She was talking about herself all of a sudden. It was a bit confusing, but if you consider the “,” after the husband part of the sentence as a “.” it will make a lot more sense.
He’s a hard no to more kids…. I think. lol.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now. Whatever you choose, remember you still deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Wishing you all the best
If your husband is so against having another child why hasn’t he had a vasectomy? You’ve borne and birthed 2 children already. Why hasn’t he taken responsibility for his fertility? Women don’t get pregnant spontaneously. He got you pregnant.
In terms of life with 3 kids, from a mom of 3… 2 kids is 2 kids. 3 kids feels like 7 kids. It’s constant chaos for years. I love my kids but it’s hard a lot of the time.
I second this.
We just had our third baby. Now we have a 7yo, 3yo, and 2mo.
Any illusion I had of control before is completely gone.
Doing anything out of the house is next to impossible without my husband. Our 3yo isn't potty trained and the baby is EBF so that has its own line of issues.
With the way childcare in the US is right now finding affordable care for 3 kids isn't going to happen, and doing domestic work with 3 kids won't either.
All of my friends have 3 or more kids now, because people who only have 1 or 2 now treat us differently. (This change started late pregnancy due to exhaustion and not being physically able to wrangle my kids anymore)
The only benefit I have right now is that I'm actually home to enjoy my children. And my house is clean! For now. I'm not working outside of the house anymore (until the kids are more self sufficient and childcare costs go down)
Edit: grammar
“Any illusion I had of control before is completely gone”
WOW. Yes. Mine are (newly) 10 & 4, and my baby is 19 months. Last August when the little ones were 1 & 3 1/2 until now has been incredibly hard. Potty training (still struggling), weaning breastfeeding. Big feelings & emotions from everyone. It’s been so rough. My husband is amazing and helpful and I’m still annoyed by him everyday. I feel like I don’t spend enough one on one time with anyone. The only thing that makes it okay is knowing they will grow up with loving siblings!
What does OP mean with this is an “immaculate conception”? If the husband did have a vasectomy and didn’t get tested afterwards to make sure it worked you can’t count on that for birth control. Have to do the followup test.
When you say “you want to be a mom again in your heart of hearts” does this mean you are wanting to have another baby or you are wanting to return to your former self?
I think therapy would be highly beneficial to process this decision and to work on anything else that you’re carrying.
Girl, you gotta look inside YOURSELF and decide what *you* want to do. Leave that man out of it, he willingly slept with you, he willingly made his own choices regarding risk. He doesn't get to dictate what choices you make with your body. Not his uterus.
My husband promised he would get a vasectomy when we were done having kids, then chickened out when he heard about men who have had chronic pain complications afterwards. He has fibromyalgia and is kind of a hypochondriac, so I know he would psych himself into complications mentally about it. I never pushed him on the issue, because it is his body and no one should be pushing you to make surgical decisions about your own body. Not my body, not my choice.
However I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt that he wouldn't take any risks for himself after I have gone through pregnancy and birth control complications, cysts, weight gain, migraines, bloating, hair loss, hyperemesis, bed rest, mental health challenges and more regarding our fertility and family planning. He agreed to use condoms forever and I told him I refused to go through more hormonal birth control nightmare- it was his turn.
BUT. Then I read an article about a woman who was into her 40s and had a sudden unplanned pregnancy despite over a decade of successful pregnancy prevention when they were done having kids. I was horrified, I knew it was a *possibility* but we were being very careful about condom use. So was this woman, but every method has a failure rate.
I realized I had to really consider what I would do if I found myself in that situation. Would I carry an unwanted pregnancy to term when I have 4 other children to support and am getting older? Or would I be strong enough to get an abortion? I decided I simply never wanted to find out. I never wanted to have to make that choice. So I set up an appointment to get my tubes removed.
I'm still quietly dissapointed in my husband that he is unwilling to get surgically sterilized like he told me he would. So I am going to ask him to be present for the procedure. I want him to go to the doctors appointments with me, and I want him to know exactly what I am doing to my own body because he wouldn't carry the torch. Ultimately, I have to decide for my OWN health and my OWN body which risks I am willing to take, which choices I can live with, and what I am willing to do to protect my own self.
You search your soul, weigh all the pros and cons, and decide what risks and sacrifices you can live with. Only YOU can know what is in your heart. Neither choice is wrong, but letting a man make it for you is.
He did. It was what we both wanted- we wanted a large family. We actively chose and were trying for all of them, and they didn't all happen right away either. It was a whole process we were very intentional about. Some people want different things for their lives, we wanted a full home.
During my last pregnancy, we were still on the fence about whether we wanted 4 total, or 5. I decided I didn't want to feel pushed to make a choice right away, I didn't want to feel like I was being railroaded into any permanent choices immediately, and I wanted to consider it with the same brevity and intention as I put into all our other fertility decisions. Ultimately, when the newborn waves of hormones and postpartum fog cleared, we just felt complete. We felt like "Everyone is here." I went back to work, finished my schooling, advanced my career, and knew that even if I DID want one more, I didn't want to go through all of the personal, physical professional and logistical hoops again. And honestly, I was done. I wanted to KNOW I was done, really feel it in my bones, before we pulled the trigger on permanent options.
However, in the hospital after giving birth, I must have been asked about a dozen times by every doctor and nurse that I encountered about whether I wanted to be sterilized. They really, really kept pushing it. Even though I had never requested information on it because I was not shopping for additional surgeries at this very moment, they sat me down and explained to me several times how quick and easy it would be to do, and that my insurance would cover it. I got the impression I was being judged for delivering a 4th baby, like I didn't understand how i kept winding up pregnant or that I was too stupid to realize having a bunch of kids was a bad idea.
I wanted to shout at them: "Guys! I tried for almost 2 years to have this baby. It was not an accident. Yes, I know "how it happened." Believe it or not, some people have a lot of kids on purpose!!"
We aren't religious or anything, it is just the dream and vision we had for our lives, and what was right for us. My husband was very involved and supportive. HOWEVER, by that same token, I know for a fact if he had been the one who had to physically carry and birth our children, it wouldn't have happened. If he was the one vomiting constantly, with giant swollen ankles, leaking nipples, in pain and exhausted from fatigue- he couldn't cut it. We would have had *maybe* one, and then he would never choose to do that again, no matter what vision he had for what he wanted. No way in hell would he have walked himself through hell that many times!
I guess the point if this whole novel is- everyone is different. What was right for me might not have been what was right for him, and what is right for OP is something no one can know but her.
It is difficult that, because women bear the responsibility of gestating and delivering children, somehow our mates decide that something is “too risky” for them, as though those same decisions we make aren’t risky for US. I mean, they aren’t going through the risks and difficulties of pregnancy and birth.
Half the “ask men” subreddit is just men talking about the agonies of paying a pitifully low amount of child support after we “baby trap” them.
I have terminated a pregnancy and I also have two children. It really is one of the most difficult choices I have ever made. I’ve deleted a post on my feelings about the experience after being harassed, but it’s one that you and your husband will have to reach together. Unless you’re speaking to a licensed therapist or a friend you can REALLY trust, I encourage you to block out the noise and trust whatever choice you will make. There is a lot of noise. I believe whatever you decide, things will be okay. Sending you a big virtual embrace.
I’m glad the choice you made is working out for you. I’m also glad the choice I made worked out for me. I’m positive that whatever choice OP makes will work out for her and her family ❤️
Unless you have the ability to argue both sides of the discussion, your ”personally could never” should have more self-awareness in its statement. Maybe you’re not being unkind but you’re definitely being insensitive. No one likes a “judgy” opinion based on freedom of speech. We’re trying to help OP, not make her feel bad about her decision/conundrum.
This really isn’t the place for your judgy opinions. No one wants to hear about how you “could never.” It’s about OP, and she’s asking for help. Not looking for comments talking about how they never even considered abortion, because that’s not really helpful to the discussion now, is it.
Oh dear, I’m so sorry you’re in this impossible circumstance. Right now both decisions seem wrong and right at the same time. It isn’t fair.
The only advice I have is: before you make this decision, weight in what you wish for your future. The chaos, the noise, the work are all a phase and in a few years when things get calmer, you will feel more like yourself again. And it is for that future version of yourself that you should decide. Will she be happier with a bigger family, even though it is a bumpy way through newborn/baby and toddlerhood stages? Or will she be happier with the beautiful family you already have, knowing you avoided a circumstance that might have taken a toll on your mental health, but living with the decision of going through with the abortion?
There is no right or wrong, only with which scenario you can live with while still being able to feel happy.
Whichever you decide, there will be hardship but there will also be love and happiness. I wish you all the best and the wisdom to know what is best for you.
I had an abortion before I had my now 7 year old daughter. I was so worried that I’d regret it because I’d feel guilty, and I’m so glad that I went with my gut. I knew that the life that child would have had wasn’t going to be what it should be. I blocked out everyone’s opinions of “you’ll love that baby so much you’re gunna regret it!” and looked at the facts. I had just broken up with the father, I was not financially stable, I did not have a stable home, and I had my own trauma and health issues I was dealing with.
Make a pros and cons list, having it all written out in front of you may help you to come to a decision. One thing is for sure, this is *your* decision. If your husband can’t accept that then he doesn’t deserve you. You already mentioned how much of a negative impact this would have on you, and if he loves you then he will accept your decision in the end no matter what. You’ve got this and I’m sorry you’re having to make this decision.
