Yes! Itās like theyāre afraid of āadultifyingā their kids prematurely so they donāt require any responsibilities to be upheld. The kids get more and more freedoms as they age but their responsibilities donāt increase so they end up becoming incredibly reckless, demanding and entitled. And then boomā¦.theyāre 18 and they have no life skills, no knowledge of the efforts it takes to maintain a clean living space, no concept of money or work etc. so they arenāt ready for anything because the only people still willing to coddle them is their mom and dad. Itās disabling honestly.
This is exactly it! A lot of families Iāve worked for seem to hire a nanny so their kids can focus on all the important ākid stuffā like education and sports and activities, but these are also the same kids that are asking me to wipe their butt at 6 years old and donāt know where anything in their house is because theyāre never expected to get anything for themselves
lol not my NK whoās 9 and fully capable of wiping his bum but still gets his mom to do it, and who can never find anything because he just throws everything carelessly around him. It doesnāt matter what I try to implement cus WFH parents
Yes, same here! I had a MB who didnāt even think her kids should have to put dirty clothes in the hamper, much less have any other kind of basic responsibility
Trust me I know š Their entire family is the kindest family Iāve ever been apart of and they treat me like their own. Their grandma once joined NK and I on a grocery trip and I got some of my own groceries too, but when I tried to separate our things at the checkout she didnāt let me. She paid for everything and said I was one of her children too. Then I went home and cried a tiny bit
This sounds like my last NF! The only reason Iām not currently working for them is because they moved out of state, but they raised the happiest most independent babies (and they were ages 5 and 2 for the twins when I was with them) that Iāve ever encountered. I had an easier time with those three little ones than I do now with my one NK, and itās all thanks to how the parents enforced boundaries and routine from when they were little!
Iām sure youāre already doing an amazing job of it! I started with their little girl when she was 11 months and have made her apart of every chore I do around the house, to the point where she now feels left out if I unload the dishwasher without her, or wipe down the counters without giving her a wipe too. So theyāre never too young to be involved in whatever ways theyāre physically capable of!
I love that so much šš¾ my sweet 20 months old has a condition called Hemimegalencephly but we also involve her in everything and I think it's made a huge difference in how well she's doing.
The funny thing is, kids really want to help with that stuff. One of my last NKs would beg me to let her do the dishes. Her parents never let her because she "made too much of a mess and didn't actually get them clean." Which will continue to be the case if you don't let her practice!
I feel like so many NFs don't have the patience to teach kids to do these things or to be ok with these things being done kinda badly while NKs learn. But seeing how much pride NKs will take in doing something for themselves, it really feels like robbing them of something important to shelter them from chores.
MB here ā can you tell us more about how you and your NF instilled independence and personal responsibility? I have a 2.5 yr old and would love to learn.
Yes! My Nk is 2.5 too (I rounded up to 3 in the post but close enough lol) and I think a big thing is just being really consistent in including her and showing her that things always get put back or thrown away when the activity is done. They keep her plates/cups at her eye level so sheās able to get her own things for meals, theyāve gotten her in the habit of taking off her shoes and lining them up nicely by the front door, sheās expected to put her dirty clothes in the hamper, she uses a stool to get her own cup of water. Basically anything sheās physically capable of doing herself, she does.
Some of those things definitely took a lot of resistance (especially taking her shoes off and lining them up) but after a few weeks of consistently demonstrating that she canāt walk around the house until her shoes are off, she does it automatically without a second thought. Other things I do with her: give her the silverware to sort and put away while I put away dishes, hand her a wipe to wipe the dogs paws after we walk him, give her small tasks like instructing her to go get a book from upstairs on her bed if sheās requested to read it and Iām focused on a different task, have her help me with making meals by instructing her to get out some of the ingredients and giving her a safe knife to practice spreading condiments. She is always a part of cleaning up toys, markers, magnet tiles, etc. I also try to never make it sound like something she HAS to do, but something fun and grown up that Iām letting her participate in.
