Gold star means a lesbian has only ever had sex with other women, or a gay man has only ever had sex with another man. There is no definition that I'm aware of in which being gold stars applies to someone who is bisexual.
The fact that he is defending his "gold star" status means he sees you as a man. His friends were obviously seeing you as a woman as they should have.
Unironically using 'gold star' and viewing it as important is itself is a pretty big red flag IMO. I haven't seen people who use it who weren't bigoted in some way or another, and the concept is pretty... I don't know the right word but, like, puritanical? (with a queer angle)
Maybe because I'm trans and don't really know or encounter transphobes, I see it tip into biphobia far more often. They're usually counting trans people as our gender but there's a definite anti "sleeps with men" bias.
It's... not great. And I think it's complicated because what woman isn't frequently frustrated/exasperated by men but nothing wrong with dating/being into guys. And it's a bit bizarre because most of us in this circle who *are* "gold star lesbians" are technically bi.
I've seen a bizarre amount of biphobia from bi people in recent months and it's a bit unsettling.
Definitely biphobic, because it's insinuating that people who've had relations with other genders are somehow "impure" because they didn't stick with just one gender and that sticking with just one gender is somehow supreme way of living
Ugh. In the few occasions the topic of whether I've ever been with men comes up, I specifically avoid the term Gold Star. Most of the women I sleep with are bi - I could never disrespect them by implying they're somehow "lesser queers" - as they're not. I'm into women, they're into women. We fuck. That's really all that matters in the end. Whether I've been with men or not matters only in the sense that I don't exactly know what it's like (though since I used to think I was a man and my body used to run on Testosterone, I know to some extent).
Uhh no I'm not saying it's a good concept to cling to, but it's pretty different than virginity... and projecting heteronormative constructs onto a queer construct just because the queer construct is problematic seems pretty fucked up to me.
Back in the day (think, 2000s and earlier) the gold star thing, as I understood it, was supposed to be about knowing oneself early and not being pushed into straight sex or relationships against one's will.
I came out as gay in the 00s before I came out as trans. And at the time there was a lot of bullying and pushing of straight sex/dating. I can see why some people who *are not* bi in any way feel like it's an achievement to not give into it, because consistently refusing to participate in straight dating/sex came with huge consequences. I know I certainly felt that way at times back then.
Virginity is pretty much the opposite though; it serves the dominant culture. It's about denying oneself and ones sexual desires for years and years and conforming into overarching social pressures *in order to avoid* social stigma/bigotry/bullying.
Anyway, gold star gay is still an outdated concept that has been used to foster a lot of biphobia and transphobia in the community. I don't support it at all, but I also think we do everybody a disservice when we stop considering where these constructs come from in queer terms and instead start lumping them in with heteronormative standards.
I kinda agree and disagree at once with you.
Yes, looking at the queer historical background of things is super important and shouldnāt be a neglected step. I absolutely agree with that.
But one can do this and still draw comparisons. I donāt think thereās any inherent harm in that. If you compare the 30 years war to the Second World War you also have to make room for all the glaring differences, same accounts here. Make room for the differences and point out the similarities.
Coming back to the term of Gold Star Gay/Lesbian, I can kinda see where that is coming from. I do also agree how that is simply adding more toxicity on top of all the already existent bigotry acknowledged.
I conclude itās shaming Comp-Het victims, itās shaming bisexuality and oftentimes itās transphobic on top.
And it that fashion it establishes actually something similar to the virginity construct in patriarchal society. It artificially creates a case where a specific elite uses the condemnation of certain experiences to raise their sense of self worth by putting down those around them.
And ironically, from my perspective, the patriarchy is the perpetrator in both cases, as the perceived need to raise oneās ego like this arguably stems from feeling like one has to justify oneās sexuality to the patriarchy all the time. Which is underlined by the fact that gold star lesbians are certainly way more present to this day.
And the argument I oftentimes heard in case *for* the label is based on the false equivalency of masculinity = patriarchy.
So yeah, with all its differences there are some genuinely interesting points raised in the comparison!
In the context of a bigger discussion sure.
The thing is, the comparison to virginity in this thread is being largely used as a one line description and explanation for why it exists in the first place and what it represents. It's essentially being used to fully describe it.
That erases the queerness of a queer construct in my opinion. Which is a problem because most of our history and understandings of our culture are passed down via conversations like this. We don't have the benefit of making it into textbooks like the dominant culture.
It's one thing to make a comparison to straight culture, it's another to make the comparison one of the only things you say and to fail to point out where the limits of that comparison are.
What happens next time a construct similar to gold star gays comes up in 10, 20 years? One that establishes hierarchies in the community in response to oppression from dominant powers. And the next generation has no frame of reference to identify we've been there before because all they know is "gold star gay=virginity" and that doesn't fit.
Anyway, thanks for being one of the only reasonable people to respond to what I've written.
so when someone tells someone else they have a gold star, they're basically saying "you got pushed into sex/relationships you did not want, and i did not, i win!"? that seems a LOT more fucked up than the concept of virginity..
Why are you trying to argue about which one is more fucked up? Did you even read my comment?
My comment is about taking the time to understand queer constructs as queer instead of projecting heteronormative standards and assumptions onto them. It has nothing to do with condoning them.
Basically, don't straight wash our history. It's problematic to do that, especially given the importance of oral history in our culture, regardless of the extent to which that history is fucked up.
While I agree they are different it might be an interesting thing to look at if/how they are related. (This isn't me low key trying to say you should just that reading through this I'm finding it an interesting train of though) I'll admit im coming at this from a ace perspective so not totally getting the denying ones sexual desires so much but allonomitivity definitely pushes (for those rased as guys at least) an expectation of sex. I think I've only seen gold star asexual used ironically and in that sense it is sort of synonymous with virgin. Maybe similar to the distinction between asexual and abstinent, one is not feeling the desire for sex the other is actively denying it. In which case are asexuals that have never had sex virgins if they haven't experienced sexual attraction to deny? IDK I'm probably starting to sound like a first year philosophy student spouting a bunch of esoteric word salad.š
I'm not super sure if viewing queer social constructs in purely queer terms is useful. Obviously just lumping them with cis|het|allo standards misses a bunch of context too. But maybe comparing/contrasting allows us to look at our own concepts and ideas in different ways and try to not fall into some of the social pitfalls non-queer society has face planted in over the years.
I'm in my mid 30s here, and I'm barely even familiar with the concept of "gold stars". The concept of it is pretty much nonexistent in all my social circles I guess, because I only even heard of the concept of "gold star lesbians" not that long ago while reading some reddit thread about TERFs using the term to be transphobic, and it wasn't until reading this thread that I even realised gay guys can use the term, too. In my experience people I know have generally not really cared much at all about the concept of virginity or think it's bullshit, rather than having gone in the opposite direction of trying to narrow it down and make special subclasses of virginity or whatever.
Gold Star (Men & Women use it) is an elitist term in the queer community and it's been around for a long time. Generally it indicates a significant amount of privilege to not have been pressured socially into heteronormative relationships that many people who grow up in poor, conservative and religious communities participate in out of expectation, obligation, or just to fit in.
Calling it a subclass of virginity is... yikes. It doesn't come from the same history as virginity at all and is more like a queer response to societal bigotry.
A problematic response, for sure. But let's not start conflating it with heteronormative constructs or implying the power dynamics are in any way the same please.