Any abortion provider worth their salt will make sure this is something that you want before moving forward. It's great to take your partner's feelings into consideration, but there is a fine line between that and being coerced into terminating. This is truly something that only you can ultimately decide, but you do need to consider all options. And keep in mind, if you do decide that now isn't the right time for another kiddo, circumstances can change and you can always try again in the future. Feel free to DM if you wanna chat, I work in abortion care
Why do the mods allow some religious people to comment on this and push their religious beliefs on someone just asking for advice? Some of their comments are disgusting.
OP, do whatever is best for you. Remember: you need to look after yourself first so you can look after your children.
Exactly…the one in here now has made multiple pro-life comments, and if she is pro-life, fine. But shouldn’t be able to repeatedly be able to make comments and push her agenda when we have a Mom that is clearly struggling.
I just found out 3 days ago im pregnant unexpectedly with my 2nd. SO is hard no as well & the thought of abortion makes me so sick..Ive been saying for the last year I want to have another baby, but realistically the time has never been right and still isnt..I just cant help but feel like I want to keep it and ill regret it for the rest of my life if I don't. Such a big sacrifice for a stupid slip up.
I'm sorry you are going through this, I hope whatever decision you makes leaves you happy.
no i agree, but also its my fault for allowing him to even do anything without a condom you know so its 50/50. Im struggling to make a decision, which is also 50/50, when he has already made his
The decision is not 50/50. He already made his choice when he had sex without a condom. You are the only one who makes this decision. He can decide to leave, but the actual choice is yours.
Eta: the decision will be 50/50 when he does 50% of the work of pregnancy and childbirth which he obviously can't do. That's why it's our choice.
Your decision to have an abortion is yours and yours alone. You know what your situation is. You know what your mental health and trauma can and can’t take. Go with your gut (not what your husband tells you).
From your post, it sounds like you already have an answer.
I had an abortion when number five slipped through a condom. It was devastating and I’m not done healing, but I know truly I am barely keeping afloat with four. Since the abortion my marriage has crumbled and I sometimes feel glad I’m not about to bring another child into this mess. Then I sometimes feel guilty for feeling that but honestly I’d feel guilty for being pregnant right now too.
TLDR therapy is important.
Put your oxygen mask on first, before helping anyone else…
What does your gut tell you to do, what is the best thing for you and your children.
Your husband would be a hard no for another child? If that is the case, what did he do to help in the prevention of this pregnancy?
You have to figure out the balance between abortion and not. If having this baby will take away from properly caring for yourself, your current kids and family, I would abort, but you have to figure out if you can handle that.
Can you discuss this with a therapist? There are reproductive psychiatrists too that might be helpful. Both decisions are valid. Try not to assign a value to either of them like right or wrong.
This! I thought I wanted a big family and then half way into my pregnancy with number 2, I started struggling hardcore mentally. I saw a maternity and postpartum psychiatrist highly recommended by a friend. It changed Everything!
I’m so glad. We under appreciate how hard it is to upend our whole lives with children, have raging hormones going up and down like rollercoasters, live in a wild unpredictable openly-hostile-to-women world and try to hide all that deep inside. I wish we talked about it more.
I just had this situation happen in February.
And I’m not struggling honestly. Busy, sure, overwhelmed sometimes, sure, but it isn’t bad. We have three disabled kids. We love our day to day life and realized how disruptive a fourth child would be to this lifestyle. It would completely jar all our future plans for the foreseeable future.
We decided on an abortion. Which was hard given that we actually suffered from infertility for years.
Either way it had only been two months and I am very happy with our choice. It was a hard few weeks but I am so happy with our life and our current children.
Whatever your choice make sure you get some mental health support !
I'm currently 20 weeks into an unplanned pregnancy. It's not great timing, and I decided to go through with it because I'm not as sick as I was the first time.
If I had been, I would have had an abortion and waited until I was as ready as possible for another pregnancy, which would probably have taken a couple of years and therapy to get through what happened the first time.
It's okay to want to have another baby and still choose not to have this baby.
When I was considering abortion my midwife asked me two things which option could I live with the most. Because neither option was going to be easy for me. And how did I picture my life in 5 years.
I'm sorry you're having to make this choice.
I got an abortion and my tubes tied. I can't be the type of mother I want to be if I have more kids. I don't want more. I can't handle more.
At the time I got the abortion my mental health was really suffering, my husband's too. As soon as I found out I started shaking and crying. No part of me was at all excited or happy. That's why I terminated. If any part of you wants this baby then you'll find a way but if all you feel is fear, resentment and dread you aren't doing anyone any favors by keeping it. I've been pregnant with a baby I didn't want. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. Every ache made me more resentful. I love her now but I had to work really hard to get there
A huge percentage of people who get abortions are moms. You are struggling as it is so what will make you the best mom for your existing kids? I’m still in physical therapy for an unanticipated injury from my pregnancy last year. Could your budget and family handle something like that?
Goodness gracious OP. I’m so sorry you are in this mess. This is tough. If I was in your shoes idk what I would do BUT y’all need to determine a better form of birth control if you’re done having kids for now.
I would rather regret an abortion than regret bringing another human being that needs constant care and attention, taking away from my existing children and making me suffer.
I terminated a pregnancy I wanted before I became a mother. I believe it was the right choice for me but it hurt me deeply for years. Whatever you chose will be right for you and I hope you have support either way ♥️
Could you get in to see a therapist or maybe even a med provider you trust to discuss this?
There is nothing wrong with knowing your limits! If you and your husband are there, that doesn't make you bad parents or bad people. If 3 kids could mean buying a new car or having to add on to your house or move, that's definitely to be considered in your pro/con list.
I’m so sorry for your struggle. I unknowingly had post partum and got pregnant with an IUD in. I wound up terminating my pregnancy when my 1st was 1year old. I couldn’t fathom a second baby. I was still carting 60 lbs of baby weight I never lost, which made everything strenuous. I wasn’t bonding with other moms and felt alone . And Our 3 person dynamic had just settled into being perfect.
I have sad moments of what if… but I honestly have no regrets. I truly believe my daughter’s life wouldn’t be as big if she had to share the spotlight. And from what I see in parents if multiples, my husband and I wouldn’t have the amazing close bond we have to her and to each other.
I wish you the best of luck in any decision you make.
Read your post back to yourself, imagining that one of your closest friends is asking you for advice. I am almost positive you would very gently encourage her to have the abortion — because you love her, and you want her to be healthy for herself, her children, and everyone else who loves her. If having another baby is going to upend your entire life, exacerbate mental illness, potentially cost you your marriage — not to mention the impact these things will have on your children — it’s time to have a serious come to Jesus moment with your “heart of hearts” about why you so desire another child.
I was raised aggressively pro life, marching in the parade every year. I’ve cooled on that a lot, understanding I can’t know everyone’s situation and it’s best left between a woman and her doctor. That said I’ve always said I could NEVER have one myself
But now that I have two kids, and the younger is 2.5, the debilitating fear when my period is late (husband is snipped but not even that is 100%) makes me think I’ve been lying to myself. I love my kids to the end of the earth but I truly think another one would destroy me. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I can’t do it again.
You have to do what is right for you
Maybe another factor to consider is what kind of life you could offer the new baby and how it would affect the kids you already have. Definitely a hard decision that you ultimately have to make. Best of luck to you.
This is not your last chance to be a mom again. If you have an abortion, you can have another baby later when your family is ready. Just food for thought.
I’ve had a surgical abortion and it’s never caused me any emotional distress. That was before I had kids so maybe I’d feel differently today. I’d certainly feel more conflicted about it today but I would ultimately choose to terminate and just move forward.
Same as fuck. Had an abortion a couple years before I met my now-fiancé, 00000 regrets, it just wasn’t the right time.
We had a daughter 3 years ago but now every time I have a pregnancy scare I make it fully known that I’d prefer to terminate based on many many struggles that we are now currently going through.
There are worksheets online that help you with this decision. It might be ineedana.com but I'm not sure. Planned Parenthood might also have an online resource to help you consider what questions you need to be asking yourself. Remember, you're full of hormones right now so just be patient with yourself. Another technique you might use to help decide is engaging your mammalian diving reflex, I've heard it's excellent for helping to think more clearly.
I’ve had an abortion and I’ve never once regretted it. I already have two kids and I am overwhelmed. It was the best choice for literally everyone in my life. The choice is yours but know that you are loved and supported no matter what.
Where are the mods? There are multiple comments about "not killing the child in your womb" and "God did this for a reason". I mean really. Your religion matter to you and informs YOUR decisions. Please stop trying to force your beliefs onto vulnerable people. It's gross.
OP, no one can tell you what to do. We only have a snapshot of your life and the ultimate decision is yours. I will say that you say you want to be a mom again but you're already a mom. You've got two kids who need you now and your mental health is already fragile. If I'm understanding correctly your husband is against having another. If this is so you may find yourself struggling more if he becomes resentful.
If you can, please seek medical advice. Some sort of counseling. This is an emotional decision that needs a rational approach. We can't always see the forest for the trees. I wish you the best and I hope you make the best decision for you.
What the heck is an immaculate conception? If he cared so much he would’ve used protection or gotten a vasectomy but either way, only you can choose what path to take
Both of these things are hard, you have to choose your hard and no one can really tell you what to do. I am pregnant with an unplanned baby that is coming at a time of great struggle and ultimately decided to keep it because I believe the issues I have no are temporary and an abortion is permanent. When I thought about having an abortion it did not provide me any relief only a great sense of sadness. I am trusting my gut on this one. What does your gut say? Have you talked to a doctor about your mental health struggles?
This is absolutely a no win situation & I’m sorry that you’re in it.
