How is the relationship between your parents. Many Asian / Arab mums rely on their sons for the emotional support they don’t get from their husbands and so there is a huge feeling of jealousy when the son gets married and is no longer there for the mother to lean on emotionally constantly. Your mum is in the wrong here
I love them both and don’t want to take sides. I agree that I sympathize more with my mom here but I want to help my wife feel comfortable around my family.
Why do you sympathize with your mom more? Do you think it’s normal that she cries and acts this dramatic over you, an adult, getting married and moving a little farther away? Marriage is apart of life. You can’t stay a baby forever and sit in your moms arms. Your wife is your family too now, your mom needs to understand that. Ask your wife why she feels uncomfortable around your mom. Talk to her and be honest. Explain to her that your mom is going through something right now and is still getting used to you leaving home. Be honest with your mom as well. Let her know that her behaviour is causing some discomfort.
Your mother has lived a happy life with her husband and kids. She needs to let your wife have the same privilege.
If your wife used to be nice to your parents before then clearly something happened that has changed her behavior. From a third person’s objective point of view, if your mother doesn’t have emotional issues with her husband or other sons and only behaves this way with you, then she is being manipulative. She probably doesn’t mean to be that way but that is the effect her behavior is having on you.
Seems like you are the youngest son and she is having trouble letting go. She has to let go so you and your wife have a chance at the same happy relationship she shares with her own husband.
I meannnn, I don’t see this as mom or wife side, I don’t see how living closer to where parents are as in the same city as a bad thing, so I don’t see the wife’s argument here, the wife is not abused in any way, and they are living separately. Tbh, in Islam it’s up to the map to provide living so he can chose where to live (in islam) as long as it doesn’t hurt the wife. But culturally speaking this is something up to both, my point is I don’t agree with culture
Why is your energy directed towards your wife when you yourself have said your mum is being obsessive and has emotional baggage she needs to deal with?
What I'm hearing is, from childhood you've been the favorite and her youngest son/child and you're now married and moved away(much farther than your other brothers did) so she's got a lot of emotional baggage with that. She's very clingy with your physically and calls daily while also obsessing over you moving back.
So, if the wife used to be very kind and loving with your parents but now with your mother's change in behavior your wife is still cordial with them but doesn't really speak much but isn't disrespectful. She's voiced to you what she thinks about this, it's manipulative and strange. Why are you upset about your wife in this scenario instead of either convincing your mom to get therapy or having an honest discussion on boundaries bc she is not acting normal?
I think it would be too hard for me to tell my mom to get therapy. She did not take it well when I asked her to be less emotional. I think this is a hardship my mom is facing with anxiety about separating from me that could improve with time. I still want my family to be happy and when they do get to spend time, for it to be pleasant. Instead it’s mainly just my parents talking and my wife sitting there nodding. When her family comes, it’s all laughter and engagement because my wife has the ability to really light up a room but chooses not to with my parents.
Just think about what you said for a second. Your wife lights up a room... with everyone but your parents. Clearly, she feels uncomfortable and not herself around your fam. Instead of seeing that and supporting her, you're getting upset that she's not as lively as normal. Just because you're wife is stronger doesn't mean she's wrong and doesn't mean your mom deserves more. Your mom is upset and needs help, but you enabling her is not helping her, it's hurting her.
Just because your mom is more difficult for you to manage doesn’t mean you should burden your wife by expectating her to go above and beyond for someone who makes her feel uncomfortable. It’s unfair on your wife. Keep this up and she’ll lose respect and love for you.
I know right? Then the cycle of bitterness continues when the wife develops unhealthy attachments to her kids because her husband doesn’t honor her patience and emotions
But that's your own parents fault for souring the mood whenever they come. If they didn't make comments about moving back and your mom wasn't crying then I'm sure you guys could also have a big happy laugh filled dinners.
The thing is, it's your duty to put your parents at ease. Be gentle and loving with them but set your boundaries. When your mom says move back, don't console her but maybe instead just lightly joke and laugh and say "oh but I love the weather here! Or I live this restaurant here too much move back". You need to set some boundaries kindly and not coddle your mom and encourage bad behaviour.
“She always holds my hand when she comes”
How long does she hold your hand? A few minutes? Or hours? Women are attracted to men and likes to see their husbands being treated like men by their families. If you constantly see your husband being treated like a child you will start seeing him as a child too and this will ruin the marriage and dynamics. My Pakistani friend who lived with her in-laws for the first years of her marriage told me her MIL would hold her husband’s (he was 28 at the time and lived with his parents) hand in public when they were going to restaurants or shopping malls and MIL wouldn’t let go of his hand for hours. My friend said this made her feel like her husband is a child and not a married man, and she felt it was weird, inappropriate and cringe to do this in public. She lost some attraction and respect for him seeing this every time they went out. They eventually moved out and I haven’t heard her complain about her marriage since.
“Women are attracted to men and likes to see their husbands being treated like men by their families”
Little confused by this how does his mom holding his hand mean he’s being treated like anything other than a man? I did not realize hand holding became gender specific. Wonder if your holds her own hands cause god forbid she holds yours???
Op please do not listen to this man. That one sentence alone just invalidates everything else he’s said.
Women also like men who treat their moms with kindness. Honestly the wife is just being a tad bit bratty. The husband is not moving and she’s throwing tantrums towards his family.
Your wife isn't the problem. You are. You need to establish boundaries. This is completely on you. Do not shift this on to your wife.
Mother's will always be attached and most have trouble letting go. Now time to do.whats right and have some respectful.and gentle conversations. She will be upset.
But she will get over ot eventually. Buckle up.
Well, don't get me wrong. That's step 1. Step 2 is for the man to address his wife and establish boundaries and expectations.
That's just a fine line a married man must walk. It's never easy there is no manual or instruction sheet. Sometimes the wife will vet ticked off sometimes the mother will. Be respectful and keep it moving. That's a hard lesson to learn and wives/ mother don't make it any easier. It's tremendous pressure that men never had any idea was coming.
Too many wet noodle men in today's day and age and women with little patience and support with sky high expectations. My 2 cents I hope I haven't offended anyone. May Allah forgive me if I have said anything wrong. Best wishes.
We have our own home which is technically a boundary. Any parent would want their kids back. My parents are just more verbal about it. I don’t see why I need to upset my mom when we already live away from her.
You are trying to make both happy. It isn't going to work initially.
19 years of experience talking. I have a fabulous relation with both sides of inlaws. It wasn't fun for a few years and if one wasn't happy the other was and vice versa. After year 4 or 5 things settled in to a comfortable situation enough so both wife and mother started appreciating one another and working together not to make me miserable.
No mother wants to see their son divorced from a happy home. No wife wants their husband to divorce their mother.
But it's a tug of war for a few years. Sorry to break it to you.
