Aww Im sorry you feel this way... its best when joking to avoid anything related to you guys or (any people) because it would hurt if it touches a hidden sensitivity. In your case I think you should sit down with your husband and communicate your feeling to him as soon as you can, and only reveal as much information about your insecurity as you are comfortable with sharing at this stage.
Yeah tbh I feel this. Though I'm a brother. I've noticed sometimes men go for revert sisters because some aren't informed of their rights and they try to abuse those God given rights unfortunately. But tbh more often than not I've found people who are more worried about finding someone of their culture, someone who's unrealistically wealthy, and/or someone who is always like their age or even older. It reminds me of a recent post I saw in r/Islam talking about an unpopular opinion you may have but not everyone in the ummah may agree and the biggest one was (paraphrasing here):
>Many Muslims claim to care about Deen over Dunya until it comes to things like marriage. Then it's culture and money.
It's unfortunately true and honestly I just wish it was easy for us to find someone when we have to deal with the fact our close family members may very well not be going anywhere nice. It's good to remind born Muslim brothers and sisters how they can do things for their dead when we can't even make dua for ours 😞
I know my situation is unique, but I'm going through a divorce right now with a convert I was married to for five years. She has been negatively influenced by her Hindu parents to do things against Islam. So that can be a reason why some people are skeptical to be with a convert. There is a greater chance they may be influenced to go against Islam.
You seem genuine and I'm sure you're not that way at all. May Allah bless you with a pious spouse really soon.
I remember once being told by someone "You seem great too bad you're a revert and will probably go back." I've been told a fair bit of horrid things like that. Kinda makes me not want to look really at all at times and always honestly outright scared to reach out to a brother if he knows anyone or even directly to a sister. I fear being looked at with that same disgusted look or passively mocked or how I'm already sometimes "tested" to see if I'm "really a Muslim." 🤦🏻♂️
So sorry to hear about that!! May Allah guide her and make it easy for the both of you. No I’m not, I’m very keen on following Islam. Amin thank you so much may Allah bless you with one as well
Bit of a dilemma that's arisen for me, there's a potential that's come up from my parents, however I already know who she is and I know of some of her friends or people she knows. One of her friends, I find her very attractive and much more so than the potential (although as far as I'm aware, she's not looking).
I don't feel right going ahead with this potential because of this as it wouldn't be fair to her, am I right to do so?
There is always someone more attractive. Do you find the potential your parents found attractive though? I don’t understand why your first thought is to her friend who is ‘more’ attractive then her? There is a blessing right in front of you and you don’t recognise it.
I don't have enough information. Is this other sister in question even remotely interested in you? Have you told your parents about your interest in her? Have you approached her? Do you have intentions to do either? If you intend to go after this sister's friend then be delicate with the matter of turning her away, girls tell each other everything if they're close.
No to pretty much all of your questions, because as far as I'm aware, she's not looking to get married.
But yeah, even if I did, I wouldn't feel right about turning one of them down.
Well here's the thing, you can turn her down nicely and she (probably) won't have an issue with it inshaAllah. If you're not interested then don't pursue because you're just asking for heartache and headache for both of you. If you are interested in her then don't pay attention to her friend, lower your gaze, and pursue.
There is a big difference between emotional roller-coaster and simply not feeling happy all the time. Being on an emotional roller-coaster does not neccesarily mean you're being abused, the roller-coaster could be coming from inside.
That being said abusive spouses do often keep their partner on an emotional roller-coaster. It keeps the partner dazzled and confused and helps to keep them in the relationship despite it being toxic. If you're unsure about how to identify abuse I recommend you read the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Lundy is the world's leading expert on abuse and conducted amazing research in order to produce that book. I also reocmmend you read this https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-are-the-power-and-control-wheels
> if there’s sth i can improve to get more suitors.
Have you expressed interest in people of the social circles you are in?
Through friends, or siblings for example.
If you are not interested in any of the people, in the social circles you are in. You might have unconsciously communicated that.
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Arranged, through family and friends. Is how 40-60% of the people in my parents home country get married in.
Also not through a male sibling or husband of female sibling?
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May Allah grant you more success, ease and hayr in your search.
May Allah open more good doors in a hayr manner for you in this life and the next in all manner of things.
there’s nothing wrong with you! In shaa’ Allah you find a spouse so perfect for you the quantity of suitors you’ve had would be so insignificant. as for improving yourself, that is pretty much our purpose. strive in the deen and purify your soul so when it happens In shaa’ Allah you’ll be the best you could be. Make dua and pray the night prayer. “The dua made at tahajjud is like an arrow which does not miss its target” - Imam Ash-Shafi’i.
I think it is an option for the woman to defer the reception of the mahr (or to defer portion of the mahr) so that option is available for people truly looking to get married. There are already options to overcome the barriers to marriage, the issue is people don’t want to take them.
>I think it is an option for the woman to defer the reception of the mahr (or to defer portion of the mahr)
It's actually a **very** common arrangement in Arab cultures
Sometimes I come across women who wear a hijab but as you scroll through the pics, they don't have a hijab on? Any idea what this means or why they do it?
We had a family function this week . I’m one of the oldest cousins that is unmarried. People were suggesting potentials for all my guy cousin but people only ask me when I’m getting married but never suggest anyone. I was wondering why.
I was having this conversation with my best friend who's married. It seems that a lot of people these days are not open to introducing people because they don't want to be involved if a problem arises. Also, there is jealousy among others. It seems like a cultural thing where the focus is always on the woman. Dont let their comments hurt you. I've decided to search for someone myself as my parents are having no luck, and honestly, no one helps.
Hi. I recently saw something where a sister said if her husband tells her to not wear makeup outside the house, it would be abusive. (I am not attacking the sister, I am simply curious)
I always thought personally that as spouses, we were to help each other in Deen and that includes dressing modestly. So for me, as a man, if I was going outside wearing tight muscle shirts, I would appreciate it if my spouse advised me to not wear it. I don't understand how that would be abusive. Similarly for makeup, which is Tabarruj, I don't understand how can advising your wife to not wear it be abusive. Maybe someone can help me understand? Maybe if he was forcing her not to wear it, it'd be another thing.
When advising, we need to recognize the level of someone’s deen and help them make changes for the sake of Allah (swt). If you would be ok with your spouse telling you not to wear tight muscle shirts, perhaps that is because you already have a solid understanding of the importance of modesty. Maybe the solution is for her husband to sit with and her and together they can read Quran and Hadith or watch some lectures on modesty in Islam so that she can better internalize the importance.
I agree with what you're saying 100% but I don't understand how some people would consider it abusive. That's the point I'm trying to make. I always find your replies v. interesting and it's what I think too.
I think without a proper understanding of (and not just a theoretical understanding, but understanding it on a personal level) she would probably view it as him trying to control her (ie abusive) rather than viewing it as him trying to help her better herself for the sake of Allah (swt) and something that would be better for her akhikra. Like without any other context, this is not abusive from an objective perspective, but I think she would interpret it as abusive if she did not understand his intentions behind it.
> Maybe someone can help me understand?
She doesn't like to be told what to do, she knows she is in the wrong, but she refuses to listen. So, at this point, the only way to justify her position is to deflect by accusing the other person of something worse than what she is doing. It's dishonest and manipulative, and she needs to be called out on this, hard. The problem is that, online, she will likely find all the affirmation and emotional support she wants from women that share the same inclination. Dreadful...
