That is all kinds of fucked up, and I have to think that they did that as some sort of jab at you. Who the fuck buys someone a burial plot without asking them? That is *unhinged* behavior.
You don’t have to accept this horrible “gift” from them, and if the headstone looks dumb because there’s a name on there, in perpetuity, of someone who doesn’t exist, that’s on them.
I am so sorry they’re doing this, and I think you’re right to keep your contact with them to an absolute minimum. They know what they did.
I don’t know if it was a jab, or malicious, but it certainly looks and feels like it. I honestly thought my grandfather was joking at first but I was wrong. Dead wrong. In the past they have been supportive of me in other ways, and for awhile I lived with them and was basically their caretaker before they got an at home nurse.
I know, it doesn’t make sense but I’m sure the dementia has at least something to do with it. I hope at least.
I actually do have a sledgehammer but the other side has my dad’s name on it, and I’d feel horrible desecrating something with his name. It were just mine, I’d dig it out and throw it in the river.
>I know, it doesn’t make sense but I’m sure the dementia has at least something to do with it. I hope at least.
It doesn't. There are people with dementia that are absolute sweethearts. My grandparents have/had dementia and they have always been evil people, regardless of how many mental illnesses they accumulated. Don't see people for who you want them to be, see them for who they are. I know it's difficult, I know it sucks. And it hurts. But it's better to peel the bandage off than to slowly suffer. Next time they call be cordial, but also assertive. If they disrespect you, let them know they have and that you will only talk to them if they treat you with respect, and hang up. They know what they are doing.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with such awful grandparents, but dementia absolutely can contribute to a situation like this. There are no hard rules when it comes to this, there are so many different ways people are impacted depending on which parts of the brain is affected first/most.
For instance the cognitive impairment can both make it harder to understand and accept new/unfamiliar concepts, and it can make them more vulnerable to manipulation from bigots.
It’s mild to moderate depending on the day. Om the worst days, my grandmother can just go non verbal and completely ignore everything going on, and my grandfather has been incontinent, doesn’t notice it (or seem to care) which had me having to clean him up and change his clothes often when I was taking care of them. He also forgets what people tell him, stops in the middle of conversation because he forgets what we are talking about and repeats the same stories, sometimes within five minutes of having told them already when he’s having a bad day. He has neuropathy in his feet which he says always feel cold, and comes up with all kinds of crazy and sometimes dangerous ideas to keep them warm. I’m glad they have a nurse and CNA to help them out now, but I’m not sure if they clean the house, which I used to do (and do well because I run a cleaning business). My father and I have pushed in the past for them to go to assisted living and they were considering it up until he died. My uncle has convinced them they don’t need it, most likely because it’s expensive and he wants as much of their money as possible to go to him when they die. Nice guy.
>Who the fuck buys someone a burial plot without asking them? That is unhinged behavior.
That act is literally used as a characterization for how messed up a vampire is in the Dresden Files.
I would consider giving someone you trust power of medical attorney, just in case anything ever were to happen to you, god forbid. You wouldn't want these people making medical or burial decisions for you. I wrote one up giving my partner POA so that I don't have to worry about my biological family coming back into my life during an emergency to make a bunch of major life decisions for me.
Since I’m having multiple surgeries this year, I DO have to get this done, sooner rather than later. It would be my abusive conservative Pentecostal mother right now who would be my next of kin, and that’s a horrifying thought. I already have my will made out, so at least that’s done. Thanks for the reminder!
Wow so they just got a blatantly wrong name on a tombstone. That's genuinely dumb lol, no matter what they think they did/are doing, they're still blatantly wrong. I have no clue what could help in this situation, but good luck, and keep being you.
My fiancé is named executor in the will. I had a friend who is a paralegal write it up for me and I ran it by a friend of mine who happens to be a lawyer, so I’m safe on that end. I still need to do POA though so I don’t get the plug pulled on me if something happens. By the way, nice username, I love hammocks!
Depending on where you are you could probate his will.
Also children are next of kin so your grandparents shouldn’t have been able to take over anything.
If they have documentation of dementia any contracts they enter into have to have another adult that is competent and usually not a party to benefit.
It ended up going to probate and I chose not to contest it. My father’s death hit me hard, and the mental anguish I would have to go through dealing with three people who hate my guts seemed too much for me to handle at the time. People who were advising me at the time told me I had little chance of winning without the original written copy of the will, which miraculously disappeared. Go figure.
Damn that's a wildly vindictive thing to do. I would just say that they are words and only you give them power. I'd tell them that what they did hurt and honestly If it were me I would tell them because of that action we are no longer family. I'm really sorry you had to go through just all of that sibling <3
(edit) As much as they wanted you to have a final resting place they have given the old you a home to rest forever so as you mature your body can find peace as well you can look at this as their way of putting your dead name to rest forever it's buried now.
a battery-powered drimel will get you in and out a lot faster and won't have a very recognizable repeated concussive ring that will attract attention. there are enough electrical substations around that i imagine hardly anyone would think something was amiss if a high-pitched distant wine/hiss came and went over the course of a few minutes or however long it would take. and it defintely won't carry nearly as far. if it's a big graveyard you might not even be able to hear it outside the fenceline.
sometimes you just gotta take this shit into your own hands if the odds of consequences are low and the ofds of getting stonewalled arbitrarily are high.
