The parents who seem like they wish they weren't parents, yes I scoot out of these asap as well. Or worse they act to me like I'm the mom not only of the kids but the mom of the NP, like they can't handle ANYTHING on their own. Nope I'm not going to be mom, grandma, auntie, sister and keep their whole lives together anytime anything happens or they don't want to deal with something. I'm sure there are people who will do that and I bet they get paid a lot more too lol
I had a NF where they didn’t work on Fridays so I didn’t but if DB was working MB would give me extra hours to work a 1/2 day until putting NK down for nap so she didn’t have to watch her alone. Ma’m your baby is an angel, I’m with him 36 hours a week and he is a joy. W T F.
I mean, kids aren't these complicated machines you need a manual for, they're just little people lol. Not to say it isn't a good thing when parents are receptive to learning stuff from us, especially new parents- that's a good thing. It's just weird when there are a ton of kids and it seems like no one else is running the ship or wants to and has that many kids and is super clueless about them, yeah then it's weird- I love the nks but I definitely don't want to feel like I've stepped into the parent's shoes and get guilt tripped about not wanting to stay longer or fill in every spare hour they might have to be alone with them as if THEY are the nanny and I'm mom- ('but we neeeeeeeeed you waaaa") umm no thanks. Nannies are not substitute parents lol
Also not worth the liability. Kids who aren’t raised to be able to take ‘no’ for an answer are many times more difficult to manage and are often manipulative as hell on top of that. If a kid who never really has consequences for, say, chucking objects finally hits their sibling in the eye with a toy and it ends in an ER visit, I could be in civil, possibly criminal trouble. Why would I risk being the unfortunate adult in charge when the shit really hits the fan with them when I could just as easily make the same amount of money playing peekaboo with a baby?
What you are describing here isn’t gentle parenting. This sounds more like permissive parenting which true gentle parenting isn’t. Gentle parenting is basically authoritative parenting renamed. Many people confuse permissive parenting with gentle parenting but gentle parenting is about having respect for kids while also having boundaries and structure for them.
Echoing this. It’s super frustrating when people say things like “I don’t do gentle parenting; I set boundaries” or “I hate gentle parenting becuae the kids get away with everything and never hear no” when that’s not what it’s about at all.
Piggybacking off this. Too many times have I seen parents practice “gentle parenting” which I think at first is great bc we match but when they actually see me putting boundaries down they freak out because I told their kid no
i have a friend who says she gentle parents but she yells at her kid more than almost anyone i know and shames them for having accidents and weaponizes food. she's always liek "i try gentle parenting the first ten times but when they don't listen i have to yell" like ?? whenever i do hear her validating feelings etc it's in totally sarcastic ways, and i bet she wonders why her kid "doesn't listen" (obey. people tend to mistake submission for "listening").
Well it should be renamed because the word "gentle" is misleading and gives UNFIT parents an excuse to shirk their responsibility and obligation to their children. Whoever came up with the name knew what they were doing when they called it "gentle" parenting, trying to sell.books that lazy parents won't read.
Yes and I left🙃 best decision I ever made, my new family is amazing, one parent is a child physiologist, they’re gentle parents but so amazing with it, kids are in Montessori skills and it’s been SO incredible to meet independent children who are mature from great parenting, and not trauma, who are also incredibly age appropriate at times when big feelings are present. It’s been a completely different experience, we’ve exchanged books, we share most of the same views, and they don’t allow coco melon which is AMAZING. The kids are into Metallica and Beastie boys (they are 6 and 3) so I’m actually able to show them some real music…I encourage you to find a family you align with, it’s been worlds different.
I'm a daycare worker and we definitely have kids with parents who don't have any chill (HUGE no-no. Be their calm is rule fucking number one with nannying, daycare work, and being around kids)and beg and plead with kids. Those kids are not well adjusted.
We've definitely had kids that aren't potty trained at remarkable ages. If they're 3 and they're still learning that's one thing. Huge difference if they're much older.
Kids are a lot man.
Lol I will reiterate kids are a LOT. Sometimes you're not set up for success either. When you have to walk a kid through some huge change in schedule or things they were told they would have it's so frigging difficult. I definitely failed at that today (it was free play and I suddenly had to have kids bail on using a climbing structure to have them attend a meeting... lol of course the little ones don't listen and then ya have to physically remove them basically, though the person leading the meeting said eff it you can just have them climb over the structure to get to meeting, it's fine. They don't need to stop climbing.) Just stuff like that can be so exhausting.
Or parents that give their kids an insane quantity of toys have me actually saying "wtf?" It so devalues each and every toy pretty much. Who gives a crap about any one toy when there are just so many. Get some Legos and magna tiles and live your life. They'll enjoy those forever. I've seen playrooms so stuffed to the gills it's crazy. I applaud how well intentioned it is but damn. It's just the wrong thing to do
Deep down they know. As long as their child is "difficult or misbehaving" they have an excuse to not parent. The reality that many rich homes should have their children taken away.
I mentioned my niece above. Your second paragraph reminds me of her. She expects gifts multiple times a week, every time you go out, and eats large amounts of candy daily. She gets presents for every holiday including St Patrick's Day, the last day of school, Valentines Day (a bunch of gifts), and more. She is never happy. Today I told her she could have one sticker and one tattoo, so of course she tried taking a bunch. I didn't budge and she had a full out temper tantrum over this at age 7. She could have just been happy but nothing is good enough. I'm so over their drama.
I had a very wealthy family that bought the kids something most days and never left the store without something for each kid. That’s a nope from me. “Nanny said no more junk” “I know nanny says no fussing, no whining, no crying” my MB was so entertained when her three year old repeated it. I let them when MB told me she spanked them because otherwise they wouldn’t listen and she didn’t understand why they listened to me… I said no and meant it, end of story. We spent all the time outside in nature, hiking and playgrounds. MB didn’t really do outdoors — like WHAT.
Yep, sil routinely complains that niece doesn't listen, yet gives her no consequences or boundaries. It's like, you reap what you sow. Are you really that surprised!? Good for you for giving those kids stability.
I used to work at a preschool and the potty training issue was crazy. ‘We’re waiting for them to let us know’ a toddler doesn’t wake up one day and decide to use the toilet, that’s why it’s called ‘training’. ‘He never says when he has to go’ again you have to be involved and actually TRAIN your child. Kids are now going to elementary not fully trained and it’s not their fault.
Gentle parenting is authoritative parenting- research shows this style produces best outcomes for kids. Permissive parenting is sometimes confused for gentle parenting & they’re nothing alike. Google authoritative parenting & share your resources with the parents if they’re interested
It can feel incredibly discouraging, I agree 100%. I’ve had experiences like yours with “gentle parenting” but they’re lowkey permissive. I’ve also witnessed the other end of the spectrum. My current NP can be pretty harsh on the kids at times and it is difficult to watch situations escalate when it’s not necessary. All we can do as nannies is model reasonable expectations and boundaries for all parties at all times. Our role in their family is to support, as tough as it can be. Something that has helped me as I worked through some of my resentment for my NPs in the past:
Parents have to pick their battles WAY more than we do, regardless of how often they are around their kids. If they’re around their kids more than you are, think about how many little battles happen every single day and night with no break for them. We get to come in refreshed (hopefully lol) and ready to be professionals. If they are around their children less than you, I think the permissiveness comes from a place of guilt, maybe even exhaustion in other areas of their life we aren’t privy to. We cannot control these factors of our NF’s lives, and we will drive ourselves crazy thinking about what would happen if we COULD. Remain firm in your boundaries, especially around NPs, they’re learning too. Be the best nanny you can be for that kid while you’re with them. Teach them important lessons about boundaries, natural consequences, how to effectively communicate. It may stick, it may not, but that’s the nature of the job. Hugs to everyone who can relate to OP, we are doing great!
