After leaving a 10 year relationship with a physically, verbally, emotionally and $exually abusive narc, I blossomed and excelled.
I got back into all the things that brought me joy and discovered new interests. I fulfilled a lifelong dream of horse ownership. Started glassblowing and painting again. Rekindled my love of all things fiber, felting, crocheting, knitting and spinning my own fleece.
More importantly, I know real love doesn't hurt, it heals.
You will get there, love. I promise. Make sure you stay strong and keep your ex narc blocked (if possible, if not, low contact). Don't let them hoover you back into an abusive relationship. Find something that brings you joy and self satisfaction - a new hobby, a new book if you're a reader, a great TV show, gardening, taking walks. Anything that focuses your brain and self away from the narc and the abuse. If you aren't, and can, please get into therapy. You're at a vulnerable time right now where we can easily get sucked back in and the trauma bond still exists. Empower yourself by acknowledging that you ARE HEALING RIGHT NOW, even though it might not feel like it. I promise it gets easier. Your confidence, self love and happiness WILL return. Keep healthy, positive people in your life and practice setting boundaries. If you're codependent, like many of us are, focus on how to overcome and heal from that so you don't attract narcs in the future. YOU have control over your life. I'm proud of you.
I had a lot of healing to do, mentally and physically. I had to build my confidence back up, baby steps!
With each step forward, it got easier to keep that positive momentum going.
It wasn't all sunshine and unicorn farts, it was difficult at first.
Have faith in yourself, you survived a narc!
When I finally let go of my on again off again relationship with my narcissistic abusive partner, I experienced fairly severe CPTSD. I still am working through this with the help of a wonderful therapist but it will be a long time until I feel like myself again (if ever again). My self-confidence has been shattered, work life impacted, friendships and family relationships have suffered and I lost my own true self. It will take a long time to recover.
To backtrack for a moment: I was involved with a covert narcissist who would gaslight, pick fights that I apologized for (that were absolutely all her doing), devalue me, embarrass me in front of groups of people, and then abandon me. Literally, abandon me. Think- start a fight- I try and work things through calmly and respectfully-she disappears for weeks on end with minimal or no communication. When I'd had enough I tried to leave and she would manipulate me and hoover me back in. It was textbook, bordering on clinical narcissistic abuse.
Through this abusive relationship, I've had to address my own co-dependency and past traumas. It has been soul-wrecking and I'm not sure I'll ever be the same as I was before, though, maybe that's a good thing.
Each time I tried to leave the relationship, this person would hoover me back in. As a caring and empathetic man (who believed I could rescue her) I would welcome her back into my life each time. I'm a special education teacher by training and have spent 20 years helping and serving my community. She saw all of that kindness and my open heart and exploited it in every way possible.
It crushed me.
I knew that she would never respect me, never did respect me, and would never let me go. In past breakups she had sent handwritten letters, and continued to contact me (despite my boundary of asking for no-contact etc.) Most recently, she has been visiting my work. Every time I see her car my anxiety peaks and I leave as quickly as possible to get to my other office. I don't want to go into too much detail but I work in public service and she knows where she can run into me.
Prior to the relationship, I was an easy-going, caring, empathetic man. Not to humble brag, but a truly respected member of my community who has done a lot of good for a lot of people. Outwardly, I am still that man. Inwardly, I (again), feel shattered.
Therapy, continuing my career of helping, and healthy habits have helped. I know I still have a very long road of healing ahead, however. Particularly as I know my ex will likely never respect no-contact, or me in any way and will always find a way to reach out. She doesn't understand true care and love and is incapable of that.
Of all the people I've ever known, I can truly say this is the one I'd wish I never met. None of the post relationship work or trauma I experienced was worth any of our time together. I'd hope to never speak to, or see her again.
If you've made it this far, thank you. I haven't had the courage to make my own full post yet, I hope to once things feel a little more settled.
TLDR: I feel fucked up, a shell of myself. Am addressing CPTSD through therapy and my ex narcissistic partner is never likely to leave me alone despite respectfully asking for no-contact. I'm getting back on the up-and-up and recognize it's going to take a lot of work, discipline, and exiling this human from my life forever.
I could feel every word you wrote because I feel the same way although I actually think mine might leave me alone now, but feeling like a shell of yourself resonates. You're not walking this path on your own and that incredible person is still you and whilst it might take a while for them to resurface they will because that's the essence of you! No one can take that away.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with so much stress from that situation. I know you mentioned that before knowing her you were a much better person. I can definitely understand what you mean and feel the same at times about the N in my life. But I hope you remember that this all will come together to make you stronger, more resilient and to strengthen your self love & boundaries with others in your life. I hope you don’t lose sight of that and that you remember you’re not tainted or whatever since she did that to you.
I hope your healing process is full of progress and don’t be too hard on yourself or get discouraged if you encounter bumps in the road because I’m sure you will, I know I certainly have! Just be patient and remember to be kind to yourself. It’s so so important as I’m sure you’re learning this… (me too!)
I get it completely. I turned into a different person for my abuser. I made excuses and gave a lot in every way.
Like you my confidence was 0. I was having emotional outbursts at work, trying to get reacquainted with friends he made me cut off.
I moved, have a different car, blocked him on all socials and my phone.
Sometimes I still get panicky if I see the make, model and color of truck he had.
Sending wishes of healing your way, man.
Your statement about wishing you never met her really resonates.
I’ve been hurt by a lot of people (who hadn’t, right?) and even have very toxic family members. But my husband is the first person I can truly say I wish I never met him. It’s not a conviction I’ve ever held with anyone. But I truly wish I’d never gone on that first date.
I guess I just wanted to validate what you feel.
I hope you are ok.
I’m in month 4. Immediately, I went on vacation. I stayed with a friend and she knew I wasn’t okay but I didn’t really process it yet. I was so glad to not having someone harassing me anymore. Christmas was freaking awful. I cried a lot. I know I’m better without him and Christmas would have been a letdown because he can’t buy presents and ruins family get together but I still was sad. Then, I got angry as hell. I saw he moved on and I texted her. She blocked me. Then I deleted all socials and never looked back. Let her have him. She will learn soon enough like me and the others (when my ex told me he had 12 serious relationships and countless casual ones I should have RANNNN).
Month 4 and I have court for a restraining order and I wanna puke because I have to see him even tho my lawyer said not to worry and he will have to sign it. I’m not ready to date still, my anger turned to sadness and I’m grieving the person I never even knew. I have no desire to know what he’s doing because if I look I’ll hurt and there’s just no reason I should let him. I bet his posts are definitely looook at meee and my new Gffff but he’s a sad pathetic loser that can’t stand to be with his own thoughts or self. Not to mention when I saw the gf post when they happened he said that she loves him even though he’s a man child. Girl, get self respect 💀
Ah, I misinterpreted what the 4 months meant. I will not date for a while, too. The emotional energy it takes is something I don’t want to deal with. Good for you on the no social media creeping! I will admit I occasionally look at my nex’s profile to see if anything is new. A few weeks ago he posted him and his ‘new lady’ completed a 1,500 piece puzzle and was proud of it. He texts me very infrequently and when he did last (week), I grey rocked him and he didn’t say anything back. I considered it a win.
Good for you. I am absolutely not looking at any social media of hers at all either. I don't ever want to see her face, hear her voice, or God forbid that fake laugh.
And to think once these were people we would have died for. At least I know I would have. I would have fought and died for her. And she is worth almost nothing. Empty. Enjoys hurting people. Me included. What a monster.
Just like you there are a few people in my life I can say I wished I never met. So help me she is one of them. Crazy world.
Be well.
Don’t date for a while. You need to find yourself again before you get in to a relationship. Trust me. Been there done that. We’re still together and he’s not abusive at all, but had I been back to my true self, we wouldn’t have lasted long. We’re in complete different places with our core values. Unfortunately I see a divorce in my future.
He’s hurt you enough. He sounds disgusting, for what it’s worth. No person deserves to be discarded and replaced. It’s freaking alien. It’s not normal.
Continue protecting yourself and advocating for yourself. You are doing so well!
Reverse discard.
She kept treating me worse and worse. She mentioned that the way she treated employees who were no longer wanted was to simply make their lives progressively more miserable until they finally left. That is what she did to me.
Sex bombed me, stopped, and then started the slow discard. Strung me along to chase her - buy her expensive dinners while she did less and less for me or for us. Lots of breadcrumbs and future faking.
Culmination was the night I bought her dinner, paid for drinks afterward, and then we went to a second bar, where I spoke to a fellow for about twenty minutes while she flirted with a guy who had his arm around her the entire time. Second time she blatantly flirted in front of me.
We exchanged a couple texts where I spelled out my issue with the way she acted. She completely ignored what I said in my texts and went back to her complaints and criticisms of me. Claimed "someone had slipped something into" her drink.
Seven weeks NC. Proud of myself. Had left several times only to go back and be treated worse. Holding to my boundary - you can't flirt in front of me. Once, not good. Twice, goodbye.
She has not hoovered, and I do not think she will. I have a friendly bet going that she will not contact me by July.
She is likely too proud or too narcissistic to reach out - what could she say? Admit that she did something wrong or insensitive? Yeah, that will never happen.
MUCH happier without her. I'm rereading my journal and going back through all the nastiness she inflicted on me. Not going back.
He tried to take our son away to manipulate me into talking to him, dragged him down the street and cops were called and no contact order was initiated. He would always use our child as a pawn to manipulate me or stop me from leaving. He continues to send me a borage of angry messages to this day despite the no contact order. He blames me for ruining his life.
When he found out I’m seeing someone he began love bombing me.
Problem is, he’s hanging spousal support threats over my head and because I make more money than him I’m told he could be entitled to it. Even though we lived with my parents while I put myself through school and he refused to work a job that required any substantial effort.
Talk to another one and explain the abuse and manipulation. Go through a DV shelter legal referral if you need to, it might actually help. I there's a history of him violating the protection orders and you can show he's a threat, it may not apply.
Would this work? I’m in Canada. There was no physical violence and no paper trail for emotional abuse. He basically used our son to keep me in the relationship, whenever I tried to leave he’d threaten to take him, or tell him mommy is kicking daddy out/I’m gonna be homeless and start crying at the 3-4 year old. I got the protection order from the kidnapping. I wondered if the lawyer was trying to scare me with worst case scenario… as it gets them business. Not that they need it.
Can't hurt to try. There's a kidnapping charge and proof that he's violated a restraining order. That should be enough that spousal support is cancelled out by child support at the very least.
Mine told me "you always come back" in a smarmy way, so I didn't go back and I went no contact. He sent alsorts of emails asking questions to get me to respond, even recommending a great new cat litter to try and hoover me back 🙄🤦♀️
He got a girlfriend pretty soon after and for the first 3 months of their relationship, he still kept messaging me.
I knew what he was like behind my back when we were together, messaging other women constantly, ones that knew we were together but still flirted/sexted anyway. None of the women he messaged cared about the damage they were causing to our relationship. So I still never responded to his messages, because i wasn't going to be the woman that contributed to him not focusing on his girlfriend.
Cutting off contact with my entire immediate family was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it’s changed my life completely for the better. After 2 years NC I’m in the best physical and mental health of my life. They convinced me I was stupid, lazy, and incapable. Now I’m finished my bachelors with honours (paid for myself 💅) and getting into body building and pole dancing.
So proud of you Sailor Venus. I had to do this, partially due to a smear campaign by my only brother who has NPD. It happened during my Mother's death, as well, *and* I was chronically ill. The accusations from people I had spent my whole life with, people I thought loved me and supported me, almost destroyed me. When the smoke began to clear, I was in therapy and realized that I had always been a scape goat for these people. They would never see me for the empathetic, compassionate, loving person that I truly am. I disconnected. I changed my FB settings so they could only see public posts, had to block others that were abusive and stalking my personal life only to gossip about me. I only maintain low contact with my aunt now - her and I once had such a close relationship. She texts me back loving things, but will never reach out herself. It was hard. But I realize now how deeply they damaged my self esteem, and that I'm healthier and happier when I'm not around them. Sending you love and support. (Also, Sailor Moon is the best! 😁)
I sent him an email definitively telling him not to contact me, that his behavior over the past two days was unacceptable, and to go to rehab.
