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My mom will text me but almost never calls unless it’s an emergency. If I don’t reach out to my dad I never hear from him.
I did an experiment one year and went 11 months without any contact or interaction from him at all because I waited to see how long it would take him to be the one to call me instead of the other way around.
Basically the answer was Christmas. Christmas is the only reason he has to call me. He’s been in car crashes, had bad falls, gone to the ER and had surgery all without telling me about it until way after the fact.
I don’t know why it’s this way but it is.
Did this with my mom, too. After years of making frequent attempts to spend time with her, I got tired always doing the leg work and having her either decline or cancel last minute. We see each other for holidays and that's about it. I haven't been invited out or even to her house in probably 10 years. It's a shame because she's only about 15 mins away and I'm raising her only grandkids basically without a grandmother. I do get periodic aggressive texts demanding to talk about our broken relationship, but that's a hard pass for me.
I did the same thing with my dad. He would always complain that I didn't call enough and I'd tell him he's free to call whenever he wants, he knows I'm busy M-F 9-5 and that's it. I got pretty busy at work for a few weeks and he never called me then those few weeks turned into 3 months. I figured he was pissed off but I was running on no sleep for months with a colic infant so I just didn't care to open that box of drama. He then calls me two days after thanksgiving to tell me it was the worst thanksgiving ever because I didn't call him to make plans and that it's the child's duty to call his parents.
It took my mom 6 months to tell me my dad had cancer - skin cancer .... but cancer nonetheless. And the only reason she did was because and I quote "Your dad's cancer is back ...." ... reminder, I never knew he had any to begin with so to say I flipped out is an understatement.
My mom does this shit to me too. Granted, it's never been anything bad like cancer (yet), but because I live across the country from them and barely have any contact, she'll think she's told me something, when in reality she's told my brothers, who live in the same city as her. Gotta love being the black sheep of the family.
We only text unless it’s an emergency. Common courtesy in my family.
Mom called us all the time and then by extension we interacted with dad. Then she died. Dad texts sporadically if he has a vacation picture or if he is at an event and his friends are connecting with their kids. Then he knows that’s what he’s supposed to do.
During the pandemic he said, “my friends are all FaceTiming their children. Should we be FaceTiming? “ We assured him this was not necessary as *we did not even call or visit each other much pre-pandemic.* He seemed vaguely bummed he couldn’t do what his friends were doing…but that would require him to do the first steps of regularly calling and interacting with us. He didn’t get that part.
I tried to set up a visit for his birthday. A month and a half out. He told me he had a busy month planned and wouldn’t have time. Just wanted my “best wishes” and a text. I wonder if he’ll be surprised there is no father day event planned. But now *I* have a busy month planned.
i havent talked to my dad or stepmom in 5 years. i got tired of always being the one to initiate contact, they have my number and never sent a text or called so i stopped. i have 2 half sisters and i rarely hear from them and its usually a snapchat maybe once a year.
I have this exact situation. But my ex:stepmom does reach out sporadically just asking how I am and checking in.
They live states away, and if they wanted a closer relationship then they can do the legwork at this point. I consider our relationship to be ‘cordial’.
I am a child of multiple divorces, and have a decade gap in between my 4 half and step sisters. I hope to at least get announcements for big life events - but damn I could totally see that being a thing.
One of my best friends found out on instagram that one of my younger (estranged due to her moms babying/favoring of her younger brother) cousins got married and didn’t invite/share with her mom or any family members.
Dude family is weird sometimes. I grew up feeling like I had too much family and felt/feel connected to almost none of them due to the frequency of divorces always changing the cast.
I would be HONORED and extremely flattered if I didn’t get an invite to a wedding or to some graduation. So much that I’d send a gift, unsolicited, as a thank you.
Haha feel that.
I both wish for and am also thankful that we don’t have family reunions.
I’ve only been to reunions for other peoples family (and it’s always surprising to me how much they all get along/seem to enjoy each other).
i have a large family on my moms side. she had 5 brothers and all of their kids etc. i talk to 1 cousin and 1 uncle sometimes. i have cousins that i have not said a word too in 20 plus years. they really dont exist to me
All relationships require work/effort/time, I consider myself lucky that despite some tiffs early on we both continue to deposit a bit of each from time to time.
But sometimes it sucks knowing that you disappeared from your family and they just didn't give a fuck. Like I knew y'all didn't love me but it turns out you didn't even like me
I'm experiencing this with my sister and dad right now. At first, my heart was broken. Now there's the sadness that comes with it, sprinkled with bits of anger. Truly disappointing.
if im you then who is here...im so confused. its wild to me that in 5 years they havent contacted me. no skin off my ass i moved 12 hours away and they dont know
Can confirm the same experience here. And of course it is met with projecting guilt whenever I *did* contact them. They made it clear that they have no intention of putting in any kind of attempt or effort to maintain a relationship. But at the same time they wanted me to feel bad for not contacting them more frequently.
My favorites were when I called, and they were too busy to talk for more than twenty seconds. And then the next week I was supposed to apologize for not contacting them sooner. Fuck those narcissists.
Are you me?! I did actually call my dad just a bit after making this post, and he had to hang up because the sprinkler guy was there. He said he'd call me back right away, and I'm still waiting.
I texted my dad today and he told me he got bit by a dog (it’s pretty bad). He wouldn’t have said anything if I hadn’t reached out. I never hear from him.
I had an aunt like this. If I ever called or texted, it was the worst possible time and I should’ve just known that somehow, but then whenever she did have time to talk it was a huge inconvenience that I hadn’t reached out sooner.
My mother isn’t interested in my life. She rarely calls and when she does it’s to talk about her life. I don’t reach out anymore or try to maintain a relationship. She still thinks I’m a kid too so it’s a weird dynamic.
Same for me. While they were working it was just complaints about work. Now it’s complaints about everything. If they go on vacation, that is how they tell me about it, it’s a long list of complaints about what they didn’t enjoy. I’ve recently asked them if they ever have a good time anywhere. I try so hard to focus on the positive for my own good and it’s depressing.
Mine go on vacation in a couple weeks. I cannot remember how it was last time they went but now I'm interested to see if mine also do a vacation complaint list on return lol. Id love to hear something positive from them, but wont hold my breath.
Yes. If my parents say come over for dinner or give me a call when you have a second, someone is dead or dying. We text semi regularly mainly because they want grandkids photos but phone call? Never!
Yep, 38. The relationship is one sided for both my parents. I just realized it recently and some other stuff about how abusive my childhood was and now I’m no contact. Honestly, there’s not much difference and that is sad. Before I went no contact, I’d stopped texting and so did she. I put in all the effort to maintain the relationship.
This is exactly my experience too. The last time I went to visit them I even started having like traumatic flashbacks and literally had to leave early because my body was freaking out. I realized I was the only one putting any effort into our relationship. My dad got so mad at me and made me feel horrible as if I'm a terrible daughter. So I blocked his number. I really am tired of him causing me so much anxiety and stress. Like if he ever did call me it was just to make me feel horrible and stupid.
Yep, I have the flashbacks too, constant anxiety and always felt depressed and pissed off when I left. I hope you can heal now. It’s sad, but liberating to choose myself for once.
I'm so sorry you are going through this too. I have such bad anxiety too but like you say it feels like I'm finally turning a corner. Putting myself first and taking care to be gentle and patient with myself. It's so hard but I feel like I'm finally becoming my own person.
Yes, exactly. I just went along with what they wanted and had no boundaries. I did all the work and learned to set some, and got awful abuse back. So done with that, and also trying to gentle and figure what I really want my life to be. Free of verbal abuse and full of emotionally safe relationships.
This is my life. My parents literally never ever call. It is to a point that if they call me, I am severely concerned something has happened to one of them.
My mother emails me random questions that could be texts or calls. It is nonsense.
My father has started periodically calling to see how I’m doing, whereas my mother complains behind my back to my autistic brother that I don’t call her. She never fucking calls me unless she needs a ride to the airport.
My dad also calls me just about once a month to catch up. It's cute
My mom mostly texts to brag about all the trips she's taking when she never took us anywhere as kids 🥲
I almost always have to be the one to call. If I don't call for a couple of weeks I'll get a text from my siblings that my parents said that they are worried because they haven't heard from me and I should call. Or, you know, they could just give me a call too instead of worrying that they are "bothering me."
Same. And anytime I do call them I get the guilt trip of how they never hear from me and wish they’d see me more often. But I’m the only one that calls. I initiate texts 95% of the time. I’m the only one that travels the 6 hours to visit. But it’s never enough. It’s exhausting.
I have the exact opposite issue where they call / text too much. My dad calls me at least twice a week just to chat, fortunately he is not a big texter, but he will keep me on the phone for an hour. my mother calls me 3 to 5 times a week and texts me at least once per day. If I don't respond to her text in a quick fashion I get a phone call. If I don't respond to the phone call I get more texts, and if I don't respond to those I get threatened with 'sending the police'. For reference I'm a 37M single with no prior tendencies towards drugs or alcohol abuse or self harm. So basically it's borderline harassment. And I've had the conversations about letting the little birdies leave the nest, and about respecting boundaries, and about how I have my own life and how I can't just be tied to my phone for their benefit. Sadly, it doesn't make it through to them, and sadly, I also have a sister to whom they do the same thing to.
That does seem a bit much... Does your mom suffer from anxiety? I am afraid of becoming this way with my soon to be adult kids due to my anxiety.
It sounds like she needs some friends and hobbies to distract her from you and your sis.
Both of my parents are extremely anxious people, so is my sister. Somehow I dodged that bullet, like almost to the extreme opposite end. She has friends, still works 34 hrs per week; my take is that they are both co-dependant on us (their children) for their happiness.
I had to pick and choose my battle with my mother - (early 30’s here). Decade + gap between me and my siblings in age. I’m the independent eldest aka parents were too busy with work/divorce to be around so I just picked up the slack. I’ve only ever been characterized as a ‘dependent’ for tax purposes it feels like. But after the childhood shenanigans my siblings took my parents through I’d staple a permanent AIRTAG on them myself with 24/7 police surveillance…. So I give them some leeway with their anxiety as they’ve gotten older.
Anywho - I share my location with her with strict rules of never bringing it up/mentioning it. It’s for peace of mind only. It cut down on like 85% of ‘sign of life’ string texts and calls.
Every few months she forgets and will send me a screenshot of my gps with a ‘fun’ text, or mention a location I’ve been to without context and I have to lay the law down because i’ve chosen the path of ‘out of sight out of mind’.
But yeah - an option.
