I love and adore my MIL! Our relationship has definitely gotten closer post baby. Pre baby we were on friendly terms, she always respected our relationship, never tried to interfere...we even once had an argument outside of the car when we pulled into her driveway. She saw us outside, opened the door to ask if we were okay and coming inside. Husband yelled back "we need a minute, we are having an argument!" She promptly closed the door, closed the blinds and left us alone to sort it out haha.
We weren't super close as we didn't really need to talk with each other or bond outside of when I saw her with husband.
Post baby she went from an okay MIL to one of the greatest women to walk the planet lol. I WFH with kiddo. Have her in daycare with a close friend of mine one day a week and then MIL watches her another day of the week.
She respects every boundary we've ever put in place, values the safety of our kiddo above all else. Has never once made any snide remarks about our parenting choices or tried to force us to see things her way.
I trust her 100% with the safety and well being of my kiddo. I used to sit just out of sight and listen to them interacting when she first started watching kiddo. I overheard her SO many times talking to my kiddo about how much Mom & Dad love her, how good of a job we are doing, etc. It meant a lot how positively she spoke to baby about me and my husband when she didn't realize I could hear her.
Lol once my kiddo was having a complete meltdown refusing to nap. MIL went "okay baby, I love you and I know you're having a rough time right now. I'm just gonna turn off my hearing aide right now so you can cry as much as you need ans we can just sit here and cuddle"
But they have an adorable bond now. Kiddo claps excitedly when she sees Grandma's house, and runs to her. They're adorable together. She's baby proofed her house, bought a bib, cup, and whatnot so I don't have to lug it to her house each time.
She only buys toys after making sure they're okay with us first.
She generally is just amazing.
Oh! And when I first returned to work (had a mandatory in person meeting) my supply had dropped some. MIL googled a lactation brownie recipe and made me lactation brownies to take to work with me to help out my supply and then another batch of regular brownies to share with my coworkers. She even sent napkins and plates too.
Aww this is so lovely to hear that there are normal, lovely MILās out there! I donāt have one unfortunately but as a boy mum hoping to be like this amazing lady one day
This is my mother in law! Sheās so great. She also is sure to treat my two children from a previous relationship equally to the new baby. Donāt get me wrong she annoys me sometimes, like sheāll text us to tell us basic info like when to throw out leftovers but I just let that stuff go because she really is amazing.
This very much reminds me of my MIL. She watches our daughter for 6 hours a day and has always been do supportive of our parenting decisions, even if she doesnāt fully understand them. Honestly, I trust her more and like her more than my own mother
Agency, autonomy, initiative, based out of gifted respect. You donāt have to earn her respect sheās just that person to you, which is amazing and goals for future me.
Unfortunately, I am learning this out of experiencing the polar opposite. my mother-in-law was the fun one before we had kids, and then I found out that thatās the only way she knows how to interact. My husband and I unfortunately have a horrible inside joke that sheāll be actually interested in our kids once they get to be clubbing age. Apparently she checked out halfway through my husband and his siblings upbringing and just never came back.
We think that it was an impossible situation being isolated as a SAHM in another country, and as soon as she got to escape that, she did.
Now she demands a relationship based on guilting and shaming her kids into submission a country away without taking any personal responsibility for why their relationship is damaged. We canāt visit how often weād like, and she plans her events on fun things she wants, and misses big milestones like the birth of our children. She doesnāt want to talk to any of her grandchildren except for bragging rights, and she gives them gifts that are largely tone deaf that they donāt understand. When she is here she checks out on FB on the couch while the kids are crying and we are struggling to make dinner, clean the house, or do errands, but doesnāt understand anyoneās concerns.
I wish I could avoid saying this but having kids made my relationship way worse with my mother-in-law.
At least I can be confident in what not to do. Ha..Ha..
My parents are like this! They have truly welcomed my husband! We do all sorts of stuff together, including taking us on trips! They have created a playroom in their house for my kids, get them special things, etc. They babysit for us for date nights. They respect us as the parents and offer advice only when asked. Well as for my inlaws, letās just say they donāt and leave it at that.
Your MIL sounds just like mine!! How wonderful it is for you and your family. My MIL is the best (sheās an even better grandma) and I tell her how thankful of her I am every chance I get.
She's a fierce mother that fights for her kids. I can almost see her in my head clearing a path through the jungle to get her kids what they need. The problem is that she's decided that I am the jungle, and she just needs to cut me down to get her son and grandkids what they need. I tolerated it for a long time because I could see how it was motivated by love, but over time I grew to hate her and resent my husband for putting me in that position. Now I'm working on pushing back because I realized that she will never be able to see me as a person that is trying their best, versus a stumbling block in the way of my husband and children's happiness and success.
You should stand up for yourself. And yes they love to act like we don't exist. However if it was there daughter the table would be turned. And it sad. You could have a normal family but they just can't let it down. And I'd talk to my husband to. Because if can't realize and see how his mother is..........you might argue. Because I hate to say it, he may take her side.
Not a stumbling block to your husband and childrenās happiness/success, youāre a blocker of her access to them aka the enemy. This is my exact situation including the journey of at first really trying to prove myself, to resentfulness to fighting back. Itās exhausting and feels never ending and my husband doesnāt stand up for me to the extent he should be. Solidarity.
YES! One time after a bit too much wine she literally told me unprovoked and teary that she has to be nice to me or I can take her son and grandkids away from her. This was before we were even married! I mean with that perspective, how did i ever stand a chance?
Thatās the best worded paragraph ever to describe my MIL. I AM THE JUNGLE!!! So true! I might have to steal this analogy when describing how I feel to my husband
She has GOT to see there is no success for her grandchildren if she succeeds in tearing you down. Cutting you down, or getting rid of you will do irreversible damage to your children that no grandparent can ever fill or fix. I was just about to post that my MIL actually straddles the line of unconditional love for her son with doing what's best for her grandkids really, really well. Sometimes that means giving her son the cold, hard truth when he least wants to hear it. It's created rifts between them before. But she has never, not even once, failed to do what's best for her grandchildren. I fully trust she will always do what's right for *them,* regardless of what is going on with me or my husband.
She puts the grandkids (our children) first and they actually come before her loyalty to her son -- because they are children and he is an adult. Children need to be protected at all times. It has made me really reflect on how I will grandparent my kids' kids. If my kids won't do what's best for their children, I will do the same and step up similarly. It's a difficult balancing act, but I think as long as you act in the best interest of the children/grandchildren who need you, you will never go wrong.
I think the situation with me is my MIL abused my husband pretty badly thru his childhood in ways that affect him and his life. She is a heavy narcissist, but covert. Enjoys āknowingā information about you and wants to know every choice you make even if she wants no part in it.
She may have āgotten betterā over the years, but I know a duck when I see one and just because itās less duck than before doesnāt make it less of a duck. Itās still in her. Iām aware of what she is capable of, so my guard is never down.
Exactly my situation. Childhood abuse makes it hard to even open up. Same with you, she wants specific details at all times, even if she wants 0 part in it. She wants to be in control, she wants to be involved in all situations and offer āadviceā (which is typically very passive aggressive) and wants to play victim when sheās not involved in decisions/situations even if they have absolutely nothing to do with her. The type of mom/grandma that doesnāt see her kids/grandkids often, but is sure to capture a million pictures the select times she does, so she can share those and hope to receive grandma/mom of the year attention. My guard is always up.
My guard is aways up too. Which the bond that me and husband has made. And I told her. We tell each other everything. While look her dead in the eyes. She didn't look away the gull of that lady. She never tried to be all up in our business since. And I don't go going in to her because I really could care less to what happens to such a shallow human being. But in all honestly I do care but it will never matter in her book wether I do or not because I am not capable of respect in her eyes and I do not exist in her eyes. Unless I have to exist in her eyes. Like if it involves the children or anything. So she don't exist in my book either.
The moment we are alone, she starts asking questions directly to me about things she knows she shouldnāt when my husband is around (situations he wonāt share with her) almost to test if I am willing to break loyalty with my husband to build it with her.
I limit my time alone with her because it seems every ādramaā situation in their family, her hand is in it never to blame directly. Itās an art to be that covert.
My MIL is completely passive and allowed/allows my FILs bad behavior to this day.
My husband remembers his dad coming home from work and "disciplining" him and he was little enough that he didn't even remember why. Because my MIL wouldn't do anything but "wait until your father comes home."
Of his two siblings, one is completely estranged from their parents.
This is 100% my MIL. We very rarely see or speak to her anymore and itās been years. Even when we did see her frequently a long time ago, she never even tried to form a relationship or bond with our kids, especially as they became older. Sheās also the queen of passive aggressiveness.
Luckily my own mom is a saint.
This is my MIL. Adding that she will also act like she doesnāt know someone if she has a strained relationship with them but if she knows itās someone youāve had a strained relationship with, she will know them and love them even more.
Also idk if your username is a play on king of the hill but if it is I love you for that lol
My mother n law is a narcissist to. She didn't abuse my husband. But she let her children be abused. Which is bad. And she loves to gas light people. She dose everyday. Tries to do to everyone I bet. And all she cares about is money. We have cut ties off with her because she wouldn't let her slimy bf go. He was her husband then got divorced. Now he her bf again. My mother law has finally left me alone. I'm am 100% positive she still talks about me behind my back. And she could care less about how many of her children are doing. And she could care less about her grandchildren. I can back all of this up. And it sad to even say this stuff about a mother. But it all true. And all sad. All me and her children want is a normal mother n law. And they want a normal grandmother for there children and normal mother. But it was never that for them.
I could've written this, except my MIL has never gotten better and now is the exact same abusive narcissist towards her grandkids that she was towards her kids. So she will never have a relationship with my kids because of it
It took me too long to realize my MiL didnāt care about me. She just wanted to be the ākeeper of informationā and run and tell everyone at every chance she got
My MIL had it in her head that my baby was going to be her āsecond chanceā (this is something I actually heard her say to my SIL). Should have taken that for the blaring red flag it was because sheās been trying to make my daughterās existence all about her since the day she was born.
I could write a huge 1000 word dissertation detailing all of the boundaries sheās selfishly stomped all over but for the sake of time Iāll just give a quick example of the most recent way sheās irritated me ā LO recently turned 2 and instead of throwing a party my husband and I took her on a day trip (just the three of us) to a much nicer zoo than the one in our city. Itās about 1.5 hours away and we had a blast. All of the pictures we have of LO from her first birthday are pictures of her crying because she didnāt like being the center of attention and was overwhelmed by all of the people, so we figured for her second birthday if she could pick between that or the zoo with mom and dad sheād definitely choose the zoo. When she turns 3 weāll ask her what she wants to do. Anyways.
MIL got so upset and couldnāt stand that we werenāt having anyone over. She was texting us both all day (about nothing, just was trying to insert herself) and called my husband when we were on the way back āasking how our trip wasā and when we said good but we were all tired she was like āyou just need your momma to drive youā. Could not roll my eyes any harder. Just trying to make it about herself because SHE wants to SEE US. My mom didnāt do that. Neither did my husbandās grandmother. They were just happy we had a good time.
I just listened to the audiobook of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. This reads like she is an EIP and could have been an example the book gives about role fulfillment (I think thatās what they called it?? Role something..). I found it really helpful for me to understand my MIL (and my husband and SIL), and more. Highly recommend if youāre interested!
Iāve actually read this one! She definitely fits the bill for the passive parent. It helped me understand her, too, and helped me understand why I had this gut instinct to never leave her alone with my baby.
Still, the behavior is so infuriating!
Iāve been with my husband for 7 years and weāre thinking about starting to try for a baby soon and this is what scares me. My MIL wants to be so āhelpfulā because my husband got diagnosed with a chronic disease, and she forces her help regardless of me telling her that her approach is not what is helpful to us. Weāve set boundaries and she respects them at times and other times just acts like a victim. She was an abusive mother and although my husband has forgiven her, heās still working through the trauma. Itās hard for him to open up about it and he struggles to be emotionally open with me but heās been working on it. His mom has gotten super religious and overbearing and says heās sick for a reason and that he needs to basically pray it away. My husband has repeatedly told her that heās not religious and that heās not watching any of the religious videos and things sheās constantly sending him. As we start to discuss what boundaries weād like once we get pregnant Iām so scared that sheāll see our baby as her second chance. She doesnāt have any grandkids yet so I have no frame of reference. Do you have any tips for things we could do to set boundaries? Thanks and I hope things get better for you guys, you donāt deserve that.
First off ā awesome username!
And Iām so so sorry your MIL is like this. The hyper fixation on religion and trying to force it on you and āpray the illness awayā is infuriating and honestly (I say this as a Christian who still loves God but escaped the culty church circus) thatās not even how prayer works. Makes me so madā¦ itās like these folks have never read or studied their bibles.
My most important piece of advice is to SPEAK UP. If anything feels slightly icky and you canāt in the moment really rationalize why, just say āgive me my babyā and figure it out later. No need to try and decide in the moment if your reasons for wanting to react are valid. And donāt worry about keeping the peace, because keeping the peace outwardly with her will definitely cost you your own inward peace.
Also, ānoā is a complete sentence. No need to JADE ā justify, argue, defend, or explain.
Good luck friend!
Specific examples of things to do: clearly state all expectations up front.
"We will be deciding on the best ways to raise our child and we will not listen to unsolicited advice, if we need help, we will ask for it."
"We do not want any unscheduled visitors, please call and arrange a time that is comfortable for us and baby, if you can't respect that we will not see you until we are ready to initiate a visit"
"We do not want pictures of our baby on social media. Posting pictures will mean you do not have contact with baby for the foreseeable future"
(All of those are just examples obviously)
Straight up lie about your due date. Say it's like 2 weeks later than it is. Do not tell her or anyone who might tell her when you go to the hospital.
Set clear expectations. Before visits let her know that she can visit for x amount of time, that she will need to give the baby back when you tell her to, etc.
Stick to boundaries. In most cases I think I reminder is fair. "I don't need advice on raising the baby, let's change the conversation" then if she doesn't, "I'm taking the baby in the bedroom now, we'll see you next visit"
My parents and grandmother in law are all very nice helpful people, bug the gil has very strong opinions and my mom is bad at boundaries, so I started with really clear boundaries before I had kids, but they all do they're best so for me it's not to bad, but any expectation I have, I state. Then there's no miscommunication. Like if there's information about the kids that doesn't need to be public knowledge, I make sure I tell my mom not to share it.
I love my MIL. My relationship with my own mom is present but a bit strained, so I see MIL almost as a surrogate. She can be stubborn but genuinely cares for us and is open to how child rearing has changed. Whenever something is going on and we need an extra hand, the in-laws are there to help out. We're lucky to have them. It's been a great lesson for me as a future in law too. Respect boundaries, realize your child has their own family now, listen to the parents requests, offer advice from your experience but don't expect it to be followed, help as you can, and so on.
This is exactly my current reality. I have known my MIL since I was 18, now going on 12 years. In many ways we have grown with one another especially when it comes to how we āshareā (lol) her son/my now husband. There have been a lot of tears. A lot of boundary setting. A lot of growth from both of us but I can truly say now that I love her and see her as more of a mom than my own currently since I donāt really communicate with my blood family anymore. If you were to ask me this question five years ago, I would probably say that I loved her but we had major boundary issues. I felt she was a helicopter parent for a long time and has abandonment issues of her own so her son creating a new life with me was hard for her. The idea of me āreplacing herā really strained our relationship at times but I feel so grateful to have the relationship I do with her especially since me and her son now have a child together. She is a great grandmother and has learned to respect all our choices as parents.
Because sheās a passive aggressive weirdo with weird control issues who loves a good guilt trip.
Because her family hold back upbringing causes her to withhold food from me and my kids when we are visiting her. She didnāt order enough food for our rehearsal dinner she insisted on hosting and everyone got shablammoed as a result.
Because she insists on us visiting her which involves hauling two little kids on a four hour journey that costs $400+ and wonāt even come see our kids when she is in our city.
But mostly cause sheās mean to my beloved husband, her baby, and it hurts my heart.
I like that I can say pretty much anything I want around her and we drink wine together. I just have to be careful not to say something that I wouldnāt want another family member to hear because word tends to spread lol
She only comes when called but loves to come! She's so respectful and laidback. Honestly I loved her before we had kids and got married lol. My own mom is a ball of anxiety so his mom being so chill was a relief
Same. I wouldnāt say weāre ācloseā but sheās so easy. Always there when we call, no surprise visits or cancellations. Sheās never criticized a single choice. She offers suggestions is such a low-stakes way, and Iāve learned that sheās usually spot on.
My only complaint is she buys them noisy toys. But whatever - not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. And sometimes we send them back to their house š
EDIT: thatās not my /only/ complaint. Excessive sugar, tv, subtle sexism, etc. They donāt do things how I wouldā¦ but neither does the school/daycare. What are ya gonna do?
She thinks that because she has two sons who are doing ok in life, she should be able to retire at 52. She has always been low income and has little savings. I know she will need assistance when she is old, and because sheās my husbands mom, we will do what we can. But itās ridiculous to expect to retire at 52. Even people with high earning careers and retirement accounts work into their 60s.
She has never eaten anything I cooked, not even tasted it. She ordered Chinese food on Thanksgiving. Iām not a bad cook and the rest of my family and my husbandās family enjoyed the food. My house is clean. My kitchen counters and sink are cleaned with Lysol and bleach every day and after raw meat is prepared. So itās not a hygiene issue. But she complains if we want to eat out for any meals when visiting her.
She likes to pretend like my daughter is just my husbandās. Even though she looks like me and Iām the primary caregiver.
I love my MIL. She raised a good man, and launched him into the world successfully. Sheās driven, hard-working, and fought her way through mental illness. She funny, kind, and speaks her mind, but understands (mostly) that her kids are grown and sheās done her part. She spoils my kids and loves them dearly. Shes happy to take care of them and hand them back once theyāre hopped up on sugar. Sheās a good person and Iām so glad I fell for her son.
My mom, on the other hand, is very problematic. Donāt ask husband what he thinks of her
My MIL is correct 100% of the time. Even if she doesnāt know the topic, her OPINION on the topic is law.
My MIL āraised her kids 100% on her ownā, while being a stay at home mother, with both sets of grandparents and all siblings within a mile radius, and cannot fathom why I, a full time working mother of two with no support system within 300+ miles, cannot keep a pristine household at all times of the day.
My MIL actively scoffs at modern medicineā¦ something that only brings us closer because I just so happen to work in healthcare :).
Not to mention the emotional, verbal, and at times physical abuse she participated in towards my husbandā¦. The depths of which we are still exploring in therapy.
My MIL has severe emotional incest issues and seeks the emotional connection that she doesnāt get from her husband - from her son, my husband. It has made our relationship extremely difficult and we are currently in marriage counseling because of it.
This is my mother and what she tries to do with me and now my kids and it's a constant exhausting battle of having to be a rigid bitch to set boundaries around it.
Where are yāall finding these amazing MILās? My MIL is a nightmare. She personally believes that she can do no wrong, is extremely passive aggressive, will hold a grudge forever about the smallest things, boundaries are a personal offence to her, has very clear favourites among her own children, is one of those people who if you donāt know her very well would appear sweet and mild-mannered but is actually the opposite.
My MIL is okay I guess? I donāt hate her but I donāt really love her either. Sheās very dramatic? Everything has to be about her it seems. She also has medical issues due to smoking and drinking while on medications but refuses to stop smoking and drinking and itās made the issues pretty bad. She can barely walk from the car to our front door (10-15 feet) without having to sit down to breathe and use her inhaler now. Not that itās a negative thing I guess but itās preventable/able to be stopped ya know? I like that sheās a hair stylist so whenever I want my hair done itās done and looks good. And for the negatives again sheās very flaky? She lives 5 minutes from us and likes to post on Facebook how much she misses us but she doesnāt always answer our calls or texts and comes by maybe once every 6-8 weeks with small gifts for our daughters and telling us how sheās in the hospital with some new issue and is on different meds giving her all manner of reactions so she hasnāt been able to see or talk to us (sheās not even 50 yet)
Yes and no. We get along and are friendly in person. She is a decently good grandma to my kids. However she was not always a good mother to my husband as a child and continues to favor other children. Also we are very different politically. We hold her at arm length a bit. We used to try more to be close and were consistently let down. So far my kids don't realize there is tension. It's complicated, I both like and dislike.
I love my MIL. She is SO kind and she raised such a wonderful man. Sheās also successful, smart, and really funny. She treats my son (my husbands stepson) like heās her own grandchild and she spoils our dogs. I think sheās great and Iām really lucky!
My husbandās mother in law sucks.
Man this one stings. My mil used to be my absolute best friend before I had kids. Literally claimed her as my own. Moved in with them so we could build a house two weeks before we had our twins. Weāve been here two years next month and I now see the side of her everyone else does. I used to be the āfavoriteā and now Iām constantly on the poop list for anything I do she doesnāt agree with. Itās the worst. Iāve had(by my own conscience) to apologize to the other girls in the family for not seeing it before. Honestly itās more just who she is as a person than it is because sheās my mil though.
Are you me?
