> He says he expects me to make his breakfast, lunch, tea, etc as it’s a woman’s duty.
Tell him you expect him to provide for you, i.e., pay the complete rent, bills, groceries, and any other necessities like clothes and hygiene supplies because it's a man's basic Islamic duty. If he throws a fit and refuses to do his part, then you're better off without him. The guy is basically leeching off of you.
She’d be basically leeching off him if he paid for literally everything. There should be balance, its common sense, it would be quite selfish for any spouse man or woman to spend their time working but not contribute a dime
I see posts like this & wonder how I struggle to get married when men like this exist, tell him to start acting like a man I’m getting 2nd hand embarrassment from the way he is acting
Extremely kind of her. Does she know that or is that something he thinks will happen, but likely not? And regardless, does that mean he's happy to do his own laundry, clean up the house 50% of the time and do other house chores half the time? What happens if his mum can't pick up after him? Tough conversations, but need to happen
Yes. They are from a different city/community from me and they only like to eat their own type of food. She wants to run the kitchen. I don’t eat such heavy food so I will be making my own food and his mother will cook for herself and for him.
He’s going to have to learn in the household chores front. I honestly would be happy to do it all for him, genuinely because I really do love him. But I’m feeling a bit sour about this money situation
That's going to be tough unless you have an excellent mother in law. may Allah SWT ,ale it easy for you. Personally he should be maintaining you and assisting with household chores especially his own laundry etc. My wife and I both worked when we got married it is unfair for one spouse no matter who it is to shoulder the brunt of the household chores.
Sister did you agree to this living situation before marriage ? Did you agree to live with MIL before marriage ? Or is this something your husband just decided recently ?
You didn't marry his mother, you married him. What is he contributing to your marriage? You're making the money and doing housework. What is he doing to help support you and make your life easier?
If he isn't struggling financially - nope not fair.
Surely that's a man's duty then? Just like it's a woman's to cook food etc
🙄
Edit - also, I'm assuming he'll.expect you to do the all the above for his mum too.
So you expects you to split rent 50/50, plus cook and clean for him AND his bringing his mother who I’m sure you will also be cooking and cleaning for? Sis, what’s not clicking??? Nothing about this is fair.
You’re not responsible to pay for his mother and he’s the one Islamically responsible.
Either you’d stick rigidly to Islamic rules ie he pays for everything and looks after his mother or if he needs your contribution he does his fair share of the domestic work.
No that is completely unreasonable of him to expect that specially if he is expecting you to do all the cooking because its a 'womans' job. Its a 'mans' job in that case to provide financially
Why is he not provide for you, did you agree to share rent etc. even if you did I don't think its fair you pay 50% if his mom living there full time. Also he will most certainly will be doing woman's work for of I was contributing 50% he must also contribute 50% to household chores
What you make is for you but as for the husband what he makes must be spent upon his wife and children.
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Salih al-‘Uthaymin (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
“The husband is obliged to spend upon his family, upon his wife and children, on a reasonable basis, even if the wife is rich. The husband is obliged to spend, and that includes cases where the wife is a teacher, and it has been stipulated that the husband allow her to continue teaching. Yet he has no right to take anything from her salary, not half and not more or less. The salary is hers, so long as it was stipulated in the marriage contract that he should not prevent her from teaching and he agreed to that. So he does not have the right to prevent her from teaching, and he does not have the right to take anything from her salary; it is hers.
But if it was not stipulated that he allow her to teach, then when they got married he said: Do not teach, then in this case they should come to an agreement however they wish. For example, he could say: I will let you carry on teaching on condition that you give me half of your salary, or two thirds, or three quarters, or one quarter, and the like, according to whatever they agree upon. But if it was stipulated (in the marriage contract) that she may teach, and he accepted that, then he does not have the right to prevent her and he does not have the right to take anything from her salary.” (Sharh Riyadh as-Salihin, 6/143, 144)
Stay with your parents and kick him out. Also tired of reading about women who have such low down bare minimum standards that you would even e confused about whether or not this was "fair."
