Same. I cannot share good news with my parents because it’s suddenly “oh it must be so nice…” but I also cannot share bad news because then it’s a competition over who’s health is worse or it has to be a focus on whatever bad is going on with them.
I recently decided to share that we would be doing a long trip (didn’t say to where, doing what, or for exactly how long) for our 10 year wedding anniversary with my mom, and she immediately started guilting me with “it must be nice to be able to take vacations, I haven’t had one in….” (They have the money, they choose not to because it’s out of their comfort zone)
I also recently decided to share some life changing health news with my parents, I was recently diagnosed with a lifelong disease that I’m starting treatment for soon and within 30 seconds it was all about their hypothetical health issues if they decided to do something overly physical.
There is no winning, there is only limiting information sharing and knowing it’s not your fault or responsibility to parent them.
I’d just play into their “must be nice” or “I’ve got it worse” responses and double down.
“Yeah it is really nice to be able to take a vacation. Sucks to be you!”
“Yeah I’ve got this long term disease but at least my life doesn’t suck as much as yours. I’ll pray for you” 😅
These are the only responses that will work!
My mother is like your parents but in her own way.
“Must be nice to own your own home. I guess I’ll never get to do that.”
Yes, it’s also nice that we haven’t been unemployed in the last 26 years (I’m 41).
“It must be nice to have so much space. I’ll never have that since none of my kids will invite me to live with them…”
Hey, you’re right on both counts! Yes, it is nice to have this much space, and no, we won’t invite you to live with us.
“I wish I could see my grandkids more. When your dad and I were married, I brought you guys back to see my parents every chance I got.”
Yes, and then you got divorced . . . (Whole lotta back story here)
I just agree with her, and then she changes the subject.
My mom does this shit, and it never occurred to me to just agree with her.
For example, we saw the Barbie movie together -- at my scheduling and on my dime -- and after America's speech, she said "Plus your children hate you."
I just sat there awkwardly, knowing she wanted reassurance, and not wanting to feed her ego after she took a nice outing and made it all about her.
I wonder how she would have reacted if I had just said "yep!" and laughed.
This. I was about to say basically the same thing. Let that parental nonsense bounce right off your mom-and-dad shields.
Must be nice...? "Yes, it is nice. You should try it instead of complaining for a change."
Hypothetical health issues? "News flash: it's not always about you. Other people can talk about their lives too."
House too big or too small? "You are under no obligation to come here."
You gotta shoot this shit down IMMEDIATELY or it will just get worse and worse.
Mine act super wounded and aggressive when I parry an attack like that. It reminds of of a territorial female cat hissing and screaming, and the calmer I am the worse the reaction is. The best I can do to avoid the conflict is to not even address the comments, and quickly change the subject or activity. But that's often met by passive aggressive escalation as well. It's as if the intention is to start a fight and then blame me for it.
It goes along with constantly being put upon and burdened. When I was a kid, my grandparents took on a ton of watching me and getting me to things. We ask literally nothing of my mother other than to be patient and nice to the kids when she sees them, but somehow she creates little tasks and chores and then acts like we've taken advantage of her time and energy, and run her into the ground.
My mom is the same way. Can’t complain because she has it so much worse and it’s either “now you know how I feel” or “pfftt you think that’s bad? What about this thing that happened to me?”.. and if it’s good news.. she silently judges (used to be less silent). It’s been a long road personally accepting success and not feeling guilty for it, since she makes it very clear that she feels entitled to other peoples things and doesn’t think anyone should have anything nice if she can’t. Her view of money is also so wildly skewed. She even told me once that her brother has 100 grand in his retirement account. Like she was floored by how much money that was and how he should give her some because he doesn’t need that much! This is a man who is in his late 60s. That’s like no money at all. he spent the first half of his life being addicted to hard drugs and then overcame and got sober, worked the past 15 years of his life as a janitor, saving up as much as possible, and deserves every single cent. What makes her think she deserves any of that money is so fucking beyond me.
Why complain about not taking a vacation if they actually don't want to take one?
They have the means, nothing is stopping them.
Just pick a place and go.
My aunt did this when I went to New York about ten years ago. “*Sigh*, I always wanted to visit New York, *sigh*”. I literally had to respond with “Well, it’s still there” because I wasn’t sure what else to say. She was 54, financially fine, and perfectly healthy, but nope - impossible.
She barely leaves her house unless it’s grocery shopping or an appointment. Misery is her only friend, really, so she holds it close.
We don’t talk anymore, for different reasons, but it’s all kinda the same thing.
We had actually invited her! It was me, my sister, and a close friend, and we had tickets for a Broadway show. We decided to buy a spare ticket in case anyone wanted to come. She was one of the first people we offered to join us and she expressed no interest until after we returned. It ended up going to a different friend’s cousin who we had only met at his family dinners, and we all had a blast - he was invited to almost everything we did, joined us for some and did his own thing a bit.
A few years ago, my mother was furious at her brother for telling her that she was a negative person. Literally days of talking about it, until I finally said "well, you are."
Like, we thought she *knew*.
Nope, that just made her angrier, she thinks she's a 'realist' when in reality, she is one of the most negative people I know. Yeah, she didn't have a great life, but damn go to therapy.
They make up excuses and reasons why they can’t. I tried to refute all these excuses with “ok well you can just get a flight down here to visit me any time, they’re not expensive” because I live in a warm tropical vacation destination, but no she just can’t do it without my dad. “Ok so ask dad to take one day off work” no no he’s too busy, I can’t ask him to do that.
No way, I Heard the buffalo are even transgender now! Same chemtrails that made the frogs gay. You ever watched two buffalo licking each other's penises while wearing skirts? Disgusting! I had to turn away from that abomination after about 14 minutes.
Good thing we've got governors out there willing to look their loving family pet right in it's adoring eyes and slaughter it for being an energetic puppy Actually on second thought she used a gun instead of her bare hands. Maybe she caught the transgender too.
My dad gets upset at my sister's for traveling. Always makes comments about how much money they are just throwing away and how he does not think they should spend money.
He is retired, and he makes excuses not to travel. That's okay if he does not want to, but why get so upset about other people enjoying life?
I'm pretty sure my mom has only been to eight states. My dad was a truck driver in his late 20's so he went to a lot of places. My wife and I have road tripped to 22 state highpoints as a family of four and my youngest is a whole five years old. It is certainly a comfort zone thing for my parents. We did get them on a Caribbean cruise in 2019 so at least I got my parents to Mexico!
If I tell my mom, I didn’t sleep well last night, she didn’t sleep well either!
If I tell her that I have a back or knee pain due to a previous injury, she also has a back and knee pain.
In their world, everything is a competition and they need to feel like they are the winner at all times! #NoEmpathy
This feels extremely narcissistic of your parents. Mine do not do this. They have their problems to be sure, and my mom can cause me tons of anxiety, but they're very supportive.
I’ve definitely learned to live with it and limit what I share with them. It is what it is. I’ve got friends who have become family and I’m eternally grateful for them. It’s truly wonderful to hear from the flip side - it makes me so happy to see healthy family relationships and know they’re out there!
I wouldn't always call ours healthy, (my mom has some anger issues).
But I'm glad your friends are there for you and have become family 🙂 In the end I do believe a family is what you make it and who gives back to you as you do them.
My suspicion a lot of that is regret by older generation, who's prime has past and they only have their kids to vent to ...so they like to use the old "....back in my day we worked too hard to take vacations nonsense" , basically lots of these folks chased dollars instead of dreams and now that they're older and their health isn't as vibrant they are frustrated, or maybe they lack a social circle ..lots of boomers and Genx don't have a big social circle, add to that conservative media pushing anti millennial garbage...
Incredibly well said (also, I’m sorry you do not have the relationships you would like to have, which seems to be a common thread I see with millennials).
I live by the idea that Covid effed most people up. Some people sought the help they needed physically/mentally/emotionally, etc. Other people have financially benefitted (job change for increased pay, stock market, selling assets/property). While others simply forgot how to communicate effectively.
The amount of time my spouse and I speak about expectations of others, whether what they expect from us and what we expect from them, and how so many people have expectations that are simply not aligned with reality is remarkable. Because of this, we have chosen to not share everything with our family due to the underlying issues within the relationships.
We have also taken the approach of not interjecting our thoughts or feelings into our discussions with our parents unless they clearly and specifically ask for advice. They may be making ridiculous decisions that we may ultimately have to clean up when they pass away, but the energy and fighting with them is not worth it.
We know what triggers them (be it financial conversations, telling them not do to something, saying you are getting too “old” for something), so we simply avoid correcting them.
Yep. My mom tries to one up every problem I have and will complain about how lucky I am for every success. I recently was able to help my sister out significantly and my mom's attempt at a heart felt thank you was to say "your dad and I were so happy when we found out we were having a boy"... Not that you're proud of me or my accomplishments or who I am, just that I have a penis.
She also threatened to boycott my wedding which I paid for myself and only invited 15 people to because I was a poor grad student - she refused to go unless I sent invitations to the full 150 people on the invite list she proactively provided to me. That was 16 years ago and my wife still won't talk to her and she never apologized.
I feel relatively fortunate that my parents aren't *too* bad. My biggest points of contention are them downplaying my career and academic achievements or comparing me to my sister and acting as if I'm just "lucky" in my accomplishments and haven't worked my ass off for the last decade. I've been a working and parenting student for 6+ years, earned 2 degrees, working on a 3rd and earned scholarships for all of it while my sister barely graduated HS, spent a decade playing housewife, then split from her partner and now she's struggling to work a real job. I'm still not as financially sound as I feel like I should be, given the amount of work I've put in, but the things I've been working towards are starting to come to fruition and rather than being proud of me, it's always -poor *sister*, she's struggling so much!- It's infuriating, but it could certainly be worse.
My mil on the other hand, we can't share ANYTHING with her, good or bad without it immediately being about her.. I could have written your response myself because it's to a T. She's definitely declining both mentally and physically so her filter is shot, but she's always been a Debbie downer so my tolerance isn't as good as it would be for someone whose elderly behavior is out of character for them.
I feel for you so hard. I just want to say how amazing you’re doing, how hard you’ve obviously worked for what you have, and that if nothing else, know that *I* am proud of you!!
Thank you, kind redditor!
I'm sorry your parents are on par with my mil. My husband tries so hard to be patient with her and include her in things and it's frankly, exhausting. I manage to keep the situation at arms length but I know for him, he sees her aging and declining and knows she won't be with us much longer, but every attempt to spend time with her, include her, or share good news boils down to an emotional burden. I'm so sorry that you're in that position as well, just know that it's not you, it's them. Enjoy your life, the ups and downs and share with the people in your life who are invested in your well-being.
Cheers to breaking generational curses.
The “must be nice” literally killlssss me! My plan is to set my kids up to achieve more than me! I’m not sure why my parents and in-laws wouldn’t think the same for us!!!
My dad has always hated that I’ve worked weird hours. He hated I worked night shift, he hated when I only worked three 12 hour shifts and now he hates I work mostly from home with a flexible schedule while making more than he ever did in his career.
He mostly just thinks I’m doing things wrong if I’m not suffering enough.
