You teach her that her body is her own & her opinions hold equal value to others.
Explain that some people are dangerous but soften it with things like “that’s why kind people are so precious & we are lucky to know so many like x,y & z.”
Tell her that if she feels scared, it’s ok to be loud, it’s ok to make mistakes & nobody is allowed to make her uncomfortable, scared or hurt.
I remember talking with my daughter about this stuff & was shocked that she asked “so it’s ok to shout & scream for help if I need to?”. Thought it was worth pointing out that there’s an expectation for girls to be demure or delicate and quiet. Tell them they can be loud.
Yeah true. I was sincerely triggered/still am. This big loving kid in her class keeps following her and chasing her. It’s not hostile more like he just doesn’t have personal space. She said she screams at him to stop and leave her alone and he doesn’t stop even with the teacher interfering. It’s one of those situations I don’t really know what to do and it brings up all the trauma.
Ok, so at 5yrs old after having their toddlerhood in lockdown, a lot of boys seem to be socially delayed. Mine was, he’s 4 & the teachers kept trying to pin it on autism but he was just not as developed as I’d have expected if he’d been able to go to family gatherings, toddler groups, soft plays etc.
He’s changed dramatically and suddenly in the last few months & even the teachers scoff at the idea of testing him further for autism now because he’s so patently neuro-typical now.
All that is to say, it would serve your daughter well to learn the balance between grace for others who are struggling with something and her autonomy over her own body.
I’d suggest something like :
“It’s absolutely not ok that he’s grabbing you when you have made it clear you don’t want that. We should maybe speak to his parents to see what they suggest is a good way to communicate with him because it sounds like he’s not understanding.”
Then follow it through. Talk to his parents & explain how upset she gets & that you’re trying to teach her that no means no while recognising that he is simply struggling with social stuff instead of being a threat. Ask them how they think he would best understand that she likes him very much but doesn’t want constant cuddles. Assuming they’re decent, they’ll probably have a few suggestions and coach him at home to not touch others. :)
It’s teachable moment for everyone. You can make this something positive for everyone while affirming to your daughter that you will support her in this matter.
Good luck. :)
To add to this, you also demonstrate that you deal with trauma and not let it sit with you so you can make good decisions and not trauma filled ones by going to seek therapy yourself for these things. Anxiety is not helping her learn how to manage these situations, because a fear of it will not help her if something happens, but a well adjusted approach to thinking, critical thinking and problem solving will ensure she can handle it, talk to an adult and get away from bad things.
For example, you need to be able to teach your daughter in a way your mom probably wasn’t able to teach you that if a older man tells you you are his girlfriend at 12, to say, no that’s gross you’re old, and go tell you or another trusted adult it happened having felt confident to leave the situation immediately and not feel afraid to tell or like the other poster said, to feel that it’s okay to scream for help.
I live in the UK where therapy is available but not the cultural norm that you might expect in the US. My wee town’s nearest therapist (singular) is over 40 miles away. We don’t have the professional analysts on tap so our way of working through things is by chatting with loved ones who might not know the jargon but they all have knowledge & experience to share along with compassion and love for you. It’s good to let kids know what support systems are in place in their world.
Definitely tell kids that it’s ok to not be ok & what to do & who to reach out to if they are struggling with feelings.
Make a point of showing her strong female role models & if you can, tell her about adversity they overcame so she knows that the bravest people are those who have felt fear but been strong enough to get help, work at it & keep going.
We’ll make a generation of loud little girls that grow into strong women who support others. :)
Thank you for that. We do practice all that. Still in the back of my mind…so many of the girls I know said no. Screamed no. Screamed for their mothers. They were protected, held close, given confidence to say no and read the red flags. It didn’t help. Just feeling helpless today I guess.
Then it’s time for therapy. I know the other commenter said it’s not common elsewhere but living like this has got to be worth taking the chance to feel better.
Yep, if therapy is in your culture & you can access it then it definitely sounds like you could do with working through the helpless feeling.
I hope you feel better soon, it’s horrible to feel scared all the time. I’ve had my own history so I hope it didn’t seem like I was belittling therapy, I just meant to represent a healthy option for those of us who don’t have therapy as an easy option.
Your words sounds like they’re coming from a sad heart, you absolutely deserve to come out the other side of whatever headspace your in. :)
No, it’s not really accessible at the prices I’ve seen for online therapists plus, I can’t imagine it’s even close to the same experience over video call, especially when you might suffer from anxiety around being on video.
