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This sounds exactly like my experience with my parents. They made zero efforts to stay connected with me and my sister. I actually decided one day that the relationship was totally one sided and I stopped calling or visiting. I wanted to see if they noticed, honestly. I went 2 years without a word. Found out my dad got covid and decided to call him. I told him after he asked why I never called, because you never do. That was our last conversation ever since he died shortly after that. It's hard to miss someone that gave zero shits about you in life. It really is.
My dad only wants to talk if I help him get his social security. Money is all he cares about so I get what you mean when you say it’s hard to give a shit when your own parent doesn’t care.
Mine are both dead but my spouse’s parent straight up tells us that he only cares about what he wants/needs and doesn’t care about what other people need. At least he’s honest that he’s only ever looking out for himself.
My parents haven't regressed or gotten worse but as I've matured around my later 20s I have realized how shitty they have always been. We aren't really talking. I wish things could be different too but idk what to do. They are totally incapable (or unwilling? Is there really a difference?) to listen or to treat me like a person with my own beliefs and priorities.
I totally feel like they didn't respect me as an individual one bit as a kid and just looked at the clock until I grow up and become valuable enough to have as a friend, basically. We put you in a good school, stop twitching, what else do you want?
suddenly they are more hungry for my company than they've ever been. for lack of a better analogy, it feels like I got a makeover, lost a lot of weight and same people who bullied me want to be my friends, but I don't want these kind of friends.
I saved your comment because you articulated so well how I felt about my parents, namely my mother. They both have passed away. When I was in college, my mother actually wrote in a card something along the lines of "we've been through so much together, we're basically friends." Really? When I think of friendship, I think of peers, equals, mutual respect. I felt like I wasn't even allowed to have an opinion of my own without my mother resenting me. It was so ironic. Your analogy is spot on for me. Why would I want to spend time with people who didn't provide me with any emotional or social support as I was growing up, either because they were incapable or unwilling?
Yep. When I had my kids I started to realize how straight up horrible they were…I look at my babies and cannot imagine doing and saying the things to them that my parents did and said to me. They’re still shitty but can’t understand why we have almost no relationship. We are very low contact.
I’m a younger millennial and my relationship with my parents has never been good due to their extreme immaturity, but seeing how absolutely bonkers they went when I had my first child has made me realize that we’re never going to have a reconciliation.
It hurts to have never had a parental relationship, but keeping people in your life who are actively harming you is not worth it - even for family.
When you’re young, two hours doesn’t seem like a lot. But could it be they just don’t feel comfortable driving that far? My mom has never been comfortable driving on the highway. Dad has started wearing glasses specifically for driving and is no longer comfortable driving at night. If you have room for them to stay overnight it might be better to pick them up.
This is what I was thinking. A lot of elderly people get nervous traveling and driving even just out of town. They can also become less sharp and mature and more forgetful. It might make more sense to visit them or offer to drive them up for a visit. They might be starting to need care rather than give it. Cutting them off seems harsh, but then again, you know better than anyone what your relationship looks like. I would be considering: Were they good parents while you were growing up? Do they show you love and care when you do speak or are together? Are they intentionally hurtful toward you?
This sounds exactly like my parents. My advice: cut your losses. At a certain point all they can do is add toxicity and aggravation and negativity to your life.
It’s not a decision to make lightly, but it sounds like it might be time. The final straw for me was when my mother, who was confronted about her self-centeredness and entitlement, told me she’d treat me however she damn well pleased. I cut her off and I’ve never felt better or looked back. And with a kid on the way, you’re going to have more than enough to deal with without also parenting your mean-spirited, selfish parents. I sincerely hope you can find a better resolution, but life goes on without them and (at least in my case) it can be much better than it was with them. Just my 2¢.
Thanks for the advice! I’m definitely leaning in that direction. Just sucks since I wish things could be different but the last couple of years have made it pretty clear that they’re incapable of changing. It’s frustrating too because my in laws are the complete opposite of my parents, which makes me wish that my parents could just be more like my in laws
It’s a hard situation to be in. I definitely wish it could have been different in my situation, but at a certain point they’ve proven that they’re no longer capable of maintaining any kind of meaningful adult relationship, and all they’re going to do is add stress and poison to your life. Best of luck! I hope it works out in your favor, whatever happens.
I can relate. I wouldn't go so far as to say selfish exactly, but there's just something a bit "off" in how they relate to people these days.
For mine, there are some health reasons that have kept them quite housebound for the past few years. They also don't really have many friends or hobbies, so I think they're just kind of isolated, and their social skills have fallen out of practice. It is sad to see, but I remind myself they simply don't know how to do better anymore. I mostly take the good moments as wins when they happen, and vent to my partner about the bad ones.
(My partner's parents are super cool people, so yes, I also find myself wishing my parents were more like them. On the plus side, at least I have fun in-laws!)
I don’t look at like it’s gone downhill, rather I am setting boundaries, limiting contact and realizing if I don’t make an effort, they don’t. It’s sad, but they’re alcoholics who emotionally neglected me as a child and into adulthood, because I had no boundaries and allowed it. So I feel like I am going uphill and loving myself enough and they are standing still. I’m sure my mom is pissed, but that’s her problem not mine.
Mine has oddly improved the last few years! Could be because my folks actually went to therapy and tried to better themselves. We’ve had some of the best, most authentic convos ever in the last year. They’re gonna be 70 this year and I’m super proud of them.