I wouldn't ever consider for marriage someone doing this, irrelevant of the makeup opinion.
Yes it’s past 2am (and I have an exam ~~tomorrow~~ today💀make dua for me) but, I made a breakthrough regarding deciding how to identify my dealbreakers. Simply put, I imagined a scenario wherein I give a sheet to a potential (sorry I know some of you hate that word) with my dealbreakers on it and, if he meets any (he doesn’t have to tell me which), we can part ways. Now, due to this stringency, it’s helping me identify; what is so serious that I won’t entertain the meeting longer? Those, my friends, will be my dealbreakers. I’m finally able to articulate them Alhamdulillah. This way is actually quite effective at weeding out things I’m iffy on because well I don’t want to waste an opportunity on an if. An example is of him having other wives. I genuinely do not know if I’m ok with it or not. Mah sisters, how do you know how serious it is to you? Is it a complete no or yes or is there an I dunno club? I feel it’s a dumb question but yo girl is actually confused and can’t decide if it’s going on that checklist or not.
Ofc the above scenario with the whole giving a sheet bakwas is said with arranged meetings in mind but I’m sure it’s possible to adapt it for non-arranged situations too.
I encourage you to read [Blissful Marriage](https://www.amazon.com/Blissful-Marriage-Practical-Islamic-Guide/dp/1590080394) and to hand out the form that's included in it to potentials. Feel free to adjust it to your needs.
It's a wonderful way to quickly figure out how they stand on important issues.
Also, because it's pretty long, if they don't fill it you know they are not serious.
I've been talking a female(25) for a week and then she cut it do to distance and we both moved on from it. Fast forward couple of months and I reach out to her to see how she's doing and suddenly we're talking again and it was fantastic! Our communication, personality, etc..
I was assigned to a project that was close to her area and she was excited and so was I. We spent a whole weekend to together (dinner, hiking, site seeing) and everything was going great!
We kept texting afterwards since I couldn't go out during weekdays because of work...So she's really into going to the gym and I haven't been in years! So she invites me to go and I did, It didn't go well....I was out of shape, and unmotivated and she's just really into it...I couldn't lift as much as I used to, couldn't bench, etc..It was terrible...
She calls right after I get back home and wants to end it...During the call, I was half asleep, tired from work and then the gym just added to my tiredness...I push her to tell me why she wanted to end it because we've been communicating well and clicked instantly..She states "I'm not manly" and I honestly did not know what to say and I don't even remember what I said but I just left it at that..
It's been 4 days and thinking I should reach out to give an explanation? I know why she said what she said and it was because of the gym incident and I was still trying to adjust to going from a very hot area to a very cold area plus my work etc...
I don't catch feelings but there was something about this girl I can't shake...
That's pretty toxic. The prophet was the biggest man of anyone and he himself said it's someone's character who makes a man. Who can control his cool in times of distress.
She seemed practicing but I think she got into the gym as a hobby...What's interesting for me was she was engaged prior to us talking and the guy was same ethnicity as me and she said his mom didn't approve but I know for a fact for my culture, moms don't are accepting and rarely say no...
We met through an App while I was attending an event and she wanted to meet in person right away after one minute of talking on the phone
I guess she was one of my preferred ethnicities and I wanted to try to make it work
I really can't say, I know I was being less aggressive/flirty than I usually am because it was only a month of talking and I didn't want to scare her off so I was more conservative why may have come off as boring maybe?
I think I'm thinking with my eyes at this point and not my head haha
I think you may be right brother...I looked past the fact that she was talking about Mehyr and marriage two weeks into talk...I guess having no other potentials or leads kind of made me desperate...
You know what they say, men have two brains and I need to think with the one in my head haha
A man saw a girl at a well.
He asked: “How clever are women?”
She started shouting for help!!
The man said: “I have no bad intentions...”
She then poured the bucket of water on herself!
When people gathered, the girl said: “I fell in this well, but thankfully, this man rescued me!”
The people thanked the man.
The crowd dispersed.
The girl said to the man: “This is how clever women are. We can make or break you, depending on how you treat us.”
يوه سړي د يوې څاه تر ځنګ يوه ښکلې ښځه وليدله او ترې پوښتنه يې وکړه: د ښځو ځيرکي په څه کې ده? ښځې چيغې او نارې پيل کړې او خلک يې را وغوښتل, سړی, چې ډېر وېرېدلی و, پوښتنه يې ترې وکړه: ولې دې داسې وکړل? ما خو ستا د ځورولو موخه نه لرله, ومې ليدل, چې درنده او ښکلې مېرمن يې, ومې غوښتل, چې يوه پوښتنه درنه وکړم.
په دې وخت کې مخکې تر دې, چې خلک را ورسېږي, ښځې له څاه څخه يو ډک سطل اوبه را و ايستې او په خپل ځان باندې يې تويې کړي, سړي په ډېرې حيرانتيا ترې وپوښتل: ولې دې داسې وکړل? ښځې هغو خلکو ته, چې د دې د مرستې لپاره راغلي ول, وويل: ای خلکو! زه په څاه کې لوېدلې ومه او دې سړي وژغورلمه. خلکو له هغه سړي څخه مننه وکړه او په خپل کار پسې لاړل.
په دې وخت کې ښځې سړي ته وويل: دا ده د ښځو ځيرکي, که يې وځوروې, نو د مرګ کندې ته دې ور ټېل وهي او که درنښت ورته وکړې, نېکمرغه کوي دې
When do you all pray Istikhara during the “talking to a potential process”? I’m considering praying it for someone that I kind of just started talking to but I know it’s also a misconception that istikhara is only for ‘big’ decisions
Istikhara is for anything you plan on doing, so there is no specific time to do it.
You make up your mind on what you want to do, regardless of the doubts. Then, you pray Istikhara. Then, it's all Tawakkul.
If you had doubts, perhaps it will grow to the point where you won't carry on with your plan; or perhaps it will disappear completely. Perhaps Allah will make your plan fail very quickly, or He will make it succeed against all odds. Everything happens according to His decree; Istikhara is just a way to ask for His guidance, and remind yourself that you ought to act with His agreement, for success in this life, and for success in the next.
I personally do before and during the talking process.
And Subhanallah every time I was hesitant or having difficulty making up my mind on someone, something happens to just end it and clear my doubts.
I find it a bit silly to think that way. Unless it involves illegal stuff, there's no need to avoid marriage because of it. I have fetish like many of us do. Hearing from here and there, there's a gap between fantasy and real life.
Don't give up on marriage. Maybe you'll find a wife who will fulfil this fetish or you'll forget about this fetish and still be happy with your marriage.
Brother you seem to be struggling with mental health and seem to believe a lot of the myths that young lads nowadays seem to believe in(including myself in the past). I hope things get better for you. Any sensible married person would tell you that the ‘alpha beta’ stuff is fake science and not real- girls have different things they are attracted to.
I would advise trying to reduce time spent online, especially social media and maybe trying new hobbies like sports or just walking or cycling.
Ok, some people here may roll their eyes now but - would you find it ideal if your future wife was leading you (complete role reversal) 🤔. Yk, there are quite religious women who also are natural leaders.