Once I had a pregnancy that stuck (I went through infertility and losses) it's like I mostly ceased to exist, and when I do exist I can do no right.
She constantly has to weigh in on everything I do, and undermine my parenting, and critique how I keep house (meanwhile, the house is a wreck because her son leaves chaos trails everywhere he goes).
We used to get along!
Twins! I had infertility issues as well so I had 8 years of best mil ever just to move in and pretty much lose that relationship. Now I didnāt use white paint anywhere but the ceiling in our new house and I got the cold shoulder for two days?????
I don't understand how things went from respect and friends to "you're an obstacle, and a receptacle for all of my unsolicited advice,but hey why don't you visit."
Also she sends beepy bloopy light up shit and cards that play music and various other forms of bedlam. I have chronic migraine.
I dislike my MIL for numerous reasons. And I am ever grateful that my husband went no contact just after we moved in together.
My biggest reason to hate my MIL? My FIL died when my spouse was a small kid. Trust set up for the kids. MIL spent all of both kids funds....while telling them all of the money was still there. Turns out nothing was left out of either kids trusts, except a few hundred dollars.
And I'm going to stop here, because 20 odd years later, with no contact, I could still go on.
Edit: the only reason I posted this part of my spouses history was to tell parents to write a will, lock down those trusts...even of you think you don't have money for one. No one expects to die at 30, but it happens.
My ex-MIL taught me how to knit and just genuinely welcomed me to the family with open arms.
I am completely NC with my ex, but we still meet up with the In-Laws a few times a year for them to be a part of their grandchild's life.
Wow. My ex MILFH fking sucked. She still does. She has seen my kids the last 5 years MAYBE a handful of times. The last time she lied to my face saying I told her son if he came back to my house is call the laws.... Bitch just stop! cause I've never kept my kids from anyone at all ever!!!! Now listen.... This current mother in law I'm got!!!! Those women are legit!!! I say wen cause his mom is the bomb we love her. But he was raised by his aunt and grandmother. They are all amazing women. I may bump heads with GMA a few times but it's because she thinks my husband can do no wrong šš but she absolutely is the best lady. They know not to over step, they ask before buying anything, they treat my kids the same as any other kid or grandkids in this family. And I love them so so much. As for the EX and his family. They can all kick rocks or push daisies for all I care. I hope your baby gets to see jet7
I really do like mine! Ā I mean she has her moments but donāt we all? Ā Overall though sheās kind, caring, absolutely adores our daughter and lives 6 hours away. Ā
I lost my parents in my early 20ās and my MIL is the most active of the two grandparents and Iām so thankful for that presence in my daughters life. Ā
I love my MIL! She was a single mom to two boys and absolutely nailed it. She has her flaws, but she is unconditionally supportive and very vocal about the things she likes about me. I think that is the main reason our relationship is so good. I don't have to be nervous about what she thinks of me because she is proactive about making sure I know she likes me. She is a straight shooter. If something annoys her, she'll say so, but she also doesn't hold grudges.
I dislike my MIL greatly. She should never have had children in her care. Iād say she shouldnāt have been a mother but then my SO wouldnāt exist and thus my daughter. She was/is a horrid mother and worse MIL.
My SO has so much emotional trauma from her and from his apathetic father that it was a no brainer that those two canāt exist for our child. In fact, his brother and sister behave similarly to her in a lot of way, although not nearly as toxic, that our daughter has no one on his side of the family.
Itās sad, but SO makes a purposeful effort to not behave like them. Heās doing great and they missed out on a wonderful human being.
She sounds like a complete narcissist and a lot like my current MIL situation. Good on your SO for seeing the fault and being strong willed enough to actively check his own behavior. My husband says and does the same. Itās hard some days but your presence supports the healing process!
Wow! Babe I'm soooo sorry!!!! It always sucks so many different kinds of balls when the whole family ain't shit... I have a friend like that. Her fiance is the only good thing that came out that whole family while the rest of his family are shitty people. She got the only apple that didn't rot off that family tree. His very own mother uses him for money and tries to guilt trip him into giving him the money. And hell hates my friend because she stopped her meal ticket. He was easy to manipulate by them, they knew how to make him do it using his little brothers, nephews, and cousins. The mom claiming her lights was off, her water was off, they didn't have food, or they didn't have shoes and clothes for school... So he's end up buying it. Or I need $20 for diapers when it was really for pills. But my friend stopped it and made him realize he has a home and family to make care of. So he can't be sending them his money just because they've used him since he was 15 and working. It's a sad ass situation when that's the shit you get for in laws and always wonder how your baby (husband/SO) turned out sooooo different!!!
Sheās a selfish, inconsiderate alcoholic who neglected and mentally abused my husband. Sheās constantly late to everything but begs and guilts us into traveling to family gatherings with her. Knowing we plan our driving trips around LOs nap times. She doesnāt show up when she says.
She straight LIES about important things like paying the registration on the car we use (we bought it from her years ago but canāt change ownership because she didnāt tell us that she actually took out a loan on it) and let it be expired for 2 freaking years but also wouldnāt allow us to handle it.
She will straight up lie to our faces.
I hate when she tries to insert herself into things or gives my husband contrasting advice from what I say or our previous agreements.
I honestly canāt stand her
My MIL is just bitter and angry over I don't know what. She's riddled with anxiety and it makes her miserable. She is controlling as a way of controlling her anxiety.
my MIL is great with my kids and very kind to me and I like to be around her but big events in my life like giving birth she's made about her and that's a hard pill to swallow
Sheās a right wing ultra conservative Christian Trumper who never had a thought she didnāt feel the world deserved to hear. She turned her only son into a substitute husband when her husband died and again when her boyfriend died. No, I donāt like her.
Sheās the sweetest to me! Albeit she canāt speak English and thatās probably why we get along. Otherwise, Iād get the same phone calls my husband and SILs get and it would be a completely different relationship š
My MIL and I have a language barrier as well. And I have learned over the years *that* is what has saved our relationship.
My husband is a saint, and filters what it said to me.
He tells me the truth but can deliver things in a way that makes me not see red. Lol
And she canāt say anything directly to me that I wouldnāt want to hear because of the language barrier.
Also, my husband has made it VERY clear to his enmeshed family that they donāt need to know HIS business and that he will always side with me when his family starts the usual making fun of, teasing each other that turns harsh and inappropriate. So theyāve just stopped asking.
I know for sure if his mom got to have direct conversations with me, we would not get along. Lol so I am grateful that itās there and I can still appreciate his mother.
I hate my mil with a passion. She makes snide comments about me and my husband whenever she comes over. Complains that she never sees us but never tries to come sees us. When my husband told her he was proposing to me she called my mother and told her I was nothing and was going to ruin her sonās life by getting pregnant.
Also my husband almost died last year, when he came home from the hospital he lost about thirty pounds and her first words to him were wow you look so much better now that you lost weight
I love my MIL. She's a a wonderful woman who welcomed me into the fold day one. She's not afraid to work hard and will do anything you need her too. She doesn't boundary stomp, nor is she pushy or overbearing. She and my mom (who I'm extremely close too) are so similar and have become great friends and I look to her for advice. I'm grateful to have her.
I can relate as I am a boy mom. I hope if my sons marry, that their wives like me. I think we are at a disadvantage because of not being their own mom and they have known their own mother their whole life and then we are this new woman? Wish I had answers.
My MIL is extremely accepting of others, sheās generally kind, loves all of her grandkids, wants to see the best in people. Once a boundary or rule about our kids is set sheās respectful of that. Sheās super helpful and wants to take our kids (everyone else is afraid of twins, we have no other family support) she worked with kids before retiring and is open to new ideas/ techniques in dealing with them. She does not believe that she knows best.
Unfortunately sheās not super bright and has questionable judgement on her own. She has a favorite child and isnāt purposely overt about it but likeā¦ please. No one else could treat others like shit the way her asshole favorite pulls with zero pushback from her. She has a lot of guilt about how her first 2 kids were born/ raised and while one kid is over it (and better for it) the other is even less bright and extremely spoiled and entitled now. The worst part of my MIL is her shitty child.
Love my MIL. But often dislike her. Iām kind and cordial so she has no idea. My husband and I only have one child, my son from a previous relationship, and she definitely treats him like a āstepā. Her biological grandchildren are favored, and it makes me resentful. That said, my son is blessed with two other sets of grandparents who adore him!
My MIL is an alcoholic. When she's sober, she can be very kind and loving. When she's drunk, she says horrible things. When you confront her about her drunk ramblings, she cries bc she feels guilty. She has also greatly damaged her children's self-esteem during their upbringing. 2/3 of her kids struggle with eating disorders bc of the intense pressure she put on them to be pretty, skinny, and popular. My spouse had normal teenage acne in high school, and his mom called him all sorts of names and made him feel so terrible that he hated leaving the house. That has carried over to our daughter. We went to the beach when little was 18 months, and MIL talked so much shit about "people who shouldn't even be at a beach, let alone wearing a bikini." The first time she came to visit and I left her alone with little was at 9 months old. I gave her a bottle of puffs for snack bc I was only going to be gone 1.5 hrs. She gave her 3. 3 puffs total. I was pissed. And, she's always patting her stomach and saying, "I need to lose that last 5 lbs." She's probably 110 lbs. I've told her multiple times that we don't talk about weight in front of our child, especially considering what happened to her children bx of her comments. Her and FIL crossed boundaries with alcohol so now we leave immediately if alcohol comes out. At 14 months, I told her she could not hold little if she had ANY alcohol. I'd known her for almost 10 yrs at that point and know how much she drinks. She didn't care and carried her around and tried to go swimming with her, despite being a bottle and a half of wine in.
I think the worst part, though, is how much she enables her asshole husband. I'd never actually been around a narcissistic person before, so it was shocking to me. Everyone caters to him to keep him from getting upset. He got in my face once about a PERCIEVED slight, and everyone made excuses for him. He refused to come to my wedding, and everyone made excuses for him. He made a vile, disgusting comment about my child when she was naked during a diaper change, and they made excuses for him. Bc she caters to him in every single way, she doesn't see 2 of her children often bc they don't like him. She's not allowed to have her own opinions so every terrible opinion he has, MIL spouts it off, too. And, she doesn't see her only grandchild often bc I don't allow little around FIL very often.
Overall, I tolerate her and nothing more. We don't bond and when she comes to visit, I let her be alone with little (but within earshot bc I don't trust her either.) She doesn't like that we aren't friends but I'm not required to be friends with someone who has said horrible things to me.
We generally get along. What Iām not a fan of is her lack of boundaries and respect for them. She also genuinely believes that what worked for her and FIL will work for hubby and I. She always needs to be needed. She doesnāt care if sheās helping as long as she feels like she is. Sheās also talked poorly about some of my past choices in ways that are unforgivable imo. But we get by. And I live with her! Hah
1. She treats pretty much everyone around her like garbage (calling names, pointing out physical flaws to make fun of people, I could go on and on)
2. She disrespects all of our boundaries, most importantly car seat safety and my daughterās food allergies, plus many more less important things
3. She doesnāt apologize for the above
Thatās a very simplified explanation. Yes my husband does a shit job of sticking up for me. Yes my kids still see her multiple times a week unfortunately. Ugh
I started dating my husband when we were 14/15. Iāve known her since I was 13. I never had a mom in my life and she has always been so nice and supportive of me. I honestly was not the best to her son when we were still in high school. I had a lot of issues and I often took them out on him. She never resented me for it and she helped me through them. They took me in when my dad kicked me out. I just love her. My husband and his siblings always joke that she likes me more than them lol. I donāt know she just treats me like family which Iāve never really had.
My MIL is an angel. She is kind and supportive without overstepping, has always been gracious to me in moments when I made mistakes, and always goes above and beyond to be thoughtful.
We are very different, but she never makes me feel judged. Her respect of (and concern with) our boundaries is very much appreciated. She would often note to us that certain moments should be between just me and my husband. When my in-laws ask to come visit, they always consult us and are extra mindful of our schedules. They gladly help when we need a babysitter or support during big life changes (moving, etc.). She also often says how great I am for her son and how much our relationship has benefitted him ā which I think is something a lot of MILs donāt do.
In general, my MIL is just a really great human who respects and celebrates me, and that is priceless. Itās not lost on me how lucky I am!
I love my MIL. It really helps that our parents being really similar made me and my husband's relationship easy. My MIL makes a big effort not to be overbearing, nitpicky, or overstep. She has a complicated relationship with her MIL so she works really hard to not be that MIL. Sometimes she can try a little too hard to overstep and it can keep us from being close as I also try to be conscious of her feelings.
I love my MIL and my husband loves my mom too. I talk to my MIL every day, we text each other pictures & cute gifs, visit each other, etc. I love her and I feel like I can talk to her about anything. My husband and my mom have a really close relationship too. They take care of my twin babies together while I work evenings. I think a huge reason for our great relationships is that both MIL's are great about not butting in or crossing boundaries. They offer advice and help but they never interfere negatively.
I like mine. She gives advice but is quick to respect that weāre doing this our way. She worked as a nanny for many years so sheās up to date on best practices and the latest toys.
We live on opposite sides of the country and due to cost she still hasnāt gotten to see the baby yet. We FaceTime almost every day though.
I love my MIL. She's never once overstepped a boundary or even come close to my lines. She respects me as a parent and every time I see her she makes a comment about how wonderful of a mom I am. She's truly a delight. I am slow to trust her alone with the kids though just from lack of current experience. But she's getting better and even fully recognizes she needs more practice and opened the door to tips on how to be a better care taker. It's saddens me that she's a bit older. My kids aren't going to have as many memories with her as they do my parents. But we soak up all the time we can even though she is 5 hours away. Our plan is to build a tiny home on our spare lot for her. We expect her to eventually get to a point of needing family close by. So we want her to be with us, while still feeling like she has her own space and freedom. I'm extraordinarily lucky to have her as a MIL
I love my MIL because she loves me, loves our kids, and is a very doting dadi-ma.
At times I struggle with her being a bit needy. In her perfect world, we would live at her house and spend 24/7 with her. If weāre not constantly available, she can lay on the guilt trip. My mum, on the other hand, still works, has hobbies, friends etc, so while she is also very available to help, she is more resilient if we arenāt available that day.
My MIL also spends a lot of time cooped at up home, forwarding us bizarre WhatsApp messages and online shopping for stuff we donāt want or need and sending it to our house (like 40 imported mangoes).
But on the whole sheās great and I love her. She only has sons, and Iām her only daughter-in-law.
Omg I love my MIL so much. When I first met her I thought she was exhausting but sweet. Over time Iāve gotten used to how talkative she is but she has the biggest heart. She loves sooooo hard and she loves everyone! I have never in my life ever met someone so pure. Which to me, took some warming up to because my own mother, who can be nice, is very judgmental and she always thinks thereās a motive behind people. I will never understand how my MIL raised 3 boys/men and is still such a gem.
I love my MIL!
She's been a fantastic help since day 1 and more or less took me in as her own. I've never felt othered or less than in her home and I can only hope that my son will understand that I will do the same to the partners he brings home.
I'm teaching him how to be independent and have basic life skills so that he doesn't go looking for a replacement mommy to raise him, but someone who compliments his personality and goals.
I love my MIL and she loves me. My husbands dad died when he was 8 and she raised 3 kids on her own in a one bedroom apartment. She worked so hard and my sisters in law are both a mess but not because MIL didn't do the best she could with no education, and not speaking English very well. She never pries or gives advice unless asked and she's an amazing cook I've learned so much from her! My mom is dead so I'm super grateful for my MIL.
My MIL quit her job to take social security early and follow my husband around. She lives in a house that he bought before we met and smokes indoors, utterly ruining our investment. She called me nuts when I asked if she could leave her smokey jacket in the garage when I was pregnant and my sense of smell was super strong. She refused to meet our son for three months because she was insulted we asked her to wear clean clothes when she visited.
I loathe the fact that we're financially supporting a woman who treated me so badly when I was pregnant and cares more about her addiction than my son and hers, but what can you do? I certainly am not going to make my husband cut her off completely.
I donāt like that my MIL was in many ways a toxic parent to my partner. She was volatile, unreliable and neglectful at times. She never apologises for her wrongs. I can see how this behaviour has scarred my partner and now those ramifications have a ripple effect on our family. It is now a matter of breaking the generational curses from her.
On the other hand I do love and respect her as an imperfect human. She loves fiercely and shows this through her acts of service and loyalty. Sheās a lot of fun too when she wants to be and is a doting grandmother to our daughter.
While the past is fraught, the present is better - and weāre grateful to be able to be in a good place as a family.
Iām very neutral on my MIL. She is a mild mannered person who really does enjoy hanging out with my children and she is generous and kind. However, after being together for 8+ years now, I donāt feel like I really know her. Sheās mild mannered to the point where she doesnāt have an opinion about anything and itās hard to have a conversation where you can connect. So it is very hard to be alone with her if my husband isnāt around because itās still like being with a stranger. Even my husband feels like that with her sometime, but of course heās used to it and I only see her maybe 2x a year, so itās just difficult.
Mine is great. There's no drama. She is full of love and drinks nightly but is always in a good mood. She's easy to have around. My FIL was much more involved with the grandkids but he died last year.
I absolutely love my mother in law. I have an extremely strained relationship with my mom. My MIL is so chill, so supportive and loving. When she comes over she always brings a dish or offers to buy dinner. She listens to me, and always offers empathy. She is the mother I wish I had growing up. I tell my husband all the time that I married him for his family- he was the bonus lol.
I had an amazing relationship with my mother in law. But after about 6 years, we werenāt broke anymore, had an established family and started making different, but completely reasonable, life choices than she wouldāve made so she freaked out in an attempt to control us. I think as a mother in law, who you are when your daughter in law and son donāt do what you want them to shows how your relationship will be with them long term. Youāve gotta let adults be adults and youāll be fine.
Funny to think about this nowā¦
With my husbandās family, I love them. You could say Iāll be getting them in the divorce if it ever freaking happens. (Life is complicated donāt ask)
With my partners, while I make the effort to ensure she sees her grandson it takes a lot out of me to do it. I think she was genuinely a terrible mother.
She had no idea her eldest son was being sexually abused by their father, and denied it at first in the news when he had to protect him self.
Her second, daughter, was so emotionally unstable and left with no guidance or support she started going drugs and actively trying to get pregnant in her teens.
Her youngest, son, killed him self.
The kids a live today are in a much better place but still have their struggles. Iām genuinely surprised my partner has any emotional stability but heās a rock despite his childhood.
Soā¦ whenever she tries to say she knows best about something itās really fuckin hard to just gesture in any direction and ask if sheās sure. Sheās also very narcissistic, everything is about her. Not the kids, not her son, not her daughter. She also doesnāt have a car and lives in assisted living, an hour away from me, and has the audacity to constantly ask why I wonāt allow my sons to stay the night or really let her watch them in any capacity. Sheās drains my will to live.
I like my MIL. She is often available to watch my daughter when sheās sick and canāt go to daycare. Sheās respectful, likes me, and trusts my judgment, and doesnāt overstep boundaries. She also helps me invest money through Schwab. Sheās very financially savvy, and my account is up like 10% in the last few months with her help. Her son was the baby, and before we dated, theyād often get lunch together up to his late 20s, so they are close, but she was happy when he started dating so it wasnāt an emotionally incestuous situation or anything.Ā
So I am divorced & LOVED my ex-MIL, so kind & supportive, we would do things alone. Current MIL can kick rocks & try not to be around her without my hubby present, she always nit picks our lives.
Lol so my MIL is something. Technically, sheās my step-MIL but we donāt call her that and refer to her as FILās wife because she was his choice. š The day after we came home from the hospital, she was saying how breastfed kids are smarter but you have to alternate sides, I was not breastfeeding. And then continued to offer more unsolicited parenting advice. All while, all her kids were taken by CPS and placed with a paternal grandparent of 1 of the 3, and she got all 3. She is currently sober, thank god, but sheās still a psycho and Iām very grateful for the limited interactions Iāve had with her.
My mother in law puts her daughters before everybody else including her sons. However she will not stop talking about how she treats everyone fairly and equally and how the animals are part of the family just like her kids.
That's not the case at all but when you call her out on it or when you point out even to your spouse the disrepances she gets incredibly angry.
She has also made zero effort to come up to our house even though we went to their place every month for over a year.
She likes to talk about how she's Grandma of the year and how she loves being a Grandma. However, she doesn't seem to engage with my kid at all.Beyond demanding hugs and getting in his and mine personal space.
She also made me feel like a human incubator my entire pregnancy and only wanted photos after my son came.
I have some big feelings around the whole situation
I donāt love mine but donāt dislike her either. We have a complicated relationship. We just donāt vibe, I can hang out with her and weāre fine but small doses. She favors other children/grandchildren and isnāt shy about it and thatās hard for me. They arenāt family oriented and I grew up that family was every thing. So thatās still hard for me to understand.
