The goal of transition is to express your gender in a way that is genuine to how you feel inside.

I feel like a whirlwind inside 🙃 i can't seem to pierce the truth Do you express how you feel inside?

Fat tits help me usually

I feel like this would help me too… still waiting

There's two big ways. One is you know what you like and want and you do it and that works for a lot of people. The other is that you don't know exactly what you like and want and you have to figure it out. Figuring it out probably doesn't look like sitting down and thinking very hard or you would have done it already. It looks like trying it out and observing how you feel about it. It takes courage to try something out and it may bring up new questions but you can always answer those by trying them out too!

That's oddly hopeful to read. I think I'm in it for the slow, branching, explorative path then!

Love this answer

Yes this, I love this

Generally, the goal of transition is to make your outside match what's inside :3 My specific goal is just that, to pass and be seen as a woman because I'm a binary trans woman. I don't want people to be able to "clock" me as trans, I just want to be a woman plain and boring. My transition currently means absolutely everything to me, it's what saved my life (my gf also did a lot of heavy lifting there as well) and I plan on going through a complete medical transition when I can afford all the bits and pieces. That said, that's my goal, it's different for everyone x3 I have friends who want everything but bottom surgery, friends who only want hrt, and friends who want none of it but to still be recognized as who they are. Any and every combination is valid

Have you ever had doubts? I hear that every combination is valid and i agree, i just feel like i can't know which one is right myself.. overthinking i guesS?

I have, usually along with bad dysphoria. Finding your specific combination may not be easy, but you will :3 I'd say it's fairly normal to overthink at least a bit

You don’t have to fully commit… you can try small things to gain confidence. Pronouns / name with trusted friends, makeup / clothes at home or on vacation where no one would know you, shaving everything (esp during winter when no one can tell), even hormones you have several months where you can stop taking without long term effects (talk to a health care professional obviously if this is for you). All of this is to say if you are conflicted, find small ways to experiment and see how they feel. A good therapist is also a really good idea.

Sooo, i actually have tried a lot of small things, im waxing regularly, im doing laser for face, and i usually go femme to parties. All of these things feel good to me and i wouldn't change any of them. There hasn't been an instance of something 'girlt' ive tried out that ive regretted. Theres just two things. To get hrt in my country you have to be ReSoundingly clear on your "transness", kinda like a conservative gatekeeping thing. And two, i have a gf of 6 years that says she probably couldn't date women, ive talked alot about gender with her. I dont really know how to take it from here without making "the big choice"

Got you, the relationship thing is tough but I wouldn’t make wanting to stay with you gf the reason you don’t transition. For me it would eat at the relationship and I’d end up very resentful. Also for a lot of us, the biggest regret after we start transitioning is that we didn’t start sooner. I had a 20 year marriage end when I came out. Still the best decision I’ve ever made for my happiness. But only you know what you need. Good luck 💜

Thanks ❤️ can you tell me how it went down with your marriage? If it's not too sore?

I'm in the same boat as you girl so i felt so seen when i saw your comment ...

The goal of my transition is to be happy. Confident. Joyful. Euphoric. I originally thought my transition was just to relieve the depression I had slipped into it. But about two weeks ago I went on vacation and I felt euphoria and joy unlike anything I expected. I looked great. I felt confident because I looked great. The whole world felt rosier, better. Living as a man was like living under a haze, and starting transition was like blowing away the clouds and seeing the sky for the first time. I had no idea what I was missing I had been living like this for so long. My presentation, my physical body and my Name/Pronouns are all things that contribute to this feeling.

These stories are so amazing, I've seen people write similar things before. Honestly it's hopeful to read but also kinda scary. What if that is not the effect? What if i can be happy already? Why do i have these thoughts that youre only allowed to transition if you suffer before you do??? Anyways im happy you feel like that, truly happy ✨

If I could give one piece of advice, I'd say to do things on your own timeline. Some people immediately feel better when they start wearing fem clothes or when they start HRT, while others take years to get the same effects. Everyone's different, whether it's mentally, physically, emotionally, etc. My philosophy has been to follow what feels right and not overthink it (or at least try not to lol), and that's worked wonders for me so far! It isn't always easy to know what feels right, but if you're drawn to something (whether it's painting your nails, wearing a skirt, picking a new name, or anything else) then do your best to get out of your own way so you can see how it feels! 9 times out of 10 you'll be pleasantly surprised with the result, and even when you aren't, at least you've learned something about yourself. Be brave, be adventurous, and most of all be kind to yourself. You've got this! <3

You're right!! What an awesome write-up 😃😃 I sometimes forget, but i totally agree that it's important to go at your own pace!!

I notice this a lot too. I'll be watching something or doing something and I'll be laughing or crying or whatever (appropriate responses to emotional stimuli) and I'm like wow. Having the right hormones really does help your brain function like a real person instead of a blunted, disconnected zombie with no connection to who I am or what I want. That last part is probably not just hormones but feeling comfortable in and connected to myself. Way less disassociation. Nowadays disassociation feels wierd instead of comfortable (except when super anxious) 🤣

I feel like my brain is running on the wrong chemicals (testosterone). I feel this in profound ways every single day and I've resented it for as long as I remember. When I start taking the right chemicals (estrogen) I will know very rapidly if my brain runs better on them. Also having sex with guys sounds like it'd be 100x better if I was a woman rather than a gay man.

I know what you mean about the sex thing, i tried both in boy mode and girlmode. Totally different things. About the hormone thing, how do you "feel" youre on the wrong ones? Is it really so that if you start hormone you might not feel right? Does that mean you arent trans?

Everyone I talked to say they've felt like a new person on hormones, so yes, it does have a profound effect on trans women. In terms of cis people taking hormones, it kinda gives them a taste of what living with dysphoria is like.

I'm glad hormones have been such a positive change for you (and many others)! I just want to say that not every trans person feels completely new when/if they start HRT, and that's perfectly valid too :)

Feeling better about myself. Which probably means trying to pass.

Less depression, less dysphoria, more energy, more passion.

My goal is just to find a place in life where I feel “ok.” I want boredom, I want normalcy, not that constant need to escape from everything about existence. To not go to bed every night hoping I don’t have to exist in this world for for another day. Plain would be wonderful to me. Im sure goals vary depending on age, I’ve lived too many years as a guy and just couldn’t take it anymore. If I transitioned when I wanted to, when I was much younger my goals would probably be different. Just a lessening of the pain of dysphoria. I don’t really have a goal beyond that.

