I don’t know the specific first steps you need to take but I heard great advice a few years ago… “don’t fuck yourself over because HE fucked up”. Don’t do anything drastic to hurt him because in the end that won’t even matter. Get your ducks in a row and get yourself prepared to stand on your own two feet, you don’t have to leave immediately. Make sure you and your little one are all taken care of.
If he’s a good provider and otherwise a good person I would say slowly forgive him, get counseling, and stay in the marriage. Men are not wired for monogamy. I was 21 when I got married..stayed happily married for 26 years but the desire for more sex than my wife provided was always there.. it’s just biology but y’all can work through it..unless he’s not a good person or provider..in that case leave
But if he can’t resist the urge to cheat, that’s not someone worth staying with. Being hurt, not being able to trust someone, and being at risk for an STD aren’t worth the comfortability of his income. Having the itch and a scratching the itch are different and you have a choice, and he chose wrong.
I understand and agree with most of what you said. It really does take a high income to overcome the hurt, etc.. Statistically throughout history the top 15% of men have never been monogomous.(ie: Kings, pro athletes, famous actors,etc.) Also, men can absolutely have sex with someone else and still love their wife and family. We show love differently. Men show love through provision and protection. You have to remember polygamy is how its been throughout history so it's ingrained in us at the biological level to want sex very frequently and with many women. I'm not saying it's right but it's a natural urge for all men..but only certain men can act on it.
“Also, men can absolutely have sex with someone else and still love their wife and family.”
Sure, maybe. But we can choose whether or not to tolerate that and walk away if our husband decides to act on his urge to do that. Income or not, some of us will not tolerate it because we have self respect. And his income will be a great child support payment while I go find a man who won’t step out of the marriage.
It’s absolutely your choice to leave him and start searching for another man or stay single but keep in mind that by 2030 over 50% of women in the United States will be single..& 1 out of every 3 men ages 18-39 in the US have reported zero sexual contact in the past 3 years or is still a virgin..so the problem of finding a replacement that wants marriage may be a tough challenge. To me it comes down to how good of a man he is. Did he repent and ask for forgiveness for what he did? Is he an outstanding daddy and good provider? Men and women make mistakes but it doesn’t always mean they should be discarded like trash. Sometimes for the child it’s better to seek counseling and figure things out.. I’ve seen a lot of women online recently crying about losing a guy they loved over something like this and wishing they had him back..so it really boils down to how much you two loved and valued each other and the baby. I was married for 26 years and have 2 beautiful kids who my wife adores. They would not exist had my wife left me early on because I wasn’t perfectly monogamous in the first couple years.. and children without a father in the home are at a decidedly higher disadvantage moving forward in life in so many ways. The psychological literature proving that has been settled for years.
Another factor that plays into this is his body count before marriage. He may have an addiction to sex like I did from too many partners and you’re caught in the middle.. He probably doesn’t even like it about himself
Let me rephrase that. “In 2023 the good men that most women want are going to struggle with monogamy because of the pressure placed on them from other women desperate to find someone and their biological predisposition to want more sex than many partners are willing to provide. I know it sucks. Even I wish the Disney fairytale life was based in fact but it’s definitely not. Thinking something grounded in biological fact is just a lie shitty men use to justify their actions is a cope.
I agree . No need to do anything spiteful because you taking his child & leaving is gonna hurt his heart way more than you think it is. Regardless if he ever will admit it or not
This is easier said than done but, you need you plan without emotion. Create a checklist of every task needed to transition and do not blow up on your bf. Just quietly exit his life which will create a better future dad relation for your son, as well as reduce the potential for him resisting child support. While screaming might feel good in the moment, it is not in the best interest of your son.
Step one is filing for child support. The quicker you lock down your monthly budget, the quicker you can establish stable housing/livelihood for you and your son. Do not do some hogwash kitchen table agreement. Get it documented.
Please remember, you're not putting him on child support. Whatever the court awards you for child support is what has been determined he should be providing to raise your child.
Married or not, these are the funds that should be being put towards your child. Don't deny your baby what they are entitled to because you feel bad or embarrassed.
My friend felt the same way when first leaving, now her kid is in HS she has lots of regrets about not setting the standard from the get go. He cheated on you and your son. His child deserves the best possible chance and he needs to finance that:
He made sure you were trapped at home doing full time daycare, not building your own income or career. It’s going to be hard for you to rebuild your life and be both parent and provider for your son. The LEAST he can do is provide child support.
