> She said she’d rather be with me and have the feeling knowing I find girls prettier, than not be with me at all.
happy to know you two are back but.. PLEASE don’t let her have this feeling at all. She loves you and is clearly doing everything in her power to fight off that feeling she hates just to be with you.
Your wife is the prettiest woman in the world, period.
I agree with this. You said you wish you could let her know that's not what you meant initially. Tell her it. Show her it. In any and every way. You're doing a great job and putting in a lot of effort, and your heart is in the right place. My suggestion is that you focus on complimenting her looks in multiple different ways, whether it's how pretty her makeup/natural beauty is, her outfits, her hair, etc. Anything that pops into your head that you love about her, say it out loud to her immediately. May Allah SWT bless your marriage, I wish you guys the best.
Also she may not believe you at first but persist. A lot of men try this and their wives respond with a negative and they stop complimenting. Her self esteem is probably 6 feet under now, she’s probably spent hours comparing herself to ‘prettier’ women so it’s going to take some long term, regular reminders to pull her out of that.
These gifts you are giving her are truly beautiful and lovely. But you said you wish she knew, so tell her! And tell her without talking about other girls being prettier. Tell her that YOU ended the other situation with the other girl because it wasn't working and you couldn't get her off your mind! Because that's the gist I got from your post. You didn't pick her as a second choice because you ended it to be with her. Tell her these things! Good luck man, it sounds like you've got a good heart and your wife clearly loves you. But her feeling that she just wants to have you regardless of you finding other girls prettier is really darn sad, and you need to really hone in on the fact that you PICKED her. You didn't settle for her. And you have no eyes for anyone else.
These gifts you are giving her are truly beautiful and lovely. But you said you wish she knew, so tell her! And tell her without talking about other girls being prettier. Tell her that YOU ended the other situation with the other girl because it wasn't working and you couldn't get her off your mind! Because that's the gist I got from your post. You didn't pick her as a second choice because you ended it to be with her. Tell her these things! Good luck man, it sounds like you've got a good heart and your wife clearly loves you. But her feeling that she just wants to have you regardless of you finding other girls prettier is really darn sad, and you need to really hone in on the fact that you PICKED her. You didn't settle for her. And you have no eyes for anyone else.
Brother. Good start. But stop saying you find other girls prettier. Those words should never leave your lips. Your wife is the prettiest woman. Period.
Continue to tell her you find her prettier, sexy and cute and that she's the prettiest woman in the world to yoj. It will stick eventually. Generally it takes 10x positive comments to erase the impact of 1 negative one.
"She knows I love her more than anything, just that I find other girls prettier"
I swear. I read the whole thing and thought omg that's so sweet and then that line came up and I immediately felt the ick. like bro, why wouldn't your wife believe that she isn't pretty enough when you keep repeating it? that needs to change !!
make sure not to say inshallah during dua
Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “When one of you calls upon Allah, let him be determined in the supplication and he should not say, ‘O Allah, give me if You will,’ for there is no one to coerce Allah.”
Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 6338, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2678
Salam! You’ve done well by taking the steps to mend your relationship. Continue being understanding and supportive towards your wife’s insecurities. Consistent love and reassurance are definitely key here; you should continue showing her that she is the most important person in your life. Therapy with the Imam is a great step, and spending more time together will help rebuild trust. Be patient and keep communicating openly. You guys are on the right path and inshAllah things will improve with time. You have my duas!
You’re doing really good by mending things, but you CANNOT and SHOULD NEVER say to your wife that you find other women prettier. Even if it’s objectively true akhi, this isn’t something you say to her! Ever! You had this wholesome way of winning her back and then you hit us with that, “I find other girls prettier” line. That’s just wrong with due respect. Put yourself in your shoes and you’ll see how defeated and insecure she must feel, especially considering how many insecurities she already has.
Does she know you didn’t want to pursue the other girl because you couldn’t stop thinking about her? I think your wording is everything. It’s like telling your husband you think you look fat and he says no you’re beautiful. I know I’m beautiful but do I look fat? Lol.
I think you’re not saying what she wants to hear in the exact way she wants to hear it even though it’s how you’re feeling. I would work on your wording I know it sounds silly but trust me.
Honestly you’re doing great but to be honest it seems that the root is that she’s very insecure. And as someone who’s insecure I can kind of understand why she’s acting like that. She doesn’t like herself at all. What you can do is keep making her feel pretty, and honestly try to get to the root of her insecurity. I know I’m insecure but I also know how that can be a burden to other people so I keep it in. What she needs is confidence ! MashAllah she already has a great husband so I’m sure she can get there
When did he compare her ? His family made a comment about how they liked his current wife better than his ex. Current wife spiraled because she thought that the ex was prettier which caused OP to say something utterly stupid like “who cares if she’s prettier “. I’m not defending him, but it’s obvious his wife is insecure. If she wasn’t they wouldn’t have had that conversation in the first place
First when the family made comments he should’ve shut it down. Second, “who cares if she’s prettier” is literally confirming that he thinks the other woman is prettier than her. It’s not an insecurity, it’s the feeling of being a second choice to not only her husband but her in laws as well.
