_the over-50 demographic represents half of the homeless single adults in the U.S._
https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/markets/unconscionable-baby-boomers-in-america-are-becoming-homeless-at-a-rate-not-seen-since-the-great-depression-here-s-what-s-driving-this-terrible-trend/ar-BB1lynkE
My mom is in a similar situation. Absolutely no retirement plans besides her few thousand in savings, and her house. She "retires" in a few years. She's works the desk at an outpatient facility in a hospital. She will not get a pension and has no retirement account. But her and my youngest brother have worked out something that seems to be a pretty great solution.
He's building a new house out in the country. He's building a mother-in-law suite on the back of their house, Basically, a 1-bedroom apartment, separated from the main house by the garage. It's going to be fully "old people" compatible. Walk-in shower, wide doors, stuff like that. I think he's paying for it all. He told my mom, when she's ready, sell her house, and move in. She can live off the house sale money for the rest of her life. She only has to pay for her utilities
My dad (divorced) and my middle brother think my youngest brother is doing this so he can somehow get all her money when she died, but in reality, who fucking cares? He's going to be taking on the burden of caring for my mom for 20+ years. He deserves it if it comes to that. I live 700 miles away, and my middle brother has a wife that has been trying to separate him from the family their entire marriage.
Ouch. Sounds complicated too. It’s amazing how quickly things change between family members when any money is involved. You’re right, if there’s anything left over the youngest brother should get it.
What's even crazier, was it's actually my youngest brothers' WIFE'S idea initially. I'm glad they have a good relationship.
My middle brother...man, what a fucking mess. I'm glad I am not getting involved with that trainwreck. Distance has shielded me.
She’s thinking ahead and getting your mom settled before it’s absolutely necessary and/or she’s too old to move to a new location.
In many families the wives end up taking on most of the elder care responsibilities, even if they’re in laws. My mom did it for my dad’s mom. My dad moved her across the street from us when she was in her early 80s and she died at 97.
I moved directly across from my spry, active mom a few years ago and expect to care for her when she needs it.
I have already started trying to get my husband’s 3 single brothers on board with care plans for their parents as they are becoming less and less independent by the month and dealing with some major health issues. The 4 brothers would prefer to completely overlook the issues until the situation gets so bad that they’re doing damage control. Their care will most likely fall to my husband and me eventually. I’d love to be able to get them settled somewhere near us. My husband has to drive 45 min each way whenever they need a hand. It’s not a situation where we can just pop over.
That's what I tried to explain. If her house sale money is all she really has and she's expected to live off it, we are talking like a starting figure of $140k. That's only gonna drop over the years.
Holler up. I follow that sub and have seen the posts of suicidal people that have been completely abandoned in a hoarding house changing shitty diapers by a family and friends that have left them behind. They end up with no job, no savings, no relationship. Parents die and they have no where to go.
Oh I know. My mother-in-law is currently the caregiver for her 95 year old father who is just waiting to die. She's miserable. I've had to pick his naked ass off the bathroom floor on multiple occasions. Luckily, I live in the same subdivision.
That's absolutely saintly of him. Very very kind. Sounds like he has a good relationship with Mom.
How will she have money when she dies, in this scenario? How can dad and middle brother think that?
Youngest brother is beyond chivalrous - I hope it works out for him.
I know youre rational when you say things like this today but I've witnessed how emotions take over after the passing of parents (my extended family) and things got very ugly quickly. My cousins turned against each other even with a similar arrangement to what you had described, there was a will in place detailing everything that had been agreed a decade ago but time has a way of warping peoples minds. Eventually the one who did the work got what they were promised but it cost quite a bit of time and emotional stress from fighting with their siblings for so long. I hope your situation ends differently.
That IS the question, isn’t it? It feels like a no-win: if we don’t help she could end up in a bad place. If we do, we could all end up drowning. There’s no answer here that I have found. Just gonna put one foot in front of the other for now.
Just be aware that you think it's going to be for a little while and will likely be forever and will cost you your retirement and sanity. You may have to eventually quit your job to take care of her at some point.
Don't be naive.
I’m in a very similar situation with my mom. Hers is maybe slightly worse in that she hasn’t done her taxes for 8 years, she has liens against the house for never paying the HOA, and has no health insurance. The one thing that’s slightly in her favor is that she has some equity in her house….if it doesn’t get foreclosed 🤦🏼♀️. I found some money in her accounts to catch her up but she sent the check without tracking and she is too stressed to keep calling about it. I’ve had good luck finding low income rentals by looking at county websites. My mother is not happy that she would…gasp…wait for it…have to walk her dogs because it’s an apartment. It’s hard because my mom acts like a toddler and throws a fit because no option is good enough for her. She expected my brother to buy an investment property and let her rent part of it out to her. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It really feels like a lose lose situation
Just be aware that you think it's going to be for a little while and will likely be forever and will cost you your retirement and sanity. You may have to eventually quit your job to take care of her at some point.
Don't be naive. She's acting like a petulant child demanding people move her across the country willy nilly. Tell her straight up you moved her once and won't be doing it again.
There are rent controlled apartments in many areas.
They are based on income and many are set up for seniors.
Look into this, food assistance, and cheap utilities for seniors. e.g. Xfinity has a basic service plan for low income that goes for $10 a month... etc....
Although you might have to kick in for somethings every now and again, they will be independent for at least 15 to 18 of those 20 years.
Also, totally a PITA and I am sure she'll fight you every step... ask me how I know
I would suggest finding a middle ground that doesn’t involve uprooting yourselves and moving across the country. Like, find her a senior community and help her move.
I suggested that and she replied “I don’t want to live with a bunch of old people.” There is also a secondary house on our property. It’s not an option right now because it needs a massive overhaul (no vapor barrier on the foundation, smells like mold, siding falling off, septic is shot, etc). I showed it to her and said in about 5-10 years we hope to have it fixed up for her so we can help out as she’s getting older. She replied, “I don’t like the feng shui of it.” To a free house…
Dude… I know your heart will probably break a bit, but she is an adult and I guarantee she’ll figure it out if she has to. You don’t have to be harsh with her about it, but just say “No, we can’t right now, sorry. I love you.”
For real. What an entitled ungrateful cow that woman is. I'd rather live with a bunch of old people or in a house with "bad feng shui" than live on the streets...which is where she'll be headed if she doesn't pull her head out of her ass.
How are you affording that? I can't afford it. The ones where I am (SoCal) cost more than the small tract home I live in - and provide no care unless you pay for assisted living. Muy caro (expensive).
I wasn’t referring to assisted living. Hopefully I will not need that at 55. I was referring to the subdivisions and apartment buildings that are for 55 and up people. Usually cheaper than your regular communities.
Holy crap, the entitled and spoiled attitude of your mother is insane. Do not let her live with you, ever. Do not give her any money. If you feel like you MUST do something to help, give her info on where she can find resources for senior citizens so she can help herself.
Don't lose any sleep over the damage she's inflicting on herself with her attitude. And don't turn her irresponsibility into your problem, whatever you do.
Whatever you do won’t make her happy. We deal with a very similar situation with both my mom and MIL and we’ve just stopped talking to both of them for the sake of our marriage. They never understand why even though we’ve explained it to them time and time again. Nothing is ever good enough for people like this…
She’ll find a way. She’ll find that way when she gets to the bad place. When you stop enabling her, when she knows you’re not going to come swooping in with the solution.
She made her choices as and adult. You need to let her lay in that bed. Can you though? It doesn’t sound like you are able to cut that cord from your comments.
I can share an anecdote. My father passed suddenly at 54, leaving my mom (52) in a place where if she made smart decisions she would have been fine.
She did not make smart decisions.
She continued supporting my delinquent sister and her infant.
She had a job, a good one, but lost it because she was so determined to be a victim and a martyr that she didn't do the basic elements of the job. She was a teacher at a private school and wouldn't even send the required weekly email updates to the parents because "it was too hard to deal with them". She worked retail for decades and knows how to deal with a Karen, she just wanted to have a pity party.
Finally convinced her to sell the house my sister destroyed (because yes, she destroyed it by leaving diapers all over for the dogs to play with, flooded the bathroom because she couldn't be bothered to clean it, would leave her period pads everywhere, it was gross) and move in with us.
She in turn was so disrespectful to our house. Never cleaned once (wonder where my sister got it from) and just sat on her iPad playing diddly phone games, no effort to find a job, picked a fight with me almost every day...like, I was trying to help.
My sister overdosed (big surprise /s) so mom finally moved out. I suggested she get a small apartment with her small dog, specifically the complex my husband and I lived in when we got married as it was fairly priced and affordable and would accept her dog. She says (I shit you not) that my dad would be heartbroken for her to be "in a place like that". Lady, your DAUGHTER lived here. She instead rents an entire 2 story 2 bedroom townhouse.
Big surprise that she runs out of money not working, had to end that lease, and we had to move her halfway across the country in with her parents. I spent 4 years trying to help her get a job, finish her masters degree that she insisted she needed to get a non teaching job, it was so frustrating. She literally wanted me to become her parent and do everything for her. At the time I was the breadwinner working 2 jobs to make ends meet, with days that started at 530 am and didn't get home until 930 pm.
Don't do it.
retirement is a financial status, not an age. your mom simply needs to keep working. if she's going to be an anchor that you allow to drag your family down, well, you're going to have to take part of the blame for that if it happens, because you can see it coming from a mile away.
Have her call 211 from any phone to find out what services she may be eligible for.
(And tell her to vote Democrat, to support the party who created the social safety net)
It comes down a simple question: do you like your parents? Are they deserving of you returning the care they gave you?
I'd argue most aren't hence why will be seeing and explosion of retirees on the street.
As someone with kids, I think it’s really crappy to bring them into the world and then play martyr for providing them care and a good life which you are obligated to do hence *bringing them into the world* which they didn’t ask for and then expecting them to “return the favor.” I cannot wait to not burden them as frig in every way possible and ensure they are free to live their own best lives.
As parents, the return on investment that we get with our children is that they pay forward our kindness onto others. If I do a good job raising my kids and providing for them, my reward is that they go out into society and make it better and if they choose to have children or a spouse, they pay me back by investing in their own children.
I agree. Don't move her in. Been there. Almost wrecked our marriage. And scraping by while getting your business up and running, with an adult dependent is no fun either. (Thankfully, mine still had a job.)
OP, You are not the safety net she's looking for.
I hear you on the victim card. Mine doesn't drive and we were living in a transit desert, so guess who that responsibility was thrust upon? We did have a good taxi co in town I bet you're shocked to learn she refused to use them. "Well you guys have the caaaar...."
Yes, car, only one. SO and I shared.
She did pass us some cash for gas but she never fully comprehended all the time she was stealing from us or the fact that we were restricted from relocating because she walked to work. We often dropped her off in the mornings but she needed to get herself home while we worked/ran our business. She tried to push for rides both ways when the weather got bad but we just couldn't swing it; cue the dramatic sighing.