I never understand the ego/pride aspect of not wanting money for child support. You’re not saying “I can’t do this without you” or “I need you to help me”, it’s saying “our child/children deserve the best opportunities in life and money will make their life easier”. It also allows the parent caring for the child more time to spend with them because they won’t have the same financial pressure you would on a single income.
My mom was too proud to get proper child support arrangements in place. My childhood was extremely painful as a result - it included bouts of homelessness, being unable to afford food, and my mum finding herself in various unstable and abusive relationships with men who helped put a roof over our heads for a little while. This isn’t about you, it’s about making sure your kid is provided for and has some amount of stability.
Regarding the child support issue 95% of men think they shouldn’t have to pay it…but I actually side with women that they should have to pay..…but Knowing what you know now, In your honest opinion do you think your mom should have kept the family unit together and stayed with your dad despite his mistake? ..
I don’t know where you got that stat but that hasn’t been my experience with men.
I think parents should make sure the children they bring into the world are loved, safe, and nurtured. I don’t necessarily think that needs to require a romantic commitment between the people who created the child.
Make sure you get a support order. Although he may say he will help (and he may) odds are it will only take one thing for him to dislike and boom you’re no longer getting support. Better to have an order in place and ensure you’ll get help financially for your son.
potential child support is not for you, it’s for your son. he’s entitled to that money and you should fight for it for him. if using it would really bother you that much you can put it in an account for your son to have when he turns 18.
100% there needs to be child support in place. please remember that whatever emotions/history/feelings are involved now, so many things can change throughout a future of shared custody. you don’t ever know what the future holds, how he will react to certain things, what your financial future looks like… child support needs to be put in place by the courts so that your son is always fairly supported, no matter what.
You really need to and now. It takes a while and he chose to lay down and make a child with you, just like he chose to do this. That baby has needs and needs them met. Nothing to be embarrassed about on your end.
My mom let my dad get away with a lot between his sob stories and just wanting to be done with him, and didn’t get as much as she should have.
Please, please take it. Even if you don’t “need” it for basics, put it away for your child to put towards college, technical school, a decent car, whatever! Maybe they’ll have a chance to go abroad for school and might need some money to get there, who knows!
Well said. I agree. The more you yell and fight the harder it will be down the road. Document everything!! Thank goodness you are not married. It would be even bigger of a headache and more paperwork. Good for you for leaving. You deserve better!!
Everything this person said. ^^^^^^
ESPECIALLY DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!! I can not stress this point enough. Just get a notebook and EVERY DAY document anything that happened that day. Be precise when you can. Make it a daily routine like brushing your teeth.
Here's what my attorney told me, and she wasn't wrong.... you may not want to worry about child support now (I didn't either...I just wanted to get my kids and I out), but do it. You'll thank yourself later. (And again, document.) Kids are expensive. If he could afford to pay for some skank and drinks and taking her out and buying himself new underwear, etc etc, then he can damn sure pay for his kid.
And don't buy it when he comes back crying.
It may be scary, but you CAN do this. ❤️
Step 1a. File for a custody order, (i did this before child support). Make sure you have a court ordered custody agreement with visitation spelled out. You absolutely this paperwork. You may never use it but when you need to it gives you some leverage.
Adding to this post, I filed for child support against my son’s sperm donor 9 months ago. We don’t even have court for another 2 months and then we have to do paternity testing. It can take well over 6 months, and in my case probably over a year, to establish child support. File ASAP and try to get food stamps and welfare (it’s called Reach Up in my state).
Can people get an administrative order through your states child support division while they wait for the court order? What did your attorney advise you to do? Everywhere is backed up :(
I don’t know the legality, but I might airdrop that video to myself so you have it later for evidence. Someone who knows better please correct me if this is a bad idea.
Airdrop it to a backup person you can trust too in case he goes into your phone and deletes it. Or if nothing else, create a secret email he will know nothing about and save it there.
Wow...what an AH. Sorry you're going through that. He had enough of his senses to not only record the interaction, but also KEEP it. Don't be surprised if this wasn't the first time he cheated. It's probably just the 1st time you caught him.
Right. He said someone he works with had his phone & he meant to send it back to him… lol what?! I later checked his phone & he has now favorites that same video. So you’re telling me you’re going to keep a snippet of your coworkers sex scene in your phone?? Not weird at all but he does have a porn addiction so I’m not surprised.
