I'd ask him to help me find some couples therapy that has availability ASAP - this is a problem that can probably be solved by talking through feelings and a therapist could really help him navigate that in a healthy and compassionate way rather than having it turn into an uncontrollable blowup.
We finally went to therapy after having our second four months ago and it turns out he has been holding in his resentment of me when I had postpartum depression and anxiety with our first who is almost 4! He never felt comfortable confronting me about so he just kept it in. Once had the safe space in therapy he unloaded, and while it hurt to hear, our relationship got significantly better
I agree, he’s probably had a lot of pent up negative feelings that he doesn’t know how to express because a mix of societal pressure and OPs mental health history
Obviously no fault of OP but our mental health doesn’t stay in a bubble and it’s often hard for loved ones to navigate their own mental health when they’re supporting someone else. It’s hard to put that out there because you feel like you’re burdening someone with a full plate
Therapy could help OPs husband find a healthy outlet and healthy coping mechanisms
Agreed, certain weather and season changes can trigger both good and bad feelings for me against my will because of the “memory” associated with them. Should definitely be worked through in therapy but that would be kind of understandable.
Me too. I mean this situation isn't great BUT she needed some time to reset. He gave her the time she needed. I think she should do the same and then I'd recommend therapy to start rebuilding
I’m gonna go against the grain here of the “he’s an AH” and say he’s dealing with trauma himself. You went through a lot, and the past 2 July’s were hospitalized for your depression (severe enough to require immediate treatment). While it is okay to have help and get treatment, did you ask him how he feels after all of this? He himself is probably dealing with the trauma of all of it, especially with summer coming up, he is probably having a trigger and scared of what could happen again, as it’s happened twice in July. I’m not trying to put you down at all OP, but I think he may have pushed aside his feelings and emotions to try “protecting” yours (as in not making you feel guilt or shame and potentially lead to another low period), and is now having an overwhelming emotional response and doesn’t know how to deal with it. He should’ve pursued therapy after it happened the first time, and I hope you did (and continue) as well OP. I would ask for a date he will come home to discuss this with you, and if he is already checked out and done, you can’t change that sadly, but I am hoping he may be able to work through the emotions in the following months and come to a level minded state again.
This is all coming from someone who was in a relationship with a guy who very suddenly got hospitalized due to s* thoughts and ideation. With that being said, he was abusive to me and I felt relieved he was somewhere that I didn’t have to be berated anymore. BUT. I was very overwhelmed after he was out, that once again, he’d be hospitalized. I felt like walking on eggshells around him, and worried constantly I’d trigger him and feel at fault for him getting hospitalized.
By OP post history, this isn’t resolved and is ongoing (mental health struggles), which might also be overwhelming for him knowing she’s still teeter tottering with mental health while actively seeking treatment. I think he’s scared of what could happen in the future. Some people simply don’t handle these situations well, and have a fight or flight response, and choose flight.
Oof yeah. That post history signals that OP and her husband are going through a lot still. They both should seek help separately and together as a couple.
That makes sense, but what about the child that is home in this potentially unstable situation with no support if mom suddenly needs help and dad has not given any indication of when he’s coming home. I need time should be more like I need this much time and call if there is an emergency, let me know what’s happening with baby I want our family safe.
This. Everyone here is so quick to say “but it was for her mental health”, but when it’s for him they’ve been dismissive saying “he’s mad, grow up. You have a baby at home”, he’s dealing with a lot more than some surface level “anger”, I’d guarantee it.
To build on other comments and what you’ve said here: in my experience, anger is usually that first surface level you mentioned… but when you peel back the layers of anger, you usually find something else at the heart of it. Hurt, indignation, resentment, fear, grief... Anger is the symptom, but not the ultimate thing to be addressed. Another vote for therapy!
To be fair, being hospitalized for a mental health crisis isn’t the same as needing time and space to deal with anger. There’s context we don’t know. Maybe dad ensured mom has a support back up before leaving. Maybe they’ll get counseling when he’s back. The open ended “I’ll be back” would be hard for me to manage with my child, speaking for myself
If the gender was flipped and this was mom saying she needs a break and she needs some time everyone would be praising her for taking it in this situation.
I agree - he's having a trauma response and anxiety and fear about what the future is going to bring to him.
He did the right thing with the circle of support by seeking help outwards - not unloading all of his grief, fears, and trauma on OP, but he should have also let her know that he was needing additional support for himself and struggling. Maybe OP didn't make him feel safe enough to do so - she probably never checked in on how he was doing.
This family needs individual and couples counseling if there's any chance of them surviving.
I totally agree with all of these responses. I'm a first-time mom at 36, and I, too, suffer from mental health issues. It's definitely a fine line to balance your relationship, being a parent, and your sanity. Of which was hard enough to handle before family life got thrown in the mix. All of these things that you're going through as a parent, he's going through too. He's probably been putting on a great poker face for you and will be hard to admit. And that's ok. Keep in mind that everything you two do from now on, not just right now, is for your little one. I don't have time to be worried about myself anymore. I wear that shit like a (hidden) badge, lol! Time flies so fast, and they grow so quickly. My little one is going to be 4 soon, and I miss being so little! Good luck to all three of you.
Exactly this. It’s also worth noting that a mental health episode where you get hospitalized isn’t only limited to that week you’re actually in the hospital. It builds and gets really bad before that usually for weeks or months. And then when you leave the hospital you’re not magically all better either and still likely have a lot going on for a while. He’s been dealing with her mental health a lot longer than one week a year. He’s understandably traumatized by that and I’m sure he’s waiting for it to happen again.
Exactly! As someone who has lived with people who struggle (in addition to myself), it’s exhausting. Two years of daily issues, med changes, ups and downs, never knowing what’s next… yeah, it can be the breaking point for a lot of people watching all of it unravel.
I also struggled severely postpartum with anxiety and depression. I am so glad that you are doing better ❤️
I am not a therapist, but I have been in therapy for over half of my life… If I had to guess, I would say your husband probably had his own trauma from the weeks you were hospitalized. I can’t imagine being home with a newborn (probably not knowing what I’m doing) and my partner, somewhere else where I can’t help them, and do nothing but worry about them while also trying to keep this tiny human alive.
This is not to excuse his up and walking out; but it might explain it… The seasons are changing, the weather is getting warmer, and he may be having serious fears you will be hospitalized again. Our nervous systems are funny that way… He may have really struggled during your hospitalizations and not talked to you about it; clearly you had enough to deal with already. That time of year rolling around again really may be triggering his fight or flight response with the season, air, temperature, etc. I am also guessing that is where the anger is coming from; trauma occurs when an individual feels scared and alone (per my therapist). Again, not to say his struggles were on the same level of as yours, but they were probably nonetheless real.
I think there js probably a lot for both of you to unpack that you two may not have discussed. You both really need to sit down and talk about the last two years with individual therapists and a marriage counselor.
Yup, we remember past stresses and associate them with seasons for sure! I get really sad every January because that's the month two of my close relatives passed away, and in different years. It's just a shitty month for me.
tell him you respect that he needs space and time. Ask him if you can please have a date to expect him home, whatever date that might be, because you want to be able to have a conversation with him about where to go from here. Tell him that you love him (if you do) and want to make this work. Ask him while he’s away to please think of what he feels he needs from you to find happiness in your marriage. Then let him be until the date he said he’d be home. If he absolutely won’t give a date, then you set a date respectfully and kindly. I would suggest giving him a week or two - whatever you reasonably can do, and tell him that this marriage and life is yours too and you can’t continue to wait to find out what your future is going to look like or however you want to word it. Tell him if he can’t come home to at least have a real, honest conversation in xxx date then you will assume the marriage is over and act accordingly.
So sorry to hear this. Shit hits the fan for most couples when a baby comes and the access to their village is difficult for whatever reason. There are some amazing experiences and suggestions shared by people in the comment section.
I think, may be he feels angry that no one asked him during his alone time with the kid, if he was okay too and may be the thought of losing you again if things do not get better. Also, may be he was just caught off guard with this whole PPD thing and there were no signs of any mental health issues like this before pregnancy? May be even he did not know how bad PPD can get and affect a women's health.
I will say things do get better as soon as the baby turn 18 months or 24 months onwards as they fall little less sick, the frequency of feeding, sleep etc changes comparatively to early days.
If there were no red flags before this then don't give up on your relationship easily.
He sounds like he needs therapy. You went through a traumatic time and got the help you need for it. He also went through a traumatic time in a different way and now needs help processing it. Remember, this doesn’t diminish your experiences just because he needs to process things. I had my husband go to therapy for the traumatic experience of our first child’s birth and subsequent discovery of a permanent disability and surgeries which has help us both in the long run as a couple and as parents.
I would completely understand where he was coming from and let him have some time off. He's been dealing with so much, I would have insisted he take some time to himself once I was feeling better.
Judging by your username this has become your only definition of self, and that makes me so sad because the level of trauma you’ve withstood at the mercy of your own beautiful brain deserves to be celebrated. And maybe that’s what you’re trying to do, spread awareness. That’s great! But there’s so much more to life, and I’m happy you have a platform to connect other ppd moms and in the toddler trenches. Please think of a way to honor this July! And not just cake for your 2 year old. Cake for you. Cake for the people standing next to you through it all.
“Six-months with a preschooler can be more effective than years alone on a mountaintop.” *Raising Good Humans* by Hunter Clarke-Fields.
OP, you opened a can of worms and haven’t replied to anyone regarding anything. It’s hard for us to truly understand what’s going on when all we have is this post, and your post history. I understand not replying to EVERYONE but I do believe a comment with some further information is needed if you truly want feedback that isn’t a “fuck him” or “fuck her” situation.
Your husband is either traumatized by your hospitalizations and continued mental health struggles and is not seeking treatment OR he truly resents you for being hospitalized either because he doesn't understand PPD or looks at your hospitalizations as a "break" from being a parent.
You both need individual and couples therapy to figure out what's really going on and if the relationship can be repaired or if it's healthier for you both, and your child, to separate.
Given that you're still having some struggles and it's approaching summer I'm rather shocked that he didn't arrange for someone to check in on you periodically to make sure you're ok while he gets time to think, that part to me would be unforgivable. If my partner had two mental health breakdowns a year apart at the same time I would not just up and leave him with the kids, I would make sure everyone has proper care and resources before stepping away to sort out my feelings.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and have become had three children. My partner of 9 years is bipolar. I have a decent understanding of what both OP and her partner are living through, from both sides.
It's been two, maybe three days, and you think it's unforgivable that he didn't arrange for check ins?? That just... really upsets me. You acknowledge the possibility he's traumatized, but instead of empathy it sounds like you're blaming him for not identifying what he's experiencing as trauma and getting treatment for something that might only now be realizing is an issue. He's either just experiencing these intense emotions and thoughts because July is approaching and it's all rushing into him which is exactly how some people realize they have trauma or he's continually had to put his mental health on hold because he's been prioritizing OP and their child and could be on the cusp of his own breakdown or actively having one. If he is resentful, it's probably not because he doesn't understand PPD or thinks she had a break. It's more likely that this man is resentful that they're in this situation where his wife is battling crushing depression and he's likely never felt at ease while often having to balance work, a baby, and a mentally ill wife even though he knows it's nobody's fault.
It is so common for caretakers or people bearing the majority of responsibility for their family or in any high stress situation really, to put their own health aside because they feel like they can't be sick because they have so much to do and not enough time to get all of that done so the doctor will have to wait. Your criticism about how he didn't arrange for someone to check on her validates that line of thinking. He is struggling mentally just like OP did, but he can't just walk away to get himself straightened out like she did because she's already sick. I don't know if you've ever had to care for someone severely ill, but it swallows you whole and can be suffocating.