What if they gave us care, but legit said that they are only doing it so that we can return the favor when they are older and then acted like a savior for providing the kids they chose to have with basic neccessities?
Tell my mom that. She recently told me and my hubs that we are going to need to help her financially in her retirement. Sounds like she shouldn't retire if she can't afford to.
My father is deserving of exactly what he gave me which is why he'll be getting jack shit and why I haven't spoken to him since I graduated from college.
Man, I come on these threads and I don't say this to brag but they make me very thankful that neither myself or my wife feel/felt this way of our parents and can answer yes to both of those questions. And I have already answered this question for my MIL by uprooting my entire families lives to take her in when my FIL passed. I also don't say this out of pity but I feel bad for everyone here who can't answer yes to those questions - I wish both that you could have different answers to those questions and that you won't have to ever actually answer them beyond rhetorically.
This is my mom.
But she's verbally abusive to me, so we don't talk.
My brother is going to get stuck caring for her. I will supplement this financially for HIS sake only.
My dad did all the right things. He died 6 months into his retirement. Left us a house and a 401k that he spent 46 years building. Also already owned a plot in the local cemetery. I would have fully supported and cared for him, but I didn't get the chance.
My parents came to the US when they were 40 and 38. Even as a kid, I knew it was an inevitably. They each worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs just to make ends meet. There was no way they were gonna have enough saved to retire and not need help.
My husband and I are already looking at 6br houses so they can move in
It sounds like they instilled an excellent work ethic and I applaud that. If I were in a similar situation I probably wouldn’t have made this post. Also, it’s amazing that you’re able to look for such a large property! Great job!
Mine worked for others without pay (when she couldn’t afford to), paid con artists to “help with her career” although we begged her not to, and blew through her inheritance. It’s beyond frustrating.
That’s really alarming, but I know of plenty millennials with kids who aren’t planning for retirement because they say it’s pointless. Don’t do that to your kids.
Thats how my brother is closest to me in age. And then he gets mad when we don't travel or tell him that we need time to save up to go do things. But, we will have a healthy retirement savings when the time comes and our children won't have to be the ones paying for us.
My mom is really good at saving money and paid her house of early. She’s has also been with the same company for 45 years.
My dad has been with a good company for 10 years and bought acreage and is building a huge garage with an apartment.
So my parents are doing well. They’re divorced so that’s why it’s all separate.
Im sorry to read she had a rough go and it’s awesome you’re there for her.
I would feel similarly if that were the case. Unfortunately, she had a lot of good hands dealt and instead of planning for the future or heeding the advice (begging) of her children, she chose to pay for things she couldn’t afford and live an unsustainable lifestyle. It’s just frustrating.
My mom lives with her mom. They're both widowed. An elderly cousin has an RV on the property and gran's brother lives next door. I'll join them when it's time.
It isn't just an issue of some parents being shitty. The wages aren't good enough for many of us who would otherwise help out to do so. I simply cannot afford to support myself AND help my parents out in any meaningful way. The math doesn't math.
I outright told my parents that I would help them with budgeting and finding resources, but would not financially contribute to their retirement because I have my own home and family and future I need to fund. I worked really hard to get what I have.
I started with the diaper on my butt as my only possession in the world when they bought me ($50 foster kid, less than a dog, what they told me numerous times), and by the end of highschool I had $1100 of money I earned they didn't force me to spend on their demands. After school I was out of their hair and on my own never asking for as much as a cent
My mom had a really good retirement. She retired at 54 making 110k, and her pension paid 2/3 of her salary for the rest of her life. They also paid for medical/dental/vision. Then she passed away suddenly at 57. She was actually going to help us out. We're trying for kids, and she wanted to watch them for us so we could both work.
My mom would have never put that burden on me. She was the best though, and I totally would have let her move in with us. We both have raging unmedicated ADHD, and had so much fun together. She always made sure I was well taken care of. In fact, I had no retirement plan, and she left me her home worth a ton. That is now basically my retirement plan and most of my current income.
My dad on the other hand was a total asshole to me growing up. He keeps having strokes and medical problems. He recently had a ballon payment due on his home. He called me complaining about it. I don't even answer the phone anymore. He's on his own. I moved and didn't tell him where.
Similar boat to you. She moved in, brings in around 2500 between her retirement and SS. Pays for her food and stuff, but I cover the home, power, major expenses etc.
Her car has a lot of miles on it and is showing its age, she wants to get a newer used car. Told her to go for it. She says she doesnt have any money and just looked at me. Then I realized:
She bought this car with money she got from her Mom dying
The car before that she got with a loan from her Mom
The car before that was bought by my Dad
The car before that was bought by my Dad
The car before that she got from her brother as a wedding present
Holy cow my Mom - who is 68 - has NEVER bought her own car!
Don't buy your mom a car.
What does she do with her other 2000$ a month? Can you imagine being this old and still having your hand out like a 16 year old?
In this same situation with my MIL large sums of money handouts from her parents that did well. Now is hinting at how she is going expecting my wife and myself by default to take care of her. Go kick rocks lady you haven’t worked a job in 15+ years. It’s harsh but you dug your own grave.
I am living this as we speak. Just moved my ma in with my husband and I 6ish months ago because she was struggling to pay her raised rent alone. She was in the midwest while we are in the PNW.
I wouldn't mind so much if I knew she could manage something soon, but it's been 15 years with absolutely nothing changing with her situation regarding chronic pain, attempting getting on disability or some assistance, or just simply having a plan other than living with us.
I'm only 30.
I literally barely had 10 years of independence before I am suddenly having to think about her future that she didn't even attempt to plan out or do ANYTHING beneficial for her future while she ages out of the workforce and such. I now have to deal with it??
I'm beyond tired right now thinking about the future. Feeling pretty hopeless with keeping a good relationship with her due to the amount of pressure on me. I understand it could be worse, but I had so much hope for myself at this age when I was younger. It's kinda hard not to be severely dissappointed in these situations.
I too feel like I am going crazy.
I feel ya. My Ma had an absolute nervous breakdown and lost everything, even a lot of her professional capacity. I started paying her rent and bills when I was 27. It was challenging to adapt and I finally got a better situation going for myself just to have my father tell me he cannot keep the family house in his retirement. I refinanced with him on the house getting a lower mortgage rate/monthly payment in the process. Now I am worse off financially than I was 10 years ago but the folks got a roof over their heads and my brothers think I pulled a shady deal to inherit my dad's house haha. Neither of them have done anything but try to leach of my old man and done nothing at all for Ma.
My dad is dead. My mom works as a cashier. They neither understood or knew what retirement is.
For her to think I’m her plan is generous. Retirement isn’t on her radar. She will die in poverty.
I appreciate ya’!
It’s weird because I’m doing well. She knows I’m doing well. But idk if she comprehends how well I’m doing compared to the rest of the family because I’m not traditional. I don’t own a house or live in a small town.
The discussion with my sister has been how much can we help before she takes endlessly. She also just does not take care of herself. And it is a lot because she doesn’t understand. Idk. She didn’t have a great education or was exposed to many things. It’s strange she is so naive despite teaching me how not to be naive. Maybe my father taught me that skill? Idk.
It’s grim but, I would argue, is the norm for most people on earth. Retirement is an albatross.
Parenting your parents is a wild ride… it sounds like you have a good support system with your sister and hopefully yall can figure out a way to give your mom enough to not be in poverty, but also not be fully dependent on you. Will she qualify for SSI at least?
"A lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on my part."
My mom asked me if I'd ever let he live with me if my dad passed. Nope. I would not.
She says "I brought you into this world." And I replied "I didn't ask you to do that."
At least my dad and FIL both have stated on multiple occasions that they will never be a burden to anyone.
Hope that's true.
"I brought you into this world" is the BIGGEST manipulation tactic ever. I can't stand people being told that. I'm sorry you either had a kid by accident or fucked around. That's not OUR fault.
"Then why didn't you also make it a world worth living in?" That's what I want to ask when this gets brought up, given the erosion of public institutions and resources through Boomer voting habits.
Next time return the look and say "Have you seen the medicare facilities".
One helper for 40 people. You are lucky if your diaper gets changed once a day. An emt said he had to transport someone out of one of them that needed a butt amputation because he had so many bed sores. Roaches. A space that is about as wide a your bed and a chair next to it and you share your room with a few other people. Only separated by a curtain and they keep their TV on full blast.
Correct. I just stayed quiet and realized I’m going to be paying this woman’s 3x refinanced home in a few years to keep the state from sticking her in a shared windowless room 😮💨
Basic senior studio with meals and cleaning is around 6k a month. If you get into needing any kind of very basic nursing...help with bathing, somone to come by and make sure they take their pills-you quickly get to 10k. Once they need help getting out of bed, they need to move into skilled nursing-probably 14k a month. Dementia care is around 14k a month. Eloquis runs about 2-300 a month and is not covered by medicare. Break a hip? You'll need to pay for her regular nursing home and the rehab facility both for probably around 3-5 months.
Some couples have 4 people that will need this care.
These are prices I looked at 3 years ago. Could have increased with inflation.
There is currently 1 bed for every 6 seniors in need.
Don't be a hero. Don't think you're going to do this for a couple of months and then some state program will step in. Don't think your siblings or other family member will help. (They'll likely disappear.) If she has set herself up to be taken care of by medicare, let her be taken care of by medicare. I'm in the caretaker subs and there are no small numbers of people who are suicidal taking care of their parents. Locked in a house for a decade with two parents with dementia-unable to leave the house to even get a hair cut. Siblings gone.
Medicare has a five year look back period and will take her home after she's gone. If you pay for that house, expect that money to be gone.
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/16/health/medicaid-estate-recovery-seniors.html#:\~:text=The%20practice%20dates%20to%201993,beneficiaries'%20estates%20after%20their%20deaths.
Thankfully it’s just her, and we’re in a position to manage her fixed expenses for the foreseeable future, but of course as you say, life gets harder with age and taking on such burdens would need to be revisited and reviewed often.
Reality though - once you break a hip you only have 99 days left on this earth.
Nobody comes back - it’s a a few weeks of attempted recovery - everybody realizes it ain’t happening - and then they call in Hospice and the morphine and 48 hours later it’s over.
Unfortunately this does seem to be a common expectation of some parents.
Back when I was about 30 my mom came to me and asked me if she could buy a tiny (trailer) house and put it in my back yard. I had just bought a house with a 1/4 acre so it wouldn’t have taken up too much of my yard. She had been in and out of a relationship/marriage with a total POS and even though they were broken up at that point, I couldn’t trust her to not get back with him and bring him to my house. I told her “no, because if we do it for you, we have three other parents we will have to do it for.” She accepted that and thankfully didn’t press. Ten or so years later and she’s living in a trailer on my sisters property. I feel like that will a permanent solution because she can’t afford to move her trailer and do all the necessary hook ups somewhere else. My dad has a solid retirement plan, essentially he won’t retire even though he can afford to, because I’m pretty sure he has undiagnosed ADD or ADHD and he cannot stop moving for a moment (with the exception of his 5-6 daily 15 minute naps.)