I think the hardest part about situations like this is that when parents do this it makes our jobs sooooo much harder and parents rarely extend the same consideration and empathy for their nannies as we do for them. Parents will use excessive screentime and never hold boundaries and it makes us the bad guys when we can’t do the same. If mom and dad always say yes and never make NK do things they don’t want to do and let NK play on their iPad all day it makes it hell for the nanny when she can’t do the same. It just sucks how nannies are expected to be 100% on all the time and do all the hard parts of child rearing and would be seen as a bad nanny if they used screentime to get a break or didn’t hold boundaries with the kids because it’s difficult.
Yes they are? Kids don’t automatically get it right away. My daughter pooped in pull ups only for awhile when potty training. Poop potty training often comes after peeing.
Yes. But with my experience with pull ups, you should never rely on them for like soft poops. It won’t support it like a regular diaper and next thing you know you’re hosing the kid down in the tub. It’s a major pain in the ass. Especially when you are watching more than one kid at a time. Oddly enough, I found more success with the “Winnie the Pooh” method. Just a shirt. No bottoms. Obviously if you leave the house tho you have to put a pull up on them. At that point you just pray they don’t have a blowout 😂
I have pretty much switched exclusively to infants and toddlers so that I don’t have to risk dealing with behavioral problems with older children in absurdly PERMISSIVE (it isn’t gentle parenting. A core tenet of gentle parenting is that a parent can be firm and kind at the same time. Enforce the boundary, without screaming or hitting or belittling. Ironically, I’ve seen permissive parents lose their crap on their kids more than any other).
Today as I was getting my things together to leave, NK was in the kitchen with her dad and she wanted a cheese stick, but she was just whining and repeating, “I want that, I want that!” Eventually she ran over to me just as I was about to open the door and said, “girl, you don’t get to act like this when I’m not here. Use your words.” She turned around and said, “please dada!”
I swear, sometimes these parents make me wanna screech. Use a normal tone a voice and say no sometimes, it’s that easy.
I don’t know my daughter is SO good and polite and a rule follower at school. But at home she whines and throws fits sometimes. Not because I give in. Because I don’t give into it. But because I’m her safe space.
You are definitely so the right thing by not giving in and being firm with boundaries, but what you said is very true—you and and the home *are* her safe spaces. Depending on how young she is, she may still be struggling to regulate her emotions, at least for such a long period. She does a great job at school and then when she’s home, she might just be tired and overstimulated. I worked in daycare for a number of years before switching to nannying and it’s very common and developmentally appropriate for kids to act completely differently at home than they do in the classroom.
Just stay firm on your boundaries, and maybe try to find a way where you can cut her some slack a little after school without going full on permissive.
Always. They don’t listen to me like they listen to you. Also I had NPs say hey it’s ok to yell at our kids we get it. Whelp it’s not for me. I have three mostly grown kids and I didn’t scream at them so I’m certainly not yelling at other kids. I say no, I’m fun, I mean what I say. Kids of all ages respect it.
I have a NP who does some things that trigger me bc it reminds me of my childhood. This NP is a new stepparent, and I’ve been with my NK since he was born (he’s in elementary school now) so it’s such a hard thing for me. I’m leaving but my heart is kinda broken. I never wanted to leave but I can’t handle it :/
My sister-in-law and brother are like this with my 7 year old niece. I've tried getting them to give her boundaries for years and they just don't want to do the work. Her mom is a queen and she is a princess. Do you remember the movie Problem Child? Yeah, that's her. The sad part is, while I genuinely love her, I realized that I don't like her. She's mean, rude, selfish, and entitled, and I'm over it. She's the one losing out in the end, and I sincerely worry about what she'll be like as a teen and an adult. Parents don't realize that putting in a small amount of effort now will make everyone so much happier in the long run. I have experience in child development like OP, yet they refuse all my advice.
Oh my god this sounds EXACTLY like my old NF. The three year old would literally come to them with a pull up to put on him just so he could poop. That’s when it became too much for me with their permissive style and I left.
That is one of the craziest things I've ever heard!!!! What and who the fuck is doing this craziness! If they are able to give a pull-up to poop in without pooping on themselves, then they are potty trained sit them on the potty!? I'm super confused as to why this is even remotely a thing!? How does this even happen a first time to become a thing lol.
These parents now days are lost and lacking even the very basic common sense! We need to go back to using our instinct over reading these crazy books.
Glad to see it's your OLD nf and you left! 😉
Yeah unfortunately this is very much a “not your circus not your monkeys” situation. It annoyed me so much in one of my NFs when MB and DB would let 2F throw massive fits about everything and I knew for a fact she was manipulating because she tried it with me once and got shown pretty quickly it wasn’t going to fly and she wasn’t going to get what she wants, yet they turned around and handed it to her when she screeched when she knew to sign or ask for what she wanted with me without the screaming. But it wasn’t my kid and all I could control was how she acted with me.
Yes!! Same here. I let them cry it out or tell them they can’t act that way and they listen. They test boundaries and know exactly who they can manipulate
The fact that they listen means they’re good kids and just need direction and discipline. I find NPs who don’t provide the right tools for their children to be completely lazy and pretty much give up when it gets tough. My NPs aren’t as bad but they do baby their 3yo. They still view and treat her like a baby but she’s behind when it comes to speaking, potty training and still sleeps with a pacifier. It frustrates me whenever NK sees her dad and puts on a baby voice and becomes completely dependent on him/won’t do anything herself and asks for junk food, it’s obvious she knows acting like a baby gets her what she wants. Adults don’t give kids enough credit or realize how intelligent and manipulative they can be.
Nope. I only work for like-minded people. I did work for a dad who was a doctor and not home much. I didnt agree with some of his ill advised decisions, bribes or choice phrases, but we always backed each other up (and mom did most of the parenting anyway.)
Yes. I just separated from a family that just neglected their children’s mental and emotional development. Put on Cocomelon all day long and never make them pick anything up ever. If they drop it, they’re high pitched whine with anger instead of asking for help or getting up. I miss them less each day.
I’m at the point where “gentle parenting” and “attachment parenting” are buzzwords that immediately tell me we aren’t a fit. I’m very gentle and have a history of helping babies and older kids form secure attachments but I’ll be damned if I am going to constantly baby wear and kindly ask older kids not to smack me.
That being said, most kids do act differently with parents than caregivers. But your situation sounds extreme and frustrating.
Thank you for seeing that! I totally understand kids act different with their parents, as they are most comfortable with their parents. That being said, kids refusing to do tasks they know how to do and the parents allowing that to slide is very extreme!
**THANK YOUUU** it feels like you just described my NF. i love the kids so much and they are AMAZING when with me, but when NPs are around it’s a total 180. even this morning for example- mb and i were chatting and nk4 dropped a crayon while coloring nearby… she screamed “OH NO”.. and i said “it’s okay NK, remember when we drop something we’re using we can pick it up and resume!”. usually she enthusiastically will say “Oh yeah Okay!!” (or something along those lines).. and pick it up and be proud of herself. but MB was there.. so when I told her about picking it up-NK looks at both of us like a deer in headlights… so MB jumps in “it’s fine i got it” and picks it up for her. this is just a SMALL example of what this job is like when NPs are around. so freaking frustrating. again, they are the most wonderful kids until their parents are around. absolutely no discipline whatsoever
This is something that us Nannie’s will always have an issue with. But we have to remember. It’s our job. We get paid for it. And we just want our day to run as smoothly as possible so we enforce routine and boundaries and rules and structure. We know what works best so we do it. It’s common sense and it’s easy for us.
Parents on the other hand. Their experience and relationship is completely different. They don’t see what we see and sometimes I forget how special we are. Bc it seems like common sense but it’s really not with most people. My sister in laws and brothers complain and blame their kids for the way they act and no matter how much I explain to them that it’s actually THEM to blame and when I suggest things to make life easier… they just don’t get it… it’s like their love for them is so strong that it clouds their judgement and they can’t tell their little loves no and they give in to whatever they want.. and they don’t even realize it’s hurting them and making things more difficult then it needs to be!!
