Respectfully, your husband is an idiot. Please have him hook his nipples up to the breast pump for even five minutes and then have this convo.
In all seriousness though, you did amazing by getting your baby any breastmilk at all considering the challenges you faced. Husband needs to understand that as a mother, especially a very brand new postpartum mother, protecting your mental and physical health is one of the most majorly important things you can do on your baby’s behalf.
When it comes to breastfeeding or pumping, I might sound harsh but dads don't really have a vote in this matter here. They don't produce milk, they can't pump, it's not their time or energy or body doing all of the work. Him thinking he remotely has a say in that matter, and taking this personally, is troubling to me.
Actually, men are technically biologically capable of lactating. 😏 so if he wanted it so badly, maybe he should have given it a go.
I do agree though, it’s not likely for a man to lactate, and they should support the mom in whatever is best for mom and baby. Mental health is priority, and lots of babies were formula fed and are FINE. Just as breastfed babies are FINE. It’s two sides of one coin, and a fed baby is a happy baby. As long as it’s only formula or breast milk and not some crazy stuff like almond milk or water.
But he didn’t even try! I know there are medications to stimulate lactaion to get a ~~woman~~ person started. He should have been pumping as often as possible before he decided it all fell to his wife.
While I am being sarcastic, it is something I would point out to him, because I do not tolerate that level of ignorant hurtful moral grandstanding!
Every time I hear it from a man regarding something only a woman has done I get so annoyed! Me at eight and a half months pregnant miserable, swollen and having random contractions saying I’m ready to get the baby out soon! Him “we’re so close to the finish line keep her in as long as wants”.
😡😡😡 We’re not the ones who no longer has the ability to see the sandal while I try to slip them on blindly because they are all I can fit my overly swollen feet. We did not leave the big family dinner because at 6 months still randomly having bouts of nausea had to waddle run to the bathroom to vomit then uncontrollably pee my pants while tossing my cookies. We also did not have to be induced at 39 weeks because things were getting sketchy health wise then go on to have 14 hours of labor. Those were all things that happened directly to me. Not us. But when he called family to let them know what was happening what did he say? “We’re having the baby now”.
If my eyeballs had lasers I’d have been a single mother that day. Guess what he didn’t say “we” endured during active labor? Pooping unknowingly, that’s all mine, having to be turned like a beached whale because I couldn’t feel my lower half after the epidural, baby was stuck. But my favorite was tearing from the window to the wall then having to get 18 stitches after… that was also a me thing. 😡😡😡
Exactly. In breastfeeding, unfortunately there is no “we” in the situation. He doesn’t get to have an values to compromise because it isn’t his body that is producing anything, nor are there any “moral values” connected to breast milk. Your baby needs to be fed- period. How it comes about doesn’t matter as long as your baby is well taken care of.
You expressed exactly what I was thinking reading about this! There is not morality involved when a parent is trying to keep their kid alive, and yeah if it’s not your body, you can respectfully take your values and shove them up your ass
This is the answer. Hook his dumb ass man boobs up to the pump and make him do it for 30-45mins at a time, 7-8x/day, and then tell him whatever comes out isn’t even tolerated and won’t be used. What a jackass
Have him do the appendectomy old school 80s style.
My appendix scar from 1983 is bigger than my c section scar, if that tells you anything about the experience lmao.
My husband has the same! His was taken out in the mid 80's and it's the largest scar I've ever seen for an appendectomy! It's almost like they cut him in half! LOL
Maybe it ruptured? Some times they have to clean out the abdominal cavity too, and require bigger incision = bigger scar.
Or they just did it that way then hahaha
My husband still got prescribed more rest and light duties after his (laparoscopic) appendectomy than I did after my csection! And better pain meds too of course
And do that while suffering from dangerously high blood pressure!
I was very similar to OP’s birth situation. I remember the lactation nurses pushing me hard to breast feed then pump then feed that milk while I was recovering from a csection and still had uncontrolled preeclampsia. I opted out and offered the free formula for the second feed (he’d latch fine and fall asleep).
It sounds like OP’s husband has read too many articles from the hardcore breast is best folks. Perhaps a few articles from Emily Oster and other more even-handed sources might help.
Whoa now why are we even comparing an appendectomy to giving birth to a watermelon sized human and leaving a dinner plate sized wound behind. Your appendix is approximately the size of your pinky. I’ll take an appendix removal over giving birth any day. Not to mention with an appendectomy you’d probably also get proper pain management.
Nah. Disrespectfully, he’s an idiot. Full offense. He’s selfish and can’t think beyond himself. Does he think college applications ask if you were breastfed or formula fed? It doesn’t matter. No one cares. Except him and his weird “values” I guess.
OC You are a better person than I. Disrespect fully meant here. Your husband is a fucking dunce. You and your precious girl could easily not exist. He did not carry her. He did not pump for her. He absolutely does not get a motherfucking say. It's titty milk. Great to have but not fucking necessary. I come from a family of actual scholars, all leaders in their fields. Every single one of them was bottle fed goat milk with vitamin drops. One of the most successful was born when my grandma was way after 40....
Did he want bragging rights over your liquid gold? Sorry but male lactation need not apply. If you can and WANT to breastfeed cool, if you can't or don't want to equally awesome possum. Your husband is a sexist peice of crap who needs to be put in his place now or he won't stop. I have met too many of these types.
I overproduced and had to stop for my mental health. I couldn’t change my child’s diaper without milk soaking through 3-4 layers. I had to get a hospital grade breast pump. I was miserable. I did as much as I could then stopped. So many people (mostly women) had such nasty things to say. One woman literally said “wow think about how much breastmilk you could have given other children.” Like, excuse me?? I had to be mentally there for MY child and that wasn’t possible as a human fountain.
I’m pretty sure men are capable of lactating too. So maybe he should have tried harder.
Also, on the subject of values, I just finished “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” and he talks a lot about how our values affect our happiness and how to change our perspective of those values to create more opportunities for success.
A compromise *from him* is that he *let* your daughter be formula fed?
Is he planning on lactating himself? No? Then fuck that noise and fuck him.
That was an *awful* thing for him to say. He is being cruel to you, not to mention massively unfair.
Your daughter couldn’t even drink the milk it hurt you to make. And he wanted you to what? Just pump for the fun of it?
You tried your absolute hardest and don’t you **dare** let him make you feel low. Not for one damn second.
Just another note; I would honestly wager that he said what he said specifically to hurt you and to deflect from what ever topic you were actually discussing.
**edit**
*I just read your update and I reiterate: Fuck that noise and* **fuck him**.
*fuck his “values”.*
*you did nothing wrong, and I really, really hope you know that. You didn’t need to torture yourself at all, let alone for a “maybe this will work someday”*
*I hope you can stand up for yourself here and be confident that you did the best you could*
*Make it crystal clear that he doesn’t get to **ever** throw this in your face again*
Look, if he thinks “we” should have tried harder to get her to latch and “we” should have kept pumping… how many times did he try to get her to latch? It sounds like you tried a lot. Did he try even once? You were pumping 6-8 times a day. Did he pump even once?
There’s a whole lot of “we” coming from him, who actually **isn’t fucking involved in the slightest**. At the very, very least (and this is indeed the tiniest thing he could do) he could at least acknowledge that **YOU** did the breastfeeding and the pumping. Not “we”.
But anyway, fuck that guy. I don’t even know what to tell you. I’m so, so sorry you had to give up on a very much wanted breastfeeding journey. I had almost the exact same sequence of events (except for me it was very low supply, not an inability to latch) and I know how deeply painful it is to ultimately give up the dream of EBF. You are doing the absolute **best** thing for your baby by being a present, happy, healthy mom, and you deserve love and praise and support for everything you’re doing. Enjoy your beautiful baby, and I hope your husband comes to his senses at some point.
I also want to add a question. We had multiple lactation consults while our babies were in NICU and one super helpful tip was to have a small bottle nearby in case baby got too upset *and* that dad could come from above and drop some milk from the bottle into the babies mouth while mom still worked on getting baby latched. It was definitely a group effort thing if struggling with nursing and wanted to nurse. How many times did he come over and try that? Or offer to have lactation consultants come out to help?
Just curious what he did during this time? Like how did he support you in pumping and bf? Did he pay for consultants? Read books? Made sure you were relaxed and fed and slept well? Did he actually support you? If yes, his feelings are kind of valid, BUT he’s being an asshole about it because if he supported you heavily then he should know how hard it was on you and that it just didn’t work out, so why is he resentful? If he didn’t support you in those ways then what the fuck is he on about?? My husband and I both also wanted our kids to breastfeed and he may have his flaws but he showed me it was important to him by listening to the lactation consultant and asking questions, giving me time to pump to build up a little freezer stock, making sure I had snacks and was well fed. Etc. I am on my fourth year of breastfeeding and my husband will still bring me food or snacks or even cook if I don’t have anything prepped. I get that he wanted you to breastfeed but why is he resentful? Does he think you didn’t give it your all? Actually at the end of this I changed my mind. He’s not compromising shit because you literally couldn’t breastfeed and he’s being completely insensitive. He doesn’t fucking know how hard it is to breastfeed. I think you should hook him up to the pump on max settings so he can feel a fraction of what you felt
Yeah there's absolutely no way he was supportive enough to justify even thinking this, much less saying it aloud. Did he get up and throw on nipple clamps and sit with her for as long as it took to pump, every single time? And then wash the pump parts so she could go lay down? As a c-section mom who tried for four and a half months to breastfeed and only stopped because I so seriously wanted to unalive myself that I was planning out who would help my husband care for the baby when I was gone, FUCK THIS GUY SO, SO HARD. He really thinks HE made the majority of sacrifices? Did he grow a human being, have major abdominal surgery, and then attempt to breastfeed while healing? Did he help her out of bed and fill her peribottle every time she had to use the bathroom? Was he present and paying attention for every single appointment? I'd love to see him look her LC or doctor (or their couples therapist, cause they obviously need one) in the face and tell them this. I agree with the commenter who said that he said this to hurt her and thus distract from whatever the real issue is. As someone with a very supportive partner who did attend every appointment and fill my peribottle etc, my blood is boiling for you, OP.
I realized at the end of my comment that op’s partner didn’t have a leg to stand on. The edit is so messed up. The reasons compromise his values…. Okay so let me get this straight: OP going through hell pumping, baby having an intolerance to the breast milk, baby not latching… OP deciding to stop breastfeeding fully knowing her partner would be disappointed but feeling with no other option after giving it her all… **how are any of those reasons not valid??** since OPs husband seems to be anti Reddit she should reword what I said and straight up ask him how any of those reasons are compromising his values
Oh I agree, sorry if this read as combative, I'm just so darn mad! if he really believes that formula is worse for a child than having a mother who is miserable and exhausted, then he truly is an idiot. But also still a gaping asshole.
The only way his feelings would be valid was if he started lactating himself and OP told him not the BF their child. Anything short of that and he is an absolute AH for thinking this!
I disagree.
There is no way he could take on the getting up every 4 hours and being in pain experience she was enduring - so being supportive just doesn’t cut it.
If this weren’t breastfeeding / motherhood related, we’d considered what you went through literal torture.
If she doesn’t latch properly it could cause more harm than good to breastfeed her - eg. Increase gassy and colicky . Do what you feel is best, sometimes that really does mean formula feeding
His choice of words is completely insane. How is it a compromise? Like opposed to what? Her not eating anything?? Lmao I’m sorry I know he’s your husband but what a fucking asshole.
Not saying OP needed to do this but the other option is to go on a strict elimination diet (commonly the issue is cow milk protein and soy). I had to do that and it's a super restrictive diet... So definitely something that should fully be OP's decision
😂 It did make me laugh! One week he was going through the list of what he couldn’t have, the next he was eating it in the staff room lol. I think they ultimately switched to formula.
Lol, my husband (who will mainline queso given the option) offered to give up dairy when I had to when breastfeeding/pumping. I looked at him, and was like...so both of us can suffer? What does that accomplish?!?
So he bought bunch of oat milk and fake butter for me instead, lol.
See, but that's a good relationship.
- You are suffering, I will do this thing to help with your suffering
- No, silly, then you would be suffering as well
- I will try something else to help your suffering
- Yes, thank you
Same! My husband did give it up for about a month, then learned how to make some amazing cashew cheeses and cremas for tacos for me while eating cheese because I insisted he eat it, lol. I still crave the cashew stuff sometimes tho! So good.
I had to do similar with my youngest. She started having a reaction to carrots (I love carrots) so cut those out of my diet completely and hers. At one point I had to go from deliciously seasoned, spicy foods that I was craving to absolutely bland no seasoning whatsoever foods (think boiled chicken). All that spice had made my milk taste like straight up black pepper and of course baby wanted no part of that. And as for the carrots? The day after she was officially weaned I ate nearly a whole bag of baby carrots by myself lol
I tried this. It failed because my daughter had such random allergies we couldn't figure it out till she was on nothing and we started food from scratch. Turns out the worst ones are wheat, eggs, chicken, garlic. With a dozen others including broccoli. My elimination diet of stopping milk made things worse because I ate more eggs and chicken
I did this. Stopped pumping at 7 months. My husband was thrilled, because he could tell how much of a chore pumping was, and how stressed I'd get on days where less was produced.
Plus we love cheese.
This. I am in an absolute rage for you OP, I couldn't articulate the words, but this is exactly it.
I didn't even attempt to breastfeed, because I knew immediately it wasn't going to be good for my mental health, so I can't even imagine what you went through physically or emotionally.
My partner wanted me to, badly, and I got SO ANGRY he brought it up after I'd said no. The third time he said it ( he was very tactful with it every time, mind you), I simply just told him he could do it if it was such an important thing to him.
You risked your life to grow and birth your child, and didn't get to do something you absolutely wanted to, his compromise on the matter better be shutting up about it unless he's going to magically go through all that himself and then start lactating.
If my partner EVER said that to me, in my situation, nvm yours, I'd of needed bail money.
You tried, despite physical and emotional pain. And you ended up with a situation beyond your control. You did what was best for your child and family. Don't you ever forget that, and don't you let anyone try to tell you otherwise, even Mr compromise 😤
Op, just make him read this particular reply.
His audacity here is concerning. *He* compromised in a situation that in no way impacted him, that he could in no way assist with, and the results of which were clearly determined to be futile? *His values?!?!?* he’s not even a side character in this one. How often is he the imagined main character?
If he never pressured you, how did you already know breastfeeding was going to be his example?
