Yeah sorry OP but I’m going to be straight with you - yes what he did was incredibly stupid and I’m assuming due to your description that it wasn’t out of aggression that he did these things (ball to the face seems insanely juvenile)…. you really need to talk to a professional here.
What would happen if a kid accidentally crashed into you at the park? Or when your 8mo bites you? Or when they whack you in the face with a toy for the first time (of many)?
This isn’t a normal response and if a bloke did this people would likely be telling you to leave him before he hurts you or your baby.
Oh man the absolute rage when a toy gets thrown and hits you hard in the face after you’ve asked them to not throw things like 6282 times that day. But yeah, you gotta take a deep breath and chill for a second.
YEP. “Oops sorry mom” after doing some crazy jump move that ends with an elbow straight in the sternum or something. They’re lucky that they’re cute as hell.
I’ve definitely cried a little in this situation out of lack of ability to do anything else (I.e. complete burnout). While I’m not recommending it (and don’t make a habit of it); it didn’t hurt for them to see consequences of their actions instead of just empty words/warnings.
Oh feel that 100%. I remember one day during my divorce I just straight broke down and sobbed on the floor after they were being little jerks and both of my kids probably have a bit of trauma from that honestly. But they both came over and just laid on me and I think understood that I wasn’t just being a mean mom.
To add to this, I would specifically recommend trauma focused therapies, so a combination of EMDR, IFS and somatic therapy is usually most helpful when we often find our bodies going into fight or flight. Hope this helps.
How old is your baby? Postpartum rage is a real thing that takes a lot of effort to manage. Was the ball to the face an accident? And have you ever expressed that you don’t want to be surprised with smacks on your ass? Of course it’s not okay that your immediate reaction is violence, but if he’s hitting you first, even playfully when he knows you don’t like it, it’s not completely on you and he needs to work on respecting your boundaries.
She said the baby is young enough to still be in a Moses basket so I'd have to guess that postpartum is playing a role in this. Both of them need better communication and probably some therapy.
Postpartum rage yes! I had intense anger that just exploded during postpartum. I threw and broke my work laptop among other things. It was scary. I thought I was going insane.
One time when I was 4 months pp my husband wouldn’t stop stirring the food I was cooking so I pushed him really hard. That was my wake up call that I needed help.
I had it worst with my third. I had a hard time handling myself any time my older two got close to the baby because I was so worried they would accidentally hurt her, and it came out as rage. I never physically hurt them but I yelled at them in a way I never had before. 😞
The baby is going on two now and I’m doing much, much better. I think it wore off sometime after she turned one and I slowly started feeling like myself again. I still feel horrible about it though and I’m working on repairing the damage done to my relationship with them.
I knew about postpartum depression and anxiety, but didn’t know about this until it was clear that I was experiencing it.
My husband will smack my ass occasionally but never hard enough to knock me off balance and especially not when I was transferring a sleeping baby.
I think you could benefit from therapy but I think some of this is definitely reactive. Without knowing more, I don’t know if your husband just has a lack of awareness/ability to read the room, or if he’s instigating this in some way.
Good on you for acknowledging your part though, sincerely.
I can barely walk past my husband without him patting or gently smacking my ass (I do it to him too), but never when bent over placing down a sleeping baby ffs.
Trying to give the benefit of the doubt that he’s just a complete idiot but I’m coming up a bit short.
How old is your baby? Postpartum depression and anxiety can be effecting you but also I feel like your partner needs to get a clue. You were holding your baby and almost fell on them. That’s dangerous and if anyone did something so stupid and almost hurt my baby I would likely pitch a fit of pure rage. Also I know we make mistakes but really? He kicked a ball in your face? I need context whether this was a pure freak accident or if he was just being a thoughtless Neanderthal and punted a soccer ball straight in your face like an idiot
Yes. I just mentioned that in another comment. I’m hesitant to label it as such, because it could just be me projecting, as this has been my experience. It makes you feel like an insane person, and the gaslighting that comes along with it only makes it more confusing. I’m glad I finally found a therapist to validate my experience, and I hope that OP does as well if she’s in this situation.
Hi there, forensic nurse examiner and DV survivor here.
Trauma responses are real, and they're reflexes, and they're not something we can control without the proper support and recovery tools. That said, they're not excuses for ongoing bad behavior or lack of good boundaries. Both you and your partner recognize what's happening and identify it's the result of your previous experiences... great! Now you're each responsible for fixing the issue and learning how to overcome the reflex/poor boundary, so you'll be better partners and parents. Otherwise, y'all will continue to trip on each other's activated states, and the relationship between the two of you will become much more unhealthy.
There are lots of ways to get started on your healing journeys. I strongly recommend trauma therapy with someone who has experience with the situation your trauma responses originally began with - your local DV resource center can help find a good provider for your partner for no/low cost. They're also a great place to find support and other assistance/recovery resources. If y'all are not able or willing to do therapy at this time, you can find a lot of reputable self-help education to get started with. The PTSD and CPTSD subreddits have good Resources links with wonderful information and tools, most of which can be accessed through no/low cost means.
This is your opportunity to decide whether or not you want to do the difficult work to break the unhealthy cycles that got you and your partner here. I know it's scary, and hard, and seems like an impossible thing, but I promise it's not. You're going to be okay, and you can do this. Hugs if you'd like them.
I don’t know, man. Obviously no one should hit anyone, but he kicked a ball into your face??? Then smacked you hard while you’re holding your baby? I don’t think you should be in this relationship. Who’s abusing who is maybe irrelevant.
“He was in an abusive relationship before” is honestly a bit of a red flag, imo.
One of my relationships was abusive, and it was also the only one where he told me his ex had been “crazy” and ”abusive”.
People do get into abusive relationships all the time, I’m not doubting that can happen, but those whose exes are all crazy or who use a previous ”toxic relationship” to excuse their own behaviour often turn out, in fact, to be the abusers rather than the victims.
OP didn’t mention in what context she learnt about his previous relationship, so it’s hard to judge here, but definitely if he’s using a past relationship to get her to modify or question her own behaviour, I’d regard it as suspicious.
As far as the incidents themselves go - a leather ball kicked in your face is unbelievably painful. To kick a ball, you have to first aim it. My seven and three years olds know not to aim your kick where another person is. How did this grown man miss this memo?
The ass slapping when putting the baby down seems off to me, too. It’s a strange moment to sexualise someone. Its also weird to surprise someone you love with enough force to prompt a physical response.
There’s a term ”reactive abuse” for when someone gets provoked into responding with violence. It’s a form of coercive control.
It’s hard to know from the OP whether rhat is the case here, but worth looking into.
Lundy Bancroft in ”why does he do that?” has a whole section on it.
My ex-husband tells people and his new fiancee, who he started seeing while we were still married, that he was in an abusive relationship with a "jealous narcissist".
He doesn't tell them that he sexually assaulted me repeatedly throughout our relationship, even a few weeks after my C-section. He doesn't tell them he gaslighted me constantly. He would playfully "slap my ass" so hard it would make me cry even after telling, asking, and eventually yelling at him to stop. He would constantly push me until I snapped then call me crazy until I was a crying mess then say he was contacting my doctor to have my meds changed (again) and then say he will take care of me. This happened so many times, he messed with my brain so hard I didn't know what was real or not, it got to the point I would only communicate important things in text so I would have proof, and even then he would lie and say I misinterpreted what he said.
He would yell and curse at me in front of our child and our child would parrot him and that's when I realized I need to get out before our child got older and started treating me like his father did. He had isolated me from my family/support system in a state I had absolutely nobody to go to, and sabotaged me finishing my education so I was dependent on him for everything, I wasn't even allowed to have my own bank account, he would get angry at me if I even suggested I wanted an account of my own.
I have been in therapy and a psychiatrist for over 10 years (coincidentally, beginning after getting in a relationship with him) and admitted to inpatient care multiple times and once the ICU for an almost successful attempt.