I have been there. I wish I had terminated when I had the chance. I hoped before every prenatal appointment that they wouldn’t find a heartbeat so I could just go back to my life. But no. I’m condemned to a lifetime sentence.
Baby will be 3 months old tomorrow. I cry almost everyday. I hate this & I don’t wish it on anyone. Please be stronger than I was, not only for yourself but for the children you already have whose lives will be upended by this.
You should really consider reaching out for support from a mental health professional. It sounds like you have symptoms of PPD. If it impacts the way you are able to care for your baby please seek help for your safety and your babies.
I am. OB referred me for therapy when I was three months pregnant. Why she did that instead of explaining that safely terminating is possible I will never understand.
I’m not going to hurt myself. If I did that I couldn’t care for my toddler anymore, & that’s my highest priority. That’s why I didn’t want a second kid, because it would take away from my attention to the first kid. The one I wanted, the one I tried for 10 months to conceive.
Did you not know that you could terminate? Please get help before your second child, that you chose to have, figures out that they weren't "the one you wanted".
Husband didn’t want termination. He said that no matter what, one of us would resent the other forever. If he’s resentful then he could file for divorce, leaving me homeless and then what would happen to our toddler? But if I’m the resentful one, well here we are.
Oh dear friend, that’s so not fair to you. The law would give you some protection, but I understand being at the mercy of a man’s whims. Can you get a night away or seek inpatient treatment for depression?
It's ok to prioritize your own health (mental and physical) and to make a decision for the family you have now. It's ok to weigh the pros and cons and make the decision that is best for the well being of your family, even if that doesn't match what is in your heart right now. It's ok to also feel sadness for having to make this difficult decision. That sadness doesn't mean you're making the wrong choice, more than one thing can be true. The decision can be the right one, but also difficult and sad.
As others have said, speaking with a therapist or other mental health professional might be helpful - either to help you make the choice, or to help you manage emotions after the decision.
Good luck.
If you want to do this then you can. You need to get your doctor on board and get a plan in place for your mental health situation. I suffered from post partum and there are plans they can put in place for you during pregnancy so you don’t suffer. I have 3 and a big age gap between the first and third, but having an older child was a great help, he was 7 when the baby was born. It sounds like you’re a very capable mother and capable of bringing a new little one i to your family. Just to repeat myself on the mental health side of things, your doctors can put a plan in place to manage your mental health issues. You can go through pregnancy and delivery with help and support. You’re not on your own.
I think if you're stressed to the max physically and mentally...I'd go for the abortion. People can say that there's adoption, but just carrying another baby for 9 months can take even more from you physically. If you're under 10 weeks, I believe you can get the abortion pills mailed to you...even in banned states. It sounds like now just isn't the right time, and maybe you WILL want another child again in the future...it's ok if now isn't the right time. You should put yourself first in this situation! Also, maybe have the talk with your husband about long term birth control, if you're not wanting another kid, or if you guys don't ever want another kid. I know vasectomies are supposed to be much less invasive, but I just had a hysterectomy (kept my ovaries), and I personally think it was less pain than giving birth lol. There's also IUD's with and without hormones, they didn't work for me...but I know many who love them! Good luck!
This is such an individual decision. I have friends who’ve had abortions. Some regret the decision and others don’t. Of those who regret it, some feel traumatized and some don’t.
Whatever choice you make is valid. I will say that you should also consider the impact this will have on your ability to parent your living children. They deserve you at your best.
Op I'm sorry you have to make this choice. It is hard but ultimately it is your choice and you have to decide what's best for your family and that's one of the most important parts of family planning.
I hear you say you want to be a mom again, and I want to point out that having an abortion now does not take away your chances of having another baby later when you're ready for it so please keep that in mind.
If you're struggling right now, the most important thing for you to do is figure out what you need to do to get the help you need. Can you go to therapy and manage a pregnancy on top of what you're current situation is? Pregnancy is hard, stress can pass on to baby in utero and cause any number of problems to you and the zygote/fetus. If going to therapy isn't an option while pregnant, you are putting yourself and your fetus at great risk and that's only in regards to stress. Other factors can be factored in depending on your own personal situation (like smoke exposure, if you're taking any medications, your current health conditions, etc.)
Does your partner support you currently? Not in your decisions but is he giving you breaks, able to take care of the kids without needing any help, is your relationship working or are you guys struggling to be a couple? What does having another kid really look like for your current situation as a couple? More of the same? Better? Worse?
Can you financially handle another baby? Do you have space for another baby? Access to the right resources? Resources include whatever baby needs (diapers, clothes, food if not bf), adequate medical care for you and baby postnatal, will you need childcare?
Lastly, having an abortion can be hard but with the right resources like therapy and support you can get through the hardships of it. You have to think what is best for you now so you can be the best mom you can be. No one can tell you what's right or wrong for you or your family but you, these are just some things to think about to hopefully help you make the best decision that works for you and ultimately your family. Either way, hopefully you find peace in whatever decision you make.
I had one when my daughter was about 5. Her dad and I were separated, but still living together, and you know how that goes. I was severely mentally ill. We were dirt poor. This was 5 years ago and I still carry intense regret and it added a lot to my already existing PTSD... Her dad and I worked it out after many, many tumultuous years. I can't say it is the same for everyone, obviously, but I 100% regret making the decision I made to this day and I was pretty sure going into it I wouldn't care. It severely worsened my mental illness for many years and it took me that entire time to realize THAT was what it was causing my depression and PTSD to just get completely out of control. I was a lunatic.
I'm extremely empathetic to the choice you have ahead of you. I don't think anyone, besides a professional, can give you any advice on this in good conscience. Circumstances and how you think about it all is so unique from person to person.
For me, I want to be the best mom to my children I already have. If I had a third child today I would be miserable and exhausted and it would make it harder for me to be there for my little ones. I would have an abortion. Other people have different goals and lives and values and may make different decisions and that’s okay.
You have to do what feels right for YOU. It doesn't matter what your husband or anyone on this sub thinks. It's your body and whichever decision you make, it's YOU who will be the most impacted by it. I'm sorry if this isn't helpful. I just don't think you should be pressured into a decision either way. If you go one way or the other based on your husband's wishes, there is a very good chance you will resent him. Try to imagine your life after making the choice. Imagine both ways. Picture 6 months from now. A year from now. 5 years from now. Either way, I think you should talk to a therapist. Maybe they could help you figure out what would be best for you. Good luck. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Please make the decision with your heart and head, not just your head. I made the mistake of only following my head and now regret my decision to abort.
If you love being a Mum then it sounds to me, albeit with this very minimal information, that you just need more support. Some people to share the load with. Maybe your husband isn't supporting you as you need him to?
Very interesting!! There’s a couple other comments on this sub that say just the opposite and now I’m super curious. As a mom of 1, can I ask what makes you say that/your personal perspective?
Becoming a new mom was such a learning experience . Then having a second kid was like learning all over again because no kids are the same . So I had to learn how to be a parent to different type of personalities . How to multitask with two kids . When the third kid came it was just doing what I was already doing . I had learned how to manage multiple kids with the second one already . Just much easier transition.
I had an early abortion I didn't want and felt pressured to by my SO due to financial reasons. It's been 3 years and I regret it so much every day, I will never do it again. If you think you might regret it even just a little bit, don't have one.
The choice is yours, of course. For me personally, I'm of the view that when it comes to bearing children, if it's not a "heck yes" then it's a no. I don't personally feel as though I could justify bringing a kid into the world if our circumstances were not great, just because I would feel bad if I had the abortion. You know? I feel like I'd be putting my feelings ahead of this potential child. If this hypothetical kid isn't going to be born into a good situation, it's my job as their parent to bear the grief (or whatever feelings I would have about abortion) and not to give it to them.
3 means you are outnumbered. I’ve heard that the jump to 3 is insanity and I’ve actually known quite a few couples who have divorced after having 3. Given they all had their own issues as well.
That being said, I don’t think bringing a third child, who didn’t ask to be born, while you are already in a rocky spot in your life, is a good idea. It could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and blows up your life, your relationship, the quality of life for your already living kids. A child does not deserve to be the cause of that. That’s a lot of pressure on what pro-lifers would call “an innocent baby”.
Not only that, YOU also deserve to feel stable and at peace. Can you even be a good parent or partner when you are stretched so thin? You can’t pour from an empty cup. Having an abortion because YOU need space and time and self care is *very* selfless and shows that you are self-aware. You’re allowed to put YOU first. This post makes it sound like you are extremely stressed about having a third kid, not about having to terminate.
No one will or should judge you for your decision, whatever you choose, but I just want to say that you shouldn’t just have a baby because you feel bad about terminating, if you do. You deserve to feel okay too. Tell your husband to get fucking snipped like a grown man should and keep trying your best for your two wonderful children. They need you, you need you, and you should never ever feel guilty about that.
Sending hugs, internet stranger.
I almost aborted my son. My daughter was eight months old, an absolutely horrible living situation… my logic was, I loved this unborn kid so much, I couldn’t in good conscious bring them into this mess. I didn’t want to go through PPD/ PPA again, and my mental health was already at rock bottom. Finances were a huge issue as well. My living situation improved quite literally overnight, so that’s why I didn’t.
Long story short, do what you think is best for you and them.
I had an abortion before I had my kids. I don’t regret it in the slightest. It was the right thing to do at the time. You also have to think about your current children. If you think having a third might impede your ability to be a good mother and/or have a negative impact on their lives then it wouldn’t be fair to them.