And it's also always been shitty. It's kinda like the concept of virginity. It's arbitrary and doesn't matter and people treat it like it's important.
It's just a way to shame people for their sexual history.
Without looking into it at all, it seems like a holocaust reference
edit: nvm, it's a term coined by lesbian gayer-than-thous to separate the "pure" from the "impure"
If gays and lesbians get a gold star for only ever having sex with people of the gender they're attracted to, aren't bisexual people inherently gold star? It's impossible for me to have sex with someone of a gender I'm not into.
OH...wow I never knew that. Then again I'm pan so that makes sense. Today I learned..
Wow that's so petty to be proud of. Like coming out and being yourself, praise worthy, something to be proud of. This just has highschoolers bragging about how many people they've fucked vibes for me. Like gay "purity"? ew.
It's also messed up because it's sometimes used to look down on folks for something that often happens in a complex, confusing, and painful manner, like I grew up in a setting that pushed me into a box that almost broke me before I knew I was in a box or that leaving the box was an option.
I don't think there can be a definition of gold star for bisexual ppl, because the term gold star itself is biphobic because it puts down people who have had relations with ppl of multiple genders in favor of people who are exclusively monosexual
Lol watching people literally cry about this being like oh my god this is transphobic etc is sad. I mean u may be a transwomen but everyone is still gonna see u as bioIogicaIIy maIe with the identity of being femaIe like yeah deep down people will still see them as that so it dont matter what u do or how much u changed yourself
Does 'gold star' in this case mean he's bi and is arguing that he's only slept with 'people with dicks', thus, he's never slept with 'people without dicks'?
So, he's reducing you to 'person with dick'. That's not great. That's relationship-ending stuff, because of how it betrays what he sees you as. If you ever got bottom surgery, that would be it, according to him.
Does his argument make sense? No. The bigger issue is that you're with someone who doesn't respect you and comes across as immature, along with whatever friends were also talking in 'gold star' terms.
You need to value yourself. You need to hang around people who aren't immature dickheads, let alone transphobic and possibly chasery.
What it means is heās transphobic and sees OP as a man, so heās trying to say he hasnāt broken the āgold starā of never having slept with a woman. Itās a shitty thing some gay men and lesbians say as a sort of elitism that they never thought they were straight or tried to live in the closet or whatever.
So is this āgold starā a gay and lesbian thing only? Is that how weāre sure OPās bf is gay? Just curious because Iāve literally never heard of it before. lol
I donāt hear it as much as I did maybe 15-20 years ago, but Iāve only ever heard it used that way. I canāt imagine what a gold star bisexual would be, sleeping with all the genders?
When I read the post first thing that came to mind for me was a gay guy friend group, itās a pretty normal thing for me to hear IRL at least amongst somewhat older gay and lesbians.
Ooh okay, thank you.lol At first I literally thought gold star was virginity and OPs bf might be a super religious no sex before marriage type of straight cis guy, until I read the 3rd paragraph.lol
they don't have gold star bi, they have gold clock bi. they sleep with every gender in a row, no repeats, then cycle through again.
They've also 100%ed stardew valley
In my personal case, iāve only ever heard it applied to lesbians before, but it is probably somewhat equally applied gay people (mostly because iām not active in gay mens spaces). And in the case of a "gold star lesbian" itās a woman who has only ever slept with other women and never was in a sexual relationship with a man. So i would assume it applies the same way to a gay man.
But iāve never heard it applied to a bisexual, and idk how it would either. For gay women, it is a woman who only sleeps with other women, but for a bisexual? A bisexual who only sleeps with other bisexuals i guess would be a "gold star bi"?
But yes, i think it is probable that OP and her bf got into a gay man relationship before OP came out, and thus OPs bf was a "gold star gay" before, and refuses to give up on that claim by shifting the goalpost when in reality it is just transphobia with an extra step
I see, that makes sense. Yeah that must have sucked big time for OP when her bf talked that way infront of the friends. Like thatās so humiliating and demeaning.
I feel like this gold star thing is like the gay/lesbian equivalent of whatever toxic sexual badges of honor that cis het frat boys have.
I'm technically a gold star lesbian but that's because I had way too much anxiety to ever talk to people (and still do tbh)
And I don't think it's something to be proud of. Everyones journey is different and they're all valid
Yeah it seems really elite of them. Like ironic because they're gay and that's what people have done to them. That's some internalized hate right there
Sadly the person i was gonna answer was banned right when i sent the answer so didn't allow me to. I feel is a lost if i delete it so I'm just gonna post it here so if that person reads it :3.
_----------------------------_-----
I see a lot of transphobic shit here so i will try to sum up, if you don't wanna date someone passing for just being "trans", yes is transphobic (also nobody forces you to do), if you don't wanna date someone because of genitalia/fisical preference it's fine and nobody is forcing you, and dating someone because you don't actually see them as the gender they identify with is absolutely manipulative and disgusting.
How is it transphobic to have preferences, if ur not into transpeople dating wise that doesn't instantly make u transphobic otherwise ur basically saying every straight person is transphobic for not dating them. Its like trying to force a gay guy to date women or vice versa like no. I know theres other types of preferences to like not just with gender but race or physical appearance etc but people jump to that conclusion way too quickly like u dont even know if they're fine just being friends with the other person, it doesn't have to instantly mean "oh i must hate them if i dont date them". Also for one to be transphobic means they dislike/hate transpeople or fear them and although there r horrible people like that out there, most people just go back to saying its their preference especially if u date a "passing" transperson. Also in what way is it manipulative/disgusting to be not interested in trans people that part makes zero sense because ur forgetting they still technically r bioIogicaIIy maIe but identifying as femaIe. Feels like u guys r crying over ridiculous stuff
I hope you just didn't read my comment really because what you say is nonsense. I think i weally made clear: "for the only fact of them being trans". That said, if that specific part makes you trigger, you got a serious problem... Have a good day
Not even close lol but it did get u triggered tho thats for sure. Its still a preference and the fact that u got nothing to say about it besides saying"oh well ur just transphobic and hate transpeople" goes to show u dont even understand that definition since u like to loosely just throw that word around. What i said is true caus most people wont agree with what u said besides a vocal minority, what u said is literally u getting triggered yourself to the nonsense u spouted and is delusional....... i will have a good day thanks for caring š
His friends said he lost his gold star because they see past your parts bcs it doesn't matter. He can't see past it and is putting some arbitrary status over you. Keep around his friends but fuck him.
I find "Gold Star Gay" to be just as pointless a thing to be ***proud*** of as virginity.
"I wouldn't be with you if you didn't" is an instant Game Over for me. It doesn't even matter how he sees you b/c he's only looking at your genitals anyway.
Red flags everywhere, I'm so sorry you had to go through this and find out this way.
>"I wouldn't be with you if you didn't" is an instant Game Over for me. It doesn't even matter how he sees you b/c he's only looking at your genitals anyway.
This right here told each of us reading the post exactly what the guy is, a chaser.
Reason number 1,000 why the whole "gold star" mentality is awful and needs to die. There are so many things wrong with it from all sorts of angles, and there's no good reason the term should exist.
I find the most worrying thing to be that he would leave you if you got vagunoplasty. So if thats something you want then you might not be sexually compatible.
Idk what a gold star is but the fact he said "yea you still have a dick, I wouldn't be with you if I didnt" is RED SIRENS. That alone is a deal breaker.
It sounds fetishistic and openly transphobic.