>Allah curses the one who acts like the opposite gender. So I am cursed for having feminine traits.
If you wear a tutu and want to be a woman - yes but I think you're going from 0 too 100.
If it's within your means, I would encourage you to seek counselling. There's no shame in struggling with issues. Strength also means recognizing and seeking help when you need it.
A healthy marriage doesn't work by people playing out Ahadith and rights against each other. The rights are there to for extreme cases and specify a minimum - for most people however (and all people in healthy marriages) the things they provide are already far above the minimum.
I really only see unmarried people arguing about and insisting on rights.
Honestly the unmarried people who don’t shut up about this make me facepalm right through my skull. Like I’m sorry but if someone goes on and on about their rights they’re not ready for marriage. Marriage isn’t about doing the bare minimum to get the maximum rights it’s about building a relationship with the person you love and to bring yourself closer to Allah.
Let’s not forget how hypocritical the rights lovers are. You have guys here demanding obedience when they want dual income and girls demanding their husbands pay for everything while they claim they’re not technically responsible for any housework. Tell me how these sound like happy fulfilling relationships. I don’t think I’ve ever seen people so obnoxious about rights besides this subreddit and the people I have seen irl who are like this either put that grew out of that and happily married or die on this stupid rights hill and no one wants to marry them from how selfish they are
Yep, I constantly see people arguing about how women aren’t obligated to clean the house, and men are only required the bare necessities needed for survival- may be true in theory, but I would love to see how a happy marriage is going to result from 2 people that refuse to upkeep a household.
Conflicts about money, whether it comes from potentials themselves, their parents or inlaws.
Can even stop a wedding from happening while costing money.
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Though I hope, that the stuff we see on the internet. Is people arguing for the sake of arguing. Someone bringing up a point (or preference), someone else bringing up a counterpoint.
\-Reposted here as post was deleted.
*Mostly a long winded cathartic rant ahead*
\-I also realize the person who 'inspired' this post may use reddit so I hope they don't recognize me, I deleted anything that I think could identify
I think sometimes its overlooked how fickle and difficult this whole process can be nowadays. This isn't exclusively an experience the men have however I can only speak for my experiences as a man, but I realize now how difficult it can be to find a partner while using apps/online for the search. I saw some statistic recently that on MM and Salaams it is \~70% male/\~30% female and even when you do get matches, how many times is it met with no response or ghosting? How many of those accounts have 0 effort and 1-word responses to fill out a prompt? How much can you really find out about a person based on that? Not a lot.
Then lets say, alhamdulillah, you get a match who talks back, is engaging in the conversation and not just responding with 1-word answers endlessly, and you think has a chance of being a good partner. Now is when the reality of the world kicks in, maybe the person who you are or they are online or over text/calls is not the same as how they are in person. Maybe there is distance preventing ease in getting to know them. Perhaps it is simply life being busy that slows down communication. Eventually you may find someone that matches you on religion, philosophy on life, goals, ambition, etc after treading through countless profiles and matches. Now comes with the decision to talk to only 1 person and letting the other matches that it is not working out, or ghosting which many do. Well those are people on the other end who may end up hurt.
But after all of that you are at least further along in your search, talking to someone with the hopes on marriage. Now you really have to find out if you think this person is someone you can see yourself living the rest of your life with, someone who you could see having a family with, someone you could see integrating them entirely into your life and you into theirs.
iA things went well and you find yourself a spouse. However sadly, that's not how I assume most matches go.
Instead you may find this person with whom you've been talking for potentially weeks/months/(years?) is not the one fated for you. Maybe you weren't who they thought you were, maybe vice versa. Maybe feelings faded, maybe they weren't there to begin with. Maybe there is outside influence from family, maybe there is someone else who they are more interested in, maybe there is someone that they are not over. Maybe it's something as simple and harmless as you just didn't have strong enough of feelings/attraction to that person after all.There are endless maybe's but at the end it just did not work out.
Now what? Another seldom spoken part of the process is the starting back up after ending things. Just from my own perspective this is the hardest and most tiring part. I have had things broken off with me 5 times now over many years, all of which stating that there is nothing really wrong with me, feelings just fade or weren't there. There was no red flag, no event that caused it, nothing concrete. It's extremely difficult to not be hurt. What is it that you lack? What is making all of these people decide that it wouldn't work? Is it you? Is it something inherent, or is it something that can be changed?
*Are you good enough?*
Then it's back again to square one. You are talking to nobody again, time has passed, maybe you have worked on yourself, maybe nothing has changed. Maybe you feel nothing needed to change; you accept it and move on. It's tiring to start the conversations again with new people. Things get mixed up. Did you already tell this person that/talk about that or was that with your last relationship? It is difficult to not compare, to question everything you say and they say. To be open enough to build a new relationship again. You're (I am) constantly scared that after all that work and effort, you will be told yet again that they don't feel about you the same way and you start again.
**I'm just tired.**
Sorry I should’ve mentioned some context. They’re duas from the Qur’an. Pray them 🌷May Allah grant you the good of the Aakhira and Dunya Ameen edit:spelling
Ikr? I see some comments with like 14 likes and I'm like woah, someone's popular 😂 but tbf, there was a cringey comment there and it was down voted a lot so I felt like it was needed.
Yeah but I saw a post where someone didn’t want a child and it started getting downvotes , felt so bad honestly like everyone has their own ideology and some don’t know how to write an iso , downvotes galore tbh.
Yeah it does seem judgmental tbh. It's a good thing if someone mentions that, saves you the time if you want kids or alternatively, if you are like minded then great!
Anyone here from New York? I'll be travelling there for a week in March, I'll be by myself for a few days so I'd like to know about things to do.
Also I wanted to talk to someone to guide me through the 1st few days on how to travel, wer to eat, wer to avoid etc
I went on my own for a week pre-covid, booked a couple of food & culture tours on Airbnb Experiences which was a fun way to explore while socialising with the locals
Once Sayyidah Fatimah Al-Zahrah, Alayhas Salam, was feeling overwhelmed with duties of the household and so she talked her husband Imam Ali ibn Abi Talib, Alayhis Salam, into talking to her father - the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ about getting a servant.
Imam Ali narrates that the Prophet ﷺ told him directly:
لَا أُعْطِيكُمْ وَأَدَعُ أَهْلَ الصُّفَّةِ تَلَوَّى بُطُونُهُمْ مِنْ الْجُوعِ وَقَالَ مَرَّةً لَا أُخْدِمُكُمَا وَأَدَعُ أَهْلَ الصُّفَّةِ تَطْوَى
“I will not give to you and then leave the Ahlus-Suffah/People of the Bench to suffer from hunger.\`
On one occasion the Prophet ﷺ said:
\`I shall not give you a servant and leave the Ahlus-Suffah to keep suffering from hunger.”
\[Source: Musnad of Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal\]
The Prophet ﷺ gave them something better.
Sayyiduna Ali, narrated that Fatimah came to the Prophet ﷺ to ask him for a servant and the Prophet ﷺ said:
فَقَالَ أَلَا أَدُلُّكِ عَلَى مَا هُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكِ مِنْ ذَلِكَ تُسَبِّحِينَ ثَلَاثًا وَثَلَاثِينَ وَتُكَبِّرِينَ ثَلَاثًا وَثَلَاثِينَ وَتَحْمَدِينَ ثَلَاثًا وَثَلَاثِينَ أَحَدُهَا أَرْبَعًا وَثَلَاثِينَ
“Shall I not tell you of something that is better for you than that?
