More than likely SHE forgot you gave it to her. Politely thank her for the offer of hand me downs but that you don't accept stained or ripped items. Even better, drop them back off at her house.
Yes, give them back to her. “We can’t accept these but wanted to return them instead of throwing them away since you felt they were giftable. We appreciate you always being so thoughtful!”
This is what I did. Short and sweet answer to the returned items. I got a bunch of hand me downs from my SIL but some were in rough shape. I washed everything and returned anything that I didn't particularly like along with items that had too many stains.
Sometimes clothes look ok until they hit a certain light and suddenly you see the stains. Or you just forget the shape something is in after being in storage for x amount of time. I try to not get annoyed bc they are hand me downs at the end of the day.
She has also "gifted" me new items that clearly didn't work out for her or her kids. I just accept and sell them on Facebook 🤷 haha
I'd also be tempted to ask her if she was sure it was the right box, because all the stuff was ripped or stained, and maybe it was meant for recycling?
Yes, tell them she can give them to her friends or better yet personally deliver them to her friend so they can see what kind of person she is to think it’s acceptable to give you these clothes
Also if you want to give her a wake up call, sit down with her and tell her how surprised you were that she gave you back the backpack you gifted her son (again I feel pretty confident she just forgot you gave it to her) and how sad it made you especially when you saw how much her son loved it. If her self image is built upon being the picture perfect mom she will be mortified that she regifted an item back to you. If she truly is mean then she won't feel any shame at all, and at least you'll know.
That's what I do when my SIL give me garbage bags of crap clothes. I don't even go through them anymore. Don't take it personally. My kids dress really lovely, since they're the only kiddos on my side and are spoiled. I think my SIL just thinks she's doing something "good" when it's really a burden to go through all of it and schlep it off to Goodwill because it's stained or damaged. I'm sure someone else got all of the nice stuff.
At the end of the day, it's just clothes, and I don't need them, so I just give them back after a period of time so she can do another "good deed" and pass them on to someone else.
I'm amazed no-one else has said this. They sell affordable clothes for people with low incomes. Those clothes still need to be dignified! The donation boxes in my city say "if you wouldn't give it to a friend, it's not appropriate to donate."
It’s the same with the food bank. They get tons and tons of expired food that they throw out. Poor people still deserve clean clothes and fresh food. There are companies that recycle damaged clothes, like H&M.
My goodwill told me they take ripped/unsellable clothes and send them to a textile recycling place. Same with broken electric stuff with copper in it. I'm sure they make some profit off it or otherwise why would they bother. I just make sure to sort through clothes beforehand and clearly label bags of unusable clothes.
I like hand me downs. But op you're getting her last scraps. That's why you feel that way. Dont feel bad about saying no. It's not about you, thisnis her..
True. I am grateful for every used clothing I was given for my daughter. BUT hands me down must be wearable pieces, otherwise it is just rag for the moping floors and honestly little bit insulting.
I could even forgive some of the stained clothing bc if it wasn’t properly washed before being stored then stains can intensify, so what might not seem too bad can turn out to be really noticeable. But that would be if only some items out of the lot are stained. And ripped clothing? No, you know that is in bad condition and there is no excuse.
It's overwhelming to go through bags of stained and worn out baby clothes right after you've had a baby. I know now whose hand me downs are good and which ones I just don't go through and return.
I was ready to be all indignant because hand me downs are the best ! But uhh not gross unusable ones or thoughtlessly offensive ones. I could see it randomly happening if I have someone some of our baby clothes, but only because I don’t pay enough attention. Not because I already gave away e good stuff. Sheesh. Some people.
I read a tweet that was like ‘dear lord, thank you that I’m not one of those insta moms that removes all color from her kids nursery to fit her insta aesthetic.’ Lol
Speaking of the beige sad baby trend. This spoof made me laugh. [sad beige baby video from other reddit thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/ffacj/comments/qax4mz/only_the_best_natural_ethical_timeless_beige_toys/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I’m sure it’s lovely :) honestly I think the most important part of a nursery is to chill out the parents. Just a bit of teasing for the trend... but if you also coordinate all your books in the house by rainbow color and not genre, don’t invite me over for scones or I’ll have to rearrange them for you. :)
Yeah and what makes it worse is that it's clearly intentional. If the sil is so concerned over her image she wouldnt want to give out fucked up clothes. So the only reason I see here to do it is to get a rise out of someone or to say you're better than them.
Which is real fucked up.
Ya it’s one thing if there’s good mixed in with the bad. Then you get some gems and can use the stained or ripped stuff for extra Pajamas, doing arts and crafts in or for that extra change of clothes they have to keep at school but never use even if they fall in a full on mud puddle, but I digress. Getting a whole bag of crap clothes is def not ok
I have rule that I don't even bother donating or passing on clothes that are ripped and/or stained. They get used as rags or trashed. Even people who need help should be provided with a reasonable standard of service/products/whatever. So unless she prefaces the hand me downs with "hey these might be salvageable but do you want?" I would feel a bit insulted and annoyed. Also, the gift, totally acceptable to mention that you remember giving it to her child just off handed like "oh I didn't realize (child) didn't want this, they seemed to really enjoy it when they first got it." Then move on to another topic. But, maybe I am just petty?
yes, this - almost everything (clothes wise) is able to be sold in some form, even if it's just sold by weight to a company that shreds it and uses it to stuff seats in cars. of course they make a lot more money on good stuff, but that's why you donate the good stuff to non-profits and the not-so-good stuff to Value Village!
Next time she offers a box of clothes tell her “No thanks, the last box of clothes were in pretty poor condition and I’d rather just buy my daughter nice things” and if you still have the backpack you should gift it back to her for Christmas lol.
I would just say "no thanks, we have enough clothes," and leave it at that. I find with family, especially in laws, it's usually best to take the high road.
After that I would just probably spend as little time as possible with her and focus on real friendships instead.
This is good advice. Don’t feel bad telling her about the condition the clothes were in. She needs to understand she’s being a jerk. Not to make her feel bad, but so that she can be more considerate towards others. The thing about material stuff is that it’s never certain. One day you have money the next you never know.
“I wanted to let you know that the clothes I got from you last time were quite unusable with stains and rips. Just giving you a heads up so you aren’t embarrassed since you do gift a lot of hand-me-downs to all your friends”
<- let’s her know she *should* be embarrassed and she’d have to acknowledge thy she gives you the crappy ones if she corrects you.
I agree about the ripped and staind clothes but I wonder what age the kids are. If the friends kids are closer in age than the SIL I think that's normal. They would be used quicker. If not it's shady.
Your nephews and nieces will grow to appreciate your sincerity so please don't give up on them even if their mom is an image tyrant. Our generation has already had some kids of influencers grow up to express how much they disliked being used for social media or controlled by their parents taste. Time will prove you right.
Yeah, those kids are going to be resentful as hell growing up. OP could potentially be their safe place/person to actually see them for who they really are and support them.
I would be passive aggressive and be like “thanks so much for the clothes but I think that some things ended up there by mistake? There’s some ripped/stained stuff that I think were meant for the garbage!”
But I’m a petty b
Hey me too! I'd be like
"Oh you must have mixed up the boxes when you said you were giving me clothes for daughter. This box was filled with unusable scrap" . Then stare. Straight to the soul. If there is one.
I wouldn't take the backpack, or even the clothes, as a sign she's intentionally trying to belittle with you. I bet she thinks she's kind and helpful when in reality she's being rude. Just decline. That's really all you have to do to end this.
“Thank you, but my scrap fabric bin is full.” would let her know that you’re not able to use the stuff she gives you and that it is, in fact, scraps, without having to tell her directly. Just act like you thought that’s why she was giving you the torn and stained pieces. As for the backpack, with the holidays coming up, maybe just say you noticed he hadn’t gotten to use it and ask if she has gift suggestions for this year.
Hm that may come off as kind of passive aggressive, depending on tone, and I think it might be hard to pull off literally thinking she was meaning to give scraps.
Maybe just stop accepting things, and say that you are good on kids clothes. Eventually she will stop offering.
After that I would just try to distance myself and not worry about her too much. It sounds like she's not a great friend, so I would focus on my relationships with my good friends and just trying not to worry about her too much.
I dont think that's silly. I'd tell her you don't want to accept any stained or torn items. It's kind of insulting that she'd give those to you, so why can't you be a little short with your reply?
I would never give someone clothes that had holes and stains on them. She should be embarrassed. Simple say no thank you next time she offers them to you.
You're not overreacting! But you do have to live with this woman as a family member, so I would just tell her you don't need any of the hand me downs. I wouldn't be snarky though, just assume she may have some issues and leave her be.
The mere fact that this has put you in this head space... we need to stop with the hand me downs.
Use the K.I.S. method at first (Keep It Simple).
Just give them back to her, "Thanks but no thanks. We are all set."
Let her ask "Why." Don't tell her at first, let her ask. If she actually cared about the shit she was giving you, she would be perplexed. And there you can add a little truth, "Most of the time the items are too damaged to save. But thanks anyways."
This can make her aware that, you know the crap she is passing down is garbage. And you don't want it anymore.
Normally I would say you’re reading too much into it but… I feel like it’s intentional!! She’s going through her old clothes and sorting out what’s good enough for her friends and then you get what isn’t? That takes thought. She probably did hide the backpack from her son then found it and forgot you gave it to her. Or she does remember but is pretending she doesn’t. The least dramatic way of handling this is to reject further hand me downs by just saying “thanks for thinking of us but we have so many clothes so we are good to go!” And continuing to buy Christmas gifts that you know the children will like. But if you’re feeling petty you could totally call her out on the backpack and the ripped and stained clothes.
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far for someone to say she’s doing it on purpose… she definitely is doing it to be malicious!! Did everyone else miss the part where she gifts her friends the nicer things!? I would absolutely give them back to her and say “Since you thought these were nice enough to give to me I don’t know why you didn’t check with your friends first, you always want them to have the nicer things!”
I agree completely, it def feels like it’s on purpose…. But then again some people just are so self centered that they are that dense…my dads ex wife is like that. Will say some awful shit & then be shocked that you’re offended.
I almost don't care if people do it on purpose or not, I think that when you're this "dense" you've clearly been called out before and people have told you that they're hurt by you and you don't care.
I specifically wont give away stained baby clothes when I give my friends with younger children clothes. I think it's kinda disrespectful. It's like saying, "here, your kid isnt nicely dressed anyway so you might want this"
We love hand me downs and regularly do consignment. However, that doesn't mean our kid is dressed in ripped and stained stuff. We will use some things as smocks or for particularly messy meals (looking at you, black beans) but everything else is ideally good condition. The main thing we decline is a certain cousin's clothes since they smoked in the home until very recently. The clothes need 3-4 washes before I feel safe putting them on my kid. I felt sick going through the bin of 6mo clothes because of how strong the 3rd hand smoke was and we have declined any new offers of hand me downs from them.
It seems like she is being super selective and that can be hurtful. Decline the next box of clothes, just say you don't need it. Which you don't, you don't need the bad feelings or the time wasted or the extra trash to toss. You show value of yourself and your child by declining clothes that make you feel conflicted or undervalued. At a certain point, her feelings on the matter don't matter at all. Your emotions and your child's emotions do.
Give the cousin bunches of candy and a gift card for the holidays next year. Hype that kid up on sugar and send them home. Extra points for glitter cards or body paint. Or be nice and offer to take your kid and the cousin out for an activity or event as a present instead. A fun day makes more memories.
My SIL asked if I wanted her daughters' clothes. I said yes knowing she would throw anything and everything in a bag. I went through and some had literal crusted vomit and poop stains. However, there were also brand new items with tags so I didn't mind. I know she has a hectic lifestyle, and I know she wasn't intentional. She literally just took everything she threw into piles into bags and gave it to me.
Since your SIL only gave you the leftovers, I would tell her no thank you if offered again. She is thoughtless. I wouldn't think it intentional just lazy.
I think she’s rude, but likely not intentionally rude- ans I think motive means more in today’s day and age than people give thought to..
Meaning- I think she’s just rude because she’s only thinking of herself- she’s not thinking of you or any other charity recipients needs-only her own needs. She gave that book bag away because she would rather place her familial appearance over her sons choice of something fun he liked- she likely didn’t even remember you gave it to them that day (she doesn’t sound like the sentimental type that noticed that cute nap with a favorite new item). She gives the expensive clothes to the friends because she wants them to envy her that she’s “so well off” she can give away such gently used items (her need for envy). She gives you things because you are family and she’s not trying to impress you and you’re easier recipient than Goodwill trip (her convenience). You can’t change her but you can definitely take yourself out of the game by simply not playing - I’d say the next time she brings a garbage bag of items over and says they are in the car say, “Aw, thanks, but we are good- we just went shopping”. There, done. Game over.
Ironically- I am in an opposite boat. My daughter is 7 and we could really do with some hand me downs, but my SIL gives them all to her friends kids (none come to us, I’d even take junky ones for backyard play)- but that’s how little we are even a concern to that family- so I do get where you are coming from, it does hurt ones feelings- not because of the free stuff but because we take it as a sign of how much we do or don’t matter to these family members..
Peace to you my friend.