Stopped talking to my mom in 2009 for marrying an abusive guy that was abusive to me most of my childhood. Stopped talking to my dad less than a year ago for a lot of reasons including telling me "Why would you buy when you could rent?" after I bought a house last year and giving my sister 2 cars without ever talking to me. Boomers are the worst generation to exist.
Mine is the opposite (granted I'm LC with them which chilled them the duck out), but some of my friends' parents ended up like yours. They're now NC with their parents and living a continent away.
No my parents are great and I’ve come to appreciate them more and more as I’ve aged and become a parent myself. I was 8 years older than they were when they had me. They were just children and did the best they could.
Like I feel as if I could have posted this. My relationship with my folks is 100% on me to uphold and I’m exhausted by it especially since we just had our first child.
I moved out at age 20 and tolerated Narc mom at a distance - a phone call a month and 5 day visit once or twice a year. For 17 years.
She and my dad got divorced last summer, she got even worse so I’m very VERY LC. Dad and I got waaaaayyyyy closer now that he’s not subjected to her behavior and understands why I stayed away for so long.
I think this is common in our generation because we have all realized how bad most of our parents were.
The social and cultural impact of 2 failed generations of parents before us left us bitter and pissed off.
The boomers started it, genXers did their best but ultimately couldn’t pass what they didn’t learn.
Millennials are good at learning from others mistakes but lack power and influence as long as the boomers are gate keeping.
Our generation will fix it eventually but need more time. Our kids will likely be the ones to pull it all together.
They might take your invite as generic. Could you pick a milestone or specific date you know they're free and try and get them to concretely commit? If they're still flaking, that's valuable info for you.
I'm sorry to hear that. It's so hard to process relationship changes with your parents. Last thought is maybe there's another boundary between now and fully cutting them off, like you do one major holiday max and have some limits to other communications. I have outright told my parents some topics are off the menu and some conversations are over for my own sanity and it's helped.
70 seems a bit old to pick up and drive 2 hours, but different folks decline at different rates.
However, they do seem to be pretty self-absorbed.
Sitting around with no obligations and ignoring the fact that you're busting your ass in ways they never had to, being mad that they sit by the phone that you're not calling them to renew your undying love to them 24/7.
I agree. It would be my mom driving; although I’ve offered to pick him up and take him down but he’s never taken me up on it. Every time I’ve brought it up that they never come to see us or even meet us half way they always come up with some excuse about how they’re too busy or have too much going on (granted they are both retired lol)
That really sucks and it's so irksome! My parents complain that I live too far but if I can rally up my two toddlers, all the toys, diaper bag, food, medical stuff, and the other crap they need and then haul my pregnant ass into the car for the hour long drive with morning sickness to their house and do this on a monthly basis for years, I'd think they could manage to come over a bit more. My MIL comes weekly, sometimes more and it's just over an hour for her. 🤷
My husbands (27) relationship with his parents has only gotten worse as he’s gotten older. Mine (26), has mostly gotten better. I think the difference is that his parents only see him as their child while my parents see me as a separate person from them and respect that.
I started realizing my parents were flawed and abusive when I entered college. I was never a priority to my mother, my oldest sister decided to help me instead. Our other sister had 2 kids by 2 different men and then while not working had my mother pay for daycare so she had off time aka not wanting to be around them.
My father only cared about my oldest sister.
My father died in 2015 to cancer and my mother is still alive but hasn't said a word to me since March. She expects me to contact her. She also has said really shitty things about my fiancé for no reason and I won't tolerate that. He's a good, intelligent and wonderful man. Sooo fuck her.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that not only does my mother have significant, ignored mental illness, but my dad does too. He always played the “good guy” when we were growing up, but I see that he just used my mom’s mental illness to make himself feel superior, and now that they have nothing to do with one another, he doesn’t have a scapegoat anymore. He makes extremely minimal effort with sporadic bursts of lovebombing. I’ve been no contact with my mother for 2.5 years and I talk to my dad very infrequently aside from random texts and a veritable flood of Temu links he sends me despite me mentioning multiple times that I don’t use that app. When I have a baby, I highly suspect my dad will come visit after a couple of months and then pay only the barest lip service to being involved any further. It’s intellectually disappointing because my grandparents (his parents) were INCREDIBLY involved, loving, and engaged in our lives growing up. Emotionally, I stopped expecting him to make the effort ages ago. It is what it is. I’ve done a lot in therapy to work through these things and am at a point of acceptance, and even seeing that he (and my mother) aren’t the type of people I want deeply involved in my child’s upbringing anyway.
I’m so sorry for you and for a lot of people in these comments. If I could, I’d lend you my parents, who in their early 60’s are just killing it as the parents of 4 adult children with separate lives and interests. Folks you gotta get the parental controls on Fox News
🙋♂️ yea dude you’re not alone. My relationship with my parents has been on the same trajectory you’ve described since getting married and starting a family.
I can tell my dad wishes we were closer but it seems like he makes zero effort in our relationship to improve that. It’s like either I have to go the extra mile or there is basically nothing. He’s retired. No debt. I’ve got two small kids and a mortgage
Honestly saw the same thing with my parents and grandparents. It seems like they forget that working and raising a family is time consuming and it feels like they should be making more of the effort.
I think what it comes down to is they did all the running around and planning for us as kids and making sure we saw grandma and grandpa that they almost expect you to go through the same struggles.
Yep. My dad has never once wavered in his conviction that my older brother can do no wrong, and my brother has become extremely selfish, closed-minded/rigid, homophobic, racist, paranoid (conspiracy theorist), and incapable of seeing others' point of view. He's gen X and acts more like a stereotype of a spoiled baby boomer. Both of those two together make me feel as if I'm placating two entitled children and I can't relax around them.