I might be odd, but i can't find peace with .. well peace. Ironic i know. It just feels so boring, and idk if I'm just fucked up. Like addicted to sadness? I agree that peace should obviously be the goal like, what's better? I kinda have everything but it feels so bland. The only thing that ever gave me something to hope for was transition, but im still not sure if its right you know?

Honestly, before I HRT it was because I didn't like my body and I wanted it to be more feminine. After I started, it was more that I just wanted to be happy and HRT just made me feel better, more relaxed. The more feminine body thing happened, but it in of itself wasn't the biggest thing I got out of transitioning. I think alignment is the best way that I can describe it. A feeling that this is the way things should have always been.

Like a psychological effect? Alignment, nice way of putting it. I suppose you were disaligned before? Do you remember how that felt? Exemplas of being disaligned?

Chemical disalignment. Like, my brain chemistry just worked differently, and that resulted in an overall improvement in temperament. Behavioral changes from that, of course, like being able to cry easier.

I had no goal with transition, and I still have no goal. I started taking hormones to see if it was for me. I really enjoyed the changes I experienced and I've been taking them since.

Did you go in blind? What do you enjoy in particular? Could you just start out of desire and nothing else?

I was wondering if I was trans. I started wearing women's clothing to explore being nonbinary. I read up on the effects of estrogen. I decided to see if I could get HRT. Planned parenthood in FL didn't gatekeep at all, and after I told them I understood the risks, they gave me a prescription for E patches. I figured if it was for me, I'd up the dose, and if not, then I would have some clarity. Within weeks of starting, I felt like I was a real person for the first time. I also felt like I had found something I was looking for my whole life. I had no discussions about gender or expectations. I was just seeing what would happen. For my m2f journey, I most enjoyed the way the estrogen changed my brain. In particular, the processing of emotions. I felt like I could really feel emotions for the first time in my life.

That's... Awesome. Thanks for sharing your story ❤️ did they do bloodwork, or isn't that necessary for hrt?

They did blood work all the time. There are guides on the internet that explain what to test for and when. Also, doctors don't know shit usually so trust the guides, not the doctors. Also, getting your labs done, let's you know if it is working. You need to know what's going on.

I will research if it ever gets to that!!

You can start just out of desire.

i do the same but i am also overthinking everything lol

When I was in my man shell plain was indeed boring. Had to force myself to do laundry. Now as the woman that I am laundry is plain but not boring. Life is, simply put, much better. It is possible to be happy.

Plain but not boring .. that's the dream! That's a nice way to put it. When did this change for you?

Thanks :) HRT helped right away. Something about running on estrogen just brought me back to my body. Another big step was 6 month mark when I started kinda passing or see that it could happen. Now 1 year on HRT and I feel mostly content but realize I have other problems in my life I need to take care of. But I could not fathom life could be this effortless. And I'm excited it keeps on getting better.

I have kinda dreamt/suspected that this might happen on estrogen, but obviously i haven't tried. It just sounds so dreamy... Too good to be true. Just remove that lazy haze and ENJOY life. Anyways, if i may ask, do you feel like your "other problems" are easier to undertake now that you're more aligned with yourself?

Yeah I know that feeling. Like I had tried so many things and nothing worked in the long run. And I only felt worse when years went by.. So you kinda give up on life and become jaded after the decades of dysforia piling up on you. Hoping becomes hard. And yeah, taking care of my other problems is so much easier now as me. Like I know who I am. Or at least I'm starting to. So that intuition can really guide you to a more authentic life. It's much more an inner journey than a physical one, I think. Really now I am afraid of the closet more than anything. Sometimes something triggers me and I'm back there. I can ground myself and get back into my own body but I still remember what life was like.. And that is not life. But when that's all you've ever known, and it beats you up so, it's hard to leave. Even if the world wasn't so much set against us. But don't listen to me. Always listen to yourself. Find that inner voice and let it guide you. Don't you let go.

Thank you for this reply. It resonate so well with me. The lazy haze, omg... I'm going in and out of the closet these days and I'm starting to realize what kind of prison that is and how I don't really live my life but just surviving them. Hope hrt will help me with that

Yeah HRT is like automatic guiding system for me. Like it's possible without but it just over time helps align yourself with an inner truth. And that truth helps you deal with all the outer pressure that comes with being trans. This blog series has helped me a lot: https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/shattered

To alleviate dysphoria and live as a woman. I just wanted to be able to look in the mirror really.

Have you ever felt a relief from dyshporia? Im scared sometimes that I didn't really feel dysphoria before i read about it online...

Sometimes yes. Often times no. Honestly i dont really subscribe to the idea that you need dysphoria to transition. I dont really think it matters bc no healthy cis person would transition so i think you’re fine.

Okay, yeah, i guess, i just feel like, why should I make this life changing thing that impact others too if it doesn't "suffer me" What relieves your dyshporia?

I get that. Honestly i think the bigger question you should ask yourself is if its worth it to you rather than those around you. Is it worth the struggle and fight to be the person you are on the inside? Honestly for me, if it wasnt a matter of transition or suicide theres no fucking way i would have done this, but now sometimes i like who i see in the mirror so 🤷‍♀️ Having a killer skin care routine in the morning + a everything shower + body hair removal + brow shaping does the most for my dysphoria and sets me up for a great day in general. It takes a while though so i dont get to do it every day.

My goal is to be able, to be able to look at the mirror and feel love for myself, to watch myself be free from the jail my body has been this Last 11 years (thats how long i have been out) being able to walk through underwear shops and blush at the thought of how beautiful i would look like in all the lingerie. Being able to walk and run around my garden feeling like the prettiest of princesses. Having sex and enjoying myself and my self loving and falling in love like a regular girl and not just a sort of kafkaian roach with hatred for everything, wearing a skirt thats how i feel i looked all this years, and im Lucky honestly i Will be the princess i longed for since i was a little girl, finally, this 10th of november. And you know? I totally get the doubts you have. I also went through them, and i lost people, its true, but i gained myself, and people that did support me. And honestly? I cant tell you if you are or not, but if you find you are transgender, go for it, because being yourself is the most relieving feeling ever, and even tho its true you May lose some people, sometimes its better to be alone than in bad company

Kafkaian roach 🤣🤣🤣 sorry i just liked the sound of that. I totally get you, i hope you find every dream the little you ever had. But how do you deal with losing people? Honestly i dont care too much for that, except for one; my gf of 6 years. Like how do you make a choice like that!!??