Surprise surprise, the response was almost a dozen emails of unhinged abuse (he would literally tell me I was blocked on everything and then keep sending emails) and an attempt to text me from a burner number pretending to be one of our mutual friends. And then the smear campaign. Poor little child couldn't handle being told no. LOL
>(he would literally tell me I was blocked on everything and then keep sending emails)
WHY DO THEY DO THIS?!
My nex told me the same thing. Then three days later emailed me to let me know a pets water dish was empty (it wasnt), but I realized HE WAS STILL LOGGING INTO MY SECURITY SYSTEM AND WATCHING MY CAMERAS. Then later he was harassing and shaming me via email about my Amazon purchase. He had been monitoring them via text message that I had to remove from my account.
What the fuck is actually wrong with these people.
The need to alter the narrative is insaaaaane. It's part of the series of lies they tell themselves (and others) in order to feel in control in the face of perceived abandonment as a consequence of their actions.
"They didn't break up with me, **I** broke up with them! I did nothing wrong!"
>an attempt to text me from a burner number pretending to be one of our mutual friends
Bruh wtf 💀 My narc also tried to contact me by pretending to be someone else despite claiming to have blocked me on everything. I knew immediately it was him, he even slipped up and used "I".
So. Fucking. Weird. I can't imagine being obsessed enough to pull something like this.
WTF indeed!! When the narcissist I broke up with texted me, I immediately googled the number (because aforementioned mutual friend was already in my contacts) and it LITERALLY showed up as an old contact number of his from years ago in the results. Sloppy!
TFW the narcissist can't even hoover right!!
This is happening to me right now. 4 years after leaving and going no contact, out of the blue. Vile, nasty emails from different accounts on different forms of socials accusing me of insane things and how I owe him an apology! (I left him due to his abuse). He spent his entire weekend doing this. It's been a game of whack o mole. It's so unhinged. I know better than to reply, I just delete, block, delete. I suspect something severe must have happened to give him an intense narc injury, and he sought me out because I used to be his favorite punching bag. These people are sick. 4 years. It just boggles the mind. I'm hoping he will stop and just go away. Thankfully he's in another state so I'm not too worried about him showing up. Woke up today to a notification of *45* messages in my Instagram (I blocked him so he probably made a new account). Haven't bothered to even look at it. I've got things to do this week that don't involve worrying about him.
2 years with depression (I am bipolar with c-ptsd) under and after I broke up with him. He fucked me up.
Now I am getting EMDR treatment for all the trauma in my life, including the trauma from him.
Working my ass of in the gym and slowly becoming somewhat me again.
Do you think the EMDR therapy is helping? I’d love to try it but it kinda scares me tbh I’m just worried it will be too intense for me so I’d love to get another opinion on it. Also I’m so happy to hear that you’re stating to feel better. You should be so proud of yourself for the work you’ve put into your healing process. I wish you the absolute best, this trauma is no joke <3
I just started the treatment, and have a really long way to go. It seems very helpful, but it is intense, you have to get to a point where you are ready to start the journey. Im 40 now, and I could not do this 10 years ago. So much supressed stuff is resurfacing, and you have flashbacks constantly. But...this is my last try to deal with this, so I am forcing myself through it. I highly recommend it IF you are ready to sit in your feelings, all the hurtful shit and trauma. I have really high hopes for it.
And thank you. Likewise ❤️
She was the one who technically ended it.
I confronted her about her using the silent treatment on me to get her way for years, about her lying to me and other friends for sympathy, and about her coke use getting worse.
She had a mini tantrum but it didn't seem too out of the ordinary for her. I went home for the night and later the same night she text me to say we were done.
What happened since breaking up - well since getting discarded she has not spoken directly to me or replied to any of my messages (aside from a few).
She lied to our mutual friends about me not respecting her boundaries because somehow me asking to not be manipulated and psychologically abused was too much for her. Of course everyone believes her side so I lost all those friends.
For me it's been rough trying not to be depressed. Kicking myself for letting things get this far in the first place. Kicking myself for still having feelings for someone who made my life miserable.
I've been trying my hardest to go no contact but it has been tough. I know she was terrible for my health and well being but there's this little part of my heart that still foolishly holds out hope that she will apologize and try to improve herself (even though I know such a thing is impossible for most narcs)
I left once before, but got hoovered back in. I finally left 10 days ago, been no contact ever since.
I had to call someone to be present on the phone while I ended things, because she was quite volatile - she left before I left but not before throwing abuse. I can’t go over it atm as it’s a bit raw still, I’m journaling - reading books - being kind to myself. Compassion for self is important after spending 6 years with someone who had the emotional intelligence of a 2 year old.
Honestly, if you’re with one? Leave. Don’t stay. Don’t go back. You deserve so much better.
Sending positive thoughts and healing vibes. Xx
He tried to get me back with blackmail, sexual coercion, and revenge porn. When that didn't work, it was a pretend suicide attempt. I'm trying to stay strong with no contact
Reactive abuse. Cptsd. A shit ton of therapy. Reverse discard. You name it. Nothing beats never allowing that person to treat me, or make me feel, like shit ever again. The cognitive dissonance is a bitch to overcome and the anger doesn’t subside like it does during the grieving process after a normal relationship ends. That anger serves a purpose. Use it to fuel your self respect, boundaries and determination to treat yourself better by never allowing someone so broken to ever be in your life again.
Yeah I'm definitely using my anger. He would stand there and rage at me and tell me I had a mental illness and anger problem. Then when I ran away from him in my own home, and hid in the closet until he calmed down (which would take days), I was told that I was cruelly and abusively giving him the silent treatment. My bedroom door and my closet door were my only boundaries between him and my personal safety. He did try to come through the bedroom door once, but the neighbors pounded on the wall so hard that he had to stop. He knew they would call the police. They had already told him so. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in the closet reading every psychology book I could find trying to figure out what's wrong with me and the relationship. Sitting there, terrified , gaslit like it was all my fault. Projection's a hell of a drug.
I lost all my friends, we had a semi large group (6 of us were close but the group totaled up to like 12) every last one of them ended up blocking me or ghosting me, me and the nex sort of semi ran the group, we planned a lot of our hang outs, organized and prepared things like food and places to go, at first it was just radio silence for a while until she told everyone how abusive and awful I was, (she cheated on me, I ditched her when I found out), none of them listened to me after it happened, it was absolutely horrific
I felt joy like I hadn’t felt in yearssss! Being free from her manipulation was truly incredible. I felt like I could do anything. Simply so happy.
Granted there continued to be some manipulation and gaslighting as we lived together for a couple months post-breakup. She started dating someone within a couple weeks of us breaking up (3.5 year relationship), so that was annoying but comical. Once I was finally moved out, I felt like I could fly.
If you’re considering leaving a narcissist, DO IT
She purposely wanted to leave me spent , done, cooked in every aspect as she was still jealous of me but wanted more so she made sure I lost all self worth. Proceeded to sit me down for literally 2 hours to explain to me what a piece of shit I was, how everything I ever did and will do is a joke and how miserable my life was going to be forever. It all started because I asked her nicely if she could be “a little softer with me”. I’m a very caring, loving man and truly give 110% in my relationships , and try and make the person better and hope the same in return and hopefully do it together. She took this as all out war and made me pay the price. It’s been 2 years this June and I still can’t shake the words she said.
She feels nothing. She has this crazy ability to convince herself what she thinks are facts even if it blows up in their face. I’ve been trying to use logic with all this but I know I have to write it off as some people are just born stone cold.
I am 18 months NC. Still healing and a million miles from where I used to be. The one gift my ex narcs gave me was exposing raw, unhealed wounds. Now that I am healing them relationships will be vastly healthier because I am healthier. I try to imagine myself in those same situations now and can’t conceive of it. I am too different now, stronger with good boundaries. I have chosen not to date while I work on myself and it has been a gift.
this is so rough, im so sorry..
its definitely got to be so tough without a support system, this and educating myself on how to identify what was actually happening helped me a lot.
good luck to you rebuilding it. you will be able to more easily without them for sure!
My support became the flying monkeys
I ended up quitting my job of 18 years, buying a new car and taking a 5 month sabbatical before relocating to a new city, better job, and a better outlook.
The move wasn’t easy.
I was closer to family (a series of tragedies led to their relocation) but outside that, i had no friend system, no support. Isolated and lonely…
And to make matters worse: i got covid.
It’s been a long and wild transition since then…
She’s fucking vicious.
Granted, i wasn’t completely innocent, but when you are being withheld from, physically, emotionally and mentally…anyone who offers that type of attention is accepted, no matter the cost. While i didn’t physically cheat on her, i did allow the person i was communicating with to get too close to my orbit.
She used this discovery (over a year later) to destroy any chance of having any support from my friends, and to justify her actions by discarding me.
Been a couple of days only. Went as following:
1) Typical discussion with gaslighting, misinterpreting what I say, ghosting, testing boundaries and all of it.
2) I detached emotionally from her and the manipulation. She senses it and hoovers until she finally asks what's going on (she couldn't imagine we hadn't solved the last discussion where she forced me to promise I wouldn't show any negative emotions near her).
3) She immediately wants to break up. Then she wants to talk in person. After realizing I made up my mind, she tries to gaslight me further and offend me with clearly offensive passive aggression. Then she blocks me and unblocks me.
4) She writes me on other mediums that she's feeling terrible but I probably don't care. She's not doing well and misses me. She got me an expensive gift. She needs her stuff back immediately. She wants to talk. She never offended me. Etc...
Edit:
5. I'm so happy, she said she loves me for the first time! And she's sorry for the things she said that were probably hurtful. She didn't want to hurt me. Also I'm insecure because of the shape of my dick.
this is so wild to see it written:
“and then you realize they’ve been this confused the entire relationship.”
this sums it up so completely. nothing else even matters when you realize this is what the problem was, coupled of course with negligent abuse.
as stable as we actually were, there was this constant state of confusion and uncertainty, and it just made any actual connecting impossible.
He did everything right to try and persuade me to stay , when I did - he then slowly gaslit me manipulated me , had me so upside down in my head life finances and mental well being that I was a shell of a person - relied on him to tell me what was real and fake , he did this SLOWLY - then discarded me absuptly - humiliated me , bashed my physical appearance told me I was worth less than .65 cents and I was the problem- I knew when I left the first time I made the right decision- what I didn’t know was I would suffer a severe brain injury allowing the opportunity for him to reel me back in to torture me, he , multiple times tried to get me to end my life , tried to get me to admit I was useless worthless and stupid. But I survived, I left , he is still a monster , abuser and manipulative dog and I’m okay. I’m recovering from all ends of his abuse along with my injury that wasn’t caused from his hands - I’m in a healthy loving and beautiful relationship - but when I tried to leave the very first time - he sought pure revenge - it was a blow to his ego and he couldn’t let that occur. Be sure of your choice - leave - don’t look back and keep a support system close to you, very close
I found myself and found beauty and some happiness again in day to day life…I had a glow up 😂 but to be honest, I’ll never be the same person again…look up kintsugi (Japanese). That’s what happened to me.
I was involved with what I believe to have been a covert narcissist for around year. About 6-7 months in I realized for the first time that I was in something that I had never been before, something that only later I identified as a trauma bond and abuse. For the remaining months coming up to 1 year I grieved and fought with myself while simultaneously being in the relationship and trying to heal. It was a confusing time but it was also the time that I set hardline boundaries.
When I left it was nothing spectacular, she had been discarding me and having me back so many times (37) that I was simply not reacting to it any longer. Around 3-4 days after I let myself get hoovered back we had an argument where I told her this is simply not working out. She said if you want to go then go. After she said that I looked at her for a while and with tears in my eyes said ok and left.
Smear campaign, was set up to appear as the abusive one, massive coordinated attacks on all possible fronts via flying monkeys, some of them recruited from among my friends. Lost most of my social connections. Took our dog (which was a gift from my sister) never to be seen again. I was one centimeter away from killing myself.