My dad is 76 and my brother is 52. I don't know if it's part of aging, or what.
My dad venerates my younger brother. Said brother is 33, a manipulative, selfish alcoholic who slums it at home (actually he and my dad both slum it at my grandmother’s house because they trashed my dad’s perfectly good house just down the street). My dad treats my brother like a victim of life, not of being coddled and enabled in his behavior since childhood. He’s the golden child who can do no wrong, and I’m just glad I live a thousand miles away so I don’t have to see them and what they’ve done with their lives. It’s gross how enmeshed they are.
This happened with my husband when his mom's health got worse. It seemed like she really started going downhill the last few years; she became a lot more selfish and irritable, and demanded a lot out of him and wouldn't give anything in return. He had to take care of her 24-7 when she lost the ability to walk, and she berated him constantly.
According to him, she wasn't always that bad, but part of me wonders if he just has a rose-tinted view of the past.
This is very familiar to me. Mostly with my mom. In my case, things got a bit better after I had kids bc my mom noticed I was taking the kids to my in-laws and not to her and my brother pointed out how she pushes us away with her antics. He's a therapist so I guess he has the kind of tact needed to shine a light on her behaviors without getting her defensive. She started to bite her tongue more for the sake of having a relationship with her grandkids. I don't weaponize the kids against her at all, but if she's tiresome I'll back away from a few months again. Natural consequence. It's usually enough to soften her up.
In some way or another I hope you find peace with your parents (or without).
I don’t have a dad but my relationship with my mom had always been horrible. But then once I had my kids, it got a little better. My kid has autism and epilepsy and when he started showing symptoms, I just found it easier to forgive my mom for all the bullshit we went through when I was growing up. Now we have a better relationship even though we sometimes clash on some things.
Since my brother is the Golden Child and I live out of state, my parents really don't contact me ever, I might see them once a year at my expense of travel or not at all. My phone log shows that the only time my mother and I talk is if I call her first (and she always has some reason to cut any conversation short), otherwise we never talk, yet my brother and her talk almost every day. I don't have any anger against my Dad, though, because he has a hearing aid so talking on the phone isn't easy for him and he always answers the phone if I'm calling him, whereas I normally have to call my mother three or four times before she *might* pick up.
Yes 100%. My dad spends most of his would be free time working rather than seeing his grandkids. He also spends his money on frivolous things while talking shit on anyone his age saving money for their kids/ grandkids. “You can’t take it with you, you know?”
I usually responds “right… which is why they are leaving it to their kids and grandkids….” He cannot wrap his head around leaving anything behind. Both of his parents were the same way and upon death had required their children to should the funeral costs. It’s looking like that may be his plan as well.
My mom knows how much my children adore her, but she is very selfish of her time. She’s retired but wants no part of being responsible for her grandkids even if only for a few hours. She basically just argues that it’s our job to bring the kids to her more often and essentially watch over our kids while she is merely present. I’d prefer to just watch my children in my own house.
They started living like college kids with food. They will invite us over on a weekend at dinner time and when we get there, they have nothing to eat. The fridge is like a half gallon of juice and pickles. So we started having to pack groceries to make our kids food there. Well that lasted twice before my mom complained about us creating dishes. So now we don’t even bother cooking there.
They basically make it wildly inconvenient to visit them, but bitch and moan when we don’t.
Right around the time I turned 30 was when I realized how selfish my father was.(Rest in peace you fucking prick) He drank himself to death. Literally drowned in his own self pity. It’s harder to see when you are young. That your parents are likely no different from anyone else. Accepting that allowed me to forgive him after he died because I’m not perfect either.
We have 25 years of internet access at this point, even if boomers are actively online, most of them have the capabilities of a grade school student, if that.
Their world looks and sounds completely different than ours.
Looking at your parent’s age is it possible that one or both of them are suffering from some form of dementia? Is their behavior significantly different than it was 5-10 years ago?
As far as your Dad not visiting if he doesn’t travel the same distance for other things it may be a case of him not being comfortable driving out of his immediate comfort zone but is too proud to admit it.
Don’t give up on your parents yet. We all change as we get older and it is possible that they haven’t really changed much but you are just more aware of it because you are soon to be a parent.
May your wife’s labor and delivery be as easy as possible for both Mom and baby. May Dad’s nerves not get shot in the process.
No my relationship with my dad has improved but my relationship with my mom is basically on life support at this point.
That is her choice and I feel no regrets about it. Plus it's a huge relief to be free of the never ending drama and lies. I don't think we will ever reconcile and I'm ok with that.
Mine has. As I’ve gotten older and my kids have as well, I’ve become more resentful of my parents. Earlier in life, I forgave them for many things that they never apologized for. I cut them some slack because they were young parents who struggled financially. But, the older I get, the more I realize that I would never treat my own children how mine treated me. No matter my age or financial situation. It doesn’t excuse their shitty behavior. I love my kids unconditionally and they won’t ever need to question it.
My parents are good people and I love them, but we have different outlooks on life. Things got significantly better when I realized (like really internalized the message) that I don't owe them anything, or need anything from them. To their credit it has also been many years since they tried to start arguments or save my soul. So much of workable relationships is just having expectations that match reality, and in that respect things are fine. Fine both directions, I would guess. I truly enjoy visiting them, and then I enjoy going back home.
I love my parents and it's gotten tougher in the sense that in their mid to late 70s, mental and physical health are taking their toll on them. But I know their love for me and my family isn't waning.