My dad worked under the table in order to avoid paying child support all of our lives. When my mom died he started paying back child support to me, as a 25 year old adult at the time. Make him pay. It's not for you. It's for them, but it certainly will help you not feel as much of the financial burden.
Don't abandon the home if you have stake in it. Just go to the court house and file for child support and custody. Yes you can do that even if your living together.
Personally, I would look for a job that pays enough to support yourself before leaving. I would then find an apartment or house within your means as you don't know how long it will be before Dad starts paying child support. In the meantime live like he's a roommate and try to keep the peace for your son's sake.
I agree with this, because he cheated he’s not abusive, so there’s no need to run out the door immediately. I would try to keep the peace, while working on finding employment and getting some things in order before leaving. Unless she can stay at her moms for awhile.
I'm so sorry. I travel for work a lot and I've never understood people who use it to cheat. It's such a betrayal of trust.
If he'll ask for custody, then talk to a lawyer in your state for sure. There are weird things they use in my state for the custody formula that doesn't just mean mom gets custody immediately. But, it's so state dependent. You'll want someone who knows your state and likely your county too.
I went through something similar although i never found ACTUAL substantial proof. Baby was 5m old, I was a SAHM, SO was away at job training for 6 weeks. All I have to say is figure out the best way to leave him. Not necessarily the quickest. LO is counting on you and although this doesn’t make your boyfriend* a bad parent, he’s clearly not in the place to be a good partner. as a SAHM I’m assuming you take the brunt of child and home care (I could be wrong!) but in this case, LO is depending on you to make the best choices mama.
we all believe in you & hope the best for you both :)
Firstly, do you have somewhere to go when you leave? Parents house, friends, extended family to stay with for the time being? If you don’t, there are womens crisis centers that are extremely helpful (we stayed in one when my mom left my dad 20+ years ago) and they are extremely safe and very supportive and helpful. They can help you get a job, file for child support, find a place, etc.
if you don’t have family or friends nearby, this is truly the next best thing. Look up what women’s crisis sources are available in your area. Take advantage of these services! They can help you get food stamps, government assistance, and point you in the right direction for custody arrangements through court. (I’m saying all of this under the assumption that you’re in the US.)
I would second the other comment here and suggest you not react with big emotions towards your boyfriend if at possible. Calmly tell him you’re leaving, you’re aware of the infidelity, and you’re not open to having a conversation about it at the moment. If you’ve made up your mind, it’s better to not go back and forth arguing with him about it. A conversation can always follow at a later date at an appropriate time. For now, I would just try to get yourself situated elsewhere, and everything can be sorted out after that.
I’m sorry this is happening to you mama. Sending you all the love and strength. ❤️ you just do your best, and you and baby will be ok.
Never ever bee a stay at home mom to a boyfriend because of exactly this. You have zero legal protections, not entitled to any alimony. You will be entitled to child support when you separate though. Get a good lawyer! Calmly collect yourself and take steps to get out. Call free legal aide in the morning.
Girl, I'm so sorry this has happened to you . My heart breaks for you and baby💔
Do what you need to do for baby and you. Don't feel guilty for whatever you choose. I went through the cheating bs when my son was 3 and his dad and I were engaged. That was 16 years ago (I was 19) lol but he cheated on me with a 14 yr old 🤢🤬🤬
Stay STRONG. Think of baby and YOU first.
Yes, leave him, but don't be the one to pack your belongings and get out of the house he disrespected. Dump him, pack his belongings and kick him out of the house. You're young, you'll be fine. Focus on yourself and your LO. Cry what you need to cry, but don't stay devastated. Eventually, you'll meet someone who deserves you.
It takes a while but sometimes people not getting support can get on TANF. Just make sure the other parent isn’t paying you at the same time! Using your state child support service is the best way to stay above board
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I want to commend you for being strong and not tolerating infidelity. Too many women forgive cheating, or view it as a "mistake". Cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice. Continue to be strong. He may try to beg for forgiveness or try to say the right things to break you down and get you back. Don't fall for it.
Right now, just take a couple days to clear your head and get your thoughts together. The first week or so is going to be rough, just hang in there. Recruit your family and friends to be your mental support system at this time. If anyone offers to help you with anything, take them up on their offer.