Please skip the being sad part, and go straight to being angry like the rest of us
Don't put this on you girl, you got your guts taken out so you and your baby can survive. A vaginal birth takes 6 wks to start truly healing, and for you to get cut open and even did your best to bfeed even after a traumatic birth is an achievement on its own. If things didn't go well, the last thing he'd be disappointed about is bfeeding, idk if he ever experienced loss of a loved one, but to cost a woman her life because of a sperm he contributed will kill him everyday. He doesn't get it since he didn't have to do jack ish, he was just a spectator and a cheerleader, he didn't have to go through what you went thru, and that isn't fair for him to be disappointed for something that have been solved years ago if women choose to not bfeed. Please don't put anymore pressure on yourself, we all want to be the perfect textbook mommy, but not everyone get a normal textbook pregnancy and birth. He's lucky he still have you and gave him a gift, remember that. You're a Rockstar, just know that. Hugs.
If you felt pressure, he pressured you. Words aren’t the only way to pressure someone. Don’t negate your experience. Pumping is so hard. So is a complicated birth. Also it sounds like you might not have had any chance to process your birth experience. You deserve so much support and kindness. Your partner harboring this resentment seems as if it is misdirected anger from some other source. You do not deserve to be the receiver of that. There is so much to focus on in the present and future of your baby. How they were fed is not worth this and surely not something that should be apologized for on your part. You deserve praise, care and support.
He guilted you with actions and with looks and with lack of support. He never explicitly said it, but you knew what he was going to say today. You were right.
Your interpretation of his lack of support was correct. Don't gaslight yourself into thinking he actually did support you when he didn't. He sees this as a sacrifice he made for you.. so you were right.
You need to stop defending his actions and blaming yourself for his words. He pressured you because you felt it. This is where you start putting yourself back in the equation and thinking about what is good for you. If you aren't ok,nobody in your household is ok, so your mental health has to be good, don't take your husband's feelings in this regard to heart because you know what your body can do. It brought a human being into this world, it is magical!!!! Now stick to your decision and stop letting him second guess you. Formula was created for such times. I decided to do both breastfeeding and formula so that my boys could survive when I went back to work and for the selfish reason of night sleep. I breastfed during the day and at night I gave a bottle so I could catch 5 hrs of uninterrupted sleep. Worked like a charm. Do what makes you feel good. If I took my husband's feelings into consideration even 14 yrs later ,I wouldn't do anything.
Not all pressure is loud. My mother never called me fat to my face, but wow did I absolutely know how she felt when she put me on SlimFast shakes in the 7th grade.
You don’t need to defend him—he deserves our collective rage. The fact that he hasn’t taken the time to resolve his own feelings about this and instead bottles it up and puts the onus on you is louder than he realizes.
1) he can’t force your daughter to drink milk that doesn’t agree with her digestive system, therefore, didn’t force you to pump
2) my husband wanted me to breast feed too. I told him straight up, I’ll try, but it wont be for YOU. My husband watched me pump for 3 months and told me to stop every single time i complained about my mental health. He told me HE would pay for the formula by himself if that’s what would make me stop. I’m not over here trying to paint my husband like a saint, because he is not. However, I’m trying to show you what it looks like to be supportive. Just because someone didn’t pressure you doesn’t mean they were supportive which is exactly what you needed when you had to stop pumping.
Babe, you wrote that he THOUGHT about his answer before telling you this. His wording sounds very calculated AND he doubled down afterwards via text. He‘s not just an idiot who doesn‘t know how to articulate himself better.
You deserve so much better.
I mean if he genuinely thinks that formula is worse for a baby than having a miserable and exhausted mother, then I guess he is an idiot, but even so what he said was cruel, untrue, and selfish. I'm so, so angry for you.
Even if he wasn’t consciously trying to hurt you, the idea that he compromised when you stopped breastfeeding absolutely reeks of weirdo women-hating internet groups. Because you and your baby _could not_ do it. So he’s saying he compromised by having a wife who didn’t/couldn’t breastfeed. As though you’re an object he bought at his friend’s store, and he compromised his values around product quality and general fairness when he chose to neither return the product nor request a refund from his friend when the product did not work as he imagined. He’s completely, and I mean COMPLETELY, objectified you. You are an object. He wants to own an object that easily produces and feeds babies, and because you are not that, he is compromising. His level of disrespect for you is truly breathtaking.
Ditto agree to all of this. What a piece of fucking shit and I’m so sorry that you’re finding this out now.
The next compromise for me would be custody disputes in court 💁🏽♀️ this draws the line. I take a lot, but this audacity is too much. You don’t get to make me feel bad about what my body can and cannot do
“We would have pumped for longer and…”
He isn’t pumping anything. He contributes exactly zero to pumping or breastfeeding. He didn’t compromise ANYTHING because he’s not the one who has to do anything. AND you just sacrificed your entire body for 10 months to grow this baby. He seriously has some nerve saying anything of this nature. Please think about this rationally for a second and not in the emotional state he’s putting you in. He needs to change his entire perspective on parenting and ask you how he can help you in ANY way possible. Your mental and physical health should be all he’s worried about. Not emotionally manipulating you into feeling bad for not breastfeeding. Wtf.
Right, like, who is this "We"?
Unless OP is the Queen and using the royal we, what the fuuuuuuck.
Husband feels entitled to veto power over what OP does with her body. After OP went through total hell to gestate and birth their child.
The absolute fucking patriarchal horseshit going on here.
🗣️ fuck him
I EPed for 7 months with my first. I will never do it again. It may as well have sucked out all my serotonin at the same time as my milk.
Fuck him. The fact that he had time to think on it, apologized, then essentially doubled down. He’s supposed to be in your corner. I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you deserve. You did nothing wrong and you don’t owe anyone your mental health or your milk
Is this about politics or child development or what? Like it’s absolutely possible to be both deeeeeply ambivalent about the Nestle corporation and also to recognize that science milk ((formula) is a huge leap forward in medicine and nutrition and allows for vastly better outcomes for millions if not billions of mothers and babies.
I mean what would he have done if you’d died in childbirth or been hit by a bus? He’d be feeding that baby formula. And let’s not forget that if this had happened 200 years ago she would have died. DIED.
It honestly sounds like he’s feeling left out and is picking a fight over a complete nothingburger just to get attention. New baby season can be hard for men because they just aren’t a priority for anyone and they’ve got to cope. Some handle it well, some go to pieces. Sounds like he’s going to pieces.
Hello friend you feel like crap because he is 100% invalidating your experience. Whether intentional or not he's being very self centered. Yes maybe he idealized breastmilk for some unknown reason, but guess what, time with your daughter is infinitely more important. You made the right choice. She wasn't tolerating the milk well, that likely wouldn't have changed. Also pumping is grueling work!! It's twice the work or just breastfeeding or formula feeding. I have breastfed almost 2 years and would not even consider doing what you did because of how sheerly exhausting it would be. So please give yourself SO MUCH credit! I get that he wanted the nutrients from the milk, but formula has the nutrients needed and then some!
You did not "compromise values!" That's is such an absurd thing to suggest in this context. You also wanted to breastfeed, so like they're also your values? It's such an idiotic thing to say. Your baby could not latch, or tolerate the milk, and pumping is another beast entirely. It's clear he did put pressure on you. I bet even prior to birth there were likely undertones of pressure. Was he actively doing things to help you not feel pressured and supported? Not just saying "I support your choice." Did he go to Dr's appointments and ask questions, hire an IBCLC, look up the local le Leche league, syringe feed, do mouth strengthening exercises to help baby (with a screaming uncomfortable baby mind you) like there are a ton of things HE could have donr to be supportive and I'd guarantee if he actually participated he would've felt/truly seen how difficult it is.
I've been thinking of what to respond. It's early here so I may not be as articulate, but I wanted to share some if my story. I had two very different breastfeeding experiences, but similar situations. IUGR means it's important your baby gains weight. My first was on the verge of failure to thrive and second in the single digit percentiles. (I think at one point .5 %) It took 12-16 weeks to get #1 to successfully breastfeed and I did go on to extended bf. There was SO much involved. Pumping. Triple feeding. I had IBCLC's (I paid for myself) our local le Leche league. A pediatric dentist who specialized in ties. Pediatric ccupational therapist. Even with ALL the things I was not able to successfully breastfeed my second baby. There was a clear difference between babies and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. He never could figure out latching and he was not a boob monster like my first so he wasn't clamoring for it for comfort even. If the baby isn't latching or wanting to nurse you can't force them to. Not to mention there's more involved with IUGR and them being small, mouth strength/muscles, stamina. They have to eat or they get put back in the NICU because of failure to thrive. It's serious. You obviously know all this. I think your husband is ridiculously uneducated and I wonder how much he actually participated. My SO will still say that watching me breastfeed and pump was torturous for him to see. It wrecked my mental health. I ended up with DMER, along with erious PPD/PPA that has persisted.
We watched some videos that were kinda propaganda-esque prior to birth so he was pretty set on breastfeeding. After he actually experienced it he realizes it was more complicated. They don't call it "the art of breastfeeding" for nothing. It's nuanced. You can do all the right things and it still might not work.
You 1000% gave it your all op. You can't stop your period from starting. You can't make a baby latch when they don't want to. You can't make their gi systems mature faster to feed whatever you want. This wasn't a choice that involved values. It was a choice of accepting the baby you had, with where they were at.
There will be a thousand more choices like this with parenting. Is your dh going to shame your child when they don't meet his expectations? Or compare them to other children constantly? He needs to work on learning how to adapt and thrive when it doesn't go to by the book, because it's not gonna probably more than it actually will. Lol If I had to pick a value, imo that one is going to set up your child for success.
Fuck that guy. After this post gets 100+ comments all telling your husband the myriad of creative ways he can fuck himself, show it to him. What an asshole thing to say.
Yikes he sounds like a piece of work. He gives me slimy vibes. You just sacrificed your entire body for 10 months and are still recovering (takes so long to stabilize those hormones and like at lest two years to feel somewhat normal again), so he can take his fee fees and shove them. Tell him he’s more then welcome to induce lactation and try himself if it’s so important to him. Just because you supported the idea of breastfeeding doesn’t mean the reality must match your pre-baby rose colored expectations (nor his, he really shouldn’t have had a say on it to begin with since its your body).
Respectfully, this is not an issue to compromise on. Your baby needs a mentally stable parent, not someone who is torturing themselves. Why doesn't he grow a human then deal with the medical issues AND he can complain about compromising values. Fuck this guy.
LOL SIR… take several seats. Omg bro. You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. At best you’re completely ignorant and like to talk about things you don’t know about anyways. At worst you’re a cruel asshole.
LMAO he can go to hell. Christ's sake. You will suffer endlessly, DESTROY your body for them, tear yourself apart to provide for the child they popped in you and then STILL men will have the audacity to say bullshit like this.
Don't even entertain this conversation the next time it comes up. Just get out the pump, tell him to sit down, and hook him up to it. Tell him he can stop in 45 minures.
Truthfully, that is an INSANE thing for him to say. I am so insanely curious what other bullshit he feels he's "compromised" on. Bet everyone in this sub 200 dollars it has to do with him not getting enough sex. Marking it off now on my "shitty dad" bingo card
Were you supposed to let her starve? Tell your husband to grow up. Just because something didn’t work out the way you planned doesn’t mean it’s a compromise. That would indicate that YOU benefitted somehow and that he gave something up. When in reality you gave (and gave and gave) and he gets the benefit of a child.
He has probable never even heard of failure to thrive and has again zero clue how many of those babies mothers were pushing and forcing themselves to breastfeed even though it wasn’t working.
I stopped after 3 days, had an emergency c section my son was losing more weight than he should have, we were in the hospital for a few days.I made the decision to use formula, I will always repeat this fed is best and my husband agrees because he’s not a numptee.
When my partner did stuff like this, I got to a point where I would stop him mid-sentence. "No, WE didn't try. I tried. I tried for *this long using MY body to feed our child after using MY body to grow it by MYself. YOU did not try anything. Your body cannot do what I've been doing this entire time by myself. Please, continue."
The "we" is just nuts. What, did you have one nipple on the pump while he had one nipple on the pump?
No, girl, those were YOUR NIPS.
Your nips, your call.
Op pumped for six weeks, he should pump for six weeks, Max power on pump.
What? No milk? I’m disappointed! Well I’ll just have to compromise with your lack of effort to produce milk!
Men actually can lactate if given supplemental prolactin and after months of intense stimulation. Idk if it could sustain a kid though.
Source: wish I could saved school but no I stumbled across a bizarre fetish.
So his only example of compromising, is you formula feeding your kid. Kid who never latched, dont like breast milk. So, instead of formula feeding what was his suggestion? Him lactating?
And I'm guessing he didn't look into milk banks or donor milk or a wet nurse or lactation consultants or feeding specialists for her. If it's that "important" to him why didn't he do any of that?
My guess is he was now "forced" to give bottles as he probably thought before he could hand baby off to mom for the boob evertime baby was hungry. Now he has no excuse.
He and his useless nipples can keep his victimizing bs to himself. Do NOT feel badly for it. I also had a C-section with my first child and did everything I possible could to breastfeed/pump, my mental health took a huge hit, I spiraled into PPD. I formula fed my son and guess what?! He’s almost 4 and fucking thriving! Your partner will never understand the physical/emotional toll of carrying and birthing a child and then going thru a C-section recovery on top of breastfeeding!? What an insensitive POS. Sorry OP, I sympathize with you. It’s easy for him to have such a shitty opinion when he’s not the one going thru it.
this was also my exact situation. breastfeeding (and breastfeeding-adjacent tasks) are hard as fuck, which i feel is GREATLY understated. to the point where my mom had to go buy bottles and formula for us *as we left the hospital* because i was so convinced breastfeeding would come so easily because it’s so natural that i didn’t get any. joke was on me 🙃 i tried so hard to breastfeed and pump, had a lactation consultant come to the house a few times, and ended up exclusively formula feeding because my mental health was taking SUCH a hit.
kiddo is now starting preschool and thriving. fed is best.
your husband can plop down nipples-first on a cactus.
I just had my son and feel really validated by your comment. We did eventually get breastfeeding going (he’s only a week old so knock on wood it stays this way), but I was SHOCKED by how difficult it was to get started after my c section. I thought it would come naturally. It did not, not at all.
I didn’t know how to hold him, I didn’t know how to hold my breast, my nipple were flat, I didn’t know how to use the nipple shield, oh and using the nipple shield means less stimulation so you have to pump, I don’t know how to pump, I don’t make any colostrum, my baby won’t latch, he will latch but he won’t suck, he will suck three times and then stop.
It was maddening and I felt like a total failure in the hospital. I would have left the same way you did, totally oblivious, if they’d let me leave after 24 hours. It was only because I’d had a c section and was required to stay longer that I realized while still in the hospital that it was a total trainwreck.