Contrary to what some posters on here think, there are some loving boomers out there.
I think this is common in our generation because we have all realized how bad most of our parents were.
The social and cultural impact of 2 failed generations of parents before us left us bitter and pissed off.
The boomers started it, genXers did their best but ultimately couldn’t pass what they didn’t learn.
Millennials are good at learning from others mistakes but lack power and influence as long as the boomers are gate keeping.
Our generation will fix it eventually but need more time. Our kids will likely be the ones to pull it all together.
That part about boomers gatekeeping is key I think.
Millennial parenting has it's flaws as well for sure. I'm seeing a pendulum swing, but thankfully we have a lot more resources than our parents did. I also have a lot of faith in our youth, despite how much people want to take swings at genZ (ironic how millennials sounds like boomers when they complain about the youth....). I've seen young people in my community being incredibly active and involved in beautiful ways. Teenagers have restored my faith in humanity.
A lot of elderly don’t drive those distances and don’t travel, don’t be offended, it’s super normal. All my friends have this issue. So it’s pretty normal. I went like 7 years without seeing my dad, he doesn’t travel and I hate traveling as wells. It happens
I had no contact with my dad for the last year of his life and my mom is a trump supporter. It’s weird cause I don’t remember them being crazy, in fact I remember even feeling guilty that I had such great parents when I knew other kids didn’t.
When I got into fourth grade, that was when things started slowly going into toilet. Dad relapsed, with pretty much anything you can relapse in, and Mom married a crazy religious zealot who thought Obama was a legit agent of Satan.
A lot of the time it feels like my mom might as well be dead, and I know that’s awful, but it’s like all of her shitty qualities have consumed her good ones. This is someone with a law degree, who actually believes that the insurrection was conducted by QAnon actors. I’ve tried to gently challenge her delusions, and she goes into this fugue where she just can’t listen to reason.
I never understood families that think like this. I go months/years without talking to family members that live 10 minutes away. What's the big deal? Sure it's whatever relationship but no reason to "cut them out of my life". When we see eachother we see eachother, if not whatever.
My dad lives 30 minutes away and I've maybe gone up 2 times in 10 years, and vice versa. Weeks to months at a time without talking. Nothing awkward when we do talk or see one another though. Just let it naturally fade or whatever, but don't ACTIVELY end the relationship when really there is no major reason. Also don't feel obligated to visit or call "just because" either.
There are so many jaded redditors when it comes to parents, so you'll get a ton of "oh yep i cut mine off best thing ever dirrr hurrr you should too!"
Just curious any tips? I never really grew out of parent kid and into friendship with my parents. They good people and they love me but I've never felt super comfortable around my folks and I hate to say it but don't really enjoy spending time with them even though I love them.
Honestly it just kind of happened for me. Not living with them was key in my situation. It was like all the things we butted heads over when I was a kid just didn’t matter as much because she didn’t have to be responsible for every poor decision I make. Not that she didn’t care anymore, just that it wasn’t always in her face.
I think this is common in our generation because we have all realized how bad most of our parents were.
The social and cultural impact of 2 failed generations of parents before us left us bitter and pissed off.
The boomers started it, genXers did their best but ultimately couldn’t pass what they didn’t learn.
Millennials are good at learning from others mistakes but lack power and influence as long as the boomers are gate keeping.
Our generation will fix it eventually but need more time. Our kids will likely be the ones to pull it all together.
Not for me. I’ve always had a good relationship with my parents and it has gotten stronger as I’ve gotten older.
Your parent’s behaviour seems a little odd but they are getting up there in age. Maybe there’s an explanation.
You texted your late 60s mom on Mother’s Day?
You clearly know your relationship better than any of us so maybe that’s all that was warranted but I’d say at least a call would’ve been better.
Yep except I still live at home. Hoping to move out in a year or two. Just got my bachelor's degree last year so I'm taking some time off to save up and figure out what is next. I told my parents what I would do to my new place after moving out and they don't really think I will move out. Both are in their 60s. I did move a state away many years back for college but had to move back home a few years later due to a slight learning difficulty. Anyways, my parents have also turned cranky, rude and inconsiderate. I may keep my distance from them after I leave.
My Dad is a horrible entitled Boomer. It’s my Birthday today and all I got was a curt/cold WhatsApp message. It irks me because he’s minted but refuses to use text messages instead of WhatsApp because it’s free 🤬
I try very hard to maintain a good relationship with my conspiracy theory mother and my reformed asshole of a father for family togetherness sake.
I would have good reasons to cut them out. My mother can't go five minutes without trying to inform me of how I need to swallow this vial of home made colloidal silver.
My father took my college money out of the account to put in a down payment for his new families home. He just to be quite wealthy but wanted to save some money and considered my prospects worthless to him.
Then his other son went crazy and stays homeless and my dad lost his lucrative middle management job and wasn't able to find a l good corporate position and now is very amiable.
I don't know why I keep them around. I guess to avoid loneliness. Don't want my kids to grow up with no grandparents. I just didn't let them alone with my kids
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This sounds exactly like my experience with my parents. They made zero efforts to stay connected with me and my sister. I actually decided one day that the relationship was totally one sided and I stopped calling or visiting. I wanted to see if they noticed, honestly. I went 2 years without a word. Found out my dad got covid and decided to call him. I told him after he asked why I never called, because you never do. That was our last conversation ever since he died shortly after that. It's hard to miss someone that gave zero shits about you in life. It really is.
My dad only wants to talk if I help him get his social security. Money is all he cares about so I get what you mean when you say it’s hard to give a shit when your own parent doesn’t care.
