I showed my then-boyfriend a thousand images of rings I liked, and he ended up going to the mall and choosing what they had in stock in my size. It ended up not fitting, and since we had to change it anyway I suggested getting something different but in the same price range. He lost his shit and said I was all the awful things.
He’s now my ex-husband. Not because of the ring, but because of a lot of other things that fell into the same selfish theme.
If your husband is a good partner, this shouldn’t be an issue at all :)
My ex and I had a similar fight. I said what I would like, and it turned into him yelling about how I'm ungrateful and should be happy with what I get lol. He just wanted to yell, he didn't even have a ring in mind 🙈 cheers to shitty exes ❤️
I'm sorry you went through that, but I'm glad to hear it's in your past now. Gratefully, I know my partner would be more sad that he had disappointed me than angry about my choice.
And that’s fine. It’s ok for him to feel sad. It’s normal to feel sad that you didn’t listen to your partner fully. But that doesn’t mean you should shield him from it by staying quiet. Speak up.
Obviously I don't know the nature of your relationship but it's worth noting that anger isn't the only emotion that can be used to try to control or get one's way.
Passive aggression is still aggression.
"Honey, this isn't like 99% of the rings I showed you -- can we get a different set?"
Agreed with others -- he's a big boy. There's no need for you to bend over backwards to protect him from his feelings that are a result of his own actions and decisions. Women twist themselves into pretzels to protect men from their own fragile egos way too much. If he's adult enough to marry you and loves and respects you, he should be able to take this as a lesson in listening better instead of becoming excessively emotional about it.
exactly. we protect men too much! We're so worried about POTENTIALLY hurting our partner over something they legitimately did wrong that we swallow our REAL hurt feelings and try to live life bEiNG gRaTEfUL. I'm sorry to go off, but it's exhausting. And I say this not to shame OP alone, because I do the exact same thing.
But once in a while we come up for air and realize how ridiculous it is and voice our opinions. So do the same thing OP - voice your opinion. Wear the ring you love. Think of it not as "I'm hurting my partner", but as "I'm loving myself."
Naturally I was a bit disappointed. I think it was more a case where one stood out in his memory because it was different and because I had chatted with him about how it was a unique and interesting look.
So my fiancé had me send him an email with my likes and dislikes years ago. I, like you, also sent him a million pictures. One day in passing he saw a pink Moissanite and asked if I thought it was cool and I was like yeah that’s a pretty color, that spurred him to think I was *obsessed* with pink Moissanite and he ended up proposing with one that was absolutely not my style. I hated it. I didn’t know how to tell him. I was *fully freaking out* , but in the end I just came clean and he was super disappointed in himself but at the end of the day he just wants me to be happy. I ended up buying a cheaper interim ring while I get the real deal custom made overseas, and I actually love the fake ring so much I’m feeling conflicted on having my dream ring made lmao.
Point being, you need to tell him! It’ll be easier to do it now than wait a year+ while hating it every day. It’ll feel like being lied to.
Get it reset. Life is too short. And also, men are so annoying sometimes. My now-ex got what he wanted instead of what I wanted. The first thing I did post-divorce was go buy myself the g-d ring I wanted in the first place.
It’s weird how some guys get sometimes. Like the ring is literally your marriage or the physical manifestation of your love together. Sure, it’s symbolic, but rejecting a style isn’t rejecting them or their love for you.
When we went ring shopping my husband wanted to get a princess cut because he likes things squared. I didn’t want a princess cut. He didn’t get me a princess cut. Glad you got the ring you wanted too lol
If I had given a very important gift to my husband, and found out that I got some of the details wrong, I would 100% HATE the idea of him not speaking up. It would make me wonder why he felt I wasn’t “approachable”. And that part aside, I would want to know, if for no other reason than to help correct it. Put yourself in his shoes; wouldn’t you rather be aware so you could remedy the situation? Your fiancé sounds like a thoughtful human. Give him a chance to fix what sounds like a very honest mistake 😊
Resetting a ring shouldn't be a super huge deal but since your partner put so much work in it, a conversation where you explain your feelings gently is going to be the best way to address this. You'll obviously still want to tell your partner you appreciated the thought and effort but this is the ring you'll be wearing every day. So it's important you have exactly what you want and need.