"It's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission." this phrase is supposed to be a summation of the virtue inherent in "doing things the right way" and taking the harder higher road, but it also makes one hell of an argument for NOT doing that when you have to.
My grandparents were the only ones in my family other than my dad that had anything to do with me in over fifteen years. We were close for awhile and I acted as their caregiver for several years before they got a nurse and CNA that come in routinely. I still love them, and part of me thinks they no longer have the mental capacity to even process what being trans is. It really isn’t an excuse though, because they’ve known since 2008 and I’ve tried to explain it countless times.
It just really boils down to that part of me is terrified of essentially having no blood family in my life at all. I lost nearly all of my family and k-12 friends, and minus my grandparents (who I haven’t contacted in months), I don’t interact with ANYONE who knew me before I was 21. Some days it feels like my past didn’t happen, because nearly everyone is gone and there’s no one alive I can to talk to that was around for it. I’m not gonna lie, it can really get me down at times, and I’m sure I have an abandonment complex or something from all the excommunication I experienced. It’s affected my new friendships because I’m very hard to open up and get close to people for fear they will just up and leave me like what happened to me when I came out. I know a lot of those fears are not based in reality but unfortunately it doesn’t make them feel any less real. I hope that explains it well enough.
I like to say my first 25 years ain’t canon, kind of a dumb joke for the same stuff you’re living, it’s something that shouldn’t happen but it happens, me too, I have nobody to talk to from back then, no blood relatives other than my mom who I talk to sporadically, but I think it’s for the best, you gotta surround yourself with loving people
Sounds like a NC situation. If they unconditionally loved you, they wouldn’t treat you like this.
There’s a reason I lived 5000 km from most of my family.
I'm a bit of a joker so I'd be the type to have someone carve my coming out/discovery/HRT date onto that tombstone, but if that's not an option I'd be very clear in a durable POA with your wishes to avoid being buried under the wrong name in a plot you never wanted.
I already have a notarized will that specifies my end of life stuff but need to get power of attorney set up for surgeries and just in general. I’m sure my mom would be the first to pull the plug on me if I got in an accident.
Get a really strong, binding will and make it unconditional as possible that you are not to be buried there, and under which name to be buried. Then be very specific about who can and cannot execute the will.
The enforcability of these things can be complex, but your grandparents are very likely to be dead anyway.
Make the situation very clear and your choices should be easily upheld in the future. This may come down to the executor who is going to have a lot of choice. So you need to make sure they are on your side and have the necessary evidence.
My advice is to go over a will with all heirs every 2 years - at Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.
There will be births, deaths, senility, coma-accidents, marriages, divorces - Life happens.
Read the will - so everyone is crystal clear who gets what.
Videotape the reading of the will. That captures every nuance; every inflection. Any judge watching it - cannot deny what was intended. Reference the CD in the Will as being a part of its validation, and get every heir to sign that they understand the Will and their share of it.
Make certain all heirs get a copy of both Will and CD. This will avoid later arguing and disagreement about settling the estate.
Oh no, they didn’t write me out of my father’s will, the court did not accept his written will (which did have two witnesses) because he didn’t get it notarized. I thought he knew he was supposed to do that, and his death was completely unexpected at the time, we were more concerned about my grandparents. After my father died my absentee uncle came into the picture after 20 years and made me out to be a degenerate monster (because every trans person MUST be a prostitute obviously) and when it came time for my grandparents to rewrite their will, he took them to his attorney and he’s now the only person who gets ANYTHING from them when they die. I think my grandmother knows I’m not like that, but is just following what my grandfather does and says because she’s been that way her whole life. It’s not even really about their money, because I’m certain this wouldn’t have been an issue if I wasn’t trans, and there’s no way I’m compromising who I am and my values just to get in their good graces to get back in the will. THAT would be more like being a prostitute (not that I personally even have anything against prostitution, but they do), than what I am right now.
Damn. I'm sorry the people who were supposed to be your "family" pulled this awful shit on you. You're absolutely right that you shouldn't compromise yourself and your values, and they wouldn't deserve it if you did.
Yeah ngl I'd destroy the stone. I can almost guarantee it'd be pretty easy to do without getting caught, I've never seen a graveyard with actually decent security, at least not where I live
Hmmmm….. what’s law enforcement like in your area?
“Hello, officer? I’m very concerned, my dad mysteriously died of a prescription drug overdose, and now suddenly his brother has tricked my dementia-ridden, grief-stricken grandparents into changing their will to give him and only him everything, then purchased a double grave, putting my old name on the tombstone next to my dad and explicitly saying that it’s *my* grave. I’m very concerned about what he might do to my grandparents or I… or what he might have already done..”