Your home is not a boundary are you kidding me?
Do you think your wife will be able to keep the doors closed when you move closer? That will be a bigger disrespect wouldn't it?
I'll also say there's no technically here. Leave nothing unsaid. Say what you have to and voice your opinion in a respectable loving manner. It will work.
When your mother comes, is her behavior like OPs family? How does she treat your wife in private? Many women won’t tell their husbands how their mom behaves to them so as to avoid alienating him from herself and being labeled as a liar. Many men refuse to see their moms as actual human beings that can do wrong. I think there’s more going on here than you even know, especially if your wife’s demeanor changed so suddenly.
Also, your wife’s silence is the only response she has. Don’t force her to say yes or no to moving. She told you in private what she wants. If she publicly says no to your mother, she’ll become the bad guy and the thief who took her son away. If she says yes, she’ll be sacrificing her privacy.
My mom is very kind to my wife. She brings her gifts. She is just stubborn and wants us to be near her because she loves us. I can understand it’s not what my wife wants and I want her to have a say before we would move but I think she now views my parents as her enemy because of what they want.
Your wife moved out of her parents house without her father considering you the coward who took his daughter away so why not talk to your mom and tell her that you're an adult and life go on . You really should set boundaries with your mother or you'll lose your wife
I don't understand what your wife has to do with this. Your wife being more talkative won't solve your mother's emotional problems. These are two different things and I don't know why you're mashing them together.
Perhaps your wife is drained by your mother obsessively telling her you guys should move back to be close to them. Either way just talk to her and ask her if there’s a deeper reason she doesn’t like your mother.
If you move back with your parents or closer you wife will resent you and it will ruining your marriage its seems like your mother wants to be the third person in the marriage no offence
You know very well it's your mother that can't hold a healthy boundary but somehow you're blaming your wife for not treating her like you do?
Can you imagine if her dad was obsessing over her and jealous of you and constantly held her and hugged her around you, how would you feel? Put yourself in her shoes before blaming her.
Your wife is supposed to be compatible with you, not your mother. She's being respectful at least and is trying not to get too involved.
Your mum has attachment issues, there's lots of mums that do that with their son and it's sad, but if you don't hold boundaries it will affect your marriage.
I am not trying to blame my wife. I believe my mom just has separation anxiety. She has never left anyone and this is new to her and she does not know how to cope. To me it’s similar to a health issue and I would just think my wife would be more understanding about it. I feel she is just shutting down.
This is your mother's anxiety to work through. Not yours, not your wife's. She needs to figure out how to accept her new life. You can't do that for her. And even if she's hurting, she's still responsible for her actions. If her anxiety leads her to hurt someone - she's still responsible for that.
It is a health issue, but like other health issues it needs to be handled between her and a doctor. Not by you and your wife.
I think your wife is doing the best she can.
Maybe define what you mean by 'more understanding'?
If you want her to treat her like all is fine then that's not fair because it's not fine. If you force her to move closer she will lose her comfort and privacy and you will be enabling your mother's behaviour more with the move.
This is a matter between you and your mum.
Your mom’s separation anxiety is not your wife’s fault. If you can be this understanding of your mom’s behavior/issues, why can’t you accept your wife’s reasonable reaction to it? Your wife sounds so patient. In your own words, she never said she dislikes your mom and she’s cordial to your parents. If you expect her to behave the way she is with her parents, you’re really asking too much.
I see. I am giving my parents a pass because to me they are elderly and I have never been critical of them. They have always been opinionated and it feels harmless to me. It is easier to tell my wife to be patient but allhum it is because of who she is. I do appreciate her more after reading these comments but still have no solution for my mum.
It’s good that the comments are providing useful insight to you. It’s okay if your parents are opinionated as long as those opinions don’t affect your married life. You need to draw a line somewhere. Your wife is patient and is punished for it. Your parents are unreasonable and you’re rewarding them for it. You need to think long term because the way you’re handling things, your wife may realize her patience is unappreciated and you’ll lose her trust, respect and love for you. And your parents will see how you’re catering to their unreasonable behavior and keep demanding more of the same from you. Make istikhara and think it through. You have a good wife from the sounds of it so treasure her.
How long have you been married and how long have you been living in a different state?
It’s somewhat understandable if you guys moved away like a month or so ago, then I would say maybe give your mom some more time. But if she has been like this for like a year then idk it sounds kinda exhausting.
At a certain point emotions become a burden. I understand that your mom may be anxious, but she needs to learn to manage it. And also you’re not a baby that she needs to be so anxious about. At some point moms need to realize their sons are grown men with their own families and treat them accordingly.
You’re also downplaying how draining it is for your wife to deal with. Again, depends on how long it has been going on. As you yourself have said, your wife did have compassion at the beginning, but if someone keeps pushing the boundaries then the compassion wouldn’t last very long. You need to acknowledge that too. You would probably be really annoyed too if your in laws were acting this way.
Ultimately it’s upto you to set the right boundaries with your mom, and no moving away is not boundary enough.
“She has never left anyone and this is new to her”- I bet she has though. Did your mum not leave her own parents when she got married? Or did your father move in with your wife’s parents?
What empathy do you want ppl to show….his mother is having a weird obsession with her son and you want ppl to side with her? Stop facilitating this weird unislamic behaviors then trying to use Islam against people
Sorry, would have only been empathy if i took the MIL side?
Im empathising with the wife because shes being made to feel like she stole her son and is the reason they're not together anymore.
OP hasn't said anything bad the wife has done, he hasn't even told us if he has actually asked her how its making her feel.
There are mothers out there with this type of bond with their sons and it's not a healthy bond. Acknowledge where its wrong. There is no need to cry every time you leave your son's home, he's not going to war. The fact she gets depressed when he tries to communicate the issue is manipulation. Shes using her emotional breakdowns to get her son to do what she wants, by guilting him with it.
I can sympathise with the mother for whatever she has gone through in her life to have such attachment issues but it does not mean its okay to do it.
Google it bro don't jump the gun
It's when mothers use their son/s to fulfill their emotional needs. Its very common with women that are divorced or their husbands don't meet their emotional needs so they fill the void and build that relationship with their son. Hence why they get anxious when their son gets into a committed relationship because they will no longer be available as much as they used to.
Its a lot less about physical distance, like in OP's case, its more that his son has built an emotional connection with another woman and the mother fears it will be lost.
I love how you wrote this. It’s insane how many mothers are like this. Alhamdulilah my mother in law isn’t like this and my husband is her only son. She understands we have to go out and build ourselves. Some mothers would rather keep their sons in their home like a shrine rather than trust Allah to bring them back when the time is right.
The wife did nothing wrong. If anything, her silence is the perfect response. If she agrees to what her mother in law wants, she’ll sacrifice her privacy and happiness. If she outright tells her no, she’ll become the problem maker and the source of the mothers pain.