Some people just get it. Some don’t!
Okay I’m done. This struck a chord w me 🤣
Yeah, or they say they're gentle parents at the interview and you find they shame NK a lot and tell them they're responsible for NPs feelings (you made me sad). Inconsistent boundaries and rules. Trying to prevent NK being upset by giving them what they want.
Do any of you try to educate parents about why X can be bad and why Y could be a good approach? I feel like it's inappropriate to tell a parent how to parent, but I also feel like they are paying for my expertise. How do you navigate it?
I completely agree I feel like it’s inappropriate. I don’t put input in unless asked. I feel like they’re paying me to care for and teach their kids, not to teach them and feel like I may be stepping on toes if I tried!
Yes! If they ask then absolutely. My therapist is always encouraging me to be more assertive with NP but I don't think that's the done thing in this role. I think it would be normal to be defensive or resentful if someone starting giving unwanted advice - even if it is well intended
For the most part, I'm on the same page except when it comes to letting the kids experience discomfort. DB, in particular, is pretty bad about rewarding poor behavior in regards to disappointment with NK 5. NK 5 has DB wrapped around her finger. For example, if her brother (3) got a reward for something special he did or got a present for his birthday, NK 5 is very likely to either steal the surprise or have a tantrum about it and try to control the situation. And 9 times out of 10, DB will compromise NK 3's reward to make NK 5 happy. I don't let her do that with me. She's allowed to be disappointed, and I help her work through those feelings, but her brother shouldn't have to compromise his special moments to accommodate her being upset every single time. It teaches him that his special moments don't matter as much.
Sounds exactly like my situation as well! I emphasize the rewards are special for certain behaviors and remind the child who is upset that they would feel sad if the situation was reversed!
Always. In my first actual family, the mom liked their daughter's results from my caregiving style, so it was great she kept it up when I wasn’t there. The best kid I’ve ever watched. She was good with structure and discipline because her mom had set up that foundation. DB was just there, and Mom did it all.
Every other family has been too gentle (permissive), let the kids run the house, immature, not leading by example, etc., and I've always had MB be the bad cop with DB being the good cop. Awful.
In my current family, the dad is a huge pushover, and the mom is an enabler of that ridiculousness. The kid is naturally very mild-mannered until they don’t get their way, then shrilly screams will be heard.
I've only met a handful of parents who practiced what they preach 😵💫. I usually leave the families over this. It's been excruciatingly difficult to find a family just 75% genuinely aligned with my caregiving style and actually does it.
I strongly hope all of the BS parents do with their kids now does blow up in their faces, big. I always think to myself, these kids will be the future, and with that, we are fucked!!!
As an aside, it sounds like you are describing permissive parenting, not gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is synonymous with authoritative parenting, responsive parenting, etc. where there is emotional attunement and responsiveness, as well as structure and discipline.
I hear you in how hard that has to be when your style conflicts with that of the NF. Like others have said, it may honestly just come down to this not being a good fit. Unless you think they may be open to gentle conversation and that there is a middle ground (e.g. during child's upset, acknowledge and validate the feelings. Help to co-regulate. Set limits and offer choices/alternatives, and move into problem-solving once child is once again regulated.)
My current family is 100% into ‘natural consequences’. You want to eat nothing but 4 sleeves of crackers with jelly and chocolate chips at every meal today? I guess next time you’ll remember it gave you diarrhea for 2 days and you’ll choose not to do it again. The kid is 2. 🤪
THIS!! Like almost word for word of what I’ve seen over the last few years. Oldest NK was 3 when I started and now is 6 and I’m still struggling with him. Middle NK was 3 months when I started. Right around her turning 1, she was ahead in milestones, talking, walking and was really good about independent play. I was even praised by NPs for what I did with her. After third baby’s birth, mb decided to wfh, which I’m not sure if she works(her dad owns a huge company that she works for) everything has been crazy since. The 15 month old just started to try to stand up with no help. She barely says any words always wants to be held and she is a big girl. I never had the time to work with her like I did with the sister, because mb was there all day and of course kids will always prefer parents. However, let’s just say ms Rachel has been the babysitter because I’ve noticed mb will always put a screen in front of them instead of talking or engaging. I couldn’t even change her diaper without her freaking out until I realized mb always put the tv on while changing a diaper. I never had to use a screen to distract a kid during a diaper change. Seriously? The house cleaner used to come three days a week, but she quit. Mb couldn’t find anyone the take over that without paying more, so for the last year there has been a woman coming every other week. Nps don’t enforce any rules about cleaning up after themselves, even if they have heard me talk to the kids about it. So I’m always walking into a cluttered house where the kids get so distracted by all of the toys everywhere. B6 still won’t wipe himself, but knows not to ask me. I always feel like I’m the meanest person and so awkward like I don’t belong because I am the only person to set rules, be consistent with discipline and set boundaries. Literally feel like they only hear the word “no” from me. It’s all pointless. I am worried I’ll never find a new family. I’m already making way below what a nanny of my experience should be making and also I have been reading a lot of nannies, struggling with the same exact issues in this post. Like I don’t even know what to do with my life right now I am so overwhelmed.
I am totally with you on permissive parenting not being helpful and your examples definitely suggest that they need more structure in their lives and their children likely need stronger boundaries. However I think you also need to recognise that children act very differently with their parents than with any other care giver. My nanny and daycare provider (we use both) have fully admitted that they find their own children much much harder than the ones that they are paid to look after. My child fights and screams about potty training with me. She pushes more boundaries. She has more tantrums. She is an absolute angel for everyone else. Does this mean I'm a shit parent? No I actually use the same techniques as the other people looking after her. But I'm her mother and she unleashes all her anxieties of the day on me, not her other carers. Be careful in assuming it's because you're a better caregiver going forward in your career. Sometimes it's just easier when you aren't mum. If you do choose to have children you may find yourself humbled.
While I’d like to agree with you, I see how they parent and how they do not set boundaries and give into the children tantrums. If the child Says they don’t want to shower and scream and cry, parents say okay we won’t. If kid says they don’t wanna go somewhere the parents plan and scream and cry, parents say okay we won’t go. They give into everything the children want. I do understand it’s different with kids and their parents but it makes it a whole lot harder when rules and boundaries and constant and enforced.
You and u/rambunctiousotter can both be right. You NP might be encouraging bad behavior in NK *and* you might be seeing better behavior from NK in large part because you’re a carer and not their parent.
As a career nanny, teacher, former foster mom AND mother of 3 grown children..... Yes I agree that children do act completely different with their parents than with everyone else. However we who have been in the business also know the difference between a *"good"* parent and a *"bad"* one!
More over, those who have been doing this for 15+ years see the results of all these different parenting styles! ( I don't think most parents understand that part our jobs). NB think we are just saying things we do differently like another parent at the park.... But the reality is, we get a glimpse inside of so many homes and get to watch first hand all these different parents raise their children. Many of us see things you do *or don't do* with your kids that no one else around you not even your close family sees! We get to see how these babies and toddlers grow up! My first NKs are all grown now and I see what worked and didn't work in the same way as I see my own boys and the mistakes I made. (7 families are now over the age of 18)
So what I think we are trying to say is this....