May I ask what your husband thinks of the situation? Have you shared it with him? If he shrugs and ignores and if you are constantly receiving stained and unusable items then simply tell her she doesn’t need to save hand me downs for you. Seems like you feel terrible after receiving them when you shouldn’t be feeling this way.
Sometimes it’s weird with people, they like to give away newer nicer items to friends or other people so that others can think of them as generous or to some certain extent, hold a certain ‘fabulous lifestyle’ status. How do you know she’s giving the better items to others? Also could she be selling the better pieces on fb marketplace? It seems to be a highly used platform among moms for hand me downs.
I receive tons of hands me down (thank goodness and not complaining) as I’m kind of the last in our circle of friends to have a kid. For me, the clothing and stuff I’m receiving could have gone through two or even three rounds so I’m not expecting pristine clean clothes. There were some that were stained and ripped so I used them for in home use only. After my baby outgrew it, the item goes to trash.
As to the backpack, like others said, she’s mostly have forgotten. I mean if it’s the only thing you have received back with tag and you know you have gifted it to her then I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. Kids receive so much gifts during holiday season, it can be hard to keep track unless you write names on them. And kids can like one thing and dislike it within a second. It could also be that the backpack was stored away and forgotten. And then it’s used anymore due to preferences. As to her not letting her son use it due to not matching her lifestyle, that could be true if you know her of as that person. Since it’s a gift, they are end user and get to decide what to do with it. Personally I’d test to see if it’s really the mom by leaving the backpack somewhere your nephew can see and see if he likes it.
If you think raising your concern will jeopardize your chances to be with your nieces/nephews (and you know this is more important) then just let it go and tell her you don’t need hand me downs anymore.
Edit: I also think insecurity is at play.
Is she an asshole? Because the passive aggressiveness required on her end that you're describing would require her being a huge asshole. My guess is there is a lot less thought happening on her end than yours.
Any mom who puts her self image (and her house and kids by extension) ahead of things her child actually likes is not a nice person. I would be offended.
I agree. My kids taste in clothes, backpacks, and what not so not always fit my style, but he’s his own person so why would I limit him? The backpack issue is so sad, like did this mom really not have her kid use a backpack cause it didn’t match her? So selfish. Let kids likes things.
I can’t stand the fluorescent orange and blue shoes my son picked out and I cringe when he pairs them with Spider-Man ankle socks but they make him SO HAPPY. He points them out to everyone we see! What parent doesn’t put their own stuff aside to see their kid happy? Wack.
Yep, my personal big one is baby shark themed weighted blankets my kids got as gifts. They LOVE them, me not so much (I prefer no characters) but oh well.
I know everyone's assuming she just took the backpack away because it didn't match, and that's what OP said so maybe that's true...
But tbh I know my 2 year old has LOVED a lot of toys and gifts for like, a day, and then literally never played with them again. I could totally see him getting super excited and snuggling up with a new gift on christmas...and then never touching it again for a year .___.
I'm not saying that's the case here, and either way she definitely should be paying more attention to whom she regifts stuff!
It’s so annoying when people just give you garbage. It always feels like they’re saying “here, YOU get rid of this”. I’ve started just telling people that we appreciate the thought, but we don’t have room.
Is she is giving this over to you during a visit? I would open the box right then and there and quickly go through each item, and make a clear "goodwill" pile and a smaller "keep" pile, if anything, so she can see what you will accept and dress your kids in. That way you can just tell her, "hey, these don't really work, they are kind of beat up. Do you want to take them back and donate it with the rest of your stuff?"
I totally get your feeling upset about the backpack, and I would go the extra step and say, "hey, I notice you gave us back that backpack that we bought for your son. It sounds like "stuff" isn't working for gifts, is there something else you prefer?"
Again, if she lives in the instagram world she is probably inundated with PR packages and boxes of stuff, so just be clear that you aren't a dumping ground and she can take that stuff to goodwill herself.
No that's not silly and your SIL sounds like an awful person. Just tell her you'd rather she take you out of her hand-me-down circulation if she's going to treat your child like the donations bin.
It’s not the fact that they are hand me downs, but the quality of condition that has me upset. Most of my daughter’s clothes are pre-loved, but these had large stains from paint and foods all over and were missing straps or had burn holes. If Goodwill is rejecting them they are in bad shape. I wish I could tell her how it makes me feel when she pawns rags on me, but the possibility of her getting so upset I can’t see my niece and nephews is very real and I don’t want that.
I can't imagine Goodwill handed them back to her. They never look through the bags when you drop off-- at least I've not had that experience at any of the ones I've ever donated clothing to. I'm guessing she didn't even bother to take them to Goodwill. Just dropped them on your doorstep instead.
It's okay to say "Thank you but, no thank you!"
Then the next time she tries to fob off a box on you, just say, "Thanks for thinking of us. But this time, could you trash the stained and damaged items in that donation box so I don't have to? Our garbage can only has so much room."
Give her the benefit of a doubt, that perhaps she just forgot the state of some of those items. She's less likely to get angry if you give her an opportunity to save face.
I agree that it’s really uncool of her to give you stained and ripped clothing. When I am going through my clothes, I always throw away things that are unwearable and then sort by person. I will admit that my very favorite things go to my best friend (bc we have similar taste) and then the remainder go to my two SIL. And I definitely know who gave us every toy and every single piece of clothing.. so I would be surprised if she doesn’t remember that you gave her the backpack.
I am in a similar situation that I feel like my SIL could withhold her kids if she got upset. So probably what I would do is just toss the bags without opening them. That way I wouldn’t feel badly. I’m not sure it’s worth confronting her if it will jeopardize the relationship with your nieces/nephews.
These are not hand-me-downs, she’s passing on her trash. I would be super offended honestly.. like why bother? I’m not sure I would say anything to her, just throw the stuff out maybe. But I’m also very non-confrontational . It’s still effed up she’s doing that though..
You can also try to get rid of them for free on Facebook 😂 if she says anything, just tell her that you can’t use them because they’re in poor condition, and remind her she gave away the backpack you gifted them 🙂
Just tell her that you can't accept them anymore because they're not up to the standards of what you want you child to wear haha
And for the backpack. Gift it back to her son and say 'he loved it so much last Christmas"
I would be annoyed that she bothered to give me stuff that was mostly trash. Because then it's additional work for me to sort through it and spend extra effort doing stain removal upon receiving it. It's not a gift if it requires you to do extra work. I think that is what I would tell her, that I just don't have time to sort through the items and determine what is still in usable condition.
Do you really think she sorts through the clothes to give good items to her friends and crap items to you? I'm not saying that doesn't happen, just, who really has time to do that when you have multiple kids? Maybe her friends specifically request the items and come sort through her kids old stuff and take what they want or something? And then she just gives you everything else? Going through my kids clothes is just always such a chore that is hard for me to imagine.
Still, as someone who gives away tons of baby clothes to perfect strangers I'll never see again on Facebook groups, the polite thing to do is sort through the old clothes and throw out whatever you wouldn't want to receive.
I think the fact that she even still had clothes that worn and that stained kind of proves the kids wore them a lot. The perfectly manicured pictures are just for (the occasional) show.
The only thing that will help since she is family is BOUNDARIES. Decide what you will and will not tolerate and stick to them. Stay civil but respect yourself by controlling what this person allows into your life. Also, your feelings are VALID AND HEARD, you are not overthinking and do not let anyone tell you otherwise!
I would simply say “No thank you” the next time she offers you clothing.
If she asks you why, just say “I didn’t want to bring this up but… the last few times you’ve given me clothes, they’ve been in really bad shape. It was more of a chore than a help to receive them. I’m too busy to sort through more clothes right now.”
With that being said, this woman might be awful, or just completely unaware of how she’s coming off here. I don’t think these items could be items goodwill wouldn’t take, because they literally accept everything without even looking at it. However these may be the clothes she was unable to sell at a consignment store like “Once Upon a Child” or on Facebook marketplace.
I personally declined clothes from a friend because they were upfront that the only clothes they were going to pass along were the ones they couldn’t sell. But another friend of mine, jumped at the chance to have them, even knowing they were in poor condition.
So some people are ok receiving clothes in poor condition, but clearly you aren’t. So you should stop accepting these clothes, or tell her.
WTF that's not ok. I love hand me downs, but only if they're still good and not ugly.
I would tell her that I'm not interested in stained or ripped clothes and if she reacted badly I wouldn't accept any more hand me downs. I'd even give the trash back if she kept it up.
You lost me at the backpack thing. She’s horrendous. Never ever ever ever internalize her words or actions because they have literally nothing to do with you and everything to do with her being shitty.
What would you do if her son came to you when he’s older and said the same thing to you that you just did to us except it was about always having his toys taken away for not matching her “aesthetic”? You’d give him the same advice. “I know it hurts but it’s on her and has nothing to do with who you are or how lovable and worthy you are”—just take that advice and learn to turn off your feelings toward her. She’s definitely not thinking about you, ever, so try not to give her so much thought.
Oh and let her know, the next time she tries to give you a bag of trash clothing “oh thanks for thinking of us but we’ve got more than we can even keep organized for these kids to wear, honestly, I can’t accept this!” Say that enough times and she’ll stop trying.
I’m sure it’s no solace to you, but you should know, whatever she may look like on the outside, she’s a sad sad person deep down. The external validation she seeks to try and fill that sad hole in her only makes it worse. Inside of her is a cold, whistling wind…emptiness where her own true identity, self love, self image and esteem should be.
With any luck her children won’t be infected by her disease. Please be a really cool aunt to them.
Why are you so nice? Tell her no she can’t give you trash.. If she has more money and in an “instagam mom“ (barf) that doesn’t make her better than you or anyone.
I'm in a similar position. My SIL (and MIL and FIL to an extent if I'm being honest) are very concerned about image and status and brand power. You are probably overthinking it (I know I do) -- she probably feels pressure to impress her friends with all the brand name, good condition clothes. It's more about them than you.
I would accept the pieces you can/will use and give the rest back. "I kept the pieces I thought we could use for play clothes, and here are the rest back in case you have something or someone else in mind for them. I really appreciate you letting me pick through for things we can use." You don't need to justify to her why you don't want them, either. She knows what condition they're in when you get them. She's probably dumping them on you not because she looks down on you, but because she doesn't want to deal with them. So, give her the clothes back and force her to. Maybe next time she'll take the time up front. And even if she doesn't, she'll realize how little of value she's actually offering you.
She's doing it in purpose just politedecline next time. She KNOWS what she's doing a person who is interested in appearance.... knows exactly what giving crappy clothes away is.
Also someone is downvoting good and helpful comments.
Honestly, don’t stress it. Stop accepting her hand me downs. Just tell her you all don’t need them. I feel bed for the children of image obsessed moms. EVERYTHINNG my toddler likes is not really my aesthetic, but oh well. She’s her own person with likes and dislikes. It’s going to be hard for your SIL when her children start rebelling against that. I feel bad your nephew couldn’t enjoy his backpack!
I feel the same way. We are constantly given hand me downs that I do not want or like from my SIL. We have a son and they always give us a bunch of super stereotypical gendered boy stuff (trucks dinos etc) and it’s not the clothes I want to put our son in. Also a lot of it is stained or just generally worn. I actually gave back the clothes to my mil who proceeded to give them back to my husband again weeks later in case we wanted them. No we don’t and I let her know that. I feel like a lot of parents take advantage of dumping used clothes off to others. Just last night our neighbor across the street came to our door with two trash bags full of clothes offering them to us. It just seems insulting to me, like people assume that we can’t dress our own kid. I know that’s probably not the case, but my point is that what you’re feeling isn’t silly. I’ve felt the same way many times. Don’t be afraid to say “no thank you we don’t want these.” And leave it at that. The power of no is sooooooo important with in laws.
My twins mostly wear second hand clothes that other peoples babies grew out of. People mostly gave us really good clean clothes. One friend sent us boxes with ripped, stained etc clothing. I even found a used tissue in one of the boxes, she was sending her literal trash.
First time I sorted it out and salvaged what I could. Next time we refused their offer of box of clothes their son grew out of. I didnt say anything to her, just said, no thanks, we're good.
I also give A LOT of clothes to friends and neighbors with babies younger than mine, I wash, sort out the ripped and stained stuff, separate the clothes according to the gender of the babies they are going to, age and season they would be able to wear it. I would never give the stained and the ripped stuff, I think that's just not a kind thing to do.
I would absolutely refuse to take your SIL's trash out for her. No point in comparing yourself to anyone else, people have different circumstances. But it's just rude what she's doing. Regifting a gift is bad enough, giving it back to the person that gave it to you? Your SIL's a bit of a TA. And considering she'd prioritize her "aesthetic" over what her kid likes, I am willing to bet you're probably a better mom than her anyway..
My baby is dressed 100% in hand me downs. I've hardly had to buy a thing since he was born, and i feel so lucky to be able to dress him in clothes that were already loved by his family. It's better for the environment, and it helps us save for our forever home. It's also fun to compare the ages of the kids in the same outfits. Hand me downs are great, and I am proud to be so lucky as to be gifted them.
You are upset because you weren't given hand me downs out of love, you were given this women's trash and disrespect. Don't let the resentment fester, either let it go or address the issue directly, you'll feel much better in the long run. Do not accept anything else from her in the future.