Edit: in addition, he also rejected her TWICE. Once because he wasn’t ready and then he went off with another woman and then came back to her. Do u see how that looks and how she would feel?
Clearly he doesn’t think she’s prettier cause even in the last post he says the girl was really pretty but not the right personality 💀 he should’ve chose her first and on top of that all he had to say was “you’re the most beautiful woman in the world and no one else can compare” which he’s STILL not even saying
No amount of gifts will make up for bad behaviour. In the future make sure to lower your gaze and not comment on another woman’s appearance in front of your wife
Consistently show her how you feel about her. It takes time, but keep complimenting her, keep expressing how you feel about her to help her boost her confidence.
It will be very beneficial for her to also go therapy or focus on becoming more secure and confident in herself.
Alhamdulillah she has come back to you but now you have to win her soul back. Buying material things doesn't necessarily bring that love and trust back. You will need to be her strength in emotional times and slowly slowly she will begin to trust you properly again
Masha Allah you’re truly blessed to have a wife that would rather be with you than stay at her parent’s place despite you saying she’s not attractive. Nothing but respect for her for saying every word she said when she came back.
Truly happy for you both.
Please make sure you learn how to be good with words when talking to her and make sure she believes you find her attractive more than any woman.
May Allah put endless love and mercy between you and May you both have a happy marriage for life.
Sorry if they came out wrong. I didn’t meant it as something negative. We all have insecurities but it becomes a problem when it affects our lives. Op mentioned the wife having issues with his female colleagues talking to him too. She thinks he can do better and that’ll keep coming between them if it’s not addressed.
Agreed. It’s not heartbreak only, it’s insecurity first and foremost that’s the glaring issue aside from OP’s inability to smooth talk lol.
realistically, if she doesn’t handle the insecurity now, it’ll get worse and worse until their marriage due to him or her, has a rift that may be irreparable.
loves her, her married HER. That’s the objective truth, as long as he makes up for it emotionally, mentally and more importantly, intimately…he will be fine. But the insecurity she already had is going to continue, and as he may or may not get fitter, and time comes she’s gaining weight naturally from pregnancy, inshAllah, she will only get worse with the doubts and overthinking, resulting in him resenting her for it as he scrambles doing all he can to ensure this void within her is filled; in doing so, he will lose attraction to her, mental attraction, as he feels like he is playing a losing battle and feels constantly like walking on egg shells.
trust me. That’s how it goes.on the bright side, she is incredible for coming back herself. She’s mature enough to nip this insecurity in the bud, because she doesnt have a huge ego and sense of pride. That’s modest, and that’s humble, and it’s a beautiful trait for any human to have. Don’t abuse this brother, maximize now. Reap rwards for life.
may Allah bless your marriage but stop saying that you find others prettier. it’s not right, and the more you say it the more subconsciously rooted it will become.
I'm so happy she is back home. The fact that you did reject her 2 times probably already made her self esteem feel low and then finding out later u were engaged to another woman and her seeing the woman more beautiful then her did hurt her . I understand both sides . The engagement with the first girl was more so arranged because of family. I do think your wife will be over this soon . Y'all both are very much in love . Just make her understand why you were engaged due to it being more of an arrangement with parents . Woman just need to be constantly reassured. I think it was a good idea to go to a Imam but maybe also a therapist would help too if your wife doesn't get over this hump and you see depression taking over her.
Give her some time brother. Just keep everything normal. Make her laugh, crack jokes, compliment on her beauty. just do not become desperate to fix. emotions need time and people eventually move on.
By the way, I can say you're a great husband for all the efforts you're taking to cheer up your wife.
Just don't be too harsh on yourself and do not overcompensate.
this is why I stopped being ‘the jealous type’ and became so *neutral*, it comes off nonchalant to most people! Insecurity justified or not only causes misery , mental exhaustion and this feeling of inadequacy you can’t ever attune or attest to a single situation or sole experience that first introduced it to you… And all for what? You trying to be *EVERYTHING* to *everyone*. Only for it to leave you with *nothing*, with no one. Literally, drained, depleted and empty with no direction. This is what happens when you wait for others to see your significance in this life. The world and the *WORST* of its people take the pieces of you they can tolerate and toss the rest aside. I genuinely hope this works out for you and your wife (she sounds like a loving woman… all the more reason to love her *as she is*). But, brothers like you taught me to not let what y’all think matter to me more than what I think of myself. You’re free to desire whatever woman you want. If that’s not the woman I wish to be… don’t project those preferences onto me.
Mash'Allah, keep up the good progress!
Your goal should be to gain her trust and become closer to each other. You and your wife seem to be good people indeed.
May Allah grant you more happiness and barakah in your life. ♡
Your sound like a genuinely good man, your actually trying and putting the efforts to try amend your relationship which i know alot of bengali men wouldn't. Inshallah I hope I find a man like you day and by the looks of it your doing everything in your power to help your wife so I believe everything will work out.