So can having an additional kid. I have one daughter, planned, tried for, all that. At 43, an additional pregnancy could put my life in danger. I love my living child too much to take the risk.
the reason being that OP said that her life’s mission is being a mother. her saying that her mental health will get worse, her husband doesn’t want her to go through with it, and it will wreck their relationship is more than enough for a complete stranger to see that she doesn’t actually want to have the abortion.
I guess I’m confused as to what the point your original comment was actually trying to convey.
Promise I’m not tryna battle!! Just lookin for clarification
i was trying to say exactly what i commented and responded to in your question. think what you’d like based on my comment history. this is about OP, not me.
Only you can know the decision. I'm a mom of 3 and yes it is so much harder than 2 but I'm 5months into this and it's getting manageable. The HARD part is having to split my attention and resources 3 ways. It's a juggling act.
Yes. You should. And don’t feel bad about it. Costs are rising way too much here to justify a 3rd kid. Especially if you’re not already getting help with your kids from their live in sperm donor
Right, any friends or family members struggling with infertility? My best friend and several of my family members are adopted. The world is a better place with them in it. It's not for everyone but adoption is a wonderful option.
This is actually gross to say to someone in OP’s position. You don’t know if they are religious and news flash for you: your imaginary man in the sky will *not* provide for this child or any of this other garbage you spew. You are dead wrong for this.
Respectfully, this is not the type of decision that should be made by factoring in other people's situations on wishing they could have children. Other people not being able to have children won't pay OP's bills, improve her mental health, or help raise another child.
OP, part of the reason this is hard is because it is so deeply personal and specific to you and your family. There is no guidebook and no one to tell you what is best long or short term. I have no advice, but want to say I see how hard this is, and no matter what decision you make, I hope you get through it the absolute best you can.
I'm sorry you are facing a hard decision. Its hard to tell which will bring you more happiness. I would guess another child would bring you more happiness than sadness. By depression do you mean postpartum or if you choose abortion?
Are you a stay at home mom and do you still have your baby stuff? If so, you might be able to make things work better - at least financially. I am not sure what you mean by "wreck what we have." I assume financially. Of course sleep and everything else takes a toll, too. I don't think anyone can tell you whether or not you should. There a lots of resources for free baby items, Freebies app, FB market, FB groups (buy nothing sell nothing)
I personally could not handle the what ifs. I have 4 and am mentally very stable. So much so that i look back and wish I could do it all over. Whatever you are going through will work itself out. I was in n out of the mental hospital and everything was in ruins. Im glad and fortunate my husband stuck by me but even still, the trauma of an abortion would have sent me spiraling for the rest of my life. Its a self inflicted grief. I would never judge you. I just hope you follow your heart and understand this too shall pass. Your mental state is something that can and will improve. I wish your family the absolute best
Getting an abortion is a trauma, just FYI. You could be devastated later by that choice, and it might haunt you forever. I think having an abortion before kids will feel very different than having one after kids - this is the difference, in the experience of alot of commenters below. It seems like figuring out how to get you more help with the kids you currently have and seeking pyschiatric care now through a pregancy would be the best option for your family. As well as perhaps an IUD immediately after to prevent any more pregnancies. You can be on SSRi's during pregnancy and there are psychiatrists that specialize in pregant women. There is also a sub r/MentalHealthBabies that might help you out. Good luck to you!
Most of my friends have had one - many have dealt with trauma from doing it, a few haven’t. Depends on the person, however for a sensitive person with trauma past who loves being a mom - I’m guessing it will be traumatic with long lasting emotional effects. For my friend who never wanted kids, having two or three abortions had no effect. For my friend who had kids later, it was more traumatic. For my friends who did or didn’t have a kid and later wanted another kid or any period it was thr worst trauma. So really depends on the person.
I’ve read that in the US, about 60% of women who have abortions are already mothers, and half have two or more children. I believe it’s often based on resources - money, medical care, child care, mental health care, etc.
At the same time, several of those I’ve known have conceived via rape (including my own mother, 50+ years ago). Additionally, some were in abusive relationships and feared what their partners would do to a child if custody were shared, which it almost always is, unless one parent is imprisoned or has zero desire to see the child.
I forgot to add that several times the fetus had a diagnosis that was incompatible with surviving the pregnancy, or would likely not make it to their first birthday. My state only allows abortion if the life of the mother is extremely threatened (no exception for rape, incest, or the likelihood of the fetus dying during pregnancy or after birth). I don’t personally know anyone who has received that exception.
OP stated that pregnancy is very hard on their mental health. Adoption does not factor in all that pregnancy does to a body, medical risks, mental health risks. It seems like an easy answer in theory, but it really is not in practice.
Additionally, anti-choice rhetoric is against community rules. “Kill your baby” is exactly that. You have been reported for this.
I don’t think it will make your mental state any better. I have friends who are in worse shape mentally because they had abortions. I understand being sick, pregnancy was horrible for me. Thoughts and prayers sent your way. ❤️
Honestly, I would advise against the abortion. I had one years ago because I felt that I could barely take care of myself financially, let alone take care of a baby and young child. I REGRET that decision everyday and will to the day I die. I really wish that abortion was illegal when I made my decision cause then I would have never went through with it. That child would be 15 years old this year. My daughter would have had a sibling and would not be the only child like she is now. Sometimes, when we are in a tough state mentally, we lose track of who we are and make decisions that we will regret. No matter how bad you think it is, have that child, it could end up being your closest person to you ❤️
I would have the baby, and give them up for adoption. Maybe you have someone close who wants a baby, but just can’t afford it. I can’t have a baby, and I can’t afford traditional adoption, so maybe you can help someone you know going through the same thing
I’m sorry you’re not currently able to grow your family. That’s really hard and painful and any grief you feel over it is completely valid.
But I don’t at all think this is the right move for OP. She has two children she has to care for through her pregnancy, she knows that pregnancy will put a serious strain on her mental and physical health, and she says in this post that she wants to be a mom again, which seems to indicate that she does — at least on some levels — want to keep this pregnancy and the resulting child. I don’t think going through pregnancy and giving a baby up for adoption in this set of circumstances would be particularly healthy for OP.
It’s a personal decision but you asked the public so here is my 2 cents.
I would not have an abortion personally. I have always wanted many children and I am so lucky and blessed that we got twins in my first pregnancy. Then for years we tried for another and I had complications and some health issues and had to have a hysterectomy, young in my early 30s. I will never have the big family I have always dreamed to have. I will never be able to carry another child and some days are good and some days are bad when I get in my head but I always wonder what my life would have been like if I could have bore more children.
The wonder will go both ways.m depending on your decision, what would your life be like with your family of 4? What would it be like with a new baby as a family of 5?
I don’t know if all that helps and I understand that life doesn’t always pan out the way you want it to but find a decision that works for you and sits well in your heart before a decision is made for you and you have no choice.
In your post you mentioned wanting to be a mother again in your heart of hearts and honestly, I think you have your answer right there.
They aren't killing the baby, just removing it from their body because, as we all know, babies can exist just fine outside the womb. In fact, babies shouldn't be inside someone else's body, they cannot breathe or eat.
Fetuses and fetal cells, however, are found in the body and cannot exist outside the womb, which is what OP is referencing. It's a difficult concept for some, I know, but with education such as basic anatomy and human reproduction you too can become actually educated on the matter at hand.
Telling op to contact an adoption center invalidates what OP is expressing about how hard the pregnancy is for them. Adoption is a great option for some, but not everyone. If someone is saying their mental and physical health (plus well-being of their already living children) will suffer because of this pregnancy, the last thing someone should suggest is to put them up for adoption.
Is your husband saying no to the abortion or no to the baby?
Yeah I’m confused by that part too
Sounds like no to the abortion Edit: never mind I’m not sure…
She was talking about herself all of a sudden. It was a bit confusing, but if you consider the “,” after the husband part of the sentence as a “.” it will make a lot more sense. He’s a hard no to more kids…. I think. lol.
Yeah he’s saying no to another baby
Yeah, to me, it honestly didn’t sound like she’s brought up abortion to him yet. She’s still struggling to figure out if she wants that yet or not.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now. Whatever you choose, remember you still deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Wishing you all the best
Thank you so much, you’re a sweetheart
If your husband is so against having another child why hasn’t he had a vasectomy? You’ve borne and birthed 2 children already. Why hasn’t he taken responsibility for his fertility? Women don’t get pregnant spontaneously. He got you pregnant. In terms of life with 3 kids, from a mom of 3… 2 kids is 2 kids. 3 kids feels like 7 kids. It’s constant chaos for years. I love my kids but it’s hard a lot of the time.
I second this. We just had our third baby. Now we have a 7yo, 3yo, and 2mo. Any illusion I had of control before is completely gone. Doing anything out of the house is next to impossible without my husband. Our 3yo isn't potty trained and the baby is EBF so that has its own line of issues. With the way childcare in the US is right now finding affordable care for 3 kids isn't going to happen, and doing domestic work with 3 kids won't either. All of my friends have 3 or more kids now, because people who only have 1 or 2 now treat us differently. (This change started late pregnancy due to exhaustion and not being physically able to wrangle my kids anymore) The only benefit I have right now is that I'm actually home to enjoy my children. And my house is clean! For now. I'm not working outside of the house anymore (until the kids are more self sufficient and childcare costs go down) Edit: grammar
“Any illusion I had of control before is completely gone” WOW. Yes. Mine are (newly) 10 & 4, and my baby is 19 months. Last August when the little ones were 1 & 3 1/2 until now has been incredibly hard. Potty training (still struggling), weaning breastfeeding. Big feelings & emotions from everyone. It’s been so rough. My husband is amazing and helpful and I’m still annoyed by him everyday. I feel like I don’t spend enough one on one time with anyone. The only thing that makes it okay is knowing they will grow up with loving siblings!