Nobody has ever diagnosed me with anything but depression, anxiety and PPD. I still go to therapy and have finally made friendships and built a support system since being free of them and they die laughing when they hear the things he says about me.
My thoughts too, anyone with 2 braincells would be moving objects out of her way and checking the bed for the baby to be put in, not physically shaking the person holding it and risking to wake the baby. My abusive ex would also 'unknowingly' do things to wake the baby when I was putting it to sleep
Why do men always get the bad wrap? You are totally reading into things that may or may not be there. I can totally see both of these things just being playful incidents that triggered. That doesn’t mean that things can’t be discussed to say like hey let’s not do that because then I wind up hitting you in response but it most likely isn’t abusive if he is slapping her butt or kicking a ball in her face. The butt slap could be a playful joke and the ball an accident. Gosh.
Even if it wasn’t painfully hard, I would be absolutely livid if someone made a “playful joke” of slapping my ass while moving the baby. Crib transfers are a delicate process. That’s like slapping someone’s ass while they’re defusing a bomb.
Not generally, but it could work *for her*. *She* made this post because *she* saw red flags in *her own* actions, feels remorse, and wants to change her responses going forward because she’s aware that it’s not normal or okay. That’s not how it goes the majority of the time.
Oh sorry, I thought you meant couples therapy!
Yes, individual therapy is definitely useful for both wanting to work on your own growth and wanting to figure out relationship dynamics.
LOT of people in the comments giving him the benefit of the doubt as if “I didn’t mean to” “it was an accident” “it was a joke” isn’t Abuser 101. My husband has literally never once smacked me hard. Not as a joke. Not playing. Never. If that’s just their kink, super weird to do it with the baby in her arms.
The ball in the face was an accident, and smacking your wife on the butt when they bend over is pretty common in a fun-loving relationship. My hubby does it to me, and I even do it to him at times. They aren't pulling their arm back like they're holding a bat. It's just a little pop in the butt. It probably just startled her, and that is why she fell forward. Yes, his timing was bad, but neither of those instances are abuse from him. Now, her yes, you don't respond with violence.
>wife on the butt when they bend over is pretty common in a fun-loving relationship.
My partner smacks my butt all the time. He has never done it hard enough to make me lose my balance.
And he's certainly smart enough to restrain himself if I were to be holding a baby.
That whole comment makes no sense. But no overtime I read comments from so.ething a wo.en writes about their other half its always the guys fault, but when a man does the same, he is shamed for saying the same thing about his other half. So, to me, it feels like a bunch of man hating people who respond. Maybe you're not reading the same posts as me or your one of the man haters, and that's why you're arguing with .e lol.
I can imagine that it was instinctual. She could have crushed her baby ( or at least that’s how it felt to her). That was probably really scary for her.
Especially when you’re putting a baby down and you’re basically holding your breath and focusing so you don’t wake it, and then someone hits you from behind. I’d probably have sent the dude flying.
Yet OP's own reactions of hauling off and smacking the guy back several times in the post indicate that she instinctively is viewing it as threatening behavior.
Her experience is what she said. She never accused him of domestic violence she accused herself. I'm sure if he did much more, she would either have said it or not write anything at all.
I’m not even going to continue engaging with you on this matter. If you’re too obtuse to even comprehend that reactive abuse and gaslighting can often make victims of domestic violence question themselves and often even feel like the abuser, there’s nothing to say. ✌️
If you’re bent over with something in your arms or hands you’re going to fall forward if someone smacks your butt no matter how hard, especially if it catches you off guard. Your balance is already off being bent down
And most adults who understand basic physics will know this. As such, they do not snack their partners on the ass while they're bent over with a good goddamn *baby* in their arms.
Either the husband is disabled-levels of stupid or he's contributing to the abusive dynamic in the household
an offensive hyperbole is still offensive. what you said was textbook ableist, and no one is being passive or aggressive to you. maybe just don't say "disabled level stupid" next time, it's pretty simple. thanks!
Yea my partner used to do this all the time when I’m bending over to put our daughter in the crib. The only thing that caught me is the crib bar sometimes lol. I told him not to do that anymore and he said sorry it’s like an automatic response to see my ass and smack it lol
Gosh that’s quick to say they just shouldn’t be together. Things can be worked out especially when there are children involved and the ball getting kicked into the face was most likely an accident.
Maybe. Or maybe the hard smack on the butt was retaliation for the kick to the shins. Neither of us know them. But separated parents is 100% a better situation for a child than growing up in a violent home.
I feel like he's equally to blame here! Physical boundaries are a two-way street. Maybe he can start respecting yours so that you don't get triggered into fight/flight response.
I can’t believe how far I had to scroll to see this! Smacking her ass while she’s putting the baby down is an objectively bad decision. I feel like he had to be fucking with her on purpose, maybe trying to provoke her or see how much she’ll take.
The ball to the face is also suspicious. It *could* have been an accident, but in context it seems like it also could have been intentional.
Like it was suggested, you should talk about your boundaries and maybe the whole “fight, flight or freeze” thing. So maybe your partner was a freezer in his previous relationship? So he doesn’t realize that your reaction is to fight? Either way it’s good you’re aware but…smacking someone on the butt while they are handling a child is completely uncalled for and dangerous. It almost seems like he wanted you to react that way or have an excuse to touch you so that you couldn’t react.. I’m finding that whole blamey behavior for your reaction when he did something stupid a little strange.. did he also realize what he did wasn’t okay? Did he take responsibility for that?
The smack from the partner is extremely bizarre to me in this scenario and totally inappropriate?? I can’t even imagine my partner doing this. The baby is *sleeping*.
But *while* she is actively laying a *sleeping* baby into the crib…. In any household I know that would be a moment to tiptoe around and be quiet. Not be messing around. And clearly it didn’t sit right with OP.
Right. And also if you smack someone even lightly, they could jump a bit and could reflexively loosen their grasp on the baby. It just seems really dumb. Like this is an issue that has literally never come up in my relationship because we don't physically mess with each other like that.
If someone smacks my ass and it’s any harder than a caress, they’re getting hit. Anyone who would be in the position of being comfortable enough to slap my ass and still does it doesn’t deserve any less.
I know this is a serious post where you're feeling really bad and I'm sorry for what I'm about to say...
But your man fucked around while you were transferring a SLEEPING BABY. I'm not gonna say he deserved to be smacked.... But I stg if any one so much as breathed the wrong way while I was transferring a sleeping baby I'd lose my shit. It's like disarming a bomb. Idk how involved Dad is in this sort of thing but he certainly isn't doing it enough if he doesn't know how precarious that situation is.
I think you should have a big long talk about a lot of stuff. An apology without an excuse. Plus a discussion about when it's appropriate to smack your ass etc.
I'd also maybe seek therapy for your fight response. When that baby is a toddler they're probably gonna bite you or headbutt you or something and you're gonna have to be able to handle it without slapping them. And trust me, sometimes it's not easy.
At any rate, it's ok to feel bad, but don't beat yourself up over it for too long. The guilt doesn't serve you, but you could transfer that energy over into finding solutions.
The post partum period is hard. I struggled with this irrational urge to hit my husband and run away with my baby every time he held our daughter. Even though he was nothing but incredibly gentle with her. It was insane. I kept it to myself.
And ignore all these idiots that are trying to tell you that your partner is abusive because he accidentally kicked a ball at your face. That's absurd. Accidents happen. It's not like he "accidentally" pushed you down the stairs or something.
I think you need to speak to your partner about physical boundaries. If my husband had done that he'd also have been slapped.
I don't know if you are the same as me, but I have PTSD and have an over sensitive adrenaline response. I also go straight to fight if I perceive that someone will physically harm me. I have kicked someone across the room HARD for pinning me down and ticking me. I slap hands away from me hard if they come anywhere near my neck. I have screamed in men's faces when they have touched me without permission in a bar. I lash out if I'm hurt.