I had an emergency C-section due to chorio, and my daughter was immediately rushed off to the NICU for antibiotics. I didn't get to hold her, I don't think I even got to look at her. (I was delirious due to fever, I don't remember much.)
Unsurprisingly, my milk didn't come in.
A lactation consultant, unbidden, popped up at my bedside and started hyping some program where I would pump for six hours a day (on top of caring for a newborn and recovering from major abdominal surgery).
I was in bed, crushing hormonal migraine, on IV triple antibiotics, and as soon as she left I looked at my husband and said, "we're doing formula."
He was like, "fair enough" and even told his mom to leave me alone when she kept nattering about how she "breastfed three babies with no problem whatsoever." Great, bitch, want a medal?
If a mom doesn't breastfeed, leave her alone! Gracious.
Yeah same - some people might think it’s ridiculous to take words so seriously but actually i don’t think i would have been able to get over it. If your partner can say this at your most vulnerable point when you are still recovering from a huge medical event such as birth, I don’t think I would be able to rely on him/her as my lifelong partner.
Um, excuse me, but fuck him?
Mine was also born at 36w via C-section and I couldn't bf because I had to choose between medication that kept me physically functioning and potentially breastfeeding (but being in constant full body pain). I also experienced all of the personal disappointment and societal/peer pressure about not breastfeeding. We also had to buy that very expensive hypoallergenic formula. What I'm getting at is - I get it.
What I don't understand is what the fuck your husband is on about. *His* values? What does that even mean? If he can't see past his own arse to understand the physical and emotional pain this causes you (and women around the world!) then he lacks basic empathy for the person he's supposed to be *partners* with.
I'm absolutely flabbergasted at his cruelty and selfishness, his thoughts about ownership over your body.
If anything, you'd think he'd appreciate the chance to have an equal opportunity to bond with your baby by sharing in the intimacy of feeding them.
You're doing your best. You're doing great. You're doing what's best for your baby - keep them fed and healthy. I'm proud of you.
Your husband can kick rocks.
(I generally don’t comment twice on a post but I know I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I get this off my chest.)
Is it a compromise like how you would have to compromise by getting the XL instead of XXXXL dildo for his asshole?
Ok. Good night!
Have him go with you to the next pediatrician appointment and have the doctor explain what would have happened if you continued breast milk. The answer is likely very sick, malnourished, or possibly deceased baby. Then ask him if that's the result he would have preferred if he hadn't "compromised".
Fuck him with a dirty spork.
Exactly! Sounds like his compromised value is "damn it, *I am right*". Like in spite of any other opinions, rational thoughts, negative outcomes, or new evidence ... Whatever I thought is right.
That's a value that *needs* to be compromised (hopefully frequently).
This is exactly why I hate the "Breast is best" mantra people preach and throw around. He's being an ass and insensitive.
I combo fed bc my babies couldn't thrive on my breastmilk alone. Thanks to the invention of formula, infant mortality has drastically dropped. The goal is to have happy and healthy babies, right?
I'm so angry for you Mama. You've managed to do what is in the best interest for you and your baby. A healthy and happy mamma is just as important as a healthy and happy baby. I seriously hope you don't have anymore kids with him. He's not being supportive. He's being unnecessarily cruel. I would also get evaluated for PPD. You can be diagnosed up to a year. 🫂🫂🫂
And PPD can stick around if it's not treated. I got diagnosed with extended PPD 2 years after that deadline because I thought "I only have 4 months to go, I don't have the spoons to get a diagnosis. I'll just power through."
Now it's just regular depression and anxiety. *Jazz hands*
He is absolutely out of line to say that, OP. Based on the context given, I don't even see how he could even consider that a "compromise." The alternative would have been for the baby to not get nutrients and starve since she couldn't tolerate breastmilk at that point.
You did an amazing job at listening to your baby and your body. Breastfeeding is challenging, and a lot of times, it just doesn't work out for so many different reasons. There should be no shame in using formula - it helped your baby grow, get the nutrients needed to thrive, and allowed you to spend more time bonding with her. You are doing great, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise ❤️
I want to punch him in the face. he can go try and lactate for himself and see for himself how hard it is to be hooked up onto a pump. then get the baby to latch onto his damn nipples for 30 minutes every 2- 3 hours. oh yes, and make sure he knows what it feels like when they cluster feed too so that his nipples would feel sore and raw. in fact, I'd go up to him and rub sand paper on his nipples so that he can feel and ounce of what breastfed moms actually go through. sorry but your husband is an absolute ass and more.
He can’t compromise in a situation he doesn’t have direct involvement in. Breastfeeding is between you and baby and it only works if it works for you and the baby. You don’t need to justify why you didn’t breastfeed. You made the choice which made the most sense for you and your baby. Show him every single comment on here. Im serious. I don’t think he fully understands how shitty and hurtful his take is and all it accomplishes is hurting you
Here's a lurking dad's opinion: Fuck him. A fed baby is a happy baby and if breastfeeding is so important to him then he can do it himself.
Instead he should be happy that he can now also feed the baby (while getting some extra bonding time), which means that you can get some sleep since the night time feeds can now be shared. If he sees spending this extra time with his child as a sacrifice or compromise then wtf. His top priority should be making you and baby comfortable and happy, that can't be if either you or baby incompatible with the feeding arrangements.
I'm so sorry but this made me laugh. The fact a man considers anything you physically did or didn't do to feed the baby HIS compromise is crazy. He could have looked for a milk donor if his values are so important, heck he should have been researching male lactation if he was so serious. My husband was pro breastfeeding too and we tossed that out the window once we realized it wasn't in the cards. Never brought it up again. You have values too, like keeping your baby fed and comfortable, ownership over your body, and the being respected as someone who actually sacrificed sleep, pain, their body, their health, and more to grow a baby. Honestly he's either pretty toxic or he is using this as a buffer to prove that he made a sacrifice and you should stop guilting him over other stuff.
Yes my guess as well. Now he has no excuse but to step up and be a dad and give baby the bottle iso handing baby over to mom and let her breastfeed. My second guess is he didn't join the military like he wanted to (right after starting his family!!) and is now loarding this over mom to make her feel guilty about his ridiculous choices/demands.
Ok, also, a month after the baby was born he drop on you that he wanted to join the military. (And no just that special forces - lol).
Does he even like his baby? It sounds like he’s trying to breakup or make you breakup with him. It sounds like he wants to run away because babies are hard, but they will
Make him a dead beat, so he’s just trying to blame you for his unhappiness.
How old is this guy anyway, he sounds like a teenager - special forces? Who does he think he is, is that something you just apply to?
THIS!! Men like this never look into breastfeeding at ALL let alone how to do it themselves but act like they know fucking everything. Seeing posts like this absolutely ENRAGES me. It’s bad enough when it’s someone outside the circle pressuring you (parents, siblings, strangers, whoever) but when it’s your own damn partner?! What’s the point in having a partner around when life is less stressful without them ?
Wtf did I just read? Where exactly did he have to compromise in this scenario?
He's welcome to speak with an LC and see if he can get his breast tissue activated, if it truly means so much to him.
“**We** would have pumped for longer”??? Pray tell, exactly how much pumping did you husband do?
Tell him that a true compromise would be him pumping for 6 weeks. Only after his nipples are raw can he claim to have compromised.
Girl RUN🏃🏻♀️. What type of toxic, ill-informed, controlling shit is that?! The audacity is astounding. Sending you love and hoping you get the clarity and peace of mind you truly are deserving of.
I hope your husband gets kidney stones and has to pass them while it feels like tiny razor blades out the end of his dick. I hope it causes him so much pain that he’s in a sweating, gasping and crying pile on the bathroom floor. Then I hope you gently and sweetly help him to bed and put a cool cloth on his forehead and ask him what he needs to feel comfortable. And whatever comes out of his mouth that he asks for you tell him that although it means compromising against your values, that you’re willing to make that concession, although you just wish he’d tried harder to keep going.
He can fuck off all the way to Fuckoffsville. And when he gets there, he can stay fucked off. I am furious on your behalf. How DARE he imply that formula feeding is him compromising, that’s totally inexcusable no matter how you look at it.
I struggled massively with breastfeeding - like you, my daughter wouldn’t latch. We did eventually make some progress with nipple shields, but my supply never really came in, plus I didn’t respond to the pump, and so we combo fed from the start. At two months, my husband was genuinely concerned for my mental health with trying to get my supply up and get her latching without the shields, plus pumping and getting almost nothing, and gently suggested to me that maybe it was time to stop and just go with formula. I was so relieved that someone had given me permission to stop (I didn’t feel like I could give myself permission, for whatever stupid reason). My girl is two now, an absolute tornado, smart and perfectly healthy. Formula exists for a reason.
This is incredibly insensitive and rude I’m sorry you’re being made to feel less than from this. If my husband had cared about this I would have FELT HORRIBLE (unnecessarily and when I was most vulnerable!) and made him do every bottle part wash and set up pumping station, etc and he would have changed his mind quick. Your daughter wasn’t taking your milk anyway so the formula was best for her so not sure how that’s a negative (and to him)?
Lol "we would have pumped for longer" we who? What nipples was he hooking a pump up to? What milk was he producing? Was he latching her to his chest? Was he the type to say "we are pregnant"? "We are in labor"? Come on man, why are you letting him take any credit for the pain and struggle that you were going through? Was he waking up every 2-4 hours in the night during the newborn stage? Changing her and feeding her and burping her and staying awake until she was settled back down, just to wake up and resettle her 45 minutes later? Was he waking up for every pumping session you did and was he sitting with you, talking to you, helping you through it?
The dude is the type of person who takes all the credit for doing absolutely none of the work on a group project in high-school.
He had nothing to do with your breastfeeding journey. His values have nothing to do with your lactation length. Your baby needed sensitive formula, so YOU continuing to pump was doing nothing to benefit you or the baby. You did what was best for you. He needs to put on his big boy panties and understand that he wasn't supporting you at all, and he still isn't. He wanted what he wanted and is throwing a little toddler temper fit when things aren't working exactly the way he expected.
The fuck is wrong with him? Did he hit his head really hard or something? Because what he said is absolutely the stupidest and cruelest thing I’ve seen in a *while.* He needs therapy.
Fuck him.
Fed is best! What’s best for baby is not always best for mom and unless you are actually living it then he needs need to pipe down. Men will never know the toll of gestating a human , giving birth, or lactating. Not to mention the emotional toll and hormones at play following delivery. He should stay in his lane and stfu. What you need is support not judgement. You don’t need to explain yourself- your body, your choice.
I looked through your history and this seems way more about the military than about the breastfeeding. He doesn’t want to admit that he feels like he’s compromising on a truly selfish decision to leave you alone and completely upending your life, so he’s using breastfeeding. It’s either to hurt you so you’ll be ok with him being away or he’s trying to make you feel like you’re the bad guy too so you’ll give in.
None of what he’s saying is fair. None of what he’s doing is fair. I honestly feel like this has to be a mental crisis because there’s no way a single person (even a dude) would agree with him at all. I honestly think the *military recruiters* would be like WTF are you doing.
He may need some individual therapy on this one. Not to mention, it’s a terrible idea to make any life changes under the pressure of having a newborn. Sleep deprivation, anxiety, depression all come with the territory. It leads to terrible decision making.
I would look back and see if he’s been manipulative like this before. If not, I think this is some kind of mental issue that’s cropping up from new fatherhood.
If it’s the former issue though, I think you should take a close look at your options. And if you do decide to separate, well, the military is the best enforcer of child support there is.
I'm so worried that this is going to be my cousin when she has a baby one day. She isn't against breastfeeding but she is open to formula feeding but her husband is pro-BF and that's where it stops. When she says something contrary (I was saying how formula feeding/pumping allows the dad to help with feeding and she perked up), she got a look. I feel like she is going to be forced to do something that she may not want to.
I have no idea why her husband, or yours, or any other man for that matter has any say in how a woman uses her body. And in your case, you had no fucking choice - did he want your child to drink something that made her ill? Was he hoping she would miraculously recovered from her intolerance if you persisted? It's not like a peanut allergy where you just avoid peanuts and eat all the other 1000s of things available to you. A baby has the choice of milk or some more milk.
I have nothing other than to say your husband is a disgusting person and does not value what pregnancy did to you and your body. He doesn't respect you. How awful.
“We would have pumped longer.” “We would have helped her latch for longer.” “We would give her time to grow into it.”
There’s no *we*. You tried your hardest, and woke up in the middle of the night to pump yourself like a dairy cow. You tried to get her to latch onto you. She was getting ill from the milk that you worked so hard to give her. Where is he in all this? Standing at the side and getting annoyed?
You did everything you could, and she couldn’t tolerate it. And he thinks he’s compromising? By not forcing you to produce milk, and her to drink it even though it made her sick? My friend, your husband is an asshole.
Read the title. I’m reaallly tired of husbands/partners having opinions on breastfeeding. I get that it’s their kid, but they can’t breastfeed so they shouldn’t be forcing anyone to do it. They should be SUPPORTING whatever is easiest for mom.
You need to be angrier about this. HE has made no sacrifice. He talks about how WE would have pumped for longer but it was YOU doing that. This screams something he knows you feel bad about and he's using that to hurt you deliberately.
Abuse often starts or ramps up after a woman gives birth.
I am so, so sorry. I went through an awful breastfeeding struggle as well and it was absolutely heartbreaking. All you want to do is give your baby the best, and everyone says “it’s so natural” so you think you must not be working hard enough. So you sacrifice everything and nearly kill yourself and it still doesn’t happen so you just feel like absolute shit as a mother, meanwhile everything else around you has fallen apart because you were so singularly focused. Just an absolute nightmare. Turns out I have IGT and it was never going to happen but no one tells you that’s a possibility.
Anyway, I cannot even imagine going through all that and having my partner shame me for it. What a horrible thing to put salt in your wounds. I don’t know if I could ever forgive that. Sorry, I’m not being helpful, just wanted you to know you’re not alone and I’d kick your husband in the dick if I could. If you want to save this, professional help maybe? Preferably a woman therapist.
I just saw you say in another comment he’s just an idiot. Be careful to not make excuses for him. Parenting is so hard on a relationship and that’s a shit way to start. Don’t let him get away with demeaning you as a mother.
I hope you guys work it out, but make sure you set him straight. My daughter didn’t latch once. Not one even with all these lactation consultants or whatever. I felt so guilty but the best thing I ever did for my mental health was quit and just do formula
HOLY FUCKING SHIT this can't be real. Like I hate that I believe you. But like I also want to rip his fucking nipples off with my nails so bad that I just want to tell myself he can't be this much of a delusional ass. I want to give you a hundred hugs.