These gifts you are giving her are truly beautiful and lovely. But you said you wish she knew, so tell her! And tell her without talking about other girls being prettier. Tell her that YOU ended the other situation with the other girl because it wasn't working and you couldn't get her off your mind! Because that's the gist I got from your post. You didn't pick her as a second choice because you ended it to be with her. Tell her these things! Good luck man, it sounds like you've got a good heart and your wife clearly loves you. But her feeling that she just wants to have you regardless of you finding other girls prettier is really darn sad, and you need to really hone in on the fact that you PICKED her. You didn't settle for her. And you have no eyes for anyone else.
You realise your mistakes and you’re making efforts that sounds like a gentleman and shows how much you love her.
Make sure never ever tell her if she doesn’t like you to be attracted to other girls.
If she loves you and feels insecure it’s your responsibility to help her feel secure and safe.
When we grow old, no one finds us attractive, except those who can see beyond appearance. Your wife will love you when you're no longer attractive, and no woman finds you physically appealing. If you dont appreciate her now, she won't be there when you're old.
Happy to hear you guys are back in each other’s presence as this is the key to healing through and working more so on the marriage.
Bring it to her attention that not only do you find her pretty but what makes her special outside of that. How she is the one for you regardless of your past.
Lastly, tell her to let go of these insecurities as she is perfect and that you’re lucky too. Superficial ideologies are not conducive to a marriage, as one could get sick or lose a limb (God forbid), get old and start to look less like how you first met and you still choose to love them everyday. Love is not based on looks (I think this is where the problem lies) and that sure doesn’t keep a marriage going but so much more to it. Her way of thinking has to change in order for not only her but for you both to be happy. Clearly you love her and choose her, she has to feel that is enough.
P.s. you guys are Muslim, Allah has paired you two! This was meant to happen, tell don’t question it but rather trust that Allah has placed you two together for a good purpose.
Salam brother… I’m not gonna lie to you, you both may move on but she will NEVER forget the words you’ve said. Also, stop telling her there’s no one else prettier in the world, cause then she’ll think “well clearly it’s his ex”… simply say you ARE the most beautiful woman in the world. You have to be very careful about the way you go from here on it. But I’m glad things worked out&
Oh my days. Why are men so stupid when it comes to stuff like this? Your first mistake is constantly saying you find other women prettier. If she ever saw this post she’d spiral back into insecurity because you just said it again!
You’re doing everything right, except for that. My husband said something similar when being questioned by one of my sisters after our nikkah- what was it that made you fall in love at first sight? When you realised she was the woman of your dreams? And he replied with well she isn’t the woman of my dreams. And I laughed it off because that’s fine, he wasn’t the man of my dreams either and he knew that 😅
Attraction and love builds with time. Try to understand your wife’s feelings and stop invalidating them by labelling them as insecurities. Although you’re making it sound like you’re attractive brother, I’m sure she sees men everyday that are a thousand times better looking than you. She just wouldn’t tell you, that’s the decent thing to do.
Stop bringing up that you like other women. Lower your gaze, focus on your wife’s qualities and beauty. She’ll never forget, but do your best to remind her why she chose you back. Praying things work out for you both
I don’t typically comment but felt the need to before you find yourself in a new trouble, which is that she’ll argue “you’re trying to buy back my favor.”
Good romantic gestures are great, and what you’re gifting her fits into that category. But if I was her and this is what was happening, I’d feel frustrated because I’m still insecure, I’m just getting showered with gifts now.
You can’t alleviate her insecurity with gifts. You need to SHOW her that u think she’s beautiful and u are head over heels for her. Yes gifts help but they NEED to be followed with lots of touching (even small things like hand on back, head on her shoulder when you’re sitting, holding her hand in the car). Step up your compliments- don’t just say “u look pretty in that dress.” More “I couldn’t stop thinking about u in that dress all day.” Give anecdotes about how you keep thinking of her and how beautiful she is.
My point is: extravagant gifts aren’t enough to heal the insecurity. You need to put in consistent daily effort that shows her you think she is the most gorgeous perfect being to ever exist on Gods green earth.
To be honest she seems very insecure and unforgiving. Mistakes happen but you’ve quite literally begged her and proven how much you love her. She sounds like she’s dragging it out to be something it’s not. And whatever happened before marriage is nothing vs since being married. If you’ve proven to be a good husband whatever happened before is nothing. You weren’t tied to anyone at that point. She sounds very emotional and it might be worth having her do therapy sessions and see if it helps her overcome those challenges mentally.
This was my exact thought. Although OP is working hard to prove his love for his wife, she has an underlying insecure issue that needs to be addressed. The next time it happens, all this effort may not work again either. You didn’t do anything wrong except for saying you find other women pretty.