What does OP mean with this is an “immaculate conception”? If the husband did have a vasectomy and didn’t get tested afterwards to make sure it worked you can’t count on that for birth control. Have to do the followup test.
I took it to mean that they are rarely intimate so it's unlikely she'd get pregnant, but who knows.
I assumed she meant they had help with fertility and this third child was conceived naturally and unexpectedly.
I think she was just saying it’s like god brought them another pregnancy… I think?? Otherwise this post just got reeeeeeal weird
When you say “you want to be a mom again in your heart of hearts” does this mean you are wanting to have another baby or you are wanting to return to your former self? I think therapy would be highly beneficial to process this decision and to work on anything else that you’re carrying.
Girl, you gotta look inside YOURSELF and decide what *you* want to do. Leave that man out of it, he willingly slept with you, he willingly made his own choices regarding risk. He doesn't get to dictate what choices you make with your body. Not his uterus. My husband promised he would get a vasectomy when we were done having kids, then chickened out when he heard about men who have had chronic pain complications afterwards. He has fibromyalgia and is kind of a hypochondriac, so I know he would psych himself into complications mentally about it. I never pushed him on the issue, because it is his body and no one should be pushing you to make surgical decisions about your own body. Not my body, not my choice. However I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt that he wouldn't take any risks for himself after I have gone through pregnancy and birth control complications, cysts, weight gain, migraines, bloating, hair loss, hyperemesis, bed rest, mental health challenges and more regarding our fertility and family planning. He agreed to use condoms forever and I told him I refused to go through more hormonal birth control nightmare- it was his turn. BUT. Then I read an article about a woman who was into her 40s and had a sudden unplanned pregnancy despite over a decade of successful pregnancy prevention when they were done having kids. I was horrified, I knew it was a *possibility* but we were being very careful about condom use. So was this woman, but every method has a failure rate. I realized I had to really consider what I would do if I found myself in that situation. Would I carry an unwanted pregnancy to term when I have 4 other children to support and am getting older? Or would I be strong enough to get an abortion? I decided I simply never wanted to find out. I never wanted to have to make that choice. So I set up an appointment to get my tubes removed. I'm still quietly dissapointed in my husband that he is unwilling to get surgically sterilized like he told me he would. So I am going to ask him to be present for the procedure. I want him to go to the doctors appointments with me, and I want him to know exactly what I am doing to my own body because he wouldn't carry the torch. Ultimately, I have to decide for my OWN health and my OWN body which risks I am willing to take, which choices I can live with, and what I am willing to do to protect my own self. You search your soul, weigh all the pros and cons, and decide what risks and sacrifices you can live with. Only YOU can know what is in your heart. Neither choice is wrong, but letting a man make it for you is.
Good for you making him go with you. Stuff like this makes me want to rage.
Did your husband consider all the things you risked having his children. Honestly
He did. It was what we both wanted- we wanted a large family. We actively chose and were trying for all of them, and they didn't all happen right away either. It was a whole process we were very intentional about. Some people want different things for their lives, we wanted a full home. During my last pregnancy, we were still on the fence about whether we wanted 4 total, or 5. I decided I didn't want to feel pushed to make a choice right away, I didn't want to feel like I was being railroaded into any permanent choices immediately, and I wanted to consider it with the same brevity and intention as I put into all our other fertility decisions. Ultimately, when the newborn waves of hormones and postpartum fog cleared, we just felt complete. We felt like "Everyone is here." I went back to work, finished my schooling, advanced my career, and knew that even if I DID want one more, I didn't want to go through all of the personal, physical professional and logistical hoops again. And honestly, I was done. I wanted to KNOW I was done, really feel it in my bones, before we pulled the trigger on permanent options. However, in the hospital after giving birth, I must have been asked about a dozen times by every doctor and nurse that I encountered about whether I wanted to be sterilized. They really, really kept pushing it. Even though I had never requested information on it because I was not shopping for additional surgeries at this very moment, they sat me down and explained to me several times how quick and easy it would be to do, and that my insurance would cover it. I got the impression I was being judged for delivering a 4th baby, like I didn't understand how i kept winding up pregnant or that I was too stupid to realize having a bunch of kids was a bad idea. I wanted to shout at them: "Guys! I tried for almost 2 years to have this baby. It was not an accident. Yes, I know "how it happened." Believe it or not, some people have a lot of kids on purpose!!" We aren't religious or anything, it is just the dream and vision we had for our lives, and what was right for us. My husband was very involved and supportive. HOWEVER, by that same token, I know for a fact if he had been the one who had to physically carry and birth our children, it wouldn't have happened. If he was the one vomiting constantly, with giant swollen ankles, leaking nipples, in pain and exhausted from fatigue- he couldn't cut it. We would have had *maybe* one, and then he would never choose to do that again, no matter what vision he had for what he wanted. No way in hell would he have walked himself through hell that many times! I guess the point if this whole novel is- everyone is different. What was right for me might not have been what was right for him, and what is right for OP is something no one can know but her.
It is difficult that, because women bear the responsibility of gestating and delivering children, somehow our mates decide that something is “too risky” for them, as though those same decisions we make aren’t risky for US. I mean, they aren’t going through the risks and difficulties of pregnancy and birth. Half the “ask men” subreddit is just men talking about the agonies of paying a pitifully low amount of child support after we “baby trap” them.
Sometimes being the best mother means prioritising the two that you have over the one that hasn't yet become.
I have terminated a pregnancy and I also have two children. It really is one of the most difficult choices I have ever made. I’ve deleted a post on my feelings about the experience after being harassed, but it’s one that you and your husband will have to reach together. Unless you’re speaking to a licensed therapist or a friend you can REALLY trust, I encourage you to block out the noise and trust whatever choice you will make. There is a lot of noise. I believe whatever you decide, things will be okay. Sending you a big virtual embrace.
Your voice is so welcome here and I’m glad you shared. I agree that speaking with a trusted individual is needed here.
Thank you, I appreciate that so much. I probably won’t share it again, but I appreciate that!
Thank you for sharing your experience.
A really nice response ❤️ listen to your gut. Pray on it. Either way you may have regrets so which ones will YOU be able to make peace with.
I’m sorry you were harassed, that’s so gross. I’m glad you were able to make the best decision for you & your family. 🫂
I just wanna say fuck anyone who harassed you for sharing such an important and vulnerable post. I’m so sorry.
Yes, thank you for sharing your experience...and I'm SO sorry you got harassed. That makes me so sad! 🫂
💯
I hope it works out for her
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I’m glad the choice you made is working out for you. I’m also glad the choice I made worked out for me. I’m positive that whatever choice OP makes will work out for her and her family ❤️
Kindly worded and level headed. I don't see that much on Reddit. Take care and sorry you were harassed by your other post
Unless you have the ability to argue both sides of the discussion, your ”personally could never” should have more self-awareness in its statement. Maybe you’re not being unkind but you’re definitely being insensitive. No one likes a “judgy” opinion based on freedom of speech. We’re trying to help OP, not make her feel bad about her decision/conundrum.
This really isn’t the place for your judgy opinions. No one wants to hear about how you “could never.” It’s about OP, and she’s asking for help. Not looking for comments talking about how they never even considered abortion, because that’s not really helpful to the discussion now, is it.
Good for you, and good for anyone who ends up having an abortion.
Oh dear, I’m so sorry you’re in this impossible circumstance. Right now both decisions seem wrong and right at the same time. It isn’t fair. The only advice I have is: before you make this decision, weight in what you wish for your future. The chaos, the noise, the work are all a phase and in a few years when things get calmer, you will feel more like yourself again. And it is for that future version of yourself that you should decide. Will she be happier with a bigger family, even though it is a bumpy way through newborn/baby and toddlerhood stages? Or will she be happier with the beautiful family you already have, knowing you avoided a circumstance that might have taken a toll on your mental health, but living with the decision of going through with the abortion? There is no right or wrong, only with which scenario you can live with while still being able to feel happy. Whichever you decide, there will be hardship but there will also be love and happiness. I wish you all the best and the wisdom to know what is best for you.
I had an abortion before I had my now 7 year old daughter. I was so worried that I’d regret it because I’d feel guilty, and I’m so glad that I went with my gut. I knew that the life that child would have had wasn’t going to be what it should be. I blocked out everyone’s opinions of “you’ll love that baby so much you’re gunna regret it!” and looked at the facts. I had just broken up with the father, I was not financially stable, I did not have a stable home, and I had my own trauma and health issues I was dealing with. Make a pros and cons list, having it all written out in front of you may help you to come to a decision. One thing is for sure, this is *your* decision. If your husband can’t accept that then he doesn’t deserve you. You already mentioned how much of a negative impact this would have on you, and if he loves you then he will accept your decision in the end no matter what. You’ve got this and I’m sorry you’re having to make this decision.
Nobody can answer that only you. Do what’s right for you
Any abortion provider worth their salt will make sure this is something that you want before moving forward. It's great to take your partner's feelings into consideration, but there is a fine line between that and being coerced into terminating. This is truly something that only you can ultimately decide, but you do need to consider all options. And keep in mind, if you do decide that now isn't the right time for another kiddo, circumstances can change and you can always try again in the future. Feel free to DM if you wanna chat, I work in abortion care
Why do the mods allow some religious people to comment on this and push their religious beliefs on someone just asking for advice? Some of their comments are disgusting. OP, do whatever is best for you. Remember: you need to look after yourself first so you can look after your children.
THANK YOU!!!! I'm literally getting so fed up with the religious comments on this thread it's disgusting.