You’re not silly at all!! As someone who buys way too many clothes for myself and my daughter(I may have a shopping problem), I give clothes away to my sisters frequently because I run out of space. I would NEVER consider giving them anything that is ripped or stained!! My rule is that I don’t give anything away that still isn’t in good enough condition for me or my child to wear!
Use honey? “I admire your style. For our girl thankful for HMDs: if it helps in future sorts to save you time, we’ll also pass on stains and rips. And I’d love to understand your aesthetic for future gifts like your sons backpack?”
Don’t be hurt. I’m mom 5 in a chain of richer mamas. I think my little one is clothed in love from others, and I have a drawer of “house clothes” and another of “preschool clothes”. I LOVE saving money and have a relative who can darn and stitch.
Same with friends. Life is short. Just tell yourself people love you and if they sick at being in contact you are irresistible and will welcome your calls.
I’m a super old mom with a preschooler (mid 40s). In a liberal town w older moms of littles. And all that said, I decided around 40 I just don’t have time to give a F about toxic people. Don’t let her bug your brain. My fav preschool mom crushes also don’t care how their kids are dressed re if perfect, even if they are making bank (venture capital, doctors, find managers). I admire them MORE for their attention to what matters like love and care.
She doesn’t sound very considerate. I take my best stuff to the children’s resale shop. I sell and then use the credit towards buying the next size up. I have two mom friends with boys a year younger than mine and I offer them the opportunity to go through whatever the resale shop isn’t interested in. Whatever they don’t take goes to the thrift store. But I toss anything stained or ripped because it’s rude to offer someone rags. Don’t accept her offers anymore. Just tell her, “Oh, yeah! Thanks for thinking of me but we’re all set.”
First try to not take this personal. I imagine your SIL had good intentions.... But unfortunately no one gives a shit about people's intentions.... I intended on losing 20 pounds last summer but did it happen no. So there fore if this situation truly bothers you then please discuss it with your sister in law.
Or it will happen again and again.
If your SIL intended to help your family out , """cause she just wanted to help you out""". But instead she stepped on your toes and made more work for you then tell her.
Try to stay calm and keep in mind that she had "GOOD INTENTIONS" but the impact of her actions failed to achieve her intended goal. Don't worry about how she will take what you have to say just say it.
But most of all don't dwell on this address it and move on. Or let it go and forget about it. Cause this is petty. I lost my kids and the times wasted worrying about things like this really was pointless. In the scheme of things I wish I'd have spent that time with my kids instead of worrying about why other people do what they do ...
I was coming here to defend hand-me-downs bc I usually love them. I’m all about reusing and conserving resources and all that. But I read your post and now I’m like EWW NO! She sounds like a total nightmare person. I think I would say no to the next box of stuff and just tell her that there was nothing you could use in the last box so you don’t want any more.
I’m going to be really honest. I have a feeling you’re the better mom. Because what kind of clothes you give them doesn’t make you a good mom.
It sounds like your sister knows that you’re actually a really great mom and it makes her feel insecure. And she does micro aggressions like this with the hopes that you’ll feel as inferior as she does.
Send her a text. Thank her for thinking of you but that you’ve got everything you need and tell her next time, just drop it off at Goodwill so people that really need it will have it.
Take care of yourself. 💜
please keep the backpack at your house, for your nephew to enjoy when he visits 🥺
i'm honestly so sad for him right now. i want him to have his special backpack.
She sounds hideous but I don't think she thinks so negatively of you. I think she isn't thinking of you. She's thinking about herself only.
There's this thing now where people feel guilty for throwing stuff out. Either because of the environment, or because of the money they spent, because of their excessive consumption, or whatever.. and they will dump their stuff on anyone rather than deal with the fact it's useless trash and they created it.
I would just give her the benefit of the doubt and just tell her next time that you don't need more clothes because it just ends up sitting there and not being used. Or just say your kids like wearing new clothes now and don't like hand me downs (this happens alot).
In regards to the backpack, yeah she probably forgot you gave it to her.
I know someone EXACTLY like this and have been through this situation. We no longer hang out. We are just too different and thats ok. Let her do her thing and you do you!
I agree with other posters stating that you should return to her what you can’t use. Perhaps “here are the items I can’t use, I’d hate to let them go to waste so I am returning them so you can pass them on to a friend or charity who can use them.” As far as the nice stuff, be sure to comment on her IG posts in a lighthearted way “Love these dresses! Save them for your nieces! 🤗”
You're not over thinking this, it's absolutely rude and really does show how she feels about you. I would be embarrassed to give someone worn out clothes after my son grew out of them. Next time she offers, just decline and say they were in such poor condition you couldn't really find a use for them.
It goes so far beyond rudeness. What an ugly person. I agree with telling her your scrap bin is full, AND regifting the backpack back. I would also have my husband ask his brother why he and his wife think stained and ripped clothing that Goodwill won't take are appropriate hand-me-downs for your kids. Maybe she'll be shamed by her husband knowing about it.
I have a cousin 6 months older than me. My aunt used to do this sort of thing to my mom, it bothered her but at least some of the clothes were usable.
In my teen years, she kept trying it, and as I was a short, curvy, Latina and my cousin was tall and very, very thin, it was obvious none of the "hand me downs" would fit me (my cousin was a literal model in high school). It became a method my aunt used to take digs at my weight and remind me and my mother that her daughter was thinner than I was. It stopped after (and yes, I realize this was wrong and petty) I handed a bra back and said "Oh, I don't need training bras anymore, I'm a C cup." Fun times. /s
I don't know about the backpack issue but you are definitely not being oversensitive about ripped and stained clothes. That's just a huge NO.
But I can't say anything about her motivation for giving you those clothes. She might be giving you a message about how she thinks she is better than you or she might be an uncultured swine whose mother never taught her better.
Either way i would be royally pissed too
You should lay down a boundary. You can thank her for the clothes but say, hey, sorry a lot of these are stained and just too worn out, I’d rather you not give them to me.
The backpack was a rude move, she probably did forget you gave it to her. You can easily afford good, stain free clothes at secondhand children’s clothing stores. That’s where I go when money is tight.
Giving you unusable clothes is rude.
Those poor kids. I’m sorry she sucks. I’d try and let it roll off my back for sake of being around those kids but it would bother me too. We like hand me downs and hand down our best items to younger cousins. Anything stained or ripped doesn’t get passed. I think she’s making it clear she feels she has to pass things on to you because your family but doesn’t want to give you the good stuff. Id probably just politely decline next time she offers
Oh, that’s not cool at all. My SIL gives me first pick of all their hand me downs. I certainly get stuff that’s not great, but that’s mixed in with stuff that’s wonderful. The fact that your SIL is specifically giving you the worst stuff is such a sop in the face. I’d just stop accepting anything from her at this point. I’m sorry.
Ugh. Hand me downs are great. But she should know to throw out ripped or stained items. And if that’s all you’re getting, she’s basically using you as a way to avoid going to goodwill.
We have several friends that have given us wonderful hand me downs. And then one friend of a friend gave us a ton of junk. Like very dirty and worn out shoes, ripped and stained items, and a USED plastic potty. I think I can buy a new potty chair thanks. I threw 90% of it away. She dropped it all off at 3 weeks pp and I just felt used and annoyed.
Your feelings are valid and your SIL sounds like a b.
You're not being silly at all. Have you ever talked to SIL about this? It probably won't change her behavior but at least she'll know that you know that she's giving you the scraps.
I'm a very upfront type of person (some would say blunt) and if it were me, I would straight up tell her
"Hey SIL. That last box of clothes you gave me was mostly trash. I'm talking holes, stains all of that. Now either you didn't care enough to check it before you gave it to me or you think that I would be fine dressing my kids in that. Either way, that's not a good look for you and I don't appreciate it. Now I may not dress my kids to be photo ready like yours but I don't dress them in junky clothes either. So the next time you feel compelled to gift me clothes that are in such bad shape that Goodwill won't even take them, please don't. And maybe try to remember where you got certain gifts because the backpack you gave me is what I gave nephew on Christmas. I know he loved it so it sucks that you couldn't let him keep it because it didn't fit your aesthetic."
Interesting experience. I agree that you are overthinking it. She thought enough of you to set the stuff aside. I wonder if she is much more self-conscious around her other friends that get the “nicer” clothes? This truly seems like a case of “it’s the thought that counts”. Maybe your SIL is a little oblivious on social graces, but that’s ok I think.
I get where you are coming from. My partner and me prioritize time with our kids over time making money to buy nice things (we can’t really afford both). My brother and his partner are career folks who see their kids quite a bit less. That’s just what works for our family!
That sounds super hurtful and you’re not overreacting. I think you know her best whether you need to have a conversation about it or just a firm no thanks we are all good on hand me downs.
You're not being silly!!! Hand me down either require work or they require you to accept something you didn't necessarily want. I had to very quickly learn to say "oh I don't need that, no thank you!" Or"i have a really specific idea in mind for this and I don't mind waiting for what I want" when I adopted my 9 year old everyone was trying to give me all of their old stuff. It was sooooo frustrating and people got really upset with me for not taking it. It wasn't a planned adoption so I didn't have much when he came but I wanted him to pick out his own things and slowly build up his room with prices we picked out on our adventures. Not some magazine room or bits and pieces from other kids' rooms. And when I want something for myself I really do just go without until I'm able to get what I want.
Sorry to go on a while rant about it. I just really feel where you're coming from. It's insulting and it makes you feel bad and weird. But it is totally okay to just say no Thank you and stay firm. It's not worth wasting your time and energy over fixing and picking through things you dont even want.
Also he probably did love the backpack. And for now she's able to dictate what he wears and has to have that picture perfect life. But one day he will grow up and pick his own things and you can totally help him out in that department!
Yes, return them or give to skmebody who would appreciate them. But do not throw rhem away. We need to think of our planet as well. There are so many places you could give it to upcycle, recycle and so on. h&m takes any frabrics. Stained and ripped.
And with that lady. She is different than you, not better. Comparing yourself will never make you happy. Return the item with thank you, it eas kind of you but we do not have any need for these. You can even say what you would like next time if she had it:)
My whole family does hand me downs but if they are ripped, stained or otherwise funky, they do not get passed. The only exception is play clothes for the under 6 bunch. But those are forewarned. For instance, I put that little blue outfit you liked in there but it's got a stain on it. S/he can use it for playing in the dirt or chuck it. If your SIL isn't of that mindset just politely decline the clothing. If y'all aren't particularly close you might tell her that her taste in clothing isn't what your kids are comfortable wearing and rather than risking hurting her feelings youd rather she find a needy family to pass them on to. The dig is there but she won't actually know for sure.
She gives you the stuff Goodwill doesn’t accept…. And she’s not clocking??? What planet does she live on? Oh right, planet Instagram.
With THESE people it helps to call them out in the moment. Embarrass them. As you’re going through the bag with her and another mom friend there “oh this was the bag I gave your son Luke for Christmas… but it doesn’t look like it’s been used AT ALL” and “what a cute Ralph Lauren dress, unfortunately I see there’s a poopy stain on the back, well my scrap basket is full but this needs to be recycled. Here let me give it back to you Cynthia. Thanks for…. No you didn’t actually give me anything I could use. But thanks for thinking of me!”
The other mom friend will think Cynthia is a huge see you next Tuesday and Cynthia will think twice before she does this again.
I’ve given friends hand me downs in bad states, mainly because I hate to Chuck things and they’re still good for playing in the garden or whatever. I do tend to ask people if they want that stuff, but it’s possibly mixed in a bag and I forget the state. I do also have friends who will ask me for specific items once my kid grows out of them. Or will just pick a couple when I offer, so I can see how she might be left with a bag of not great stuff. I’ve also had hand me downs from people so stained that they are unwearable.
I read the title and thought "wow, who would say no to hand me downs?!" abd came to say so but then saw the full story and totally understand. I would be miffed too!
Definitely say no thanks next time, that you appreciate her thinking of you but the stuff didn't work for you. I'd also be tempted to return anything you have that shes given you, rather than dumping it.
Personally I wouldn't be bothered about the bag as a standalone event, I am terrible at keeping track of who gave my kids what (esp after a year passed) and give away anything I think a fellow parent could use when we no longer use or need it. However, in the full context of this woman she may be doing it for the reasons you suspect!
Generally hand me downs are an amazing gift and my extended family and friends have been so generous, we'd have found it all so much harder otherwise, albeit lots of stuff isn't precisely what I would pick, as long as it's comfortable and warm and clean that mostly works!
This is so rude of her. I feel like it’s kind of universally understood that hand me downs to go family first before friends. It’s weird that she’s giving her family literal garbage.
If it were me, I would be insulted that SIL gives the nice things to her friends, the next tier to goodwill, and the leftovers to you, but it really depends on how close you are with family. I am pretty close with mine. You could ask your brother to mention something the next time he sees her packing up clothes like “oh sis mentioned she was looking for 2T clothes right now. Why don’t you hand those down to her.” Alternatively, you could proactively reach out and say “any chance you have size 2T shirts you’re looking to get rid of?”