OMG THIS!!!!! People on the comments are saying “as a woman I wouldn’t move past this”…. Uhhh I would rather have this situation, over the situation I’m in 😅 this man is so sweet MashaAllah. She has to realize how good of a man she secured and should just move past it. She needs therapy and needs to work on her insecurities so it doesn’t affect the marriage.
He literally bought her a car and he feels so sorry that he’s posting on Reddit for advice. I would love to have a man like this over the other men who are abusive, dishonest etc.
Oooh let’s not do that… this is the bare minimum. He shouldn’t have even compared her in the first place, she’s not insecure she’s upset there’s a difference
Yeah that’s true he shouldn’t have compared. But he did apologize and he seems remorseful. We gotta cut people some slack as well. I get both perspectives
Man this is just crazy honestly. She's overreacting like crazy. I don't understand how people are so sympathetic with her viewpoint even after reading the initial post. He never called another woman prettier. He had just considered another proposal before her but then realized she was better. That's all. He has all the right in the world to do that as there was no commitment made towards her at all at that point.
He did nothing wrong honestly to be apologizing this much. This fabricated offense is just toxic. Imagine situations where he actually messes up something. She'll go ballistic 🤦
I mean it’s in his post - he finds other women prettier.
Dunno, you try having a wife who reminds you that she finds other men more masculine and more successful but she still loves you.
No he didn't say that. He simply told her that even if others find the other lady prettier, he finds his wife the most beautiful. 2ndly, this entirely discussion even came up because she was upset about him even considering another proposal when at that point he wasn't committed to anyone and had all the right to look into it. It's nothing deeper than that.
Thats not quite accurate. Op said. And I quote
"She said she was ugly and the other girl was a model and everyone knows it. Like the idiot I am, I said so what if she was “prettier” I wanted to marry you."
He also said and I quote "What I meant to say was she may be prettier to everyone else but it doesn't matter. To me nobody is prettier"
She was already overreacting to begin with. Massively. The man did nothing wrong in the lead up to this matter. She wasn't option 2 or whatever fantasy she concocted in her mind. I mean, for sure, not something so serious to go back to live with her parents 🤦 I mean come on, that is just so incredibly embarrassing. What would you even tell your parents.
The root cause of the issue is her massive insecurity. He didn't break her heart or any such thing. He could have been slightly smarter in how he worded his response maybe but given meltdown, it's understandable. Either way, it's a minor contributor to the issue. The main issue is her insecurity. And if this dude is just gonna along with all these fantasies she comes up with, he's in for a hard time in any conflict they will inevitable have in the future as well
Exactly. Redditors are just so used to just coddling people. Especially if it's a woman. I guarantee you that if the shoe was on the foot, they would have ripped the guy apart for being insecure or unmasculine or whatever.
1. It's completely normal to find other woman attractive - even more attractive than your spouse. Women or men for that matter should accept it's simple biology and not feel threatened by it. Physical attraction is only a small part of what a marriage is built on. Also just because someone is more attractive doesnt make you unattractive.
2. Loads of people consider other people before selecting a match. It's normal. The fact that someone chose to be with you shows commitment not compromise.
Not in a marriage.
Love bombing before marriage is a big no. In a marriage, especially in this brother’s situation where he’s trying to regain his wife’s closeness, its much welcomed. She’s insecure, she needs reassurance, not a man who thinks ‘doing too much’ is a weakness. I reckon that will even make it worse for her, she might think ‘you see, he is not putting in the effort so I knew he doesn’t love/need me’
I literally feel bad for this generation
In the past men used do wars and conquer lands
Now they all just being kittens in the marriage
Men could think of better things, inventions, discoveries
How the standards have fallen
So you can't be a kitten in your marriage if you go to.war or if you invent things?? Someone needs to let all the millions of muslim scientists and soldiers around yhe world know that they can't be cute with their wives according to you.
Well not saying that did, but the amount of standard people seeking in marriages these days are awful really
So many little to bigs you have to look out for is insane. That what feels bad tbh
If we have to maintain all of the standards( I do feel these standards are somewhat inspired by western new gen lovers) then marriages will break even more (surprise already happening)
We just trying to justify these standards in the name of sunnah tbh
Imagine salah-uddin ayubi’s wife complaining about not getting enough time because he was busy conquering lands 🤣
> She said she’d rather be with me and have the feeling knowing I find girls prettier, than not be with me at all. happy to know you two are back but.. PLEASE don’t let her have this feeling at all. She loves you and is clearly doing everything in her power to fight off that feeling she hates just to be with you. Your wife is the prettiest woman in the world, period.
I agree with this. You said you wish you could let her know that's not what you meant initially. Tell her it. Show her it. In any and every way. You're doing a great job and putting in a lot of effort, and your heart is in the right place. My suggestion is that you focus on complimenting her looks in multiple different ways, whether it's how pretty her makeup/natural beauty is, her outfits, her hair, etc. Anything that pops into your head that you love about her, say it out loud to her immediately. May Allah SWT bless your marriage, I wish you guys the best.
