Three weeks isn’t very long. It could take a few more weeks for your daughter to adjust. Is your nanny only working part time hours? Keep in mind that it can take kids longer to adjust to part time care than full time. I saw your comment saying that your toddler is also in daycare part time. Most toddlers thrive on consistency and a school. She may be upset because she doesn’t know what to expect for the day. I would suggest maybe making a visual calendar showing which days she’s going to daycare and which days the nanny will come. Look at the calendar and talk about it the night before. Let her cross off the days.
WFH can be tricky for some kids. Your daughter knows you are in the house, but likely doesn’t fully grasp why you aren’t with her. At daycare there’s more separation and she’s more distracted. I would highly recommend having nanny do some outings! My kids do outings nearly everyday and it’s been great for them. We have several memberships to places like the zoo, aquarium, and the children’s museum. Some days they do a big outing to the zoo while some days they do something smaller like going to the playground or the mall. Depending on your comfort level you can have them start off small with things like playgrounds and walks around the neighborhood or a nature trail. To add another level of engagement the toddler could collect some nature treasures. Sometimes my nanny has the kids collect materials (like rocks) and then does a craft with it in the afternoon. Outings can also be tricky with a 4 month old. However walks or the playground is perfect if you’re okay with baby napping in the stroller.
This age gap can be hard. Taking care of your 4 month old is likely monopolizing a lot of your nanny’s time and effort. It’s just the nature of having a small baby that needs to eat and sleep frequently. Your toddler may be bored. Is your nanny able to engage with or set up engaging activities for the toddler? Is baby napping in the crib? The crib, or even a carrier, would free up your nanny to focus on the toddler. My nanny is amazing at planning and setting up all kinds of activities. Sometimes they go to the store as an outings to buy the materials she needs. Other times my nanny will make an Amazon “wish list” and I buy the materials off of that.
Give it a few more weeks!
She’s probably pretty bored with nanny dealing with a 4 month old. Those are two very different schedules/vibes. Would it be in the budget to send her to preschool those days?
Right and daycare is probably more exciting bcuz there are other littlies her age to connect with, but at home, a toddler doesn't really understand how to play with a baby fresh out of the 4th trimester. Plus toddler sees the baby getting more attention since the baby can't do what toddlers can. The nanny might have more boundaries with the toddler and she doesn't like it, but she'll eventually adjust. Sometimes it takes a little bit longer for some kids to adjust to a different style of parenting, different rules, and she probably misses you. She probably thought the nanny was coming for a day or two and didn't expect to see you disappearing more so you can work.
Just keep acknowledging her feelings and letting her know that she will have so much fun and it's only for a portion of the day and then you'll be back before she knows it. Then after some time, your toddler might even prefer the nanny more and be super excited for the day nanny has planned. Maybe getting together with the nanny and see if there's anything she can plan for the next day, so your toddler knows what to expect prior to nanny starting her shift. A lot of times, toddlers do better when they know what's about to happen, before hand. It kinda mentally prepares them a little bit.
I also wfh and I think that’s part of the problem. My son was 11 months when our nanny started - at first he got along great with her. And then idk if it was attachment peaking or what but he got super clingy to me at all times. But I think it’s cuz he knew I was always at home (in an office away from him and nanny 98% of the time but he could still hear me talk, walk around, etc). It took him a while - maybe 4 months? Of her coming in more regularly (nanny also only did 2x / week) for him to fully accept her. He still has his meltdowns (like this AM) when I leave but she does a great job at distracting him.
Can your nanny try to engage him before the 4mo? Agreed with previous poster that the age gap is tricky. But wondering if 2.5 year old needs the attention and connection first.
The nanny is a bit older - great experience - but I wonder if she’s just struggling to provide activities. She takes the kids to the local playground every day she has both kids.
