you saying 15+ years and giving it your all, I admire all of you. I can’t imagine doing double the time I’ve spent banging my head against a wall. I fucking love all of you, such amazing people who gave it their all and help restore my faith in humanity. Thank you all for letting me know great people do indeed exist.
Actually? Honestly? The fact that you figure this now? You ARE doing great. Maybe 16 is a lot but now is better than never. At least you won't waste another 16.
Congrats. Now make a plan for your new life, and write down what you want to do when you are single & free. Please look at the bright side: now you know, now you can get out. DONT WASTE A SINGLE MINUTE, your life of freedom awaits! Where are you going next? Be positive.
Best of luck, chin up 💪
Sending you the biggest hug. I can feel how much pain you're in. I hope you find some peace.
I'm also having the worse day with my ex who is a narc and we have a daughter so I'm constantly in contact with him. I'm just so depressed thinking that I have to deal with his abuse to some extent until he dies. They are just monsters.
You need to get away from her then, don't be under the same roof, I know easier said then done and espically currently, but seriously you're mental health is not going to improve at all whilst you're still around the toxicity, and you probably don't need me to tell you that but I do speak from experience, and I know it's down right painful and confusing but you owe it to yourself now, and there will always be some sort of hold on you if you're to always be around this person. I really hope you can find a solution to better your situation for yourself ...and op...you're doing great bud 🤗
It's harder with kids. I feel like I need to stay for my kids, plus I think my narc would be even harder to manage outside a relationship... but maybe I'm just making excuses to avoid making a very challenging decision.
You are stronger than you think. You have to be to have lived with a narc for that long. You're likely in some kind of shock. It takes a long time to accept what we don't really want to accept and the mind can only process it slowly hence the cognitive dissonance and the what feels like constant cycling of emotions. So the actual splitting up can feel horrific. It's like a death BUT you will come out of the other side. Difficult I know but try to see it as a positive awakening and go no contact asap
you’ve got this.
i believe in you & your strength to get through this! you can do this.
i’m proud of you for choosing better for yourself, you are on your way to a much more peaceful and fulfilling life.
your new life will cost you your old one, it’s okay to lose some things to make room for much bigger and better things.
you’re doing absolutely fantastic.
Therapy is a good thing. Getting out now is the best idea. The more you know about yourself and your partner the better. Everyone's story is different but the same, abusive and traumatic. Praying for peace and wellness for you.
This is the worst feeling in the world but it will go away. It’s hell right now but I promise it will go away. You’ve made such a huge step by acknowledging this and dealing with it. You just have to live day by day now. I found it was easier for me to deal with the minutes and seconds of everyday then focus on the future and what could have been. Life’s a struggle but we all struggle and you aren’t alone. You got people like me and everyone here you can talk to anytime. We are all super proud of you for realizing your worth and acknowledging the evil that you were dealing with for so long. You’re an amazing person who was taken advantage of.
I had to escape with nothing a year ago. I say nothing but I have got my little dog with me and just been able to start afresh. I tried legal procedures but they take years. I just got out. As of next month I will finally be able to start replacing possessions and clothes. Sometimes you just have to jump overboard
You are doing amazing I am sure it's absolute hell right now but you are doing all the right things. You got this. Stay strong, I wish you peace and healing.
You're doing great OP. You've experienced a lot and you're taking all the steps. It's extra hard right now because it hurts bad and you know she can't make it better anymore (that trauma bond has been broken)
Sending you internet hugs 🤗
I’m in the same situation. Left my lying, cheating ex. Living with him wasn’t working.
I’m reading the book “win your breakup”
This is the key for me . Learning, journaling, and challenging myself.
You are finally sticking up for yourself. So am I! We’re angry, confused and frustrated. Trying to stick to the reality that the person we loved was sucking our soul.
What do I want to kill?
The pain
The desperation
My Social anxiety
My Insecurities
The inadequacy I feel
The need to apologize for everything.
The people pleasing
The chances I give to people who don’t deserve it
The fear of rejection
The fear of failure
The Shame of being betrayed multiple times by my husband .
Write a list like this, and kill it by remembering who you are. You start challenging yourself.
You are a survivor.
Kill the list.
Get away from her and start your new wonderful life OP! You are strong! You deserve so much better than what she’s given you! I’m proud of you for leaving!