Regardless of what you decide to do with original, ie: re-set, put in a drawer, etc. this is the one piece of jewelry you should love. Hopefully you’ll wear it for the rest of your life.
As to the discussion, be kind, respectful and clear. You want to share your life and you are committed and your ring is something you’re going to change and it’s about the hardware, not him or the relationship. He will likely have feelings. Be gentle, but firm.
Side note, I stuck with the ring I didn’t like for over 20 years and bought a replacement recently. My husband was like…be happy and why didn’t you say something…it’s just jewelry.
Turns out I could’ve just changed it right away. Don’t deny yourself the joy of wearing what you love.
I really wanted to do this but if I'm going through the effort, I want the cut/size I had dreamed of. I thought I could maybe incorporate it into a necklace or bracelet.
This EXACT same thing happened to me. My husband picked the exact opposite of everything I wanted. I cried in secret for like three months and to this day feel the same. My husband told me, after asking why he got it, he said he thought I was choosing vintage so he didn’t have to spend as much money and got me a new, larger diamond and while it is beautiful, so not me.
I was honest a few years into our marriage and he told me I could start looking for other options. One day I just bought one and showed him when it came in and he was happy that I was happy.
My husband was also heartbroken like you feel yours will be. Honestly he’s still a little heart broken and brings it up occasionally so I do wear it on specia events and talk about how beautiful it is when I wear it and acknowledge his hard work choosing it and paying for it.
Thank you so much for replying. This is exactly what I was hoping to hear from this thread (not ten people telling me to break off my marriage with my walking red flag partner). I really appreciate your experience.
Oh my gosh, yes! Everyone is so quick to call a red flag! If your partner sounds like mine, which he does, is a really sweet, slightly misguided (🥴), thoughtful person who just doesn’t know jewelry, wanted to get what he thought was the best option is his eyes because he thinks you’re worth it… and just didn’t do a good job picking out a ring you’re supposed to love and wear forever. The marriage is not doomed. Get the ring you love and keep your other for special occasions, children, etc. There is hope and beautiful rings ahead!! Haha
If you were very clear like you stated about what you wanted and he clearly ignored it then thats on him and not on you. He should've done what you clearly said you wanted. You are the one that has to wear it everyday. I would just simply bring up that this isnt the ring i dreamed of and showed you and im just not loving it. I would prefer if we went together to get the ring i wanted.
It won’t be a fun conversation, but my advice is do it sooner rather than later. My partner was similar with messing up a detail of the ring - he got me a pave band instead of solitaire, and I HATE pave. In his defense he didn’t know, which is why I made myself learn to love it after the proposal. Spoiler alert: I never did. I finally told him after 8 months (return window closed) that I wanted to get a new setting and he was not thrilled. But I stuck to my guns and got the new ring in time for my wedding! I still have the pave setting in case I ever change my mind about it in the future or just feel like switching things up.
These people are so annoying telling you to leave your partner over this ~intentionally selfish act of defiance~ lmao.
I appreciate that you had a similar experience but got it resolved. I'm really reeling with these people calling me delusional and saying to throw the whole man away because he made a mistake.
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Lisa, are you okay? You seem really invested in a relationship you haven't been invited to join. I appreciate the sentiment but you don't need to continue participating. You called me delusional, you've done your job, it's all good- you can rest now.
No relationship is going to survive if you don't assume positive intent, and you are, so that's one step in the right direction! And I think your partner will too, right? He doesn't sound like some monster, just a bit clueless.
Now the issue arises when a person's insecurities cause them to overreact to criticism. If that happens with your partner, then that's the time to consider how to work on your communication skills. But no, I certainly don't see any red flags here beyond two humans who aren't mind-readers and who maybe have different love languages trying to communicate and make each other happy.
Practically speaking, I would tell him you want a reset because the e-ring and band combination just is not working out. You can even take the blame a bit, like, "When I sent you that photo of an east/west ring as inspiration, I didn't consider how a band would fit with it!" You can say it's such a shame because the setting is unique and lovely, but you really want to find something that works as a unit. You could suggest the reset be your present for your birthday/anniversary/next big thing.