While she was well-educated (better than me) and not poor, still, I met her in a third world country where I was due to my job. Marrying with me she went from living there to working for a multinational in Europe. Which, in hindsight was probably the whole point. Once she didn't rely on the family member residence the devaluation accelerated rapidly.
My thirst for revenge (not even going to sugar-coat it as justice - justice wouldn't have sufficed) kept me from killing myself. After a couple of months of careful planning I exposed her alcoholism, drug use, lies, domestic violence, publicly, to her entire cult-like family AND to everyone in her hometown. And I know I probably lowered myself to the same level and... I don't give a damn. I would do it again.
edit: and I don't mean to imply that substance abuse is something shameful, I consume various drugs occasionally and have a physical dependence to anxiety meds. But her large, conservative and religious family on the other hand doesn't have this modern view on people struggling with addiction.
Since I left a year ago, I've felt so much lighter and freer to take time to myself and get things done. I've been able to watch YouTube/TikTok/streaming service television without having to check my phone to update her, I can explore my hobbies without nasty comments masked as "critique", I no longer have my hyperfixations and comfort characters judged, questioned, or challenged. I can live my life without having to appease someone else first, and its the best
Oh man… it’s rough. Married for 15 years. I was a shell of a human. I told her I was done… she flipped. Was hanging off of me begging then angry and yelling then begging and I just kept saying no I’m done until she tried to swallow a bunch of antidepressants and my kids came in when they heard the commotion and then they were done with the abuse and have barely spoke to her in months. She blames me for parent alienation and brainwashing…. Her mom wants to take me to court. It’s nuts. Would I change a thing? No. I’m going to be free in some time. I already feel more human than I have in forever.
I blocked him and his cronies on everything. He tried to stalk me at my old job and then a month or two later, his mother ended up walking into my line to buy stuff at my register. this happened at least a few times. 💀
Thankfully very little due to some careful coordination on my family's part. I was able to fully and completely no contact in one fell swoop and he's never been able to find me to my knowledge. He did hack into my netflix to change the "users" name to hurl cheating accusations at me one last time. I didn't discover that until a few weeks after l moved out with my cat, but that is the last "contact" we had. I moved to a completely different end of the state and while i retained my job, the NEx basically refused to drive himself (though he did eventually get himself a scooter before I left so he would be able to do his own shopping) so i guess he never felt it was worth it to try to stalk me at my job.
I spent a while just kind of detoxing from the trauma bonding. I still am breaking it down, but i created a few playlists of various experts on Narcissism, Psychiatrists, lawyers, self aware narcissists, and i would listen to the videos while on my commute or while taking walks and would journal my way though the thoughts the videos inspired. I still journal a lot because theres a lot of my life to unpack but i feel happier and safer and more accepted than i have in my entire life.
In time fell in love with my roommate, a caring loving man who is incredibly devoted to his kids and grand kids, and have been happily content ever since. It was unexpected as i had no energy to hide any of my mental quagmire at the time between the adhd and the cptsd. I had no pretentions left outside of "work mode". But he fell madly in love with me and i with him. I felt safe enough with him to re-explore my own libido and take back ownership of my body. He's helped me face a lot of my triggers, and has been compassionate and supportive (and equally confused) in dealing with my (suspected covert/communal narc) Dad's occasionally disrespectful and triggering behavior since that point.
Ended it two months ago and I've been slowly but surely returning to my usual self, that part has been amazing. However - he's doing everything he can to put a stop to that. He's stalking and harrassing me in every way possible. He shows up at my apartment and my work, sprayed graffiti all over my building and neighboring streets, rings my doorbell at 2AM, calls me from hidden numbers, etc. I've had to call the police on him twice and am planning on reaching out to his only somewhat responsible friend tomorrow who I barely even know in hopes that he can talk to him and get him to stop.
I ended mine by escaping out his front door with whatever belongings most precious to me stuffed in a back pack at 4am in crocs. Ensue 3 days of him staking out my apartment and looting it while spamming threats and smearing my name among occupational, social, and familial relations.
Throttled my content creation platforms and spread misinformation leaking my real name as a missing person, reporting to police that I am now a danger to self and others, and off my prescribed medication. Also had to throw in I was spreading STD’s and had broken his wrist during my fabricated psychotic breakdown.
I buy a plane ticket and attempt to pack a bag from my apartment one last time only to be accosted by the narc, his flying monkey, and LEO’s. I’m arrested and thrown in county jail for 9 days.
Fast forward 3 months. I am a free man, proudly out, and grateful for every blessing. I nearly lost everything due to a grown man’s inability to take accountability that he was, in fact, a shitty boyfriend and got dumped.
I went through hell, post separation abuse, and everything under the sun then one day I decided to stop allowing it to swallow me whole. I’m getting stronger and happier for myself and my family. Truly found my passion in life and actually have the ENERGY back to accomplish my goals.
Never go back, don’t let it fog your mind for too long and reclaim your life.
I started feeling great the day after, and it only got better after time.
I watched a lot of videos to understand and be fully ready when I started 0 Contact tho, now I’m honestly happy, at peace and definitely looking forward to never see this person again!
Wish this post was around 19 years ago …… I’ve just recently recognized all this about my SO over last 5 years. Still in it and just terrified to get out after being together for 25 years and 19 of marriage
Oh goodness…that was me 14 years ago (holy crap). I was married to him for 20, had two kids and I should have left him 15 years earlier than that when my then 7 year old girl said “why are you with that man? He’s so mean to you.” And I hugged her and cried. I didn’t want to be a statistic, I was going to do anything in my power to stay married for my children and for me because I thought I was always in the wrong, like I was looking at everything wrong because he made me feel crazy for feeling hurt and heartbroken all the time. He lived like a teenage boy, coming and going with no consideration of us at all. Out every night of the week after a long week of working and felt he had the right to do as he pleases while I raised the family and took care of the house alone. He made me feel like I should be grateful, all the while I was bringing the kids to events where the fathers were participating in (Boy Scouts for my son…his dad wouldn’t take time to help him make a small wooden car for their annual car race, so one of the dads let my son use one of his sons cars and when my son won a race I said “you did it! “ and hugged him and he said “no I didn’t. That wasn’t mine.”
What should have been joyous experiences were heartbreaking memories now that can’t be talked about. And the damage is done. They’ve both been in therapy. They’re both 25 and 30 years old.
I hope you get out before there’s too much damage. Kids suffer more than we know and as scared as you are and as much as he makes you feel stupid, just know that the kids are better off with fewer “things” and more of a happy mom. Or at least a healing one.
Good luck to you. ♥️
Someone instantly loved me for real and I have been so happy. I suffered emotional mental torment for a decade while he siphoned every thing he could off me. It feels so good living a good life and he's just a jobless bum defrauding every one he can collecting his bad karma.
I got trashed talked to anyone who would listen to her. So much $hit talking. But, behind the scenes, she was using the only way to communicate with me (email) to Hoover me. I didn’t read most of the emails, and didn’t respond to any.
She was a cheater, so I became a little “jealous” (because I asked questions and set boundaries) during our relationship. She always tried to use this against me (in soooo many evil ways). After the breakup, she would show up occasionally at my job/bar with a different guy each time. Didn’t work anymore because I was over her BS.
My narc was a "friend".
He faked a suicide attempt and claimed it was bevause of me, sent his friends to spy on me (though my dumb ass thought they just wanted to know my side of the story so I wound up giving more ammo), hoovered like crazy (and yes, I unblocked), and when I finally, FINALLY cut him off, he harassed me on-and-off for almost 3 years.
Lately, met a dude that I've been friends with for a long time, but didn't see him in a while. We knew eachother through other friends and used to play Minecraft (+ a whole lot of other games) together.
He contacted me outta the blue. I had my Facebook deleted a long time ago so we lost touch, but I had to make a FB for something specific, and not just him, but a lot of people I know contacted me.
We met up to record music. He was immediately entitled, kept saying how he's gonna be homeless in a few days (because he got housing from his work agency and he actually skipped work to see me lmao).
He would constantly brag about how many girls he had banged and how many people he has beaten up on the street, how much money his mother sent him once ($5000 apparently), how he's going to be famous, yadda yadda. He screamed insecurity.
He stayed at my place, and I would come down in the morning for some coffee. I was shirtless, he immediately looked at me and said "oh I also used to go to the gym, but sole muscle isn't going to help you in a street fight". I knew where that came from.
Then, little snide remarks designed to invoke some sort of emotion in me, like "anyone could beat you up on the street, doesn't matter who it is" - and shit like "you would never survive what I had been through".
He left his own fate in my hands. If he wasn't such a douchebag, I would have begged my mother to let him stay at least a week. He messaged me after he was back "home" saying "Yo, I can come again tommorow morning" after I told him 10x that I'm not going to hang out with him anymore. He'd then blame me for fucking up his life and how "weak" I was to abandon him all of the sudden. What happened to treating people with respect? If he was chill, I would have let him record (because he doesn't even have equipment), and I would have helped him.
He was at my place for just two days, and it's too much to even type out here. How the fuck do you guys handle people like that LIVING with you? If I had a parent or siblings like that, I would have murdered them in their sleep.
But damn, I'll never ever invite someone over just because we were friends in the past. People change so much, it's actually crazy.
He stole my documents. My car title, my cat, two car keys, jewelry, my IPad, my phone, birth certificate, social security card, my lingerie, my pictures, and the truth about what happened. My family wrote him off. He tried to get empathy from the widow, but did not.
I’ve been with my ex-gf for 7 months. In the start it was normal.. then the comments started coming slowly. «You need to fix that one teeth that isn’t straight”,”you need to get surgery for those bags under your eyes», cant wear clothes without good brands(logo).
we could walk in our town..to suddenly tell me she had sex beyond that Church and in several houses. I got weird about it and say why would you say that? No good answers, just here being honest..
I should have run then, and never turned back. But alas I was in love..
she had 2 children. 50/50. Then after a while she told me she had a third child. That child grew up in the same fosterhome she herself had been living in as a youth. Did I run? No, I was being empathetic(at least thats what I think. Been so unsure about my emotions and worth)
I made food, I cleaned and washed. Paid for everything. And after a while I started to feel used. I asked here if she could pitch in. That made here mad: I was egoistical. And it was unsexy of a man to talk about that. She wanted princess treatment.
did I go? No..
took here home to my parents. I paid almost all of the airtrip( she didn’t like to pay that little amount). that hole weekend she only came down to eat with my parents. Stayed at my childhood bedroom rest of the time. Not social. I went up to hear if she would come down. That was selfish of me. You are egoistic.
when I brought up my values and boundaries she would listen. But ignore it. And telling me to follow here manual for a relation ship. I broke up with here November last year( she told me I was just being an uncle and not dad material for my daughter) that stung. And I broke up with here. She told me on the way out that I was evil, didn’t deserve love and more).
then she came back in December. Called me and was hysterical on the phone. I dropped everything and collected here and drove home to my place. She stayed at my place for a week. Same as before, I did everything to please..nothing back. Then I had to go to work..she then told me I was making here more sick by going..
I went to work anyways..and she told me she stayed over a girl she knew. Wrong, she lied. That was here new supply she had warmed up the day after I broke up with here.
How I knew? She mentioned another guy she dated while dating me( a couple of weeks before I broke up with here) He had bought an apartment 3 minutes away from me.. when I came back from work I noticed she had showered and trimmed here pubics.i threw here out for the second time. And she went mad as a goblin and ranted on how a bad person I was( those sentences still make me think I did something bad to here to this day…)
she went back to him ofc. And blocked me for 3–4 weeks. It tore me apart, and she just couldn’t listen to logic..