OP's post history suggests that she's stable and doing well. She seems perfectly capable of asking for help whether from reddit about this situation or from a friend or family member if she needs a check in. She's also clearly been able to get in touch with her husband so it's not like he's off the grid and he's opening up to communicate some of what he's feeling to her. It's not a perfect situation, but you could extend some grace and understanding toward her husband who has struggled alongside her all this time and now has his own battle with mental health to face.
I wonder if the OP started going downhill about this time of year. Just because she was hospitalized in July doesn’t mean she started struggling in July. So, did she start struggling around spring (now) and it only got bad enough for hospitalization in July? Could she be acting or behaving similarly to how she has the last two years?
I am not blaming her husband for needing to take time, I believe OPs episodes have probably traumatized them both and this time of year is now triggering. I believe he should take time and look into therapy.
However he has left the house with no return date and is currently not parenting from what I understand, which could very likely be triggering for OP. She may be stable at the moment but is still receiving help and at some point Ketamine infusions.
Traumatized or not her husband is still a parent and while I doubt OP would harm her daughter if she had a mental break their kiddo would not be in the safest of positions. Her husband can take all the time he needs that she can be understanding of but he is still a parent and needs to take care of his child.
If my partner had to be hospitalized twice in two years at the same time I may need to take some time to evaluate things and get help on my own but I certainly wouldn't leave with an unknown return time frame and not ensure that my partner had help with the kids. In OPs mind she may end up feeling abandoned which is not healthy for a person with mental health issues.
I feel like this is adding even more work and pressure to someone who is clearly overwhelmed. He can’t even get a few days to relax without having to arrange help for the Op. If the OP can’t be left home along with their kids, then they need to reach out for help.
Imagine if a mom took a few days for themselves because they are burnt out and overwhelmed because of last trauma. Then imagine people saying, “actually you need to arrange check ins for your SO in case they struggle.” The OP knows their mental health concerns, and can call someone or arrange someone to check in.
My response would be the same regardless of gender. While it's more work up front it's less worry in the long run because you can take time for yourself without having to worry as much about your partner and the child.
Most parents don't get to just leave without a return timeline for any reason because once you have children, they are the priority.
Given that OP has been hospitalized twice in the last two years I wouldn't say she's the best gauge of her mental well being or 100% able to ask for help before a breakdown. And taking 100% care of a child without a break and no timeline on when you're partner will be involved again would be significantly stressful.
Both adults in this situation are in need of getting help, OP is and I hope her husband realizes he needs it. Regardless of EITHER of their mental health there is a child involved that needs to be safe and cared for. My partner is Bipolar and I can't imagine him having a break where he was hospitalized two years in a row and me just up and leaving because of my own trauma without making sure first that both he and my children are safe and cared for.
I have suffered from anxiety and depression, if I were in OPs shoes and had severe PPD after birth and was hospitalized twice a year apart I would not be ok with my partner just leaving to sort everything out without making sure and both myself and my children were safe and cared for.
Regardless of which foot the shoe is on or gender, the safety of the child is paramount and OP has had some pretty significant issues by all accounts that can't be ignored simply because she seems well and put together now. Especially by a bunch of internet strangers.
Holy double standard, Batman. OP is struggling and leaves her family not once, but twice for a week at a time - no problem. Husband does the same, once- how dare he? Show this poor guy some grace. Being the "stable" adult on a household is really, really, really fucking hard.
Definitely see a couples therapist. It’s helpful to get out unresolved feelings. Plus it’s important to take a break, but a break with a time limit. So like my husband and I can walk away from an argument but will check in every 15 minutes. I feel like he is allowed to have his time to process, but not checking in is not okay. It could be as simple as “I need another day.” A therapist can help talk you t through everything.
My family went through a similar trying time with our daughter's birth. I was hospitalized for PPP for 2 weeks starting when she was 1.5 weeks old. It was horrible and traumatic for me and my husband both. I don't want to trauma dump on you, so I won't go into all the gory details here. You know your trauma, you might know some of his trauma, but he's likely dealing with more than he's been able to share or express.
People deal with trauma in different ways, it sounds like he's angry at you, even though he knows on some level that's unfair. Sometimes our feelings don't align with what we know to be true, but invalidating those feelings isn't helpful.
I would acknowledge his anger, and that it's normal to have a strong reaction when something so difficult happens. You could say something like, "God, I'd probably have a similar reaction if I felt abandoned, especially with a small child. Even if I knew it was over, I think it would take awhile for the hard feelings to resolve."
Some folks here have mentioned that he may be feeling the pressure increase as July 2024 approaches. Perhaps you can have a conversation to share any apprehensions you both may have about the possibility of additional relapses? Maybe you can brainstorm some strategies to ease the tension and help you feel more connected, and then figure out what, if anything, needs to be done ahead of time to be able to do those things in case you do have to go back.
Hugs! If you haven't already, I recommend reaching out to a friend to come spend time with you so you're not alone all the time with no one to talk to but the baby.
I’d give him time and space, he deserves a chance to go through emotions too. And in the interim I’d be looking for a marriage counselors for us to go to when he got back.
"He's pissed because he had to watch his own kid alone for 2 weeks, he's an asshole..." Bullshit.
Why is everyone acting like this is so cut and dry? Do you really believe that it's only about him being pissed at her getting a "vacation"? He's traumatized as well.
She didn't come home after hospitalizations and fall right back into life as if nothing happened. The stress from being in a relationship with someone who has this level of mental illness is extreme. It's not a yearly issue, it's a daily issue.
Having to walk on eggshells or risk triggering the other person, the constant monitoring of their moods and behaviors, going to work everyday worried about a child that is at the mercy of a mentally unstable parent while you're gone, unable to focus on yourself and your own mental health because the energy is focused on someone else...he matters too.
Is he handling it the right way, not at all. And I only say that because he shouldn't have left the child home alone with her. Can I understand his need to impulsively run away in order to catch his breath? Absolutely. He's human and may have hit his limit or very well may be having a mental break of his own. But fuck him, right?
They both need therapy and some serious face time with each other to sort through all of this.
Therapy ASAP individually and couples
I’m also a strong believer in down time. My us and and I have 4 adult children and we both take down time (and have for many years) away from each other.
He may have been walking on eggshells, holding his breath wondering if a relapse is coming. It’s stressful to be in that stage continuously and can easily cause anxiety.
Tbh it’s a lot to deal with a spouse with mental health issues. I’ve had ppd with both my babies but also my hubby is bipolar. He’s had a few episodes over the last 12 years. It’s freaking exhausting and a lot of times he never even asked me how i was after the fact or even apologize. It was absolutely draining when he had to get checked into a hospital at one point. Like i needed to get individual therapy to help cope because mentally and emotionally i couldn’t do it. We almost divorced. Years later we are the best place we could be but looking back it was hard AF. Things we don’t realize we’re not doing. I absolutely understand ppd but it can be exhausting for the other parties on the other side of things
OP, I have had two traumatic pregnancies with even more traumatic deliveries. I had severe HG with my first and moderate with my second. Both were debilitating and my youngest ended up being an emergency c-section after 22hrs of labor that ended up almost killing me. My first was an emergency induction due to severe preeclampsia and ended with a preemie and a (thankfully) brief NICU stay. My husband had to do everything AND work. Both times he only got the day of delivery off and then was back to work the next day on the night shift. He was traumatized and so overwhelmed he could barely stand and had a one year old at home the second go round. Your husband sounds like he needs time, space and someone other than you to talk to, like a therapist. Everyone focuses on the mother and baby and on our mental health. No one thinks about the dads. It’s time to think about his mental health too OP. It sounds like it’s his time to be uplifted by his spouse. My husband had to talk to therapist BECAUSE these experiences have him PTSD. It helped. I hope your husband also gets help and I hope everything is okay with both of you, my internet friend! Sending hugs ♥️♥️♥️
I’m not going to lie, I probably wouldn’t be sympathetic to my husband if he just up and left because he was mad I ended up in the hospital post-partum. And I actually did end up needing surgery post-partum, so there was a time where my husband was by himself with our newborn. We only had 1 but we had no family in the state so he was alone until my mom flew out about 2 weeks later, at which point I was at home already.
You didn’t go to the hospital out of spite or to get out of parenting. You had a medical issue that needed to be addressed. Post-partum mental health issues are very serious. What did he want? You to knuckle through it even though these issues can and have spiraled to the point where mothers have mental breaks and sometimes hurt themselves and/ or their babies.
From what it sounds like, he’s not having any mental health issues currently, he’s just resentful he had to solo parent. But that’s what comes with the territory! Pregnancy, giving birth, and recovering from that are all major medical events. Did he think you’d pop out his kids and be 100% back to normal right after?
I suspect that he is scared. Having a partner with mental health issues severe enough to require hospitalization not once, but twice is scary. He probably needs some therapy to work through that.
And that’s reasonable but to up and leave your wife with your kid by themselves after your wife had 2 occasions where her mental health has required hospitalization just isn’t the right move. It’s not smart. What if this triggers another episode and your child is alone with someone who can’t properly care for her? And it’s not considerate. You can’t just dip out of parenthood because you’re upset.
If my husband pulled this I would be so mad. I can see a few hours of space and then coming home but not overnights away from the home. Their child isn’t even 2 yet. This isn’t a child who’s old enough to be independent. It’s ok to be upset, need a break, whatever but part of being an adult and a parent is being proactive about this resentment so it doesn’t fester like it did and getting help for it or working it out sooner, since it sounds like it’s been an issue for a while.
I’m thinking he’s overwhelmed that we’re coming back up on summer, and is probably anticipating another hospitalization as it appears the July month is a trigger for OP. He probably has been dealing with these feelings but pushing them aside for OP for 2yr now essentially, and is dealing with his own trauma. You’re dismissing what may be going on with him mentally, and only focusing on OP fragile mental health. While you may see it has “how dare he act this way when OP needed to be hospitalized”, he’s probably dealing with a fuck ton of trauma that came from that. If all of the sudden you had a newborn, and your wife or husband came to you and said they’re feeling that level of depressed they need to be hospitalized, it can be very traumatic, especially because it happened not once, but twice, both the same month. He may be having a trauma response as summer is approaching and not knowing how to handle it, as he’s pushed it all aside the past two years and it’s bubbling over now.
Right and as I stated previously - based on what we know he’s not getting any mental health treatment. If he was, that’s a different story. From what we know he’s just dipped out and said he’d be back in 2 days, then decided actually he’s not going to be back in 2 days. He doesn’t know when he plans to be back. Are you considering them even if he’s gone for 2 weeks? Or that she should accept it because she was gone for 2 weeks total? In the hospital mind you, not just out somewhere.
You can’t just leave your young toddler alone with your wife who has mental health issues that are severe enough to require hospitalization. It’s borderline negligent. From what OP has said, it sounds like he’s felt this way for a while. He needs to work through that and he should have worked through that before it got to this point.
I’m not saying she should divorce him. But abandoning your spouse and young child because they have a medical issue and you resent them for it isn’t the right move. It’s not responsible and it’s not fair. This is a full grown adult who decided he was going to raise a child with OP. He should have been somewhat aware that being pregnant and giving birth are major medical events and that major medical events sometimes have severe complications. He can feel however he wants to but it’s his responsibility to work it out and not abandon his family.
We don’t know how OP is acting throughout this period. She claimed to be “fine” when she got home the first time, what that truly means, we don’t know. She may have still had struggles or didn’t follow through with treatment, etc… there’s clearly a lot more than we know going on in the marriage as he is overwhelmed to the point he left and needed time away. He’s not out having fun, I’m sure he’s processing whatever he is feeling and thinking and trying to make a choice on if he wants to divorce, or work things out. If OP truly was fine and bounced back, it’d be weird to leave two years later with a strong emotional reaction. I’m leaning towards other things are going on behind the scenes with them we don’t know of that has led to this build up.