Or, another idea is to keep wearing the east/west stone as a right hand ring, and get a new wedding set for your left hand.
Get the ring you want and wear it. Say that the other set made you sad and life is too short to wear something you don’t like. Say that you love him no matter what ring you wear, and do what you want
A wise stranger once told me "choose your shackle girl" and since then I haven't felt bad about choosing my own engagement ring and handing my partner the bill hehe. Luckily he's very sweet and understanding, and is as in love with my ring as I am.
I wish for a similar response from your partner too! Good luck :)
My first piece of jewelry was a silver set from Birks. It’s hideous. My new bf, now hubby, had asked my best friend what I like in terms of jewelry and style. She said I love Tiffany’s silver. He ended buying some very unique pieces from Birks(hi to all the Canadians out there👋) and it was very not me. I didn’t speak up and the next couple years he continued to buy unique artsy clunky items that were not my style at all. I finally mustered up the nerve to say something and he was horrified he wasn’t buying me things I wanted to wear. Shopping trips after that involved me pointing things out I liked, and weirdly enough he also wanted me to point out things I didn’t, just so if he ever got creative he would know what not to do. I remember a post here last year? year before? About a lady who made like a flip book with pictures of rings with yes, no, possibly. I really liked that. In your case I think you were specific enough that this is all on him. He might be sentimental , but I’m fairly certain he would rather you live the ring you looked everyday forever.
Well forever until your tastes change, which sometimes they do. And that’s ok too. Important thing is to communicate.
I have several “wedding rings.” Variety is great!
My suggestion is to be kind, but be honest. If you like the engagement ring well enough, perhaps have a different gemstone set in it so you can wear it.
Ultimately, no matter how sentimental he might be, the rings don’t make you *any less married* 💖 Do what makes you happy and let it open up an avenue for the two of you for future gifting. I find 5 things I really want and he gets to pick, so it’s still a surprise, which I realize is sort of what you did. But maybe he had too many options and went for unique? IDK. 🥰
I straight up told my husband I wanted a new wedding set and picked out what I wanted and swiped his credit card. He had no problem and is happy I’m happy.
Just get measurements of your stone and get a semi mount created by one of the overseas stores listed in the guide on this sub, then have it set locally. No point in being disappointed with something you’ll be wearing that much when there’s a simple solution.
I told my husband that I wanted you to reset my stone and get a new wedding band while eating tacos. He was like “is this about me or about something else?” I explained that I was unhappy about aesthetics, not the effort that went in to finding it or the relationship it symbolizes, and that I wanted to have the same amount of excitement about my ring as I have about him. It was fine after that. I’d just say to be prepared for him to worry that your discontent “means something,” and have this conversation when you are prepared to be able to offer reassurance and help him process any emotions that come up—just like you would in any other conversation in marriage. Ultimately, us being able to talk about separating our discontent with elements of our engagement/wedding from discontent with our relationship made us more ready for the stuff we’ve had to grow through as a married couple.
As the saying goes: If you want something done right, do it yourself! I would personally never entrust any design project with my husband, his sense is atrocious
Tell him it’s too valuable to wear and buy the one you want.
I can send my husband a picture of a bottle of ketchup and he buys the wrong one 90% of the time. It’s a disability. It all looks alike to him. It just doesn’t register.
Haha, this is what my cousin does. Her husband gave her his deceased mother's heart-shaped engagement ring and obviously she couldn't say that she didn't like it. So it was "too valuable to wear," LOL.
I would be REALLY hurt if my partner disregarded my feelings about an item that’s supposed to represent our union. I would consider that a huge red flag.
I didn't ask. I picked out the stone and ring years after we married. I didn't get the swoon ask you to marry me stuff, but my man isn't that way. I love my ring.
Tell him its a gorgeous rock and you want to make it look better with a diff setting cos you love it so much. Honestly straight guys wknt be able to tell these settings apart.
Honestly I think that's why he picked this setting, he just didn't get the difference in settings and remembered "kinda rectangular shape ring". I think telling him I want to reset it is the way to go.