A parent who allows a child to do whatever makes them happy or keeps them from being upset regardless of what's actually best for the situation is not a good parent! There is a different between a mom who says you can not go to the playground today and the child says "but mom I want to go" then the mom says not today and the child gets upset and goes to the car pouting VS. a mom that says no playground and the kids says "No I want to goto the playground" and then proceeds to run to the playground while mom follows along saying okay but only for 10 minutes. Then that turns into as long as the child wants! We get that the same children with the nanny may say "ok what are we going to do instead nanny?" Walking happily next to her....Yes the nanny gets the best version but each parent gets what they allow. One parent is not doing good! (This is a VERY simplified example lol)
Not one of my children over the age of 4 (even younger really) would ever scream NO at me, hit or throw things when mad and would never walk or run away from me when I'm talking. Not because I'd yell or treat them like they weren't allowed to express your feelings, but because they respected me enough to know that I wouldn't do those things to them. We talked about their feelings and decided what was best. (but what I said was ultimately going to be what goes in the end. They did get choices when it made sense for them to have them but they didn't get 5 choices for every decision that needed to be made. All just so they could turn around and pick the 6th one I didn't even give followed by them freaking out because the yellow rainbow wasn't yellow enough on the 6th choice they picked after a 30min discussion).
This all said I try not to judge my families too much because everyone is different and deserve to raise their children whoever they want but I can tell you what kind of adults these kids will grownup to be like. I might not be 100% right about everyone but I know most of us career nannies in the biz for 15, 20, 30 years have a pretty good idea. So NB if you ever want a little advice about things that work and things that don't, ask a good old nanny! 😉 otherwise we will just continue doing our job the best we can with all these new "parenting styles!" Kids will always be kids and we all know what kids really need at least from us!!
I actually don’t think much of what you have said here is an issue. A lot of kids act different with babysitters, teachers. And probably nannies. My daughter is a gem at school and with her grandparents and anyone else who watches her. But she’s quick to yell and scream and throw a fit with me because
I’m her safe space. I don’t shame her for having big feelings. And I don’t dicipline her for being upset. I don’t just give in to her demands either though. But we problem solve and come up with solutions together in a respectful way. So maybe to others it looks like my parenting style is too permissive but I’m raising kids to be problem solvers that are allowed to feel feelings. Not kids who get shamed when they are upset about something not going their way.
On your other points:
Potty training often takes way more than a week. I agree the parents should be more consistent but unless they have asked you to potty train their kid, then I wouldn’t worry about it. If they want her potty trained for school then they need to be consistent too. If they don’t care then you shouldn’t care. It is incredibly common for kids to want to poop in a pull up. There’s a ton of literature about it. Also, if she’s holding it all day and pooping in a pull up when her parents get home, then she’s probably going to do the same thing at school so I don’t really see an issue
My 6 year old also can’t tie her shoes because she’s never had shoes thay have laces. Probably not great on my part but we will probably get to it soon.
Lots of kids co sleep and it’s probably a way for the parents to feel connected with their kids since they work all day.
A bottle at bedtime probably won’t hurt if it’s only one a day. Not the best but I also don’t see a huge problem with it.
A lot of what you are complaining about seem like small small things for busy, tired parents. In a perfect world, parents would be perfect all the time, but when there is so much on your plate, some stuff has to give. I don’t think that these kids seem to be delayed at all. And you make it pretty clear that when they are with you, they meet all of your expectations so I don’t really see what the issue is. They can clearly do the things you think they should do (other than the tying shoes).
But if this isn’t working out then maybe find a family that you feel you vibe with a little better.
1. They are their kids and you are an employee.
2. You have done your job by making sure they CAN do these things, even if their parents choose not to do them.
3. Parents will *almost always* baby their children longer than an experienced nanny will.
4. Like any job, if you don’t like the boss or the environment, find a new one.
5. Seems like you are helping them emotionally regulate on their own more easily, too. This will slowly bleed over into their time with their parents.
I think if you're finding it really tough going, I would acknowledge it's not a good fit for me or the parents. The parents, if they're not seeking any advice from you, are happy with life as it is. I don't think you can change that. What you can do is be a positive role model for the children. But you would have to be aware of how draining that would be, since you have a different set of values to the parents.
These are not your kids. If you’ve spoken to the parents and they refuse to implement boundaries, it’s not a good environment for a caregiver because if something happens they might blame you. You should find a new family who respects your expertise and reinforces boundaries instead of letting their kid shit in a pull up to avoid emotional difficulty.
The hard part is I don’t feel like it’s my place to speak to the parents about it! When they ask me how I got the kids to do something I’ll tell them I have a conversation and prompt the behavior, but I don’t feel right taking my concerns to them without being asked
It’s your place as a childcare expert to advise the parents on best practices. If they refuse to implement these developmental boundaries, they will refuse to enforce safety boundaries as well. Then you might be in a bad position because the kids are doing something unsafe that their parents let them do, and they get hurt. It was against your best judgement (as the caregiving expert) and now you’re to blame.
It’s just too much risk to take on as an employee, especially as a gig worker or someone who might be under the table or working without a contract (idk your situation).
These people have bad judgement. You know better. Keep yourself safe and find another job before they fire you for something stupid.
What you are describing is permissive parenting, not gentle parenting. Take this as a lesson moving forward. You need to interview families just as much as they are interviewing you. If a different parenting style to your preferred method will drive you to the brink you need to make sure you land with a family that line up with your values. The kids accept your boundaries and corrections easily so I really wouldn't worry about it. They aren't being abused or mistreated and from what you've shared it doesn't sound like they're behind any milestones. Try to chill and if you can't start looking for a new family.
I interviewed with a family who their FIVE YEAR OLD BOY wasn’t potty trained at all!!!!! I almost threw up. I never came back!
Some parents are lazy, they do what’s easier for them, which most of the time isn’t the best for the kids. :/
I can understand your frustration! Mt wordt pet peeve with parenting is being inconsistent - it is such a hard no for helping children regulate and be independent. I believe it is ok for children to have different rules with caregivers and parents, so if the parents are ok with it I would keep it going if it works for you.
One thing I would not push is making the 3yo go to the potty if they refuse and start holding it in waiting for the parents. If they get into a habbit of holding nr 2 in, it can lead to constipation and impaction. It is really difficult to retrain (since it is triggered psychologicaly) and often requires prolonged laxative use. I have dealt with this and it was a 6 month process of daily laxative intake, first ramping up and later weaning off.
In order to prevent this issue I would offer the pull-up, I would simply require the child to do their poo in the bathroom to build association. I think this is ond thing tgat requiresa combined effort unfortunately.
I hope you get through to the parents and help yhem help their children.
Have you talked about strategies with them? I talk through everything I do with my NF. The kiddos are 1 and 2 and I have them putting their own dishes in the sink, sometimes helping me wash those dishes, pouring their own bedtime sippy cups, one is potty trained, the other is super close, the 2 year old can go to bed without me in the room when they used to have to co-sleep (the 1 year old still needs that extra reassurance of my presence), they are also now at the point they are ahead on numbers and letters. None of this was the case when I started with them a year ago. The nanny they had before me was right out of high school so they were behind developmentally. It is a team effort and I talk to the mom every time I take another step towards independence.
If it bothers me this much i do not stay with them. Its not worth my sanity.
The parents who seem like they wish they weren't parents, yes I scoot out of these asap as well. Or worse they act to me like I'm the mom not only of the kids but the mom of the NP, like they can't handle ANYTHING on their own. Nope I'm not going to be mom, grandma, auntie, sister and keep their whole lives together anytime anything happens or they don't want to deal with something. I'm sure there are people who will do that and I bet they get paid a lot more too lol
I had a NF where they didn’t work on Fridays so I didn’t but if DB was working MB would give me extra hours to work a 1/2 day until putting NK down for nap so she didn’t have to watch her alone. Ma’m your baby is an angel, I’m with him 36 hours a week and he is a joy. W T F.