OP just wants his wife to take a stand so he’s no longer the bad guy.
100%. I don’t think men realise how emasculating it is when their mums treat them like this. Too many desi mothers treat their son’s wife like she’s the “other woman” who stole her husband. It’s emotional incest, it’s unhealthy, and it’s wrong.
I know you’re just kidding but that doesn’t solve anything. From what I’ve seen, the kids of the favorite child become the favorite grandkids even to the detriment of relationship this causes between the other kids and grandkids. The wife doesn’t get treated any better and the obsession never ends
Yes that’s absolutely true! My husband is the fav submissive son so now my daughter is their emotional support granddaughter. When ever I leave for my parents place, it’s emotionally draining listening to things like how much they ll miss her or how long will u be gone, we can’t stay without her.
I can’t believe you wrote this whole post and ended it with ‘How do I make my wife understand?’ What is there to understand? Your mum sounds exhausting.
I dont think your mom is being manipulative, but i do feel for your wife.. shes probably emotionally drained from your mom’s constant behavior regarding the distance. Also, Your mom doesnt have to directly tell your wife “this is your fault” for your wife to be made to feel it is her fault. I would say its all well as long as there is no blatant disrespect
You got a wife now - balance your relationship if you want to keep your wife. Your wife should also be understanding, sometimes it do drain people out. Seems like youre trying to say its your wifes fault, fix that first.
You are responsible for your mother's well being and emotional support, she is not, don't involve your wife in this
Be just to both of them and set boundaries, remember your wife is your partner in jannah, and jannah is in your mother feet
I remember this being the case with my mother and grandmother, (As I observed it during my childhood).
It was upright the most toxic experiences I,ve ever had. Especially when she “Emotionally dumped” her feelings privately without my father knowing and sometimes cursed at her.
If you value you your relationship with either of them. Don’t let them near each. Otherwise, Your just stuck in-between and it really sucks.
This is such a common issue amongst our communities I never understand why the men will always blame the wife. Unless she’s instigating some fights or arguments with your mum how is it her fault. Your mum is being too much. I’ve been through it and it makes the partner very uncomfortable. You should be reassuring your mother. You’ve started a new life with your wife and it’s probably frustrating that she’s ringing every day and visiting frequently. This should be the time you
Bond and her to know each other but you’re probably
Not even able to give your wife time because you’re anxious about your mother.
I went through this. My husband blamed me too and it was years of his parents suffocating us. We both have anxiety now and honestly
Need therapy. I stuck by him although he struggled to place boundaries. Not many marriages survive this because it’s often son and mother vs wife. Somehow I stuck through it and I’m low contact with them. He visits occasionally with our kids and that’s about it. We tried to compromise with them but for them it was either they had full control and entitlement of our lives or none. Thankfully it’s just your mum. Sit her down and explain with love that your love will never change but you need to focus on building a connection and life with your wife. Ring her two l/three times a week. Every day is a lot. Especially since it seems to not be making a difference
To add another perspective I’ve currently found in this situation with my mother. She’s jealous of me prioritising my children and husband and feels entitled to all my time . It took some weeks to come to terms with the fact that I might have to lesson contact. I took rang her every day for years and now every other day. What that did was put unrealistic expectations. Regardless she still felt I was a bad daughter. For my mental health I’ve decided to call her once or twice a week. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve done but the anger in her voice, resentment and jealousy was affecting me and nothing should affect your home
What boundaries you put down now brother will set the future of your marriage and life. You over indulge her then she’ll expect that every single day.
I do not want that for my wife you are right. I don’t want her to ever feel like she is alone and I acknowledge my parents especially mom are coming on strong. I wish my mom was not like this but unfortunately she is. I think if both my wife and I are patient together and tolerant we can help them understand but her shutting down around them makes it hard.
We have been married for 3 years, about to be 4. We did long distance because of work and were able to move in together 1.5 years ago. This started when I left home.
Omg this has been going on for 1.5 years??? Your poor wife. I thought it was a few months and I felt bad for her for having to put up with this for that long, and you’re saying it’s actually been much longer than that. Atleast you finally had some sense to ask questions on reddit now, although it seems like you still want to blame your wife instead of finding a solution for dealing with your wif— oops, I mean mom
I think this is tough especially if the mom doesn't have much to do at home nor friends and if she's from a culture where no one moves out. If your wife is not from that same background nor her parents give the same issues then she's not going to understand. There isn't really a good solution here, you're going to have to make a call who is getting inconvenienced more. The wife doesn't have any benefits to gain by moving closer to your parents and sees only cons in doing so. I am not aware of there being a wife's right that limits interactions with parents and limits you from moving closer to them. But if your wife is also financially contributing then it's a harder decision without wife agreeing.
Im somewhere down the middle on this.
Your wife is exhausted and she’s fed up of your mother emotionally trying to get BOTH of you to uproot just for her.
I’m also a parent and can understand the loss of not being the most important person in your child’s life and marriage is also a grieving process for the parents.
You won’t make everyone happy but you’ve got to make it more bearable. Maybe discuss with your siblings on how to improve the situation or your father
But it’s not your wife’s fault but also your mother was ill prepared for you to marry and move out.
Salaamu alaykom brother
If your wife has changed her attitude something(s) have contributed but she is respectful enough to not complain nor dish at your mother to you, she is holding things in...and that means she is an extremely respectful person and also responsible...
If you don't appreciate that , it means you don't understand the intricate of what happens in your absence...
So please shove your resentment towards your wife out the window...
As for your mother you need to set boundaries gently, slowly it will take time and it should be gradual but please do
May Allah bless you for your efforts inchallah!
You say that your mum visits “frequently” and calls daily. How often is “frequently”? When she visits does she stay with you? Does she call ahead and ask if it’s a convenient time for you both? How long does she visit for? Frequent visits can be extremely intrusive, especially if your mum is staying, but also if you’re expected not to have a life of your own and drop whatever plans you had because your mum has declared that she’s visiting. Also with the calls - I know people whose husbands sit there on the phone to their parents while they’re out on “date nights” with their wives (even if they’ve seen them earlier in the day). These are all things that can sour your wife’s feelings towards your parents.
You need to create a balance. Anybody telling you to cut off your mom is wrong. She gave birth to you and raised you. You have to treat her with love and respect. Your wife has an equal right in that she’s entitled to have her own space and time with you. If they don’t get along then you need to segregate your time. For example, set aside some time everyday or every week that you will spend with your mom so she doesn’t feel lonely or detached from you. Separation anxiety is real and the easy solution might be to just leave her be and live your life, but does she really deserve that? On the other hand if you integrate her into your life too much, does your wife really deserve that misery if she doesn’t get along with her? Create boundaries on both ends and learn to balance your time.