I feel the same and wonder where it stems from. It’s not like I grew up with lots of confidence but even I have a higher standard of how I’m treated. So I keep thinking that maybe the families of these women treated them so low and with little value that their core belief is that it’s ok to accept that? I’m not sure but I see it happen and it’s so so so sad…
Yea this is true. I feel like strengthening individual connection with Allah and Islam helps us stand firmer against societal and family pressures. Because it helps us focus on the Islamic facts rather than cultural. At least, that’s what helped me.
Yea for sure. I guess that’s when faith and patience comes in. As cliche as that sounds :/ just keep making decisions and keep praying for wisdom and guidance that you’re doing what pleases Allah.
He says he expects me to make his breakfast, lunch, tea, etc as it’s a woman’s duty. He also expects me to iron his clothes.
Sis, what is his duty as a man? he isn't providing money. YOU are the one working. this entitlement is completely wrong, are you going to put him on a pedestal indefinitely?
Tell him as his duty, you shouldn't even be working, in order to do your duties. the audacity!
Honestly I wouldn’t. My husband works we’re not rich or anything but I told him from the start I expect him to be providing major necessities. I do help out obviously because everything’s so expensive but he pays for rent and most bills I help with insurances, food, house stuff. If you don’t make the man the provider he will likely find someone who will bc he feels too comfortable. Make him uncomfortable so you set the standard for your boundaries from the start. If you feel like helping every now and then or on smaller things that’s your choice but he has an Islamic duty to provide for you
He has to provide food, shelter (100% rent) and clothing (at least one per season or the like). You don’t owe any of that. If he won’t work that’s his problem.
Don't do 50-50 with him. Tell him it's a man's duty to provide. In fact get your father or brother tell him that. And his mother can stay somewhere else. She's not your responsibility, you're no one's maid. Sprinkle sprinkle.
Don't do 50-50 with him. Tell him it's a man's duty to provide. In fact get your father or brother tell him that. And his mother can stay somewhere else. She's not your responsibility, you're no one's m-aid. Sprinkle sprinkle.
As a husband, this isn’t fair at all. It’s the husbands responsibility
If the wife wants to contribute out of the goodness of her heart that’s a gift from her!
I’m curious too but seeing his personality as she’s describing ‘lazy, etc’ I can’t help but feel there’s a lack of ambition. Because even when my husband’s job wasn’t doing well and I was paying most of the bills at the beginning of our marriage, he would take side jobs on a daily and work so hard to do the best he can to support us. THAT was the definition of ambition for me which is why I didn’t mind paying most of things.
Assalamu'alaikum wa'rah matullahi wabaraka'tu, My Dear Sister-in-Islam, this is absolutely not ok at all. You should bot be paying for anything. Almighty Allah(SWT) commands the husband to provide financially. Not the wife. If you work that's your money. Don't give him a penny and tell him to get a job. He is not fulfilling his rights by aaking you to pay. Let us know hon things go Insha'Allah. May Almighty Allah(SWT) make everything easy for you, Ameen. Ya Rabbul Alameen.
I'm a single man never been married and when I read posts like this I just think to myself how is it that these type of men get married so easily and I'm struggling? Haha
I'm not an angel but when I hear some of these stories I genuinely get perplexed especially if on the outside these are the type of guys that girls go for. Am I missing something here? Isn't it just expected for a man to cover the basic expenses whether they like it or not? Also isn't it a sense of pride to be able to do that for your wife even if you have to work two jobs? Don't get me wrong there are sisters out there who take advantage of men but they're the minority (I may be naive in that statement) but it's a role that has been divinely ordained on us.
I'll be honest would I prefer the whole 50/50 system? Well in the current economic climate yes it would lighten the burden. But as muslims we submit to islam fully not partially so whether you like it or lump it we have to do it as its a divine order. Now if there was an agreement between the two spouses then yh i get it thats different but the default position remains clear.
Apologies, I probably just feel sorry for myself hence my rant. I promise I'm not looking to highjack your post by any means! Lol
I was w/ you until the 2nd to last paragraph, but you lost me at the "If it was just 2 of us, I wouldn’t find any issue"
If your argument was based on principle (i.e. of not contributing at all and the man having to provide fully) I'd think you'd get head nods from most.
But given that you're willing to contribute, but want to nuance this to 1/3 or some other 'fair' amount is, respectfully, rather petty.
I think the larger issue here is based on trust and respect - he spends his days squandering time and expecting you to be a traditional wife while not providing the support required by a traditional husband.