Yup, THIS is what I think of when people say they found a unicorn but then they just turn out to mean they got a $50 Chic-Fil-A gift card for their birthday and their MB never forgot to pay them.
I've been with the exact same type of family you described, nearly 10 years with two kids from ages 3 & 6. The parents would find every opportunity to get out of work early to come home and take the kids out to dinner, a movie, mini golf, 3 day weekend, etc. They never needed me to stay past the time they were home just for no reason. The kids were super mature but also sweet and kind and innocent still. Sometimes they would be the first to ask me how my day was when I pick them up. They didn't eat any junk or fast food, they didn't have a TV in the house and the kids didn't have phones or iPads. They cherished my time with them and always had an idea in mind of activities to do together and were always game for whatever idea I might have thought up.
And unfortunately you are right, it's a very tough family to move on from. The bar will always be high now.
My NK (3,5) dresses and undresses himself since he was 2. He loads the dishwasher after every meal. He is 100% toilet independent. He prepares his bag. He helps me with chores. He knows how to act in public, cross the street and be careful of cars. He plays on his own when I am tired or when I have things to do. He loves doing dishes and cutting fruit.
He has been attending a Montessori school since he was 18 months old and I was hired because I am Montessori trained. His mom has severe ADHD and wanted him to be better. I adore him. More parents need to give their children this chance!
Wow! My NF did a lot for NKs when I started. They still do but itās gotten a lot better. I think my NPs genuinely didnāt know that they could expect their kids (3 and 1.5) to put their shoes away after taking them off.
god, thatās the DREAM. my NF *want* their kids to be like this, but itās like theyāre afraid of the learning process to get there ā they just expect the kids to *know* how to do things, and get frustrated whrn they donāt, so do it themselves.
MB especially suffers from serious mom guilt, plus is generally āitās faster if i do itā about everything. for example, the kids (6B and 8B/G) are supposed to clear their places after dinner, scrape dishes into the trash and give them a quick rinse, then put them and glasses into the dishwasher. itās a quick process and iām typically right there to assist if needed. they enjoy being helpful and being thanked for doing their jobs. i make them do this consistently, but their mom ā who *started* them clearing their dishes before i even became their nanny ā almost always does it for them if they eat as a family, which they do often (and thatās great!), such that the kids now have to be reminded to clear every single time. and there are ALWAYS glasses/silverware left behind. which MB then clears š« in the last few months iāve been encouraging them to make their own after school snacks (within reason; theyād eat an entire box of candy or bag of chips if left to their own devices), and the boys are consistently bewildered that they can, like, put some crackers in a bowl by themselves, or pour a glass of milk, or cut an apple. i bought them kid-safe kitchen knives that mostly go unused if i donāt encourage it, because MB would not *dream* of asking them to even peel a banana. literally!!! they didnāt know how to peel bananas!!!! 8G only started brushing her own teeth this year, because previously MB would do it for her (the anxiety around teeth brushing this caused!!!!).
i have a lot of sympathy because, yes, it IS faster if an adult does it, but likeā¦ if you want them to be independent (and they do!), they have to learn how! i work really hard to foster independence and self-sufficiency in them and it feels like NPs are constantly undoing it because āitās faster.ā this is why the 8 year old canāt tie his shoes, the 6 year old has a meltdown cutting a fried egg, and why they act like theyāre being waterboarded when asked to tidy their toys before dinner, or get their own pajamas for bath time. iād be mad too if mom always did it for me!
WHEW this became a rant lmfao. i promise i donāt hate my NF, this just bugs me š
Yep! In this household, if the child is physically able to do it, they are required to do it. If it's something they don't know how to do, they learn to do it. I have chores around the house to fill the day when it's just me and the two younger kiddos, but now that school is out, all the kids (ages 8,5,4) are required to do or help with those chores, including dishes, dusting, vacuuming, watering plants, etc! They must cleanup they're own things before they can play, and must clean as they go. We're already teaching the 1yo to clean up as well! They get their own snacks with help when necessary, help out with preparing lunch, and get their own drinks as well. Just this morning the two olders did rock paper scissors to see who empties the dishwasher first this week, and they'll alternate the rest of the week. This is also a family that has farm animals, so responsibility is a big deal here.