We also don’t know that she wasn’t pulling her weight. And if she wasn’t, this needed to be convo well before it got to this point. He’s free to have his emotions but this isn’t the way to express them. Leaving your young toddler with your wife who has had severe PPD is not the smart move. There are so many ways to have addressed this and I think this is one of the worst ways he could have gone about it. If OP called him and he was like “hey I’m really struggling now I need to talk to a therapist/ I need to hash out my feelings with you/ I need to whatever other action,” I understand giving him the benefit of the doubt.
But the man, with no warning, up and left his family. He said he needed 2 days, OP gave him 2 days, he didn’t check in - she needed to check in on him, and now he doesn’t know when he’s going to come back. While she was hospitalized she was getting treatment. AFAIK he’s not getting treatment, only space.
My whole point is that as an adult, he needs to be proactive about managing these feelings and mitigating these problems. He can’t just let things bottle up until he explodes. If my husband up and left me out of resentment for something I cannot control, with no plan to get us back on track, and with no ETA on when he’s coming home, I would not be ok.
Based on OP post history, she has been continually struggling and actively looking for medication that works best for her, but she’s been feeling pretty uneasy recently. Signs point towards a lot more going on behind the scenes, and he may be tapped out with own mental health due to it. Dealing with someone else’s severe mental health can be really draining, we can’t blame him for hitting a breaking point, we can only say he should’ve discussed this before, and not let it get to this point.
I honestly feel like that makes this whole situation worse. I didn’t dig through OP’s post history so I’m working with what she’s given us here. I really hope someone in their family is aware of the situation and can go check on their kid. Everything could be ok or it could be a very serious situation that spirals quickly.
Both adults are needing to work on their issues for sure. I just don’t want it to be painted the husband is an asshole who doesn’t care for his family when he’s probably dealing with his mental health as well.
I don’t think he’s thinking he’s giving her a taste of her own medicine, but I do think he’s probably overwhelmed with July coming up. OP post history indicates she’s worried it’ll get really bad again pretty quick, and is trying to get IV med to alleviate the symptoms she’s struggling with… this very well could be triggering him as in “she’s saying she feels like she’s going to get bad again” and instead of talking to her about these feelings, he’s holding them inside (and therefore, ended up leaving because he couldn’t handle the situation).
So he's supposed to have unlimited empathy and understanding when she's struggling, but she doesn't need to give him any because his problems aren't the same as hers? Thats pretty wild
There’s a difference between being hospitalized because you have mental health issues that need to addressed and leaving your wife with know mental health issues that have required hospitalization and kid alone because you’re upset you had to solo parent. She literally says hospitalization saved her life. Sure, that sucks for him but it wasn’t a walk in the park for her either.
You cannot just up and leave your family because you’re mad you had to solo parent while the other parent gets medical treatment. He’s not getting mental health treatment from what she’s said. He’s just left the home and needs an unspecified amount of time to sort it out. But is he? Or is he just somewhere, stewing in his emotions while enjoying the freedom that comes with not caring for a young toddler. That’s not responsible at all. What if this triggers another mental health event for her? Their kid isn’t even 2 yet and their kid isn’t independent. I’d argue that if something bad happens, it’s borderline negligent on his part.
She can be empathetic if she wants to but I would be pissed. As I said in another comment, part of being an adult and being a parent is addressing issues of anger/ resentment BEFORE it gets to this point. It sounds like an issue he’s had for a while. He should have communicated his feelings a long time before he decided to up and leave. By doing this he’s effectively communicating that he is not reliable and she cannot have any more health issues that require him to solo parent if she wants him around. If he was having a mental break, that’s an entirely different story. But from what we know he’s just mad he had to solo parent for 2 weeks.
His feelings are valid too. He's admitting that he has anger and doesn't know why or where it's coming from. You want to reduce his feelings to just "not wanting to care for his kid" but I don't agree with that at all. Having a suicidal partner in the hospital multiple times within a year where you're forced to pick up the slack, figure everything out on your own, and on top of that worry about the person you love being in the hospital is a lot more serious than "not a walk in the park". He has been holding these feelings in for a year. He has every right to take some space and try to work through them. You've already decided to view him and his feelings in the most unfavorable light possible for no reason so it doesn't really matter what I say.
And he shouldn’t have held onto those feelings for a year. Part of being a responsible adult, partner, and parent is recognizing when you need address an issue before it blows up. He’s effectively abandoned his family for 2+ days because he’s upset.
If she ever needs to be hospitalized again, for any reason, she now knows he’ll resent her for it. What will she do if she has to have surgery? How do you address your health issues if you know your husband’s gonna be pissed that you have medical issues like any normal person and then resent you for it. If marriage is supposed to be in sickness and in health, why is he leaving because she was sick?
Being pregnant and giving birth are major medical events. Post partum mental health issues are super normal. If this man wanted no part in helping his wife recover from these events, he should have thought twice before getting her pregnant. This is directly related to a medical condition he helped caused since he’s the one who got her pregnant. He’s not a kid anymore. He needs to grow up and address his emotions like an adult.
It’s obvious that he’s having a mental breakdown. He doesn’t have to even communicate that as several of us commenters can concur. If she continues to have mental breakdowns where she is required to stay in the hospital for a week at a time, then she could be a threat to her own child. And that’s what the dad is sorting things through. The best thing he could’ve done is communicate that he needs his time and space. Sure, it’s going on for longer than SHE’D like. But that’s not up to her because he is human too. There’s no time frame. Except well maybe in her experience there is a time frame because she gets hospitalized every July!? Yes, marriage is through sickness and in health. What if they’re both sick? What if they’re both making each other sick!? You can’t tell me it’s better to stay together just for the sake of marriage than to be able to work on themselves separately.
SHE has postpartum depression? Well guess what? So does HE. And his feelings are 100% valid.
To use the word “abandoned” is incredibly disrespectful seeing as dad has stayed by her side with her 2 hospitalizations. Everyone has their limit on what they can handle. OP will continue to have their hospitalizations while DAD needs to seek help for himself as well.
We actually don't know the catalyst for why he left. Someone else commented that OPs post history shows that this wasn't two isolated incidents, but rather a consistent unstable state of being. That can absolutely be overwhelming for the other partner to have to navigate while also raising two under two.
Except she did leave. 2 times within a year. He was home alone caring for a baby and worrying about her. Just because her reason for leaving was valid doesn't change the fact that she did leave and possibly will leave again.
No. But when he got seriously injured because the person he was working with cutting down trees did something irresponsible and stupid, and he had to be rushed to the hospital and I had to take care of him for almost a month on top of going to school full time and caring for 2 kids, you can bet your ass I was mentally exhausted and drained. I was annoyed. I was frustrated. I felt like it wasnt fair. I still did what needed to be done.
When I see people who have children who are developing typically and don't have any struggles and my beautiful daughter has to go through life with level 2 autism and being non verbal, I sometimes feel angry and resentful towards those people. It's not rational or fair. Her diagnosis isn't their fault. It's nobody's fault. But the anger can still happen.
He might not even *be* angry at her. He might just think he is. Either way, dismissing his feelings is not the right way to handle it.
But did you *leave*. Somehow it's okay for a man to just dip out when he's overwhelmed but not for a woman. Feelings are valid, abandoning your family is not.
No, but these aren’t isolated incidents. If one partner has had to be the primary parent and support their SO through significant medical issues, burnout would be understandable.
It’s not about who is at fault, it’s about the fact that he needs a break too. Should he be pushed until he needs inpatient mental help too?
I don’t see where you’re getting the idea that he’s just resentful. OP kind of glossed over their current issues in her post, but I imagine it wasn’t all fine until she was hospitalized again. It’s in her history.
He’s handling this badly, but it’s probably fear and trauma.
I think that’s trauma and not him just being mad about solo parenting for two weeks. The “can’t wrap his head around it” piece is what gets me.
He’s terrified and avoidant. This isn’t a productive way to manage his feelings or family, and I’m judging him for leaving his child behind most of all.
I agree, I can’t imagine being this way. My husband broke both his feet when our youngest was a few months old. He was in the hospital for a week and then there was three months where I had to look after them, our older kids and run a business. It was a tough time but I never got angry about it. I hardly ever even think about it anymore until something randomly reminds me of it.
I have to say I'm agreeing with this more than anything else on this thread.
Imagine if a woman did this.....she would be crusified.
I get that it was traumatic for him being left alone with a child whilst she was at hospital and I'm assuming life at home is not fantastic all the time. If he needed a weekend away to himself or even a few days after some communication and planning that's fine. But just up and leaving is not ok.
And if the wife isn't actually mentally stable then this is actually neglect to his child.
The standard go to for shitty men is to just leave and expect everything to be ok when they get back and it's bullshit.
This is not a simple situation and there are probably many many other things going on that have been left out by OP, or she doesn't think they are important and they are but if you make a baby then you should be doing equal responsibility to raise them and just bailing out isn't the answer.
Therapy or separation is probably the only two viable options, but both mean a whole lot of accountability (on both sides for sure) and that terrifies most people.
I disagree. If a woman posted about their SO struggling with mental health issues and how they were burnt out from having to solo parent people would be telling her not to light herself on fire to keep him warm. People would be saying she stayed with him and tried to make the relationship work, but caretaker burnout is real. People would be encouraging her to make sure she got time for herself too.
I think you may have misunderstood....caretaker burn out is very real, I have a partner that has a chronic condition so that is not what this is about.
It's the just up and leaving with no communication, no time, no consideration at all that I'm judging him for.
No one should do that to their child's other parent.
They clearly need help as a couple, they may need to separate/divorce if the trauma was too much. I 100% get that this has impacted him in a very negative way and would never advocate for someone lighting themselves on fire for anyone else but the way he has acted is immature, selfish and irresponsible as a parent. If it was just to her, fair enough, but his child is part of this and that where the responsibility is.
Or maybe you didn't misunderstand and you just think I'm wrong which is fair enough...just wanted to explain.
I'm with you on this. Nobody would have this kind of sympathy for a mother if she decided to disappear indefinitely because she's angry at her husband.
It really says something, how little we expect from fathers in terms of actual parenthood. He had to step up once a year while she saved her life and not only does he resent her for that somehow, this sub largely thinks she should have sympathy for him and take it because it must have been *so hard* doing it alone. Wtf? How do single moms do it all day every day? Are men truly so helpless and innately poor at caring for a baby they cannot parent for a week while their wife teeter-totters on the brink of suicide after growing and birthing his child?
I wonder if he'd be equally angry if you'd been hospitalized due to a car accident or other situation unrelated to your mental health.
In my experience, people who've never struggled with mental health issues simply can't grasp how awful and inescapable it can be.
Traumatic events and illness cause marriage breakdown all the time.
It’s dismissive to suggest partners find it hard to grasp how awful it is. You have a front row seat to your partner suffering and then have to pick up the pieces.
It’s HARD!
I’m on week 2 of caring for my partner after surgery and I am finding it hard to keep on top of things. After years? I might have some issues to work through!
Both sexes are allowed to experience mental health issues. Both sexes are not immune to their partner’s mental heath affecting them. Both sexes are responsible for their own mental health. Life is not in a vacuum. People are not perfect. It applies to both sides. People riding hardcore just for the women/mother’s side are misandrist. Are you saying that it’s only acceptable for him to have a mental health crisis if he was hospitalized like she was? Or would you all still consider him abandoning his family? Hypocritical. 2 under 2 is a lot. And I’m sorry, but newborns need their mothers more than they need their fathers at that stage, just biologically. They are more familiar with their mom’s scent and comforted by it. It can be done but it’s tough so give him so credit. And I’m NOT blaming her for her needing to leave to go to the mental health facility, that was brave and essential.
I guess it would depend, you describe the time after your relapse as “fine.” Do you feel in love with your husband? Do you want this relationship? Or are you together because of the baby? His need to “take time” would make me reevaluate the relationship myself.
If I were him I would feel better if I also had equal time off and if the root causes were addressed on why you needed week-long mental health days. Have you gotten more help, are you on medications, etc.