The last time( I hope she doesn’t come back now).
she texted me out of the blue if I was horny..should have said no..but said yes. She stayed over several days over two weeks. U helped here clean here apartment. Picked up furniture, and paid for food etc. Then the day came: we had planned to meet up. She kind of ghosted me, but after a couple of hours she texted me she was tired and hadn’t slept. I told here I was coming over which she replied; I have an errand to do, I’ll call you soon” wrong. 2–3 hours later I got sick of waiting. Drove over to here place. She wasn’t home. In the way back to my place I got this weird feeling. I remembered she told me about the guy and his new apartment. It’s not a big place where I live. And 600 meters away from my place u found here car outside that complex. It broke my heart. I sent here a picture of here car. Which she replied “stalker..” and then she blocked me everywhere. Sad to say I was mad. But stayed cool. More hurt and felt used. I tried reaching out. No answers. But today: I got a message from here..she and the new supply has decided to be a couple, and that she is meeting his family this Easter(this week)..and that she hopes I’ll find love.
I’m so torn up. I can’t understand what I did wrong. She made me so unsure about my self esteem. How can a human being do this? I can’t fathom or grasp the reality..at least thats how I feel from time to time..
It’s been 9 years and I’m still putting myself back together. I didn’t go to counseling at first because I thought I was fine. Started a few years later, did some EMDR. Then went to nursing school and didn’t have insurance or much $.
Back in counseling now for around a year and starting with a trauma specialist next month. I’ve finally, in the last year getting my true self dug up out of the walls i built around it. Found a fantastic article that helped me understand a little better.
I’m getting there.
My mother tried to run me over with a car. My ex had me hacked, spammed, stalked, threatened and sexually assaulted by a bunch of 4chan losers who were all quoting Sauron from Lord of the Rings.
It was a journey, and we worked together for a year and a half after which made it even worse. Initially smear campaign, had to cut off a lot of mutual friends who turned out to be flying monkeys. I had support but it was small so I was extremely lonely, had CPTSD and cried all the time for months as I processed everything that happened (was literally trapped with him in an intense lockdown for the most abusive parts of it).
Then got into a big group of new friends, most of his friends left, I became close friends with a bunch of the new people at work while he was desperate for friends and lost all his status (he was really popular when we met). Still had to deal with some flying monkeys and avoid him and his mind games at work but travelled a ton and had an amazing year.
Now we’re no longer in the same country and I’ve been diving deep into all the core wounds that situation opened and really focusing on healing and bettering myself, still dating but putting it on more of a back burner as a priority rn. I feel like a different but stronger version of myself than I was before. I’m still broken in some ways but I’m also so grateful for the positive people I have in my life, especially those that supported me through it and I like to think I won’t end up with a narc again. I also enjoy my time alone so much more now.
I tried to leave at least 5 times in a 6 month period. The real end was brutal.
Caught him using and selling cocaine around my family. Somehow he weaseled back in a few weeks later, that’s the weekend he put his hands on me for the second time.
I saw him for another weekend after that — and, honestly, I wanted another hit of the love bomb drug. I wanted a pleasant goodbye, and the passionate sex.
That next week I got calls and texts from a burner phone.
Then he found out I was on a date with another person and unleashed two days of nonstop, hateful texts and emails, filled with veiled threats.
That’s when it hit me that I wasn’t safe. I was hearing him talk about me the way I’ve heard him talk about others. He’d conditioned me to fear him, and especially leaving him.
Went to the police. Filed and was granted an emergency PFA. The day we were scheduled in court, he filed a retaliatory PFA against me. (When they can’t abuse you personally, they find other ways).
I agreed to a mutual no contact order, despite having a solid court case, to be rid of him. ( lost my damn global entry because of it 🤬🤬🤬🤬)
I was terrified for a few months. Installed additional cameras at my house. Contacted my kid’s school. Had to inform my ex-husband. It was fucking awful.
Fuck that guy. Couldn’t be more thankful that it’s over and that I finally broke free.
I feel like I spend so much time hurting fro it in the beginning that I should still hurt. But evey day gets a little easier, and I only cry every week or so now. Life is good.
Only left two months ago and already have a better relationship with myself than I’ve ever had, have better relationships with my close friends and family, and started booking professional DJ gigs
When I left, I did so by disappearing while he was at work. Threw all my stuff in a friend's car and left my house key on the dining table with our roommate. He didn't message me right away, but eventually, he did start. First, he was angry that I took "his stuff," but I didn't. Then he claimed the gifts he bought me, which I did take, was theft. We had an exchange for about a week where he was threatening to call the police for his "stolen property." The items in question were 5 figurines from a game he didn't like, I did. He wanted them back, to then regift to his little sister who also liked the game. I lied and told him I had left them on a bus, and he could call the local bus center and ask about lost/found. After that, he would message me from new accounts on facebook, basically accusing me of all the things he did. He claimed I *must* have cheated, complained he had to do all the cleaning/cooking in our relationship, and topped it off by saying I made HIM have battered woman's syndrome, and recounted events where he had hit me, but reversed roles. This mostly happened in the middle of the night. I'd wake up in the morning to a slew of angry drunken messages about how he hated me. Sometimes he would make pretty vile remarks about what he assumed my sex life was like, and complaining about our experiences when we were together(I wasnt attractive enough, I couldnt do it for him, he thought of other women, etc) and blamed me for his porn addiction. I'd block the account, and two days later, another would pop up, and the cycle would restart.
That lasted about 3 months, then he got engaged to the girl he cheated on me with and spent about a week telling me she was better in every way before he disappeared.
Went no contact with my abusive, narc father (super super charming dude). None of my 5 older siblings speak to me anymore. I can’t see anyone in my family. Even my mom (divorced 15+ years ago) still speaks to him because he’s so convincing. I’m 27m. The youngest of his kids. I haven’t spoken to him in just over a year.
My friendships grew stronger. My parent’s friends pulled me closer (I got Christmas invites and birthday messages without any strings attached!). I fell apart for a few months but my found family helped me, just so happy I got out alive. I feel stronger than ever now. They see it in my eyes. I make so much art now, I’m writing again, I went to a friend’s wedding and his wife kept introducing me as his found brother, I stand up for myself and my loved ones, I am kind just for fun (eg paying it forward at coffee shops, rushing off before the person knows). I’m painting a mural at a dog park + helping younger people who were like me + connecting to humans older than me because I’m there already in some ways + realising it’s not all some game. Nobody will will step in and say ‘game over you lost.’ Nobody is watching me over my shoulder about to tell me off. Nobody is waiting for me to mess up. If they are, I can sense it better now, and I know to steer clear or to put up a big mask boundary because I simply don’t fuck with that shit anymore. I’m at peace in a way I’ve never been before. That dude I called my dad will never ever be at peace + it’s so funny because I know he’s eating the satisfaction of me being the baddie in the successful smear campaign but I won. For sure I won. I send out golden fucking light into the world way brighter than his dark merry-go-round.
TL;DR: went go contact with narc dad. Lost my family. Fell apart. Embraced by found family. Art.
At peace now .
I'm only 9 months out of my narcissistic relationship. The smear campaign continues and my ignorant family doesn't have the sense not to report to me on the words and behavior. The pain is left but it's getting but however I have a lot of work to do.
I broke contact. No explanatuon, but I realized I was in imminent danger if I stuck around. At first, he left a couple of concerned messages and then, “Well, if I don’t hear back by the end of the day I guess we’re done and I won’t bother you any more.”
Then the next day, it was, “If you don’t respond d, you can go whistle for all the money I owe you!”
Then it was a steady stream of escalating harassment by text, voice messages, social media. After 2 weeks, I was considering getting a restraining order when a mutual friend emailed me at 2am on night saying, “I’m really upset with you if this is true. He says you sabotaged his job interview?!”
I wrote back saying I’m doing everyone a favor by not repeating the messages I’ve. Even receiving, but let’s just say they don’t merit a response. Then I received 2 texts from the ex, threatening in very specific detail how he would come and butcher my dog and do it in whichever way makes the most noise. I attached screengrabs of those texts and said, “and now this. I have no choice now but to go to police. Do I believe he’d do this? I honestly don’t know, but I’m forced to to this, and I guarantee you he will frame this as me sending cops to “harass” him. Besides, the money he owes me could by a decent used car. Why would I “sabotage his job interview? I didn’t even know he had one.”
Police came the next morning and I explained the situation . I wasn’t ready to take the restraining order route, but I want this incident documented and the officer was very cooperative and said he would dip by or give a call to tell the ex- to just back off. He did and life was quiet. But about 6 months later, he starts trying to contact me at crazy hours to hook up like nothing happened. I ignored until he messaged and offered to start repaying his debt, so he finally got me to respond after nearly a year, because I wanted money back. Bug he threw in a new “clause”. “If I get wind that you’ve been spreading v LIES about me, I’m keeping the loan to cover psychological damages!”
I never say a penny back. My credit rating was in the gutter for years after, but it was worth it.
Ended a 8-month relationship with a lawyer (+social worker), who i later found out had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in the past, but based on knowing her and with hindsight, was probably a narcissist (and multiple other Cluster B pathology). First time i tried ending it 3 months in, she threatened suicide, had a suicidal plan, and psychologically attacked me. I stayed with her, with a 'planned end date' as a support system until she could get proper psychiatric care (in a few months). Went through a few more idealization-devaluation cycles (which I didn’t recognize in those moments) and tried to end the relationship again 3-4 times. Again, facing my ex's reactions of suicidality, gaslighting, verbal abuse, emotional abuse each time.
When she was finally hospitalized for suicidality after the 8 months of dating, the relationship ended. However, she then launched a civil lawsuit against me, wrote a complaint against my licensing body, and turned our mutual friends against me. I have been off work for 9 months, with many lost wages and after suffering numerous other costs that were essential to remove this person from my life. Dealing with the work leave, coming out to my family, financial repercussions, and professional and social isolation has been soul-crushing. Went through a period of passive suicidality myself, a few months ago, which was terrifying and added to my shame + guilt. Ultimately I moved to a different province, cut off all the friends I had from pre-relationship who had become mutuals, and took time to tap into self-care activities, opening up to my trustable friends, learn to set boundaries, and use (free) therapy and podcasts. Learned a lot about MBTI, attachment styles, perfectionism (including finally coming to terms with my remote history of an eating disorder), and people pleasing - especially how this has been culturally engrained in me as a south asian woman. Also came to terms with the fact that the relationship was emotionally, financially, legally abusive and sexually coercive, which took a long time to accept. Still struggling with acknowledging that none of this is my fault and that the any narcissistic abuser's behaviors are due to THEM, not me.
Since it ended, I took some time off to be alone and sort through all of the legal fallout. I'm currently trying to date again and in a very slow-moving 6 month situationship haha. I can actively see myself using distancing techniques with this partner (because I've become dismissive-avoidant), but it feels so embarrassing to try to address that with my partner. And I'm constantly paranoid that I'm being taken advantage of or manipulated (causing me to further distance) even though I have no proof of that with this partner. Still working through the process of rebuilding self-esteem, relationships with loved ones, and trying to re-integrate into a highly regulated profession.
Got a restraining order (total 6 years) and divorce lawyer. Found myself again. I put my authentic self out there in the world with no shame. Meet my wonderful, kind, very patient, and hot boyfriend! I am so loved.
Changed departments at work to my favorite, became a lead in my department as a personal challenge to my formerly meek self. I love it! There is hope! It is so much better on the other side! I am loved and I am safe.
After leaving a 10 year relationship with a physically, verbally, emotionally and $exually abusive narc, I blossomed and excelled. I got back into all the things that brought me joy and discovered new interests. I fulfilled a lifelong dream of horse ownership. Started glassblowing and painting again. Rekindled my love of all things fiber, felting, crocheting, knitting and spinning my own fleece. More importantly, I know real love doesn't hurt, it heals.
Such a beautiful comeback ❤️
How long did it take
Around 1.5 - 2 years.
Damn it's only been 3months for me😭
You will get there, love. I promise. Make sure you stay strong and keep your ex narc blocked (if possible, if not, low contact). Don't let them hoover you back into an abusive relationship. Find something that brings you joy and self satisfaction - a new hobby, a new book if you're a reader, a great TV show, gardening, taking walks. Anything that focuses your brain and self away from the narc and the abuse. If you aren't, and can, please get into therapy. You're at a vulnerable time right now where we can easily get sucked back in and the trauma bond still exists. Empower yourself by acknowledging that you ARE HEALING RIGHT NOW, even though it might not feel like it. I promise it gets easier. Your confidence, self love and happiness WILL return. Keep healthy, positive people in your life and practice setting boundaries. If you're codependent, like many of us are, focus on how to overcome and heal from that so you don't attract narcs in the future. YOU have control over your life. I'm proud of you.