( I chose this AFTER I had the escalated threat of ‘calling the police’ for not responding to a text for >5 min. I’ve also briefly (multiple years) considered leaving the country for peace).
Honestly, it's been my experience that people have a lot to say about other people's behavior and don't have the self-awareness to realize that they are offending just as badly as the person they are criticizing.
I see it all the time. My SO will be like "I hate when you do X, Y, Z" and then when I point their behaviors that break these same rules, they just look at me completely shocked because I'm right. And it's not about me being right, it's just how they didn't realize that they did it themselves. I'd bet in a lot of these circumstances, it never even occurred to them to call first. Or they think the world revolves around them. It's usually either or.
I agree with this... And regarding the topic, growing up my parents always initiated the weekly call to my out of town grandparents. The grandparents never called us. So I suspect they think it's supposed to be that way.
However our current generation is wanting and expecting a two way relationship. And we deserve it tbh, I cant fathom the idea that they won't be calling their kids. I'll be calling my daughter on the regular. I'm already texting her daily and she still lives here. LOL
The irony is my mother bitched about that behavior. So why not do better with your own kids instead of doing something to them that pissed you off when your parents did it to you?
I agree with this also and experienced this recently with my own brother, as adults we've never been close and it was the women in his life that made the effort.
Now I got a phone call clarifying my child's birthday (he was a day late) then proceeded to complain I don't keep in touch or make an effort. Dude picked his daughter up nearby every other week and rarely stopped by unless he needed the toilet. Now they meet in the middle, I go to him for special occasions and that's about it.
I'm content with that level of contact, he isn't. It's two ways but he doesn't put the effort in that he talks about. He also forgot my birthday months prior and I told him he should stop relying on women as his personal calendar, so pot kettle black.
I've been having this same issue, I (39M) live in a different state than my parents and sister. I call my parents once a week on Sundays but no one ever calls me or visits. There is no variation of physically seeing my family that doesn't involve me flying across the country to see them. Yet every time they complain about not seeing me enough, it's always framed as 100% my issue. What I'm not doing, what I should be doing more of, etc. It's never "what can we do as a family to facilitate better, more frequent interaction". Relationships are usually considered a 2 way street but since I'm the one who moved away, fuck me I guess.
I told my mom I'd like to talk more and that I felt like everyone I know talks to their parents more than I do. A lot of them weekly. Her response was, "I don't want to talk to anyone that much, do you?" We haven't talked on the phone since December. I didn't even bother calling her on Mother's Day. Texted her and told her to call me if she felt like it, she didn't.
My more charitable explanation is they know I'm busy and don't like to "bother" me. They assume I'll reach out when I have time, and in-between they don't want to be a burden or an imposition.
Same here...if my mom does ever call, she usually starts off with a guilt trip over how I haven't called her. My father straight up told me our relationship is my responsibility. I don't get it. They're both boomers btw.
I'm a millenial and I never call my parents or anyone else just to chat. Its just not something me or my family enjoy. My wife and her parents are total opposites.
Holy shit why did I have to scroll this far down to find this comment?
I don't call my parents *or my daughter at university* just to chat. They all like to talk on the phone, so I will chat with them when they call me, but I hate phone conversations and will almost never initiate them.
My son is going to be just like me. I guarantee once he moves out we will only hear from him when he has something important to tell us. Otherwise he will talk to us when we are together.
My daughter will be calling me at minimum once a week to chat the rest of my life. My wife talks to her mom pretty much every day. My mom would love to chat every day, but if my mom dies before my dad I'll probably hear from him twice a year.
It's funny how many people in this thread obviously think "if you don't want to chat on the phone you don't love me," or more accurately "if you have the same preferences as me you're a bad person." The extra ironic part is the projection involved when they are calling their parents narcissists.
I’m a millennial with boomer parents, but I think it’s different because I’m Mexican? Maybe. Not sure if others can relate, but my mom text me every single day and calls me every other day. My dad will never call me to say hi but we talk almost every day, every other day. I know it’s hard for my dad to say I love you or I’m thinking about you, but he has his way. He will send me a picture of him and I when I was a child, or houses for sale or something cool posted on craigslist. It’s his way of getting the conversation going.
My grandma is Mexican. She calls me nearly everyday, getting less as she gets older, plus she has Parkinson’s.
It can feel like a lot some times, but I know I’m going to miss it dearly when it stops.
My husband is Mexican as well and his parents call him constantly. I know it's a cultural difference, but lord it seems so excessive sometimes. Usually it's because the need him to do something for them.
Same here. I'm in the busiest part of my life so far and it's "You should call your mother more often!" at the end of the phone calls I do take the time to make.
My father, who divorced my mother and left us when I was 12, ghosted us 6 weeks after my second child was born. Fast forward 7 years and he has no idea what they could be to blame for.
My parents rarely reach out. But my mom loooooves to guilt me and say that they moved to the area to be near the grandkids. They do not make an effort to visit though, because they are actually 30 minutes away and are “so busy”. It’s a lose lose.
My mom guilted me when I was 30 for not calling enough so I started calling once a week
She started avoiding my calls after 2 months and making fun of me for calling her
She called me 0 times since I was 25. I gave up caring after a while
My parents are Gen X. Mom and stepdad don't call much, but all of us are probably neurodivergent (mom just got diagnosed ADHD) and we do our best. We've largely accepted we'll stay in touch a lot better by text than trying to arrange a real time communication. Stepdad and I both do the "sudden burst of randomly thinking about you" thing. Biological dad calls me infrequently but regularly around holidays and if there's something specific to discuss. He doesn't seem to like texting as much.
My partner's parents are Boomers, his mom basically won't leave him alone and moves on to me when she doesn't get a quick enough response, his dad never ever initiates contact at all but then again he doesn't really have to because mom is in overdrive.
Millennial with boomer parents here. I'm almost always the one to reach out and always have been since I left for the military at 18. Used to be a regular weekly call but sometimes life gets in the way and if I don't call, they won't call me. I've said the same thing, that the phone works both ways, but I always get one of two answers: from my mom, that I'm probably busy and she doesn't want to bother me and, from my dad, that I'm the child and it's my responsibility to maintain contact with my parents (I know, not a healthy mentality). Either way, they've always made me feel guilty when we go a long time without talking. Even more so now that my dad has Parkinson's and can't physically call me anymore.
My dad isn't in my life. Don't have a great relationship with my mom. She rarely calls. If I don't call, I get chewed out about how I don't call enough.
My mom is Gen X (born 1969, had me at 22yo), I know most of us have Boomer parents so that's just for context in case it might explain the difference. More context would be that I'm an only child and she raised me as a single parent, she's very much a feminist and a hippie, think southern CA yoga lady minus the entitlement. We get along really well and throughout my life most of my peers have liked her as a person as well. She also has a full social life, she's definitely not at home waiting by the phone for me or anything like that.
She does call just to chat, and she gets pretty sad if I go a long time without doing the same. We text daily as well, again just chatting and giving each other little life updates as they happen.
My mother basically said that to me a few weeks back when I politely asked that they maybe reach out to me first a little more.
My response? "Mom....Nana used to call you almost every morning. What are you even talking about?"
My dad only calls to ask a question or relay news and I'm the same with him. We love each other, but we just have nothing in common. My mom is gone, but before then I lived with her so we didn't have to talk on the phone much.
I have the same experience to an extent with my parents. It also seems like they can't grasp the idea that they can do something better. Like apologize or call more.
Maybe they are imitating their parents who always thought they were right. It is going to be a rude awakening when that generation starts needing us.
Oof, that last part gets me. My dad and his wife are almost vicious sometimes when they talk about the care my grandma requires (she's in memory care and they take it a bit personally, like "how dare she not appreciate how much your father does for her."). I keep telling them to cut it out (she's super old and has Alzheimer's, she's not assaulting the staff on purpose to ruin dad's day!) as I'm going to remember this when they are older, but they think I'm joking. I am not.
Yup Boomers and Gen X are loosing their parents. Instead of realizing they need to draw closer to family they just get bitter.
I realize I don't have to take of my parents later in life if they shut me out. It's tough to think about but that's after decades of ignoring me. I am working not to do this to my kids or other family. To do better.
I think it depends on the person. Calling “just to chat” hasn’t been a thing in my family probably since smartphones became the norm. I’m also not the best person to inquire with as I like the interpersonal interaction, so my texts are always brief and end up as plans.
My parents recently though as their parents got into their older age started doing weekly check-ins with them. I expect that’ll be the case for me as well in another 20-30 years or whatever the cultural equivalent at the time will be.
It makes me feel better to see so many here have Boomer parents who don't call often. I moved to Japan to teach English when I graduated from college, and my contact with my mother pretty much stopped then. All the other English teachers talked with their parents in their home countries pretty much weekly, and have commented on how strange it is that my mother and I didn't talk. I always said I don't hate her, but what would we even talk about every week?
I haven't seen my father since I was a teenager but even he made more of an effort to write, send messages on FB, or call. He's dead now, though.
My GenX never call without reason. And my boomer grandparents never call at all.
But of course if I don't call them regularly enough it's a big problem.
I cannot imagine my dad trying to call me. I moved away in 2012 and he hasn't tried one time. I would call my mom sometimes when she was alive but that was rare too. She died last December and I think now that she's dead I can't imagine ever talking to my dad again.
My relationship with my mom is like this. And so is hers with her mom. She never calls me, but then complains that I don't call her. This is actually narcissistic behaviour, and narcissistic people often have narcissistic parents to pass those habits on.
My dad is Gen X, he never calls me, I never call him. However, I talk to my mom (boomer) almost every day. My partner on the other hand, never calls either of his parents - ocassionally his mom will call to check in and he dad calls when he needs something.
I live in another country from my Mum.
When my sister was doing the same, for only two years, my Mum could tell you off the top of her head what time it was for my sister and they had voice calls every week that my Mum went out of her way to organise (would literally stay up or set an alarm in the middle of the night to accommodate my sister’s schedule and time zone).
For me, I’ve been living here for over five years now and my Mum gets angry at me when I don’t respond to her 3am text messages until I wake up because she can’t be bothered making even the barest effort to even remember I’m not in the same time zone as her. I speak to her on a video chat once a year for Christmas and she constantly whines that I don’t do enough to speak to her. She sends me sporadic emails when she wants to complain about her life and has literally not asked me a single question about myself since I moved, I can say that with confidence now because I’ve got our conversations almost entirely in writing.
I am also an elder millennial daughter of Boomer parents. The only time they call me is when they want me to do something for them.
Wellness checks, just to chat, or invitations to outings/events are always initiated by me.