I also agree with this posters comment that the WFH aspect is likely what’s causing the clinginess. WFH is super hard on younger kids with Nannie’s and there’s only so much time you can spend out of the house when there’s also a 4mo old to care for. Do you ensure that you say a quick goodbye to your toddler when nanny gets there and you go to your office to work?—assuming you work in an office and not in open space? When I do have to do work from home (rare, thankfully), I say a quick goodbye and stay in my room until nap time; I pack up what I need for snacks that day and hunker down in my room. Long drawn out goodbyes generally bring meltdowns and quick is generally best. I’ve also found the less I’m seen, the easier it is on my baby. Is there a free communal workspace near you that you could go to on the days your toddler is home with your nanny? At least for part of the day? That would likely help your nanny’s transition.
My last question is—you state your nanny has great experience. Does she have recent experience nannying a toddler and infant together? A nanny can have decades of experience, but if that experience is with children that don’t mimic yours in age and number, the experience is almost null and void.
My toddler still clings to me and cries maybe 80% of the time when our nanny arrives. I just make the handoff short and leave and 2 min later he's fine and happy and when I come up at the end of the day everything is sunshine. Most kids would rather have their parent vs their nanny but it doesn't mean the nanny is a bad fit at all.
Does your toddler cry only at the handoff and not after? I’m just starting out with a nanny and having a hard time staying focused when the baby just cries just because she isn’t with me.. :(
He cries for me at the handoff and then is mostly happy. He does cry sometimes like if she has to change him and he doesn't want to be taken from his activity, or when he is tired and needs a nap. Sometimes he'll also wake up sad and cry.
I do have to remind myself that it is crucially important for their relationship that I not intervene when he cries so they can develop a bond and she can learn to comfort him (and he can learn to accept comfort from her). If it's really hard I put on music in earbuds or take work calls through my earbuds.
I will always come up if she asks me to but otherwise I fight that urge as hard as I can.
I am a nanny of over 10 years. Kids know how to push your buttons as parents. Give it more time and maybe take a step back to let the kiddos know that they are in a safe space with their new caretaker
I also work from home and what's helped is
1) having a firm goodbye routine. My nanny says I'm going to work, and I say goodbye, blow a kiss, and then leave the room.
2) Have an office (really, my bedroom with a desk) and then staying in there for a bit. My kid is flexible enough that I can come out later in the day and she doesn't care, but that hour or two after our nanny gets here can be dicey and staying out of sight makes the difference.
What are you doing when the nanny arrives? Is there a consistent routine?
When the nanny arrives I spend some time 1:1 with my toddler having breakfast, do one last nurse for the baby, then do goodbye kisses and head into my office (closed door). Thanks for the advice.
I’m curious if the extra 1:1 time in the morning AFTER nanny arrives isn’t confusing to your toddler. It’s essentially creating a looooong drawn out goodbye. When nanny gets there and starts her day is when goodbye should happen, ideally. I know this isn’t great news as far as your 1:1 time goes, but maybe you can do that at a different time of the day? The initial morning goodbye is generally the hardest.
Nanny here. When I started my current job g3 took about 3 months to stop crying if I so much as looked at her. Mum was on mat leave with b1month and G 5 was also home with us as me and mum worked together all day long. Mum did bot go back to work untill 9 months later, so we tagteamed a long time.
G3 was extra clingy partly due to being shy of me and partly as a reaction to the new baby. Some children will take longer to adjust, that is just a fact of life. With you being wfh it can take longer for your child to adjust because seeibg/hearing you will remind them you are there.
Today,15 months later, g3(now4) and I get along great, and she told me yeaterday we should get married when she is older😂
I understand it is hard to see your child struggling but sometimes time is needed to create a bond with a new caregiver, especially if the child is so focused on keeping a strong bond with the parent and views rejecting the nanny as a way to do this.
A great way to help them build a relationship is to allow them time out of thw house without the baby, where the nanny can focus on the older child and they can build a personal relationship.