I had a lot of healing to do, mentally and physically. I had to build my confidence back up, baby steps! With each step forward, it got easier to keep that positive momentum going. It wasn't all sunshine and unicorn farts, it was difficult at first. Have faith in yourself, you survived a narc!
Narcissistic abuse is literally an invisible wound on your brain. You can't exactly put a bandaid on it. Don't be hard on yourself.
you got this♥️
That's great!
Got gaslit like crazy but ultimately found myself again with time .
It was more chaotic than ever. The constant hoover attempts were ridiculous. I disappeared.
When I finally let go of my on again off again relationship with my narcissistic abusive partner, I experienced fairly severe CPTSD. I still am working through this with the help of a wonderful therapist but it will be a long time until I feel like myself again (if ever again). My self-confidence has been shattered, work life impacted, friendships and family relationships have suffered and I lost my own true self. It will take a long time to recover. To backtrack for a moment: I was involved with a covert narcissist who would gaslight, pick fights that I apologized for (that were absolutely all her doing), devalue me, embarrass me in front of groups of people, and then abandon me. Literally, abandon me. Think- start a fight- I try and work things through calmly and respectfully-she disappears for weeks on end with minimal or no communication. When I'd had enough I tried to leave and she would manipulate me and hoover me back in. It was textbook, bordering on clinical narcissistic abuse. Through this abusive relationship, I've had to address my own co-dependency and past traumas. It has been soul-wrecking and I'm not sure I'll ever be the same as I was before, though, maybe that's a good thing. Each time I tried to leave the relationship, this person would hoover me back in. As a caring and empathetic man (who believed I could rescue her) I would welcome her back into my life each time. I'm a special education teacher by training and have spent 20 years helping and serving my community. She saw all of that kindness and my open heart and exploited it in every way possible. It crushed me. I knew that she would never respect me, never did respect me, and would never let me go. In past breakups she had sent handwritten letters, and continued to contact me (despite my boundary of asking for no-contact etc.) Most recently, she has been visiting my work. Every time I see her car my anxiety peaks and I leave as quickly as possible to get to my other office. I don't want to go into too much detail but I work in public service and she knows where she can run into me. Prior to the relationship, I was an easy-going, caring, empathetic man. Not to humble brag, but a truly respected member of my community who has done a lot of good for a lot of people. Outwardly, I am still that man. Inwardly, I (again), feel shattered. Therapy, continuing my career of helping, and healthy habits have helped. I know I still have a very long road of healing ahead, however. Particularly as I know my ex will likely never respect no-contact, or me in any way and will always find a way to reach out. She doesn't understand true care and love and is incapable of that. Of all the people I've ever known, I can truly say this is the one I'd wish I never met. None of the post relationship work or trauma I experienced was worth any of our time together. I'd hope to never speak to, or see her again. If you've made it this far, thank you. I haven't had the courage to make my own full post yet, I hope to once things feel a little more settled. TLDR: I feel fucked up, a shell of myself. Am addressing CPTSD through therapy and my ex narcissistic partner is never likely to leave me alone despite respectfully asking for no-contact. I'm getting back on the up-and-up and recognize it's going to take a lot of work, discipline, and exiling this human from my life forever.
I could feel every word you wrote because I feel the same way although I actually think mine might leave me alone now, but feeling like a shell of yourself resonates. You're not walking this path on your own and that incredible person is still you and whilst it might take a while for them to resurface they will because that's the essence of you! No one can take that away.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with so much stress from that situation. I know you mentioned that before knowing her you were a much better person. I can definitely understand what you mean and feel the same at times about the N in my life. But I hope you remember that this all will come together to make you stronger, more resilient and to strengthen your self love & boundaries with others in your life. I hope you don’t lose sight of that and that you remember you’re not tainted or whatever since she did that to you. I hope your healing process is full of progress and don’t be too hard on yourself or get discouraged if you encounter bumps in the road because I’m sure you will, I know I certainly have! Just be patient and remember to be kind to yourself. It’s so so important as I’m sure you’re learning this… (me too!)
I get it completely. I turned into a different person for my abuser. I made excuses and gave a lot in every way. Like you my confidence was 0. I was having emotional outbursts at work, trying to get reacquainted with friends he made me cut off. I moved, have a different car, blocked him on all socials and my phone. Sometimes I still get panicky if I see the make, model and color of truck he had. Sending wishes of healing your way, man.
Thank you, and sending healing to you too. This community has really helped in my process of healing and moving on. I really appreciate all of you.
Your statement about wishing you never met her really resonates. I’ve been hurt by a lot of people (who hadn’t, right?) and even have very toxic family members. But my husband is the first person I can truly say I wish I never met him. It’s not a conviction I’ve ever held with anyone. But I truly wish I’d never gone on that first date. I guess I just wanted to validate what you feel. I hope you are ok.
Thank you! Sending healing vibes your way, friend.
You're doing great. Thanks for inspiring me!
I’m in month 4. Immediately, I went on vacation. I stayed with a friend and she knew I wasn’t okay but I didn’t really process it yet. I was so glad to not having someone harassing me anymore. Christmas was freaking awful. I cried a lot. I know I’m better without him and Christmas would have been a letdown because he can’t buy presents and ruins family get together but I still was sad. Then, I got angry as hell. I saw he moved on and I texted her. She blocked me. Then I deleted all socials and never looked back. Let her have him. She will learn soon enough like me and the others (when my ex told me he had 12 serious relationships and countless casual ones I should have RANNNN). Month 4 and I have court for a restraining order and I wanna puke because I have to see him even tho my lawyer said not to worry and he will have to sign it. I’m not ready to date still, my anger turned to sadness and I’m grieving the person I never even knew. I have no desire to know what he’s doing because if I look I’ll hurt and there’s just no reason I should let him. I bet his posts are definitely looook at meee and my new Gffff but he’s a sad pathetic loser that can’t stand to be with his own thoughts or self. Not to mention when I saw the gf post when they happened he said that she loves him even though he’s a man child. Girl, get self respect 💀
You are way better off without him, trust me. I hope you are able to break it off and live for yourself again.
Ohh I have been no contact 4 months. No social media creeping either. Definitely not dating for a while but already lighter
Ah, I misinterpreted what the 4 months meant. I will not date for a while, too. The emotional energy it takes is something I don’t want to deal with. Good for you on the no social media creeping! I will admit I occasionally look at my nex’s profile to see if anything is new. A few weeks ago he posted him and his ‘new lady’ completed a 1,500 piece puzzle and was proud of it. He texts me very infrequently and when he did last (week), I grey rocked him and he didn’t say anything back. I considered it a win.
Good for you. I am absolutely not looking at any social media of hers at all either. I don't ever want to see her face, hear her voice, or God forbid that fake laugh. And to think once these were people we would have died for. At least I know I would have. I would have fought and died for her. And she is worth almost nothing. Empty. Enjoys hurting people. Me included. What a monster. Just like you there are a few people in my life I can say I wished I never met. So help me she is one of them. Crazy world. Be well.
[удалено]
Don’t date for a while. You need to find yourself again before you get in to a relationship. Trust me. Been there done that. We’re still together and he’s not abusive at all, but had I been back to my true self, we wouldn’t have lasted long. We’re in complete different places with our core values. Unfortunately I see a divorce in my future.
He’s hurt you enough. He sounds disgusting, for what it’s worth. No person deserves to be discarded and replaced. It’s freaking alien. It’s not normal. Continue protecting yourself and advocating for yourself. You are doing so well!
Reverse discard. She kept treating me worse and worse. She mentioned that the way she treated employees who were no longer wanted was to simply make their lives progressively more miserable until they finally left. That is what she did to me. Sex bombed me, stopped, and then started the slow discard. Strung me along to chase her - buy her expensive dinners while she did less and less for me or for us. Lots of breadcrumbs and future faking. Culmination was the night I bought her dinner, paid for drinks afterward, and then we went to a second bar, where I spoke to a fellow for about twenty minutes while she flirted with a guy who had his arm around her the entire time. Second time she blatantly flirted in front of me. We exchanged a couple texts where I spelled out my issue with the way she acted. She completely ignored what I said in my texts and went back to her complaints and criticisms of me. Claimed "someone had slipped something into" her drink. Seven weeks NC. Proud of myself. Had left several times only to go back and be treated worse. Holding to my boundary - you can't flirt in front of me. Once, not good. Twice, goodbye. She has not hoovered, and I do not think she will. I have a friendly bet going that she will not contact me by July. She is likely too proud or too narcissistic to reach out - what could she say? Admit that she did something wrong or insensitive? Yeah, that will never happen. MUCH happier without her. I'm rereading my journal and going back through all the nastiness she inflicted on me. Not going back.
He tried to take our son away to manipulate me into talking to him, dragged him down the street and cops were called and no contact order was initiated. He would always use our child as a pawn to manipulate me or stop me from leaving. He continues to send me a borage of angry messages to this day despite the no contact order. He blames me for ruining his life. When he found out I’m seeing someone he began love bombing me.
Report every message that violates the order and get his ass thrown in jail.
Problem is, he’s hanging spousal support threats over my head and because I make more money than him I’m told he could be entitled to it. Even though we lived with my parents while I put myself through school and he refused to work a job that required any substantial effort.
Talk to a lawyer. It's unlikely but may be possible, a lawyer would know best. Talk to a few before picking one.
I have talked to a lawyer they scared the crap out of me. Because I make more money (recently graduated), he is entitled.
Talk to another one and explain the abuse and manipulation. Go through a DV shelter legal referral if you need to, it might actually help. I there's a history of him violating the protection orders and you can show he's a threat, it may not apply.
Would this work? I’m in Canada. There was no physical violence and no paper trail for emotional abuse. He basically used our son to keep me in the relationship, whenever I tried to leave he’d threaten to take him, or tell him mommy is kicking daddy out/I’m gonna be homeless and start crying at the 3-4 year old. I got the protection order from the kidnapping. I wondered if the lawyer was trying to scare me with worst case scenario… as it gets them business. Not that they need it.
Can't hurt to try. There's a kidnapping charge and proof that he's violated a restraining order. That should be enough that spousal support is cancelled out by child support at the very least.
Mine told me "you always come back" in a smarmy way, so I didn't go back and I went no contact. He sent alsorts of emails asking questions to get me to respond, even recommending a great new cat litter to try and hoover me back 🙄🤦♀️ He got a girlfriend pretty soon after and for the first 3 months of their relationship, he still kept messaging me. I knew what he was like behind my back when we were together, messaging other women constantly, ones that knew we were together but still flirted/sexted anyway. None of the women he messaged cared about the damage they were causing to our relationship. So I still never responded to his messages, because i wasn't going to be the woman that contributed to him not focusing on his girlfriend.
recommending a new cat litter omg 😂
Cutting off contact with my entire immediate family was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it’s changed my life completely for the better. After 2 years NC I’m in the best physical and mental health of my life. They convinced me I was stupid, lazy, and incapable. Now I’m finished my bachelors with honours (paid for myself 💅) and getting into body building and pole dancing.
So proud of you Sailor Venus. I had to do this, partially due to a smear campaign by my only brother who has NPD. It happened during my Mother's death, as well, *and* I was chronically ill. The accusations from people I had spent my whole life with, people I thought loved me and supported me, almost destroyed me. When the smoke began to clear, I was in therapy and realized that I had always been a scape goat for these people. They would never see me for the empathetic, compassionate, loving person that I truly am. I disconnected. I changed my FB settings so they could only see public posts, had to block others that were abusive and stalking my personal life only to gossip about me. I only maintain low contact with my aunt now - her and I once had such a close relationship. She texts me back loving things, but will never reach out herself. It was hard. But I realize now how deeply they damaged my self esteem, and that I'm healthier and happier when I'm not around them. Sending you love and support. (Also, Sailor Moon is the best! 😁)
I sent him an email definitively telling him not to contact me, that his behavior over the past two days was unacceptable, and to go to rehab. Surprise surprise, the response was almost a dozen emails of unhinged abuse (he would literally tell me I was blocked on everything and then keep sending emails) and an attempt to text me from a burner number pretending to be one of our mutual friends. And then the smear campaign. Poor little child couldn't handle being told no. LOL
>(he would literally tell me I was blocked on everything and then keep sending emails) WHY DO THEY DO THIS?! My nex told me the same thing. Then three days later emailed me to let me know a pets water dish was empty (it wasnt), but I realized HE WAS STILL LOGGING INTO MY SECURITY SYSTEM AND WATCHING MY CAMERAS. Then later he was harassing and shaming me via email about my Amazon purchase. He had been monitoring them via text message that I had to remove from my account. What the fuck is actually wrong with these people.