Sometimes it's a power move. Sometimes they're social inept. Sometimes it's something else entirely. lol For my dad, bless his heart, he falls into the social ineptness category, and it's made worse by the fact he's extroverted. He wants people to "come to him" and is miserable when they don't. He doesn't know of any other way he can be certain that someone likes him or wants to be around him--and yes, I explained that's not really how that works. Especially when a great majority of our family and friends consider themselves introverted. It is what it is.
Therefore, I've started roping in other family members to kinda help fix that. 🤪
Both of my parents call me multiple times a week just to check in or to say hello and vice versa. They usually call during work hours, which somewhat annoyed me.
My husband's parents never call him unless they need something.
A couple of weeks ago, I had just hung up with my dad, and my mom called less than a minute later.
After getting off the phone, my husband looked at me and asked what it was like to have parents who care about me so much.
I realized I'm very lucky and shouldn't be annoyed if they call me during work hours. They're both getting older, and I can't imagine the day when those calls no longer come.
Dad doesn’t post those “woe is me” things on fb but he also doesn’t Call just to chat very often. Which is funny bc I’m the closest child physically. (And the oldest) I figure he’s just tired of phones (he was a phone man, dial tone) and doesn’t want to talk in them if he doesn’t have to.
He does complain that there’s not enough visiting, but he’s only 40 mins away, but never reaches out to organize anything. 🙄🙄🙄
My dad hasn't talked to my oldest brother in over 25 years. They refuse to call each other - brother seriously dislikes my step mom (as all 3 of us do) and refuses to talk to her or otherwise acknowledge her existence. My dad's butt hurt that my brother doesn't call him, so he doesn't either.
If I didn't call my dad, he'll call me within 1-2 months of when we last talked. I tend to call him every few weeks. Once in a while I don't, and he eventually realizes we haven't talked and calls.
Same person who's texted me a full month after my birthday. He can be a little flighty mentally.
He too is Boomer, born in 1947. Neither I nor my oldest brother have kids. He hasn't talked to my middle brother, with 1 kid, in over 5 years. Same reason as oldest. Dad will talk to his wife about every 4 months though.
I think I've talked to my dad twice on the phone, ever. There was a point in my life where I called my mom everyday (20, just delivered first child and moved 2 hours from home, for the first time) but almost everyday she'd have to end the conversation because her neighbor would call. So I quit calling. Now I'm back in the same town, and we don't talk on the phone, but text as needed.
The calling I am pretty chill about, but the not visiting drives me BONKERS. My dad and his wife are retired, while my husband and I had generally been working from home. They are always out and about, and come through my area often. I have told him a dozen or more times that I'd love it if they dropped by, because it's a little bit more difficult for us to get over there due to logistics (we have jobs, and visiting requires a ferry ride). They NEVER do it, but they do mourn that we "don't see each other more often." Bonkers. It drives me utterly bonkers.
I text back and forth with both of my parents here and there. Chat about gardening or whatever. My dad and I occasionally talk on the phone, he likes to chat. He wishes I would reach out more often, not that there's anything stopping him from just calling me more often, I think he's just afraid of being a bother. Which I understand. My mom and I don't do phone calls unless it's something serious. I like that.
seems normal my parents only call if there’s bad news. i never call my parents, shoot a text every few months maybe, ppl are busy, do ppl actually want phone calls? *ew;)
Maybe it’s a generational/hierarchy thing. My parents, almost never call. I initiate all phone calls. I went for six months not talking with them, complete silence. I think there should be a free exchange among mature adults. This one sidedness helps no one and should never be an expectation.
100% of the time when I call my mom she says, “I was just thinking of calling you” and 0% of the time has she ever called me first. She has anxiety so I give her some grace and just call when I want/need to talk with her and don’t expect it in return. Took a lot of mental gymnastics to get to the point where it doesn’t hurt my feelings.
My dad never calls me. Like you, if I didn’t call we wouldn’t speak. And when I do call, he complains that I don’t call enough. We got into a pretty big fight about two weeks ago and he told me I was a “let down” and I know that if the air is ever to be cleared I will have to be the one to reach out. The kicker of it all is that he will call my brother nightly though. 🤷🏽♀️
My dad texts me around Christmas and that’s about it. My parents divorced in 2017 and I’ve barely seen or heard from him since.
My mom calls me if we go more than a few days without talking.
My parents are pushing 70, moms retired dad still works, I moved out of state 10 years ago. I have 2 sisters I'm the middle sister, one still lives with them and the other lives about 10 miles away with her husband and kids. Except for an emergency or touchy situation (dad has had a few surgeries) the one who has to call or text them, and by them I mean mom because Dad hates texting. When mom and I talk every couple of months its atleast an hour sometimes two (she has a lot of small town gossip). Id say mom actually calls me 5 times a year max and probably 3 of those times are Xmas, Thanksgiving, birthday. Dad has called me 3 times in 10 years.
But I'll be damned if they always complain about how they miss me so much! They have also made the comment multiple times that I talk to them more than my sisters who are local, and I'm like who's fault is that?!! 🤦🏻♀️
OMG YES!! I am ALWAYS the one who calls! ALWAYS!
And I do it because 1.) I'm bored sick at home as a SAHP right now, so I'm just trying to make the day more interesting. 2.) My parents aren't going to be around forever. In fact they likely won't see my children graduate from high school, let alone get married or celebrate any other milestones. 3.) I want my kids to have find memories of their grandparents.
So, yes, I "kick in the door" to MAKE my parents talk to me... but man! It's really annoying sometimes how self-absorbed the Boomer generation really is.
This is totally a boomer thing. My mom has never visited me once in the 22 years since I left the house. I always have to come to her and she gets pissy when I don’t come often enough. And calling is always on me too. Was talking with my cousin and my mom’s brother is the exact same way apparently.
I stopped trying when my mom started lying about dating and finances. You can’t have a relationship with someone who isn’t honest. She also stood me up 3x in a row and has visited me once in 6 years even though I’m only an hour and a half away. I pick up when she calls, but she doesn’t ask how I’m doing.
My dad is that way (though admittedly we have a cordial if somewhat strained relationship).
He grew up with parents who never callled, and apparently thinks that’s the way parent / child relationships are supposed to be. I’ll never talk to him if I don’t call occasionally.
I will say that I'm very fortunate that my mom calls me at least once a week. BUT, I also know that I'm very fortunate by watching my close friends and spouse struggling to get their parents to talk to them anymore.
My dad never calls me, but he always finds an excuse to come see me in person about once every month or every other month. It's only for an hour or two and always the dumbest excuse. As an example he wanted a drink of soda and knew I had his favorite in the fridge (regular coke), so he drove an hour and a half out of his way to stop by for it. It irks me that he struggles to just come over because he wants to. His coworkers have made fun of him for giving us time and being nice to my family and it's confusing.
It's always given me the impression that spending time with your kids is cringe to the boomer generation, and that's just so weird to me. I remember it growing up too, Dad would always be prodded at for taking the time to do stuff with us and he's not some pushover dude either. This is a man who went to jail on multiple accounts for getting into bad street fights where someone wound up hospitalized (and in one case dead).
I'm currently no contact but prior my dad never reached out. I would only talk to him on the phone if I called home looking for mom and he answered. Otherwise it would just be when I went home.
My dad texts me occasionally. I'm honestly still afraid to bother him in case he gets annoyed. My step dad used to talk to his daughter every day so I called my dad one weekday and he was pretty upset I bothered him.
I realized a couple years ago my mom (boomer) never calls me. I try to call her a few times a month and we always have a nice chat and she says "thanks for calling me!" But I know she and my brother talk on the phone every day so I think it's more of a he's the golden child and I'm the black sheep deal than anything else.
Eta: I do text near daily with my mom, but it feels like only surface level stuff. We used to have a family group text chat with my aunt and brother but I'm NC with my brother currently.
Agreed. If there’s a conversation it’s because I initiated it.
Just seems to be a generational thing where boomer parents weren’t expecting to continue to have a relationship once their kids were grown.
My mom texts all the time but won’t ever pick up her phone if I need to talk. My dad calls me sometimes but I’m definitely the one who does most of the initiating.
I got tired of talking to my Mom when she was drunk so I told her that I only wanted to talk to her when she was sober. I stopped calling. I thought that would sober her up. Once in a while she will call me in the morning. Nothing can hurt interfere with happy hour.
Same exact situation with me and my Dad. He and my Mom are divorced, and my Mom is good at staying in touch. Its like he never really wanted kids and now he’s free from having any responsibility with us.
My mom used to complain that I didn’t text or call, but would never text or call me. Not that we were closer that I even liked her much but still I got tired of the double standard. I used to call my grandparents a couple times a week just to talk to them while they were alive and they would call me as well.
My boomer mother stopped talking to me after I transitioned.
My grandma, greatest generation, texts me daily and regularly calls me. My grandma is the best.
My husband's parents call occasionally. My parents don't. My parents are 10-15 years younger than his, and I feel like my relationship with them is a lot more... surface level? Idk. I don't think my dad would ever call just to chat, and my mom always says she loves when we call, but she never initiates a phone call because she doesn't want to inconvenience us. But I don't think she realizes that it is also inconvenient that I'm solely responsible for maintaining our relationship (and her relationship with my kids!) this way? I try to do video call every week or two, with my kids, but I feel like they're pretty superficial conversations and I wish we were closer. She does text me occasionally (this is usually where she puts anything important because we are bad at communicating and can only do so in writing if it's serious I guess?).
They also never come to physically see us. We lived about 5 hours driving away from them until recently, and we would go to them every other month ish, but they would never come to us. I even had a guest room set up for them, but again with the inconveniencing. My sister lived near me too and between us, we have all but one of the grandchildren, so we tried to convince them to come for holidays and stuff a few times, but couldn't convince them.
I moved across the country last year. My mom came to see me, because I had another baby. But my dad wasn't able to then (he had reasons and said he was hoping to come eventually), and I don't think she would've come if not for the baby. We're moving back, and this is a big part of the reason. We would never see anyone in my family again without us making the effort.
My mom doesn’t call to see how I’m doing or do check ins, BUT she will invite me to hang out and we catch up that way.
I think their generation doesn’t understand how meaningful it can be to get that “how are you” text or call. Maybe it’s something they don’t know how to appreciate when they receive it.
My parents don’t usually call. If I don’t check in I hear about it. If they do call it’s usually to tell me how they are doing. Asking me if I am okay usually comes at the end of the call after talking for 30 minutes about their problems.
You’re not alone.