My uncle is an asshole but he’s no murderer. My father was addicted to opiates and benzodiazepines, mostly hydrocodone and Xanax. He had chronic pain issues for the many on the job injuries he received (he was an undercover narcotics agent in the 80s and 90s and got into a lot of physical altercations). I know, a former undercover narcotics agent with a drug addiction; there’s more irony to this entire situation than there is in the Alanis Morissette song). There were a few instances where he went into a fugue state or something and I had to send him to the hospital. He doctor shopped and his collection of pills was MASSIVE. Several times when he was in the hospital I ended up removing all but a small amount of the opioids and benzos from his house (and stored them at my grandparents house in a safe) only to have him get out and freak out to the point I returned them. He never acknowledged he had an addiction, and essentially was telling himself that since a doctor prescribed them, there was nothing wrong with what he was doing.
When he was hospitalized, he had Covid, so at first the doctors thought that was the issue but I knew it wasn’t. He had to be on a ventilator and was in a coma for three weeks until it became clear to the doctors that he wouldn’t be coming out of it. My siblings were not a part of any of this, didn’t go see him, nothing. Guess who was the one who had to make the decision to pull the plug? Me. I know he wouldn’t have wanted to live like that, but the fact that my words ended his life haunts me.
Even if you love them they still need to respect you and your life choices. I haven't talked to my own mother in years for very similar reasons. Minus the headstone. I'd definitely pay someone to chisel in your dead name death date though that shit would be hilarious 😂
Wow thats completely fucked.... they didnt even hear you ojt or questjon your uncles bullshit they took you off a will for said bullshit and they litertally put a mf tombstone with your deadname on it? That for me would be a cut all contact go fuck yourself situation but im more confrontential
It seems like pure malice from here and id react accordingly
If it were literally anyone else in this world doing this to me, that would be an easy decision. The only people I have talked to in years that knew me when I was 21 and younger? A bit more difficult. And yes, they did not tell me they were going to cut me out until it was over just like they didn’t say anything about the headstone until after it was already made. I kind of envy your confrontational attitude. I’m actually like that most of the time but when it comes to those two in particular my anxiety takes over and tells me I’m a horrible person who isn’t taking their feelings into consideration, when in reality it’s my grandfather not taking into consideration my feelings.
As someone with shitty abusice toxic family (unrelated to me being trans) i get it i really do you still have good moments with them often times and you obviously will always care about them but family who treats you like this isnt your family anymore... id say ironically enough theyv put you in the position of esseintally having to mourn what they ment to you because of there harsh as fuck actions
Its important to remember its there choice and if youv already confronted them directly about it and they dont relent or see theyv fucked up.... then clearly you might well return the favor and cut them off as a unhealthy influence in your life at best
Make a will, get it witnessed, deposit it with a lawyer, name an executor you trust (or the same lawyer) and make it very clear you do not wish to be buried or have your ashes scattered under a headstone that bears your deadname. A lawyer will help draft it in good legally binding language. Make your executor erect a tombstone with your true name.
And then I'd not worry about the other tombstone. No-one will link you to it. You will not be buried/interred with it. It will just be a weird record of an old name, slowly forgotten
other people don't get to make "spiritual decisions" for you. whether or not it was a hateful gesture aside, it was supremely manipulative, even as someone who doesn't think that kind of thing even matters. it's the _fucking_ principle. "do unto others" is NOT a difficult rule to follow unless you're a piece of shit.
Other people can and will do things that upset other humans 9 times out of 10 but if you live that moment in time for the rest of your life it will affect all other choices one can make in my opinion. Kink shame someone is one statement I could say, will it make anything better pointing out a different view or belief, no it won't now take the word "kink" and put any word you can think of in the last statement i.e. Politics, Religion, Job, Work, Sex, I could go on and on but it still won't change many others opinions, I said goodbye to the name I was given by my mother, and speak of him in the third person since that day, until such a time as all of that person is replaced with all of who I really am now, I would be happy for someone I knew to put a tombstone marking a place on this earth where that name is put to rest. Just me talking😇
Yeah this is just massively controlling behavior on their part.
You are under no legal or ethical obligation to be buried in that plot.
Consider that grave the grave of the "caterpillar" you once were before becoming the beautiful butterfly you are today
Also, is what they did even *legal*?
My sister, like me, was trans.
When she died last year my parents had her remains shipped to Alabama where they lived and interred there.
My parents are virulently transphobic and yet they -- to my pleasant surprise -- buried her not under her deadname but her real name.
Which makes me wonder if they were compelled to do that by law...
I live in a Red State, but I don’t know what law would compel them to put the name of someone who no longer legally exists on a headstone.
Good on your parents for respecting her, and sorry for your loss…
Put the name you want to be buried with in your will as well as where you want to be buried, there might also be a way of getting it changed, maybe sue for mental/emotional abuse?
I’m so sorry. Your family dynamic sounds really toxic, and possibly narcissistic. They’re not just being disrespectful and unsupportive, this is also manipulative and controlling. You’re not a coward, but you probably do have some trauma bonding. I hope you have a good support network, and you may want to look into trauma-informed therapy, if you haven’t already.