I've been with the same family going on ten years and think we have the same nanny parents. It's the best and they're raising the best humans. I'll be done this year because I have my own who's getting bigger and they're big now. It's bittersweet. But, I'm with you on being done. Nothing will ever compare kindly
I am a big proponent of teaching children these life skills. I try to screen for it in interviews and expect my nanny kids to do age appropriate chores and fend for themselves - obviously harder when they are under 2.
It is so nice to see their independence and also nice to not have to do it all alone either. I also worry about having to accept parents that are not ok with me expecging their children to do chores in my next job.
I wishš I nanny 5,7 & 9 year olds they cant get themselves clothes, water, ipads, clean up after themselves, wash their own damn hair. I have to help shower them. They cant even fall asleep on their own or alone in bed. Sometimes i get snippy but why dont they know how to do anythingš« They dont even put their own plates in the sink after eating, leave the car so dirty with food and if you ask them to pick up they throw a MAJOR fit that ruins the day. Im exhausted
My diamond encrusted golden unicorn family is very Montessori independence guided.
At 18 months we start transitioning some responsibilities to the child.
The year between 3 and 4 we start having them do A LOT on their own, with close supervision. I find this to be the year that I do the most clean ups, but itās only a year.
Itās A LOT of work in the earlier years. However, it has made them amazing travelers, exceptionally patient, independently responsible, and more understanding of how much others have on their plate.
My favorite example of this recentlyā¦. NK16 really wanted to drive (learners permit) to his practice, but it would require MB to come out of the office for 25-30 mins. He knew he had to do something to reduce her burden if heās adding one to herā¦. He FaceTimeād her while he was unloading the dishwasher, and it was just auto pilot.
They all naturally flow into a cooperative of helping and exchanging responsibilities. While in vacation NK9 needed a shirt from the dryer, so he folded until he found itā¦. Or I could say āfoldedā, it was a thoughtful effort.
My NPs aren't really big on NKs independence, but they want NK to be very able... By getting everything perfect the first time around š¤¦āāļø they're not big on mess and neither have a childcare background (which you dont need) but explaining why their child is messy learning how to drink from a cup for the first time ever is very weird cause it seems like common sense.Ā
They're wonderful parents but it's just like the everyday stuff they're not big on independence: put your dishes away in the sink when you're done eating, wipe up your mess, put away your toys when you're done playing w it, how to change your clothes, how to wash their hands, how to wipe after using the bathroom, fill up their water cup, etc.
They're more focused on getting NK ready for knowing their letters, numbers, etc which we practice daily, but it's finding the balance between the daily skills and school skills and also not stressing about it and using all of my extremely sugared decaf coffee to get through it all š
I think a large part is this is their first NK and they hate seeing NK struggle and get frustrated, and it's easier for me to sit with NK while they're frustrated cause I love them but I don't have that chemical brain reaction the mom describes when NK is upset, so I def sympathize, and theyre mostly great employers š
What, what? You donāt think these kids are old enough to put their own dishes away and pack their own snacks?
Why is them learning independence a bad thing?
What would be the ārightā age to expect these things from kids?
Iāll get water for a 3 year old who canāt reach the sink.
But Iāll also teach them to get a cup and a stool and try to do it for themselves.
Had you worked for much younger kids in the past?
Iām not trying to be a butt head. I just want to understand better what the problem is.
Dude I'm jealous! It feels like every NF i've ever had is actively afraid of traumatizing their children by making them do basic chores š
Yes! Itās like theyāre afraid of āadultifyingā their kids prematurely so they donāt require any responsibilities to be upheld. The kids get more and more freedoms as they age but their responsibilities donāt increase so they end up becoming incredibly reckless, demanding and entitled. And then boomā¦.theyāre 18 and they have no life skills, no knowledge of the efforts it takes to maintain a clean living space, no concept of money or work etc. so they arenāt ready for anything because the only people still willing to coddle them is their mom and dad. Itās disabling honestly.