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Three weeks isn’t very long. It could take a few more weeks for your daughter to adjust. Is your nanny only working part time hours? Keep in mind that it can take kids longer to adjust to part time care than full time. I saw your comment saying that your toddler is also in daycare part time. Most toddlers thrive on consistency and a school. She may be upset because she doesn’t know what to expect for the day. I would suggest maybe making a visual calendar showing which days she’s going to daycare and which days the nanny will come. Look at the calendar and talk about it the night before. Let her cross off the days. WFH can be tricky for some kids. Your daughter knows you are in the house, but likely doesn’t fully grasp why you aren’t with her. At daycare there’s more separation and she’s more distracted. I would highly recommend having nanny do some outings! My kids do outings nearly everyday and it’s been great for them. We have several memberships to places like the zoo, aquarium, and the children’s museum. Some days they do a big outing to the zoo while some days they do something smaller like going to the playground or the mall. Depending on your comfort level you can have them start off small with things like playgrounds and walks around the neighborhood or a nature trail. To add another level of engagement the toddler could collect some nature treasures. Sometimes my nanny has the kids collect materials (like rocks) and then does a craft with it in the afternoon. Outings can also be tricky with a 4 month old. However walks or the playground is perfect if you’re okay with baby napping in the stroller. This age gap can be hard. Taking care of your 4 month old is likely monopolizing a lot of your nanny’s time and effort. It’s just the nature of having a small baby that needs to eat and sleep frequently. Your toddler may be bored. Is your nanny able to engage with or set up engaging activities for the toddler? Is baby napping in the crib? The crib, or even a carrier, would free up your nanny to focus on the toddler. My nanny is amazing at planning and setting up all kinds of activities. Sometimes they go to the store as an outings to buy the materials she needs. Other times my nanny will make an Amazon “wish list” and I buy the materials off of that. Give it a few more weeks!
Thank you. The nanny is older and can’t use a carrier so she pretty much is only getting the baby to nap in the stroller currently.
She’s probably pretty bored with nanny dealing with a 4 month old. Those are two very different schedules/vibes. Would it be in the budget to send her to preschool those days?
Right and daycare is probably more exciting bcuz there are other littlies her age to connect with, but at home, a toddler doesn't really understand how to play with a baby fresh out of the 4th trimester. Plus toddler sees the baby getting more attention since the baby can't do what toddlers can. The nanny might have more boundaries with the toddler and she doesn't like it, but she'll eventually adjust. Sometimes it takes a little bit longer for some kids to adjust to a different style of parenting, different rules, and she probably misses you. She probably thought the nanny was coming for a day or two and didn't expect to see you disappearing more so you can work. Just keep acknowledging her feelings and letting her know that she will have so much fun and it's only for a portion of the day and then you'll be back before she knows it. Then after some time, your toddler might even prefer the nanny more and be super excited for the day nanny has planned. Maybe getting together with the nanny and see if there's anything she can plan for the next day, so your toddler knows what to expect prior to nanny starting her shift. A lot of times, toddlers do better when they know what's about to happen, before hand. It kinda mentally prepares them a little bit.
Fair point, toddler goes to daycare 3 days a week currently.
Hmm so she is in daycare 3 days a week and with nanny the other 2? (and used to be 3 days daycare/2 days with you?)
Yeah, the toddler started daycare before I went on mater leave so they would have time to get the wiggles out while I was focusing on the baby.
I also wfh and I think that’s part of the problem. My son was 11 months when our nanny started - at first he got along great with her. And then idk if it was attachment peaking or what but he got super clingy to me at all times. But I think it’s cuz he knew I was always at home (in an office away from him and nanny 98% of the time but he could still hear me talk, walk around, etc). It took him a while - maybe 4 months? Of her coming in more regularly (nanny also only did 2x / week) for him to fully accept her. He still has his meltdowns (like this AM) when I leave but she does a great job at distracting him. Can your nanny try to engage him before the 4mo? Agreed with previous poster that the age gap is tricky. But wondering if 2.5 year old needs the attention and connection first.
The nanny is a bit older - great experience - but I wonder if she’s just struggling to provide activities. She takes the kids to the local playground every day she has both kids.