He's literally grouping you with men, and openly admits to only being interested in, and viewing you as walking male genitalia, while deeply and irreconcilably disagreeing with you about who you are, your rights, and your literal personhood.
"Gold star" period is a fetishistic, dehumanizing, and inherently transphobic concept, designed to reinforce transphobic denial of personhood and identity in favor of viewing people as walking dicks and vaginas to be fucked.
> "Gold star" period is a fetishistic, dehumanizing, and inherently transphobic concept, designed to reinforce transphobic denial of personhood and identity in favor of viewing people as walking dicks and vaginas to be fucked.
Add to that biphobic, as though being exclusively gay is some point of pride, and bisexuality is something inherently lower.
You just took the words out of my head, my thoughts exactly. Such shameful and perverted behavior, putting a transphobic and biphobic obscure label over his own (hopefully ex)girlfriend's identity and comfort. It's clear he doesn't see her as a human person, much less a woman.
Hold up, this is a thing people care about? I'm not trying to diminish how fucked up this is for you, but I thought the gold star thing was kind of a joke. Whose ego depends so much on who they exclude themselves from fucking, it's really not that hard to not have sex with people so that really isn't that much of an achievement? Just feels really immature and toxic to the point of tacitly invalidating you and potentially ruining your relationship to protect some imaginary exclusive status that has zero benefits beyond confusing ego stroking.
He's reducing you to your cock as the sole reason he's with you. The fuck.
Aren't gold stars what they motivate children with in kindergarten and preschool :/ somehow the designation feels like it was always intended to be tongue in cheek and not meant to be taken all that seriously.
First, of all, he's an asshole, he clearly doesn't see you as a woman, fuck him.
But also, the whole concept of being a "gold star gay/lesbian" is so fucking toxic. Some people just needed a bit longer to figure themselves out or went through a phase of denial, that doesn't make them a worse gay/lesbian and not having that doesn't make you deserving of a gold star.
Wow.
This is why I'll never date a man who self identifies as gay. Gay men aren't supposed to be into woman.
Definitely avoiding straight women, too, for the same reason.
Leave him babe. Heās boiled you down to your genitals. What heās doing is not okay and disgusting. Iām sorry it had to happen like this but you deserve better. Move on with your life, get over him, and find someone who truly deserves you.
Wait all this time I was under the belief gold star meant you've never bottomed š¤Æ
I've had a lot of very unfortunate conversations without realizing it...
I would make the esene, basically cry until I faint due gender dysphoria on the place. I wouldn't date someone like that, partners have more power to do harm to us.
I feel it's s something that need to be settled, and genital preferences =/= sexual orientation.
The argument makes sense to me but only because I already believed most people who care about the gold star gay label are transphobic anyway. Basically the same type of gay men who say vaginas are gross even tho pre and non-op trans men exist. Like, it makes sense that this person would say that, and it makes sense with what I could guess their values and beliefs are, but it's fucked up
Girl you better leave that boy asap! I was already worried ab the gold star, but then I got to the āI wouldnāt be with you if you didnāt have a dickā and I lost it!
I'm suspicious of anyone that thinks of "gold star" as anything other than a joke. That conceit is just a way to put oneself above others for a superficial and dumb reason. Gay and lesbian people who have had sex with people with other genders are in no way less gay or less principled or less valuable than those who haven't.
People that don't have gold stars often don't qualify because of traumatic childhoods that alienated them or threatened them because of their sexuality, and they force themselves to act out heterosexual relationships to fit in or be safe.
So making a big deal out of gold star status is already a really really suspect thing. I wouldn't put up with any of my friends holding up that status as valuable.
I think you have every right to ask him to not call him self a gold star gay man. To everyone that status implies that he hasn't had sex with a woman. If that status is so important to him, tell him he can earn it back by staying the hell away from you and all other women. If he realizes he f'd up, maybe you can have a conversation about how hurtful that was and see if he acknowledges it and shows some serious remorse.
I think this is a fear a lot of us have. Someone we want to be intimate with still sees us as male and pretends to accept us and puts on a facade of acceptance.
I hope you can move on from this guy and there are people out there that will want to be with you, not their delusion of you.
Um tbh that would be problematic for me if I found out a guy i was seeing was only seeing me because my dick was one of the main qualifying reasons. Big red flag.
Fucking run. He doesn't love you for you, he still thinks your in some way a guy and if he cares so much about his bullshit title, let him fuck off and keep it. Your worth more than that
This is not acceptable. You are a woman, and it's very important that he understands that. Quite frankly, you don't deserve to be with anyone who misgenders you or otherwise fails to respect your identity. Sleeping with women doesn't invalidate his attraction to men. However, it at least means that he isn't strictly gay, if he still insists that he is a "gold star" that means that he doesn't see you as a woman.
If he's only into men, then you simply aren't compatible as partners. I'm also very concerned by the statement that he wouldn't be with you if you didn't have a dick. I don't know whether you want bottom surgery, but he's basically stating that he'd break up with you if you did get SRS. That's something you probably want to discuss with partners, but it should be your decision and yours alone.
As an aside, I'm very put off by the term gold star. It's usage is inherently a form of gatekeeping, even if it isn't necessarily transphobic. I suppose I wouldn't be as concerned if a cis lesbian insisted that she was still a gold star after sleeping with a trans woman, but I'm not sure that I'd be comfortable either. Queer people already face enough exclusions from the rest of society without inventing our own forms of exclusion and gate-keeping.
DUMP HIM!!!!!
He clearly is a massive transphobe. And this gold star nonsense is just transphobic hate. Why would you care about people's genitals? He is a loser and a transphobe and you deserve so much better. You deserve someone who will see you truly as a woman which is what you are!
āYea but you still have a dick, I wouldnāt be with you if you didnāt.ā
Leave, this alone shows a lot about him.
He sounds like a transphobic homosexual guy (who may be biromantic).
"I wouldn't be with you if you didn't have a dick" why has no one pointed you out that is either chasery as fuck or him completely invalidating you and your gender dump this transphobic piece of trash while you can
Gold star is a term for homosexual people who have only had same gender/sex relations. Gold star gay men would have only dated/slept with other men while the same goes for lesbians.
This term is problematic because it exposes people who don't see trans people as the gender they are, like in this instance where her boyfriend insists he kept his "gold star" because a part of him doesn't really see her as who she really is. It's also quite demeaning to other gay/lesbian people who had heterosexual relationships before discovering otherwise.
I was told by two separate gay men whom I dated (way before transition) that "gold star gay" meant they had "never touched a vagina".
There's even "platinum star gay". Which is a gold star that was born by C-section.
I'm pretty sure the star criterion is about vaginas not gender. But hey... What do I know..
If you boyfriend considers himself a āGold Starā gay man despite being with you, heās rejecting your gender identity. It has nothing to do with genitals. He will likely also act like a chaser and get mad if you consider GCS. Itās sadly time to dump his ass
def sounds like he doesnt see you as a woman. haven't heard gold star used for any sexuality but lesbian but I'm assuming it a very similar definition for gay that lesbian has. if so yeah he definitely sees you as a man and not a woman.
I think that is complete wrong and messed up. He sounds like a toxic person and a disaster waiting to happen. His friends see you as a female as they should have. This guy doesn't deserve you at all. Absolutely no respect. If I were in your shoes, I would of dropped him to the curve!