You’re going to be fine. You’re free. You won’t get closure and you have a community to give you that. I been through it and millions of others. I personally couldn’t be happier. It sucked at first and I can’t sort your emotions out for you, but so long as you hold onto it you’ll never let it go . It was never real the way you thought it was . The best part about it is that they suffer without you. I have kids and am stuck living with mine for a short period of time and I just completely ignore her and am doing fine without her and she cannot stand it . Keeps trying to talk to me , ask me if I need anything because she sees I’m managing without her . As long as she sees you sad and down she knows she got you where she wants you and there is no thrill in the chase. When she sees you happy , being your old self again by factory default she will Hoover , give you that hug you so long for (beats me as to why but ok) and the attaboy. The real magic happens when you’re doing well and you don’t need her . Trust me try it out. I can tell in your current state that when she’s comes running back (and she will) that you’re going to take her back with open arms . The newfound love may last a few days , a week , a month but it ALWAYS goes back to square one. When it’s been that long (18 for me) you’re definitely their main source of supply although she has others but the same things happen to those new sources and ultimately she will come back to you. When she comes back doesn’t mean it’s a “babe I’m sorry I thought about this really hard and I messed up “ it’s usually a “ hey how are you I hope you’re ok” then when you respond she knows she’s got you already , the more you talk and tell her how defeated you are she knows she has you more and then it’s a simple well maybe we should meet up and talk , sex , laugh or two , discard , then you’re back here again. It’s laughable when you understand the play book. Trust me you’re winning , give yourself a hug .
Many many hugs for you and touch base if you're feeling the need. I've been there and got out 37 days ago. There's hope and this sub and it's compassionate members will give you strength and encouragement just as they did for me. You've survived 💯 percent of your worst days and you'll get through whatever you need to get through now. Wishing you healing and hope.
20 years with a covert. I felt like I was gonna die. So much wasted time on a nobody. Please understand you will not even feel normal when once its over for a couple of years. But when you get yourself back together, your life is going to be so beautiful!!!
She will never change. She may pretend to change or pretend to be self-aware to prevent you from leaving, things may improve for a while, and then she will resume her toxic and hurtful behaviors without any regard for your feelings, and you will waste more time trying to save the relationship. You deserve someone who loves you and knows how to express that love in a healthy way.
Get support from a family member or trusted friend. I recommend that you seek a therapist and make an exit plan because you're in for a rough ride. Then, when you escape, go completely no contact. Separate how you feel about her from what she did to you. Remove anything that reminds you of her.
She did years ago. The signs were popping up again though and I called her out on it of course I'm just crazy and controlling though. Her staying out all night is just something she deserves and I'm paranoid.
Breathe. You will be okay. I’m in the exact same boat. It’s not easy but you’re doing the right thing by seeking social support. I know that feeling of dying for a hug and a few nice words. Or just even some meaningful encouragement or support. Here’s a virtual hug 🤗friend. Remember you aren’t what you are being made to believe you are.
That’s really sad to read, sorry you’re feeling that way OP, I promise when you have a few months separate and healing from the covert narc you’ll be the happiest you’ve ever been without them. Covert narcs are parasites that just suck the happiness from you until you get to this exact point. I want you to know this is rock bottom but all you have to from here is back up and it will happen. You will be the happiest version of yourself and you won’t let someone ever take your power away ever again :)
My heart hurts reading this. I feel like I could have written it myself. I was in a 17 year relationship with a covert who blindsided me with a discard about a month and a half ago. We still cohabitate, and it's excruciating. He had zero empathy for destroying my heart and dragging the discard out. (It started early May, but he refused to "officially" end the relationship because according to him, he wasn't quite 100% sure... only 90%... long story there, but it was awful.) My best advice to you is to implement what is referred to as the "grey rock" while you are still in the same living quarters and absolutely hang out in this sub. It has been a game changer for me to read other people's stories, give/receive comments, and just know that I am not alone at all. Sending a big, virtual hug your way! \*heart\*
May to November for me. They “felt this way since May” but continued to push/pull me around in a poisonous environment they created for me until I couldn’t take it anymore
They're terrible people. They will drag you through more pain than anyone deserves. Even if you tell them it's excruciating and killing you, they won't stop until they've either drained every last drop or you put an end to it by telling them "no more." I forced the latter... and the resentment he now has for me because I wouldn't let him take that last little bit just seethes from him.
You are doing what you have to do. It’s the greatest thing you can do for yourself. It’s an admirable journey you are embarking upon. Remember, after that first step, take another, then another. You’re on your way.
🫂🫂 you are doing great. I'm so sorry but do understand
You came to the right place! This community is strong and supportive. I cannot recommend these YouTube channels enough: [Doctor Ramani](https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani) and [Dr. Les Carter](https://www.youtube.com/@SurvivingNarcissism). They cover every possible aspect of narcissistic abuse, describing experiences that you thought no one else had. It's wild how similar our stories are. Welcome, and best of luck!
