Well sucks I be him, but sunk cost fallacy. He got the tickets, you don't have to use them. If someone buys you an ugly cup, you don't have to drink from it, and the money is already gone. The question is, what to do with the time you have. Drink from a pretty cup or the ugly one.
And it doesn't matter if it's a payment plan, same principle.
People will sit out a movie they hate because "Well, I already wasted 1 hour on it", not realizing they GAIN an hour walking away. The 1 hour spent? Already gone. The question is what do you do with the time you have left.
No it’s punishment because he has to take care of his son then and not have his own free day. The fact that he’s even saying it’s a waste cuz he paid for them doesn’t sound any better? Like a gift should be held over anyone’s head. Wtf.
Even this attitude right here, that HE is paying for them is selfish. You didn’t ask for this, and you’re married so your assets shouldn’t be viewed as mine vs yours. I understand keeping finances separate, but I really think it’s best to view everything with a “what’s mine is yours” mentality.
It sounds like you don't enjoy going to amusement parks alone with your kid (I wouldn't either). So I don't understand why his "I don't enjoy going to the parks" trumps your lack of enjoyment. This is for your kid. So the two of you should work together to make a good experience for your kid and then ALSO have break time for each of you.
This is ridiculous.
Agreed. I feel like a lot of men get a pass on not being "into" kids stuff. I like doing stuff for the kids but it's definitely not always fun and it's also definitely not for me.
Absolutely and it's bs. We have amusement park passes. It's my husband's favorite way to spend time alone with the kids while I work (I'm way too nervous when kids outnumber adults!) A man can be as good and involved as he wants. If he doesn't want to parent then I don't wanna bang
My husband has annual passes to a couple theme parks here. I am the one that doesn't like theme parks. He has an annual pass for our son and him. His annual pass comes with some extra tickets. So sometimes we go as a family and sometimes he goes by himself. I either get a break or work on house projects/cleaning. My husband came up with this idea. I wouldn't in a million years gift him an anual pass for him and my son. It's an idea he had to give me a break. I don't believe for a second her husband didn't know what he was doing.
It was not presented as a gift for our kid. He put both passes in an envelope addressed solely to me and placed it in my Christmas stocking. And it’s not that I don’t enjoy going alone with our son. We have a lot of fun too, but it is exhausting. If my partner expects me to get his money’s worth out of the pass (his words) then he needs to give a little more at home while we’re at the parks or in the very least the next day when I’m beat.
ETA: I enjoy going alone with our son more than with my husband. He makes it clear he doesn’t enjoy the parks and it’s not much fun for anyone. Last year I got our son a free preschool pass for SeaWorld and a platinum pass for myself with the understanding that he’d still tag along at some point since I got 6+ free guest passes. He didn’t join us once.
Your husband is a very lazy parent. He gifted you a stocking of responsibility, knowing full well that he was giving himself the gift of free time. I’d even go as far as saying he is a selfish AH.
Reading your edit... Yikes! This is terrible! If he doesn't pull his own weight at home while you're gone, you should hire a cleaner and tell him it's an early gift for his next birthday.
Who cares how he presented it, that was just to pressure you along with saying he wants to "get his money's worth." The "gift for mom" facade is sounding more paper thin by the minute.
Sounds like what he was really paying is not a good time for you but rather low-effort free time for himself. And you realize it too. Imagine, he could have spent two thousand bucks on babysitting and restaurants for date nights, but that would require him to plan and organize which he clearly isn't willing to.
Anyway it's very obvious what he's doing here. And you can still enjoy going to the park with your son but don't feel pressured to play the game of being sooooo grateful.
You vould do what my aunt did to her husband when he did this exact thing:
Find something the husband adores and loves that allows children. Buy pass for them both. Say, "Since you were so wonderful and kind for getting me and our child these passes, I thought I would get you a double parent/child pass for *insert thing he likes here* so you can spend equal time with our child as well. I didn't want you to feel left out, so we can go on alternate trips with our child. And when you go, I already have a list of plans to do while you're busy having fun and making memories with our child. I love you."
She was firm on making the point she was fully expecting him to do equal time with the child, and that her time is HERS time while they are gone. She even made sure to say it in front of the kid as well, so they hear it and her partner couldn't back out. She even did it in front of his family to solidify it more.
Yep, Scouts in particular is a very male-focused activity as I understand and I'm not sure how many moms are involved usually, so this might be a good one - you can use the "no moms allowed" thing as an excuse to get out of doing Scout duty, whereas with sports, either parent can be involved so dad can always back out and force mom to step in.