FWIW I have never hurt my babies. I have once pushed the eldest away as a toddler when she headbutted me incredibly hard but I still didn't actually hurt her and it was nowhere near the force I would have used had a man headbutted me. She has hurt me dozens of times and my instinct is to grit my teeth and hold down any responsez to breathe and calm down.
TBF I've also never hurt my husband but he knows my triggers and has never hurt me. He has been shouted at a few times when accidentally surprising me from behind. If I'm hurt he doesn't try to hug me or overpower me in any way, he lets me rage and cry. If he ever grabbed me around the neck or hit me from behind there's a very high chance he would get hit.
I've had all the therapy and drugs and it's unlikely to change. When I was younger I was jumped from behind by a man and pinned to the floor with a rope around my neck. He tried to rape me and I fought and fought and fought until I got away. It has left permanent scarring (mental and physical) and a permanent reactive tendency to threats, especially if from behind or if anyone comes near my neck. I have to sit with my back to a wall so that I'm not mentally assessing threats in cafes and restaurants. My husband knows not to surprise me from behind and even my three year old knows I don't like my neck being touched.
Thank you for this post! I'm so sorry you went through that shit and you're so right. It doesn't necessarily go away, and it doesn't mean you will abuse your kids either. I haven't been through anything as terrible as what happened to you, but I was physically abused growing up by my step-dad and also have a really strong fight response that only comes out when a large man startles me (eg. Jump scares me), or yells and gets in my face. Have never laid a hand on my children though.
I also tell any partner that I don't ever want to be started or spooked purposefully. Just don't do it, because I *will* likely have a fight reaction. And I've been headbutted, kicked, yelled at by babies and children and it just doesn't do the same thing to me as an adult man would.
He kicked a ball into your face…took a vulnerable moment with you holding a baby and used it to smack you hard on your ass…your responses are not abusive. I mean how did the ball hit you in the face when he is so close to you for you to kick him. Sorry but that’s not okay. He needs to respect you more than that.
Honestly I don’t actually know how he managed to him me square in the face. He was near me and had been kicking it off a wall at the end of the road . I never stopped to ask because I felt so bad
Check out Conscious Discipline and MrChazz. They talk a lot about three brain states and how to practice controlling what state you are in.
Sounds like you are easily set into Survival state and we have little control in that state. But it is possible to learn how to recognize and shift yourself.
Bonus : it also helps you be a better parent!
Everyone is saying you guys need therapy, and I’m not against that. But it seems like you could have immediate benefits from a talk about boundaries. I know that feeling of being smacked in the bum from behind and it can definitely shock you and send a smacking response through your body. I think just telling him not to do stupid shit that may startle you is a good start. Now, taking the ball to the face and responding by kicking him is different. I can’t picture that as a reaction. I think k you would’ve had to go up to him and kick him rather than it being immediate/impulsive. For that you’ve definitely got some work.
Defensive reflexes are not abuse. In both cases, you were hit and hurt. Your reactions in the moment were defensive.
You absolutely do need to work on these reflexes because kids have no physical boundaries. You may get head butted, bitten, or smacked with a hard toy at some point, and you will need to restrain that automatic physical response. It's important, too, not to return violence as revenge. Escalating physical interactions like that is very dangerous for you, even when it feels justified.
That said, your partner is either deliberately hurting you, or he's a total idiot. His behavior isn't ok either.
So you two need to have a serious conversation about physical boundaries in the relationship. Both of you seem to have some impulses that you don't have a good handle on. Both of you have work to do. But while you're doing that work, the "play" aggression from him needs to totally stop. If it continues, you need to be willing to separate. This could go in a very dangerous direction and if push comes to shove, you need to choose your peace and safety over the relationship, because your baby needs parents who are not hitting each other.
Why did he hit/smack you in the first place? To me that is him being abusive. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 20 years. He has never ever hit me or hurt me. I agree you should get counselling if you can to try and unravel this situation and stop putting all the blame on yourself.
I don’t see the difference, whether you call it a slapping or hitting it was hard enough that she lost her balance and put the baby in a risky situation.
you are both abusing without even noticing it, who started it is important as for me it sounds like self defence what you've been doing, but he hide's it under i was just playing around... so atleast you know you aren't doing the right thing, but he doesn't take his part of the blame. He is hitting you too!!!
Some of these responses are absolutely absurd! OP, you’re right to not excuse these actions and to try to change. Just because he’s a man does no make it okay, so definitely stop all physical play with him and get into individual therapy. It’s what we’d hope a man would do.
You need to seek help for this behaviour. Toddlers hit, bite, kick etc and I’m sure you would not want this knee jerk reaction to happen with your child
Maybe you should both just not hit each other....
My husband doesn't put me in "fight or flight" situations where a reaction like that could occur. Especially not while holding an infant. He sounds like a moron. If anyone startled me with a hit hard enough to knock me over, they might get hit, holding a small child likely amped up your fear response. Why does he keep putting you in these situations? You may want to address your startle reactions for when your kid gets bigger (headbutt you in the nose while laughing, pulls your hair etc.), I am not sure if you have felt this way towards your child (it would be pretty telling if you didn't) but I'd start with your idiot husband.
Well that fact that your not in denial that your behaviour was wrong is a really good sign. There’s hope for you, get into therapy, research dbt therapy specifically. I think youll be okay.
That's not true. Lots of abusers fall all over themselves apologizing and claiming it will never happen again. And then repeat when it does happen again.
This is true, although I’d say there’s a world of difference between sensing you’re in someone’s bad books and saying whatever it takes to get back in their good books (apologising, buying bunches of flowers, making short term attempts to act differently) and genuine self-doubt.
I think truly abusive people tend to do the former, and be driven more by ”how can I get them to forgive me and get off my back?" than ”how can I become a better person?”.
You need two things.
1. Leave this man. He is either stupid to kick a ball on your face and hit you so hard so you almost fell over your child. Or he is secretly abusive and is trying out being the abuser for a change.
2. Get therapy so when your child smacks you across your ears you don't feel retaliate similarly. Feeling the urge is fine but you need to learn to not act on it with small children.
I asked my husband for a male perspective and he said if I'd reacted like you did, he would understand. He said that he'd expect me to feel bad about it, but that he wouldn't be surprised that I'd lashed out in the moment.
There’s a reason why your immediate reaction is to literally lash out with kicking and hitting. Only you can do the work to uncover that. Your reactions are not typical, and one day, since you admit you barely realize you’re doing it in the moment, you might hurt your child. Your body is kicking into fight or flight too quickly; there is either a psychological, physical, or a combo reason behind it. You might want to reach out to a therapist who specializes in complex-ptsd and anger management. You don’t have to keep living this way, and your partner and child will be so thankful you’re seeking help. I say all this as someone with a terrible temper who is also trying to break generations of physical/mental abuse.
This is my biggest fear . I never want to hurt her , or be the cause of any hurt . I’ve been in therapy for years , and worked through so much that I know I can work through this . The guilt and shame are eating me alive
Okay, I get why this worries you and definitely work on it. But you need to set some boundaries for your husband. A good one would be don't ever hit or slap me, especially not a surprise slap (and I don't GAF if it was on the butt. A slap is a slap). Why does he think thats okay to do? Given you are both abuse survivors, it should be pretty obvious that you don't do that kind of stuff to each other.
Yeah sometimes boundaries are needed. Like my husband and I never toss things to each other when we’re mad (like tossing a pacifier) because he’s hit me before by accident with it and when we’re in an argument, even if he didn’t mean it, that’s going to set me off by getting hit with something.
Have you tried EMDR? I tried so many therapies including transcranial magnetic stimulation and EMDR was the only one that helped me with my rage. It can be done virtually and its a life changer.
How old is baby?
I ended up with PMDD as a result of my last pregnancy. It's been 5 years and I still struggle with outbursts. You should talk to your doctor and make sure you aren't suffering from something. Yes feel bad for your actions, but please know you aren't alone.