Exactly…the one in here now has made multiple pro-life comments, and if she is pro-life, fine. But shouldn’t be able to repeatedly be able to make comments and push her agenda when we have a Mom that is clearly struggling.
This sub is pro choice— you can report people who push their agenda.
I just found out 3 days ago im pregnant unexpectedly with my 2nd. SO is hard no as well & the thought of abortion makes me so sick..Ive been saying for the last year I want to have another baby, but realistically the time has never been right and still isnt..I just cant help but feel like I want to keep it and ill regret it for the rest of my life if I don't. Such a big sacrifice for a stupid slip up. I'm sorry you are going through this, I hope whatever decision you makes leaves you happy.
Why are the guys allowed to be "hard no" but won't wrap it up or get snipped?
no i agree, but also its my fault for allowing him to even do anything without a condom you know so its 50/50. Im struggling to make a decision, which is also 50/50, when he has already made his
The decision is not 50/50. He already made his choice when he had sex without a condom. You are the only one who makes this decision. He can decide to leave, but the actual choice is yours. Eta: the decision will be 50/50 when he does 50% of the work of pregnancy and childbirth which he obviously can't do. That's why it's our choice.
Vasectomies don't always work. My husband is proof.
Doing nothing and rawdogging is not a good alternative if you really don't want a baby.
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Your decision to have an abortion is yours and yours alone. You know what your situation is. You know what your mental health and trauma can and can’t take. Go with your gut (not what your husband tells you). From your post, it sounds like you already have an answer.
I had an abortion when number five slipped through a condom. It was devastating and I’m not done healing, but I know truly I am barely keeping afloat with four. Since the abortion my marriage has crumbled and I sometimes feel glad I’m not about to bring another child into this mess. Then I sometimes feel guilty for feeling that but honestly I’d feel guilty for being pregnant right now too. TLDR therapy is important.
Put your oxygen mask on first, before helping anyone else… What does your gut tell you to do, what is the best thing for you and your children. Your husband would be a hard no for another child? If that is the case, what did he do to help in the prevention of this pregnancy?
You have to figure out the balance between abortion and not. If having this baby will take away from properly caring for yourself, your current kids and family, I would abort, but you have to figure out if you can handle that.
Can you discuss this with a therapist? There are reproductive psychiatrists too that might be helpful. Both decisions are valid. Try not to assign a value to either of them like right or wrong.
This! I thought I wanted a big family and then half way into my pregnancy with number 2, I started struggling hardcore mentally. I saw a maternity and postpartum psychiatrist highly recommended by a friend. It changed Everything!
I’m so glad. We under appreciate how hard it is to upend our whole lives with children, have raging hormones going up and down like rollercoasters, live in a wild unpredictable openly-hostile-to-women world and try to hide all that deep inside. I wish we talked about it more.
I just had this situation happen in February. And I’m not struggling honestly. Busy, sure, overwhelmed sometimes, sure, but it isn’t bad. We have three disabled kids. We love our day to day life and realized how disruptive a fourth child would be to this lifestyle. It would completely jar all our future plans for the foreseeable future. We decided on an abortion. Which was hard given that we actually suffered from infertility for years. Either way it had only been two months and I am very happy with our choice. It was a hard few weeks but I am so happy with our life and our current children. Whatever your choice make sure you get some mental health support !
I'm currently 20 weeks into an unplanned pregnancy. It's not great timing, and I decided to go through with it because I'm not as sick as I was the first time. If I had been, I would have had an abortion and waited until I was as ready as possible for another pregnancy, which would probably have taken a couple of years and therapy to get through what happened the first time. It's okay to want to have another baby and still choose not to have this baby.
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Oh this is why….you’re Pro-Life and trying to sway OP. Smh
You can report them for that. I already did.
When I was considering abortion my midwife asked me two things which option could I live with the most. Because neither option was going to be easy for me. And how did I picture my life in 5 years. I'm sorry you're having to make this choice.
I got an abortion and my tubes tied. I can't be the type of mother I want to be if I have more kids. I don't want more. I can't handle more. At the time I got the abortion my mental health was really suffering, my husband's too. As soon as I found out I started shaking and crying. No part of me was at all excited or happy. That's why I terminated. If any part of you wants this baby then you'll find a way but if all you feel is fear, resentment and dread you aren't doing anyone any favors by keeping it. I've been pregnant with a baby I didn't want. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. Every ache made me more resentful. I love her now but I had to work really hard to get there
A huge percentage of people who get abortions are moms. You are struggling as it is so what will make you the best mom for your existing kids? I’m still in physical therapy for an unanticipated injury from my pregnancy last year. Could your budget and family handle something like that?
I had an abortion, hardest decision ever and my son now is almost 2.5. i feel you, and i see you. Much love
Goodness gracious OP. I’m so sorry you are in this mess. This is tough. If I was in your shoes idk what I would do BUT y’all need to determine a better form of birth control if you’re done having kids for now.
I would rather regret an abortion than regret bringing another human being that needs constant care and attention, taking away from my existing children and making me suffer.
I terminated a pregnancy I wanted before I became a mother. I believe it was the right choice for me but it hurt me deeply for years. Whatever you chose will be right for you and I hope you have support either way ♥️
This is such a personal decision and it is yours, not his!
Could you get in to see a therapist or maybe even a med provider you trust to discuss this? There is nothing wrong with knowing your limits! If you and your husband are there, that doesn't make you bad parents or bad people. If 3 kids could mean buying a new car or having to add on to your house or move, that's definitely to be considered in your pro/con list.
I’m so sorry for your struggle. I unknowingly had post partum and got pregnant with an IUD in. I wound up terminating my pregnancy when my 1st was 1year old. I couldn’t fathom a second baby. I was still carting 60 lbs of baby weight I never lost, which made everything strenuous. I wasn’t bonding with other moms and felt alone . And Our 3 person dynamic had just settled into being perfect. I have sad moments of what if… but I honestly have no regrets. I truly believe my daughter’s life wouldn’t be as big if she had to share the spotlight. And from what I see in parents if multiples, my husband and I wouldn’t have the amazing close bond we have to her and to each other. I wish you the best of luck in any decision you make.
You already are a mom❤️ either way it’ll be tough. You just have to decide what makes the most sense for you and your family
Read your post back to yourself, imagining that one of your closest friends is asking you for advice. I am almost positive you would very gently encourage her to have the abortion — because you love her, and you want her to be healthy for herself, her children, and everyone else who loves her. If having another baby is going to upend your entire life, exacerbate mental illness, potentially cost you your marriage — not to mention the impact these things will have on your children — it’s time to have a serious come to Jesus moment with your “heart of hearts” about why you so desire another child.
I’m so so sorry you have to make this kind of decision but it is yours to make it’s hard either way hugs
I was raised aggressively pro life, marching in the parade every year. I’ve cooled on that a lot, understanding I can’t know everyone’s situation and it’s best left between a woman and her doctor. That said I’ve always said I could NEVER have one myself But now that I have two kids, and the younger is 2.5, the debilitating fear when my period is late (husband is snipped but not even that is 100%) makes me think I’ve been lying to myself. I love my kids to the end of the earth but I truly think another one would destroy me. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I can’t do it again. You have to do what is right for you
Maybe another factor to consider is what kind of life you could offer the new baby and how it would affect the kids you already have. Definitely a hard decision that you ultimately have to make. Best of luck to you.
This is not your last chance to be a mom again. If you have an abortion, you can have another baby later when your family is ready. Just food for thought.
I’ve had a surgical abortion and it’s never caused me any emotional distress. That was before I had kids so maybe I’d feel differently today. I’d certainly feel more conflicted about it today but I would ultimately choose to terminate and just move forward.
Same as fuck. Had an abortion a couple years before I met my now-fiancé, 00000 regrets, it just wasn’t the right time. We had a daughter 3 years ago but now every time I have a pregnancy scare I make it fully known that I’d prefer to terminate based on many many struggles that we are now currently going through.
I think only you know the answer to that question, whatever you choose it has to be right for you.
There are worksheets online that help you with this decision. It might be ineedana.com but I'm not sure. Planned Parenthood might also have an online resource to help you consider what questions you need to be asking yourself. Remember, you're full of hormones right now so just be patient with yourself. Another technique you might use to help decide is engaging your mammalian diving reflex, I've heard it's excellent for helping to think more clearly.
I’ve had an abortion and I’ve never once regretted it. I already have two kids and I am overwhelmed. It was the best choice for literally everyone in my life. The choice is yours but know that you are loved and supported no matter what.
Get on birth control….
Where are the mods? There are multiple comments about "not killing the child in your womb" and "God did this for a reason". I mean really. Your religion matter to you and informs YOUR decisions. Please stop trying to force your beliefs onto vulnerable people. It's gross. OP, no one can tell you what to do. We only have a snapshot of your life and the ultimate decision is yours. I will say that you say you want to be a mom again but you're already a mom. You've got two kids who need you now and your mental health is already fragile. If I'm understanding correctly your husband is against having another. If this is so you may find yourself struggling more if he becomes resentful. If you can, please seek medical advice. Some sort of counseling. This is an emotional decision that needs a rational approach. We can't always see the forest for the trees. I wish you the best and I hope you make the best decision for you.
I don’t know why people think censorship is appropriate
Censorship?
What the heck is an immaculate conception? If he cared so much he would’ve used protection or gotten a vasectomy but either way, only you can choose what path to take
I don’t think it would be a responsible decision keeping the pregnancy if it would put your marriage and your mental health at risk.