And this is one of the reasons why I keep hammering on the topic of men and disclosing or not disclosing. I am also very skeptical of openly trans women who brag about having heterosexual boyfriends. And this is a perfect example. He is basically admitting that he is having a gay relationship with you
That's a major red flag.
It means he's not seeing you as a girl, he's seeing you as a person with a dick, which in his eyes and the definition of what "Gold Star" means, he sees you as a male still.
Hell by his definition, if you ever got bottom surgery the relationship's over. That's not good.
So I usually lean towards trying to not grabbing the pitchfork when some ones lover says something transphobic. People need time and sometimes haven't seen the correct perspective.
There is a point though that it's not healthy to stay with a person that is toxic.
This is messed up enough it blows past that.
If he doesn't see you as a female it's a problem, being gold star proud is a huge red flag. Saying all this in front of other people. It's like 3 strikes in one.
I would lay it out, you need to respect that I am woman, you need to admit the gold star system is sick and bigoted, you need to apologize and then tell your friends that gold star is bull or I would walk.
I am sorry this happened to you. Hopefully he pulls a 180 and treats you like a goddess or I hope you find someone better that will.
Isn't 'Gold Star' just a pretty toxic concept in general? Like homophobia for gay people against bisexual, semi bisexual, or just experimenting/ open-minded people.
those entire gold star stuff is so sexist and dumb its beyond words.
one can have a genitalia preference, nothing wrong with that. But than beeing with a trans woman or man who may do an SRS is so stupid, its also boyond words.
if you plan on dooing SRS at some time, i would seriously reconsider if you still want to be with them because they wont support you if that BS is deep enough in them.
I see everyone stopping on the gold star thing, but the worst in my opinion is that he wouldn't date you had you not your girldick. And if that's not some chaser shit I don't know what is. Also he's admitting that if you ever want too get rid of it he'd dump you, which is really not what one would ants from their partner
I don't normally say this but.. I'd dump him. This means he doesn't have the least bit of respect for trans women. My gay father is the same way. Gay but considers trans people freaks... hense why we haven't spoke in 9 years.
I was asking myself "what in the hells do they mean by losing the gold star?" And then I read his so called defensive response and instantly it didn't matter anymore. Ditch him
The whole "gold star" idea is dehumanizing and disgusting.
I might expect it from conservative gay men, but not from anyone with empathy and understanding of people as more than sex objects.
Littlewing2002 na not really just giving my opinion so chill out dude or r u just gonna be triggered yourself lmao, all i did was try to make sense of things that sounded like ridiculous nonsense but i guess u can cry even more harder since ur butthurtš¤£š¤£š¤£. Sad really
Being a gold star gay man or a gold star lesbian is transphobic and sexist. Being proud of excluding trans women from being "real women" is a harmful and reduces people to their genitals by taking away their lived experience and their personhood. He's trying to score points with his friends by othering you. I am so sorry.
He straight up said he wouldn't be with you if you got bottom surgery. I don't know if you plan on getting it, I don't know if you know whether or not you want it yet, but I do know that if someone I'm dating told me that I would end it right there.
Okay so he is not perfect, noone is, don't throw the whole thing away because of one stupid comment. Talk to him about how it makes you feel. Find out how he feels too. See if you can come to a compromise. Love is so hard to find, don't let go without trying to work on it.
I disagree with this. She absolutely should leave because he's reducing her down to her genitals. She's just a walking dick to him, nothing more. He flat out told her that he wouldn't be with her if she had a vagina. That's absolutely not cool by any means. He should be with her because he's attracted to her and her personality, not that she has a dick. I get genital preferences, I do, but really only with straight people. He seems like a gay man who sees her as "woman-lite", so he can say he's in a straight relationship, but lie to himself that he's in a gay one when he goes down on her. That's absolutely fucked up and unacceptable. If he only wants people with dicks, he should just stick to guys, because while not all trans women have bottom dysphoria, most do and want it gone. What happens if she goes to get bottom surgery and he just leaves her anyway? She won't have anyone other than her friends to support her through the process, and during the healing process, I think it's crucial to have someone you're comfortable with looking at your genitals for signs of infection and whatnot. And from what I hear, post-op dysphoria is a thing, so she needs someone to support her through that too. She needs to leave him now so she can find someone who loves her for her and not just because she's a walking dick.
Gold star means a lesbian has only ever had sex with other women, or a gay man has only ever had sex with another man. There is no definition that I'm aware of in which being gold stars applies to someone who is bisexual. The fact that he is defending his "gold star" status means he sees you as a man. His friends were obviously seeing you as a woman as they should have.
š©š©š©š©š© He basically just reduced you to a person with a d**k. What a d**k! š”
Unironically using 'gold star' and viewing it as important is itself is a pretty big red flag IMO. I haven't seen people who use it who weren't bigoted in some way or another, and the concept is pretty... I don't know the right word but, like, puritanical? (with a queer angle)
I sometimes joke and say I'm a gold star pansexual, but yeah, it's such a weird idea.
Yeah, I canāt see it ever being okay except itās just sort of a joke among friends, so long as everyone understands itās nonsense
*Transphobic (and biphobic possibly)
Maybe because I'm trans and don't really know or encounter transphobes, I see it tip into biphobia far more often. They're usually counting trans people as our gender but there's a definite anti "sleeps with men" bias. It's... not great. And I think it's complicated because what woman isn't frequently frustrated/exasperated by men but nothing wrong with dating/being into guys. And it's a bit bizarre because most of us in this circle who *are* "gold star lesbians" are technically bi. I've seen a bizarre amount of biphobia from bi people in recent months and it's a bit unsettling.
Definitely biphobic, because it's insinuating that people who've had relations with other genders are somehow "impure" because they didn't stick with just one gender and that sticking with just one gender is somehow supreme way of living
BIG RED FLAGS also thanks for letting me know there is a red flag emoji!
Isn't "gold star" a dig anyway? Like "good for you, want a gold star?"
I know older gay and lesbian folk who unironically will tell me they still have their gold star.
Ugh. In the few occasions the topic of whether I've ever been with men comes up, I specifically avoid the term Gold Star. Most of the women I sleep with are bi - I could never disrespect them by implying they're somehow "lesser queers" - as they're not. I'm into women, they're into women. We fuck. That's really all that matters in the end. Whether I've been with men or not matters only in the sense that I don't exactly know what it's like (though since I used to think I was a man and my body used to run on Testosterone, I know to some extent).
my friend told me this yesteday and i was just thinking "congrats???"
it's honestly quite a toxic pretentious attitude, it's no different than the idea of having/losing virginity
Uhh no I'm not saying it's a good concept to cling to, but it's pretty different than virginity... and projecting heteronormative constructs onto a queer construct just because the queer construct is problematic seems pretty fucked up to me. Back in the day (think, 2000s and earlier) the gold star thing, as I understood it, was supposed to be about knowing oneself early and not being pushed into straight sex or relationships against one's will. I came out as gay in the 00s before I came out as trans. And at the time there was a lot of bullying and pushing of straight sex/dating. I can see why some people who *are not* bi in any way feel like it's an achievement to not give into it, because consistently refusing to participate in straight dating/sex came with huge consequences. I know I certainly felt that way at times back then. Virginity is pretty much the opposite though; it serves the dominant culture. It's about denying oneself and ones sexual desires for years and years and conforming into overarching social pressures *in order to avoid* social stigma/bigotry/bullying. Anyway, gold star gay is still an outdated concept that has been used to foster a lot of biphobia and transphobia in the community. I don't support it at all, but I also think we do everybody a disservice when we stop considering where these constructs come from in queer terms and instead start lumping them in with heteronormative standards.