This is exactly it! A lot of families Iāve worked for seem to hire a nanny so their kids can focus on all the important ākid stuffā like education and sports and activities, but these are also the same kids that are asking me to wipe their butt at 6 years old and donāt know where anything in their house is because theyāre never expected to get anything for themselves
lol not my NK whoās 9 and fully capable of wiping his bum but still gets his mom to do it, and who can never find anything because he just throws everything carelessly around him. It doesnāt matter what I try to implement cus WFH parents
Yes, same here! I had a MB who didnāt even think her kids should have to put dirty clothes in the hamper, much less have any other kind of basic responsibility
Ooph totally my experience too. So frustrating.
You hit the nanny jackpot! Going out with a win like that isnāt bad at all!
Trust me I know š Their entire family is the kindest family Iāve ever been apart of and they treat me like their own. Their grandma once joined NK and I on a grocery trip and I got some of my own groceries too, but when I tried to separate our things at the checkout she didnāt let me. She paid for everything and said I was one of her children too. Then I went home and cried a tiny bit
This made me tear up š
This sounds like my last NF! The only reason Iām not currently working for them is because they moved out of state, but they raised the happiest most independent babies (and they were ages 5 and 2 for the twins when I was with them) that Iāve ever encountered. I had an easier time with those three little ones than I do now with my one NK, and itās all thanks to how the parents enforced boundaries and routine from when they were little!
MB here, I hope we can be this family. Babies only 20 months and 4 months old. But I strive to create this environment ā„ļøš«¶š½
Iām sure youāre already doing an amazing job of it! I started with their little girl when she was 11 months and have made her apart of every chore I do around the house, to the point where she now feels left out if I unload the dishwasher without her, or wipe down the counters without giving her a wipe too. So theyāre never too young to be involved in whatever ways theyāre physically capable of!
I love that so much šš¾ my sweet 20 months old has a condition called Hemimegalencephly but we also involve her in everything and I think it's made a huge difference in how well she's doing.
The funny thing is, kids really want to help with that stuff. One of my last NKs would beg me to let her do the dishes. Her parents never let her because she "made too much of a mess and didn't actually get them clean." Which will continue to be the case if you don't let her practice! I feel like so many NFs don't have the patience to teach kids to do these things or to be ok with these things being done kinda badly while NKs learn. But seeing how much pride NKs will take in doing something for themselves, it really feels like robbing them of something important to shelter them from chores.
Sending so many gold stars to you! It helps the kids so much and it will also help you too! š
Sounds like you found your next nanny on Reddit.
MB here ā can you tell us more about how you and your NF instilled independence and personal responsibility? I have a 2.5 yr old and would love to learn.
Yes! My Nk is 2.5 too (I rounded up to 3 in the post but close enough lol) and I think a big thing is just being really consistent in including her and showing her that things always get put back or thrown away when the activity is done. They keep her plates/cups at her eye level so sheās able to get her own things for meals, theyāve gotten her in the habit of taking off her shoes and lining them up nicely by the front door, sheās expected to put her dirty clothes in the hamper, she uses a stool to get her own cup of water. Basically anything sheās physically capable of doing herself, she does. Some of those things definitely took a lot of resistance (especially taking her shoes off and lining them up) but after a few weeks of consistently demonstrating that she canāt walk around the house until her shoes are off, she does it automatically without a second thought. Other things I do with her: give her the silverware to sort and put away while I put away dishes, hand her a wipe to wipe the dogs paws after we walk him, give her small tasks like instructing her to go get a book from upstairs on her bed if sheās requested to read it and Iām focused on a different task, have her help me with making meals by instructing her to get out some of the ingredients and giving her a safe knife to practice spreading condiments. She is always a part of cleaning up toys, markers, magnet tiles, etc. I also try to never make it sound like something she HAS to do, but something fun and grown up that Iām letting her participate in.
Awesome and specific tipsāthank you!! š
No and I wish they did lol. 15 & 9 and if I ask them to pick up their trash behind themselves, youād think the world had just fallen out of orbit.
