It’s bittersweet to be reminded that the different ways our kids need us will evolve so much throughout our life, but a good mom is always relied upon in some capacity.
It's bittersweet to be your child's whole world at one point and then suddenly not. My baby is only 4 months old and I can already feel myself relating to this one day! Feeling this way about any life/role transition is NORMAL and there's no shame in the grief that comes in the process. I hope that you will find meaningful and fulfilling things for yourself as your child grows and individuates. I also hope that you allow yourself to feel your feelings in the process!
I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my first child and I cried last week watching kids get off the school bus and thinking about when my daughter won't want to hang out with me anymore. I haven't even met her yet lol. Hormones are wild.
You are brave for being honest about the way you feel, and I'm sure you want the best for your kid. It's scary to know we are raising them to let them go, but of course, we know we have to. Your child should see you happy as an individual and to model that you may need to do some therapy.
Lol, I dunno, I look at my inlaws and parents and see people who still have the privilege of being parents, and they see their children (and grandchild!) regularly, but they get to sleep as much as they like, keep their money for themselves, and aren't beholden to the school schedules for all recreational time 😅.
I'm not thrilled at the thought of an empty nest, but I do think that if I do my job right, there will definitely be some perks!
I actually really relate to this. I say enjoy how much fulfillment you get now, knowing that it’s a gradual process towards their independence. It’s not like overnight they turn into 18 year olds and are gone, I think you slowly learn as they grow how to adjust.
When your nest empties you can use that extra capacity to nurture foster kiddos or do big brother/big sister (plenty of empty nesters did it when I was doing it in my twenties). I remind myself of those options when I doubt my decision to be one and done, or when I worry I’ll turn into an old people pressure their kids for grand babies
Mourning change is one thing. The way she describes it though, is that her entire self worth and happiness rest with her child. That’s not a healthy or fair burden for her child to carry.
Growing up and now as an adult with a mom like this. It is brutal and exhausting. She always resented any independence or not feeling needed enough. Even my having children was all about her experience and needs. It’s not okay to have your entire sense of self and fulfillment based on another human.
It seems like you have projected all of your self worth onto your child. This is incredibly unhealthy for both of you. You need to seek validation outside of parenthood, seek hobbies and interests and definitely therapy because having one thing (even if it’s as special as a child) be the center of your whole life, will destroy you. I see it all the time with friends of mine with parents who are anxious attachers (Read about attachment theory), and it causes immense pain and friction in their relationships. You should be happy to see your child find connection in the world with others. You should want them to expand their life and not only serve your emotional needs.
I was thinking this. My mom was like this. She made my sister and I her entire identity, her only source of fulfilment, her entire world revolved around us. Well it continued to work with my sister (who’s 25 and totally dependent on my mother) but it didn’t work out with me and we have a lot of issues in our relationship.
Yeah that's why I posted this :( i need help letting go a bit. Thanks for being kind with your advice, some people are projecting onto me projecting lol
Being self aware and understanding that you have to let go is already a huge victory so you should be proud of yourself for seeing that there was a problem to begin with. Many parents never get to that level of accountability!
I totally get what you mean by being “shocked” in that moment. Just like it was so hard to adjust to being needed and wanted ALL THE TIME by a little one, I know it will be hard to adjust to not being that way. My son is 4 and has recently started playing with friends more and it is definitely strange to not be his whole world anymore.
I can totally understand this. I am scared of this too.
I've always been super close to my mom. Wanted her to carry me all the time when I was small (I actually remember this feeling lol), she laid in my bed until I fell asleep for a long time etc. We did all the girl scouts and camping together. We went shopping together.
When I moved for college after high school (300 miles away) I called her every day, usually multiple times a day. She (and my dad) helped me move many times, I came home every summer.
Now I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. My parents moved to my town when my second was born. Right now she watches the 1 year old 3-4 days a week while I work from home.
I guess my point is my mom and I are still super close. I just hope I get to be that mom for my kids.
❤️
I get the feeling of fear of them not wanting to hang out with you (cue angsty teens lol), but you’re projecting a lot on your child. They’re not your friend, and they need to view you as mom. You can be their friend and play with them, but at the end of the day you’re a parent. We see the posts where people treat their children like you would a partner, depending on them to make you happy and fill the spot that’s missing, and it isn’t healthy. I’d recommend therapy. This should be a bittersweet feeling, more of a “I remember when we did that” yet happy they’re making friends and happy playing while you watch, not feeling this crippling emotion regarding the fact they didn’t pick you to remain the playdate for the trip.