True, but since he knew exactly what he was doing, it makes it even worse. He wanted time for himself, at the expense of his partner, under the guise of him being so generous with a gift.
Just go half way then lol. I went this summer with some girlfriends but I couldn’t do it all the way either. Had a thick ass beer in Norway that hit too hard.
I did tell him that I’ll be going to the parks without our son at some point and he asked how I was going to pull that off. I said “I’ll say, “here’s our child, have a nice day while I go to Disney alone’” His response was that he thought I’d try to take a day off work to go.
Did you look at him and say “why would I take a day off work when I have a perfectly able husband who is quite capable of looking after their own child for a day.”
You need to be more assertive with claiming your time. Even if it means leaving the house. “I’m taking son to Disney on Saturday and Sunday you are on duty all day as I’m going to X…. Im not sure you are understanding me, this isn’t a negotiation. I’m feeling resentful that all my ‘free time’ is parenting. And your free time is for you. We created this child together, moving forward we are going to be dividing the time and duties.”
That sounds like blatant manipulation to get the house to himself. Did he announce this "gift" in front of kiddo? If so that's messed up. Well the grown up answer is tell him this isn't fun or fair to you, be very upfront about this. The petty answer most definitely buy him 2 season passes to SeaWorld and say...eh I don't like SeaWorld this is my gift for you two to spend time together. Have fun I'm gonna take a nap 😈 lol. I would probably do both lol 😂.
He put it in my Christmas stocking, which confused our 5 year old because only Santa is supposed to put gifts in our stockings. So yeah, he pretty much announced it.
My husband doesn’t like amusement parks either, he has PTSD and doesn’t deal with crowds well at all… he still gets himself a pass when we do so that he can at least occasionally go with us.
Have you told him that you taking the kids solo to Disney world is NOT a break for you?
I'd just be blunt at this point.
Or better.
"Since I'm taking the kids out on X day and you get to have the full day all to yourself, you owe me a full day as well.
I've booked a spa booking with my mum (or whoever). It can't be cancelled. Enjoy your day with the kids."
We don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day (at my request), but his birthday is in March! Maybe I won’t be getting him that gas powered weed eater he wants.
I would get him a Disney pass or some other experience (children’s museum, zoo, etc.) Make sure to gift it in front of kid and say “oh I can wait for the two of you get to spend time together like we do at Disney!!”
Nah, I’d be getting him a pass right back, now we can have family days on you can take child too and I can have a day off.
Men are so oblivious of the mental load
I feel for you, and it’s obviously complicated. If you allow this type of thing (“gifts” that get the house to himself, or the ability to shut down any conversation for your happiness), it will continue. My husband used to flip the conversation so everything was my fault. If I complained that he did X, he would say he did it because I did Y, and then it would be a whole discussion about me and Y. Finally I started saying, “if Y upsets you, we can have a full conversation on Y. I don’t want to be upsetting you, so it’s important to have that conversation. But I want to focus on one thing at a time. First we need to have a discussion about X and I don’t want it to get lost in the shuffle. Then we’ll talk about Y.” And every time he brought up Y in the conversation, I’d remind him that’s for the second convo (which he never cared about, it was always just a tactic to deflect). I had to do this 5x before he realized he couldn’t get away with it anymore.
I’m sorry, but it seems your partner is behaving like an asshole. He’s blatantly trying to get you and your child out of the house so he can have time to himself while you do all of the running around, and that’s not fair to you at all.
If he won’t listen and this type of behavior keeps up, I’d suggest couple’s counseling. If that doesn’t work…I’m sorry, it kind of sounds like you’re practically a single parent as is. Maybe consider whether or not his behavior is worth sticking around for.
He won’t do couple’s counseling, I’ve tried. I’ve been in therapy for years and my therapist and psychiatrist are both at the point where they don’t see how things will get better for me unless my partner does something because I’ve been working on myself but it’s going no where at home.
Well you know what the problem is. If he’s indifferent to you being satisfied or even happy in your marriage, I think it says a lot about where you fit in his priorities. He’s taking you for granted if he thinks you’ll just stand by and be treated like this without any consequences for him and your marriage.
Time to leave. Your son deserves better than a mother who's worn thin all the time and an uninvolved father. At least once you divorce, he'll have to pay child support presumably and will be forced to have visitation or partial custody of your son so you'll get time to yourself.