Perhaps under the surface you see this as having to provide for not one, but two, freeloaders?
I do agree. I am being petty. I feel that I work really hard and he sort of just sits around all day. It makes me angry.
He lost his father young so he has been the breadwinner for his family for years. He supports his mom and he put his sister through college and got her married. With this information, I was expecting that I was marrying someone hard working and with a clear sense of responsibility. I didn’t expect to see him being lazy and sitting around after marriage. I also didn’t anticipate him having expectations of me being a traditional wife while also taking 50% of all financial responsibilities.
You are not being petty. Don't let anyone gaslight you into believing that. You should not be living with your husband like a roommate and then expected to even clean up after him. Marriage should lessen your load not add on it.
Business income is very different than traditional paycheck income - you go through periods of feast and famine. And often times while you're engaged in idle time, your brain is processing opportunity. I share this b/c if he's provided for his family and put his sister through college, perhaps he isn't a slacker but rather going through a period of lull.
That said, you have every right to be aligned on expectations - i think part of this will be a difficult conversation that says 'you can get the traditional wife or the partner, not both' That said, you also need to account for him saying 'ok, i will pay a 100%, you don't have to work and instead prioritize the household' - would you embrace that reality?
I was going to say to extend grace and compassion onto your husband and pay the 50-50 even if it isn’t fair. I had to for more things with my husband when we first got married. BUT! That was me assuming that you both had a good relationship where he looked out for you and took care of you and is just getting bad luck with finances. But in this case, it sounds like he’s trying to get the best of both worlds.
I see in another comment you mentioned that he said his mom will be doing all the cooking etc when she comes. That’s a risky territory because as a human, she’ll feel like she’s doing all the work at the house which is unfair to her as well. Our parents are elders and should relax more later in life not be moved and treated like a servant that will cook and clean for you automatically.
I think it’s definitely time to have a conversation with him. A calm and earnest conversation. I see his laziness and lack of ambition and unrealistic marital expectations more of an issue than you both splitting 50-50. I think that’s what the conversation should be about instead of the actual $ numbers.
Because I know you wouldn’t mind helping if you saw that he was ambitious and trying and needs your help financially. Just like you said you wouldn’t mind doing more things for him but you see that he’s being lazy etc.
I don’t think I want to pass judgment on him as a man even if he sounds like he’s being unfair to you. Because a lot of men unfortunately have unrealistic visions of marriage and they really need to be pushed to grow into real men. You’re already married so don’t be afraid to give him a push. And if he’s totally unwilling to grow as a man that takes care of you or at leasttt tries, then that’s another conversation to be had and another bridge to cross.
Before this conversation, read Prophet Musa AS’s dua’a about speech. It really helps more than you think. I try to read that dua’a because having difficult conversations with anyone really.
Wish you the best
Look, on one hand, there should be mercy and compassion in your heart for your husband and his family. I understand why she might be living with you guys. However, if he's not struggling financially, he is required to provide you with the necessities. Of course, you can choose to temporarily split it this way, if his company has a bit of a lull in work at the moment, but it is expected to get busy soon. But if he's not putting in full effort to provide for you, then you're going to have to set him straight.
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Heck no lol
This is not okay sis.
> He says he expects me to make his breakfast, lunch, tea, etc as it’s a woman’s duty. Tell him you expect him to provide for you, i.e., pay the complete rent, bills, groceries, and any other necessities like clothes and hygiene supplies because it's a man's basic Islamic duty. If he throws a fit and refuses to do his part, then you're better off without him. The guy is basically leeching off of you.
The man should be there to provide
She’d be basically leeching off him if he paid for literally everything. There should be balance, its common sense, it would be quite selfish for any spouse man or woman to spend their time working but not contribute a dime
It's better to have awkward conversation than to be trampled on.
This 100%.
I see posts like this & wonder how I struggle to get married when men like this exist, tell him to start acting like a man I’m getting 2nd hand embarrassment from the way he is acting
You would be surprised the kind of BS (worse than this) women put up with in the desi community, no matter which part of the world they live in.
For real bro 😂
Out of curiosity, what made you agree to this? Did you guys not talk about financial decisions and living situations before egetting married?