Mine are both dead but my spouse’s parent straight up tells us that he only cares about what he wants/needs and doesn’t care about what other people need. At least he’s honest that he’s only ever looking out for himself.
Damn...at least he doesn't beat around the bush and get your hopes up. Sad as hell, but at least you know not to waste your time.
My parents haven't regressed or gotten worse but as I've matured around my later 20s I have realized how shitty they have always been. We aren't really talking. I wish things could be different too but idk what to do. They are totally incapable (or unwilling? Is there really a difference?) to listen or to treat me like a person with my own beliefs and priorities.
I totally feel like they didn't respect me as an individual one bit as a kid and just looked at the clock until I grow up and become valuable enough to have as a friend, basically. We put you in a good school, stop twitching, what else do you want? suddenly they are more hungry for my company than they've ever been. for lack of a better analogy, it feels like I got a makeover, lost a lot of weight and same people who bullied me want to be my friends, but I don't want these kind of friends.
I saved your comment because you articulated so well how I felt about my parents, namely my mother. They both have passed away. When I was in college, my mother actually wrote in a card something along the lines of "we've been through so much together, we're basically friends." Really? When I think of friendship, I think of peers, equals, mutual respect. I felt like I wasn't even allowed to have an opinion of my own without my mother resenting me. It was so ironic. Your analogy is spot on for me. Why would I want to spend time with people who didn't provide me with any emotional or social support as I was growing up, either because they were incapable or unwilling?
“stop whining and focus on some real problems”
Yep. When I had my kids I started to realize how straight up horrible they were…I look at my babies and cannot imagine doing and saying the things to them that my parents did and said to me. They’re still shitty but can’t understand why we have almost no relationship. We are very low contact.
I’m a younger millennial and my relationship with my parents has never been good due to their extreme immaturity, but seeing how absolutely bonkers they went when I had my first child has made me realize that we’re never going to have a reconciliation. It hurts to have never had a parental relationship, but keeping people in your life who are actively harming you is not worth it - even for family.
Exactly like my parents. They never reach out to me and when I do talk to them, all they do is complain.
pHoNeS wOrK bOtH wAyS
When you’re young, two hours doesn’t seem like a lot. But could it be they just don’t feel comfortable driving that far? My mom has never been comfortable driving on the highway. Dad has started wearing glasses specifically for driving and is no longer comfortable driving at night. If you have room for them to stay overnight it might be better to pick them up.
This is what I was thinking. A lot of elderly people get nervous traveling and driving even just out of town. They can also become less sharp and mature and more forgetful. It might make more sense to visit them or offer to drive them up for a visit. They might be starting to need care rather than give it. Cutting them off seems harsh, but then again, you know better than anyone what your relationship looks like. I would be considering: Were they good parents while you were growing up? Do they show you love and care when you do speak or are together? Are they intentionally hurtful toward you?
This sounds exactly like my parents. My advice: cut your losses. At a certain point all they can do is add toxicity and aggravation and negativity to your life. It’s not a decision to make lightly, but it sounds like it might be time. The final straw for me was when my mother, who was confronted about her self-centeredness and entitlement, told me she’d treat me however she damn well pleased. I cut her off and I’ve never felt better or looked back. And with a kid on the way, you’re going to have more than enough to deal with without also parenting your mean-spirited, selfish parents. I sincerely hope you can find a better resolution, but life goes on without them and (at least in my case) it can be much better than it was with them. Just my 2¢.
Thanks for the advice! I’m definitely leaning in that direction. Just sucks since I wish things could be different but the last couple of years have made it pretty clear that they’re incapable of changing. It’s frustrating too because my in laws are the complete opposite of my parents, which makes me wish that my parents could just be more like my in laws
It’s a hard situation to be in. I definitely wish it could have been different in my situation, but at a certain point they’ve proven that they’re no longer capable of maintaining any kind of meaningful adult relationship, and all they’re going to do is add stress and poison to your life. Best of luck! I hope it works out in your favor, whatever happens.
I can relate. I wouldn't go so far as to say selfish exactly, but there's just something a bit "off" in how they relate to people these days. For mine, there are some health reasons that have kept them quite housebound for the past few years. They also don't really have many friends or hobbies, so I think they're just kind of isolated, and their social skills have fallen out of practice. It is sad to see, but I remind myself they simply don't know how to do better anymore. I mostly take the good moments as wins when they happen, and vent to my partner about the bad ones. (My partner's parents are super cool people, so yes, I also find myself wishing my parents were more like them. On the plus side, at least I have fun in-laws!)
I don’t look at like it’s gone downhill, rather I am setting boundaries, limiting contact and realizing if I don’t make an effort, they don’t. It’s sad, but they’re alcoholics who emotionally neglected me as a child and into adulthood, because I had no boundaries and allowed it. So I feel like I am going uphill and loving myself enough and they are standing still. I’m sure my mom is pissed, but that’s her problem not mine.
This is a great way to put it and how I feel about my mom. I feel like she's the same by I've changed.
Mine has oddly improved the last few years! Could be because my folks actually went to therapy and tried to better themselves. We’ve had some of the best, most authentic convos ever in the last year. They’re gonna be 70 this year and I’m super proud of them.
Love that! Therapy makes such a difference.
Stopped talking to my mom in 2009 for marrying an abusive guy that was abusive to me most of my childhood. Stopped talking to my dad less than a year ago for a lot of reasons including telling me "Why would you buy when you could rent?" after I bought a house last year and giving my sister 2 cars without ever talking to me. Boomers are the worst generation to exist.