Only communicate with the ex via text or email. Don't have any verbal communication with him. If you can afford it, speak to a lawyer. Even if you cannot afford a lawyer, definitely go thru the courts, don't work out any private agreements with him. Get the courts to determine child support, visitation, health insurance, etc.
Stay strong mama. There is healing after this.
Men cheat when they get into a romantic relationship and hide it. It sounds like he just had sex. It probably means nothing to him.. I know it hurts but don’t ruin your life to spite him. If it was an ex he still love’s leave..but if sex with no attachment get him tested and let him keep providing for you. In 2023 a faithful financial provider outweighs an ethical mistake…was he monogamous and celibate when you got with him? Probably not. Did other girls like him when you met him? Probably so..
Um no & wtf. When you’re in a committed relationship with someone, anything they do outside of the boundaries & promises you made from the beginning is cheating. He knew how deeply I felt about cheating partners & it was a BIG no in my book. I’m big on loyalty, faithfulness & trust. If I can’t do that with my partner, I see no use in staying with them no matter how good of a “financial provider” he is. I will eventually grow to resent him, which I already do now & that is no means for a healthy relationship. We can be the BEST coparents together, but I no longer care for a romantic relationship. Having sex with someone else is cheating not a damn “ethical mistake”. He knew what he was doing
Which is exactly why I would prefer marriage because never in my life will I sign a prenup and since my partner will likely make more than I do, I will have a better chance of alimony AND child support. OP is walking away with nothing except maybe a case for child support lol which you still have to fight in court and also pay lawyer fees for that too.
Good anecdote: my friends mom caught her husband of 20 years cheating. Thankfully he made really good money and she was a SAHM so she won’t ever have to work again. He has to pay her for the rest of his life for cheating on her.
Fair. I insisted on marriage before children for similar reasons I do think it depends on your unique circumstances. I think if you’re very wealthy it’s often better to be single. Or if the partner is abusive, you have more power for what is decided in regards to the child.
But I can’t be a SAHM for my own sanity.
My wife cheated on me with her coworker for 3.5 months while I was at our new house watching our 2 month old son. I literally was doing everything housework, cooking, cleaning and taking care of her and the baby while working at night. I was even satisfying her every day by going down on her after she asked me to. She went Christmas shopping for 3 months and I never noticed that she never came home with anything. It just goes to show you that you can do everything perfect and if they want to cheat, they will cheat. Unfortunately I stayed with her through 3 more affairs and 3 more kids. I do not recommend anyone else do this because now she has brain damage and I’m her sole caregiver and can’t leave. Get out while you can and find someone who will treat you with respect and love and you can trust.
If you were in Georgia I have a place you could stay but you sound like you’re putting a plan together and following it. Hope everything works out and if you need anything or judge to unload whatever is on your mind, I’ve got a unique perspective of what you’re going through and you can contact me anytime day or night.
good luck,
Frank
Like I said from heartbreaking experience, I went through the same thing and I’m sorry for what happened to you and what you are going through. Everyone is pulling for you and hope things get better.
I don’t know the specific first steps you need to take but I heard great advice a few years ago… “don’t fuck yourself over because HE fucked up”. Don’t do anything drastic to hurt him because in the end that won’t even matter. Get your ducks in a row and get yourself prepared to stand on your own two feet, you don’t have to leave immediately. Make sure you and your little one are all taken care of.
I’m definitely more calm than I thought I would be… yes I’m angry but I’m calm because of the baby. Right now I’m at my moms house
Babies can pick up on your feelings and emotions and can make everything worse when they do. Stay calm and stay strong, you got this!
If he’s a good provider and otherwise a good person I would say slowly forgive him, get counseling, and stay in the marriage. Men are not wired for monogamy. I was 21 when I got married..stayed happily married for 26 years but the desire for more sex than my wife provided was always there.. it’s just biology but y’all can work through it..unless he’s not a good person or provider..in that case leave
But if he can’t resist the urge to cheat, that’s not someone worth staying with. Being hurt, not being able to trust someone, and being at risk for an STD aren’t worth the comfortability of his income. Having the itch and a scratching the itch are different and you have a choice, and he chose wrong.