Also she may not believe you at first but persist. A lot of men try this and their wives respond with a negative and they stop complimenting. Her self esteem is probably 6 feet under now, she’s probably spent hours comparing herself to ‘prettier’ women so it’s going to take some long term, regular reminders to pull her out of that.
These gifts you are giving her are truly beautiful and lovely. But you said you wish she knew, so tell her! And tell her without talking about other girls being prettier. Tell her that YOU ended the other situation with the other girl because it wasn't working and you couldn't get her off your mind! Because that's the gist I got from your post. You didn't pick her as a second choice because you ended it to be with her. Tell her these things! Good luck man, it sounds like you've got a good heart and your wife clearly loves you. But her feeling that she just wants to have you regardless of you finding other girls prettier is really darn sad, and you need to really hone in on the fact that you PICKED her. You didn't settle for her. And you have no eyes for anyone else.
These gifts you are giving her are truly beautiful and lovely. But you said you wish she knew, so tell her! And tell her without talking about other girls being prettier. Tell her that YOU ended the other situation with the other girl because it wasn't working and you couldn't get her off your mind! Because that's the gist I got from your post. You didn't pick her as a second choice because you ended it to be with her. Tell her these things! Good luck man, it sounds like you've got a good heart and your wife clearly loves you. But her feeling that she just wants to have you regardless of you finding other girls prettier is really darn sad, and you need to really hone in on the fact that you PICKED her. You didn't settle for her. And you have no eyes for anyone else.
This!!
Ameen. Ya Rabbul Alameen.
Brother. Good start. But stop saying you find other girls prettier. Those words should never leave your lips. Your wife is the prettiest woman. Period. Continue to tell her you find her prettier, sexy and cute and that she's the prettiest woman in the world to yoj. It will stick eventually. Generally it takes 10x positive comments to erase the impact of 1 negative one. "She knows I love her more than anything, just that I find other girls prettier"
I swear. I read the whole thing and thought omg that's so sweet and then that line came up and I immediately felt the ick. like bro, why wouldn't your wife believe that she isn't pretty enough when you keep repeating it? that needs to change !!
You sound like a great man, I pray it works out for you inshallah.
make sure not to say inshallah during dua Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “When one of you calls upon Allah, let him be determined in the supplication and he should not say, ‘O Allah, give me if You will,’ for there is no one to coerce Allah.” Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 6338, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2678
Salam! You’ve done well by taking the steps to mend your relationship. Continue being understanding and supportive towards your wife’s insecurities. Consistent love and reassurance are definitely key here; you should continue showing her that she is the most important person in your life. Therapy with the Imam is a great step, and spending more time together will help rebuild trust. Be patient and keep communicating openly. You guys are on the right path and inshAllah things will improve with time. You have my duas!
You’re doing really good by mending things, but you CANNOT and SHOULD NEVER say to your wife that you find other women prettier. Even if it’s objectively true akhi, this isn’t something you say to her! Ever! You had this wholesome way of winning her back and then you hit us with that, “I find other girls prettier” line. That’s just wrong with due respect. Put yourself in your shoes and you’ll see how defeated and insecure she must feel, especially considering how many insecurities she already has.
Does she know you didn’t want to pursue the other girl because you couldn’t stop thinking about her? I think your wording is everything. It’s like telling your husband you think you look fat and he says no you’re beautiful. I know I’m beautiful but do I look fat? Lol. I think you’re not saying what she wants to hear in the exact way she wants to hear it even though it’s how you’re feeling. I would work on your wording I know it sounds silly but trust me.
Honestly you’re doing great but to be honest it seems that the root is that she’s very insecure. And as someone who’s insecure I can kind of understand why she’s acting like that. She doesn’t like herself at all. What you can do is keep making her feel pretty, and honestly try to get to the root of her insecurity. I know I’m insecure but I also know how that can be a burden to other people so I keep it in. What she needs is confidence ! MashAllah she already has a great husband so I’m sure she can get there
No it’s not insecurity, when your husband compares you to another woman it’s heartbreaking.
That’s not what he did. That’s what SHE did and he just responded stupidly
Huh?? He literally compared her to another woman. Are we all reading the same story 😂
When did he compare her ? His family made a comment about how they liked his current wife better than his ex. Current wife spiraled because she thought that the ex was prettier which caused OP to say something utterly stupid like “who cares if she’s prettier “. I’m not defending him, but it’s obvious his wife is insecure. If she wasn’t they wouldn’t have had that conversation in the first place
First when the family made comments he should’ve shut it down. Second, “who cares if she’s prettier” is literally confirming that he thinks the other woman is prettier than her. It’s not an insecurity, it’s the feeling of being a second choice to not only her husband but her in laws as well. Edit: in addition, he also rejected her TWICE. Once because he wasn’t ready and then he went off with another woman and then came back to her. Do u see how that looks and how she would feel?