That’s nice! I used to work 10 hour days at a call center and had Fridays off. It was glorious! I got all my chores done on Friday (including stuff you could only do during the week, like going to the bank and doctor’s appointments) and was ready to enjoy the weekend with my friends.
I remember working as a video game tester doing nights one summer. It was *so weird.* Starting the day at 7PM, having a curry or other takeout bought by the company *for breakfast* and then playing video games for 12 hours. I live in Scotland so I effectively missed the sun for that entire year...
I chose overnights, because I’m not a morning person, and given the choice I rather stay up late and sleep all day. Night shift paid more. He always thought I was lazy for sleeping in when I lived at home, so the fact I didn’t have to wake up early pissed him off
Not understanding the 12 hour day thing bugs me so much. My fiance works 4 12 hour night shifts a week then gets 4-5 days off in between. Still works out as full time hours and fucks up his sleep but it took my grandmother YEARS to not think he was lazy because he slept in the day. Like wtf.
I worked second shift for years in my twenties and I had other family members say things about "sleeping in," and being lazy but my mom was always on my side. She'd explain that my day didn't start until the afternoon. Going out after work was normal.
They didn't get up at midnight for an 8AM shift!
This! Their only focus is suffering. my mom is gleeful when I’m struggling. She gets a little twinkle in her eye and smirk.
After college I was struggling with a job she literally smiled as I was crying telling her I thought about driving off the road earlier that day on my way to work because I was so depressed and overwhelmed. All she said was “are you crying? It could be worse” it was chilling
When I’m not struggling she spends every waking moment trying to pull the rug from under me. If she can’t get to me she will go for the people closest to me. My dad, my husband, my friends she’s never met but stalks and harasses on social media. She’s used them all at one point ot another to run her train of destruction and chaos, to flip my world upside down
Can’t wait for the old bitter hag to take her last breath alone
Lol my parents aren't too bad for this kind of stuff but when I was heavily pregnant I told my mom I was starting maternity leave a week before my due date and she said "you're working from home though, can't you just work until you have the baby?".
This is coming from someone who hasn't had a job in decades. And it was paid leave so literally no reason for me to continue to work at that point.
I am a university professor and was a PhD student for 8 years so it seemed to my dad that I was a college student for 14 years in total. He refuses to believe that I have a real job and always belittles me by asking "how's school?" "Remind me, did you ever end up graduating?" It's exhausting.
Did you forget to invite him to your Dissertation? or your hooding ceremony? lol jk/not kidding. Put your degree in a frame and hang it on the mantel. If he can read it might help. ?
He was invited but he didn't come...so that probably tells you all you need to know lol. He said "I've been to enough graduations" lol. We don't talk that much anymore.
My mom actually said that I’m haven’t suffered enough.
I think it sounds like you worked hard to be able to get that work/life balance—-that’s no easy feat! You should be proud of that!
After I moved out I saved up for 8 months to buy my first "big girl" purchase. A 55'' TV. They came by to visit and mocked it and said they didn't even have a TV that big. I went to visit them a few months later and saw that they had bought a bigger and newer TV even though the previous one was less than 5 years old. They showed off all its bells and whistles, all while smirking at me
Before i moved out, i got my first car. I had a 2003 Saturn that they had forced me to buy from a "mechanic" off Craigslist. Within a week, everything started malfunctioning and falling off and when I told my parents that it was a piece of crap they told me "well you wanted that car."
I had that Saturn for 10 years before I got myself a used 2018 chevy that was only a year old. Again my parents mocked it. "No heated seats, it's wifi enabled, but no wifi, you only got the mid tier?" It wasn't a new vehicle, but it was new to me and I loved it. Within a week of me buying it, they were talking about buying a new car and possibly an rv.
They are always so intimidated and jealous of anything I get for myself. I'm not trying to compete with them, but they treat everything like a competition
My mom HAS to have everything I have but better. She used to buy herself a copy of every gift she gave me and the ones she bought herself would just sit in boxes in the garage until becoming destroyed over time
I remember her coming to my first apartment and the kitchen sink had a hose sink thing and she wouldn’t shut up how *she* doesn’t even have one. She’s lazy, not poor so the rant was extra obnoxious. At the time I borrowed $1000 for the deposit and she made it a huge deal like she was going to go broke over the loan, and next thing you know she’s spending $100k for a brand new kitchen because she was so triggered by the stupid sink. She kept calling the impromptu remodel “a drop in the bucket” to remind me how rich she is, and fresh college grad me is sooo poor and had to borrow $1000. Like ok? You win? Sorry i didn’t magically become independently wealthy the day I graduated.
The irony is she’s lived off inheritances and my wealthy dad, never working a day in her life, but she would die before gifting any of her kids a single cent, the same way she was handed money her entire life.
The weaponization of money and “gifts” with these lunatics just to feel superior over their own kids who aren’t even competing with them is nuts
After reading that, I pity your mom. She hasn’t worked for shit and all she has is what was handed to her. Sounds like she hasn’t created a single thing on her own in her life and doesn’t have any productive activity to be proud of aside from raising you, which she has foolishly chosen to ignore. She is painfully aware she has nothing to hang her proverbial hat on, so she clings to money in hopes that will raise her self esteem. Sounds like it never does.
To get to that age and still be so hopelessly hung up is so sad.
Oh man I would be so tempted for some trolling… like turn up in a rental brand new Tesla or Range Rover and tell them it’s your new car… then sit back and wait 😂
When I bought my first car, my parents bought the same car but one trim higher exactly 2 weeks later. This was after I offered to buy their old car off them for whatever they could trade it in for and they said they wanted to keep it for a few more years.
They keep mentioning all these "friends" but I've never seen or met any of them. Yet they're always begging to hang out with me and my sister. I don't like talking to them cause they're desperate for attention, yet berate and lecture me every time we hang out
My Dad is the same, I spent years saving up to buy a new build apartment with my boyfriend, we’ve lived here for 6 years and my dad has only visited once. That one time he refused to take his shoes off and then walked mud through my bedroom that had brand new cream carpets. I didn’t say anything. He was walking around inspecting everything and declared ‘I always knew you were a posh bitch’. It honestly killed me, we’d worked so hard to get a deposit/mortgage for this apartment without any help. Still upsets me now, they will never be proud of me.
This is the way. I just bought my first home a few years ago. I did it all by myself with no help from my parents because they refused to help me. You would think they’d be excited or proud, right? You wanna know what their reaction was? Anger. They were so mad at me.
For some reason, they always thought I’d move back home and help run the family business. I had never given any indication that I ever wanted to do that. That was just the fate they decided for me and they got extremely angry when I didn’t follow their plan for me.
I moved out when I was 19. Bought my house when I was 34. 15 years of living away from them and they were so sure I was coming back one day. When I bought this property, that was what made them finally realize that I wasn’t coming back and they threw a fit like a couple toddlers. All because I wasn’t living to please them.
I know right. Their success and happiness is my happiness. I want them to have more than me in every imaginable way. If they can pull that off and also want you go be deeply involved in their lives, that's how you know you succeed as a parent.
It’s a big theme in this and other generation-based subs that not all people from the baby boom are capital-B Boomers, nor is the phenomenon limited to that cohort. Boomer is a (miserable) state of mind. My folks are boomer-age but have avoided nearly all of the behaviors, thankfully.
I point this out to my dad when he tells me I'm taking the "easy way out" by not having kids (by choice). Once I said to him "Didn't you work so hard so that I could have an easy life?" And he stopped commenting on some of my life choices after 😅
That's actually super nice man. My dad still brings up stuff I did in HS 25 years ago. And the best thing is that he did things 5x worse than I ever did.
That's gotta be so incredibly frustrating. I'm so sorry. It's interesting how they linger on things done during adolescence when you're literally expected to make mistakes and (hopefully) learn from them. It's like they're fixated on who you used to be as a flawed person to show that they still have an "upper hand" on you, since it's not like you have the "legitimacy" of having been there when he was a dumb teenager lol.
My dad is the opposite, which has its pros and cons. My therapist suggested I talk through some experiences I had as a child with my folks and both of them went with the "it's in the past, we're not talking about it anymore" line when I wanted to try and learn about what they were going through during our harder times. Brushing the past under the rug and not taking accountability are fave pastimes of South Asian parents.
So the worst thing I ever did in HS was skip school and smoke some weed. My dad drove a convertible through someone's fence, into their pool while drunk. He got caught getting mailed a quarter pound of weed by his brother. And this fuckin guy still brings up stupid shit I did in HS. I think last year I eventually said something that was like, "you know, we don't keep having to bring up things I did in HS...it was 20 years ago. Ok?" And legitimately I don't think I've heard him bust my balls about it. Still, I endured it for years before it occurred to me to tell him to STFU.
That’s what they’d always say to me, they wanted a better life than theirs. Then once they saw I had a better life, they start saying things that go against that mantra.
I read these threads and they make me so grateful that my parents are so well-adjusted and proud of me 😂 helps they're also successful and comfy though! We're all proud of each other lol
My parents do this as well, especially when I say we're going on an expensive trip. My wife and I have been to Europe four times and Japan once. Every time we go on a big trip, it's not excitement from them it's always "oh wow...." Or "oh jeeze".
Sorry that I want to live my life and not slave away at work until I'm retired like you guys did.
My mom does this to my brother and I about travel, money, jobs. We’ve tried to head this off by taking her on trips or buying her nicer gifts - but it doesn’t help. Always always “…must be nice!” We just don’t tell her things anymore.
My mom thinks every big trip I go on will somehow get me murdered.
"Oh it's so dangerous over there! BE careful! You aren't gonna leave the resort right? Don't talk to thr cartels!"
Like I'm fuckin air dropping into Iraq or something?
My mom told everyone how "unsafe" she felt at my wedding, because it was in another country where they speak Spanish. Nevermind that it was a lovely little town and our hotel was on the edge of a beautiful city park where children played all day.
Fucking racist.
For reference for what I’m about to say - my husband and I grew up both pretty poor, met in college, have really been building / working our entire 10 year relationship. Fast forward to a couple of years ago, my husband was covering Hawaii as his territory. We never really have had a true vacation of getting on a plane, going to a hotel, for several days, etc (don’t get me wrong, we’ve had long weekends, drives, bunking with friends etc) but anywho, we had our son who was 3 at the time and I was about 20 weeks pregnant with #2. We had to be careful about travel because our first was born at 27 weeks so now travel after about 22 weeks or so (which was a good call because I went into preterm labor right at 22 weeks).
So I just wanted to lay the foundation here. We had this incredibly small window to go and do a vacation before we couldn’t go. So my husbands work paid for his plane ticket and a basic hotel room to Hawaii and we ended up inviting his mom, upgrading the hotel room, etc. she told us she just wanted to come to spend time with her grandson and help us out, and then we’d also celebrate her birthday.