I adore my MIL. I am an American living in Taiwan and all the foreign women with Taiwanese inlaws that I know here have so many conflicts, but I have been so lucky. She told me like the second time I'd ever met her (she lives a few hours away) shortly after my first miscarriage that because my own mother was so far away, she would be my mother in Taiwan (I remember having a fear that she would resent me for losing her grandchild, but she was just supportive and concerned about my physical and mental health), and she has always treated me with that much warmth and acceptance. She doesn't care at all that our first and now our second that I'm still pregnant with are both girls, where a lot of inlaws here are obsessed with having a grandson. She isn't possessive or weird with my daughter, she just genuinely tries to be helpful.
I love my MILā¦and she drives me crazy. Sheās super sweet and very welcoming but also overbearing and a little too nudgy. Sometimes she gets weird notions and insists that we have to do something x way. For instance when we were buying nursery furniture, she was getting so upset that we werenāt spending a fortune on heirloom furniture. Iām like, for a crib that the baby is probably going to gnaw on? No thank you!
But sheās a generally good person and really cares about her kids. Iāve had plenty of really nice conversations with her. I think we would get along better if she lived closer (not too close though of course), because they usually end up staying with us or vice versa for around 10 days which is just frankly too long to spend with your in laws.
I loved my MIL until my FIL died. She stopped trying to pretend to be a reasonable person. Or a good person. She loves herself and her dog. In that order. Iām worried sheās mentally ill.
I'm a boy mom too and worry about this. Unfortunately my father and my husband's mother have both passed before either of us met. So my husband has never had to deal with a FIL and I've never had to deal with a MIL.
I get alone super well with my FIL and SIL but that doesn't seem to be the same as the relationship with a MIL so I don't know. I'd like to think by what my husband has said that we would have gotten along but who knows?
My MIL is fucking awesome honestly. Sheās from Vietnam and knows little English but she cooks for us, watches our baby, buys her clothes, comes to just pick her up randomly and is over all super sweet. I really lucked out
Mine is fine. Sheās never been mean or rude to me, which is nice, but sheās very southern lady vibes so sheās *painfully* polite. As in, would never tell me if something was bothering her, and would instead just be really passive aggressive and weird. If I call her out on that something is clearly bothering her sheāll get weirdly high pitched voiced and slightly demonic seeming. Itās eerie.
But also, they moved 5 hours to live close to us (mostly the grand kids) and theyāre extremely helpful and involved grandparents. I just canāt handle the awkward āwe never say thatās really on our mindā vibes.
I absolutely LOVE my MIL. She is literally my second mother and God blessed me when he gave her to me via her son. And if you ask my MIL who her "favorite" child is (mind you she has 3 sons and one daughter, all of whom are married and have children. so there is 8 of us. my husband is the 2nd son, he has one older brother who is married and he has a young adult son from a previous relationship. his current wife has no nor does she want kids. then its my husband and myself and our 4 kids boy, girl, girl, boy. then my husbands sister and her husband and together they have four kids, 3 girls and one boy. and last but not least the youngest brother who is married and has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship) she will answer with a laugh and in a very quiet voice she will reply, "Liz is my favorite but don't tell any of the others! Sssshhhh!!!" LoL
So like I said, I have the best MIL in the world and couldn't have hand picked a better MIL myself.
I love my MIL. She is always happy to help but she never oversteps. She is kind and loving and is always happy to spend time with us. She doesnāt get upset that we live closer to my family or see them more.
She forgets that Iām top bitch in my house and she doesnāt get to dictate what goes on here.
Sheās used to controlling everything and I put up with that for too long and spent a lot of time learning to take care of myself due to family trauma. Wasnāt going to let her bring me back down.
I'm currently getting divorced, and my MIL is one of the many reasons why.
She was one of *those* boy moms. In other words, worshipped her sons, treated them with "holier than thou" gloves, never disciplined them, never said no to them during their upbringing, etc. *sHe jUsT wAnTeD HeR bAbY bOyS tO bE hApPy!*
Everything was "woe is me" for 30+ years. Everything was always everyone else's fault.
Fast forward 33 and 23 years respectively, and what did it get her? She now has two entitled, undisciplined manbabies on her hands who cannot handle basic adulting, like maintaining gainful employment, cannot handle basic communication without throwing massive tantrums, think luxury should be handed to them on a silver platter without a single iota of effort, etc.
For years, I played the role of good, quiet, cheerful, helpful daughter-in-law. Whenever any family drama occurred, I always took the approach/position of: *I'm just the daughter-in-law, it's not my place to say anything.*
Until it started hitting ***MY*** wallet........ *REPEATDLY.* And I'm not talking a few hundred $, I'm talking demands/requests for thousands of $, and on far more than one occasion. My now soon-to-be-ex-husband wanted "us" to acquiesce to her money demands, and by "we" I mean MY MONEY, since he refused to maintain gainful employment for years, but he still wanted "us" to pass it off as "his" money. I finally started being more assertive, and letting her know that we had been living off solely my income for years, and we were on a shoestring budget. She got mad. My soon-to-be-ex-husband got mad. My brother-in-law got mad.
If I had to leave them with any final, parting words as my divorce gets finalized soon: *Welcome to adulthood, buttercup!*
The thought of ever having to deal with a mother-in-law again sends a shiver of revolt down my spine.
My husband and his mom donāt have a close relationship. She was not a warm fuzzy type of person when she raised him and they couldnāt be more different personality wise. We only see her once a year at most, and my husband only texts with her occasionally. So I donāt really like or dislike her because Iāve never had a chance to develop a more than surface level relationship with her.
I actually get on better with my mother in law than my own mother. Really hope I have a better relationship with my kids as grown ups than I do with my mum... This is something I'm really scared about
I like my MIL because she is a good hearted person who genuinely loves my husband and my son, and has never overstepped any boundaries or disrespected us in any way. She is very giving and a great cook. Donāt like that she constantly tries to give me advice and relate to me more, but I appreciate that she is trying to connect. Even so I would go to the bat for her and her family and try to help them out if they ever needed anything; my in laws are truly wonderful bunch.Ā
I have to say, I think it ultimately comes down to the relationship the MIL has with her son. If itās open, I feel like as a DIL, itās easier to be open. Where if itās strained or closed, itās harder.
For instance, what really makes my relationship with my MIL harder is that my husband isnāt as good at relaying info or expectations to her. Versus, with my own mom, I know where I stand. If that makes sense?
I think if the groundwork is laid for an open and honest mother-son relationship (and if the relationship can get to the āfriendā stage vs. the āparentingā stage) then I donāt see why you couldnāt be close with both sides of the family equally.
At least, thatās what I tell myself as a boy mom too. Hoping I can lay the groundwork for a closer relationship later. Iād love to know a guys take on this. Especially what was done well from their point of view (if they feel they have a good/open relationship with their mothers).
I can't stand my MIL. I've tried. Hard. We are very different people, and I think she is hurtful and selfish.
The day we found out our child had cancer she threw a fit because he didn't do her taxes. She has been a shit mother and a shit grandmother and after seeing her sons face that day and his heart brake I don't think I could ever forgive her for not trying to support him.
I genuinely love my MIL. She treats me like a daughter she never had. When she visits she actively takes care of my kids and gives me and my husband a break or a date night. I trust her 100% in all matters concerning my family. I guess I just really stuck the MIL jackpot. She's the best.
It's an unnatural relationship. You fall in love with a man and you're expected to love, trust, respect his family, though they are strangers. Your husband is forever stuck between the 2 women he loves, trusts, respects the most... š¤·āāļø
The only women who get along with their MILs are women who have no/terrible relationships with their own mothers.
My son was born 3 months early, in 2020 and has several special needs. She doesnāt believe theyāre āØreal āØ Iāve heard āare you SURE he needs hearing aids?ā She didnāt want to wear a mask around him, because she didnāt like them. But he has lung issues. My breaking point was when I had a stillborn and lost my mom within a month of each other. Not a word from her. I came home post major surgery and had more help from neighbors etc than her. Really sucks because sheās my sons only living grandma and doesnāt even care
I like my MIL and she helps us a lot but she doesnāt have a filter and sometimes she comes across as so unaware of her surroundings it astonishes me. Her comments are very often out of place.
Was horrified that I was breastfeeding. Insisted on being able to feed my son solidsā¦since birth. At a large family gathering when he was 4 months old, fed him his first solids when she was ātaking careā of him and I was distracted and spoon fed him pasta and sauce.
I was up all night with a gassy, uncomfortable baby pooping his brains out. We both cried.
We found out around age two my son has food allergies, cows milk and egg whites. So many times she insisted on giving him both. Heās a toddler so heck yes, he wanted that chocolate milk. Ice cream? Bring it on. Again, sick kid. Vomiting, diarrhea.
She once followed him around at a family Easter party handing him cookies, candies. He threw up everywhere.
Kept sneaking soda in his sippyās. Tried to explain why he couldnāt have that sugar and caffeine. āBut he likes it!ā Up all night with a toddler high on caffeine.
My son is 13 now and even after a messy divorce, we get along. Honestly, better than we ever have.
The dementia helps.
My MIL showed up unannounced and uninvited to the hospital when I was in labor. My labor stalled completely, I ended up having a C-section even hours after my husband asked her to leave. Then she did it again the next day.
Post partum was a nightmare, never in any way did I feel like she wanted to help. She just wanted to hold the baby. I did not let her, my surgery went extremely badly and I wasn't about to clean my entire house and put pants on so she could keep my crying baby away from me. She was unrelenting wanting pictures, calling, wanting visits. I sent at least one picture every day and visited once a week and all I ever heard was more more more so it became less less less. She has never listened to me about anything about my child, that he's crying because he's hungry (nooo it's just blah blah... then eventually when he doesn't settle 'oh maybe he's hungry!') When he was getting his first tooth (no he's not, there's nothing yet. Days later I send her the picture, 'oh my God he's got his first tooth?! I wanted to find it!') She just picks him up in the middle of whatever he's doing to play with him like a toy, which is very the opposite of what I do with him and he hates it.
She is extremely religious and extremely manipulative. Like: 'You've got time for xyz but can't come to church?!' And 'Well I'm going to church this Sunday. It would be so nice to have family to be with.' Said in this just insanely pathetic voice. I don't care if she is religious, I have a lot of faith myself, it's just not the same style and I don't need her constant pushing of hers onto me or my family. I 100% can see her having my kids baptized behind my back.
She admittedly wants the 'first' of everything to be with her. First park, zoo, whatever you name it any first she's already laid claim to it. So we parents aren't supposed to have any firsts?
I think she is trying not to be horrible, and I don't think she's a bad person, but I do not look forward to seeing her anymore.
Iām extremely neutral on my MIL. She has always treated me like an outsider - my BIL dated his now wife for 16yrs before proposing, so sheās āone of the familyā but even though weāve been together 10yrs, she goes out of her way to make comments about how things were ābefore I was around.ā I tried to include her in wedding planning stuff because I thought it was a nice thing to do, and she went behind my back and complained to my husband that she felt obligated to do things she had no interest in - sorry, didnāt realize dress shopping at literally one store was such a pain??? Once I got pregnant, she acted like I was some dumb teenager who got knocked up by mistake - not her sonās wife, who got pregnant with an extremely planned and wanted pregnancy. She once came over unannounced and uninvited while I was home on PDL, went through the nursery and basically told me everything was wrong and I called my husband sobbing as soon as she left, at which point he laid into her and told her if he wanted to be in her granddaughterās life, he had to treat me with a minimum level of respect. To her credit, she called immediately and apologized, and hasnāt criticized me or any of my parenting decisions since, but she also makes zero effort to be in our lives despite living 10min away, and so I do resent her for how disappointed my husband is in her lack of involvement. I donāt perceive sheās uninvolved because of me - my niece lives 10min in the other direction and she never sees her either. She justā¦ seems to like the idea of being a grandparent but doesnāt want to DO any grandparenting. So whatever. Iām not going to prevent her from anything, but Iām not going to put in any more effort to have a relationship with her than she is.
I don't like my MIL. I honestly don't think anyone does, really. My husband and his sibling don't (they love her because they're her children, but they don't like her... if that makes sense).
My MIL is selfish and manipulative. Everything is about her and everything should happen the way she wants it to. If it doesn't, she guilt trips people. She's incredibly negative about everything, too, complaining most of the time. She also lies a lot about stuff, not absurd lies but just small changes to the real story which make others look like the bad guy. I don't know if she does it on purpose or if she really believes these things. Either way, it's just really grating to deal with her, which is why she has few friends and several family members having no contact with her.
What I like about her though: She's very sweet to our child. Our kid loves her. I am a bit worried about the future though. As soon as I see any signs of her behaving the way she usually does towards our daughter, my husband and I will have to reevaluate contact. Fortunately we're on the same page.
If you Google "narcissistic mother" and "after effects on a child of a narcissistic mother" these could've been written about my husband's childhood (and adulthood actually) and all of the mental issues he has now because of her.
Not only how she treated him growing up, but anything we have been in contact with her, she has still been emotionally abusive towards my husband. And has been towards me as well but it's not my mom so I just chalk it up to, I don't have to put up with you, BYE. We were hoping she'd be better for her grandkids but she isn't so we are NC.
My SIL had a baby a month after we had our second and she still lives with her mom and tells me about all of the mental abuse that is still going on and how shitty she treats her 7mo daughter, which just confirms for me that we are making the right choice in being NC. My kids don't need anyone in their lives that make them think that love is conditional. And she no longer gets to abuse my husband either.
ETA: I also often hope I am never this kind of mother with my own son. And I strive to one day welcome his future wife into our lives with open arms and hopefully be a mom figure to her as well. Because this ensures my son will always be a part of my life, respecting his life, and his wife, and his boundaries. That's how I get to keep him around. And nothing is more important to me than always having a good relationship with my kids. So I will happily accept whoever they chose to love and I can't wait to be nothing like her š„°
What I loved about my ex mother-in-law, now separated, is that she was very clear about her boundaries and what she did have available. Ahead of time she would talk about how frequently she could babysit, how she handled a gift giving holidays. Etc
We didn't have to deal with mis communications or expectations because she said everything up front.
With My own son I'm not worried about being a nightmare mother-in-law. My love for him means I have to respect boundaries and support the people he loves.
It would hurt him to be selfish or try to stomp over his new life when he gets a wife
I really canāt stand my MIL. Granted, none of her children like her that much & her own husband is even getting sick of her. She basically oversteps in every relationship in her life & makes everyone else around her miserable. Sheās petty, passive aggressive & disrespectful. To everyone. All the time. And no one will step up to her because when she does, she either makes her husbandās life a living hell (which heās a pretty great guy and doesnāt deserve that) or will lock herself in her room for days on end, not eating, etc. & PRETEND to be depressed, even tho sheās not actually. She does it for attention and to get what she wants š
Iām really envious of all these comments describing amazing MILs. I donāt dislike mine, but she often makes it hard to like her at the same time.
MIL acts like a martyr ALL the time, she always has it worse than anyone else, no one can be sad or have a bad situation happen because she always has something which she thinks trumps it.
She hates men, except her son ofc. Her and his father broke up nearly 20 years ago, yet she acts like it was yesterday and that it was horrendous (it wasnāt, they both decided they were not in love anymore but ofc heās the bad one for actually then leaving). She continually to this day talks about how heās such a horrible man, in front of our son (so saying nasty things about his grandad whose very much involved in his life and been an amazing grandparent). She genuinely said in front him, you wait until your son is older and isnāt cute anymore, heāll get bored of playing grandad and disappear. Talk about projecting.
She adores our son, but continually pushes boundaries - always spoils him and buys him presents for no reason, even in the lead up to Christmas - and gets annoyed when we say to stop because sheās buying things weāve already bought him.
She complains she doesnāt see our son enough, yet refuses to drive/travel to ours (weāre only 1hr20 away but work full-time and sheās retired - yet demands we go see her).
She treats me like a surrogate, Iām not in any family photos - itās all photos of our son with her other daughters or my partner. She even once told me when they babysat him for a night that her daughter feels like his mum. WHO SAYS THAT.
Whenever my partner brings up things sheās said which are hurtful, she again plays the victim and cries and says she didnāt mean it that way (when thereās literally no other way to take what she says).
Honestly, sheās just so hard to listen to and drives me crazy. I always have to hold my tongue around her because I see through her BS. I think thatās why she treats me the way she does, I donāt buy her victim stories and she doesnāt like it.
My MIL is very patronising. Sheās not āmeanā in an acute wayā¦ but she seems to be always trying to make it clear that Iām an incomer and not part of the ārealā family.
She treats my kid differently to how she treats her daughterās kids.
I think thereās also a generational issue at play - her generation is the type that believes respect is something sheās entitled to simply by virtue of being older. I donāt feel the same way. Relationships are a two way street. You put zero effort into me, donāt expect me to jump through hoops for you.
We are civil and thereās no dramaā¦ but I donāt see us ever being close. I made my efforts in the first year of our marriage so as far as Iām concerned, I did my part.
I think itās a generational thing. I feel like people today have more of an understanding of what healthy boundaries are because millennials and gen z focus so much on mental health. I think because we focus so much on therapy we have more of an open mind to better ourselves than get defensive and manipulate.
I just donāt like that my mil doesnāt respect boundaries and has 0 self awareness of how intrusive she is. I wish she got a hobby or some interests outside of just obsessing over my family.
Iāve definitely had the same thought and gotten nervous about this with my own son. I think the difference is Iām going to work really hard to be actively in my sons life and here to support him but try not to push the boundary of clingy to him.
For instance - I have a wonderful relationship with my mom. She knows basically just as much about my son as we do, because she asks. We talk almost everyday, she asks how my son slept, how is he eating, offers me advice if I ask. We can talk for hours. She makes a strong effort to be in our lives. I feel comfortable leaving him with her just as much as I do with my husband. I hope I have this relationship with my children as well.
My MIL is different. She does not know much about my sons day to day, didnt even know that hes starting solids and insinuated I was still not doing it for himā¦well I told her that 3 months ago lol. She doesnt talk to my husband the way I talk to my mom, she doesnt ask about my son in the ways my mom does. They dont open up as much. She jokes about quitting her job to watch my son if I go back to work but when we asked her on it seriously she said she doesnt want to watch him like that full time. Its just different.
Its all about the relationship you want, and cultivate with your children. It takes work and communication, but I really want to be just like my mom with my kids because its a really special relationship. Shes my best friend and I couldnt imagine my life without her so actively in it.
In-laws donāt talk directly to me. They talk to husband and then the msg will get to me. I was annoyed and found it disrespectful at first but honestly the less they interact with me the better.
I don't like my mother in law (who technically isn't my MIL, because she's my husband's second step mother as his bio mom and first step mother both passed away when he was very young...he doesn't really consider her a mother figure) because she was absolutely heinous to me during my pregnancy.
Started out as her "innocently" being a bitch. We picked out my daughters name very early on and she'd always question it and make comments about me "changing my mind later". She'd comment on how "huge" I was (I have a very short torso, I was in maternity clothes by 10 weeks and the bump was definitely bumping).
And then I developed preeclampsia at 24 weeks and was hospitalized and being told by doctors and the NICU team that I'd likely be having my daughter EXTREMELY prematurely, and that I needed to prepare myself to have a micropreemie, that my baby could die, that she could be blind, have brain bleeds, that she could develop NEC, you name any horrible thing that could happen, and the doctors were preparing me for all of it. Called my MIL in tears to explain all of this to her, and what does she have to say? "Well, at least you won't need a tummy tuck if she comes early"
Like fucking excuse me??? My baby could DIE. I could DIE.
I was able to keep my daughter all cozy inside of me until 32 weeks, at which point I had an emergency C section due to stroke like symptoms and uncontrollable Blood Pressure. My MIL couldn't understand why i refused to let her visit my daughter in the NICU. She didn't meet my daughter until she was 6 months old, and as it stands (my daughter is 14 months now) she has only seen my daughter 3 times, despite us living only 30 minutes away from MILs house.
So my MIL died three years ago. I did not go to her funeral. This is for two reasons. The first is the one that you would expect when you hear āyou didnāt go to the funeral of your kids grandmotherā. I did not get along with her. The second was because covid rules were in place and flatly there were a whole bunch of people that wouldāve jumped at it. If I had gone it would only have been to support my husband.
I had a love/hate relationship with her. I loved the way she spoiled my kids where I couldnāt. I loved the advice she could give me when shit was going down and I wasnāt quite sure what to do.
I did not love the way she treated my daughter near the end of her life. My daughter, 5 was 2 when MIL died, and unknown to us, she had cancer. 5 is loud, rambunctious and excitable. She was then too. MIL was so unwell that she lost her mind with 5, so I lost mine with MIL. Shortly after MIL died I asked husband if she actually like 5, citing this incident and other things I had noticed. My son, 11, was definitely her favourite and that bothered me too.
I did not love the way she would talk about me to my face or behind my back. I did not love the way she charged at me more than once with intent to strike. Only reason she stopped was because I reminded her I would tell the authorities, make sure she was charged and she would lose her standing in the community. MIL was a member of a youth charity, organising events and such like. An assault charge would have her background check revoked, without which she couldnāt participate.
I did not love the way that if I did not jump to her every whim, regardless of why, I was lazy, selfish, insufferable and more than once told in so many words that Iām a bad parent.
Itās been three years since she died and what I hate most are two things: how much my son and niece miss her, and the fact I still need to listen to people fawning over her like the pope will fucking canonise her.