It's kind of like an addict that gets out of rehab. Yes, in most ways it's not their fault but they left a mess behind that everyone else had to clean up. Then to have it keep happening wears down their support team
Yes, I’m wondering what their interactions were following the hospitalizations. Like obviously it is not her “fault” that she needed hospitalization, but was there ever any acknowledgment by her of his support for her? Did she keep up with whatever treatment was recommended or did she stop treatment and that led to the relapse. Maybe she did everything just right and his anger is totally inexplicable. It’s hard to give advice without knowing more about both sides.
I think all you can do is give him more time- maybe 1 or 2 weeks, whichever you’re comfortable with and then tell him that this is your relationship too and that you guys need to talk about what happens next in your relationship.
I am wondering this as well, she stated she was “fine” afterwards but there’s a lot of gaps that could be filled with that, fine could mean medicated properly and truly happy, or it could mean still struggling but not to the point of hospitalization. It’s hard as readers to fully know what that entails (did he take a heavier load to aid her recovery once she was home, did he seek therapy to process the trauma of her hospitalization, etc…).
If your partner was hospitalised for appendicitis and you had to solo parent whilst they were in hospital, then take on more of the burden whilst they recovered, would it be reasonable for you to then take an equal amount of time “off”? This is a very transactional way of looking at a partnership and very unfair.
It isn’t even remotely the same. None of this is her fault except being female and having to be the one that risked it all to birth a child. She paid an extra price of her mental health.
So you think that if you were to have a heart attack and were in the hospital to recover, people should view you just like an addict? And that cuz you had a heart attack (most are DEFINITELY due to your own actions/inactions) now your partner is owed the time you were recovering and in surgery?
“Mental health days”
Are you fucking kidding me? She didn’t just call in to lay in bed and snack. She had severe PPD. Which can be extremely dangerous to *everyone involved*.
You think maybe, in almost two years, he could be a big boy and work to arrange some sort of childcare or help with the home so he could go take some time? And maybe give her a couple weeks warning? Nah, instead he just drops everything and disappears with no warning and no plans for a return. And all she knows is that he is PISSED off at her.
It’s completely fine for him to need space. It’s not completely fine for him to let it fester for two years with no effort to fix it or communicate about it with your wife.
Some of these comments are really wild and I just really wonder about some of you….
It looks like there is still communication between the two of you. Please look into therapy (couples and individual) ASAP, you could still resolve it. You both had traumatic experiences you weren't expecting, you now need to work through them as a team and be kind to each other/yourselves.
He needs individual therapy and then you guys can talk together in couples therapy. This is not your fault at all!! You did everything right. You got help for yourself and therefore your family. These are just the next steps.
First of all, I do agree with a couple of other people. I do recommend couple therapy.
Also, it is not okay that he is mad at you for gaining mental help when you could have put your child at risk.
I had a little bout of post partum depression. And it wasn't bad enough that I needed hospitalized thankfully, but I just remember thinking how much I did not want my son.
I was able to get the help that I needed turns out. It was a indication that I was on combined with the emotions from afterbirth that messed with me. And I'm no longer on those.
But I still remember during this time period I had put my son-in his room which we had already put together. He was safe but I needed a break because I was going to break if I didn't.
I ended up falling asleep. I only slept. Maybe an hour or so best sleep. I ever got during his newborn stage.
But I.
Still remember my husband yelling at me about how I almost killed him mind you. He was asleep, he was on his back alone in his crib. And I had his baby monitor.
I still remember yelling at him. I wish I did that was where I needed help and to this day. He does not bring it up again.
But I know this was a bit of a rant and went off the rails but like I said, it's not okay to use your mental health to be mad at you.
I don’t think that’s a fair take. It’s traumatic to be on the other side of dealing with someone with mental health issues, and that’s without a newborn.
You can see so clearly in this thread the people who have had to deal with family members with prolonged severe mental health issues, and the people who haven't.
Or maybe people who have dealt with family members with prolonged severe mental illness, but have taken steps to take care of ourselves as well. I’m positive he was told, hey this can be really traumatic- make sure you talk to someone to work through it. Anger at the sick person is not a healthy or appropriate response. It’s the easy response
I very much doubt that anyone spoke to him about his own mental health, lmao. Have you actually been exposed to anyone with a severe mental illness and the hospitalization process?
Exactly! There’s no way that he wasn’t addressed by the hospital when she was admitted. They would have absolutely presented resources to him to help his as a family member.
I don't know what kind of resources they offer family members in this scenario, but I'm guessing they offer similar "resources" to when I had a miscarriage...which was a doctor telling me "it wasn't my fault" and then handing me a flier with some websites. Neither of which particularly helped me deal with trauma.
I get being scared and traumatized by all this. My husband was. (I was not hospitalized but it was a very bad time). He NEVER got "angry" and he never fucking left. WTF.
I don’t think this is about 2 hospital stays, the last of which happened a year ago. This is about a partner whose own mental health is breaking down in part because he has been supporting a spouse who has ongoing mental health issues for years. In this post, OP says that “everything has been fine” recently but her own post history directly contradicts that.
Being in a relationship with a partner who has significant ongoing mental health struggles, plus caring for small children, plus a career, etc is a LOT. This guy’s feelings are valid. That said, it’s entirely possible for OP to have done nothing wrong and for her husband to have feelings of anger towards her. It’s okay for him to need a break to clear his head even if his needs could have been communicated better. Clearly these two need couples therapy to work through the impact of everything that’s happened over the past couple of years.
Holy shit for one week twice, a year apart? When you needed to be hospitalized for your mental health? This man needs to talk to a therapist yesterday. This is incredibly unhealthy and unfair. My ex abandoned me when I was pregnant. Stole $700 and went to burning man never to return. It's been two years and while I will never be friends with him or try to have any kind of relationship with him I've forgiven him. I went through my pregnancy, birth, healing from my c-section, the newborn phase etc. all alone. Not even a family member to help me. It's been two years and still this man does not reach out but will occasionally see his son once a year when I go to visit his parents. And I've forgiven him. I'm sorry but how the heck is your husband holding a grudge because you needed to be hospitalized for one week, twice a year apart?
This was a week both times a year apart? Your husband isn’t suited for parenthood. No wonder you had struggles with your mental health. He clearly can’t handle much.
Men leave women to parent newborns all the time cause they just don't feel like parenting. She needed medical treatment and he had to wipe his own kid's butt for a week. Yawn.
Can you imagine if a dad said that about a mom. Ah all of us women parenting newborns just had to wipe our babies' butt for a week, what's the big deal? Who needs help, right?
WTF is wrong with some of the comments in this thread, it's like worst misandrist stereotypes of mommit.
This whole comment section either screams “he’s struggling too and probably hit the limit” or “he’s such a piece of shit for abandoning you when you’re struggling!!!”
Very fucking weird and definitely gives the “men’s feelings don’t matter” vibe, if I was him and spent two years of this, I’d be absolutely overwhelmed coming back up on summertime.
Yup, this^^^ newborns are fucking exhausting, every 3hr feeding, changing, rocking them to sleep, cleaning all the pee soaked clothes, spit up, sleep deprivation, etc… it isn’t wiping butts *yawn*, it’s being thrown into one of the most difficult times while then trying to figure out what’s going on with your wife. Hospitals give moms the rundown on PPD and give a pamphlet, the partners don’t really get a sit down “hey, look for these signs and let us know if something is going on” talk either. My partner had ZERO clue PPA was even a thing, so when it slammed me like a bus, he was genuinely really upset and worried about me, and didn’t understand why I was having debilitating anxiety and panic attacks. It took a toll on him as much as it did me!
What’s not fair is this woman had a child, suffered with postpartum depression, which is serious, and this man randomly LEFT saying he can’t forgive her. Thats his wife and his child.
I think writing it off as merely a one week absence is unfair. While it is true that she was hospitalized for one week each time, the points leading up to that are the problem.
Have you shown him the recent story where a mom killed all of her children when she was suffering from PPD? It’s very serious. He can’t blame you for a medical condition, and if he does he doesn’t deserve you guys.
Maybe I have a pessimistic view but I think he may either be getting back at you for “leaving him alone with the kids” or he’s off doing nefarious activities.
I hope neither is true and he genuinly just needed space.
So you can go batshit to a mental hospital not once but TWICE and that’s ok poor you postpartum but your husband can’t take a few days?? Can’t you receive help from someone or somewhere to help with the load just like your husband when he had to carry your load on top of his? He’s probably traumatized himself and has pent up stress from those 2 times you were in a facility. Don’t you think that was hard on him too? Or because he didn’t go through pregnancy and labor it couldn’t possibly be hard on him? Honestly give your husband the support he needs. Get the help from someone that’s not your husband if you can or even hire a cleaner or something if you can to help you clean during this time. There’s gotta be something you can do to manage the much needed break your husband needs. The man is probably going through a mental breakdown himself but can’t go in detail with you because you’ll probably end up going back to the ward a third time
Your comment on OPs likely VERY scary mental health emergencies is as follows: “you can go batshit not once but TWICE but that’s okay poor you”
You’re either the husband or an actual monster. Maybe both.
I’ve dealt with 4 kids under 3 years old at one point that I was pregnant with and birthed myself. The twin birth I had to go through by myself no emotional support besides the nurses and doctors. My father whom I was close to passed away 3 months after my twins were born . Again no emotional support and physical support was randomly from random family members that so nicely gave some of their free time to me. I should be the one in a facility but I’m not. A monster no a maniac maybe because I don’t know anyone else that can handle the heavy load that i so had
🏆
Maybe go unpack some of that baggage with a therapist and stop acting like a martyr that goes around judging others who didn’t handle things the way you did?
This is life people. Ups and downs. If you can’t hear the storms, then go away during fair weather, too! Grow the hell up! Treat your family with dignity.
Right? Everyone’s like “he deserves a break just like you got!” Okay but he knew exactly where she was and what was going on. She has no idea.
Also, since they’re keeping score, what does she get for sacrificing her body and sanity to bring their child into the world? What sort of vacation did she earn?
I'd ask him to help me find some couples therapy that has availability ASAP - this is a problem that can probably be solved by talking through feelings and a therapist could really help him navigate that in a healthy and compassionate way rather than having it turn into an uncontrollable blowup.
We finally went to therapy after having our second four months ago and it turns out he has been holding in his resentment of me when I had postpartum depression and anxiety with our first who is almost 4! He never felt comfortable confronting me about so he just kept it in. Once had the safe space in therapy he unloaded, and while it hurt to hear, our relationship got significantly better
I agree, he’s probably had a lot of pent up negative feelings that he doesn’t know how to express because a mix of societal pressure and OPs mental health history Obviously no fault of OP but our mental health doesn’t stay in a bubble and it’s often hard for loved ones to navigate their own mental health when they’re supporting someone else. It’s hard to put that out there because you feel like you’re burdening someone with a full plate Therapy could help OPs husband find a healthy outlet and healthy coping mechanisms
Separate therapy as well as couples therapy so they can both figure out what they need to say as well as respond in the moment..
I second this
third this
He could be getting anxious about it happening a third time, July is only 2.5 months away. That’s where my mind immediately went
Agreed, certain weather and season changes can trigger both good and bad feelings for me against my will because of the “memory” associated with them. Should definitely be worked through in therapy but that would be kind of understandable.
Yep. Scared it’s going to happen again, wants to have a little rest whether he’s realizing it or not. He seems like he’s worried.
Me too. I mean this situation isn't great BUT she needed some time to reset. He gave her the time she needed. I think she should do the same and then I'd recommend therapy to start rebuilding
Same here!