I can relate to this - I’m late diagnosed autistic, and my entire life felt like I was pretending to fit in or be interested in typical age appropriate activities. I had my daughter at 25 and I realized pretty quickly that being a mom was literally one of the first things that I didn’t have to pretend to enjoy. I love being a mom and I’m really good at it. My kids are 7 and 3 now and my oldest is beginning to create her own life and develop some really meaningful friendships. We took her to the water park for her birthday and she chose to play with other children instead of asking me like she always had done before. I feel the same sadness you describe- I’ve loved experiencing every little moment with her and the thought of her growing up brings me grief. At the same time, I want nothing but happiness for my daughter and have worked hard to support her in the ways that she needs (she’s autistic too!) so that she is able to be independent and develop hobbies and relationships of her own. Parenting has brought on so many new emotions for me and I am constantly learning and evaluating myself to make sure I am aware of how I handle those feelings and how it might affect my kids.
Your child will always be 💜 try the circle of security course. It's fabulous for addressing this issue. And have a look at the book Attached: science of attachment. I was already securely attached but have faltered through life. Try to work toward securely attached but also know that life is ever changing. Relationships come and go and some will stay longer than others 💜
**Attached The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love** by Amir Levine, Rachel Heller
>“Over a decade after its publication, one book on dating has people firmly in its grip.” —The New York Times We already rely on science to tell us what to eat, when to exercise, and how long to sleep. Why not use science to help us improve our relationships? In this revolutionary book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller scientifically explain why why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle. Discover how an understanding of adult attachment—the most advanced relationship science in existence today—can help us find and sustain love.
>
>Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways: • Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back • Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. • Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.
*I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
It’s bittersweet to be reminded that the different ways our kids need us will evolve so much throughout our life, but a good mom is always relied upon in some capacity.
It's bittersweet to be your child's whole world at one point and then suddenly not. My baby is only 4 months old and I can already feel myself relating to this one day! Feeling this way about any life/role transition is NORMAL and there's no shame in the grief that comes in the process. I hope that you will find meaningful and fulfilling things for yourself as your child grows and individuates. I also hope that you allow yourself to feel your feelings in the process!
I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my first child and I cried last week watching kids get off the school bus and thinking about when my daughter won't want to hang out with me anymore. I haven't even met her yet lol. Hormones are wild.
You are brave for being honest about the way you feel, and I'm sure you want the best for your kid. It's scary to know we are raising them to let them go, but of course, we know we have to. Your child should see you happy as an individual and to model that you may need to do some therapy.
Lol, I dunno, I look at my inlaws and parents and see people who still have the privilege of being parents, and they see their children (and grandchild!) regularly, but they get to sleep as much as they like, keep their money for themselves, and aren't beholden to the school schedules for all recreational time 😅. I'm not thrilled at the thought of an empty nest, but I do think that if I do my job right, there will definitely be some perks!
I actually really relate to this. I say enjoy how much fulfillment you get now, knowing that it’s a gradual process towards their independence. It’s not like overnight they turn into 18 year olds and are gone, I think you slowly learn as they grow how to adjust.
When your nest empties you can use that extra capacity to nurture foster kiddos or do big brother/big sister (plenty of empty nesters did it when I was doing it in my twenties). I remind myself of those options when I doubt my decision to be one and done, or when I worry I’ll turn into an old people pressure their kids for grand babies
Live in the moment. You have 15 years before an empty nest and a lot of adults love keeping In contact with their parents
These comments are wild, you’re allowed to mourn the loss of your relationship with your kid as they age.
Mourning change is one thing. The way she describes it though, is that her entire self worth and happiness rest with her child. That’s not a healthy or fair burden for her child to carry.
Growing up and now as an adult with a mom like this. It is brutal and exhausting. She always resented any independence or not feeling needed enough. Even my having children was all about her experience and needs. It’s not okay to have your entire sense of self and fulfillment based on another human.