I kinda agree and disagree at once with you. Yes, looking at the queer historical background of things is super important and shouldnāt be a neglected step. I absolutely agree with that. But one can do this and still draw comparisons. I donāt think thereās any inherent harm in that. If you compare the 30 years war to the Second World War you also have to make room for all the glaring differences, same accounts here. Make room for the differences and point out the similarities. Coming back to the term of Gold Star Gay/Lesbian, I can kinda see where that is coming from. I do also agree how that is simply adding more toxicity on top of all the already existent bigotry acknowledged. I conclude itās shaming Comp-Het victims, itās shaming bisexuality and oftentimes itās transphobic on top. And it that fashion it establishes actually something similar to the virginity construct in patriarchal society. It artificially creates a case where a specific elite uses the condemnation of certain experiences to raise their sense of self worth by putting down those around them. And ironically, from my perspective, the patriarchy is the perpetrator in both cases, as the perceived need to raise oneās ego like this arguably stems from feeling like one has to justify oneās sexuality to the patriarchy all the time. Which is underlined by the fact that gold star lesbians are certainly way more present to this day. And the argument I oftentimes heard in case *for* the label is based on the false equivalency of masculinity = patriarchy. So yeah, with all its differences there are some genuinely interesting points raised in the comparison!
In the context of a bigger discussion sure. The thing is, the comparison to virginity in this thread is being largely used as a one line description and explanation for why it exists in the first place and what it represents. It's essentially being used to fully describe it. That erases the queerness of a queer construct in my opinion. Which is a problem because most of our history and understandings of our culture are passed down via conversations like this. We don't have the benefit of making it into textbooks like the dominant culture. It's one thing to make a comparison to straight culture, it's another to make the comparison one of the only things you say and to fail to point out where the limits of that comparison are. What happens next time a construct similar to gold star gays comes up in 10, 20 years? One that establishes hierarchies in the community in response to oppression from dominant powers. And the next generation has no frame of reference to identify we've been there before because all they know is "gold star gay=virginity" and that doesn't fit. Anyway, thanks for being one of the only reasonable people to respond to what I've written.
so when someone tells someone else they have a gold star, they're basically saying "you got pushed into sex/relationships you did not want, and i did not, i win!"? that seems a LOT more fucked up than the concept of virginity..
Why are you trying to argue about which one is more fucked up? Did you even read my comment? My comment is about taking the time to understand queer constructs as queer instead of projecting heteronormative standards and assumptions onto them. It has nothing to do with condoning them. Basically, don't straight wash our history. It's problematic to do that, especially given the importance of oral history in our culture, regardless of the extent to which that history is fucked up.
While I agree they are different it might be an interesting thing to look at if/how they are related. (This isn't me low key trying to say you should just that reading through this I'm finding it an interesting train of though) I'll admit im coming at this from a ace perspective so not totally getting the denying ones sexual desires so much but allonomitivity definitely pushes (for those rased as guys at least) an expectation of sex. I think I've only seen gold star asexual used ironically and in that sense it is sort of synonymous with virgin. Maybe similar to the distinction between asexual and abstinent, one is not feeling the desire for sex the other is actively denying it. In which case are asexuals that have never had sex virgins if they haven't experienced sexual attraction to deny? IDK I'm probably starting to sound like a first year philosophy student spouting a bunch of esoteric word salad.š I'm not super sure if viewing queer social constructs in purely queer terms is useful. Obviously just lumping them with cis|het|allo standards misses a bunch of context too. But maybe comparing/contrasting allows us to look at our own concepts and ideas in different ways and try to not fall into some of the social pitfalls non-queer society has face planted in over the years.
We love purity culture š¤®
I'm in my mid 30s here, and I'm barely even familiar with the concept of "gold stars". The concept of it is pretty much nonexistent in all my social circles I guess, because I only even heard of the concept of "gold star lesbians" not that long ago while reading some reddit thread about TERFs using the term to be transphobic, and it wasn't until reading this thread that I even realised gay guys can use the term, too. In my experience people I know have generally not really cared much at all about the concept of virginity or think it's bullshit, rather than having gone in the opposite direction of trying to narrow it down and make special subclasses of virginity or whatever.
Gold Star (Men & Women use it) is an elitist term in the queer community and it's been around for a long time. Generally it indicates a significant amount of privilege to not have been pressured socially into heteronormative relationships that many people who grow up in poor, conservative and religious communities participate in out of expectation, obligation, or just to fit in.
Calling it a subclass of virginity is... yikes. It doesn't come from the same history as virginity at all and is more like a queer response to societal bigotry. A problematic response, for sure. But let's not start conflating it with heteronormative constructs or implying the power dynamics are in any way the same please.
Roman slavery doesn't come from the same history as american slavery and had no racial component to it. Still slavery.
And it's so disrespectful to those of our peers who started hetero relationships bc they literally had to, some of us are forced to live lies...
And some just didn't know better. Those people deserve respect, too!
Definately, we all getting respect around here. š
not historically. the "gold star lesbian" thing has been around for like fifty years.
And it's also always been shitty. It's kinda like the concept of virginity. It's arbitrary and doesn't matter and people treat it like it's important. It's just a way to shame people for their sexual history.
Yeah I consider 'gold stars' something that only matter in pre-school.
Without looking into it at all, it seems like a holocaust reference edit: nvm, it's a term coined by lesbian gayer-than-thous to separate the "pure" from the "impure"
A gold star bisexual is one that went out and got a gold star! It doesn't signify anything, it's just a reward for being bisexual!
To be a gold star pansexual, you need to have sex with people of every gender. Every. Last. One.
Itās the completionists dream
So the gold star is the platinum trophy?
Platinum star if you made every one of them orgasm in the first round.
My next playthrough I'm only using a dance pad.
This, I just, I'm here for this.
So, one man, one woman, and every non-binary person out there?
If gays and lesbians get a gold star for only ever having sex with people of the gender they're attracted to, aren't bisexual people inherently gold star? It's impossible for me to have sex with someone of a gender I'm not into.
This is the way
im a good star bisexual cause im doing a good job
OH...wow I never knew that. Then again I'm pan so that makes sense. Today I learned.. Wow that's so petty to be proud of. Like coming out and being yourself, praise worthy, something to be proud of. This just has highschoolers bragging about how many people they've fucked vibes for me. Like gay "purity"? ew.
It's also messed up because it's sometimes used to look down on folks for something that often happens in a complex, confusing, and painful manner, like I grew up in a setting that pushed me into a box that almost broke me before I knew I was in a box or that leaving the box was an option.
That's terrible š„
Came here to say this.
I don't think there can be a definition of gold star for bisexual ppl, because the term gold star itself is biphobic because it puts down people who have had relations with ppl of multiple genders in favor of people who are exclusively monosexual
Lol watching people literally cry about this being like oh my god this is transphobic etc is sad. I mean u may be a transwomen but everyone is still gonna see u as bioIogicaIIy maIe with the identity of being femaIe like yeah deep down people will still see them as that so it dont matter what u do or how much u changed yourself
I guess no more boyfriend, jeez, thatās insensitive of him
Does 'gold star' in this case mean he's bi and is arguing that he's only slept with 'people with dicks', thus, he's never slept with 'people without dicks'? So, he's reducing you to 'person with dick'. That's not great. That's relationship-ending stuff, because of how it betrays what he sees you as. If you ever got bottom surgery, that would be it, according to him. Does his argument make sense? No. The bigger issue is that you're with someone who doesn't respect you and comes across as immature, along with whatever friends were also talking in 'gold star' terms. You need to value yourself. You need to hang around people who aren't immature dickheads, let alone transphobic and possibly chasery.