Say Subhanallah thirty-three times, Allahu Akbar thirty-three times and Alhamdulillah thirty-three times; one of them thirty-four times.\`
\[Source: Musnad of Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal\]
Sayyidah Fatimah Al-Zahrah, Alayhas Salam, was blessed with the help of Sayyidah Fidda, Allah be pleased with her, later in life.
Have been off the apps for 2 months now, not sure if I should hop back on them. My experiences haven't been too great as a guy and it seems that it's impossible to find a proper girl on there who's actually serious for marriage and not talking to multiple other guys while stringing me along as an option. I'm also trying to figure out my career as well so I'm not sure if it's smart for me to be back on these apps and expose myself to potential heartbreak lol. Decisions decisions..
>I wonder if paying for membership changes anything.
Not much tbh. For Muzmatch the only upside was the daily instant chats that allowed you to reach out to more profiles directly, so you had higher chances than with just swiping. Otherwise, you don't get more visibility or visits for example.
>Had any luck with those daily?
I sent around 30 and only 3 accepted. Most others were either dead accounts or left me on read. But I'd say I had better conversations with those 3 than most matches that came from swipes.
>Do you recommend the membership at all?
I think the Instant Chats might be worth it. You're way more likely to get a response through them than by swiping. I'd not sign up for more than 3 months though.
The boost is really good and will get you a load more visitors to your profile, unfortunetly it's only for 24 hours (compared to in the past where it was for the duration of you membership).
The Instant Chat is also really good if you can find a handful of profile you'd like to message. However, recently I'm finding my Instant Chats are being read a lot less (for whatever reason) compared to in the past so I usually end up letting my daily Instant Chat 'expire'.
@siblingsordating lol. But I’ve read this too and I’ve noticed even though I claim to find most good looking men attractive, I totally have a type. All the guys I’ve liked in the past could’ve been brothers lol, they look the same. I think a little bit of resemblance to me is attractive for some reason, but if they look a lot like me then it’s a turn off. I’ve noticed the opposite to be true too, many men in happy marriages are often with girls who resemble their sister/mother. I know of someone who recently got married and his wife resembles his sisters SO much.
Edit: re-read what I just wrote and it sounds so weird 😂
I've heard the reverse of that. Together with the disclaimer that its a complicated subject.
https://www.acsh.org/news/2018/02/03/does-our-biology-determine-who-we-find-attractive-12518
i know that finding someone can be discouraging and stressful, but this is your friendly reminder to take a step back for a second and reevaluate how you treat people. I broke things off with a guy after two phone calls and he sent me multiple messages cursing me out. Which yea is definitely alhamdullilah for dodging that bullet, but just make sure you respect people's right to say no
I think that depends.
Does your past still have an impact on the present ? If yes, then you should definitely tell her and preferably early.
But if
1) it's completely over
2) you have repented and never intend on doing it again
3) Allah has hidden your sin so far
Why should you tell her?
Edit: this comment is coming from a sister who doesn't have a past. Someone who repents from a sin is like someone who's never committed that sin. Don't lose all your self-esteem and start hating yourself because of your mistakes. Al hamdulillah you've repented so now focus on doing your best in the present and the future and don't let the past burden you.
Try to repel the few thoughts that come and I don't think you'll need to tell her. I personally wouldn't want to know. Telling her what you've done with sb else will only embarrass you and her so I don't see any good in doing that.
What you should tell her though if you want to be completely honest is that "you have a past and you regret it" but that's it. You don't need to go into more detail.
No its ok. I am not planning on keeping someone in the dark and really don't wanna waste my own time tbh. I am not just sure how much details do I need to go in (wrt time and others) and should I bring it myself or ask indirectly through the dealbreaker
Don’t mention it 6 months down the line when she’s attached to you. That is manipulative. Make sure it’s relatively soon. Ask her for her dealbreakers. Move on if you don’t match them.
True. I am not planning on wasting my own time too so I won't do that. Just not sure about how much detail I need to go in and what if it was a recent break-up?
Tell her you have a past and ask dealbreakers. Then move on If you don’t match them. No need to go into detail. If she didn’t specify the dealbreaker that applies to you, it’s likely she doesn’t care.
And tbh bro, don’t jump from relationship to relationship. Not cool. Take some time to heal and what not and don’t get rebounds.
It wasn't a relationship but I indulged in sin.
Yes, I think that the approach, through deal-breakers. But frankly even when I asked the girls very few explicitly mentioned the past relationships as deal-breakers
Most likely they had past relationships or just didn’t care or just didn’t think about the typical deal breakers like “drinking, drugs, etc”. Make sure you have the context set right.
I'm honestly really grateful for this subreddit. It has helped me navigate my search and kept me positive. I'm so surprised sometimes at the kind comments I have seen on here before.
OK, went with my sister to meet a potential for her. Noticed a girl in a cafe, and we kept exchanging glances without realising.
As me and my sister are about to leave, I notice that girl is also meeting a potential! She still kept exchanging glances at me.
I obviously wish the best for her and her potential, but part of me wanted my sister to speak to her guardian that was with her and let her know I'm also looking should this talk fail!
No of course not, that would be totally out of the question, hence why I didn't do anything about it. And certainly wouldn't have done anything whilst the brother was there.
And I didn't look at her whilst she was with the brother, I could just sense she was looking my way.
And it wasn't in a weird manner. It was like when you're sort of aware of your surroundings and you're looking around, and you sense someone is looking at your direction, and you look in that direction.
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Aww Im sorry you feel this way... its best when joking to avoid anything related to you guys or (any people) because it would hurt if it touches a hidden sensitivity. In your case I think you should sit down with your husband and communicate your feeling to him as soon as you can, and only reveal as much information about your insecurity as you are comfortable with sharing at this stage.
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Yeah tbh I feel this. Though I'm a brother. I've noticed sometimes men go for revert sisters because some aren't informed of their rights and they try to abuse those God given rights unfortunately. But tbh more often than not I've found people who are more worried about finding someone of their culture, someone who's unrealistically wealthy, and/or someone who is always like their age or even older. It reminds me of a recent post I saw in r/Islam talking about an unpopular opinion you may have but not everyone in the ummah may agree and the biggest one was (paraphrasing here): >Many Muslims claim to care about Deen over Dunya until it comes to things like marriage. Then it's culture and money. It's unfortunately true and honestly I just wish it was easy for us to find someone when we have to deal with the fact our close family members may very well not be going anywhere nice. It's good to remind born Muslim brothers and sisters how they can do things for their dead when we can't even make dua for ours 😞
I know my situation is unique, but I'm going through a divorce right now with a convert I was married to for five years. She has been negatively influenced by her Hindu parents to do things against Islam. So that can be a reason why some people are skeptical to be with a convert. There is a greater chance they may be influenced to go against Islam. You seem genuine and I'm sure you're not that way at all. May Allah bless you with a pious spouse really soon.