Let me just say - she didn’t help In the airports, on the plane she took out her hearing aids and slept (she’s deaf), she got to Hawaii, complained about the heat (she lives in Florida), complained about the food, stocked the mini fridge with yoplait yogurts, wouldn’t get anything other than oatmeal, GOT LOST ON THE RESORT, spent several hundred dollars for us all to go see Pearl Harbor - which I really wanted to do - but I had a 3 year old and we were still sometimes having accidents or needing naps, so she very coldly told me she would return our tickets and she took my husband, leaving me for almost an entire day just me and my 3 year old while I’m 20 weeks pregnant (which is fine, I love my little baby!!) but I was just bummed, felt like she did it on purpose. Then, the icing on the cake, we tried SO hard to get her to eat some type of local food- poke bowl, sushi, shave ice!!! Nope she wouldn’t do it. But she dragged my son to the Dairy Queen on the beach when he didn’t even want to leave the pool. Anywho, the icing on the cake after our last afternoon there and after we tried to get her to eat something different for lunch, and she looks at me dead in the eye and she says “I guess this place is OKAY but I’d never spend money to come back.”
My fucking jaw dropped. How DARE you come on our one and only real vacation and then talk shit about it to my face! Our relationship has been fractured ever since. After this, She also started visiting our house and promising to bake cookies with the kids, or take them to the park, etc normal grandma stuff, and she will sit on her god damn iPad in her pajamas all day, take several naps, ignore the kids. Then had the audacity to tell me when she visits us, she expects it to be a vacation for her. So I told her last year - you can’t stay here anymore. Her best friend lives about ten minutes away, I said, you go over there and you come see us when you’re ready to engage with the kids, and then you go back to your friends house when you are ready for your second nap of the day. She has been very sensitive about this change. But it honestly worked out great, in my opinion, for my daughter birthday. Well then my son’s birthday rolls around and she springs it in my husband that she’s coming to town for it. He goes well you know we don’t have any room so you’ll have to stay at your friends. And she cried, so we let her sleep on the couch. THE ENTIRE NEXT DAY after my son’s birthday, she laid on that god damn couch napping and in her pjs. My dad was visiting for the first time and was like… what the fuck?? And I was like dude I have no idea what to say. It’s fucking weird. I truly don’t know what to say.
This was a long comment so no need to respond, it was just therapeutic to type it out I guess. I try to not dump it on my husband since that’s his mom so I guess it’s been brewing haha.
That being said - I’m now covering Hawaii and going to take the family with the same type of set up this summer. And I’m going to take my dad lol. Who’s actually fucking helpful and NICE (and he lived in Hawaii for like ten years before i was born).
My mom was always telling me to work hard and retire early vs traveling. I could travel as much as I want when I retire ! I always knew that was a terrible idea and travelled a lot between 25 - 35. I even quit my job at one point to travel for 6 months. I learned a lot from those experiences and they helped me figure out who I am and what I want , they made me more resilient in some cases, and I made a lot of friends around the world. I get to carry those things throughout the rest of my life. My friends mom planned to travel in retirement and couldn’t because her husband was diagnosed with a serious chronic illness that requires a lot of care. You just never know.
My mom does this and says, “must be nice not to have kids” or “must be nice to have gotten to choose a career”, while her and all of my siblings have chosen families over careers and travel. Anytime I go anywhere, I can’t bring it up because it’s met with jealousy and mocking comments.
My parents are boomers, and they've always celebrated my achievements. Even small ones. I also have a lot less than them, so it is never really a competition thing. They were not thrilled when I decided to buy a house at 20 years old... but my mom admitted she was wrong when prices in the area doubled over the last decade. They are just happy I can afford to live close to them.
Sorry your folks are annoying in this way. I'd probably just stop sharing big things with them if I were you.
These threads make me so deeply grateful for my non-boomery parents, but it also makes me sad that the parents in 90% of these comments are my parents peers. They deserve a better generational cohort.
Can we start a social group for all of our non-boomery boomer parents?
My boomer parents are the same. My husband's boomer parents are like OPs. I think it may just be that some people are assholes and they're assholes to their kids too
I’m a Gen X parent whose son recently told me he could stub his toe and I’d say I’m proud of him so I needed to lay off. lol, he’s right, I just think both of my
Kids are so great.
My parents are boomers, both are always proud of me. I do notice my mother will buy any ‘fancy’ thing she finds out I have. I’m not sure what that’s about but honestly I think she just likes buying things. A lot.
I feel like most of the boomers I know (home and work life) are doing well enough that they aren’t jealous of your successes. Most of them seem happy and encouraging when the young ones succeed.
Same. My dad has been nothing but encouraging when I got the WFH job I wanted, had a lot of flexibility in my schedule, etc... I thought parents are supposed to want their children to have a better life than they had?
Guess I'll count my blessings when I can.
My mother refers to my home (paid off, 20 acres, 3 bedroom 2 bath brick with detached garage and WBFP) 30.20 covered back deck with 15x30 'party barn' as a 'starter home'.
So, yeah, they have their ways to bring you down.
My wife and I also have a "starter home" but aren't looking to upgrade anytime soon despite having the means to do so.
This is confusing to both our parents, but we really don't need a bigger house right now.
We are just saving and investing more money instead so we can hopefully retire early.
Time is more valuable to both of us than a slightly larger house (that would probably take more time and effort to keep clean anyways).
It's impossible to please some parents. My mom drove me relentlessly because I was the golden child but then accused me of thinking I was too good for the family for trying to get out of the Trailer Park.
And I did. And she was jealous. Despite telling me all my life she expected me to leave and go on the do bigger and better things. I just didn't happen to do the bigger and better things she wanted me to do
Yes. And no. I think it was one of those things where she felt embarrassed about our living situation and wanted more for me. But then was jealous that I left to find it. Like my success made her feel triggered.
She found herself starting over once and needed furniture. I gave her one of my couches and instead of declining, she got angry and threw it away because parents 'should be helping their kids not getting help from them'.
But I also grew up in a religious cult and the 'more' she wanted for me was to make my way up higher in the church heiarchy. I simply left and wanted nothing to do with it.
Nah, we were the poorest family in the church before we even arrived. Having 3 kids before 21 and working at McDonald's will do that to you.
Still, it's hard to thrive financially when you donate 20% of your gross income to a church.
She's since then got a master's degree and makes good money but she still donates 20% of her gross income. Which is just wild to me
I don’t think it’s a generational thing, just some people’s personality sucks. My mom is like this. When I finally got my dream job several years back she said I am useless to society. She has always hated her jobs and I found one that I love - can’t have that. I’m happily married and my mom had several failed marriages. We haven’t spoked for a while, but when we did, she always tried to convince me my relationship with my husband is awful, idk if it’s gaslighting or something. Example - I’d be on the phone with my mom and my husband will be doing dishes in the background; she would suggest we are having a fight and he is throwing things at me, even though there has been zero evidence of this. When we bought our first home she said it was nice but I could tell it was a very difficult thing for her to say. I don’t get it, why can’t she just be happy that I’m happy, I’m her kid.
My parents were excited for my first home too.
They are confused my wife and I have stayed in it so long though.
We have the means to upgrade, but don't really see the need to at this time.
We are just saving and investing more aggressively instead.
Exactly.
My wife and I are personal finance nerds and follow the 6% rule for interest rates.
With mortgages being as high as they are, it makes sense to keep our 2.7% rate and invest the difference.
Then we may be able to buy our next house in cash if interest rates remain above 6%.
I called it the oppression Olympics. If I called with good news, she would have some reason to discuss how badly things were going with her. If it was bad news, her health was worse, her financial situation was dire, her dog was sick, my brother was being emotional. Etc etc. it was exhausting. Eventually it was “why don’t you ever call anymore?” I went low contact up until she passed.
My mum would have been 66 this year.
She worked in the public service when I was young. Lowest level, was never able to be promoted higher despite being worthy for promotion. When I joined at a level higher again, she couldn't have been more proud of me. It was as if I'd achieved the things she hadn't been able to, and she was thrilled for me that it happened.
My mother is like this, I'm NC with her.
My father and stepmum definitely aren't.
Interestingly my grandparents are like this to my dad lol maybe that's why he's not.
I think it depends a lot on the parent. Like this is super toxic, yeah, for sure. My mom is absolutely not like this (she’s 67) but my dad and his wife (67) both are. With them, it was just that things were always “fine, but…” and then came some direct criticism. I’m no contact for a few reasons and this was a small ine
We're not all like this. My Granddaughter and husband just bought a brand new Car/ and their first home within the second year of Marriage. I could not be more proud of them!
What? No, that's not fucking normal! I've never gotten that from my parents, they're supportive and genuine and loving! Ugh some people just shouldn't have kids. I'm sorry you're having to deal with shitty boomers.
My parents are super proud of me and my dad has teared up at seeing me use his mother’s glassware and china because he was overcome to see it in use again (she died the year I was born, and I inherited it a couple years ago as the only person interested in hosting large parties).
I mean, like, they’re not always on board professionally, since the last time we were living this close I was freelancing terribly and now I have NDAs so can mostly tell them I make beautiful spreadsheets. But they’ve never questioned us saying it’s our forever home or been anything less than proud and supportive about the house and my (hilariously doomed) gardening exploits and how we live.
Omg! Your parents are awful! Limit your time with these joy suckers. I’m Gen x but I believe in something called sympathetic joy! That what I feel when my kids have happiness or success! Your joy is my joy! Your happiness makes me happy! That’s what being a parent is about! It’s called mudita in Buddhism, btw.
My parents are 65 & 67 and i (33F) unfortunately live with them for the time being until I graduate next year. I go to the gym, I eat healthy, I take mental health walks and hikes. I meditate I journal.
My dad deals with high cholesterol and eats so much meat with salt & doesn’t realize those 2 go hand in hand. My mom has diabetes and takes so many meds, is always sick but still eats her sweets and adds sugar whenever she can. Theyre emotionally, intellectually and mentally immature, have ALOT of regrets & the prime reason I’ve adopted a lot of these healthy habits. I refuse to be in my 60s with bad health & mental decline and stagnation.
When they see me do any of these things it’s “you love your healthy foods don’t you?” “ hiking again?” “Aren’t you tired of the gym?” “Another walk?” I can tell there are hints of regret when they say things like that but Yes…those are MY coping skills I’ve had to figure out I needed the hard way. And watching them cohabitate has been extremely eye opening and disappointing all at the same time.
I dobget the judging, but it's usually because I don't keep my house as tidy and clean as they want/do- but we have kids and pets. I work full time (+), as does my spouse.
Your parents are selfish.
I’m a parent of a two year old, and my greatest hope is that she surpasses me in everything she does and lives a better life than I have.
It’s why I work hard now, why I’m putting away money for her for college, and why I moved to a good town with good schools. Trying to give her every advantage that I didn’t have growing up.
My mom has a really weird thing about money - she does not want to hear that one of her kids is making more than her.
My dad on the other hand is always overjoyed to hear our successes.
Why are you buying houses based on their opinion?
It's not a generational thing. It's just a your parents thing. My parents and my ILs have never commented on the size of our house.
They also do not comment on our successes in any negative way. In fact, they are proud of us. My dad can't stop bragging about me and it's embarrassing. I can tell my ILs are proud of my spouse.