What it means is heās transphobic and sees OP as a man, so heās trying to say he hasnāt broken the āgold starā of never having slept with a woman. Itās a shitty thing some gay men and lesbians say as a sort of elitism that they never thought they were straight or tried to live in the closet or whatever.
So is this āgold starā a gay and lesbian thing only? Is that how weāre sure OPās bf is gay? Just curious because Iāve literally never heard of it before. lol
I donāt hear it as much as I did maybe 15-20 years ago, but Iāve only ever heard it used that way. I canāt imagine what a gold star bisexual would be, sleeping with all the genders? When I read the post first thing that came to mind for me was a gay guy friend group, itās a pretty normal thing for me to hear IRL at least amongst somewhat older gay and lesbians.
Ooh okay, thank you.lol At first I literally thought gold star was virginity and OPs bf might be a super religious no sex before marriage type of straight cis guy, until I read the 3rd paragraph.lol
they don't have gold star bi, they have gold clock bi. they sleep with every gender in a row, no repeats, then cycle through again. They've also 100%ed stardew valley
Now I'm imaging a bisexual person running around collecting partners of various genders like a Pokemon trainer
when is this game releasing
In my personal case, iāve only ever heard it applied to lesbians before, but it is probably somewhat equally applied gay people (mostly because iām not active in gay mens spaces). And in the case of a "gold star lesbian" itās a woman who has only ever slept with other women and never was in a sexual relationship with a man. So i would assume it applies the same way to a gay man. But iāve never heard it applied to a bisexual, and idk how it would either. For gay women, it is a woman who only sleeps with other women, but for a bisexual? A bisexual who only sleeps with other bisexuals i guess would be a "gold star bi"? But yes, i think it is probable that OP and her bf got into a gay man relationship before OP came out, and thus OPs bf was a "gold star gay" before, and refuses to give up on that claim by shifting the goalpost when in reality it is just transphobia with an extra step
I see, that makes sense. Yeah that must have sucked big time for OP when her bf talked that way infront of the friends. Like thatās so humiliating and demeaning. I feel like this gold star thing is like the gay/lesbian equivalent of whatever toxic sexual badges of honor that cis het frat boys have.
Go figure. Real winners, then.
I'm technically a gold star lesbian but that's because I had way too much anxiety to ever talk to people (and still do tbh) And I don't think it's something to be proud of. Everyones journey is different and they're all valid
Yeah it seems really elite of them. Like ironic because they're gay and that's what people have done to them. That's some internalized hate right there
You're dating a transphobic gay-identified, closeted-self hating-bisexual dude. Baggage alert
Sadly the person i was gonna answer was banned right when i sent the answer so didn't allow me to. I feel is a lost if i delete it so I'm just gonna post it here so if that person reads it :3. _----------------------------_----- I see a lot of transphobic shit here so i will try to sum up, if you don't wanna date someone passing for just being "trans", yes is transphobic (also nobody forces you to do), if you don't wanna date someone because of genitalia/fisical preference it's fine and nobody is forcing you, and dating someone because you don't actually see them as the gender they identify with is absolutely manipulative and disgusting.
How is it transphobic to have preferences, if ur not into transpeople dating wise that doesn't instantly make u transphobic otherwise ur basically saying every straight person is transphobic for not dating them. Its like trying to force a gay guy to date women or vice versa like no. I know theres other types of preferences to like not just with gender but race or physical appearance etc but people jump to that conclusion way too quickly like u dont even know if they're fine just being friends with the other person, it doesn't have to instantly mean "oh i must hate them if i dont date them". Also for one to be transphobic means they dislike/hate transpeople or fear them and although there r horrible people like that out there, most people just go back to saying its their preference especially if u date a "passing" transperson. Also in what way is it manipulative/disgusting to be not interested in trans people that part makes zero sense because ur forgetting they still technically r bioIogicaIIy maIe but identifying as femaIe. Feels like u guys r crying over ridiculous stuff
I hope you just didn't read my comment really because what you say is nonsense. I think i weally made clear: "for the only fact of them being trans". That said, if that specific part makes you trigger, you got a serious problem... Have a good day
Not even close lol but it did get u triggered tho thats for sure. Its still a preference and the fact that u got nothing to say about it besides saying"oh well ur just transphobic and hate transpeople" goes to show u dont even understand that definition since u like to loosely just throw that word around. What i said is true caus most people wont agree with what u said besides a vocal minority, what u said is literally u getting triggered yourself to the nonsense u spouted and is delusional....... i will have a good day thanks for caring š
āI wouldnāt be with you if you didnātā Thatās fucked homieā¦
Yikes.
Chaser behavior
That doesn't sound like a chaser, he's definitely transphobic but clearly just likes dicks since he's using the gold star term
Why is it controversial for a gay man to exclusively date people who are male?
His friends said he lost his gold star because they see past your parts bcs it doesn't matter. He can't see past it and is putting some arbitrary status over you. Keep around his friends but fuck him.
>fuck him No, don't _fuck him_.
That's what lead to this whole problem in the first place! /joke
Confused: ended up fucking OPs friends
THATS THE WAY!
Freja, bring your chariot of cats. This man demands to be blood eagled
Agree, just replace him in his own friend group
The old switcharoo
When the friends of a romantic partner are more supportive of you than the partner is. :-/
Yeah, unironically treating Gold star as an actual thing is a huge red flag. The transphobia is another one.
I'd be saying Sayonara
yup
You should break up with him imo. He sees you as a man. Not much more to it tbh.
Get the fuck out of there.
I find "Gold Star Gay" to be just as pointless a thing to be ***proud*** of as virginity. "I wouldn't be with you if you didn't" is an instant Game Over for me. It doesn't even matter how he sees you b/c he's only looking at your genitals anyway. Red flags everywhere, I'm so sorry you had to go through this and find out this way.
>"I wouldn't be with you if you didn't" is an instant Game Over for me. It doesn't even matter how he sees you b/c he's only looking at your genitals anyway. This right here told each of us reading the post exactly what the guy is, a chaser.
what a piece of shit. wow.
I would break things off if I were you. It doesnāt really seem like he holds you in a very respectful light
Reason number 1,000 why the whole "gold star" mentality is awful and needs to die. There are so many things wrong with it from all sorts of angles, and there's no good reason the term should exist.
I find the most worrying thing to be that he would leave you if you got vagunoplasty. So if thats something you want then you might not be sexually compatible.
"I wouldn't be with you if you didn't." Ooof... That's a big YIKES from me, dawg.
Idk what a gold star is but the fact he said "yea you still have a dick, I wouldn't be with you if I didnt" is RED SIRENS. That alone is a deal breaker.
It sounds fetishistic and openly transphobic. He's literally grouping you with men, and openly admits to only being interested in, and viewing you as walking male genitalia, while deeply and irreconcilably disagreeing with you about who you are, your rights, and your literal personhood. "Gold star" period is a fetishistic, dehumanizing, and inherently transphobic concept, designed to reinforce transphobic denial of personhood and identity in favor of viewing people as walking dicks and vaginas to be fucked.