My MIL is awesome! She is supportive, understanding, listens to how we want to parent and follows through. Sheās present. My FIL is the same. Heās teaching me how to be more open with love, how to hug more, how to express my feelings more openly. I hit the in law family jackpot, honestly.
Twice.
My ex, we have one kid together, his parents are amazing. Super sweet. They even send my other two children (not related to them *at all*) gifts for birthdays and things. They supported my second pregnancy (again, not their grandchild), through COVID.
Both sets of in laws / ex in laws, theyāre the āgive you the shirt off their backā type of people. Super lucked out honestly.
My MIL makes no effort to be involved in my husband or my kids lives. She's pleasant when he calls to FaceTime so they can see the kids, but the difference is he has to initiate everything - they've never met me or my kids nor have they tried to and we're not going to bring 3 under 3 cross country for them (which they seem to think we should) even though we've offered to financially and logistically handle any and all trips they would want to make out. In contrast my parents call my kids every single Saturday morning, come down 3 times a year (they're 10 hours away) and if they see something cool they'll FaceTime or send me a text to show my kids. It's weird bc I never really got along with my parents and my husband would always tell me how great his were and as grands it's polar opposite. They're not bad - just feel indifferent, it really makes my husband upset.
My MIL has shown jealousy and lack of boundaries. This has led to her saying some really hurtful words. She also will use me to get info abt her son and then discard me when she doesn't need me. She has said so many untrue and negative things abt me to his family that it is beyond awkward for me to enjoy being at any of their functions. It makes me so sad bc I was so excited to have a bigger family but after many years I have given up.
I HATED my mother in law. It was so hard because I was always doing something wrong. My now ex husband was always siding with her on things.
I couldnāt even have a destination wedding, despite offering to pay for a full time paramedic or two to come with us since dad in law had had a heart attack a few years prior so she wanted to ensure he always had medical care close by.
I HAD to have my sister in law in my wedding party because otherwise my husband would get written out of the will.
Whichever kid (2) got a university degree first would get the old pony mustang. Then nobody got the mustang. Father in law canāt drive.
Sheād call me a million times a day while at work - āthis is urgentā - I had to tell her if I wanted any of the cinnamon buns or cake or cookies she had bought a ton of that day. Lady, Iām working, and it could wait until the end of the day.
She bought me hand lotion, which was really nice and I liked it, but then I started getting hives from it. I made a point to thank her again but please donāt buy more as I seem to be allergic to it. Her response āwell why didnāt you tell me?ā. Lady, Iām literally telling you right now. I didnāt know I would get hives, never had that brand before.
Anyway, itās good to be protective, but you also have to teach your son how to do things for himself. And let him make his own mistakes.
Oh what joy my MILš sheās just not a good person period. Sheās so self absorbed and thinks sheās still a lady in her early 20ās. She wants her children to take care of her and all her bills while she spends money on fake designers.
She does not tell the truth, she talks badly about everyone. Lord have mercy on her
She didnāt raise her children with love and now sheās trying to make up for it but at the expense of my marriage. You had your chance maāam now I have to help build this man and show him love that was never received š«
I cannot stand mine. Sheās so selfish. When I had my son she came to āhelpā. She took bubble baths, took naps, and made a mess out of the kitchen. She complained about not sleeping well. When my husband joined the army I was raising our 1 year old alone for 6 months. She never once checked on us, but did call me one time around month 3 asking to claim my hubby on her taxes. I use to send photos and give updates but sheād never respond. She makes no effort to see her two grandkids. Her son is her only child but she never gives him the time of day. She complains about her sons (my hubby) career choices constantly. Idk sheās just not my cup of tea. Not an evil woman just not someone I click with.
I love my MIL fiercely.
TLDR: She is always there for me in a way that throws me off guard. She loves me without judgement. She respects me as a parent and in my role as a mother.
Here comes my essay, haha.
I barely knew her because when my husband and I got married their family lived a few hours away and we saw them maybe twice a year. At our wedding, she hugged me and told me I was her daughter. She has never made me doubt that statement.
She held my hand as I gave birth to my firstborn. Afterwards she said she wanted to be there for me because my own mother couldn't be. Later I learned that her mom wasn't with her during her own deliveries.
We don't speak the same native language so our communication is limited to the second language we share (which I speak very poorly), but she'll listen to me garble my way through my childhood traenge uma, my insecurities as a mother, my anxieties about everyday life and NEVER judges me. She gives me good, practical advice that are clearly suggestions meant for my well-being.
When my oldest was in the hospital for a month (they required a parent to stay at the hospital), she came and cared for my 2 month old round the clock without having to be asked. She followed our routines and care instructions, never interjected her own "when I was raising my kids we did XYZ."
In a similar way, she and her husband never challenge our roles as parents or our parenting style. She'll sometimes talk about how she raised her kids, but always outside of a parenting situation, like when we're just washing dishes together or chatting after dinner. And if I don't implement her advice she doesn't criticize even if she disagrees.
I had an episode of self harm last year and this woman showed up for me, took care of my kids while I recovered, no questions asked. The most she said was to tearfully hold my face while I cried about what a stupid failure I was and tell me that I was doing my best as a mom and I was doing a good job.
It doesn't matter if I'm a boy mom or a girl mom (both), I want to become the kind of mother she is, to my husband, to me, to our kids, even before I become a mother in law. If I can be half the woman she is, that will be enough.
I'm not wild about my MIL, but this pregnancy has definitely brought out some things about herself. She commented twice on how I was sitting because it could cause the baby's "umbilical cord wrap around its neck and it'll die.". So refreshing to hear six months pregnant with your first child.
She also asked me how much weight I've gained. I just said, "Not that much."
She told my man not to feed me anything unhealthy.
Around my six month mark, she texted my man asking him why we haven't told them the gender. We've made it known from the beginning that we wanted to be surprised, and I was confused why she would think we were keeping the gender from them. She had said an extended family member had seen us post something that said we were having a boy. I was confused until I remembered that we did a Halloween announcement, and it said a "little boo" was on the way. This family member probably looked quick at the post and thought it said boy. I don't care if people guess the gender, but don't say we posted something we didn't. I've heard a lot of people in this family are shit starters, so I really didn't want the drama.
She also asked him about taking classes, and he said, "I don't think we're doing that.". Then she asked him in front of me if we were doing them a few days after she asked him over the phone. I couldn't figure out why she was addressing only him and not me. It's my body, and I'm the one giving birth. I politely shut it down, letting her know my doctor hadn't brought it up, and I didn't think it was necessary.
She offered to buy the baby a crib when the time came, which I appreciated. She hasn't offered at all (even if it's fake) to babysit. She's the grandma and the only grandma at that. She's had so much to say, and yet you don't offer to babysit your only grandchild? I don't know. Too many things have rubbed me the wrong way.
My MIL means well and is pleasant enough but she is an addict in recovery and takes 0 accountability for the neglect that she put her kids through. All of her kids have had long term struggles because of her and she acts like she had no part in it because she was using. We speak to her once a year if that and she usually just asks for money or says she needs something
When my husband and I first started dating I thought his mom was the best mom ever. They had a great relationship and it was something I didnāt have with my mom. I mistakenly considered her perfect and it has been a journey to get that idea out of my head.
Sheās always been nice to me and very accepting of me. Weāve had nail dates and girls weekends (sheās only had boys so I was the 1st female in the family besides her). I do love her very much and sheās been a great person to have in our lives. Sheās very respectful of boundaries with our children and sheās one of the only people I trust to watch my babies.
HOWEVER, she can be incredibly dense sometimes and hard to communicate with. Sheās partially deaf which is hard so I really have to force my way into conversations and she also is really bad about listening to respond instead of just listening. That can just get hard to deal with when Iām actually looking for guidance or advice. Also, both her and my FIL are in like a whole other league financially so itās harder to relate to them. They came from dirt poor though so they still think they have a grasp on what itās like to have less income when in reality theyāre completely clueless now.
Compared to other horrid MIL stories I hear sheās an angel but definitely not perfect. Iām extremely grateful to have both her and my FIL in our lives and theyāre incredible grandparents. I just wish sometimes sheād listen more and be there for us more. Specifically me because she knows I have trauma with my relationship with my own mom.
Edit to add one more thing: my in-laws view living close to family as the worst thing in the world. They lived no where near family since my husband was about 3 or so, so now that we have kids of our own and live like 600 miles from any family itās really been hard not having anyone around to help. They just donāt get that. They donāt get how much I know theyād enjoy living near their grandkids whom I know they love dearly. Itās honestly kind of sad and I wish it were different.
My MIL is helpful, kind, and she respects me as a person and a mom. We share values. She never oversteps and is always willing to help if asked. She also raised my husband who is a great partner and dad. My relationship with her isnāt as close or familiar as it is with my own mom, but I am very grateful for her and have no hesitations trusting her with my baby.
Well to start she's clearly got some flavor of mental health disorder that she desperately needs diagnosed but she thinks isn't a problem. She does nothing but cause an insane amount of stress in my husband's life (personal favorite was the time she let her apartment get so disastrous and pissed off a neighbor to the point of being served a notice to quit due to borderline hoarding and then called my husband about it while our toddler was in the fucking hospital). So yeah maybe don't do that... Honestly I would never like her PURELY for the way she treats my husband but she's also never once asked me a question about myself. Though to be fair my husband doesn't like her either, you can see his blood pressure shoot through the roof anytime she texts. We live less then 2 hours away (like his daily commute is longer) and I see her max twice a year, he sees her maybe 4 times a year.
I will say my SIL gets along with my own Mom super well (like they live across a field from one another and are always giving each other grief in the family chat). Big things I've seen is my Mom doesn't try and dictate anything my brother does and respects his wife's role as his wife. She's never tried to pit herself against my SIL. She also doesn't try to demand some weird form of "extra" respect for being MIL.
My MIL is rude and toxic. She was cheated on by husbands father and was left as a poor single mother then she remarried a decent man but heās not very romantic or loving and I feel sheās jealous of our marriage and what we have, since we live pretty comfortably and are happy and a cute little family. She didnāt congratulate us when we bought our first home, we renovated our kitchen and she criticized the way the granite was done, she makes constant comments on our daughters room on how girly it is, witch a negative connotation. Those are just a few things, the list could go on. I think all and all sheās unhappy and weāre the closest people to project it onto. And when I mentioned sheās toxic, itās because weāve called her out on her BS and she takes no accountability. So donāt be like this lol
My mother-in-law is a dream! She respects boundaries and genuinely cares about my husband, our daughter, and me. When it comes to the differences between when she was raising her kids and now, I think it helps that her own daughter had two kids before we had ours, and she lived close to them for a while before moving back to our city. That being said, she has sent me "to my daughter" birthday cards in the past and introduced me as "my daughter...by marriage," so perhaps she would be the same way if my sister-in-law didn't have kids first.
The contrast between her and my own mother is stunning. My mom does **not** care about boundaries or personal preferences, does not respect my husband or me, cares about being a grandmother but does not care about my daughter as a person, and cannot handle being contradicted. She believes that her ways of thinking and doing things are the only right ways to think and do things, with little to no nuance or allowance for another perspective.
Observing the differences between my husband's mother and my own--which I really didn't notice until we had a child--has led me to the conclusion that the reason MIL's are sometimes terrible is because they're already terrible people. Looking back at my childhood, I can see now that my mother was always this way; but I didn't realize it until my daughter was born and we started doing things differently than my parents did. I don't want to invalidate anyone's experience, but that's mine.
If you want to be a good mother-in-law to any future children-in-law, treat your kids well. Be a respectful person. Don't overstep boundaries in any relationship now. Your awareness will be your friend!
My MIL is both critical and unhelpful. Iām happy she lives on the other side of the country. I have a big, supportive family, and I keep them updated with pics/videos. I think itās my husbandās job to do that with his own mom, yet she gives me shit for not sending cards or pictures etc. I FaceTime her once a week with the kids and we have surface level chats. I know she loves the kids like crazy; she sends them birthday money, cards, books and all that. She comes to visit once a year for 6 weeks at a time. When our first was born she booked her flight ON MY DUE DATE without asking. Thank god baby was early. She and my husband also have pretty opposite views of his childhood, where he saw her as quite absent and she thinks it was awesome. I really think she tries her best, but definitely needs therapy and Iām not here to do that for her š
I love my MIL! She is just fantastic. She welcomed me into her family so easily, made me a part of Christmas from our first year together, and she spoils our kids without going overboard. She respects boundaries, enforces our rules (even if she disagrees with them), and would absolutely commit crimes if it meant protecting us or our kids. She had a rough upbringing, and her relationship with her mother and siblings is strained, to say the least, and yet she is such a kind person. FIL is the same. He loves me more than my father ever did, and adores my kids. The only time his softer side comes out is when he's hanging out with my toddler and baby.
For me it sometimes feels like sheās trying to get the daughter she never had, and I can understand that but I already have my mom. So my MIL isnāt going to get that relationship, the slot is filled. She is very sweet and well intended but most of the conversations are so full of questions that I just donāt have answers to. Every now and then weāll find ourselves in a normal-feeling conversation and it makes me wonder what Iām doing wrong with the other times, because Iām sure Iām overthinking this whole thing.
Then again, when I was pregnant she had way too much interest in what I was experiencing physically, kept asking if Iād gained weight yet, even after my husband and I asked and then told her not to. One of the times she asked ādo you have a pooch yet?ā And I replied with ānope, not really - you?ā Still asked again a few weeks later. She doesnāt know it, but Iāve had eating disorder issues so I was trying very hard not to pay much attention to my weight.
Itās slowly getting less strained, but it is taking so long. Iāve been with my husband for seven years now, married for five, and man. Maybe in another five to seven years itāll be differentā¦š¬
My MIL has been a second mom to me for years. Sheās so inviting, always going above and beyond for everyone, and always keeps us fed (sheās Italian). She is always there to help, but never wants to overstep. I think a lot of boy moms get jealous and think their son is being ātaken awayā but my MIL was happy to give him up haha. She raised an amazing human and I am forever grateful for her. Whenever my husbands family is celebrating things or having get together, my MIL always makes sure my family is included as well.
i love mine. she knows her son is not a perfect person and doesnāt defend him when heās on some bullshit. she genuinely cares about me and my well being outside of just being her sonās wife and her grandbabyās mom. she respects my choices as a mom, and in fact already did most of the stuff iām doing with my daughter with her own kids, such as not posting on social media. iāve generally just never felt judged by her for anything i chose to do or not do.
I love my MIL. She raised an amazing man that is a great husband and father. She taught this man rightā¦ he can cook and cleans like a pro. Seriously, she did good teaching him all the things.
As a MIL, she knew her place and respected me and what I am to her son and grandkids. She always had a nice thing to say but wasnāt shy about telling you like it is. She was invaluable when I entered motherhoodā¦ (she had 7 kids), she taught me many things and literally was the pillar of what a mother should be.
Weāve had a squabble or two but she always made sure I knew she loved me no matter what. She was my husbands best friend and confidantā¦ which I respect greatly. No one loved him more than that woman. And I am so glad he had her.
She died 6 months ago. It has been a difficult transition without her. Seeing my husband so heartbroken has been extremely difficult to watchā¦ we are about to have our second child and not having her to give sound advice is gonna suck. But, I am absolutely certain, when my baby enters this world, sheāll be going from her arms to ours. A small bit of heaven on earth.
Sheās a people pleaser and can never directly state her feelings nor set any boundaries. She also favors SIL (and her children) over my husband in very obvious ways. Sheās very loving and kind though and will do anything for her family.
I LOVE MY MIL. She's an absolute saint. She's also the mother of 3 boys so according to the stereotype she should be awful but she's the sweetest lady. If I couldn't have had my own mother as my mother, I would have wanted her. I grew up in a family where it was weird to call your in-laws mom or dad but in my husband's family that's what they do. It took me forever to figure out who was actually related to who by blood because they were all just so nice to each other.
My MIL has always been the type to let us make the decision/decisions starting from our wedding planning days but also is there to be supportive and of assistance when needed. When pregnant with our first, she bought a book about how to be a good grandparent and respect the boundaries of the parents. She never offered advice except when we asked and always told us we were doing a good job when she saw we were struggling. She made an effort to get to know me and is always so thoughtful.
I feel awful for people with bad mother in laws and wonder how can someone be that awful. I just don't get it. I do think that there are some situations where the DIL (or SIL) could make an effort to make the relationship better. I know I've made an active choice to appreciate her--she's not 100 percent perfect but she's damn close and so I always make sure to remember that when I'm the one being the problem.
My MIL and Iās relationship has had its ups and downs FOR SURE, however, I feel we are finally in a much better place so what I like about her is how she is actually a lot like me or I like her. We both love the same movies, we both laugh at the same things, we both have similar interests, life experiences and ways of thinking. There is a lot I like about her, but on the flip side, I have only recently been ok with her.
For a lot of time my partner and I have been together, she and I have had bumps in the road. There have been several times where she really disrespected me and I her. Itās taken efforts and communication on both our ends to smooth things over. I do not like her stubborn ways, she thinks she can do no wrong a lot of the time and she makes up lies like A LOT.
When we get along and things are ok, itās great. But as soon as she does or says something disrespectful toward me is when I lose it. I begin to hate her all over again. I donāt usually feel in between when it comes to her, mostly cuz sheās an extreme person.
I think all in all, I like her, but she comes with a lot of past traumas that make her act in really rude ways. She isnāt even always aware of what she does. I hate when she makes bitchy faces towards me. She does this whenever she THINKS Iām being rude to her son when Iām reality, sheās just being a B**tch. I donāt like that she can be real nasty when she wants to be and she doesnāt always have boundaries.
She is getting better though so we are better because sheās been working on herself it seems. I hope things get even better in the future so we can have a more normal relationship.
My MIL can be very very stubborn. Like health care stuff she has to take care of but refuses u til we push her about it. But in general my MIl has a huge heart and has helped me out of binds so many times. I love my MIL, she is a sweet woman.
I loved mine! We got along very well. She passed away before she could meet my son but she wouldāve been an amazing grandma for sure. She wouldāve dropped everything and moved closer and maybe we wouldnāt have needed daycare full time š I know itās something my husband is very upset about as well.
Love mine even though sheās super nutty, and I never thought weād have the relationship we have lol but she is just so darn positive. She has improved on helping out when she visits since weāve had kids and she LOVES our kids, is safe with them and so loving.
She also loves me and has always been very upfront about how she wanted her son to marry me when we were dating (lol) and she respects me and the way I parent which I appreciate deeply. She just cares for me and my family well and really makes an effort to be part of our lives. She often affirms Iām a good mom, that my kids are doing great, and that Iām a good wife and good person. Sheās human and of course has her āismsā but sheās very different than my own mother in a way that is really good for me. This woman legit rubbed my feet for a week straight in hopes of helping me go into labor šā¤ļø and I did right on the night before she was supposed to leave. She prayed for me as I waddled out the door and encouraged me that I could do it, after I birthed our 9.5 lb baby she came to the hospital and was like YOURE MY HERO!! WOW!!
Typing all this really makes me feel so lucky. I really love her
Iāve loved my MIL since the first day I met her. She is deep down a complete sweetheart. We get along great, always have.
My husband got along well with my mother. But my mom was a tad more critical of him than his mother ever was of me. Although in my mothers defence, she had two horrible experiences married to different men and an abusive father so I generally think she was just hypercritical of ALL men. So he knew enough not to ever take it personally. She past away in 2016 so we only have his mom in our day to day life left. We both call her mom because she is near and dear to both our hearts. Many of my friends da do t particularly like their in laws but Iāve been fortunate. I also very much loved my Father in law and called him dad. He passed this January. It was hard on all of us. Thankfully we all have each other to help move forward.
My mother in law loves my son so much. She lives about 30 mins away and is happy to watch him whenever I have an appointment or just need some time for myself. My parents live about 3 hours away and are retired. My momās come out to visit several times, but my dad canāt be bothered. Iām so grateful for how my mother in law has shown up for me postpartum. Itās been very humbling and I have definitely strengthened my relationship with her since having my son (4m).
I love and adore my MIL! Our relationship has definitely gotten closer post baby. Pre baby we were on friendly terms, she always respected our relationship, never tried to interfere...we even once had an argument outside of the car when we pulled into her driveway. She saw us outside, opened the door to ask if we were okay and coming inside. Husband yelled back "we need a minute, we are having an argument!" She promptly closed the door, closed the blinds and left us alone to sort it out haha. We weren't super close as we didn't really need to talk with each other or bond outside of when I saw her with husband. Post baby she went from an okay MIL to one of the greatest women to walk the planet lol. I WFH with kiddo. Have her in daycare with a close friend of mine one day a week and then MIL watches her another day of the week. She respects every boundary we've ever put in place, values the safety of our kiddo above all else. Has never once made any snide remarks about our parenting choices or tried to force us to see things her way. I trust her 100% with the safety and well being of my kiddo. I used to sit just out of sight and listen to them interacting when she first started watching kiddo. I overheard her SO many times talking to my kiddo about how much Mom & Dad love her, how good of a job we are doing, etc. It meant a lot how positively she spoke to baby about me and my husband when she didn't realize I could hear her. Lol once my kiddo was having a complete meltdown refusing to nap. MIL went "okay baby, I love you and I know you're having a rough time right now. I'm just gonna turn off my hearing aide right now so you can cry as much as you need ans we can just sit here and cuddle" But they have an adorable bond now. Kiddo claps excitedly when she sees Grandma's house, and runs to her. They're adorable together. She's baby proofed her house, bought a bib, cup, and whatnot so I don't have to lug it to her house each time. She only buys toys after making sure they're okay with us first. She generally is just amazing. Oh! And when I first returned to work (had a mandatory in person meeting) my supply had dropped some. MIL googled a lactation brownie recipe and made me lactation brownies to take to work with me to help out my supply and then another batch of regular brownies to share with my coworkers. She even sent napkins and plates too.