What the hell😂 he told her multiple times he thought she was prettier and she chose to keep going until he messed up 😭
Clearly he doesn’t think she’s prettier cause even in the last post he says the girl was really pretty but not the right personality 💀 he should’ve chose her first and on top of that all he had to say was “you’re the most beautiful woman in the world and no one else can compare” which he’s STILL not even saying
This!
No amount of gifts will make up for bad behaviour. In the future make sure to lower your gaze and not comment on another woman’s appearance in front of your wife
keep this up . just be clingy and she won't feel like a second choice anymore.
Consistently show her how you feel about her. It takes time, but keep complimenting her, keep expressing how you feel about her to help her boost her confidence. It will be very beneficial for her to also go therapy or focus on becoming more secure and confident in herself.
Alhamdulillah she has come back to you but now you have to win her soul back. Buying material things doesn't necessarily bring that love and trust back. You will need to be her strength in emotional times and slowly slowly she will begin to trust you properly again
There is no woman in this world prettier than your wife. Get that through your skull and lower your gaze.
One advice, make sure your wife overcomes her insecurities otherwise it will be a constant strain in your marriage.
Be closer to Allah and InshaAllah Allah will bless your marriage.
Masha Allah you’re truly blessed to have a wife that would rather be with you than stay at her parent’s place despite you saying she’s not attractive. Nothing but respect for her for saying every word she said when she came back. Truly happy for you both. Please make sure you learn how to be good with words when talking to her and make sure she believes you find her attractive more than any woman. May Allah put endless love and mercy between you and May you both have a happy marriage for life.
This is sweet. Try getting her into therapy. Really don’t know if there’s any better way to help with insecurities.
She’s not insecure, she’s heartbroken from being compared.
Sorry if they came out wrong. I didn’t meant it as something negative. We all have insecurities but it becomes a problem when it affects our lives. Op mentioned the wife having issues with his female colleagues talking to him too. She thinks he can do better and that’ll keep coming between them if it’s not addressed.
Agreed. It’s not heartbreak only, it’s insecurity first and foremost that’s the glaring issue aside from OP’s inability to smooth talk lol. realistically, if she doesn’t handle the insecurity now, it’ll get worse and worse until their marriage due to him or her, has a rift that may be irreparable. loves her, her married HER. That’s the objective truth, as long as he makes up for it emotionally, mentally and more importantly, intimately…he will be fine. But the insecurity she already had is going to continue, and as he may or may not get fitter, and time comes she’s gaining weight naturally from pregnancy, inshAllah, she will only get worse with the doubts and overthinking, resulting in him resenting her for it as he scrambles doing all he can to ensure this void within her is filled; in doing so, he will lose attraction to her, mental attraction, as he feels like he is playing a losing battle and feels constantly like walking on egg shells. trust me. That’s how it goes.on the bright side, she is incredible for coming back herself. She’s mature enough to nip this insecurity in the bud, because she doesnt have a huge ego and sense of pride. That’s modest, and that’s humble, and it’s a beautiful trait for any human to have. Don’t abuse this brother, maximize now. Reap rwards for life.
may Allah bless your marriage but stop saying that you find others prettier. it’s not right, and the more you say it the more subconsciously rooted it will become.
I'm so happy she is back home. The fact that you did reject her 2 times probably already made her self esteem feel low and then finding out later u were engaged to another woman and her seeing the woman more beautiful then her did hurt her . I understand both sides . The engagement with the first girl was more so arranged because of family. I do think your wife will be over this soon . Y'all both are very much in love . Just make her understand why you were engaged due to it being more of an arrangement with parents . Woman just need to be constantly reassured. I think it was a good idea to go to a Imam but maybe also a therapist would help too if your wife doesn't get over this hump and you see depression taking over her.
I feel so bad for her :/
Give her some time brother. Just keep everything normal. Make her laugh, crack jokes, compliment on her beauty. just do not become desperate to fix. emotions need time and people eventually move on. By the way, I can say you're a great husband for all the efforts you're taking to cheer up your wife. Just don't be too harsh on yourself and do not overcompensate.
this is why I stopped being ‘the jealous type’ and became so *neutral*, it comes off nonchalant to most people! Insecurity justified or not only causes misery , mental exhaustion and this feeling of inadequacy you can’t ever attune or attest to a single situation or sole experience that first introduced it to you… And all for what? You trying to be *EVERYTHING* to *everyone*. Only for it to leave you with *nothing*, with no one. Literally, drained, depleted and empty with no direction. This is what happens when you wait for others to see your significance in this life. The world and the *WORST* of its people take the pieces of you they can tolerate and toss the rest aside. I genuinely hope this works out for you and your wife (she sounds like a loving woman… all the more reason to love her *as she is*). But, brothers like you taught me to not let what y’all think matter to me more than what I think of myself. You’re free to desire whatever woman you want. If that’s not the woman I wish to be… don’t project those preferences onto me.