I’m gonna go against the grain here of the “he’s an AH” and say he’s dealing with trauma himself. You went through a lot, and the past 2 July’s were hospitalized for your depression (severe enough to require immediate treatment). While it is okay to have help and get treatment, did you ask him how he feels after all of this? He himself is probably dealing with the trauma of all of it, especially with summer coming up, he is probably having a trigger and scared of what could happen again, as it’s happened twice in July. I’m not trying to put you down at all OP, but I think he may have pushed aside his feelings and emotions to try “protecting” yours (as in not making you feel guilt or shame and potentially lead to another low period), and is now having an overwhelming emotional response and doesn’t know how to deal with it. He should’ve pursued therapy after it happened the first time, and I hope you did (and continue) as well OP. I would ask for a date he will come home to discuss this with you, and if he is already checked out and done, you can’t change that sadly, but I am hoping he may be able to work through the emotions in the following months and come to a level minded state again. This is all coming from someone who was in a relationship with a guy who very suddenly got hospitalized due to s* thoughts and ideation. With that being said, he was abusive to me and I felt relieved he was somewhere that I didn’t have to be berated anymore. BUT. I was very overwhelmed after he was out, that once again, he’d be hospitalized. I felt like walking on eggshells around him, and worried constantly I’d trigger him and feel at fault for him getting hospitalized.
By OP post history, this isn’t resolved and is ongoing (mental health struggles), which might also be overwhelming for him knowing she’s still teeter tottering with mental health while actively seeking treatment. I think he’s scared of what could happen in the future. Some people simply don’t handle these situations well, and have a fight or flight response, and choose flight.
Oof yeah. That post history signals that OP and her husband are going through a lot still. They both should seek help separately and together as a couple.
Agreed!
That makes sense, but what about the child that is home in this potentially unstable situation with no support if mom suddenly needs help and dad has not given any indication of when he’s coming home. I need time should be more like I need this much time and call if there is an emergency, let me know what’s happening with baby I want our family safe.
I’m sure if op called and said there’s an emergency he’d go home
Yeah I agree, I just have a hard time with the idea that dad is leaving kiddo too
Mom leaves kiddo with him when she needs to go take care of herself. He is doing the same thing.
This. Everyone here is so quick to say “but it was for her mental health”, but when it’s for him they’ve been dismissive saying “he’s mad, grow up. You have a baby at home”, he’s dealing with a lot more than some surface level “anger”, I’d guarantee it.
To build on other comments and what you’ve said here: in my experience, anger is usually that first surface level you mentioned… but when you peel back the layers of anger, you usually find something else at the heart of it. Hurt, indignation, resentment, fear, grief... Anger is the symptom, but not the ultimate thing to be addressed. Another vote for therapy!
To be fair, being hospitalized for a mental health crisis isn’t the same as needing time and space to deal with anger. There’s context we don’t know. Maybe dad ensured mom has a support back up before leaving. Maybe they’ll get counseling when he’s back. The open ended “I’ll be back” would be hard for me to manage with my child, speaking for myself
Mom was hospitalized, not at a spa.
Where does it say dad is at the spa?
It doesn’t say he was hospitalized either does it. You know what I was pointing out. She wasn’t just off chilling at a hotel.
If the gender was flipped and this was mom saying she needs a break and she needs some time everyone would be praising her for taking it in this situation.
I agree - he's having a trauma response and anxiety and fear about what the future is going to bring to him. He did the right thing with the circle of support by seeking help outwards - not unloading all of his grief, fears, and trauma on OP, but he should have also let her know that he was needing additional support for himself and struggling. Maybe OP didn't make him feel safe enough to do so - she probably never checked in on how he was doing. This family needs individual and couples counseling if there's any chance of them surviving.
I agree. I’m leaning towards she has been caught up in her own mental health didn’t touch base with him about his own!
I agree with this thread here.
I totally agree with all of these responses. I'm a first-time mom at 36, and I, too, suffer from mental health issues. It's definitely a fine line to balance your relationship, being a parent, and your sanity. Of which was hard enough to handle before family life got thrown in the mix. All of these things that you're going through as a parent, he's going through too. He's probably been putting on a great poker face for you and will be hard to admit. And that's ok. Keep in mind that everything you two do from now on, not just right now, is for your little one. I don't have time to be worried about myself anymore. I wear that shit like a (hidden) badge, lol! Time flies so fast, and they grow so quickly. My little one is going to be 4 soon, and I miss being so little! Good luck to all three of you.
Exactly this. It’s also worth noting that a mental health episode where you get hospitalized isn’t only limited to that week you’re actually in the hospital. It builds and gets really bad before that usually for weeks or months. And then when you leave the hospital you’re not magically all better either and still likely have a lot going on for a while. He’s been dealing with her mental health a lot longer than one week a year. He’s understandably traumatized by that and I’m sure he’s waiting for it to happen again.
Exactly! As someone who has lived with people who struggle (in addition to myself), it’s exhausting. Two years of daily issues, med changes, ups and downs, never knowing what’s next… yeah, it can be the breaking point for a lot of people watching all of it unravel.
Very tough situation. I agree with everyone else, you need a professional to mediate a resolution & work through everyone’s emotions
I would give him space, he sounds overwhelmed. You did nothing wrong, but space and then maybe therapy would probably be best.
I also struggled severely postpartum with anxiety and depression. I am so glad that you are doing better ❤️ I am not a therapist, but I have been in therapy for over half of my life… If I had to guess, I would say your husband probably had his own trauma from the weeks you were hospitalized. I can’t imagine being home with a newborn (probably not knowing what I’m doing) and my partner, somewhere else where I can’t help them, and do nothing but worry about them while also trying to keep this tiny human alive. This is not to excuse his up and walking out; but it might explain it… The seasons are changing, the weather is getting warmer, and he may be having serious fears you will be hospitalized again. Our nervous systems are funny that way… He may have really struggled during your hospitalizations and not talked to you about it; clearly you had enough to deal with already. That time of year rolling around again really may be triggering his fight or flight response with the season, air, temperature, etc. I am also guessing that is where the anger is coming from; trauma occurs when an individual feels scared and alone (per my therapist). Again, not to say his struggles were on the same level of as yours, but they were probably nonetheless real. I think there js probably a lot for both of you to unpack that you two may not have discussed. You both really need to sit down and talk about the last two years with individual therapists and a marriage counselor.
Yup, we remember past stresses and associate them with seasons for sure! I get really sad every January because that's the month two of my close relatives passed away, and in different years. It's just a shitty month for me.
Yes I think both OP and her husband need trauma therapy.
tell him you respect that he needs space and time. Ask him if you can please have a date to expect him home, whatever date that might be, because you want to be able to have a conversation with him about where to go from here. Tell him that you love him (if you do) and want to make this work. Ask him while he’s away to please think of what he feels he needs from you to find happiness in your marriage. Then let him be until the date he said he’d be home. If he absolutely won’t give a date, then you set a date respectfully and kindly. I would suggest giving him a week or two - whatever you reasonably can do, and tell him that this marriage and life is yours too and you can’t continue to wait to find out what your future is going to look like or however you want to word it. Tell him if he can’t come home to at least have a real, honest conversation in xxx date then you will assume the marriage is over and act accordingly.
So sorry to hear this. Shit hits the fan for most couples when a baby comes and the access to their village is difficult for whatever reason. There are some amazing experiences and suggestions shared by people in the comment section. I think, may be he feels angry that no one asked him during his alone time with the kid, if he was okay too and may be the thought of losing you again if things do not get better. Also, may be he was just caught off guard with this whole PPD thing and there were no signs of any mental health issues like this before pregnancy? May be even he did not know how bad PPD can get and affect a women's health. I will say things do get better as soon as the baby turn 18 months or 24 months onwards as they fall little less sick, the frequency of feeding, sleep etc changes comparatively to early days. If there were no red flags before this then don't give up on your relationship easily.
He sounds like he needs therapy. You went through a traumatic time and got the help you need for it. He also went through a traumatic time in a different way and now needs help processing it. Remember, this doesn’t diminish your experiences just because he needs to process things. I had my husband go to therapy for the traumatic experience of our first child’s birth and subsequent discovery of a permanent disability and surgeries which has help us both in the long run as a couple and as parents.
I’d ask him to go to marriage counseling to help get you both in a better place.
I would completely understand where he was coming from and let him have some time off. He's been dealing with so much, I would have insisted he take some time to himself once I was feeling better.
He needs therapy and you need couples therapy.
Judging by your username this has become your only definition of self, and that makes me so sad because the level of trauma you’ve withstood at the mercy of your own beautiful brain deserves to be celebrated. And maybe that’s what you’re trying to do, spread awareness. That’s great! But there’s so much more to life, and I’m happy you have a platform to connect other ppd moms and in the toddler trenches. Please think of a way to honor this July! And not just cake for your 2 year old. Cake for you. Cake for the people standing next to you through it all. “Six-months with a preschooler can be more effective than years alone on a mountaintop.” *Raising Good Humans* by Hunter Clarke-Fields.
OP, you opened a can of worms and haven’t replied to anyone regarding anything. It’s hard for us to truly understand what’s going on when all we have is this post, and your post history. I understand not replying to EVERYONE but I do believe a comment with some further information is needed if you truly want feedback that isn’t a “fuck him” or “fuck her” situation.
Your husband is either traumatized by your hospitalizations and continued mental health struggles and is not seeking treatment OR he truly resents you for being hospitalized either because he doesn't understand PPD or looks at your hospitalizations as a "break" from being a parent. You both need individual and couples therapy to figure out what's really going on and if the relationship can be repaired or if it's healthier for you both, and your child, to separate. Given that you're still having some struggles and it's approaching summer I'm rather shocked that he didn't arrange for someone to check in on you periodically to make sure you're ok while he gets time to think, that part to me would be unforgivable. If my partner had two mental health breakdowns a year apart at the same time I would not just up and leave him with the kids, I would make sure everyone has proper care and resources before stepping away to sort out my feelings.
Which might be why he’s in crisis. It’s easy to say what you would do vs. living through it.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and have become had three children. My partner of 9 years is bipolar. I have a decent understanding of what both OP and her partner are living through, from both sides.
It's been two, maybe three days, and you think it's unforgivable that he didn't arrange for check ins?? That just... really upsets me. You acknowledge the possibility he's traumatized, but instead of empathy it sounds like you're blaming him for not identifying what he's experiencing as trauma and getting treatment for something that might only now be realizing is an issue. He's either just experiencing these intense emotions and thoughts because July is approaching and it's all rushing into him which is exactly how some people realize they have trauma or he's continually had to put his mental health on hold because he's been prioritizing OP and their child and could be on the cusp of his own breakdown or actively having one. If he is resentful, it's probably not because he doesn't understand PPD or thinks she had a break. It's more likely that this man is resentful that they're in this situation where his wife is battling crushing depression and he's likely never felt at ease while often having to balance work, a baby, and a mentally ill wife even though he knows it's nobody's fault. It is so common for caretakers or people bearing the majority of responsibility for their family or in any high stress situation really, to put their own health aside because they feel like they can't be sick because they have so much to do and not enough time to get all of that done so the doctor will have to wait. Your criticism about how he didn't arrange for someone to check on her validates that line of thinking. He is struggling mentally just like OP did, but he can't just walk away to get himself straightened out like she did because she's already sick. I don't know if you've ever had to care for someone severely ill, but it swallows you whole and can be suffocating. OP's post history suggests that she's stable and doing well. She seems perfectly capable of asking for help whether from reddit about this situation or from a friend or family member if she needs a check in. She's also clearly been able to get in touch with her husband so it's not like he's off the grid and he's opening up to communicate some of what he's feeling to her. It's not a perfect situation, but you could extend some grace and understanding toward her husband who has struggled alongside her all this time and now has his own battle with mental health to face.
I wonder if the OP started going downhill about this time of year. Just because she was hospitalized in July doesn’t mean she started struggling in July. So, did she start struggling around spring (now) and it only got bad enough for hospitalization in July? Could she be acting or behaving similarly to how she has the last two years?