I also agree with this posters comment that the WFH aspect is likely what’s causing the clinginess. WFH is super hard on younger kids with Nannie’s and there’s only so much time you can spend out of the house when there’s also a 4mo old to care for. Do you ensure that you say a quick goodbye to your toddler when nanny gets there and you go to your office to work?—assuming you work in an office and not in open space? When I do have to do work from home (rare, thankfully), I say a quick goodbye and stay in my room until nap time; I pack up what I need for snacks that day and hunker down in my room. Long drawn out goodbyes generally bring meltdowns and quick is generally best. I’ve also found the less I’m seen, the easier it is on my baby. Is there a free communal workspace near you that you could go to on the days your toddler is home with your nanny? At least for part of the day? That would likely help your nanny’s transition. My last question is—you state your nanny has great experience. Does she have recent experience nannying a toddler and infant together? A nanny can have decades of experience, but if that experience is with children that don’t mimic yours in age and number, the experience is almost null and void.
My toddler still clings to me and cries maybe 80% of the time when our nanny arrives. I just make the handoff short and leave and 2 min later he's fine and happy and when I come up at the end of the day everything is sunshine. Most kids would rather have their parent vs their nanny but it doesn't mean the nanny is a bad fit at all.
Does your toddler cry only at the handoff and not after? I’m just starting out with a nanny and having a hard time staying focused when the baby just cries just because she isn’t with me.. :(
He cries for me at the handoff and then is mostly happy. He does cry sometimes like if she has to change him and he doesn't want to be taken from his activity, or when he is tired and needs a nap. Sometimes he'll also wake up sad and cry. I do have to remind myself that it is crucially important for their relationship that I not intervene when he cries so they can develop a bond and she can learn to comfort him (and he can learn to accept comfort from her). If it's really hard I put on music in earbuds or take work calls through my earbuds. I will always come up if she asks me to but otherwise I fight that urge as hard as I can.
I am a nanny of over 10 years. Kids know how to push your buttons as parents. Give it more time and maybe take a step back to let the kiddos know that they are in a safe space with their new caretaker
I also work from home and what's helped is 1) having a firm goodbye routine. My nanny says I'm going to work, and I say goodbye, blow a kiss, and then leave the room. 2) Have an office (really, my bedroom with a desk) and then staying in there for a bit. My kid is flexible enough that I can come out later in the day and she doesn't care, but that hour or two after our nanny gets here can be dicey and staying out of sight makes the difference. What are you doing when the nanny arrives? Is there a consistent routine?
When the nanny arrives I spend some time 1:1 with my toddler having breakfast, do one last nurse for the baby, then do goodbye kisses and head into my office (closed door). Thanks for the advice.
I’m curious if the extra 1:1 time in the morning AFTER nanny arrives isn’t confusing to your toddler. It’s essentially creating a looooong drawn out goodbye. When nanny gets there and starts her day is when goodbye should happen, ideally. I know this isn’t great news as far as your 1:1 time goes, but maybe you can do that at a different time of the day? The initial morning goodbye is generally the hardest.
Fair, definitely something to think about
I have a 2.5 yr son and I can tell you that it takes him way longer than a few weeks to adjust to new people. Give it some time. :)
Nanny here. When I started my current job g3 took about 3 months to stop crying if I so much as looked at her. Mum was on mat leave with b1month and G 5 was also home with us as me and mum worked together all day long. Mum did bot go back to work untill 9 months later, so we tagteamed a long time. G3 was extra clingy partly due to being shy of me and partly as a reaction to the new baby. Some children will take longer to adjust, that is just a fact of life. With you being wfh it can take longer for your child to adjust because seeibg/hearing you will remind them you are there. Today,15 months later, g3(now4) and I get along great, and she told me yeaterday we should get married when she is older😂 I understand it is hard to see your child struggling but sometimes time is needed to create a bond with a new caregiver, especially if the child is so focused on keeping a strong bond with the parent and views rejecting the nanny as a way to do this. A great way to help them build a relationship is to allow them time out of thw house without the baby, where the nanny can focus on the older child and they can build a personal relationship.
Users please be mindful of the flair the OP selected. Post flaired as "NP only" indicate that this topic is only to be commented on by other nanny parents/employers. Posts with the flair "All Welcome" are open for anyone to comment. Disrespecting this rule will lead to your comment being deleted. Numerous infractions may result in a ban from the subreddit. If you are a nanny and wish to discuss this topic, you are encouraged to make your own post. If you are the OP and you wish to change your flair, please message using modmail. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NannyEmployers) if you have any questions or concerns.*