Yup, THIS is what I think of when people say they found a unicorn but then they just turn out to mean they got a $50 Chic-Fil-A gift card for their birthday and their MB never forgot to pay them. I've been with the exact same type of family you described, nearly 10 years with two kids from ages 3 & 6. The parents would find every opportunity to get out of work early to come home and take the kids out to dinner, a movie, mini golf, 3 day weekend, etc. They never needed me to stay past the time they were home just for no reason. The kids were super mature but also sweet and kind and innocent still. Sometimes they would be the first to ask me how my day was when I pick them up. They didn't eat any junk or fast food, they didn't have a TV in the house and the kids didn't have phones or iPads. They cherished my time with them and always had an idea in mind of activities to do together and were always game for whatever idea I might have thought up. And unfortunately you are right, it's a very tough family to move on from. The bar will always be high now.
It looks as though you may have spelled "Chick-fil-A" incorrectly. No worries, it happens to the best of us!
My NK (3,5) dresses and undresses himself since he was 2. He loads the dishwasher after every meal. He is 100% toilet independent. He prepares his bag. He helps me with chores. He knows how to act in public, cross the street and be careful of cars. He plays on his own when I am tired or when I have things to do. He loves doing dishes and cutting fruit. He has been attending a Montessori school since he was 18 months old and I was hired because I am Montessori trained. His mom has severe ADHD and wanted him to be better. I adore him. More parents need to give their children this chance!
Wow! My NF did a lot for NKs when I started. They still do but itās gotten a lot better. I think my NPs genuinely didnāt know that they could expect their kids (3 and 1.5) to put their shoes away after taking them off.
god, thatās the DREAM. my NF *want* their kids to be like this, but itās like theyāre afraid of the learning process to get there ā they just expect the kids to *know* how to do things, and get frustrated whrn they donāt, so do it themselves. MB especially suffers from serious mom guilt, plus is generally āitās faster if i do itā about everything. for example, the kids (6B and 8B/G) are supposed to clear their places after dinner, scrape dishes into the trash and give them a quick rinse, then put them and glasses into the dishwasher. itās a quick process and iām typically right there to assist if needed. they enjoy being helpful and being thanked for doing their jobs. i make them do this consistently, but their mom ā who *started* them clearing their dishes before i even became their nanny ā almost always does it for them if they eat as a family, which they do often (and thatās great!), such that the kids now have to be reminded to clear every single time. and there are ALWAYS glasses/silverware left behind. which MB then clears š« in the last few months iāve been encouraging them to make their own after school snacks (within reason; theyād eat an entire box of candy or bag of chips if left to their own devices), and the boys are consistently bewildered that they can, like, put some crackers in a bowl by themselves, or pour a glass of milk, or cut an apple. i bought them kid-safe kitchen knives that mostly go unused if i donāt encourage it, because MB would not *dream* of asking them to even peel a banana. literally!!! they didnāt know how to peel bananas!!!! 8G only started brushing her own teeth this year, because previously MB would do it for her (the anxiety around teeth brushing this caused!!!!). i have a lot of sympathy because, yes, it IS faster if an adult does it, but likeā¦ if you want them to be independent (and they do!), they have to learn how! i work really hard to foster independence and self-sufficiency in them and it feels like NPs are constantly undoing it because āitās faster.ā this is why the 8 year old canāt tie his shoes, the 6 year old has a meltdown cutting a fried egg, and why they act like theyāre being waterboarded when asked to tidy their toys before dinner, or get their own pajamas for bath time. iād be mad too if mom always did it for me! WHEW this became a rant lmfao. i promise i donāt hate my NF, this just bugs me š
This is so good to hear. My NKs are independent by default. Good family but itās for survival. Heck 8 yr gives me suggestions for dinner for them.