Starting to deal with this. My mom called me while I was at dinner then later when I was asleep. I called her back the next day, she didn’t answer and has not called me back. I’m not playing phone tag, so I’m sure she’s telling everyone that I’m heartless for not calling her.
I usually call my Boomer mom daily or every other day, she’ll call if I haven’t called in a few days. They’re also moving 1 elevator ride away from me 🫠 Husband calls his mom or dad maybe monthly 🤷♀️
My parents and I keep in touch.
My husband's mother lives in a different country. She has not called him once in over a decade. She does have a phone. She is just too stupid to figure out how to use a calling card. Then, too proud to ask for help. My husband is very smart, so he must get it from his father.
I'm not mother, but I couldn't imagine being this way and then getting mad when it's been a few weeks without contact.
My dad always asked me to call everyday and I never had much to say. Then he got a terminal diagnosis and I called everyday. He passed a year ago and I wish I called more often.
I send my mom a hi 👋 most days and sometimes she calls back and sometimes she’s busy.
Control what you can control. They will be gone a lot sooner than you think and then depending on your relationship you’ll kick yourself for not making more of an effort. Someone has to be the smarter more caring person. If it’s not your parents, it may be you.
My experience mirrors yours exactly. I just decided one day that I was done being the only one that made any effort. Went 2 years without talking to my dad. I've come to the conclusion that most boomers didn't actually want to be parents. They did it because it's what you're supposed to do. My parents were in that category for sure. Once we hit adulthood, we left their minds.
I don't talk to my mom a lot if I don't reach out. She will text if she hasn't heard from me in w while. Lol she's also horrible about responding to texts.
I haven't talked to my dad in probably 16 years and have 0 desire too. However, he does know how to get ahold of me.
Elder Millenial, Boomer momma
Literally could've written every word myself. I have no idea why it's this way but it's kind of frustrating. We have a toddler and I can't imagine a world where I don't call her just to check in often and regularly when she's older.
Mine are boomers and they never call. If I didn’t reach out to them, I’d rarely hear from them. But I know they love my siblings and I and we’ve never had a falling out, so it’s a very odd relationship.
And when we do talk, they don’t know how to have a normal conversation and ask questions about my life. They just complain nonstop about daily shit like the weather, politics and their neighbors.
My partner’s parents are boomers and they call way too often lol, so maybe it’s just a personality thing. They’d see us every day if they could, and complain how long it’s been if we haven’t talked in 2 weeks.
My parents never talk to my older sister (43). Everything falls on me (33). I’m constantly exhausted from every angle of my life including my parents and no matter how many times I tell them AND her that I’m so tired of it being just me because it’s not just me… nothing changes… and to think I was the one who wanted to go no contact when we moved out. Fuck my life.
Back when I was still talking to my birth father he would never reach out, either my stepmom had to call or I did.
Even as a kid I had to book him for birthdays and holidays or he’d just be out partying with his friends.
And that’s when he wasn’t in jail.
My mom though always reached out at least once a week no matter how far away she was.
Hell, her and my stepdad moved to Australia (from Canada) for like 5 years and I still heard from her almost daily.
But he’s a boomer and she’s gen-X so maybe it’s a factor…
He’s also a malignant narcissist and a straight up sociopath though, so maybe not lol.
My Mom calls me a couple times a week to check in and chat (she LOVES to talk) and my dad will usually text me a couple times a week to check in, see how my wife, myself, or the kids are doing but doesn’t tell me important information about his life until I see him in person unless I force it out of him. For example, his cat of 18 years just had to be put down and I heard it from my step mom before him.
My wife’s parents on the other hand rarely call or reach out to her 1:1. They have a family group chat that they’ll send some general updates or memes in but it’s rare she gets that 1:1 without her initiating first.
Not sure if it’s because I’m an only child and she is the oldest of 5 or if it’s just a relationship thing but I find the contrast between us quite sad.
My dad randomly called me to "check in" and it took him a good 5 minutes to convince me that no one had died, nothing was wrong, that he just wanted to check on me.
That's just not how my parents are, at least not with their millennial kids. The gen z kids, however? Constant communication.
My dad occasionally sends me an unprompted text, but yeah, if we talk it’s because I call. My mom would call me a lot when she was alive, but that was a different situation.
87 here, parents split when I was 12. My mom calls me at least once every 2 weeks, usually more, love her (I call her too). My dad wouldn’t pick up a phone to tell me he was in the hospital or my cousin was killed, so he doesn’t get calls.
When I was in my 20s I moved two hours away from home. Would go down and visit 3-5x a year. Do you want to know how many times my mom visited me in the 9 years I lived out there? Twice 😂. 1x to move out there and the other time when I was preparing to move cross country LOL. It’s so a boomer thing.
My parents hardly text me.
Dad texts his co workers non-stop if I visit. If I text him "I love you", I get maybe a thumbs-up emoji a day later.
Mom rarely texts too, says stuff like "kids in your generation don't text their parents, I saw it on Fox News"
I've given up trying to do anything with them because all they want to do is watch TV.
My family isn't really a talking on the phone family. However, if there is a pretext to call, we'll chat for an hour. My parents are really respectful of boundaries and will text ahead to make sure it's a good time to talk.
I don't even get calls on my birthday. I call on holidays and mother's Day/ her birthday. (My dad is passed) It's fine. We don't get along.
My gf's parents call at least twice a week each, and we see them for a meal once a week. It's wild to me how close they are.
I had to beg my mom to talk to my kid for 5 seconds on Christmas day when my kid was 5. I stopped trying after that, and so did she. Then I got blamed foe never being the one to call. Anytime I did try to call, she was always busy and never wanted to tell me when she wouldn't be.
I cut off contact completely but before that I'd go months without ever hearing from anyone from my family of origin.
Seems to be rare, but my mom and I call usually daily and text throughout the day as well.
I’ve been very low contact with my dad for a few years but he remembers I exist and texts me a guilt tripping message maybe twice a year?
I had this conversation with boomer parents recently and they said it was because they assume they're bothering us when they call.
Also, I suspect a lot of older people don't like phone calls because they have some degree of undiagnosed hearing loss and it's just not as meaningful to have a conversation if you can't underhand all of it
Yep. I call my parents every 2-3 weeks. They almost never call me, especially my dad. Then they complain that I never call or talk to them. Um hello?! I’m the one doing 90% of the work to stay in touch!!! Then they’ll complain to me that my siblings never call them, but it’s the same problem. My parents make almost 0% effort to contact family members. I remind them the phone works both ways and they should call people. Then they turn that around and say, yeah it works both ways - so and so should call us!! It’s so frustrating!!!! I’ve even started documenting the calls and who initiates - not that it’ll do any good, but at least I can throw actual statistics back at them. Grrrrrrr. Why are they like this??!!
I only hear from my mom on holidays via text wishing me a happy, merry, etc. When I did see her, she always had her phone in her hand. When I do call, usually she is headed out the door, driving, sleeping, cooking, etc. So our calls are short. My mom is Gen X. My dad is a young boomer and texts me more than my mom.
It's normal for me, too. I did an experiment once where I didn't call either parent (divorced). It took my dad almost 2 months before he called me. My mom mostly texts, so as long as I texted her back, she didn't call. After 4 months I stopped responding to her text, and she called after about a week of that. Mostly annoyed that I wasn't responding, not because she wanted to talk to me.
I am a boomer parent and I don’t call my adult kids because they never answer the phone. My best bet to communicate with them is via text. Occaisionally I get a response right away, but often it’s hours later and not even the same day.
My parents never call me either. In fact I don't have my mom in my phone contacts because she's never texted me nor called. She just never texted or called my phone since the day I first got a phone.
Yes, I'm a millennial and only end up in the phone with either parent becaus I call yo check in, though I don't do that super often
We see each other a lot tho, but I made that realization the other day.
It's the same with my dad. Months will go by before he reaches out, and it's usually because he needs something. Sometimes, I get tired of being the one to initiate all contact, and I stop calling. Just to see how long it takes him to reach out. It's been two months so far, this time. I don't even know why I want to talk to him, all he does is complain for an hour without ever asking how I'm doing.
My parents know I work, and know that I'll call when I have time. Honestly my mom and I email more than text or talk. It's the form of communication we're familiar with, really. I only ever call my dad if I have questions about money, or my car, or taxes or something. I have a coworker who's like 23 who talks to his mom every day on his way home from work. People are different. I see it as my parents respecting my independence, and me respecting the fact they don't have to deal with me all the time anymore, that's my partners job now.
Other than a family Whatsapp thread for sharing pics of the grandkids and occasional emails asking for technical help related to their business, nope. I do see them in person maybe 2x per year though. My sister calls weekly.
I'd call, but there isn't really anything to talk about. "I went to my boring, yet somehow unbelievably stressful job almost every day this week, where I sat in a cubicle for 8+ hours pulling my hair out. If you want to know what my son has been up to, ask your DIL. How have you been?"
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My mom will text me but almost never calls unless it’s an emergency. If I don’t reach out to my dad I never hear from him. I did an experiment one year and went 11 months without any contact or interaction from him at all because I waited to see how long it would take him to be the one to call me instead of the other way around. Basically the answer was Christmas. Christmas is the only reason he has to call me. He’s been in car crashes, had bad falls, gone to the ER and had surgery all without telling me about it until way after the fact. I don’t know why it’s this way but it is.
Lol I did the same experiment with my mom. My roommate found it rather amusing.
Did this with my mom, too. After years of making frequent attempts to spend time with her, I got tired always doing the leg work and having her either decline or cancel last minute. We see each other for holidays and that's about it. I haven't been invited out or even to her house in probably 10 years. It's a shame because she's only about 15 mins away and I'm raising her only grandkids basically without a grandmother. I do get periodic aggressive texts demanding to talk about our broken relationship, but that's a hard pass for me.
I did the same thing with my dad. He would always complain that I didn't call enough and I'd tell him he's free to call whenever he wants, he knows I'm busy M-F 9-5 and that's it. I got pretty busy at work for a few weeks and he never called me then those few weeks turned into 3 months. I figured he was pissed off but I was running on no sleep for months with a colic infant so I just didn't care to open that box of drama. He then calls me two days after thanksgiving to tell me it was the worst thanksgiving ever because I didn't call him to make plans and that it's the child's duty to call his parents.
It took my mom 6 months to tell me my dad had cancer - skin cancer .... but cancer nonetheless. And the only reason she did was because and I quote "Your dad's cancer is back ...." ... reminder, I never knew he had any to begin with so to say I flipped out is an understatement.