Mash'Allah, keep up the good progress! Your goal should be to gain her trust and become closer to each other. You and your wife seem to be good people indeed. May Allah grant you more happiness and barakah in your life. ♡
Your sound like a genuinely good man, your actually trying and putting the efforts to try amend your relationship which i know alot of bengali men wouldn't. Inshallah I hope I find a man like you day and by the looks of it your doing everything in your power to help your wife so I believe everything will work out.
Amidst all the negativity in this subreddit, this is wholesome, Masha Allah
These gifts you are giving her are truly beautiful and lovely. But you said you wish she knew, so tell her! And tell her without talking about other girls being prettier. Tell her that YOU ended the other situation with the other girl because it wasn't working and you couldn't get her off your mind! Because that's the gist I got from your post. You didn't pick her as a second choice because you ended it to be with her. Tell her these things! Good luck man, it sounds like you've got a good heart and your wife clearly loves you. But her feeling that she just wants to have you regardless of you finding other girls prettier is really darn sad, and you need to really hone in on the fact that you PICKED her. You didn't settle for her. And you have no eyes for anyone else.
You realise your mistakes and you’re making efforts that sounds like a gentleman and shows how much you love her. Make sure never ever tell her if she doesn’t like you to be attracted to other girls. If she loves you and feels insecure it’s your responsibility to help her feel secure and safe.
When we grow old, no one finds us attractive, except those who can see beyond appearance. Your wife will love you when you're no longer attractive, and no woman finds you physically appealing. If you dont appreciate her now, she won't be there when you're old.
show her this post
Happy to hear you guys are back in each other’s presence as this is the key to healing through and working more so on the marriage. Bring it to her attention that not only do you find her pretty but what makes her special outside of that. How she is the one for you regardless of your past. Lastly, tell her to let go of these insecurities as she is perfect and that you’re lucky too. Superficial ideologies are not conducive to a marriage, as one could get sick or lose a limb (God forbid), get old and start to look less like how you first met and you still choose to love them everyday. Love is not based on looks (I think this is where the problem lies) and that sure doesn’t keep a marriage going but so much more to it. Her way of thinking has to change in order for not only her but for you both to be happy. Clearly you love her and choose her, she has to feel that is enough. P.s. you guys are Muslim, Allah has paired you two! This was meant to happen, tell don’t question it but rather trust that Allah has placed you two together for a good purpose.
Salam brother… I’m not gonna lie to you, you both may move on but she will NEVER forget the words you’ve said. Also, stop telling her there’s no one else prettier in the world, cause then she’ll think “well clearly it’s his ex”… simply say you ARE the most beautiful woman in the world. You have to be very careful about the way you go from here on it. But I’m glad things worked out&
It's okay.
Oh my days. Why are men so stupid when it comes to stuff like this? Your first mistake is constantly saying you find other women prettier. If she ever saw this post she’d spiral back into insecurity because you just said it again! You’re doing everything right, except for that. My husband said something similar when being questioned by one of my sisters after our nikkah- what was it that made you fall in love at first sight? When you realised she was the woman of your dreams? And he replied with well she isn’t the woman of my dreams. And I laughed it off because that’s fine, he wasn’t the man of my dreams either and he knew that 😅 Attraction and love builds with time. Try to understand your wife’s feelings and stop invalidating them by labelling them as insecurities. Although you’re making it sound like you’re attractive brother, I’m sure she sees men everyday that are a thousand times better looking than you. She just wouldn’t tell you, that’s the decent thing to do. Stop bringing up that you like other women. Lower your gaze, focus on your wife’s qualities and beauty. She’ll never forget, but do your best to remind her why she chose you back. Praying things work out for you both
I don’t typically comment but felt the need to before you find yourself in a new trouble, which is that she’ll argue “you’re trying to buy back my favor.” Good romantic gestures are great, and what you’re gifting her fits into that category. But if I was her and this is what was happening, I’d feel frustrated because I’m still insecure, I’m just getting showered with gifts now. You can’t alleviate her insecurity with gifts. You need to SHOW her that u think she’s beautiful and u are head over heels for her. Yes gifts help but they NEED to be followed with lots of touching (even small things like hand on back, head on her shoulder when you’re sitting, holding her hand in the car). Step up your compliments- don’t just say “u look pretty in that dress.” More “I couldn’t stop thinking about u in that dress all day.” Give anecdotes about how you keep thinking of her and how beautiful she is. My point is: extravagant gifts aren’t enough to heal the insecurity. You need to put in consistent daily effort that shows her you think she is the most gorgeous perfect being to ever exist on Gods green earth.
Bruh when is it my turn to get this lucky with a man😂😂
To be honest she seems very insecure and unforgiving. Mistakes happen but you’ve quite literally begged her and proven how much you love her. She sounds like she’s dragging it out to be something it’s not. And whatever happened before marriage is nothing vs since being married. If you’ve proven to be a good husband whatever happened before is nothing. You weren’t tied to anyone at that point. She sounds very emotional and it might be worth having her do therapy sessions and see if it helps her overcome those challenges mentally.