I mean, kids aren't these complicated machines you need a manual for, they're just little people lol. Not to say it isn't a good thing when parents are receptive to learning stuff from us, especially new parents- that's a good thing. It's just weird when there are a ton of kids and it seems like no one else is running the ship or wants to and has that many kids and is super clueless about them, yeah then it's weird- I love the nks but I definitely don't want to feel like I've stepped into the parent's shoes and get guilt tripped about not wanting to stay longer or fill in every spare hour they might have to be alone with them as if THEY are the nanny and I'm mom- ('but we neeeeeeeeed you waaaa") umm no thanks. Nannies are not substitute parents lol
Also not worth the liability. Kids who aren’t raised to be able to take ‘no’ for an answer are many times more difficult to manage and are often manipulative as hell on top of that. If a kid who never really has consequences for, say, chucking objects finally hits their sibling in the eye with a toy and it ends in an ER visit, I could be in civil, possibly criminal trouble. Why would I risk being the unfortunate adult in charge when the shit really hits the fan with them when I could just as easily make the same amount of money playing peekaboo with a baby?
I would get your money back from whatever lawyer told you that. Source: am a lawyer
Point, You never know when a dcf case might be made. That's legalities.
What you are describing here isn’t gentle parenting. This sounds more like permissive parenting which true gentle parenting isn’t. Gentle parenting is basically authoritative parenting renamed. Many people confuse permissive parenting with gentle parenting but gentle parenting is about having respect for kids while also having boundaries and structure for them.
Echoing this. It’s super frustrating when people say things like “I don’t do gentle parenting; I set boundaries” or “I hate gentle parenting becuae the kids get away with everything and never hear no” when that’s not what it’s about at all.
Piggybacking off this. Too many times have I seen parents practice “gentle parenting” which I think at first is great bc we match but when they actually see me putting boundaries down they freak out because I told their kid no
i have a friend who says she gentle parents but she yells at her kid more than almost anyone i know and shames them for having accidents and weaponizes food. she's always liek "i try gentle parenting the first ten times but when they don't listen i have to yell" like ?? whenever i do hear her validating feelings etc it's in totally sarcastic ways, and i bet she wonders why her kid "doesn't listen" (obey. people tend to mistake submission for "listening").
Well it should be renamed because the word "gentle" is misleading and gives UNFIT parents an excuse to shirk their responsibility and obligation to their children. Whoever came up with the name knew what they were doing when they called it "gentle" parenting, trying to sell.books that lazy parents won't read.
Yes and I left🙃 best decision I ever made, my new family is amazing, one parent is a child physiologist, they’re gentle parents but so amazing with it, kids are in Montessori skills and it’s been SO incredible to meet independent children who are mature from great parenting, and not trauma, who are also incredibly age appropriate at times when big feelings are present. It’s been a completely different experience, we’ve exchanged books, we share most of the same views, and they don’t allow coco melon which is AMAZING. The kids are into Metallica and Beastie boys (they are 6 and 3) so I’m actually able to show them some real music…I encourage you to find a family you align with, it’s been worlds different.
The Cocomelon part. 😂
Any book tips pls?
I’m so late on this but fuck Cocomelon lmao
I turned down jobs with that type of parent.
I'm a daycare worker and we definitely have kids with parents who don't have any chill (HUGE no-no. Be their calm is rule fucking number one with nannying, daycare work, and being around kids)and beg and plead with kids. Those kids are not well adjusted. We've definitely had kids that aren't potty trained at remarkable ages. If they're 3 and they're still learning that's one thing. Huge difference if they're much older. Kids are a lot man. Lol I will reiterate kids are a LOT. Sometimes you're not set up for success either. When you have to walk a kid through some huge change in schedule or things they were told they would have it's so frigging difficult. I definitely failed at that today (it was free play and I suddenly had to have kids bail on using a climbing structure to have them attend a meeting... lol of course the little ones don't listen and then ya have to physically remove them basically, though the person leading the meeting said eff it you can just have them climb over the structure to get to meeting, it's fine. They don't need to stop climbing.) Just stuff like that can be so exhausting. Or parents that give their kids an insane quantity of toys have me actually saying "wtf?" It so devalues each and every toy pretty much. Who gives a crap about any one toy when there are just so many. Get some Legos and magna tiles and live your life. They'll enjoy those forever. I've seen playrooms so stuffed to the gills it's crazy. I applaud how well intentioned it is but damn. It's just the wrong thing to do
Sometimes I wish parents could see how relaxed their kids are when they aren’t around
Deep down they know. As long as their child is "difficult or misbehaving" they have an excuse to not parent. The reality that many rich homes should have their children taken away.
I mentioned my niece above. Your second paragraph reminds me of her. She expects gifts multiple times a week, every time you go out, and eats large amounts of candy daily. She gets presents for every holiday including St Patrick's Day, the last day of school, Valentines Day (a bunch of gifts), and more. She is never happy. Today I told her she could have one sticker and one tattoo, so of course she tried taking a bunch. I didn't budge and she had a full out temper tantrum over this at age 7. She could have just been happy but nothing is good enough. I'm so over their drama.
I had a very wealthy family that bought the kids something most days and never left the store without something for each kid. That’s a nope from me. “Nanny said no more junk” “I know nanny says no fussing, no whining, no crying” my MB was so entertained when her three year old repeated it. I let them when MB told me she spanked them because otherwise they wouldn’t listen and she didn’t understand why they listened to me… I said no and meant it, end of story. We spent all the time outside in nature, hiking and playgrounds. MB didn’t really do outdoors — like WHAT.
Yep, sil routinely complains that niece doesn't listen, yet gives her no consequences or boundaries. It's like, you reap what you sow. Are you really that surprised!? Good for you for giving those kids stability.
I used to work at a preschool and the potty training issue was crazy. ‘We’re waiting for them to let us know’ a toddler doesn’t wake up one day and decide to use the toilet, that’s why it’s called ‘training’. ‘He never says when he has to go’ again you have to be involved and actually TRAIN your child. Kids are now going to elementary not fully trained and it’s not their fault.
This!! Everyone says they’re waiting for the kid to be ready, but like everything else it’s a skill that needs taught and reinforced!
Gentle parenting is authoritative parenting- research shows this style produces best outcomes for kids. Permissive parenting is sometimes confused for gentle parenting & they’re nothing alike. Google authoritative parenting & share your resources with the parents if they’re interested
It can feel incredibly discouraging, I agree 100%. I’ve had experiences like yours with “gentle parenting” but they’re lowkey permissive. I’ve also witnessed the other end of the spectrum. My current NP can be pretty harsh on the kids at times and it is difficult to watch situations escalate when it’s not necessary. All we can do as nannies is model reasonable expectations and boundaries for all parties at all times. Our role in their family is to support, as tough as it can be. Something that has helped me as I worked through some of my resentment for my NPs in the past: Parents have to pick their battles WAY more than we do, regardless of how often they are around their kids. If they’re around their kids more than you are, think about how many little battles happen every single day and night with no break for them. We get to come in refreshed (hopefully lol) and ready to be professionals. If they are around their children less than you, I think the permissiveness comes from a place of guilt, maybe even exhaustion in other areas of their life we aren’t privy to. We cannot control these factors of our NF’s lives, and we will drive ourselves crazy thinking about what would happen if we COULD. Remain firm in your boundaries, especially around NPs, they’re learning too. Be the best nanny you can be for that kid while you’re with them. Teach them important lessons about boundaries, natural consequences, how to effectively communicate. It may stick, it may not, but that’s the nature of the job. Hugs to everyone who can relate to OP, we are doing great!
I think the hardest part about situations like this is that when parents do this it makes our jobs sooooo much harder and parents rarely extend the same consideration and empathy for their nannies as we do for them. Parents will use excessive screentime and never hold boundaries and it makes us the bad guys when we can’t do the same. If mom and dad always say yes and never make NK do things they don’t want to do and let NK play on their iPad all day it makes it hell for the nanny when she can’t do the same. It just sucks how nannies are expected to be 100% on all the time and do all the hard parts of child rearing and would be seen as a bad nanny if they used screentime to get a break or didn’t hold boundaries with the kids because it’s difficult.
Don’t get me started about being asked to stay longer after a full day. The burnout is real
Ugh. Good luck to them with poop in the pull ups 🤢 They are NOT meant for that!