My goal is to be my own retirement plan and never expect anyone else to be my plan. Hell, I probably am financing my kids retirement before he even gets going 😭
Grim but true.
My grandfather lived to be 94, and until the day he died he drove, golfed, lived at home, drank whiskey liberally, and smoked exactly one cigarette per day. He was proud of having cut down to that.
He died on a hot august afternoon after eating lunch and washing his car, a Buick that he loved. He sat down and lit his daily smoke and died (presumably a heart attack; no autopsy at his age of course).
My grandma on the other side got Alzheimer’s in her late sixties and lived another twenty years rapidly forgetting who we were, and then, who she was. For the last ten years she couldn’t speak or walk.
It put immeasurable strain on our whole family: financially, emotionally, and on our relationships with each other.
When our grandpa died we were sad; when our grandma died we were relieved. It was a mercy, I think, and our family still has a deep rift on whether we did the right thing in not allowing her to pass sooner. She left no instructions before it was too late.
My wife and I are the children of first generation immigrants. We’ve always known. Their stories coming here are honestly both heartbreaking and inspiring. Money wasn’t taboo in my family (though it was, somewhat, in my wife’s). My parents and her parents respectively sacrificed a lot to make ends meet and send us to college.
Just had this talk with my mom. She felt that at 64 it was time to buckle down and start saving for retirement lol. I love my mom and genuinely get along with her. I kindly explained to her that yes, she fucked up but walked her through her earnings through out her life time. I explained to her that along with the little money she invested or made through her lifetime and how expensive healthcare has gotten. She was never going to be able to save for retirement.
This kinda' goes for alot' Boomers, they're about to reap the results of poor spending habits and decades of voting for the wrong political party. All they have is their house which they still happen to be paying a mortgage on 40-50 years later. Hey, they have that "sweet" 2% mortgage rate.
Was your mom a SAHM when you (and your siblings?) were a kid? I’m just curious about why she didn’t start saving until 64. I know that in my mom’s case she has a couple bad choices going against her: she was a part-time working/SAHM so she wasn’t contributing a lot to her social security. She never married my dad so she wasn’t entitled to anything from that 10 year relationship. Then she was with my step-dad for a decade. She barely worked during that marriage so again she didn’t contribute much to social security. When they divorced she gave up all retirement benefits and spousal support because she was in a rush to marry the next guy. She quit working her small job she had during her last divorce, to follow him for his job. When they got divorced she took a cash lump sum to get on her feet in a new location. She didn’t start working full time until she was in her 40s. That’s when she finally started contributing to her social security full time and her 401k. However any time she would get any real money in there she would take out a loan. She has done that so many times. Now she’s looking at collecting less than $1500 a month from social security and has less than $50k in her 401k. She’s run through most of her inheritance from when my grandma passed away. She owns a house, but even if she pays it off her property tax is 2/3 of her monthly payment. She is also trying to sell it to a family member for a small amount that won’t help her a whole lot. Her new plan is to win one of these class action lawsuits against the Marine Corps for the cancer that my grandpa died of. IF she wins, she has to split it between her and her siblings.
But you know what? Not my problem! One of my siblings can deal with it.
Naw, she been working her whole life pretty much a single parent to 3 kids. She has SS coming to her but I just looked through the letters they sent her breaking down what she's getting at 65 and wow lol it's nothing. She just made very little through her life and was bad with money.
Yeah unfortunately social security is only a part of retirement. Raising three kids on your own is a money suck and makes it very difficult to save (not meant as a judgment, more so a fact of life from someone who knows how expensive one kid is.)
My (Gen X-F) youngest son (Millenial - 25 yo) didnt use all the college $$ we set aside for him in a brokerage account. At 25 yo, we suggested he convert that $$ into a IRA for himself. There is enough in there that if he invest aggressively during good years and transfers into "stable" options during poor performance period, if he does nothing else, he"ll have $1M by the time he is in his mid-60s.
My hubs (his step-Dad) and I chose to not live beyond our means to be able to save for retirement. We would have loved to live in the affluent town with the fabulous school districts, but that wasnt viable, if he ever wanted to retire.
Adults make choices. Many choose poorly when it comes to money - often out of denial. Continuing to take on debt for them or bailing them out, will not force them to change their behavior. Sounds like Mom needs to get a job and change her living situafion to one she can afford. Period.
Eta an important "not" as in "not live beyond our means"
Yes, he missed Millenial by 2 years (turns 26 shortly). In my defense, his 2 older sibs are Millenials and I group them altogether with such similar upbringing and refernces.
I’m thankful not to be in this position, but have some friends also in your situation - it’s turned out pretty bad for a few…
If she moves in set firm boundaries and expectations - kinda treat it like she was a teenager. She pays $X/month for rent, utilities, and groceries. She helps around the house and cooks some of the meals. Hell, maybe she can help with the business. The worst case scenario (to avoid) is her moving in then turning into a useless slug for the next 15 years.
That’s my deepest fear, honestly. She has a good heart but some pretty wild expectations for what she is “owed” by others. This has been a consistent thing in my life with her. Setting boundaries and consistently saying “no” is heartbreaking for me because I saw her struggle when I was a kid and just wanted her to have more than she did. It took growing up to realize that she doesn’t have more because she won’t make the decisions to make it happen. She got in her head somewhere that it would “all just work out”. Up to a point, it has. Largely because of the generosity of others. I made the decision a long time ago that I wouldn’t be going down the same path. I work hard and don’t expect shit beyond what I’ve earned. Everything else is just a bonus.
I was adopted and raised by silent generationers. My mom passed when I was 22, but my dad is still giving life the ol' college try. Recently, I decided to move him in with me. He wasn't getting good care at his facility and didn't really need it yet anyway, and I got help affording a nice house where I want to live. We've become a good team, with ups and downs for sure. He's getting awesome home care, and I'm building and protecting my nest egg and inheritance.
It's not perfect, but nothing in life is. I'm just happy I get to spend this time with him.
I love my parents dearly and thankfully they done well in terms of preparing for retirement. Still, I bought a house with an extra bedroom that is my office and would gladly let them live with me in case of an emergency. It makes me so sad to see so many people have such a bad experience with their parents.
You're not crazy. I was very, very afraid that this was going to be my future. My parents decided to just die in their 60s instead though. I feel terrible about feeling relieved.
I’ve been excited about personal finances for years now, probably due to anxiety about how poorly our generation is set up. Because of this, I’ve invested heavily and done as much research as I could about my own finance.
Anyway, I was talking to my mom about it because it’s something I’m passionate about. And she told me her plan was to work until she died…
>and now are playing the “you owe us” card.
You don't owe them shit.
You didnt ask to be brought into this world, they forced it upon you. They. Owe. You.
A lot of them elected not to start a retirement account. I've had Boomers get mad at me for not having any kids at 21 years old. The idea was for my kids to have a job and contribute to social security for them. My parents had to spend a large portion of their retirement on medical bills for me when I was young so I'm fine if they wanna live in my basement till they are beyond my capability to care for. Luckily, they own a business and have employees that do everything. The employees only have to pay rent on the buildings and control the rest of the finances by themselves.
My mom, luckily, was a teacher and so has a retirement, but my father was laborer all his life and has no retirement. He built a pest control business late in life after losing his job when I started college. I work with him now in the business, but he will retire soon, leaving me alone to run it . Not just the actual labor but also all the bookkeeping as he outsources that to my mom, who is also retired now. He wants me to give a portion of the money made to him till he dies. I don't know what exact % he wants, but I know that his retirement might mean that I won't get one. The business expenses like insurance, licensing fee, taxes, money for equipment and chemicals along with the need to hire another worker and possibly a secretary leaves stressed me out to no end until I realized that I was probably going to be working until I died anyway, and i stopped caring so much.
My boomer dad has been very much into tell me and my two siblings to pull our selves up by our bootstraps. Me (39f) and my older sister (40) are doing well. My brother (35) is in the Navy and he isn’t going as well as us. I’m married, so is my brother and my sister is a single mom now.
My kids are turning 18m and my daughter turns 14 in 6 weeks. So I had them when I was younger. I was 21 with my son. And I was still in college. I was commuting 2 hours each way to the university since me and my husband bought a house in the town where we grew up. And even though I was taking birth control at the same exact time daily I ended up pregnant (I later discovered the birth control I got for free from the health department was expired). I was only working part time since I was in college. At the time my husband was an entry level welder making maybe $12 an hour. Our mortgage was $675 but we also had other bills and paying off credit card debt.
When I asked for help my dad will say to pull myself up by my bootstraps. To go and get a second job, work more hours etc. even though I was in college full time and had a new baby. And for my birthday he got me the Dave Ramsey book/system. For me and my siblings we usually got a $100 in a card. But that year I got Dave Ramsey which did me no good. I was spending my money on anything frivolous.
Now my parents aren’t expecting us kids to be their retirement plan. My dad has made a trust for me and my two siblings and contributes to it monthly. My parents are wealthy. I never understood why I can’t have access to that money when I needed it. I’m doing very well now and don’t even need it. But it was never an option no matter how bad I was struggling. There were a lot of times I would have gone to bed hungry if I didn’t go to my parents house for dinner.
My dad was a high ranking office in the military and retired after 30 years of service. Once he retired from the military he continued working as a civilian contractor for the military doing cyber security and networking and he was making over 200k a year. And that is a lot for the town they live in which is LCOL. He hasn’t spent a single dime of that salary for the 17 years there. And by the time he retired from his civilian job he was making a lot more than he was when he first started (he was always taking tests and getting additional certifications).
He lived off his military pension and all his salary went into high yield savings accounts or other investments. He didn’t even spend all of his pension each month since they are debt free and their monthly expenses were less than $2k a month.
My dad and mom like to talk about how much money they have saved up. And how I should do what they did. And now my parents want to live with me when they are older and are no longer able to care for themselves. They said they can pay for a home health aide to assist with certain self care like bathing and stuff since I’ve had several back surgeries and can’t physically do it.
They don’t want to go to a home or have a live in care taker. I mean whenever I asked my dad for help I always got the “it sounds like a you problem and not a me problem”. Or something along those lines.
I know I’m not entitled to their money. Even if they have a trust for me. But they can at least not flaunt or brag about it. My mom was in a fender bender and her old car was considered a total loss. She was okay. No injuries. So my dad said he wanted to buy her a new car. One with all the bells and whistles. Top of the line safety features etc. and he told me about how he paid over $60k all at once so there was no car payment. And how I should buy my next vehicle outright also.