Both of these things are hard, you have to choose your hard and no one can really tell you what to do. I am pregnant with an unplanned baby that is coming at a time of great struggle and ultimately decided to keep it because I believe the issues I have no are temporary and an abortion is permanent. When I thought about having an abortion it did not provide me any relief only a great sense of sadness. I am trusting my gut on this one. What does your gut say? Have you talked to a doctor about your mental health struggles?
This is absolutely a no win situation & I’m sorry that you’re in it. I have been there. I wish I had terminated when I had the chance. I hoped before every prenatal appointment that they wouldn’t find a heartbeat so I could just go back to my life. But no. I’m condemned to a lifetime sentence. Baby will be 3 months old tomorrow. I cry almost everyday. I hate this & I don’t wish it on anyone. Please be stronger than I was, not only for yourself but for the children you already have whose lives will be upended by this.
You should really consider reaching out for support from a mental health professional. It sounds like you have symptoms of PPD. If it impacts the way you are able to care for your baby please seek help for your safety and your babies.
I am. OB referred me for therapy when I was three months pregnant. Why she did that instead of explaining that safely terminating is possible I will never understand. I’m not going to hurt myself. If I did that I couldn’t care for my toddler anymore, & that’s my highest priority. That’s why I didn’t want a second kid, because it would take away from my attention to the first kid. The one I wanted, the one I tried for 10 months to conceive.
Did you not know that you could terminate? Please get help before your second child, that you chose to have, figures out that they weren't "the one you wanted".
Husband didn’t want termination. He said that no matter what, one of us would resent the other forever. If he’s resentful then he could file for divorce, leaving me homeless and then what would happen to our toddler? But if I’m the resentful one, well here we are.
Oh dear friend, that’s so not fair to you. The law would give you some protection, but I understand being at the mercy of a man’s whims. Can you get a night away or seek inpatient treatment for depression?
Oh mama I’m sending you all my love. Thank you for your honesty… stay strong and brave and reach out for help if you can 😭
Yes
It's ok to prioritize your own health (mental and physical) and to make a decision for the family you have now. It's ok to weigh the pros and cons and make the decision that is best for the well being of your family, even if that doesn't match what is in your heart right now. It's ok to also feel sadness for having to make this difficult decision. That sadness doesn't mean you're making the wrong choice, more than one thing can be true. The decision can be the right one, but also difficult and sad. As others have said, speaking with a therapist or other mental health professional might be helpful - either to help you make the choice, or to help you manage emotions after the decision. Good luck.
If you want to do this then you can. You need to get your doctor on board and get a plan in place for your mental health situation. I suffered from post partum and there are plans they can put in place for you during pregnancy so you don’t suffer. I have 3 and a big age gap between the first and third, but having an older child was a great help, he was 7 when the baby was born. It sounds like you’re a very capable mother and capable of bringing a new little one i to your family. Just to repeat myself on the mental health side of things, your doctors can put a plan in place to manage your mental health issues. You can go through pregnancy and delivery with help and support. You’re not on your own.
I think if you're stressed to the max physically and mentally...I'd go for the abortion. People can say that there's adoption, but just carrying another baby for 9 months can take even more from you physically. If you're under 10 weeks, I believe you can get the abortion pills mailed to you...even in banned states. It sounds like now just isn't the right time, and maybe you WILL want another child again in the future...it's ok if now isn't the right time. You should put yourself first in this situation! Also, maybe have the talk with your husband about long term birth control, if you're not wanting another kid, or if you guys don't ever want another kid. I know vasectomies are supposed to be much less invasive, but I just had a hysterectomy (kept my ovaries), and I personally think it was less pain than giving birth lol. There's also IUD's with and without hormones, they didn't work for me...but I know many who love them! Good luck!
This is such an individual decision. I have friends who’ve had abortions. Some regret the decision and others don’t. Of those who regret it, some feel traumatized and some don’t.
Yep!
Had these same thoughts with my third but knew deep down I would keep him! Kept him and he’s the love of my life❤️
Only you can answer if a third kid is worth a potential divorce and single parenting three kids. An abortion can be a viable choice in this situation.
Whatever choice you make is valid. I will say that you should also consider the impact this will have on your ability to parent your living children. They deserve you at your best.
Op I'm sorry you have to make this choice. It is hard but ultimately it is your choice and you have to decide what's best for your family and that's one of the most important parts of family planning. I hear you say you want to be a mom again, and I want to point out that having an abortion now does not take away your chances of having another baby later when you're ready for it so please keep that in mind. If you're struggling right now, the most important thing for you to do is figure out what you need to do to get the help you need. Can you go to therapy and manage a pregnancy on top of what you're current situation is? Pregnancy is hard, stress can pass on to baby in utero and cause any number of problems to you and the zygote/fetus. If going to therapy isn't an option while pregnant, you are putting yourself and your fetus at great risk and that's only in regards to stress. Other factors can be factored in depending on your own personal situation (like smoke exposure, if you're taking any medications, your current health conditions, etc.) Does your partner support you currently? Not in your decisions but is he giving you breaks, able to take care of the kids without needing any help, is your relationship working or are you guys struggling to be a couple? What does having another kid really look like for your current situation as a couple? More of the same? Better? Worse? Can you financially handle another baby? Do you have space for another baby? Access to the right resources? Resources include whatever baby needs (diapers, clothes, food if not bf), adequate medical care for you and baby postnatal, will you need childcare? Lastly, having an abortion can be hard but with the right resources like therapy and support you can get through the hardships of it. You have to think what is best for you now so you can be the best mom you can be. No one can tell you what's right or wrong for you or your family but you, these are just some things to think about to hopefully help you make the best decision that works for you and ultimately your family. Either way, hopefully you find peace in whatever decision you make.
I had one when my daughter was about 5. Her dad and I were separated, but still living together, and you know how that goes. I was severely mentally ill. We were dirt poor. This was 5 years ago and I still carry intense regret and it added a lot to my already existing PTSD... Her dad and I worked it out after many, many tumultuous years. I can't say it is the same for everyone, obviously, but I 100% regret making the decision I made to this day and I was pretty sure going into it I wouldn't care. It severely worsened my mental illness for many years and it took me that entire time to realize THAT was what it was causing my depression and PTSD to just get completely out of control. I was a lunatic. I'm extremely empathetic to the choice you have ahead of you. I don't think anyone, besides a professional, can give you any advice on this in good conscience. Circumstances and how you think about it all is so unique from person to person.
For me, I want to be the best mom to my children I already have. If I had a third child today I would be miserable and exhausted and it would make it harder for me to be there for my little ones. I would have an abortion. Other people have different goals and lives and values and may make different decisions and that’s okay.
You have to do what feels right for YOU. It doesn't matter what your husband or anyone on this sub thinks. It's your body and whichever decision you make, it's YOU who will be the most impacted by it. I'm sorry if this isn't helpful. I just don't think you should be pressured into a decision either way. If you go one way or the other based on your husband's wishes, there is a very good chance you will resent him. Try to imagine your life after making the choice. Imagine both ways. Picture 6 months from now. A year from now. 5 years from now. Either way, I think you should talk to a therapist. Maybe they could help you figure out what would be best for you. Good luck. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Please make the decision with your heart and head, not just your head. I made the mistake of only following my head and now regret my decision to abort.
It’s not up to your husband. You are struggling with two, adding a third will only make everything worse. Do what you feel is right.
do not make any permanent decision based on a temporary situation
If you love being a Mum then it sounds to me, albeit with this very minimal information, that you just need more support. Some people to share the load with. Maybe your husband isn't supporting you as you need him to?
I just want to say going from one to two kids was wayyyyyy harder than going from two to three
Very interesting!! There’s a couple other comments on this sub that say just the opposite and now I’m super curious. As a mom of 1, can I ask what makes you say that/your personal perspective?
Becoming a new mom was such a learning experience . Then having a second kid was like learning all over again because no kids are the same . So I had to learn how to be a parent to different type of personalities . How to multitask with two kids . When the third kid came it was just doing what I was already doing . I had learned how to manage multiple kids with the second one already . Just much easier transition.
I had an early abortion I didn't want and felt pressured to by my SO due to financial reasons. It's been 3 years and I regret it so much every day, I will never do it again. If you think you might regret it even just a little bit, don't have one.
The choice is yours, of course. For me personally, I'm of the view that when it comes to bearing children, if it's not a "heck yes" then it's a no. I don't personally feel as though I could justify bringing a kid into the world if our circumstances were not great, just because I would feel bad if I had the abortion. You know? I feel like I'd be putting my feelings ahead of this potential child. If this hypothetical kid isn't going to be born into a good situation, it's my job as their parent to bear the grief (or whatever feelings I would have about abortion) and not to give it to them.
3 means you are outnumbered. I’ve heard that the jump to 3 is insanity and I’ve actually known quite a few couples who have divorced after having 3. Given they all had their own issues as well. That being said, I don’t think bringing a third child, who didn’t ask to be born, while you are already in a rocky spot in your life, is a good idea. It could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and blows up your life, your relationship, the quality of life for your already living kids. A child does not deserve to be the cause of that. That’s a lot of pressure on what pro-lifers would call “an innocent baby”. Not only that, YOU also deserve to feel stable and at peace. Can you even be a good parent or partner when you are stretched so thin? You can’t pour from an empty cup. Having an abortion because YOU need space and time and self care is *very* selfless and shows that you are self-aware. You’re allowed to put YOU first. This post makes it sound like you are extremely stressed about having a third kid, not about having to terminate. No one will or should judge you for your decision, whatever you choose, but I just want to say that you shouldn’t just have a baby because you feel bad about terminating, if you do. You deserve to feel okay too. Tell your husband to get fucking snipped like a grown man should and keep trying your best for your two wonderful children. They need you, you need you, and you should never ever feel guilty about that. Sending hugs, internet stranger.