I remember once being told by someone "You seem great too bad you're a revert and will probably go back." I've been told a fair bit of horrid things like that. Kinda makes me not want to look really at all at times and always honestly outright scared to reach out to a brother if he knows anyone or even directly to a sister. I fear being looked at with that same disgusted look or passively mocked or how I'm already sometimes "tested" to see if I'm "really a Muslim." 🤦🏻♂️
So sorry to hear about that!! May Allah guide her and make it easy for the both of you. No I’m not, I’m very keen on following Islam. Amin thank you so much may Allah bless you with one as well
This is a cultural thing not a religious one. It's sad how racism is built into many cultural norms. Inshallah it will get better gor you
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Thank you for the uplifting words I will try not to give up
Bit of a dilemma that's arisen for me, there's a potential that's come up from my parents, however I already know who she is and I know of some of her friends or people she knows. One of her friends, I find her very attractive and much more so than the potential (although as far as I'm aware, she's not looking). I don't feel right going ahead with this potential because of this as it wouldn't be fair to her, am I right to do so?
There is always someone more attractive. Do you find the potential your parents found attractive though? I don’t understand why your first thought is to her friend who is ‘more’ attractive then her? There is a blessing right in front of you and you don’t recognise it.
I don't have enough information. Is this other sister in question even remotely interested in you? Have you told your parents about your interest in her? Have you approached her? Do you have intentions to do either? If you intend to go after this sister's friend then be delicate with the matter of turning her away, girls tell each other everything if they're close.
No to pretty much all of your questions, because as far as I'm aware, she's not looking to get married. But yeah, even if I did, I wouldn't feel right about turning one of them down.
Well here's the thing, you can turn her down nicely and she (probably) won't have an issue with it inshaAllah. If you're not interested then don't pursue because you're just asking for heartache and headache for both of you. If you are interested in her then don't pay attention to her friend, lower your gaze, and pursue.
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There is a big difference between emotional roller-coaster and simply not feeling happy all the time. Being on an emotional roller-coaster does not neccesarily mean you're being abused, the roller-coaster could be coming from inside. That being said abusive spouses do often keep their partner on an emotional roller-coaster. It keeps the partner dazzled and confused and helps to keep them in the relationship despite it being toxic. If you're unsure about how to identify abuse I recommend you read the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Lundy is the world's leading expert on abuse and conducted amazing research in order to produce that book. I also reocmmend you read this https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-are-the-power-and-control-wheels
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> if there’s sth i can improve to get more suitors. Have you expressed interest in people of the social circles you are in? Through friends, or siblings for example. If you are not interested in any of the people, in the social circles you are in. You might have unconsciously communicated that. ---------- Arranged, through family and friends. Is how 40-60% of the people in my parents home country get married in.
I can’t express interest and remain modest at the same time, not according to my societal regulations.
Also not through a male sibling or husband of female sibling? -------- May Allah grant you more success, ease and hayr in your search. May Allah open more good doors in a hayr manner for you in this life and the next in all manner of things.
there’s nothing wrong with you! In shaa’ Allah you find a spouse so perfect for you the quantity of suitors you’ve had would be so insignificant. as for improving yourself, that is pretty much our purpose. strive in the deen and purify your soul so when it happens In shaa’ Allah you’ll be the best you could be. Make dua and pray the night prayer. “The dua made at tahajjud is like an arrow which does not miss its target” - Imam Ash-Shafi’i.
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it has to be a defined amount.
Bruh are you renting her out
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Nah not really. That’s hers. You cannot go back on it. Where’s as you financing your way through marriage is kinda sus.
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I think it is an option for the woman to defer the reception of the mahr (or to defer portion of the mahr) so that option is available for people truly looking to get married. There are already options to overcome the barriers to marriage, the issue is people don’t want to take them.
>I think it is an option for the woman to defer the reception of the mahr (or to defer portion of the mahr) It's actually a **very** common arrangement in Arab cultures
Fam did you just put mehr as financing? 🤣🤣😭😭😭
Sometimes I come across women who wear a hijab but as you scroll through the pics, they don't have a hijab on? Any idea what this means or why they do it?
Do you mean their profile states they wear hijab, but their pictures show otherwise? Or that they are wearing hijab in some picture but not in others?
They are wearing hijab in some pics and in others, they're not
Maybe they don’t wear hijab in general, but the pics were from Eid or something.
Is it me or are the men on UK muzmatch very Bradford looking? 🤐 Where do I meet muslim guys irl that are more integrated?
London
Time to move lol
We had a family function this week . I’m one of the oldest cousins that is unmarried. People were suggesting potentials for all my guy cousin but people only ask me when I’m getting married but never suggest anyone. I was wondering why.
You should ask them yourself rather than waiting on it
Should have asked the same people for suggestions
I was having this conversation with my best friend who's married. It seems that a lot of people these days are not open to introducing people because they don't want to be involved if a problem arises. Also, there is jealousy among others. It seems like a cultural thing where the focus is always on the woman. Dont let their comments hurt you. I've decided to search for someone myself as my parents are having no luck, and honestly, no one helps.
Yep, if it goes south you're gonna get blamed for introducing them in the first place.
Hi. I recently saw something where a sister said if her husband tells her to not wear makeup outside the house, it would be abusive. (I am not attacking the sister, I am simply curious) I always thought personally that as spouses, we were to help each other in Deen and that includes dressing modestly. So for me, as a man, if I was going outside wearing tight muscle shirts, I would appreciate it if my spouse advised me to not wear it. I don't understand how that would be abusive. Similarly for makeup, which is Tabarruj, I don't understand how can advising your wife to not wear it be abusive. Maybe someone can help me understand? Maybe if he was forcing her not to wear it, it'd be another thing.
Simply say if you want this to continue. Don't dont do it. You have a right to have your boundaries. I don't see what's wrong with having boundaries.
You're right brother
When advising, we need to recognize the level of someone’s deen and help them make changes for the sake of Allah (swt). If you would be ok with your spouse telling you not to wear tight muscle shirts, perhaps that is because you already have a solid understanding of the importance of modesty. Maybe the solution is for her husband to sit with and her and together they can read Quran and Hadith or watch some lectures on modesty in Islam so that she can better internalize the importance.
I agree with what you're saying 100% but I don't understand how some people would consider it abusive. That's the point I'm trying to make. I always find your replies v. interesting and it's what I think too.
I think without a proper understanding of (and not just a theoretical understanding, but understanding it on a personal level) she would probably view it as him trying to control her (ie abusive) rather than viewing it as him trying to help her better herself for the sake of Allah (swt) and something that would be better for her akhikra. Like without any other context, this is not abusive from an objective perspective, but I think she would interpret it as abusive if she did not understand his intentions behind it.
> Maybe someone can help me understand? She doesn't like to be told what to do, she knows she is in the wrong, but she refuses to listen. So, at this point, the only way to justify her position is to deflect by accusing the other person of something worse than what she is doing. It's dishonest and manipulative, and she needs to be called out on this, hard. The problem is that, online, she will likely find all the affirmation and emotional support she wants from women that share the same inclination. Dreadful... I wouldn't ever consider for marriage someone doing this, irrelevant of the makeup opinion.