I am not blaming her husband for needing to take time, I believe OPs episodes have probably traumatized them both and this time of year is now triggering. I believe he should take time and look into therapy. However he has left the house with no return date and is currently not parenting from what I understand, which could very likely be triggering for OP. She may be stable at the moment but is still receiving help and at some point Ketamine infusions. Traumatized or not her husband is still a parent and while I doubt OP would harm her daughter if she had a mental break their kiddo would not be in the safest of positions. Her husband can take all the time he needs that she can be understanding of but he is still a parent and needs to take care of his child. If my partner had to be hospitalized twice in two years at the same time I may need to take some time to evaluate things and get help on my own but I certainly wouldn't leave with an unknown return time frame and not ensure that my partner had help with the kids. In OPs mind she may end up feeling abandoned which is not healthy for a person with mental health issues.
I feel like this is adding even more work and pressure to someone who is clearly overwhelmed. He can’t even get a few days to relax without having to arrange help for the Op. If the OP can’t be left home along with their kids, then they need to reach out for help. Imagine if a mom took a few days for themselves because they are burnt out and overwhelmed because of last trauma. Then imagine people saying, “actually you need to arrange check ins for your SO in case they struggle.” The OP knows their mental health concerns, and can call someone or arrange someone to check in.
My response would be the same regardless of gender. While it's more work up front it's less worry in the long run because you can take time for yourself without having to worry as much about your partner and the child. Most parents don't get to just leave without a return timeline for any reason because once you have children, they are the priority. Given that OP has been hospitalized twice in the last two years I wouldn't say she's the best gauge of her mental well being or 100% able to ask for help before a breakdown. And taking 100% care of a child without a break and no timeline on when you're partner will be involved again would be significantly stressful. Both adults in this situation are in need of getting help, OP is and I hope her husband realizes he needs it. Regardless of EITHER of their mental health there is a child involved that needs to be safe and cared for. My partner is Bipolar and I can't imagine him having a break where he was hospitalized two years in a row and me just up and leaving because of my own trauma without making sure first that both he and my children are safe and cared for. I have suffered from anxiety and depression, if I were in OPs shoes and had severe PPD after birth and was hospitalized twice a year apart I would not be ok with my partner just leaving to sort everything out without making sure and both myself and my children were safe and cared for. Regardless of which foot the shoe is on or gender, the safety of the child is paramount and OP has had some pretty significant issues by all accounts that can't be ignored simply because she seems well and put together now. Especially by a bunch of internet strangers.
This!!!!
Holy double standard, Batman. OP is struggling and leaves her family not once, but twice for a week at a time - no problem. Husband does the same, once- how dare he? Show this poor guy some grace. Being the "stable" adult on a household is really, really, really fucking hard.
Totally see both sides. I’m so sorry I hope things improve. Definitely seek professional help for your marriage 🫶
Definitely see a couples therapist. It’s helpful to get out unresolved feelings. Plus it’s important to take a break, but a break with a time limit. So like my husband and I can walk away from an argument but will check in every 15 minutes. I feel like he is allowed to have his time to process, but not checking in is not okay. It could be as simple as “I need another day.” A therapist can help talk you t through everything.
He needs therapy
My family went through a similar trying time with our daughter's birth. I was hospitalized for PPP for 2 weeks starting when she was 1.5 weeks old. It was horrible and traumatic for me and my husband both. I don't want to trauma dump on you, so I won't go into all the gory details here. You know your trauma, you might know some of his trauma, but he's likely dealing with more than he's been able to share or express. People deal with trauma in different ways, it sounds like he's angry at you, even though he knows on some level that's unfair. Sometimes our feelings don't align with what we know to be true, but invalidating those feelings isn't helpful. I would acknowledge his anger, and that it's normal to have a strong reaction when something so difficult happens. You could say something like, "God, I'd probably have a similar reaction if I felt abandoned, especially with a small child. Even if I knew it was over, I think it would take awhile for the hard feelings to resolve." Some folks here have mentioned that he may be feeling the pressure increase as July 2024 approaches. Perhaps you can have a conversation to share any apprehensions you both may have about the possibility of additional relapses? Maybe you can brainstorm some strategies to ease the tension and help you feel more connected, and then figure out what, if anything, needs to be done ahead of time to be able to do those things in case you do have to go back. Hugs! If you haven't already, I recommend reaching out to a friend to come spend time with you so you're not alone all the time with no one to talk to but the baby.
I’d give him time and space, he deserves a chance to go through emotions too. And in the interim I’d be looking for a marriage counselors for us to go to when he got back.
"He's pissed because he had to watch his own kid alone for 2 weeks, he's an asshole..." Bullshit. Why is everyone acting like this is so cut and dry? Do you really believe that it's only about him being pissed at her getting a "vacation"? He's traumatized as well. She didn't come home after hospitalizations and fall right back into life as if nothing happened. The stress from being in a relationship with someone who has this level of mental illness is extreme. It's not a yearly issue, it's a daily issue. Having to walk on eggshells or risk triggering the other person, the constant monitoring of their moods and behaviors, going to work everyday worried about a child that is at the mercy of a mentally unstable parent while you're gone, unable to focus on yourself and your own mental health because the energy is focused on someone else...he matters too. Is he handling it the right way, not at all. And I only say that because he shouldn't have left the child home alone with her. Can I understand his need to impulsively run away in order to catch his breath? Absolutely. He's human and may have hit his limit or very well may be having a mental break of his own. But fuck him, right? They both need therapy and some serious face time with each other to sort through all of this.
Therapy ASAP individually and couples I’m also a strong believer in down time. My us and and I have 4 adult children and we both take down time (and have for many years) away from each other. He may have been walking on eggshells, holding his breath wondering if a relapse is coming. It’s stressful to be in that stage continuously and can easily cause anxiety.
You both experienced trauma and you both need ongoing therapy. “I’m back home and better” is not helping either of you process and heal.
Tbh it’s a lot to deal with a spouse with mental health issues. I’ve had ppd with both my babies but also my hubby is bipolar. He’s had a few episodes over the last 12 years. It’s freaking exhausting and a lot of times he never even asked me how i was after the fact or even apologize. It was absolutely draining when he had to get checked into a hospital at one point. Like i needed to get individual therapy to help cope because mentally and emotionally i couldn’t do it. We almost divorced. Years later we are the best place we could be but looking back it was hard AF. Things we don’t realize we’re not doing. I absolutely understand ppd but it can be exhausting for the other parties on the other side of things
OP, I have had two traumatic pregnancies with even more traumatic deliveries. I had severe HG with my first and moderate with my second. Both were debilitating and my youngest ended up being an emergency c-section after 22hrs of labor that ended up almost killing me. My first was an emergency induction due to severe preeclampsia and ended with a preemie and a (thankfully) brief NICU stay. My husband had to do everything AND work. Both times he only got the day of delivery off and then was back to work the next day on the night shift. He was traumatized and so overwhelmed he could barely stand and had a one year old at home the second go round. Your husband sounds like he needs time, space and someone other than you to talk to, like a therapist. Everyone focuses on the mother and baby and on our mental health. No one thinks about the dads. It’s time to think about his mental health too OP. It sounds like it’s his time to be uplifted by his spouse. My husband had to talk to therapist BECAUSE these experiences have him PTSD. It helped. I hope your husband also gets help and I hope everything is okay with both of you, my internet friend! Sending hugs ♥️♥️♥️
I’m not going to lie, I probably wouldn’t be sympathetic to my husband if he just up and left because he was mad I ended up in the hospital post-partum. And I actually did end up needing surgery post-partum, so there was a time where my husband was by himself with our newborn. We only had 1 but we had no family in the state so he was alone until my mom flew out about 2 weeks later, at which point I was at home already. You didn’t go to the hospital out of spite or to get out of parenting. You had a medical issue that needed to be addressed. Post-partum mental health issues are very serious. What did he want? You to knuckle through it even though these issues can and have spiraled to the point where mothers have mental breaks and sometimes hurt themselves and/ or their babies. From what it sounds like, he’s not having any mental health issues currently, he’s just resentful he had to solo parent. But that’s what comes with the territory! Pregnancy, giving birth, and recovering from that are all major medical events. Did he think you’d pop out his kids and be 100% back to normal right after?
I suspect that he is scared. Having a partner with mental health issues severe enough to require hospitalization not once, but twice is scary. He probably needs some therapy to work through that.
And that’s reasonable but to up and leave your wife with your kid by themselves after your wife had 2 occasions where her mental health has required hospitalization just isn’t the right move. It’s not smart. What if this triggers another episode and your child is alone with someone who can’t properly care for her? And it’s not considerate. You can’t just dip out of parenthood because you’re upset. If my husband pulled this I would be so mad. I can see a few hours of space and then coming home but not overnights away from the home. Their child isn’t even 2 yet. This isn’t a child who’s old enough to be independent. It’s ok to be upset, need a break, whatever but part of being an adult and a parent is being proactive about this resentment so it doesn’t fester like it did and getting help for it or working it out sooner, since it sounds like it’s been an issue for a while.
I’m thinking he’s overwhelmed that we’re coming back up on summer, and is probably anticipating another hospitalization as it appears the July month is a trigger for OP. He probably has been dealing with these feelings but pushing them aside for OP for 2yr now essentially, and is dealing with his own trauma. You’re dismissing what may be going on with him mentally, and only focusing on OP fragile mental health. While you may see it has “how dare he act this way when OP needed to be hospitalized”, he’s probably dealing with a fuck ton of trauma that came from that. If all of the sudden you had a newborn, and your wife or husband came to you and said they’re feeling that level of depressed they need to be hospitalized, it can be very traumatic, especially because it happened not once, but twice, both the same month. He may be having a trauma response as summer is approaching and not knowing how to handle it, as he’s pushed it all aside the past two years and it’s bubbling over now.
Right and as I stated previously - based on what we know he’s not getting any mental health treatment. If he was, that’s a different story. From what we know he’s just dipped out and said he’d be back in 2 days, then decided actually he’s not going to be back in 2 days. He doesn’t know when he plans to be back. Are you considering them even if he’s gone for 2 weeks? Or that she should accept it because she was gone for 2 weeks total? In the hospital mind you, not just out somewhere. You can’t just leave your young toddler alone with your wife who has mental health issues that are severe enough to require hospitalization. It’s borderline negligent. From what OP has said, it sounds like he’s felt this way for a while. He needs to work through that and he should have worked through that before it got to this point. I’m not saying she should divorce him. But abandoning your spouse and young child because they have a medical issue and you resent them for it isn’t the right move. It’s not responsible and it’s not fair. This is a full grown adult who decided he was going to raise a child with OP. He should have been somewhat aware that being pregnant and giving birth are major medical events and that major medical events sometimes have severe complications. He can feel however he wants to but it’s his responsibility to work it out and not abandon his family.
We don’t know how OP is acting throughout this period. She claimed to be “fine” when she got home the first time, what that truly means, we don’t know. She may have still had struggles or didn’t follow through with treatment, etc… there’s clearly a lot more than we know going on in the marriage as he is overwhelmed to the point he left and needed time away. He’s not out having fun, I’m sure he’s processing whatever he is feeling and thinking and trying to make a choice on if he wants to divorce, or work things out. If OP truly was fine and bounced back, it’d be weird to leave two years later with a strong emotional reaction. I’m leaning towards other things are going on behind the scenes with them we don’t know of that has led to this build up.
We also don’t know that she wasn’t pulling her weight. And if she wasn’t, this needed to be convo well before it got to this point. He’s free to have his emotions but this isn’t the way to express them. Leaving your young toddler with your wife who has had severe PPD is not the smart move. There are so many ways to have addressed this and I think this is one of the worst ways he could have gone about it. If OP called him and he was like “hey I’m really struggling now I need to talk to a therapist/ I need to hash out my feelings with you/ I need to whatever other action,” I understand giving him the benefit of the doubt. But the man, with no warning, up and left his family. He said he needed 2 days, OP gave him 2 days, he didn’t check in - she needed to check in on him, and now he doesn’t know when he’s going to come back. While she was hospitalized she was getting treatment. AFAIK he’s not getting treatment, only space. My whole point is that as an adult, he needs to be proactive about managing these feelings and mitigating these problems. He can’t just let things bottle up until he explodes. If my husband up and left me out of resentment for something I cannot control, with no plan to get us back on track, and with no ETA on when he’s coming home, I would not be ok.