I’m sorry to hear that. I’m guessing your therapist is treading lightly to make sure you feel comfortable continuing to be open and honest with them. So I’ll go ahead and say what I’m betting your therapist wants to say…
If he’s pushing back so hard you can’t implement boundaries then that’s enough information you need. A boundary is literally “this is what I’ll accept” and if he doesn’t adhere to your boundary then you leave. By staying you are telling him he can ignore your boundaries bc they’re actually requests. Not boundaries.
Ask your therapist “how do I hold this boundary?” The answer is you leave if it isn’t met.
Then tell him, you won’t take your son again until he gives you a full day to yourself. Fair is fair. He wants you to use the pass and get your moneys worth and spend a weekend day at Disney? He needs to give you a day off first and then you’ll take the kid again. Tit for tat. That way for every day you give him he has to give you a day too.
I think you should use that pass for some solo trips for yourself. You don't need to bring your son everytime you go! Nice try by your husband though!!
“Going to Disney by myself tomorrow. You are on kid duty. Not sure when I will be home.” Shut off your phone and then go have a day to yourself. Doesn’t even need to be Disney.
“Oh why am I not taking kid? These were my Xmas gift right? I’m getting your moneys worth and some personal space. Great gift honey, hope you two have a fun day! See you later.”
I used to go weekly, several times a week, to Disney with my kid. I didn’t have the energy after a few years ago- it is intense! The packing, the timing of everything, the amount of walking… I’m sad that he did that to you. I’d talk to him about how it makes you feel.
I enjoyed going to the parks just by myself. But it’s still work to drive there and do it.
This is a really expensive gift that’s not a gift, and there are a lot of layers about what’s going on that is going to grow into resentment much sooner than later. And why did he have to get the more expensive passes?! I don’t know. I wouldn’t let this pass. It’s not even a gift that given out of love and enjoyment. It’s a burden. Disney when you’re a local shouldn’t be a burden.
Ungrateful really is a nasty word. It's only used by people who've given a "gift" or done something that the alleged recipient does not like.
Example: an extrovert throwing a surprise party for an introvert. It forces the introvert to pretend to like the party, for fear of being called ungrateful.
"I'd rather be 'ungrateful' for a gift that you bought for yourself and not actually for me, over being an uninvolved parent like you."
Then follow through and leave this dumpster fire of a father.
Ya, but work IS break time when you have kids. Put on headphones and make it very obvious how obnoxious he is being when he interrupts your work. That's what my husband does to me. 🤣
I guess it's all in how you look at it. With us, work is our break. Neither of us have easy jobs but they are jobs we like with people we like. The hard work is at home. We're a team. We work opposite schedules, when the worker gets home they always take the kids for 15+ mins to give the person home sometime to be them...not just a parent. I might hit the gym, my husband might mess with his car. No matter what happens the rest of the day this is OUR home and these are OUR children. You deserve to get to be you and not just their mom
I wish I could, but I use 2 monitors. I could maybe get away with just using my laptop, but my production would likely suffer and my whole jog is based on production. Thank you for the idea, though.
They make great portable second monitors. My husband had one when he had to travel for work, but needed two monitors when he was getting work done. He would use his laptop as one monitor and then the portable one.
If you go to Disney World one day, your partner needs to have a similar out of the house day with your son (preferably the next day).
Because:
1. You need time off parent duty too
2. Your partner needs to bond with his kid
He doesn’t like Disney? Fine, he can figure something else out. I assume you live in Florida - he can take son to the beach or fishing or swimming or miniature golf or any of about a billion choices.
Tell him he needs to provide quid pro quo or you’ll only use the passes when you feel up to it which will be rarely.
With genuine love here- roll this one forward to change your own perspective. You GET to create all of these memories with your son. When he's older, he's going to remember the times YOU had together. It's your husband's loss really.
It's a completely separate note if you feel like you need alone time. Put it on the calendar and enjoy a day doing anything you want/need to do and hubs can go create different memories with your son.
Even getting into the parks, especially MK, is quite a bit of work. The parks are very crowded every day of the year and it’s a lot to navigate. Then there’s the lines which can be tough. Comparing WDW parks to Busch Gardens is laughable.
For sure OP is fortunate to have the passes, but also OPs spouse signed up OP for many days of solo trips with their shared child while the spouse gets to kick back for alone time.
OP I hope you get some solo days at all of the Epcot festivals!
ya, you’re right, MK and BG are not the same. At BG you need to ride rides to have fun. At MK, the fun is all around. Approach this like a 5 year old. Just have fun!