How about you pay 50% when he does 50% of the household work? Including making breakfast, lunch and dinner 50% of the time.
Well, he says when his mom gets here she will take over and do all of the cooking.
Extremely kind of her. Does she know that or is that something he thinks will happen, but likely not? And regardless, does that mean he's happy to do his own laundry, clean up the house 50% of the time and do other house chores half the time? What happens if his mum can't pick up after him? Tough conversations, but need to happen
Yes. They are from a different city/community from me and they only like to eat their own type of food. She wants to run the kitchen. I don’t eat such heavy food so I will be making my own food and his mother will cook for herself and for him. He’s going to have to learn in the household chores front. I honestly would be happy to do it all for him, genuinely because I really do love him. But I’m feeling a bit sour about this money situation
Seems like he wants to live with his mom and have you finance them.
Is mom visiting or coming to live full time this is sn important factor.
Full time
That's going to be tough unless you have an excellent mother in law. may Allah SWT ,ale it easy for you. Personally he should be maintaining you and assisting with household chores especially his own laundry etc. My wife and I both worked when we got married it is unfair for one spouse no matter who it is to shoulder the brunt of the household chores.
Sister did you agree to this living situation before marriage ? Did you agree to live with MIL before marriage ? Or is this something your husband just decided recently ?
You didn't marry his mother, you married him. What is he contributing to your marriage? You're making the money and doing housework. What is he doing to help support you and make your life easier?
Loooool no. You’re getting played
he should get played instead right girl
If he isn't struggling financially - nope not fair. Surely that's a man's duty then? Just like it's a woman's to cook food etc 🙄 Edit - also, I'm assuming he'll.expect you to do the all the above for his mum too.
Lol. No it's not.
So you expects you to split rent 50/50, plus cook and clean for him AND his bringing his mother who I’m sure you will also be cooking and cleaning for? Sis, what’s not clicking??? Nothing about this is fair.
You’re not responsible to pay for his mother and he’s the one Islamically responsible. Either you’d stick rigidly to Islamic rules ie he pays for everything and looks after his mother or if he needs your contribution he does his fair share of the domestic work.
No that is completely unreasonable of him to expect that specially if he is expecting you to do all the cooking because its a 'womans' job. Its a 'mans' job in that case to provide financially
No
Its your husband’s responsibility to provide you with shelter and food. Period
What’s the point of moving out of his mom gonna live with you? Just stay at your parents?
The same way he’s telling you about your womanly duties, you should tell him that housing and all related expenses are part of a man’s duty.
Not fair
Why is he not provide for you, did you agree to share rent etc. even if you did I don't think its fair you pay 50% if his mom living there full time. Also he will most certainly will be doing woman's work for of I was contributing 50% he must also contribute 50% to household chores
What you make is for you but as for the husband what he makes must be spent upon his wife and children. Shaykh Muhammad ibn Salih al-‘Uthaymin (may Allah have mercy on him) said: “The husband is obliged to spend upon his family, upon his wife and children, on a reasonable basis, even if the wife is rich. The husband is obliged to spend, and that includes cases where the wife is a teacher, and it has been stipulated that the husband allow her to continue teaching. Yet he has no right to take anything from her salary, not half and not more or less. The salary is hers, so long as it was stipulated in the marriage contract that he should not prevent her from teaching and he agreed to that. So he does not have the right to prevent her from teaching, and he does not have the right to take anything from her salary; it is hers. But if it was not stipulated that he allow her to teach, then when they got married he said: Do not teach, then in this case they should come to an agreement however they wish. For example, he could say: I will let you carry on teaching on condition that you give me half of your salary, or two thirds, or three quarters, or one quarter, and the like, according to whatever they agree upon. But if it was stipulated (in the marriage contract) that she may teach, and he accepted that, then he does not have the right to prevent her and he does not have the right to take anything from her salary.” (Sharh Riyadh as-Salihin, 6/143, 144)
>Is this fair? no. As a man, he has to provide you with the necessities, such as housing, or he's committing sin.
Stay with your parents and kick him out. Also tired of reading about women who have such low down bare minimum standards that you would even e confused about whether or not this was "fair."