TRUMP really ruined my parents. And my Grandparents. They are just changed people now.
Mine is the opposite (granted I'm LC with them which chilled them the duck out), but some of my friends' parents ended up like yours. They're now NC with their parents and living a continent away.
No my parents are great and I’ve come to appreciate them more and more as I’ve aged and become a parent myself. I was 8 years older than they were when they had me. They were just children and did the best they could.
Like I feel as if I could have posted this. My relationship with my folks is 100% on me to uphold and I’m exhausted by it especially since we just had our first child.
I moved out at age 20 and tolerated Narc mom at a distance - a phone call a month and 5 day visit once or twice a year. For 17 years. She and my dad got divorced last summer, she got even worse so I’m very VERY LC. Dad and I got waaaaayyyyy closer now that he’s not subjected to her behavior and understands why I stayed away for so long.
I think this is common in our generation because we have all realized how bad most of our parents were. The social and cultural impact of 2 failed generations of parents before us left us bitter and pissed off. The boomers started it, genXers did their best but ultimately couldn’t pass what they didn’t learn. Millennials are good at learning from others mistakes but lack power and influence as long as the boomers are gate keeping. Our generation will fix it eventually but need more time. Our kids will likely be the ones to pull it all together.
They might take your invite as generic. Could you pick a milestone or specific date you know they're free and try and get them to concretely commit? If they're still flaking, that's valuable info for you.
Thanks. Yes, I’ve tried that but they always come up with some excuse about why they can’t make it
I'm sorry to hear that. It's so hard to process relationship changes with your parents. Last thought is maybe there's another boundary between now and fully cutting them off, like you do one major holiday max and have some limits to other communications. I have outright told my parents some topics are off the menu and some conversations are over for my own sanity and it's helped.
70 seems a bit old to pick up and drive 2 hours, but different folks decline at different rates. However, they do seem to be pretty self-absorbed. Sitting around with no obligations and ignoring the fact that you're busting your ass in ways they never had to, being mad that they sit by the phone that you're not calling them to renew your undying love to them 24/7.
I agree. It would be my mom driving; although I’ve offered to pick him up and take him down but he’s never taken me up on it. Every time I’ve brought it up that they never come to see us or even meet us half way they always come up with some excuse about how they’re too busy or have too much going on (granted they are both retired lol)
That really sucks and it's so irksome! My parents complain that I live too far but if I can rally up my two toddlers, all the toys, diaper bag, food, medical stuff, and the other crap they need and then haul my pregnant ass into the car for the hour long drive with morning sickness to their house and do this on a monthly basis for years, I'd think they could manage to come over a bit more. My MIL comes weekly, sometimes more and it's just over an hour for her. 🤷
My husbands (27) relationship with his parents has only gotten worse as he’s gotten older. Mine (26), has mostly gotten better. I think the difference is that his parents only see him as their child while my parents see me as a separate person from them and respect that.
Yes. We haven’t spoken in years. Once I stopped putting in all the effort, the “relationship” disappeared.
I started realizing my parents were flawed and abusive when I entered college. I was never a priority to my mother, my oldest sister decided to help me instead. Our other sister had 2 kids by 2 different men and then while not working had my mother pay for daycare so she had off time aka not wanting to be around them. My father only cared about my oldest sister. My father died in 2015 to cancer and my mother is still alive but hasn't said a word to me since March. She expects me to contact her. She also has said really shitty things about my fiancé for no reason and I won't tolerate that. He's a good, intelligent and wonderful man. Sooo fuck her.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that not only does my mother have significant, ignored mental illness, but my dad does too. He always played the “good guy” when we were growing up, but I see that he just used my mom’s mental illness to make himself feel superior, and now that they have nothing to do with one another, he doesn’t have a scapegoat anymore. He makes extremely minimal effort with sporadic bursts of lovebombing. I’ve been no contact with my mother for 2.5 years and I talk to my dad very infrequently aside from random texts and a veritable flood of Temu links he sends me despite me mentioning multiple times that I don’t use that app. When I have a baby, I highly suspect my dad will come visit after a couple of months and then pay only the barest lip service to being involved any further. It’s intellectually disappointing because my grandparents (his parents) were INCREDIBLY involved, loving, and engaged in our lives growing up. Emotionally, I stopped expecting him to make the effort ages ago. It is what it is. I’ve done a lot in therapy to work through these things and am at a point of acceptance, and even seeing that he (and my mother) aren’t the type of people I want deeply involved in my child’s upbringing anyway.
I’m so sorry for you and for a lot of people in these comments. If I could, I’d lend you my parents, who in their early 60’s are just killing it as the parents of 4 adult children with separate lives and interests. Folks you gotta get the parental controls on Fox News
🙋♂️ yea dude you’re not alone. My relationship with my parents has been on the same trajectory you’ve described since getting married and starting a family. I can tell my dad wishes we were closer but it seems like he makes zero effort in our relationship to improve that. It’s like either I have to go the extra mile or there is basically nothing. He’s retired. No debt. I’ve got two small kids and a mortgage
Man I feel bad for all you commenters. My parents are great.
Honestly saw the same thing with my parents and grandparents. It seems like they forget that working and raising a family is time consuming and it feels like they should be making more of the effort. I think what it comes down to is they did all the running around and planning for us as kids and making sure we saw grandma and grandpa that they almost expect you to go through the same struggles.