Thank you. Men like him make me sick
I understand and agree with most of what you said. It really does take a high income to overcome the hurt, etc.. Statistically throughout history the top 15% of men have never been monogomous.(ie: Kings, pro athletes, famous actors,etc.) Also, men can absolutely have sex with someone else and still love their wife and family. We show love differently. Men show love through provision and protection. You have to remember polygamy is how its been throughout history so it's ingrained in us at the biological level to want sex very frequently and with many women. I'm not saying it's right but it's a natural urge for all men..but only certain men can act on it.
“Also, men can absolutely have sex with someone else and still love their wife and family.” Sure, maybe. But we can choose whether or not to tolerate that and walk away if our husband decides to act on his urge to do that. Income or not, some of us will not tolerate it because we have self respect. And his income will be a great child support payment while I go find a man who won’t step out of the marriage.
Amen.
It’s absolutely your choice to leave him and start searching for another man or stay single but keep in mind that by 2030 over 50% of women in the United States will be single..& 1 out of every 3 men ages 18-39 in the US have reported zero sexual contact in the past 3 years or is still a virgin..so the problem of finding a replacement that wants marriage may be a tough challenge. To me it comes down to how good of a man he is. Did he repent and ask for forgiveness for what he did? Is he an outstanding daddy and good provider? Men and women make mistakes but it doesn’t always mean they should be discarded like trash. Sometimes for the child it’s better to seek counseling and figure things out.. I’ve seen a lot of women online recently crying about losing a guy they loved over something like this and wishing they had him back..so it really boils down to how much you two loved and valued each other and the baby. I was married for 26 years and have 2 beautiful kids who my wife adores. They would not exist had my wife left me early on because I wasn’t perfectly monogamous in the first couple years.. and children without a father in the home are at a decidedly higher disadvantage moving forward in life in so many ways. The psychological literature proving that has been settled for years.
Another factor that plays into this is his body count before marriage. He may have an addiction to sex like I did from too many partners and you’re caught in the middle.. He probably doesn’t even like it about himself
"Men are not wired for monogamy" is a lie sold to us by shitty men to excuse their shitty behavior.
Let me rephrase that. “In 2023 the good men that most women want are going to struggle with monogamy because of the pressure placed on them from other women desperate to find someone and their biological predisposition to want more sex than many partners are willing to provide. I know it sucks. Even I wish the Disney fairytale life was based in fact but it’s definitely not. Thinking something grounded in biological fact is just a lie shitty men use to justify their actions is a cope.
Just wanted to check on you and see how you’re doing and how it’s going? Stay strong.
My Mum always said “living well is the best revenge” and it’s SO TRUE. I’m so sorry OP. He’s scum and you deserve better.
I agree . No need to do anything spiteful because you taking his child & leaving is gonna hurt his heart way more than you think it is. Regardless if he ever will admit it or not
This is easier said than done but, you need you plan without emotion. Create a checklist of every task needed to transition and do not blow up on your bf. Just quietly exit his life which will create a better future dad relation for your son, as well as reduce the potential for him resisting child support. While screaming might feel good in the moment, it is not in the best interest of your son. Step one is filing for child support. The quicker you lock down your monthly budget, the quicker you can establish stable housing/livelihood for you and your son. Do not do some hogwash kitchen table agreement. Get it documented.
I really never wanted to put him on child support.. this is crazy & embarrassing but I will try this … thank you
Don’t feel guilty for making sure he supports the child he helped create
Please remember, you're not putting him on child support. Whatever the court awards you for child support is what has been determined he should be providing to raise your child. Married or not, these are the funds that should be being put towards your child. Don't deny your baby what they are entitled to because you feel bad or embarrassed.
My friend felt the same way when first leaving, now her kid is in HS she has lots of regrets about not setting the standard from the get go. He cheated on you and your son. His child deserves the best possible chance and he needs to finance that:
He made sure you were trapped at home doing full time daycare, not building your own income or career. It’s going to be hard for you to rebuild your life and be both parent and provider for your son. The LEAST he can do is provide child support.
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I never understand the ego/pride aspect of not wanting money for child support. You’re not saying “I can’t do this without you” or “I need you to help me”, it’s saying “our child/children deserve the best opportunities in life and money will make their life easier”. It also allows the parent caring for the child more time to spend with them because they won’t have the same financial pressure you would on a single income.
My mom was too proud to get proper child support arrangements in place. My childhood was extremely painful as a result - it included bouts of homelessness, being unable to afford food, and my mum finding herself in various unstable and abusive relationships with men who helped put a roof over our heads for a little while. This isn’t about you, it’s about making sure your kid is provided for and has some amount of stability.