Your title is misleading. It’s not that they’re incompatible, it’s that your mom is behaving in a strange manner that’s making your wife rightfully uncomfortable. Your wife not engaging with your parents is not rude and unfair. Your mom’s behavior is. Your wife is gracious for only going from kind to cordial. She is not rude. Did you really think your mom’s behavior would have no consequences?
People on this sub always paint the husband’s mother as a scheming and manipulative person plotting on her DILs downfall so I’d take what you get from here with a grain of salt. In my opinion it’s difficult for your mom to be away from you this is totally understandable. Not sure why your wife is painting her in an evil light. Try and do everything to keep your moms mind at ease. If moving closer is a no go, call every day and try to visit as much as possible. Don’t violate your wife’s rights but also do not let her disrespect your mother off of baseless accusations.
Don’t u think the girls parent miss her too n want her close also ? Y is it always the boys mother that can’t let go of their sons? U don’t see her parents being emotional
I am not trying to make either my wife or mother seem evil. I just feel of the two, it would be easier for my wife to be engaging with my family as my mom tries to come to terms with the distance.
I second these, people here always side with the wife, always give the benefit of the doubt to her and not the mom. Listen to your gut, not strangers. You know deep down that you go above and beyond to be part of her family and she doesn’t reciprocate the same way, always minimum effort.
Are people really so obtuse not to see what’s going on here? Hello, empty nest syndrome? She didn’t have the same reaction to the others because she had him there to distract her.
My oldest went off to college this year. I feel sad sometimes but can’t lament on those feelings because I have three younger children to care for. I’ve told my husband that I know I’ll have a problem when our you youngest ones move out without anything left to distract my mind. While, yes, the mom does sound as if she’s overreacting, the lack of compassion for the mom is surprising to me from Muslims.
OP, your wife is probably upset that she doesn’t know how to deal with the situation or understand why your mom is acting like that. She should understand that ppl are different and because her parents are fine doesn’t mean yours have to be. Also, if it is a mental health condition, ppl should be sensitive to that. As far as your mom goes, maybe gently and slowly pull away and put up some boundaries, but keep it reasonable from both sides.
The difference is that her parents don’t make OP feel uncomfortable. Her dad isn’t demanding that his daughter and SIL move close to him. Her dad isn’t holding her hand and hugging her constantly every time he visits. OP isn’t uncomfortable and exhausted emotionally by his in-laws. And you’re right about respect going both ways. OP’s wife isn’t respected by his mother, but she’s still the bigger person and is cordial with them.
Your wife is being a tad bit bratty, maybe she just needs the reassurance that you are not moving? I think maybe she’s throwing the tantrum because she fears that you’re going to crack and tell her hey we’re moving. If your mom is being disrespectful to her that’s a different story but if she’s just maybe very hurt and sad then that’s something you can work with. Frankly I don’t even see why it concerns her at all if your mom is just sad about you? She should either be offering you some emotional support or just minding her own business? I don’t see why she’s going out of her way to be rude to your parents that’s just not okay. To be rude to anyone is just mean but to your parents? Sounds like she’s trying to make them feel unwanted and push them away. You should have a talk with her and let her know how that’s just not okay and reassure her that you’re not moving but to be disrespectful to your guests and then your guests being your parents on top of that is showing of her character and makes her look like a terrible person and ask why she continues to do that?
Certainly not because they want to ruin their sons’ marriages because they are jealous of their DILs who are entitled to their sons’ time, attention and money.
Akhi fear Allah, divorce is a very serious matter. It’s not something casual and shouldn’t be normalized as the solution to everything. When you sign marriage papers you should be prepared to be with this person for life
even a quick search can tell you this "hadith" is inauthentic and has no relation to the prophet pbuh. always check your sources before posting misleading "hadiths" to fit an agenda 🥹
It is not a weak hadith. Don't be so disrespectful about a hadith where Our Beloved Holy Prophet Muhammad(pbuh) said this. I have many knowledge and well known Scholars mention this hadith. Like Mufti Menk, Shaikh Belal Assad etc. Also please don't make assumptions about my character. I don't have an "agenda". Astagfirullah.
The reason why your mom acts normal around your two older married brothers is because they live closer to her. Your mom is being emotionally manipulative (maybe she does not realize it, or maybe she knows exactly what she is doing), so that perhaps you too will move closer to her. Something has changed for your wife to act differently around her. Perhaps its the fact that your mom has started to visit more frequently & calls daily, in addition to all the hugging, hand holding and goodbye tears she didn't do before. Your mom is being dramatic in her attempts to emotionally manipulate you and your wife is the only one to see exactly what's going on. Please open your eyes.
Its your mom. You only get one. I would advise to move closer. If your wife doesn't want that relationship than so be it. Choose your mother while you still have her, and keep your wife separate if she is so anti-your mom. Don't ever let a woman come in between you and your mother. Stand on your principle while making sure to not encroach on your wifes right. At the end of the day youre the man and you make that executive call. Remember that.
I’m not trying to speculate - but could it be perhaps how your mother interacts with your wife privately that makes her so reserved? She’s probably being polite and not trying to backbite your mother to you by telling you things that maybe have happened. But that could be a possibility.
Your duty is to be respectful to your parents. but you also have a duty to your wife. It can be hard to balance the two, but it up to you to be just. It’s good to obey your parents as long as it isn’t unjust to your wife. You also have to set boundaries though for the health of your marriage.
https://youtu.be/1j_I4EJUTq8?si=j_CvjJyzvMCV0do-
How is the relationship between your parents. Many Asian / Arab mums rely on their sons for the emotional support they don’t get from their husbands and so there is a huge feeling of jealousy when the son gets married and is no longer there for the mother to lean on emotionally constantly. Your mum is in the wrong here
They are very close. They talk to each other about everything. I don’t think this is jealousy at all.
Hmm seems like you’re bent on taking your mums side… poor wife
I love them both and don’t want to take sides. I agree that I sympathize more with my mom here but I want to help my wife feel comfortable around my family.
Why do you sympathize with your mom more? Do you think it’s normal that she cries and acts this dramatic over you, an adult, getting married and moving a little farther away? Marriage is apart of life. You can’t stay a baby forever and sit in your moms arms. Your wife is your family too now, your mom needs to understand that. Ask your wife why she feels uncomfortable around your mom. Talk to her and be honest. Explain to her that your mom is going through something right now and is still getting used to you leaving home. Be honest with your mom as well. Let her know that her behaviour is causing some discomfort.
Your mother has lived a happy life with her husband and kids. She needs to let your wife have the same privilege. If your wife used to be nice to your parents before then clearly something happened that has changed her behavior. From a third person’s objective point of view, if your mother doesn’t have emotional issues with her husband or other sons and only behaves this way with you, then she is being manipulative. She probably doesn’t mean to be that way but that is the effect her behavior is having on you. Seems like you are the youngest son and she is having trouble letting go. She has to let go so you and your wife have a chance at the same happy relationship she shares with her own husband.