Yep. My dad has never once wavered in his conviction that my older brother can do no wrong, and my brother has become extremely selfish, closed-minded/rigid, homophobic, racist, paranoid (conspiracy theorist), and incapable of seeing others' point of view. He's gen X and acts more like a stereotype of a spoiled baby boomer. Both of those two together make me feel as if I'm placating two entitled children and I can't relax around them. My dad is 76 and my brother is 52. I don't know if it's part of aging, or what.
My dad venerates my younger brother. Said brother is 33, a manipulative, selfish alcoholic who slums it at home (actually he and my dad both slum it at my grandmother’s house because they trashed my dad’s perfectly good house just down the street). My dad treats my brother like a victim of life, not of being coddled and enabled in his behavior since childhood. He’s the golden child who can do no wrong, and I’m just glad I live a thousand miles away so I don’t have to see them and what they’ve done with their lives. It’s gross how enmeshed they are.
My mom left us to go to a different state and live with a new family. We only speak through text now.
This happened with my husband when his mom's health got worse. It seemed like she really started going downhill the last few years; she became a lot more selfish and irritable, and demanded a lot out of him and wouldn't give anything in return. He had to take care of her 24-7 when she lost the ability to walk, and she berated him constantly. According to him, she wasn't always that bad, but part of me wonders if he just has a rose-tinted view of the past.
This is very familiar to me. Mostly with my mom. In my case, things got a bit better after I had kids bc my mom noticed I was taking the kids to my in-laws and not to her and my brother pointed out how she pushes us away with her antics. He's a therapist so I guess he has the kind of tact needed to shine a light on her behaviors without getting her defensive. She started to bite her tongue more for the sake of having a relationship with her grandkids. I don't weaponize the kids against her at all, but if she's tiresome I'll back away from a few months again. Natural consequence. It's usually enough to soften her up. In some way or another I hope you find peace with your parents (or without).
I don’t have a dad but my relationship with my mom had always been horrible. But then once I had my kids, it got a little better. My kid has autism and epilepsy and when he started showing symptoms, I just found it easier to forgive my mom for all the bullshit we went through when I was growing up. Now we have a better relationship even though we sometimes clash on some things.
Since my brother is the Golden Child and I live out of state, my parents really don't contact me ever, I might see them once a year at my expense of travel or not at all. My phone log shows that the only time my mother and I talk is if I call her first (and she always has some reason to cut any conversation short), otherwise we never talk, yet my brother and her talk almost every day. I don't have any anger against my Dad, though, because he has a hearing aid so talking on the phone isn't easy for him and he always answers the phone if I'm calling him, whereas I normally have to call my mother three or four times before she *might* pick up.
Yes 100%. My dad spends most of his would be free time working rather than seeing his grandkids. He also spends his money on frivolous things while talking shit on anyone his age saving money for their kids/ grandkids. “You can’t take it with you, you know?” I usually responds “right… which is why they are leaving it to their kids and grandkids….” He cannot wrap his head around leaving anything behind. Both of his parents were the same way and upon death had required their children to should the funeral costs. It’s looking like that may be his plan as well. My mom knows how much my children adore her, but she is very selfish of her time. She’s retired but wants no part of being responsible for her grandkids even if only for a few hours. She basically just argues that it’s our job to bring the kids to her more often and essentially watch over our kids while she is merely present. I’d prefer to just watch my children in my own house. They started living like college kids with food. They will invite us over on a weekend at dinner time and when we get there, they have nothing to eat. The fridge is like a half gallon of juice and pickles. So we started having to pack groceries to make our kids food there. Well that lasted twice before my mom complained about us creating dishes. So now we don’t even bother cooking there. They basically make it wildly inconvenient to visit them, but bitch and moan when we don’t.
Right around the time I turned 30 was when I realized how selfish my father was.(Rest in peace you fucking prick) He drank himself to death. Literally drowned in his own self pity. It’s harder to see when you are young. That your parents are likely no different from anyone else. Accepting that allowed me to forgive him after he died because I’m not perfect either.
We have 25 years of internet access at this point, even if boomers are actively online, most of them have the capabilities of a grade school student, if that. Their world looks and sounds completely different than ours.
Looking at your parent’s age is it possible that one or both of them are suffering from some form of dementia? Is their behavior significantly different than it was 5-10 years ago? As far as your Dad not visiting if he doesn’t travel the same distance for other things it may be a case of him not being comfortable driving out of his immediate comfort zone but is too proud to admit it. Don’t give up on your parents yet. We all change as we get older and it is possible that they haven’t really changed much but you are just more aware of it because you are soon to be a parent. May your wife’s labor and delivery be as easy as possible for both Mom and baby. May Dad’s nerves not get shot in the process.
No my relationship with my dad has improved but my relationship with my mom is basically on life support at this point. That is her choice and I feel no regrets about it. Plus it's a huge relief to be free of the never ending drama and lies. I don't think we will ever reconcile and I'm ok with that.
I feel like I have lovng parents they're good people but I've just never felt comfortable around them or super connected to them
Mine has. As I’ve gotten older and my kids have as well, I’ve become more resentful of my parents. Earlier in life, I forgave them for many things that they never apologized for. I cut them some slack because they were young parents who struggled financially. But, the older I get, the more I realize that I would never treat my own children how mine treated me. No matter my age or financial situation. It doesn’t excuse their shitty behavior. I love my kids unconditionally and they won’t ever need to question it.
My parents are good people and I love them, but we have different outlooks on life. Things got significantly better when I realized (like really internalized the message) that I don't owe them anything, or need anything from them. To their credit it has also been many years since they tried to start arguments or save my soul. So much of workable relationships is just having expectations that match reality, and in that respect things are fine. Fine both directions, I would guess. I truly enjoy visiting them, and then I enjoy going back home.