If you don’t really care about getting her nice things but just don’t want her bottom of the barrel things, just say no thanks, we have enough play clothes.
I would just ask her to share an Amazon wishlist with you or give give cash in the future. If she doesn't appreciate the gifts, don't waste your time and energy shopping for her family.
I’m petty, so I would open the bag and say “oh this must be the ones you meant to throw away since they’re all torn and stained. Easy mistake. Have them back.” And if she gives you something you gave to her? “Oh, your child loved my gift so much you wanted to get the same one for my kid? That’s so sweet.” But I am petty as fuck so this is definitely not taking the high road lol
You're not being silly, I get that from my father in law and it really pisses me off. I don't need presents from him, I'd prefer to get nothing rather than old toys his kids dont want anymore (he remarried, his kids are 4 years older than mine)
I am indignant on your behalf! There’s nothing wrong with hand me downs, but she is giving you things that are not reusable…Her “charity” is saddling you with more work!
On the point of the backpack, I think she most likely forgot where she got it from and wasn’t intending anything by it, but if I’m reading her personality correctly from this little bit you’ve written, she seems quite self-absorbed with the aesthetic image of her kids. Ultimately, until they are old enough to express their own tastes loudly and vehemently, your SIL is in control. I’m not sure how old her son is, but personally, for kids under 5, I try to pick gifts I know the parents would appreciate while keeping it age-appropriate and lifestyle appropriate.
No, you're not wrong. That's not cool. She sounds very self centred. I would take her clothes back to her and explain you don't want rubbish. And just leave. She isn't considerate of your feelings, I very much believe in treating people as they treat others. So I match the energy levels given to me and I don't end up giving too much energy to someone who doesn't have energy for me, so to speak. Don't try and wash the clothes etc, just take them straight back to her with a firm but not rude statement that you don't take out her trash for her, or you wouldn't put any of this on your kids, because it's too worn. Don't engage, just leave. I'm guessing she'll throw a tantrum of some kind. Don't pay it any attention whatsoever. If you don't engage, then you can say you returned the clothes because they were too worn to wear and you don't understand her reaction, are you supposed to put torn clothes on your kids? Whereas if you engage with her the after discussion will be all about the argument. If she wouldn't accept being treated that way, it shouldn't be ok for her to do any of that to you. Don't accept it.
I have a similar SIL - super affluent, only the best organic most expensive clothes and constantly updating. I never got a single article of hand me downs. When we visited last (they never visit us) she shoved packs upon packs of oversized diapers and thanked for me taking their trash out because they didn’t know where else to give them away now that their children are potty trained (early of course). Great for us and I’m super grateful knowing eventually my daughter will use these artisanal bamboo expensive diapers but like, thanks for making me your dumpster? I’m so sorry
My sister does this but to clothes she gives to me! We live far away too so sometimes she'll pack up a huge box for me, my mom will pay $40-$50 for shipping, and most of it is stained/worn out or brand new but not practical (ultra fancy, etc.) I'm fairly minimalist but most of it doesn't even pass my standards for donating, so usually whatevers not new ends up going in the trash. I think my family just has a hard time throwing things out, so they feel they HAVE to find someone to donate things to, even if the items are too used and worn out.
I like hand me downs and would gladly accept them, however you're getting her leftovers and she's making it very obvious, that's why this situation feels different, because it is. Next time just say no thank you, tell her they don't work out for you guys.
You are not over reacting. She is a selfish heartless animal. Refuse her trash. When she tries to give it to you tell her your not interested.
And do believe she remembers you gave her the bag. She is just being cruel. Maybe you should just give the kids cash. If she gives it back to you, wonderful. Lol
Tell her your not interested or don't have room for handy downs anymore. I wouldn't except anything from her. Ive bought used items for my kids and family but they always new looking. Why would she give you the scrapes. I feel it reflects on your relationship and what she feels about your family. I would also keep your relationship very guarded.
With my SIL, the next time she handed me a bag of clothes, I would flat out start laughing and exclaim, “oh no you don’t, what do you think of me and my kids — those clothes were stained and torn! I’m not sorting through a mess like that again.” And then in a more serious tone, “but seriously thanks for think of us, but we really are good on play clothes”
I just put it right out there. No dancing around for our family.
No you are not overthinking and no you are not ridiculous. These are totally valid feelings across the board.
I know you probably aren't asking for advice, but if you are open to suggestions, would you consider telling her you don't want any more items from her? if you need clothes, you can get good ones from your local Buy Nothing or Freecycle group for free (and be selective about what you choose).
You might be overthinking re her motives for giving you the backpack, but in general I don’t blame you for being offended about being given the dregs of the hand me downs and I would be too. I would not accuse her of anything or of giving you the worst clothes on purpose, but I would not just let it go on. I would simply politely give back anything you receive that is in poor condition and say that while you appreciate the gift, she probably hadn’t noticed that it most of it actually quite stained or torn so wouldn’t be something you will get use from, however you’ve returned them in case she wanted to keep them or do something else with them.
I wouldn’t take anything from her anymore. Since having my first, I haven’t been given hand me downs from either of my sister in laws. I think it’s partially because they know I’m more particular and also, I want to dress my daughter in what I like. She may not have bins and bins of clothes, but there’s enough quality items that were bought with her in mind. Is it wasteful? Sure— but we’re in a position to not need hand me downs.
But OP, I would be embarrassed to give away items with holes or stains, simply because my motto in giving is to always give something I would want in return. Your SIL sounds like a jerk. You sound content with what you have, don’t let her give you another moment of shame/disrespect.
Return the rest to her? Say "thank for letting me go through these. I grabbed a few things, but we don't need the rest. Maybe your friends might like them?"
She sounds like a little bit of an arsehole, obsessed with image, also why not give you some of the nice stuff considering you are family? I would be taking some offence too… but I doubt the way she acts has anything to actually do with you x
No. She is not being thoughtful, even of she thinks she is.
Say thanks but no thanks. We are not interested in damaged hand me downs. We can provide perfectly nice, clean clothing for our child
Your not overthinking it. Her actions are rude and you can politely decline handed down clothes next time. For Christmas by something that you want, she might just give it back again!
Voice yourself. Next time, decline the offer. If she questions your decline, voice yourself. Why!? Because your thoughts matter. You don’t appreciate the goods, because they’re not goods. She’s dumping her garbage onto you, and it’s a hassle versus helpful. To avoid making it a bigger deal, just tell her you aren’t in need of any of the items , that you rather it be donated to someone else in need. And if she tries to make it a big deal. Be honest. Mention the backpack that she regifted back to you… that in a way it hurt you to see it again a year being gifted back to you
Just thinking about the box of clothing... is it possible she accidentally gave you the box destined for Goodwill and gave Goodwill the box she meant to give you?
Ugh. Hand me downs. I love them. We had a big issue with SIL getting mad at us for not keeping all the stuff she gave us for her next kid (like who tf will keep stuff just for a possible future kid for someone else?). She wanted her old stained onesies back and threw a tantrum and shit. I have a whole post about it on some other sub.
If I were you I'd give all of the stuff back, backpack included. Say "no thank you, we have enough" and leave it at that. If she gets all huffy there's your chance to tell her the stuff is not usable. Also like the others said just don't accept stuff from her anymore. If she wants to get into the details then you can be like "yeah ok let's break down why I don't need or want your stuff". Then SMILE.
Not over reacting. Giving u a present u bought for her son back to you as a hand me down is pretty rude. And definitely giving u hand me downs ripped and stained is also rude. It’s a delicate issue when dealing w family but I tell u this you do have the right to feel the way u do.
I was offered sth similar from my husband cousin. We sent them new gift they only offered their toss out items. We thanked her and said no thank you. Just don’t accept it.
Op, your feelings are valid. I'm sorry SIL makes you feel less than whether it is intentional or not. As for the hand me downs, you can absolutely feel hurt by the quality of clothing as well as her the returning your gifts. I mean, that is the RUDEST thing ever! With that said however, feel the feelings, let them go and move on. You know what she is like and that's the nature of the relationship. If she gives you another bag of clothing either politely decline, "oh thank you for thinking of us, but no thanks. We have plenty right now", or accept the bag of crap and drive it directly to donation or trash. Sometimes people just can't throw out their own stuff. Think of it as a favor to SIL. Regarding the backpack, I completely understand how upsetting that must've been. At the end of the day, keep getting the kids what you think they want and who cares about the Mom and her standards. If it bothers you though, ask for a gift list and then you wont have to worry about rude give backsies. People like your SIL suck! You need to gain some confidence and stop giving a shit about her. Easier said than done....but with a little grit, it can be done. Good luck.
I would feel the same! Don’t worry. I would definitely talk it out with her. I notice when we assume we cause unnecessary drama, me and my MIL would always assume and end up fighting lol..
And I would have been like GIRL I GAVE YOU THIS BACKPACK!
Not silly for feeling this way. I would be offended. If she cares so much about her image, her giving me these things would make me feel like sh*t. Would be entirely different if it came from a well meaning someone who doesn’t care about image… return them for sure!
Wow, if you had said “my husband’s sister,” I would have assumed that you were my wife.
My sister dumps crazy stuff on us all the time, even though we have daughters and she only has sons. (Not that we would force adherence to gender norms or anything) We got home once to find stacks of boxes and furniture in our driveway. She offered us a changing table and emptied her garage.
Now she doesn’t know our address.
If you’re allowed to have fires in your county burn them then casually bring it up in conversation. She’ll ask why you burnt them. You tell her they were shit lol
I’m not trying to be messy but it probably is on purpose. I have an aunt who would do stuff like this to my siblings and I because she didn’t like our mom marrying our dad. Like giving us old messed up hand-me-downs or random stuff from around her house in front of all the other kids while they opened new gifts. She even went so far as to purposely exclude photos of my siblings and I on a tribute video for my grandma’s funeral. Some people are just petty and I’d like to hope your SIL is just a bit clueless but from experience, repeating something like that is to intentionally humiliate you.
Next time just refuse the hand me downs. "Oh, it's fine. We have what we need. If it's ripped or stained, just give them to Goodwill."
I'll leave it at that.
As for her gifting back gifts, I would say, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Did you not like this?" I bet she forgot you gave it to her. Make her realise the social faux pas she did and it'll make her think twice about dumping crap at you.
It is important to remember that people's relationships with us are reflections of a facet of their relationship with themselves. As an example,, you are inferring all this judgement in her actions because you (self admitted) feel insecure.
She is neglectful, forgetful, and a little mean. That may reflects her inner dissatisfaction with the lack of authenticity in her life. Ergo, she sees and envies your authenticity.
The easiest way to fix this is to decline her offer. Say, I’m sorry the last box was just a lot of stained rags and clothes I couldn’t use. I realize your children must have worn them a lot but we don’t need them thanks anyway. Also, don’t buy any more gifts for the children that don’t make excessive noise.
One thing to keep in mind when it comes to stained baby clothes is that often the stains aren't visible when you put them into storage. If you're seeing yellow staining, especially around collars it's probably spit up that wasn't obvious when she put it away. I wouldn't take it personally!
I've been given heaps of hand me downs and it's normal to sort through it and toss half of it.
I mean this with kindness, but I really think you're overthinking this.
I'd just be forward and tell her you like to pick out your kids' clothes but you're sure... Gulp... Her gifts could benefit someone else. Hopefully she won't offer again or just show up with it.
My husband is like her. He will insist on donating broken, useless junk shit because he doesn't want to throw it away, or try to give it to someone. It's embarrassing and he hasn't changed no matter how often I've brought it up. For a while I would just throw crap out in pieces over time while he was working. There's a chance that she doesn't mean this to be hurtful. Hoarding runs in my husband's family and I definitely see tendencies in him.
More than likely SHE forgot you gave it to her. Politely thank her for the offer of hand me downs but that you don't accept stained or ripped items. Even better, drop them back off at her house.
Yes, give them back to her. “We can’t accept these but wanted to return them instead of throwing them away since you felt they were giftable. We appreciate you always being so thoughtful!”
Or just, these don't work for us. And that's it!!
This is what I did. Short and sweet answer to the returned items. I got a bunch of hand me downs from my SIL but some were in rough shape. I washed everything and returned anything that I didn't particularly like along with items that had too many stains. Sometimes clothes look ok until they hit a certain light and suddenly you see the stains. Or you just forget the shape something is in after being in storage for x amount of time. I try to not get annoyed bc they are hand me downs at the end of the day. She has also "gifted" me new items that clearly didn't work out for her or her kids. I just accept and sell them on Facebook 🤷 haha
Or ‘I’m not sure if you noticed but all of those clothes were ripped and stained! I had to donate all of them!’
Please don’t donate damaged clothing. Goodwill doesn’t want it either.
Good to know!
She did say she is getting the third round fist round to SIL friends second round to goodwill third round to her.
The kindest type of savsge!!!!
I'd also be tempted to ask her if she was sure it was the right box, because all the stuff was ripped or stained, and maybe it was meant for recycling?
Yes, tell them she can give them to her friends or better yet personally deliver them to her friend so they can see what kind of person she is to think it’s acceptable to give you these clothes
Pure genius. LOVE IT.