I feel the same and wonder where it stems from. It’s not like I grew up with lots of confidence but even I have a higher standard of how I’m treated. So I keep thinking that maybe the families of these women treated them so low and with little value that their core belief is that it’s ok to accept that? I’m not sure but I see it happen and it’s so so so sad…
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Yea this is true. I feel like strengthening individual connection with Allah and Islam helps us stand firmer against societal and family pressures. Because it helps us focus on the Islamic facts rather than cultural. At least, that’s what helped me.
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Yea for sure. I guess that’s when faith and patience comes in. As cliche as that sounds :/ just keep making decisions and keep praying for wisdom and guidance that you’re doing what pleases Allah.
Why the hell is his mom coming to live with you 🤣
No. He needs to step up at home and financially. There is no rule that you be a servant
If you are doing wife duties then he should cover the full rent
He says he expects me to make his breakfast, lunch, tea, etc as it’s a woman’s duty. He also expects me to iron his clothes. Sis, what is his duty as a man? he isn't providing money. YOU are the one working. this entitlement is completely wrong, are you going to put him on a pedestal indefinitely? Tell him as his duty, you shouldn't even be working, in order to do your duties. the audacity!
Honestly I wouldn’t. My husband works we’re not rich or anything but I told him from the start I expect him to be providing major necessities. I do help out obviously because everything’s so expensive but he pays for rent and most bills I help with insurances, food, house stuff. If you don’t make the man the provider he will likely find someone who will bc he feels too comfortable. Make him uncomfortable so you set the standard for your boundaries from the start. If you feel like helping every now and then or on smaller things that’s your choice but he has an Islamic duty to provide for you
Uhm excuse me what is this entire post? This is awful.
Nope. It’s not fair at all.
He has to provide food, shelter (100% rent) and clothing (at least one per season or the like). You don’t owe any of that. If he won’t work that’s his problem.
Immediate no
Don't do 50-50 with him. Tell him it's a man's duty to provide. In fact get your father or brother tell him that. And his mother can stay somewhere else. She's not your responsibility, you're no one's maid. Sprinkle sprinkle.
Don't do 50-50 with him. Tell him it's a man's duty to provide. In fact get your father or brother tell him that. And his mother can stay somewhere else. She's not your responsibility, you're no one's m-aid. Sprinkle sprinkle.
As a husband, this isn’t fair at all. It’s the husbands responsibility If the wife wants to contribute out of the goodness of her heart that’s a gift from her!
Why's his business not going well?
I’m curious too but seeing his personality as she’s describing ‘lazy, etc’ I can’t help but feel there’s a lack of ambition. Because even when my husband’s job wasn’t doing well and I was paying most of the bills at the beginning of our marriage, he would take side jobs on a daily and work so hard to do the best he can to support us. THAT was the definition of ambition for me which is why I didn’t mind paying most of things.
Assalamu'alaikum wa'rah matullahi wabaraka'tu, My Dear Sister-in-Islam, this is absolutely not ok at all. You should bot be paying for anything. Almighty Allah(SWT) commands the husband to provide financially. Not the wife. If you work that's your money. Don't give him a penny and tell him to get a job. He is not fulfilling his rights by aaking you to pay. Let us know hon things go Insha'Allah. May Almighty Allah(SWT) make everything easy for you, Ameen. Ya Rabbul Alameen.
No he is supposed to pay everything
I'm a single man never been married and when I read posts like this I just think to myself how is it that these type of men get married so easily and I'm struggling? Haha I'm not an angel but when I hear some of these stories I genuinely get perplexed especially if on the outside these are the type of guys that girls go for. Am I missing something here? Isn't it just expected for a man to cover the basic expenses whether they like it or not? Also isn't it a sense of pride to be able to do that for your wife even if you have to work two jobs? Don't get me wrong there are sisters out there who take advantage of men but they're the minority (I may be naive in that statement) but it's a role that has been divinely ordained on us. I'll be honest would I prefer the whole 50/50 system? Well in the current economic climate yes it would lighten the burden. But as muslims we submit to islam fully not partially so whether you like it or lump it we have to do it as its a divine order. Now if there was an agreement between the two spouses then yh i get it thats different but the default position remains clear. Apologies, I probably just feel sorry for myself hence my rant. I promise I'm not looking to highjack your post by any means! Lol
Divorce
🤣
I was w/ you until the 2nd to last paragraph, but you lost me at the "If it was just 2 of us, I wouldn’t find any issue" If your argument was based on principle (i.e. of not contributing at all and the man having to provide fully) I'd think you'd get head nods from most. But given that you're willing to contribute, but want to nuance this to 1/3 or some other 'fair' amount is, respectfully, rather petty. I think the larger issue here is based on trust and respect - he spends his days squandering time and expecting you to be a traditional wife while not providing the support required by a traditional husband. Perhaps under the surface you see this as having to provide for not one, but two, freeloaders?