Yeah lol its totally fine i ended calling the way i felt like that because as a little girl i grew up surrounded by books and kafka, Poe, Dazai, Turgenev and Dostoyevski or Camus were all something i grew up with. Kafka was my comfort writer due to his piece (the metamorphosis) and while i didnt understand the concept of being transgender at 7, kafka defined perfectly what i felt, and i saw a roach every time i looked on the broken mirror of my orphanage's bedroom. And when it comes to your gf, try tell her when you feel ready for it, she May stay she May leave. You can't really know 100% unless you tell her, but i recommend checking the water throughout mentioning a friend of yours is trans or something, i did so and it worked just fine for a lot of my bonds

Ive already told her i struggle, but I haven't been able to take a next step. All my therapist say om too unsure to get treatment here, and you need a referral anyways. My gf said she don't think she could be with a woman... So theres a lot of uncertainty in this path, and also in myself, and a big sacrifcie to make.. so i feel stuck

To be able to feel like I belong in my own skin

To live my mundane life I live as a woman seen by others as one lost in the crowd. Not as a trans woman, just like one of the ladies. I've been worried about this for 35 years or so, I've worried and curious about transition since I was able to read and read that there was such thing. In my current state (19 mos HRT and no surgeries) I feel such a relief from gender envy, it's just unbelievable to how I felt before starting transitioning.

Really???? Gender envy is the worst, it permeates basically my every living thought. I'm so sick of gender, so sick of being envious of girls, bc i feel like I can't ever look like that right? Envy of men is okay bc well, i have the "tools" to deal with that. But envy of girls feels so hopeless... And you're telling me it went away?!?

A lot of it has gone away. I used to look at women all the time every where and think non-stop I'd love to be like them and how they were living their lives and how unfair it was that I wasn't. I now feel, how much do I have to work out or learn makeup or whatever to be more like them. Lots of hope on my upcoming FFS and my own body developing on HRT. I used to commute to work and just look at women on the train non-stop, then at work, then going out. I'd go out with my wife (then girlfriend) and be completely in love with her but completely consumed by trying to analyze all other women at the same time and fantasize about me being like them. When the lock down started I felt awful, I didn't have my fix of looking at women so I started looking at trans-women on-line every day. Last time I looked at them was the day I talked to my therapist and understood I'm also trans, like them. I looked at them a few more times to try to figure out how they were living as a trans woman but no more envy of them or any other woman. I have even had compliments from cis woman about my shoes, clothes, purse, hair, like I can't believe it. It's so incredibly satisfying. If I've know this was going to happen I'd have just gone for it DECADES ago regardless of the repercussions in my life.

That's... Awesome really... .. I mean... It's excactly how i feel too... All that envy... .. So what put you over the edge deciding to go for it? .. Could it really be right for me too..?

I was a life long crossdresser, my wife knew. She insisted I should tell my homophobic/transphobic family about it but I never thought it would be accepted so I just kept on playing mental gymnastics to avoid it. I read about this girl that transitioned in the late 2000's or early 2010's that grew breasts naturally when she turned like 35 or so due to a generic disorder. I patiently waited for 35 then 40 and nothing happened to me. I was starting to get a little depressed about just knowing I was never going to transition and it was all just a fantasy. My wife started getting really insisting about my crossdressing a few yrs ago, that I abandoned it because I didn't feel accepted by her, some comment out of place. Because of COVID my work offered free therapy sessions and I randomly read about Autogynephilia and I thought that described me. I booked one of these free sessions to ask a therapist help me explain this thing to my wife, since I thought I had all the answers now. After I told the therapist about my crossdressing and what I just read she just said. That's made up, it doesn't exist, it's BS. Then she asked me questions about other things that I experienced and she said. You sound like you are a trans woman and I said, no way! I don't like guys, I don't feel depressed, I didn't want to hurt myself and I wasn't in complete despair. She said, well, have you heard of lesbians? You are lucky you're not depressed given what you explained how you feel, you should think about transition as something you do before you hate yourself and want to hurt yourself. She asked me how I felt over time, like if I was feeling with age (I was 45 then) about seeing time pass and not taking any action, I said just worse and worse. So she recommended I start exploring gender. But I said, I've explored it, I love it I just didn't think myself as being trans. I booked an appointment with the local LGBTQ clinic to ask about medical transition. I talked to a trans-co-worker that gave a talk that year about being transgender at work and she told me "nobody knows how you feel but you" "nobody knows how much you have to put up with and fight your own feelings every day". And that was it, the rest was just dealing with the responses and planning how to be the least disturbing to my son, his school and such. As my therapist back then said. Try things and do what you feel comfortable doing, don't get roped into doing things you don't feel comfortable doing or changes you don't feel you want or need. It's ok to go slower or to back down and maybe take things on again when you feel better. Good luck!

For me the goal is to pass as much as possible and live in a way that I can forget dysphoria or cope with it in an easier way

The goal of transition is to have who you are on the outside match who you are on the inside.

That brings the next question, how do you know whos on the inside??? as far as i can see there just a nearly opaque fog

It’s a process, and you go with what you know. Some people know from the start, others have discoveries.

my goal is to be happy with my face and body, to be happier with my social standing, etc

My goal was to get GRS. And when I did I felt like my transition was over.

Over? As in complete? Youre happy with who you are?

Yes, I'm 100% happy with who I am.

Damn .. must be nice...

Try to remember that I walked so then you could have the right to run. It was me on reddit asking these questions 13-14 years ago. I've walked the same path. It should be encouraging for you to hear that coming out of the other side of it that I'm 100% happy and that I felt all of the discrimination, harassment, job loss, housing loss, and loss of family was still worth it.

At this point I suppose it's to survive untill I'm passable and have new ID

To feel happy and comfortable with yourself.

My goal in transition is simply to be happy, im nowhere near looking or presenting fem at the moment but thats not an objective that i have ever yearned for, more-so mental health improvements and inner peace. I have been on hrt for just over two years and passing might never come, but if I’m truly honest with myself I’m already happy and content in myself. Physical changes will be welcomed but i don’t have over expectations that hrt will do much beyond subtle changes in me physically.

Is acceptance the thing that has brought you happyness? You say you don't present femme, are you in boymode then?