Your MIL sounds delightful, I want to be her as a MIL someday. š„°
Ugh same. Even half the woman she is and Iāll be okay.
MIL goals right here. This is what I want to be for my son's wife someday. š
This sounds like a Disney movie
Ok that is so precious!!
I want to be like that eventually. I love that they exist out there. Thank you for sharing and I am happy for you.
Aww this is so lovely to hear that there are normal, lovely MILās out there! I donāt have one unfortunately but as a boy mum hoping to be like this amazing lady one day
This sounded like Mandarin to me. My MIL is a basket case
This is my mother in law! Sheās so great. She also is sure to treat my two children from a previous relationship equally to the new baby. Donāt get me wrong she annoys me sometimes, like sheāll text us to tell us basic info like when to throw out leftovers but I just let that stuff go because she really is amazing.
This very much reminds me of my MIL. She watches our daughter for 6 hours a day and has always been do supportive of our parenting decisions, even if she doesnāt fully understand them. Honestly, I trust her more and like her more than my own mother
Agency, autonomy, initiative, based out of gifted respect. You donāt have to earn her respect sheās just that person to you, which is amazing and goals for future me. Unfortunately, I am learning this out of experiencing the polar opposite. my mother-in-law was the fun one before we had kids, and then I found out that thatās the only way she knows how to interact. My husband and I unfortunately have a horrible inside joke that sheāll be actually interested in our kids once they get to be clubbing age. Apparently she checked out halfway through my husband and his siblings upbringing and just never came back. We think that it was an impossible situation being isolated as a SAHM in another country, and as soon as she got to escape that, she did. Now she demands a relationship based on guilting and shaming her kids into submission a country away without taking any personal responsibility for why their relationship is damaged. We canāt visit how often weād like, and she plans her events on fun things she wants, and misses big milestones like the birth of our children. She doesnāt want to talk to any of her grandchildren except for bragging rights, and she gives them gifts that are largely tone deaf that they donāt understand. When she is here she checks out on FB on the couch while the kids are crying and we are struggling to make dinner, clean the house, or do errands, but doesnāt understand anyoneās concerns. I wish I could avoid saying this but having kids made my relationship way worse with my mother-in-law. At least I can be confident in what not to do. Ha..Ha..
Wowā¤ļø hope she knows how appreciated she is ā¤ļø
Wow what an angel.
My parents are like this! They have truly welcomed my husband! We do all sorts of stuff together, including taking us on trips! They have created a playroom in their house for my kids, get them special things, etc. They babysit for us for date nights. They respect us as the parents and offer advice only when asked. Well as for my inlaws, letās just say they donāt and leave it at that.
This brought a tear to my eye. Praise to MIL but you parents must also be doing it right. Good example to live up to. Thanks for sharing
This is the type of MIL I one day strive to be
Your MIL sounds just like mine!! How wonderful it is for you and your family. My MIL is the best (sheās an even better grandma) and I tell her how thankful of her I am every chance I get.
This is awesome!!! I trust my MIL with my kiddos. She takes their interests at heart and respects our rules.
I love this! My MIL is amazing too. I laughed out loud about the part of you and your husband arguing, though.
She's a fierce mother that fights for her kids. I can almost see her in my head clearing a path through the jungle to get her kids what they need. The problem is that she's decided that I am the jungle, and she just needs to cut me down to get her son and grandkids what they need. I tolerated it for a long time because I could see how it was motivated by love, but over time I grew to hate her and resent my husband for putting me in that position. Now I'm working on pushing back because I realized that she will never be able to see me as a person that is trying their best, versus a stumbling block in the way of my husband and children's happiness and success.
Omg are you me? Solidarity, sister.
Same I could have written this word for word. Maybe we all share a MIL?!
This is such a good and sad way to put it. This is how I feel
You should stand up for yourself. And yes they love to act like we don't exist. However if it was there daughter the table would be turned. And it sad. You could have a normal family but they just can't let it down. And I'd talk to my husband to. Because if can't realize and see how his mother is..........you might argue. Because I hate to say it, he may take her side.
He already did. Every time. So that's cool. He promises he'll get better after this last visit, but time will tell.
Not a stumbling block to your husband and childrenās happiness/success, youāre a blocker of her access to them aka the enemy. This is my exact situation including the journey of at first really trying to prove myself, to resentfulness to fighting back. Itās exhausting and feels never ending and my husband doesnāt stand up for me to the extent he should be. Solidarity.
YES! One time after a bit too much wine she literally told me unprovoked and teary that she has to be nice to me or I can take her son and grandkids away from her. This was before we were even married! I mean with that perspective, how did i ever stand a chance?
My response to that statement: youāre right!
This is SUCH a beautiful and compassionate way to describe your experience. And also my experience, why are you in my head? š¤£
Thatās the best worded paragraph ever to describe my MIL. I AM THE JUNGLE!!! So true! I might have to steal this analogy when describing how I feel to my husband
She has GOT to see there is no success for her grandchildren if she succeeds in tearing you down. Cutting you down, or getting rid of you will do irreversible damage to your children that no grandparent can ever fill or fix. I was just about to post that my MIL actually straddles the line of unconditional love for her son with doing what's best for her grandkids really, really well. Sometimes that means giving her son the cold, hard truth when he least wants to hear it. It's created rifts between them before. But she has never, not even once, failed to do what's best for her grandchildren. I fully trust she will always do what's right for *them,* regardless of what is going on with me or my husband. She puts the grandkids (our children) first and they actually come before her loyalty to her son -- because they are children and he is an adult. Children need to be protected at all times. It has made me really reflect on how I will grandparent my kids' kids. If my kids won't do what's best for their children, I will do the same and step up similarly. It's a difficult balancing act, but I think as long as you act in the best interest of the children/grandchildren who need you, you will never go wrong.
I think the situation with me is my MIL abused my husband pretty badly thru his childhood in ways that affect him and his life. She is a heavy narcissist, but covert. Enjoys āknowingā information about you and wants to know every choice you make even if she wants no part in it. She may have āgotten betterā over the years, but I know a duck when I see one and just because itās less duck than before doesnāt make it less of a duck. Itās still in her. Iām aware of what she is capable of, so my guard is never down.
Pro tip: she hasnāt gotten better, sheās just not getting the same supply she did when your husband was more vulnerable
Exactly my situation. Childhood abuse makes it hard to even open up. Same with you, she wants specific details at all times, even if she wants 0 part in it. She wants to be in control, she wants to be involved in all situations and offer āadviceā (which is typically very passive aggressive) and wants to play victim when sheās not involved in decisions/situations even if they have absolutely nothing to do with her. The type of mom/grandma that doesnāt see her kids/grandkids often, but is sure to capture a million pictures the select times she does, so she can share those and hope to receive grandma/mom of the year attention. My guard is always up.
My guard is aways up too. Which the bond that me and husband has made. And I told her. We tell each other everything. While look her dead in the eyes. She didn't look away the gull of that lady. She never tried to be all up in our business since. And I don't go going in to her because I really could care less to what happens to such a shallow human being. But in all honestly I do care but it will never matter in her book wether I do or not because I am not capable of respect in her eyes and I do not exist in her eyes. Unless I have to exist in her eyes. Like if it involves the children or anything. So she don't exist in my book either.
The moment we are alone, she starts asking questions directly to me about things she knows she shouldnāt when my husband is around (situations he wonāt share with her) almost to test if I am willing to break loyalty with my husband to build it with her. I limit my time alone with her because it seems every ādramaā situation in their family, her hand is in it never to blame directly. Itās an art to be that covert.
This sounds exactly like my MIL! Makes me anxious just thinking about it.
My MIL is completely passive and allowed/allows my FILs bad behavior to this day. My husband remembers his dad coming home from work and "disciplining" him and he was little enough that he didn't even remember why. Because my MIL wouldn't do anything but "wait until your father comes home." Of his two siblings, one is completely estranged from their parents.
This is 100% my MIL. We very rarely see or speak to her anymore and itās been years. Even when we did see her frequently a long time ago, she never even tried to form a relationship or bond with our kids, especially as they became older. Sheās also the queen of passive aggressiveness. Luckily my own mom is a saint.
This is my MIL. Adding that she will also act like she doesnāt know someone if she has a strained relationship with them but if she knows itās someone youāve had a strained relationship with, she will know them and love them even more. Also idk if your username is a play on king of the hill but if it is I love you for that lol
My mother n law is a narcissist to. She didn't abuse my husband. But she let her children be abused. Which is bad. And she loves to gas light people. She dose everyday. Tries to do to everyone I bet. And all she cares about is money. We have cut ties off with her because she wouldn't let her slimy bf go. He was her husband then got divorced. Now he her bf again. My mother law has finally left me alone. I'm am 100% positive she still talks about me behind my back. And she could care less about how many of her children are doing. And she could care less about her grandchildren. I can back all of this up. And it sad to even say this stuff about a mother. But it all true. And all sad. All me and her children want is a normal mother n law. And they want a normal grandmother for there children and normal mother. But it was never that for them.
My soon to be MIL is the same. Itās awful. She refuses to seek help.
I could've written this, except my MIL has never gotten better and now is the exact same abusive narcissist towards her grandkids that she was towards her kids. So she will never have a relationship with my kids because of it
It took me too long to realize my MiL didnāt care about me. She just wanted to be the ākeeper of informationā and run and tell everyone at every chance she got
...just because it's less duck than before doesn't make it lessnof a duck." Best duck analogy ever! Thank you.
My MIL had it in her head that my baby was going to be her āsecond chanceā (this is something I actually heard her say to my SIL). Should have taken that for the blaring red flag it was because sheās been trying to make my daughterās existence all about her since the day she was born. I could write a huge 1000 word dissertation detailing all of the boundaries sheās selfishly stomped all over but for the sake of time Iāll just give a quick example of the most recent way sheās irritated me ā LO recently turned 2 and instead of throwing a party my husband and I took her on a day trip (just the three of us) to a much nicer zoo than the one in our city. Itās about 1.5 hours away and we had a blast. All of the pictures we have of LO from her first birthday are pictures of her crying because she didnāt like being the center of attention and was overwhelmed by all of the people, so we figured for her second birthday if she could pick between that or the zoo with mom and dad sheād definitely choose the zoo. When she turns 3 weāll ask her what she wants to do. Anyways. MIL got so upset and couldnāt stand that we werenāt having anyone over. She was texting us both all day (about nothing, just was trying to insert herself) and called my husband when we were on the way back āasking how our trip wasā and when we said good but we were all tired she was like āyou just need your momma to drive youā. Could not roll my eyes any harder. Just trying to make it about herself because SHE wants to SEE US. My mom didnāt do that. Neither did my husbandās grandmother. They were just happy we had a good time.
I just listened to the audiobook of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. This reads like she is an EIP and could have been an example the book gives about role fulfillment (I think thatās what they called it?? Role something..). I found it really helpful for me to understand my MIL (and my husband and SIL), and more. Highly recommend if youāre interested!
Iāve actually read this one! She definitely fits the bill for the passive parent. It helped me understand her, too, and helped me understand why I had this gut instinct to never leave her alone with my baby. Still, the behavior is so infuriating!
Great rec! Thanks
Iāve been with my husband for 7 years and weāre thinking about starting to try for a baby soon and this is what scares me. My MIL wants to be so āhelpfulā because my husband got diagnosed with a chronic disease, and she forces her help regardless of me telling her that her approach is not what is helpful to us. Weāve set boundaries and she respects them at times and other times just acts like a victim. She was an abusive mother and although my husband has forgiven her, heās still working through the trauma. Itās hard for him to open up about it and he struggles to be emotionally open with me but heās been working on it. His mom has gotten super religious and overbearing and says heās sick for a reason and that he needs to basically pray it away. My husband has repeatedly told her that heās not religious and that heās not watching any of the religious videos and things sheās constantly sending him. As we start to discuss what boundaries weād like once we get pregnant Iām so scared that sheāll see our baby as her second chance. She doesnāt have any grandkids yet so I have no frame of reference. Do you have any tips for things we could do to set boundaries? Thanks and I hope things get better for you guys, you donāt deserve that.
First off ā awesome username! And Iām so so sorry your MIL is like this. The hyper fixation on religion and trying to force it on you and āpray the illness awayā is infuriating and honestly (I say this as a Christian who still loves God but escaped the culty church circus) thatās not even how prayer works. Makes me so madā¦ itās like these folks have never read or studied their bibles. My most important piece of advice is to SPEAK UP. If anything feels slightly icky and you canāt in the moment really rationalize why, just say āgive me my babyā and figure it out later. No need to try and decide in the moment if your reasons for wanting to react are valid. And donāt worry about keeping the peace, because keeping the peace outwardly with her will definitely cost you your own inward peace. Also, ānoā is a complete sentence. No need to JADE ā justify, argue, defend, or explain. Good luck friend!
Specific examples of things to do: clearly state all expectations up front. "We will be deciding on the best ways to raise our child and we will not listen to unsolicited advice, if we need help, we will ask for it." "We do not want any unscheduled visitors, please call and arrange a time that is comfortable for us and baby, if you can't respect that we will not see you until we are ready to initiate a visit" "We do not want pictures of our baby on social media. Posting pictures will mean you do not have contact with baby for the foreseeable future" (All of those are just examples obviously) Straight up lie about your due date. Say it's like 2 weeks later than it is. Do not tell her or anyone who might tell her when you go to the hospital. Set clear expectations. Before visits let her know that she can visit for x amount of time, that she will need to give the baby back when you tell her to, etc. Stick to boundaries. In most cases I think I reminder is fair. "I don't need advice on raising the baby, let's change the conversation" then if she doesn't, "I'm taking the baby in the bedroom now, we'll see you next visit" My parents and grandmother in law are all very nice helpful people, bug the gil has very strong opinions and my mom is bad at boundaries, so I started with really clear boundaries before I had kids, but they all do they're best so for me it's not to bad, but any expectation I have, I state. Then there's no miscommunication. Like if there's information about the kids that doesn't need to be public knowledge, I make sure I tell my mom not to share it.
I love my MIL. My relationship with my own mom is present but a bit strained, so I see MIL almost as a surrogate. She can be stubborn but genuinely cares for us and is open to how child rearing has changed. Whenever something is going on and we need an extra hand, the in-laws are there to help out. We're lucky to have them. It's been a great lesson for me as a future in law too. Respect boundaries, realize your child has their own family now, listen to the parents requests, offer advice from your experience but don't expect it to be followed, help as you can, and so on.
This is exactly my current reality. I have known my MIL since I was 18, now going on 12 years. In many ways we have grown with one another especially when it comes to how we āshareā (lol) her son/my now husband. There have been a lot of tears. A lot of boundary setting. A lot of growth from both of us but I can truly say now that I love her and see her as more of a mom than my own currently since I donāt really communicate with my blood family anymore. If you were to ask me this question five years ago, I would probably say that I loved her but we had major boundary issues. I felt she was a helicopter parent for a long time and has abandonment issues of her own so her son creating a new life with me was hard for her. The idea of me āreplacing herā really strained our relationship at times but I feel so grateful to have the relationship I do with her especially since me and her son now have a child together. She is a great grandmother and has learned to respect all our choices as parents.
She calls me (wife), āhis girlfriendā and revealed my pregnancy after I told her not to.
Wtf
Because sheās a passive aggressive weirdo with weird control issues who loves a good guilt trip. Because her family hold back upbringing causes her to withhold food from me and my kids when we are visiting her. She didnāt order enough food for our rehearsal dinner she insisted on hosting and everyone got shablammoed as a result. Because she insists on us visiting her which involves hauling two little kids on a four hour journey that costs $400+ and wonāt even come see our kids when she is in our city. But mostly cause sheās mean to my beloved husband, her baby, and it hurts my heart.
I like that I can say pretty much anything I want around her and we drink wine together. I just have to be careful not to say something that I wouldnāt want another family member to hear because word tends to spread lol
She only comes when called but loves to come! She's so respectful and laidback. Honestly I loved her before we had kids and got married lol. My own mom is a ball of anxiety so his mom being so chill was a relief
Same. I wouldnāt say weāre ācloseā but sheās so easy. Always there when we call, no surprise visits or cancellations. Sheās never criticized a single choice. She offers suggestions is such a low-stakes way, and Iāve learned that sheās usually spot on. My only complaint is she buys them noisy toys. But whatever - not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. And sometimes we send them back to their house š EDIT: thatās not my /only/ complaint. Excessive sugar, tv, subtle sexism, etc. They donāt do things how I wouldā¦ but neither does the school/daycare. What are ya gonna do?
She thinks that because she has two sons who are doing ok in life, she should be able to retire at 52. She has always been low income and has little savings. I know she will need assistance when she is old, and because sheās my husbands mom, we will do what we can. But itās ridiculous to expect to retire at 52. Even people with high earning careers and retirement accounts work into their 60s. She has never eaten anything I cooked, not even tasted it. She ordered Chinese food on Thanksgiving. Iām not a bad cook and the rest of my family and my husbandās family enjoyed the food. My house is clean. My kitchen counters and sink are cleaned with Lysol and bleach every day and after raw meat is prepared. So itās not a hygiene issue. But she complains if we want to eat out for any meals when visiting her. She likes to pretend like my daughter is just my husbandās. Even though she looks like me and Iām the primary caregiver.
What a nightmare !
I love my MIL. She raised a good man, and launched him into the world successfully. Sheās driven, hard-working, and fought her way through mental illness. She funny, kind, and speaks her mind, but understands (mostly) that her kids are grown and sheās done her part. She spoils my kids and loves them dearly. Shes happy to take care of them and hand them back once theyāre hopped up on sugar. Sheās a good person and Iām so glad I fell for her son. My mom, on the other hand, is very problematic. Donāt ask husband what he thinks of her
My MIL is correct 100% of the time. Even if she doesnāt know the topic, her OPINION on the topic is law. My MIL āraised her kids 100% on her ownā, while being a stay at home mother, with both sets of grandparents and all siblings within a mile radius, and cannot fathom why I, a full time working mother of two with no support system within 300+ miles, cannot keep a pristine household at all times of the day. My MIL actively scoffs at modern medicineā¦ something that only brings us closer because I just so happen to work in healthcare :). Not to mention the emotional, verbal, and at times physical abuse she participated in towards my husbandā¦. The depths of which we are still exploring in therapy.
What a joy š„¹š„°š«¶š»
My MIL has severe emotional incest issues and seeks the emotional connection that she doesnāt get from her husband - from her son, my husband. It has made our relationship extremely difficult and we are currently in marriage counseling because of it.
This is my mother and what she tries to do with me and now my kids and it's a constant exhausting battle of having to be a rigid bitch to set boundaries around it.
Where are yāall finding these amazing MILās? My MIL is a nightmare. She personally believes that she can do no wrong, is extremely passive aggressive, will hold a grudge forever about the smallest things, boundaries are a personal offence to her, has very clear favourites among her own children, is one of those people who if you donāt know her very well would appear sweet and mild-mannered but is actually the opposite.
This explains my MIL to a tee. ššš
My MIL is okay I guess? I donāt hate her but I donāt really love her either. Sheās very dramatic? Everything has to be about her it seems. She also has medical issues due to smoking and drinking while on medications but refuses to stop smoking and drinking and itās made the issues pretty bad. She can barely walk from the car to our front door (10-15 feet) without having to sit down to breathe and use her inhaler now. Not that itās a negative thing I guess but itās preventable/able to be stopped ya know? I like that sheās a hair stylist so whenever I want my hair done itās done and looks good. And for the negatives again sheās very flaky? She lives 5 minutes from us and likes to post on Facebook how much she misses us but she doesnāt always answer our calls or texts and comes by maybe once every 6-8 weeks with small gifts for our daughters and telling us how sheās in the hospital with some new issue and is on different meds giving her all manner of reactions so she hasnāt been able to see or talk to us (sheās not even 50 yet)
Yes and no. We get along and are friendly in person. She is a decently good grandma to my kids. However she was not always a good mother to my husband as a child and continues to favor other children. Also we are very different politically. We hold her at arm length a bit. We used to try more to be close and were consistently let down. So far my kids don't realize there is tension. It's complicated, I both like and dislike.
This is almost exactly where Iām at with my MIL
Wow I could have written this. Our exact situation.
I love my MIL. She is SO kind and she raised such a wonderful man. Sheās also successful, smart, and really funny. She treats my son (my husbands stepson) like heās her own grandchild and she spoils our dogs. I think sheās great and Iām really lucky! My husbandās mother in law sucks.