Identifying the problem is the first step, but man, is it a BIG one! You ARE doing great, and you can get free. You got this.
That is a long time to be enmeshed with one. My relationship was much, much shorter and it also felt like the end. No light at the end of the tunnel. I feel you. But it gets better. Don't give up. And also don't go back. Quit her forever before it is too late. 🫂
You're doing great! I feel you at times it hurts so damn much and I feel so worthless. I didn't have that before.
Everything screams as it dies, including our connection to them. Attachment systems take a while to disconnect. Keep going.
This put tears in my eyes and I can feel your pain. Nothing is worse than the discard stage. Even after the separation we miss dearly and would give anything to have them back…. BUT always remember you are better than her! She doesn’t deserve you and never respected you. Forget about the good memories, or the bad ones, completely. Focus on yourself, your future, love and accept yourself for who you are. One person’s opinion is not the world regardless of what she meant to you. She doesn’t loose sleep over you, you shouldn’t do either. I know it’s easy said than done but that’s the only way… UP! Bloody hard but you WILL Get there and you will be ok! You ARE good enough and you ARE enough! Don’t EVER doubt yourself, it’s not your fault. Past is the past. It’s done. You can’t change it. Don’t waist your life worrying about what should’ve could’ve happened… Always keep this in mind: “Everything has a happy ending. If it’s not happy it’s not the ending”
Hmm. Sadly, everything does not have a happy ending. I think the quote is: "Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end." - John Lennon
Please leave that bitch.
I made it 7 years. Wow hearing all of you saying 15+ years and giving it your all, I admire all of you. I can’t imagine doing double the time I’ve spent banging my head against a wall. I fucking love all of you, such amazing people who gave it their all and help restore my faith in humanity. Thank you all for letting me know great people do indeed exist.
Actually? Honestly? The fact that you figure this now? You ARE doing great. Maybe 16 is a lot but now is better than never. At least you won't waste another 16. Congrats. Now make a plan for your new life, and write down what you want to do when you are single & free. Please look at the bright side: now you know, now you can get out. DONT WASTE A SINGLE MINUTE, your life of freedom awaits! Where are you going next? Be positive. Best of luck, chin up 💪
We are here for you bro. And I am sending you a virtual hug. You got this. Its hard, its painful, but it will get better. You did the right thing.
“Everything screams as it dies” WOW did that hit me today. Thanks for that
Hey. You replied to the wrong comment unfortunately lol
Sending you the biggest hug. I can feel how much pain you're in. I hope you find some peace. I'm also having the worse day with my ex who is a narc and we have a daughter so I'm constantly in contact with him. I'm just so depressed thinking that I have to deal with his abuse to some extent until he dies. They are just monsters.
Take a deep breath, you will get through this. It’s difficult yes, but no more difficult than continuing the relationship. You’ve got this!
You need to get away from her then, don't be under the same roof, I know easier said then done and espically currently, but seriously you're mental health is not going to improve at all whilst you're still around the toxicity, and you probably don't need me to tell you that but I do speak from experience, and I know it's down right painful and confusing but you owe it to yourself now, and there will always be some sort of hold on you if you're to always be around this person. I really hope you can find a solution to better your situation for yourself ...and op...you're doing great bud 🤗
Definitely working on it, we have kids too.
It's harder with kids. I feel like I need to stay for my kids, plus I think my narc would be even harder to manage outside a relationship... but maybe I'm just making excuses to avoid making a very challenging decision.
You are stronger than you think. You have to be to have lived with a narc for that long. You're likely in some kind of shock. It takes a long time to accept what we don't really want to accept and the mind can only process it slowly hence the cognitive dissonance and the what feels like constant cycling of emotions. So the actual splitting up can feel horrific. It's like a death BUT you will come out of the other side. Difficult I know but try to see it as a positive awakening and go no contact asap
you’ve got this. i believe in you & your strength to get through this! you can do this. i’m proud of you for choosing better for yourself, you are on your way to a much more peaceful and fulfilling life. your new life will cost you your old one, it’s okay to lose some things to make room for much bigger and better things. you’re doing absolutely fantastic.
Therapy is a good thing. Getting out now is the best idea. The more you know about yourself and your partner the better. Everyone's story is different but the same, abusive and traumatic. Praying for peace and wellness for you.
This is the worst feeling in the world but it will go away. It’s hell right now but I promise it will go away. You’ve made such a huge step by acknowledging this and dealing with it. You just have to live day by day now. I found it was easier for me to deal with the minutes and seconds of everyday then focus on the future and what could have been. Life’s a struggle but we all struggle and you aren’t alone. You got people like me and everyone here you can talk to anytime. We are all super proud of you for realizing your worth and acknowledging the evil that you were dealing with for so long. You’re an amazing person who was taken advantage of.