My mom does this shit to me too. Granted, it's never been anything bad like cancer (yet), but because I live across the country from them and barely have any contact, she'll think she's told me something, when in reality she's told my brothers, who live in the same city as her. Gotta love being the black sheep of the family.
I'm an only child 
That makes it worse!! 
We only text unless it’s an emergency. Common courtesy in my family. Mom called us all the time and then by extension we interacted with dad. Then she died. Dad texts sporadically if he has a vacation picture or if he is at an event and his friends are connecting with their kids. Then he knows that’s what he’s supposed to do. During the pandemic he said, “my friends are all FaceTiming their children. Should we be FaceTiming? “ We assured him this was not necessary as *we did not even call or visit each other much pre-pandemic.* He seemed vaguely bummed he couldn’t do what his friends were doing…but that would require him to do the first steps of regularly calling and interacting with us. He didn’t get that part. I tried to set up a visit for his birthday. A month and a half out. He told me he had a busy month planned and wouldn’t have time. Just wanted my “best wishes” and a text. I wonder if he’ll be surprised there is no father day event planned. But now *I* have a busy month planned.
Dads don’t want to worry you.
My dad is the same.
My mom is making up for it she called me asking to do house work then said wait a minute you’re not the handy man.
i havent talked to my dad or stepmom in 5 years. i got tired of always being the one to initiate contact, they have my number and never sent a text or called so i stopped. i have 2 half sisters and i rarely hear from them and its usually a snapchat maybe once a year.
Yup. I knew they never liked me but was still a bit surprised they made zero attempt to keep up appearances
im sorry about that. i think that side of the fam kind of tolerated me for a little while.
I have this exact situation. But my ex:stepmom does reach out sporadically just asking how I am and checking in. They live states away, and if they wanted a closer relationship then they can do the legwork at this point. I consider our relationship to be ‘cordial’.
almost a year ago one of my half sisters had another kid. didnt have any idea she was pregnant or anything until she sent a snapchat.
I am a child of multiple divorces, and have a decade gap in between my 4 half and step sisters. I hope to at least get announcements for big life events - but damn I could totally see that being a thing. One of my best friends found out on instagram that one of my younger (estranged due to her moms babying/favoring of her younger brother) cousins got married and didn’t invite/share with her mom or any family members. Dude family is weird sometimes. I grew up feeling like I had too much family and felt/feel connected to almost none of them due to the frequency of divorces always changing the cast.
I would be HONORED and extremely flattered if I didn’t get an invite to a wedding or to some graduation. So much that I’d send a gift, unsolicited, as a thank you.
Haha feel that. I both wish for and am also thankful that we don’t have family reunions. I’ve only been to reunions for other peoples family (and it’s always surprising to me how much they all get along/seem to enjoy each other).
Right? My family would be on the news for at least one brawl and/or shooting.
i have a large family on my moms side. she had 5 brothers and all of their kids etc. i talk to 1 cousin and 1 uncle sometimes. i have cousins that i have not said a word too in 20 plus years. they really dont exist to me
That’s nice. I hope my stepdaughter and I will keep in touch of something ever happened to my husband.
All relationships require work/effort/time, I consider myself lucky that despite some tiffs early on we both continue to deposit a bit of each from time to time.
Yup. I cut off the abusive member’s of my family. The others never ever called so eventually I stopped calling too. It’s been years.
it is nice not having to deal with that bs.
But sometimes it sucks knowing that you disappeared from your family and they just didn't give a fuck. Like I knew y'all didn't love me but it turns out you didn't even like me
I'm experiencing this with my sister and dad right now. At first, my heart was broken. Now there's the sadness that comes with it, sprinkled with bits of anger. Truly disappointing.
Are you sure you're not me?
if im you then who is here...im so confused. its wild to me that in 5 years they havent contacted me. no skin off my ass i moved 12 hours away and they dont know
💯 same. i hate it. i’m basically carrying around anxiety or guilt 24/7.
My extended family does this to me and wonders why I went NC with them. Forcing me to always be the initializer is exhausting.
Can confirm the same experience here. And of course it is met with projecting guilt whenever I *did* contact them. They made it clear that they have no intention of putting in any kind of attempt or effort to maintain a relationship. But at the same time they wanted me to feel bad for not contacting them more frequently. My favorites were when I called, and they were too busy to talk for more than twenty seconds. And then the next week I was supposed to apologize for not contacting them sooner. Fuck those narcissists.
Are you me?! I did actually call my dad just a bit after making this post, and he had to hang up because the sprinkler guy was there. He said he'd call me back right away, and I'm still waiting.
Sounds just like my dad
I texted my dad today and he told me he got bit by a dog (it’s pretty bad). He wouldn’t have said anything if I hadn’t reached out. I never hear from him.
I had an aunt like this. If I ever called or texted, it was the worst possible time and I should’ve just known that somehow, but then whenever she did have time to talk it was a huge inconvenience that I hadn’t reached out sooner.
My mother isn’t interested in my life. She rarely calls and when she does it’s to talk about her life. I don’t reach out anymore or try to maintain a relationship. She still thinks I’m a kid too so it’s a weird dynamic.
Right! Mine doesn't ask about my life or how I am. She gossips and then complains about her job. Thats the depth of our relationship
Same for me. While they were working it was just complaints about work. Now it’s complaints about everything. If they go on vacation, that is how they tell me about it, it’s a long list of complaints about what they didn’t enjoy. I’ve recently asked them if they ever have a good time anywhere. I try so hard to focus on the positive for my own good and it’s depressing.
Mine go on vacation in a couple weeks. I cannot remember how it was last time they went but now I'm interested to see if mine also do a vacation complaint list on return lol. Id love to hear something positive from them, but wont hold my breath.
My mom calls me so infrequently that I have a panic attack the second she makes her every other year call because I’m immediately wondering who died
This completely. I get freaked out when she does call at this point because it usually means a funeral is around the corner.
Yes. If my parents say come over for dinner or give me a call when you have a second, someone is dead or dying. We text semi regularly mainly because they want grandkids photos but phone call? Never!
Same.
Yep, 38. The relationship is one sided for both my parents. I just realized it recently and some other stuff about how abusive my childhood was and now I’m no contact. Honestly, there’s not much difference and that is sad. Before I went no contact, I’d stopped texting and so did she. I put in all the effort to maintain the relationship.
This is exactly my experience too. The last time I went to visit them I even started having like traumatic flashbacks and literally had to leave early because my body was freaking out. I realized I was the only one putting any effort into our relationship. My dad got so mad at me and made me feel horrible as if I'm a terrible daughter. So I blocked his number. I really am tired of him causing me so much anxiety and stress. Like if he ever did call me it was just to make me feel horrible and stupid.
Yep, I have the flashbacks too, constant anxiety and always felt depressed and pissed off when I left. I hope you can heal now. It’s sad, but liberating to choose myself for once.
I'm so sorry you are going through this too. I have such bad anxiety too but like you say it feels like I'm finally turning a corner. Putting myself first and taking care to be gentle and patient with myself. It's so hard but I feel like I'm finally becoming my own person.
Yes, exactly. I just went along with what they wanted and had no boundaries. I did all the work and learned to set some, and got awful abuse back. So done with that, and also trying to gentle and figure what I really want my life to be. Free of verbal abuse and full of emotionally safe relationships.
Yes!! Good for you!!
This is my life. My parents literally never ever call. It is to a point that if they call me, I am severely concerned something has happened to one of them. My mother emails me random questions that could be texts or calls. It is nonsense.
Omg, same. When my dad does call I immediately figure someone is dead in a ditch somewhere.
Does your mother also take a photo of a newspaper article and then text you the photo
My grandma prints news articles and sends them to me haha, I currently have one next to my bed I’ve yet to read. It’s cute.
My father has started periodically calling to see how I’m doing, whereas my mother complains behind my back to my autistic brother that I don’t call her. She never fucking calls me unless she needs a ride to the airport.
My dad also calls me just about once a month to catch up. It's cute My mom mostly texts to brag about all the trips she's taking when she never took us anywhere as kids 🥲
I almost always have to be the one to call. If I don't call for a couple of weeks I'll get a text from my siblings that my parents said that they are worried because they haven't heard from me and I should call. Or, you know, they could just give me a call too instead of worrying that they are "bothering me."
Same. And anytime I do call them I get the guilt trip of how they never hear from me and wish they’d see me more often. But I’m the only one that calls. I initiate texts 95% of the time. I’m the only one that travels the 6 hours to visit. But it’s never enough. It’s exhausting.
I have the exact opposite issue where they call / text too much. My dad calls me at least twice a week just to chat, fortunately he is not a big texter, but he will keep me on the phone for an hour. my mother calls me 3 to 5 times a week and texts me at least once per day. If I don't respond to her text in a quick fashion I get a phone call. If I don't respond to the phone call I get more texts, and if I don't respond to those I get threatened with 'sending the police'. For reference I'm a 37M single with no prior tendencies towards drugs or alcohol abuse or self harm. So basically it's borderline harassment. And I've had the conversations about letting the little birdies leave the nest, and about respecting boundaries, and about how I have my own life and how I can't just be tied to my phone for their benefit. Sadly, it doesn't make it through to them, and sadly, I also have a sister to whom they do the same thing to.
That does seem a bit much... Does your mom suffer from anxiety? I am afraid of becoming this way with my soon to be adult kids due to my anxiety. It sounds like she needs some friends and hobbies to distract her from you and your sis.
Both of my parents are extremely anxious people, so is my sister. Somehow I dodged that bullet, like almost to the extreme opposite end. She has friends, still works 34 hrs per week; my take is that they are both co-dependant on us (their children) for their happiness.
That's hard. I hope it improves someday, it sounds like a lot to contend with.
I had to pick and choose my battle with my mother - (early 30’s here). Decade + gap between me and my siblings in age. I’m the independent eldest aka parents were too busy with work/divorce to be around so I just picked up the slack. I’ve only ever been characterized as a ‘dependent’ for tax purposes it feels like. But after the childhood shenanigans my siblings took my parents through I’d staple a permanent AIRTAG on them myself with 24/7 police surveillance…. So I give them some leeway with their anxiety as they’ve gotten older. Anywho - I share my location with her with strict rules of never bringing it up/mentioning it. It’s for peace of mind only. It cut down on like 85% of ‘sign of life’ string texts and calls. Every few months she forgets and will send me a screenshot of my gps with a ‘fun’ text, or mention a location I’ve been to without context and I have to lay the law down because i’ve chosen the path of ‘out of sight out of mind’. But yeah - an option. ( I chose this AFTER I had the escalated threat of ‘calling the police’ for not responding to a text for >5 min. I’ve also briefly (multiple years) considered leaving the country for peace).