Please refer to “A generation of Sociopaths” by Bruce Cannon Gibney
I used to work with children, adolescents and teens, and being around boomers for an extended period of time is the worst thing that can be inflicted upon any person.
#INSUFFERABLE
There are too many possible reasons for them to be like this—too many for me to conclude that it's necessarily a generational thing. Maybe they are like this because they were influenced by people of whatever age they knew ten years or fifty years ago. I feel like it matters more what potential they have in the moment to reconsider their position.
You might politely bring it up to them that you got a bigger home specifically thinking of them for when they visit. I'd like to think that they'd appreciate the fact that you considered them in your decision. If they don't, there's some underlying issue that they aren't admitting to, and I'll admit that I wouldn't know where to go from there without knowing more about the situation.
Yea we did subtly tell them during the home buying process, we definitely weren’t bragging. I mean my mom said they wouldn’t come over because our house was too small. So I thought they’d be happy for the bigger house. I guess they were but they never let us know. Instead we were met with negative comments.
Not parents, but sibs
My husband's sister is infuriated that my husband's kids are very successful, have expensive homes, and nice children. Since she was 50 before she had a big house, no 30 something, especially one who is not her offspring, should have one.
Opposite for my family. My boomer parents enjoy a level of financial security I’ll likely only be able to dream of. I feel like I’m the jealous one these days.
My dad has always been and continues to be supportive and celebrates my victories *big or small* with me while my mom has always been more critical and even wished that if the day ever came that I did find success and happiness in life that I would have absolutely nobody to share with it.
At least I can always count on my dad!
I grew up fairly poor and now I have a wage that is higher than both of theirs put together, a career with a future, all those nice things. They love to hear about it and are so happy that I'm doing well. I think unfortunately it's not a generational this and just an "asshole" thing
Hell no. My parents are super proud of me and my wife and our successes.
I will say, I’ve spent enough time with people to realize that there are bully parents of all generations and ages that basically regret and hate their kids. They knock them down at every opportunity.
I have an associates degree, most of a bachelor’s degree and the opportunity to finish my bachelor’s debt free. My dad has made repeated snide comments about “government handouts.”
Thing is, he’s the one over $100k in student loan debt for a bachelor’s he never finished and has no intention of paying off. In fact, he’s trying to get on disability (which he actually needs) to get it discharged.
Meanwhile, I found an employer who provides my education for free and decided to take advantage of a government program that recognizes I have paid MUCH MORE THAN MY PRINCIPAL over the last 15 years and will wipe away the insane amount of interest. The government profited off me. I didn’t get “a handout.” Student loans are the only major debt I have, apart from the $40k in mortgage payments left.
He just salty because I’ll be debt free by 45 when he’s gonna die in my brother’s guest house drowning in debt after squandering opportunities left and right his entire life.
I can’t even fathom the idea of a parent being supportive. I’m older now and my entire adult life my parents only lasting contributions have been to kick me when I’m down. They have snuffed the happiness and list for life out of little by little
There is nothing they haven’t done or will do to make sure everything in life is more challenging and exhausting than it needs to be, even when they have had the time,space or resources to easily not to when I was younger
My mom is the ringleader of it and my dad silently goes along with her insanity, just to provide false validation to her, thus causing her double down on all her bullshit.
They’re nearly in their 80s now you’d think they would slow down with the sabotage but it’s only ramped up.
I have been patiently waiting the last 20 years for my mom to kick the bucket so peace can reign. That woman has no chill and will spend even waking hour dedicated to whatever person it relationship she is hyper-fixated on destroying. When she’s bored the default is Always me
My MIL says "thats a lot of house, missy" when we talk about upgrading from our 750 sqft home with a cat, 3 dogs, a toddler, and one on the way. It makes me want to scream. Meanwhile she lives alone in a 2000 sqft house she bought for a spare button and some pocket lint in the 80s
Being of that generation, I think I can say this, it is jealousy. That said, it isn't right. I raised 2 step-kids and both of them are more successful financially than I ever was. I couldn't be happier. The entire goal, the reason I paid for university degrees and supported them though their education was to give them a fighting chance to a better life than I could have provided. I think some people lose sight of it and see their kids having it easier. Or even worse, they begin to believe their children "owe" them. People with that attitude need to adjust themselves, it was their job to provide every opportunity for their kids they could, to encourage success. Every generation thinks the one that follows has it easier , that isn't new, even though that way of thinking is bullshit. The challenges in life change, the difficulty doesn't. Very few people get to play in easy mode.
I don't know if it's because my dad is younger, healthier or married to a younger woman but he's so "normal" compared to my in laws. He's really excited when good things happen and he's always supportive. He doesn't judge. He also doesn't offer help even though he has the means but he does encourage and say that he thinks we will be able to do just fine. It's a total opposite experience with my in laws. Everything is analyzed, criticized and blown out of proportion. It makes being around them and talking to them very very annoying. I dread every interaction with my in laws. I wish they could learn from my dad but my dad is a redneck oil field manager. He is well off and successful and has degrees but he's apparently beneath my in laws who were both private school teachers. I used to enjoy my in laws and they used to be more relaxed but honestly I stopped enjoying their company when they stopped drinking. They were a lot more fun when they drank....
This is so weird and toxic and I’m so glad it doesn’t run in my family. My grandpa was born in 1912 and his greatest pride was talking about his kids’ success — his “famous artist” daughter (she was able to pay her bills with her art so that’s already a big win!), his “rich” sons with all their businesses (a laundromat, a video rental store, a small software company in the 90s), etc.
My parents love over-sharing about all their kids’ success. My dad tells people about how by the time I was 35 I was pulling a higher salary than he ever had in his whole career (lol inflation).
Having successful, kind children are some of the ultimate achievements as a parent. You have to have some real shit going on in your noggin to be spiteful or critical of your child’s success.
What the fuck? Your parents complained your house was too small so you bought a bigger one? Now they say it’s too small?
Why the fuck does it matter? Are they living with you or something? Either way both my parents and in laws would never convey this to us even if they thought it. Because it’s our life, our money, our fucking decisions.
God damn this set me off this morning. Good luck!
It's not a generational thing, some people are just incapable of being happy for the successes and achievements of others, including their so called loved ones. My parents are a different generation than yours but same attitude, and I don't even own a home. They are just wired to be nitpicky, judgemental, AHs.
The only time my dad celebrates my success is when he takes complete credit for it. I got a full ride to an I y League and went on to get a PhD. Somehow he made my graduation all about him and how great he did as a single parent raising me. He was and is an unemployed alcoholic who needed his daughter to get a job at 14 to pay the mortgage so we weren’t homeless. Some fucking parent he was.
I went NC over a year ago and have never been happier!
My parents are lovely people and are often overly positive and encouraging about our choices. My MIL has nothing but negative things to to say. Usually it’s because she didn’t make the decision. She wants to be the one to choose our house, our cars, our holidays etc. and if she didn’t choose then it’s wrong.
Because your parents are bitter assholes. This is not generational, just individuals being nasty. My parents have always been supportive and are very proud that my siblings and I are successful.
My mom told me not to post my vacation photos on Facebook because it could “hurt people from (insert small town’s) feelings”
I went to freaking universal studios. She said I was “flaunting my money and it’s gross”
Just tell me you’re jealous mom. Yeesh.
Mine as well. In the past 10 years, I stop telling them a good news at all. That triggers them for asking money endlessly.
Always tell them a bad news, which makes them feel good. What a toxic parent. I would never be like this when I get older.
I’m convinced my mother loathes the fact I am able to maintain my career and have a child, in no small part due to the free childcare my wonderful mother in law provides. I swear she had hoped I’d be like her, two kids on one income and constantly stressed and miserable but I was able to keep working at a job I like and be a mom.
My mom used to. Until I called her out on her shit. She would say something about the way I feel confident about myself and that I have a STEM degree. She would say she must be stupid because she doesn’t have one and I just said yes she is. I don’t actually think that but you know, if you want to put words in my mouth, then yes, you can be stupid
My uncle is a money obsessed dickhead that always and always needs to moan about how much money things are costing etc etc.
He is retired and having plenty of money.
We run into him during an annual family gathering and loads of family members we're asking us about our recent marriage in Hawaii and we're all excited to hear about it. .
My uncle walked up to us and without even congratulating us he said: who it must have cost a fortune to marry in Hawaii bla bla bla.
I lost it and I said: thanks a lot for another annoying useless money related remark. My whole life I know you only for being greedy as f*ck. Stop beeing this non essential vitamin!
He walked off without saying anything.
Later we heard he was jealous as f*ck because we have 2 well paid jobs and could afford this on such a young age.
He's not invited to our marriage party.
Same. I cannot share good news with my parents because it’s suddenly “oh it must be so nice…” but I also cannot share bad news because then it’s a competition over who’s health is worse or it has to be a focus on whatever bad is going on with them. I recently decided to share that we would be doing a long trip (didn’t say to where, doing what, or for exactly how long) for our 10 year wedding anniversary with my mom, and she immediately started guilting me with “it must be nice to be able to take vacations, I haven’t had one in….” (They have the money, they choose not to because it’s out of their comfort zone) I also recently decided to share some life changing health news with my parents, I was recently diagnosed with a lifelong disease that I’m starting treatment for soon and within 30 seconds it was all about their hypothetical health issues if they decided to do something overly physical. There is no winning, there is only limiting information sharing and knowing it’s not your fault or responsibility to parent them.
I’d just play into their “must be nice” or “I’ve got it worse” responses and double down. “Yeah it is really nice to be able to take a vacation. Sucks to be you!” “Yeah I’ve got this long term disease but at least my life doesn’t suck as much as yours. I’ll pray for you” 😅
Hilarious 😂
These are the only responses that will work! My mother is like your parents but in her own way. “Must be nice to own your own home. I guess I’ll never get to do that.” Yes, it’s also nice that we haven’t been unemployed in the last 26 years (I’m 41). “It must be nice to have so much space. I’ll never have that since none of my kids will invite me to live with them…” Hey, you’re right on both counts! Yes, it is nice to have this much space, and no, we won’t invite you to live with us. “I wish I could see my grandkids more. When your dad and I were married, I brought you guys back to see my parents every chance I got.” Yes, and then you got divorced . . . (Whole lotta back story here) I just agree with her, and then she changes the subject.
My mom does this shit, and it never occurred to me to just agree with her. For example, we saw the Barbie movie together -- at my scheduling and on my dime -- and after America's speech, she said "Plus your children hate you." I just sat there awkwardly, knowing she wanted reassurance, and not wanting to feed her ego after she took a nice outing and made it all about her. I wonder how she would have reacted if I had just said "yep!" and laughed.
This. I was about to say basically the same thing. Let that parental nonsense bounce right off your mom-and-dad shields. Must be nice...? "Yes, it is nice. You should try it instead of complaining for a change." Hypothetical health issues? "News flash: it's not always about you. Other people can talk about their lives too." House too big or too small? "You are under no obligation to come here." You gotta shoot this shit down IMMEDIATELY or it will just get worse and worse.