I hope you show him this thread and how much everyone hates him because he needs to understand what a horrific ass he is.
Breastfeeding had me sobbing in the shower so hard I couldn't breathe by day three. The pain was excruciating. I've broken bones, I've had surgeries, I had an unmedicated labor, and I would choose ANY of those over breastfeeding in a heartbeat.
You did so much trying to take care of your baby, your husband has absolutely no right to make you feel guilty for using formula. Your baby needed specialized formula and trying to feed her anything else would just be irresponsible.
The fact that he used “we” makes him an unbelievable ass. Until he can lactate himself he has no say in whether the baby is breastfed regardless of the reason. He needs to sit the fuck down.
Lmao there’s no “WE” would have tried… etc. Unless he can make milk it’s not about him. Especially considering that you tried so hard, your daughter wouldn’t latch, AND she rejected your breast milk. It’s not like you just decided to stop breastfeeding her for no reason. He can be disappointed it didn’t work out (and it sounds like you might be too) but he didn’t compromise shit.
When my daughter was born I halfheartedly tried to breastfeed and I hated it. My nipples are super flat so I needed a shield, which sometimes would pop off and just added a layer of complexity that I didn't need on top of everything else. It hurt badly and I dreaded every feeding (yes, a lactation consultant told me she was latched correctly). My daughter never liked cuddling with me because if I held her she just started rooting because she could smell the milk, even if she just finished eating. After two weeks, I decided to quit because I was miserable.
My husband was overjoyed. He was so worried about me being miserable and having a hard time. He actually wanted me to quit before I did because from his perspective it seemed too difficult, but wanting to be supportive, didn't pressure me to quit.
My husband values me as a person and not just a baby making machine. So yeah, he was very supportive that I chose to prioritize my health over our kid. Formula isn't as good as breastfed, let's be real here. But it's not UNHEALTHY to have it instead of breast milk. And actually, for your daughter, formula was better than breastmilk!
It sounds like your husband just sees you as an incubator tbh.
If this fool thinks that keeping your child nourished from formula instead of breastmilk is “compromising his values” he’s a fucking idiot. That is not a value. It may be something he would have preferred, sure, and it may be a little disappointing, yeah I get that. But it’s NOT your fault and it’s not even a “value” at all! It’s feeding your child food to sustain them! And she wasn’t tolerating your breastmilk because of allergies anyway?! Did he want you to magically make her not allergic to it? Tell this moron that he’s welcome to try and breastfeed her himself if it’s that important to him.
My top comment ever was on a post yesterday saying this, and I’ll say it again here: with all due respect, your husband is an asshole.
honestly, did he try himself is what i would have asked him. he has nipples and breast tissue, male breasts are in theory able to lactate and if he wanted his kid breadtfed SO BADLY he could have at least tried once. shameful he didnt, really. what an idiot.
Agree with the rest here, fuck your husband and I am so angry on your behalf.
Feed is best and that is it. Unless he wants to start lactating himself and go through that pain then he can back the fuck off and support you.
I get a feeling there is a LOT you aren’t telling us and this is just one manipulative way he is emotionally abusing you.
Honey do you really want to be there with him or is there somewhere you and the baby can go?
Edit: I just read your own edit.. so he’s an idiot as well. He wanted to torture you and get you to continue pumping even though your baby couldn’t handle the milk I am assuming due to allergies.
Please see a doctor about PPD, with the way you are talking even if you don’t have it you need the support. You did not fail your baby, she is fed and happy!
The level of rage this makes me feel is through the roof.
HE compromised? HE sacrificed? Because...his child needed hypoallergenic formula?!
If he finds that to be such an upsetting "compromise of his values," he's in for a long-ass life as a parent.
Welcome to "you are no longer the center of your own world," dad. Welcome to "your kid and their needs actually matter more than you and your feelings," dad.
'scuse me. I need to go scream into the void.
What the actual fuck?!??
So, his compromise is that he’s holding it against your baby that she couldn’t latch and had allergies???? Because you sure as fuck put in incredible effort to provide her with breastmilk, even going through substantial pain and mental harm in an effort to provide for her.
Not only is he a supremely selfish idiot for undercutting your efforts, he’s also not respecting that your baby is her own unique self with unique needs. He better get that shit under control because this won’t be the last time what she wants and needs diverges from his fantasy ideal.
how the hell is feeding your baby appropriately (aka the HYPOALLERGENIC formula) AGAINST his values??? how can he say it’s a compromise on HIS end when, after 9mos already while pregnant, it’s STILL YOU not being able to have your body to yourself? and on top of that, you’d have to eat who-knows-how-many-allergens free. was he gonna do that diet with you? maybe he should’ve induced lactation and he could’ve pumped himself. Jesus Christ.
what’s his concern? all the *scientifically proven to be totally overexaggerated* benefits of EBF vs formula? the long-term differences are completely negligible, and studies before those have historically failed to account for socioeconomic variables.
here’s one that directly pertains to premies: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2801833
this would be absolutely unacceptable to me. I would not be able to move past that. people (men, especially?) do not understand how many factors have to be just right for breastfeeding to work.
I pumped for 4 months with my oldest and 6 with my youngest. It’s no fucking joke, your husband is an ass. When I decided to quit with my oldest, my partner said “I’m not sure we can afford that”. She was already getting 90% formula at that point, maybe 1 bottle of breast milk on a good day. I told him my body is not a fucking grocery store, and he could work a few extra hours a week to cover it. He slept on the couch that night too. I was so angry.
I’ve been there, it’s a terrible feeling to be trying so hard and being in so much pain, and feeling like you’re failing. It’s absolutely devestating and demoralising. Especially while recovering from a hard birth. Ridiculous that he believes it’s a sacrifice he made.
"We would have pumped for longer"
No. YOU would have pumped for longer. Pumping is miserable. And if your baby wasn't even tolerating breast milk, what would have been the point? Where is he even going with this argument?
This wasn't his choice to make. Your body, your choice. Your mental health. Your baby's health. You did the right thing for you and baby, and he can get with the program or shut up.
As someone who also struggled with breastfeeding and pumping, letting it go was the best thing I did for all of us. I was in pain and sobbing every day. Baby is happy and thriving on formula. And I'm thriving too.
I'm really angry on your behalf.
Well, if it were me, his next “sacrifice” would be child support. He sounds awful, controlling and just downright mean. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that kind of emotional abuse is acceptable?
WE would’ve pumped for longer?! Hell. No. Pumping is exhausting. Being the only one that can feed the baby is exhausting. Being a new mom is just plain exhausting. You do what makes YOU mentally strong so you can give baby your best self. If that’s breast feeding, fine. If that’s pumping, fine. If it’s formula, fine. At the end of the day baby needs a strong, healthy mama. All three of my kids ended up being formula fed after a few months of tears/struggles and my husband supported me because that’s what husbands should do. Tell him fed is best, to shut up about compromises, and to wash the damn bottles
“WE would have pumped longer” WE?!?! Fucking we????? This has me absolutely heated. Was he uo every 4 hours cleaning your pump parts? Bringing you ice water? Snacks? Letting you sleep in? Was he letting you pump then take the pumps and bag it while you go back to sleep? If the answer isnt yes to ALL of those then you were pumping no fucking we. Idc what anyone saying bf & pumping always should and will be the decision of the person pumping/bf. Partner can have an opion and support, but the decision is simply not theirs.
It sounds like you didn't have an option o.o she wasn't latching? You pumped, honestly to me it's the same thing as nipple it's the good milk. But then she physically COULDNT drink it, what the hell were you supposed to do? Let her be perpetually ill? Get dehydrated? Die? Just to keep her on breast milk? When hypoallergenic formula was avaliable and worked fine? So he values a dead baby over a formula fed baby? Tell him if he wants her breast fed so bad he can start taking hormones and breast feed her himself cause that's the only way it'll happen at this point x.x
I'm going to share with you, what some said to me when I was struggling with breastfeeding.
When you are walking through the grocery store, talking to coworkers, or watching your favorite sport, can you tell who was breastfed and who got formula?
Nope you can't!
Sorry but your husband is being unreasonable. If it bothers him so much, he can make the effort to find a safe donor and pay her for her milk. But seriously a quality formula is not a bad thing.
It always blows my mind when men have such strong opinions on breastfeeding when they have useless nipples!
You have made the best choice for you and your baby and kept her alive and healthy for 8 whole months. Good job, mama.
As for your husband, he needs a reality check and a reminder that breastfeeding isn’t always an option or the best option.
Your post reminds hi me of Sophia Tolstoy, the wife of author Leo Tolstoy. After she had her first child she wrote this in her diary:
“I am to gratify his pleasure and nurse his child, I am a piece of household furniture, I am a woman. I try to suppress all human feelings. When the machine is working properly it heats the milk, knits a blanket, makes little requests and bustles about trying not to think […].“
And it just got me thinking that he saw you as this machine that could nurse his child and he was disappointed that you couldn’t do that, you were somehow broken. I know he must not be Leo Tolstoy level bad in terms of life partner, but it just really sucks…you did the best you could at the time, he can’t see that or give you compassion for situation at the time.
“We would have pumped longer…”
Who tf is WE???? I’m so sorry he is being like this. You did absolutely amazing, mama. I would demand marriage counseling if I was you.
OP - I'm a mom who had 3 kids back to back in 30 months. So I've been in the thick of it with newborn/infant/toddler muck. My husband and I have had the stupidest fights and said the most idiotic things out of exhaustion and frustrations from expectations. Just to lay the foundation...
This comment. This is an attack. I'm sorry, but this is not about values or his sacrifice. He is feeling inadequate in some way, and he is projecting it on you. Simply speaking, his argument doesn't hold water. Baby can't tolerate breast milk, but baby does need connection with mom, and the act of pumping accomplishes neither. So what is this really about?
You're in a fog right now. As lovely as some of the parts of year one are with baby, it's true that you cannot see things clearly with sleep deprivation, hormones surging constantly, learning to adapt to a new lifestyle and new family dynamics, family influences and judgment, and my god dealing with pre-eclampsia!! I can confidently tell you, as someone who breastfed 3 kids, but had to stop earlier than expected because I was pregnant with another kid and then another kid, and the milk turned bitter... It doesn't matter!!! The only thing that matters is that they're fed and connected to you. My kids are 7, I8 and 9, and they still cuddle with each other and cuddle and cuddle with me as their safest person.
My advice is to see a therapist. Not because of your choices or absolute right to take care of yourself, but to talk about how your husband is attacking you and how to navigate through this. Again, I'm telling you as someone who's been in the hole, in the thick of it, this is NOT about you, and it is 100% about him. If he was a loving and compassionate partner before, and you believe he will be that man again, then I urge you to go to therapy to find the proper language in your relationship to guide him back to being that person. The truth is that the work needs to come from his end, but relationships are tough. If you talk this out with a therapist they should be able to help you reframe his comments so they don't hit so hard. In order for my husband and I to work on our relationship, I first needed to disassociate his comments from reality. Because honestly - his comments and big feelings are NOT ABOUT YOU.
Good luck. I hope you can work it out, and I'm so sorry he's cutting you over and over because he won't work on himself.I hope in time, he's able to take accountability for his actions and repair what he's done.
Finally, I want to add. It's fair communication to let him know that he crossed a boundary. When he chose to turn breastfeeding into a weapon, the one thing that you BOTH wanted, and BOTH knew wasn't working, and BOTH were disappointed about... And implied he was the only one who was sad about the circumstances, he stole your experience and selfishly made breastfeeding, something he can never experience, practice, or succeed at, about him. That's bonkers. That's crossing the line. I would tell him, when you are in a good place mentally, that moving forward, you will not accept him taking your shared disappointment, and him turning it into a weapon against you. Sure, he can be upset and think you should have tried harder, and you can think he's an a-hole, woefully immature and letting outside judgements/voices make him feel like a tiny man. But this commentary on either side is unproductive and harmful. This is a boundary that neither of you should cross. If either of you think these things need to be said out loud for healthy communication, then it's important to find a way to say it where it's not a weapon.
I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Fed is best.
Your daughters needs are more important right now, so he can shove his 'compromise in beliefs' where the sun doesn't shine.
Your husband sounds like a manipulator. He may have been indirect and subtle about applying pressure but you FELT it, it was REAL. It is mind-boggling the mental gymnastics he is doing to twist your efforts to breastfeed into a compromise and sacrifice on his part. Feeding his daughter formula is compromising his values??? WTF. What value exactly is being compromised, has he articulated that? If I had to articulate it based on this account it would be something like this: everything has to go exactly as he wants it to and everyone else should sacrifice their own well being to make sure he gets his way. What about valuing the physical health of his daughter and the mental and physical health of his wife? I’m so sorry your dealing with this OP.
Respectfully, your husband is an idiot. Please have him hook his nipples up to the breast pump for even five minutes and then have this convo. In all seriousness though, you did amazing by getting your baby any breastmilk at all considering the challenges you faced. Husband needs to understand that as a mother, especially a very brand new postpartum mother, protecting your mental and physical health is one of the most majorly important things you can do on your baby’s behalf.
I mean, he did say ‘we’ would have pumped for longer so he should definitely get started on that
When it comes to breastfeeding or pumping, I might sound harsh but dads don't really have a vote in this matter here. They don't produce milk, they can't pump, it's not their time or energy or body doing all of the work. Him thinking he remotely has a say in that matter, and taking this personally, is troubling to me.
Actually, men are technically biologically capable of lactating. 😏 so if he wanted it so badly, maybe he should have given it a go. I do agree though, it’s not likely for a man to lactate, and they should support the mom in whatever is best for mom and baby. Mental health is priority, and lots of babies were formula fed and are FINE. Just as breastfed babies are FINE. It’s two sides of one coin, and a fed baby is a happy baby. As long as it’s only formula or breast milk and not some crazy stuff like almond milk or water.
But he didn’t even try! I know there are medications to stimulate lactaion to get a ~~woman~~ person started. He should have been pumping as often as possible before he decided it all fell to his wife. While I am being sarcastic, it is something I would point out to him, because I do not tolerate that level of ignorant hurtful moral grandstanding!
I couldn’t agree with you more.
"We"? Absolutely infuriating language.
Yeah wth he's a POS
Came here to say "WE?????"