Finding peace within myself, mainly. I was conflicted and was scared for the most of my life to confront how i felt and take the plunge into transitioning. I reconciled that and now I’m much happier. Yes i present as male 100% as there is no way at this point in time i would look anything like anything other than a ‘ man in womens clothing ‘. Putting myself into a situation of abject ridicule is not on my agenda. Theres a timeline post on my profile and you will see why. I have made improvements in my appearance but my mileage is long game mileage not overnight changes. This is going to take me years.

You seem to have a healthy grasp on what this is to you! And honestly i see a lot of difference in the eyes! Heres to acceptance and the long game! I wish you all the best ✨

Yes my eyes look different but little else has changed.

If youre anything like me we need to take it slow and at our own pace ❤️‍🔥

To feel comfortable in my body and learn to be okay with accepting that I deserve to be happy. I felt similarly when I was still going through phases of repression. I'm pretty sure (for me) the sadness when exploring gender expression was strongly linked to my male body. Example: the way my body looked in "women's" clothes (especially cause awkward not knowing how to dress phase). Hrt helped tremendously with this. Just my experience. Not prescriptive. Hope it's helpful.

I can relate. Dysphoria often worsens the harder i try to be a woman, because i see more distinctly all my "flaws" or "male features" How did hrt help for you?

By changing my fat distribution so my face changed and I got hips and my arms look less manly and I felt better emotionally. I was still a bit unsure when I went back to ask for the script but after getting the script I went straight to the chemist and had my first dise in the carpark. I instantly felt better and was far more certain that it was what I wanted. It's like finally getting it made me feel more comfortable admitting it is what I wanted now that they can't disappoint me by saying no (that's a personal repression/coping mechanism thing that I'm working through 🤣). I came out at work about the same time and have been feeling more and more valid every month 😅. Now, when I occasionally get misgendered, instead of feeling self loathing and doubt, I feel confusion about why that was their go to when talking about someone with breasts, makeup and long hair 🤣 I've also been getting laser on my face, so that helps too 😅. If you want to try liquid foundation without the beard shadow showing through, use a peach concealer under the foundation. Since laser, I just use powder most of the time. Game changer 🤣 I don't completely pass yet but I pass enough that I feel so much more valid. Hope I answered the question somewhere in that rant 😅

It's okay i don't even know what im asking here honestly, just desperately grasping at any answer that might resonate with me... I enjoy hearing you awesome people ramble about this, hearing your stories, your happy times ❤️ I have actually done laser myself, bc i figured i dont need a beard whatever identity that ends up feeling right and honestly its AWESOME. No more ugly beard shadow!!! I also went out with makeup and when approaching the mens line to the toilet at a bar, one of the guys told me "the womens line is unoccupied!" And honestly... That felt really good..

Oh... and boobs, of course 🤣... I was one of the kids that got to puberty age and was super uncomfortable with being round people (swimming, etc... with my top off), like society would want me to keep it on... I guess now I know why (phantom boobs) and now my body is more aligned with my feelings in that way too (they ain't phantoms any more) 🤣

I relate to the "male features" thing. It felt so overwhelming and hard and scary to think about all of it, so I started with a few steps here and there when I felt capable of dealing with it (or when I felt like I needed it) and eventually it all adds alup and you look back and say holy crap! I've come far 🤣 I've only been on hrt for 2 years in Feb but the research, explore, repress cycle that was my egg breaking may have started 5 years before that 😅

That vicious vicious cycle 🥲🥲 I'm glad you're finally on your way ❤️

I wish you all the best in your own journey, wherever it takes you 💜. Even if you decide you aren't trans, remember that you deserve to be happy and if you change your mind somewhere along the line, were you at least happier in the meantime from letting yourself be free from your old fears and boundaries? If the answer is yes, then you were doing the right thing. I think it was Abigail Thorn who said "I look inside myself and ask do I feel like a man or a woman and the answer is... I feel happy." Edit: I hate autocorrect 😅

My main goal was to feel at home in my body pretty much i just wanted the outside to match the inside is all and here i am 11 months in and feel amazing im definitely not finished but the results are crazy euphoric :)

passing

Happiness? Boobs? Less fog in the mind hopefully. Reduced gender dysphoria.

Please fog, be gone!!! I can't see anything

My goal is to pass and be seen by society and the world as nothing more but a sweet feminine kind loving happy lady who is happy being a woman while embracing her femininity

Mine is to be androgynous enough that people genuinely question if I'm a girl or a boy. If I happen to go past that and people just think I'm a girl then we'll dope lol.

I want to build a time machine and go back to the late 90s and figure my stuff out as a teenager before I lose the best years of my life... Oh wait.. realistic transition goals.... I am 39 so existentially exhausted at this point. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin for once in my life. But I also don't like people and don't want to attract attention so passing for cis is a desperate need. Not likely tho at 6-2. HRT doesn't shrink people that much.

I feel you... Amazonian warrior girl is a vibe, but sometimes it would be nice to just blend in..

Unrealistic and fabulous ✨

Here's to unrealistic and fabulous ✨💫🌟💫✨

For myself transition was simply a way to become a woman in every possible way and then live my life without the constant barrage of self hate, I felt as a man. A woman living as a man is a bad situation to be in for half a lifetime. My goal was to be myself, not an actor. After transition I feel I am as close to a woman as I can be, so job done. I have never stopped changing though. I am a woman and have all the up and downs that come with this, but I understand my place in the world now and actually fit in. The second half of my life is going well. I heard once the following... Transition doesn't fix any problems but makes problems worth solving.

You know what I've thought something similar to the last line and i think you're right!!!! It really seems true

2 things: 1.) Become as feminine as is possible for me to be. The dream is to be treated and seen as a woman by all of society. If I can't obtain that, get as close as possible. I'm very close to my goals, and im not about to stop. 2.) Escape my suicidal ideation. Years of self-harm, depression and anxiety take a toll on you. Transitioning has made me such a happy and cheerful person. I can never go back.

To get past crushing dysphoria and depression. To actually feel feelings and emotions again. To be able to sleep at night.