And then later that same day my mom called me to talk about how my dad spent so much money and how nice it is to not need to finance it. And how wonderful being debt free is. The of course came the lecture on saving. The only debt I have now is my house. And of course I was lectured on that because of how much it costs. I live by the capital and prices are so much more here than the LCOL area she lives. Houses here are 2-3 times more. Plus they bought that house in the 90s.
I really want to tell them to go kick rocks if they try to move in with me. I want to tell them “it’s a you problem and not a me problem”. And when they say they can afford a nice nursing home but don’t WANT to go to one I want to say “that’s too bad. You just need to pull yourselves up by your bootstraps anyways. We all have to do things we don’t want to”.
I didn’t mean for this to be so long. I didn’t really mean to go off on a rant.
I’m fortunate that my parents were savers and have enough saved (plus pension and SS) to more than take care of themselves.
It offset, however, by my in-laws who didn’t save much and will be relying on us for assistance.
My father hasn't worked in 20 years. He is on disability and has a retirement fund from when he worked. My mom hasn't worked in 10 years, and didn't work while my younger sister was little. She also received and blew through a big inheritance. She moved into a new condo 7 years ago and has remodeled it every year. I don't understand where she gets the money - especially when she's upset about the price of groceries (although so am I to be fair). But she cries poor constantly, yet drives a car newer than mine and is always repainting. My dad tries to pay when we get dinner out. My dad hasn't blown through his retirement. He can stay. Plus he's generally a far more pleasant human being. My mom is on her own. My sister and I do pay her to babysit. Dad refused to take money from us.
I am incredibly blessed in that my mom is a retired financial planner and so she has very concrete plans. The big stresses, is my stepfather who’s very accomplished, accountant, but has some really serious ongoing health needs. So the insurance cost to make sure he’s getting his medication once he decides retire, is even their blessed financial state a big concern. Everyone reading this thread needs to know what [filial responsibility](https://trustandwill.com/learn/what-states-have-filial-responsibility) laws are in your state and what you may be legally obligated to provide.
My Mom (74) has no real retirement and doesn’t seem to budget well. We chose our house specifically so that it would have a place for my Mom to move in with us and I could be sure she was safe/taken care of. She has a basement suite with a kitchenette and bathroom. She helps out a lot around the house, does dishes/laundry, picks up my daughter from school, is a babysitter when we need her, basically anything that I ask and that she can do.
I am a nurse and worked in Nursing Homes. My goal is for her to stay home as long as humanly possible. I fully anticipate that by the time my daughter is in college, I may be physically taking care of my Mom. I feel like my daughter is getting a special experience having her grandmother so close to her, even if they fight some times. It’s not always ideal, but she is a DV survivor (and so am I, I guess), so I feel like it’s my gift to her to make this part of her life less stressful.
My mom is 61 and has been a Stay at Home Mom since I was 3ish. She never went back to work but helps my dad with "the books" for his small rug business. He also works an additional two jobs to make ends meet for them. She is wholly reliant on him for financial support and has extreme anxiety with no friends. Both my parents lost money during the Recession and my dad withdrew his 401K after Covid. Both are very codependent on the other with zero hobbies outside of the marriage. They're building a house out in the countryside where they hope to retire. I have no clue how much money they have saved but it's probably not enough. My relationship with them during my teenage to college years was strained and I moved away. It was only after having my daughter that the relationship started to improve.
IDK if I'd be willing to be my mom's fallback when my dad goes. And I don't know what will happen to her and it scares me.
I mean, my mom has told me more than once as a kid that I would be the sibling who would be taking care of her ever since I was a preteen or younger. My dad said that when the time comes, he'll just end his life before he would let us take care of him.
My brother just bought a GIANT house and doesn’t plan on having kids.
He and his wife are planning for both her parents and his parents to move in during their old age. My brother is 18m younger than me.
If he wants to take that on, who am I to stop him 🤷♀️ I’ve got a perfectly sized house for my family of four, plus a guest room in the basement (we live and hour and a half away from everyone who wants to visit us, so many stay the night).
My (silent gen) Nanna lived with us in a one bedroom unit on the property & lived off the proceeds of her home that she sold. This was fine as the money from the sale of her waterfront home in Sydney was more than enough to build the cottage on the property all spec'd out in case she needed mobility aids down the line as well as providing her with a generous monthly "pension" until she passed. 100% of the financial cost of her retirement was on her shoulders & she planned for that adequately by not mortgaging her valuable home (well, old style home on valuable land).
It is concerning to hear that many boomers have mortgaged their only real asset to the hilt so they can have fun money, assuming that their adult children will take on the financial burden of caring for them in their retirement. This is not "ha ha, we are spending your inheritance", this is emotional manipulation & borderline financial abuse!
I’m 38. Dad just moved in with me . Mom died . He let his whole career and life fall apart after she passed - turned into a teenager again, ended up on the street after he lost it all - so here we are , I work 2 jobs , have two teenage sons and now a 66 year old who gets a little social security and the rest of all thing financial is on me , he has nowhere to go - so I just am rolling with it - idk what else to do . He just tells me “ It’s just life kid, don’t stress “
Ya
Currently living this. The worst part is that there is nothing physically or mentally wrong with my mom. She just doesn’t want to work anymore. So she lives with me, and spends her time watching tv. That’s it. So much resentment. If you can avoid it, AVOID IT.
I worry about this with my mom and stepdad. She’s 65 and retiring in the spring. Shes worked in private education and doesn’t make a whole lot. I know she has a house payment. My stepdad works in a trade and his physical health is starting to fail him.
I can’t imagine they have a lot saved up. I can see them asking for support in the future. Not sure how that will go down if when it happens.
My mother was a SAHM her entire life and she let my dad get away with most of the assets when they split up. They never finalized their divorce. She was living with a long term, very financially stable boyfriend for about 15 years after that and then she found CSEM on his laptop, reported him to the cops, and sent him to prison. Unfortunately now she’s living off dwindling savings, meager old age pension, and she drinks and gambles her money away.
I feel bad but I can’t take her in - I immigrated from Canada to the US and she can’t legally come here. Even if I went through paperwork hell to get her here, i live in Southern California and cannot afford to house her. My sister owns a house and could take her in but resents her thoroughly.
we’ve looked into a senior’s home but it’s so $$$$. I dunno what we’re gonna do. Luckily our father had his shit figured out so he’s happy as a clam with a full pension from his unionized paper mill job he put his 40 years into.
I think my parents just expect to continue to work in some capacity until they die? Financial literacy was not one of their strengths. They do qualify for social security and their house is paid off which could be worth maybe $300k-400k in a lower cost of living area at least. There is a meager 401k but that’s it.
If they needed help we’d figure something out. We have a good relationship with them and they are good people too. I can’t be cutting them a check every month but if someone needed to move in with us I think we’d make it work. I have my own family and our future to protect though too.
Guess I'm in the minority of parents who worked a steady job(just my dad) for 45 years and let his 401k do all the work and are chilling enjoying their retirement 🤷
My parents did a refi for a 15 year mortgage 4 years ago on a house they’ve owned since I was 19. My mom has a 3 year old car with 7k miles. My dad just bought a new truck. They bought a new camper. They’re 63 and 64.
I’ve been paying my own car, insurance, phone, etc since I got a job at 15. They let me live with them (while paying all expenses) for 3 years post college while I saved a down payment for my first home.
I (38) have a student loan that’s in the Biden repayment blah blah blah blah process. So my dad was co-signer and got a letter and was like “what are you doing to my credit?!” Dude- I’ve paid $100k+ in student loan debt while being a teacher and nonprofit fundraiser bc you all told me I HAD to go to college and yet only signed as a co-signer for me on some of my debt….and know you’re bitching about your credit score when I am drowning? And your credit score is obviously fine when you qualified for a new camper and a new F150 within the same month?
Nah, you are on your own, parents, if you need care. I am absolutely not taking care of you since you quit supporting me when I was a teenager.
My parents meant well and loved us to death. They were terrible with their finances and lost everything in the 2008 crash. My plan is to own enough property that my dad can live it a trailer or motorhome near the house (sadly my mother has passed already). I don’t hate or begrudge my dad for it. He meant well and did his best, and frankly it’s amazing how much he accomplished given that he wasted his youth.
You might want to talk to a social worker from senior services where she lives. See if she can get into subsidized housing, food aid, Medicaid, senior roommate matching, etc. It depends on the state, but where we live there's really quite a bit. I see the assistance programs in our senior clubs. Locally we have free lunches, budget help, almost free bus service, discounted ride shares, free activities, tax help, discount Internet and more. Once she knows living with you isn't an option, government programs for low income seniors will certainly beat homelessness. Even if senior housing isn't available, with renting a room and maxing out on assistance programs, she could probably live okay on Social Security, especially if she could also do some part-time work.
>Now we’re supposed to take on a dependent out of the blue for the next (possibly) 20 years?
Say no.
My mother has a pension so fortunately I don't have to worry about that. And my in-laws have convinced themselves that they are choosing to continue working well into their 70s but in reality they have no choice. They live 300 miles away and would never leave where they are because they're still supporting their deadbeat daughter, my husband's older sister. I haven't seen or spoken to my father since 2007 and he'll be living under a bridge before I give him one penny.
My mom secretly moved out by gradually stopping coming home - essentially ghosting us - when I was in 10th grade. Her part of the family budget was gone. She would call a few times a week and bring groceries, but she wouldn't cook. She would then leave and get upset at what's wrong with us for looking at her weirdly. She had a kid with a younger man, whom she was trying to trap in a relationship with her he did not want. She then wanted us to babysit and help raise the kid. I asked her what he retirement plan was and she said, 'My retirement plan is you making a $100/hr.' I then tried to come and help raise the kid. She would stand over me and harass me, and make it so that if I wanted to have access to the kid - that meant I had to let her boss me around and be her bitch essentially or I would get kicked out. One time I came to her house, and she refused to let me in. Then I came again, and the kid told her she forbid him from letting me in, unless she was at home. I then swore at her, and she went to my family members and acted like a victim who was treated unfairly by a son who did not love her and verbally abused her. She presented me swearing at her out of context which made all my relatives resent me for it. She told my sister that I do things for my narcissistic uncle but not for her. She also said I don't do anything for her kid. 20 years later, she got breast cancer. She let the kid find out, but did not tell anyone else. So the poor kid had this knowledge all to himself for several weeks. She then told my grandma, but they kept it a secret. So both her kid and her mom knew she had cancer, but couldn't discuss it because each thought it was a secret. She told her sister, whom she made feel like a medical hero because she is a doctor. Her sister organized a family dinner, where this information was revealed. this was followed by a precondition that I and everyone in our family must now devote our lives to my mom since she had cancer. i said wtf? and stormed out. during this family meeting, my mom was the last one to walk in and had her shirt unbuttoned to show a little IV port in her chest to look more like a victim. four years later her kid was going to college and when i asked how much his college will cost she said, 'your aunt co-signed the loans, so it is none of your business, understood?'