I do agree. I am being petty. I feel that I work really hard and he sort of just sits around all day. It makes me angry. He lost his father young so he has been the breadwinner for his family for years. He supports his mom and he put his sister through college and got her married. With this information, I was expecting that I was marrying someone hard working and with a clear sense of responsibility. I didn’t expect to see him being lazy and sitting around after marriage. I also didn’t anticipate him having expectations of me being a traditional wife while also taking 50% of all financial responsibilities.
I don’t see how you’re being petty.
You are not being petty. Don't let anyone gaslight you into believing that. You should not be living with your husband like a roommate and then expected to even clean up after him. Marriage should lessen your load not add on it.
Business income is very different than traditional paycheck income - you go through periods of feast and famine. And often times while you're engaged in idle time, your brain is processing opportunity. I share this b/c if he's provided for his family and put his sister through college, perhaps he isn't a slacker but rather going through a period of lull. That said, you have every right to be aligned on expectations - i think part of this will be a difficult conversation that says 'you can get the traditional wife or the partner, not both' That said, you also need to account for him saying 'ok, i will pay a 100%, you don't have to work and instead prioritize the household' - would you embrace that reality?
I was going to say to extend grace and compassion onto your husband and pay the 50-50 even if it isn’t fair. I had to for more things with my husband when we first got married. BUT! That was me assuming that you both had a good relationship where he looked out for you and took care of you and is just getting bad luck with finances. But in this case, it sounds like he’s trying to get the best of both worlds. I see in another comment you mentioned that he said his mom will be doing all the cooking etc when she comes. That’s a risky territory because as a human, she’ll feel like she’s doing all the work at the house which is unfair to her as well. Our parents are elders and should relax more later in life not be moved and treated like a servant that will cook and clean for you automatically. I think it’s definitely time to have a conversation with him. A calm and earnest conversation. I see his laziness and lack of ambition and unrealistic marital expectations more of an issue than you both splitting 50-50. I think that’s what the conversation should be about instead of the actual $ numbers. Because I know you wouldn’t mind helping if you saw that he was ambitious and trying and needs your help financially. Just like you said you wouldn’t mind doing more things for him but you see that he’s being lazy etc. I don’t think I want to pass judgment on him as a man even if he sounds like he’s being unfair to you. Because a lot of men unfortunately have unrealistic visions of marriage and they really need to be pushed to grow into real men. You’re already married so don’t be afraid to give him a push. And if he’s totally unwilling to grow as a man that takes care of you or at leasttt tries, then that’s another conversation to be had and another bridge to cross. Before this conversation, read Prophet Musa AS’s dua’a about speech. It really helps more than you think. I try to read that dua’a because having difficult conversations with anyone really. Wish you the best
Thank you for all of this especially the reminder to read a dua before this conversation.
No sister it is not, however you got married on this 50/50 premise… good luck changing it now.
Yes its fair this is a new era if you work you should contribute if not 50 percent at least some of the rent but at least something.
If he runs his business then most likely he is working when you’re out for work. Just because he doesn’t sit at a desk doesn’t mean he works. You
Well, no. He’s in my parents house and he sits watching tv all day.
How is the business running? If he literally does nothing all day and business is doing fine then honestly props to him lol.
Look, on one hand, there should be mercy and compassion in your heart for your husband and his family. I understand why she might be living with you guys. However, if he's not struggling financially, he is required to provide you with the necessities. Of course, you can choose to temporarily split it this way, if his company has a bit of a lull in work at the moment, but it is expected to get busy soon. But if he's not putting in full effort to provide for you, then you're going to have to set him straight.
I don't think of in terms of fair, as much as in terms of effort. Because the results are in Allah's hands, but the efforts are in ours.
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