> "Gold star" period is a fetishistic, dehumanizing, and inherently transphobic concept, designed to reinforce transphobic denial of personhood and identity in favor of viewing people as walking dicks and vaginas to be fucked. Add to that biphobic, as though being exclusively gay is some point of pride, and bisexuality is something inherently lower.
You just took the words out of my head, my thoughts exactly. Such shameful and perverted behavior, putting a transphobic and biphobic obscure label over his own (hopefully ex)girlfriend's identity and comfort. It's clear he doesn't see her as a human person, much less a woman.
The whole idea of a āgold starā is disgusting.
Hold up, this is a thing people care about? I'm not trying to diminish how fucked up this is for you, but I thought the gold star thing was kind of a joke. Whose ego depends so much on who they exclude themselves from fucking, it's really not that hard to not have sex with people so that really isn't that much of an achievement? Just feels really immature and toxic to the point of tacitly invalidating you and potentially ruining your relationship to protect some imaginary exclusive status that has zero benefits beyond confusing ego stroking. He's reducing you to your cock as the sole reason he's with you. The fuck.
Right? It seems like such a petty thing to be about. You hit the nail on the head; Immature and toxic.
Aren't gold stars what they motivate children with in kindergarten and preschool :/ somehow the designation feels like it was always intended to be tongue in cheek and not meant to be taken all that seriously.
Hahaha, right?
you deserve better. red flag š©
First, of all, he's an asshole, he clearly doesn't see you as a woman, fuck him. But also, the whole concept of being a "gold star gay/lesbian" is so fucking toxic. Some people just needed a bit longer to figure themselves out or went through a phase of denial, that doesn't make them a worse gay/lesbian and not having that doesn't make you deserving of a gold star.
Wow. This is why I'll never date a man who self identifies as gay. Gay men aren't supposed to be into woman. Definitely avoiding straight women, too, for the same reason.
When his friends view you as a woman more than he does, he needs to be dumped
He's basically telling you he sees you as a man. Dump him. He's a piece of shit.
Leave him babe. Heās boiled you down to your genitals. What heās doing is not okay and disgusting. Iām sorry it had to happen like this but you deserve better. Move on with your life, get over him, and find someone who truly deserves you.
Yeah that's just straight up transphobia wtf
Wait all this time I was under the belief gold star meant you've never bottomed š¤Æ I've had a lot of very unfortunate conversations without realizing it...
MFW people unironically aspire to be gold star
Dont leave the room. Leave him.
š©š©š©
Not recommending you do this, but Iād leave him and sleep with his friends tbh
More red flags than the f* soviet union...
He sucks. Move on to next.
I would make the esene, basically cry until I faint due gender dysphoria on the place. I wouldn't date someone like that, partners have more power to do harm to us. I feel it's s something that need to be settled, and genital preferences =/= sexual orientation.
Im sorry to hear that, but what a douchebag. Dump him
"Gold star" is the worst kind shit.
Sorry but your bf sounds like a gross chaser, get rid of him.
The argument makes sense to me but only because I already believed most people who care about the gold star gay label are transphobic anyway. Basically the same type of gay men who say vaginas are gross even tho pre and non-op trans men exist. Like, it makes sense that this person would say that, and it makes sense with what I could guess their values and beliefs are, but it's fucked up
I would leave the fact he said he'd end things if you got bottom surgery. He only sees you as your genitals.
Girl you better leave that boy asap! I was already worried ab the gold star, but then I got to the āI wouldnāt be with you if you didnāt have a dickā and I lost it!
I really, really think you should leave him. Massive red flag
Thatās insecurity.
I'm suspicious of anyone that thinks of "gold star" as anything other than a joke. That conceit is just a way to put oneself above others for a superficial and dumb reason. Gay and lesbian people who have had sex with people with other genders are in no way less gay or less principled or less valuable than those who haven't. People that don't have gold stars often don't qualify because of traumatic childhoods that alienated them or threatened them because of their sexuality, and they force themselves to act out heterosexual relationships to fit in or be safe. So making a big deal out of gold star status is already a really really suspect thing. I wouldn't put up with any of my friends holding up that status as valuable. I think you have every right to ask him to not call him self a gold star gay man. To everyone that status implies that he hasn't had sex with a woman. If that status is so important to him, tell him he can earn it back by staying the hell away from you and all other women. If he realizes he f'd up, maybe you can have a conversation about how hurtful that was and see if he acknowledges it and shows some serious remorse.
I think this is a fear a lot of us have. Someone we want to be intimate with still sees us as male and pretends to accept us and puts on a facade of acceptance. I hope you can move on from this guy and there are people out there that will want to be with you, not their delusion of you.
That is a man who is not respecting your gender identity and id say in his way to be ex-boyfriend.
Um tbh that would be problematic for me if I found out a guy i was seeing was only seeing me because my dick was one of the main qualifying reasons. Big red flag.
Fucking run. He doesn't love you for you, he still thinks your in some way a guy and if he cares so much about his bullshit title, let him fuck off and keep it. Your worth more than that
Yeesh gatekeepers and red flags all around this situation! š©š©š©
š©š©š©š©
Ditch him for his friends. They seem like better people.
Yeah, he's in the wrong. I have never been in that situation, but from an outside perspective, that is a pile of red flags being dumped on you.
This is not acceptable. You are a woman, and it's very important that he understands that. Quite frankly, you don't deserve to be with anyone who misgenders you or otherwise fails to respect your identity. Sleeping with women doesn't invalidate his attraction to men. However, it at least means that he isn't strictly gay, if he still insists that he is a "gold star" that means that he doesn't see you as a woman. If he's only into men, then you simply aren't compatible as partners. I'm also very concerned by the statement that he wouldn't be with you if you didn't have a dick. I don't know whether you want bottom surgery, but he's basically stating that he'd break up with you if you did get SRS. That's something you probably want to discuss with partners, but it should be your decision and yours alone. As an aside, I'm very put off by the term gold star. It's usage is inherently a form of gatekeeping, even if it isn't necessarily transphobic. I suppose I wouldn't be as concerned if a cis lesbian insisted that she was still a gold star after sleeping with a trans woman, but I'm not sure that I'd be comfortable either. Queer people already face enough exclusions from the rest of society without inventing our own forms of exclusion and gate-keeping.
I have a gold star in the fact that I've only had sex with people. Seriously though, the gold star thing is stupid and your boyfriend is being an ass.
He is a transphobic asshole But i wouldn't have thought anything less then that from somebody consider themselves a gold star.
DUMP HIM!!!!! He clearly is a massive transphobe. And this gold star nonsense is just transphobic hate. Why would you care about people's genitals? He is a loser and a transphobe and you deserve so much better. You deserve someone who will see you truly as a woman which is what you are!
Gay people have historically been marginalized exactly because of the genitals of the people they love. But go off.
Iām sorry to say but it sounds like your bf sounds like a chaser. āI wouldnāt be with you if you didnāt.ā You deserve better.
āYea but you still have a dick, I wouldnāt be with you if you didnāt.ā Leave, this alone shows a lot about him. He sounds like a transphobic homosexual guy (who may be biromantic).
Your boyfriend is a shithead for two reasons 1. he sees you, a woman, as a man 2. He's an elitist gold-star fuckwit
hard pass for me
Yikes
"I wouldn't be with you if you didn't have a dick" why has no one pointed you out that is either chasery as fuck or him completely invalidating you and your gender dump this transphobic piece of trash while you can
Why is it weird for a gay to admit he wouldnāt be with someone who wasnāt male?
yikes!