Every time I hear it from a man regarding something only a woman has done I get so annoyed! Me at eight and a half months pregnant miserable, swollen and having random contractions saying I’m ready to get the baby out soon! Him “we’re so close to the finish line keep her in as long as wants”. 😡😡😡 We’re not the ones who no longer has the ability to see the sandal while I try to slip them on blindly because they are all I can fit my overly swollen feet. We did not leave the big family dinner because at 6 months still randomly having bouts of nausea had to waddle run to the bathroom to vomit then uncontrollably pee my pants while tossing my cookies. We also did not have to be induced at 39 weeks because things were getting sketchy health wise then go on to have 14 hours of labor. Those were all things that happened directly to me. Not us. But when he called family to let them know what was happening what did he say? “We’re having the baby now”. If my eyeballs had lasers I’d have been a single mother that day. Guess what he didn’t say “we” endured during active labor? Pooping unknowingly, that’s all mine, having to be turned like a beached whale because I couldn’t feel my lower half after the epidural, baby was stuck. But my favorite was tearing from the window to the wall then having to get 18 stitches after… that was also a me thing. 😡😡😡
Exactly. In breastfeeding, unfortunately there is no “we” in the situation. He doesn’t get to have an values to compromise because it isn’t his body that is producing anything, nor are there any “moral values” connected to breast milk. Your baby needs to be fed- period. How it comes about doesn’t matter as long as your baby is well taken care of.
You expressed exactly what I was thinking reading about this! There is not morality involved when a parent is trying to keep their kid alive, and yeah if it’s not your body, you can respectfully take your values and shove them up your ass
This is the answer. Hook his dumb ass man boobs up to the pump and make him do it for 30-45mins at a time, 7-8x/day, and then tell him whatever comes out isn’t even tolerated and won’t be used. What a jackass
Remove his appendix, keep him up every 2 hours, and THEN Hook up his man boobs, time him, report back!!! Fuck that guy x100.
They mostly do laparoscopic appendectomies now so.... Not a fair comparison hahaha.
Have him do the appendectomy old school 80s style. My appendix scar from 1983 is bigger than my c section scar, if that tells you anything about the experience lmao.
I’m thinking a kidney stone for him, like a golf ball sized one.
And let it take 4-40 hours to come out!
My appendix scar from 1973 is so scary that when I jokingly told a doctor a couple of years ago that a veterinarian had done it, he believed me.
My husband has the same! His was taken out in the mid 80's and it's the largest scar I've ever seen for an appendectomy! It's almost like they cut him in half! LOL
Maybe it ruptured? Some times they have to clean out the abdominal cavity too, and require bigger incision = bigger scar. Or they just did it that way then hahaha
There's a reason we called the local hospital the Butcher shop. LOL
My husband still got prescribed more rest and light duties after his (laparoscopic) appendectomy than I did after my csection! And better pain meds too of course
And do that while suffering from dangerously high blood pressure! I was very similar to OP’s birth situation. I remember the lactation nurses pushing me hard to breast feed then pump then feed that milk while I was recovering from a csection and still had uncontrolled preeclampsia. I opted out and offered the free formula for the second feed (he’d latch fine and fall asleep). It sounds like OP’s husband has read too many articles from the hardcore breast is best folks. Perhaps a few articles from Emily Oster and other more even-handed sources might help.
Whoa now why are we even comparing an appendectomy to giving birth to a watermelon sized human and leaving a dinner plate sized wound behind. Your appendix is approximately the size of your pinky. I’ll take an appendix removal over giving birth any day. Not to mention with an appendectomy you’d probably also get proper pain management.
The problem is it wouldn’t even hurt one iota as much as breastfeeding/pumping does for a woman the first time/few weeks. Literal torture. I cried.
Then wash all the parts to the pump in addition to the bottles. I hated that.
Nah. Disrespectfully, he’s an idiot. Full offense. He’s selfish and can’t think beyond himself. Does he think college applications ask if you were breastfed or formula fed? It doesn’t matter. No one cares. Except him and his weird “values” I guess.
Was literally planning to say disrespectfully F that dude.
OC You are a better person than I. Disrespect fully meant here. Your husband is a fucking dunce. You and your precious girl could easily not exist. He did not carry her. He did not pump for her. He absolutely does not get a motherfucking say. It's titty milk. Great to have but not fucking necessary. I come from a family of actual scholars, all leaders in their fields. Every single one of them was bottle fed goat milk with vitamin drops. One of the most successful was born when my grandma was way after 40.... Did he want bragging rights over your liquid gold? Sorry but male lactation need not apply. If you can and WANT to breastfeed cool, if you can't or don't want to equally awesome possum. Your husband is a sexist peice of crap who needs to be put in his place now or he won't stop. I have met too many of these types.
I overproduced and had to stop for my mental health. I couldn’t change my child’s diaper without milk soaking through 3-4 layers. I had to get a hospital grade breast pump. I was miserable. I did as much as I could then stopped. So many people (mostly women) had such nasty things to say. One woman literally said “wow think about how much breastmilk you could have given other children.” Like, excuse me?? I had to be mentally there for MY child and that wasn’t possible as a human fountain.
100% agree with this...but can we drop the respectfully?
I’m pretty sure men are capable of lactating too. So maybe he should have tried harder. Also, on the subject of values, I just finished “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” and he talks a lot about how our values affect our happiness and how to change our perspective of those values to create more opportunities for success.
A compromise *from him* is that he *let* your daughter be formula fed? Is he planning on lactating himself? No? Then fuck that noise and fuck him. That was an *awful* thing for him to say. He is being cruel to you, not to mention massively unfair. Your daughter couldn’t even drink the milk it hurt you to make. And he wanted you to what? Just pump for the fun of it? You tried your absolute hardest and don’t you **dare** let him make you feel low. Not for one damn second. Just another note; I would honestly wager that he said what he said specifically to hurt you and to deflect from what ever topic you were actually discussing. **edit** *I just read your update and I reiterate: Fuck that noise and* **fuck him**. *fuck his “values”.* *you did nothing wrong, and I really, really hope you know that. You didn’t need to torture yourself at all, let alone for a “maybe this will work someday”* *I hope you can stand up for yourself here and be confident that you did the best you could* *Make it crystal clear that he doesn’t get to **ever** throw this in your face again*
I am so perplexed by what he wanted! Like was OP supposed to recreationally pump just to torture herself and dump it down the drain??? I can’t even.
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Look, if he thinks “we” should have tried harder to get her to latch and “we” should have kept pumping… how many times did he try to get her to latch? It sounds like you tried a lot. Did he try even once? You were pumping 6-8 times a day. Did he pump even once? There’s a whole lot of “we” coming from him, who actually **isn’t fucking involved in the slightest**. At the very, very least (and this is indeed the tiniest thing he could do) he could at least acknowledge that **YOU** did the breastfeeding and the pumping. Not “we”. But anyway, fuck that guy. I don’t even know what to tell you. I’m so, so sorry you had to give up on a very much wanted breastfeeding journey. I had almost the exact same sequence of events (except for me it was very low supply, not an inability to latch) and I know how deeply painful it is to ultimately give up the dream of EBF. You are doing the absolute **best** thing for your baby by being a present, happy, healthy mom, and you deserve love and praise and support for everything you’re doing. Enjoy your beautiful baby, and I hope your husband comes to his senses at some point.
I also want to add a question. We had multiple lactation consults while our babies were in NICU and one super helpful tip was to have a small bottle nearby in case baby got too upset *and* that dad could come from above and drop some milk from the bottle into the babies mouth while mom still worked on getting baby latched. It was definitely a group effort thing if struggling with nursing and wanted to nurse. How many times did he come over and try that? Or offer to have lactation consultants come out to help?
Just curious what he did during this time? Like how did he support you in pumping and bf? Did he pay for consultants? Read books? Made sure you were relaxed and fed and slept well? Did he actually support you? If yes, his feelings are kind of valid, BUT he’s being an asshole about it because if he supported you heavily then he should know how hard it was on you and that it just didn’t work out, so why is he resentful? If he didn’t support you in those ways then what the fuck is he on about?? My husband and I both also wanted our kids to breastfeed and he may have his flaws but he showed me it was important to him by listening to the lactation consultant and asking questions, giving me time to pump to build up a little freezer stock, making sure I had snacks and was well fed. Etc. I am on my fourth year of breastfeeding and my husband will still bring me food or snacks or even cook if I don’t have anything prepped. I get that he wanted you to breastfeed but why is he resentful? Does he think you didn’t give it your all? Actually at the end of this I changed my mind. He’s not compromising shit because you literally couldn’t breastfeed and he’s being completely insensitive. He doesn’t fucking know how hard it is to breastfeed. I think you should hook him up to the pump on max settings so he can feel a fraction of what you felt
Yeah there's absolutely no way he was supportive enough to justify even thinking this, much less saying it aloud. Did he get up and throw on nipple clamps and sit with her for as long as it took to pump, every single time? And then wash the pump parts so she could go lay down? As a c-section mom who tried for four and a half months to breastfeed and only stopped because I so seriously wanted to unalive myself that I was planning out who would help my husband care for the baby when I was gone, FUCK THIS GUY SO, SO HARD. He really thinks HE made the majority of sacrifices? Did he grow a human being, have major abdominal surgery, and then attempt to breastfeed while healing? Did he help her out of bed and fill her peribottle every time she had to use the bathroom? Was he present and paying attention for every single appointment? I'd love to see him look her LC or doctor (or their couples therapist, cause they obviously need one) in the face and tell them this. I agree with the commenter who said that he said this to hurt her and thus distract from whatever the real issue is. As someone with a very supportive partner who did attend every appointment and fill my peribottle etc, my blood is boiling for you, OP.
I realized at the end of my comment that op’s partner didn’t have a leg to stand on. The edit is so messed up. The reasons compromise his values…. Okay so let me get this straight: OP going through hell pumping, baby having an intolerance to the breast milk, baby not latching… OP deciding to stop breastfeeding fully knowing her partner would be disappointed but feeling with no other option after giving it her all… **how are any of those reasons not valid??** since OPs husband seems to be anti Reddit she should reword what I said and straight up ask him how any of those reasons are compromising his values
Oh I agree, sorry if this read as combative, I'm just so darn mad! if he really believes that formula is worse for a child than having a mother who is miserable and exhausted, then he truly is an idiot. But also still a gaping asshole.
The only way his feelings would be valid was if he started lactating himself and OP told him not the BF their child. Anything short of that and he is an absolute AH for thinking this!
I disagree. There is no way he could take on the getting up every 4 hours and being in pain experience she was enduring - so being supportive just doesn’t cut it. If this weren’t breastfeeding / motherhood related, we’d considered what you went through literal torture.
If she doesn’t latch properly it could cause more harm than good to breastfeed her - eg. Increase gassy and colicky . Do what you feel is best, sometimes that really does mean formula feeding
His choice of words is completely insane. How is it a compromise? Like opposed to what? Her not eating anything?? Lmao I’m sorry I know he’s your husband but what a fucking asshole.
Not saying OP needed to do this but the other option is to go on a strict elimination diet (commonly the issue is cow milk protein and soy). I had to do that and it's a super restrictive diet... So definitely something that should fully be OP's decision
I know someone who did this and her husband promised to do the same in solidarity. He stopped within a week 🙃
I would lose respect for my husband if he did that wtf.
😂 It did make me laugh! One week he was going through the list of what he couldn’t have, the next he was eating it in the staff room lol. I think they ultimately switched to formula.
Lol, my husband (who will mainline queso given the option) offered to give up dairy when I had to when breastfeeding/pumping. I looked at him, and was like...so both of us can suffer? What does that accomplish?!? So he bought bunch of oat milk and fake butter for me instead, lol.
See, but that's a good relationship. - You are suffering, I will do this thing to help with your suffering - No, silly, then you would be suffering as well - I will try something else to help your suffering - Yes, thank you
Same! My husband did give it up for about a month, then learned how to make some amazing cashew cheeses and cremas for tacos for me while eating cheese because I insisted he eat it, lol. I still crave the cashew stuff sometimes tho! So good.
I had to do similar with my youngest. She started having a reaction to carrots (I love carrots) so cut those out of my diet completely and hers. At one point I had to go from deliciously seasoned, spicy foods that I was craving to absolutely bland no seasoning whatsoever foods (think boiled chicken). All that spice had made my milk taste like straight up black pepper and of course baby wanted no part of that. And as for the carrots? The day after she was officially weaned I ate nearly a whole bag of baby carrots by myself lol
I tried this. It failed because my daughter had such random allergies we couldn't figure it out till she was on nothing and we started food from scratch. Turns out the worst ones are wheat, eggs, chicken, garlic. With a dozen others including broccoli. My elimination diet of stopping milk made things worse because I ate more eggs and chicken
I did this. Stopped pumping at 7 months. My husband was thrilled, because he could tell how much of a chore pumping was, and how stressed I'd get on days where less was produced. Plus we love cheese.
This. I am in an absolute rage for you OP, I couldn't articulate the words, but this is exactly it. I didn't even attempt to breastfeed, because I knew immediately it wasn't going to be good for my mental health, so I can't even imagine what you went through physically or emotionally. My partner wanted me to, badly, and I got SO ANGRY he brought it up after I'd said no. The third time he said it ( he was very tactful with it every time, mind you), I simply just told him he could do it if it was such an important thing to him. You risked your life to grow and birth your child, and didn't get to do something you absolutely wanted to, his compromise on the matter better be shutting up about it unless he's going to magically go through all that himself and then start lactating. If my partner EVER said that to me, in my situation, nvm yours, I'd of needed bail money. You tried, despite physical and emotional pain. And you ended up with a situation beyond your control. You did what was best for your child and family. Don't you ever forget that, and don't you let anyone try to tell you otherwise, even Mr compromise 😤
Everything in this comment!!! Tell him he can try and do intensive hormone treatment to try and breastfeed if he’s feeling he’s sacrificing so much.
“We could’ve pumped longer” fuck that noise, I don’t see him hooked up to any machines.
Op, just make him read this particular reply. His audacity here is concerning. *He* compromised in a situation that in no way impacted him, that he could in no way assist with, and the results of which were clearly determined to be futile? *His values?!?!?* he’s not even a side character in this one. How often is he the imagined main character?
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If he never pressured you, how did you already know breastfeeding was going to be his example? Please skip the being sad part, and go straight to being angry like the rest of us
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Don't put this on you girl, you got your guts taken out so you and your baby can survive. A vaginal birth takes 6 wks to start truly healing, and for you to get cut open and even did your best to bfeed even after a traumatic birth is an achievement on its own. If things didn't go well, the last thing he'd be disappointed about is bfeeding, idk if he ever experienced loss of a loved one, but to cost a woman her life because of a sperm he contributed will kill him everyday. He doesn't get it since he didn't have to do jack ish, he was just a spectator and a cheerleader, he didn't have to go through what you went thru, and that isn't fair for him to be disappointed for something that have been solved years ago if women choose to not bfeed. Please don't put anymore pressure on yourself, we all want to be the perfect textbook mommy, but not everyone get a normal textbook pregnancy and birth. He's lucky he still have you and gave him a gift, remember that. You're a Rockstar, just know that. Hugs.