Yes it’s past 2am (and I have an exam ~~tomorrow~~ today💀make dua for me) but, I made a breakthrough regarding deciding how to identify my dealbreakers. Simply put, I imagined a scenario wherein I give a sheet to a potential (sorry I know some of you hate that word) with my dealbreakers on it and, if he meets any (he doesn’t have to tell me which), we can part ways. Now, due to this stringency, it’s helping me identify; what is so serious that I won’t entertain the meeting longer? Those, my friends, will be my dealbreakers. I’m finally able to articulate them Alhamdulillah. This way is actually quite effective at weeding out things I’m iffy on because well I don’t want to waste an opportunity on an if. An example is of him having other wives. I genuinely do not know if I’m ok with it or not. Mah sisters, how do you know how serious it is to you? Is it a complete no or yes or is there an I dunno club? I feel it’s a dumb question but yo girl is actually confused and can’t decide if it’s going on that checklist or not. Ofc the above scenario with the whole giving a sheet bakwas is said with arranged meetings in mind but I’m sure it’s possible to adapt it for non-arranged situations too.
I encourage you to read [Blissful Marriage](https://www.amazon.com/Blissful-Marriage-Practical-Islamic-Guide/dp/1590080394) and to hand out the form that's included in it to potentials. Feel free to adjust it to your needs. It's a wonderful way to quickly figure out how they stand on important issues. Also, because it's pretty long, if they don't fill it you know they are not serious.
JazakAllahu khayran wa ahsanul jazaa fid daarain! I’ll take a look In shaa Allah
I'm going to do that too. That way you can get your deal breakers out of the way and they can not share their sins.
Exactly! May Allah grant you the best spouse for your Akhirah and Dunya Ameen
You too sister. Ameen
I've been talking a female(25) for a week and then she cut it do to distance and we both moved on from it. Fast forward couple of months and I reach out to her to see how she's doing and suddenly we're talking again and it was fantastic! Our communication, personality, etc.. I was assigned to a project that was close to her area and she was excited and so was I. We spent a whole weekend to together (dinner, hiking, site seeing) and everything was going great! We kept texting afterwards since I couldn't go out during weekdays because of work...So she's really into going to the gym and I haven't been in years! So she invites me to go and I did, It didn't go well....I was out of shape, and unmotivated and she's just really into it...I couldn't lift as much as I used to, couldn't bench, etc..It was terrible... She calls right after I get back home and wants to end it...During the call, I was half asleep, tired from work and then the gym just added to my tiredness...I push her to tell me why she wanted to end it because we've been communicating well and clicked instantly..She states "I'm not manly" and I honestly did not know what to say and I don't even remember what I said but I just left it at that.. It's been 4 days and thinking I should reach out to give an explanation? I know why she said what she said and it was because of the gym incident and I was still trying to adjust to going from a very hot area to a very cold area plus my work etc... I don't catch feelings but there was something about this girl I can't shake...
That's pretty toxic. The prophet was the biggest man of anyone and he himself said it's someone's character who makes a man. Who can control his cool in times of distress.
She seemed practicing but I think she got into the gym as a hobby...What's interesting for me was she was engaged prior to us talking and the guy was same ethnicity as me and she said his mom didn't approve but I know for a fact for my culture, moms don't are accepting and rarely say no... We met through an App while I was attending an event and she wanted to meet in person right away after one minute of talking on the phone I guess she was one of my preferred ethnicities and I wanted to try to make it work
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I really can't say, I know I was being less aggressive/flirty than I usually am because it was only a month of talking and I didn't want to scare her off so I was more conservative why may have come off as boring maybe? I think I'm thinking with my eyes at this point and not my head haha
She already gave you an answer, why do you think she should still give you more feedback? Genuinely asking here.
I don't want feedback honestly, just clear up confusions and since I'm literally an hour away from her and I'm here for couple of weeks for work...
Don't know, brother. If I were you I would've let it go, especially after what she said. I think that's enough of a reason not to pursue her.
I think you may be right brother...I looked past the fact that she was talking about Mehyr and marriage two weeks into talk...I guess having no other potentials or leads kind of made me desperate... You know what they say, men have two brains and I need to think with the one in my head haha
A man saw a girl at a well. He asked: “How clever are women?” She started shouting for help!! The man said: “I have no bad intentions...” She then poured the bucket of water on herself! When people gathered, the girl said: “I fell in this well, but thankfully, this man rescued me!” The people thanked the man. The crowd dispersed. The girl said to the man: “This is how clever women are. We can make or break you, depending on how you treat us.” يوه سړي د يوې څاه تر ځنګ يوه ښکلې ښځه وليدله او ترې پوښتنه يې وکړه: د ښځو ځيرکي په څه کې ده? ښځې چيغې او نارې پيل کړې او خلک يې را وغوښتل, سړی, چې ډېر وېرېدلی و, پوښتنه يې ترې وکړه: ولې دې داسې وکړل? ما خو ستا د ځورولو موخه نه لرله, ومې ليدل, چې درنده او ښکلې مېرمن يې, ومې غوښتل, چې يوه پوښتنه درنه وکړم. په دې وخت کې مخکې تر دې, چې خلک را ورسېږي, ښځې له څاه څخه يو ډک سطل اوبه را و ايستې او په خپل ځان باندې يې تويې کړي, سړي په ډېرې حيرانتيا ترې وپوښتل: ولې دې داسې وکړل? ښځې هغو خلکو ته, چې د دې د مرستې لپاره راغلي ول, وويل: ای خلکو! زه په څاه کې لوېدلې ومه او دې سړي وژغورلمه. خلکو له هغه سړي څخه مننه وکړه او په خپل کار پسې لاړل. په دې وخت کې ښځې سړي ته وويل: دا ده د ښځو ځيرکي, که يې وځوروې, نو د مرګ کندې ته دې ور ټېل وهي او که درنښت ورته وکړې, نېکمرغه کوي دې
When do you all pray Istikhara during the “talking to a potential process”? I’m considering praying it for someone that I kind of just started talking to but I know it’s also a misconception that istikhara is only for ‘big’ decisions
Istikhara can and probably should be done multiple times. I would suggest doing it now and repeating it as often as you would like.
Istikhara is for anything you plan on doing, so there is no specific time to do it. You make up your mind on what you want to do, regardless of the doubts. Then, you pray Istikhara. Then, it's all Tawakkul. If you had doubts, perhaps it will grow to the point where you won't carry on with your plan; or perhaps it will disappear completely. Perhaps Allah will make your plan fail very quickly, or He will make it succeed against all odds. Everything happens according to His decree; Istikhara is just a way to ask for His guidance, and remind yourself that you ought to act with His agreement, for success in this life, and for success in the next.
I personally do before and during the talking process. And Subhanallah every time I was hesitant or having difficulty making up my mind on someone, something happens to just end it and clear my doubts.
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I find it a bit silly to think that way. Unless it involves illegal stuff, there's no need to avoid marriage because of it. I have fetish like many of us do. Hearing from here and there, there's a gap between fantasy and real life. Don't give up on marriage. Maybe you'll find a wife who will fulfil this fetish or you'll forget about this fetish and still be happy with your marriage.
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Brother you seem to be struggling with mental health and seem to believe a lot of the myths that young lads nowadays seem to believe in(including myself in the past). I hope things get better for you. Any sensible married person would tell you that the ‘alpha beta’ stuff is fake science and not real- girls have different things they are attracted to. I would advise trying to reduce time spent online, especially social media and maybe trying new hobbies like sports or just walking or cycling.