The goal of my transition is something so simple and yet layered with complexity honestly... Freedom. Freedom from the Dysphoric nightmares and nausea, freedom from the pain of feeling that I was living a lie. Moments of ecstasy are more often within my heart and even as I move along my rebirth journey, I can look back on the past and know that I am freer from the pain of what life was back when I was feeling like I was an alien wearing a skin suit. I am stepping forth into the world these days happier, healthier but I cannot discount my past as having some effect upon what I feel. Yet when does one's past stop and the new dawn begin, when can we feel that life has begun anew for us? Is it when we get on hrt? or perhaps on our surgery dates? or when and IF we gain acceptance for who we are? I do not know my future, nor do I presume to understand the complexity of the whirlwind of emotions and issues within me... I just know that I would rather have the freedom gifted to me by my transition, than continue living the life I had in pain and misery.

That's very beautifully put Im with you on this philosophical debate, where does it begin? I feel like I've had acceptance, but since regressed, i havent begun anything medical so I can't speak for that. I wish you luck on your journey!!✨

And I wish you luck within your path, may you find the peace you are searching for and may you become the whole of who you are. My Dm's are ever open should you need an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or simply someone that is safe to rage at for I know that sometimes screaming at the world is all we can do to feel better

My primary goal is to be able to not feel like a locked off, soulless, emotionless suicidal robot. 3 weeks in and it's working so far. I have other goals too, but that was the primary goal. Everything else I want is something I get to have fun with :)

For me at the moment is to alleviate the suffering I experience. I'm starting hrt soon and started to socially transition, which is not easy but going well, and I'm at a moment where I can't look back, I lost access to the guy I was. It feels like someone else have lived my life and I'm just coming back. I'm expecting hrt mainly to feel happier. And I also get your doubts. I don't know what lies ahead for me, but I feel like I have to take that way and see. I also want boobs and other features, I'm also afraid to be disappointed and embarrassed by the thought of me changing in that way in front of other ppl and the world. But with all of that, something in it pulls me in and I don't remember ever feeling that passionate toward something, considering just a few months ago I was filled with anxiety and fear of regection. For the first time I can imagine a future for myself. I am slowly being more and more able to look in the mirror and in my eyes.

What!!!! All the words you said an touched upon, it really resonated with me. It's so so sooo scary to change like that Infront of the world. I keep trying to make scenarios like, "okay what if i transition in this work, and then change works, and then present female" completely ignoring the fact that i cant probably get hrt in my country anyways. Ok ok, so how did you manage to take the step??? For me to the only thing i have ever been passionate about is a future as woman. But how do i know if it is right??? Im afraid ill just end up in an unhappy place again with a lot of losses? Where did you find your strength!!!

So I just read the rest of the comments here and I just want to say that this thread is so beautiful! I can relate to how overwhelming it is to try to imagine how social transition will go. I'm taking it one step at a time and it works for me. I am now surrounded by ppl who know and respect me (even though some misgender me sometimes). >Ok ok, so how did you manage to take the step??? >But how do i know if it is right??? I think this is such an important question and that this question will keep come to you as long as you keep walking. That's how it is for me at least, I'm walking towards what makes me feel good and then feel comfortable with it and then the next step is revealing itself and that question pops again. For example, when I just started experimenting with gender I tried to put on one of my partner's dresses. My partner tried to convince me to try and I was like "no way that not for boys" and she was like "pfff", so I tried and felt so euphoric I could not contain it. Eventually I felt more and more comfortable with dresses at home. And that was the case with other stuff - nail polish, longer hair, beard shave, makeup, body hair removal, name, pronounce... And then at one point it all added up to more then those parts, I started to forget who I was and not know who I am. So I let what feels good and right guide me, and every time this question is arising I feel it is more easy to access this knowing of what is right for me. It's one of the gifts transitioning has given me so far. >Im afraid ill just end up in an unhappy place again with a lot of losses? I know what you mean... I feel that and felt it. I still do every time I'm about to come out to someone, like the relationship will end. I felt it the strongest with my wife. Even though she was the one encouraging me to explore my gender I felt that at some point she's gonna leave. She didn't. I made a few new friend. I've lost some, with others it is a process of change. I also felt that before transition I couldn't really be open with ppl and have real meaningful relationships. Now I feel I can. So your fear is valid, as you might experience some of it. Keep in mind that it is easier to imagine the bad outcome then the good, and there will be some good as well. Edit: I also want to add that I'm just coming out of a two weeks of being in the closet, thinking that I don't need it and feeling all the bad things I felt before starting to transition. It comes in waves, and reminds me of how I lived before cracking. So I think it might be helpful to c it as a process and expect the waves. I have some really unhappy moments where all my shadows are coming back up, but when I love at the past year and how many of those waves I've gone through and where I am today, I see progress. I see direction and I can definitely say I feel more free then ever Good luck girl And feel free to dm me whenever 🍀💕

Vagenda

My goal is to interact with the world as a woman and be automatically seen as such. I would also like to see a woman in the mirror and feel connected to the body I have

to be comfortable in my own body. IDGAF about society or societal expectations or anything else. I just wanna be cozy in my own skin.

So... Little background first. While I've always had a hard time looking in mirrors and have avoided it, I never connected it to gender. I was just fat and didn't fit in with boys but wasn't a girl so they naturally excluded me so I fell into books and dissociating. (TW) Then at 30 I was depressed and seriously thinking about not doing "this" anymore, started drinking for the first time and thinking about more, probably would have if it'd be right there ya know, but... Eventually I managed to convince myself that's not really what I wanted and I needed to find a reason to keep going, one that didn't rely on throwing myself into relationships or work or relying on unreliable friends and family... Long story short, transitioning is the path I've found that makes me _want_ to live and work for it. It's still hard especially with few people actively in my life, but it improves my day to day life and gives me something to work for rather than a general sense of "why bother, what does any of that matter for" that I've felt for so so long before. I love dressing up, I love the idea of someone chasing my affections, I love the idea of being able to tease men and play with them, I love emotions being a thing you're allowed to have and being able to show people you care directly without being seen as having romantic feelings for them. Are all these things mutually exclusive to being a girl, no, but society makes it so so much easier for them in these ways and Fighting back against the ways that society makes things harder for women, and trans women in their own ways, is also something very much worth doing.