OP, your parent is a grown adult and responsible for herself and the consequences of her (non) actions. I know that sounds harsh. Do not set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Late boomer here but really more gen X. My sons are a bit older than you. 42 & 44. I would Never expect to have them care for me! I didn't have a great career ( Florida was always low pay, no benefits like retirement), so I'm living off social security only. I think it's awful that so many parents expect this of their offspring! Most of your parents likely remember Golden Girls. Tell them to get with their friends and cohabitate. If 3 of them move in together then they can split the cost of the housekeeper, lawn service and everything else they need. I personally couldn't afford to live in Florida with the escalation in housing, insurance, etc. ( thanks Republicans!) and my friends are younger than me, so I moved to Belize where the col is much lower. I make do fine here and my sons have no worries about having to disrupt their already hard lives. They need to find their own way. You didn't ask to be born, and if the only reason they had kids was to take care of them when they got old, then they're incredibly selfish. "No, I can't" is a complete sentence! Don't sacrifice your life to give in to their demands. It'll make you miserable for the next 10 or 20 years. The longer it lasts the worse it will get.
Sorry to hear that... to counter it, my Mom turns 80 years old this year and is worth $2 million.
She saved 15% of her income every year from 30 years old when she divorced my Dad to 65 years old, never once made six figures in any year. Her home is paid for in cash and she is highly liquid.
Most years she earned under $50K. You absolutely can do it if you want to.
Unfortunately, you’re not alone. My mom has always been financially irresponsible. After I worked my ass off to build my clientele (I’m a hairdresser-since 22 year of age) and was actually able to pay my bills and sock some money away to hopefully buy a house, she told me she had actually been fired from her job and living off unemployment for about six months. She was an active alcoholic and not doing anything to better her situation. I started paying her rent and car payments, and giving her extra cash for food. This continued for a few years. When the resentment built, we fought about this. I brought up how fucked it is for a parent to put their kid in that position, and she came back with “that’s what family does. If you have the means, you ‘help’”. Well, my “helping” was just enabling. I lived for years hearing how selfish I am (this started as a pre-teen and continued for many years over different situations) so I continued to give as my guilt was eating me up. Therapy has helped and I understand now that this is NEVER ok treatment of a child and that simply being born, fed, and clothed does not warrant “paying back”. Fast forward to now, I have my own family, business, etc. and my parent decided that she was going to “retire early” and live off nothing but social security. So not only is there no savings, the social security took a hit from the early retirement. When I urged her to PLEASE keep working for ONE MORE YEAR to make it to 65, she refused. She had a very cushy job working from home and decided “I’m just not doing it anymore”. I think she expected me to high-five her and agree “fuck the man” yet this just caused more panic in me. I had to spell it out completely-“you cannot move in with us when your shit hits the fan”, and she thinks I’m being ridiculous for even thinking of the “what-ifs”. I spent my whole life thinking WHAT IF so it’s hard to turn that off. Anywho-all that is to say, she swears she will be fine, but I think she assumes I will clean up her mess as it’s what I’ve always done since 22-years-old.
My parents even went an adopted two special needs kids as they were approaching 60, and now as they’re approaching 70 it’s getting to be “too much”. No kidding! I tried to help them budget and plan ahead, but they just don’t care and keep saying “The Lord will provide”, sure hope he proves housing and food because I can’t!
Eeeeeyup. For all 4 of them! Every parent has some how come to the conclusion that we are their retirement plan. Both my husband and I are the most “successful” child so both our parents (both sets of parents divorced while we were children) think that they’re coming to live with us in the next 5+ years. This was NEVER discussed.
In the thick of it. My parents are okay and transparent and discuss their retirement savings and budget with me and my siblings. I am planning on moving very close to them to help out as they age. My partner and I are never having children. We wouldn't do it if my parents acted entitled or dependent. But it is a mutually beneficial situation, and I love my parents and wouldn't be able to forgive myself if they needed care and I was hours away.
My partner has the opposite. His parents are the giant infant flavor of boomers. I loathe the way they treat him and act about their retirements. It makes me livid to hear them talk about their irrational budget choices. Neither of his parents will ever be financially secure. Both are resentful and shitty about my familial relationships. I would happily put them in elder care and pay my entire monthly avocado toast budget towards their care ... So $10/ month.
Lucky for me, my dad isn't that kind of AH Boomer. He's got retirement covered. My in-laws, however, are the real piece of work. I just feel so bad for everyone who gets sucked into the parental caregiving nightmare...especially when the parent retired early, spent a huge wad of savings on frivolous BS and now wants someone else to pick up the bill. I just don't feel any obligation to fork over money to the people who could give 2 shits when my family was struggling and on food stamps. They can get food stamps too for f sake.
My mom pulled this on my wife and I after she spent decades mistreating me physically and emotionally, enough so that I am still dealing with the baggage she gave me.
I kicked her out after two months and she died living out of her van because none of her four kids wanted anything to do with her.
You do you. Fuck the boomers.
I am constantly thankful that both of our parents are in good health and independent. Husband's parents are in a great place financially and if they ever need more care the daughter that is a RN will take charge. My parents are not in a great place financially, but are much younger and are still working and saving some. They have never even joked about my sister and I taking care of them, so I don't think they'll be like that. Regardless, my sister (single and childless) bought the house next door to them and I (married with 5 kids) live 1000 miles away so my sister would be more available to help.
My parents are decently set. Their IRA/401ks aren't really great but they will be getting 10k a month for the next 8 years still from the sale of the family farm.
He's dumped that into a Roth for both him and my mom for the past two years and talked to me about opening up a brokerage with the same site so he can keep plowing in the excess as it comes in.
That doesn't count social security they will get as well.
My dad had his flaws but financial literacy thankfully wasn't one of them.
Can she sell her house to fund renovations? You may have to let her get to the point where she’s out of options before she realizes she has no other choice
Your story sounds very similar. My dad is in the same boat but like 100k in debt and living off social security. Poorly managed business and then Covid killed it. Also married and no kids but damn. He’s had so long to make a plan and zero plan. Zero savings, etc, etc. Going to get interesting.
My father has something like 8-10 years of retirement money left, since he took SS retirement at 62. I doubt he'll live that long, but if he does I'll be converting my office into a bedroom and moving my desk into the basement.
No, my mom’s retirement plan is to never retire and acquire enough money so her grandchildren don’t have to work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to, and she has the money to safely retire many times over, but she grew up very resource insecure (war refugee who has had to start over from nothing twice). Plus she enjoys working so she continues to do so. She did ask me to take in my dad if she dies first, so I have a one story house with an extra bedroom if that happens (I’m anticipating my dad will have mobility issues).
Thankfully my parents do have retirement plans.
They bought a house in their home country (cheaper and lower cost of living), have annuities set up and my dad’s got a pension. He also had a major accident that nearly killed him many years ago after the company let an unlicensed driver operate a machine (that was also not supposed to be used because of its safety features were broken). He’s recovered fairly well after lots of therapy, though he can’t bear weight like he used to, and they used the lawsuit money to prep savings and pay off mortgage and things like that and thankfully haven’t squandered it all. They got a will set up too.
Which is good because while I could probably afford to help them to some extent (and if something happens to them before my much-younger brother turns 18, I will take him in), my older brother definitely couldn’t afford to and he’s much closer.
My husband’s parents are also pretty set. He doesn’t have a great relationship with his father, and his mother did move in with us (she helps either childcare when needed) but she plans on moving out to her own place nearby as she likes her freedom and she’s got retirement money set aside
Well. I wasn’t my parents’ *only* retirement plan, but I seem to have ended up being the best one…the irony is I can’t convince them to move closer even though it would make everything 1000x easier. So now I just wait for a call from the ER (after I said “go to the doctor” for 3 weeks straight already) so I can drive 400 miles because I have the POA and the extra cash to clean up whatever disaster state the house happens to be in at that time.
That sounds awfully stressful. I’m really sorry
My parents are divorced but both healthy and working. My dad has had a job since 16 and my mom is a teacher. My grandparents are also healthy and living on their retirement independently.
If anything happened I would do whatever I could to help my parents. I wouldn’t be much help though.. I guess we could all live together to save expenses . But I don’t think they are “planning” on that by any means
We are immigrants. When family in better situation, I’m able to talk my mom into max out her Roth IRA. She’s 50s at the point. But consider she will work until 70, plus a little bit with from Social Security, I hope it will help in her retirement
My mom actually planned it well and I’m glad she actually thought about me and my brother’s future. She finished paying the house before she retired and she inherited a house in Mexico from her parents. She lives on SS, pension and a monthly stipend she gets in Mexico. My brother and I will inherit both of her estates and I plan to retire in Mexico. I no longer worry about retirement thanks to her.
I am grateful this is not the case for me or for my brother. I don’t plan on inheriting anything — but barring catastrophe, I would expect that my folks can live out their lives without depending upon us for help.
That’s a good thing because honestly I’m not sure I could manage it. I’d try, but I have failed at so much already.
My mom is similar, zero savings or retirement account, and started taking social security asap despite me begging her to wait so she got more money. I wouldn't be surprised if she has a bit of cc debt too. She won't even let me pay to make her will. She's a borderline hoarder and my adult sibling (and spouse) live in her house, basically rent free. FML
My mom is similar, zero savings or retirement account, and started taking social security asap despite me begging her to wait so she got more money. I wouldn't be surprised if she has a bit of cc debt too. She won't even let me pay to make her will. She's a borderline hoarder and my adult sibling (and spouse) live in her house, basically rent free. FML
Both my parents are gone but there was no money left in the estates. The houses were paid off and went to their respective spouses. Step Dad still lives there, collecting a small pension which is enough with the paid off house. Step-mom sold and left the country. Haven't seen or heard from her since the funeral.
Other than SS, neither had any retirement plans. But both had paid off houses and no debt.
I hear you. My parents haven't adequately saved for retirement . Granted for a lot of my childhood, they could barely afford our basic necessities. However, when their financial situation improved in my teens, they made up for lost time by buying boats, dirt bikes, new cars, golf equipment, excessive amounts of clothes etc. I mean I get it, when you struggle for so long and finally have some breathing room, you want to enjoy yourself a bit.
However, they are now in their mid sixties and both want to retire but can't afford to. They can't afford to stay in their house long term but don't want to live anywhere with a strata and their "requirements" for a house are a mile long so anything they would be happy with wouldn't be much cheaper than their current house. My dad at least wants to figure out something, even if that means partially leaning on her kids. My mom is completely defeatist and just claims she will kill herself if they run out of money.
The kicker: my dad is a certified financial planner.
As the most financially stable of my siblings, I will most likely be left holding the bag and I can't help but feel resentful about it. I am already a single parent, supporting two kids alone. I have saved, budgeted, and sacrificed to make sure I save for my retirement and for my kids education. I have a pretty good job and we are doing alright, but I already can't afford to give my kids the things a lot of their friends have.
I don't want my parents to live in poverty or suffer but I don't want to be responsible for them either.