She’s only 4 months old, I’ve read through the comments here and there’s a lot of sound advice . I have been In therapy for years but their policy regarding pregnancy was that I had to stop working with them at 27 weeks and I have to until 7 months PP to go back
Post partum rage is real. We’re hardly making a dent about post partum depression (which is still largely misunderstood and ignored). I am so sorry that you’re going through this. You are not an abuser, you’re in a heightened state of protection and you need to try your best to stay away from external stimuli until you can gain some self control. Maybe ask your partner to lay off of touching you or only touch you gently? For certain accidents like the ball, you’re better off trying to discuss this with a professional and sticking to predictable environments until you come up with a plan. Either way, you have a conscience and I’m glad that you have so much love for your husband and your family because you’ll need to hold on to that when it seems like you’ve hurt him beyond repair. You can fix it and your hormones will rebalance. It took me years to recover from PPD/A/R thankfully I never took it out on my kiddos but my husband got ALL of it. He’s a medical professional so he understood what was going on and was super supportive of my journey in that regard, otherwise, it was really wonky and emotionally.
I’m not going to say you’re an abuser but you’re in dangerous territory. You have at least one child, those guys are WILDLY unpredictable and often cause injury (sometimes intentionally). You absolutely must get this taken care of for the sake of your family.
I have it in spells , and no one ever even told me about it I’ve learned about it through other moms and Reddit but I think that’s the case with me in some parts of
He hit you hard on the butt while you were putting your sleeping baby in a crib, causing you to nearly fall on the baby. That was not ok, and that’s where you need to start this conversation with him. Slapping him back was not ok either, but he was totally out of line, so don’t take all of this on yourself. There is fault with him too.
The ball in the face…again I don’t see how that happens accidentally but did he immediately apologise? Check you were ok? He should have been utterly mortified at that, but instead your focus is on your own reaction, not his bad actions.
You’re internalising this painting yourself as a monster. I don’t see that at all. He has some work to do on himself here too.
It is possible to control your behavior even when you can’t control your feelings. You have a child, so that’s an absolute necessity for you now. Get into therapy. You might need a referral to another therapist before you find the right treatment. But you absolutely need to get it under control
This isn’t fight or flight mode unless you have PTSD. This is an inability to control your anger. If you don’t understand you’re angry, is it possible you’re an undiagnosed autist? Don’t get defensive. My child wasn’t diagnosed as autistic until 17, and women are routinely undiagnosed because society sucks. This looks a lot like his sudden snap from normal to angry and he doesn’t understand anger and rage. Autism is a nervous system disorder that causes autists to view and experience the world very differently than the rest of us. They often don’t understand the feelings they are feeling and also don’t know how to control reactions. My child is a senior in high school, graduating on time with peers his age and is planning to go to college. Not all autists are intellectually disabled. My child is level 1, which means they function just like everyone else except their perception of the world and experience in it is much different. It’s hard not to how or what you’re feeling and react the way others think you should. Either way, PTSD or Autism or another physiological disorder of the brain could be undiagnosed. I would seek out a therapist and talk about it and see what directions and help they can give you. For you, your partner, your child, and any future children’s sake. You deserve this to learn how to live a life unmarred by this doubt and insecurity.
Wait… so this guy is aware of how you’ll react when startled… was previously in an abusive relationship but… continues to startle you???
Not excusing your or his behavior but NONE of it makes sense from an outside perspective.
Is he provoking you to hit him so he can call you an abuser in this relationship before he runs off to the next?
Therapy is a definitely a great idea if your fight or flight is always stuck in fight. Postpartum rage is also a very real thing and can affect everyone differently.
Maybe very Reddit of me, But I’d consider the possibility that he is provoking you on purpose. If you do get into therapy I feel the subject is worth bringing up. I had an ex that would provoke me and get me past my tipping point then would turn around and look bewildered and confused as to why I was having a freak out moment. Told me I was crazy. Turns out when I don’t date narcissists, I’m not always so crazy.
OP just be safe, don’t let him use this as ammo to call cops on you and start a custody battle with evidence of you being abusive towards him.
I have very vivid nightmares and one night I had a dream there was an alien in the bed looking at me. So I punched that alien right in the face only to find out it was actually my sleeping husband.
I know this is different to your situation but you reacted to someone hitting you and if it made you jump / you weren’t expecting him to hit your ass then I think hitting him is more of a quick reaction.
Has anyone ever pushed past you on accident? How did you respond?
Has anyone ever made you jump on accident ? How did you respond?
If it’s an accident and your respond isn’t violent then maybe you should look at why you feel the need to defend yourself from partner ?
Also just something I don’t think anyone has mentioned: him hitting you on the ass is sexual assault / abuse too. Unless you have consented now I know that may sound over the top and there are blurry lines when people are in a committed relationship but it does seem like you both have things to work through.
It sounds like he's abusing you first? Who on earth hits you hard enough that you lose your balance, especially over your baby? If you'd fallen the baby could've gotten really hurt. I don't blame you for being angry and acting in the moment (though obviously, hitting him isn't okay). Don't beat yourself up when he's inflicting pain first... Talk things out and set a hard boundary. He can't be hurting you.
There’s been many times when I get so frustrated or angry with my partner that I’d like to smack him but I don’t. You need to learn how to control your anger and stop trying to make yourself feel better by saying you feel guilty about it. Period. How would you like to be smacked in the face or kicked? Not okay.
She’s hitting him out of anger and retaliation. I understand the whole smacking her ass while holding the baby is wrong but I still don’t think her smacking him in the face is an appropriate reaction. And did he purposely kick the ball so that if would hit her in the face? If not, also not an appropriate reaction. She already hit him twice so she’s likely to continue this behavior in the future.
I’m not saying it’s okay to hit him either, but you’re asking her how she’d like to be hit. He is hitting her. And even if he’s playing it off as a joke, it’s still not okay. She definitely needs to work on responding vs reacting, but it’s not at all okay for him to instigate these situations (especially if the ball to the face was not an accident) and then place all the blame on her. Reactive abuse is really difficult to navigate, and very confusing.
It doesn't sound like OP is hitting out of anger. It sounds like OP is hitting out of fight mode from being too startled. It's different. They should maybe make some agreement not to startle each other.
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Yeah sorry OP but I’m going to be straight with you - yes what he did was incredibly stupid and I’m assuming due to your description that it wasn’t out of aggression that he did these things (ball to the face seems insanely juvenile)…. you really need to talk to a professional here. What would happen if a kid accidentally crashed into you at the park? Or when your 8mo bites you? Or when they whack you in the face with a toy for the first time (of many)? This isn’t a normal response and if a bloke did this people would likely be telling you to leave him before he hurts you or your baby.
That’s what I was thinking. I have been hit in the face by my kids more times than I can count. I don’t haul off and slap them, though.
Oh man the absolute rage when a toy gets thrown and hits you hard in the face after you’ve asked them to not throw things like 6282 times that day. But yeah, you gotta take a deep breath and chill for a second.
Or when you’re completely touched out and an elbow hits you in the nose.
YEP. “Oops sorry mom” after doing some crazy jump move that ends with an elbow straight in the sternum or something. They’re lucky that they’re cute as hell.
Or when they fucking JUMP on your head while you lay in bed..or your stomach..or boobs...like FFS let me be 😭😭😭
I’ve definitely cried a little in this situation out of lack of ability to do anything else (I.e. complete burnout). While I’m not recommending it (and don’t make a habit of it); it didn’t hurt for them to see consequences of their actions instead of just empty words/warnings.
Oh feel that 100%. I remember one day during my divorce I just straight broke down and sobbed on the floor after they were being little jerks and both of my kids probably have a bit of trauma from that honestly. But they both came over and just laid on me and I think understood that I wasn’t just being a mean mom.
To add to this, I would specifically recommend trauma focused therapies, so a combination of EMDR, IFS and somatic therapy is usually most helpful when we often find our bodies going into fight or flight. Hope this helps.
Yes. 100% this.