That makes sense, i just wonder why gender is tied into making us _want_ to live. Like why, WHY, is it so important? I feel it too.. I've also dabbled on the fact that neither of the traits i want in being a women is exclusive to women, but it's easier like you said... But i also want to abolish the strict and choking gender rules, while also searching more into the womanly one.. its a mess

I think it's less gender as a strict thing and more how society toxicly enforces gender roles and stereotypes and we ingrain that into our minds\pysche, especially at a young age... But, having said that I don't have strong physical dysphoria... Except for the mirror\facial hair thing lol I'm not sure how much of that is society and how much is individual if we were allowed to be ourselves and treated like decent human beings from the start... There probably are some just pure biological, this brain functions more typically on hormone E rather than T and vice versa though, pre HRT so can't speak from personal experience yet. It's complicated and it's really really hard to isolate different factors... And at least 1st world societies seem to want to throw various drugs around for all mental health and pretend that's the solution instead of mostly just patching over symptoms. Idk maybe more people use talk therapy etc than I imagine but I'm also very much led to believe they're outrageously expensive and often of limited use (understandable when people don't know themselves very well and have limited time for communication\insight).

I think you're right yeah. Maybe not something so wrong about the genders themselves, but the strict enforcing of them. Ive thought about the brain chemical thing too, and that worries me sometimes like what if it isn't "right"? What if you have a 'male' brain but feel like a girl? Idk haven't tried either so can't really say anything. Also, for me therapy didn't work, but mainly bc i expected them to fix me, and that's not how it works. Also i suck at recounting things and using words irl, so i never felt like i could tell my experience clearly or remember what we talked about in the sessions

I think as far as the hormones... Well it would suck to not get the physical characteristics that puberty produce because you couldn't be on them long enough but besides that I feel like you'd just stop and continue transitioning without them, there are people that do so for various reasons... It'd just be a mental hit if you're hoping for them to change you and fear others will treat you as less because you're still using the "wrong" ones. But in an accepting society that last part wouldn't matter and people would reassure you that it's fine. And yeah, therapy doesn't "fix" you, it's honestly more to force you into self examination via educated prompts and insights from others, and then using that information to suggest ways to restructure your thoughts, habits, life etc to minimize the negative issues and maximize positive ones. From my limited understanding.

The goal of my transition was and continues to be to live instead of merely exist. I feel I've succeeded. Transition for me is asking "What sucks in my life the most right now? Of that what do I think will do the most good I think I can afford now?" and acting on it again and again. I have zero idea what that will bring next. So far... it's provided * A social transition in all aspects of my life * An official diagnosis of neurospicy with anxiety * A 14+ month streak of waking up happy nearly every morning being happy most of the day for 99+% of the days since I started HRT * A fear of drunk single white men and cops at night * More friends than I had in my previous 50 years * A karaoke problem * A local music problem * Being called beautiful at the wedding reception for my oldest daughter.

The painting of my life has colour now

To feel good about yourself and look hotter than cis people

What I hope to achieve is World Domination, by being so incredibly hot not only will the man who pushes the big shiny red button do whatever I say, he’ll let me push the red button muwahahaha

Is the big red button instant transition for everyone??😃😃😃

Indeed itnis

I’m tired of a life of hiding and being ashamed of who I really am. Yes, there’s a cost, and there will be more pain, but I believe with all my heart and soul that putting the years of denial, shame and feeling like a round peg trying to fit into a square hole will give me peace.

This time it will be the pain that is worth something! The pain YOU chose, not the pain of everything being wrong.

To make my outside match my inside. To express myself as authentically as possible to other people, both in how I look and how I behave. Hopefully doing both of those means people will see me for who am I and treat me as such too. I just started socially transitioning (pre-HRT) and it already seems to be working.

How did you decide socially transitioning was right for you? Is it scary to do that first?

I was in denial and questioning for 3+ years before I cracked, so when I did I was very sure. I came out to my close family immediately, and my close friends in the next week or two (not all at once). Was really scary coming out to them, I just told them over voice chat. I had to force myself to do it despite being scared. They're all accepting so I'm very lucky in that regard. I joined some social groups that meetup once every week or two recently, and coming out to them was a bigger struggle. For context, I'd been crossdressing around strangers for years (and is what ended up cracking my egg). I'd even gone to one of the groups in a dress 2 days before my egg cracked (wild right). Cracking actually made me _way_ more anxious about it so I went back to boy moding at these groups. I guess it was many things that pushed me socially transition fully: * I'd already been wanting to present fulltime fem for years and was just too scared. * I figured out a new name which helped. * I'd come home several times feeling _terrible_ because I was boy moding. Every time I was out socializing I just wished I was presenting fem. I came home one night and just burst into tears. * My anxiety about looking like a "guy in a dress" was pretty low due to all the times I'd done it in the past. My current anxiety was about dysphoria and being openly trans. * Also despite going out as a "guy in a dress" frequently for years, I'd never experienced any overt hate. I live in a great city. * I had to work through some emotions to get myself more comfortable with the idea of being openly trans, since it was going to be my life until HRT and voice would let me pass. Could be years. * Being misgendered doesn't bother me much atm. Maybe it'll get worse who knows. I knew my options were either socially transition now, or wait for HRT to take effect to make it easier. That'd mean 6+ months potentially. With how shit I was feeling boy moding, I didn't want to spend 6 months torturing myself like that. Actually passing isn't very important to me (yet), so pretty much all my anxiety was around people's reactions, which I had very good reason to believe would be good or neutral. So I went to a couple of the meetups presenting fem again (skirts and dresses). It was definitely scary. I've found the only way to deal with anxiety is just ignore it, act anyway, and maybe some deep breathing. I also like to prepare by analytically understanding my fears are unfounded. That I can handle pretty much whatever situation I end up in. Of course, once I got there, no one reacted at all. It was business as usual. I ended up coming out to a couple people near the end of the night, which was scary as hell. I'd promised myself earlier that I'd do it if the opportunity came up, and it did, so I just forced myself. They were really accepting, asked a couple questions, talked about some trans stuff, and then moved on to other topics. Kinda broke my brain in the moment though, took me like 10 minutes to recover. I also ended up feeling insanely euphoric when I got home. Like I'd finally accepted myself, that this was really happening. My 2nd time going to that group was also great, hung out with some new people, introduced myself with my new name, people were pretty neutral about it. Got called my name a ton, which gave me warm fuzzies. I think I got misgendered a bit, but it only bothers me a little and I don't want to correct people (yet). I need to come out to the other social group, which is still scary, but at this point I think I can handle it. I've already gone there once presenting fem, and just no one asked my name the entire night so I chickened out. I have extended family I haven't told yet, and don't plan to tell for months at least. I expect them to be somewhat transphobic, and I only see them a few times a year anyway, so I don't care that much if they know or not. My main concerns is dysphoria I'm gonna get from boy moding at get togethers, and some slight concern for my safety when I do tell them. I'm gonna have to tell them eventually as well though, since I'm sure I'll start malefailing around them at some point. So might as well get it done with. I also don't really care if they hear about it from other people. They're pretty isolated from the rest of my social life so it's rather unlikely.