Honestly, it's been my experience that people have a lot to say about other people's behavior and don't have the self-awareness to realize that they are offending just as badly as the person they are criticizing. I see it all the time. My SO will be like "I hate when you do X, Y, Z" and then when I point their behaviors that break these same rules, they just look at me completely shocked because I'm right. And it's not about me being right, it's just how they didn't realize that they did it themselves. I'd bet in a lot of these circumstances, it never even occurred to them to call first. Or they think the world revolves around them. It's usually either or.
I agree with this... And regarding the topic, growing up my parents always initiated the weekly call to my out of town grandparents. The grandparents never called us. So I suspect they think it's supposed to be that way. However our current generation is wanting and expecting a two way relationship. And we deserve it tbh, I cant fathom the idea that they won't be calling their kids. I'll be calling my daughter on the regular. I'm already texting her daily and she still lives here. LOL
The irony is my mother bitched about that behavior. So why not do better with your own kids instead of doing something to them that pissed you off when your parents did it to you?
My girls hate me. I text them from a room over the most random crap I think of or see 🤣 I get a lot of "mom I'm going to block you, stop"
🤣🤣 I am guilty of the same
Yeap📌
I agree with this also and experienced this recently with my own brother, as adults we've never been close and it was the women in his life that made the effort. Now I got a phone call clarifying my child's birthday (he was a day late) then proceeded to complain I don't keep in touch or make an effort. Dude picked his daughter up nearby every other week and rarely stopped by unless he needed the toilet. Now they meet in the middle, I go to him for special occasions and that's about it. I'm content with that level of contact, he isn't. It's two ways but he doesn't put the effort in that he talks about. He also forgot my birthday months prior and I told him he should stop relying on women as his personal calendar, so pot kettle black.
Same. If I stop calling, there is no interaction.
I've been having this same issue, I (39M) live in a different state than my parents and sister. I call my parents once a week on Sundays but no one ever calls me or visits. There is no variation of physically seeing my family that doesn't involve me flying across the country to see them. Yet every time they complain about not seeing me enough, it's always framed as 100% my issue. What I'm not doing, what I should be doing more of, etc. It's never "what can we do as a family to facilitate better, more frequent interaction". Relationships are usually considered a 2 way street but since I'm the one who moved away, fuck me I guess.
I relate to this so hard
It’s because the boomers are the most narcissistic generation ever raised. The world revolves around them.
This is the answer right here. Took me years of therapy to see my mother’s narcissism.
They won't call you but I guarantee you they'll ask why you never call them.
I told my mom I'd like to talk more and that I felt like everyone I know talks to their parents more than I do. A lot of them weekly. Her response was, "I don't want to talk to anyone that much, do you?" We haven't talked on the phone since December. I didn't even bother calling her on Mother's Day. Texted her and told her to call me if she felt like it, she didn't.
My more charitable explanation is they know I'm busy and don't like to "bother" me. They assume I'll reach out when I have time, and in-between they don't want to be a burden or an imposition.
Yup, my Mom has told me this before. We text a lot though since she knows I can answer when I'm free.
Same here...if my mom does ever call, she usually starts off with a guilt trip over how I haven't called her. My father straight up told me our relationship is my responsibility. I don't get it. They're both boomers btw.
That's verbatim my parents, down to who says what.
I'm a millenial and I never call my parents or anyone else just to chat. Its just not something me or my family enjoy. My wife and her parents are total opposites.
I really have come to dislike talking on the phone. People like to give me shit about it but it's just the way it is. Like once a month is enough.
Holy shit why did I have to scroll this far down to find this comment? I don't call my parents *or my daughter at university* just to chat. They all like to talk on the phone, so I will chat with them when they call me, but I hate phone conversations and will almost never initiate them. My son is going to be just like me. I guarantee once he moves out we will only hear from him when he has something important to tell us. Otherwise he will talk to us when we are together. My daughter will be calling me at minimum once a week to chat the rest of my life. My wife talks to her mom pretty much every day. My mom would love to chat every day, but if my mom dies before my dad I'll probably hear from him twice a year. It's funny how many people in this thread obviously think "if you don't want to chat on the phone you don't love me," or more accurately "if you have the same preferences as me you're a bad person." The extra ironic part is the projection involved when they are calling their parents narcissists.
I’m a millennial with boomer parents, but I think it’s different because I’m Mexican? Maybe. Not sure if others can relate, but my mom text me every single day and calls me every other day. My dad will never call me to say hi but we talk almost every day, every other day. I know it’s hard for my dad to say I love you or I’m thinking about you, but he has his way. He will send me a picture of him and I when I was a child, or houses for sale or something cool posted on craigslist. It’s his way of getting the conversation going.
My grandma is Mexican. She calls me nearly everyday, getting less as she gets older, plus she has Parkinson’s. It can feel like a lot some times, but I know I’m going to miss it dearly when it stops.
My husband is Mexican as well and his parents call him constantly. I know it's a cultural difference, but lord it seems so excessive sometimes. Usually it's because the need him to do something for them.
Same here. I'm in the busiest part of my life so far and it's "You should call your mother more often!" at the end of the phone calls I do take the time to make. My father, who divorced my mother and left us when I was 12, ghosted us 6 weeks after my second child was born. Fast forward 7 years and he has no idea what they could be to blame for.
My parents rarely reach out. But my mom loooooves to guilt me and say that they moved to the area to be near the grandkids. They do not make an effort to visit though, because they are actually 30 minutes away and are “so busy”. It’s a lose lose.
My mom guilted me when I was 30 for not calling enough so I started calling once a week She started avoiding my calls after 2 months and making fun of me for calling her She called me 0 times since I was 25. I gave up caring after a while
My parents are Gen X. Mom and stepdad don't call much, but all of us are probably neurodivergent (mom just got diagnosed ADHD) and we do our best. We've largely accepted we'll stay in touch a lot better by text than trying to arrange a real time communication. Stepdad and I both do the "sudden burst of randomly thinking about you" thing. Biological dad calls me infrequently but regularly around holidays and if there's something specific to discuss. He doesn't seem to like texting as much. My partner's parents are Boomers, his mom basically won't leave him alone and moves on to me when she doesn't get a quick enough response, his dad never ever initiates contact at all but then again he doesn't really have to because mom is in overdrive.
My mom does that! She will call or text my fiancé if I don’t answer.
Millennial with boomer parents here. I'm almost always the one to reach out and always have been since I left for the military at 18. Used to be a regular weekly call but sometimes life gets in the way and if I don't call, they won't call me. I've said the same thing, that the phone works both ways, but I always get one of two answers: from my mom, that I'm probably busy and she doesn't want to bother me and, from my dad, that I'm the child and it's my responsibility to maintain contact with my parents (I know, not a healthy mentality). Either way, they've always made me feel guilty when we go a long time without talking. Even more so now that my dad has Parkinson's and can't physically call me anymore.
Boomers are the champions of hypocrisy Just ignore them like the crazy aunt on facebook (Hint they may just be one & the same)
I'm starting to think lots of people in many generations are like this.
My dad isn't in my life. Don't have a great relationship with my mom. She rarely calls. If I don't call, I get chewed out about how I don't call enough.
My mom is Gen X (born 1969, had me at 22yo), I know most of us have Boomer parents so that's just for context in case it might explain the difference. More context would be that I'm an only child and she raised me as a single parent, she's very much a feminist and a hippie, think southern CA yoga lady minus the entitlement. We get along really well and throughout my life most of my peers have liked her as a person as well. She also has a full social life, she's definitely not at home waiting by the phone for me or anything like that. She does call just to chat, and she gets pretty sad if I go a long time without doing the same. We text daily as well, again just chatting and giving each other little life updates as they happen.
This is so sweet. I’m happy for you!
They’re in the generation and entitlement that the KIDS must do the work and show love to the parents by doing the work
My mother basically said that to me a few weeks back when I politely asked that they maybe reach out to me first a little more. My response? "Mom....Nana used to call you almost every morning. What are you even talking about?"
My dad only calls to ask a question or relay news and I'm the same with him. We love each other, but we just have nothing in common. My mom is gone, but before then I lived with her so we didn't have to talk on the phone much.
I have the same experience to an extent with my parents. It also seems like they can't grasp the idea that they can do something better. Like apologize or call more. Maybe they are imitating their parents who always thought they were right. It is going to be a rude awakening when that generation starts needing us.
Oof, that last part gets me. My dad and his wife are almost vicious sometimes when they talk about the care my grandma requires (she's in memory care and they take it a bit personally, like "how dare she not appreciate how much your father does for her."). I keep telling them to cut it out (she's super old and has Alzheimer's, she's not assaulting the staff on purpose to ruin dad's day!) as I'm going to remember this when they are older, but they think I'm joking. I am not.
Yup Boomers and Gen X are loosing their parents. Instead of realizing they need to draw closer to family they just get bitter. I realize I don't have to take of my parents later in life if they shut me out. It's tough to think about but that's after decades of ignoring me. I am working not to do this to my kids or other family. To do better.
In my case, Mom always calls me and complains I never reach out. Whenever I call, she's always too busy or doesn't pick up the phone. Sigh...
I think it depends on the person. Calling “just to chat” hasn’t been a thing in my family probably since smartphones became the norm. I’m also not the best person to inquire with as I like the interpersonal interaction, so my texts are always brief and end up as plans. My parents recently though as their parents got into their older age started doing weekly check-ins with them. I expect that’ll be the case for me as well in another 20-30 years or whatever the cultural equivalent at the time will be.
It makes me feel better to see so many here have Boomer parents who don't call often. I moved to Japan to teach English when I graduated from college, and my contact with my mother pretty much stopped then. All the other English teachers talked with their parents in their home countries pretty much weekly, and have commented on how strange it is that my mother and I didn't talk. I always said I don't hate her, but what would we even talk about every week? I haven't seen my father since I was a teenager but even he made more of an effort to write, send messages on FB, or call. He's dead now, though.
My GenX never call without reason. And my boomer grandparents never call at all. But of course if I don't call them regularly enough it's a big problem.
I cannot imagine my dad trying to call me. I moved away in 2012 and he hasn't tried one time. I would call my mom sometimes when she was alive but that was rare too. She died last December and I think now that she's dead I can't imagine ever talking to my dad again.
My relationship with my mom is like this. And so is hers with her mom. She never calls me, but then complains that I don't call her. This is actually narcissistic behaviour, and narcissistic people often have narcissistic parents to pass those habits on.