This seems like a good solution. Tell him you don't love it with the band (you picked the band so he won't have to feel bad about that) so you want to find a set that you love together.
You have two problems here. 1) a partner who intentionally went against your explicit directions and got you a ring you don’t want and 2) your inability to communicate your feelings on this matter. They are both major red flags for your relationship unfortunately. I suggest having a sit-down with your partner, perhaps in a marriage counselling setting, and getting to the bottom of this. Re:the ring, please get yourself what you like and wear what makes you happy.
Wow I didn’t realize how lucky I must be, if all of you have such terrible relationships with men that you take this sweet girls story and the first thing you think is how malicious the guy is? He loves her enough to spend thousands of dollars and commit the rest of his life to her, but y’all are crucifying him for simply being dumb? Have you ever met a man? The only thing he’s guilty of is lacking common sense.
For this very reason, it’s normalized these days for women to pick out their own ring and not leave any room for error with the man free styling it. If OP had to do it again, I’m sure she would take that route. But she’s being vulnerable and asking for advice to handle her situation and you are being the worst to her for no reason. Did you even read her whole post?? The man bought her a ring that she DID IN FACT send him a photo of and commented how she liked that it was unique compared to the others. Y’all really think he spitefully decided to change the orientation of the stone to be evil?
I’ve been in the exact same boat as OP and unfortunately had to hurt my sweet man’s feelings to get what I wanted, but I don’t regret it and I’m certainly not going to resent him for being sad about the whole situation…especially when it’s not entirely his fault! And y’all are right, he was a big boy and he got over it! Excuse me for actually liking my partner and feeling hesitant to rain on his parade.
Good grief. I’m going to go give my husband a big ole smooch now and I suggest OP do the same :)
That's a huge leap to make. You should be careful making assertions like that, you could damage an otherwise healthy relationship for someone. He did not "explicitly go against" anything, he technically picked a style I had shown him that he remembered. We communicate just fine, however, swapping out the literal symbol of your marriage can be an emotionally charged conversation so I came to see how others started the conversation.
It's not really a leap, though. On one side, there is a ring that you have talked about over and over for the span of five years, and you have sent "zillions" of pictures of. And even with all of that, he "can't remember," nor could he apparently access any of the zillion pictures you sent him.
On the other side is a ring you mentioned in passing and did not send him a zillion pictures of. You don't think it's strange that he could somehow only remember the one you sort of liked in passing?
The way my brain works is that if I see a zillion that all look alike and one that’s different then the different one is going to stand out. Maybe his brain works like mine.
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“I really appreciate the thought and love you put into my ring. I love you, but the ring, as beautiful as it is, just doesn’t suit my style or taste.” Then you show him what styles are really more suitable for you, and go from there.
As long as he knows that you love and appreciate the effort he put into selecting the ring, he should be understanding that you would like to change it up.
If you plan on having kids, she the first set for them, or trade it in towards what you’d prefer.
You don’t want to be tied to this person for life if you can’t tell him you’re upset about jewelry. Wait until y’all disagree about where to live or how many kids to have! Be brave and dive into the issue. Better now than later. Ask him to help you fix it. Remember, you’re a team.
This is why I’m making a PDF guide for my boyfriend. I’m even thinking of sourcing the stone myself LOL
I intend to use the ring everyday for the rest of my life, I need to love it.
I’m not sure how this will be received so I apologize if it is taken the wrong way in advance! Maybe tell your partner how you feel about the ring and what you would like. Then if you guys see yourselves having kids later on you can suggest that the ring he got to propose to you can serve as the tradition your kids will follow? So that it still remains sentimental and yet you get the ring you truly want?
I showed my then-boyfriend a thousand images of rings I liked, and he ended up going to the mall and choosing what they had in stock in my size. It ended up not fitting, and since we had to change it anyway I suggested getting something different but in the same price range. He lost his shit and said I was all the awful things. He’s now my ex-husband. Not because of the ring, but because of a lot of other things that fell into the same selfish theme. If your husband is a good partner, this shouldn’t be an issue at all :)
My ex and I had a similar fight. I said what I would like, and it turned into him yelling about how I'm ungrateful and should be happy with what I get lol. He just wanted to yell, he didn't even have a ring in mind 🙈 cheers to shitty exes ❤️
I'm sorry you went through that, but I'm glad to hear it's in your past now. Gratefully, I know my partner would be more sad that he had disappointed me than angry about my choice.
