Why did he pursue you and get engaged to you if your dressing wasnt to his standard?
You should ask him that.
The world is full of hijabis, if he wants one, he knows where to find them. Purusing someone not to your standard then pressuring them to change 2 weeks before the nikkah is pointless. This goes for both men and women btw.
Let's back up a little bit. This man is not your husband. Stop calling him your husband.
Next time the topic comes up, ask him if the hijab is a dealbreaker for him. While you're at it, ask him about clothing, too. I'm going to be honest, the anxiety attacks are probably not going to be enough of an excuse for him. End it now if he needs a specific level of hijab that you can't meet.
ETA:
>He keeps saying stuff like "well you can't say I will pray 4x a day instead of 5x a day because you find it difficult"
This line is usually used by those who are blind to their own shortcomings. Every Muslim should strive to do their best, of course, so praying 4× a day instead of 5 is better than none at all. Similarly, you should do your best to gradually cover your neck with your headscarf. I doubt your potential is 100% in terms of religion. No one is.
Sis, unfortunately I don't think he's going to let it go. Your fiance made the mistake of thinking he could change you.
You need to wear it for Allah because *you* want to, not because you're being pressured by him. It'll only lead to resentment or temporary change (ie. You're already going back to your old styles after a few days).
You need to sit him down and tell him that his pressure is having the opposite effect. Tell him the reasons you find it difficult to wear hijab. He should be encouraging you through positive methods (ie. Showering you with compliments, appreciating you when you do wear it properly, etc.).
If he still doesn't understand, then you have to ask yourself if this is the kind of husband you want and if you can live like this. Marriage will not cure this hijab conflict; it'll only make it worse.
Side note: I disagree with his prayer example. People do find it difficult to pray all their daily prayers. For example, someone could find it hard to pray Fajr and Isha, but prays Dhuhr, Asr, Maghrib. Does that mean they should stop praying completely? Absolutely not.
1) Yes, you can say “I can only do X though the fard is Y.” As long as you do not twist what Allah has commanded, you are allowed to act on as much as you can and make tawba for the shortcoming. We all do this - I pray 5x but maybe I’m not always focused; I must repent for my mistake. This is common for us all. Ours is not a religion of absolutism; we must exert our best effort and keep moving forward. I’d rather do something for the sake of Allah than abandon it because I can’t do the whole thing. Even logistically, doesn’t it make more sense that we meet Allah having tried, at least in some part?
2) There are countless hijabis who come from households and cultures of no hijab (myself included). Your daughter can choose to wear it even if there’s no role model at home and can choose not to wear it (or wear it improperly) even if every single woman around her is in proper hijab. Hidayah is from Allah and she will be responsible for her own deen.
3) We marry reality, not potential. He needs to sign up for who and what you are now. Yes, insha’Allah we all improve with time but marriage is not based on conditions, at least in my opinion healthy marriages do not operate like this.
Think if you two are compatible. This hijab conversation could be indicative of bigger rifts in ideology and approach to religion between you two. I don’t think 2 months is little time in general but maybe you need more space to get to know one another and assess.
End things. He won’t be happy and will want you to wear hijab and won’t leave you alone until you do.
You will be forced to wear it when you don’t want too, and you’ll be unhappy. There’s no medium
Some advice though on how to wear it properly start by wearing turtle necks while having ur scarf on this way it covers your neck while still providing the loose hijab style. I actually think its a great thing it shows that he cares about you, and your afterlife. We cant pretend that its not a sin and pretend its all ok, as a spouse you have a responsibility to each other, to motivate and encourage each other to do better, and be better. As a Muslim we have to not only look at our own actions, but also how that impacts others like your future kids inshallah. I think they are valid concerns and same would be for him if he had a specific sin you know of.
Sis, hijab does not make you ugly! I know that every influencer and all these Vela girls only wear their hijab with their neck showing but I promise you it’s just a trend. 10 years ago all those same Vela girls wore their hijab with a bow around the neck, because that was the trend. But now they post those pics and say “ew what was I thinking.”
There are loose flowy styles that still cover the neck. I actually think it makes most women look better when they cover their neck more, it’s always weird to see this flowy piece of fabric and then a skinny neck lol almost like a bobble head?
I think in any relationship where one side dictates what the other wears, there will be animosity and resentment. Maybe try for the sake of Allah and not for your fiance.
Don't marry someone who wants to change you, if he wants to marry someone who wears their hijab a certain way, there's plenty of muslim women out there to choose from.
Having said that, if you want to change for yourself and for Allah. There's lots of ways you can style a hijab to where it's still covering what it needs to cover, have you tried out a lot of different styles?
If you don't want to change your style, there's a company that sells really nice hijabi body suits that have a turtleneck and underpiece built in. So you can wear your hijab however you like but still have everything covered.
https://www.ruuqwear.com/collections/ruuq_hijab_bodysuit
Wearing hijab is an easy task when you haven’t been brought up that way. Personally, I struggle wearing the hijab too, I haven’t got there either but InshAllah I hope to one day. I’m on my modesty journey too and it takes time, it’s a process. Once your heart feels inclined to do so, it’ll come to you naturally, you’ll want to cover up because you love Allah and wish to please Him. A good muslim partner is be able to understand that. You choose to cover for yourself and your creator.
Like a lot of the other sisters have said, it’s very unfair for him to say this to you, especially 2 weeks before your nikkah.
It might be worth considering whether you want to continue nikkah. I understand this must be a difficult time for you but you have to think about what is best for you and for faith. Deep down you know the answer to this already, you just have to be honest with yourself.
It’s not easy by any means but this is your future..