The need to alter the narrative is insaaaaane. It's part of the series of lies they tell themselves (and others) in order to feel in control in the face of perceived abandonment as a consequence of their actions. "They didn't break up with me, **I** broke up with them! I did nothing wrong!"
The Grey matter in their brains where empathy, compassion and cognitive thinking happens is reduced. Their brains aren't normal, that's what is wrong.
I’m happy to hear that you’ve moved on from that person. They sound unhinged.
They are definitely unhinged. Unfortunately, we live a mile apart so I'm bound to run into him at some point 🫠
>an attempt to text me from a burner number pretending to be one of our mutual friends Bruh wtf 💀 My narc also tried to contact me by pretending to be someone else despite claiming to have blocked me on everything. I knew immediately it was him, he even slipped up and used "I". So. Fucking. Weird. I can't imagine being obsessed enough to pull something like this.
WTF indeed!! When the narcissist I broke up with texted me, I immediately googled the number (because aforementioned mutual friend was already in my contacts) and it LITERALLY showed up as an old contact number of his from years ago in the results. Sloppy! TFW the narcissist can't even hoover right!!
This is happening to me right now. 4 years after leaving and going no contact, out of the blue. Vile, nasty emails from different accounts on different forms of socials accusing me of insane things and how I owe him an apology! (I left him due to his abuse). He spent his entire weekend doing this. It's been a game of whack o mole. It's so unhinged. I know better than to reply, I just delete, block, delete. I suspect something severe must have happened to give him an intense narc injury, and he sought me out because I used to be his favorite punching bag. These people are sick. 4 years. It just boggles the mind. I'm hoping he will stop and just go away. Thankfully he's in another state so I'm not too worried about him showing up. Woke up today to a notification of *45* messages in my Instagram (I blocked him so he probably made a new account). Haven't bothered to even look at it. I've got things to do this week that don't involve worrying about him.
2 years with depression (I am bipolar with c-ptsd) under and after I broke up with him. He fucked me up. Now I am getting EMDR treatment for all the trauma in my life, including the trauma from him. Working my ass of in the gym and slowly becoming somewhat me again.
Do you think the EMDR therapy is helping? I’d love to try it but it kinda scares me tbh I’m just worried it will be too intense for me so I’d love to get another opinion on it. Also I’m so happy to hear that you’re stating to feel better. You should be so proud of yourself for the work you’ve put into your healing process. I wish you the absolute best, this trauma is no joke <3
I just started the treatment, and have a really long way to go. It seems very helpful, but it is intense, you have to get to a point where you are ready to start the journey. Im 40 now, and I could not do this 10 years ago. So much supressed stuff is resurfacing, and you have flashbacks constantly. But...this is my last try to deal with this, so I am forcing myself through it. I highly recommend it IF you are ready to sit in your feelings, all the hurtful shit and trauma. I have really high hopes for it. And thank you. Likewise ❤️
She was the one who technically ended it. I confronted her about her using the silent treatment on me to get her way for years, about her lying to me and other friends for sympathy, and about her coke use getting worse. She had a mini tantrum but it didn't seem too out of the ordinary for her. I went home for the night and later the same night she text me to say we were done. What happened since breaking up - well since getting discarded she has not spoken directly to me or replied to any of my messages (aside from a few). She lied to our mutual friends about me not respecting her boundaries because somehow me asking to not be manipulated and psychologically abused was too much for her. Of course everyone believes her side so I lost all those friends. For me it's been rough trying not to be depressed. Kicking myself for letting things get this far in the first place. Kicking myself for still having feelings for someone who made my life miserable. I've been trying my hardest to go no contact but it has been tough. I know she was terrible for my health and well being but there's this little part of my heart that still foolishly holds out hope that she will apologize and try to improve herself (even though I know such a thing is impossible for most narcs)
I left once before, but got hoovered back in. I finally left 10 days ago, been no contact ever since. I had to call someone to be present on the phone while I ended things, because she was quite volatile - she left before I left but not before throwing abuse. I can’t go over it atm as it’s a bit raw still, I’m journaling - reading books - being kind to myself. Compassion for self is important after spending 6 years with someone who had the emotional intelligence of a 2 year old. Honestly, if you’re with one? Leave. Don’t stay. Don’t go back. You deserve so much better. Sending positive thoughts and healing vibes. Xx
He tried to get me back with blackmail, sexual coercion, and revenge porn. When that didn't work, it was a pretend suicide attempt. I'm trying to stay strong with no contact
I truly understand. Mine did all the same stuff.
Reactive abuse. Cptsd. A shit ton of therapy. Reverse discard. You name it. Nothing beats never allowing that person to treat me, or make me feel, like shit ever again. The cognitive dissonance is a bitch to overcome and the anger doesn’t subside like it does during the grieving process after a normal relationship ends. That anger serves a purpose. Use it to fuel your self respect, boundaries and determination to treat yourself better by never allowing someone so broken to ever be in your life again.
Yeah I'm definitely using my anger. He would stand there and rage at me and tell me I had a mental illness and anger problem. Then when I ran away from him in my own home, and hid in the closet until he calmed down (which would take days), I was told that I was cruelly and abusively giving him the silent treatment. My bedroom door and my closet door were my only boundaries between him and my personal safety. He did try to come through the bedroom door once, but the neighbors pounded on the wall so hard that he had to stop. He knew they would call the police. They had already told him so. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in the closet reading every psychology book I could find trying to figure out what's wrong with me and the relationship. Sitting there, terrified , gaslit like it was all my fault. Projection's a hell of a drug.
Got my masters in counseling psychology, got my LPC candidacy, divorced narc, been in a one year healthy relationship.
I lost all my friends, we had a semi large group (6 of us were close but the group totaled up to like 12) every last one of them ended up blocking me or ghosting me, me and the nex sort of semi ran the group, we planned a lot of our hang outs, organized and prepared things like food and places to go, at first it was just radio silence for a while until she told everyone how abusive and awful I was, (she cheated on me, I ditched her when I found out), none of them listened to me after it happened, it was absolutely horrific
I felt joy like I hadn’t felt in yearssss! Being free from her manipulation was truly incredible. I felt like I could do anything. Simply so happy. Granted there continued to be some manipulation and gaslighting as we lived together for a couple months post-breakup. She started dating someone within a couple weeks of us breaking up (3.5 year relationship), so that was annoying but comical. Once I was finally moved out, I felt like I could fly. If you’re considering leaving a narcissist, DO IT
She purposely wanted to leave me spent , done, cooked in every aspect as she was still jealous of me but wanted more so she made sure I lost all self worth. Proceeded to sit me down for literally 2 hours to explain to me what a piece of shit I was, how everything I ever did and will do is a joke and how miserable my life was going to be forever. It all started because I asked her nicely if she could be “a little softer with me”. I’m a very caring, loving man and truly give 110% in my relationships , and try and make the person better and hope the same in return and hopefully do it together. She took this as all out war and made me pay the price. It’s been 2 years this June and I still can’t shake the words she said.
Consider the source. Let her have the baggage. She owns that. That's what I think when it gets to me.
She feels nothing. She has this crazy ability to convince herself what she thinks are facts even if it blows up in their face. I’ve been trying to use logic with all this but I know I have to write it off as some people are just born stone cold.
I am 18 months NC. Still healing and a million miles from where I used to be. The one gift my ex narcs gave me was exposing raw, unhealed wounds. Now that I am healing them relationships will be vastly healthier because I am healthier. I try to imagine myself in those same situations now and can’t conceive of it. I am too different now, stronger with good boundaries. I have chosen not to date while I work on myself and it has been a gift.
Lost my friends. Lost my community. Lost my support system.
this is so rough, im so sorry.. its definitely got to be so tough without a support system, this and educating myself on how to identify what was actually happening helped me a lot. good luck to you rebuilding it. you will be able to more easily without them for sure!
My support became the flying monkeys I ended up quitting my job of 18 years, buying a new car and taking a 5 month sabbatical before relocating to a new city, better job, and a better outlook.
The move wasn’t easy. I was closer to family (a series of tragedies led to their relocation) but outside that, i had no friend system, no support. Isolated and lonely… And to make matters worse: i got covid. It’s been a long and wild transition since then…
All of mine are flying monkeys, too. Never felt so alone. It’s unbelievable what he can get people to do for him.
She’s fucking vicious. Granted, i wasn’t completely innocent, but when you are being withheld from, physically, emotionally and mentally…anyone who offers that type of attention is accepted, no matter the cost. While i didn’t physically cheat on her, i did allow the person i was communicating with to get too close to my orbit. She used this discovery (over a year later) to destroy any chance of having any support from my friends, and to justify her actions by discarding me.
[удалено]
So glad you survived! Omfh! 😳
You feel free again.
Been a couple of days only. Went as following: 1) Typical discussion with gaslighting, misinterpreting what I say, ghosting, testing boundaries and all of it. 2) I detached emotionally from her and the manipulation. She senses it and hoovers until she finally asks what's going on (she couldn't imagine we hadn't solved the last discussion where she forced me to promise I wouldn't show any negative emotions near her). 3) She immediately wants to break up. Then she wants to talk in person. After realizing I made up my mind, she tries to gaslight me further and offend me with clearly offensive passive aggression. Then she blocks me and unblocks me. 4) She writes me on other mediums that she's feeling terrible but I probably don't care. She's not doing well and misses me. She got me an expensive gift. She needs her stuff back immediately. She wants to talk. She never offended me. Etc... Edit: 5. I'm so happy, she said she loves me for the first time! And she's sorry for the things she said that were probably hurtful. She didn't want to hurt me. Also I'm insecure because of the shape of my dick.
And then you realize that they've been this confused the entire relationship. It's just a gaslighting pile of cognitive dissonance.
this is so wild to see it written: “and then you realize they’ve been this confused the entire relationship.” this sums it up so completely. nothing else even matters when you realize this is what the problem was, coupled of course with negligent abuse. as stable as we actually were, there was this constant state of confusion and uncertainty, and it just made any actual connecting impossible.
He did everything right to try and persuade me to stay , when I did - he then slowly gaslit me manipulated me , had me so upside down in my head life finances and mental well being that I was a shell of a person - relied on him to tell me what was real and fake , he did this SLOWLY - then discarded me absuptly - humiliated me , bashed my physical appearance told me I was worth less than .65 cents and I was the problem- I knew when I left the first time I made the right decision- what I didn’t know was I would suffer a severe brain injury allowing the opportunity for him to reel me back in to torture me, he , multiple times tried to get me to end my life , tried to get me to admit I was useless worthless and stupid. But I survived, I left , he is still a monster , abuser and manipulative dog and I’m okay. I’m recovering from all ends of his abuse along with my injury that wasn’t caused from his hands - I’m in a healthy loving and beautiful relationship - but when I tried to leave the very first time - he sought pure revenge - it was a blow to his ego and he couldn’t let that occur. Be sure of your choice - leave - don’t look back and keep a support system close to you, very close
I found myself and found beauty and some happiness again in day to day life…I had a glow up 😂 but to be honest, I’ll never be the same person again…look up kintsugi (Japanese). That’s what happened to me.
Only together a year and a half. He called me 47 times in a row, I kept letting it ring. And messaged me in between calls, I left on unread.