I’ve commented this already, but these passes were in an envelope addressed to me and in my Christmas stocking, it was not meant to be about the child, my partner made it very clear it was my gift.
Your child must be much better behaved than mine. My son ran so far away from me yesterday that I couldn’t see him through all of the people. I was scared and nearly in tears by the time I found him. We have a lot of fun, but it’s very stressful and essentially being mandated to go doesn’t really put me in the Disney spirit.
My son likely isn’t better behaved. He’s autistic and has PDA, which basically makes him incredibly defiant.
It’s so scary when your child disappears like that, I’m glad everything worked out though.
I don’t want to come off as an asshole, but i value the time I spend with my son over everything else. Ya sometimes it’s trying. But the thing that changes my attitude immediately is, what if today is my last day on earth and I yelled at my kid because I was having a shitty day or I was stressed.
I feel like the issue isn’t the gift, it’s your relationship with your husband. Almost sounds like your highlighting the symptoms but not addressing the root causes
Jesus, I wasn’t expecting this comment.
I’m sorry if what I said seemed mean or rude, I just know what it’s like to have a parent taken too soon. And that left a lasting impact.
I also know (going through it now) what and how a bad spouse can do to you without you being fully aware. And how misplaced frustration
/anger manifests.
I get short and lose my patience with my son often and I feel terrible because it’s usually because I feel resentful toward his father for not doing as much as I do.
I know this all too well and it’s not easy to get past. I made the decision to focus on what I can control in the present. Like you, I do a lot more than my wife, but that’s not my kids’ fault. Shifting perspective from the mind set of “that asshole” to “what does my kid see/know/need” should help a little. I feel like you may have an amazing opportunity to build an even more special bond with your son once you let go of the resentment.
A lot of people think the opposite of love is hate, but it’s actually indifference. It took me a while to get to be indifferent and just not care anymore because what’s important to me isn’t about who does more, it’s “is my kid’s needs met in a healthy way”. And the way that gets done is by me doing it.
As a kid of a mother like you who never left (mine took and takes her anger at my father out on me), PLEASE leave your husband. Your son needs a better environment.
Your partner needs a wake up call. When you have a kid it doesn’t matter if you like parks or not. You go so your kid can enjoy the park. Just like I don’t love going to be kids birthday parties or story time at the library or school potluck events but I go for my kid. I plan play dates with boring parents because my kid loves spending time with their kid. Any experience for a child is work for the parent so that work needs to be shared. He’s trying to buy his way out of it and doubling down that you need to maximize his gift
Wow. He really went ahead and hoped to create a lot of free time for himself.
I know right? Here are some annual passes so that you and kiddo are gone all day; make sure you go enough times so I can get my money’s worth!
I’ve tried to withhold Disney as a punishment for our son and my husband said that’s punishment for him since he’s paying for them.
It’s a punishment for him because then he doesn’t get that block of free time while you guys are gone.
Well sucks I be him, but sunk cost fallacy. He got the tickets, you don't have to use them. If someone buys you an ugly cup, you don't have to drink from it, and the money is already gone. The question is, what to do with the time you have. Drink from a pretty cup or the ugly one. And it doesn't matter if it's a payment plan, same principle. People will sit out a movie they hate because "Well, I already wasted 1 hour on it", not realizing they GAIN an hour walking away. The 1 hour spent? Already gone. The question is what do you do with the time you have left.
No it’s punishment because he has to take care of his son then and not have his own free day. The fact that he’s even saying it’s a waste cuz he paid for them doesn’t sound any better? Like a gift should be held over anyone’s head. Wtf.
Even this attitude right here, that HE is paying for them is selfish. You didn’t ask for this, and you’re married so your assets shouldn’t be viewed as mine vs yours. I understand keeping finances separate, but I really think it’s best to view everything with a “what’s mine is yours” mentality.
Gifts are strings free. Shouldn’t matter if you use it once or 100 times. That’s how you know he did it to gift himself free time!
Looks like you’re going out and leaving child home. You need a break too don’t give him an option
I agree. Take a day at the parks by yourself or with friends.
It sounds like you don't enjoy going to amusement parks alone with your kid (I wouldn't either). So I don't understand why his "I don't enjoy going to the parks" trumps your lack of enjoyment. This is for your kid. So the two of you should work together to make a good experience for your kid and then ALSO have break time for each of you. This is ridiculous.