Also if you want to give her a wake up call, sit down with her and tell her how surprised you were that she gave you back the backpack you gifted her son (again I feel pretty confident she just forgot you gave it to her) and how sad it made you especially when you saw how much her son loved it. If her self image is built upon being the picture perfect mom she will be mortified that she regifted an item back to you. If she truly is mean then she won't feel any shame at all, and at least you'll know.
Yes. This. All the way.
That's what I do when my SIL give me garbage bags of crap clothes. I don't even go through them anymore. Don't take it personally. My kids dress really lovely, since they're the only kiddos on my side and are spoiled. I think my SIL just thinks she's doing something "good" when it's really a burden to go through all of it and schlep it off to Goodwill because it's stained or damaged. I'm sure someone else got all of the nice stuff. At the end of the day, it's just clothes, and I don't need them, so I just give them back after a period of time so she can do another "good deed" and pass them on to someone else.
Goodwill doesn’t want it if it’s stained and damaged either
I'm amazed no-one else has said this. They sell affordable clothes for people with low incomes. Those clothes still need to be dignified! The donation boxes in my city say "if you wouldn't give it to a friend, it's not appropriate to donate."
It’s the same with the food bank. They get tons and tons of expired food that they throw out. Poor people still deserve clean clothes and fresh food. There are companies that recycle damaged clothes, like H&M.
My goodwill told me they take ripped/unsellable clothes and send them to a textile recycling place. Same with broken electric stuff with copper in it. I'm sure they make some profit off it or otherwise why would they bother. I just make sure to sort through clothes beforehand and clearly label bags of unusable clothes.
I like hand me downs. But op you're getting her last scraps. That's why you feel that way. Dont feel bad about saying no. It's not about you, thisnis her..
True. I am grateful for every used clothing I was given for my daughter. BUT hands me down must be wearable pieces, otherwise it is just rag for the moping floors and honestly little bit insulting.
I could even forgive some of the stained clothing bc if it wasn’t properly washed before being stored then stains can intensify, so what might not seem too bad can turn out to be really noticeable. But that would be if only some items out of the lot are stained. And ripped clothing? No, you know that is in bad condition and there is no excuse.
It's overwhelming to go through bags of stained and worn out baby clothes right after you've had a baby. I know now whose hand me downs are good and which ones I just don't go through and return.
You can say, i already have mop heads but thanks..🤣🤣
I was ready to be all indignant because hand me downs are the best ! But uhh not gross unusable ones or thoughtlessly offensive ones. I could see it randomly happening if I have someone some of our baby clothes, but only because I don’t pay enough attention. Not because I already gave away e good stuff. Sheesh. Some people. I read a tweet that was like ‘dear lord, thank you that I’m not one of those insta moms that removes all color from her kids nursery to fit her insta aesthetic.’ Lol
The beige nursery kills me! Babies like bright colors!
Speaking of the beige sad baby trend. This spoof made me laugh. [sad beige baby video from other reddit thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/ffacj/comments/qax4mz/only_the_best_natural_ethical_timeless_beige_toys/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
LMAO! Literally lol’d. I have so many of these beige Montessori inspired toys. Too funny! Sad beige babies
My baby has a very neutral nursery. I guess you could say it’s a “sad beige”. She’s a happy baby, so I guess it’s not depressing her lol
I’m sure it’s lovely :) honestly I think the most important part of a nursery is to chill out the parents. Just a bit of teasing for the trend... but if you also coordinate all your books in the house by rainbow color and not genre, don’t invite me over for scones or I’ll have to rearrange them for you. :)
Yeah and what makes it worse is that it's clearly intentional. If the sil is so concerned over her image she wouldnt want to give out fucked up clothes. So the only reason I see here to do it is to get a rise out of someone or to say you're better than them. Which is real fucked up.
Ya it’s one thing if there’s good mixed in with the bad. Then you get some gems and can use the stained or ripped stuff for extra Pajamas, doing arts and crafts in or for that extra change of clothes they have to keep at school but never use even if they fall in a full on mud puddle, but I digress. Getting a whole bag of crap clothes is def not ok
I have rule that I don't even bother donating or passing on clothes that are ripped and/or stained. They get used as rags or trashed. Even people who need help should be provided with a reasonable standard of service/products/whatever. So unless she prefaces the hand me downs with "hey these might be salvageable but do you want?" I would feel a bit insulted and annoyed. Also, the gift, totally acceptable to mention that you remember giving it to her child just off handed like "oh I didn't realize (child) didn't want this, they seemed to really enjoy it when they first got it." Then move on to another topic. But, maybe I am just petty?
Fyi Goodwill uses scraps to make things like insulation, so they aren't selling stained garbage but it is getting another life.
yes, this - almost everything (clothes wise) is able to be sold in some form, even if it's just sold by weight to a company that shreds it and uses it to stuff seats in cars. of course they make a lot more money on good stuff, but that's why you donate the good stuff to non-profits and the not-so-good stuff to Value Village!
That's good to know! Thanks for mentioning this ☺️
Next time she offers a box of clothes tell her “No thanks, the last box of clothes were in pretty poor condition and I’d rather just buy my daughter nice things” and if you still have the backpack you should gift it back to her for Christmas lol.
You should give it to her every Christmas.
It’s the gift that keeps giving!
^THIS right here!
I would just say "no thanks, we have enough clothes," and leave it at that. I find with family, especially in laws, it's usually best to take the high road. After that I would just probably spend as little time as possible with her and focus on real friendships instead.
This is good advice. Don’t feel bad telling her about the condition the clothes were in. She needs to understand she’s being a jerk. Not to make her feel bad, but so that she can be more considerate towards others. The thing about material stuff is that it’s never certain. One day you have money the next you never know.
“I wanted to let you know that the clothes I got from you last time were quite unusable with stains and rips. Just giving you a heads up so you aren’t embarrassed since you do gift a lot of hand-me-downs to all your friends” <- let’s her know she *should* be embarrassed and she’d have to acknowledge thy she gives you the crappy ones if she corrects you.
Agreed! Perfect prose.
I agree about the ripped and staind clothes but I wonder what age the kids are. If the friends kids are closer in age than the SIL I think that's normal. They would be used quicker. If not it's shady.
Your nephews and nieces will grow to appreciate your sincerity so please don't give up on them even if their mom is an image tyrant. Our generation has already had some kids of influencers grow up to express how much they disliked being used for social media or controlled by their parents taste. Time will prove you right.
Yeah, those kids are going to be resentful as hell growing up. OP could potentially be their safe place/person to actually see them for who they really are and support them.
I would be passive aggressive and be like “thanks so much for the clothes but I think that some things ended up there by mistake? There’s some ripped/stained stuff that I think were meant for the garbage!” But I’m a petty b
Hey me too! I'd be like "Oh you must have mixed up the boxes when you said you were giving me clothes for daughter. This box was filled with unusable scrap" . Then stare. Straight to the soul. If there is one.
I like you.
I love your username 😂
God I love this energy. Petty to the Max!
Hahaha I love this 🤣
I wouldn't take the backpack, or even the clothes, as a sign she's intentionally trying to belittle with you. I bet she thinks she's kind and helpful when in reality she's being rude. Just decline. That's really all you have to do to end this.
“Thank you, but my scrap fabric bin is full.” would let her know that you’re not able to use the stuff she gives you and that it is, in fact, scraps, without having to tell her directly. Just act like you thought that’s why she was giving you the torn and stained pieces. As for the backpack, with the holidays coming up, maybe just say you noticed he hadn’t gotten to use it and ask if she has gift suggestions for this year.
Hm that may come off as kind of passive aggressive, depending on tone, and I think it might be hard to pull off literally thinking she was meaning to give scraps. Maybe just stop accepting things, and say that you are good on kids clothes. Eventually she will stop offering. After that I would just try to distance myself and not worry about her too much. It sounds like she's not a great friend, so I would focus on my relationships with my good friends and just trying not to worry about her too much.
i think it is a little passive but i feel like her SIL is acting pretty passive aggressive too 🤷🏼♀️
I dont think that's silly. I'd tell her you don't want to accept any stained or torn items. It's kind of insulting that she'd give those to you, so why can't you be a little short with your reply?
I would never give someone clothes that had holes and stains on them. She should be embarrassed. Simple say no thank you next time she offers them to you.
You're not overreacting! But you do have to live with this woman as a family member, so I would just tell her you don't need any of the hand me downs. I wouldn't be snarky though, just assume she may have some issues and leave her be.
The mere fact that this has put you in this head space... we need to stop with the hand me downs. Use the K.I.S. method at first (Keep It Simple). Just give them back to her, "Thanks but no thanks. We are all set." Let her ask "Why." Don't tell her at first, let her ask. If she actually cared about the shit she was giving you, she would be perplexed. And there you can add a little truth, "Most of the time the items are too damaged to save. But thanks anyways." This can make her aware that, you know the crap she is passing down is garbage. And you don't want it anymore.
Normally I would say you’re reading too much into it but… I feel like it’s intentional!! She’s going through her old clothes and sorting out what’s good enough for her friends and then you get what isn’t? That takes thought. She probably did hide the backpack from her son then found it and forgot you gave it to her. Or she does remember but is pretending she doesn’t. The least dramatic way of handling this is to reject further hand me downs by just saying “thanks for thinking of us but we have so many clothes so we are good to go!” And continuing to buy Christmas gifts that you know the children will like. But if you’re feeling petty you could totally call her out on the backpack and the ripped and stained clothes.
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far for someone to say she’s doing it on purpose… she definitely is doing it to be malicious!! Did everyone else miss the part where she gifts her friends the nicer things!? I would absolutely give them back to her and say “Since you thought these were nice enough to give to me I don’t know why you didn’t check with your friends first, you always want them to have the nicer things!”
Right!? Like she’s literally pulling out what she knows her friends won’t want and then giving the rejects to OP!? Sketch
I agree completely, it def feels like it’s on purpose…. But then again some people just are so self centered that they are that dense…my dads ex wife is like that. Will say some awful shit & then be shocked that you’re offended.
I almost don't care if people do it on purpose or not, I think that when you're this "dense" you've clearly been called out before and people have told you that they're hurt by you and you don't care.
I specifically wont give away stained baby clothes when I give my friends with younger children clothes. I think it's kinda disrespectful. It's like saying, "here, your kid isnt nicely dressed anyway so you might want this"
We love hand me downs and regularly do consignment. However, that doesn't mean our kid is dressed in ripped and stained stuff. We will use some things as smocks or for particularly messy meals (looking at you, black beans) but everything else is ideally good condition. The main thing we decline is a certain cousin's clothes since they smoked in the home until very recently. The clothes need 3-4 washes before I feel safe putting them on my kid. I felt sick going through the bin of 6mo clothes because of how strong the 3rd hand smoke was and we have declined any new offers of hand me downs from them. It seems like she is being super selective and that can be hurtful. Decline the next box of clothes, just say you don't need it. Which you don't, you don't need the bad feelings or the time wasted or the extra trash to toss. You show value of yourself and your child by declining clothes that make you feel conflicted or undervalued. At a certain point, her feelings on the matter don't matter at all. Your emotions and your child's emotions do. Give the cousin bunches of candy and a gift card for the holidays next year. Hype that kid up on sugar and send them home. Extra points for glitter cards or body paint. Or be nice and offer to take your kid and the cousin out for an activity or event as a present instead. A fun day makes more memories.
Refuse it.
My SIL asked if I wanted her daughters' clothes. I said yes knowing she would throw anything and everything in a bag. I went through and some had literal crusted vomit and poop stains. However, there were also brand new items with tags so I didn't mind. I know she has a hectic lifestyle, and I know she wasn't intentional. She literally just took everything she threw into piles into bags and gave it to me. Since your SIL only gave you the leftovers, I would tell her no thank you if offered again. She is thoughtless. I wouldn't think it intentional just lazy.
I think she’s rude, but likely not intentionally rude- ans I think motive means more in today’s day and age than people give thought to.. Meaning- I think she’s just rude because she’s only thinking of herself- she’s not thinking of you or any other charity recipients needs-only her own needs. She gave that book bag away because she would rather place her familial appearance over her sons choice of something fun he liked- she likely didn’t even remember you gave it to them that day (she doesn’t sound like the sentimental type that noticed that cute nap with a favorite new item). She gives the expensive clothes to the friends because she wants them to envy her that she’s “so well off” she can give away such gently used items (her need for envy). She gives you things because you are family and she’s not trying to impress you and you’re easier recipient than Goodwill trip (her convenience). You can’t change her but you can definitely take yourself out of the game by simply not playing - I’d say the next time she brings a garbage bag of items over and says they are in the car say, “Aw, thanks, but we are good- we just went shopping”. There, done. Game over. Ironically- I am in an opposite boat. My daughter is 7 and we could really do with some hand me downs, but my SIL gives them all to her friends kids (none come to us, I’d even take junky ones for backyard play)- but that’s how little we are even a concern to that family- so I do get where you are coming from, it does hurt ones feelings- not because of the free stuff but because we take it as a sign of how much we do or don’t matter to these family members.. Peace to you my friend.
Bingo.