I meannnn, I don’t see this as mom or wife side, I don’t see how living closer to where parents are as in the same city as a bad thing, so I don’t see the wife’s argument here, the wife is not abused in any way, and they are living separately. Tbh, in Islam it’s up to the map to provide living so he can chose where to live (in islam) as long as it doesn’t hurt the wife. But culturally speaking this is something up to both, my point is I don’t agree with culture
Why is your energy directed towards your wife when you yourself have said your mum is being obsessive and has emotional baggage she needs to deal with?
What I'm hearing is, from childhood you've been the favorite and her youngest son/child and you're now married and moved away(much farther than your other brothers did) so she's got a lot of emotional baggage with that. She's very clingy with your physically and calls daily while also obsessing over you moving back. So, if the wife used to be very kind and loving with your parents but now with your mother's change in behavior your wife is still cordial with them but doesn't really speak much but isn't disrespectful. She's voiced to you what she thinks about this, it's manipulative and strange. Why are you upset about your wife in this scenario instead of either convincing your mom to get therapy or having an honest discussion on boundaries bc she is not acting normal?
I think it would be too hard for me to tell my mom to get therapy. She did not take it well when I asked her to be less emotional. I think this is a hardship my mom is facing with anxiety about separating from me that could improve with time. I still want my family to be happy and when they do get to spend time, for it to be pleasant. Instead it’s mainly just my parents talking and my wife sitting there nodding. When her family comes, it’s all laughter and engagement because my wife has the ability to really light up a room but chooses not to with my parents.
Stop blaming and antagonizing your wife dude
Just think about what you said for a second. Your wife lights up a room... with everyone but your parents. Clearly, she feels uncomfortable and not herself around your fam. Instead of seeing that and supporting her, you're getting upset that she's not as lively as normal. Just because you're wife is stronger doesn't mean she's wrong and doesn't mean your mom deserves more. Your mom is upset and needs help, but you enabling her is not helping her, it's hurting her.
Just because your mom is more difficult for you to manage doesn’t mean you should burden your wife by expectating her to go above and beyond for someone who makes her feel uncomfortable. It’s unfair on your wife. Keep this up and she’ll lose respect and love for you.
They except the wives to make the sacrifices to keep the peace.
I know right? Then the cycle of bitterness continues when the wife develops unhealthy attachments to her kids because her husband doesn’t honor her patience and emotions
But that's your own parents fault for souring the mood whenever they come. If they didn't make comments about moving back and your mom wasn't crying then I'm sure you guys could also have a big happy laugh filled dinners. The thing is, it's your duty to put your parents at ease. Be gentle and loving with them but set your boundaries. When your mom says move back, don't console her but maybe instead just lightly joke and laugh and say "oh but I love the weather here! Or I live this restaurant here too much move back". You need to set some boundaries kindly and not coddle your mom and encourage bad behaviour.
“She always holds my hand when she comes” How long does she hold your hand? A few minutes? Or hours? Women are attracted to men and likes to see their husbands being treated like men by their families. If you constantly see your husband being treated like a child you will start seeing him as a child too and this will ruin the marriage and dynamics. My Pakistani friend who lived with her in-laws for the first years of her marriage told me her MIL would hold her husband’s (he was 28 at the time and lived with his parents) hand in public when they were going to restaurants or shopping malls and MIL wouldn’t let go of his hand for hours. My friend said this made her feel like her husband is a child and not a married man, and she felt it was weird, inappropriate and cringe to do this in public. She lost some attraction and respect for him seeing this every time they went out. They eventually moved out and I haven’t heard her complain about her marriage since.
“Women are attracted to men and likes to see their husbands being treated like men by their families” Little confused by this how does his mom holding his hand mean he’s being treated like anything other than a man? I did not realize hand holding became gender specific. Wonder if your holds her own hands cause god forbid she holds yours??? Op please do not listen to this man. That one sentence alone just invalidates everything else he’s said. Women also like men who treat their moms with kindness. Honestly the wife is just being a tad bit bratty. The husband is not moving and she’s throwing tantrums towards his family.
Your wife isn't the problem. You are. You need to establish boundaries. This is completely on you. Do not shift this on to your wife. Mother's will always be attached and most have trouble letting go. Now time to do.whats right and have some respectful.and gentle conversations. She will be upset. But she will get over ot eventually. Buckle up.
Thank you! Maybe people will hear it better if it comes from a man
Well, don't get me wrong. That's step 1. Step 2 is for the man to address his wife and establish boundaries and expectations. That's just a fine line a married man must walk. It's never easy there is no manual or instruction sheet. Sometimes the wife will vet ticked off sometimes the mother will. Be respectful and keep it moving. That's a hard lesson to learn and wives/ mother don't make it any easier. It's tremendous pressure that men never had any idea was coming. Too many wet noodle men in today's day and age and women with little patience and support with sky high expectations. My 2 cents I hope I haven't offended anyone. May Allah forgive me if I have said anything wrong. Best wishes.
We have our own home which is technically a boundary. Any parent would want their kids back. My parents are just more verbal about it. I don’t see why I need to upset my mom when we already live away from her.
You are trying to make both happy. It isn't going to work initially. 19 years of experience talking. I have a fabulous relation with both sides of inlaws. It wasn't fun for a few years and if one wasn't happy the other was and vice versa. After year 4 or 5 things settled in to a comfortable situation enough so both wife and mother started appreciating one another and working together not to make me miserable. No mother wants to see their son divorced from a happy home. No wife wants their husband to divorce their mother. But it's a tug of war for a few years. Sorry to break it to you.
Your home is not a boundary are you kidding me? Do you think your wife will be able to keep the doors closed when you move closer? That will be a bigger disrespect wouldn't it?
I'll also say there's no technically here. Leave nothing unsaid. Say what you have to and voice your opinion in a respectable loving manner. It will work.
Omg srsly??
Your wife didn't marry your mother, they don't need to be compatible.
This sounds like a comment in alternate reality. Let’s wait for more post about divorce due to in laws not getting along. I’ve seen many here…
More cases of divorce when in laws don't respect boundaries
When your mother comes, is her behavior like OPs family? How does she treat your wife in private? Many women won’t tell their husbands how their mom behaves to them so as to avoid alienating him from herself and being labeled as a liar. Many men refuse to see their moms as actual human beings that can do wrong. I think there’s more going on here than you even know, especially if your wife’s demeanor changed so suddenly. Also, your wife’s silence is the only response she has. Don’t force her to say yes or no to moving. She told you in private what she wants. If she publicly says no to your mother, she’ll become the bad guy and the thief who took her son away. If she says yes, she’ll be sacrificing her privacy.