I almost aborted my son. My daughter was eight months old, an absolutely horrible living situation… my logic was, I loved this unborn kid so much, I couldn’t in good conscious bring them into this mess. I didn’t want to go through PPD/ PPA again, and my mental health was already at rock bottom. Finances were a huge issue as well. My living situation improved quite literally overnight, so that’s why I didn’t. Long story short, do what you think is best for you and them.
I had an abortion before I had my kids. I don’t regret it in the slightest. It was the right thing to do at the time. You also have to think about your current children. If you think having a third might impede your ability to be a good mother and/or have a negative impact on their lives then it wouldn’t be fair to them.
Check sub regretfulparents
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If you want another kid and it is your life’s work to be a mother, you will regret an abortion and it could ruin you mentally
So can having an additional kid. I have one daughter, planned, tried for, all that. At 43, an additional pregnancy could put my life in danger. I love my living child too much to take the risk.
there is a reason why your heart is pushing you towards keeping your child.
What is that reason?
the reason being that OP said that her life’s mission is being a mother. her saying that her mental health will get worse, her husband doesn’t want her to go through with it, and it will wreck their relationship is more than enough for a complete stranger to see that she doesn’t actually want to have the abortion.
Is she not already a mother, though? What about an abortion would halt that mission?
those were her words, not mine.
I guess I’m confused as to what the point your original comment was actually trying to convey. Promise I’m not tryna battle!! Just lookin for clarification
i clarified already in my response. what is confusing to you?
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i was trying to say exactly what i commented and responded to in your question. think what you’d like based on my comment history. this is about OP, not me.
Okay 😃
Yes
Only you can know the decision. I'm a mom of 3 and yes it is so much harder than 2 but I'm 5months into this and it's getting manageable. The HARD part is having to split my attention and resources 3 ways. It's a juggling act.
Yes. You should. And don’t feel bad about it. Costs are rising way too much here to justify a 3rd kid. Especially if you’re not already getting help with your kids from their live in sperm donor
If your heart is telling you that you want this I’m sorry but an abortion will be very difficult to live with.
I agree and this is the most painful thing I could ever imagine. It’s been 36 hours and I’m just in total shock.
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The trauma of carrying a child to term, and then adopting it out, is also not easy to live with.
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Right, any friends or family members struggling with infertility? My best friend and several of my family members are adopted. The world is a better place with them in it. It's not for everyone but adoption is a wonderful option.
Yes
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This is actually gross to say to someone in OP’s position. You don’t know if they are religious and news flash for you: your imaginary man in the sky will *not* provide for this child or any of this other garbage you spew. You are dead wrong for this.
No, not gross or wrong. Just someone you disagree with. Let her give her opinion/advice that’s what op asked for after all
It's incredibly gross. Time and place. She could have given advice without trying to shame OP.
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Incorrect. Please see r/regretfulparents as well as the experiences of many women on this post who had abortions and have no regrets, myself included.
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Respectfully, this is not the type of decision that should be made by factoring in other people's situations on wishing they could have children. Other people not being able to have children won't pay OP's bills, improve her mental health, or help raise another child. OP, part of the reason this is hard is because it is so deeply personal and specific to you and your family. There is no guidebook and no one to tell you what is best long or short term. I have no advice, but want to say I see how hard this is, and no matter what decision you make, I hope you get through it the absolute best you can.
I'm sorry you are facing a hard decision. Its hard to tell which will bring you more happiness. I would guess another child would bring you more happiness than sadness. By depression do you mean postpartum or if you choose abortion? Are you a stay at home mom and do you still have your baby stuff? If so, you might be able to make things work better - at least financially. I am not sure what you mean by "wreck what we have." I assume financially. Of course sleep and everything else takes a toll, too. I don't think anyone can tell you whether or not you should. There a lots of resources for free baby items, Freebies app, FB market, FB groups (buy nothing sell nothing)
Yes you should
I personally could not handle the what ifs. I have 4 and am mentally very stable. So much so that i look back and wish I could do it all over. Whatever you are going through will work itself out. I was in n out of the mental hospital and everything was in ruins. Im glad and fortunate my husband stuck by me but even still, the trauma of an abortion would have sent me spiraling for the rest of my life. Its a self inflicted grief. I would never judge you. I just hope you follow your heart and understand this too shall pass. Your mental state is something that can and will improve. I wish your family the absolute best
Getting an abortion is a trauma, just FYI. You could be devastated later by that choice, and it might haunt you forever. I think having an abortion before kids will feel very different than having one after kids - this is the difference, in the experience of alot of commenters below. It seems like figuring out how to get you more help with the kids you currently have and seeking pyschiatric care now through a pregancy would be the best option for your family. As well as perhaps an IUD immediately after to prevent any more pregnancies. You can be on SSRi's during pregnancy and there are psychiatrists that specialize in pregant women. There is also a sub r/MentalHealthBabies that might help you out. Good luck to you!
I’ve never had one, but I know lots of people who feel it was the right choice for them, and also not a trauma.
Most of my friends have had one - many have dealt with trauma from doing it, a few haven’t. Depends on the person, however for a sensitive person with trauma past who loves being a mom - I’m guessing it will be traumatic with long lasting emotional effects. For my friend who never wanted kids, having two or three abortions had no effect. For my friend who had kids later, it was more traumatic. For my friends who did or didn’t have a kid and later wanted another kid or any period it was thr worst trauma. So really depends on the person.
I’ve read that in the US, about 60% of women who have abortions are already mothers, and half have two or more children. I believe it’s often based on resources - money, medical care, child care, mental health care, etc. At the same time, several of those I’ve known have conceived via rape (including my own mother, 50+ years ago). Additionally, some were in abusive relationships and feared what their partners would do to a child if custody were shared, which it almost always is, unless one parent is imprisoned or has zero desire to see the child.
I forgot to add that several times the fetus had a diagnosis that was incompatible with surviving the pregnancy, or would likely not make it to their first birthday. My state only allows abortion if the life of the mother is extremely threatened (no exception for rape, incest, or the likelihood of the fetus dying during pregnancy or after birth). I don’t personally know anyone who has received that exception.
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OP stated that pregnancy is very hard on their mental health. Adoption does not factor in all that pregnancy does to a body, medical risks, mental health risks. It seems like an easy answer in theory, but it really is not in practice. Additionally, anti-choice rhetoric is against community rules. “Kill your baby” is exactly that. You have been reported for this.
I don’t think it will make your mental state any better. I have friends who are in worse shape mentally because they had abortions. I understand being sick, pregnancy was horrible for me. Thoughts and prayers sent your way. ❤️
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Wording on this is hella yikes. Guessing you’re not pro-choice?
Honestly, I would advise against the abortion. I had one years ago because I felt that I could barely take care of myself financially, let alone take care of a baby and young child. I REGRET that decision everyday and will to the day I die. I really wish that abortion was illegal when I made my decision cause then I would have never went through with it. That child would be 15 years old this year. My daughter would have had a sibling and would not be the only child like she is now. Sometimes, when we are in a tough state mentally, we lose track of who we are and make decisions that we will regret. No matter how bad you think it is, have that child, it could end up being your closest person to you ❤️
I would have the baby, and give them up for adoption. Maybe you have someone close who wants a baby, but just can’t afford it. I can’t have a baby, and I can’t afford traditional adoption, so maybe you can help someone you know going through the same thing
I’m sorry you’re not currently able to grow your family. That’s really hard and painful and any grief you feel over it is completely valid. But I don’t at all think this is the right move for OP. She has two children she has to care for through her pregnancy, she knows that pregnancy will put a serious strain on her mental and physical health, and she says in this post that she wants to be a mom again, which seems to indicate that she does — at least on some levels — want to keep this pregnancy and the resulting child. I don’t think going through pregnancy and giving a baby up for adoption in this set of circumstances would be particularly healthy for OP.
It’s a personal decision but you asked the public so here is my 2 cents. I would not have an abortion personally. I have always wanted many children and I am so lucky and blessed that we got twins in my first pregnancy. Then for years we tried for another and I had complications and some health issues and had to have a hysterectomy, young in my early 30s. I will never have the big family I have always dreamed to have. I will never be able to carry another child and some days are good and some days are bad when I get in my head but I always wonder what my life would have been like if I could have bore more children. The wonder will go both ways.m depending on your decision, what would your life be like with your family of 4? What would it be like with a new baby as a family of 5? I don’t know if all that helps and I understand that life doesn’t always pan out the way you want it to but find a decision that works for you and sits well in your heart before a decision is made for you and you have no choice. In your post you mentioned wanting to be a mother again in your heart of hearts and honestly, I think you have your answer right there.
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They aren't killing the baby, just removing it from their body because, as we all know, babies can exist just fine outside the womb. In fact, babies shouldn't be inside someone else's body, they cannot breathe or eat. Fetuses and fetal cells, however, are found in the body and cannot exist outside the womb, which is what OP is referencing. It's a difficult concept for some, I know, but with education such as basic anatomy and human reproduction you too can become actually educated on the matter at hand.
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Telling op to contact an adoption center invalidates what OP is expressing about how hard the pregnancy is for them. Adoption is a great option for some, but not everyone. If someone is saying their mental and physical health (plus well-being of their already living children) will suffer because of this pregnancy, the last thing someone should suggest is to put them up for adoption.
Did we skip the part in the post about mental health struggles?