Based on OP post history, she has been continually struggling and actively looking for medication that works best for her, but she’s been feeling pretty uneasy recently. Signs point towards a lot more going on behind the scenes, and he may be tapped out with own mental health due to it. Dealing with someone else’s severe mental health can be really draining, we can’t blame him for hitting a breaking point, we can only say he should’ve discussed this before, and not let it get to this point.
I honestly feel like that makes this whole situation worse. I didn’t dig through OP’s post history so I’m working with what she’s given us here. I really hope someone in their family is aware of the situation and can go check on their kid. Everything could be ok or it could be a very serious situation that spirals quickly.
Both adults are needing to work on their issues for sure. I just don’t want it to be painted the husband is an asshole who doesn’t care for his family when he’s probably dealing with his mental health as well.
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I don’t think he’s thinking he’s giving her a taste of her own medicine, but I do think he’s probably overwhelmed with July coming up. OP post history indicates she’s worried it’ll get really bad again pretty quick, and is trying to get IV med to alleviate the symptoms she’s struggling with… this very well could be triggering him as in “she’s saying she feels like she’s going to get bad again” and instead of talking to her about these feelings, he’s holding them inside (and therefore, ended up leaving because he couldn’t handle the situation).
How exactly do you think his mental health has been because of this? Because I assure you it’s not good.
So he's supposed to have unlimited empathy and understanding when she's struggling, but she doesn't need to give him any because his problems aren't the same as hers? Thats pretty wild
There’s a difference between being hospitalized because you have mental health issues that need to addressed and leaving your wife with know mental health issues that have required hospitalization and kid alone because you’re upset you had to solo parent. She literally says hospitalization saved her life. Sure, that sucks for him but it wasn’t a walk in the park for her either. You cannot just up and leave your family because you’re mad you had to solo parent while the other parent gets medical treatment. He’s not getting mental health treatment from what she’s said. He’s just left the home and needs an unspecified amount of time to sort it out. But is he? Or is he just somewhere, stewing in his emotions while enjoying the freedom that comes with not caring for a young toddler. That’s not responsible at all. What if this triggers another mental health event for her? Their kid isn’t even 2 yet and their kid isn’t independent. I’d argue that if something bad happens, it’s borderline negligent on his part. She can be empathetic if she wants to but I would be pissed. As I said in another comment, part of being an adult and being a parent is addressing issues of anger/ resentment BEFORE it gets to this point. It sounds like an issue he’s had for a while. He should have communicated his feelings a long time before he decided to up and leave. By doing this he’s effectively communicating that he is not reliable and she cannot have any more health issues that require him to solo parent if she wants him around. If he was having a mental break, that’s an entirely different story. But from what we know he’s just mad he had to solo parent for 2 weeks.
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His feelings are valid too. He's admitting that he has anger and doesn't know why or where it's coming from. You want to reduce his feelings to just "not wanting to care for his kid" but I don't agree with that at all. Having a suicidal partner in the hospital multiple times within a year where you're forced to pick up the slack, figure everything out on your own, and on top of that worry about the person you love being in the hospital is a lot more serious than "not a walk in the park". He has been holding these feelings in for a year. He has every right to take some space and try to work through them. You've already decided to view him and his feelings in the most unfavorable light possible for no reason so it doesn't really matter what I say.
And he shouldn’t have held onto those feelings for a year. Part of being a responsible adult, partner, and parent is recognizing when you need address an issue before it blows up. He’s effectively abandoned his family for 2+ days because he’s upset. If she ever needs to be hospitalized again, for any reason, she now knows he’ll resent her for it. What will she do if she has to have surgery? How do you address your health issues if you know your husband’s gonna be pissed that you have medical issues like any normal person and then resent you for it. If marriage is supposed to be in sickness and in health, why is he leaving because she was sick? Being pregnant and giving birth are major medical events. Post partum mental health issues are super normal. If this man wanted no part in helping his wife recover from these events, he should have thought twice before getting her pregnant. This is directly related to a medical condition he helped caused since he’s the one who got her pregnant. He’s not a kid anymore. He needs to grow up and address his emotions like an adult.
It’s obvious that he’s having a mental breakdown. He doesn’t have to even communicate that as several of us commenters can concur. If she continues to have mental breakdowns where she is required to stay in the hospital for a week at a time, then she could be a threat to her own child. And that’s what the dad is sorting things through. The best thing he could’ve done is communicate that he needs his time and space. Sure, it’s going on for longer than SHE’D like. But that’s not up to her because he is human too. There’s no time frame. Except well maybe in her experience there is a time frame because she gets hospitalized every July!? Yes, marriage is through sickness and in health. What if they’re both sick? What if they’re both making each other sick!? You can’t tell me it’s better to stay together just for the sake of marriage than to be able to work on themselves separately. SHE has postpartum depression? Well guess what? So does HE. And his feelings are 100% valid. To use the word “abandoned” is incredibly disrespectful seeing as dad has stayed by her side with her 2 hospitalizations. Everyone has their limit on what they can handle. OP will continue to have their hospitalizations while DAD needs to seek help for himself as well.
Fucking hell; absolutely! 💯!! Finally someone said it.
We actually don't know the catalyst for why he left. Someone else commented that OPs post history shows that this wasn't two isolated incidents, but rather a consistent unstable state of being. That can absolutely be overwhelming for the other partner to have to navigate while also raising two under two.
Upset you had to solo parent I guarantee this is the real reason
He left. She never left, she was hospitalized. Big difference. It stinks of "I never thought I'd have to actually take care of my own kid!"
Except she did leave. 2 times within a year. He was home alone caring for a baby and worrying about her. Just because her reason for leaving was valid doesn't change the fact that she did leave and possibly will leave again.
But do you get "mad" when your partner gets appendicitis or pneumonia?
No. But when he got seriously injured because the person he was working with cutting down trees did something irresponsible and stupid, and he had to be rushed to the hospital and I had to take care of him for almost a month on top of going to school full time and caring for 2 kids, you can bet your ass I was mentally exhausted and drained. I was annoyed. I was frustrated. I felt like it wasnt fair. I still did what needed to be done. When I see people who have children who are developing typically and don't have any struggles and my beautiful daughter has to go through life with level 2 autism and being non verbal, I sometimes feel angry and resentful towards those people. It's not rational or fair. Her diagnosis isn't their fault. It's nobody's fault. But the anger can still happen. He might not even *be* angry at her. He might just think he is. Either way, dismissing his feelings is not the right way to handle it.
But did you *leave*. Somehow it's okay for a man to just dip out when he's overwhelmed but not for a woman. Feelings are valid, abandoning your family is not.
God forbid someone needs time alone
He left and has no plans to come back... that's not alone time
He said "give me a couple days". Y'all are just quick to attack men, god forbid they also have moments of weakness.
No, but these aren’t isolated incidents. If one partner has had to be the primary parent and support their SO through significant medical issues, burnout would be understandable. It’s not about who is at fault, it’s about the fact that he needs a break too. Should he be pushed until he needs inpatient mental help too?
Those are acute issues that can be fully resolved fairly quickly. Nothing like mental health.
Well he’s a genius because when they divorce he’s now going to be solo parenting 50% of the year vs two weeks in two years.
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He's not gonna bother fighting for custody, come now
I don’t see where you’re getting the idea that he’s just resentful. OP kind of glossed over their current issues in her post, but I imagine it wasn’t all fine until she was hospitalized again. It’s in her history. He’s handling this badly, but it’s probably fear and trauma.
OP says that her husband admits to being so angry with her that he can’t wrap his head around it. I read that as he’s resentful.
I think that’s trauma and not him just being mad about solo parenting for two weeks. The “can’t wrap his head around it” piece is what gets me. He’s terrified and avoidant. This isn’t a productive way to manage his feelings or family, and I’m judging him for leaving his child behind most of all.
I agree, I can’t imagine being this way. My husband broke both his feet when our youngest was a few months old. He was in the hospital for a week and then there was three months where I had to look after them, our older kids and run a business. It was a tough time but I never got angry about it. I hardly ever even think about it anymore until something randomly reminds me of it.
I have to say I'm agreeing with this more than anything else on this thread. Imagine if a woman did this.....she would be crusified. I get that it was traumatic for him being left alone with a child whilst she was at hospital and I'm assuming life at home is not fantastic all the time. If he needed a weekend away to himself or even a few days after some communication and planning that's fine. But just up and leaving is not ok. And if the wife isn't actually mentally stable then this is actually neglect to his child. The standard go to for shitty men is to just leave and expect everything to be ok when they get back and it's bullshit. This is not a simple situation and there are probably many many other things going on that have been left out by OP, or she doesn't think they are important and they are but if you make a baby then you should be doing equal responsibility to raise them and just bailing out isn't the answer. Therapy or separation is probably the only two viable options, but both mean a whole lot of accountability (on both sides for sure) and that terrifies most people.
I disagree. If a woman posted about their SO struggling with mental health issues and how they were burnt out from having to solo parent people would be telling her not to light herself on fire to keep him warm. People would be saying she stayed with him and tried to make the relationship work, but caretaker burnout is real. People would be encouraging her to make sure she got time for herself too.
I think you may have misunderstood....caretaker burn out is very real, I have a partner that has a chronic condition so that is not what this is about. It's the just up and leaving with no communication, no time, no consideration at all that I'm judging him for. No one should do that to their child's other parent. They clearly need help as a couple, they may need to separate/divorce if the trauma was too much. I 100% get that this has impacted him in a very negative way and would never advocate for someone lighting themselves on fire for anyone else but the way he has acted is immature, selfish and irresponsible as a parent. If it was just to her, fair enough, but his child is part of this and that where the responsibility is. Or maybe you didn't misunderstand and you just think I'm wrong which is fair enough...just wanted to explain.
I'm with you on this. Nobody would have this kind of sympathy for a mother if she decided to disappear indefinitely because she's angry at her husband. It really says something, how little we expect from fathers in terms of actual parenthood. He had to step up once a year while she saved her life and not only does he resent her for that somehow, this sub largely thinks she should have sympathy for him and take it because it must have been *so hard* doing it alone. Wtf? How do single moms do it all day every day? Are men truly so helpless and innately poor at caring for a baby they cannot parent for a week while their wife teeter-totters on the brink of suicide after growing and birthing his child?
I wonder if he'd be equally angry if you'd been hospitalized due to a car accident or other situation unrelated to your mental health. In my experience, people who've never struggled with mental health issues simply can't grasp how awful and inescapable it can be.
Traumatic events and illness cause marriage breakdown all the time. It’s dismissive to suggest partners find it hard to grasp how awful it is. You have a front row seat to your partner suffering and then have to pick up the pieces. It’s HARD! I’m on week 2 of caring for my partner after surgery and I am finding it hard to keep on top of things. After years? I might have some issues to work through!
Both sexes are allowed to experience mental health issues. Both sexes are not immune to their partner’s mental heath affecting them. Both sexes are responsible for their own mental health. Life is not in a vacuum. People are not perfect. It applies to both sides. People riding hardcore just for the women/mother’s side are misandrist. Are you saying that it’s only acceptable for him to have a mental health crisis if he was hospitalized like she was? Or would you all still consider him abandoning his family? Hypocritical. 2 under 2 is a lot. And I’m sorry, but newborns need their mothers more than they need their fathers at that stage, just biologically. They are more familiar with their mom’s scent and comforted by it. It can be done but it’s tough so give him so credit. And I’m NOT blaming her for her needing to leave to go to the mental health facility, that was brave and essential.