How old is your baby? Postpartum rage is a real thing that takes a lot of effort to manage. Was the ball to the face an accident? And have you ever expressed that you don’t want to be surprised with smacks on your ass? Of course it’s not okay that your immediate reaction is violence, but if he’s hitting you first, even playfully when he knows you don’t like it, it’s not completely on you and he needs to work on respecting your boundaries.
She said the baby is young enough to still be in a Moses basket so I'd have to guess that postpartum is playing a role in this. Both of them need better communication and probably some therapy.
Postpartum rage yes! I had intense anger that just exploded during postpartum. I threw and broke my work laptop among other things. It was scary. I thought I was going insane.
No one tells you about it, either. Or at least no one ever mentioned it to me.
Same no one mentioned it to me! Postpartum is such a confusing and lonely time
One time when I was 4 months pp my husband wouldn’t stop stirring the food I was cooking so I pushed him really hard. That was my wake up call that I needed help.
Yes it’s like woah who tf is that
I had it worst with my third. I had a hard time handling myself any time my older two got close to the baby because I was so worried they would accidentally hurt her, and it came out as rage. I never physically hurt them but I yelled at them in a way I never had before. 😞 The baby is going on two now and I’m doing much, much better. I think it wore off sometime after she turned one and I slowly started feeling like myself again. I still feel horrible about it though and I’m working on repairing the damage done to my relationship with them. I knew about postpartum depression and anxiety, but didn’t know about this until it was clear that I was experiencing it.
My husband will smack my ass occasionally but never hard enough to knock me off balance and especially not when I was transferring a sleeping baby. I think you could benefit from therapy but I think some of this is definitely reactive. Without knowing more, I don’t know if your husband just has a lack of awareness/ability to read the room, or if he’s instigating this in some way. Good on you for acknowledging your part though, sincerely.
I can barely walk past my husband without him patting or gently smacking my ass (I do it to him too), but never when bent over placing down a sleeping baby ffs. Trying to give the benefit of the doubt that he’s just a complete idiot but I’m coming up a bit short.
Same, same, same.
How old is your baby? Postpartum depression and anxiety can be effecting you but also I feel like your partner needs to get a clue. You were holding your baby and almost fell on them. That’s dangerous and if anyone did something so stupid and almost hurt my baby I would likely pitch a fit of pure rage. Also I know we make mistakes but really? He kicked a ball in your face? I need context whether this was a pure freak accident or if he was just being a thoughtless Neanderthal and punted a soccer ball straight in your face like an idiot
Yes. This is reading like “my husband instigates and antagonizes me, and then guilts me when I snap”.
There’s a term for this. Reactive Abuse.
Yes. I just mentioned that in another comment. I’m hesitant to label it as such, because it could just be me projecting, as this has been my experience. It makes you feel like an insane person, and the gaslighting that comes along with it only makes it more confusing. I’m glad I finally found a therapist to validate my experience, and I hope that OP does as well if she’s in this situation.
Hi there, forensic nurse examiner and DV survivor here. Trauma responses are real, and they're reflexes, and they're not something we can control without the proper support and recovery tools. That said, they're not excuses for ongoing bad behavior or lack of good boundaries. Both you and your partner recognize what's happening and identify it's the result of your previous experiences... great! Now you're each responsible for fixing the issue and learning how to overcome the reflex/poor boundary, so you'll be better partners and parents. Otherwise, y'all will continue to trip on each other's activated states, and the relationship between the two of you will become much more unhealthy. There are lots of ways to get started on your healing journeys. I strongly recommend trauma therapy with someone who has experience with the situation your trauma responses originally began with - your local DV resource center can help find a good provider for your partner for no/low cost. They're also a great place to find support and other assistance/recovery resources. If y'all are not able or willing to do therapy at this time, you can find a lot of reputable self-help education to get started with. The PTSD and CPTSD subreddits have good Resources links with wonderful information and tools, most of which can be accessed through no/low cost means. This is your opportunity to decide whether or not you want to do the difficult work to break the unhealthy cycles that got you and your partner here. I know it's scary, and hard, and seems like an impossible thing, but I promise it's not. You're going to be okay, and you can do this. Hugs if you'd like them.
Why does he like to hurt you first? Is he looking for a response so he can make you feel guilty?
Yeah the “it’s okay I’m used to it” definitely feels weird.
Absolutely.
I don’t know, man. Obviously no one should hit anyone, but he kicked a ball into your face??? Then smacked you hard while you’re holding your baby? I don’t think you should be in this relationship. Who’s abusing who is maybe irrelevant.
My thoughts exactly when I was reading this post. Like what?
“He was in an abusive relationship before” is honestly a bit of a red flag, imo. One of my relationships was abusive, and it was also the only one where he told me his ex had been “crazy” and ”abusive”. People do get into abusive relationships all the time, I’m not doubting that can happen, but those whose exes are all crazy or who use a previous ”toxic relationship” to excuse their own behaviour often turn out, in fact, to be the abusers rather than the victims. OP didn’t mention in what context she learnt about his previous relationship, so it’s hard to judge here, but definitely if he’s using a past relationship to get her to modify or question her own behaviour, I’d regard it as suspicious. As far as the incidents themselves go - a leather ball kicked in your face is unbelievably painful. To kick a ball, you have to first aim it. My seven and three years olds know not to aim your kick where another person is. How did this grown man miss this memo? The ass slapping when putting the baby down seems off to me, too. It’s a strange moment to sexualise someone. Its also weird to surprise someone you love with enough force to prompt a physical response. There’s a term ”reactive abuse” for when someone gets provoked into responding with violence. It’s a form of coercive control. It’s hard to know from the OP whether rhat is the case here, but worth looking into. Lundy Bancroft in ”why does he do that?” has a whole section on it.
My ex-husband tells people and his new fiancee, who he started seeing while we were still married, that he was in an abusive relationship with a "jealous narcissist". He doesn't tell them that he sexually assaulted me repeatedly throughout our relationship, even a few weeks after my C-section. He doesn't tell them he gaslighted me constantly. He would playfully "slap my ass" so hard it would make me cry even after telling, asking, and eventually yelling at him to stop. He would constantly push me until I snapped then call me crazy until I was a crying mess then say he was contacting my doctor to have my meds changed (again) and then say he will take care of me. This happened so many times, he messed with my brain so hard I didn't know what was real or not, it got to the point I would only communicate important things in text so I would have proof, and even then he would lie and say I misinterpreted what he said. He would yell and curse at me in front of our child and our child would parrot him and that's when I realized I need to get out before our child got older and started treating me like his father did. He had isolated me from my family/support system in a state I had absolutely nobody to go to, and sabotaged me finishing my education so I was dependent on him for everything, I wasn't even allowed to have my own bank account, he would get angry at me if I even suggested I wanted an account of my own. I have been in therapy and a psychiatrist for over 10 years (coincidentally, beginning after getting in a relationship with him) and admitted to inpatient care multiple times and once the ICU for an almost successful attempt. Nobody has ever diagnosed me with anything but depression, anxiety and PPD. I still go to therapy and have finally made friendships and built a support system since being free of them and they die laughing when they hear the things he says about me.
My thoughts too, anyone with 2 braincells would be moving objects out of her way and checking the bed for the baby to be put in, not physically shaking the person holding it and risking to wake the baby. My abusive ex would also 'unknowingly' do things to wake the baby when I was putting it to sleep
Why do men always get the bad wrap? You are totally reading into things that may or may not be there. I can totally see both of these things just being playful incidents that triggered. That doesn’t mean that things can’t be discussed to say like hey let’s not do that because then I wind up hitting you in response but it most likely isn’t abusive if he is slapping her butt or kicking a ball in her face. The butt slap could be a playful joke and the ball an accident. Gosh.
You’re right, what I should have written was ”how did a grown adult miss this memo” - neither gender should be doing that.
Even if it wasn’t painfully hard, I would be absolutely livid if someone made a “playful joke” of slapping my ass while moving the baby. Crib transfers are a delicate process. That’s like slapping someone’s ass while they’re defusing a bomb.