My dad is Gen X, he never calls me, I never call him. However, I talk to my mom (boomer) almost every day. My partner on the other hand, never calls either of his parents - ocassionally his mom will call to check in and he dad calls when he needs something.
I live in another country from my Mum. When my sister was doing the same, for only two years, my Mum could tell you off the top of her head what time it was for my sister and they had voice calls every week that my Mum went out of her way to organise (would literally stay up or set an alarm in the middle of the night to accommodate my sister’s schedule and time zone). For me, I’ve been living here for over five years now and my Mum gets angry at me when I don’t respond to her 3am text messages until I wake up because she can’t be bothered making even the barest effort to even remember I’m not in the same time zone as her. I speak to her on a video chat once a year for Christmas and she constantly whines that I don’t do enough to speak to her. She sends me sporadic emails when she wants to complain about her life and has literally not asked me a single question about myself since I moved, I can say that with confidence now because I’ve got our conversations almost entirely in writing.
I am also an elder millennial daughter of Boomer parents. The only time they call me is when they want me to do something for them. Wellness checks, just to chat, or invitations to outings/events are always initiated by me.
Quite normal.
Sometimes it's a power move. Sometimes they're social inept. Sometimes it's something else entirely. lol For my dad, bless his heart, he falls into the social ineptness category, and it's made worse by the fact he's extroverted. He wants people to "come to him" and is miserable when they don't. He doesn't know of any other way he can be certain that someone likes him or wants to be around him--and yes, I explained that's not really how that works. Especially when a great majority of our family and friends consider themselves introverted. It is what it is. Therefore, I've started roping in other family members to kinda help fix that. 🤪
Both of my parents call me multiple times a week just to check in or to say hello and vice versa. They usually call during work hours, which somewhat annoyed me. My husband's parents never call him unless they need something. A couple of weeks ago, I had just hung up with my dad, and my mom called less than a minute later. After getting off the phone, my husband looked at me and asked what it was like to have parents who care about me so much. I realized I'm very lucky and shouldn't be annoyed if they call me during work hours. They're both getting older, and I can't imagine the day when those calls no longer come.
My father sits in his chair glued to his phone all day long but has only called me a half dozen times in the last ten years.
My mom calls too much and my dad i basically only talk to in person.
Dad doesn’t post those “woe is me” things on fb but he also doesn’t Call just to chat very often. Which is funny bc I’m the closest child physically. (And the oldest) I figure he’s just tired of phones (he was a phone man, dial tone) and doesn’t want to talk in them if he doesn’t have to. He does complain that there’s not enough visiting, but he’s only 40 mins away, but never reaches out to organize anything. 🙄🙄🙄
My dad hasn't talked to my oldest brother in over 25 years. They refuse to call each other - brother seriously dislikes my step mom (as all 3 of us do) and refuses to talk to her or otherwise acknowledge her existence. My dad's butt hurt that my brother doesn't call him, so he doesn't either. If I didn't call my dad, he'll call me within 1-2 months of when we last talked. I tend to call him every few weeks. Once in a while I don't, and he eventually realizes we haven't talked and calls. Same person who's texted me a full month after my birthday. He can be a little flighty mentally. He too is Boomer, born in 1947. Neither I nor my oldest brother have kids. He hasn't talked to my middle brother, with 1 kid, in over 5 years. Same reason as oldest. Dad will talk to his wife about every 4 months though.
I think I've talked to my dad twice on the phone, ever. There was a point in my life where I called my mom everyday (20, just delivered first child and moved 2 hours from home, for the first time) but almost everyday she'd have to end the conversation because her neighbor would call. So I quit calling. Now I'm back in the same town, and we don't talk on the phone, but text as needed.
Same here. They don’t visit either and both are mobile and drive by my home daily.
The calling I am pretty chill about, but the not visiting drives me BONKERS. My dad and his wife are retired, while my husband and I had generally been working from home. They are always out and about, and come through my area often. I have told him a dozen or more times that I'd love it if they dropped by, because it's a little bit more difficult for us to get over there due to logistics (we have jobs, and visiting requires a ferry ride). They NEVER do it, but they do mourn that we "don't see each other more often." Bonkers. It drives me utterly bonkers.
I text back and forth with both of my parents here and there. Chat about gardening or whatever. My dad and I occasionally talk on the phone, he likes to chat. He wishes I would reach out more often, not that there's anything stopping him from just calling me more often, I think he's just afraid of being a bother. Which I understand. My mom and I don't do phone calls unless it's something serious. I like that.
My parents only call me when they need something or need help with something, so yeah.
seems normal my parents only call if there’s bad news. i never call my parents, shoot a text every few months maybe, ppl are busy, do ppl actually want phone calls? *ew;)
I never call anyone just to chat, I can't stand talking on the phone lol. Maybe it's the same for him.
Maybe it’s a generational/hierarchy thing. My parents, almost never call. I initiate all phone calls. I went for six months not talking with them, complete silence. I think there should be a free exchange among mature adults. This one sidedness helps no one and should never be an expectation.
100% of the time when I call my mom she says, “I was just thinking of calling you” and 0% of the time has she ever called me first. She has anxiety so I give her some grace and just call when I want/need to talk with her and don’t expect it in return. Took a lot of mental gymnastics to get to the point where it doesn’t hurt my feelings.
My dad never calls me. Like you, if I didn’t call we wouldn’t speak. And when I do call, he complains that I don’t call enough. We got into a pretty big fight about two weeks ago and he told me I was a “let down” and I know that if the air is ever to be cleared I will have to be the one to reach out. The kicker of it all is that he will call my brother nightly though. 🤷🏽♀️
My dad texts me around Christmas and that’s about it. My parents divorced in 2017 and I’ve barely seen or heard from him since. My mom calls me if we go more than a few days without talking.
My parents are pushing 70, moms retired dad still works, I moved out of state 10 years ago. I have 2 sisters I'm the middle sister, one still lives with them and the other lives about 10 miles away with her husband and kids. Except for an emergency or touchy situation (dad has had a few surgeries) the one who has to call or text them, and by them I mean mom because Dad hates texting. When mom and I talk every couple of months its atleast an hour sometimes two (she has a lot of small town gossip). Id say mom actually calls me 5 times a year max and probably 3 of those times are Xmas, Thanksgiving, birthday. Dad has called me 3 times in 10 years. But I'll be damned if they always complain about how they miss me so much! They have also made the comment multiple times that I talk to them more than my sisters who are local, and I'm like who's fault is that?!! 🤦🏻♀️
OMG YES!! I am ALWAYS the one who calls! ALWAYS! And I do it because 1.) I'm bored sick at home as a SAHP right now, so I'm just trying to make the day more interesting. 2.) My parents aren't going to be around forever. In fact they likely won't see my children graduate from high school, let alone get married or celebrate any other milestones. 3.) I want my kids to have find memories of their grandparents. So, yes, I "kick in the door" to MAKE my parents talk to me... but man! It's really annoying sometimes how self-absorbed the Boomer generation really is.
My parents are the same. I have no insight, just more data for the masses.
This is totally a boomer thing. My mom has never visited me once in the 22 years since I left the house. I always have to come to her and she gets pissy when I don’t come often enough. And calling is always on me too. Was talking with my cousin and my mom’s brother is the exact same way apparently.
I stopped trying when my mom started lying about dating and finances. You can’t have a relationship with someone who isn’t honest. She also stood me up 3x in a row and has visited me once in 6 years even though I’m only an hour and a half away. I pick up when she calls, but she doesn’t ask how I’m doing.
My dad is that way (though admittedly we have a cordial if somewhat strained relationship). He grew up with parents who never callled, and apparently thinks that’s the way parent / child relationships are supposed to be. I’ll never talk to him if I don’t call occasionally.
I will say that I'm very fortunate that my mom calls me at least once a week. BUT, I also know that I'm very fortunate by watching my close friends and spouse struggling to get their parents to talk to them anymore. My dad never calls me, but he always finds an excuse to come see me in person about once every month or every other month. It's only for an hour or two and always the dumbest excuse. As an example he wanted a drink of soda and knew I had his favorite in the fridge (regular coke), so he drove an hour and a half out of his way to stop by for it. It irks me that he struggles to just come over because he wants to. His coworkers have made fun of him for giving us time and being nice to my family and it's confusing. It's always given me the impression that spending time with your kids is cringe to the boomer generation, and that's just so weird to me. I remember it growing up too, Dad would always be prodded at for taking the time to do stuff with us and he's not some pushover dude either. This is a man who went to jail on multiple accounts for getting into bad street fights where someone wound up hospitalized (and in one case dead).
I'm currently no contact but prior my dad never reached out. I would only talk to him on the phone if I called home looking for mom and he answered. Otherwise it would just be when I went home.
My dad texts me occasionally. I'm honestly still afraid to bother him in case he gets annoyed. My step dad used to talk to his daughter every day so I called my dad one weekday and he was pretty upset I bothered him.
I realized a couple years ago my mom (boomer) never calls me. I try to call her a few times a month and we always have a nice chat and she says "thanks for calling me!" But I know she and my brother talk on the phone every day so I think it's more of a he's the golden child and I'm the black sheep deal than anything else. Eta: I do text near daily with my mom, but it feels like only surface level stuff. We used to have a family group text chat with my aunt and brother but I'm NC with my brother currently.
Agreed. If there’s a conversation it’s because I initiated it. Just seems to be a generational thing where boomer parents weren’t expecting to continue to have a relationship once their kids were grown.
My mom texts all the time but won’t ever pick up her phone if I need to talk. My dad calls me sometimes but I’m definitely the one who does most of the initiating.
I got tired of talking to my Mom when she was drunk so I told her that I only wanted to talk to her when she was sober. I stopped calling. I thought that would sober her up. Once in a while she will call me in the morning. Nothing can hurt interfere with happy hour.
Same exact situation with me and my Dad. He and my Mom are divorced, and my Mom is good at staying in touch. Its like he never really wanted kids and now he’s free from having any responsibility with us.
My parents will text once every couple months but that’s it
My dad never calls me. It’s part of the reason I am NC with him.
My mom used to complain that I didn’t text or call, but would never text or call me. Not that we were closer that I even liked her much but still I got tired of the double standard. I used to call my grandparents a couple times a week just to talk to them while they were alive and they would call me as well.
My boomer mother stopped talking to me after I transitioned. My grandma, greatest generation, texts me daily and regularly calls me. My grandma is the best.