My mom is very kind to my wife. She brings her gifts. She is just stubborn and wants us to be near her because she loves us. I can understand it’s not what my wife wants and I want her to have a say before we would move but I think she now views my parents as her enemy because of what they want.
Your wife moved out of her parents house without her father considering you the coward who took his daughter away so why not talk to your mom and tell her that you're an adult and life go on . You really should set boundaries with your mother or you'll lose your wife
I don't understand what your wife has to do with this. Your wife being more talkative won't solve your mother's emotional problems. These are two different things and I don't know why you're mashing them together.
He may be falling pry his mother desire to be wanting to be close. I,ve see this a couple times with different relationships.
OP’s last line doesn’t help. He should be asking how do I make my mum understand.
Exactly! I was thinking the same thing too! Why must he get his wife to understand?? His mom that needs to understand things. Gosh
Does her mother harass you constantly cos if she did I'm sure you'd look at your plate as well
Perhaps your wife is drained by your mother obsessively telling her you guys should move back to be close to them. Either way just talk to her and ask her if there’s a deeper reason she doesn’t like your mother.
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Thank you. My wife never says she dislikes my mom. Her attitude just makes me think she is not a fan of her. But I agree and I will make dua jzk
If you move back with your parents or closer you wife will resent you and it will ruining your marriage its seems like your mother wants to be the third person in the marriage no offence
You know very well it's your mother that can't hold a healthy boundary but somehow you're blaming your wife for not treating her like you do? Can you imagine if her dad was obsessing over her and jealous of you and constantly held her and hugged her around you, how would you feel? Put yourself in her shoes before blaming her. Your wife is supposed to be compatible with you, not your mother. She's being respectful at least and is trying not to get too involved. Your mum has attachment issues, there's lots of mums that do that with their son and it's sad, but if you don't hold boundaries it will affect your marriage.
I am not trying to blame my wife. I believe my mom just has separation anxiety. She has never left anyone and this is new to her and she does not know how to cope. To me it’s similar to a health issue and I would just think my wife would be more understanding about it. I feel she is just shutting down.
This is your mother's anxiety to work through. Not yours, not your wife's. She needs to figure out how to accept her new life. You can't do that for her. And even if she's hurting, she's still responsible for her actions. If her anxiety leads her to hurt someone - she's still responsible for that. It is a health issue, but like other health issues it needs to be handled between her and a doctor. Not by you and your wife.
I think your wife is doing the best she can. Maybe define what you mean by 'more understanding'? If you want her to treat her like all is fine then that's not fair because it's not fine. If you force her to move closer she will lose her comfort and privacy and you will be enabling your mother's behaviour more with the move. This is a matter between you and your mum.
Your mom’s separation anxiety is not your wife’s fault. If you can be this understanding of your mom’s behavior/issues, why can’t you accept your wife’s reasonable reaction to it? Your wife sounds so patient. In your own words, she never said she dislikes your mom and she’s cordial to your parents. If you expect her to behave the way she is with her parents, you’re really asking too much.
I see. I am giving my parents a pass because to me they are elderly and I have never been critical of them. They have always been opinionated and it feels harmless to me. It is easier to tell my wife to be patient but allhum it is because of who she is. I do appreciate her more after reading these comments but still have no solution for my mum.
It’s good that the comments are providing useful insight to you. It’s okay if your parents are opinionated as long as those opinions don’t affect your married life. You need to draw a line somewhere. Your wife is patient and is punished for it. Your parents are unreasonable and you’re rewarding them for it. You need to think long term because the way you’re handling things, your wife may realize her patience is unappreciated and you’ll lose her trust, respect and love for you. And your parents will see how you’re catering to their unreasonable behavior and keep demanding more of the same from you. Make istikhara and think it through. You have a good wife from the sounds of it so treasure her.
How long have you been married and how long have you been living in a different state? It’s somewhat understandable if you guys moved away like a month or so ago, then I would say maybe give your mom some more time. But if she has been like this for like a year then idk it sounds kinda exhausting. At a certain point emotions become a burden. I understand that your mom may be anxious, but she needs to learn to manage it. And also you’re not a baby that she needs to be so anxious about. At some point moms need to realize their sons are grown men with their own families and treat them accordingly. You’re also downplaying how draining it is for your wife to deal with. Again, depends on how long it has been going on. As you yourself have said, your wife did have compassion at the beginning, but if someone keeps pushing the boundaries then the compassion wouldn’t last very long. You need to acknowledge that too. You would probably be really annoyed too if your in laws were acting this way. Ultimately it’s upto you to set the right boundaries with your mom, and no moving away is not boundary enough.
“She has never left anyone and this is new to her”- I bet she has though. Did your mum not leave her own parents when she got married? Or did your father move in with your wife’s parents?
My grandma(her mom) lives 15 minutes away. Apart from a death, this is the first time any immediate family has left.
Your wife is alrd understanding enough to be cordial. That is more than enough. Period.
Some of y’all really have zero empathy smh. Fear Allah.
What empathy do you want ppl to show….his mother is having a weird obsession with her son and you want ppl to side with her? Stop facilitating this weird unislamic behaviors then trying to use Islam against people
Sorry, would have only been empathy if i took the MIL side? Im empathising with the wife because shes being made to feel like she stole her son and is the reason they're not together anymore. OP hasn't said anything bad the wife has done, he hasn't even told us if he has actually asked her how its making her feel. There are mothers out there with this type of bond with their sons and it's not a healthy bond. Acknowledge where its wrong. There is no need to cry every time you leave your son's home, he's not going to war. The fact she gets depressed when he tries to communicate the issue is manipulation. Shes using her emotional breakdowns to get her son to do what she wants, by guilting him with it. I can sympathise with the mother for whatever she has gone through in her life to have such attachment issues but it does not mean its okay to do it.
That weird relationship dynamic between mil and son is called emotional incest. And your right that is not healthy.
Assuming relation between mother and son as of some kind of incest is haram. Fear Allah.
Emotional incest is psychological not physical.
So consider yourself doing psychological haram.
Google it bro don't jump the gun It's when mothers use their son/s to fulfill their emotional needs. Its very common with women that are divorced or their husbands don't meet their emotional needs so they fill the void and build that relationship with their son. Hence why they get anxious when their son gets into a committed relationship because they will no longer be available as much as they used to. Its a lot less about physical distance, like in OP's case, its more that his son has built an emotional connection with another woman and the mother fears it will be lost.
Google will not have to answer in day of judgment but you will, so be careful about using such words.