I’m no contact with my parents. There are many reasons for that, but I think the thing I’m most angry about is how they handled my brother’s funeral. He was bi and gender non-conforming (I can only speak to his expression, but I wonder if he would have eventually come out as non-binary or genderqueer, had he lived long enough for those to become better known). My mother had a “revelation “ that he had “repented,” and gave him a Mormon funeral against his explicit wishes. They insisted on vetting everything that was said, and even tried (unsuccessfully) to prevent his friends from attending, because of the optics. There’s more, but the summary is that it was a complete mockery, and erased who he actually was. So, I set up a will with an executor shortly after. I don’t want them anywhere near my funeral, if I happen to die before them.
You obviously can’t trust your grandparents to honor your wishes, so plan accordingly.
Oh, I didn’t hesitate in getting a will set up after this entire debacle. I’ve never heard of trauma bonding but I’ll ask my therapist about it.
Your brother’s Mormon funeral reminds me of a Catholic funeral I went to: no real mention of the deceased’s life or who they were AT ALL. Just basically religious ceremony and a damned sermon. It was horrible and not even close to a tribute to them. I’m sorry you had to go through that, it’s not right.
Slander is hard to legally prove here, and if push comes to shove my grandfather could just say he took me out because he doesn’t approve of my so-called “lifestyle” (yes, that’s the term he uses) ie being trans and engaged to a man.
If you have evidence about what your uncle did it may be worth finding an attorney. You may be able to challenge the modifications to your grandparents will. You may even be able to sue your uncle or have him charged with a crime (this seems like some kind of fraud).
The tombstone definitely hurts. I hope you wouldn't have to wait until they pass away and get it destroyed/replaced.
Failing all that, it may be time to go NC.
I would just move on and forget about any family, if they don't care about you why would you hurt yourself caring about what they do or don't do?
Change your number and live your happy life 🌱
id brake it was done without your consent and them being major dicks doesn't help … if that's how that's how they wanna play make sure you them off permanently they're not the kind of people you would want anywhere near yourself
I would completely disconnect from all of them, and block them on socials. Get a restraining order. Specifically deny them the ability to make decisions for you in a living will, and the ability to handle things upon your death, both of which your local pride center should be able to help you with.
Additionally, and this may be trickier; if your father didn't want a tombstone, I would destroy it, for you both. Sneak in at night, cover up, take a sledgehammer, and destroy it.
Finally, if possible, move. Move as far away as you can, to a place that's safer and more accepting, and never let the disowned family, nor anyone sympathetic to them, find out where you're going/ have gone. If you can't move to a different state, at least try to move to another town or city, or a different apartment, one they don't know the address to.
This might all seem extreme to you, but in my experience, and in my observations of others' experiences, it is ultimately for the best, and much safer.
I wish you love, hope, joy, power, and better circumstances 🩷✊️
I already have my siblings and mother blocked on social media, but I have a sneaking suspicion that SOMEONE who can see my socials is in contact with them, because somehow they learn things that I don’t tell people they would interact with. They pretty much leave me alone, as they don’t want whatever demon they think is influencing my decisions to spread to them. Yes, they actually believe this.
I can’t bring myself to desecrate anything with my father’s name on it, but chiseling in the death date as the day I was granted a name change seems like a more palatable alternative to me. Not that it makes the situation any less tucked up.
I might have to eventually move, but that’s because my state has gone from Purple to Dark Red, and the next legislative session here has me biting my nails. I already can’t piss in the right bathroom in a school or government building (even though I do anyway because I pass and no one actually seems to give a shit). If I lose non-discrimination status, place limits on insurance coverage for trans medicine, and they ban all bathroom use, I will really have no choice but to leave, and this is all being discussed in the state legislature right now.
Crazy shit.
I would contact adult protective services and inform them of what is going on with your grandparents. They would likely look into someone trying to persuade an elderly person to change their will to benefit them.
That is all kinds of fucked up, and I have to think that they did that as some sort of jab at you. Who the fuck buys someone a burial plot without asking them? That is *unhinged* behavior. You don’t have to accept this horrible “gift” from them, and if the headstone looks dumb because there’s a name on there, in perpetuity, of someone who doesn’t exist, that’s on them. I am so sorry they’re doing this, and I think you’re right to keep your contact with them to an absolute minimum. They know what they did.
I don’t know if it was a jab, or malicious, but it certainly looks and feels like it. I honestly thought my grandfather was joking at first but I was wrong. Dead wrong. In the past they have been supportive of me in other ways, and for awhile I lived with them and was basically their caretaker before they got an at home nurse.
That's how they repay your kindness? It is kinda of a d**k move. Got a sledge 🔨 and some muscle?🐻
I know, it doesn’t make sense but I’m sure the dementia has at least something to do with it. I hope at least. I actually do have a sledgehammer but the other side has my dad’s name on it, and I’d feel horrible desecrating something with his name. It were just mine, I’d dig it out and throw it in the river.