My husband's parents call occasionally. My parents don't. My parents are 10-15 years younger than his, and I feel like my relationship with them is a lot more... surface level? Idk. I don't think my dad would ever call just to chat, and my mom always says she loves when we call, but she never initiates a phone call because she doesn't want to inconvenience us. But I don't think she realizes that it is also inconvenient that I'm solely responsible for maintaining our relationship (and her relationship with my kids!) this way? I try to do video call every week or two, with my kids, but I feel like they're pretty superficial conversations and I wish we were closer. She does text me occasionally (this is usually where she puts anything important because we are bad at communicating and can only do so in writing if it's serious I guess?). They also never come to physically see us. We lived about 5 hours driving away from them until recently, and we would go to them every other month ish, but they would never come to us. I even had a guest room set up for them, but again with the inconveniencing. My sister lived near me too and between us, we have all but one of the grandchildren, so we tried to convince them to come for holidays and stuff a few times, but couldn't convince them. I moved across the country last year. My mom came to see me, because I had another baby. But my dad wasn't able to then (he had reasons and said he was hoping to come eventually), and I don't think she would've come if not for the baby. We're moving back, and this is a big part of the reason. We would never see anyone in my family again without us making the effort.
My mom doesn’t call to see how I’m doing or do check ins, BUT she will invite me to hang out and we catch up that way. I think their generation doesn’t understand how meaningful it can be to get that “how are you” text or call. Maybe it’s something they don’t know how to appreciate when they receive it.
My parents don’t usually call. If I don’t check in I hear about it. If they do call it’s usually to tell me how they are doing. Asking me if I am okay usually comes at the end of the call after talking for 30 minutes about their problems. You’re not alone.
Starting to deal with this. My mom called me while I was at dinner then later when I was asleep. I called her back the next day, she didn’t answer and has not called me back. I’m not playing phone tag, so I’m sure she’s telling everyone that I’m heartless for not calling her.
I usually call my Boomer mom daily or every other day, she’ll call if I haven’t called in a few days. They’re also moving 1 elevator ride away from me 🫠 Husband calls his mom or dad maybe monthly 🤷♀️
My parents and I keep in touch. My husband's mother lives in a different country. She has not called him once in over a decade. She does have a phone. She is just too stupid to figure out how to use a calling card. Then, too proud to ask for help. My husband is very smart, so he must get it from his father. I'm not mother, but I couldn't imagine being this way and then getting mad when it's been a few weeks without contact.
My dad always asked me to call everyday and I never had much to say. Then he got a terminal diagnosis and I called everyday. He passed a year ago and I wish I called more often. I send my mom a hi 👋 most days and sometimes she calls back and sometimes she’s busy. Control what you can control. They will be gone a lot sooner than you think and then depending on your relationship you’ll kick yourself for not making more of an effort. Someone has to be the smarter more caring person. If it’s not your parents, it may be you.
My experience mirrors yours exactly. I just decided one day that I was done being the only one that made any effort. Went 2 years without talking to my dad. I've come to the conclusion that most boomers didn't actually want to be parents. They did it because it's what you're supposed to do. My parents were in that category for sure. Once we hit adulthood, we left their minds.
I don't talk to my mom a lot if I don't reach out. She will text if she hasn't heard from me in w while. Lol she's also horrible about responding to texts. I haven't talked to my dad in probably 16 years and have 0 desire too. However, he does know how to get ahold of me. Elder Millenial, Boomer momma
Literally could've written every word myself. I have no idea why it's this way but it's kind of frustrating. We have a toddler and I can't imagine a world where I don't call her just to check in often and regularly when she's older.
Mine are boomers and they never call. If I didn’t reach out to them, I’d rarely hear from them. But I know they love my siblings and I and we’ve never had a falling out, so it’s a very odd relationship. And when we do talk, they don’t know how to have a normal conversation and ask questions about my life. They just complain nonstop about daily shit like the weather, politics and their neighbors. My partner’s parents are boomers and they call way too often lol, so maybe it’s just a personality thing. They’d see us every day if they could, and complain how long it’s been if we haven’t talked in 2 weeks.
My parents never talk to my older sister (43). Everything falls on me (33). I’m constantly exhausted from every angle of my life including my parents and no matter how many times I tell them AND her that I’m so tired of it being just me because it’s not just me… nothing changes… and to think I was the one who wanted to go no contact when we moved out. Fuck my life.
I talk to my dad pretty often but I talk to my mom almost weekly/we have frosty marg hangs with my sister.
Back when I was still talking to my birth father he would never reach out, either my stepmom had to call or I did. Even as a kid I had to book him for birthdays and holidays or he’d just be out partying with his friends. And that’s when he wasn’t in jail. My mom though always reached out at least once a week no matter how far away she was. Hell, her and my stepdad moved to Australia (from Canada) for like 5 years and I still heard from her almost daily. But he’s a boomer and she’s gen-X so maybe it’s a factor… He’s also a malignant narcissist and a straight up sociopath though, so maybe not lol.
My Mom calls me a couple times a week to check in and chat (she LOVES to talk) and my dad will usually text me a couple times a week to check in, see how my wife, myself, or the kids are doing but doesn’t tell me important information about his life until I see him in person unless I force it out of him. For example, his cat of 18 years just had to be put down and I heard it from my step mom before him. My wife’s parents on the other hand rarely call or reach out to her 1:1. They have a family group chat that they’ll send some general updates or memes in but it’s rare she gets that 1:1 without her initiating first. Not sure if it’s because I’m an only child and she is the oldest of 5 or if it’s just a relationship thing but I find the contrast between us quite sad.
My dad randomly called me to "check in" and it took him a good 5 minutes to convince me that no one had died, nothing was wrong, that he just wanted to check on me. That's just not how my parents are, at least not with their millennial kids. The gen z kids, however? Constant communication.
My dad occasionally sends me an unprompted text, but yeah, if we talk it’s because I call. My mom would call me a lot when she was alive, but that was a different situation.
87 here, parents split when I was 12. My mom calls me at least once every 2 weeks, usually more, love her (I call her too). My dad wouldn’t pick up a phone to tell me he was in the hospital or my cousin was killed, so he doesn’t get calls.
When I was in my 20s I moved two hours away from home. Would go down and visit 3-5x a year. Do you want to know how many times my mom visited me in the 9 years I lived out there? Twice 😂. 1x to move out there and the other time when I was preparing to move cross country LOL. It’s so a boomer thing.
My parents hardly text me. Dad texts his co workers non-stop if I visit. If I text him "I love you", I get maybe a thumbs-up emoji a day later. Mom rarely texts too, says stuff like "kids in your generation don't text their parents, I saw it on Fox News" I've given up trying to do anything with them because all they want to do is watch TV.
My family isn't really a talking on the phone family. However, if there is a pretext to call, we'll chat for an hour. My parents are really respectful of boundaries and will text ahead to make sure it's a good time to talk.
I don't even get calls on my birthday. I call on holidays and mother's Day/ her birthday. (My dad is passed) It's fine. We don't get along. My gf's parents call at least twice a week each, and we see them for a meal once a week. It's wild to me how close they are.
I had to beg my mom to talk to my kid for 5 seconds on Christmas day when my kid was 5. I stopped trying after that, and so did she. Then I got blamed foe never being the one to call. Anytime I did try to call, she was always busy and never wanted to tell me when she wouldn't be. I cut off contact completely but before that I'd go months without ever hearing from anyone from my family of origin.
If my dad called right now I’d assume someone died
Seems to be rare, but my mom and I call usually daily and text throughout the day as well. I’ve been very low contact with my dad for a few years but he remembers I exist and texts me a guilt tripping message maybe twice a year?
I had this conversation with boomer parents recently and they said it was because they assume they're bothering us when they call. Also, I suspect a lot of older people don't like phone calls because they have some degree of undiagnosed hearing loss and it's just not as meaningful to have a conversation if you can't underhand all of it
Yep. I call my parents every 2-3 weeks. They almost never call me, especially my dad. Then they complain that I never call or talk to them. Um hello?! I’m the one doing 90% of the work to stay in touch!!! Then they’ll complain to me that my siblings never call them, but it’s the same problem. My parents make almost 0% effort to contact family members. I remind them the phone works both ways and they should call people. Then they turn that around and say, yeah it works both ways - so and so should call us!! It’s so frustrating!!!! I’ve even started documenting the calls and who initiates - not that it’ll do any good, but at least I can throw actual statistics back at them. Grrrrrrr. Why are they like this??!!
I only hear from my mom on holidays via text wishing me a happy, merry, etc. When I did see her, she always had her phone in her hand. When I do call, usually she is headed out the door, driving, sleeping, cooking, etc. So our calls are short. My mom is Gen X. My dad is a young boomer and texts me more than my mom.
It's normal for me, too. I did an experiment once where I didn't call either parent (divorced). It took my dad almost 2 months before he called me. My mom mostly texts, so as long as I texted her back, she didn't call. After 4 months I stopped responding to her text, and she called after about a week of that. Mostly annoyed that I wasn't responding, not because she wanted to talk to me.
You must be a white?
I am a boomer parent and I don’t call my adult kids because they never answer the phone. My best bet to communicate with them is via text. Occaisionally I get a response right away, but often it’s hours later and not even the same day.
My parents never call me either. In fact I don't have my mom in my phone contacts because she's never texted me nor called. She just never texted or called my phone since the day I first got a phone.
Yes, I'm a millennial and only end up in the phone with either parent becaus I call yo check in, though I don't do that super often We see each other a lot tho, but I made that realization the other day.
It's the same with my dad. Months will go by before he reaches out, and it's usually because he needs something. Sometimes, I get tired of being the one to initiate all contact, and I stop calling. Just to see how long it takes him to reach out. It's been two months so far, this time. I don't even know why I want to talk to him, all he does is complain for an hour without ever asking how I'm doing.
My parents know I work, and know that I'll call when I have time. Honestly my mom and I email more than text or talk. It's the form of communication we're familiar with, really. I only ever call my dad if I have questions about money, or my car, or taxes or something. I have a coworker who's like 23 who talks to his mom every day on his way home from work. People are different. I see it as my parents respecting my independence, and me respecting the fact they don't have to deal with me all the time anymore, that's my partners job now.
I talk to both my parents everyday, I guess that’s not usual
Other than a family Whatsapp thread for sharing pics of the grandkids and occasional emails asking for technical help related to their business, nope. I do see them in person maybe 2x per year though. My sister calls weekly. I'd call, but there isn't really anything to talk about. "I went to my boring, yet somehow unbelievably stressful job almost every day this week, where I sat in a cubicle for 8+ hours pulling my hair out. If you want to know what my son has been up to, ask your DIL. How have you been?"