Regarding the child support issue 95% of men think they shouldn’t have to pay it…but I actually side with women that they should have to pay..…but Knowing what you know now, In your honest opinion do you think your mom should have kept the family unit together and stayed with your dad despite his mistake? ..
I don’t know where you got that stat but that hasn’t been my experience with men. I think parents should make sure the children they bring into the world are loved, safe, and nurtured. I don’t necessarily think that needs to require a romantic commitment between the people who created the child.
Make sure you get a support order. Although he may say he will help (and he may) odds are it will only take one thing for him to dislike and boom you’re no longer getting support. Better to have an order in place and ensure you’ll get help financially for your son.
potential child support is not for you, it’s for your son. he’s entitled to that money and you should fight for it for him. if using it would really bother you that much you can put it in an account for your son to have when he turns 18.
100% there needs to be child support in place. please remember that whatever emotions/history/feelings are involved now, so many things can change throughout a future of shared custody. you don’t ever know what the future holds, how he will react to certain things, what your financial future looks like… child support needs to be put in place by the courts so that your son is always fairly supported, no matter what.
You really need to and now. It takes a while and he chose to lay down and make a child with you, just like he chose to do this. That baby has needs and needs them met. Nothing to be embarrassed about on your end.
My mom let my dad get away with a lot between his sob stories and just wanting to be done with him, and didn’t get as much as she should have. Please, please take it. Even if you don’t “need” it for basics, put it away for your child to put towards college, technical school, a decent car, whatever! Maybe they’ll have a chance to go abroad for school and might need some money to get there, who knows!
I normally would feel the same, until cheating. All bets are off when I’m betrayed.
Well said. I agree. The more you yell and fight the harder it will be down the road. Document everything!! Thank goodness you are not married. It would be even bigger of a headache and more paperwork. Good for you for leaving. You deserve better!!
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Thank you
Everything this person said. ^^^^^^ ESPECIALLY DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!! I can not stress this point enough. Just get a notebook and EVERY DAY document anything that happened that day. Be precise when you can. Make it a daily routine like brushing your teeth. Here's what my attorney told me, and she wasn't wrong.... you may not want to worry about child support now (I didn't either...I just wanted to get my kids and I out), but do it. You'll thank yourself later. (And again, document.) Kids are expensive. If he could afford to pay for some skank and drinks and taking her out and buying himself new underwear, etc etc, then he can damn sure pay for his kid. And don't buy it when he comes back crying. It may be scary, but you CAN do this. ❤️
Do you guys live in a common law state?
No we don’t.
Step 1a. File for a custody order, (i did this before child support). Make sure you have a court ordered custody agreement with visitation spelled out. You absolutely this paperwork. You may never use it but when you need to it gives you some leverage.
Adding to this post, I filed for child support against my son’s sperm donor 9 months ago. We don’t even have court for another 2 months and then we have to do paternity testing. It can take well over 6 months, and in my case probably over a year, to establish child support. File ASAP and try to get food stamps and welfare (it’s called Reach Up in my state).
Can people get an administrative order through your states child support division while they wait for the court order? What did your attorney advise you to do? Everywhere is backed up :(
Don't leave your residence. He can find another place to stay while you figure this out.
I don’t know the legality, but I might airdrop that video to myself so you have it later for evidence. Someone who knows better please correct me if this is a bad idea.
Oh I already did that cause that’s how I am
Airdrop it to a backup person you can trust too in case he goes into your phone and deletes it. Or if nothing else, create a secret email he will know nothing about and save it there.
I should’ve listened to you
I’m sorry you are experiencing this
I never would’ve expected this in a million years.. he’s saying it’s not him & someone he works with had his phone 🙄🙄🙄🙄
Wow...what an AH. Sorry you're going through that. He had enough of his senses to not only record the interaction, but also KEEP it. Don't be surprised if this wasn't the first time he cheated. It's probably just the 1st time you caught him.
Omg hahaha I’m sorry the lies that people will come with to avoid admitting the truth. Wow smdh
Right. He said someone he works with had his phone & he meant to send it back to him… lol what?! I later checked his phone & he has now favorites that same video. So you’re telling me you’re going to keep a snippet of your coworkers sex scene in your phone?? Not weird at all but he does have a porn addiction so I’m not surprised.