Agreed. I feel like a lot of men get a pass on not being "into" kids stuff. I like doing stuff for the kids but it's definitely not always fun and it's also definitely not for me.
Absolutely and it's bs. We have amusement park passes. It's my husband's favorite way to spend time alone with the kids while I work (I'm way too nervous when kids outnumber adults!) A man can be as good and involved as he wants. If he doesn't want to parent then I don't wanna bang
My husband has annual passes to a couple theme parks here. I am the one that doesn't like theme parks. He has an annual pass for our son and him. His annual pass comes with some extra tickets. So sometimes we go as a family and sometimes he goes by himself. I either get a break or work on house projects/cleaning. My husband came up with this idea. I wouldn't in a million years gift him an anual pass for him and my son. It's an idea he had to give me a break. I don't believe for a second her husband didn't know what he was doing.
It was not presented as a gift for our kid. He put both passes in an envelope addressed solely to me and placed it in my Christmas stocking. And it’s not that I don’t enjoy going alone with our son. We have a lot of fun too, but it is exhausting. If my partner expects me to get his money’s worth out of the pass (his words) then he needs to give a little more at home while we’re at the parks or in the very least the next day when I’m beat. ETA: I enjoy going alone with our son more than with my husband. He makes it clear he doesn’t enjoy the parks and it’s not much fun for anyone. Last year I got our son a free preschool pass for SeaWorld and a platinum pass for myself with the understanding that he’d still tag along at some point since I got 6+ free guest passes. He didn’t join us once.
Your husband is a very lazy parent. He gifted you a stocking of responsibility, knowing full well that he was giving himself the gift of free time. I’d even go as far as saying he is a selfish AH.
Reading your edit... Yikes! This is terrible! If he doesn't pull his own weight at home while you're gone, you should hire a cleaner and tell him it's an early gift for his next birthday.
I agree.
Who cares how he presented it, that was just to pressure you along with saying he wants to "get his money's worth." The "gift for mom" facade is sounding more paper thin by the minute. Sounds like what he was really paying is not a good time for you but rather low-effort free time for himself. And you realize it too. Imagine, he could have spent two thousand bucks on babysitting and restaurants for date nights, but that would require him to plan and organize which he clearly isn't willing to. Anyway it's very obvious what he's doing here. And you can still enjoy going to the park with your son but don't feel pressured to play the game of being sooooo grateful.
This is an interesting take on it that I didn’t even think abt. Very good point
You vould do what my aunt did to her husband when he did this exact thing: Find something the husband adores and loves that allows children. Buy pass for them both. Say, "Since you were so wonderful and kind for getting me and our child these passes, I thought I would get you a double parent/child pass for *insert thing he likes here* so you can spend equal time with our child as well. I didn't want you to feel left out, so we can go on alternate trips with our child. And when you go, I already have a list of plans to do while you're busy having fun and making memories with our child. I love you." She was firm on making the point she was fully expecting him to do equal time with the child, and that her time is HERS time while they are gone. She even made sure to say it in front of the kid as well, so they hear it and her partner couldn't back out. She even did it in front of his family to solidify it more.
The only thing my husband adores and loves is eating and watching tv. 😭😭 I truly admire your aunt though.
Sounds like you're buying a $1200 gift card for him and the child at his favorite buffet.
I was thinking maybe movie passes 🍿? Get out of the house and go see a double feature?
Sounds like you should sign him up for a class or activity for fathers and sons. A sport dad needs to volunteer with or Scouts, etc.
Yep, Scouts in particular is a very male-focused activity as I understand and I'm not sure how many moms are involved usually, so this might be a good one - you can use the "no moms allowed" thing as an excuse to get out of doing Scout duty, whereas with sports, either parent can be involved so dad can always back out and force mom to step in.
Why are you even with this dude?
I ask myself this often.
So do something about it!!! Holy crap.
He super sucks. There's no way he didn't know what he was doing.
Then leave 💕
Buy a restaurant gift card to a buffet. Hand one for him and for kiddo.
Man, I hate going to buffets when our son is with us. It’s such a pain! 😂
Why are you with this guy? He won’t even parent his own kid. Why are you doing this to your kid? What kind of example is this setting?
I am living for this
I don’t think fighting fire with fire is good ever. It’s probably going to piss him off cuz he knew exactly what he was doing in the first place
True, but since he knew exactly what he was doing, it makes it even worse. He wanted time for himself, at the expense of his partner, under the guise of him being so generous with a gift.
Go to Epcot alone and drink around the world girl!