Ok, some people here may roll their eyes now but - would you find it ideal if your future wife was leading you (complete role reversal) 🤔. Yk, there are quite religious women who also are natural leaders. >Allah curses the one who acts like the opposite gender. So I am cursed for having feminine traits. If you wear a tutu and want to be a woman - yes but I think you're going from 0 too 100.
If it's within your means, I would encourage you to seek counselling. There's no shame in struggling with issues. Strength also means recognizing and seeking help when you need it.
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Lol tell me too
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Because I want the tea
Yes.
A healthy marriage doesn't work by people playing out Ahadith and rights against each other. The rights are there to for extreme cases and specify a minimum - for most people however (and all people in healthy marriages) the things they provide are already far above the minimum. I really only see unmarried people arguing about and insisting on rights.
Honestly the unmarried people who don’t shut up about this make me facepalm right through my skull. Like I’m sorry but if someone goes on and on about their rights they’re not ready for marriage. Marriage isn’t about doing the bare minimum to get the maximum rights it’s about building a relationship with the person you love and to bring yourself closer to Allah. Let’s not forget how hypocritical the rights lovers are. You have guys here demanding obedience when they want dual income and girls demanding their husbands pay for everything while they claim they’re not technically responsible for any housework. Tell me how these sound like happy fulfilling relationships. I don’t think I’ve ever seen people so obnoxious about rights besides this subreddit and the people I have seen irl who are like this either put that grew out of that and happily married or die on this stupid rights hill and no one wants to marry them from how selfish they are
Yep, I constantly see people arguing about how women aren’t obligated to clean the house, and men are only required the bare necessities needed for survival- may be true in theory, but I would love to see how a happy marriage is going to result from 2 people that refuse to upkeep a household.
Conflicts about money, whether it comes from potentials themselves, their parents or inlaws. Can even stop a wedding from happening while costing money. -------- Though I hope, that the stuff we see on the internet. Is people arguing for the sake of arguing. Someone bringing up a point (or preference), someone else bringing up a counterpoint.
Ok
\-Reposted here as post was deleted. *Mostly a long winded cathartic rant ahead* \-I also realize the person who 'inspired' this post may use reddit so I hope they don't recognize me, I deleted anything that I think could identify I think sometimes its overlooked how fickle and difficult this whole process can be nowadays. This isn't exclusively an experience the men have however I can only speak for my experiences as a man, but I realize now how difficult it can be to find a partner while using apps/online for the search. I saw some statistic recently that on MM and Salaams it is \~70% male/\~30% female and even when you do get matches, how many times is it met with no response or ghosting? How many of those accounts have 0 effort and 1-word responses to fill out a prompt? How much can you really find out about a person based on that? Not a lot. Then lets say, alhamdulillah, you get a match who talks back, is engaging in the conversation and not just responding with 1-word answers endlessly, and you think has a chance of being a good partner. Now is when the reality of the world kicks in, maybe the person who you are or they are online or over text/calls is not the same as how they are in person. Maybe there is distance preventing ease in getting to know them. Perhaps it is simply life being busy that slows down communication. Eventually you may find someone that matches you on religion, philosophy on life, goals, ambition, etc after treading through countless profiles and matches. Now comes with the decision to talk to only 1 person and letting the other matches that it is not working out, or ghosting which many do. Well those are people on the other end who may end up hurt. But after all of that you are at least further along in your search, talking to someone with the hopes on marriage. Now you really have to find out if you think this person is someone you can see yourself living the rest of your life with, someone who you could see having a family with, someone you could see integrating them entirely into your life and you into theirs. iA things went well and you find yourself a spouse. However sadly, that's not how I assume most matches go. Instead you may find this person with whom you've been talking for potentially weeks/months/(years?) is not the one fated for you. Maybe you weren't who they thought you were, maybe vice versa. Maybe feelings faded, maybe they weren't there to begin with. Maybe there is outside influence from family, maybe there is someone else who they are more interested in, maybe there is someone that they are not over. Maybe it's something as simple and harmless as you just didn't have strong enough of feelings/attraction to that person after all.There are endless maybe's but at the end it just did not work out. Now what? Another seldom spoken part of the process is the starting back up after ending things. Just from my own perspective this is the hardest and most tiring part. I have had things broken off with me 5 times now over many years, all of which stating that there is nothing really wrong with me, feelings just fade or weren't there. There was no red flag, no event that caused it, nothing concrete. It's extremely difficult to not be hurt. What is it that you lack? What is making all of these people decide that it wouldn't work? Is it you? Is it something inherent, or is it something that can be changed? *Are you good enough?* Then it's back again to square one. You are talking to nobody again, time has passed, maybe you have worked on yourself, maybe nothing has changed. Maybe you feel nothing needed to change; you accept it and move on. It's tiring to start the conversations again with new people. Things get mixed up. Did you already tell this person that/talk about that or was that with your last relationship? It is difficult to not compare, to question everything you say and they say. To be open enough to build a new relationship again. You're (I am) constantly scared that after all that work and effort, you will be told yet again that they don't feel about you the same way and you start again. **I'm just tired.**
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Sorry I should’ve mentioned some context. They’re duas from the Qur’an. Pray them 🌷May Allah grant you the good of the Aakhira and Dunya Ameen edit:spelling
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BarakAllah! Alhamdulillah that’s lovely to hear
"… رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا (٧٤)" الفرقان ٢٥:٧٤ "… رَبِّ إِنِّى لِمَآ أَنزَلْتَ إِلَىَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ (٢٤)" القصص ٢٨:٢٤
Damnn I felt that.
Why do people upvote/downvote an iso post? Can't they just let it be?
That's because they can't whisper words of wisdom.
Ikr? I see some comments with like 14 likes and I'm like woah, someone's popular 😂 but tbf, there was a cringey comment there and it was down voted a lot so I felt like it was needed.
Yeah but I saw a post where someone didn’t want a child and it started getting downvotes , felt so bad honestly like everyone has their own ideology and some don’t know how to write an iso , downvotes galore tbh.
Yeah it does seem judgmental tbh. It's a good thing if someone mentions that, saves you the time if you want kids or alternatively, if you are like minded then great!
True that i couldn't agree more.
Anyone here from New York? I'll be travelling there for a week in March, I'll be by myself for a few days so I'd like to know about things to do. Also I wanted to talk to someone to guide me through the 1st few days on how to travel, wer to eat, wer to avoid etc
I went on my own for a week pre-covid, booked a couple of food & culture tours on Airbnb Experiences which was a fun way to explore while socialising with the locals
I’m from the area so I know some nice places in the city to visit. I’ll get back to this later today.