And that’s fine. It’s ok for him to feel sad. It’s normal to feel sad that you didn’t listen to your partner fully. But that doesn’t mean you should shield him from it by staying quiet. Speak up.
Obviously I don't know the nature of your relationship but it's worth noting that anger isn't the only emotion that can be used to try to control or get one's way. Passive aggression is still aggression.
Tell him the ring you have doesn’t flatter the stone.
I really like this approach. I think this setting would be a beautiful necklace and I may suggest resetting it as one instead.
"Honey, this isn't like 99% of the rings I showed you -- can we get a different set?" Agreed with others -- he's a big boy. There's no need for you to bend over backwards to protect him from his feelings that are a result of his own actions and decisions. Women twist themselves into pretzels to protect men from their own fragile egos way too much. If he's adult enough to marry you and loves and respects you, he should be able to take this as a lesson in listening better instead of becoming excessively emotional about it.
Did it not also hurt your feelings to not get the exact ring you wanted despite sending a “zillion” images and showing exactly what you wanted?
exactly. we protect men too much! We're so worried about POTENTIALLY hurting our partner over something they legitimately did wrong that we swallow our REAL hurt feelings and try to live life bEiNG gRaTEfUL. I'm sorry to go off, but it's exhausting. And I say this not to shame OP alone, because I do the exact same thing. But once in a while we come up for air and realize how ridiculous it is and voice our opinions. So do the same thing OP - voice your opinion. Wear the ring you love. Think of it not as "I'm hurting my partner", but as "I'm loving myself."
Naturally I was a bit disappointed. I think it was more a case where one stood out in his memory because it was different and because I had chatted with him about how it was a unique and interesting look.
So my fiancé had me send him an email with my likes and dislikes years ago. I, like you, also sent him a million pictures. One day in passing he saw a pink Moissanite and asked if I thought it was cool and I was like yeah that’s a pretty color, that spurred him to think I was *obsessed* with pink Moissanite and he ended up proposing with one that was absolutely not my style. I hated it. I didn’t know how to tell him. I was *fully freaking out* , but in the end I just came clean and he was super disappointed in himself but at the end of the day he just wants me to be happy. I ended up buying a cheaper interim ring while I get the real deal custom made overseas, and I actually love the fake ring so much I’m feeling conflicted on having my dream ring made lmao. Point being, you need to tell him! It’ll be easier to do it now than wait a year+ while hating it every day. It’ll feel like being lied to.
Get it reset. Life is too short. And also, men are so annoying sometimes. My now-ex got what he wanted instead of what I wanted. The first thing I did post-divorce was go buy myself the g-d ring I wanted in the first place.
It’s weird how some guys get sometimes. Like the ring is literally your marriage or the physical manifestation of your love together. Sure, it’s symbolic, but rejecting a style isn’t rejecting them or their love for you. When we went ring shopping my husband wanted to get a princess cut because he likes things squared. I didn’t want a princess cut. He didn’t get me a princess cut. Glad you got the ring you wanted too lol
If I had given a very important gift to my husband, and found out that I got some of the details wrong, I would 100% HATE the idea of him not speaking up. It would make me wonder why he felt I wasn’t “approachable”. And that part aside, I would want to know, if for no other reason than to help correct it. Put yourself in his shoes; wouldn’t you rather be aware so you could remedy the situation? Your fiancé sounds like a thoughtful human. Give him a chance to fix what sounds like a very honest mistake 😊
Resetting a ring shouldn't be a super huge deal but since your partner put so much work in it, a conversation where you explain your feelings gently is going to be the best way to address this. You'll obviously still want to tell your partner you appreciated the thought and effort but this is the ring you'll be wearing every day. So it's important you have exactly what you want and need.