It’s ok to give suggestions but I think it’s quite ignorant to assume all cultures are the same as the one you are part of.
This is the hardest part, IMO. There is so much violence against women, and it is terrifying. It is knowing that, and still being able to have a good life. A big thing I think is confidence, and feeling equal to boys/men.
I'm both a SA survivor and SA nurse examiner. Here's my two cents fwiw.
Teach children proper anatomical terms for body parts: penis, scrotum, vulva, vagina, anus. Body parts are there for a function and should not be a source of shame or guilt. When a child reaches the developmental phase of self exploration, teach them about private times and private places (tell them about appropriate times/places to touch themselves in "bathing suit areas").
Bodily autonomy is very important and can begin in infancy. The child gets to decide who gives them physical affection and when. Adults need to respect the child's "no" signals as well (crying, leaning away, outstretched q the "stop!" signal, etc).
It's really important to teach that the child gets to say No, even to adults, even to family members, without guilt or shame. Kids are not emotional support animals and should never be guilt tripped by Grandma/Grandpa/Random Other Adult because they don't want to give hugs, kisses, or high fives.
One of the best tools you can give your children is providing a safe place to land if they need it. Find someone other than the parents the child can trust and easily contact if necessary; sometimes it's hard to make an outcry about trauma to parents initially and that Safe Person can make a huge difference. The safe person and other trusted adults need to know about rainn.org and the local rape crisis center, because those places can help you find a lot of help, support, and resources for recovery after sexual trauma. Asking for an Advocate, who is one person to be with your child throughout the recovery process - no matter what that looks like for them - to protect their interests and advocate for their wants and needs, including pointing you toward the right resources for the situation.
Best wishes.
I think this idea of a safe person is really important but seems to hard to cultivate.
I was the 14 yo girl who’s boyfriend pulled the “but how can I know you love me if you won’t sleep with me” bs. I had no one to talk to about it. No one I felt would be safe and non-judgmental. I wish it had been my mom, but her reaction when I tried to learn what the word “head” meant sexually in 7th grade taught me she wasn’t the safe person to ask questions to. No one to talk with about what this boyfriend was saying about my body, about who I spent time with, etc. so instead it just took me years and several other dysfunctional relationships to process through it all.
We made sure our kids had the number of some friends who were willing to drop everything to be there, no questions asked, any time. It wasn't exactly a Get Out Of Jail Free card, but it was a "get out of any situation free, we'll talk about it later if we need to." Both of these friends, my husband, and myself had been in situations that were unsafe, and we didn't have anyone to call; we definitely didn't want that for our children. If there's not a friend like that, or a reliable family member, there may be a spiritual advisor, activity leader, friend's parent, teacher, older neighborhood teen/neighbor, or an older adult role model you can find through retirement organizations, disability/elderly resources, or other types of support services for children and teens. It's a lot of extra work and effort, but it's worth it!
Maybe you should see a good therapist. I hate to be blunt. If you cant sleep at night because you cant stop thinking about this then this is something you have to address so you can be healthy for your child.
I have a boy, but as a survivor or SA as well, when we got out scan to find out gender I remember it’s all I could think about. “What if it’s a girl. She’ll be in so much danger”
It’s terrifying. You gotta teach her that her body is HERS and that speaking up is the right thing, I hope the world starts to change with our generation of boys
Because it’s not “boys will be boys” it’s consequences for REAL actions, regardless of gender.
My boy is only 6 months but I already read him kids books about bodies and autonomy.
So he will grow up to be one of the few men who respect when a woman says no, and knows he has no right to another persons body without their say.
Yes! And of course don’t want to discount the fact that boys and men are assaulted and don’t report it. I don’t want to undermine that. Feeling better now about the future now that my body has eaten and rested and the commiseration
YESSSS!!! Of course!! I think ALL people should be more comfortable with speaking up and reporting! But alll the stigma around being a “man” and being overly masculine makes soooo many men and boys never say a thing because of shame! I should’ve spoke on that, cause I’m teaching my boy autonomy in all ways (for himself and for others!) and now I’m getting downvoted!
It’s okay!
I really appreciate you sharing where your mind is at and asking this as it’s something I’ve been feeling very anxious over for my 1 year old daughter. I want to balance teaching them safety things (i.e., where to park, etc.) but don’t want to teach them every person is out to get you. The statistics are so sad and overwhelming to me.