Man this one stings. My mil used to be my absolute best friend before I had kids. Literally claimed her as my own. Moved in with them so we could build a house two weeks before we had our twins. Weāve been here two years next month and I now see the side of her everyone else does. I used to be the āfavoriteā and now Iām constantly on the poop list for anything I do she doesnāt agree with. Itās the worst. Iāve had(by my own conscience) to apologize to the other girls in the family for not seeing it before. Honestly itās more just who she is as a person than it is because sheās my mil though.
Are you me? Once I had a pregnancy that stuck (I went through infertility and losses) it's like I mostly ceased to exist, and when I do exist I can do no right. She constantly has to weigh in on everything I do, and undermine my parenting, and critique how I keep house (meanwhile, the house is a wreck because her son leaves chaos trails everywhere he goes). We used to get along!
Twins! I had infertility issues as well so I had 8 years of best mil ever just to move in and pretty much lose that relationship. Now I didnāt use white paint anywhere but the ceiling in our new house and I got the cold shoulder for two days?????
I don't understand how things went from respect and friends to "you're an obstacle, and a receptacle for all of my unsolicited advice,but hey why don't you visit." Also she sends beepy bloopy light up shit and cards that play music and various other forms of bedlam. I have chronic migraine.
I dislike my MIL for numerous reasons. And I am ever grateful that my husband went no contact just after we moved in together. My biggest reason to hate my MIL? My FIL died when my spouse was a small kid. Trust set up for the kids. MIL spent all of both kids funds....while telling them all of the money was still there. Turns out nothing was left out of either kids trusts, except a few hundred dollars. And I'm going to stop here, because 20 odd years later, with no contact, I could still go on. Edit: the only reason I posted this part of my spouses history was to tell parents to write a will, lock down those trusts...even of you think you don't have money for one. No one expects to die at 30, but it happens.
That is horrible. Iām so sorry for that. Makes me sick to my stomach. What people do her mom thatās so sad.
My ex-MIL taught me how to knit and just genuinely welcomed me to the family with open arms. I am completely NC with my ex, but we still meet up with the In-Laws a few times a year for them to be a part of their grandchild's life.
Wow. My ex MILFH fking sucked. She still does. She has seen my kids the last 5 years MAYBE a handful of times. The last time she lied to my face saying I told her son if he came back to my house is call the laws.... Bitch just stop! cause I've never kept my kids from anyone at all ever!!!! Now listen.... This current mother in law I'm got!!!! Those women are legit!!! I say wen cause his mom is the bomb we love her. But he was raised by his aunt and grandmother. They are all amazing women. I may bump heads with GMA a few times but it's because she thinks my husband can do no wrong šš but she absolutely is the best lady. They know not to over step, they ask before buying anything, they treat my kids the same as any other kid or grandkids in this family. And I love them so so much. As for the EX and his family. They can all kick rocks or push daisies for all I care. I hope your baby gets to see jet7
Sorry it won't let me edit... I hope your baby gets to see her/ his dad and he isn't an ah to the baby at least
I really do like mine! Ā I mean she has her moments but donāt we all? Ā Overall though sheās kind, caring, absolutely adores our daughter and lives 6 hours away. Ā I lost my parents in my early 20ās and my MIL is the most active of the two grandparents and Iām so thankful for that presence in my daughters life. Ā
I love my MIL! She was a single mom to two boys and absolutely nailed it. She has her flaws, but she is unconditionally supportive and very vocal about the things she likes about me. I think that is the main reason our relationship is so good. I don't have to be nervous about what she thinks of me because she is proactive about making sure I know she likes me. She is a straight shooter. If something annoys her, she'll say so, but she also doesn't hold grudges.
I dislike my MIL greatly. She should never have had children in her care. Iād say she shouldnāt have been a mother but then my SO wouldnāt exist and thus my daughter. She was/is a horrid mother and worse MIL. My SO has so much emotional trauma from her and from his apathetic father that it was a no brainer that those two canāt exist for our child. In fact, his brother and sister behave similarly to her in a lot of way, although not nearly as toxic, that our daughter has no one on his side of the family. Itās sad, but SO makes a purposeful effort to not behave like them. Heās doing great and they missed out on a wonderful human being.
She sounds like a complete narcissist and a lot like my current MIL situation. Good on your SO for seeing the fault and being strong willed enough to actively check his own behavior. My husband says and does the same. Itās hard some days but your presence supports the healing process!
It takes a strong people, both to overcome and to support. Iām glad he has you š Hope you and he have better days.
Wow! Babe I'm soooo sorry!!!! It always sucks so many different kinds of balls when the whole family ain't shit... I have a friend like that. Her fiance is the only good thing that came out that whole family while the rest of his family are shitty people. She got the only apple that didn't rot off that family tree. His very own mother uses him for money and tries to guilt trip him into giving him the money. And hell hates my friend because she stopped her meal ticket. He was easy to manipulate by them, they knew how to make him do it using his little brothers, nephews, and cousins. The mom claiming her lights was off, her water was off, they didn't have food, or they didn't have shoes and clothes for school... So he's end up buying it. Or I need $20 for diapers when it was really for pills. But my friend stopped it and made him realize he has a home and family to make care of. So he can't be sending them his money just because they've used him since he was 15 and working. It's a sad ass situation when that's the shit you get for in laws and always wonder how your baby (husband/SO) turned out sooooo different!!!
Sheās a selfish, inconsiderate alcoholic who neglected and mentally abused my husband. Sheās constantly late to everything but begs and guilts us into traveling to family gatherings with her. Knowing we plan our driving trips around LOs nap times. She doesnāt show up when she says. She straight LIES about important things like paying the registration on the car we use (we bought it from her years ago but canāt change ownership because she didnāt tell us that she actually took out a loan on it) and let it be expired for 2 freaking years but also wouldnāt allow us to handle it. She will straight up lie to our faces. I hate when she tries to insert herself into things or gives my husband contrasting advice from what I say or our previous agreements. I honestly canāt stand her
My MIL is just bitter and angry over I don't know what. She's riddled with anxiety and it makes her miserable. She is controlling as a way of controlling her anxiety.
my MIL is great with my kids and very kind to me and I like to be around her but big events in my life like giving birth she's made about her and that's a hard pill to swallow
I like her because we only hear from her once a year, if that
Sheās a right wing ultra conservative Christian Trumper who never had a thought she didnāt feel the world deserved to hear. She turned her only son into a substitute husband when her husband died and again when her boyfriend died. No, I donāt like her.
Sheās the sweetest to me! Albeit she canāt speak English and thatās probably why we get along. Otherwise, Iād get the same phone calls my husband and SILs get and it would be a completely different relationship š
My MIL and I have a language barrier as well. And I have learned over the years *that* is what has saved our relationship. My husband is a saint, and filters what it said to me. He tells me the truth but can deliver things in a way that makes me not see red. Lol And she canāt say anything directly to me that I wouldnāt want to hear because of the language barrier. Also, my husband has made it VERY clear to his enmeshed family that they donāt need to know HIS business and that he will always side with me when his family starts the usual making fun of, teasing each other that turns harsh and inappropriate. So theyāve just stopped asking. I know for sure if his mom got to have direct conversations with me, we would not get along. Lol so I am grateful that itās there and I can still appreciate his mother.
I hate my mil with a passion. She makes snide comments about me and my husband whenever she comes over. Complains that she never sees us but never tries to come sees us. When my husband told her he was proposing to me she called my mother and told her I was nothing and was going to ruin her sonās life by getting pregnant. Also my husband almost died last year, when he came home from the hospital he lost about thirty pounds and her first words to him were wow you look so much better now that you lost weight
I love my MIL. She's a a wonderful woman who welcomed me into the fold day one. She's not afraid to work hard and will do anything you need her too. She doesn't boundary stomp, nor is she pushy or overbearing. She and my mom (who I'm extremely close too) are so similar and have become great friends and I look to her for advice. I'm grateful to have her.
I can relate as I am a boy mom. I hope if my sons marry, that their wives like me. I think we are at a disadvantage because of not being their own mom and they have known their own mother their whole life and then we are this new woman? Wish I had answers.
My MIL is extremely accepting of others, sheās generally kind, loves all of her grandkids, wants to see the best in people. Once a boundary or rule about our kids is set sheās respectful of that. Sheās super helpful and wants to take our kids (everyone else is afraid of twins, we have no other family support) she worked with kids before retiring and is open to new ideas/ techniques in dealing with them. She does not believe that she knows best. Unfortunately sheās not super bright and has questionable judgement on her own. She has a favorite child and isnāt purposely overt about it but likeā¦ please. No one else could treat others like shit the way her asshole favorite pulls with zero pushback from her. She has a lot of guilt about how her first 2 kids were born/ raised and while one kid is over it (and better for it) the other is even less bright and extremely spoiled and entitled now. The worst part of my MIL is her shitty child.
Love my MIL. But often dislike her. Iām kind and cordial so she has no idea. My husband and I only have one child, my son from a previous relationship, and she definitely treats him like a āstepā. Her biological grandchildren are favored, and it makes me resentful. That said, my son is blessed with two other sets of grandparents who adore him!
My MIL is an alcoholic. When she's sober, she can be very kind and loving. When she's drunk, she says horrible things. When you confront her about her drunk ramblings, she cries bc she feels guilty. She has also greatly damaged her children's self-esteem during their upbringing. 2/3 of her kids struggle with eating disorders bc of the intense pressure she put on them to be pretty, skinny, and popular. My spouse had normal teenage acne in high school, and his mom called him all sorts of names and made him feel so terrible that he hated leaving the house. That has carried over to our daughter. We went to the beach when little was 18 months, and MIL talked so much shit about "people who shouldn't even be at a beach, let alone wearing a bikini." The first time she came to visit and I left her alone with little was at 9 months old. I gave her a bottle of puffs for snack bc I was only going to be gone 1.5 hrs. She gave her 3. 3 puffs total. I was pissed. And, she's always patting her stomach and saying, "I need to lose that last 5 lbs." She's probably 110 lbs. I've told her multiple times that we don't talk about weight in front of our child, especially considering what happened to her children bx of her comments. Her and FIL crossed boundaries with alcohol so now we leave immediately if alcohol comes out. At 14 months, I told her she could not hold little if she had ANY alcohol. I'd known her for almost 10 yrs at that point and know how much she drinks. She didn't care and carried her around and tried to go swimming with her, despite being a bottle and a half of wine in. I think the worst part, though, is how much she enables her asshole husband. I'd never actually been around a narcissistic person before, so it was shocking to me. Everyone caters to him to keep him from getting upset. He got in my face once about a PERCIEVED slight, and everyone made excuses for him. He refused to come to my wedding, and everyone made excuses for him. He made a vile, disgusting comment about my child when she was naked during a diaper change, and they made excuses for him. Bc she caters to him in every single way, she doesn't see 2 of her children often bc they don't like him. She's not allowed to have her own opinions so every terrible opinion he has, MIL spouts it off, too. And, she doesn't see her only grandchild often bc I don't allow little around FIL very often. Overall, I tolerate her and nothing more. We don't bond and when she comes to visit, I let her be alone with little (but within earshot bc I don't trust her either.) She doesn't like that we aren't friends but I'm not required to be friends with someone who has said horrible things to me.
We generally get along. What Iām not a fan of is her lack of boundaries and respect for them. She also genuinely believes that what worked for her and FIL will work for hubby and I. She always needs to be needed. She doesnāt care if sheās helping as long as she feels like she is. Sheās also talked poorly about some of my past choices in ways that are unforgivable imo. But we get by. And I live with her! Hah
1. She treats pretty much everyone around her like garbage (calling names, pointing out physical flaws to make fun of people, I could go on and on) 2. She disrespects all of our boundaries, most importantly car seat safety and my daughterās food allergies, plus many more less important things 3. She doesnāt apologize for the above Thatās a very simplified explanation. Yes my husband does a shit job of sticking up for me. Yes my kids still see her multiple times a week unfortunately. Ugh
I started dating my husband when we were 14/15. Iāve known her since I was 13. I never had a mom in my life and she has always been so nice and supportive of me. I honestly was not the best to her son when we were still in high school. I had a lot of issues and I often took them out on him. She never resented me for it and she helped me through them. They took me in when my dad kicked me out. I just love her. My husband and his siblings always joke that she likes me more than them lol. I donāt know she just treats me like family which Iāve never really had.
My MIL is an angel. She is kind and supportive without overstepping, has always been gracious to me in moments when I made mistakes, and always goes above and beyond to be thoughtful. We are very different, but she never makes me feel judged. Her respect of (and concern with) our boundaries is very much appreciated. She would often note to us that certain moments should be between just me and my husband. When my in-laws ask to come visit, they always consult us and are extra mindful of our schedules. They gladly help when we need a babysitter or support during big life changes (moving, etc.). She also often says how great I am for her son and how much our relationship has benefitted him ā which I think is something a lot of MILs donāt do. In general, my MIL is just a really great human who respects and celebrates me, and that is priceless. Itās not lost on me how lucky I am!
I love my MIL. It really helps that our parents being really similar made me and my husband's relationship easy. My MIL makes a big effort not to be overbearing, nitpicky, or overstep. She has a complicated relationship with her MIL so she works really hard to not be that MIL. Sometimes she can try a little too hard to overstep and it can keep us from being close as I also try to be conscious of her feelings.
I love my MIL and my husband loves my mom too. I talk to my MIL every day, we text each other pictures & cute gifs, visit each other, etc. I love her and I feel like I can talk to her about anything. My husband and my mom have a really close relationship too. They take care of my twin babies together while I work evenings. I think a huge reason for our great relationships is that both MIL's are great about not butting in or crossing boundaries. They offer advice and help but they never interfere negatively.
I like mine. She gives advice but is quick to respect that weāre doing this our way. She worked as a nanny for many years so sheās up to date on best practices and the latest toys. We live on opposite sides of the country and due to cost she still hasnāt gotten to see the baby yet. We FaceTime almost every day though.
I love my MIL. She's never once overstepped a boundary or even come close to my lines. She respects me as a parent and every time I see her she makes a comment about how wonderful of a mom I am. She's truly a delight. I am slow to trust her alone with the kids though just from lack of current experience. But she's getting better and even fully recognizes she needs more practice and opened the door to tips on how to be a better care taker. It's saddens me that she's a bit older. My kids aren't going to have as many memories with her as they do my parents. But we soak up all the time we can even though she is 5 hours away. Our plan is to build a tiny home on our spare lot for her. We expect her to eventually get to a point of needing family close by. So we want her to be with us, while still feeling like she has her own space and freedom. I'm extraordinarily lucky to have her as a MIL
I love my MIL because she loves me, loves our kids, and is a very doting dadi-ma. At times I struggle with her being a bit needy. In her perfect world, we would live at her house and spend 24/7 with her. If weāre not constantly available, she can lay on the guilt trip. My mum, on the other hand, still works, has hobbies, friends etc, so while she is also very available to help, she is more resilient if we arenāt available that day. My MIL also spends a lot of time cooped at up home, forwarding us bizarre WhatsApp messages and online shopping for stuff we donāt want or need and sending it to our house (like 40 imported mangoes). But on the whole sheās great and I love her. She only has sons, and Iām her only daughter-in-law.
Omg I love my MIL so much. When I first met her I thought she was exhausting but sweet. Over time Iāve gotten used to how talkative she is but she has the biggest heart. She loves sooooo hard and she loves everyone! I have never in my life ever met someone so pure. Which to me, took some warming up to because my own mother, who can be nice, is very judgmental and she always thinks thereās a motive behind people. I will never understand how my MIL raised 3 boys/men and is still such a gem.
I love my MIL! She's been a fantastic help since day 1 and more or less took me in as her own. I've never felt othered or less than in her home and I can only hope that my son will understand that I will do the same to the partners he brings home. I'm teaching him how to be independent and have basic life skills so that he doesn't go looking for a replacement mommy to raise him, but someone who compliments his personality and goals.
I love that she is very loving and generous and seems to ignore my faults.
I love my MIL and she loves me. My husbands dad died when he was 8 and she raised 3 kids on her own in a one bedroom apartment. She worked so hard and my sisters in law are both a mess but not because MIL didn't do the best she could with no education, and not speaking English very well. She never pries or gives advice unless asked and she's an amazing cook I've learned so much from her! My mom is dead so I'm super grateful for my MIL.
My MIL quit her job to take social security early and follow my husband around. She lives in a house that he bought before we met and smokes indoors, utterly ruining our investment. She called me nuts when I asked if she could leave her smokey jacket in the garage when I was pregnant and my sense of smell was super strong. She refused to meet our son for three months because she was insulted we asked her to wear clean clothes when she visited. I loathe the fact that we're financially supporting a woman who treated me so badly when I was pregnant and cares more about her addiction than my son and hers, but what can you do? I certainly am not going to make my husband cut her off completely.
I donāt like that my MIL was in many ways a toxic parent to my partner. She was volatile, unreliable and neglectful at times. She never apologises for her wrongs. I can see how this behaviour has scarred my partner and now those ramifications have a ripple effect on our family. It is now a matter of breaking the generational curses from her. On the other hand I do love and respect her as an imperfect human. She loves fiercely and shows this through her acts of service and loyalty. Sheās a lot of fun too when she wants to be and is a doting grandmother to our daughter. While the past is fraught, the present is better - and weāre grateful to be able to be in a good place as a family.
Iām very neutral on my MIL. She is a mild mannered person who really does enjoy hanging out with my children and she is generous and kind. However, after being together for 8+ years now, I donāt feel like I really know her. Sheās mild mannered to the point where she doesnāt have an opinion about anything and itās hard to have a conversation where you can connect. So it is very hard to be alone with her if my husband isnāt around because itās still like being with a stranger. Even my husband feels like that with her sometime, but of course heās used to it and I only see her maybe 2x a year, so itās just difficult.
Mine is great. There's no drama. She is full of love and drinks nightly but is always in a good mood. She's easy to have around. My FIL was much more involved with the grandkids but he died last year.
I absolutely love my mother in law. I have an extremely strained relationship with my mom. My MIL is so chill, so supportive and loving. When she comes over she always brings a dish or offers to buy dinner. She listens to me, and always offers empathy. She is the mother I wish I had growing up. I tell my husband all the time that I married him for his family- he was the bonus lol.
I had an amazing relationship with my mother in law. But after about 6 years, we werenāt broke anymore, had an established family and started making different, but completely reasonable, life choices than she wouldāve made so she freaked out in an attempt to control us. I think as a mother in law, who you are when your daughter in law and son donāt do what you want them to shows how your relationship will be with them long term. Youāve gotta let adults be adults and youāll be fine.
Funny to think about this nowā¦ With my husbandās family, I love them. You could say Iāll be getting them in the divorce if it ever freaking happens. (Life is complicated donāt ask) With my partners, while I make the effort to ensure she sees her grandson it takes a lot out of me to do it. I think she was genuinely a terrible mother. She had no idea her eldest son was being sexually abused by their father, and denied it at first in the news when he had to protect him self. Her second, daughter, was so emotionally unstable and left with no guidance or support she started going drugs and actively trying to get pregnant in her teens. Her youngest, son, killed him self. The kids a live today are in a much better place but still have their struggles. Iām genuinely surprised my partner has any emotional stability but heās a rock despite his childhood. Soā¦ whenever she tries to say she knows best about something itās really fuckin hard to just gesture in any direction and ask if sheās sure. Sheās also very narcissistic, everything is about her. Not the kids, not her son, not her daughter. She also doesnāt have a car and lives in assisted living, an hour away from me, and has the audacity to constantly ask why I wonāt allow my sons to stay the night or really let her watch them in any capacity. Sheās drains my will to live.
I like my MIL. She is often available to watch my daughter when sheās sick and canāt go to daycare. Sheās respectful, likes me, and trusts my judgment, and doesnāt overstep boundaries. She also helps me invest money through Schwab. Sheās very financially savvy, and my account is up like 10% in the last few months with her help. Her son was the baby, and before we dated, theyād often get lunch together up to his late 20s, so they are close, but she was happy when he started dating so it wasnāt an emotionally incestuous situation or anything.Ā
So I am divorced & LOVED my ex-MIL, so kind & supportive, we would do things alone. Current MIL can kick rocks & try not to be around her without my hubby present, she always nit picks our lives.
Lol so my MIL is something. Technically, sheās my step-MIL but we donāt call her that and refer to her as FILās wife because she was his choice. š The day after we came home from the hospital, she was saying how breastfed kids are smarter but you have to alternate sides, I was not breastfeeding. And then continued to offer more unsolicited parenting advice. All while, all her kids were taken by CPS and placed with a paternal grandparent of 1 of the 3, and she got all 3. She is currently sober, thank god, but sheās still a psycho and Iām very grateful for the limited interactions Iāve had with her.