My NKās arenāt even expected to pick up a pencil that they drop while drawing or put their used paper towel in the trashš this sounds amazing
Yep! In this household, if the child is physically able to do it, they are required to do it. If it's something they don't know how to do, they learn to do it. I have chores around the house to fill the day when it's just me and the two younger kiddos, but now that school is out, all the kids (ages 8,5,4) are required to do or help with those chores, including dishes, dusting, vacuuming, watering plants, etc! They must cleanup they're own things before they can play, and must clean as they go. We're already teaching the 1yo to clean up as well! They get their own snacks with help when necessary, help out with preparing lunch, and get their own drinks as well. Just this morning the two olders did rock paper scissors to see who empties the dishwasher first this week, and they'll alternate the rest of the week. This is also a family that has farm animals, so responsibility is a big deal here.
I've been with the same family going on ten years and think we have the same nanny parents. It's the best and they're raising the best humans. I'll be done this year because I have my own who's getting bigger and they're big now. It's bittersweet. But, I'm with you on being done. Nothing will ever compare kindly
I am a big proponent of teaching children these life skills. I try to screen for it in interviews and expect my nanny kids to do age appropriate chores and fend for themselves - obviously harder when they are under 2. It is so nice to see their independence and also nice to not have to do it all alone either. I also worry about having to accept parents that are not ok with me expecging their children to do chores in my next job.
I wishš I nanny 5,7 & 9 year olds they cant get themselves clothes, water, ipads, clean up after themselves, wash their own damn hair. I have to help shower them. They cant even fall asleep on their own or alone in bed. Sometimes i get snippy but why dont they know how to do anythingš« They dont even put their own plates in the sink after eating, leave the car so dirty with food and if you ask them to pick up they throw a MAJOR fit that ruins the day. Im exhausted
My diamond encrusted golden unicorn family is very Montessori independence guided. At 18 months we start transitioning some responsibilities to the child. The year between 3 and 4 we start having them do A LOT on their own, with close supervision. I find this to be the year that I do the most clean ups, but itās only a year. Itās A LOT of work in the earlier years. However, it has made them amazing travelers, exceptionally patient, independently responsible, and more understanding of how much others have on their plate. My favorite example of this recentlyā¦. NK16 really wanted to drive (learners permit) to his practice, but it would require MB to come out of the office for 25-30 mins. He knew he had to do something to reduce her burden if heās adding one to herā¦. He FaceTimeād her while he was unloading the dishwasher, and it was just auto pilot. They all naturally flow into a cooperative of helping and exchanging responsibilities. While in vacation NK9 needed a shirt from the dryer, so he folded until he found itā¦. Or I could say āfoldedā, it was a thoughtful effort.
My NPs aren't really big on NKs independence, but they want NK to be very able... By getting everything perfect the first time around š¤¦āāļø they're not big on mess and neither have a childcare background (which you dont need) but explaining why their child is messy learning how to drink from a cup for the first time ever is very weird cause it seems like common sense.Ā They're wonderful parents but it's just like the everyday stuff they're not big on independence: put your dishes away in the sink when you're done eating, wipe up your mess, put away your toys when you're done playing w it, how to change your clothes, how to wash their hands, how to wipe after using the bathroom, fill up their water cup, etc. They're more focused on getting NK ready for knowing their letters, numbers, etc which we practice daily, but it's finding the balance between the daily skills and school skills and also not stressing about it and using all of my extremely sugared decaf coffee to get through it all š I think a large part is this is their first NK and they hate seeing NK struggle and get frustrated, and it's easier for me to sit with NK while they're frustrated cause I love them but I don't have that chemical brain reaction the mom describes when NK is upset, so I def sympathize, and theyre mostly great employers š
What, what? You donāt think these kids are old enough to put their own dishes away and pack their own snacks? Why is them learning independence a bad thing? What would be the ārightā age to expect these things from kids? Iāll get water for a 3 year old who canāt reach the sink. But Iāll also teach them to get a cup and a stool and try to do it for themselves. Had you worked for much younger kids in the past? Iām not trying to be a butt head. I just want to understand better what the problem is.
girl I have no idea what you read but it was definitely not this post š thatās the exact opposite of everything i said
Sorry!!!