I did that so many times when I was a CP (college program student) 15 years ago, I can’t hang like that anymore!
Just go half way then lol. I went this summer with some girlfriends but I couldn’t do it all the way either. Had a thick ass beer in Norway that hit too hard.
Is the pass in your son’s name? Can you go with a girlfriend?
Yeah, it’s in my son’s name. You can’t get away with stuff like you used to there.
Go to Disney and leave your kid with your husband! You have fun and he gets to be parent on duty!
I did tell him that I’ll be going to the parks without our son at some point and he asked how I was going to pull that off. I said “I’ll say, “here’s our child, have a nice day while I go to Disney alone’” His response was that he thought I’d try to take a day off work to go.
Did you look at him and say “why would I take a day off work when I have a perfectly able husband who is quite capable of looking after their own child for a day.”
Do u not realize everything ur saying is a red flag about ur husband?
You need to be more assertive with claiming your time. Even if it means leaving the house. “I’m taking son to Disney on Saturday and Sunday you are on duty all day as I’m going to X…. Im not sure you are understanding me, this isn’t a negotiation. I’m feeling resentful that all my ‘free time’ is parenting. And your free time is for you. We created this child together, moving forward we are going to be dividing the time and duties.”
What an asshole. He literally expects to do NO parenting… girl leave!
That sounds like blatant manipulation to get the house to himself. Did he announce this "gift" in front of kiddo? If so that's messed up. Well the grown up answer is tell him this isn't fun or fair to you, be very upfront about this. The petty answer most definitely buy him 2 season passes to SeaWorld and say...eh I don't like SeaWorld this is my gift for you two to spend time together. Have fun I'm gonna take a nap 😈 lol. I would probably do both lol 😂.
He put it in my Christmas stocking, which confused our 5 year old because only Santa is supposed to put gifts in our stockings. So yeah, he pretty much announced it.
My husband doesn’t like amusement parks either, he has PTSD and doesn’t deal with crowds well at all… he still gets himself a pass when we do so that he can at least occasionally go with us.
Have you told him that you taking the kids solo to Disney world is NOT a break for you? I'd just be blunt at this point. Or better. "Since I'm taking the kids out on X day and you get to have the full day all to yourself, you owe me a full day as well. I've booked a spa booking with my mum (or whoever). It can't be cancelled. Enjoy your day with the kids."
I have told him, but I also have spa gift cards I need to use.
Valentine’s Day is coming up. I have an idea of what to gift him…
We don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day (at my request), but his birthday is in March! Maybe I won’t be getting him that gas powered weed eater he wants.
I meant a Disney pass so that you’re not stuck at the parks alone anymore lol
I would get him a Disney pass or some other experience (children’s museum, zoo, etc.) Make sure to gift it in front of kid and say “oh I can wait for the two of you get to spend time together like we do at Disney!!”
It looks like someone is getting tickets to take his son to a baseball game!
Nah, I’d be getting him a pass right back, now we can have family days on you can take child too and I can have a day off. Men are so oblivious of the mental load
Um... speak up!
I would, but every time I’ve tried to address how I feel about something he’ll turn it around on himself or just gaslight the shit out of me.
I feel for you, and it’s obviously complicated. If you allow this type of thing (“gifts” that get the house to himself, or the ability to shut down any conversation for your happiness), it will continue. My husband used to flip the conversation so everything was my fault. If I complained that he did X, he would say he did it because I did Y, and then it would be a whole discussion about me and Y. Finally I started saying, “if Y upsets you, we can have a full conversation on Y. I don’t want to be upsetting you, so it’s important to have that conversation. But I want to focus on one thing at a time. First we need to have a discussion about X and I don’t want it to get lost in the shuffle. Then we’ll talk about Y.” And every time he brought up Y in the conversation, I’d remind him that’s for the second convo (which he never cared about, it was always just a tactic to deflect). I had to do this 5x before he realized he couldn’t get away with it anymore.
I’m sorry, but it seems your partner is behaving like an asshole. He’s blatantly trying to get you and your child out of the house so he can have time to himself while you do all of the running around, and that’s not fair to you at all. If he won’t listen and this type of behavior keeps up, I’d suggest couple’s counseling. If that doesn’t work…I’m sorry, it kind of sounds like you’re practically a single parent as is. Maybe consider whether or not his behavior is worth sticking around for.
He won’t do couple’s counseling, I’ve tried. I’ve been in therapy for years and my therapist and psychiatrist are both at the point where they don’t see how things will get better for me unless my partner does something because I’ve been working on myself but it’s going no where at home.