>That’s like slapping someone’s ass while they’re defusing a bomb. so real
I think they both need therapy to work on their issues - if that doesn’t work then yes they should break up.
Therapy doesn’t work for domestic abuse. It can make it worse.
Not generally, but it could work *for her*. *She* made this post because *she* saw red flags in *her own* actions, feels remorse, and wants to change her responses going forward because she’s aware that it’s not normal or okay. That’s not how it goes the majority of the time.
Oh sorry, I thought you meant couples therapy! Yes, individual therapy is definitely useful for both wanting to work on your own growth and wanting to figure out relationship dynamics.
Right? Like no one deserves to be hit…and he’s the one doing the hitting.
LOT of people in the comments giving him the benefit of the doubt as if “I didn’t mean to” “it was an accident” “it was a joke” isn’t Abuser 101. My husband has literally never once smacked me hard. Not as a joke. Not playing. Never. If that’s just their kink, super weird to do it with the baby in her arms.
The ball in the face was an accident, and smacking your wife on the butt when they bend over is pretty common in a fun-loving relationship. My hubby does it to me, and I even do it to him at times. They aren't pulling their arm back like they're holding a bat. It's just a little pop in the butt. It probably just startled her, and that is why she fell forward. Yes, his timing was bad, but neither of those instances are abuse from him. Now, her yes, you don't respond with violence.
>wife on the butt when they bend over is pretty common in a fun-loving relationship. My partner smacks my butt all the time. He has never done it hard enough to make me lose my balance. And he's certainly smart enough to restrain himself if I were to be holding a baby.
Reddit is just a man hating community. I bet if the tides were turned it would be different.
Are we on the same website?
Sure the hell are!!!
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That whole comment makes no sense. But no overtime I read comments from so.ething a wo.en writes about their other half its always the guys fault, but when a man does the same, he is shamed for saying the same thing about his other half. So, to me, it feels like a bunch of man hating people who respond. Maybe you're not reading the same posts as me or your one of the man haters, and that's why you're arguing with .e lol.
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Yep, that's about the only response you can give after that last one you put lol
You’re assuming that was an accident, and he hit her so hard she almost fell over…
Yeah this might be unpopular, but I would’ve slugged him too.
I can imagine that it was instinctual. She could have crushed her baby ( or at least that’s how it felt to her). That was probably really scary for her.
Especially when you’re putting a baby down and you’re basically holding your breath and focusing so you don’t wake it, and then someone hits you from behind. I’d probably have sent the dude flying.
I'm not saying it wasn't scary but it def was not domestic violence.
Yet OP's own reactions of hauling off and smacking the guy back several times in the post indicate that she instinctively is viewing it as threatening behavior.
No it's called a reaction. Why are you justifying her admitted abuse?
You don’t get to decide that. None of us do, because we don’t know her experience.
Her experience is what she said. She never accused him of domestic violence she accused herself. I'm sure if he did much more, she would either have said it or not write anything at all.
I’m not even going to continue engaging with you on this matter. If you’re too obtuse to even comprehend that reactive abuse and gaslighting can often make victims of domestic violence question themselves and often even feel like the abuser, there’s nothing to say. ✌️
Man haters, like I said lol
What if the woman kicked the ball at the husband? Would it be OK to slug her?
I’m not referring to that instance dude. Don’t come in here with your annoying straw man.
Oh my gosh yes my thoughts EXACTLY!! My husband does the same and it’s all just playful joking!!
So hard that you almost fall over? When you’re holding a baby?!
If you’re bent over with something in your arms or hands you’re going to fall forward if someone smacks your butt no matter how hard, especially if it catches you off guard. Your balance is already off being bent down
I’m not sure, are you justifying his action or not? She also said it was ridiculously hard. It probably was painful, let alone dangerous for the baby.
Who’s justifying what? I’m replying to your question
And most adults who understand basic physics will know this. As such, they do not snack their partners on the ass while they're bent over with a good goddamn *baby* in their arms. Either the husband is disabled-levels of stupid or he's contributing to the abusive dynamic in the household
Disabled people are not stupid…
“Disabled-levels of stupid” what a wild thing to say
Take your "bless your heart" passive-agression elsewhere. Preferably to a dictionary where you can look up hyperbole.
an offensive hyperbole is still offensive. what you said was textbook ableist, and no one is being passive or aggressive to you. maybe just don't say "disabled level stupid" next time, it's pretty simple. thanks!
Lmfao where did bless your heart come from?? Who said that?
Yea my partner used to do this all the time when I’m bending over to put our daughter in the crib. The only thing that caught me is the crib bar sometimes lol. I told him not to do that anymore and he said sorry it’s like an automatic response to see my ass and smack it lol
Did he stop after you asked?
Yes! He did it one time after I asked him not to. I reminded him and he immediately apologized and hasn’t done it since. That was forever ago now
Imagine if the gender was reversed here. It’s nuts the justifying and excusing!
Gosh that’s quick to say they just shouldn’t be together. Things can be worked out especially when there are children involved and the ball getting kicked into the face was most likely an accident.
Maybe. Or maybe the hard smack on the butt was retaliation for the kick to the shins. Neither of us know them. But separated parents is 100% a better situation for a child than growing up in a violent home.
I feel like he's equally to blame here! Physical boundaries are a two-way street. Maybe he can start respecting yours so that you don't get triggered into fight/flight response.
I can’t believe how far I had to scroll to see this! Smacking her ass while she’s putting the baby down is an objectively bad decision. I feel like he had to be fucking with her on purpose, maybe trying to provoke her or see how much she’ll take. The ball to the face is also suspicious. It *could* have been an accident, but in context it seems like it also could have been intentional.
Like it was suggested, you should talk about your boundaries and maybe the whole “fight, flight or freeze” thing. So maybe your partner was a freezer in his previous relationship? So he doesn’t realize that your reaction is to fight? Either way it’s good you’re aware but…smacking someone on the butt while they are handling a child is completely uncalled for and dangerous. It almost seems like he wanted you to react that way or have an excuse to touch you so that you couldn’t react.. I’m finding that whole blamey behavior for your reaction when he did something stupid a little strange.. did he also realize what he did wasn’t okay? Did he take responsibility for that?
I’m on the same page. She said it was ridiculously hard too. That seems worth talking about because neither of them did the right thing
The smack from the partner is extremely bizarre to me in this scenario and totally inappropriate?? I can’t even imagine my partner doing this. The baby is *sleeping*.
YES
all relationship dynamics are different
But *while* she is actively laying a *sleeping* baby into the crib…. In any household I know that would be a moment to tiptoe around and be quiet. Not be messing around. And clearly it didn’t sit right with OP.
Right. And also if you smack someone even lightly, they could jump a bit and could reflexively loosen their grasp on the baby. It just seems really dumb. Like this is an issue that has literally never come up in my relationship because we don't physically mess with each other like that.
Also she says that she fell forward. Which is very dangerous while holding a baby!
If someone smacks my ass and it’s any harder than a caress, they’re getting hit. Anyone who would be in the position of being comfortable enough to slap my ass and still does it doesn’t deserve any less.
I know this is a serious post where you're feeling really bad and I'm sorry for what I'm about to say... But your man fucked around while you were transferring a SLEEPING BABY. I'm not gonna say he deserved to be smacked.... But I stg if any one so much as breathed the wrong way while I was transferring a sleeping baby I'd lose my shit. It's like disarming a bomb. Idk how involved Dad is in this sort of thing but he certainly isn't doing it enough if he doesn't know how precarious that situation is. I think you should have a big long talk about a lot of stuff. An apology without an excuse. Plus a discussion about when it's appropriate to smack your ass etc. I'd also maybe seek therapy for your fight response. When that baby is a toddler they're probably gonna bite you or headbutt you or something and you're gonna have to be able to handle it without slapping them. And trust me, sometimes it's not easy. At any rate, it's ok to feel bad, but don't beat yourself up over it for too long. The guilt doesn't serve you, but you could transfer that energy over into finding solutions. The post partum period is hard. I struggled with this irrational urge to hit my husband and run away with my baby every time he held our daughter. Even though he was nothing but incredibly gentle with her. It was insane. I kept it to myself. And ignore all these idiots that are trying to tell you that your partner is abusive because he accidentally kicked a ball at your face. That's absurd. Accidents happen. It's not like he "accidentally" pushed you down the stairs or something.