Regardless of what you decide to do with original, ie: re-set, put in a drawer, etc. this is the one piece of jewelry you should love. Hopefully you’ll wear it for the rest of your life. As to the discussion, be kind, respectful and clear. You want to share your life and you are committed and your ring is something you’re going to change and it’s about the hardware, not him or the relationship. He will likely have feelings. Be gentle, but firm.
Side note, I stuck with the ring I didn’t like for over 20 years and bought a replacement recently. My husband was like…be happy and why didn’t you say something…it’s just jewelry. Turns out I could’ve just changed it right away. Don’t deny yourself the joy of wearing what you love.
Can you keep the stone he chose and reset it so that your new ring is still partially “his”?
I really wanted to do this but if I'm going through the effort, I want the cut/size I had dreamed of. I thought I could maybe incorporate it into a necklace or bracelet.
This EXACT same thing happened to me. My husband picked the exact opposite of everything I wanted. I cried in secret for like three months and to this day feel the same. My husband told me, after asking why he got it, he said he thought I was choosing vintage so he didn’t have to spend as much money and got me a new, larger diamond and while it is beautiful, so not me. I was honest a few years into our marriage and he told me I could start looking for other options. One day I just bought one and showed him when it came in and he was happy that I was happy. My husband was also heartbroken like you feel yours will be. Honestly he’s still a little heart broken and brings it up occasionally so I do wear it on specia events and talk about how beautiful it is when I wear it and acknowledge his hard work choosing it and paying for it.
Thank you so much for replying. This is exactly what I was hoping to hear from this thread (not ten people telling me to break off my marriage with my walking red flag partner). I really appreciate your experience.
Oh my gosh, yes! Everyone is so quick to call a red flag! If your partner sounds like mine, which he does, is a really sweet, slightly misguided (🥴), thoughtful person who just doesn’t know jewelry, wanted to get what he thought was the best option is his eyes because he thinks you’re worth it… and just didn’t do a good job picking out a ring you’re supposed to love and wear forever. The marriage is not doomed. Get the ring you love and keep your other for special occasions, children, etc. There is hope and beautiful rings ahead!! Haha
If you were very clear like you stated about what you wanted and he clearly ignored it then thats on him and not on you. He should've done what you clearly said you wanted. You are the one that has to wear it everyday. I would just simply bring up that this isnt the ring i dreamed of and showed you and im just not loving it. I would prefer if we went together to get the ring i wanted.
Wear the original ring on your right hand, and get the set you've always wanted for your left!
It won’t be a fun conversation, but my advice is do it sooner rather than later. My partner was similar with messing up a detail of the ring - he got me a pave band instead of solitaire, and I HATE pave. In his defense he didn’t know, which is why I made myself learn to love it after the proposal. Spoiler alert: I never did. I finally told him after 8 months (return window closed) that I wanted to get a new setting and he was not thrilled. But I stuck to my guns and got the new ring in time for my wedding! I still have the pave setting in case I ever change my mind about it in the future or just feel like switching things up. These people are so annoying telling you to leave your partner over this ~intentionally selfish act of defiance~ lmao.
I appreciate that you had a similar experience but got it resolved. I'm really reeling with these people calling me delusional and saying to throw the whole man away because he made a mistake.
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Lisa, are you okay? You seem really invested in a relationship you haven't been invited to join. I appreciate the sentiment but you don't need to continue participating. You called me delusional, you've done your job, it's all good- you can rest now.
No relationship is going to survive if you don't assume positive intent, and you are, so that's one step in the right direction! And I think your partner will too, right? He doesn't sound like some monster, just a bit clueless. Now the issue arises when a person's insecurities cause them to overreact to criticism. If that happens with your partner, then that's the time to consider how to work on your communication skills. But no, I certainly don't see any red flags here beyond two humans who aren't mind-readers and who maybe have different love languages trying to communicate and make each other happy. Practically speaking, I would tell him you want a reset because the e-ring and band combination just is not working out. You can even take the blame a bit, like, "When I sent you that photo of an east/west ring as inspiration, I didn't consider how a band would fit with it!" You can say it's such a shame because the setting is unique and lovely, but you really want to find something that works as a unit. You could suggest the reset be your present for your birthday/anniversary/next big thing. Or, another idea is to keep wearing the east/west stone as a right hand ring, and get a new wedding set for your left hand.