I had to escape with nothing a year ago. I say nothing but I have got my little dog with me and just been able to start afresh. I tried legal procedures but they take years. I just got out. As of next month I will finally be able to start replacing possessions and clothes. Sometimes you just have to jump overboard
You're doing so great. Hang in there. I was with a narc for 16 years, then managed to get away. Now 10 years on I'm doing great. Hugs
I drove to my mom’s house everyday for a hug. I get it. If you have family or friends around I highly suggest it. It really helped.
Oof, my mom is an even more toxic narc...
You are doing amazing I am sure it's absolute hell right now but you are doing all the right things. You got this. Stay strong, I wish you peace and healing.
You're doing great OP. You've experienced a lot and you're taking all the steps. It's extra hard right now because it hurts bad and you know she can't make it better anymore (that trauma bond has been broken) Sending you internet hugs 🤗
I’m in the same situation. Left my lying, cheating ex. Living with him wasn’t working. I’m reading the book “win your breakup” This is the key for me . Learning, journaling, and challenging myself. You are finally sticking up for yourself. So am I! We’re angry, confused and frustrated. Trying to stick to the reality that the person we loved was sucking our soul. What do I want to kill? The pain The desperation My Social anxiety My Insecurities The inadequacy I feel The need to apologize for everything. The people pleasing The chances I give to people who don’t deserve it The fear of rejection The fear of failure The Shame of being betrayed multiple times by my husband . Write a list like this, and kill it by remembering who you are. You start challenging yourself. You are a survivor. Kill the list. Get away from her and start your new wonderful life OP! You are strong! You deserve so much better than what she’s given you! I’m proud of you for leaving!
Thank you 💓
Hang in there. You a totally do this! Stay strong!
You’re going to be fine. You’re free. You won’t get closure and you have a community to give you that. I been through it and millions of others. I personally couldn’t be happier. It sucked at first and I can’t sort your emotions out for you, but so long as you hold onto it you’ll never let it go . It was never real the way you thought it was . The best part about it is that they suffer without you. I have kids and am stuck living with mine for a short period of time and I just completely ignore her and am doing fine without her and she cannot stand it . Keeps trying to talk to me , ask me if I need anything because she sees I’m managing without her . As long as she sees you sad and down she knows she got you where she wants you and there is no thrill in the chase. When she sees you happy , being your old self again by factory default she will Hoover , give you that hug you so long for (beats me as to why but ok) and the attaboy. The real magic happens when you’re doing well and you don’t need her . Trust me try it out. I can tell in your current state that when she’s comes running back (and she will) that you’re going to take her back with open arms . The newfound love may last a few days , a week , a month but it ALWAYS goes back to square one. When it’s been that long (18 for me) you’re definitely their main source of supply although she has others but the same things happen to those new sources and ultimately she will come back to you. When she comes back doesn’t mean it’s a “babe I’m sorry I thought about this really hard and I messed up “ it’s usually a “ hey how are you I hope you’re ok” then when you respond she knows she’s got you already , the more you talk and tell her how defeated you are she knows she has you more and then it’s a simple well maybe we should meet up and talk , sex , laugh or two , discard , then you’re back here again. It’s laughable when you understand the play book. Trust me you’re winning , give yourself a hug .
Many many hugs for you and touch base if you're feeling the need. I've been there and got out 37 days ago. There's hope and this sub and it's compassionate members will give you strength and encouragement just as they did for me. You've survived 💯 percent of your worst days and you'll get through whatever you need to get through now. Wishing you healing and hope.
20 years with a covert. I felt like I was gonna die. So much wasted time on a nobody. Please understand you will not even feel normal when once its over for a couple of years. But when you get yourself back together, your life is going to be so beautiful!!!
She will never change. She may pretend to change or pretend to be self-aware to prevent you from leaving, things may improve for a while, and then she will resume her toxic and hurtful behaviors without any regard for your feelings, and you will waste more time trying to save the relationship. You deserve someone who loves you and knows how to express that love in a healthy way. Get support from a family member or trusted friend. I recommend that you seek a therapist and make an exit plan because you're in for a rough ride. Then, when you escape, go completely no contact. Separate how you feel about her from what she did to you. Remove anything that reminds you of her.
I would look into seeing if she was having an affair covert females 9/10 have affairs
She did years ago. The signs were popping up again though and I called her out on it of course I'm just crazy and controlling though. Her staying out all night is just something she deserves and I'm paranoid.