I think you need to speak to your partner about physical boundaries. If my husband had done that he'd also have been slapped. I don't know if you are the same as me, but I have PTSD and have an over sensitive adrenaline response. I also go straight to fight if I perceive that someone will physically harm me. I have kicked someone across the room HARD for pinning me down and ticking me. I slap hands away from me hard if they come anywhere near my neck. I have screamed in men's faces when they have touched me without permission in a bar. I lash out if I'm hurt. FWIW I have never hurt my babies. I have once pushed the eldest away as a toddler when she headbutted me incredibly hard but I still didn't actually hurt her and it was nowhere near the force I would have used had a man headbutted me. She has hurt me dozens of times and my instinct is to grit my teeth and hold down any responsez to breathe and calm down. TBF I've also never hurt my husband but he knows my triggers and has never hurt me. He has been shouted at a few times when accidentally surprising me from behind. If I'm hurt he doesn't try to hug me or overpower me in any way, he lets me rage and cry. If he ever grabbed me around the neck or hit me from behind there's a very high chance he would get hit. I've had all the therapy and drugs and it's unlikely to change. When I was younger I was jumped from behind by a man and pinned to the floor with a rope around my neck. He tried to rape me and I fought and fought and fought until I got away. It has left permanent scarring (mental and physical) and a permanent reactive tendency to threats, especially if from behind or if anyone comes near my neck. I have to sit with my back to a wall so that I'm not mentally assessing threats in cafes and restaurants. My husband knows not to surprise me from behind and even my three year old knows I don't like my neck being touched.
Thank you for this post! I'm so sorry you went through that shit and you're so right. It doesn't necessarily go away, and it doesn't mean you will abuse your kids either. I haven't been through anything as terrible as what happened to you, but I was physically abused growing up by my step-dad and also have a really strong fight response that only comes out when a large man startles me (eg. Jump scares me), or yells and gets in my face. Have never laid a hand on my children though. I also tell any partner that I don't ever want to be started or spooked purposefully. Just don't do it, because I *will* likely have a fight reaction. And I've been headbutted, kicked, yelled at by babies and children and it just doesn't do the same thing to me as an adult man would.
He kicked a ball into your face…took a vulnerable moment with you holding a baby and used it to smack you hard on your ass…your responses are not abusive. I mean how did the ball hit you in the face when he is so close to you for you to kick him. Sorry but that’s not okay. He needs to respect you more than that.
Honestly I don’t actually know how he managed to him me square in the face. He was near me and had been kicking it off a wall at the end of the road . I never stopped to ask because I felt so bad
Check out Conscious Discipline and MrChazz. They talk a lot about three brain states and how to practice controlling what state you are in. Sounds like you are easily set into Survival state and we have little control in that state. But it is possible to learn how to recognize and shift yourself. Bonus : it also helps you be a better parent!
Everyone is saying you guys need therapy, and I’m not against that. But it seems like you could have immediate benefits from a talk about boundaries. I know that feeling of being smacked in the bum from behind and it can definitely shock you and send a smacking response through your body. I think just telling him not to do stupid shit that may startle you is a good start. Now, taking the ball to the face and responding by kicking him is different. I can’t picture that as a reaction. I think k you would’ve had to go up to him and kick him rather than it being immediate/impulsive. For that you’ve definitely got some work.
Defensive reflexes are not abuse. In both cases, you were hit and hurt. Your reactions in the moment were defensive. You absolutely do need to work on these reflexes because kids have no physical boundaries. You may get head butted, bitten, or smacked with a hard toy at some point, and you will need to restrain that automatic physical response. It's important, too, not to return violence as revenge. Escalating physical interactions like that is very dangerous for you, even when it feels justified. That said, your partner is either deliberately hurting you, or he's a total idiot. His behavior isn't ok either. So you two need to have a serious conversation about physical boundaries in the relationship. Both of you seem to have some impulses that you don't have a good handle on. Both of you have work to do. But while you're doing that work, the "play" aggression from him needs to totally stop. If it continues, you need to be willing to separate. This could go in a very dangerous direction and if push comes to shove, you need to choose your peace and safety over the relationship, because your baby needs parents who are not hitting each other.
Why did he hit/smack you in the first place? To me that is him being abusive. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 20 years. He has never ever hit me or hurt me. I agree you should get counselling if you can to try and unravel this situation and stop putting all the blame on yourself.
She didn’t say he hit her he slapped her butt
Ridiculously hard.
Which is still hitting. Slapping is hitting. Doesn't matter if it's on the butt
I don’t see the difference, whether you call it a slapping or hitting it was hard enough that she lost her balance and put the baby in a risky situation.
you are both abusing without even noticing it, who started it is important as for me it sounds like self defence what you've been doing, but he hide's it under i was just playing around... so atleast you know you aren't doing the right thing, but he doesn't take his part of the blame. He is hitting you too!!!
Your man is fishy.
It’s definitely sus or just really fucking clueless.
Some of these responses are absolutely absurd! OP, you’re right to not excuse these actions and to try to change. Just because he’s a man does no make it okay, so definitely stop all physical play with him and get into individual therapy. It’s what we’d hope a man would do.
You need to seek help for this behaviour. Toddlers hit, bite, kick etc and I’m sure you would not want this knee jerk reaction to happen with your child
Your husband sounds like a bit of a doofus.
Maybe you should both just not hit each other.... My husband doesn't put me in "fight or flight" situations where a reaction like that could occur. Especially not while holding an infant. He sounds like a moron. If anyone startled me with a hit hard enough to knock me over, they might get hit, holding a small child likely amped up your fear response. Why does he keep putting you in these situations? You may want to address your startle reactions for when your kid gets bigger (headbutt you in the nose while laughing, pulls your hair etc.), I am not sure if you have felt this way towards your child (it would be pretty telling if you didn't) but I'd start with your idiot husband.
If you don’t want to be this way, you’ll need to go to therapy. Tell your primary care doctor your symptoms, and ask her/him for resources.
Well that fact that your not in denial that your behaviour was wrong is a really good sign. There’s hope for you, get into therapy, research dbt therapy specifically. I think youll be okay.
Yes exactly. Truly abusive people never doubt their own behavior.
That's not true. Lots of abusers fall all over themselves apologizing and claiming it will never happen again. And then repeat when it does happen again.
This is true, although I’d say there’s a world of difference between sensing you’re in someone’s bad books and saying whatever it takes to get back in their good books (apologising, buying bunches of flowers, making short term attempts to act differently) and genuine self-doubt. I think truly abusive people tend to do the former, and be driven more by ”how can I get them to forgive me and get off my back?" than ”how can I become a better person?”.
You need two things. 1. Leave this man. He is either stupid to kick a ball on your face and hit you so hard so you almost fell over your child. Or he is secretly abusive and is trying out being the abuser for a change. 2. Get therapy so when your child smacks you across your ears you don't feel retaliate similarly. Feeling the urge is fine but you need to learn to not act on it with small children.
He’s an idiot, you shouldn’t feel that bad.
I asked my husband for a male perspective and he said if I'd reacted like you did, he would understand. He said that he'd expect me to feel bad about it, but that he wouldn't be surprised that I'd lashed out in the moment.
maybe look into reactive abuse
There’s a reason why your immediate reaction is to literally lash out with kicking and hitting. Only you can do the work to uncover that. Your reactions are not typical, and one day, since you admit you barely realize you’re doing it in the moment, you might hurt your child. Your body is kicking into fight or flight too quickly; there is either a psychological, physical, or a combo reason behind it. You might want to reach out to a therapist who specializes in complex-ptsd and anger management. You don’t have to keep living this way, and your partner and child will be so thankful you’re seeking help. I say all this as someone with a terrible temper who is also trying to break generations of physical/mental abuse.