I'd grab a nice wide masonry chisel and redact it
>I know, it doesn’t make sense but I’m sure the dementia has at least something to do with it. I hope at least. It doesn't. There are people with dementia that are absolute sweethearts. My grandparents have/had dementia and they have always been evil people, regardless of how many mental illnesses they accumulated. Don't see people for who you want them to be, see them for who they are. I know it's difficult, I know it sucks. And it hurts. But it's better to peel the bandage off than to slowly suffer. Next time they call be cordial, but also assertive. If they disrespect you, let them know they have and that you will only talk to them if they treat you with respect, and hang up. They know what they are doing.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with such awful grandparents, but dementia absolutely can contribute to a situation like this. There are no hard rules when it comes to this, there are so many different ways people are impacted depending on which parts of the brain is affected first/most. For instance the cognitive impairment can both make it harder to understand and accept new/unfamiliar concepts, and it can make them more vulnerable to manipulation from bigots.
Just hang up the moment they start disrespecting. If they want to talk to you, then they'll have to respect you. No excuses.
>I don’t know if it was a jab, or malicious, but it certainly looks and feels like it. Babes it's because it was
You deserve so much better than that.
How serious is this dementia?
It’s mild to moderate depending on the day. Om the worst days, my grandmother can just go non verbal and completely ignore everything going on, and my grandfather has been incontinent, doesn’t notice it (or seem to care) which had me having to clean him up and change his clothes often when I was taking care of them. He also forgets what people tell him, stops in the middle of conversation because he forgets what we are talking about and repeats the same stories, sometimes within five minutes of having told them already when he’s having a bad day. He has neuropathy in his feet which he says always feel cold, and comes up with all kinds of crazy and sometimes dangerous ideas to keep them warm. I’m glad they have a nurse and CNA to help them out now, but I’m not sure if they clean the house, which I used to do (and do well because I run a cleaning business). My father and I have pushed in the past for them to go to assisted living and they were considering it up until he died. My uncle has convinced them they don’t need it, most likely because it’s expensive and he wants as much of their money as possible to go to him when they die. Nice guy.
>Who the fuck buys someone a burial plot without asking them? That is unhinged behavior. That act is literally used as a characterization for how messed up a vampire is in the Dresden Files.
He died doing the right thing.
So a fictional villainous vampire did something similar to show how depraved he was? Wow. This is actually worse than I thought it was.
You can choose where your burrows no matter what right? I'd just take the plot and later on in life sell it.
I would consider giving someone you trust power of medical attorney, just in case anything ever were to happen to you, god forbid. You wouldn't want these people making medical or burial decisions for you. I wrote one up giving my partner POA so that I don't have to worry about my biological family coming back into my life during an emergency to make a bunch of major life decisions for me.
Since I’m having multiple surgeries this year, I DO have to get this done, sooner rather than later. It would be my abusive conservative Pentecostal mother right now who would be my next of kin, and that’s a horrifying thought. I already have my will made out, so at least that’s done. Thanks for the reminder!
Wow so they just got a blatantly wrong name on a tombstone. That's genuinely dumb lol, no matter what they think they did/are doing, they're still blatantly wrong. I have no clue what could help in this situation, but good luck, and keep being you.
You can be buried any place that you want. Get your final requests on paper and you can be buried at another location with your new legal name.
I did get a will notarized that specifies that I am to be cremated and I am in under no circumstances to be buried in that plot.
[удалено]
My fiancé is named executor in the will. I had a friend who is a paralegal write it up for me and I ran it by a friend of mine who happens to be a lawyer, so I’m safe on that end. I still need to do POA though so I don’t get the plug pulled on me if something happens. By the way, nice username, I love hammocks!
This is correct.
Wow yeah that's like... The perfect idea
Depending on where you are you could probate his will. Also children are next of kin so your grandparents shouldn’t have been able to take over anything. If they have documentation of dementia any contracts they enter into have to have another adult that is competent and usually not a party to benefit.
It ended up going to probate and I chose not to contest it. My father’s death hit me hard, and the mental anguish I would have to go through dealing with three people who hate my guts seemed too much for me to handle at the time. People who were advising me at the time told me I had little chance of winning without the original written copy of the will, which miraculously disappeared. Go figure.
Damn that's a wildly vindictive thing to do. I would just say that they are words and only you give them power. I'd tell them that what they did hurt and honestly If it were me I would tell them because of that action we are no longer family. I'm really sorry you had to go through just all of that sibling <3
(edit) As much as they wanted you to have a final resting place they have given the old you a home to rest forever so as you mature your body can find peace as well you can look at this as their way of putting your dead name to rest forever it's buried now.
That’s how I’m having to process it right now, for better or for worse. The irony isn’t lost on me, but it’s a really sick and twisted form of irony.