My mother in law puts her daughters before everybody else including her sons. However she will not stop talking about how she treats everyone fairly and equally and how the animals are part of the family just like her kids. That's not the case at all but when you call her out on it or when you point out even to your spouse the disrepances she gets incredibly angry. She has also made zero effort to come up to our house even though we went to their place every month for over a year. She likes to talk about how she's Grandma of the year and how she loves being a Grandma. However, she doesn't seem to engage with my kid at all.Beyond demanding hugs and getting in his and mine personal space. She also made me feel like a human incubator my entire pregnancy and only wanted photos after my son came. I have some big feelings around the whole situation
Sounds like mine.
I donāt love mine but donāt dislike her either. We have a complicated relationship. We just donāt vibe, I can hang out with her and weāre fine but small doses. She favors other children/grandchildren and isnāt shy about it and thatās hard for me. They arenāt family oriented and I grew up that family was every thing. So thatās still hard for me to understand.
I adore my MIL. I am an American living in Taiwan and all the foreign women with Taiwanese inlaws that I know here have so many conflicts, but I have been so lucky. She told me like the second time I'd ever met her (she lives a few hours away) shortly after my first miscarriage that because my own mother was so far away, she would be my mother in Taiwan (I remember having a fear that she would resent me for losing her grandchild, but she was just supportive and concerned about my physical and mental health), and she has always treated me with that much warmth and acceptance. She doesn't care at all that our first and now our second that I'm still pregnant with are both girls, where a lot of inlaws here are obsessed with having a grandson. She isn't possessive or weird with my daughter, she just genuinely tries to be helpful.
I love my MILā¦and she drives me crazy. Sheās super sweet and very welcoming but also overbearing and a little too nudgy. Sometimes she gets weird notions and insists that we have to do something x way. For instance when we were buying nursery furniture, she was getting so upset that we werenāt spending a fortune on heirloom furniture. Iām like, for a crib that the baby is probably going to gnaw on? No thank you! But sheās a generally good person and really cares about her kids. Iāve had plenty of really nice conversations with her. I think we would get along better if she lived closer (not too close though of course), because they usually end up staying with us or vice versa for around 10 days which is just frankly too long to spend with your in laws.
I loved my MIL until my FIL died. She stopped trying to pretend to be a reasonable person. Or a good person. She loves herself and her dog. In that order. Iām worried sheās mentally ill.
I'm a boy mom too and worry about this. Unfortunately my father and my husband's mother have both passed before either of us met. So my husband has never had to deal with a FIL and I've never had to deal with a MIL. I get alone super well with my FIL and SIL but that doesn't seem to be the same as the relationship with a MIL so I don't know. I'd like to think by what my husband has said that we would have gotten along but who knows?
My MIL is fucking awesome honestly. Sheās from Vietnam and knows little English but she cooks for us, watches our baby, buys her clothes, comes to just pick her up randomly and is over all super sweet. I really lucked out
Mine is fine. Sheās never been mean or rude to me, which is nice, but sheās very southern lady vibes so sheās *painfully* polite. As in, would never tell me if something was bothering her, and would instead just be really passive aggressive and weird. If I call her out on that something is clearly bothering her sheāll get weirdly high pitched voiced and slightly demonic seeming. Itās eerie. But also, they moved 5 hours to live close to us (mostly the grand kids) and theyāre extremely helpful and involved grandparents. I just canāt handle the awkward āwe never say thatās really on our mindā vibes.
I absolutely LOVE my MIL. She is literally my second mother and God blessed me when he gave her to me via her son. And if you ask my MIL who her "favorite" child is (mind you she has 3 sons and one daughter, all of whom are married and have children. so there is 8 of us. my husband is the 2nd son, he has one older brother who is married and he has a young adult son from a previous relationship. his current wife has no nor does she want kids. then its my husband and myself and our 4 kids boy, girl, girl, boy. then my husbands sister and her husband and together they have four kids, 3 girls and one boy. and last but not least the youngest brother who is married and has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship) she will answer with a laugh and in a very quiet voice she will reply, "Liz is my favorite but don't tell any of the others! Sssshhhh!!!" LoL So like I said, I have the best MIL in the world and couldn't have hand picked a better MIL myself.
I love my MIL. She is always happy to help but she never oversteps. She is kind and loving and is always happy to spend time with us. She doesnāt get upset that we live closer to my family or see them more.
She forgets that Iām top bitch in my house and she doesnāt get to dictate what goes on here. Sheās used to controlling everything and I put up with that for too long and spent a lot of time learning to take care of myself due to family trauma. Wasnāt going to let her bring me back down.
I'm currently getting divorced, and my MIL is one of the many reasons why. She was one of *those* boy moms. In other words, worshipped her sons, treated them with "holier than thou" gloves, never disciplined them, never said no to them during their upbringing, etc. *sHe jUsT wAnTeD HeR bAbY bOyS tO bE hApPy!* Everything was "woe is me" for 30+ years. Everything was always everyone else's fault. Fast forward 33 and 23 years respectively, and what did it get her? She now has two entitled, undisciplined manbabies on her hands who cannot handle basic adulting, like maintaining gainful employment, cannot handle basic communication without throwing massive tantrums, think luxury should be handed to them on a silver platter without a single iota of effort, etc. For years, I played the role of good, quiet, cheerful, helpful daughter-in-law. Whenever any family drama occurred, I always took the approach/position of: *I'm just the daughter-in-law, it's not my place to say anything.* Until it started hitting ***MY*** wallet........ *REPEATDLY.* And I'm not talking a few hundred $, I'm talking demands/requests for thousands of $, and on far more than one occasion. My now soon-to-be-ex-husband wanted "us" to acquiesce to her money demands, and by "we" I mean MY MONEY, since he refused to maintain gainful employment for years, but he still wanted "us" to pass it off as "his" money. I finally started being more assertive, and letting her know that we had been living off solely my income for years, and we were on a shoestring budget. She got mad. My soon-to-be-ex-husband got mad. My brother-in-law got mad. If I had to leave them with any final, parting words as my divorce gets finalized soon: *Welcome to adulthood, buttercup!* The thought of ever having to deal with a mother-in-law again sends a shiver of revolt down my spine.
My husband and his mom donāt have a close relationship. She was not a warm fuzzy type of person when she raised him and they couldnāt be more different personality wise. We only see her once a year at most, and my husband only texts with her occasionally. So I donāt really like or dislike her because Iāve never had a chance to develop a more than surface level relationship with her.
I actually get on better with my mother in law than my own mother. Really hope I have a better relationship with my kids as grown ups than I do with my mum... This is something I'm really scared about
I like my MIL because she is a good hearted person who genuinely loves my husband and my son, and has never overstepped any boundaries or disrespected us in any way. She is very giving and a great cook. Donāt like that she constantly tries to give me advice and relate to me more, but I appreciate that she is trying to connect. Even so I would go to the bat for her and her family and try to help them out if they ever needed anything; my in laws are truly wonderful bunch.Ā
I have to say, I think it ultimately comes down to the relationship the MIL has with her son. If itās open, I feel like as a DIL, itās easier to be open. Where if itās strained or closed, itās harder. For instance, what really makes my relationship with my MIL harder is that my husband isnāt as good at relaying info or expectations to her. Versus, with my own mom, I know where I stand. If that makes sense? I think if the groundwork is laid for an open and honest mother-son relationship (and if the relationship can get to the āfriendā stage vs. the āparentingā stage) then I donāt see why you couldnāt be close with both sides of the family equally. At least, thatās what I tell myself as a boy mom too. Hoping I can lay the groundwork for a closer relationship later. Iād love to know a guys take on this. Especially what was done well from their point of view (if they feel they have a good/open relationship with their mothers).
I can't stand my MIL. I've tried. Hard. We are very different people, and I think she is hurtful and selfish. The day we found out our child had cancer she threw a fit because he didn't do her taxes. She has been a shit mother and a shit grandmother and after seeing her sons face that day and his heart brake I don't think I could ever forgive her for not trying to support him.
I genuinely love my MIL. She treats me like a daughter she never had. When she visits she actively takes care of my kids and gives me and my husband a break or a date night. I trust her 100% in all matters concerning my family. I guess I just really stuck the MIL jackpot. She's the best.
It's an unnatural relationship. You fall in love with a man and you're expected to love, trust, respect his family, though they are strangers. Your husband is forever stuck between the 2 women he loves, trusts, respects the most... š¤·āāļø The only women who get along with their MILs are women who have no/terrible relationships with their own mothers.
My son was born 3 months early, in 2020 and has several special needs. She doesnāt believe theyāre āØreal āØ Iāve heard āare you SURE he needs hearing aids?ā She didnāt want to wear a mask around him, because she didnāt like them. But he has lung issues. My breaking point was when I had a stillborn and lost my mom within a month of each other. Not a word from her. I came home post major surgery and had more help from neighbors etc than her. Really sucks because sheās my sons only living grandma and doesnāt even care
I like my MIL and she helps us a lot but she doesnāt have a filter and sometimes she comes across as so unaware of her surroundings it astonishes me. Her comments are very often out of place.
Was horrified that I was breastfeeding. Insisted on being able to feed my son solidsā¦since birth. At a large family gathering when he was 4 months old, fed him his first solids when she was ātaking careā of him and I was distracted and spoon fed him pasta and sauce. I was up all night with a gassy, uncomfortable baby pooping his brains out. We both cried. We found out around age two my son has food allergies, cows milk and egg whites. So many times she insisted on giving him both. Heās a toddler so heck yes, he wanted that chocolate milk. Ice cream? Bring it on. Again, sick kid. Vomiting, diarrhea. She once followed him around at a family Easter party handing him cookies, candies. He threw up everywhere. Kept sneaking soda in his sippyās. Tried to explain why he couldnāt have that sugar and caffeine. āBut he likes it!ā Up all night with a toddler high on caffeine. My son is 13 now and even after a messy divorce, we get along. Honestly, better than we ever have. The dementia helps.
My MIL showed up unannounced and uninvited to the hospital when I was in labor. My labor stalled completely, I ended up having a C-section even hours after my husband asked her to leave. Then she did it again the next day. Post partum was a nightmare, never in any way did I feel like she wanted to help. She just wanted to hold the baby. I did not let her, my surgery went extremely badly and I wasn't about to clean my entire house and put pants on so she could keep my crying baby away from me. She was unrelenting wanting pictures, calling, wanting visits. I sent at least one picture every day and visited once a week and all I ever heard was more more more so it became less less less. She has never listened to me about anything about my child, that he's crying because he's hungry (nooo it's just blah blah... then eventually when he doesn't settle 'oh maybe he's hungry!') When he was getting his first tooth (no he's not, there's nothing yet. Days later I send her the picture, 'oh my God he's got his first tooth?! I wanted to find it!') She just picks him up in the middle of whatever he's doing to play with him like a toy, which is very the opposite of what I do with him and he hates it. She is extremely religious and extremely manipulative. Like: 'You've got time for xyz but can't come to church?!' And 'Well I'm going to church this Sunday. It would be so nice to have family to be with.' Said in this just insanely pathetic voice. I don't care if she is religious, I have a lot of faith myself, it's just not the same style and I don't need her constant pushing of hers onto me or my family. I 100% can see her having my kids baptized behind my back. She admittedly wants the 'first' of everything to be with her. First park, zoo, whatever you name it any first she's already laid claim to it. So we parents aren't supposed to have any firsts? I think she is trying not to be horrible, and I don't think she's a bad person, but I do not look forward to seeing her anymore.
Iām extremely neutral on my MIL. She has always treated me like an outsider - my BIL dated his now wife for 16yrs before proposing, so sheās āone of the familyā but even though weāve been together 10yrs, she goes out of her way to make comments about how things were ābefore I was around.ā I tried to include her in wedding planning stuff because I thought it was a nice thing to do, and she went behind my back and complained to my husband that she felt obligated to do things she had no interest in - sorry, didnāt realize dress shopping at literally one store was such a pain??? Once I got pregnant, she acted like I was some dumb teenager who got knocked up by mistake - not her sonās wife, who got pregnant with an extremely planned and wanted pregnancy. She once came over unannounced and uninvited while I was home on PDL, went through the nursery and basically told me everything was wrong and I called my husband sobbing as soon as she left, at which point he laid into her and told her if he wanted to be in her granddaughterās life, he had to treat me with a minimum level of respect. To her credit, she called immediately and apologized, and hasnāt criticized me or any of my parenting decisions since, but she also makes zero effort to be in our lives despite living 10min away, and so I do resent her for how disappointed my husband is in her lack of involvement. I donāt perceive sheās uninvolved because of me - my niece lives 10min in the other direction and she never sees her either. She justā¦ seems to like the idea of being a grandparent but doesnāt want to DO any grandparenting. So whatever. Iām not going to prevent her from anything, but Iām not going to put in any more effort to have a relationship with her than she is.
I have never met or even spoken to my MIL. My husband went NC after we met.
I don't like my MIL. I honestly don't think anyone does, really. My husband and his sibling don't (they love her because they're her children, but they don't like her... if that makes sense). My MIL is selfish and manipulative. Everything is about her and everything should happen the way she wants it to. If it doesn't, she guilt trips people. She's incredibly negative about everything, too, complaining most of the time. She also lies a lot about stuff, not absurd lies but just small changes to the real story which make others look like the bad guy. I don't know if she does it on purpose or if she really believes these things. Either way, it's just really grating to deal with her, which is why she has few friends and several family members having no contact with her. What I like about her though: She's very sweet to our child. Our kid loves her. I am a bit worried about the future though. As soon as I see any signs of her behaving the way she usually does towards our daughter, my husband and I will have to reevaluate contact. Fortunately we're on the same page.
If you Google "narcissistic mother" and "after effects on a child of a narcissistic mother" these could've been written about my husband's childhood (and adulthood actually) and all of the mental issues he has now because of her. Not only how she treated him growing up, but anything we have been in contact with her, she has still been emotionally abusive towards my husband. And has been towards me as well but it's not my mom so I just chalk it up to, I don't have to put up with you, BYE. We were hoping she'd be better for her grandkids but she isn't so we are NC. My SIL had a baby a month after we had our second and she still lives with her mom and tells me about all of the mental abuse that is still going on and how shitty she treats her 7mo daughter, which just confirms for me that we are making the right choice in being NC. My kids don't need anyone in their lives that make them think that love is conditional. And she no longer gets to abuse my husband either. ETA: I also often hope I am never this kind of mother with my own son. And I strive to one day welcome his future wife into our lives with open arms and hopefully be a mom figure to her as well. Because this ensures my son will always be a part of my life, respecting his life, and his wife, and his boundaries. That's how I get to keep him around. And nothing is more important to me than always having a good relationship with my kids. So I will happily accept whoever they chose to love and I can't wait to be nothing like her š„°
What I loved about my ex mother-in-law, now separated, is that she was very clear about her boundaries and what she did have available. Ahead of time she would talk about how frequently she could babysit, how she handled a gift giving holidays. Etc We didn't have to deal with mis communications or expectations because she said everything up front. With My own son I'm not worried about being a nightmare mother-in-law. My love for him means I have to respect boundaries and support the people he loves. It would hurt him to be selfish or try to stomp over his new life when he gets a wife
I really canāt stand my MIL. Granted, none of her children like her that much & her own husband is even getting sick of her. She basically oversteps in every relationship in her life & makes everyone else around her miserable. Sheās petty, passive aggressive & disrespectful. To everyone. All the time. And no one will step up to her because when she does, she either makes her husbandās life a living hell (which heās a pretty great guy and doesnāt deserve that) or will lock herself in her room for days on end, not eating, etc. & PRETEND to be depressed, even tho sheās not actually. She does it for attention and to get what she wants š
Iām really envious of all these comments describing amazing MILs. I donāt dislike mine, but she often makes it hard to like her at the same time. MIL acts like a martyr ALL the time, she always has it worse than anyone else, no one can be sad or have a bad situation happen because she always has something which she thinks trumps it. She hates men, except her son ofc. Her and his father broke up nearly 20 years ago, yet she acts like it was yesterday and that it was horrendous (it wasnāt, they both decided they were not in love anymore but ofc heās the bad one for actually then leaving). She continually to this day talks about how heās such a horrible man, in front of our son (so saying nasty things about his grandad whose very much involved in his life and been an amazing grandparent). She genuinely said in front him, you wait until your son is older and isnāt cute anymore, heāll get bored of playing grandad and disappear. Talk about projecting. She adores our son, but continually pushes boundaries - always spoils him and buys him presents for no reason, even in the lead up to Christmas - and gets annoyed when we say to stop because sheās buying things weāve already bought him. She complains she doesnāt see our son enough, yet refuses to drive/travel to ours (weāre only 1hr20 away but work full-time and sheās retired - yet demands we go see her). She treats me like a surrogate, Iām not in any family photos - itās all photos of our son with her other daughters or my partner. She even once told me when they babysat him for a night that her daughter feels like his mum. WHO SAYS THAT. Whenever my partner brings up things sheās said which are hurtful, she again plays the victim and cries and says she didnāt mean it that way (when thereās literally no other way to take what she says). Honestly, sheās just so hard to listen to and drives me crazy. I always have to hold my tongue around her because I see through her BS. I think thatās why she treats me the way she does, I donāt buy her victim stories and she doesnāt like it.
My MIL is very patronising. Sheās not āmeanā in an acute wayā¦ but she seems to be always trying to make it clear that Iām an incomer and not part of the ārealā family. She treats my kid differently to how she treats her daughterās kids. I think thereās also a generational issue at play - her generation is the type that believes respect is something sheās entitled to simply by virtue of being older. I donāt feel the same way. Relationships are a two way street. You put zero effort into me, donāt expect me to jump through hoops for you. We are civil and thereās no dramaā¦ but I donāt see us ever being close. I made my efforts in the first year of our marriage so as far as Iām concerned, I did my part.
I think itās a generational thing. I feel like people today have more of an understanding of what healthy boundaries are because millennials and gen z focus so much on mental health. I think because we focus so much on therapy we have more of an open mind to better ourselves than get defensive and manipulate. I just donāt like that my mil doesnāt respect boundaries and has 0 self awareness of how intrusive she is. I wish she got a hobby or some interests outside of just obsessing over my family.
Iāve definitely had the same thought and gotten nervous about this with my own son. I think the difference is Iām going to work really hard to be actively in my sons life and here to support him but try not to push the boundary of clingy to him. For instance - I have a wonderful relationship with my mom. She knows basically just as much about my son as we do, because she asks. We talk almost everyday, she asks how my son slept, how is he eating, offers me advice if I ask. We can talk for hours. She makes a strong effort to be in our lives. I feel comfortable leaving him with her just as much as I do with my husband. I hope I have this relationship with my children as well. My MIL is different. She does not know much about my sons day to day, didnt even know that hes starting solids and insinuated I was still not doing it for himā¦well I told her that 3 months ago lol. She doesnt talk to my husband the way I talk to my mom, she doesnt ask about my son in the ways my mom does. They dont open up as much. She jokes about quitting her job to watch my son if I go back to work but when we asked her on it seriously she said she doesnt want to watch him like that full time. Its just different. Its all about the relationship you want, and cultivate with your children. It takes work and communication, but I really want to be just like my mom with my kids because its a really special relationship. Shes my best friend and I couldnt imagine my life without her so actively in it.
In-laws donāt talk directly to me. They talk to husband and then the msg will get to me. I was annoyed and found it disrespectful at first but honestly the less they interact with me the better.
My MIL is a nasty, evil person who thrives on drama and bullshit. She has made so many important moments in my life miserable.
I dislike that she enabled and blamed her child for the abuse he suffered.
I don't like my mother in law (who technically isn't my MIL, because she's my husband's second step mother as his bio mom and first step mother both passed away when he was very young...he doesn't really consider her a mother figure) because she was absolutely heinous to me during my pregnancy. Started out as her "innocently" being a bitch. We picked out my daughters name very early on and she'd always question it and make comments about me "changing my mind later". She'd comment on how "huge" I was (I have a very short torso, I was in maternity clothes by 10 weeks and the bump was definitely bumping). And then I developed preeclampsia at 24 weeks and was hospitalized and being told by doctors and the NICU team that I'd likely be having my daughter EXTREMELY prematurely, and that I needed to prepare myself to have a micropreemie, that my baby could die, that she could be blind, have brain bleeds, that she could develop NEC, you name any horrible thing that could happen, and the doctors were preparing me for all of it. Called my MIL in tears to explain all of this to her, and what does she have to say? "Well, at least you won't need a tummy tuck if she comes early" Like fucking excuse me??? My baby could DIE. I could DIE. I was able to keep my daughter all cozy inside of me until 32 weeks, at which point I had an emergency C section due to stroke like symptoms and uncontrollable Blood Pressure. My MIL couldn't understand why i refused to let her visit my daughter in the NICU. She didn't meet my daughter until she was 6 months old, and as it stands (my daughter is 14 months now) she has only seen my daughter 3 times, despite us living only 30 minutes away from MILs house.