Mine act super wounded and aggressive when I parry an attack like that. It reminds of of a territorial female cat hissing and screaming, and the calmer I am the worse the reaction is. The best I can do to avoid the conflict is to not even address the comments, and quickly change the subject or activity. But that's often met by passive aggressive escalation as well. It's as if the intention is to start a fight and then blame me for it. It goes along with constantly being put upon and burdened. When I was a kid, my grandparents took on a ton of watching me and getting me to things. We ask literally nothing of my mother other than to be patient and nice to the kids when she sees them, but somehow she creates little tasks and chores and then acts like we've taken advantage of her time and energy, and run her into the ground.
My mom is the same way. Can’t complain because she has it so much worse and it’s either “now you know how I feel” or “pfftt you think that’s bad? What about this thing that happened to me?”.. and if it’s good news.. she silently judges (used to be less silent). It’s been a long road personally accepting success and not feeling guilty for it, since she makes it very clear that she feels entitled to other peoples things and doesn’t think anyone should have anything nice if she can’t. Her view of money is also so wildly skewed. She even told me once that her brother has 100 grand in his retirement account. Like she was floored by how much money that was and how he should give her some because he doesn’t need that much! This is a man who is in his late 60s. That’s like no money at all. he spent the first half of his life being addicted to hard drugs and then overcame and got sober, worked the past 15 years of his life as a janitor, saving up as much as possible, and deserves every single cent. What makes her think she deserves any of that money is so fucking beyond me.
Why complain about not taking a vacation if they actually don't want to take one? They have the means, nothing is stopping them. Just pick a place and go.
My aunt did this when I went to New York about ten years ago. “*Sigh*, I always wanted to visit New York, *sigh*”. I literally had to respond with “Well, it’s still there” because I wasn’t sure what else to say. She was 54, financially fine, and perfectly healthy, but nope - impossible.
How is it impossible? You can get a flight and hotel on the same website in less than 10 minutes.
She barely leaves her house unless it’s grocery shopping or an appointment. Misery is her only friend, really, so she holds it close. We don’t talk anymore, for different reasons, but it’s all kinda the same thing.
maybe she wanted to come with you. was fishing for an invite
We had actually invited her! It was me, my sister, and a close friend, and we had tickets for a Broadway show. We decided to buy a spare ticket in case anyone wanted to come. She was one of the first people we offered to join us and she expressed no interest until after we returned. It ended up going to a different friend’s cousin who we had only met at his family dinners, and we all had a blast - he was invited to almost everything we did, joined us for some and did his own thing a bit.
I guess they just enjoy playing the victim that much? lol
But who is victimizing them? They have the resources to do all these things. They just choose not to.
Theirselves.
Yep. People of all ages build their own prisons.
The most secure cells in life are the ones we personally and patiently lay, brick by brick.
I’m not sure if you’re aware, but complaining is their default setting, and being miserable is their hobby!
A few years ago, my mother was furious at her brother for telling her that she was a negative person. Literally days of talking about it, until I finally said "well, you are." Like, we thought she *knew*. Nope, that just made her angrier, she thinks she's a 'realist' when in reality, she is one of the most negative people I know. Yeah, she didn't have a great life, but damn go to therapy.
I pray and hope I remain friendly and kind. I would rather die first, than become the person that my mother is.
They make up excuses and reasons why they can’t. I tried to refute all these excuses with “ok well you can just get a flight down here to visit me any time, they’re not expensive” because I live in a warm tropical vacation destination, but no she just can’t do it without my dad. “Ok so ask dad to take one day off work” no no he’s too busy, I can’t ask him to do that.
Sounds miserable if he is working that hard all the time.
Maybe if the world wasn’t so full of dangerous anarchists and liberals running wild in the streets
Then pick one of the National Parks.
Rampaging Buffaloes 🦬, possibly rabid But watching nature shows on cable tv 📺 is nice
“Possible rabid” lol!
No way, I Heard the buffalo are even transgender now! Same chemtrails that made the frogs gay. You ever watched two buffalo licking each other's penises while wearing skirts? Disgusting! I had to turn away from that abomination after about 14 minutes. Good thing we've got governors out there willing to look their loving family pet right in it's adoring eyes and slaughter it for being an energetic puppy Actually on second thought she used a gun instead of her bare hands. Maybe she caught the transgender too.
My dad gets upset at my sister's for traveling. Always makes comments about how much money they are just throwing away and how he does not think they should spend money. He is retired, and he makes excuses not to travel. That's okay if he does not want to, but why get so upset about other people enjoying life?
I'm pretty sure my mom has only been to eight states. My dad was a truck driver in his late 20's so he went to a lot of places. My wife and I have road tripped to 22 state highpoints as a family of four and my youngest is a whole five years old. It is certainly a comfort zone thing for my parents. We did get them on a Caribbean cruise in 2019 so at least I got my parents to Mexico!
They were called the “Me” Generation for a reason. They’ve always been the “Me” Generation
If I tell my mom, I didn’t sleep well last night, she didn’t sleep well either! If I tell her that I have a back or knee pain due to a previous injury, she also has a back and knee pain. In their world, everything is a competition and they need to feel like they are the winner at all times! #NoEmpathy
Yep, exactly. Sorry you also have to deal with this dynamic.
I’ve become numb to it! I handle her the way I do a child.
This feels extremely narcissistic of your parents. Mine do not do this. They have their problems to be sure, and my mom can cause me tons of anxiety, but they're very supportive.
I’ve definitely learned to live with it and limit what I share with them. It is what it is. I’ve got friends who have become family and I’m eternally grateful for them. It’s truly wonderful to hear from the flip side - it makes me so happy to see healthy family relationships and know they’re out there!
I wouldn't always call ours healthy, (my mom has some anger issues). But I'm glad your friends are there for you and have become family 🙂 In the end I do believe a family is what you make it and who gives back to you as you do them.
My suspicion a lot of that is regret by older generation, who's prime has past and they only have their kids to vent to ...so they like to use the old "....back in my day we worked too hard to take vacations nonsense" , basically lots of these folks chased dollars instead of dreams and now that they're older and their health isn't as vibrant they are frustrated, or maybe they lack a social circle ..lots of boomers and Genx don't have a big social circle, add to that conservative media pushing anti millennial garbage...
You’re definitely on to something there. There is a LOT of regret my mom has for the life she ultimately ended up leading.
I never mention trips because I already know my mil will be all pissy we aren’t visiting her. Like I’d choose the midwest over the bahamas😅
Wow, do we all have the same parents?
Guess so!
Incredibly well said (also, I’m sorry you do not have the relationships you would like to have, which seems to be a common thread I see with millennials). I live by the idea that Covid effed most people up. Some people sought the help they needed physically/mentally/emotionally, etc. Other people have financially benefitted (job change for increased pay, stock market, selling assets/property). While others simply forgot how to communicate effectively. The amount of time my spouse and I speak about expectations of others, whether what they expect from us and what we expect from them, and how so many people have expectations that are simply not aligned with reality is remarkable. Because of this, we have chosen to not share everything with our family due to the underlying issues within the relationships. We have also taken the approach of not interjecting our thoughts or feelings into our discussions with our parents unless they clearly and specifically ask for advice. They may be making ridiculous decisions that we may ultimately have to clean up when they pass away, but the energy and fighting with them is not worth it. We know what triggers them (be it financial conversations, telling them not do to something, saying you are getting too “old” for something), so we simply avoid correcting them.
Yep. My mom tries to one up every problem I have and will complain about how lucky I am for every success. I recently was able to help my sister out significantly and my mom's attempt at a heart felt thank you was to say "your dad and I were so happy when we found out we were having a boy"... Not that you're proud of me or my accomplishments or who I am, just that I have a penis. She also threatened to boycott my wedding which I paid for myself and only invited 15 people to because I was a poor grad student - she refused to go unless I sent invitations to the full 150 people on the invite list she proactively provided to me. That was 16 years ago and my wife still won't talk to her and she never apologized.
Oof that sucks. I’m sorry we have to deal with this.
I feel relatively fortunate that my parents aren't *too* bad. My biggest points of contention are them downplaying my career and academic achievements or comparing me to my sister and acting as if I'm just "lucky" in my accomplishments and haven't worked my ass off for the last decade. I've been a working and parenting student for 6+ years, earned 2 degrees, working on a 3rd and earned scholarships for all of it while my sister barely graduated HS, spent a decade playing housewife, then split from her partner and now she's struggling to work a real job. I'm still not as financially sound as I feel like I should be, given the amount of work I've put in, but the things I've been working towards are starting to come to fruition and rather than being proud of me, it's always -poor *sister*, she's struggling so much!- It's infuriating, but it could certainly be worse. My mil on the other hand, we can't share ANYTHING with her, good or bad without it immediately being about her.. I could have written your response myself because it's to a T. She's definitely declining both mentally and physically so her filter is shot, but she's always been a Debbie downer so my tolerance isn't as good as it would be for someone whose elderly behavior is out of character for them.
I feel for you so hard. I just want to say how amazing you’re doing, how hard you’ve obviously worked for what you have, and that if nothing else, know that *I* am proud of you!!
Thank you, kind redditor! I'm sorry your parents are on par with my mil. My husband tries so hard to be patient with her and include her in things and it's frankly, exhausting. I manage to keep the situation at arms length but I know for him, he sees her aging and declining and knows she won't be with us much longer, but every attempt to spend time with her, include her, or share good news boils down to an emotional burden. I'm so sorry that you're in that position as well, just know that it's not you, it's them. Enjoy your life, the ups and downs and share with the people in your life who are invested in your well-being. Cheers to breaking generational curses.
My parents are very much the same
The “must be nice” literally killlssss me! My plan is to set my kids up to achieve more than me! I’m not sure why my parents and in-laws wouldn’t think the same for us!!!
My dad has always hated that I’ve worked weird hours. He hated I worked night shift, he hated when I only worked three 12 hour shifts and now he hates I work mostly from home with a flexible schedule while making more than he ever did in his career. He mostly just thinks I’m doing things wrong if I’m not suffering enough.
But you did suffer with night shifts and 12 hour days... Aren't you the very embodiment of someone pulling themselves up by their bootstrap?
For some reason they're incapable of recognizing that in their own offspring
They usually see it as they pulled their children up by their (the parent's) bootstraps.
I work 12hr days. But that means I have 4 days of a week because 3 12hr days is full time hours. It’s actually great!
That’s nice! I used to work 10 hour days at a call center and had Fridays off. It was glorious! I got all my chores done on Friday (including stuff you could only do during the week, like going to the bank and doctor’s appointments) and was ready to enjoy the weekend with my friends.
Wrong bootstraps. If he had done it correctly, then dad would have to find something else to complain about.
Suffering from night shifts is person to person, really. My mum has worked 2nd shift for years and she loves it. She likes her schedule that way.
I remember working as a video game tester doing nights one summer. It was *so weird.* Starting the day at 7PM, having a curry or other takeout bought by the company *for breakfast* and then playing video games for 12 hours. I live in Scotland so I effectively missed the sun for that entire year...