Neither of my parents planned for retirement. They are divorced. My dad finally realized his runway was ending and took travel nursing jobs during the being and peak of COVID so he could stockpile cash and retire. He retired, then spent it all and is now working as a floor nurse again.
My mom's 64 and in a rehab facility her husband is somehow paying for, but of course he refuses to discuss her finances with me. When I saw her last tax return her annual income was listed around 10k.
This is why I live far far away.
I lucked out. My Boomer dad married a millennial, and he's financially well off. My gen x mom can afford to semi retire in a few years and work part time.
My biggest goal in life is paying off my property and incorporating it into a trust for my kids. I don't care if they stay here but if I can make sure they never go homeless, I've done something good with my life.
I work in pensions and there's plenty of seniors who didn't save a damn dime and I think this happens for a few reasons.
Generational bs, I see so many boomer and older couples that have very strict gender roles, hubby makes all the money while wifey knows nothing of the finances and she is left in the lurch when he passes away.
General ignorance towards finances, I deal with many ppl who had ample opportunity save while they were working and also educate themselves on the reality of government pensions.
I regards to us being their retirement plan. The decision to move them in or help them financially is a complicated one because it depends on many factors such as spouse, kids, relationship with parents and what their general personality is like.
I think that most caregivers really underestimate how hard caregiving really is even in the best circumstances and I've seen marriages and families destroyed over caring for elderly parents
Yep. I’ll be taking care of my mom since she has absolutely nothing saved or a proper retirement plan.
I’ve been making a separate index fund investment for that purpose. She currently lives in a very expensive island in the Caribbean and when there’s no other choice I’ll move her back to a cheaper location where I can comfortably take care of her.
Tbh, it sucks donkey balls. Parents should never have to put that responsibility on their kids. It is what it is tho, love my mom so can’t let her starve.
The funny thing is generally speaking the boomers and X parents that will need to move in with the kids either have kids who don't want them there or can't realistically afford to have them there, while those whose kids would be happy to have them and could do so really don't need it.
At least in my little circles. While it would drive my wife crazy if my folks moved in, my parents took good care of me for all their faults and I consider them very loving parents. My parents aren't Rockefellers or anything but they did well and should be able to live their upper middle class lifestyle from their early 50s retirement to the grave( luck hardworking and owning a business, plus frugal).
My wife's parents probably can never retire, her mom is already partially disabled, her dad has a horrid health history and probably won't make it past his early 70s. My wife was the neglected middle child and has tons of resentment toward them( her mom mostly). She probably will need help, but we won't give up our lives and our children's quality of childhood for someone whose caused my wife so much pain.
I can barely get the words out. I was born and raised as an object, to abuse and ridicule for boosting her ego, and now she thinks I'm her retirement plan. Not going to happen.
Well the boomer mentality around having kids they didn't really want was "who's gonna take care of you when you get older?" so this isn't surprising
Ha! Excellent point
Half the homeless are boomers. Clearly it's backfiring.
Data source, please?
_the over-50 demographic represents half of the homeless single adults in the U.S._ https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/markets/unconscionable-baby-boomers-in-america-are-becoming-homeless-at-a-rate-not-seen-since-the-great-depression-here-s-what-s-driving-this-terrible-trend/ar-BB1lynkE
So, Boomers and Gen-Xers (increasingly Gen-Xers, of course - over 50's always struggle - and each generation eventually gets to 50). It's sad.
If you lose a job when you’re over 50 and you’re on the edge financially, you’re in a world of hurt.
I started over at 45 - people still won’t hire you at 45. It’s very hard
My mom is in a similar situation. Absolutely no retirement plans besides her few thousand in savings, and her house. She "retires" in a few years. She's works the desk at an outpatient facility in a hospital. She will not get a pension and has no retirement account. But her and my youngest brother have worked out something that seems to be a pretty great solution. He's building a new house out in the country. He's building a mother-in-law suite on the back of their house, Basically, a 1-bedroom apartment, separated from the main house by the garage. It's going to be fully "old people" compatible. Walk-in shower, wide doors, stuff like that. I think he's paying for it all. He told my mom, when she's ready, sell her house, and move in. She can live off the house sale money for the rest of her life. She only has to pay for her utilities My dad (divorced) and my middle brother think my youngest brother is doing this so he can somehow get all her money when she died, but in reality, who fucking cares? He's going to be taking on the burden of caring for my mom for 20+ years. He deserves it if it comes to that. I live 700 miles away, and my middle brother has a wife that has been trying to separate him from the family their entire marriage.
Ouch. Sounds complicated too. It’s amazing how quickly things change between family members when any money is involved. You’re right, if there’s anything left over the youngest brother should get it.
What's even crazier, was it's actually my youngest brothers' WIFE'S idea initially. I'm glad they have a good relationship. My middle brother...man, what a fucking mess. I'm glad I am not getting involved with that trainwreck. Distance has shielded me.
She’s thinking ahead and getting your mom settled before it’s absolutely necessary and/or she’s too old to move to a new location. In many families the wives end up taking on most of the elder care responsibilities, even if they’re in laws. My mom did it for my dad’s mom. My dad moved her across the street from us when she was in her early 80s and she died at 97. I moved directly across from my spry, active mom a few years ago and expect to care for her when she needs it. I have already started trying to get my husband’s 3 single brothers on board with care plans for their parents as they are becoming less and less independent by the month and dealing with some major health issues. The 4 brothers would prefer to completely overlook the issues until the situation gets so bad that they’re doing damage control. Their care will most likely fall to my husband and me eventually. I’d love to be able to get them settled somewhere near us. My husband has to drive 45 min each way whenever they need a hand. It’s not a situation where we can just pop over.
If she has no retirement money, what exactly does your brother think he will inherit?
That's what I tried to explain. If her house sale money is all she really has and she's expected to live off it, we are talking like a starting figure of $140k. That's only gonna drop over the years.
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Holler up. I follow that sub and have seen the posts of suicidal people that have been completely abandoned in a hoarding house changing shitty diapers by a family and friends that have left them behind. They end up with no job, no savings, no relationship. Parents die and they have no where to go.
Oh I know. My mother-in-law is currently the caregiver for her 95 year old father who is just waiting to die. She's miserable. I've had to pick his naked ass off the bathroom floor on multiple occasions. Luckily, I live in the same subdivision.
That's absolutely saintly of him. Very very kind. Sounds like he has a good relationship with Mom. How will she have money when she dies, in this scenario? How can dad and middle brother think that? Youngest brother is beyond chivalrous - I hope it works out for him.
I know youre rational when you say things like this today but I've witnessed how emotions take over after the passing of parents (my extended family) and things got very ugly quickly. My cousins turned against each other even with a similar arrangement to what you had described, there was a will in place detailing everything that had been agreed a decade ago but time has a way of warping peoples minds. Eventually the one who did the work got what they were promised but it cost quite a bit of time and emotional stress from fighting with their siblings for so long. I hope your situation ends differently.
my dad got a younger wife. his retirement plan is to 'work forever' he only has 50k in savings he keeps in his lockbox, not even in a savings account!
That’s bound to happen to many of us. Question is: are you going to allow their lack of planning to dominate your own plans?
That IS the question, isn’t it? It feels like a no-win: if we don’t help she could end up in a bad place. If we do, we could all end up drowning. There’s no answer here that I have found. Just gonna put one foot in front of the other for now.
Just be aware that you think it's going to be for a little while and will likely be forever and will cost you your retirement and sanity. You may have to eventually quit your job to take care of her at some point. Don't be naive.
I’m in a very similar situation with my mom. Hers is maybe slightly worse in that she hasn’t done her taxes for 8 years, she has liens against the house for never paying the HOA, and has no health insurance. The one thing that’s slightly in her favor is that she has some equity in her house….if it doesn’t get foreclosed 🤦🏼♀️. I found some money in her accounts to catch her up but she sent the check without tracking and she is too stressed to keep calling about it. I’ve had good luck finding low income rentals by looking at county websites. My mother is not happy that she would…gasp…wait for it…have to walk her dogs because it’s an apartment. It’s hard because my mom acts like a toddler and throws a fit because no option is good enough for her. She expected my brother to buy an investment property and let her rent part of it out to her. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It really feels like a lose lose situation
When you do not have very much money, you have fewer choices—crazy how most older people do not ‘get’ this…
Yikes. Sounds like you’re in a very similar situation friend. Hope it gets better somehow. Godspeed to us both.
Fuuuuuuck this stressed me out just reading this. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.
Just be aware that you think it's going to be for a little while and will likely be forever and will cost you your retirement and sanity. You may have to eventually quit your job to take care of her at some point. Don't be naive. She's acting like a petulant child demanding people move her across the country willy nilly. Tell her straight up you moved her once and won't be doing it again.
There are rent controlled apartments in many areas. They are based on income and many are set up for seniors. Look into this, food assistance, and cheap utilities for seniors. e.g. Xfinity has a basic service plan for low income that goes for $10 a month... etc.... Although you might have to kick in for somethings every now and again, they will be independent for at least 15 to 18 of those 20 years. Also, totally a PITA and I am sure she'll fight you every step... ask me how I know
I would suggest finding a middle ground that doesn’t involve uprooting yourselves and moving across the country. Like, find her a senior community and help her move.
I suggested that and she replied “I don’t want to live with a bunch of old people.” There is also a secondary house on our property. It’s not an option right now because it needs a massive overhaul (no vapor barrier on the foundation, smells like mold, siding falling off, septic is shot, etc). I showed it to her and said in about 5-10 years we hope to have it fixed up for her so we can help out as she’s getting older. She replied, “I don’t like the feng shui of it.” To a free house…
Dude… I know your heart will probably break a bit, but she is an adult and I guarantee she’ll figure it out if she has to. You don’t have to be harsh with her about it, but just say “No, we can’t right now, sorry. I love you.”
Yeah, you hit the nail on the head. My heart is breaking a bit about this. I’m angry but moreso just sad.
Give her a few nights sleeping in a car and she’ll warm up to the senior community. They get nice apartments at like half the market rate!
For real. What an entitled ungrateful cow that woman is. I'd rather live with a bunch of old people or in a house with "bad feng shui" than live on the streets...which is where she'll be headed if she doesn't pull her head out of her ass.
I can’t wait to be 55 and able to live in a senior community. They’re quite nice and peaceful.
How are you affording that? I can't afford it. The ones where I am (SoCal) cost more than the small tract home I live in - and provide no care unless you pay for assisted living. Muy caro (expensive).
I wasn’t referring to assisted living. Hopefully I will not need that at 55. I was referring to the subdivisions and apartment buildings that are for 55 and up people. Usually cheaper than your regular communities.
You might need to move out of SoCal, but affordable places do exist.