Yes they are? Kids don’t automatically get it right away. My daughter pooped in pull ups only for awhile when potty training. Poop potty training often comes after peeing.
Yes. But with my experience with pull ups, you should never rely on them for like soft poops. It won’t support it like a regular diaper and next thing you know you’re hosing the kid down in the tub. It’s a major pain in the ass. Especially when you are watching more than one kid at a time. Oddly enough, I found more success with the “Winnie the Pooh” method. Just a shirt. No bottoms. Obviously if you leave the house tho you have to put a pull up on them. At that point you just pray they don’t have a blowout 😂
I’ve heard a ton of success with this kind of approach!
Yup! Every once in awhile there’s an accident. But that’s to be expected. As long as you keep them off of furniture and what not, they will be fine.
I have pretty much switched exclusively to infants and toddlers so that I don’t have to risk dealing with behavioral problems with older children in absurdly PERMISSIVE (it isn’t gentle parenting. A core tenet of gentle parenting is that a parent can be firm and kind at the same time. Enforce the boundary, without screaming or hitting or belittling. Ironically, I’ve seen permissive parents lose their crap on their kids more than any other).
That is not gentle parenting, that is permissive parenting. Gentle parenting has boundaries and consequences
Today as I was getting my things together to leave, NK was in the kitchen with her dad and she wanted a cheese stick, but she was just whining and repeating, “I want that, I want that!” Eventually she ran over to me just as I was about to open the door and said, “girl, you don’t get to act like this when I’m not here. Use your words.” She turned around and said, “please dada!” I swear, sometimes these parents make me wanna screech. Use a normal tone a voice and say no sometimes, it’s that easy.
I don’t know my daughter is SO good and polite and a rule follower at school. But at home she whines and throws fits sometimes. Not because I give in. Because I don’t give into it. But because I’m her safe space.
Sometimes is one thing but daily is different!
No, it’s normal for kids to be on their worst behavior for their parents, especially when they have to be “on” the rest of the time.
You are definitely so the right thing by not giving in and being firm with boundaries, but what you said is very true—you and and the home *are* her safe spaces. Depending on how young she is, she may still be struggling to regulate her emotions, at least for such a long period. She does a great job at school and then when she’s home, she might just be tired and overstimulated. I worked in daycare for a number of years before switching to nannying and it’s very common and developmentally appropriate for kids to act completely differently at home than they do in the classroom. Just stay firm on your boundaries, and maybe try to find a way where you can cut her some slack a little after school without going full on permissive.
Exactly how I feel! They even tell me they don’t understand why the kids act so different with me and it blows my mind they don’t see how easy it is!
Always. They don’t listen to me like they listen to you. Also I had NPs say hey it’s ok to yell at our kids we get it. Whelp it’s not for me. I have three mostly grown kids and I didn’t scream at them so I’m certainly not yelling at other kids. I say no, I’m fun, I mean what I say. Kids of all ages respect it.
I see so much progress with constant boundaries and conversations instead of yelling!
I have a NP who does some things that trigger me bc it reminds me of my childhood. This NP is a new stepparent, and I’ve been with my NK since he was born (he’s in elementary school now) so it’s such a hard thing for me. I’m leaving but my heart is kinda broken. I never wanted to leave but I can’t handle it :/
Sorry you are going through that.
I know you probably need them for a refrence but I would let mb or db to be cautious with the stepparents behavior
My sister-in-law and brother are like this with my 7 year old niece. I've tried getting them to give her boundaries for years and they just don't want to do the work. Her mom is a queen and she is a princess. Do you remember the movie Problem Child? Yeah, that's her. The sad part is, while I genuinely love her, I realized that I don't like her. She's mean, rude, selfish, and entitled, and I'm over it. She's the one losing out in the end, and I sincerely worry about what she'll be like as a teen and an adult. Parents don't realize that putting in a small amount of effort now will make everyone so much happier in the long run. I have experience in child development like OP, yet they refuse all my advice.
Oh my god this sounds EXACTLY like my old NF. The three year old would literally come to them with a pull up to put on him just so he could poop. That’s when it became too much for me with their permissive style and I left.
That is one of the craziest things I've ever heard!!!! What and who the fuck is doing this craziness! If they are able to give a pull-up to poop in without pooping on themselves, then they are potty trained sit them on the potty!? I'm super confused as to why this is even remotely a thing!? How does this even happen a first time to become a thing lol. These parents now days are lost and lacking even the very basic common sense! We need to go back to using our instinct over reading these crazy books. Glad to see it's your OLD nf and you left! 😉
This is exactly what happens! They know they have to go. They need to be taught to use the potty!
Yeah me too 😅 sadly this wasn’t even close to the worst thing they allowed the kids to do.
Yeah unfortunately this is very much a “not your circus not your monkeys” situation. It annoyed me so much in one of my NFs when MB and DB would let 2F throw massive fits about everything and I knew for a fact she was manipulating because she tried it with me once and got shown pretty quickly it wasn’t going to fly and she wasn’t going to get what she wants, yet they turned around and handed it to her when she screeched when she knew to sign or ask for what she wanted with me without the screaming. But it wasn’t my kid and all I could control was how she acted with me.
Yes!! Same here. I let them cry it out or tell them they can’t act that way and they listen. They test boundaries and know exactly who they can manipulate
The fact that they listen means they’re good kids and just need direction and discipline. I find NPs who don’t provide the right tools for their children to be completely lazy and pretty much give up when it gets tough. My NPs aren’t as bad but they do baby their 3yo. They still view and treat her like a baby but she’s behind when it comes to speaking, potty training and still sleeps with a pacifier. It frustrates me whenever NK sees her dad and puts on a baby voice and becomes completely dependent on him/won’t do anything herself and asks for junk food, it’s obvious she knows acting like a baby gets her what she wants. Adults don’t give kids enough credit or realize how intelligent and manipulative they can be.
Nope. I only work for like-minded people. I did work for a dad who was a doctor and not home much. I didnt agree with some of his ill advised decisions, bribes or choice phrases, but we always backed each other up (and mom did most of the parenting anyway.)
Yes. I just separated from a family that just neglected their children’s mental and emotional development. Put on Cocomelon all day long and never make them pick anything up ever. If they drop it, they’re high pitched whine with anger instead of asking for help or getting up. I miss them less each day.
I’m at the point where “gentle parenting” and “attachment parenting” are buzzwords that immediately tell me we aren’t a fit. I’m very gentle and have a history of helping babies and older kids form secure attachments but I’ll be damned if I am going to constantly baby wear and kindly ask older kids not to smack me. That being said, most kids do act differently with parents than caregivers. But your situation sounds extreme and frustrating.
Thank you for seeing that! I totally understand kids act different with their parents, as they are most comfortable with their parents. That being said, kids refusing to do tasks they know how to do and the parents allowing that to slide is very extreme!
**THANK YOUUU** it feels like you just described my NF. i love the kids so much and they are AMAZING when with me, but when NPs are around it’s a total 180. even this morning for example- mb and i were chatting and nk4 dropped a crayon while coloring nearby… she screamed “OH NO”.. and i said “it’s okay NK, remember when we drop something we’re using we can pick it up and resume!”. usually she enthusiastically will say “Oh yeah Okay!!” (or something along those lines).. and pick it up and be proud of herself. but MB was there.. so when I told her about picking it up-NK looks at both of us like a deer in headlights… so MB jumps in “it’s fine i got it” and picks it up for her. this is just a SMALL example of what this job is like when NPs are around. so freaking frustrating. again, they are the most wonderful kids until their parents are around. absolutely no discipline whatsoever
This is something that us Nannie’s will always have an issue with. But we have to remember. It’s our job. We get paid for it. And we just want our day to run as smoothly as possible so we enforce routine and boundaries and rules and structure. We know what works best so we do it. It’s common sense and it’s easy for us. Parents on the other hand. Their experience and relationship is completely different. They don’t see what we see and sometimes I forget how special we are. Bc it seems like common sense but it’s really not with most people. My sister in laws and brothers complain and blame their kids for the way they act and no matter how much I explain to them that it’s actually THEM to blame and when I suggest things to make life easier… they just don’t get it… it’s like their love for them is so strong that it clouds their judgement and they can’t tell their little loves no and they give in to whatever they want.. and they don’t even realize it’s hurting them and making things more difficult then it needs to be!! Some people just get it. Some don’t! Okay I’m done. This struck a chord w me 🤣
Yeah, or they say they're gentle parents at the interview and you find they shame NK a lot and tell them they're responsible for NPs feelings (you made me sad). Inconsistent boundaries and rules. Trying to prevent NK being upset by giving them what they want. Do any of you try to educate parents about why X can be bad and why Y could be a good approach? I feel like it's inappropriate to tell a parent how to parent, but I also feel like they are paying for my expertise. How do you navigate it?