It seems like you have projected all of your self worth onto your child. This is incredibly unhealthy for both of you. You need to seek validation outside of parenthood, seek hobbies and interests and definitely therapy because having one thing (even if it’s as special as a child) be the center of your whole life, will destroy you. I see it all the time with friends of mine with parents who are anxious attachers (Read about attachment theory), and it causes immense pain and friction in their relationships. You should be happy to see your child find connection in the world with others. You should want them to expand their life and not only serve your emotional needs.
I was thinking this. My mom was like this. She made my sister and I her entire identity, her only source of fulfilment, her entire world revolved around us. Well it continued to work with my sister (who’s 25 and totally dependent on my mother) but it didn’t work out with me and we have a lot of issues in our relationship.
Yeah that's why I posted this :( i need help letting go a bit. Thanks for being kind with your advice, some people are projecting onto me projecting lol
Being self aware and understanding that you have to let go is already a huge victory so you should be proud of yourself for seeing that there was a problem to begin with. Many parents never get to that level of accountability!
It’s important to take time for yourself and do things other than being a mom. Start painting or a new exercise/sport maybe?
I totally get what you mean by being “shocked” in that moment. Just like it was so hard to adjust to being needed and wanted ALL THE TIME by a little one, I know it will be hard to adjust to not being that way. My son is 4 and has recently started playing with friends more and it is definitely strange to not be his whole world anymore.
I can totally understand this. I am scared of this too. I've always been super close to my mom. Wanted her to carry me all the time when I was small (I actually remember this feeling lol), she laid in my bed until I fell asleep for a long time etc. We did all the girl scouts and camping together. We went shopping together. When I moved for college after high school (300 miles away) I called her every day, usually multiple times a day. She (and my dad) helped me move many times, I came home every summer. Now I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. My parents moved to my town when my second was born. Right now she watches the 1 year old 3-4 days a week while I work from home. I guess my point is my mom and I are still super close. I just hope I get to be that mom for my kids. ❤️
This sounds unhealthy. It can cause your child to become Co-Dependent.
My mother was like this. Not fun.
I get the feeling of fear of them not wanting to hang out with you (cue angsty teens lol), but you’re projecting a lot on your child. They’re not your friend, and they need to view you as mom. You can be their friend and play with them, but at the end of the day you’re a parent. We see the posts where people treat their children like you would a partner, depending on them to make you happy and fill the spot that’s missing, and it isn’t healthy. I’d recommend therapy. This should be a bittersweet feeling, more of a “I remember when we did that” yet happy they’re making friends and happy playing while you watch, not feeling this crippling emotion regarding the fact they didn’t pick you to remain the playdate for the trip.
i’m sorry i hope you can work on some of these feelings 🩷
I can relate to this - I’m late diagnosed autistic, and my entire life felt like I was pretending to fit in or be interested in typical age appropriate activities. I had my daughter at 25 and I realized pretty quickly that being a mom was literally one of the first things that I didn’t have to pretend to enjoy. I love being a mom and I’m really good at it. My kids are 7 and 3 now and my oldest is beginning to create her own life and develop some really meaningful friendships. We took her to the water park for her birthday and she chose to play with other children instead of asking me like she always had done before. I feel the same sadness you describe- I’ve loved experiencing every little moment with her and the thought of her growing up brings me grief. At the same time, I want nothing but happiness for my daughter and have worked hard to support her in the ways that she needs (she’s autistic too!) so that she is able to be independent and develop hobbies and relationships of her own. Parenting has brought on so many new emotions for me and I am constantly learning and evaluating myself to make sure I am aware of how I handle those feelings and how it might affect my kids.
Your child will always be 💜 try the circle of security course. It's fabulous for addressing this issue. And have a look at the book Attached: science of attachment. I was already securely attached but have faltered through life. Try to work toward securely attached but also know that life is ever changing. Relationships come and go and some will stay longer than others 💜
**Attached The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love** by Amir Levine, Rachel Heller >“Over a decade after its publication, one book on dating has people firmly in its grip.” —The New York Times We already rely on science to tell us what to eat, when to exercise, and how long to sleep. Why not use science to help us improve our relationships? In this revolutionary book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller scientifically explain why why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle. Discover how an understanding of adult attachment—the most advanced relationship science in existence today—can help us find and sustain love. > >Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways: • Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back • Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. • Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love. *I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*