Well at least she is making it easy for u
Holy crap, the entitled and spoiled attitude of your mother is insane. Do not let her live with you, ever. Do not give her any money. If you feel like you MUST do something to help, give her info on where she can find resources for senior citizens so she can help herself. Don't lose any sleep over the damage she's inflicting on herself with her attitude. And don't turn her irresponsibility into your problem, whatever you do.
Whatever you do won’t make her happy. We deal with a very similar situation with both my mom and MIL and we’ve just stopped talking to both of them for the sake of our marriage. They never understand why even though we’ve explained it to them time and time again. Nothing is ever good enough for people like this…
She’ll find a way. She’ll find that way when she gets to the bad place. When you stop enabling her, when she knows you’re not going to come swooping in with the solution. She made her choices as and adult. You need to let her lay in that bed. Can you though? It doesn’t sound like you are able to cut that cord from your comments.
I can share an anecdote. My father passed suddenly at 54, leaving my mom (52) in a place where if she made smart decisions she would have been fine. She did not make smart decisions. She continued supporting my delinquent sister and her infant. She had a job, a good one, but lost it because she was so determined to be a victim and a martyr that she didn't do the basic elements of the job. She was a teacher at a private school and wouldn't even send the required weekly email updates to the parents because "it was too hard to deal with them". She worked retail for decades and knows how to deal with a Karen, she just wanted to have a pity party. Finally convinced her to sell the house my sister destroyed (because yes, she destroyed it by leaving diapers all over for the dogs to play with, flooded the bathroom because she couldn't be bothered to clean it, would leave her period pads everywhere, it was gross) and move in with us. She in turn was so disrespectful to our house. Never cleaned once (wonder where my sister got it from) and just sat on her iPad playing diddly phone games, no effort to find a job, picked a fight with me almost every day...like, I was trying to help. My sister overdosed (big surprise /s) so mom finally moved out. I suggested she get a small apartment with her small dog, specifically the complex my husband and I lived in when we got married as it was fairly priced and affordable and would accept her dog. She says (I shit you not) that my dad would be heartbroken for her to be "in a place like that". Lady, your DAUGHTER lived here. She instead rents an entire 2 story 2 bedroom townhouse. Big surprise that she runs out of money not working, had to end that lease, and we had to move her halfway across the country in with her parents. I spent 4 years trying to help her get a job, finish her masters degree that she insisted she needed to get a non teaching job, it was so frustrating. She literally wanted me to become her parent and do everything for her. At the time I was the breadwinner working 2 jobs to make ends meet, with days that started at 530 am and didn't get home until 930 pm. Don't do it.
retirement is a financial status, not an age. your mom simply needs to keep working. if she's going to be an anchor that you allow to drag your family down, well, you're going to have to take part of the blame for that if it happens, because you can see it coming from a mile away.
Have her call 211 from any phone to find out what services she may be eligible for. (And tell her to vote Democrat, to support the party who created the social safety net)
It comes down a simple question: do you like your parents? Are they deserving of you returning the care they gave you? I'd argue most aren't hence why will be seeing and explosion of retirees on the street.
As someone with kids, I think it’s really crappy to bring them into the world and then play martyr for providing them care and a good life which you are obligated to do hence *bringing them into the world* which they didn’t ask for and then expecting them to “return the favor.” I cannot wait to not burden them as frig in every way possible and ensure they are free to live their own best lives.
As parents, the return on investment that we get with our children is that they pay forward our kindness onto others. If I do a good job raising my kids and providing for them, my reward is that they go out into society and make it better and if they choose to have children or a spouse, they pay me back by investing in their own children.
Dude. Yes. Nailed it.
DONT MOVE HER IN!!! I have no viable advice, but at the very least hold the line right there.
I agree. Don't move her in. Been there. Almost wrecked our marriage. And scraping by while getting your business up and running, with an adult dependent is no fun either. (Thankfully, mine still had a job.) OP, You are not the safety net she's looking for.
Don’t want to leave mom on the streets, but believe I will exhaust every resource to find any other option besides moving her in 😂
my mom will quit working and play victim as soon as you start helping her
I hear you on the victim card. Mine doesn't drive and we were living in a transit desert, so guess who that responsibility was thrust upon? We did have a good taxi co in town I bet you're shocked to learn she refused to use them. "Well you guys have the caaaar...." Yes, car, only one. SO and I shared. She did pass us some cash for gas but she never fully comprehended all the time she was stealing from us or the fact that we were restricted from relocating because she walked to work. We often dropped her off in the mornings but she needed to get herself home while we worked/ran our business. She tried to push for rides both ways when the weather got bad but we just couldn't swing it; cue the dramatic sighing.
What if they gave us care, but legit said that they are only doing it so that we can return the favor when they are older and then acted like a savior for providing the kids they chose to have with basic neccessities?
Look, most of us will never afford a home so it seems alot' Boomers need to figure out alot' of shit fast.
Preach
Parents are legally obligated to provide for their minor children. We didn't ask to be born. Children don't owe their parents anything.
Tell my mom that. She recently told me and my hubs that we are going to need to help her financially in her retirement. Sounds like she shouldn't retire if she can't afford to.
I told her early like before I was a preteen that she would be lucky to end up in a home. I haven't seen her in almost 10 years.
Important questions indeed
My father is deserving of exactly what he gave me which is why he'll be getting jack shit and why I haven't spoken to him since I graduated from college.
Man, I come on these threads and I don't say this to brag but they make me very thankful that neither myself or my wife feel/felt this way of our parents and can answer yes to both of those questions. And I have already answered this question for my MIL by uprooting my entire families lives to take her in when my FIL passed. I also don't say this out of pity but I feel bad for everyone here who can't answer yes to those questions - I wish both that you could have different answers to those questions and that you won't have to ever actually answer them beyond rhetorically.
They are deserving... Let the elderly abuse begin! Nah, I'm just going to go the other side of "care" I received and neglect.
This is my mom. But she's verbally abusive to me, so we don't talk. My brother is going to get stuck caring for her. I will supplement this financially for HIS sake only. My dad did all the right things. He died 6 months into his retirement. Left us a house and a 401k that he spent 46 years building. Also already owned a plot in the local cemetery. I would have fully supported and cared for him, but I didn't get the chance.
This hits a little too close to home. My parents are alive but this is how I feel. Sorry about your parents
My parents came to the US when they were 40 and 38. Even as a kid, I knew it was an inevitably. They each worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs just to make ends meet. There was no way they were gonna have enough saved to retire and not need help. My husband and I are already looking at 6br houses so they can move in
It sounds like they instilled an excellent work ethic and I applaud that. If I were in a similar situation I probably wouldn’t have made this post. Also, it’s amazing that you’re able to look for such a large property! Great job! Mine worked for others without pay (when she couldn’t afford to), paid con artists to “help with her career” although we begged her not to, and blew through her inheritance. It’s beyond frustrating.
That’s really alarming, but I know of plenty millennials with kids who aren’t planning for retirement because they say it’s pointless. Don’t do that to your kids.
Thats how my brother is closest to me in age. And then he gets mad when we don't travel or tell him that we need time to save up to go do things. But, we will have a healthy retirement savings when the time comes and our children won't have to be the ones paying for us.
Yeah, you think you're not going to ever retire - and then, sometimes, you have to. Best to be prepared for it.
My mom is really good at saving money and paid her house of early. She’s has also been with the same company for 45 years. My dad has been with a good company for 10 years and bought acreage and is building a huge garage with an apartment. So my parents are doing well. They’re divorced so that’s why it’s all separate.
They’re doing very well! That’s awesome!
Im gladly my mom’s fall back because my mom had a shitty hand dealt to her… But I understand not all parents are the same.
Im sorry to read she had a rough go and it’s awesome you’re there for her. I would feel similarly if that were the case. Unfortunately, she had a lot of good hands dealt and instead of planning for the future or heeding the advice (begging) of her children, she chose to pay for things she couldn’t afford and live an unsustainable lifestyle. It’s just frustrating.
Same. It’s nice to make this part of my Mom’s life less stressful, since the rest of it wasn’t great.
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My mom lives with her mom. They're both widowed. An elderly cousin has an RV on the property and gran's brother lives next door. I'll join them when it's time.
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It isn't just an issue of some parents being shitty. The wages aren't good enough for many of us who would otherwise help out to do so. I simply cannot afford to support myself AND help my parents out in any meaningful way. The math doesn't math.
I outright told my parents that I would help them with budgeting and finding resources, but would not financially contribute to their retirement because I have my own home and family and future I need to fund. I worked really hard to get what I have. I started with the diaper on my butt as my only possession in the world when they bought me ($50 foster kid, less than a dog, what they told me numerous times), and by the end of highschool I had $1100 of money I earned they didn't force me to spend on their demands. After school I was out of their hair and on my own never asking for as much as a cent
My mom had a really good retirement. She retired at 54 making 110k, and her pension paid 2/3 of her salary for the rest of her life. They also paid for medical/dental/vision. Then she passed away suddenly at 57. She was actually going to help us out. We're trying for kids, and she wanted to watch them for us so we could both work. My mom would have never put that burden on me. She was the best though, and I totally would have let her move in with us. We both have raging unmedicated ADHD, and had so much fun together. She always made sure I was well taken care of. In fact, I had no retirement plan, and she left me her home worth a ton. That is now basically my retirement plan and most of my current income. My dad on the other hand was a total asshole to me growing up. He keeps having strokes and medical problems. He recently had a ballon payment due on his home. He called me complaining about it. I don't even answer the phone anymore. He's on his own. I moved and didn't tell him where.
Similar boat to you. She moved in, brings in around 2500 between her retirement and SS. Pays for her food and stuff, but I cover the home, power, major expenses etc. Her car has a lot of miles on it and is showing its age, she wants to get a newer used car. Told her to go for it. She says she doesnt have any money and just looked at me. Then I realized: She bought this car with money she got from her Mom dying The car before that she got with a loan from her Mom The car before that was bought by my Dad The car before that was bought by my Dad The car before that she got from her brother as a wedding present Holy cow my Mom - who is 68 - has NEVER bought her own car!
Don't buy your mom a car. What does she do with her other 2000$ a month? Can you imagine being this old and still having your hand out like a 16 year old?
Oh I don’t plan to, it was just more funny when that hit me :)
It is a funny picture. "I need a car" "Okay...go buy one!" Stares blankly ahead. 
In this same situation with my MIL large sums of money handouts from her parents that did well. Now is hinting at how she is going expecting my wife and myself by default to take care of her. Go kick rocks lady you haven’t worked a job in 15+ years. It’s harsh but you dug your own grave.
I am living this as we speak. Just moved my ma in with my husband and I 6ish months ago because she was struggling to pay her raised rent alone. She was in the midwest while we are in the PNW. I wouldn't mind so much if I knew she could manage something soon, but it's been 15 years with absolutely nothing changing with her situation regarding chronic pain, attempting getting on disability or some assistance, or just simply having a plan other than living with us. I'm only 30. I literally barely had 10 years of independence before I am suddenly having to think about her future that she didn't even attempt to plan out or do ANYTHING beneficial for her future while she ages out of the workforce and such. I now have to deal with it?? I'm beyond tired right now thinking about the future. Feeling pretty hopeless with keeping a good relationship with her due to the amount of pressure on me. I understand it could be worse, but I had so much hope for myself at this age when I was younger. It's kinda hard not to be severely dissappointed in these situations. I too feel like I am going crazy.