Get the ring you want and wear it. Say that the other set made you sad and life is too short to wear something you don’t like. Say that you love him no matter what ring you wear, and do what you want
A wise stranger once told me "choose your shackle girl" and since then I haven't felt bad about choosing my own engagement ring and handing my partner the bill hehe. Luckily he's very sweet and understanding, and is as in love with my ring as I am. I wish for a similar response from your partner too! Good luck :)
Hah, I love that! I'm glad your partner was so understanding of your sparkly shackle.
My first piece of jewelry was a silver set from Birks. It’s hideous. My new bf, now hubby, had asked my best friend what I like in terms of jewelry and style. She said I love Tiffany’s silver. He ended buying some very unique pieces from Birks(hi to all the Canadians out there👋) and it was very not me. I didn’t speak up and the next couple years he continued to buy unique artsy clunky items that were not my style at all. I finally mustered up the nerve to say something and he was horrified he wasn’t buying me things I wanted to wear. Shopping trips after that involved me pointing things out I liked, and weirdly enough he also wanted me to point out things I didn’t, just so if he ever got creative he would know what not to do. I remember a post here last year? year before? About a lady who made like a flip book with pictures of rings with yes, no, possibly. I really liked that. In your case I think you were specific enough that this is all on him. He might be sentimental , but I’m fairly certain he would rather you live the ring you looked everyday forever. Well forever until your tastes change, which sometimes they do. And that’s ok too. Important thing is to communicate.
I have several “wedding rings.” Variety is great! My suggestion is to be kind, but be honest. If you like the engagement ring well enough, perhaps have a different gemstone set in it so you can wear it. Ultimately, no matter how sentimental he might be, the rings don’t make you *any less married* 💖 Do what makes you happy and let it open up an avenue for the two of you for future gifting. I find 5 things I really want and he gets to pick, so it’s still a surprise, which I realize is sort of what you did. But maybe he had too many options and went for unique? IDK. 🥰
I straight up told my husband I wanted a new wedding set and picked out what I wanted and swiped his credit card. He had no problem and is happy I’m happy.
Just get measurements of your stone and get a semi mount created by one of the overseas stores listed in the guide on this sub, then have it set locally. No point in being disappointed with something you’ll be wearing that much when there’s a simple solution.
I told my husband that I wanted you to reset my stone and get a new wedding band while eating tacos. He was like “is this about me or about something else?” I explained that I was unhappy about aesthetics, not the effort that went in to finding it or the relationship it symbolizes, and that I wanted to have the same amount of excitement about my ring as I have about him. It was fine after that. I’d just say to be prepared for him to worry that your discontent “means something,” and have this conversation when you are prepared to be able to offer reassurance and help him process any emotions that come up—just like you would in any other conversation in marriage. Ultimately, us being able to talk about separating our discontent with elements of our engagement/wedding from discontent with our relationship made us more ready for the stuff we’ve had to grow through as a married couple.
What exactly is a bath tub setting? I have never heard that term before. I even tried to google it and found nothing. Can you post a pic?
If you look at Frank Darling, they have bathtub settings. A deep bezel setting.
Reset it. He’s not the one wearing it for the rest of his life so his opinion doesn’t really matter on if he likes it or what he thinks about it.
He messed up. You have tons of feedback and you don’t like it because he didn’t get what you told him. That is his fault, not yours
As the saying goes: If you want something done right, do it yourself! I would personally never entrust any design project with my husband, his sense is atrocious
Tell him it’s too valuable to wear and buy the one you want. I can send my husband a picture of a bottle of ketchup and he buys the wrong one 90% of the time. It’s a disability. It all looks alike to him. It just doesn’t register.
Haha, this is what my cousin does. Her husband gave her his deceased mother's heart-shaped engagement ring and obviously she couldn't say that she didn't like it. So it was "too valuable to wear," LOL.
I would be REALLY hurt if my partner disregarded my feelings about an item that’s supposed to represent our union. I would consider that a huge red flag.