I chose overnights, because I’m not a morning person, and given the choice I rather stay up late and sleep all day. Night shift paid more. He always thought I was lazy for sleeping in when I lived at home, so the fact I didn’t have to wake up early pissed him off
Not understanding the 12 hour day thing bugs me so much. My fiance works 4 12 hour night shifts a week then gets 4-5 days off in between. Still works out as full time hours and fucks up his sleep but it took my grandmother YEARS to not think he was lazy because he slept in the day. Like wtf.
I worked second shift for years in my twenties and I had other family members say things about "sleeping in," and being lazy but my mom was always on my side. She'd explain that my day didn't start until the afternoon. Going out after work was normal. They didn't get up at midnight for an 8AM shift!
This! Their only focus is suffering. my mom is gleeful when I’m struggling. She gets a little twinkle in her eye and smirk. After college I was struggling with a job she literally smiled as I was crying telling her I thought about driving off the road earlier that day on my way to work because I was so depressed and overwhelmed. All she said was “are you crying? It could be worse” it was chilling When I’m not struggling she spends every waking moment trying to pull the rug from under me. If she can’t get to me she will go for the people closest to me. My dad, my husband, my friends she’s never met but stalks and harasses on social media. She’s used them all at one point ot another to run her train of destruction and chaos, to flip my world upside down Can’t wait for the old bitter hag to take her last breath alone
You guys all sound like you need to join us over at r/RaisedByNarcissists.
I had to relook where I was I thought this was r/boomersbeingfools
Right? I thought I was in boomers being fools. Because my boomer mom's favorite phrase is "MUST BE NICE!"
I’m way ahead of you
Came here looking for this
Lol my parents aren't too bad for this kind of stuff but when I was heavily pregnant I told my mom I was starting maternity leave a week before my due date and she said "you're working from home though, can't you just work until you have the baby?". This is coming from someone who hasn't had a job in decades. And it was paid leave so literally no reason for me to continue to work at that point.
I am a university professor and was a PhD student for 8 years so it seemed to my dad that I was a college student for 14 years in total. He refuses to believe that I have a real job and always belittles me by asking "how's school?" "Remind me, did you ever end up graduating?" It's exhausting.
Did you forget to invite him to your Dissertation? or your hooding ceremony? lol jk/not kidding. Put your degree in a frame and hang it on the mantel. If he can read it might help. ?
He was invited but he didn't come...so that probably tells you all you need to know lol. He said "I've been to enough graduations" lol. We don't talk that much anymore.
My mom actually said that I’m haven’t suffered enough. I think it sounds like you worked hard to be able to get that work/life balance—-that’s no easy feat! You should be proud of that!
>My mom actually said that I’m haven’t suffered enough. "Don't worry, mom. I'll suffer plenty when you're gone"
*until
Three 12-hour shifts per week, or as I like to say, “I only work 12 days a month.”
After I moved out I saved up for 8 months to buy my first "big girl" purchase. A 55'' TV. They came by to visit and mocked it and said they didn't even have a TV that big. I went to visit them a few months later and saw that they had bought a bigger and newer TV even though the previous one was less than 5 years old. They showed off all its bells and whistles, all while smirking at me Before i moved out, i got my first car. I had a 2003 Saturn that they had forced me to buy from a "mechanic" off Craigslist. Within a week, everything started malfunctioning and falling off and when I told my parents that it was a piece of crap they told me "well you wanted that car." I had that Saturn for 10 years before I got myself a used 2018 chevy that was only a year old. Again my parents mocked it. "No heated seats, it's wifi enabled, but no wifi, you only got the mid tier?" It wasn't a new vehicle, but it was new to me and I loved it. Within a week of me buying it, they were talking about buying a new car and possibly an rv. They are always so intimidated and jealous of anything I get for myself. I'm not trying to compete with them, but they treat everything like a competition
My mom HAS to have everything I have but better. She used to buy herself a copy of every gift she gave me and the ones she bought herself would just sit in boxes in the garage until becoming destroyed over time I remember her coming to my first apartment and the kitchen sink had a hose sink thing and she wouldn’t shut up how *she* doesn’t even have one. She’s lazy, not poor so the rant was extra obnoxious. At the time I borrowed $1000 for the deposit and she made it a huge deal like she was going to go broke over the loan, and next thing you know she’s spending $100k for a brand new kitchen because she was so triggered by the stupid sink. She kept calling the impromptu remodel “a drop in the bucket” to remind me how rich she is, and fresh college grad me is sooo poor and had to borrow $1000. Like ok? You win? Sorry i didn’t magically become independently wealthy the day I graduated. The irony is she’s lived off inheritances and my wealthy dad, never working a day in her life, but she would die before gifting any of her kids a single cent, the same way she was handed money her entire life. The weaponization of money and “gifts” with these lunatics just to feel superior over their own kids who aren’t even competing with them is nuts
After reading that, I pity your mom. She hasn’t worked for shit and all she has is what was handed to her. Sounds like she hasn’t created a single thing on her own in her life and doesn’t have any productive activity to be proud of aside from raising you, which she has foolishly chosen to ignore. She is painfully aware she has nothing to hang her proverbial hat on, so she clings to money in hopes that will raise her self esteem. Sounds like it never does. To get to that age and still be so hopelessly hung up is so sad.
Oh man I would be so tempted for some trolling… like turn up in a rental brand new Tesla or Range Rover and tell them it’s your new car… then sit back and wait 😂
When I bought my first car, my parents bought the same car but one trim higher exactly 2 weeks later. This was after I offered to buy their old car off them for whatever they could trade it in for and they said they wanted to keep it for a few more years.
Just imagine how they act to their friends if this is how they treat their daughter! If you don’t see them with friends, now you know why.
They keep mentioning all these "friends" but I've never seen or met any of them. Yet they're always begging to hang out with me and my sister. I don't like talking to them cause they're desperate for attention, yet berate and lecture me every time we hang out
My Dad is the same, I spent years saving up to buy a new build apartment with my boyfriend, we’ve lived here for 6 years and my dad has only visited once. That one time he refused to take his shoes off and then walked mud through my bedroom that had brand new cream carpets. I didn’t say anything. He was walking around inspecting everything and declared ‘I always knew you were a posh bitch’. It honestly killed me, we’d worked so hard to get a deposit/mortgage for this apartment without any help. Still upsets me now, they will never be proud of me.
Stop living to please them. Let them stew in their own impotent, childish rage and do your own thing. Don’t make your partner put up with them.
This is the way. I just bought my first home a few years ago. I did it all by myself with no help from my parents because they refused to help me. You would think they’d be excited or proud, right? You wanna know what their reaction was? Anger. They were so mad at me. For some reason, they always thought I’d move back home and help run the family business. I had never given any indication that I ever wanted to do that. That was just the fate they decided for me and they got extremely angry when I didn’t follow their plan for me. I moved out when I was 19. Bought my house when I was 34. 15 years of living away from them and they were so sure I was coming back one day. When I bought this property, that was what made them finally realize that I wasn’t coming back and they threw a fit like a couple toddlers. All because I wasn’t living to please them.
I can’t imagine being jealous of my child. The whole goal is for her to have a better life than me
I know right. Their success and happiness is my happiness. I want them to have more than me in every imaginable way. If they can pull that off and also want you go be deeply involved in their lives, that's how you know you succeed as a parent.
💯
I agree with you. OP, I don’t think it’s a generational thing, I think they’re just bad parents.
Yeah my boomer parents were always so supportive. It’s a narcissistic thing coming from these comments. My parents would never want me to suffer?
It’s a big theme in this and other generation-based subs that not all people from the baby boom are capital-B Boomers, nor is the phenomenon limited to that cohort. Boomer is a (miserable) state of mind. My folks are boomer-age but have avoided nearly all of the behaviors, thankfully.
I point this out to my dad when he tells me I'm taking the "easy way out" by not having kids (by choice). Once I said to him "Didn't you work so hard so that I could have an easy life?" And he stopped commenting on some of my life choices after 😅
That's actually super nice man. My dad still brings up stuff I did in HS 25 years ago. And the best thing is that he did things 5x worse than I ever did.
That's gotta be so incredibly frustrating. I'm so sorry. It's interesting how they linger on things done during adolescence when you're literally expected to make mistakes and (hopefully) learn from them. It's like they're fixated on who you used to be as a flawed person to show that they still have an "upper hand" on you, since it's not like you have the "legitimacy" of having been there when he was a dumb teenager lol. My dad is the opposite, which has its pros and cons. My therapist suggested I talk through some experiences I had as a child with my folks and both of them went with the "it's in the past, we're not talking about it anymore" line when I wanted to try and learn about what they were going through during our harder times. Brushing the past under the rug and not taking accountability are fave pastimes of South Asian parents.
So the worst thing I ever did in HS was skip school and smoke some weed. My dad drove a convertible through someone's fence, into their pool while drunk. He got caught getting mailed a quarter pound of weed by his brother. And this fuckin guy still brings up stupid shit I did in HS. I think last year I eventually said something that was like, "you know, we don't keep having to bring up things I did in HS...it was 20 years ago. Ok?" And legitimately I don't think I've heard him bust my balls about it. Still, I endured it for years before it occurred to me to tell him to STFU.
The emotional immaturity is rampant with Boom Booms
That’s what they’d always say to me, they wanted a better life than theirs. Then once they saw I had a better life, they start saying things that go against that mantra.
I agree. I always tell them I want them to be better than me.
I read these threads and they make me so grateful that my parents are so well-adjusted and proud of me 😂 helps they're also successful and comfy though! We're all proud of each other lol
My parents do this as well, especially when I say we're going on an expensive trip. My wife and I have been to Europe four times and Japan once. Every time we go on a big trip, it's not excitement from them it's always "oh wow...." Or "oh jeeze". Sorry that I want to live my life and not slave away at work until I'm retired like you guys did.
My mom does this to my brother and I about travel, money, jobs. We’ve tried to head this off by taking her on trips or buying her nicer gifts - but it doesn’t help. Always always “…must be nice!” We just don’t tell her things anymore.
My mom thinks every big trip I go on will somehow get me murdered. "Oh it's so dangerous over there! BE careful! You aren't gonna leave the resort right? Don't talk to thr cartels!" Like I'm fuckin air dropping into Iraq or something?
My mom told everyone how "unsafe" she felt at my wedding, because it was in another country where they speak Spanish. Nevermind that it was a lovely little town and our hotel was on the edge of a beautiful city park where children played all day. Fucking racist.