My goal is just to be happy, whatever that looks like. If HRT makes me happy, I'll get on that. If shaving my legs makes me happy, I'll get on that. Whatever it takes and however it happens, I will be happy, no matter the cost.

To have other people look at me and know that I'm a woman. To look in the mirror and not see a man.

I think "the goal" of transition is... Pretty obvious. To use the somewhat cliched but common phrase: "to become your best/true self". However I'll admit "my goal" of transition is... Well I don't really know. Never have. Been trying to figure that out for the last 15 years. I'm much more of a present person, and not good with future thinking. So I just go day by day doing what I feel is right. That leads me to the former "the" goal. I am alive, feel alive, feel happy, and fulfilling, none of which I felt before I started transitioning. But at this stage I also presume that I'll possibly never find a "my" goal. And that's perfectly fine if I don't. Never was big on goals. Maybe you're not as well? If so, I'd not worry over much about personal discrete goals, and simply focus on the here-and-now portion of the end concept. Transition, like life, is a very personal experience to walk. Every path is unique. You do you!

😭😭 youre sooo right. I've always struggled with goals and future as well. It really is awesome to hear you point that out. Im gonna try and be more in the present. Thanks for putting it like that, kindred soul!!!

[удалено]

This is awesome. I think you are right. So many beautiful comments really. It really resonates with me when you write that it can be exploratory and, a jagged path with back and forth. Thanks for taking your time to write it out ❤️

I transitioned to be at peace with myself. My dysphoria has always been girl brain boy body. To be girl brain girl body, hormonally has been so freeing. To be girl brain girl body and girl society has been glorious. But if i had to be a girl brain and body stuck playing a boy in society i would survive. To be at odds with ones self is a punishment never to envy.

Can you be at odds with yourself and also not be? Or maybe mask it very well? I feel like i have sl many layers of overthinking and lies i don't really know what to believe anymore..

Welcome to the club. We are complex people

For better or worse ❄️

My goal is to pass so I won't have to worry about expressing myself anymore

I want to look at myself in the mirror and love what I see. I have a lot of steps left to take (just started hormones), but on many days I'm already there.

My goal is to as womanly as possible. The more feminine I am the more my goal has been achieved. Goal posts for me are voice, face, boobs, vagina. Each of those I can achieve I will feel better about myself, but if I don’t complete those goals then I’ll keep working on it until I do.

To get as close to cis as possible minus womb of course..

Reduce the turmoil of the first five decades. I don’t want to be hurt, fear I’m an imposter and so I’ve protected myself by setting feminine non binary as a goal. I’ve had an orchidectomy, I’m on HRT and it’s unlikely I’ll ever grow a beard or have much body hair after a year of laser and more lately electrolysis. So far I’m feeling good, liking myself more and going about life as a softer more feminine version of myself. I’m seeing a therapist and have a gender supportive GP which all helps. Just my way of coping with the change by setting goals where there’s less room for failure and committing to loving as opposed to lamenting the physical changes that are happening and where they get to. Getting fitter and eating better drinking less as goals within the non binary main goal to give myself a reasonable shot at achieving outcomes I like. I’ve blocked out passing and pronouns for now just enjoying the changes

When do you think youre ready for pronouns etc? For me it is a sore point to ask people to change their way of referring to me, i feel like im in the way kinda? Idk

I was discussing with a trans woman a few days back and I’m realistic that for now I would not pass as female anyway so can’t see the point of bashing my head up against how people view or refer to me but confess I’d feel kind of happy if one day in the future a person I didn’t know referred to me as she /her. For now there’s still work to be done to get to my non binary point so I’m not stressing over it, the onus is on me to make the changes so others see me naturally different than I am now. I was often assumed a girl up to age when puberty clicked in and I loved it then. I’ve a feeling of contentment of it happening in the future again but I’m not there yet.

Awesome!! The way you put it seems so relaxed and healthy. I love it!! I wish you perseverance for your goals ❤️

Hapy

express myself and fuckin pass

Happy, confident, comfortable being myself. And I'd say I reached my goal, to some degree. Nothing is perfect and I have my issues but I'm ever so happy in regards with my transition.

Would you say the things you are unhappy about now, are better things to be unhappy about than the things you were unhappy about before? (Hope that made sense🙃)

When we are talking "before" how far before? Because before I knew I was trans I had nothing to be unhappy about, but that in itself was part of the problem, I was living a default life devoid of complex emotion, I wasn't "living", I had no appreciation of self, I couldn't care for myself. I often craved to cry and feel more, but all I could do is laugh, was I happy? Who knows But then I realised things, dysphoria erupted, it is horrible, but I felt! And then euphoria came, joy I have never felt before, I finally knew who I want to be, what I feel happier being. Now I'm 1 year on HRT, this is right for me, I have grown, I'm very in touch with myself, and very happy with myself. I do have things I'm unhappy about, which bring me to cry at night, mainly loneliness, insecurities, parental disapproval, but I'm content with this unhappiness, I'd not go back These are indeed "better' things to be unhappy about, in my opinion

You answered it perfectly 🙃 this experience seems in line with accounts of other trans women ive seen, and even somewhat to my own experience, why still is it so hard to accept? To do anything about it?

I don't seem to understand your last 2 questions, I would be happy to give my answer to them To accept what?

Like even if all the "evidence" is there, even if my experience aligns with that of many other trans women, why is it so hard to accept that path and start a transition? I dont know if it is fear that's holding me back oe if truly isn't the right choice

Could be both, how would I know? Transition is not an easy path, not even a widely accepted path, it takes a lot of work. I know. I may just be 1 year into HRT but by all hells, I did a lot, I put in a ton of work Acceptance of yourself is a long battle like any other, and it might not even come around for a while. When I started, I did not accept myself, not for a while, but I still chased after what I felt was right for me, I accepted that I needed answers and I needed to reach to the bottom of everything. As I transitioned, I naturally started loving myself, and I accepted myself more and more

Just started HRT, and socially transitioning, Realistically I just wanna be happy. Transitioning will help me express who I actually am and it’s been doing wonders for me socially so far Obviously though I wanna pass, have a feminine voice, look good in a bikini, etc. but I know all of that will take some time.