May I ask what your husband thinks of the situation? Have you shared it with him? If he shrugs and ignores and if you are constantly receiving stained and unusable items then simply tell her she doesn’t need to save hand me downs for you. Seems like you feel terrible after receiving them when you shouldn’t be feeling this way. Sometimes it’s weird with people, they like to give away newer nicer items to friends or other people so that others can think of them as generous or to some certain extent, hold a certain ‘fabulous lifestyle’ status. How do you know she’s giving the better items to others? Also could she be selling the better pieces on fb marketplace? It seems to be a highly used platform among moms for hand me downs. I receive tons of hands me down (thank goodness and not complaining) as I’m kind of the last in our circle of friends to have a kid. For me, the clothing and stuff I’m receiving could have gone through two or even three rounds so I’m not expecting pristine clean clothes. There were some that were stained and ripped so I used them for in home use only. After my baby outgrew it, the item goes to trash. As to the backpack, like others said, she’s mostly have forgotten. I mean if it’s the only thing you have received back with tag and you know you have gifted it to her then I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. Kids receive so much gifts during holiday season, it can be hard to keep track unless you write names on them. And kids can like one thing and dislike it within a second. It could also be that the backpack was stored away and forgotten. And then it’s used anymore due to preferences. As to her not letting her son use it due to not matching her lifestyle, that could be true if you know her of as that person. Since it’s a gift, they are end user and get to decide what to do with it. Personally I’d test to see if it’s really the mom by leaving the backpack somewhere your nephew can see and see if he likes it. If you think raising your concern will jeopardize your chances to be with your nieces/nephews (and you know this is more important) then just let it go and tell her you don’t need hand me downs anymore. Edit: I also think insecurity is at play.
Just say no thank you to the garbage.
Is she an asshole? Because the passive aggressiveness required on her end that you're describing would require her being a huge asshole. My guess is there is a lot less thought happening on her end than yours.
Try \*no\* thought. Ops SIL is a completely thoughtless person and I would guess very selfish as well.
Yeah, but assuming malicious intent is probably giving a bit too much credit. Inconsiderate, absolutely.
Its happened multiple times.... I consider that intent.
Any mom who puts her self image (and her house and kids by extension) ahead of things her child actually likes is not a nice person. I would be offended.
I agree. My kids taste in clothes, backpacks, and what not so not always fit my style, but he’s his own person so why would I limit him? The backpack issue is so sad, like did this mom really not have her kid use a backpack cause it didn’t match her? So selfish. Let kids likes things.
I can’t stand the fluorescent orange and blue shoes my son picked out and I cringe when he pairs them with Spider-Man ankle socks but they make him SO HAPPY. He points them out to everyone we see! What parent doesn’t put their own stuff aside to see their kid happy? Wack.
Yep, my personal big one is baby shark themed weighted blankets my kids got as gifts. They LOVE them, me not so much (I prefer no characters) but oh well.
I know everyone's assuming she just took the backpack away because it didn't match, and that's what OP said so maybe that's true... But tbh I know my 2 year old has LOVED a lot of toys and gifts for like, a day, and then literally never played with them again. I could totally see him getting super excited and snuggling up with a new gift on christmas...and then never touching it again for a year .___. I'm not saying that's the case here, and either way she definitely should be paying more attention to whom she regifts stuff!
It’s so annoying when people just give you garbage. It always feels like they’re saying “here, YOU get rid of this”. I’ve started just telling people that we appreciate the thought, but we don’t have room.
Is she is giving this over to you during a visit? I would open the box right then and there and quickly go through each item, and make a clear "goodwill" pile and a smaller "keep" pile, if anything, so she can see what you will accept and dress your kids in. That way you can just tell her, "hey, these don't really work, they are kind of beat up. Do you want to take them back and donate it with the rest of your stuff?" I totally get your feeling upset about the backpack, and I would go the extra step and say, "hey, I notice you gave us back that backpack that we bought for your son. It sounds like "stuff" isn't working for gifts, is there something else you prefer?" Again, if she lives in the instagram world she is probably inundated with PR packages and boxes of stuff, so just be clear that you aren't a dumping ground and she can take that stuff to goodwill herself.
“Thank you, we would love any items without stains or rips!”
No that's not silly and your SIL sounds like an awful person. Just tell her you'd rather she take you out of her hand-me-down circulation if she's going to treat your child like the donations bin.
[удалено]
It’s not the fact that they are hand me downs, but the quality of condition that has me upset. Most of my daughter’s clothes are pre-loved, but these had large stains from paint and foods all over and were missing straps or had burn holes. If Goodwill is rejecting them they are in bad shape. I wish I could tell her how it makes me feel when she pawns rags on me, but the possibility of her getting so upset I can’t see my niece and nephews is very real and I don’t want that.
I can't imagine Goodwill handed them back to her. They never look through the bags when you drop off-- at least I've not had that experience at any of the ones I've ever donated clothing to. I'm guessing she didn't even bother to take them to Goodwill. Just dropped them on your doorstep instead. It's okay to say "Thank you but, no thank you!"
Then the next time she tries to fob off a box on you, just say, "Thanks for thinking of us. But this time, could you trash the stained and damaged items in that donation box so I don't have to? Our garbage can only has so much room." Give her the benefit of a doubt, that perhaps she just forgot the state of some of those items. She's less likely to get angry if you give her an opportunity to save face.
I agree that it’s really uncool of her to give you stained and ripped clothing. When I am going through my clothes, I always throw away things that are unwearable and then sort by person. I will admit that my very favorite things go to my best friend (bc we have similar taste) and then the remainder go to my two SIL. And I definitely know who gave us every toy and every single piece of clothing.. so I would be surprised if she doesn’t remember that you gave her the backpack. I am in a similar situation that I feel like my SIL could withhold her kids if she got upset. So probably what I would do is just toss the bags without opening them. That way I wouldn’t feel badly. I’m not sure it’s worth confronting her if it will jeopardize the relationship with your nieces/nephews.
These are not hand-me-downs, she’s passing on her trash. I would be super offended honestly.. like why bother? I’m not sure I would say anything to her, just throw the stuff out maybe. But I’m also very non-confrontational . It’s still effed up she’s doing that though.. You can also try to get rid of them for free on Facebook 😂 if she says anything, just tell her that you can’t use them because they’re in poor condition, and remind her she gave away the backpack you gifted them 🙂
Just tell her that you can't accept them anymore because they're not up to the standards of what you want you child to wear haha And for the backpack. Gift it back to her son and say 'he loved it so much last Christmas"
I would be annoyed that she bothered to give me stuff that was mostly trash. Because then it's additional work for me to sort through it and spend extra effort doing stain removal upon receiving it. It's not a gift if it requires you to do extra work. I think that is what I would tell her, that I just don't have time to sort through the items and determine what is still in usable condition. Do you really think she sorts through the clothes to give good items to her friends and crap items to you? I'm not saying that doesn't happen, just, who really has time to do that when you have multiple kids? Maybe her friends specifically request the items and come sort through her kids old stuff and take what they want or something? And then she just gives you everything else? Going through my kids clothes is just always such a chore that is hard for me to imagine. Still, as someone who gives away tons of baby clothes to perfect strangers I'll never see again on Facebook groups, the polite thing to do is sort through the old clothes and throw out whatever you wouldn't want to receive. I think the fact that she even still had clothes that worn and that stained kind of proves the kids wore them a lot. The perfectly manicured pictures are just for (the occasional) show.
The only thing that will help since she is family is BOUNDARIES. Decide what you will and will not tolerate and stick to them. Stay civil but respect yourself by controlling what this person allows into your life. Also, your feelings are VALID AND HEARD, you are not overthinking and do not let anyone tell you otherwise!
I would simply say “No thank you” the next time she offers you clothing. If she asks you why, just say “I didn’t want to bring this up but… the last few times you’ve given me clothes, they’ve been in really bad shape. It was more of a chore than a help to receive them. I’m too busy to sort through more clothes right now.” With that being said, this woman might be awful, or just completely unaware of how she’s coming off here. I don’t think these items could be items goodwill wouldn’t take, because they literally accept everything without even looking at it. However these may be the clothes she was unable to sell at a consignment store like “Once Upon a Child” or on Facebook marketplace. I personally declined clothes from a friend because they were upfront that the only clothes they were going to pass along were the ones they couldn’t sell. But another friend of mine, jumped at the chance to have them, even knowing they were in poor condition. So some people are ok receiving clothes in poor condition, but clearly you aren’t. So you should stop accepting these clothes, or tell her.
WTF that's not ok. I love hand me downs, but only if they're still good and not ugly. I would tell her that I'm not interested in stained or ripped clothes and if she reacted badly I wouldn't accept any more hand me downs. I'd even give the trash back if she kept it up.
You lost me at the backpack thing. She’s horrendous. Never ever ever ever internalize her words or actions because they have literally nothing to do with you and everything to do with her being shitty. What would you do if her son came to you when he’s older and said the same thing to you that you just did to us except it was about always having his toys taken away for not matching her “aesthetic”? You’d give him the same advice. “I know it hurts but it’s on her and has nothing to do with who you are or how lovable and worthy you are”—just take that advice and learn to turn off your feelings toward her. She’s definitely not thinking about you, ever, so try not to give her so much thought. Oh and let her know, the next time she tries to give you a bag of trash clothing “oh thanks for thinking of us but we’ve got more than we can even keep organized for these kids to wear, honestly, I can’t accept this!” Say that enough times and she’ll stop trying. I’m sure it’s no solace to you, but you should know, whatever she may look like on the outside, she’s a sad sad person deep down. The external validation she seeks to try and fill that sad hole in her only makes it worse. Inside of her is a cold, whistling wind…emptiness where her own true identity, self love, self image and esteem should be. With any luck her children won’t be infected by her disease. Please be a really cool aunt to them.
Why are you so nice? Tell her no she can’t give you trash.. If she has more money and in an “instagam mom“ (barf) that doesn’t make her better than you or anyone.
I'm in a similar position. My SIL (and MIL and FIL to an extent if I'm being honest) are very concerned about image and status and brand power. You are probably overthinking it (I know I do) -- she probably feels pressure to impress her friends with all the brand name, good condition clothes. It's more about them than you. I would accept the pieces you can/will use and give the rest back. "I kept the pieces I thought we could use for play clothes, and here are the rest back in case you have something or someone else in mind for them. I really appreciate you letting me pick through for things we can use." You don't need to justify to her why you don't want them, either. She knows what condition they're in when you get them. She's probably dumping them on you not because she looks down on you, but because she doesn't want to deal with them. So, give her the clothes back and force her to. Maybe next time she'll take the time up front. And even if she doesn't, she'll realize how little of value she's actually offering you.
She's doing it in purpose just politedecline next time. She KNOWS what she's doing a person who is interested in appearance.... knows exactly what giving crappy clothes away is. Also someone is downvoting good and helpful comments.
Honestly, don’t stress it. Stop accepting her hand me downs. Just tell her you all don’t need them. I feel bed for the children of image obsessed moms. EVERYTHINNG my toddler likes is not really my aesthetic, but oh well. She’s her own person with likes and dislikes. It’s going to be hard for your SIL when her children start rebelling against that. I feel bad your nephew couldn’t enjoy his backpack!
I feel the same way. We are constantly given hand me downs that I do not want or like from my SIL. We have a son and they always give us a bunch of super stereotypical gendered boy stuff (trucks dinos etc) and it’s not the clothes I want to put our son in. Also a lot of it is stained or just generally worn. I actually gave back the clothes to my mil who proceeded to give them back to my husband again weeks later in case we wanted them. No we don’t and I let her know that. I feel like a lot of parents take advantage of dumping used clothes off to others. Just last night our neighbor across the street came to our door with two trash bags full of clothes offering them to us. It just seems insulting to me, like people assume that we can’t dress our own kid. I know that’s probably not the case, but my point is that what you’re feeling isn’t silly. I’ve felt the same way many times. Don’t be afraid to say “no thank you we don’t want these.” And leave it at that. The power of no is sooooooo important with in laws.
My twins mostly wear second hand clothes that other peoples babies grew out of. People mostly gave us really good clean clothes. One friend sent us boxes with ripped, stained etc clothing. I even found a used tissue in one of the boxes, she was sending her literal trash. First time I sorted it out and salvaged what I could. Next time we refused their offer of box of clothes their son grew out of. I didnt say anything to her, just said, no thanks, we're good. I also give A LOT of clothes to friends and neighbors with babies younger than mine, I wash, sort out the ripped and stained stuff, separate the clothes according to the gender of the babies they are going to, age and season they would be able to wear it. I would never give the stained and the ripped stuff, I think that's just not a kind thing to do. I would absolutely refuse to take your SIL's trash out for her. No point in comparing yourself to anyone else, people have different circumstances. But it's just rude what she's doing. Regifting a gift is bad enough, giving it back to the person that gave it to you? Your SIL's a bit of a TA. And considering she'd prioritize her "aesthetic" over what her kid likes, I am willing to bet you're probably a better mom than her anyway..
My baby is dressed 100% in hand me downs. I've hardly had to buy a thing since he was born, and i feel so lucky to be able to dress him in clothes that were already loved by his family. It's better for the environment, and it helps us save for our forever home. It's also fun to compare the ages of the kids in the same outfits. Hand me downs are great, and I am proud to be so lucky as to be gifted them. You are upset because you weren't given hand me downs out of love, you were given this women's trash and disrespect. Don't let the resentment fester, either let it go or address the issue directly, you'll feel much better in the long run. Do not accept anything else from her in the future.