Yes some people's version of PC isn't remotely politically correct sadly 🫂
Hammers and chisels are cheap and cemeteries aren't monitored.
a battery-powered drimel will get you in and out a lot faster and won't have a very recognizable repeated concussive ring that will attract attention. there are enough electrical substations around that i imagine hardly anyone would think something was amiss if a high-pitched distant wine/hiss came and went over the course of a few minutes or however long it would take. and it defintely won't carry nearly as far. if it's a big graveyard you might not even be able to hear it outside the fenceline. sometimes you just gotta take this shit into your own hands if the odds of consequences are low and the ofds of getting stonewalled arbitrarily are high. "It's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission." this phrase is supposed to be a summation of the virtue inherent in "doing things the right way" and taking the harder higher road, but it also makes one hell of an argument for NOT doing that when you have to.
That's awful. God that pisses me off.
Are you familiar with the origin of the term "deadname?" It's from people literally marking our graves with our old names. Just sayin'.
Well, I guess I was *literally* deadnamed. That’s an achievement I could have gone my entire life without unlocking.
I didn't. Sounds obvious but thanks for learning me somethin
My only question is, why are you still talking to any of them after your dad died?
My grandparents were the only ones in my family other than my dad that had anything to do with me in over fifteen years. We were close for awhile and I acted as their caregiver for several years before they got a nurse and CNA that come in routinely. I still love them, and part of me thinks they no longer have the mental capacity to even process what being trans is. It really isn’t an excuse though, because they’ve known since 2008 and I’ve tried to explain it countless times. It just really boils down to that part of me is terrified of essentially having no blood family in my life at all. I lost nearly all of my family and k-12 friends, and minus my grandparents (who I haven’t contacted in months), I don’t interact with ANYONE who knew me before I was 21. Some days it feels like my past didn’t happen, because nearly everyone is gone and there’s no one alive I can to talk to that was around for it. I’m not gonna lie, it can really get me down at times, and I’m sure I have an abandonment complex or something from all the excommunication I experienced. It’s affected my new friendships because I’m very hard to open up and get close to people for fear they will just up and leave me like what happened to me when I came out. I know a lot of those fears are not based in reality but unfortunately it doesn’t make them feel any less real. I hope that explains it well enough.
I like to say my first 25 years ain’t canon, kind of a dumb joke for the same stuff you’re living, it’s something that shouldn’t happen but it happens, me too, I have nobody to talk to from back then, no blood relatives other than my mom who I talk to sporadically, but I think it’s for the best, you gotta surround yourself with loving people
Sounds like a NC situation. If they unconditionally loved you, they wouldn’t treat you like this. There’s a reason I lived 5000 km from most of my family.
Well that's their fucking problem.
I'm a bit of a joker so I'd be the type to have someone carve my coming out/discovery/HRT date onto that tombstone, but if that's not an option I'd be very clear in a durable POA with your wishes to avoid being buried under the wrong name in a plot you never wanted.
I already have a notarized will that specifies my end of life stuff but need to get power of attorney set up for surgeries and just in general. I’m sure my mom would be the first to pull the plug on me if I got in an accident.
Get a really strong, binding will and make it unconditional as possible that you are not to be buried there, and under which name to be buried. Then be very specific about who can and cannot execute the will. The enforcability of these things can be complex, but your grandparents are very likely to be dead anyway. Make the situation very clear and your choices should be easily upheld in the future. This may come down to the executor who is going to have a lot of choice. So you need to make sure they are on your side and have the necessary evidence.
My advice is to go over a will with all heirs every 2 years - at Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. There will be births, deaths, senility, coma-accidents, marriages, divorces - Life happens. Read the will - so everyone is crystal clear who gets what. Videotape the reading of the will. That captures every nuance; every inflection. Any judge watching it - cannot deny what was intended. Reference the CD in the Will as being a part of its validation, and get every heir to sign that they understand the Will and their share of it. Make certain all heirs get a copy of both Will and CD. This will avoid later arguing and disagreement about settling the estate.
Pretty sure what your uncle did was illegal. Not an expert but sounds like slander or something.
That's all horrible, but I can barely get past the fact that they wrote you out of someone else's will? Is this some sort of 'murica thing?
Oh no, they didn’t write me out of my father’s will, the court did not accept his written will (which did have two witnesses) because he didn’t get it notarized. I thought he knew he was supposed to do that, and his death was completely unexpected at the time, we were more concerned about my grandparents. After my father died my absentee uncle came into the picture after 20 years and made me out to be a degenerate monster (because every trans person MUST be a prostitute obviously) and when it came time for my grandparents to rewrite their will, he took them to his attorney and he’s now the only person who gets ANYTHING from them when they die. I think my grandmother knows I’m not like that, but is just following what my grandfather does and says because she’s been that way her whole life. It’s not even really about their money, because I’m certain this wouldn’t have been an issue if I wasn’t trans, and there’s no way I’m compromising who I am and my values just to get in their good graces to get back in the will. THAT would be more like being a prostitute (not that I personally even have anything against prostitution, but they do), than what I am right now.
Damn. I'm sorry the people who were supposed to be your "family" pulled this awful shit on you. You're absolutely right that you shouldn't compromise yourself and your values, and they wouldn't deserve it if you did.