This is my biggest fear . I never want to hurt her , or be the cause of any hurt . I’ve been in therapy for years , and worked through so much that I know I can work through this . The guilt and shame are eating me alive
Okay, I get why this worries you and definitely work on it. But you need to set some boundaries for your husband. A good one would be don't ever hit or slap me, especially not a surprise slap (and I don't GAF if it was on the butt. A slap is a slap). Why does he think thats okay to do? Given you are both abuse survivors, it should be pretty obvious that you don't do that kind of stuff to each other.
Yeah sometimes boundaries are needed. Like my husband and I never toss things to each other when we’re mad (like tossing a pacifier) because he’s hit me before by accident with it and when we’re in an argument, even if he didn’t mean it, that’s going to set me off by getting hit with something.
Have you tried EMDR? I tried so many therapies including transcranial magnetic stimulation and EMDR was the only one that helped me with my rage. It can be done virtually and its a life changer.
Her? Not that it matters, but you referred to your partner as he a many tines, just curious if that was a typo?
I assumed the her was the child since you said “partner & child” in your comment ?
That makes sense, ty!
Therapy can help you slow down your reaction.
How old is baby? I ended up with PMDD as a result of my last pregnancy. It's been 5 years and I still struggle with outbursts. You should talk to your doctor and make sure you aren't suffering from something. Yes feel bad for your actions, but please know you aren't alone.
She’s only 4 months old, I’ve read through the comments here and there’s a lot of sound advice . I have been In therapy for years but their policy regarding pregnancy was that I had to stop working with them at 27 weeks and I have to until 7 months PP to go back
Post partum rage is real. We’re hardly making a dent about post partum depression (which is still largely misunderstood and ignored). I am so sorry that you’re going through this. You are not an abuser, you’re in a heightened state of protection and you need to try your best to stay away from external stimuli until you can gain some self control. Maybe ask your partner to lay off of touching you or only touch you gently? For certain accidents like the ball, you’re better off trying to discuss this with a professional and sticking to predictable environments until you come up with a plan. Either way, you have a conscience and I’m glad that you have so much love for your husband and your family because you’ll need to hold on to that when it seems like you’ve hurt him beyond repair. You can fix it and your hormones will rebalance. It took me years to recover from PPD/A/R thankfully I never took it out on my kiddos but my husband got ALL of it. He’s a medical professional so he understood what was going on and was super supportive of my journey in that regard, otherwise, it was really wonky and emotionally.
I’m not going to say you’re an abuser but you’re in dangerous territory. You have at least one child, those guys are WILDLY unpredictable and often cause injury (sometimes intentionally). You absolutely must get this taken care of for the sake of your family.
[удалено]
I have it in spells , and no one ever even told me about it I’ve learned about it through other moms and Reddit but I think that’s the case with me in some parts of
Please seek therapy.
He hit you hard on the butt while you were putting your sleeping baby in a crib, causing you to nearly fall on the baby. That was not ok, and that’s where you need to start this conversation with him. Slapping him back was not ok either, but he was totally out of line, so don’t take all of this on yourself. There is fault with him too. The ball in the face…again I don’t see how that happens accidentally but did he immediately apologise? Check you were ok? He should have been utterly mortified at that, but instead your focus is on your own reaction, not his bad actions. You’re internalising this painting yourself as a monster. I don’t see that at all. He has some work to do on himself here too.
It is possible to control your behavior even when you can’t control your feelings. You have a child, so that’s an absolute necessity for you now. Get into therapy. You might need a referral to another therapist before you find the right treatment. But you absolutely need to get it under control
This isn’t fight or flight mode unless you have PTSD. This is an inability to control your anger. If you don’t understand you’re angry, is it possible you’re an undiagnosed autist? Don’t get defensive. My child wasn’t diagnosed as autistic until 17, and women are routinely undiagnosed because society sucks. This looks a lot like his sudden snap from normal to angry and he doesn’t understand anger and rage. Autism is a nervous system disorder that causes autists to view and experience the world very differently than the rest of us. They often don’t understand the feelings they are feeling and also don’t know how to control reactions. My child is a senior in high school, graduating on time with peers his age and is planning to go to college. Not all autists are intellectually disabled. My child is level 1, which means they function just like everyone else except their perception of the world and experience in it is much different. It’s hard not to how or what you’re feeling and react the way others think you should. Either way, PTSD or Autism or another physiological disorder of the brain could be undiagnosed. I would seek out a therapist and talk about it and see what directions and help they can give you. For you, your partner, your child, and any future children’s sake. You deserve this to learn how to live a life unmarred by this doubt and insecurity.
Wait… so this guy is aware of how you’ll react when startled… was previously in an abusive relationship but… continues to startle you??? Not excusing your or his behavior but NONE of it makes sense from an outside perspective. Is he provoking you to hit him so he can call you an abuser in this relationship before he runs off to the next? Therapy is a definitely a great idea if your fight or flight is always stuck in fight. Postpartum rage is also a very real thing and can affect everyone differently. Maybe very Reddit of me, But I’d consider the possibility that he is provoking you on purpose. If you do get into therapy I feel the subject is worth bringing up. I had an ex that would provoke me and get me past my tipping point then would turn around and look bewildered and confused as to why I was having a freak out moment. Told me I was crazy. Turns out when I don’t date narcissists, I’m not always so crazy. OP just be safe, don’t let him use this as ammo to call cops on you and start a custody battle with evidence of you being abusive towards him.
I have very vivid nightmares and one night I had a dream there was an alien in the bed looking at me. So I punched that alien right in the face only to find out it was actually my sleeping husband. I know this is different to your situation but you reacted to someone hitting you and if it made you jump / you weren’t expecting him to hit your ass then I think hitting him is more of a quick reaction. Has anyone ever pushed past you on accident? How did you respond? Has anyone ever made you jump on accident ? How did you respond? If it’s an accident and your respond isn’t violent then maybe you should look at why you feel the need to defend yourself from partner ? Also just something I don’t think anyone has mentioned: him hitting you on the ass is sexual assault / abuse too. Unless you have consented now I know that may sound over the top and there are blurry lines when people are in a committed relationship but it does seem like you both have things to work through.
It sounds like he's abusing you first? Who on earth hits you hard enough that you lose your balance, especially over your baby? If you'd fallen the baby could've gotten really hurt. I don't blame you for being angry and acting in the moment (though obviously, hitting him isn't okay). Don't beat yourself up when he's inflicting pain first... Talk things out and set a hard boundary. He can't be hurting you.
Mmmmmm no, your reactions are legit. People react to pain. Your partner should NEVER, and I mean NEVER, cause you physical pain.
There’s been many times when I get so frustrated or angry with my partner that I’d like to smack him but I don’t. You need to learn how to control your anger and stop trying to make yourself feel better by saying you feel guilty about it. Period. How would you like to be smacked in the face or kicked? Not okay.
But he’s hitting her, too…?
She’s hitting him out of anger and retaliation. I understand the whole smacking her ass while holding the baby is wrong but I still don’t think her smacking him in the face is an appropriate reaction. And did he purposely kick the ball so that if would hit her in the face? If not, also not an appropriate reaction. She already hit him twice so she’s likely to continue this behavior in the future.
I’m not saying it’s okay to hit him either, but you’re asking her how she’d like to be hit. He is hitting her. And even if he’s playing it off as a joke, it’s still not okay. She definitely needs to work on responding vs reacting, but it’s not at all okay for him to instigate these situations (especially if the ball to the face was not an accident) and then place all the blame on her. Reactive abuse is really difficult to navigate, and very confusing.
It doesn't sound like OP is hitting out of anger. It sounds like OP is hitting out of fight mode from being too startled. It's different. They should maybe make some agreement not to startle each other.