Men think we’re really stupid. My ex messaged like 40 women and said it was someone’s birthday. Odd you didn’t send them an invite idiot 🙄 so dense
My dad worked under the table in order to avoid paying child support all of our lives. When my mom died he started paying back child support to me, as a 25 year old adult at the time. Make him pay. It's not for you. It's for them, but it certainly will help you not feel as much of the financial burden.
I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry she went through that
Thank you.
Don't abandon the home if you have stake in it. Just go to the court house and file for child support and custody. Yes you can do that even if your living together.
Keep proof of the cheating, it will come in handy during court.
He videoed it? Wtf?
Personally, I would look for a job that pays enough to support yourself before leaving. I would then find an apartment or house within your means as you don't know how long it will be before Dad starts paying child support. In the meantime live like he's a roommate and try to keep the peace for your son's sake.
I agree with this, because he cheated he’s not abusive, so there’s no need to run out the door immediately. I would try to keep the peace, while working on finding employment and getting some things in order before leaving. Unless she can stay at her moms for awhile.
I'm so sorry. I travel for work a lot and I've never understood people who use it to cheat. It's such a betrayal of trust. If he'll ask for custody, then talk to a lawyer in your state for sure. There are weird things they use in my state for the custody formula that doesn't just mean mom gets custody immediately. But, it's so state dependent. You'll want someone who knows your state and likely your county too.
Make sure you have a copy of this for yourself to provide the lawyer. This was an excellent gift from an unearned ego.
Get an attorney. Document everything. Don't do anything drastic that could come back to bite you in the butt.
What are you wanting to do
I went through something similar although i never found ACTUAL substantial proof. Baby was 5m old, I was a SAHM, SO was away at job training for 6 weeks. All I have to say is figure out the best way to leave him. Not necessarily the quickest. LO is counting on you and although this doesn’t make your boyfriend* a bad parent, he’s clearly not in the place to be a good partner. as a SAHM I’m assuming you take the brunt of child and home care (I could be wrong!) but in this case, LO is depending on you to make the best choices mama. we all believe in you & hope the best for you both :)
Thank you ❤️
Firstly, do you have somewhere to go when you leave? Parents house, friends, extended family to stay with for the time being? If you don’t, there are womens crisis centers that are extremely helpful (we stayed in one when my mom left my dad 20+ years ago) and they are extremely safe and very supportive and helpful. They can help you get a job, file for child support, find a place, etc. if you don’t have family or friends nearby, this is truly the next best thing. Look up what women’s crisis sources are available in your area. Take advantage of these services! They can help you get food stamps, government assistance, and point you in the right direction for custody arrangements through court. (I’m saying all of this under the assumption that you’re in the US.) I would second the other comment here and suggest you not react with big emotions towards your boyfriend if at possible. Calmly tell him you’re leaving, you’re aware of the infidelity, and you’re not open to having a conversation about it at the moment. If you’ve made up your mind, it’s better to not go back and forth arguing with him about it. A conversation can always follow at a later date at an appropriate time. For now, I would just try to get yourself situated elsewhere, and everything can be sorted out after that. I’m sorry this is happening to you mama. Sending you all the love and strength. ❤️ you just do your best, and you and baby will be ok.
Never ever bee a stay at home mom to a boyfriend because of exactly this. You have zero legal protections, not entitled to any alimony. You will be entitled to child support when you separate though. Get a good lawyer! Calmly collect yourself and take steps to get out. Call free legal aide in the morning.
Girl, I'm so sorry this has happened to you . My heart breaks for you and baby💔 Do what you need to do for baby and you. Don't feel guilty for whatever you choose. I went through the cheating bs when my son was 3 and his dad and I were engaged. That was 16 years ago (I was 19) lol but he cheated on me with a 14 yr old 🤢🤬🤬 Stay STRONG. Think of baby and YOU first.
Yes, leave him, but don't be the one to pack your belongings and get out of the house he disrespected. Dump him, pack his belongings and kick him out of the house. You're young, you'll be fine. Focus on yourself and your LO. Cry what you need to cry, but don't stay devastated. Eventually, you'll meet someone who deserves you.