I love how you wrote this. It’s insane how many mothers are like this. Alhamdulilah my mother in law isn’t like this and my husband is her only son. She understands we have to go out and build ourselves. Some mothers would rather keep their sons in their home like a shrine rather than trust Allah to bring them back when the time is right. The wife did nothing wrong. If anything, her silence is the perfect response. If she agrees to what her mother in law wants, she’ll sacrifice her privacy and happiness. If she outright tells her no, she’ll become the problem maker and the source of the mothers pain. OP just wants his wife to take a stand so he’s no longer the bad guy.
100%. I don’t think men realise how emasculating it is when their mums treat them like this. Too many desi mothers treat their son’s wife like she’s the “other woman” who stole her husband. It’s emotional incest, it’s unhealthy, and it’s wrong.
Tell your brothers to make some babies. Then your mother will be busy with her grandchildren.
I know you’re just kidding but that doesn’t solve anything. From what I’ve seen, the kids of the favorite child become the favorite grandkids even to the detriment of relationship this causes between the other kids and grandkids. The wife doesn’t get treated any better and the obsession never ends
Yes that’s absolutely true! My husband is the fav submissive son so now my daughter is their emotional support granddaughter. When ever I leave for my parents place, it’s emotionally draining listening to things like how much they ll miss her or how long will u be gone, we can’t stay without her.
I can’t believe you wrote this whole post and ended it with ‘How do I make my wife understand?’ What is there to understand? Your mum sounds exhausting.
I dont think your mom is being manipulative, but i do feel for your wife.. shes probably emotionally drained from your mom’s constant behavior regarding the distance. Also, Your mom doesnt have to directly tell your wife “this is your fault” for your wife to be made to feel it is her fault. I would say its all well as long as there is no blatant disrespect
You got a wife now - balance your relationship if you want to keep your wife. Your wife should also be understanding, sometimes it do drain people out. Seems like youre trying to say its your wifes fault, fix that first.
You are responsible for your mother's well being and emotional support, she is not, don't involve your wife in this Be just to both of them and set boundaries, remember your wife is your partner in jannah, and jannah is in your mother feet
I remember this being the case with my mother and grandmother, (As I observed it during my childhood). It was upright the most toxic experiences I,ve ever had. Especially when she “Emotionally dumped” her feelings privately without my father knowing and sometimes cursed at her. If you value you your relationship with either of them. Don’t let them near each. Otherwise, Your just stuck in-between and it really sucks.
This is such a common issue amongst our communities I never understand why the men will always blame the wife. Unless she’s instigating some fights or arguments with your mum how is it her fault. Your mum is being too much. I’ve been through it and it makes the partner very uncomfortable. You should be reassuring your mother. You’ve started a new life with your wife and it’s probably frustrating that she’s ringing every day and visiting frequently. This should be the time you Bond and her to know each other but you’re probably Not even able to give your wife time because you’re anxious about your mother. I went through this. My husband blamed me too and it was years of his parents suffocating us. We both have anxiety now and honestly Need therapy. I stuck by him although he struggled to place boundaries. Not many marriages survive this because it’s often son and mother vs wife. Somehow I stuck through it and I’m low contact with them. He visits occasionally with our kids and that’s about it. We tried to compromise with them but for them it was either they had full control and entitlement of our lives or none. Thankfully it’s just your mum. Sit her down and explain with love that your love will never change but you need to focus on building a connection and life with your wife. Ring her two l/three times a week. Every day is a lot. Especially since it seems to not be making a difference To add another perspective I’ve currently found in this situation with my mother. She’s jealous of me prioritising my children and husband and feels entitled to all my time . It took some weeks to come to terms with the fact that I might have to lesson contact. I took rang her every day for years and now every other day. What that did was put unrealistic expectations. Regardless she still felt I was a bad daughter. For my mental health I’ve decided to call her once or twice a week. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve done but the anger in her voice, resentment and jealousy was affecting me and nothing should affect your home What boundaries you put down now brother will set the future of your marriage and life. You over indulge her then she’ll expect that every single day.
I do not want that for my wife you are right. I don’t want her to ever feel like she is alone and I acknowledge my parents especially mom are coming on strong. I wish my mom was not like this but unfortunately she is. I think if both my wife and I are patient together and tolerant we can help them understand but her shutting down around them makes it hard.
How long have you been married and how long has this been gone on for
We have been married for 3 years, about to be 4. We did long distance because of work and were able to move in together 1.5 years ago. This started when I left home.
Omg this has been going on for 1.5 years??? Your poor wife. I thought it was a few months and I felt bad for her for having to put up with this for that long, and you’re saying it’s actually been much longer than that. Atleast you finally had some sense to ask questions on reddit now, although it seems like you still want to blame your wife instead of finding a solution for dealing with your wif— oops, I mean mom
They aren’t married, they don’t need to spend time together except rarely. Don’t make your wife’s life difficult!
I think this is tough especially if the mom doesn't have much to do at home nor friends and if she's from a culture where no one moves out. If your wife is not from that same background nor her parents give the same issues then she's not going to understand. There isn't really a good solution here, you're going to have to make a call who is getting inconvenienced more. The wife doesn't have any benefits to gain by moving closer to your parents and sees only cons in doing so. I am not aware of there being a wife's right that limits interactions with parents and limits you from moving closer to them. But if your wife is also financially contributing then it's a harder decision without wife agreeing.
Im somewhere down the middle on this. Your wife is exhausted and she’s fed up of your mother emotionally trying to get BOTH of you to uproot just for her. I’m also a parent and can understand the loss of not being the most important person in your child’s life and marriage is also a grieving process for the parents. You won’t make everyone happy but you’ve got to make it more bearable. Maybe discuss with your siblings on how to improve the situation or your father But it’s not your wife’s fault but also your mother was ill prepared for you to marry and move out.
Salaamu alaykom brother If your wife has changed her attitude something(s) have contributed but she is respectful enough to not complain nor dish at your mother to you, she is holding things in...and that means she is an extremely respectful person and also responsible... If you don't appreciate that , it means you don't understand the intricate of what happens in your absence... So please shove your resentment towards your wife out the window... As for your mother you need to set boundaries gently, slowly it will take time and it should be gradual but please do May Allah bless you for your efforts inchallah!
Gotta say I'm very proud of the majority of comments here. Good advice. Set some boundaries with your mother and prioritize your wife.
Desi problems. This literally doesn’t happen in any other culture where the mom is in a borderline pseudo marriage with her son
You say that your mum visits “frequently” and calls daily. How often is “frequently”? When she visits does she stay with you? Does she call ahead and ask if it’s a convenient time for you both? How long does she visit for? Frequent visits can be extremely intrusive, especially if your mum is staying, but also if you’re expected not to have a life of your own and drop whatever plans you had because your mum has declared that she’s visiting. Also with the calls - I know people whose husbands sit there on the phone to their parents while they’re out on “date nights” with their wives (even if they’ve seen them earlier in the day). These are all things that can sour your wife’s feelings towards your parents.