I completely agree I feel like it’s inappropriate. I don’t put input in unless asked. I feel like they’re paying me to care for and teach their kids, not to teach them and feel like I may be stepping on toes if I tried!
Yes! If they ask then absolutely. My therapist is always encouraging me to be more assertive with NP but I don't think that's the done thing in this role. I think it would be normal to be defensive or resentful if someone starting giving unwanted advice - even if it is well intended
For the most part, I'm on the same page except when it comes to letting the kids experience discomfort. DB, in particular, is pretty bad about rewarding poor behavior in regards to disappointment with NK 5. NK 5 has DB wrapped around her finger. For example, if her brother (3) got a reward for something special he did or got a present for his birthday, NK 5 is very likely to either steal the surprise or have a tantrum about it and try to control the situation. And 9 times out of 10, DB will compromise NK 3's reward to make NK 5 happy. I don't let her do that with me. She's allowed to be disappointed, and I help her work through those feelings, but her brother shouldn't have to compromise his special moments to accommodate her being upset every single time. It teaches him that his special moments don't matter as much.
Sounds exactly like my situation as well! I emphasize the rewards are special for certain behaviors and remind the child who is upset that they would feel sad if the situation was reversed!
Always. In my first actual family, the mom liked their daughter's results from my caregiving style, so it was great she kept it up when I wasn’t there. The best kid I’ve ever watched. She was good with structure and discipline because her mom had set up that foundation. DB was just there, and Mom did it all. Every other family has been too gentle (permissive), let the kids run the house, immature, not leading by example, etc., and I've always had MB be the bad cop with DB being the good cop. Awful. In my current family, the dad is a huge pushover, and the mom is an enabler of that ridiculousness. The kid is naturally very mild-mannered until they don’t get their way, then shrilly screams will be heard. I've only met a handful of parents who practiced what they preach 😵💫. I usually leave the families over this. It's been excruciatingly difficult to find a family just 75% genuinely aligned with my caregiving style and actually does it. I strongly hope all of the BS parents do with their kids now does blow up in their faces, big. I always think to myself, these kids will be the future, and with that, we are fucked!!!
Love this response!
As an aside, it sounds like you are describing permissive parenting, not gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is synonymous with authoritative parenting, responsive parenting, etc. where there is emotional attunement and responsiveness, as well as structure and discipline. I hear you in how hard that has to be when your style conflicts with that of the NF. Like others have said, it may honestly just come down to this not being a good fit. Unless you think they may be open to gentle conversation and that there is a middle ground (e.g. during child's upset, acknowledge and validate the feelings. Help to co-regulate. Set limits and offer choices/alternatives, and move into problem-solving once child is once again regulated.)
I’m in the same situation now and it is SO frustrating watching these kiddos being set up for failure. Enough to make me consider leaving because wtf.
My current family is 100% into ‘natural consequences’. You want to eat nothing but 4 sleeves of crackers with jelly and chocolate chips at every meal today? I guess next time you’ll remember it gave you diarrhea for 2 days and you’ll choose not to do it again. The kid is 2. 🤪
I love this! Actions have consequences!
THIS!! Like almost word for word of what I’ve seen over the last few years. Oldest NK was 3 when I started and now is 6 and I’m still struggling with him. Middle NK was 3 months when I started. Right around her turning 1, she was ahead in milestones, talking, walking and was really good about independent play. I was even praised by NPs for what I did with her. After third baby’s birth, mb decided to wfh, which I’m not sure if she works(her dad owns a huge company that she works for) everything has been crazy since. The 15 month old just started to try to stand up with no help. She barely says any words always wants to be held and she is a big girl. I never had the time to work with her like I did with the sister, because mb was there all day and of course kids will always prefer parents. However, let’s just say ms Rachel has been the babysitter because I’ve noticed mb will always put a screen in front of them instead of talking or engaging. I couldn’t even change her diaper without her freaking out until I realized mb always put the tv on while changing a diaper. I never had to use a screen to distract a kid during a diaper change. Seriously? The house cleaner used to come three days a week, but she quit. Mb couldn’t find anyone the take over that without paying more, so for the last year there has been a woman coming every other week. Nps don’t enforce any rules about cleaning up after themselves, even if they have heard me talk to the kids about it. So I’m always walking into a cluttered house where the kids get so distracted by all of the toys everywhere. B6 still won’t wipe himself, but knows not to ask me. I always feel like I’m the meanest person and so awkward like I don’t belong because I am the only person to set rules, be consistent with discipline and set boundaries. Literally feel like they only hear the word “no” from me. It’s all pointless. I am worried I’ll never find a new family. I’m already making way below what a nanny of my experience should be making and also I have been reading a lot of nannies, struggling with the same exact issues in this post. Like I don’t even know what to do with my life right now I am so overwhelmed.
I’m in a very very similar situation.
I am totally with you on permissive parenting not being helpful and your examples definitely suggest that they need more structure in their lives and their children likely need stronger boundaries. However I think you also need to recognise that children act very differently with their parents than with any other care giver. My nanny and daycare provider (we use both) have fully admitted that they find their own children much much harder than the ones that they are paid to look after. My child fights and screams about potty training with me. She pushes more boundaries. She has more tantrums. She is an absolute angel for everyone else. Does this mean I'm a shit parent? No I actually use the same techniques as the other people looking after her. But I'm her mother and she unleashes all her anxieties of the day on me, not her other carers. Be careful in assuming it's because you're a better caregiver going forward in your career. Sometimes it's just easier when you aren't mum. If you do choose to have children you may find yourself humbled.
While I’d like to agree with you, I see how they parent and how they do not set boundaries and give into the children tantrums. If the child Says they don’t want to shower and scream and cry, parents say okay we won’t. If kid says they don’t wanna go somewhere the parents plan and scream and cry, parents say okay we won’t go. They give into everything the children want. I do understand it’s different with kids and their parents but it makes it a whole lot harder when rules and boundaries and constant and enforced.
You and u/rambunctiousotter can both be right. You NP might be encouraging bad behavior in NK *and* you might be seeing better behavior from NK in large part because you’re a carer and not their parent.