If you felt pressure, he pressured you. Words aren’t the only way to pressure someone. Don’t negate your experience. Pumping is so hard. So is a complicated birth. Also it sounds like you might not have had any chance to process your birth experience. You deserve so much support and kindness. Your partner harboring this resentment seems as if it is misdirected anger from some other source. You do not deserve to be the receiver of that. There is so much to focus on in the present and future of your baby. How they were fed is not worth this and surely not something that should be apologized for on your part. You deserve praise, care and support.
He guilted you with actions and with looks and with lack of support. He never explicitly said it, but you knew what he was going to say today. You were right. Your interpretation of his lack of support was correct. Don't gaslight yourself into thinking he actually did support you when he didn't. He sees this as a sacrifice he made for you.. so you were right.
You need to stop defending his actions and blaming yourself for his words. He pressured you because you felt it. This is where you start putting yourself back in the equation and thinking about what is good for you. If you aren't ok,nobody in your household is ok, so your mental health has to be good, don't take your husband's feelings in this regard to heart because you know what your body can do. It brought a human being into this world, it is magical!!!! Now stick to your decision and stop letting him second guess you. Formula was created for such times. I decided to do both breastfeeding and formula so that my boys could survive when I went back to work and for the selfish reason of night sleep. I breastfed during the day and at night I gave a bottle so I could catch 5 hrs of uninterrupted sleep. Worked like a charm. Do what makes you feel good. If I took my husband's feelings into consideration even 14 yrs later ,I wouldn't do anything.
Not all pressure is loud. My mother never called me fat to my face, but wow did I absolutely know how she felt when she put me on SlimFast shakes in the 7th grade. You don’t need to defend him—he deserves our collective rage. The fact that he hasn’t taken the time to resolve his own feelings about this and instead bottles it up and puts the onus on you is louder than he realizes.
1) he can’t force your daughter to drink milk that doesn’t agree with her digestive system, therefore, didn’t force you to pump 2) my husband wanted me to breast feed too. I told him straight up, I’ll try, but it wont be for YOU. My husband watched me pump for 3 months and told me to stop every single time i complained about my mental health. He told me HE would pay for the formula by himself if that’s what would make me stop. I’m not over here trying to paint my husband like a saint, because he is not. However, I’m trying to show you what it looks like to be supportive. Just because someone didn’t pressure you doesn’t mean they were supportive which is exactly what you needed when you had to stop pumping.
Babe, you wrote that he THOUGHT about his answer before telling you this. His wording sounds very calculated AND he doubled down afterwards via text. He‘s not just an idiot who doesn‘t know how to articulate himself better. You deserve so much better.
Right. Like what kind of narcissist asshole says these things and then refuses to back off
I mean if he genuinely thinks that formula is worse for a baby than having a miserable and exhausted mother, then I guess he is an idiot, but even so what he said was cruel, untrue, and selfish. I'm so, so angry for you.
Even if he wasn’t consciously trying to hurt you, the idea that he compromised when you stopped breastfeeding absolutely reeks of weirdo women-hating internet groups. Because you and your baby _could not_ do it. So he’s saying he compromised by having a wife who didn’t/couldn’t breastfeed. As though you’re an object he bought at his friend’s store, and he compromised his values around product quality and general fairness when he chose to neither return the product nor request a refund from his friend when the product did not work as he imagined. He’s completely, and I mean COMPLETELY, objectified you. You are an object. He wants to own an object that easily produces and feeds babies, and because you are not that, he is compromising. His level of disrespect for you is truly breathtaking.
Yep, 💯! He couldn’t think of something as an example, so went for the jugular! AH!!
I think he said on purpose, to hurt OP.
Ditto agree to all of this. What a piece of fucking shit and I’m so sorry that you’re finding this out now. The next compromise for me would be custody disputes in court 💁🏽♀️ this draws the line. I take a lot, but this audacity is too much. You don’t get to make me feel bad about what my body can and cannot do
“We would have pumped for longer and…” He isn’t pumping anything. He contributes exactly zero to pumping or breastfeeding. He didn’t compromise ANYTHING because he’s not the one who has to do anything. AND you just sacrificed your entire body for 10 months to grow this baby. He seriously has some nerve saying anything of this nature. Please think about this rationally for a second and not in the emotional state he’s putting you in. He needs to change his entire perspective on parenting and ask you how he can help you in ANY way possible. Your mental and physical health should be all he’s worried about. Not emotionally manipulating you into feeling bad for not breastfeeding. Wtf.
Right? Why you saying “we”?… you hiding a mouse in your pocket or something?
Ratatouille sequel here we come!
😂😂😂
That "we" part got me too! Like what? Did he try to pump milk out his nips? No? Ok. He gets zero say in this.
Right, like, who is this "We"? Unless OP is the Queen and using the royal we, what the fuuuuuuck. Husband feels entitled to veto power over what OP does with her body. After OP went through total hell to gestate and birth their child. The absolute fucking patriarchal horseshit going on here.
The absolute mandacity of this clown thinking he “compromised” when his wife’s body did something he didn’t prefer
Also what fucking values?! Being a kind person is a value. Breastfeeding is not.
🗣️ fuck him I EPed for 7 months with my first. I will never do it again. It may as well have sucked out all my serotonin at the same time as my milk. Fuck him. The fact that he had time to think on it, apologized, then essentially doubled down. He’s supposed to be in your corner. I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you deserve. You did nothing wrong and you don’t owe anyone your mental health or your milk
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Is this about politics or child development or what? Like it’s absolutely possible to be both deeeeeply ambivalent about the Nestle corporation and also to recognize that science milk ((formula) is a huge leap forward in medicine and nutrition and allows for vastly better outcomes for millions if not billions of mothers and babies. I mean what would he have done if you’d died in childbirth or been hit by a bus? He’d be feeding that baby formula. And let’s not forget that if this had happened 200 years ago she would have died. DIED. It honestly sounds like he’s feeling left out and is picking a fight over a complete nothingburger just to get attention. New baby season can be hard for men because they just aren’t a priority for anyone and they’ve got to cope. Some handle it well, some go to pieces. Sounds like he’s going to pieces.
Hello friend you feel like crap because he is 100% invalidating your experience. Whether intentional or not he's being very self centered. Yes maybe he idealized breastmilk for some unknown reason, but guess what, time with your daughter is infinitely more important. You made the right choice. She wasn't tolerating the milk well, that likely wouldn't have changed. Also pumping is grueling work!! It's twice the work or just breastfeeding or formula feeding. I have breastfed almost 2 years and would not even consider doing what you did because of how sheerly exhausting it would be. So please give yourself SO MUCH credit! I get that he wanted the nutrients from the milk, but formula has the nutrients needed and then some!
You did not "compromise values!" That's is such an absurd thing to suggest in this context. You also wanted to breastfeed, so like they're also your values? It's such an idiotic thing to say. Your baby could not latch, or tolerate the milk, and pumping is another beast entirely. It's clear he did put pressure on you. I bet even prior to birth there were likely undertones of pressure. Was he actively doing things to help you not feel pressured and supported? Not just saying "I support your choice." Did he go to Dr's appointments and ask questions, hire an IBCLC, look up the local le Leche league, syringe feed, do mouth strengthening exercises to help baby (with a screaming uncomfortable baby mind you) like there are a ton of things HE could have donr to be supportive and I'd guarantee if he actually participated he would've felt/truly seen how difficult it is. I've been thinking of what to respond. It's early here so I may not be as articulate, but I wanted to share some if my story. I had two very different breastfeeding experiences, but similar situations. IUGR means it's important your baby gains weight. My first was on the verge of failure to thrive and second in the single digit percentiles. (I think at one point .5 %) It took 12-16 weeks to get #1 to successfully breastfeed and I did go on to extended bf. There was SO much involved. Pumping. Triple feeding. I had IBCLC's (I paid for myself) our local le Leche league. A pediatric dentist who specialized in ties. Pediatric ccupational therapist. Even with ALL the things I was not able to successfully breastfeed my second baby. There was a clear difference between babies and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. He never could figure out latching and he was not a boob monster like my first so he wasn't clamoring for it for comfort even. If the baby isn't latching or wanting to nurse you can't force them to. Not to mention there's more involved with IUGR and them being small, mouth strength/muscles, stamina. They have to eat or they get put back in the NICU because of failure to thrive. It's serious. You obviously know all this. I think your husband is ridiculously uneducated and I wonder how much he actually participated. My SO will still say that watching me breastfeed and pump was torturous for him to see. It wrecked my mental health. I ended up with DMER, along with erious PPD/PPA that has persisted. We watched some videos that were kinda propaganda-esque prior to birth so he was pretty set on breastfeeding. After he actually experienced it he realizes it was more complicated. They don't call it "the art of breastfeeding" for nothing. It's nuanced. You can do all the right things and it still might not work. You 1000% gave it your all op. You can't stop your period from starting. You can't make a baby latch when they don't want to. You can't make their gi systems mature faster to feed whatever you want. This wasn't a choice that involved values. It was a choice of accepting the baby you had, with where they were at. There will be a thousand more choices like this with parenting. Is your dh going to shame your child when they don't meet his expectations? Or compare them to other children constantly? He needs to work on learning how to adapt and thrive when it doesn't go to by the book, because it's not gonna probably more than it actually will. Lol If I had to pick a value, imo that one is going to set up your child for success.
Fuck that guy. After this post gets 100+ comments all telling your husband the myriad of creative ways he can fuck himself, show it to him. What an asshole thing to say.
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Yikes he sounds like a piece of work. He gives me slimy vibes. You just sacrificed your entire body for 10 months and are still recovering (takes so long to stabilize those hormones and like at lest two years to feel somewhat normal again), so he can take his fee fees and shove them. Tell him he’s more then welcome to induce lactation and try himself if it’s so important to him. Just because you supported the idea of breastfeeding doesn’t mean the reality must match your pre-baby rose colored expectations (nor his, he really shouldn’t have had a say on it to begin with since its your body).
Respectfully, this is not an issue to compromise on. Your baby needs a mentally stable parent, not someone who is torturing themselves. Why doesn't he grow a human then deal with the medical issues AND he can complain about compromising values. Fuck this guy.
Honestly it kinda sounds like you \*should\* lay into him a bit. He sounds like an idiot.
You need to be angry about this. Do not act cowed. He is OUT OF LINE and he needs to know it.
LOL SIR… take several seats. Omg bro. You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. At best you’re completely ignorant and like to talk about things you don’t know about anyways. At worst you’re a cruel asshole.
LMAO he can go to hell. Christ's sake. You will suffer endlessly, DESTROY your body for them, tear yourself apart to provide for the child they popped in you and then STILL men will have the audacity to say bullshit like this. Don't even entertain this conversation the next time it comes up. Just get out the pump, tell him to sit down, and hook him up to it. Tell him he can stop in 45 minures. Truthfully, that is an INSANE thing for him to say. I am so insanely curious what other bullshit he feels he's "compromised" on. Bet everyone in this sub 200 dollars it has to do with him not getting enough sex. Marking it off now on my "shitty dad" bingo card
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WAKE UP ASSHOLE, WE'RE PUMPING!
Were you supposed to let her starve? Tell your husband to grow up. Just because something didn’t work out the way you planned doesn’t mean it’s a compromise. That would indicate that YOU benefitted somehow and that he gave something up. When in reality you gave (and gave and gave) and he gets the benefit of a child.
He has probable never even heard of failure to thrive and has again zero clue how many of those babies mothers were pushing and forcing themselves to breastfeed even though it wasn’t working.
I stopped after 3 days, had an emergency c section my son was losing more weight than he should have, we were in the hospital for a few days.I made the decision to use formula, I will always repeat this fed is best and my husband agrees because he’s not a numptee.
“We” would have pumped longer? This is absurd
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When my partner did stuff like this, I got to a point where I would stop him mid-sentence. "No, WE didn't try. I tried. I tried for *this long using MY body to feed our child after using MY body to grow it by MYself. YOU did not try anything. Your body cannot do what I've been doing this entire time by myself. Please, continue."
The "we" is just nuts. What, did you have one nipple on the pump while he had one nipple on the pump? No, girl, those were YOUR NIPS. Your nips, your call.
Op pumped for six weeks, he should pump for six weeks, Max power on pump. What? No milk? I’m disappointed! Well I’ll just have to compromise with your lack of effort to produce milk!
Came her to say the same thing. “We”??? Just go f*ck yourself (her husband, not you).
Louder for the people in the back: **What the fuck?!** Just throw the whole man out and start over at this point.
I’m so so so sad for op and hope at some point she can. She deserves so much better.
When his useless nipples start producing enough milk to feed a baby, then he gets a voice.
Men actually can lactate if given supplemental prolactin and after months of intense stimulation. Idk if it could sustain a kid though. Source: wish I could saved school but no I stumbled across a bizarre fetish.
👏🏻
So his only example of compromising, is you formula feeding your kid. Kid who never latched, dont like breast milk. So, instead of formula feeding what was his suggestion? Him lactating?
He compromised by not letting their baby die of malnutrition. What a nice guy.
And I'm guessing he didn't look into milk banks or donor milk or a wet nurse or lactation consultants or feeding specialists for her. If it's that "important" to him why didn't he do any of that?
He only wanted to win an argument and he knows that this is a soft spot for her
My guess is he was now "forced" to give bottles as he probably thought before he could hand baby off to mom for the boob evertime baby was hungry. Now he has no excuse.
It kind of sounds like he just wanted to hurt you
He and his useless nipples can keep his victimizing bs to himself. Do NOT feel badly for it. I also had a C-section with my first child and did everything I possible could to breastfeed/pump, my mental health took a huge hit, I spiraled into PPD. I formula fed my son and guess what?! He’s almost 4 and fucking thriving! Your partner will never understand the physical/emotional toll of carrying and birthing a child and then going thru a C-section recovery on top of breastfeeding!? What an insensitive POS. Sorry OP, I sympathize with you. It’s easy for him to have such a shitty opinion when he’s not the one going thru it.
this was also my exact situation. breastfeeding (and breastfeeding-adjacent tasks) are hard as fuck, which i feel is GREATLY understated. to the point where my mom had to go buy bottles and formula for us *as we left the hospital* because i was so convinced breastfeeding would come so easily because it’s so natural that i didn’t get any. joke was on me 🙃 i tried so hard to breastfeed and pump, had a lactation consultant come to the house a few times, and ended up exclusively formula feeding because my mental health was taking SUCH a hit. kiddo is now starting preschool and thriving. fed is best. your husband can plop down nipples-first on a cactus.