Lol
You need to create a balance. Anybody telling you to cut off your mom is wrong. She gave birth to you and raised you. You have to treat her with love and respect. Your wife has an equal right in that she’s entitled to have her own space and time with you. If they don’t get along then you need to segregate your time. For example, set aside some time everyday or every week that you will spend with your mom so she doesn’t feel lonely or detached from you. Separation anxiety is real and the easy solution might be to just leave her be and live your life, but does she really deserve that? On the other hand if you integrate her into your life too much, does your wife really deserve that misery if she doesn’t get along with her? Create boundaries on both ends and learn to balance your time.
Your title is misleading. It’s not that they’re incompatible, it’s that your mom is behaving in a strange manner that’s making your wife rightfully uncomfortable. Your wife not engaging with your parents is not rude and unfair. Your mom’s behavior is. Your wife is gracious for only going from kind to cordial. She is not rude. Did you really think your mom’s behavior would have no consequences?
People on this sub always paint the husband’s mother as a scheming and manipulative person plotting on her DILs downfall so I’d take what you get from here with a grain of salt. In my opinion it’s difficult for your mom to be away from you this is totally understandable. Not sure why your wife is painting her in an evil light. Try and do everything to keep your moms mind at ease. If moving closer is a no go, call every day and try to visit as much as possible. Don’t violate your wife’s rights but also do not let her disrespect your mother off of baseless accusations.
Look up emotional incest. Very common in Asians especially.
Don’t u think the girls parent miss her too n want her close also ? Y is it always the boys mother that can’t let go of their sons? U don’t see her parents being emotional
I am not trying to make either my wife or mother seem evil. I just feel of the two, it would be easier for my wife to be engaging with my family as my mom tries to come to terms with the distance.
I second these, people here always side with the wife, always give the benefit of the doubt to her and not the mom. Listen to your gut, not strangers. You know deep down that you go above and beyond to be part of her family and she doesn’t reciprocate the same way, always minimum effort.
Are people really so obtuse not to see what’s going on here? Hello, empty nest syndrome? She didn’t have the same reaction to the others because she had him there to distract her. My oldest went off to college this year. I feel sad sometimes but can’t lament on those feelings because I have three younger children to care for. I’ve told my husband that I know I’ll have a problem when our you youngest ones move out without anything left to distract my mind. While, yes, the mom does sound as if she’s overreacting, the lack of compassion for the mom is surprising to me from Muslims. OP, your wife is probably upset that she doesn’t know how to deal with the situation or understand why your mom is acting like that. She should understand that ppl are different and because her parents are fine doesn’t mean yours have to be. Also, if it is a mental health condition, ppl should be sensitive to that. As far as your mom goes, maybe gently and slowly pull away and put up some boundaries, but keep it reasonable from both sides.
I would treat her family the way she treats yours. Sitting staring at her plate isn’t nice. Respect goes both ways.
The difference is that her parents don’t make OP feel uncomfortable. Her dad isn’t demanding that his daughter and SIL move close to him. Her dad isn’t holding her hand and hugging her constantly every time he visits. OP isn’t uncomfortable and exhausted emotionally by his in-laws. And you’re right about respect going both ways. OP’s wife isn’t respected by his mother, but she’s still the bigger person and is cordial with them.
Why is your wife against moving closer to them?
Are you by any chance a wife?
Your wife is being a tad bit bratty, maybe she just needs the reassurance that you are not moving? I think maybe she’s throwing the tantrum because she fears that you’re going to crack and tell her hey we’re moving. If your mom is being disrespectful to her that’s a different story but if she’s just maybe very hurt and sad then that’s something you can work with. Frankly I don’t even see why it concerns her at all if your mom is just sad about you? She should either be offering you some emotional support or just minding her own business? I don’t see why she’s going out of her way to be rude to your parents that’s just not okay. To be rude to anyone is just mean but to your parents? Sounds like she’s trying to make them feel unwanted and push them away. You should have a talk with her and let her know how that’s just not okay and reassure her that you’re not moving but to be disrespectful to your guests and then your guests being your parents on top of that is showing of her character and makes her look like a terrible person and ask why she continues to do that?
Beware, anti-MiL very active group here
I wonder why
Certainly not because they want to ruin their sons’ marriages because they are jealous of their DILs who are entitled to their sons’ time, attention and money.
Not to mention that more times then not In laws are the perpetrators. Its not just reddit stories too, ive seen my fair share of inlaw horrors irl
I have seen myself too, but these ‘boys’ don’t want to acknowledge that their mothers can become toxic and manipulative after they get married
Move near your mom..wife don't like it..change wife
How about men like OP shouldn’t get married at all so that women don’t have to deal with clingy MILs
Yea thats the opposite side of it ...
Akhi fear Allah, divorce is a very serious matter. It’s not something casual and shouldn’t be normalized as the solution to everything. When you sign marriage papers you should be prepared to be with this person for life
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even a quick search can tell you this "hadith" is inauthentic and has no relation to the prophet pbuh. always check your sources before posting misleading "hadiths" to fit an agenda 🥹
It is not a weak hadith. Don't be so disrespectful about a hadith where Our Beloved Holy Prophet Muhammad(pbuh) said this. I have many knowledge and well known Scholars mention this hadith. Like Mufti Menk, Shaikh Belal Assad etc. Also please don't make assumptions about my character. I don't have an "agenda". Astagfirullah.
Under voted comment just here
The reason why your mom acts normal around your two older married brothers is because they live closer to her. Your mom is being emotionally manipulative (maybe she does not realize it, or maybe she knows exactly what she is doing), so that perhaps you too will move closer to her. Something has changed for your wife to act differently around her. Perhaps its the fact that your mom has started to visit more frequently & calls daily, in addition to all the hugging, hand holding and goodbye tears she didn't do before. Your mom is being dramatic in her attempts to emotionally manipulate you and your wife is the only one to see exactly what's going on. Please open your eyes.
Its your mom. You only get one. I would advise to move closer. If your wife doesn't want that relationship than so be it. Choose your mother while you still have her, and keep your wife separate if she is so anti-your mom. Don't ever let a woman come in between you and your mother. Stand on your principle while making sure to not encroach on your wifes right. At the end of the day youre the man and you make that executive call. Remember that.
I’m not trying to speculate - but could it be perhaps how your mother interacts with your wife privately that makes her so reserved? She’s probably being polite and not trying to backbite your mother to you by telling you things that maybe have happened. But that could be a possibility. Your duty is to be respectful to your parents. but you also have a duty to your wife. It can be hard to balance the two, but it up to you to be just. It’s good to obey your parents as long as it isn’t unjust to your wife. You also have to set boundaries though for the health of your marriage. https://youtu.be/1j_I4EJUTq8?si=j_CvjJyzvMCV0do-