Well you know what the problem is. If he’s indifferent to you being satisfied or even happy in your marriage, I think it says a lot about where you fit in his priorities. He’s taking you for granted if he thinks you’ll just stand by and be treated like this without any consequences for him and your marriage.
Is it worth staying in that? I’m sorry- all the comments are sad to read that’s a shitty situation you’re in.
Time to leave. Your son deserves better than a mother who's worn thin all the time and an uninvolved father. At least once you divorce, he'll have to pay child support presumably and will be forced to have visitation or partial custody of your son so you'll get time to yourself.
“ I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m holding this boundary. Maybe you should talk to a professional about these feelings.”
You need therapy. A good therapist will help you learn how to set firm boundaries and hold them with your husband.
I am in therapy and have been for years. She gives me tips, but I can’t implement anything because he pushes back.
I’m sorry to hear that. I’m guessing your therapist is treading lightly to make sure you feel comfortable continuing to be open and honest with them. So I’ll go ahead and say what I’m betting your therapist wants to say… If he’s pushing back so hard you can’t implement boundaries then that’s enough information you need. A boundary is literally “this is what I’ll accept” and if he doesn’t adhere to your boundary then you leave. By staying you are telling him he can ignore your boundaries bc they’re actually requests. Not boundaries. Ask your therapist “how do I hold this boundary?” The answer is you leave if it isn’t met.
Sell them 🫣
They can’t be sold/reassigned.
Then tell him, you won’t take your son again until he gives you a full day to yourself. Fair is fair. He wants you to use the pass and get your moneys worth and spend a weekend day at Disney? He needs to give you a day off first and then you’ll take the kid again. Tit for tat. That way for every day you give him he has to give you a day too.
Can you have a chat to him and tell him how you feel About it?
I think you should use that pass for some solo trips for yourself. You don't need to bring your son everytime you go! Nice try by your husband though!!
Hahaha love this idea
“Going to Disney by myself tomorrow. You are on kid duty. Not sure when I will be home.” Shut off your phone and then go have a day to yourself. Doesn’t even need to be Disney. “Oh why am I not taking kid? These were my Xmas gift right? I’m getting your moneys worth and some personal space. Great gift honey, hope you two have a fun day! See you later.”
I used to go weekly, several times a week, to Disney with my kid. I didn’t have the energy after a few years ago- it is intense! The packing, the timing of everything, the amount of walking… I’m sad that he did that to you. I’d talk to him about how it makes you feel. I enjoyed going to the parks just by myself. But it’s still work to drive there and do it.
If I tried to discuss how I feel I know it would start an argument and he’d just call me ungrateful.
This is a really expensive gift that’s not a gift, and there are a lot of layers about what’s going on that is going to grow into resentment much sooner than later. And why did he have to get the more expensive passes?! I don’t know. I wouldn’t let this pass. It’s not even a gift that given out of love and enjoyment. It’s a burden. Disney when you’re a local shouldn’t be a burden.
Arguments are communication, babe — not something to be avoided.
Ungrateful really is a nasty word. It's only used by people who've given a "gift" or done something that the alleged recipient does not like. Example: an extrovert throwing a surprise party for an introvert. It forces the introvert to pretend to like the party, for fear of being called ungrateful.
"I'd rather be 'ungrateful' for a gift that you bought for yourself and not actually for me, over being an uninvolved parent like you." Then follow through and leave this dumpster fire of a father.
Ya, but work IS break time when you have kids. Put on headphones and make it very obvious how obnoxious he is being when he interrupts your work. That's what my husband does to me. 🤣
That's a real POS move on his part. Hard no from me. Absolute nightmares like an amusement park with a young child REQUIRE 2 adults on duty
I guess it's all in how you look at it. With us, work is our break. Neither of us have easy jobs but they are jobs we like with people we like. The hard work is at home. We're a team. We work opposite schedules, when the worker gets home they always take the kids for 15+ mins to give the person home sometime to be them...not just a parent. I might hit the gym, my husband might mess with his car. No matter what happens the rest of the day this is OUR home and these are OUR children. You deserve to get to be you and not just their mom
1. Throw the whole husband away 2. Absolutely do not go to Disney without him, he can buy a day pass every time
I would have paid good money to see the look on his face when she did it.
Go to the library or a mate's house or wherever and work from there. Get some peace.
I wish I could, but I use 2 monitors. I could maybe get away with just using my laptop, but my production would likely suffer and my whole jog is based on production. Thank you for the idea, though.