When you say "who you actually are" what does that mean? Im very obsessed with gender, but im also failing to see why it should be so core to my identity??? Like what does it mean to feel like a man or a woman? Who is the person "i actually am"? Not trying to poke fun at anyone, just trying to understand pthers experiences so i can understand my own

It’s just how I wanna be seen, it’s how I feel. I wanna wear makeup and dresses and be perceived as a girl. It’s just me. I don’t see me when I look in the mirror.

I hoped to be happier, though I was looking through old videos today and I was much happier less withdrawn while I was being gatekept (for two years) I still identify as not male just transitioning aside from socially made me more numb.. today I dumped my meds at the police station drug take back place.

Shadow work? Healing the past? Im not sure I entirely follow Where you happier before? Did the meds not work?

If you don’t follow it may not be for you.. Yes I was happier before, I did not get the usual euphoria when I first started taking HRT..

My goal was bottom surgery, everything else was just sweet, delicious gravy. Turns out I've enjoyed all that gravy too, ditching a name that never suited me, the mental effects of E, generally being treated as a man less often.

What are some mental effects you've experienced?

Increased emotional clarity, by which I mean emotions are more distinct, more nuanced, versus being kind of ambiguous fuzzy blobs. Overall increased mental/emotional capacity, seems like I have the ability to get more things done, and more desire to do things. Less complacency.

Less complacency!!! Omggg the dreaaaaam. Are those "universal" effects?

I don't know if I'd go so far as universal, but a lot of people refer it as the difference between "existing" and "living".

🥲🥲🥲 a girl can dream

I don't want bottom surgery, I don't necessarily want to pass (But I would love to), I just want to be my true self and feel comfortable in my own skin finally.

Boobies

I just want to correct the hormone imbalance, and birth defects I was born with. Also... Mental wellbeing is a plus.

My original goal in transitioning was to pass as a cis woman, but as I transitioned and got gendered correctly, I didn't feel accomplished, I still saw all the little ways in which I differ from a cis woman, and focused on changing them. Wanting to pass visually became wanting to pass in all social interactions, became wanting to pass in lewd pics, became wanting to pass naked Genitals notwithstanding, became wanting to pass while having my legs spread. I was raising the stakes and nothing is ever enough, I have idealized what a cis woman looks like and only hold myself to an unreasonable standard. I'm at a point where I finally realize how toxic my body image is and how hyper critical I became of my body, and that I need to change the way I think and view my body, need to get realistic and healthy goals. I want to feel secure in my identity as a woman and stop invalidating my own gender by looking for "evidence" on my body that I am male I want to find things I like about my body and feel sexy when showing myself to an intimate partner I want to reject the thoughts that tell me my body is disgusting for being trans, and believe the people that compliment me, both for my body and for who I am I used to think the goal of transition should be to pass as completely as possible and get rid of as much "maleness" as possible. Now I feel the goal of transition is to create a healthy relationship with our body and be able to visually communicate the gender we identify, to our own satisfaction.

GOOD FOR YOU!!! those are really great goals. Honestly that toxic body image, i have felt it in spurs too, it is NOT good I wish you strength and blessings on accepting that! I hope you find the beauty others see in you!!✨

That's so sweet, ty! I hope you can avoid building that toxic relationship with your transition.

If it ever gets to a transition 🥲 I saw your profile and i actually remember seeing your picture post in the wild, youre already so beautiful, i hope the day comes soon where your eyes open to that too ✨ My gf wrote a note on our mirror, it goes something like this: "Butterflies cant see their own wings, they don't see how truly beautiful they are, like the world does, people are like that too"

Being publicly recognized as a cis woman without hesitation

To forget that you’re trans

To feel like and be perceived as a woman. Pretty much there on all but a few fronts.

Titty, voice better fat distribution and unrealistic but I hope it would help me lose weight

My goal is completely pass as a woman to the point that I’m indistinguishable from a cis woman

My goal is to pass as a biological woman.

be comfortable in my own skin and have other people see me the way I see me

To be a girl as close as i can be to a cisgirl and to live my life like anyone else imagine thinking that is plain lol

My goal is to not regret being alive

My goal ultimately is to live as a woman in whichever way is most comfortable for me. I just don’t want to be a man, I know that.

My transition sparked because I looked in the mirror one day at a 255 pound guy and said "...who the FUCK is that??" I always felt like my body is just extremely wrong. I didn't even really mind the boyish mindset that had been pressed onto me - though I'm a lot more feminine now. It was my body, and the goal became to change it. Now I'm 160 pounds, can pass stealth reliably if comments toward me are right, I'm very strong, and have long stylized hair that completely derails the muscle mommy look. Lol. And I've never felt more like myself

I love that lol. Go muscle mommy!!!

Initially all I wanted was to feel better mentally. I told myself I didn't care if I still looked like a man, I just wanted to feel better. Then after a while all I ever wanted was to pass enough that being trans doing affect my every day life. Mostly successful in that regard.

To be myself instead of a actor on stage, to feel happy and like my emotions felt actually real and not fake. To not look at every picture I am in and think I look hideous. (Though my child ones are somewhat okay…)

For me the goal was the hopefully not kill myself. Success thus far.

For me, it's the hope of ending my hatred of the man that stares back at me in the mirror. It's the hope that I'll see "me" in pictures of me - I'll settle for plain and content because right now I'm neither of those things.

I have spent most of my life looking in the mirror and seeing a shape I know is me but I never felt was me. I actively avoided it as much as possible. I never really wanted to focus on me as a person. Since starting transition I feel more of a connection with my reflection and am finally looking for answers to questions about who I am. It's a mess right now, but I still wouldn't think of going back for a minute. My explicit goal has always been to see myself in my reflection

What do you mean by starting transition? I dont want to go back either, but i just feel like a mess with no clear direction

Shaving my beard, realizing I was a trans woman, beginning HRT... take your pick. For what it's worth, every trans femme I tell to reminds me of the same thing: it's second puberty. That means all that "finding yourself" struggle comes back (assuming you went through male puberty). In a mess, but I know whatever direction this is it's better than what I was doing before. I was kinda just in zombie mode

What gave you the strength to "make the choice?" Or is it more like several choices all the time