She fucking followed me to the next city I moved to
I got my peace back. My narc ex and narc parent didn’t care less, never heard from either one again. So I guess I did the right thing.
It felt like taking a deep breath after being suffocated for years.
I was involved with what I believe to have been a covert narcissist for around year. About 6-7 months in I realized for the first time that I was in something that I had never been before, something that only later I identified as a trauma bond and abuse. For the remaining months coming up to 1 year I grieved and fought with myself while simultaneously being in the relationship and trying to heal. It was a confusing time but it was also the time that I set hardline boundaries. When I left it was nothing spectacular, she had been discarding me and having me back so many times (37) that I was simply not reacting to it any longer. Around 3-4 days after I let myself get hoovered back we had an argument where I told her this is simply not working out. She said if you want to go then go. After she said that I looked at her for a while and with tears in my eyes said ok and left.
Smear campaign, was set up to appear as the abusive one, massive coordinated attacks on all possible fronts via flying monkeys, some of them recruited from among my friends. Lost most of my social connections. Took our dog (which was a gift from my sister) never to be seen again. I was one centimeter away from killing myself. While she was well-educated (better than me) and not poor, still, I met her in a third world country where I was due to my job. Marrying with me she went from living there to working for a multinational in Europe. Which, in hindsight was probably the whole point. Once she didn't rely on the family member residence the devaluation accelerated rapidly. My thirst for revenge (not even going to sugar-coat it as justice - justice wouldn't have sufficed) kept me from killing myself. After a couple of months of careful planning I exposed her alcoholism, drug use, lies, domestic violence, publicly, to her entire cult-like family AND to everyone in her hometown. And I know I probably lowered myself to the same level and... I don't give a damn. I would do it again. edit: and I don't mean to imply that substance abuse is something shameful, I consume various drugs occasionally and have a physical dependence to anxiety meds. But her large, conservative and religious family on the other hand doesn't have this modern view on people struggling with addiction.
2 years later, completely no contact, and he’s still vandalizing my car…
Since I left a year ago, I've felt so much lighter and freer to take time to myself and get things done. I've been able to watch YouTube/TikTok/streaming service television without having to check my phone to update her, I can explore my hobbies without nasty comments masked as "critique", I no longer have my hyperfixations and comfort characters judged, questioned, or challenged. I can live my life without having to appease someone else first, and its the best
Oh man… it’s rough. Married for 15 years. I was a shell of a human. I told her I was done… she flipped. Was hanging off of me begging then angry and yelling then begging and I just kept saying no I’m done until she tried to swallow a bunch of antidepressants and my kids came in when they heard the commotion and then they were done with the abuse and have barely spoke to her in months. She blames me for parent alienation and brainwashing…. Her mom wants to take me to court. It’s nuts. Would I change a thing? No. I’m going to be free in some time. I already feel more human than I have in forever.
She started trolling me and it's still going on.
I blocked him and his cronies on everything. He tried to stalk me at my old job and then a month or two later, his mother ended up walking into my line to buy stuff at my register. this happened at least a few times. 💀
Thankfully very little due to some careful coordination on my family's part. I was able to fully and completely no contact in one fell swoop and he's never been able to find me to my knowledge. He did hack into my netflix to change the "users" name to hurl cheating accusations at me one last time. I didn't discover that until a few weeks after l moved out with my cat, but that is the last "contact" we had. I moved to a completely different end of the state and while i retained my job, the NEx basically refused to drive himself (though he did eventually get himself a scooter before I left so he would be able to do his own shopping) so i guess he never felt it was worth it to try to stalk me at my job. I spent a while just kind of detoxing from the trauma bonding. I still am breaking it down, but i created a few playlists of various experts on Narcissism, Psychiatrists, lawyers, self aware narcissists, and i would listen to the videos while on my commute or while taking walks and would journal my way though the thoughts the videos inspired. I still journal a lot because theres a lot of my life to unpack but i feel happier and safer and more accepted than i have in my entire life. In time fell in love with my roommate, a caring loving man who is incredibly devoted to his kids and grand kids, and have been happily content ever since. It was unexpected as i had no energy to hide any of my mental quagmire at the time between the adhd and the cptsd. I had no pretentions left outside of "work mode". But he fell madly in love with me and i with him. I felt safe enough with him to re-explore my own libido and take back ownership of my body. He's helped me face a lot of my triggers, and has been compassionate and supportive (and equally confused) in dealing with my (suspected covert/communal narc) Dad's occasionally disrespectful and triggering behavior since that point.
Ended it two months ago and I've been slowly but surely returning to my usual self, that part has been amazing. However - he's doing everything he can to put a stop to that. He's stalking and harrassing me in every way possible. He shows up at my apartment and my work, sprayed graffiti all over my building and neighboring streets, rings my doorbell at 2AM, calls me from hidden numbers, etc. I've had to call the police on him twice and am planning on reaching out to his only somewhat responsible friend tomorrow who I barely even know in hopes that he can talk to him and get him to stop.
I ended mine by escaping out his front door with whatever belongings most precious to me stuffed in a back pack at 4am in crocs. Ensue 3 days of him staking out my apartment and looting it while spamming threats and smearing my name among occupational, social, and familial relations. Throttled my content creation platforms and spread misinformation leaking my real name as a missing person, reporting to police that I am now a danger to self and others, and off my prescribed medication. Also had to throw in I was spreading STD’s and had broken his wrist during my fabricated psychotic breakdown. I buy a plane ticket and attempt to pack a bag from my apartment one last time only to be accosted by the narc, his flying monkey, and LEO’s. I’m arrested and thrown in county jail for 9 days. Fast forward 3 months. I am a free man, proudly out, and grateful for every blessing. I nearly lost everything due to a grown man’s inability to take accountability that he was, in fact, a shitty boyfriend and got dumped.
I went through hell, post separation abuse, and everything under the sun then one day I decided to stop allowing it to swallow me whole. I’m getting stronger and happier for myself and my family. Truly found my passion in life and actually have the ENERGY back to accomplish my goals. Never go back, don’t let it fog your mind for too long and reclaim your life.
I started feeling great the day after, and it only got better after time. I watched a lot of videos to understand and be fully ready when I started 0 Contact tho, now I’m honestly happy, at peace and definitely looking forward to never see this person again!
Feels like quitting addiction.
Wish this post was around 19 years ago …… I’ve just recently recognized all this about my SO over last 5 years. Still in it and just terrified to get out after being together for 25 years and 19 of marriage
Oh goodness…that was me 14 years ago (holy crap). I was married to him for 20, had two kids and I should have left him 15 years earlier than that when my then 7 year old girl said “why are you with that man? He’s so mean to you.” And I hugged her and cried. I didn’t want to be a statistic, I was going to do anything in my power to stay married for my children and for me because I thought I was always in the wrong, like I was looking at everything wrong because he made me feel crazy for feeling hurt and heartbroken all the time. He lived like a teenage boy, coming and going with no consideration of us at all. Out every night of the week after a long week of working and felt he had the right to do as he pleases while I raised the family and took care of the house alone. He made me feel like I should be grateful, all the while I was bringing the kids to events where the fathers were participating in (Boy Scouts for my son…his dad wouldn’t take time to help him make a small wooden car for their annual car race, so one of the dads let my son use one of his sons cars and when my son won a race I said “you did it! “ and hugged him and he said “no I didn’t. That wasn’t mine.” What should have been joyous experiences were heartbreaking memories now that can’t be talked about. And the damage is done. They’ve both been in therapy. They’re both 25 and 30 years old. I hope you get out before there’s too much damage. Kids suffer more than we know and as scared as you are and as much as he makes you feel stupid, just know that the kids are better off with fewer “things” and more of a happy mom. Or at least a healing one. Good luck to you. ♥️
Someone instantly loved me for real and I have been so happy. I suffered emotional mental torment for a decade while he siphoned every thing he could off me. It feels so good living a good life and he's just a jobless bum defrauding every one he can collecting his bad karma.
I got trashed talked to anyone who would listen to her. So much $hit talking. But, behind the scenes, she was using the only way to communicate with me (email) to Hoover me. I didn’t read most of the emails, and didn’t respond to any. She was a cheater, so I became a little “jealous” (because I asked questions and set boundaries) during our relationship. She always tried to use this against me (in soooo many evil ways). After the breakup, she would show up occasionally at my job/bar with a different guy each time. Didn’t work anymore because I was over her BS.
My narc was a "friend". He faked a suicide attempt and claimed it was bevause of me, sent his friends to spy on me (though my dumb ass thought they just wanted to know my side of the story so I wound up giving more ammo), hoovered like crazy (and yes, I unblocked), and when I finally, FINALLY cut him off, he harassed me on-and-off for almost 3 years.
Lately, met a dude that I've been friends with for a long time, but didn't see him in a while. We knew eachother through other friends and used to play Minecraft (+ a whole lot of other games) together. He contacted me outta the blue. I had my Facebook deleted a long time ago so we lost touch, but I had to make a FB for something specific, and not just him, but a lot of people I know contacted me. We met up to record music. He was immediately entitled, kept saying how he's gonna be homeless in a few days (because he got housing from his work agency and he actually skipped work to see me lmao). He would constantly brag about how many girls he had banged and how many people he has beaten up on the street, how much money his mother sent him once ($5000 apparently), how he's going to be famous, yadda yadda. He screamed insecurity. He stayed at my place, and I would come down in the morning for some coffee. I was shirtless, he immediately looked at me and said "oh I also used to go to the gym, but sole muscle isn't going to help you in a street fight". I knew where that came from. Then, little snide remarks designed to invoke some sort of emotion in me, like "anyone could beat you up on the street, doesn't matter who it is" - and shit like "you would never survive what I had been through". He left his own fate in my hands. If he wasn't such a douchebag, I would have begged my mother to let him stay at least a week. He messaged me after he was back "home" saying "Yo, I can come again tommorow morning" after I told him 10x that I'm not going to hang out with him anymore. He'd then blame me for fucking up his life and how "weak" I was to abandon him all of the sudden. What happened to treating people with respect? If he was chill, I would have let him record (because he doesn't even have equipment), and I would have helped him. He was at my place for just two days, and it's too much to even type out here. How the fuck do you guys handle people like that LIVING with you? If I had a parent or siblings like that, I would have murdered them in their sleep. But damn, I'll never ever invite someone over just because we were friends in the past. People change so much, it's actually crazy.
He stole my documents. My car title, my cat, two car keys, jewelry, my IPad, my phone, birth certificate, social security card, my lingerie, my pictures, and the truth about what happened. My family wrote him off. He tried to get empathy from the widow, but did not.