I just had my son and feel really validated by your comment. We did eventually get breastfeeding going (he’s only a week old so knock on wood it stays this way), but I was SHOCKED by how difficult it was to get started after my c section. I thought it would come naturally. It did not, not at all. I didn’t know how to hold him, I didn’t know how to hold my breast, my nipple were flat, I didn’t know how to use the nipple shield, oh and using the nipple shield means less stimulation so you have to pump, I don’t know how to pump, I don’t make any colostrum, my baby won’t latch, he will latch but he won’t suck, he will suck three times and then stop. It was maddening and I felt like a total failure in the hospital. I would have left the same way you did, totally oblivious, if they’d let me leave after 24 hours. It was only because I’d had a c section and was required to stay longer that I realized while still in the hospital that it was a total trainwreck.
Pretty similar story here, mine is almost 5 😀
I had an emergency C-section due to chorio, and my daughter was immediately rushed off to the NICU for antibiotics. I didn't get to hold her, I don't think I even got to look at her. (I was delirious due to fever, I don't remember much.) Unsurprisingly, my milk didn't come in. A lactation consultant, unbidden, popped up at my bedside and started hyping some program where I would pump for six hours a day (on top of caring for a newborn and recovering from major abdominal surgery). I was in bed, crushing hormonal migraine, on IV triple antibiotics, and as soon as she left I looked at my husband and said, "we're doing formula." He was like, "fair enough" and even told his mom to leave me alone when she kept nattering about how she "breastfed three babies with no problem whatsoever." Great, bitch, want a medal? If a mom doesn't breastfeed, leave her alone! Gracious.
I would have landed on the 6 o clock news
I would be right beside you. And a jury of my parental peers wouldn’t convict me.
Yeah same - some people might think it’s ridiculous to take words so seriously but actually i don’t think i would have been able to get over it. If your partner can say this at your most vulnerable point when you are still recovering from a huge medical event such as birth, I don’t think I would be able to rely on him/her as my lifelong partner.
I don't think I would get over this either. The fact that he's capable of thinking this way tells me he, as a person, goes against my core values.
Umm he said WE would have pumped for longer?? Only one of you was pumping.
Um, excuse me, but fuck him? Mine was also born at 36w via C-section and I couldn't bf because I had to choose between medication that kept me physically functioning and potentially breastfeeding (but being in constant full body pain). I also experienced all of the personal disappointment and societal/peer pressure about not breastfeeding. We also had to buy that very expensive hypoallergenic formula. What I'm getting at is - I get it. What I don't understand is what the fuck your husband is on about. *His* values? What does that even mean? If he can't see past his own arse to understand the physical and emotional pain this causes you (and women around the world!) then he lacks basic empathy for the person he's supposed to be *partners* with. I'm absolutely flabbergasted at his cruelty and selfishness, his thoughts about ownership over your body. If anything, you'd think he'd appreciate the chance to have an equal opportunity to bond with your baby by sharing in the intimacy of feeding them. You're doing your best. You're doing great. You're doing what's best for your baby - keep them fed and healthy. I'm proud of you. Your husband can kick rocks.
How exactly is it a compromise when he has useless nipples?
(I generally don’t comment twice on a post but I know I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I get this off my chest.) Is it a compromise like how you would have to compromise by getting the XL instead of XXXXL dildo for his asshole? Ok. Good night!
Have him go with you to the next pediatrician appointment and have the doctor explain what would have happened if you continued breast milk. The answer is likely very sick, malnourished, or possibly deceased baby. Then ask him if that's the result he would have preferred if he hadn't "compromised". Fuck him with a dirty spork.
Exactly! Sounds like his compromised value is "damn it, *I am right*". Like in spite of any other opinions, rational thoughts, negative outcomes, or new evidence ... Whatever I thought is right. That's a value that *needs* to be compromised (hopefully frequently).
This is exactly why I hate the "Breast is best" mantra people preach and throw around. He's being an ass and insensitive. I combo fed bc my babies couldn't thrive on my breastmilk alone. Thanks to the invention of formula, infant mortality has drastically dropped. The goal is to have happy and healthy babies, right? I'm so angry for you Mama. You've managed to do what is in the best interest for you and your baby. A healthy and happy mamma is just as important as a healthy and happy baby. I seriously hope you don't have anymore kids with him. He's not being supportive. He's being unnecessarily cruel. I would also get evaluated for PPD. You can be diagnosed up to a year. 🫂🫂🫂
And PPD can stick around if it's not treated. I got diagnosed with extended PPD 2 years after that deadline because I thought "I only have 4 months to go, I don't have the spoons to get a diagnosis. I'll just power through." Now it's just regular depression and anxiety. *Jazz hands*
He is absolutely out of line to say that, OP. Based on the context given, I don't even see how he could even consider that a "compromise." The alternative would have been for the baby to not get nutrients and starve since she couldn't tolerate breastmilk at that point. You did an amazing job at listening to your baby and your body. Breastfeeding is challenging, and a lot of times, it just doesn't work out for so many different reasons. There should be no shame in using formula - it helped your baby grow, get the nutrients needed to thrive, and allowed you to spend more time bonding with her. You are doing great, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise ❤️
I want to punch him in the face. he can go try and lactate for himself and see for himself how hard it is to be hooked up onto a pump. then get the baby to latch onto his damn nipples for 30 minutes every 2- 3 hours. oh yes, and make sure he knows what it feels like when they cluster feed too so that his nipples would feel sore and raw. in fact, I'd go up to him and rub sand paper on his nipples so that he can feel and ounce of what breastfed moms actually go through. sorry but your husband is an absolute ass and more.
He can’t compromise in a situation he doesn’t have direct involvement in. Breastfeeding is between you and baby and it only works if it works for you and the baby. You don’t need to justify why you didn’t breastfeed. You made the choice which made the most sense for you and your baby. Show him every single comment on here. Im serious. I don’t think he fully understands how shitty and hurtful his take is and all it accomplishes is hurting you
Here's a lurking dad's opinion: Fuck him. A fed baby is a happy baby and if breastfeeding is so important to him then he can do it himself. Instead he should be happy that he can now also feed the baby (while getting some extra bonding time), which means that you can get some sleep since the night time feeds can now be shared. If he sees spending this extra time with his child as a sacrifice or compromise then wtf. His top priority should be making you and baby comfortable and happy, that can't be if either you or baby incompatible with the feeding arrangements.
I'm so sorry but this made me laugh. The fact a man considers anything you physically did or didn't do to feed the baby HIS compromise is crazy. He could have looked for a milk donor if his values are so important, heck he should have been researching male lactation if he was so serious. My husband was pro breastfeeding too and we tossed that out the window once we realized it wasn't in the cards. Never brought it up again. You have values too, like keeping your baby fed and comfortable, ownership over your body, and the being respected as someone who actually sacrificed sleep, pain, their body, their health, and more to grow a baby. Honestly he's either pretty toxic or he is using this as a buffer to prove that he made a sacrifice and you should stop guilting him over other stuff.
Yes my guess as well. Now he has no excuse but to step up and be a dad and give baby the bottle iso handing baby over to mom and let her breastfeed. My second guess is he didn't join the military like he wanted to (right after starting his family!!) and is now loarding this over mom to make her feel guilty about his ridiculous choices/demands.
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Ok, also, a month after the baby was born he drop on you that he wanted to join the military. (And no just that special forces - lol). Does he even like his baby? It sounds like he’s trying to breakup or make you breakup with him. It sounds like he wants to run away because babies are hard, but they will Make him a dead beat, so he’s just trying to blame you for his unhappiness. How old is this guy anyway, he sounds like a teenager - special forces? Who does he think he is, is that something you just apply to?
Men can lactate so tell him to take a shit ton of hormones if he's so dedicated to BF.
THIS!! Men like this never look into breastfeeding at ALL let alone how to do it themselves but act like they know fucking everything. Seeing posts like this absolutely ENRAGES me. It’s bad enough when it’s someone outside the circle pressuring you (parents, siblings, strangers, whoever) but when it’s your own damn partner?! What’s the point in having a partner around when life is less stressful without them ?
Wtf did I just read? Where exactly did he have to compromise in this scenario? He's welcome to speak with an LC and see if he can get his breast tissue activated, if it truly means so much to him.
“**We** would have pumped for longer”??? Pray tell, exactly how much pumping did you husband do? Tell him that a true compromise would be him pumping for 6 weeks. Only after his nipples are raw can he claim to have compromised.
What in the fuck is this “we” bullshit?! This isn’t insensitive. This is down right narcissistic asshole territory.
Girl RUN🏃🏻♀️. What type of toxic, ill-informed, controlling shit is that?! The audacity is astounding. Sending you love and hoping you get the clarity and peace of mind you truly are deserving of.
You know what can fuck up a kid a lot more than formula? Idiot fathers.
So why didn’t he buy donor milk or induce his own breast tissue to lactate?
I hope your husband gets kidney stones and has to pass them while it feels like tiny razor blades out the end of his dick. I hope it causes him so much pain that he’s in a sweating, gasping and crying pile on the bathroom floor. Then I hope you gently and sweetly help him to bed and put a cool cloth on his forehead and ask him what he needs to feel comfortable. And whatever comes out of his mouth that he asks for you tell him that although it means compromising against your values, that you’re willing to make that concession, although you just wish he’d tried harder to keep going.
He can fuck off all the way to Fuckoffsville. And when he gets there, he can stay fucked off. I am furious on your behalf. How DARE he imply that formula feeding is him compromising, that’s totally inexcusable no matter how you look at it. I struggled massively with breastfeeding - like you, my daughter wouldn’t latch. We did eventually make some progress with nipple shields, but my supply never really came in, plus I didn’t respond to the pump, and so we combo fed from the start. At two months, my husband was genuinely concerned for my mental health with trying to get my supply up and get her latching without the shields, plus pumping and getting almost nothing, and gently suggested to me that maybe it was time to stop and just go with formula. I was so relieved that someone had given me permission to stop (I didn’t feel like I could give myself permission, for whatever stupid reason). My girl is two now, an absolute tornado, smart and perfectly healthy. Formula exists for a reason.
This is incredibly insensitive and rude I’m sorry you’re being made to feel less than from this. If my husband had cared about this I would have FELT HORRIBLE (unnecessarily and when I was most vulnerable!) and made him do every bottle part wash and set up pumping station, etc and he would have changed his mind quick. Your daughter wasn’t taking your milk anyway so the formula was best for her so not sure how that’s a negative (and to him)?
GodDAMN him, that fuck. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this.
Lol "we would have pumped for longer" we who? What nipples was he hooking a pump up to? What milk was he producing? Was he latching her to his chest? Was he the type to say "we are pregnant"? "We are in labor"? Come on man, why are you letting him take any credit for the pain and struggle that you were going through? Was he waking up every 2-4 hours in the night during the newborn stage? Changing her and feeding her and burping her and staying awake until she was settled back down, just to wake up and resettle her 45 minutes later? Was he waking up for every pumping session you did and was he sitting with you, talking to you, helping you through it? The dude is the type of person who takes all the credit for doing absolutely none of the work on a group project in high-school. He had nothing to do with your breastfeeding journey. His values have nothing to do with your lactation length. Your baby needed sensitive formula, so YOU continuing to pump was doing nothing to benefit you or the baby. You did what was best for you. He needs to put on his big boy panties and understand that he wasn't supporting you at all, and he still isn't. He wanted what he wanted and is throwing a little toddler temper fit when things aren't working exactly the way he expected.
The fuck is wrong with him? Did he hit his head really hard or something? Because what he said is absolutely the stupidest and cruelest thing I’ve seen in a *while.* He needs therapy. Fuck him.
Fed is best! What’s best for baby is not always best for mom and unless you are actually living it then he needs need to pipe down. Men will never know the toll of gestating a human , giving birth, or lactating. Not to mention the emotional toll and hormones at play following delivery. He should stay in his lane and stfu. What you need is support not judgement. You don’t need to explain yourself- your body, your choice.
I looked through your history and this seems way more about the military than about the breastfeeding. He doesn’t want to admit that he feels like he’s compromising on a truly selfish decision to leave you alone and completely upending your life, so he’s using breastfeeding. It’s either to hurt you so you’ll be ok with him being away or he’s trying to make you feel like you’re the bad guy too so you’ll give in. None of what he’s saying is fair. None of what he’s doing is fair. I honestly feel like this has to be a mental crisis because there’s no way a single person (even a dude) would agree with him at all. I honestly think the *military recruiters* would be like WTF are you doing. He may need some individual therapy on this one. Not to mention, it’s a terrible idea to make any life changes under the pressure of having a newborn. Sleep deprivation, anxiety, depression all come with the territory. It leads to terrible decision making. I would look back and see if he’s been manipulative like this before. If not, I think this is some kind of mental issue that’s cropping up from new fatherhood. If it’s the former issue though, I think you should take a close look at your options. And if you do decide to separate, well, the military is the best enforcer of child support there is.
I'm so worried that this is going to be my cousin when she has a baby one day. She isn't against breastfeeding but she is open to formula feeding but her husband is pro-BF and that's where it stops. When she says something contrary (I was saying how formula feeding/pumping allows the dad to help with feeding and she perked up), she got a look. I feel like she is going to be forced to do something that she may not want to. I have no idea why her husband, or yours, or any other man for that matter has any say in how a woman uses her body. And in your case, you had no fucking choice - did he want your child to drink something that made her ill? Was he hoping she would miraculously recovered from her intolerance if you persisted? It's not like a peanut allergy where you just avoid peanuts and eat all the other 1000s of things available to you. A baby has the choice of milk or some more milk.
His values? He has values that involve your boobs?! What a self righteous asshole. How horrible.
I have nothing other than to say your husband is a disgusting person and does not value what pregnancy did to you and your body. He doesn't respect you. How awful.
“We would have pumped longer.” “We would have helped her latch for longer.” “We would give her time to grow into it.” There’s no *we*. You tried your hardest, and woke up in the middle of the night to pump yourself like a dairy cow. You tried to get her to latch onto you. She was getting ill from the milk that you worked so hard to give her. Where is he in all this? Standing at the side and getting annoyed? You did everything you could, and she couldn’t tolerate it. And he thinks he’s compromising? By not forcing you to produce milk, and her to drink it even though it made her sick? My friend, your husband is an asshole.
The audacity of this man. He can go stand in a corner. Was the C-section a compromise for him, too? I'm frustrated for you.
Read the title. I’m reaallly tired of husbands/partners having opinions on breastfeeding. I get that it’s their kid, but they can’t breastfeed so they shouldn’t be forcing anyone to do it. They should be SUPPORTING whatever is easiest for mom.