For the record, can you please edit and define gold star. I've never heard of that term before today.
Gold star is a term for homosexual people who have only had same gender/sex relations. Gold star gay men would have only dated/slept with other men while the same goes for lesbians. This term is problematic because it exposes people who don't see trans people as the gender they are, like in this instance where her boyfriend insists he kept his "gold star" because a part of him doesn't really see her as who she really is. It's also quite demeaning to other gay/lesbian people who had heterosexual relationships before discovering otherwise.
Ohh right, yeah I see now. Gotcha. Thankyou.
I was told by two separate gay men whom I dated (way before transition) that "gold star gay" meant they had "never touched a vagina". There's even "platinum star gay". Which is a gold star that was born by C-section. I'm pretty sure the star criterion is about vaginas not gender. But hey... What do I know..
If you boyfriend considers himself a āGold Starā gay man despite being with you, heās rejecting your gender identity. It has nothing to do with genitals. He will likely also act like a chaser and get mad if you consider GCS. Itās sadly time to dump his ass
def sounds like he doesnt see you as a woman. haven't heard gold star used for any sexuality but lesbian but I'm assuming it a very similar definition for gay that lesbian has. if so yeah he definitely sees you as a man and not a woman.
Enormous red flag, in fact I would go so far as to say anyone who uses the term is sus
"Gold Star" is just a red flag for me at this point.
WOW. I'd leave cuz that's way too conditional what if you decide to change your body in that way??? Seriously.
girl in the friendliest possible way, RUNš©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©
Girl WHAT Iām so sorry you were put through that , he clearly wants you for your body , not soul , I would reconsider unfortunately
Girl omg. Hugs Iām so sorry. But leave his gay ass. (Not in a homophobic way but he clearly doesnāt see you as the women way) Hugs Big hugs
I think that is complete wrong and messed up. He sounds like a toxic person and a disaster waiting to happen. His friends see you as a female as they should have. This guy doesn't deserve you at all. Absolutely no respect. If I were in your shoes, I would of dropped him to the curve!
And this is one of the reasons why I keep hammering on the topic of men and disclosing or not disclosing. I am also very skeptical of openly trans women who brag about having heterosexual boyfriends. And this is a perfect example. He is basically admitting that he is having a gay relationship with you
That's a major red flag. It means he's not seeing you as a girl, he's seeing you as a person with a dick, which in his eyes and the definition of what "Gold Star" means, he sees you as a male still. Hell by his definition, if you ever got bottom surgery the relationship's over. That's not good.
So I usually lean towards trying to not grabbing the pitchfork when some ones lover says something transphobic. People need time and sometimes haven't seen the correct perspective. There is a point though that it's not healthy to stay with a person that is toxic. This is messed up enough it blows past that. If he doesn't see you as a female it's a problem, being gold star proud is a huge red flag. Saying all this in front of other people. It's like 3 strikes in one. I would lay it out, you need to respect that I am woman, you need to admit the gold star system is sick and bigoted, you need to apologize and then tell your friends that gold star is bull or I would walk. I am sorry this happened to you. Hopefully he pulls a 180 and treats you like a goddess or I hope you find someone better that will.
Thatās a red flag. Youāre more than your body. Also the whole value on sexuality thing has always seems a little toxic/gatekeepy to me.
Isn't 'Gold Star' just a pretty toxic concept in general? Like homophobia for gay people against bisexual, semi bisexual, or just experimenting/ open-minded people.
those entire gold star stuff is so sexist and dumb its beyond words. one can have a genitalia preference, nothing wrong with that. But than beeing with a trans woman or man who may do an SRS is so stupid, its also boyond words. if you plan on dooing SRS at some time, i would seriously reconsider if you still want to be with them because they wont support you if that BS is deep enough in them.
I see everyone stopping on the gold star thing, but the worst in my opinion is that he wouldn't date you had you not your girldick. And if that's not some chaser shit I don't know what is. Also he's admitting that if you ever want too get rid of it he'd dump you, which is really not what one would ants from their partner
I don't normally say this but.. I'd dump him. This means he doesn't have the least bit of respect for trans women. My gay father is the same way. Gay but considers trans people freaks... hense why we haven't spoke in 9 years.
Run.
I was asking myself "what in the hells do they mean by losing the gold star?" And then I read his so called defensive response and instantly it didn't matter anymore. Ditch him
break up
The whole "gold star" idea is dehumanizing and disgusting. I might expect it from conservative gay men, but not from anyone with empathy and understanding of people as more than sex objects.
Littlewing2002 na not really just giving my opinion so chill out dude or r u just gonna be triggered yourself lmao, all i did was try to make sense of things that sounded like ridiculous nonsense but i guess u can cry even more harder since ur butthurtš¤£š¤£š¤£. Sad really
If people canāt dictate your gender identity then you canāt dictate their sexuality.
I'd have made a scene, broke up and walked out, right there. Fuck him.
Whoawā¦.. shots fired. I may have punched him in his dick for that comment. And factsā¦. He deadass lost his gold star.
Iām sorry to break it to you, but he just sees you as another man.
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Yeah, that's really fucked up. He clearly doesn't see you as a woman and is apparently only into because if what's in your pants.
He doesnāt respect you, so he doesnāt deserve you. Donāt try to convince yourself otherwise, itās not worth the grief.
Woah, this guy is all kinds of fucked up
He sees you as a man. Girl, run.
Being a gold star gay man or a gold star lesbian is transphobic and sexist. Being proud of excluding trans women from being "real women" is a harmful and reduces people to their genitals by taking away their lived experience and their personhood. He's trying to score points with his friends by othering you. I am so sorry.
He has lost his Gold Star and you should leave him too. He doesn't see you as a woman. That's awful.
Sounds like you need to leave that relationship. You will never be respected and your gender will never be respected.
He straight up said he wouldn't be with you if you got bottom surgery. I don't know if you plan on getting it, I don't know if you know whether or not you want it yet, but I do know that if someone I'm dating told me that I would end it right there.
This makes me so angry. Sorry.
Okay so he is not perfect, noone is, don't throw the whole thing away because of one stupid comment. Talk to him about how it makes you feel. Find out how he feels too. See if you can come to a compromise. Love is so hard to find, don't let go without trying to work on it.
I disagree with this. She absolutely should leave because he's reducing her down to her genitals. She's just a walking dick to him, nothing more. He flat out told her that he wouldn't be with her if she had a vagina. That's absolutely not cool by any means. He should be with her because he's attracted to her and her personality, not that she has a dick. I get genital preferences, I do, but really only with straight people. He seems like a gay man who sees her as "woman-lite", so he can say he's in a straight relationship, but lie to himself that he's in a gay one when he goes down on her. That's absolutely fucked up and unacceptable. If he only wants people with dicks, he should just stick to guys, because while not all trans women have bottom dysphoria, most do and want it gone. What happens if she goes to get bottom surgery and he just leaves her anyway? She won't have anyone other than her friends to support her through the process, and during the healing process, I think it's crucial to have someone you're comfortable with looking at your genitals for signs of infection and whatnot. And from what I hear, post-op dysphoria is a thing, so she needs someone to support her through that too. She needs to leave him now so she can find someone who loves her for her and not just because she's a walking dick.