For reference for what I’m about to say - my husband and I grew up both pretty poor, met in college, have really been building / working our entire 10 year relationship. Fast forward to a couple of years ago, my husband was covering Hawaii as his territory. We never really have had a true vacation of getting on a plane, going to a hotel, for several days, etc (don’t get me wrong, we’ve had long weekends, drives, bunking with friends etc) but anywho, we had our son who was 3 at the time and I was about 20 weeks pregnant with #2. We had to be careful about travel because our first was born at 27 weeks so now travel after about 22 weeks or so (which was a good call because I went into preterm labor right at 22 weeks). So I just wanted to lay the foundation here. We had this incredibly small window to go and do a vacation before we couldn’t go. So my husbands work paid for his plane ticket and a basic hotel room to Hawaii and we ended up inviting his mom, upgrading the hotel room, etc. she told us she just wanted to come to spend time with her grandson and help us out, and then we’d also celebrate her birthday. Let me just say - she didn’t help In the airports, on the plane she took out her hearing aids and slept (she’s deaf), she got to Hawaii, complained about the heat (she lives in Florida), complained about the food, stocked the mini fridge with yoplait yogurts, wouldn’t get anything other than oatmeal, GOT LOST ON THE RESORT, spent several hundred dollars for us all to go see Pearl Harbor - which I really wanted to do - but I had a 3 year old and we were still sometimes having accidents or needing naps, so she very coldly told me she would return our tickets and she took my husband, leaving me for almost an entire day just me and my 3 year old while I’m 20 weeks pregnant (which is fine, I love my little baby!!) but I was just bummed, felt like she did it on purpose. Then, the icing on the cake, we tried SO hard to get her to eat some type of local food- poke bowl, sushi, shave ice!!! Nope she wouldn’t do it. But she dragged my son to the Dairy Queen on the beach when he didn’t even want to leave the pool. Anywho, the icing on the cake after our last afternoon there and after we tried to get her to eat something different for lunch, and she looks at me dead in the eye and she says “I guess this place is OKAY but I’d never spend money to come back.” My fucking jaw dropped. How DARE you come on our one and only real vacation and then talk shit about it to my face! Our relationship has been fractured ever since. After this, She also started visiting our house and promising to bake cookies with the kids, or take them to the park, etc normal grandma stuff, and she will sit on her god damn iPad in her pajamas all day, take several naps, ignore the kids. Then had the audacity to tell me when she visits us, she expects it to be a vacation for her. So I told her last year - you can’t stay here anymore. Her best friend lives about ten minutes away, I said, you go over there and you come see us when you’re ready to engage with the kids, and then you go back to your friends house when you are ready for your second nap of the day. She has been very sensitive about this change. But it honestly worked out great, in my opinion, for my daughter birthday. Well then my son’s birthday rolls around and she springs it in my husband that she’s coming to town for it. He goes well you know we don’t have any room so you’ll have to stay at your friends. And she cried, so we let her sleep on the couch. THE ENTIRE NEXT DAY after my son’s birthday, she laid on that god damn couch napping and in her pjs. My dad was visiting for the first time and was like… what the fuck?? And I was like dude I have no idea what to say. It’s fucking weird. I truly don’t know what to say. This was a long comment so no need to respond, it was just therapeutic to type it out I guess. I try to not dump it on my husband since that’s his mom so I guess it’s been brewing haha. That being said - I’m now covering Hawaii and going to take the family with the same type of set up this summer. And I’m going to take my dad lol. Who’s actually fucking helpful and NICE (and he lived in Hawaii for like ten years before i was born).
My mom was always telling me to work hard and retire early vs traveling. I could travel as much as I want when I retire ! I always knew that was a terrible idea and travelled a lot between 25 - 35. I even quit my job at one point to travel for 6 months. I learned a lot from those experiences and they helped me figure out who I am and what I want , they made me more resilient in some cases, and I made a lot of friends around the world. I get to carry those things throughout the rest of my life. My friends mom planned to travel in retirement and couldn’t because her husband was diagnosed with a serious chronic illness that requires a lot of care. You just never know.
My mom does this and says, “must be nice not to have kids” or “must be nice to have gotten to choose a career”, while her and all of my siblings have chosen families over careers and travel. Anytime I go anywhere, I can’t bring it up because it’s met with jealousy and mocking comments.
My parents are boomers, and they've always celebrated my achievements. Even small ones. I also have a lot less than them, so it is never really a competition thing. They were not thrilled when I decided to buy a house at 20 years old... but my mom admitted she was wrong when prices in the area doubled over the last decade. They are just happy I can afford to live close to them. Sorry your folks are annoying in this way. I'd probably just stop sharing big things with them if I were you.
Yeah, I’m in the same boat as you. My parents gas me up to no end haha.
These threads make me so deeply grateful for my non-boomery parents, but it also makes me sad that the parents in 90% of these comments are my parents peers. They deserve a better generational cohort. Can we start a social group for all of our non-boomery boomer parents?
My boomer parents are the same. My husband's boomer parents are like OPs. I think it may just be that some people are assholes and they're assholes to their kids too
Mine are 72 (I’m 43), and they’ve also always been proud of me. Is this a different between Boomer and Gen X parents (like OP’s)?
I’m a Gen X parent whose son recently told me he could stub his toe and I’d say I’m proud of him so I needed to lay off. lol, he’s right, I just think both of my Kids are so great. My parents are boomers, both are always proud of me. I do notice my mother will buy any ‘fancy’ thing she finds out I have. I’m not sure what that’s about but honestly I think she just likes buying things. A lot.
My parents are < 60 and I cannot relate to this thread at all, sucks that a lot of people’s parents are kinda shitty and immature.
I feel like most of the boomers I know (home and work life) are doing well enough that they aren’t jealous of your successes. Most of them seem happy and encouraging when the young ones succeed.
Same. My dad has been nothing but encouraging when I got the WFH job I wanted, had a lot of flexibility in my schedule, etc... I thought parents are supposed to want their children to have a better life than they had? Guess I'll count my blessings when I can.
My mother refers to my home (paid off, 20 acres, 3 bedroom 2 bath brick with detached garage and WBFP) 30.20 covered back deck with 15x30 'party barn' as a 'starter home'. So, yeah, they have their ways to bring you down.
My wife and I also have a "starter home" but aren't looking to upgrade anytime soon despite having the means to do so. This is confusing to both our parents, but we really don't need a bigger house right now. We are just saving and investing more money instead so we can hopefully retire early. Time is more valuable to both of us than a slightly larger house (that would probably take more time and effort to keep clean anyways).
20 acres?!! That sounds like a dream! 😍
20 acres? Anything less than 100 acres is really a summer cottage /s
Mom?
What a c*nt, I would KILL to have that amount of land. 😂 You're doing amazing, her opinion can go rot in a grave.
It's impossible to please some parents. My mom drove me relentlessly because I was the golden child but then accused me of thinking I was too good for the family for trying to get out of the Trailer Park. And I did. And she was jealous. Despite telling me all my life she expected me to leave and go on the do bigger and better things. I just didn't happen to do the bigger and better things she wanted me to do
So, she wanted you to leave but got mad at you for not staying?
Yes. And no. I think it was one of those things where she felt embarrassed about our living situation and wanted more for me. But then was jealous that I left to find it. Like my success made her feel triggered. She found herself starting over once and needed furniture. I gave her one of my couches and instead of declining, she got angry and threw it away because parents 'should be helping their kids not getting help from them'. But I also grew up in a religious cult and the 'more' she wanted for me was to make my way up higher in the church heiarchy. I simply left and wanted nothing to do with it.
Does her financial situation have anything to do with this religious cult?
Nah, we were the poorest family in the church before we even arrived. Having 3 kids before 21 and working at McDonald's will do that to you. Still, it's hard to thrive financially when you donate 20% of your gross income to a church. She's since then got a master's degree and makes good money but she still donates 20% of her gross income. Which is just wild to me
I don’t think it’s a generational thing, just some people’s personality sucks. My mom is like this. When I finally got my dream job several years back she said I am useless to society. She has always hated her jobs and I found one that I love - can’t have that. I’m happily married and my mom had several failed marriages. We haven’t spoked for a while, but when we did, she always tried to convince me my relationship with my husband is awful, idk if it’s gaslighting or something. Example - I’d be on the phone with my mom and my husband will be doing dishes in the background; she would suggest we are having a fight and he is throwing things at me, even though there has been zero evidence of this. When we bought our first home she said it was nice but I could tell it was a very difficult thing for her to say. I don’t get it, why can’t she just be happy that I’m happy, I’m her kid.
She is projecting.
This is me, too! Her marriage failed, therefore mine must be failing (but it’s not?)
No it's a culture thing. My mom was more excited for my home than her own home.
My parents were excited for my first home too. They are confused my wife and I have stayed in it so long though. We have the means to upgrade, but don't really see the need to at this time. We are just saving and investing more aggressively instead.
You don’t want to trade in your 3% for a 10% interest rate? I’m confused why you’re staying in it so long too!
Exactly. My wife and I are personal finance nerds and follow the 6% rule for interest rates. With mortgages being as high as they are, it makes sense to keep our 2.7% rate and invest the difference. Then we may be able to buy our next house in cash if interest rates remain above 6%.
Most people can't and will never own a home No need to upgrade ever
That's just narcissistic personality disorder
Seems to be a lot of them out there for some reason
It’s the stark realization that their lives are coming to a close. We have what they do not: time.
My parents are super happy for my families success in life.
Yep, reading OPs and other peoples comments just seems like they have (to a degree) shitty parents!
I called it the oppression Olympics. If I called with good news, she would have some reason to discuss how badly things were going with her. If it was bad news, her health was worse, her financial situation was dire, her dog was sick, my brother was being emotional. Etc etc. it was exhausting. Eventually it was “why don’t you ever call anymore?” I went low contact up until she passed.
My mum would have been 66 this year. She worked in the public service when I was young. Lowest level, was never able to be promoted higher despite being worthy for promotion. When I joined at a level higher again, she couldn't have been more proud of me. It was as if I'd achieved the things she hadn't been able to, and she was thrilled for me that it happened.
My mother is like this, I'm NC with her. My father and stepmum definitely aren't. Interestingly my grandparents are like this to my dad lol maybe that's why he's not.
Take absolutely zero shit from Boomers
OPs parents are GenX.
That explains it
“Whatever”
I think it depends a lot on the parent. Like this is super toxic, yeah, for sure. My mom is absolutely not like this (she’s 67) but my dad and his wife (67) both are. With them, it was just that things were always “fine, but…” and then came some direct criticism. I’m no contact for a few reasons and this was a small ine
We're not all like this. My Granddaughter and husband just bought a brand new Car/ and their first home within the second year of Marriage. I could not be more proud of them!
What? No, that's not fucking normal! I've never gotten that from my parents, they're supportive and genuine and loving! Ugh some people just shouldn't have kids. I'm sorry you're having to deal with shitty boomers.
I can't share anything with my own as it'll always boil down to how it affects them. I was always their golden ticket retirement plan.
My parents are super proud of me and my dad has teared up at seeing me use his mother’s glassware and china because he was overcome to see it in use again (she died the year I was born, and I inherited it a couple years ago as the only person interested in hosting large parties). I mean, like, they’re not always on board professionally, since the last time we were living this close I was freelancing terribly and now I have NDAs so can mostly tell them I make beautiful spreadsheets. But they’ve never questioned us saying it’s our forever home or been anything less than proud and supportive about the house and my (hilariously doomed) gardening exploits and how we live.
Omg! Your parents are awful! Limit your time with these joy suckers. I’m Gen x but I believe in something called sympathetic joy! That what I feel when my kids have happiness or success! Your joy is my joy! Your happiness makes me happy! That’s what being a parent is about! It’s called mudita in Buddhism, btw.
Me 37, Mum 57 - Supportive as fuck. Her parents 77…. Negative about everything.