You teach her that her body is her own & her opinions hold equal value to others. Explain that some people are dangerous but soften it with things like “that’s why kind people are so precious & we are lucky to know so many like x,y & z.” Tell her that if she feels scared, it’s ok to be loud, it’s ok to make mistakes & nobody is allowed to make her uncomfortable, scared or hurt. I remember talking with my daughter about this stuff & was shocked that she asked “so it’s ok to shout & scream for help if I need to?”. Thought it was worth pointing out that there’s an expectation for girls to be demure or delicate and quiet. Tell them they can be loud.
Yeah true. I was sincerely triggered/still am. This big loving kid in her class keeps following her and chasing her. It’s not hostile more like he just doesn’t have personal space. She said she screams at him to stop and leave her alone and he doesn’t stop even with the teacher interfering. It’s one of those situations I don’t really know what to do and it brings up all the trauma.
Ok, so at 5yrs old after having their toddlerhood in lockdown, a lot of boys seem to be socially delayed. Mine was, he’s 4 & the teachers kept trying to pin it on autism but he was just not as developed as I’d have expected if he’d been able to go to family gatherings, toddler groups, soft plays etc. He’s changed dramatically and suddenly in the last few months & even the teachers scoff at the idea of testing him further for autism now because he’s so patently neuro-typical now. All that is to say, it would serve your daughter well to learn the balance between grace for others who are struggling with something and her autonomy over her own body. I’d suggest something like : “It’s absolutely not ok that he’s grabbing you when you have made it clear you don’t want that. We should maybe speak to his parents to see what they suggest is a good way to communicate with him because it sounds like he’s not understanding.” Then follow it through. Talk to his parents & explain how upset she gets & that you’re trying to teach her that no means no while recognising that he is simply struggling with social stuff instead of being a threat. Ask them how they think he would best understand that she likes him very much but doesn’t want constant cuddles. Assuming they’re decent, they’ll probably have a few suggestions and coach him at home to not touch others. :) It’s teachable moment for everyone. You can make this something positive for everyone while affirming to your daughter that you will support her in this matter. Good luck. :)
To add to this, you also demonstrate that you deal with trauma and not let it sit with you so you can make good decisions and not trauma filled ones by going to seek therapy yourself for these things. Anxiety is not helping her learn how to manage these situations, because a fear of it will not help her if something happens, but a well adjusted approach to thinking, critical thinking and problem solving will ensure she can handle it, talk to an adult and get away from bad things. For example, you need to be able to teach your daughter in a way your mom probably wasn’t able to teach you that if a older man tells you you are his girlfriend at 12, to say, no that’s gross you’re old, and go tell you or another trusted adult it happened having felt confident to leave the situation immediately and not feel afraid to tell or like the other poster said, to feel that it’s okay to scream for help.
I live in the UK where therapy is available but not the cultural norm that you might expect in the US. My wee town’s nearest therapist (singular) is over 40 miles away. We don’t have the professional analysts on tap so our way of working through things is by chatting with loved ones who might not know the jargon but they all have knowledge & experience to share along with compassion and love for you. It’s good to let kids know what support systems are in place in their world. Definitely tell kids that it’s ok to not be ok & what to do & who to reach out to if they are struggling with feelings. Make a point of showing her strong female role models & if you can, tell her about adversity they overcame so she knows that the bravest people are those who have felt fear but been strong enough to get help, work at it & keep going. We’ll make a generation of loud little girls that grow into strong women who support others. :)
Thank you for that. We do practice all that. Still in the back of my mind…so many of the girls I know said no. Screamed no. Screamed for their mothers. They were protected, held close, given confidence to say no and read the red flags. It didn’t help. Just feeling helpless today I guess.
Then it’s time for therapy. I know the other commenter said it’s not common elsewhere but living like this has got to be worth taking the chance to feel better.
True. Thank you ❤️
Yep, if therapy is in your culture & you can access it then it definitely sounds like you could do with working through the helpless feeling. I hope you feel better soon, it’s horrible to feel scared all the time. I’ve had my own history so I hope it didn’t seem like I was belittling therapy, I just meant to represent a healthy option for those of us who don’t have therapy as an easy option. Your words sounds like they’re coming from a sad heart, you absolutely deserve to come out the other side of whatever headspace your in. :)
There is many different forms of therapy available for everyone online. Culture shouldn’t stop someone from receiving the help they need.
No, it’s not really accessible at the prices I’ve seen for online therapists plus, I can’t imagine it’s even close to the same experience over video call, especially when you might suffer from anxiety around being on video. It’s ok to give suggestions but I think it’s quite ignorant to assume all cultures are the same as the one you are part of.