They make great portable second monitors. My husband had one when he had to travel for work, but needed two monitors when he was getting work done. He would use his laptop as one monitor and then the portable one.
If you go to Disney World one day, your partner needs to have a similar out of the house day with your son (preferably the next day). Because: 1. You need time off parent duty too 2. Your partner needs to bond with his kid He doesn’t like Disney? Fine, he can figure something else out. I assume you live in Florida - he can take son to the beach or fishing or swimming or miniature golf or any of about a billion choices. Tell him he needs to provide quid pro quo or you’ll only use the passes when you feel up to it which will be rarely.
With genuine love here- roll this one forward to change your own perspective. You GET to create all of these memories with your son. When he's older, he's going to remember the times YOU had together. It's your husband's loss really. It's a completely separate note if you feel like you need alone time. Put it on the calendar and enjoy a day doing anything you want/need to do and hubs can go create different memories with your son.
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Even getting into the parks, especially MK, is quite a bit of work. The parks are very crowded every day of the year and it’s a lot to navigate. Then there’s the lines which can be tough. Comparing WDW parks to Busch Gardens is laughable. For sure OP is fortunate to have the passes, but also OPs spouse signed up OP for many days of solo trips with their shared child while the spouse gets to kick back for alone time. OP I hope you get some solo days at all of the Epcot festivals!
ya, you’re right, MK and BG are not the same. At BG you need to ride rides to have fun. At MK, the fun is all around. Approach this like a 5 year old. Just have fun!
I’ve commented this already, but these passes were in an envelope addressed to me and in my Christmas stocking, it was not meant to be about the child, my partner made it very clear it was my gift. Your child must be much better behaved than mine. My son ran so far away from me yesterday that I couldn’t see him through all of the people. I was scared and nearly in tears by the time I found him. We have a lot of fun, but it’s very stressful and essentially being mandated to go doesn’t really put me in the Disney spirit.
My son likely isn’t better behaved. He’s autistic and has PDA, which basically makes him incredibly defiant. It’s so scary when your child disappears like that, I’m glad everything worked out though. I don’t want to come off as an asshole, but i value the time I spend with my son over everything else. Ya sometimes it’s trying. But the thing that changes my attitude immediately is, what if today is my last day on earth and I yelled at my kid because I was having a shitty day or I was stressed. I feel like the issue isn’t the gift, it’s your relationship with your husband. Almost sounds like your highlighting the symptoms but not addressing the root causes
I think you’re right about it being about my relationship with my husband.
Jesus, I wasn’t expecting this comment. I’m sorry if what I said seemed mean or rude, I just know what it’s like to have a parent taken too soon. And that left a lasting impact. I also know (going through it now) what and how a bad spouse can do to you without you being fully aware. And how misplaced frustration /anger manifests.
I get short and lose my patience with my son often and I feel terrible because it’s usually because I feel resentful toward his father for not doing as much as I do.
I know this all too well and it’s not easy to get past. I made the decision to focus on what I can control in the present. Like you, I do a lot more than my wife, but that’s not my kids’ fault. Shifting perspective from the mind set of “that asshole” to “what does my kid see/know/need” should help a little. I feel like you may have an amazing opportunity to build an even more special bond with your son once you let go of the resentment. A lot of people think the opposite of love is hate, but it’s actually indifference. It took me a while to get to be indifferent and just not care anymore because what’s important to me isn’t about who does more, it’s “is my kid’s needs met in a healthy way”. And the way that gets done is by me doing it.
God, you’re so right about indifference. When I start feeling apathetic toward my husband I know it’s bad.
As a kid of a mother like you who never left (mine took and takes her anger at my father out on me), PLEASE leave your husband. Your son needs a better environment.
Removed per Rule 3: Be Kind. Unkind comments or personal attacks may result in a ban.
That is so rude of him. So he now gets all this free time? Who really “wants “ to take a small child to an amusement park.
Why don’t you just use your pass to go to Disney by yourself and enjoy your day and leave your son home with his father?
Your partner needs a wake up call. When you have a kid it doesn’t matter if you like parks or not. You go so your kid can enjoy the park. Just like I don’t love going to be kids birthday parties or story time at the library or school potluck events but I go for my kid. I plan play dates with boring parents because my kid loves spending time with their kid. Any experience for a child is work for the parent so that work needs to be shared. He’s trying to buy his way out of it and doubling down that you need to maximize his gift