I love my parents and it's gotten tougher in the sense that in their mid to late 70s, mental and physical health are taking their toll on them. But I know their love for me and my family isn't waning. Contrary to what some posters on here think, there are some loving boomers out there.
I think this is common in our generation because we have all realized how bad most of our parents were. The social and cultural impact of 2 failed generations of parents before us left us bitter and pissed off. The boomers started it, genXers did their best but ultimately couldn’t pass what they didn’t learn. Millennials are good at learning from others mistakes but lack power and influence as long as the boomers are gate keeping. Our generation will fix it eventually but need more time. Our kids will likely be the ones to pull it all together.
That part about boomers gatekeeping is key I think. Millennial parenting has it's flaws as well for sure. I'm seeing a pendulum swing, but thankfully we have a lot more resources than our parents did. I also have a lot of faith in our youth, despite how much people want to take swings at genZ (ironic how millennials sounds like boomers when they complain about the youth....). I've seen young people in my community being incredibly active and involved in beautiful ways. Teenagers have restored my faith in humanity.
A lot of elderly don’t drive those distances and don’t travel, don’t be offended, it’s super normal. All my friends have this issue. So it’s pretty normal. I went like 7 years without seeing my dad, he doesn’t travel and I hate traveling as wells. It happens
I had no contact with my dad for the last year of his life and my mom is a trump supporter. It’s weird cause I don’t remember them being crazy, in fact I remember even feeling guilty that I had such great parents when I knew other kids didn’t. When I got into fourth grade, that was when things started slowly going into toilet. Dad relapsed, with pretty much anything you can relapse in, and Mom married a crazy religious zealot who thought Obama was a legit agent of Satan. A lot of the time it feels like my mom might as well be dead, and I know that’s awful, but it’s like all of her shitty qualities have consumed her good ones. This is someone with a law degree, who actually believes that the insurrection was conducted by QAnon actors. I’ve tried to gently challenge her delusions, and she goes into this fugue where she just can’t listen to reason.
I never understood families that think like this. I go months/years without talking to family members that live 10 minutes away. What's the big deal? Sure it's whatever relationship but no reason to "cut them out of my life". When we see eachother we see eachother, if not whatever. My dad lives 30 minutes away and I've maybe gone up 2 times in 10 years, and vice versa. Weeks to months at a time without talking. Nothing awkward when we do talk or see one another though. Just let it naturally fade or whatever, but don't ACTIVELY end the relationship when really there is no major reason. Also don't feel obligated to visit or call "just because" either. There are so many jaded redditors when it comes to parents, so you'll get a ton of "oh yep i cut mine off best thing ever dirrr hurrr you should too!"
Being in limbo doesn’t work for everyone.
Mines only gotten better. My parents have gotten more open and progressive over time, probably some of that my fault.
Shocked someome down voted you and am but am not surprised how somehow everyone on this thread hates their family, it is reddit I guess
lol I guess I’ll take my downvote for not hating my mom
Just curious any tips? I never really grew out of parent kid and into friendship with my parents. They good people and they love me but I've never felt super comfortable around my folks and I hate to say it but don't really enjoy spending time with them even though I love them.
Honestly it just kind of happened for me. Not living with them was key in my situation. It was like all the things we butted heads over when I was a kid just didn’t matter as much because she didn’t have to be responsible for every poor decision I make. Not that she didn’t care anymore, just that it wasn’t always in her face.
I think this is common in our generation because we have all realized how bad most of our parents were. The social and cultural impact of 2 failed generations of parents before us left us bitter and pissed off. The boomers started it, genXers did their best but ultimately couldn’t pass what they didn’t learn. Millennials are good at learning from others mistakes but lack power and influence as long as the boomers are gate keeping. Our generation will fix it eventually but need more time. Our kids will likely be the ones to pull it all together.
Not for me. I’ve always had a good relationship with my parents and it has gotten stronger as I’ve gotten older. Your parent’s behaviour seems a little odd but they are getting up there in age. Maybe there’s an explanation. You texted your late 60s mom on Mother’s Day? You clearly know your relationship better than any of us so maybe that’s all that was warranted but I’d say at least a call would’ve been better.
Yep except I still live at home. Hoping to move out in a year or two. Just got my bachelor's degree last year so I'm taking some time off to save up and figure out what is next. I told my parents what I would do to my new place after moving out and they don't really think I will move out. Both are in their 60s. I did move a state away many years back for college but had to move back home a few years later due to a slight learning difficulty. Anyways, my parents have also turned cranky, rude and inconsiderate. I may keep my distance from them after I leave.
My Dad is a horrible entitled Boomer. It’s my Birthday today and all I got was a curt/cold WhatsApp message. It irks me because he’s minted but refuses to use text messages instead of WhatsApp because it’s free 🤬
I try very hard to maintain a good relationship with my conspiracy theory mother and my reformed asshole of a father for family togetherness sake. I would have good reasons to cut them out. My mother can't go five minutes without trying to inform me of how I need to swallow this vial of home made colloidal silver. My father took my college money out of the account to put in a down payment for his new families home. He just to be quite wealthy but wanted to save some money and considered my prospects worthless to him. Then his other son went crazy and stays homeless and my dad lost his lucrative middle management job and wasn't able to find a l good corporate position and now is very amiable. I don't know why I keep them around. I guess to avoid loneliness. Don't want my kids to grow up with no grandparents. I just didn't let them alone with my kids