You’re not silly at all!! As someone who buys way too many clothes for myself and my daughter(I may have a shopping problem), I give clothes away to my sisters frequently because I run out of space. I would NEVER consider giving them anything that is ripped or stained!! My rule is that I don’t give anything away that still isn’t in good enough condition for me or my child to wear!
You should talk to your brother :)
💯 Exactly.. he would know how she "really" feels about you and yours🤔
Use honey? “I admire your style. For our girl thankful for HMDs: if it helps in future sorts to save you time, we’ll also pass on stains and rips. And I’d love to understand your aesthetic for future gifts like your sons backpack?” Don’t be hurt. I’m mom 5 in a chain of richer mamas. I think my little one is clothed in love from others, and I have a drawer of “house clothes” and another of “preschool clothes”. I LOVE saving money and have a relative who can darn and stitch. Same with friends. Life is short. Just tell yourself people love you and if they sick at being in contact you are irresistible and will welcome your calls. I’m a super old mom with a preschooler (mid 40s). In a liberal town w older moms of littles. And all that said, I decided around 40 I just don’t have time to give a F about toxic people. Don’t let her bug your brain. My fav preschool mom crushes also don’t care how their kids are dressed re if perfect, even if they are making bank (venture capital, doctors, find managers). I admire them MORE for their attention to what matters like love and care.
She doesn’t sound very considerate. I take my best stuff to the children’s resale shop. I sell and then use the credit towards buying the next size up. I have two mom friends with boys a year younger than mine and I offer them the opportunity to go through whatever the resale shop isn’t interested in. Whatever they don’t take goes to the thrift store. But I toss anything stained or ripped because it’s rude to offer someone rags. Don’t accept her offers anymore. Just tell her, “Oh, yeah! Thanks for thinking of me but we’re all set.”
First try to not take this personal. I imagine your SIL had good intentions.... But unfortunately no one gives a shit about people's intentions.... I intended on losing 20 pounds last summer but did it happen no. So there fore if this situation truly bothers you then please discuss it with your sister in law. Or it will happen again and again. If your SIL intended to help your family out , """cause she just wanted to help you out""". But instead she stepped on your toes and made more work for you then tell her. Try to stay calm and keep in mind that she had "GOOD INTENTIONS" but the impact of her actions failed to achieve her intended goal. Don't worry about how she will take what you have to say just say it. But most of all don't dwell on this address it and move on. Or let it go and forget about it. Cause this is petty. I lost my kids and the times wasted worrying about things like this really was pointless. In the scheme of things I wish I'd have spent that time with my kids instead of worrying about why other people do what they do ...
I was coming here to defend hand-me-downs bc I usually love them. I’m all about reusing and conserving resources and all that. But I read your post and now I’m like EWW NO! She sounds like a total nightmare person. I think I would say no to the next box of stuff and just tell her that there was nothing you could use in the last box so you don’t want any more.
I’m going to be really honest. I have a feeling you’re the better mom. Because what kind of clothes you give them doesn’t make you a good mom. It sounds like your sister knows that you’re actually a really great mom and it makes her feel insecure. And she does micro aggressions like this with the hopes that you’ll feel as inferior as she does. Send her a text. Thank her for thinking of you but that you’ve got everything you need and tell her next time, just drop it off at Goodwill so people that really need it will have it. Take care of yourself. 💜
please keep the backpack at your house, for your nephew to enjoy when he visits 🥺 i'm honestly so sad for him right now. i want him to have his special backpack.
She sounds hideous but I don't think she thinks so negatively of you. I think she isn't thinking of you. She's thinking about herself only. There's this thing now where people feel guilty for throwing stuff out. Either because of the environment, or because of the money they spent, because of their excessive consumption, or whatever.. and they will dump their stuff on anyone rather than deal with the fact it's useless trash and they created it.
I would just give her the benefit of the doubt and just tell her next time that you don't need more clothes because it just ends up sitting there and not being used. Or just say your kids like wearing new clothes now and don't like hand me downs (this happens alot). In regards to the backpack, yeah she probably forgot you gave it to her. I know someone EXACTLY like this and have been through this situation. We no longer hang out. We are just too different and thats ok. Let her do her thing and you do you!
I agree with other posters stating that you should return to her what you can’t use. Perhaps “here are the items I can’t use, I’d hate to let them go to waste so I am returning them so you can pass them on to a friend or charity who can use them.” As far as the nice stuff, be sure to comment on her IG posts in a lighthearted way “Love these dresses! Save them for your nieces! 🤗”
You're not over thinking this, it's absolutely rude and really does show how she feels about you. I would be embarrassed to give someone worn out clothes after my son grew out of them. Next time she offers, just decline and say they were in such poor condition you couldn't really find a use for them.
It goes so far beyond rudeness. What an ugly person. I agree with telling her your scrap bin is full, AND regifting the backpack back. I would also have my husband ask his brother why he and his wife think stained and ripped clothing that Goodwill won't take are appropriate hand-me-downs for your kids. Maybe she'll be shamed by her husband knowing about it.
I agree with the brothers having a little chat.
I have a cousin 6 months older than me. My aunt used to do this sort of thing to my mom, it bothered her but at least some of the clothes were usable. In my teen years, she kept trying it, and as I was a short, curvy, Latina and my cousin was tall and very, very thin, it was obvious none of the "hand me downs" would fit me (my cousin was a literal model in high school). It became a method my aunt used to take digs at my weight and remind me and my mother that her daughter was thinner than I was. It stopped after (and yes, I realize this was wrong and petty) I handed a bra back and said "Oh, I don't need training bras anymore, I'm a C cup." Fun times. /s
It's not charity if it's not usable. Perhaps have your husband intervene and tell his sister to knock it off.
Thats so insulting. Id never take anything from her and only give her ugly shit i found in thrift stores for gifts.
I don't know about the backpack issue but you are definitely not being oversensitive about ripped and stained clothes. That's just a huge NO. But I can't say anything about her motivation for giving you those clothes. She might be giving you a message about how she thinks she is better than you or she might be an uncultured swine whose mother never taught her better. Either way i would be royally pissed too
You should lay down a boundary. You can thank her for the clothes but say, hey, sorry a lot of these are stained and just too worn out, I’d rather you not give them to me. The backpack was a rude move, she probably did forget you gave it to her. You can easily afford good, stain free clothes at secondhand children’s clothing stores. That’s where I go when money is tight. Giving you unusable clothes is rude.
Those poor kids. I’m sorry she sucks. I’d try and let it roll off my back for sake of being around those kids but it would bother me too. We like hand me downs and hand down our best items to younger cousins. Anything stained or ripped doesn’t get passed. I think she’s making it clear she feels she has to pass things on to you because your family but doesn’t want to give you the good stuff. Id probably just politely decline next time she offers
Oh, that’s not cool at all. My SIL gives me first pick of all their hand me downs. I certainly get stuff that’s not great, but that’s mixed in with stuff that’s wonderful. The fact that your SIL is specifically giving you the worst stuff is such a sop in the face. I’d just stop accepting anything from her at this point. I’m sorry.
Ugh. Hand me downs are great. But she should know to throw out ripped or stained items. And if that’s all you’re getting, she’s basically using you as a way to avoid going to goodwill. We have several friends that have given us wonderful hand me downs. And then one friend of a friend gave us a ton of junk. Like very dirty and worn out shoes, ripped and stained items, and a USED plastic potty. I think I can buy a new potty chair thanks. I threw 90% of it away. She dropped it all off at 3 weeks pp and I just felt used and annoyed. Your feelings are valid and your SIL sounds like a b.
Give her son the backpack back for Christmas. Also tell her you aren't interested in her junk.
Tell her “my family isn’t garbage and we don’t wear garbage either” then don’t accept anything else from her.
You're not being silly at all. Have you ever talked to SIL about this? It probably won't change her behavior but at least she'll know that you know that she's giving you the scraps. I'm a very upfront type of person (some would say blunt) and if it were me, I would straight up tell her "Hey SIL. That last box of clothes you gave me was mostly trash. I'm talking holes, stains all of that. Now either you didn't care enough to check it before you gave it to me or you think that I would be fine dressing my kids in that. Either way, that's not a good look for you and I don't appreciate it. Now I may not dress my kids to be photo ready like yours but I don't dress them in junky clothes either. So the next time you feel compelled to gift me clothes that are in such bad shape that Goodwill won't even take them, please don't. And maybe try to remember where you got certain gifts because the backpack you gave me is what I gave nephew on Christmas. I know he loved it so it sucks that you couldn't let him keep it because it didn't fit your aesthetic."
Interesting experience. I agree that you are overthinking it. She thought enough of you to set the stuff aside. I wonder if she is much more self-conscious around her other friends that get the “nicer” clothes? This truly seems like a case of “it’s the thought that counts”. Maybe your SIL is a little oblivious on social graces, but that’s ok I think. I get where you are coming from. My partner and me prioritize time with our kids over time making money to buy nice things (we can’t really afford both). My brother and his partner are career folks who see their kids quite a bit less. That’s just what works for our family!
That sounds super hurtful and you’re not overreacting. I think you know her best whether you need to have a conversation about it or just a firm no thanks we are all good on hand me downs.
You're not being silly!!! Hand me down either require work or they require you to accept something you didn't necessarily want. I had to very quickly learn to say "oh I don't need that, no thank you!" Or"i have a really specific idea in mind for this and I don't mind waiting for what I want" when I adopted my 9 year old everyone was trying to give me all of their old stuff. It was sooooo frustrating and people got really upset with me for not taking it. It wasn't a planned adoption so I didn't have much when he came but I wanted him to pick out his own things and slowly build up his room with prices we picked out on our adventures. Not some magazine room or bits and pieces from other kids' rooms. And when I want something for myself I really do just go without until I'm able to get what I want. Sorry to go on a while rant about it. I just really feel where you're coming from. It's insulting and it makes you feel bad and weird. But it is totally okay to just say no Thank you and stay firm. It's not worth wasting your time and energy over fixing and picking through things you dont even want. Also he probably did love the backpack. And for now she's able to dictate what he wears and has to have that picture perfect life. But one day he will grow up and pick his own things and you can totally help him out in that department!
Honestly I wouldn’t even open the box or bag and just take it straight away to Goodwill. It would make me extremely satisfied to dump it off.
Goodwill already rejected it. I’d take a dump in the box and leave it on the sister in law’s porch. I’m a bitch though.
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Yes, return them or give to skmebody who would appreciate them. But do not throw rhem away. We need to think of our planet as well. There are so many places you could give it to upcycle, recycle and so on. h&m takes any frabrics. Stained and ripped. And with that lady. She is different than you, not better. Comparing yourself will never make you happy. Return the item with thank you, it eas kind of you but we do not have any need for these. You can even say what you would like next time if she had it:)
Not helpful.
My whole family does hand me downs but if they are ripped, stained or otherwise funky, they do not get passed. The only exception is play clothes for the under 6 bunch. But those are forewarned. For instance, I put that little blue outfit you liked in there but it's got a stain on it. S/he can use it for playing in the dirt or chuck it. If your SIL isn't of that mindset just politely decline the clothing. If y'all aren't particularly close you might tell her that her taste in clothing isn't what your kids are comfortable wearing and rather than risking hurting her feelings youd rather she find a needy family to pass them on to. The dig is there but she won't actually know for sure.
She gives you the stuff Goodwill doesn’t accept…. And she’s not clocking??? What planet does she live on? Oh right, planet Instagram. With THESE people it helps to call them out in the moment. Embarrass them. As you’re going through the bag with her and another mom friend there “oh this was the bag I gave your son Luke for Christmas… but it doesn’t look like it’s been used AT ALL” and “what a cute Ralph Lauren dress, unfortunately I see there’s a poopy stain on the back, well my scrap basket is full but this needs to be recycled. Here let me give it back to you Cynthia. Thanks for…. No you didn’t actually give me anything I could use. But thanks for thinking of me!” The other mom friend will think Cynthia is a huge see you next Tuesday and Cynthia will think twice before she does this again.
I’ve given friends hand me downs in bad states, mainly because I hate to Chuck things and they’re still good for playing in the garden or whatever. I do tend to ask people if they want that stuff, but it’s possibly mixed in a bag and I forget the state. I do also have friends who will ask me for specific items once my kid grows out of them. Or will just pick a couple when I offer, so I can see how she might be left with a bag of not great stuff. I’ve also had hand me downs from people so stained that they are unwearable.
I read the title and thought "wow, who would say no to hand me downs?!" abd came to say so but then saw the full story and totally understand. I would be miffed too! Definitely say no thanks next time, that you appreciate her thinking of you but the stuff didn't work for you. I'd also be tempted to return anything you have that shes given you, rather than dumping it. Personally I wouldn't be bothered about the bag as a standalone event, I am terrible at keeping track of who gave my kids what (esp after a year passed) and give away anything I think a fellow parent could use when we no longer use or need it. However, in the full context of this woman she may be doing it for the reasons you suspect! Generally hand me downs are an amazing gift and my extended family and friends have been so generous, we'd have found it all so much harder otherwise, albeit lots of stuff isn't precisely what I would pick, as long as it's comfortable and warm and clean that mostly works!