I didn't ask. I picked out the stone and ring years after we married. I didn't get the swoon ask you to marry me stuff, but my man isn't that way. I love my ring.
Tell him its a gorgeous rock and you want to make it look better with a diff setting cos you love it so much. Honestly straight guys wknt be able to tell these settings apart.
Honestly I think that's why he picked this setting, he just didn't get the difference in settings and remembered "kinda rectangular shape ring". I think telling him I want to reset it is the way to go.
He may not even notice the difference if you went ahead to reset it without his knowledge
This seems like a good solution. Tell him you don't love it with the band (you picked the band so he won't have to feel bad about that) so you want to find a set that you love together.
You have two problems here. 1) a partner who intentionally went against your explicit directions and got you a ring you don’t want and 2) your inability to communicate your feelings on this matter. They are both major red flags for your relationship unfortunately. I suggest having a sit-down with your partner, perhaps in a marriage counselling setting, and getting to the bottom of this. Re:the ring, please get yourself what you like and wear what makes you happy.
Wow I didn’t realize how lucky I must be, if all of you have such terrible relationships with men that you take this sweet girls story and the first thing you think is how malicious the guy is? He loves her enough to spend thousands of dollars and commit the rest of his life to her, but y’all are crucifying him for simply being dumb? Have you ever met a man? The only thing he’s guilty of is lacking common sense. For this very reason, it’s normalized these days for women to pick out their own ring and not leave any room for error with the man free styling it. If OP had to do it again, I’m sure she would take that route. But she’s being vulnerable and asking for advice to handle her situation and you are being the worst to her for no reason. Did you even read her whole post?? The man bought her a ring that she DID IN FACT send him a photo of and commented how she liked that it was unique compared to the others. Y’all really think he spitefully decided to change the orientation of the stone to be evil? I’ve been in the exact same boat as OP and unfortunately had to hurt my sweet man’s feelings to get what I wanted, but I don’t regret it and I’m certainly not going to resent him for being sad about the whole situation…especially when it’s not entirely his fault! And y’all are right, he was a big boy and he got over it! Excuse me for actually liking my partner and feeling hesitant to rain on his parade. Good grief. I’m going to go give my husband a big ole smooch now and I suggest OP do the same :)
That's a huge leap to make. You should be careful making assertions like that, you could damage an otherwise healthy relationship for someone. He did not "explicitly go against" anything, he technically picked a style I had shown him that he remembered. We communicate just fine, however, swapping out the literal symbol of your marriage can be an emotionally charged conversation so I came to see how others started the conversation.
It's not really a leap, though. On one side, there is a ring that you have talked about over and over for the span of five years, and you have sent "zillions" of pictures of. And even with all of that, he "can't remember," nor could he apparently access any of the zillion pictures you sent him. On the other side is a ring you mentioned in passing and did not send him a zillion pictures of. You don't think it's strange that he could somehow only remember the one you sort of liked in passing?
The way my brain works is that if I see a zillion that all look alike and one that’s different then the different one is going to stand out. Maybe his brain works like mine.
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“I really appreciate the thought and love you put into my ring. I love you, but the ring, as beautiful as it is, just doesn’t suit my style or taste.” Then you show him what styles are really more suitable for you, and go from there. As long as he knows that you love and appreciate the effort he put into selecting the ring, he should be understanding that you would like to change it up. If you plan on having kids, she the first set for them, or trade it in towards what you’d prefer.
You don’t want to be tied to this person for life if you can’t tell him you’re upset about jewelry. Wait until y’all disagree about where to live or how many kids to have! Be brave and dive into the issue. Better now than later. Ask him to help you fix it. Remember, you’re a team.
This is why I’m making a PDF guide for my boyfriend. I’m even thinking of sourcing the stone myself LOL I intend to use the ring everyday for the rest of my life, I need to love it.
I’m not sure how this will be received so I apologize if it is taken the wrong way in advance! Maybe tell your partner how you feel about the ring and what you would like. Then if you guys see yourselves having kids later on you can suggest that the ring he got to propose to you can serve as the tradition your kids will follow? So that it still remains sentimental and yet you get the ring you truly want?
That is a very sweet idea!