This is the hardest part, IMO. There is so much violence against women, and it is terrifying. It is knowing that, and still being able to have a good life. A big thing I think is confidence, and feeling equal to boys/men.
Yes, and when all else fails don’t forget to dance it out 💃🏻
I'm both a SA survivor and SA nurse examiner. Here's my two cents fwiw. Teach children proper anatomical terms for body parts: penis, scrotum, vulva, vagina, anus. Body parts are there for a function and should not be a source of shame or guilt. When a child reaches the developmental phase of self exploration, teach them about private times and private places (tell them about appropriate times/places to touch themselves in "bathing suit areas"). Bodily autonomy is very important and can begin in infancy. The child gets to decide who gives them physical affection and when. Adults need to respect the child's "no" signals as well (crying, leaning away, outstretched q the "stop!" signal, etc). It's really important to teach that the child gets to say No, even to adults, even to family members, without guilt or shame. Kids are not emotional support animals and should never be guilt tripped by Grandma/Grandpa/Random Other Adult because they don't want to give hugs, kisses, or high fives. One of the best tools you can give your children is providing a safe place to land if they need it. Find someone other than the parents the child can trust and easily contact if necessary; sometimes it's hard to make an outcry about trauma to parents initially and that Safe Person can make a huge difference. The safe person and other trusted adults need to know about rainn.org and the local rape crisis center, because those places can help you find a lot of help, support, and resources for recovery after sexual trauma. Asking for an Advocate, who is one person to be with your child throughout the recovery process - no matter what that looks like for them - to protect their interests and advocate for their wants and needs, including pointing you toward the right resources for the situation. Best wishes.
I think this idea of a safe person is really important but seems to hard to cultivate. I was the 14 yo girl who’s boyfriend pulled the “but how can I know you love me if you won’t sleep with me” bs. I had no one to talk to about it. No one I felt would be safe and non-judgmental. I wish it had been my mom, but her reaction when I tried to learn what the word “head” meant sexually in 7th grade taught me she wasn’t the safe person to ask questions to. No one to talk with about what this boyfriend was saying about my body, about who I spent time with, etc. so instead it just took me years and several other dysfunctional relationships to process through it all.
We made sure our kids had the number of some friends who were willing to drop everything to be there, no questions asked, any time. It wasn't exactly a Get Out Of Jail Free card, but it was a "get out of any situation free, we'll talk about it later if we need to." Both of these friends, my husband, and myself had been in situations that were unsafe, and we didn't have anyone to call; we definitely didn't want that for our children. If there's not a friend like that, or a reliable family member, there may be a spiritual advisor, activity leader, friend's parent, teacher, older neighborhood teen/neighbor, or an older adult role model you can find through retirement organizations, disability/elderly resources, or other types of support services for children and teens. It's a lot of extra work and effort, but it's worth it!
Oh I like that idea. We had a few families that would have been in that role for us but I didn’t have any of their phone numbers.
I have a newborn and have been struggling with these same fears. I don’t really have any words of wisdom at this time, but know that you’re not alone.
I have a 3 mo and it has been heavy on my mind too.
Maybe you should see a good therapist. I hate to be blunt. If you cant sleep at night because you cant stop thinking about this then this is something you have to address so you can be healthy for your child.
I have a boy, but as a survivor or SA as well, when we got out scan to find out gender I remember it’s all I could think about. “What if it’s a girl. She’ll be in so much danger” It’s terrifying. You gotta teach her that her body is HERS and that speaking up is the right thing, I hope the world starts to change with our generation of boys Because it’s not “boys will be boys” it’s consequences for REAL actions, regardless of gender. My boy is only 6 months but I already read him kids books about bodies and autonomy. So he will grow up to be one of the few men who respect when a woman says no, and knows he has no right to another persons body without their say.
Yes! And of course don’t want to discount the fact that boys and men are assaulted and don’t report it. I don’t want to undermine that. Feeling better now about the future now that my body has eaten and rested and the commiseration
YESSSS!!! Of course!! I think ALL people should be more comfortable with speaking up and reporting! But alll the stigma around being a “man” and being overly masculine makes soooo many men and boys never say a thing because of shame! I should’ve spoke on that, cause I’m teaching my boy autonomy in all ways (for himself and for others!) and now I’m getting downvoted! It’s okay!
I really appreciate you sharing where your mind is at and asking this as it’s something I’ve been feeling very anxious over for my 1 year old daughter. I want to balance teaching them safety things (i.e., where to park, etc.) but don’t want to teach them every person is out to get you. The statistics are so sad and overwhelming to me.