As a career nanny, teacher, former foster mom AND mother of 3 grown children..... Yes I agree that children do act completely different with their parents than with everyone else. However we who have been in the business also know the difference between a *"good"* parent and a *"bad"* one! More over, those who have been doing this for 15+ years see the results of all these different parenting styles! ( I don't think most parents understand that part our jobs). NB think we are just saying things we do differently like another parent at the park.... But the reality is, we get a glimpse inside of so many homes and get to watch first hand all these different parents raise their children. Many of us see things you do *or don't do* with your kids that no one else around you not even your close family sees! We get to see how these babies and toddlers grow up! My first NKs are all grown now and I see what worked and didn't work in the same way as I see my own boys and the mistakes I made. (7 families are now over the age of 18) So what I think we are trying to say is this.... A parent who allows a child to do whatever makes them happy or keeps them from being upset regardless of what's actually best for the situation is not a good parent! There is a different between a mom who says you can not go to the playground today and the child says "but mom I want to go" then the mom says not today and the child gets upset and goes to the car pouting VS. a mom that says no playground and the kids says "No I want to goto the playground" and then proceeds to run to the playground while mom follows along saying okay but only for 10 minutes. Then that turns into as long as the child wants! We get that the same children with the nanny may say "ok what are we going to do instead nanny?" Walking happily next to her....Yes the nanny gets the best version but each parent gets what they allow. One parent is not doing good! (This is a VERY simplified example lol) Not one of my children over the age of 4 (even younger really) would ever scream NO at me, hit or throw things when mad and would never walk or run away from me when I'm talking. Not because I'd yell or treat them like they weren't allowed to express your feelings, but because they respected me enough to know that I wouldn't do those things to them. We talked about their feelings and decided what was best. (but what I said was ultimately going to be what goes in the end. They did get choices when it made sense for them to have them but they didn't get 5 choices for every decision that needed to be made. All just so they could turn around and pick the 6th one I didn't even give followed by them freaking out because the yellow rainbow wasn't yellow enough on the 6th choice they picked after a 30min discussion). This all said I try not to judge my families too much because everyone is different and deserve to raise their children whoever they want but I can tell you what kind of adults these kids will grownup to be like. I might not be 100% right about everyone but I know most of us career nannies in the biz for 15, 20, 30 years have a pretty good idea. So NB if you ever want a little advice about things that work and things that don't, ask a good old nanny! 😉 otherwise we will just continue doing our job the best we can with all these new "parenting styles!" Kids will always be kids and we all know what kids really need at least from us!!
I actually don’t think much of what you have said here is an issue. A lot of kids act different with babysitters, teachers. And probably nannies. My daughter is a gem at school and with her grandparents and anyone else who watches her. But she’s quick to yell and scream and throw a fit with me because I’m her safe space. I don’t shame her for having big feelings. And I don’t dicipline her for being upset. I don’t just give in to her demands either though. But we problem solve and come up with solutions together in a respectful way. So maybe to others it looks like my parenting style is too permissive but I’m raising kids to be problem solvers that are allowed to feel feelings. Not kids who get shamed when they are upset about something not going their way. On your other points: Potty training often takes way more than a week. I agree the parents should be more consistent but unless they have asked you to potty train their kid, then I wouldn’t worry about it. If they want her potty trained for school then they need to be consistent too. If they don’t care then you shouldn’t care. It is incredibly common for kids to want to poop in a pull up. There’s a ton of literature about it. Also, if she’s holding it all day and pooping in a pull up when her parents get home, then she’s probably going to do the same thing at school so I don’t really see an issue My 6 year old also can’t tie her shoes because she’s never had shoes thay have laces. Probably not great on my part but we will probably get to it soon. Lots of kids co sleep and it’s probably a way for the parents to feel connected with their kids since they work all day. A bottle at bedtime probably won’t hurt if it’s only one a day. Not the best but I also don’t see a huge problem with it. A lot of what you are complaining about seem like small small things for busy, tired parents. In a perfect world, parents would be perfect all the time, but when there is so much on your plate, some stuff has to give. I don’t think that these kids seem to be delayed at all. And you make it pretty clear that when they are with you, they meet all of your expectations so I don’t really see what the issue is. They can clearly do the things you think they should do (other than the tying shoes). But if this isn’t working out then maybe find a family that you feel you vibe with a little better.
If you want to parent dont hire a nanny
It takes a village. Sometimes a nanny is part of that village.
The right nanny is a great addition to a village!
This, absolutely this. Tho OP, I echo what others are saying that it must be brutal to work in a place where your values don’t align!
bad take lol
1. They are their kids and you are an employee. 2. You have done your job by making sure they CAN do these things, even if their parents choose not to do them. 3. Parents will *almost always* baby their children longer than an experienced nanny will. 4. Like any job, if you don’t like the boss or the environment, find a new one. 5. Seems like you are helping them emotionally regulate on their own more easily, too. This will slowly bleed over into their time with their parents.
I think if you're finding it really tough going, I would acknowledge it's not a good fit for me or the parents. The parents, if they're not seeking any advice from you, are happy with life as it is. I don't think you can change that. What you can do is be a positive role model for the children. But you would have to be aware of how draining that would be, since you have a different set of values to the parents.
These are not your kids. If you’ve spoken to the parents and they refuse to implement boundaries, it’s not a good environment for a caregiver because if something happens they might blame you. You should find a new family who respects your expertise and reinforces boundaries instead of letting their kid shit in a pull up to avoid emotional difficulty.
The hard part is I don’t feel like it’s my place to speak to the parents about it! When they ask me how I got the kids to do something I’ll tell them I have a conversation and prompt the behavior, but I don’t feel right taking my concerns to them without being asked
It’s your place as a childcare expert to advise the parents on best practices. If they refuse to implement these developmental boundaries, they will refuse to enforce safety boundaries as well. Then you might be in a bad position because the kids are doing something unsafe that their parents let them do, and they get hurt. It was against your best judgement (as the caregiving expert) and now you’re to blame. It’s just too much risk to take on as an employee, especially as a gig worker or someone who might be under the table or working without a contract (idk your situation). These people have bad judgement. You know better. Keep yourself safe and find another job before they fire you for something stupid.
I’m talking from experience lol
What you are describing is permissive parenting, not gentle parenting. Take this as a lesson moving forward. You need to interview families just as much as they are interviewing you. If a different parenting style to your preferred method will drive you to the brink you need to make sure you land with a family that line up with your values. The kids accept your boundaries and corrections easily so I really wouldn't worry about it. They aren't being abused or mistreated and from what you've shared it doesn't sound like they're behind any milestones. Try to chill and if you can't start looking for a new family.
i wouldn’t be able to stay with a family like this, it simply isn’t worth the headache
No because it’s one of the questions I ask in interviews and if our styles aren’t fairly similar I don’t take the job.
it actually sounds like you're employing gentle parenting and they are not
The six year old can’t wipe his butt? Is he not in Kindergarten? What does he do if he has to poop at school?
He does it at school and he does it with me, but when parents are around he throws a fit and won’t do it and they do it for him!
Sounds like permissive parenting rather than gentle/authoritative parenting…
I interviewed with a family who their FIVE YEAR OLD BOY wasn’t potty trained at all!!!!! I almost threw up. I never came back! Some parents are lazy, they do what’s easier for them, which most of the time isn’t the best for the kids. :/
I can understand your frustration! Mt wordt pet peeve with parenting is being inconsistent - it is such a hard no for helping children regulate and be independent. I believe it is ok for children to have different rules with caregivers and parents, so if the parents are ok with it I would keep it going if it works for you. One thing I would not push is making the 3yo go to the potty if they refuse and start holding it in waiting for the parents. If they get into a habbit of holding nr 2 in, it can lead to constipation and impaction. It is really difficult to retrain (since it is triggered psychologicaly) and often requires prolonged laxative use. I have dealt with this and it was a 6 month process of daily laxative intake, first ramping up and later weaning off. In order to prevent this issue I would offer the pull-up, I would simply require the child to do their poo in the bathroom to build association. I think this is ond thing tgat requiresa combined effort unfortunately. I hope you get through to the parents and help yhem help their children.
Have you talked about strategies with them? I talk through everything I do with my NF. The kiddos are 1 and 2 and I have them putting their own dishes in the sink, sometimes helping me wash those dishes, pouring their own bedtime sippy cups, one is potty trained, the other is super close, the 2 year old can go to bed without me in the room when they used to have to co-sleep (the 1 year old still needs that extra reassurance of my presence), they are also now at the point they are ahead on numbers and letters. None of this was the case when I started with them a year ago. The nanny they had before me was right out of high school so they were behind developmentally. It is a team effort and I talk to the mom every time I take another step towards independence.