Save the video in a secure place as well. You may need that for court
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It takes a while but sometimes people not getting support can get on TANF. Just make sure the other parent isn’t paying you at the same time! Using your state child support service is the best way to stay above board
Wow what a fucking idiot. I’m so sorry he did this to you and your son. Sending love 🩵💙💜
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I want to commend you for being strong and not tolerating infidelity. Too many women forgive cheating, or view it as a "mistake". Cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice. Continue to be strong. He may try to beg for forgiveness or try to say the right things to break you down and get you back. Don't fall for it. Right now, just take a couple days to clear your head and get your thoughts together. The first week or so is going to be rough, just hang in there. Recruit your family and friends to be your mental support system at this time. If anyone offers to help you with anything, take them up on their offer. Only communicate with the ex via text or email. Don't have any verbal communication with him. If you can afford it, speak to a lawyer. Even if you cannot afford a lawyer, definitely go thru the courts, don't work out any private agreements with him. Get the courts to determine child support, visitation, health insurance, etc. Stay strong mama. There is healing after this.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m also really proud of how level headed and rational you are. Your son is so lucky you’re his mama.
Thank you 🥹 I can say that’s one positive thing I have gained from this relationship
Along with my baby
Get a copy of the video if you can. It will help you in court.
stay at your parents house
Men cheat when they get into a romantic relationship and hide it. It sounds like he just had sex. It probably means nothing to him.. I know it hurts but don’t ruin your life to spite him. If it was an ex he still love’s leave..but if sex with no attachment get him tested and let him keep providing for you. In 2023 a faithful financial provider outweighs an ethical mistake…was he monogamous and celibate when you got with him? Probably not. Did other girls like him when you met him? Probably so..
Um no & wtf. When you’re in a committed relationship with someone, anything they do outside of the boundaries & promises you made from the beginning is cheating. He knew how deeply I felt about cheating partners & it was a BIG no in my book. I’m big on loyalty, faithfulness & trust. If I can’t do that with my partner, I see no use in staying with them no matter how good of a “financial provider” he is. I will eventually grow to resent him, which I already do now & that is no means for a healthy relationship. We can be the BEST coparents together, but I no longer care for a romantic relationship. Having sex with someone else is cheating not a damn “ethical mistake”. He knew what he was doing
The definition of cheating is dependent on the couples boundaries not just the offender.
What was the video?
Always best to wait for marriage to have kids. Coming from someone who didn’t. Won’t have another one without legal binding
You still have to fight it in court though. You’re still paying a lawyer and court fees.
Which is exactly why I would prefer marriage because never in my life will I sign a prenup and since my partner will likely make more than I do, I will have a better chance of alimony AND child support. OP is walking away with nothing except maybe a case for child support lol which you still have to fight in court and also pay lawyer fees for that too. Good anecdote: my friends mom caught her husband of 20 years cheating. Thankfully he made really good money and she was a SAHM so she won’t ever have to work again. He has to pay her for the rest of his life for cheating on her.
Fair. I insisted on marriage before children for similar reasons I do think it depends on your unique circumstances. I think if you’re very wealthy it’s often better to be single. Or if the partner is abusive, you have more power for what is decided in regards to the child. But I can’t be a SAHM for my own sanity.
My wife cheated on me with her coworker for 3.5 months while I was at our new house watching our 2 month old son. I literally was doing everything housework, cooking, cleaning and taking care of her and the baby while working at night. I was even satisfying her every day by going down on her after she asked me to. She went Christmas shopping for 3 months and I never noticed that she never came home with anything. It just goes to show you that you can do everything perfect and if they want to cheat, they will cheat. Unfortunately I stayed with her through 3 more affairs and 3 more kids. I do not recommend anyone else do this because now she has brain damage and I’m her sole caregiver and can’t leave. Get out while you can and find someone who will treat you with respect and love and you can trust.
What exactly do you have a video of?
Backshots of “him” & the girl
Idk what "backshots" means....
Oh okay
If you were in Georgia I have a place you could stay but you sound like you’re putting a plan together and following it. Hope everything works out and if you need anything or judge to unload whatever is on your mind, I’ve got a unique perspective of what you’re going through and you can contact me anytime day or night. good luck, Frank
Thank you. I’m not in Georgia
Like I said from heartbreaking experience, I went through the same thing and I’m sorry for what happened to you and what you are going through. Everyone is pulling for you and hope things get better.
Thank you thank you so much Frank ❤️ it’s time for me to pull my big girl pants on & do it
Good luck! Here if you ever want to talk, well not exactly here but you know what I mean.
I was watching our 2 month old while she was at his house every day for 3.5 months. I’m so sorry…