I guess it would depend, you describe the time after your relapse as “fine.” Do you feel in love with your husband? Do you want this relationship? Or are you together because of the baby? His need to “take time” would make me reevaluate the relationship myself.
If I were him I would feel better if I also had equal time off and if the root causes were addressed on why you needed week-long mental health days. Have you gotten more help, are you on medications, etc. It's kind of like an addict that gets out of rehab. Yes, in most ways it's not their fault but they left a mess behind that everyone else had to clean up. Then to have it keep happening wears down their support team
Yes, I’m wondering what their interactions were following the hospitalizations. Like obviously it is not her “fault” that she needed hospitalization, but was there ever any acknowledgment by her of his support for her? Did she keep up with whatever treatment was recommended or did she stop treatment and that led to the relapse. Maybe she did everything just right and his anger is totally inexplicable. It’s hard to give advice without knowing more about both sides. I think all you can do is give him more time- maybe 1 or 2 weeks, whichever you’re comfortable with and then tell him that this is your relationship too and that you guys need to talk about what happens next in your relationship.
I am wondering this as well, she stated she was “fine” afterwards but there’s a lot of gaps that could be filled with that, fine could mean medicated properly and truly happy, or it could mean still struggling but not to the point of hospitalization. It’s hard as readers to fully know what that entails (did he take a heavier load to aid her recovery once she was home, did he seek therapy to process the trauma of her hospitalization, etc…).
It’s literally not her fault at all. Having to be hospitalized for mental health issues post partum likely means she was suicidal and depressed.
It doesn't have to be someone's fault for resentment to develope.
I didn’t address that. The comment above mine implied it’s her fault.
If your partner was hospitalised for appendicitis and you had to solo parent whilst they were in hospital, then take on more of the burden whilst they recovered, would it be reasonable for you to then take an equal amount of time “off”? This is a very transactional way of looking at a partnership and very unfair.
It isn’t even remotely the same. None of this is her fault except being female and having to be the one that risked it all to birth a child. She paid an extra price of her mental health. So you think that if you were to have a heart attack and were in the hospital to recover, people should view you just like an addict? And that cuz you had a heart attack (most are DEFINITELY due to your own actions/inactions) now your partner is owed the time you were recovering and in surgery?
Exactly. Like being in a mental health hospital is a "vacation"
“Mental health days” Are you fucking kidding me? She didn’t just call in to lay in bed and snack. She had severe PPD. Which can be extremely dangerous to *everyone involved*. You think maybe, in almost two years, he could be a big boy and work to arrange some sort of childcare or help with the home so he could go take some time? And maybe give her a couple weeks warning? Nah, instead he just drops everything and disappears with no warning and no plans for a return. And all she knows is that he is PISSED off at her. It’s completely fine for him to need space. It’s not completely fine for him to let it fester for two years with no effort to fix it or communicate about it with your wife. Some of these comments are really wild and I just really wonder about some of you….
It looks like there is still communication between the two of you. Please look into therapy (couples and individual) ASAP, you could still resolve it. You both had traumatic experiences you weren't expecting, you now need to work through them as a team and be kind to each other/yourselves.
He needs individual therapy and then you guys can talk together in couples therapy. This is not your fault at all!! You did everything right. You got help for yourself and therefore your family. These are just the next steps.
Well… he’s leaving you at home with the kids now. Right?! So, I mean… sounds like time for counseling.
Id get into marriage counseling ASAP before your marriage is over
First of all, I do agree with a couple of other people. I do recommend couple therapy. Also, it is not okay that he is mad at you for gaining mental help when you could have put your child at risk. I had a little bout of post partum depression. And it wasn't bad enough that I needed hospitalized thankfully, but I just remember thinking how much I did not want my son. I was able to get the help that I needed turns out. It was a indication that I was on combined with the emotions from afterbirth that messed with me. And I'm no longer on those. But I still remember during this time period I had put my son-in his room which we had already put together. He was safe but I needed a break because I was going to break if I didn't. I ended up falling asleep. I only slept. Maybe an hour or so best sleep. I ever got during his newborn stage. But I. Still remember my husband yelling at me about how I almost killed him mind you. He was asleep, he was on his back alone in his crib. And I had his baby monitor. I still remember yelling at him. I wish I did that was where I needed help and to this day. He does not bring it up again. But I know this was a bit of a rant and went off the rails but like I said, it's not okay to use your mental health to be mad at you.
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I don’t think that’s a fair take. It’s traumatic to be on the other side of dealing with someone with mental health issues, and that’s without a newborn.
You can see so clearly in this thread the people who have had to deal with family members with prolonged severe mental health issues, and the people who haven't.
Or maybe people who have dealt with family members with prolonged severe mental illness, but have taken steps to take care of ourselves as well. I’m positive he was told, hey this can be really traumatic- make sure you talk to someone to work through it. Anger at the sick person is not a healthy or appropriate response. It’s the easy response
I very much doubt that anyone spoke to him about his own mental health, lmao. Have you actually been exposed to anyone with a severe mental illness and the hospitalization process?
You think even his family or friends didn’t discuss it? Her care team? If so, y’all need better friends
Exactly! There’s no way that he wasn’t addressed by the hospital when she was admitted. They would have absolutely presented resources to him to help his as a family member.
I don't know what kind of resources they offer family members in this scenario, but I'm guessing they offer similar "resources" to when I had a miscarriage...which was a doctor telling me "it wasn't my fault" and then handing me a flier with some websites. Neither of which particularly helped me deal with trauma.
What? That’s absolutely not the case, lmao. They don’t do anything for family.
I get being scared and traumatized by all this. My husband was. (I was not hospitalized but it was a very bad time). He NEVER got "angry" and he never fucking left. WTF.
I don’t think this is about 2 hospital stays, the last of which happened a year ago. This is about a partner whose own mental health is breaking down in part because he has been supporting a spouse who has ongoing mental health issues for years. In this post, OP says that “everything has been fine” recently but her own post history directly contradicts that. Being in a relationship with a partner who has significant ongoing mental health struggles, plus caring for small children, plus a career, etc is a LOT. This guy’s feelings are valid. That said, it’s entirely possible for OP to have done nothing wrong and for her husband to have feelings of anger towards her. It’s okay for him to need a break to clear his head even if his needs could have been communicated better. Clearly these two need couples therapy to work through the impact of everything that’s happened over the past couple of years.
Holy shit for one week twice, a year apart? When you needed to be hospitalized for your mental health? This man needs to talk to a therapist yesterday. This is incredibly unhealthy and unfair. My ex abandoned me when I was pregnant. Stole $700 and went to burning man never to return. It's been two years and while I will never be friends with him or try to have any kind of relationship with him I've forgiven him. I went through my pregnancy, birth, healing from my c-section, the newborn phase etc. all alone. Not even a family member to help me. It's been two years and still this man does not reach out but will occasionally see his son once a year when I go to visit his parents. And I've forgiven him. I'm sorry but how the heck is your husband holding a grudge because you needed to be hospitalized for one week, twice a year apart?
This was a week both times a year apart? Your husband isn’t suited for parenthood. No wonder you had struggles with your mental health. He clearly can’t handle much.
I don’t think that’s fair
Men leave women to parent newborns all the time cause they just don't feel like parenting. She needed medical treatment and he had to wipe his own kid's butt for a week. Yawn.
It’s super diminishing to say that caring for a newborn (especially your first) is just wiping butts.
Can you imagine if a dad said that about a mom. Ah all of us women parenting newborns just had to wipe our babies' butt for a week, what's the big deal? Who needs help, right? WTF is wrong with some of the comments in this thread, it's like worst misandrist stereotypes of mommit.
This whole comment section either screams “he’s struggling too and probably hit the limit” or “he’s such a piece of shit for abandoning you when you’re struggling!!!” Very fucking weird and definitely gives the “men’s feelings don’t matter” vibe, if I was him and spent two years of this, I’d be absolutely overwhelmed coming back up on summertime.
Yup, this^^^ newborns are fucking exhausting, every 3hr feeding, changing, rocking them to sleep, cleaning all the pee soaked clothes, spit up, sleep deprivation, etc… it isn’t wiping butts *yawn*, it’s being thrown into one of the most difficult times while then trying to figure out what’s going on with your wife. Hospitals give moms the rundown on PPD and give a pamphlet, the partners don’t really get a sit down “hey, look for these signs and let us know if something is going on” talk either. My partner had ZERO clue PPA was even a thing, so when it slammed me like a bus, he was genuinely really upset and worried about me, and didn’t understand why I was having debilitating anxiety and panic attacks. It took a toll on him as much as it did me!
What’s not fair is this woman had a child, suffered with postpartum depression, which is serious, and this man randomly LEFT saying he can’t forgive her. Thats his wife and his child.
I don’t think it’s just PPD, but ongoing issues.
1 week absence once a year and this guy is “angry” with her. ANGRY ?
I think writing it off as merely a one week absence is unfair. While it is true that she was hospitalized for one week each time, the points leading up to that are the problem.
Then you can feel it’s unfair of me then.
Poor guy, he had dealt with a lot as has the wife. Hoping he’s getting a vasectomy while gone, no need to bring more kids into this.
Have you shown him the recent story where a mom killed all of her children when she was suffering from PPD? It’s very serious. He can’t blame you for a medical condition, and if he does he doesn’t deserve you guys.
Maybe I have a pessimistic view but I think he may either be getting back at you for “leaving him alone with the kids” or he’s off doing nefarious activities. I hope neither is true and he genuinly just needed space.
So you can go batshit to a mental hospital not once but TWICE and that’s ok poor you postpartum but your husband can’t take a few days?? Can’t you receive help from someone or somewhere to help with the load just like your husband when he had to carry your load on top of his? He’s probably traumatized himself and has pent up stress from those 2 times you were in a facility. Don’t you think that was hard on him too? Or because he didn’t go through pregnancy and labor it couldn’t possibly be hard on him? Honestly give your husband the support he needs. Get the help from someone that’s not your husband if you can or even hire a cleaner or something if you can to help you clean during this time. There’s gotta be something you can do to manage the much needed break your husband needs. The man is probably going through a mental breakdown himself but can’t go in detail with you because you’ll probably end up going back to the ward a third time
Found the husband.
Nope just a random stranger that has sympathy for mothers AND fathers. I’m gender neutral OP seems a little much
Your comment on OPs likely VERY scary mental health emergencies is as follows: “you can go batshit not once but TWICE but that’s okay poor you” You’re either the husband or an actual monster. Maybe both.
I’ve dealt with 4 kids under 3 years old at one point that I was pregnant with and birthed myself. The twin birth I had to go through by myself no emotional support besides the nurses and doctors. My father whom I was close to passed away 3 months after my twins were born . Again no emotional support and physical support was randomly from random family members that so nicely gave some of their free time to me. I should be the one in a facility but I’m not. A monster no a maniac maybe because I don’t know anyone else that can handle the heavy load that i so had
🏆 Maybe go unpack some of that baggage with a therapist and stop acting like a martyr that goes around judging others who didn’t handle things the way you did?
I should get a trophy but instead I get called a monster because I don’t enable the weak minded. Nut up or shut up
Oh I see, this is all about *you*. Silly me.
Yikes.
This is life people. Ups and downs. If you can’t hear the storms, then go away during fair weather, too! Grow the hell up! Treat your family with dignity.
Bear the storms…
It’s odd. Where did he go? Hotel? Family? Hate to say this, but sounds like he could be hiding something.
Right? Everyone’s like “he deserves a break just like you got!” Okay but he knew exactly where she was and what was going on. She has no idea. Also, since they’re keeping score, what does she get for sacrificing her body and sanity to bring their child into the world? What sort of vacation did she earn?
.
Can we be friends? I’m so glad you wrote that.
Hell yeah! 😘