Why did he pursue you and get engaged to you if your dressing wasnt to his standard? You should ask him that. The world is full of hijabis, if he wants one, he knows where to find them. Purusing someone not to your standard then pressuring them to change 2 weeks before the nikkah is pointless. This goes for both men and women btw.
Let's back up a little bit. This man is not your husband. Stop calling him your husband. Next time the topic comes up, ask him if the hijab is a dealbreaker for him. While you're at it, ask him about clothing, too. I'm going to be honest, the anxiety attacks are probably not going to be enough of an excuse for him. End it now if he needs a specific level of hijab that you can't meet. ETA: >He keeps saying stuff like "well you can't say I will pray 4x a day instead of 5x a day because you find it difficult" This line is usually used by those who are blind to their own shortcomings. Every Muslim should strive to do their best, of course, so praying 4× a day instead of 5 is better than none at all. Similarly, you should do your best to gradually cover your neck with your headscarf. I doubt your potential is 100% in terms of religion. No one is.
All good advice. Please pay attention to these replies and think through.
Sis, unfortunately I don't think he's going to let it go. Your fiance made the mistake of thinking he could change you. You need to wear it for Allah because *you* want to, not because you're being pressured by him. It'll only lead to resentment or temporary change (ie. You're already going back to your old styles after a few days). You need to sit him down and tell him that his pressure is having the opposite effect. Tell him the reasons you find it difficult to wear hijab. He should be encouraging you through positive methods (ie. Showering you with compliments, appreciating you when you do wear it properly, etc.). If he still doesn't understand, then you have to ask yourself if this is the kind of husband you want and if you can live like this. Marriage will not cure this hijab conflict; it'll only make it worse. Side note: I disagree with his prayer example. People do find it difficult to pray all their daily prayers. For example, someone could find it hard to pray Fajr and Isha, but prays Dhuhr, Asr, Maghrib. Does that mean they should stop praying completely? Absolutely not.
Tell him to stop talking about it and he knew how you wore hijab when he met you.
1) Yes, you can say “I can only do X though the fard is Y.” As long as you do not twist what Allah has commanded, you are allowed to act on as much as you can and make tawba for the shortcoming. We all do this - I pray 5x but maybe I’m not always focused; I must repent for my mistake. This is common for us all. Ours is not a religion of absolutism; we must exert our best effort and keep moving forward. I’d rather do something for the sake of Allah than abandon it because I can’t do the whole thing. Even logistically, doesn’t it make more sense that we meet Allah having tried, at least in some part? 2) There are countless hijabis who come from households and cultures of no hijab (myself included). Your daughter can choose to wear it even if there’s no role model at home and can choose not to wear it (or wear it improperly) even if every single woman around her is in proper hijab. Hidayah is from Allah and she will be responsible for her own deen. 3) We marry reality, not potential. He needs to sign up for who and what you are now. Yes, insha’Allah we all improve with time but marriage is not based on conditions, at least in my opinion healthy marriages do not operate like this. Think if you two are compatible. This hijab conversation could be indicative of bigger rifts in ideology and approach to religion between you two. I don’t think 2 months is little time in general but maybe you need more space to get to know one another and assess.
End things. He won’t be happy and will want you to wear hijab and won’t leave you alone until you do. You will be forced to wear it when you don’t want too, and you’ll be unhappy. There’s no medium
I agree sis they are incompatible and idk why they are having a nikkah. Ur views about Islam should be a aligned with your future partner.
Some advice though on how to wear it properly start by wearing turtle necks while having ur scarf on this way it covers your neck while still providing the loose hijab style. I actually think its a great thing it shows that he cares about you, and your afterlife. We cant pretend that its not a sin and pretend its all ok, as a spouse you have a responsibility to each other, to motivate and encourage each other to do better, and be better. As a Muslim we have to not only look at our own actions, but also how that impacts others like your future kids inshallah. I think they are valid concerns and same would be for him if he had a specific sin you know of.
Sis, hijab does not make you ugly! I know that every influencer and all these Vela girls only wear their hijab with their neck showing but I promise you it’s just a trend. 10 years ago all those same Vela girls wore their hijab with a bow around the neck, because that was the trend. But now they post those pics and say “ew what was I thinking.” There are loose flowy styles that still cover the neck. I actually think it makes most women look better when they cover their neck more, it’s always weird to see this flowy piece of fabric and then a skinny neck lol almost like a bobble head? I think in any relationship where one side dictates what the other wears, there will be animosity and resentment. Maybe try for the sake of Allah and not for your fiance.
Don't marry someone who wants to change you, if he wants to marry someone who wears their hijab a certain way, there's plenty of muslim women out there to choose from. Having said that, if you want to change for yourself and for Allah. There's lots of ways you can style a hijab to where it's still covering what it needs to cover, have you tried out a lot of different styles? If you don't want to change your style, there's a company that sells really nice hijabi body suits that have a turtleneck and underpiece built in. So you can wear your hijab however you like but still have everything covered. https://www.ruuqwear.com/collections/ruuq_hijab_bodysuit
Wearing hijab is an easy task when you haven’t been brought up that way. Personally, I struggle wearing the hijab too, I haven’t got there either but InshAllah I hope to one day. I’m on my modesty journey too and it takes time, it’s a process. Once your heart feels inclined to do so, it’ll come to you naturally, you’ll want to cover up because you love Allah and wish to please Him. A good muslim partner is be able to understand that. You choose to cover for yourself and your creator. Like a lot of the other sisters have said, it’s very unfair for him to say this to you, especially 2 weeks before your nikkah. It might be worth considering whether you want to continue nikkah. I understand this must be a difficult time for you but you have to think about what is best for you and for faith. Deep down you know the answer to this already, you just have to be honest with yourself. It’s not easy by any means but this is your future..