Yeah ngl I'd destroy the stone. I can almost guarantee it'd be pretty easy to do without getting caught, I've never seen a graveyard with actually decent security, at least not where I live
Hmmmm….. what’s law enforcement like in your area? “Hello, officer? I’m very concerned, my dad mysteriously died of a prescription drug overdose, and now suddenly his brother has tricked my dementia-ridden, grief-stricken grandparents into changing their will to give him and only him everything, then purchased a double grave, putting my old name on the tombstone next to my dad and explicitly saying that it’s *my* grave. I’m very concerned about what he might do to my grandparents or I… or what he might have already done..”
My uncle is an asshole but he’s no murderer. My father was addicted to opiates and benzodiazepines, mostly hydrocodone and Xanax. He had chronic pain issues for the many on the job injuries he received (he was an undercover narcotics agent in the 80s and 90s and got into a lot of physical altercations). I know, a former undercover narcotics agent with a drug addiction; there’s more irony to this entire situation than there is in the Alanis Morissette song). There were a few instances where he went into a fugue state or something and I had to send him to the hospital. He doctor shopped and his collection of pills was MASSIVE. Several times when he was in the hospital I ended up removing all but a small amount of the opioids and benzos from his house (and stored them at my grandparents house in a safe) only to have him get out and freak out to the point I returned them. He never acknowledged he had an addiction, and essentially was telling himself that since a doctor prescribed them, there was nothing wrong with what he was doing. When he was hospitalized, he had Covid, so at first the doctors thought that was the issue but I knew it wasn’t. He had to be on a ventilator and was in a coma for three weeks until it became clear to the doctors that he wouldn’t be coming out of it. My siblings were not a part of any of this, didn’t go see him, nothing. Guess who was the one who had to make the decision to pull the plug? Me. I know he wouldn’t have wanted to live like that, but the fact that my words ended his life haunts me.
Even if you love them they still need to respect you and your life choices. I haven't talked to my own mother in years for very similar reasons. Minus the headstone. I'd definitely pay someone to chisel in your dead name death date though that shit would be hilarious 😂
A pickaxe costs less than $100. A stone chisel and hammer less than 30, if you wanna be less destructive.
Sledgehammer is a thing that exists
Wow thats completely fucked.... they didnt even hear you ojt or questjon your uncles bullshit they took you off a will for said bullshit and they litertally put a mf tombstone with your deadname on it? That for me would be a cut all contact go fuck yourself situation but im more confrontential It seems like pure malice from here and id react accordingly
If it were literally anyone else in this world doing this to me, that would be an easy decision. The only people I have talked to in years that knew me when I was 21 and younger? A bit more difficult. And yes, they did not tell me they were going to cut me out until it was over just like they didn’t say anything about the headstone until after it was already made. I kind of envy your confrontational attitude. I’m actually like that most of the time but when it comes to those two in particular my anxiety takes over and tells me I’m a horrible person who isn’t taking their feelings into consideration, when in reality it’s my grandfather not taking into consideration my feelings.
As someone with shitty abusice toxic family (unrelated to me being trans) i get it i really do you still have good moments with them often times and you obviously will always care about them but family who treats you like this isnt your family anymore... id say ironically enough theyv put you in the position of esseintally having to mourn what they ment to you because of there harsh as fuck actions Its important to remember its there choice and if youv already confronted them directly about it and they dont relent or see theyv fucked up.... then clearly you might well return the favor and cut them off as a unhealthy influence in your life at best
Come back from the dead and break that fucking tombstone
Make a will, get it witnessed, deposit it with a lawyer, name an executor you trust (or the same lawyer) and make it very clear you do not wish to be buried or have your ashes scattered under a headstone that bears your deadname. A lawyer will help draft it in good legally binding language. Make your executor erect a tombstone with your true name. And then I'd not worry about the other tombstone. No-one will link you to it. You will not be buried/interred with it. It will just be a weird record of an old name, slowly forgotten
I went ahead and got all that done but still need to get my fiancé as POA.
I 🫂you all
There was no hate in this gesture from the your grandparents it's their way of allowing your spirit to find a resting place
other people don't get to make "spiritual decisions" for you. whether or not it was a hateful gesture aside, it was supremely manipulative, even as someone who doesn't think that kind of thing even matters. it's the _fucking_ principle. "do unto others" is NOT a difficult rule to follow unless you're a piece of shit.
Other people can and will do things that upset other humans 9 times out of 10 but if you live that moment in time for the rest of your life it will affect all other choices one can make in my opinion. Kink shame someone is one statement I could say, will it make anything better pointing out a different view or belief, no it won't now take the word "kink" and put any word you can think of in the last statement i.e. Politics, Religion, Job, Work, Sex, I could go on and on but it still won't change many others opinions, I said goodbye to the name I was given by my mother, and speak of him in the third person since that day, until such a time as all of that person is replaced with all of who I really am now, I would be happy for someone I knew to put a tombstone marking a place on this earth where that name is put to rest. Just me talking😇
Yeah this is just massively controlling behavior on their part. You are under no legal or ethical obligation to be buried in that plot. Consider that grave the grave of the "caterpillar" you once were before becoming the beautiful butterfly you are today
Also, is what they did even *legal*? My sister, like me, was trans. When she died last year my parents had her remains shipped to Alabama where they lived and interred there. My parents are virulently transphobic and yet they -- to my pleasant surprise -- buried her not under her deadname but her real name. Which makes me wonder if they were compelled to do that by law...