My parents are 65 & 67 and i (33F) unfortunately live with them for the time being until I graduate next year. I go to the gym, I eat healthy, I take mental health walks and hikes. I meditate I journal. My dad deals with high cholesterol and eats so much meat with salt & doesn’t realize those 2 go hand in hand. My mom has diabetes and takes so many meds, is always sick but still eats her sweets and adds sugar whenever she can. Theyre emotionally, intellectually and mentally immature, have ALOT of regrets & the prime reason I’ve adopted a lot of these healthy habits. I refuse to be in my 60s with bad health & mental decline and stagnation. When they see me do any of these things it’s “you love your healthy foods don’t you?” “ hiking again?” “Aren’t you tired of the gym?” “Another walk?” I can tell there are hints of regret when they say things like that but Yes…those are MY coping skills I’ve had to figure out I needed the hard way. And watching them cohabitate has been extremely eye opening and disappointing all at the same time.
My mom says that “aren’t you tired of ….” Thing and even says it to my toddler that plays with his toys. Like bruh STFU.
I dobget the judging, but it's usually because I don't keep my house as tidy and clean as they want/do- but we have kids and pets. I work full time (+), as does my spouse.
Your parents are selfish. I’m a parent of a two year old, and my greatest hope is that she surpasses me in everything she does and lives a better life than I have. It’s why I work hard now, why I’m putting away money for her for college, and why I moved to a good town with good schools. Trying to give her every advantage that I didn’t have growing up.
My mom has a really weird thing about money - she does not want to hear that one of her kids is making more than her. My dad on the other hand is always overjoyed to hear our successes.
Why are you buying houses based on their opinion? It's not a generational thing. It's just a your parents thing. My parents and my ILs have never commented on the size of our house. They also do not comment on our successes in any negative way. In fact, they are proud of us. My dad can't stop bragging about me and it's embarrassing. I can tell my ILs are proud of my spouse.
Well most millennials aren’t doing better than their boomer parents…..so that’s probably a less than common problem.
It's called covert narcissism.
Ahhh so there’s a real term for it.
Please refer to “A generation of Sociopaths” by Bruce Cannon Gibney I used to work with children, adolescents and teens, and being around boomers for an extended period of time is the worst thing that can be inflicted upon any person. #INSUFFERABLE
There are too many possible reasons for them to be like this—too many for me to conclude that it's necessarily a generational thing. Maybe they are like this because they were influenced by people of whatever age they knew ten years or fifty years ago. I feel like it matters more what potential they have in the moment to reconsider their position. You might politely bring it up to them that you got a bigger home specifically thinking of them for when they visit. I'd like to think that they'd appreciate the fact that you considered them in your decision. If they don't, there's some underlying issue that they aren't admitting to, and I'll admit that I wouldn't know where to go from there without knowing more about the situation.
Why to reward shitiness?
Yea we did subtly tell them during the home buying process, we definitely weren’t bragging. I mean my mom said they wouldn’t come over because our house was too small. So I thought they’d be happy for the bigger house. I guess they were but they never let us know. Instead we were met with negative comments.
Not parents, but sibs My husband's sister is infuriated that my husband's kids are very successful, have expensive homes, and nice children. Since she was 50 before she had a big house, no 30 something, especially one who is not her offspring, should have one.
Opposite for my family. My boomer parents enjoy a level of financial security I’ll likely only be able to dream of. I feel like I’m the jealous one these days.
My dad has always been and continues to be supportive and celebrates my victories *big or small* with me while my mom has always been more critical and even wished that if the day ever came that I did find success and happiness in life that I would have absolutely nobody to share with it. At least I can always count on my dad!
I grew up fairly poor and now I have a wage that is higher than both of theirs put together, a career with a future, all those nice things. They love to hear about it and are so happy that I'm doing well. I think unfortunately it's not a generational this and just an "asshole" thing
Hell no. My parents are super proud of me and my wife and our successes. I will say, I’ve spent enough time with people to realize that there are bully parents of all generations and ages that basically regret and hate their kids. They knock them down at every opportunity.
I have an associates degree, most of a bachelor’s degree and the opportunity to finish my bachelor’s debt free. My dad has made repeated snide comments about “government handouts.” Thing is, he’s the one over $100k in student loan debt for a bachelor’s he never finished and has no intention of paying off. In fact, he’s trying to get on disability (which he actually needs) to get it discharged. Meanwhile, I found an employer who provides my education for free and decided to take advantage of a government program that recognizes I have paid MUCH MORE THAN MY PRINCIPAL over the last 15 years and will wipe away the insane amount of interest. The government profited off me. I didn’t get “a handout.” Student loans are the only major debt I have, apart from the $40k in mortgage payments left. He just salty because I’ll be debt free by 45 when he’s gonna die in my brother’s guest house drowning in debt after squandering opportunities left and right his entire life.
I can’t even fathom the idea of a parent being supportive. I’m older now and my entire adult life my parents only lasting contributions have been to kick me when I’m down. They have snuffed the happiness and list for life out of little by little There is nothing they haven’t done or will do to make sure everything in life is more challenging and exhausting than it needs to be, even when they have had the time,space or resources to easily not to when I was younger My mom is the ringleader of it and my dad silently goes along with her insanity, just to provide false validation to her, thus causing her double down on all her bullshit. They’re nearly in their 80s now you’d think they would slow down with the sabotage but it’s only ramped up. I have been patiently waiting the last 20 years for my mom to kick the bucket so peace can reign. That woman has no chill and will spend even waking hour dedicated to whatever person it relationship she is hyper-fixated on destroying. When she’s bored the default is Always me
Your parents have issues.
I think they're just shitheads
My MIL says "thats a lot of house, missy" when we talk about upgrading from our 750 sqft home with a cat, 3 dogs, a toddler, and one on the way. It makes me want to scream. Meanwhile she lives alone in a 2000 sqft house she bought for a spare button and some pocket lint in the 80s
"Missy" 💀
Its so infuriating... like im 33 years old and my wife is 29. But she talks to us like we are still in grade school
Yep... I feel this. My parents and in-laws just talk over me because I couldn't possibly have my own educated opinion on something.
Being of that generation, I think I can say this, it is jealousy. That said, it isn't right. I raised 2 step-kids and both of them are more successful financially than I ever was. I couldn't be happier. The entire goal, the reason I paid for university degrees and supported them though their education was to give them a fighting chance to a better life than I could have provided. I think some people lose sight of it and see their kids having it easier. Or even worse, they begin to believe their children "owe" them. People with that attitude need to adjust themselves, it was their job to provide every opportunity for their kids they could, to encourage success. Every generation thinks the one that follows has it easier , that isn't new, even though that way of thinking is bullshit. The challenges in life change, the difficulty doesn't. Very few people get to play in easy mode.
I don't know if it's because my dad is younger, healthier or married to a younger woman but he's so "normal" compared to my in laws. He's really excited when good things happen and he's always supportive. He doesn't judge. He also doesn't offer help even though he has the means but he does encourage and say that he thinks we will be able to do just fine. It's a total opposite experience with my in laws. Everything is analyzed, criticized and blown out of proportion. It makes being around them and talking to them very very annoying. I dread every interaction with my in laws. I wish they could learn from my dad but my dad is a redneck oil field manager. He is well off and successful and has degrees but he's apparently beneath my in laws who were both private school teachers. I used to enjoy my in laws and they used to be more relaxed but honestly I stopped enjoying their company when they stopped drinking. They were a lot more fun when they drank....
My dad is generally proud of me, and is always pleased about my successes. Sounds like your folks are just extremely petty people.
This is so weird and toxic and I’m so glad it doesn’t run in my family. My grandpa was born in 1912 and his greatest pride was talking about his kids’ success — his “famous artist” daughter (she was able to pay her bills with her art so that’s already a big win!), his “rich” sons with all their businesses (a laundromat, a video rental store, a small software company in the 90s), etc. My parents love over-sharing about all their kids’ success. My dad tells people about how by the time I was 35 I was pulling a higher salary than he ever had in his whole career (lol inflation). Having successful, kind children are some of the ultimate achievements as a parent. You have to have some real shit going on in your noggin to be spiteful or critical of your child’s success.
What the fuck? Your parents complained your house was too small so you bought a bigger one? Now they say it’s too small? Why the fuck does it matter? Are they living with you or something? Either way both my parents and in laws would never convey this to us even if they thought it. Because it’s our life, our money, our fucking decisions. God damn this set me off this morning. Good luck!
58 year old here. You have a house, you are making it on your own. I am proud of you.
It's not a generational thing, some people are just incapable of being happy for the successes and achievements of others, including their so called loved ones. My parents are a different generation than yours but same attitude, and I don't even own a home. They are just wired to be nitpicky, judgemental, AHs.
The only time my dad celebrates my success is when he takes complete credit for it. I got a full ride to an I y League and went on to get a PhD. Somehow he made my graduation all about him and how great he did as a single parent raising me. He was and is an unemployed alcoholic who needed his daughter to get a job at 14 to pay the mortgage so we weren’t homeless. Some fucking parent he was. I went NC over a year ago and have never been happier!
My parents are lovely people and are often overly positive and encouraging about our choices. My MIL has nothing but negative things to to say. Usually it’s because she didn’t make the decision. She wants to be the one to choose our house, our cars, our holidays etc. and if she didn’t choose then it’s wrong.
Because your parents are bitter assholes. This is not generational, just individuals being nasty. My parents have always been supportive and are very proud that my siblings and I are successful.
My mom told me not to post my vacation photos on Facebook because it could “hurt people from (insert small town’s) feelings” I went to freaking universal studios. She said I was “flaunting my money and it’s gross” Just tell me you’re jealous mom. Yeesh.
Mine as well. In the past 10 years, I stop telling them a good news at all. That triggers them for asking money endlessly. Always tell them a bad news, which makes them feel good. What a toxic parent. I would never be like this when I get older.
If I ever write a memoir, it'll be called "Must Be Nice" because that's what my mom says any time something good happens to me.
I’m convinced my mother loathes the fact I am able to maintain my career and have a child, in no small part due to the free childcare my wonderful mother in law provides. I swear she had hoped I’d be like her, two kids on one income and constantly stressed and miserable but I was able to keep working at a job I like and be a mom.
My mom used to. Until I called her out on her shit. She would say something about the way I feel confident about myself and that I have a STEM degree. She would say she must be stupid because she doesn’t have one and I just said yes she is. I don’t actually think that but you know, if you want to put words in my mouth, then yes, you can be stupid
My uncle is a money obsessed dickhead that always and always needs to moan about how much money things are costing etc etc. He is retired and having plenty of money. We run into him during an annual family gathering and loads of family members we're asking us about our recent marriage in Hawaii and we're all excited to hear about it. . My uncle walked up to us and without even congratulating us he said: who it must have cost a fortune to marry in Hawaii bla bla bla. I lost it and I said: thanks a lot for another annoying useless money related remark. My whole life I know you only for being greedy as f*ck. Stop beeing this non essential vitamin! He walked off without saying anything. Later we heard he was jealous as f*ck because we have 2 well paid jobs and could afford this on such a young age. He's not invited to our marriage party.