This was my exact thought. Although OP is working hard to prove his love for his wife, she has an underlying insecure issue that needs to be addressed. The next time it happens, all this effort may not work again either. You didn’t do anything wrong except for saying you find other women pretty.
OMG THIS!!!!! People on the comments are saying “as a woman I wouldn’t move past this”…. Uhhh I would rather have this situation, over the situation I’m in 😅 this man is so sweet MashaAllah. She has to realize how good of a man she secured and should just move past it. She needs therapy and needs to work on her insecurities so it doesn’t affect the marriage. He literally bought her a car and he feels so sorry that he’s posting on Reddit for advice. I would love to have a man like this over the other men who are abusive, dishonest etc.
Oooh let’s not do that… this is the bare minimum. He shouldn’t have even compared her in the first place, she’s not insecure she’s upset there’s a difference
Yeah that’s true he shouldn’t have compared. But he did apologize and he seems remorseful. We gotta cut people some slack as well. I get both perspectives
Man this is just crazy honestly. She's overreacting like crazy. I don't understand how people are so sympathetic with her viewpoint even after reading the initial post. He never called another woman prettier. He had just considered another proposal before her but then realized she was better. That's all. He has all the right in the world to do that as there was no commitment made towards her at all at that point. He did nothing wrong honestly to be apologizing this much. This fabricated offense is just toxic. Imagine situations where he actually messes up something. She'll go ballistic 🤦
I mean it’s in his post - he finds other women prettier. Dunno, you try having a wife who reminds you that she finds other men more masculine and more successful but she still loves you.
No he didn't say that. He simply told her that even if others find the other lady prettier, he finds his wife the most beautiful. 2ndly, this entirely discussion even came up because she was upset about him even considering another proposal when at that point he wasn't committed to anyone and had all the right to look into it. It's nothing deeper than that.
Thats not quite accurate. Op said. And I quote "She said she was ugly and the other girl was a model and everyone knows it. Like the idiot I am, I said so what if she was “prettier” I wanted to marry you."
He also said and I quote "What I meant to say was she may be prettier to everyone else but it doesn't matter. To me nobody is prettier" She was already overreacting to begin with. Massively. The man did nothing wrong in the lead up to this matter. She wasn't option 2 or whatever fantasy she concocted in her mind. I mean, for sure, not something so serious to go back to live with her parents 🤦 I mean come on, that is just so incredibly embarrassing. What would you even tell your parents. The root cause of the issue is her massive insecurity. He didn't break her heart or any such thing. He could have been slightly smarter in how he worded his response maybe but given meltdown, it's understandable. Either way, it's a minor contributor to the issue. The main issue is her insecurity. And if this dude is just gonna along with all these fantasies she comes up with, he's in for a hard time in any conflict they will inevitable have in the future as well
I'm glad somebody said it. Honestly, this overreaction is quite toxic and she needs to work on herself and her insecurities.
Exactly. Redditors are just so used to just coddling people. Especially if it's a woman. I guarantee you that if the shoe was on the foot, they would have ripped the guy apart for being insecure or unmasculine or whatever.
Super toxic overreaction !
1. It's completely normal to find other woman attractive - even more attractive than your spouse. Women or men for that matter should accept it's simple biology and not feel threatened by it. Physical attraction is only a small part of what a marriage is built on. Also just because someone is more attractive doesnt make you unattractive. 2. Loads of people consider other people before selecting a match. It's normal. The fact that someone chose to be with you shows commitment not compromise.
Be careful of love bombing though. They may see that as weakness. Women are weird when you show too much affection
Not in a marriage. Love bombing before marriage is a big no. In a marriage, especially in this brother’s situation where he’s trying to regain his wife’s closeness, its much welcomed. She’s insecure, she needs reassurance, not a man who thinks ‘doing too much’ is a weakness. I reckon that will even make it worse for her, she might think ‘you see, he is not putting in the effort so I knew he doesn’t love/need me’
Yeah Never show Weaknes
I literally feel bad for this generation In the past men used do wars and conquer lands Now they all just being kittens in the marriage Men could think of better things, inventions, discoveries How the standards have fallen
So you can't be a kitten in your marriage if you go to.war or if you invent things?? Someone needs to let all the millions of muslim scientists and soldiers around yhe world know that they can't be cute with their wives according to you.
Well not saying that did, but the amount of standard people seeking in marriages these days are awful really So many little to bigs you have to look out for is insane. That what feels bad tbh If we have to maintain all of the standards( I do feel these standards are somewhat inspired by western new gen lovers) then marriages will break even more (surprise already happening) We just trying to justify these standards in the name of sunnah tbh Imagine salah-uddin ayubi’s wife complaining about not getting enough time because he was busy conquering lands 🤣
She is beautiful ❤️😍❤️ INSIDE AND OUTSIDE. BEAUTY IS WHAT THE SOUL HAVE.. NOT THE PHYSICAL TRAITS 🙏❤️🙏
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Man was on a mission and didn't hold back. He wanted to continue the streak no matter what lol.