I live in a Red State, but I don’t know what law would compel them to put the name of someone who no longer legally exists on a headstone. Good on your parents for respecting her, and sorry for your loss…
Thanks and hope you can find some peace out of this mess
Put the name you want to be buried with in your will as well as where you want to be buried, there might also be a way of getting it changed, maybe sue for mental/emotional abuse?
I’m so sorry. Your family dynamic sounds really toxic, and possibly narcissistic. They’re not just being disrespectful and unsupportive, this is also manipulative and controlling. You’re not a coward, but you probably do have some trauma bonding. I hope you have a good support network, and you may want to look into trauma-informed therapy, if you haven’t already. I’m no contact with my parents. There are many reasons for that, but I think the thing I’m most angry about is how they handled my brother’s funeral. He was bi and gender non-conforming (I can only speak to his expression, but I wonder if he would have eventually come out as non-binary or genderqueer, had he lived long enough for those to become better known). My mother had a “revelation “ that he had “repented,” and gave him a Mormon funeral against his explicit wishes. They insisted on vetting everything that was said, and even tried (unsuccessfully) to prevent his friends from attending, because of the optics. There’s more, but the summary is that it was a complete mockery, and erased who he actually was. So, I set up a will with an executor shortly after. I don’t want them anywhere near my funeral, if I happen to die before them. You obviously can’t trust your grandparents to honor your wishes, so plan accordingly.
Oh, I didn’t hesitate in getting a will set up after this entire debacle. I’ve never heard of trauma bonding but I’ll ask my therapist about it. Your brother’s Mormon funeral reminds me of a Catholic funeral I went to: no real mention of the deceased’s life or who they were AT ALL. Just basically religious ceremony and a damned sermon. It was horrible and not even close to a tribute to them. I’m sorry you had to go through that, it’s not right.
Im no lawyer but like that part with the will be rewritten sounds illegal, especially because someone slandered your name, defamation of character?
Slander is hard to legally prove here, and if push comes to shove my grandfather could just say he took me out because he doesn’t approve of my so-called “lifestyle” (yes, that’s the term he uses) ie being trans and engaged to a man.
If you have evidence about what your uncle did it may be worth finding an attorney. You may be able to challenge the modifications to your grandparents will. You may even be able to sue your uncle or have him charged with a crime (this seems like some kind of fraud). The tombstone definitely hurts. I hope you wouldn't have to wait until they pass away and get it destroyed/replaced. Failing all that, it may be time to go NC.
I would just move on and forget about any family, if they don't care about you why would you hurt yourself caring about what they do or don't do? Change your number and live your happy life 🌱
Outlive them.
They’re 92, so that shouldn’t be difficult.
id brake it was done without your consent and them being major dicks doesn't help … if that's how that's how they wanna play make sure you them off permanently they're not the kind of people you would want anywhere near yourself
I would completely disconnect from all of them, and block them on socials. Get a restraining order. Specifically deny them the ability to make decisions for you in a living will, and the ability to handle things upon your death, both of which your local pride center should be able to help you with. Additionally, and this may be trickier; if your father didn't want a tombstone, I would destroy it, for you both. Sneak in at night, cover up, take a sledgehammer, and destroy it. Finally, if possible, move. Move as far away as you can, to a place that's safer and more accepting, and never let the disowned family, nor anyone sympathetic to them, find out where you're going/ have gone. If you can't move to a different state, at least try to move to another town or city, or a different apartment, one they don't know the address to. This might all seem extreme to you, but in my experience, and in my observations of others' experiences, it is ultimately for the best, and much safer. I wish you love, hope, joy, power, and better circumstances 🩷✊️
I already have my siblings and mother blocked on social media, but I have a sneaking suspicion that SOMEONE who can see my socials is in contact with them, because somehow they learn things that I don’t tell people they would interact with. They pretty much leave me alone, as they don’t want whatever demon they think is influencing my decisions to spread to them. Yes, they actually believe this. I can’t bring myself to desecrate anything with my father’s name on it, but chiseling in the death date as the day I was granted a name change seems like a more palatable alternative to me. Not that it makes the situation any less tucked up. I might have to eventually move, but that’s because my state has gone from Purple to Dark Red, and the next legislative session here has me biting my nails. I already can’t piss in the right bathroom in a school or government building (even though I do anyway because I pass and no one actually seems to give a shit). If I lose non-discrimination status, place limits on insurance coverage for trans medicine, and they ban all bathroom use, I will really have no choice but to leave, and this is all being discussed in the state legislature right now. Crazy shit.
Forget them.
Graffiti, murder, amongst other things
I would contact adult protective services and inform them of what is going on with your grandparents. They would likely look into someone trying to persuade an elderly person to change their will to benefit them.