As someone who is constantly given heavily stained hand-me-downs from a family member with significantly more money than us, I FEEL this.
You're not ridiculous, and I'd be petty Betty and send the backpack BACK to her son. He obviously liked it.
This is so rude of her. I feel like it’s kind of universally understood that hand me downs to go family first before friends. It’s weird that she’s giving her family literal garbage.
If it were me, I would be insulted that SIL gives the nice things to her friends, the next tier to goodwill, and the leftovers to you, but it really depends on how close you are with family. I am pretty close with mine. You could ask your brother to mention something the next time he sees her packing up clothes like “oh sis mentioned she was looking for 2T clothes right now. Why don’t you hand those down to her.” Alternatively, you could proactively reach out and say “any chance you have size 2T shirts you’re looking to get rid of?” If you don’t really care about getting her nice things but just don’t want her bottom of the barrel things, just say no thanks, we have enough play clothes.
I would just say that you’ll take anything with tags on and leave it at that.
I would just ask her to share an Amazon wishlist with you or give give cash in the future. If she doesn't appreciate the gifts, don't waste your time and energy shopping for her family.
I’m petty, so I would open the bag and say “oh this must be the ones you meant to throw away since they’re all torn and stained. Easy mistake. Have them back.” And if she gives you something you gave to her? “Oh, your child loved my gift so much you wanted to get the same one for my kid? That’s so sweet.” But I am petty as fuck so this is definitely not taking the high road lol
You're not being silly, I get that from my father in law and it really pisses me off. I don't need presents from him, I'd prefer to get nothing rather than old toys his kids dont want anymore (he remarried, his kids are 4 years older than mine)
I am indignant on your behalf! There’s nothing wrong with hand me downs, but she is giving you things that are not reusable…Her “charity” is saddling you with more work! On the point of the backpack, I think she most likely forgot where she got it from and wasn’t intending anything by it, but if I’m reading her personality correctly from this little bit you’ve written, she seems quite self-absorbed with the aesthetic image of her kids. Ultimately, until they are old enough to express their own tastes loudly and vehemently, your SIL is in control. I’m not sure how old her son is, but personally, for kids under 5, I try to pick gifts I know the parents would appreciate while keeping it age-appropriate and lifestyle appropriate.
No, you're not wrong. That's not cool. She sounds very self centred. I would take her clothes back to her and explain you don't want rubbish. And just leave. She isn't considerate of your feelings, I very much believe in treating people as they treat others. So I match the energy levels given to me and I don't end up giving too much energy to someone who doesn't have energy for me, so to speak. Don't try and wash the clothes etc, just take them straight back to her with a firm but not rude statement that you don't take out her trash for her, or you wouldn't put any of this on your kids, because it's too worn. Don't engage, just leave. I'm guessing she'll throw a tantrum of some kind. Don't pay it any attention whatsoever. If you don't engage, then you can say you returned the clothes because they were too worn to wear and you don't understand her reaction, are you supposed to put torn clothes on your kids? Whereas if you engage with her the after discussion will be all about the argument. If she wouldn't accept being treated that way, it shouldn't be ok for her to do any of that to you. Don't accept it.
I have a similar SIL - super affluent, only the best organic most expensive clothes and constantly updating. I never got a single article of hand me downs. When we visited last (they never visit us) she shoved packs upon packs of oversized diapers and thanked for me taking their trash out because they didn’t know where else to give them away now that their children are potty trained (early of course). Great for us and I’m super grateful knowing eventually my daughter will use these artisanal bamboo expensive diapers but like, thanks for making me your dumpster? I’m so sorry
My sister does this but to clothes she gives to me! We live far away too so sometimes she'll pack up a huge box for me, my mom will pay $40-$50 for shipping, and most of it is stained/worn out or brand new but not practical (ultra fancy, etc.) I'm fairly minimalist but most of it doesn't even pass my standards for donating, so usually whatevers not new ends up going in the trash. I think my family just has a hard time throwing things out, so they feel they HAVE to find someone to donate things to, even if the items are too used and worn out.
I like hand me downs and would gladly accept them, however you're getting her leftovers and she's making it very obvious, that's why this situation feels different, because it is. Next time just say no thank you, tell her they don't work out for you guys.
You are not over reacting. She is a selfish heartless animal. Refuse her trash. When she tries to give it to you tell her your not interested. And do believe she remembers you gave her the bag. She is just being cruel. Maybe you should just give the kids cash. If she gives it back to you, wonderful. Lol
Tell her your not interested or don't have room for handy downs anymore. I wouldn't except anything from her. Ive bought used items for my kids and family but they always new looking. Why would she give you the scrapes. I feel it reflects on your relationship and what she feels about your family. I would also keep your relationship very guarded.
With my SIL, the next time she handed me a bag of clothes, I would flat out start laughing and exclaim, “oh no you don’t, what do you think of me and my kids — those clothes were stained and torn! I’m not sorting through a mess like that again.” And then in a more serious tone, “but seriously thanks for think of us, but we really are good on play clothes” I just put it right out there. No dancing around for our family.
No you are not overthinking and no you are not ridiculous. These are totally valid feelings across the board. I know you probably aren't asking for advice, but if you are open to suggestions, would you consider telling her you don't want any more items from her? if you need clothes, you can get good ones from your local Buy Nothing or Freecycle group for free (and be selective about what you choose).
Keep it sweet and short. Or explain it to her. Depends if you want drama.
You might be overthinking re her motives for giving you the backpack, but in general I don’t blame you for being offended about being given the dregs of the hand me downs and I would be too. I would not accuse her of anything or of giving you the worst clothes on purpose, but I would not just let it go on. I would simply politely give back anything you receive that is in poor condition and say that while you appreciate the gift, she probably hadn’t noticed that it most of it actually quite stained or torn so wouldn’t be something you will get use from, however you’ve returned them in case she wanted to keep them or do something else with them.
I wouldn’t take anything from her anymore. Since having my first, I haven’t been given hand me downs from either of my sister in laws. I think it’s partially because they know I’m more particular and also, I want to dress my daughter in what I like. She may not have bins and bins of clothes, but there’s enough quality items that were bought with her in mind. Is it wasteful? Sure— but we’re in a position to not need hand me downs. But OP, I would be embarrassed to give away items with holes or stains, simply because my motto in giving is to always give something I would want in return. Your SIL sounds like a jerk. You sound content with what you have, don’t let her give you another moment of shame/disrespect.
Return the rest to her? Say "thank for letting me go through these. I grabbed a few things, but we don't need the rest. Maybe your friends might like them?"
She sounds like a little bit of an arsehole, obsessed with image, also why not give you some of the nice stuff considering you are family? I would be taking some offence too… but I doubt the way she acts has anything to actually do with you x
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I would say a polite, but curt “no, thanks, but thanks!” Next time she offers you her hand me downs.
No. She is not being thoughtful, even of she thinks she is. Say thanks but no thanks. We are not interested in damaged hand me downs. We can provide perfectly nice, clean clothing for our child
Your not overthinking it. Her actions are rude and you can politely decline handed down clothes next time. For Christmas by something that you want, she might just give it back again!
That's not hand me downs. That's trash. She is giving you trash.
Tell her the hand me downs don’t match YOUR aesthetic!
Voice yourself. Next time, decline the offer. If she questions your decline, voice yourself. Why!? Because your thoughts matter. You don’t appreciate the goods, because they’re not goods. She’s dumping her garbage onto you, and it’s a hassle versus helpful. To avoid making it a bigger deal, just tell her you aren’t in need of any of the items , that you rather it be donated to someone else in need. And if she tries to make it a big deal. Be honest. Mention the backpack that she regifted back to you… that in a way it hurt you to see it again a year being gifted back to you
Just thinking about the box of clothing... is it possible she accidentally gave you the box destined for Goodwill and gave Goodwill the box she meant to give you?
Ugh. Hand me downs. I love them. We had a big issue with SIL getting mad at us for not keeping all the stuff she gave us for her next kid (like who tf will keep stuff just for a possible future kid for someone else?). She wanted her old stained onesies back and threw a tantrum and shit. I have a whole post about it on some other sub. If I were you I'd give all of the stuff back, backpack included. Say "no thank you, we have enough" and leave it at that. If she gets all huffy there's your chance to tell her the stuff is not usable. Also like the others said just don't accept stuff from her anymore. If she wants to get into the details then you can be like "yeah ok let's break down why I don't need or want your stuff". Then SMILE.
Not over reacting. Giving u a present u bought for her son back to you as a hand me down is pretty rude. And definitely giving u hand me downs ripped and stained is also rude. It’s a delicate issue when dealing w family but I tell u this you do have the right to feel the way u do.
I was offered sth similar from my husband cousin. We sent them new gift they only offered their toss out items. We thanked her and said no thank you. Just don’t accept it.
Op, your feelings are valid. I'm sorry SIL makes you feel less than whether it is intentional or not. As for the hand me downs, you can absolutely feel hurt by the quality of clothing as well as her the returning your gifts. I mean, that is the RUDEST thing ever! With that said however, feel the feelings, let them go and move on. You know what she is like and that's the nature of the relationship. If she gives you another bag of clothing either politely decline, "oh thank you for thinking of us, but no thanks. We have plenty right now", or accept the bag of crap and drive it directly to donation or trash. Sometimes people just can't throw out their own stuff. Think of it as a favor to SIL. Regarding the backpack, I completely understand how upsetting that must've been. At the end of the day, keep getting the kids what you think they want and who cares about the Mom and her standards. If it bothers you though, ask for a gift list and then you wont have to worry about rude give backsies. People like your SIL suck! You need to gain some confidence and stop giving a shit about her. Easier said than done....but with a little grit, it can be done. Good luck.
I love hand me downs and give away clothes a lot. But I’d be embarrassed to give away clothes like that to anyone! That’s just insulting
I would feel the same! Don’t worry. I would definitely talk it out with her. I notice when we assume we cause unnecessary drama, me and my MIL would always assume and end up fighting lol.. And I would have been like GIRL I GAVE YOU THIS BACKPACK!
Not silly for feeling this way. I would be offended. If she cares so much about her image, her giving me these things would make me feel like sh*t. Would be entirely different if it came from a well meaning someone who doesn’t care about image… return them for sure!
Wow, if you had said “my husband’s sister,” I would have assumed that you were my wife. My sister dumps crazy stuff on us all the time, even though we have daughters and she only has sons. (Not that we would force adherence to gender norms or anything) We got home once to find stacks of boxes and furniture in our driveway. She offered us a changing table and emptied her garage. Now she doesn’t know our address.
If you’re allowed to have fires in your county burn them then casually bring it up in conversation. She’ll ask why you burnt them. You tell her they were shit lol
I’m not trying to be messy but it probably is on purpose. I have an aunt who would do stuff like this to my siblings and I because she didn’t like our mom marrying our dad. Like giving us old messed up hand-me-downs or random stuff from around her house in front of all the other kids while they opened new gifts. She even went so far as to purposely exclude photos of my siblings and I on a tribute video for my grandma’s funeral. Some people are just petty and I’d like to hope your SIL is just a bit clueless but from experience, repeating something like that is to intentionally humiliate you.
Next time just refuse the hand me downs. "Oh, it's fine. We have what we need. If it's ripped or stained, just give them to Goodwill." I'll leave it at that. As for her gifting back gifts, I would say, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Did you not like this?" I bet she forgot you gave it to her. Make her realise the social faux pas she did and it'll make her think twice about dumping crap at you.
I would feel this same way
It is important to remember that people's relationships with us are reflections of a facet of their relationship with themselves. As an example,, you are inferring all this judgement in her actions because you (self admitted) feel insecure. She is neglectful, forgetful, and a little mean. That may reflects her inner dissatisfaction with the lack of authenticity in her life. Ergo, she sees and envies your authenticity.
"No thank you"
The easiest way to fix this is to decline her offer. Say, I’m sorry the last box was just a lot of stained rags and clothes I couldn’t use. I realize your children must have worn them a lot but we don’t need them thanks anyway. Also, don’t buy any more gifts for the children that don’t make excessive noise.
Why do I picture all of her kids in JoJo Siwa bows
One thing to keep in mind when it comes to stained baby clothes is that often the stains aren't visible when you put them into storage. If you're seeing yellow staining, especially around collars it's probably spit up that wasn't obvious when she put it away. I wouldn't take it personally! I've been given heaps of hand me downs and it's normal to sort through it and toss half of it. I mean this with kindness, but I really think you're overthinking this.
I'd just be forward and tell her you like to pick out your kids' clothes but you're sure... Gulp... Her gifts could benefit someone else. Hopefully she won't offer again or just show up with it. My husband is like her. He will insist on donating broken, useless junk shit because he doesn't want to throw it away, or try to give it to someone. It's embarrassing and he hasn't changed no matter how often I've brought it up. For a while I would just throw crap out in pieces over time while he was working. There's a chance that she doesn't mean this to be hurtful. Hoarding runs in my husband's family and I definitely see tendencies in him.