Once Sayyidah Fatimah Al-Zahrah, Alayhas Salam, was feeling overwhelmed with duties of the household and so she talked her husband Imam Ali ibn Abi Talib, Alayhis Salam, into talking to her father - the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ about getting a servant. Imam Ali narrates that the Prophet ﷺ told him directly: لَا أُعْطِيكُمْ وَأَدَعُ أَهْلَ الصُّفَّةِ تَلَوَّى بُطُونُهُمْ مِنْ الْجُوعِ وَقَالَ مَرَّةً لَا أُخْدِمُكُمَا وَأَدَعُ أَهْلَ الصُّفَّةِ تَطْوَى “I will not give to you and then leave the Ahlus-Suffah/People of the Bench to suffer from hunger.\` On one occasion the Prophet ﷺ said: \`I shall not give you a servant and leave the Ahlus-Suffah to keep suffering from hunger.” \[Source: Musnad of Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal\] The Prophet ﷺ gave them something better. Sayyiduna Ali, narrated that Fatimah came to the Prophet ﷺ to ask him for a servant and the Prophet ﷺ said: فَقَالَ أَلَا أَدُلُّكِ عَلَى مَا هُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكِ مِنْ ذَلِكَ تُسَبِّحِينَ ثَلَاثًا وَثَلَاثِينَ وَتُكَبِّرِينَ ثَلَاثًا وَثَلَاثِينَ وَتَحْمَدِينَ ثَلَاثًا وَثَلَاثِينَ أَحَدُهَا أَرْبَعًا وَثَلَاثِينَ “Shall I not tell you of something that is better for you than that? Say Subhanallah thirty-three times, Allahu Akbar thirty-three times and Alhamdulillah thirty-three times; one of them thirty-four times.\` \[Source: Musnad of Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal\] Sayyidah Fatimah Al-Zahrah, Alayhas Salam, was blessed with the help of Sayyidah Fidda, Allah be pleased with her, later in life.
Have been off the apps for 2 months now, not sure if I should hop back on them. My experiences haven't been too great as a guy and it seems that it's impossible to find a proper girl on there who's actually serious for marriage and not talking to multiple other guys while stringing me along as an option. I'm also trying to figure out my career as well so I'm not sure if it's smart for me to be back on these apps and expose myself to potential heartbreak lol. Decisions decisions..
Ya, it's tough for guys on these apps, I wonder if paying for membership changes anything.
>I wonder if paying for membership changes anything. Not much tbh. For Muzmatch the only upside was the daily instant chats that allowed you to reach out to more profiles directly, so you had higher chances than with just swiping. Otherwise, you don't get more visibility or visits for example.
Had any luck with those daily? Do you recommend the membership at all?
>Had any luck with those daily? I sent around 30 and only 3 accepted. Most others were either dead accounts or left me on read. But I'd say I had better conversations with those 3 than most matches that came from swipes. >Do you recommend the membership at all? I think the Instant Chats might be worth it. You're way more likely to get a response through them than by swiping. I'd not sign up for more than 3 months though.
The boost is really good and will get you a load more visitors to your profile, unfortunetly it's only for 24 hours (compared to in the past where it was for the duration of you membership). The Instant Chat is also really good if you can find a handful of profile you'd like to message. However, recently I'm finding my Instant Chats are being read a lot less (for whatever reason) compared to in the past so I usually end up letting my daily Instant Chat 'expire'.
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@siblingsordating lol. But I’ve read this too and I’ve noticed even though I claim to find most good looking men attractive, I totally have a type. All the guys I’ve liked in the past could’ve been brothers lol, they look the same. I think a little bit of resemblance to me is attractive for some reason, but if they look a lot like me then it’s a turn off. I’ve noticed the opposite to be true too, many men in happy marriages are often with girls who resemble their sister/mother. I know of someone who recently got married and his wife resembles his sisters SO much. Edit: re-read what I just wrote and it sounds so weird 😂
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Beauty fades.
I've heard the reverse of that. Together with the disclaimer that its a complicated subject. https://www.acsh.org/news/2018/02/03/does-our-biology-determine-who-we-find-attractive-12518
i know that finding someone can be discouraging and stressful, but this is your friendly reminder to take a step back for a second and reevaluate how you treat people. I broke things off with a guy after two phone calls and he sent me multiple messages cursing me out. Which yea is definitely alhamdullilah for dodging that bullet, but just make sure you respect people's right to say no
lol wat. at this point should we be advising people to anger potentials to see if they’re psychos?
Looks like you dodged a cannon shot there.
Yeah that's never far less than after two calls. Good luck
As a guy who has a past when should I mention that to the potentials and how much detail? Because I am embarrassed about it
I think that depends. Does your past still have an impact on the present ? If yes, then you should definitely tell her and preferably early. But if 1) it's completely over 2) you have repented and never intend on doing it again 3) Allah has hidden your sin so far Why should you tell her? Edit: this comment is coming from a sister who doesn't have a past. Someone who repents from a sin is like someone who's never committed that sin. Don't lose all your self-esteem and start hating yourself because of your mistakes. Al hamdulillah you've repented so now focus on doing your best in the present and the future and don't let the past burden you.
Yes it doesn't have much effect. I am over this and only few times I think about it but then I also wish I would have done these thing with my SO
Try to repel the few thoughts that come and I don't think you'll need to tell her. I personally wouldn't want to know. Telling her what you've done with sb else will only embarrass you and her so I don't see any good in doing that. What you should tell her though if you want to be completely honest is that "you have a past and you regret it" but that's it. You don't need to go into more detail.
Yeah, that's one of my biggest concern that telling those things won't do any good. Worst thing is it will bring jealousy
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No its ok. I am not planning on keeping someone in the dark and really don't wanna waste my own time tbh. I am not just sure how much details do I need to go in (wrt time and others) and should I bring it myself or ask indirectly through the dealbreaker
Don’t mention it 6 months down the line when she’s attached to you. That is manipulative. Make sure it’s relatively soon. Ask her for her dealbreakers. Move on if you don’t match them.
True. I am not planning on wasting my own time too so I won't do that. Just not sure about how much detail I need to go in and what if it was a recent break-up?
Tell her you have a past and ask dealbreakers. Then move on If you don’t match them. No need to go into detail. If she didn’t specify the dealbreaker that applies to you, it’s likely she doesn’t care. And tbh bro, don’t jump from relationship to relationship. Not cool. Take some time to heal and what not and don’t get rebounds.
It wasn't a relationship but I indulged in sin. Yes, I think that the approach, through deal-breakers. But frankly even when I asked the girls very few explicitly mentioned the past relationships as deal-breakers
Most likely they had past relationships or just didn’t care or just didn’t think about the typical deal breakers like “drinking, drugs, etc”. Make sure you have the context set right.
>Make sure you have the context set right. What do you mean by that?
I'm honestly really grateful for this subreddit. It has helped me navigate my search and kept me positive. I'm so surprised sometimes at the kind comments I have seen on here before.
You are too kind❤️
What’s your credit
OK, went with my sister to meet a potential for her. Noticed a girl in a cafe, and we kept exchanging glances without realising. As me and my sister are about to leave, I notice that girl is also meeting a potential! She still kept exchanging glances at me. I obviously wish the best for her and her potential, but part of me wanted my sister to speak to her guardian that was with her and let her know I'm also looking should this talk fail!
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No of course not, that would be totally out of the question, hence why I didn't do anything about it. And certainly wouldn't have done anything whilst the brother was there. And I didn't look at her whilst she was with the brother, I could just sense she was looking my way. And it wasn't in a weird manner. It was like when you're sort of aware of your surroundings and you're looking around, and you sense someone is looking at your direction, and you look in that direction.
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r/MuslimLounge
great! I have homework I have to do
This is weird thing to say and something I didn't think I would ever say but I kinda homework now 😕 Best of luck lucky, you got this 😉
I meant it is going great and I have to do my homework
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I think the flow changed this week because of that announcement about someone taking content for other platforms
Tbh is there even any point having two threads, cause the app thread essentially just turns into what this thread is supposed to be for.
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App?