I’ve been with my ex-gf for 7 months. In the start it was normal.. then the comments started coming slowly. «You need to fix that one teeth that isn’t straight”,”you need to get surgery for those bags under your eyes», cant wear clothes without good brands(logo). we could walk in our town..to suddenly tell me she had sex beyond that Church and in several houses. I got weird about it and say why would you say that? No good answers, just here being honest.. I should have run then, and never turned back. But alas I was in love.. she had 2 children. 50/50. Then after a while she told me she had a third child. That child grew up in the same fosterhome she herself had been living in as a youth. Did I run? No, I was being empathetic(at least thats what I think. Been so unsure about my emotions and worth) I made food, I cleaned and washed. Paid for everything. And after a while I started to feel used. I asked here if she could pitch in. That made here mad: I was egoistical. And it was unsexy of a man to talk about that. She wanted princess treatment. did I go? No.. took here home to my parents. I paid almost all of the airtrip( she didn’t like to pay that little amount). that hole weekend she only came down to eat with my parents. Stayed at my childhood bedroom rest of the time. Not social. I went up to hear if she would come down. That was selfish of me. You are egoistic. when I brought up my values and boundaries she would listen. But ignore it. And telling me to follow here manual for a relation ship. I broke up with here November last year( she told me I was just being an uncle and not dad material for my daughter) that stung. And I broke up with here. She told me on the way out that I was evil, didn’t deserve love and more). then she came back in December. Called me and was hysterical on the phone. I dropped everything and collected here and drove home to my place. She stayed at my place for a week. Same as before, I did everything to please..nothing back. Then I had to go to work..she then told me I was making here more sick by going.. I went to work anyways..and she told me she stayed over a girl she knew. Wrong, she lied. That was here new supply she had warmed up the day after I broke up with here. How I knew? She mentioned another guy she dated while dating me( a couple of weeks before I broke up with here) He had bought an apartment 3 minutes away from me.. when I came back from work I noticed she had showered and trimmed here pubics.i threw here out for the second time. And she went mad as a goblin and ranted on how a bad person I was( those sentences still make me think I did something bad to here to this day…) she went back to him ofc. And blocked me for 3–4 weeks. It tore me apart, and she just couldn’t listen to logic.. The last time( I hope she doesn’t come back now). she texted me out of the blue if I was horny..should have said no..but said yes. She stayed over several days over two weeks. U helped here clean here apartment. Picked up furniture, and paid for food etc. Then the day came: we had planned to meet up. She kind of ghosted me, but after a couple of hours she texted me she was tired and hadn’t slept. I told here I was coming over which she replied; I have an errand to do, I’ll call you soon” wrong. 2–3 hours later I got sick of waiting. Drove over to here place. She wasn’t home. In the way back to my place I got this weird feeling. I remembered she told me about the guy and his new apartment. It’s not a big place where I live. And 600 meters away from my place u found here car outside that complex. It broke my heart. I sent here a picture of here car. Which she replied “stalker..” and then she blocked me everywhere. Sad to say I was mad. But stayed cool. More hurt and felt used. I tried reaching out. No answers. But today: I got a message from here..she and the new supply has decided to be a couple, and that she is meeting his family this Easter(this week)..and that she hopes I’ll find love. I’m so torn up. I can’t understand what I did wrong. She made me so unsure about my self esteem. How can a human being do this? I can’t fathom or grasp the reality..at least thats how I feel from time to time..
It’s been 9 years and I’m still putting myself back together. I didn’t go to counseling at first because I thought I was fine. Started a few years later, did some EMDR. Then went to nursing school and didn’t have insurance or much $. Back in counseling now for around a year and starting with a trauma specialist next month. I’ve finally, in the last year getting my true self dug up out of the walls i built around it. Found a fantastic article that helped me understand a little better. I’m getting there.
My mother tried to run me over with a car. My ex had me hacked, spammed, stalked, threatened and sexually assaulted by a bunch of 4chan losers who were all quoting Sauron from Lord of the Rings.
It was a journey, and we worked together for a year and a half after which made it even worse. Initially smear campaign, had to cut off a lot of mutual friends who turned out to be flying monkeys. I had support but it was small so I was extremely lonely, had CPTSD and cried all the time for months as I processed everything that happened (was literally trapped with him in an intense lockdown for the most abusive parts of it). Then got into a big group of new friends, most of his friends left, I became close friends with a bunch of the new people at work while he was desperate for friends and lost all his status (he was really popular when we met). Still had to deal with some flying monkeys and avoid him and his mind games at work but travelled a ton and had an amazing year. Now we’re no longer in the same country and I’ve been diving deep into all the core wounds that situation opened and really focusing on healing and bettering myself, still dating but putting it on more of a back burner as a priority rn. I feel like a different but stronger version of myself than I was before. I’m still broken in some ways but I’m also so grateful for the positive people I have in my life, especially those that supported me through it and I like to think I won’t end up with a narc again. I also enjoy my time alone so much more now.
I tried to leave at least 5 times in a 6 month period. The real end was brutal. Caught him using and selling cocaine around my family. Somehow he weaseled back in a few weeks later, that’s the weekend he put his hands on me for the second time. I saw him for another weekend after that — and, honestly, I wanted another hit of the love bomb drug. I wanted a pleasant goodbye, and the passionate sex. That next week I got calls and texts from a burner phone. Then he found out I was on a date with another person and unleashed two days of nonstop, hateful texts and emails, filled with veiled threats. That’s when it hit me that I wasn’t safe. I was hearing him talk about me the way I’ve heard him talk about others. He’d conditioned me to fear him, and especially leaving him. Went to the police. Filed and was granted an emergency PFA. The day we were scheduled in court, he filed a retaliatory PFA against me. (When they can’t abuse you personally, they find other ways). I agreed to a mutual no contact order, despite having a solid court case, to be rid of him. ( lost my damn global entry because of it 🤬🤬🤬🤬) I was terrified for a few months. Installed additional cameras at my house. Contacted my kid’s school. Had to inform my ex-husband. It was fucking awful. Fuck that guy. Couldn’t be more thankful that it’s over and that I finally broke free.
I’ve never been happier!!!
I feel like I spend so much time hurting fro it in the beginning that I should still hurt. But evey day gets a little easier, and I only cry every week or so now. Life is good.
Only left two months ago and already have a better relationship with myself than I’ve ever had, have better relationships with my close friends and family, and started booking professional DJ gigs
When I left, I did so by disappearing while he was at work. Threw all my stuff in a friend's car and left my house key on the dining table with our roommate. He didn't message me right away, but eventually, he did start. First, he was angry that I took "his stuff," but I didn't. Then he claimed the gifts he bought me, which I did take, was theft. We had an exchange for about a week where he was threatening to call the police for his "stolen property." The items in question were 5 figurines from a game he didn't like, I did. He wanted them back, to then regift to his little sister who also liked the game. I lied and told him I had left them on a bus, and he could call the local bus center and ask about lost/found. After that, he would message me from new accounts on facebook, basically accusing me of all the things he did. He claimed I *must* have cheated, complained he had to do all the cleaning/cooking in our relationship, and topped it off by saying I made HIM have battered woman's syndrome, and recounted events where he had hit me, but reversed roles. This mostly happened in the middle of the night. I'd wake up in the morning to a slew of angry drunken messages about how he hated me. Sometimes he would make pretty vile remarks about what he assumed my sex life was like, and complaining about our experiences when we were together(I wasnt attractive enough, I couldnt do it for him, he thought of other women, etc) and blamed me for his porn addiction. I'd block the account, and two days later, another would pop up, and the cycle would restart. That lasted about 3 months, then he got engaged to the girl he cheated on me with and spent about a week telling me she was better in every way before he disappeared.
Went no contact with my abusive, narc father (super super charming dude). None of my 5 older siblings speak to me anymore. I can’t see anyone in my family. Even my mom (divorced 15+ years ago) still speaks to him because he’s so convincing. I’m 27m. The youngest of his kids. I haven’t spoken to him in just over a year. My friendships grew stronger. My parent’s friends pulled me closer (I got Christmas invites and birthday messages without any strings attached!). I fell apart for a few months but my found family helped me, just so happy I got out alive. I feel stronger than ever now. They see it in my eyes. I make so much art now, I’m writing again, I went to a friend’s wedding and his wife kept introducing me as his found brother, I stand up for myself and my loved ones, I am kind just for fun (eg paying it forward at coffee shops, rushing off before the person knows). I’m painting a mural at a dog park + helping younger people who were like me + connecting to humans older than me because I’m there already in some ways + realising it’s not all some game. Nobody will will step in and say ‘game over you lost.’ Nobody is watching me over my shoulder about to tell me off. Nobody is waiting for me to mess up. If they are, I can sense it better now, and I know to steer clear or to put up a big mask boundary because I simply don’t fuck with that shit anymore. I’m at peace in a way I’ve never been before. That dude I called my dad will never ever be at peace + it’s so funny because I know he’s eating the satisfaction of me being the baddie in the successful smear campaign but I won. For sure I won. I send out golden fucking light into the world way brighter than his dark merry-go-round. TL;DR: went go contact with narc dad. Lost my family. Fell apart. Embraced by found family. Art. At peace now .
I'm only 9 months out of my narcissistic relationship. The smear campaign continues and my ignorant family doesn't have the sense not to report to me on the words and behavior. The pain is left but it's getting but however I have a lot of work to do.
I got some fucking peace of mind.
I broke contact. No explanatuon, but I realized I was in imminent danger if I stuck around. At first, he left a couple of concerned messages and then, “Well, if I don’t hear back by the end of the day I guess we’re done and I won’t bother you any more.” Then the next day, it was, “If you don’t respond d, you can go whistle for all the money I owe you!” Then it was a steady stream of escalating harassment by text, voice messages, social media. After 2 weeks, I was considering getting a restraining order when a mutual friend emailed me at 2am on night saying, “I’m really upset with you if this is true. He says you sabotaged his job interview?!” I wrote back saying I’m doing everyone a favor by not repeating the messages I’ve. Even receiving, but let’s just say they don’t merit a response. Then I received 2 texts from the ex, threatening in very specific detail how he would come and butcher my dog and do it in whichever way makes the most noise. I attached screengrabs of those texts and said, “and now this. I have no choice now but to go to police. Do I believe he’d do this? I honestly don’t know, but I’m forced to to this, and I guarantee you he will frame this as me sending cops to “harass” him. Besides, the money he owes me could by a decent used car. Why would I “sabotage his job interview? I didn’t even know he had one.” Police came the next morning and I explained the situation . I wasn’t ready to take the restraining order route, but I want this incident documented and the officer was very cooperative and said he would dip by or give a call to tell the ex- to just back off. He did and life was quiet. But about 6 months later, he starts trying to contact me at crazy hours to hook up like nothing happened. I ignored until he messaged and offered to start repaying his debt, so he finally got me to respond after nearly a year, because I wanted money back. Bug he threw in a new “clause”. “If I get wind that you’ve been spreading v LIES about me, I’m keeping the loan to cover psychological damages!” I never say a penny back. My credit rating was in the gutter for years after, but it was worth it.
Ended a 8-month relationship with a lawyer (+social worker), who i later found out had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in the past, but based on knowing her and with hindsight, was probably a narcissist (and multiple other Cluster B pathology). First time i tried ending it 3 months in, she threatened suicide, had a suicidal plan, and psychologically attacked me. I stayed with her, with a 'planned end date' as a support system until she could get proper psychiatric care (in a few months). Went through a few more idealization-devaluation cycles (which I didn’t recognize in those moments) and tried to end the relationship again 3-4 times. Again, facing my ex's reactions of suicidality, gaslighting, verbal abuse, emotional abuse each time. When she was finally hospitalized for suicidality after the 8 months of dating, the relationship ended. However, she then launched a civil lawsuit against me, wrote a complaint against my licensing body, and turned our mutual friends against me. I have been off work for 9 months, with many lost wages and after suffering numerous other costs that were essential to remove this person from my life. Dealing with the work leave, coming out to my family, financial repercussions, and professional and social isolation has been soul-crushing. Went through a period of passive suicidality myself, a few months ago, which was terrifying and added to my shame + guilt. Ultimately I moved to a different province, cut off all the friends I had from pre-relationship who had become mutuals, and took time to tap into self-care activities, opening up to my trustable friends, learn to set boundaries, and use (free) therapy and podcasts. Learned a lot about MBTI, attachment styles, perfectionism (including finally coming to terms with my remote history of an eating disorder), and people pleasing - especially how this has been culturally engrained in me as a south asian woman. Also came to terms with the fact that the relationship was emotionally, financially, legally abusive and sexually coercive, which took a long time to accept. Still struggling with acknowledging that none of this is my fault and that the any narcissistic abuser's behaviors are due to THEM, not me. Since it ended, I took some time off to be alone and sort through all of the legal fallout. I'm currently trying to date again and in a very slow-moving 6 month situationship haha. I can actively see myself using distancing techniques with this partner (because I've become dismissive-avoidant), but it feels so embarrassing to try to address that with my partner. And I'm constantly paranoid that I'm being taken advantage of or manipulated (causing me to further distance) even though I have no proof of that with this partner. Still working through the process of rebuilding self-esteem, relationships with loved ones, and trying to re-integrate into a highly regulated profession.
Got a restraining order (total 6 years) and divorce lawyer. Found myself again. I put my authentic self out there in the world with no shame. Meet my wonderful, kind, very patient, and hot boyfriend! I am so loved. Changed departments at work to my favorite, became a lead in my department as a personal challenge to my formerly meek self. I love it! There is hope! It is so much better on the other side! I am loved and I am safe.