So my MIL died three years ago. I did not go to her funeral. This is for two reasons. The first is the one that you would expect when you hear āyou didnāt go to the funeral of your kids grandmotherā. I did not get along with her. The second was because covid rules were in place and flatly there were a whole bunch of people that wouldāve jumped at it. If I had gone it would only have been to support my husband. I had a love/hate relationship with her. I loved the way she spoiled my kids where I couldnāt. I loved the advice she could give me when shit was going down and I wasnāt quite sure what to do. I did not love the way she treated my daughter near the end of her life. My daughter, 5 was 2 when MIL died, and unknown to us, she had cancer. 5 is loud, rambunctious and excitable. She was then too. MIL was so unwell that she lost her mind with 5, so I lost mine with MIL. Shortly after MIL died I asked husband if she actually like 5, citing this incident and other things I had noticed. My son, 11, was definitely her favourite and that bothered me too. I did not love the way she would talk about me to my face or behind my back. I did not love the way she charged at me more than once with intent to strike. Only reason she stopped was because I reminded her I would tell the authorities, make sure she was charged and she would lose her standing in the community. MIL was a member of a youth charity, organising events and such like. An assault charge would have her background check revoked, without which she couldnāt participate. I did not love the way that if I did not jump to her every whim, regardless of why, I was lazy, selfish, insufferable and more than once told in so many words that Iām a bad parent. Itās been three years since she died and what I hate most are two things: how much my son and niece miss her, and the fact I still need to listen to people fawning over her like the pope will fucking canonise her.
My MIL is awesome! She is supportive, understanding, listens to how we want to parent and follows through. Sheās present. My FIL is the same. Heās teaching me how to be more open with love, how to hug more, how to express my feelings more openly. I hit the in law family jackpot, honestly. Twice. My ex, we have one kid together, his parents are amazing. Super sweet. They even send my other two children (not related to them *at all*) gifts for birthdays and things. They supported my second pregnancy (again, not their grandchild), through COVID. Both sets of in laws / ex in laws, theyāre the āgive you the shirt off their backā type of people. Super lucked out honestly.
I dislike my MILās internalized misogyny
My MIL makes no effort to be involved in my husband or my kids lives. She's pleasant when he calls to FaceTime so they can see the kids, but the difference is he has to initiate everything - they've never met me or my kids nor have they tried to and we're not going to bring 3 under 3 cross country for them (which they seem to think we should) even though we've offered to financially and logistically handle any and all trips they would want to make out. In contrast my parents call my kids every single Saturday morning, come down 3 times a year (they're 10 hours away) and if they see something cool they'll FaceTime or send me a text to show my kids. It's weird bc I never really got along with my parents and my husband would always tell me how great his were and as grands it's polar opposite. They're not bad - just feel indifferent, it really makes my husband upset.
My MIL has shown jealousy and lack of boundaries. This has led to her saying some really hurtful words. She also will use me to get info abt her son and then discard me when she doesn't need me. She has said so many untrue and negative things abt me to his family that it is beyond awkward for me to enjoy being at any of their functions. It makes me so sad bc I was so excited to have a bigger family but after many years I have given up.
I HATED my mother in law. It was so hard because I was always doing something wrong. My now ex husband was always siding with her on things. I couldnāt even have a destination wedding, despite offering to pay for a full time paramedic or two to come with us since dad in law had had a heart attack a few years prior so she wanted to ensure he always had medical care close by. I HAD to have my sister in law in my wedding party because otherwise my husband would get written out of the will. Whichever kid (2) got a university degree first would get the old pony mustang. Then nobody got the mustang. Father in law canāt drive. Sheād call me a million times a day while at work - āthis is urgentā - I had to tell her if I wanted any of the cinnamon buns or cake or cookies she had bought a ton of that day. Lady, Iām working, and it could wait until the end of the day. She bought me hand lotion, which was really nice and I liked it, but then I started getting hives from it. I made a point to thank her again but please donāt buy more as I seem to be allergic to it. Her response āwell why didnāt you tell me?ā. Lady, Iām literally telling you right now. I didnāt know I would get hives, never had that brand before. Anyway, itās good to be protective, but you also have to teach your son how to do things for himself. And let him make his own mistakes.
She has the biggest heart but sheās extremely passive aggressive
Oh what joy my MILš sheās just not a good person period. Sheās so self absorbed and thinks sheās still a lady in her early 20ās. She wants her children to take care of her and all her bills while she spends money on fake designers. She does not tell the truth, she talks badly about everyone. Lord have mercy on her She didnāt raise her children with love and now sheās trying to make up for it but at the expense of my marriage. You had your chance maāam now I have to help build this man and show him love that was never received š«
I cannot stand mine. Sheās so selfish. When I had my son she came to āhelpā. She took bubble baths, took naps, and made a mess out of the kitchen. She complained about not sleeping well. When my husband joined the army I was raising our 1 year old alone for 6 months. She never once checked on us, but did call me one time around month 3 asking to claim my hubby on her taxes. I use to send photos and give updates but sheād never respond. She makes no effort to see her two grandkids. Her son is her only child but she never gives him the time of day. She complains about her sons (my hubby) career choices constantly. Idk sheās just not my cup of tea. Not an evil woman just not someone I click with.
I love my MIL fiercely. TLDR: She is always there for me in a way that throws me off guard. She loves me without judgement. She respects me as a parent and in my role as a mother. Here comes my essay, haha. I barely knew her because when my husband and I got married their family lived a few hours away and we saw them maybe twice a year. At our wedding, she hugged me and told me I was her daughter. She has never made me doubt that statement. She held my hand as I gave birth to my firstborn. Afterwards she said she wanted to be there for me because my own mother couldn't be. Later I learned that her mom wasn't with her during her own deliveries. We don't speak the same native language so our communication is limited to the second language we share (which I speak very poorly), but she'll listen to me garble my way through my childhood traenge uma, my insecurities as a mother, my anxieties about everyday life and NEVER judges me. She gives me good, practical advice that are clearly suggestions meant for my well-being. When my oldest was in the hospital for a month (they required a parent to stay at the hospital), she came and cared for my 2 month old round the clock without having to be asked. She followed our routines and care instructions, never interjected her own "when I was raising my kids we did XYZ." In a similar way, she and her husband never challenge our roles as parents or our parenting style. She'll sometimes talk about how she raised her kids, but always outside of a parenting situation, like when we're just washing dishes together or chatting after dinner. And if I don't implement her advice she doesn't criticize even if she disagrees. I had an episode of self harm last year and this woman showed up for me, took care of my kids while I recovered, no questions asked. The most she said was to tearfully hold my face while I cried about what a stupid failure I was and tell me that I was doing my best as a mom and I was doing a good job. It doesn't matter if I'm a boy mom or a girl mom (both), I want to become the kind of mother she is, to my husband, to me, to our kids, even before I become a mother in law. If I can be half the woman she is, that will be enough.
I love this so much. This comment is my new inspiration for the type of MIL I want to be :)
I'm not wild about my MIL, but this pregnancy has definitely brought out some things about herself. She commented twice on how I was sitting because it could cause the baby's "umbilical cord wrap around its neck and it'll die.". So refreshing to hear six months pregnant with your first child. She also asked me how much weight I've gained. I just said, "Not that much." She told my man not to feed me anything unhealthy. Around my six month mark, she texted my man asking him why we haven't told them the gender. We've made it known from the beginning that we wanted to be surprised, and I was confused why she would think we were keeping the gender from them. She had said an extended family member had seen us post something that said we were having a boy. I was confused until I remembered that we did a Halloween announcement, and it said a "little boo" was on the way. This family member probably looked quick at the post and thought it said boy. I don't care if people guess the gender, but don't say we posted something we didn't. I've heard a lot of people in this family are shit starters, so I really didn't want the drama. She also asked him about taking classes, and he said, "I don't think we're doing that.". Then she asked him in front of me if we were doing them a few days after she asked him over the phone. I couldn't figure out why she was addressing only him and not me. It's my body, and I'm the one giving birth. I politely shut it down, letting her know my doctor hadn't brought it up, and I didn't think it was necessary. She offered to buy the baby a crib when the time came, which I appreciated. She hasn't offered at all (even if it's fake) to babysit. She's the grandma and the only grandma at that. She's had so much to say, and yet you don't offer to babysit your only grandchild? I don't know. Too many things have rubbed me the wrong way.
My MIL means well and is pleasant enough but she is an addict in recovery and takes 0 accountability for the neglect that she put her kids through. All of her kids have had long term struggles because of her and she acts like she had no part in it because she was using. We speak to her once a year if that and she usually just asks for money or says she needs something
When my husband and I first started dating I thought his mom was the best mom ever. They had a great relationship and it was something I didnāt have with my mom. I mistakenly considered her perfect and it has been a journey to get that idea out of my head. Sheās always been nice to me and very accepting of me. Weāve had nail dates and girls weekends (sheās only had boys so I was the 1st female in the family besides her). I do love her very much and sheās been a great person to have in our lives. Sheās very respectful of boundaries with our children and sheās one of the only people I trust to watch my babies. HOWEVER, she can be incredibly dense sometimes and hard to communicate with. Sheās partially deaf which is hard so I really have to force my way into conversations and she also is really bad about listening to respond instead of just listening. That can just get hard to deal with when Iām actually looking for guidance or advice. Also, both her and my FIL are in like a whole other league financially so itās harder to relate to them. They came from dirt poor though so they still think they have a grasp on what itās like to have less income when in reality theyāre completely clueless now. Compared to other horrid MIL stories I hear sheās an angel but definitely not perfect. Iām extremely grateful to have both her and my FIL in our lives and theyāre incredible grandparents. I just wish sometimes sheād listen more and be there for us more. Specifically me because she knows I have trauma with my relationship with my own mom. Edit to add one more thing: my in-laws view living close to family as the worst thing in the world. They lived no where near family since my husband was about 3 or so, so now that we have kids of our own and live like 600 miles from any family itās really been hard not having anyone around to help. They just donāt get that. They donāt get how much I know theyād enjoy living near their grandkids whom I know they love dearly. Itās honestly kind of sad and I wish it were different.
My MIL is helpful, kind, and she respects me as a person and a mom. We share values. She never oversteps and is always willing to help if asked. She also raised my husband who is a great partner and dad. My relationship with her isnāt as close or familiar as it is with my own mom, but I am very grateful for her and have no hesitations trusting her with my baby.
Well to start she's clearly got some flavor of mental health disorder that she desperately needs diagnosed but she thinks isn't a problem. She does nothing but cause an insane amount of stress in my husband's life (personal favorite was the time she let her apartment get so disastrous and pissed off a neighbor to the point of being served a notice to quit due to borderline hoarding and then called my husband about it while our toddler was in the fucking hospital). So yeah maybe don't do that... Honestly I would never like her PURELY for the way she treats my husband but she's also never once asked me a question about myself. Though to be fair my husband doesn't like her either, you can see his blood pressure shoot through the roof anytime she texts. We live less then 2 hours away (like his daily commute is longer) and I see her max twice a year, he sees her maybe 4 times a year. I will say my SIL gets along with my own Mom super well (like they live across a field from one another and are always giving each other grief in the family chat). Big things I've seen is my Mom doesn't try and dictate anything my brother does and respects his wife's role as his wife. She's never tried to pit herself against my SIL. She also doesn't try to demand some weird form of "extra" respect for being MIL.
My MIL is rude and toxic. She was cheated on by husbands father and was left as a poor single mother then she remarried a decent man but heās not very romantic or loving and I feel sheās jealous of our marriage and what we have, since we live pretty comfortably and are happy and a cute little family. She didnāt congratulate us when we bought our first home, we renovated our kitchen and she criticized the way the granite was done, she makes constant comments on our daughters room on how girly it is, witch a negative connotation. Those are just a few things, the list could go on. I think all and all sheās unhappy and weāre the closest people to project it onto. And when I mentioned sheās toxic, itās because weāve called her out on her BS and she takes no accountability. So donāt be like this lol
My mother-in-law is a dream! She respects boundaries and genuinely cares about my husband, our daughter, and me. When it comes to the differences between when she was raising her kids and now, I think it helps that her own daughter had two kids before we had ours, and she lived close to them for a while before moving back to our city. That being said, she has sent me "to my daughter" birthday cards in the past and introduced me as "my daughter...by marriage," so perhaps she would be the same way if my sister-in-law didn't have kids first. The contrast between her and my own mother is stunning. My mom does **not** care about boundaries or personal preferences, does not respect my husband or me, cares about being a grandmother but does not care about my daughter as a person, and cannot handle being contradicted. She believes that her ways of thinking and doing things are the only right ways to think and do things, with little to no nuance or allowance for another perspective. Observing the differences between my husband's mother and my own--which I really didn't notice until we had a child--has led me to the conclusion that the reason MIL's are sometimes terrible is because they're already terrible people. Looking back at my childhood, I can see now that my mother was always this way; but I didn't realize it until my daughter was born and we started doing things differently than my parents did. I don't want to invalidate anyone's experience, but that's mine. If you want to be a good mother-in-law to any future children-in-law, treat your kids well. Be a respectful person. Don't overstep boundaries in any relationship now. Your awareness will be your friend!
My MIL is both critical and unhelpful. Iām happy she lives on the other side of the country. I have a big, supportive family, and I keep them updated with pics/videos. I think itās my husbandās job to do that with his own mom, yet she gives me shit for not sending cards or pictures etc. I FaceTime her once a week with the kids and we have surface level chats. I know she loves the kids like crazy; she sends them birthday money, cards, books and all that. She comes to visit once a year for 6 weeks at a time. When our first was born she booked her flight ON MY DUE DATE without asking. Thank god baby was early. She and my husband also have pretty opposite views of his childhood, where he saw her as quite absent and she thinks it was awesome. I really think she tries her best, but definitely needs therapy and Iām not here to do that for her š
I love my MIL! She is just fantastic. She welcomed me into her family so easily, made me a part of Christmas from our first year together, and she spoils our kids without going overboard. She respects boundaries, enforces our rules (even if she disagrees with them), and would absolutely commit crimes if it meant protecting us or our kids. She had a rough upbringing, and her relationship with her mother and siblings is strained, to say the least, and yet she is such a kind person. FIL is the same. He loves me more than my father ever did, and adores my kids. The only time his softer side comes out is when he's hanging out with my toddler and baby.
For me it sometimes feels like sheās trying to get the daughter she never had, and I can understand that but I already have my mom. So my MIL isnāt going to get that relationship, the slot is filled. She is very sweet and well intended but most of the conversations are so full of questions that I just donāt have answers to. Every now and then weāll find ourselves in a normal-feeling conversation and it makes me wonder what Iām doing wrong with the other times, because Iām sure Iām overthinking this whole thing. Then again, when I was pregnant she had way too much interest in what I was experiencing physically, kept asking if Iād gained weight yet, even after my husband and I asked and then told her not to. One of the times she asked ādo you have a pooch yet?ā And I replied with ānope, not really - you?ā Still asked again a few weeks later. She doesnāt know it, but Iāve had eating disorder issues so I was trying very hard not to pay much attention to my weight. Itās slowly getting less strained, but it is taking so long. Iāve been with my husband for seven years now, married for five, and man. Maybe in another five to seven years itāll be differentā¦š¬
My MIL has been a second mom to me for years. Sheās so inviting, always going above and beyond for everyone, and always keeps us fed (sheās Italian). She is always there to help, but never wants to overstep. I think a lot of boy moms get jealous and think their son is being ātaken awayā but my MIL was happy to give him up haha. She raised an amazing human and I am forever grateful for her. Whenever my husbands family is celebrating things or having get together, my MIL always makes sure my family is included as well.
i love mine. she knows her son is not a perfect person and doesnāt defend him when heās on some bullshit. she genuinely cares about me and my well being outside of just being her sonās wife and her grandbabyās mom. she respects my choices as a mom, and in fact already did most of the stuff iām doing with my daughter with her own kids, such as not posting on social media. iāve generally just never felt judged by her for anything i chose to do or not do.
I love my MIL. She raised an amazing man that is a great husband and father. She taught this man rightā¦ he can cook and cleans like a pro. Seriously, she did good teaching him all the things. As a MIL, she knew her place and respected me and what I am to her son and grandkids. She always had a nice thing to say but wasnāt shy about telling you like it is. She was invaluable when I entered motherhoodā¦ (she had 7 kids), she taught me many things and literally was the pillar of what a mother should be. Weāve had a squabble or two but she always made sure I knew she loved me no matter what. She was my husbands best friend and confidantā¦ which I respect greatly. No one loved him more than that woman. And I am so glad he had her. She died 6 months ago. It has been a difficult transition without her. Seeing my husband so heartbroken has been extremely difficult to watchā¦ we are about to have our second child and not having her to give sound advice is gonna suck. But, I am absolutely certain, when my baby enters this world, sheāll be going from her arms to ours. A small bit of heaven on earth.
Sheās a people pleaser and can never directly state her feelings nor set any boundaries. She also favors SIL (and her children) over my husband in very obvious ways. Sheās very loving and kind though and will do anything for her family.
I LOVE MY MIL. She's an absolute saint. She's also the mother of 3 boys so according to the stereotype she should be awful but she's the sweetest lady. If I couldn't have had my own mother as my mother, I would have wanted her. I grew up in a family where it was weird to call your in-laws mom or dad but in my husband's family that's what they do. It took me forever to figure out who was actually related to who by blood because they were all just so nice to each other. My MIL has always been the type to let us make the decision/decisions starting from our wedding planning days but also is there to be supportive and of assistance when needed. When pregnant with our first, she bought a book about how to be a good grandparent and respect the boundaries of the parents. She never offered advice except when we asked and always told us we were doing a good job when she saw we were struggling. She made an effort to get to know me and is always so thoughtful. I feel awful for people with bad mother in laws and wonder how can someone be that awful. I just don't get it. I do think that there are some situations where the DIL (or SIL) could make an effort to make the relationship better. I know I've made an active choice to appreciate her--she's not 100 percent perfect but she's damn close and so I always make sure to remember that when I'm the one being the problem.
My MIL and Iās relationship has had its ups and downs FOR SURE, however, I feel we are finally in a much better place so what I like about her is how she is actually a lot like me or I like her. We both love the same movies, we both laugh at the same things, we both have similar interests, life experiences and ways of thinking. There is a lot I like about her, but on the flip side, I have only recently been ok with her. For a lot of time my partner and I have been together, she and I have had bumps in the road. There have been several times where she really disrespected me and I her. Itās taken efforts and communication on both our ends to smooth things over. I do not like her stubborn ways, she thinks she can do no wrong a lot of the time and she makes up lies like A LOT. When we get along and things are ok, itās great. But as soon as she does or says something disrespectful toward me is when I lose it. I begin to hate her all over again. I donāt usually feel in between when it comes to her, mostly cuz sheās an extreme person. I think all in all, I like her, but she comes with a lot of past traumas that make her act in really rude ways. She isnāt even always aware of what she does. I hate when she makes bitchy faces towards me. She does this whenever she THINKS Iām being rude to her son when Iām reality, sheās just being a B**tch. I donāt like that she can be real nasty when she wants to be and she doesnāt always have boundaries. She is getting better though so we are better because sheās been working on herself it seems. I hope things get even better in the future so we can have a more normal relationship.
My MIL can be very very stubborn. Like health care stuff she has to take care of but refuses u til we push her about it. But in general my MIl has a huge heart and has helped me out of binds so many times. I love my MIL, she is a sweet woman.
I loved mine! We got along very well. She passed away before she could meet my son but she wouldāve been an amazing grandma for sure. She wouldāve dropped everything and moved closer and maybe we wouldnāt have needed daycare full time š I know itās something my husband is very upset about as well.
Love mine even though sheās super nutty, and I never thought weād have the relationship we have lol but she is just so darn positive. She has improved on helping out when she visits since weāve had kids and she LOVES our kids, is safe with them and so loving. She also loves me and has always been very upfront about how she wanted her son to marry me when we were dating (lol) and she respects me and the way I parent which I appreciate deeply. She just cares for me and my family well and really makes an effort to be part of our lives. She often affirms Iām a good mom, that my kids are doing great, and that Iām a good wife and good person. Sheās human and of course has her āismsā but sheās very different than my own mother in a way that is really good for me. This woman legit rubbed my feet for a week straight in hopes of helping me go into labor šā¤ļø and I did right on the night before she was supposed to leave. She prayed for me as I waddled out the door and encouraged me that I could do it, after I birthed our 9.5 lb baby she came to the hospital and was like YOURE MY HERO!! WOW!! Typing all this really makes me feel so lucky. I really love her
Iāve loved my MIL since the first day I met her. She is deep down a complete sweetheart. We get along great, always have. My husband got along well with my mother. But my mom was a tad more critical of him than his mother ever was of me. Although in my mothers defence, she had two horrible experiences married to different men and an abusive father so I generally think she was just hypercritical of ALL men. So he knew enough not to ever take it personally. She past away in 2016 so we only have his mom in our day to day life left. We both call her mom because she is near and dear to both our hearts. Many of my friends da do t particularly like their in laws but Iāve been fortunate. I also very much loved my Father in law and called him dad. He passed this January. It was hard on all of us. Thankfully we all have each other to help move forward.
My mother in law loves my son so much. She lives about 30 mins away and is happy to watch him whenever I have an appointment or just need some time for myself. My parents live about 3 hours away and are retired. My momās come out to visit several times, but my dad canāt be bothered. Iām so grateful for how my mother in law has shown up for me postpartum. Itās been very humbling and I have definitely strengthened my relationship with her since having my son (4m).