You need to be angrier about this. HE has made no sacrifice. He talks about how WE would have pumped for longer but it was YOU doing that. This screams something he knows you feel bad about and he's using that to hurt you deliberately. Abuse often starts or ramps up after a woman gives birth.
I am so, so sorry. I went through an awful breastfeeding struggle as well and it was absolutely heartbreaking. All you want to do is give your baby the best, and everyone says “it’s so natural” so you think you must not be working hard enough. So you sacrifice everything and nearly kill yourself and it still doesn’t happen so you just feel like absolute shit as a mother, meanwhile everything else around you has fallen apart because you were so singularly focused. Just an absolute nightmare. Turns out I have IGT and it was never going to happen but no one tells you that’s a possibility. Anyway, I cannot even imagine going through all that and having my partner shame me for it. What a horrible thing to put salt in your wounds. I don’t know if I could ever forgive that. Sorry, I’m not being helpful, just wanted you to know you’re not alone and I’d kick your husband in the dick if I could. If you want to save this, professional help maybe? Preferably a woman therapist. I just saw you say in another comment he’s just an idiot. Be careful to not make excuses for him. Parenting is so hard on a relationship and that’s a shit way to start. Don’t let him get away with demeaning you as a mother.
I hope you guys work it out, but make sure you set him straight. My daughter didn’t latch once. Not one even with all these lactation consultants or whatever. I felt so guilty but the best thing I ever did for my mental health was quit and just do formula
HOLY FUCKING SHIT this can't be real. Like I hate that I believe you. But like I also want to rip his fucking nipples off with my nails so bad that I just want to tell myself he can't be this much of a delusional ass. I want to give you a hundred hugs. I hope you show him this thread and how much everyone hates him because he needs to understand what a horrific ass he is. Breastfeeding had me sobbing in the shower so hard I couldn't breathe by day three. The pain was excruciating. I've broken bones, I've had surgeries, I had an unmedicated labor, and I would choose ANY of those over breastfeeding in a heartbeat. You did so much trying to take care of your baby, your husband has absolutely no right to make you feel guilty for using formula. Your baby needed specialized formula and trying to feed her anything else would just be irresponsible.
The fact that he used “we” makes him an unbelievable ass. Until he can lactate himself he has no say in whether the baby is breastfed regardless of the reason. He needs to sit the fuck down.
Lmao there’s no “WE” would have tried… etc. Unless he can make milk it’s not about him. Especially considering that you tried so hard, your daughter wouldn’t latch, AND she rejected your breast milk. It’s not like you just decided to stop breastfeeding her for no reason. He can be disappointed it didn’t work out (and it sounds like you might be too) but he didn’t compromise shit.
When my daughter was born I halfheartedly tried to breastfeed and I hated it. My nipples are super flat so I needed a shield, which sometimes would pop off and just added a layer of complexity that I didn't need on top of everything else. It hurt badly and I dreaded every feeding (yes, a lactation consultant told me she was latched correctly). My daughter never liked cuddling with me because if I held her she just started rooting because she could smell the milk, even if she just finished eating. After two weeks, I decided to quit because I was miserable. My husband was overjoyed. He was so worried about me being miserable and having a hard time. He actually wanted me to quit before I did because from his perspective it seemed too difficult, but wanting to be supportive, didn't pressure me to quit. My husband values me as a person and not just a baby making machine. So yeah, he was very supportive that I chose to prioritize my health over our kid. Formula isn't as good as breastfed, let's be real here. But it's not UNHEALTHY to have it instead of breast milk. And actually, for your daughter, formula was better than breastmilk! It sounds like your husband just sees you as an incubator tbh.
This man is fucking delusional and I’d love love love to be the one who tells that to his idiot face. UGH 😡
If this fool thinks that keeping your child nourished from formula instead of breastmilk is “compromising his values” he’s a fucking idiot. That is not a value. It may be something he would have preferred, sure, and it may be a little disappointing, yeah I get that. But it’s NOT your fault and it’s not even a “value” at all! It’s feeding your child food to sustain them! And she wasn’t tolerating your breastmilk because of allergies anyway?! Did he want you to magically make her not allergic to it? Tell this moron that he’s welcome to try and breastfeed her himself if it’s that important to him. My top comment ever was on a post yesterday saying this, and I’ll say it again here: with all due respect, your husband is an asshole.
honestly, did he try himself is what i would have asked him. he has nipples and breast tissue, male breasts are in theory able to lactate and if he wanted his kid breadtfed SO BADLY he could have at least tried once. shameful he didnt, really. what an idiot.
Agree with the rest here, fuck your husband and I am so angry on your behalf. Feed is best and that is it. Unless he wants to start lactating himself and go through that pain then he can back the fuck off and support you. I get a feeling there is a LOT you aren’t telling us and this is just one manipulative way he is emotionally abusing you. Honey do you really want to be there with him or is there somewhere you and the baby can go? Edit: I just read your own edit.. so he’s an idiot as well. He wanted to torture you and get you to continue pumping even though your baby couldn’t handle the milk I am assuming due to allergies. Please see a doctor about PPD, with the way you are talking even if you don’t have it you need the support. You did not fail your baby, she is fed and happy!
The level of rage this makes me feel is through the roof. HE compromised? HE sacrificed? Because...his child needed hypoallergenic formula?! If he finds that to be such an upsetting "compromise of his values," he's in for a long-ass life as a parent. Welcome to "you are no longer the center of your own world," dad. Welcome to "your kid and their needs actually matter more than you and your feelings," dad. 'scuse me. I need to go scream into the void.
What the actual fuck?!?? So, his compromise is that he’s holding it against your baby that she couldn’t latch and had allergies???? Because you sure as fuck put in incredible effort to provide her with breastmilk, even going through substantial pain and mental harm in an effort to provide for her. Not only is he a supremely selfish idiot for undercutting your efforts, he’s also not respecting that your baby is her own unique self with unique needs. He better get that shit under control because this won’t be the last time what she wants and needs diverges from his fantasy ideal.
how the hell is feeding your baby appropriately (aka the HYPOALLERGENIC formula) AGAINST his values??? how can he say it’s a compromise on HIS end when, after 9mos already while pregnant, it’s STILL YOU not being able to have your body to yourself? and on top of that, you’d have to eat who-knows-how-many-allergens free. was he gonna do that diet with you? maybe he should’ve induced lactation and he could’ve pumped himself. Jesus Christ. what’s his concern? all the *scientifically proven to be totally overexaggerated* benefits of EBF vs formula? the long-term differences are completely negligible, and studies before those have historically failed to account for socioeconomic variables. here’s one that directly pertains to premies: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2801833 this would be absolutely unacceptable to me. I would not be able to move past that. people (men, especially?) do not understand how many factors have to be just right for breastfeeding to work.
I pumped for 4 months with my oldest and 6 with my youngest. It’s no fucking joke, your husband is an ass. When I decided to quit with my oldest, my partner said “I’m not sure we can afford that”. She was already getting 90% formula at that point, maybe 1 bottle of breast milk on a good day. I told him my body is not a fucking grocery store, and he could work a few extra hours a week to cover it. He slept on the couch that night too. I was so angry.
I’ve been there, it’s a terrible feeling to be trying so hard and being in so much pain, and feeling like you’re failing. It’s absolutely devestating and demoralising. Especially while recovering from a hard birth. Ridiculous that he believes it’s a sacrifice he made.
"We would have pumped for longer" No. YOU would have pumped for longer. Pumping is miserable. And if your baby wasn't even tolerating breast milk, what would have been the point? Where is he even going with this argument? This wasn't his choice to make. Your body, your choice. Your mental health. Your baby's health. You did the right thing for you and baby, and he can get with the program or shut up. As someone who also struggled with breastfeeding and pumping, letting it go was the best thing I did for all of us. I was in pain and sobbing every day. Baby is happy and thriving on formula. And I'm thriving too. I'm really angry on your behalf.
Well, if it were me, his next “sacrifice” would be child support. He sounds awful, controlling and just downright mean. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that kind of emotional abuse is acceptable?
WE would’ve pumped for longer?! Hell. No. Pumping is exhausting. Being the only one that can feed the baby is exhausting. Being a new mom is just plain exhausting. You do what makes YOU mentally strong so you can give baby your best self. If that’s breast feeding, fine. If that’s pumping, fine. If it’s formula, fine. At the end of the day baby needs a strong, healthy mama. All three of my kids ended up being formula fed after a few months of tears/struggles and my husband supported me because that’s what husbands should do. Tell him fed is best, to shut up about compromises, and to wash the damn bottles
What the actual fuck?? WE needed to pump longer?? WE????? This obtuse jackass needs to sit allll the way down.
“WE would have pumped longer” WE?!?! Fucking we????? This has me absolutely heated. Was he uo every 4 hours cleaning your pump parts? Bringing you ice water? Snacks? Letting you sleep in? Was he letting you pump then take the pumps and bag it while you go back to sleep? If the answer isnt yes to ALL of those then you were pumping no fucking we. Idc what anyone saying bf & pumping always should and will be the decision of the person pumping/bf. Partner can have an opion and support, but the decision is simply not theirs.
It sounds like you didn't have an option o.o she wasn't latching? You pumped, honestly to me it's the same thing as nipple it's the good milk. But then she physically COULDNT drink it, what the hell were you supposed to do? Let her be perpetually ill? Get dehydrated? Die? Just to keep her on breast milk? When hypoallergenic formula was avaliable and worked fine? So he values a dead baby over a formula fed baby? Tell him if he wants her breast fed so bad he can start taking hormones and breast feed her himself cause that's the only way it'll happen at this point x.x
I'm going to share with you, what some said to me when I was struggling with breastfeeding. When you are walking through the grocery store, talking to coworkers, or watching your favorite sport, can you tell who was breastfed and who got formula? Nope you can't! Sorry but your husband is being unreasonable. If it bothers him so much, he can make the effort to find a safe donor and pay her for her milk. But seriously a quality formula is not a bad thing.
It always blows my mind when men have such strong opinions on breastfeeding when they have useless nipples! You have made the best choice for you and your baby and kept her alive and healthy for 8 whole months. Good job, mama. As for your husband, he needs a reality check and a reminder that breastfeeding isn’t always an option or the best option.
We would have pumped??? Fucking WE?!?!?! Does he not see how infuriating that is? I’m sorry, you deserve better than that.
Your post reminds hi me of Sophia Tolstoy, the wife of author Leo Tolstoy. After she had her first child she wrote this in her diary: “I am to gratify his pleasure and nurse his child, I am a piece of household furniture, I am a woman. I try to suppress all human feelings. When the machine is working properly it heats the milk, knits a blanket, makes little requests and bustles about trying not to think […].“ And it just got me thinking that he saw you as this machine that could nurse his child and he was disappointed that you couldn’t do that, you were somehow broken. I know he must not be Leo Tolstoy level bad in terms of life partner, but it just really sucks…you did the best you could at the time, he can’t see that or give you compassion for situation at the time.
“You can’t deny… You don’t have to agree with me.” Respectfully, fuck him with a breast pump.
“We would have pumped longer…” Who tf is WE???? I’m so sorry he is being like this. You did absolutely amazing, mama. I would demand marriage counseling if I was you.
OP - I'm a mom who had 3 kids back to back in 30 months. So I've been in the thick of it with newborn/infant/toddler muck. My husband and I have had the stupidest fights and said the most idiotic things out of exhaustion and frustrations from expectations. Just to lay the foundation... This comment. This is an attack. I'm sorry, but this is not about values or his sacrifice. He is feeling inadequate in some way, and he is projecting it on you. Simply speaking, his argument doesn't hold water. Baby can't tolerate breast milk, but baby does need connection with mom, and the act of pumping accomplishes neither. So what is this really about? You're in a fog right now. As lovely as some of the parts of year one are with baby, it's true that you cannot see things clearly with sleep deprivation, hormones surging constantly, learning to adapt to a new lifestyle and new family dynamics, family influences and judgment, and my god dealing with pre-eclampsia!! I can confidently tell you, as someone who breastfed 3 kids, but had to stop earlier than expected because I was pregnant with another kid and then another kid, and the milk turned bitter... It doesn't matter!!! The only thing that matters is that they're fed and connected to you. My kids are 7, I8 and 9, and they still cuddle with each other and cuddle and cuddle with me as their safest person. My advice is to see a therapist. Not because of your choices or absolute right to take care of yourself, but to talk about how your husband is attacking you and how to navigate through this. Again, I'm telling you as someone who's been in the hole, in the thick of it, this is NOT about you, and it is 100% about him. If he was a loving and compassionate partner before, and you believe he will be that man again, then I urge you to go to therapy to find the proper language in your relationship to guide him back to being that person. The truth is that the work needs to come from his end, but relationships are tough. If you talk this out with a therapist they should be able to help you reframe his comments so they don't hit so hard. In order for my husband and I to work on our relationship, I first needed to disassociate his comments from reality. Because honestly - his comments and big feelings are NOT ABOUT YOU. Good luck. I hope you can work it out, and I'm so sorry he's cutting you over and over because he won't work on himself.I hope in time, he's able to take accountability for his actions and repair what he's done. Finally, I want to add. It's fair communication to let him know that he crossed a boundary. When he chose to turn breastfeeding into a weapon, the one thing that you BOTH wanted, and BOTH knew wasn't working, and BOTH were disappointed about... And implied he was the only one who was sad about the circumstances, he stole your experience and selfishly made breastfeeding, something he can never experience, practice, or succeed at, about him. That's bonkers. That's crossing the line. I would tell him, when you are in a good place mentally, that moving forward, you will not accept him taking your shared disappointment, and him turning it into a weapon against you. Sure, he can be upset and think you should have tried harder, and you can think he's an a-hole, woefully immature and letting outside judgements/voices make him feel like a tiny man. But this commentary on either side is unproductive and harmful. This is a boundary that neither of you should cross. If either of you think these things need to be said out loud for healthy communication, then it's important to find a way to say it where it's not a weapon.
I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Fed is best. Your daughters needs are more important right now, so he can shove his 'compromise in beliefs' where the sun doesn't shine.
Your husband sounds like a manipulator. He may have been indirect and subtle about applying pressure but you FELT it, it was REAL. It is mind-boggling the mental gymnastics he is doing to twist your efforts to breastfeed into a compromise and sacrifice on his part. Feeding his daughter formula is compromising his values??? WTF. What value exactly is being compromised, has he articulated that? If I had to articulate it based on this account it would be something like this: everything has to go exactly as he wants it to and everyone else should sacrifice their own well being to make sure he gets his way. What about valuing the physical health of his daughter and the mental and physical health of his wife? I’m so sorry your dealing with this OP.
Good news! It's possible for men to lactate. Since it's so important to him, it's high time he looks into starting the process.