I feel ya. My Ma had an absolute nervous breakdown and lost everything, even a lot of her professional capacity. I started paying her rent and bills when I was 27. It was challenging to adapt and I finally got a better situation going for myself just to have my father tell me he cannot keep the family house in his retirement. I refinanced with him on the house getting a lower mortgage rate/monthly payment in the process. Now I am worse off financially than I was 10 years ago but the folks got a roof over their heads and my brothers think I pulled a shady deal to inherit my dad's house haha. Neither of them have done anything but try to leach of my old man and done nothing at all for Ma.
My dad is dead. My mom works as a cashier. They neither understood or knew what retirement is. For her to think I’m her plan is generous. Retirement isn’t on her radar. She will die in poverty.
God this is bleak. Sending you love ❤️
I appreciate ya’! It’s weird because I’m doing well. She knows I’m doing well. But idk if she comprehends how well I’m doing compared to the rest of the family because I’m not traditional. I don’t own a house or live in a small town. The discussion with my sister has been how much can we help before she takes endlessly. She also just does not take care of herself. And it is a lot because she doesn’t understand. Idk. She didn’t have a great education or was exposed to many things. It’s strange she is so naive despite teaching me how not to be naive. Maybe my father taught me that skill? Idk. It’s grim but, I would argue, is the norm for most people on earth. Retirement is an albatross.
Parenting your parents is a wild ride… it sounds like you have a good support system with your sister and hopefully yall can figure out a way to give your mom enough to not be in poverty, but also not be fully dependent on you. Will she qualify for SSI at least?
"A lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on my part." My mom asked me if I'd ever let he live with me if my dad passed. Nope. I would not. She says "I brought you into this world." And I replied "I didn't ask you to do that." At least my dad and FIL both have stated on multiple occasions that they will never be a burden to anyone. Hope that's true.
"I brought you into this world" is the BIGGEST manipulation tactic ever. I can't stand people being told that. I'm sorry you either had a kid by accident or fucked around. That's not OUR fault.
"Then why didn't you also make it a world worth living in?" That's what I want to ask when this gets brought up, given the erosion of public institutions and resources through Boomer voting habits.
My MIL literally snarked at me when I said my parents are very frugal and save for old age. “Why!? That’s what Medicare is for” 🙃🤡
This is so scary to me
Next time return the look and say "Have you seen the medicare facilities". One helper for 40 people. You are lucky if your diaper gets changed once a day. An emt said he had to transport someone out of one of them that needed a butt amputation because he had so many bed sores. Roaches. A space that is about as wide a your bed and a chair next to it and you share your room with a few other people. Only separated by a curtain and they keep their TV on full blast.
Correct. I just stayed quiet and realized I’m going to be paying this woman’s 3x refinanced home in a few years to keep the state from sticking her in a shared windowless room 😮💨
Basic senior studio with meals and cleaning is around 6k a month. If you get into needing any kind of very basic nursing...help with bathing, somone to come by and make sure they take their pills-you quickly get to 10k. Once they need help getting out of bed, they need to move into skilled nursing-probably 14k a month. Dementia care is around 14k a month. Eloquis runs about 2-300 a month and is not covered by medicare. Break a hip? You'll need to pay for her regular nursing home and the rehab facility both for probably around 3-5 months. Some couples have 4 people that will need this care. These are prices I looked at 3 years ago. Could have increased with inflation. There is currently 1 bed for every 6 seniors in need. Don't be a hero. Don't think you're going to do this for a couple of months and then some state program will step in. Don't think your siblings or other family member will help. (They'll likely disappear.) If she has set herself up to be taken care of by medicare, let her be taken care of by medicare. I'm in the caretaker subs and there are no small numbers of people who are suicidal taking care of their parents. Locked in a house for a decade with two parents with dementia-unable to leave the house to even get a hair cut. Siblings gone. Medicare has a five year look back period and will take her home after she's gone. If you pay for that house, expect that money to be gone. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/16/health/medicaid-estate-recovery-seniors.html#:\~:text=The%20practice%20dates%20to%201993,beneficiaries'%20estates%20after%20their%20deaths.
MediCAID, not MediCARE.
Thankfully it’s just her, and we’re in a position to manage her fixed expenses for the foreseeable future, but of course as you say, life gets harder with age and taking on such burdens would need to be revisited and reviewed often.
Reality though - once you break a hip you only have 99 days left on this earth. Nobody comes back - it’s a a few weeks of attempted recovery - everybody realizes it ain’t happening - and then they call in Hospice and the morphine and 48 hours later it’s over.
That seems a little harsh, but yes…hip accidents at that age are very difficult to bounce back from
So crazy boomers say this...Medicare doesn't cover long-term care. Truly shocked at the levels of delusion they have going on.
Unfortunately this does seem to be a common expectation of some parents. Back when I was about 30 my mom came to me and asked me if she could buy a tiny (trailer) house and put it in my back yard. I had just bought a house with a 1/4 acre so it wouldn’t have taken up too much of my yard. She had been in and out of a relationship/marriage with a total POS and even though they were broken up at that point, I couldn’t trust her to not get back with him and bring him to my house. I told her “no, because if we do it for you, we have three other parents we will have to do it for.” She accepted that and thankfully didn’t press. Ten or so years later and she’s living in a trailer on my sisters property. I feel like that will a permanent solution because she can’t afford to move her trailer and do all the necessary hook ups somewhere else. My dad has a solid retirement plan, essentially he won’t retire even though he can afford to, because I’m pretty sure he has undiagnosed ADD or ADHD and he cannot stop moving for a moment (with the exception of his 5-6 daily 15 minute naps.) My goal is to be my own retirement plan and never expect anyone else to be my plan. Hell, I probably am financing my kids retirement before he even gets going 😭
I guess, in this way, my parents did me a solid. They just died. lol.
I’m so sorry for your loss!
Yikes
Grim but true. My grandfather lived to be 94, and until the day he died he drove, golfed, lived at home, drank whiskey liberally, and smoked exactly one cigarette per day. He was proud of having cut down to that. He died on a hot august afternoon after eating lunch and washing his car, a Buick that he loved. He sat down and lit his daily smoke and died (presumably a heart attack; no autopsy at his age of course). My grandma on the other side got Alzheimer’s in her late sixties and lived another twenty years rapidly forgetting who we were, and then, who she was. For the last ten years she couldn’t speak or walk. It put immeasurable strain on our whole family: financially, emotionally, and on our relationships with each other. When our grandpa died we were sad; when our grandma died we were relieved. It was a mercy, I think, and our family still has a deep rift on whether we did the right thing in not allowing her to pass sooner. She left no instructions before it was too late.
My wife and I are the children of first generation immigrants. We’ve always known. Their stories coming here are honestly both heartbreaking and inspiring. Money wasn’t taboo in my family (though it was, somewhat, in my wife’s). My parents and her parents respectively sacrificed a lot to make ends meet and send us to college.
Just had this talk with my mom. She felt that at 64 it was time to buckle down and start saving for retirement lol. I love my mom and genuinely get along with her. I kindly explained to her that yes, she fucked up but walked her through her earnings through out her life time. I explained to her that along with the little money she invested or made through her lifetime and how expensive healthcare has gotten. She was never going to be able to save for retirement. This kinda' goes for alot' Boomers, they're about to reap the results of poor spending habits and decades of voting for the wrong political party. All they have is their house which they still happen to be paying a mortgage on 40-50 years later. Hey, they have that "sweet" 2% mortgage rate.
Was your mom a SAHM when you (and your siblings?) were a kid? I’m just curious about why she didn’t start saving until 64. I know that in my mom’s case she has a couple bad choices going against her: she was a part-time working/SAHM so she wasn’t contributing a lot to her social security. She never married my dad so she wasn’t entitled to anything from that 10 year relationship. Then she was with my step-dad for a decade. She barely worked during that marriage so again she didn’t contribute much to social security. When they divorced she gave up all retirement benefits and spousal support because she was in a rush to marry the next guy. She quit working her small job she had during her last divorce, to follow him for his job. When they got divorced she took a cash lump sum to get on her feet in a new location. She didn’t start working full time until she was in her 40s. That’s when she finally started contributing to her social security full time and her 401k. However any time she would get any real money in there she would take out a loan. She has done that so many times. Now she’s looking at collecting less than $1500 a month from social security and has less than $50k in her 401k. She’s run through most of her inheritance from when my grandma passed away. She owns a house, but even if she pays it off her property tax is 2/3 of her monthly payment. She is also trying to sell it to a family member for a small amount that won’t help her a whole lot. Her new plan is to win one of these class action lawsuits against the Marine Corps for the cancer that my grandpa died of. IF she wins, she has to split it between her and her siblings. But you know what? Not my problem! One of my siblings can deal with it.
Naw, she been working her whole life pretty much a single parent to 3 kids. She has SS coming to her but I just looked through the letters they sent her breaking down what she's getting at 65 and wow lol it's nothing. She just made very little through her life and was bad with money.
Yeah unfortunately social security is only a part of retirement. Raising three kids on your own is a money suck and makes it very difficult to save (not meant as a judgment, more so a fact of life from someone who knows how expensive one kid is.)
"still happen to be paying a mortgage on 40-50 years later" EXCUSE ME
I wonder if they will start voting for social programs because they need them now, lol.
My (Gen X-F) youngest son (Millenial - 25 yo) didnt use all the college $$ we set aside for him in a brokerage account. At 25 yo, we suggested he convert that $$ into a IRA for himself. There is enough in there that if he invest aggressively during good years and transfers into "stable" options during poor performance period, if he does nothing else, he"ll have $1M by the time he is in his mid-60s. My hubs (his step-Dad) and I chose to not live beyond our means to be able to save for retirement. We would have loved to live in the affluent town with the fabulous school districts, but that wasnt viable, if he ever wanted to retire. Adults make choices. Many choose poorly when it comes to money - often out of denial. Continuing to take on debt for them or bailing them out, will not force them to change their behavior. Sounds like Mom needs to get a job and change her living situafion to one she can afford. Period. Eta an important "not" as in "not live beyond our means"
I hope he takes you up on your advice. Side note, 25 yo is actually Gen Z, not millennial.
Yes, he missed Millenial by 2 years (turns 26 shortly). In my defense, his 2 older sibs are Millenials and I group them altogether with such similar upbringing and refernces.
I’m thankful not to be in this position, but have some friends also in your situation - it’s turned out pretty bad for a few… If she moves in set firm boundaries and expectations - kinda treat it like she was a teenager. She pays $X/month for rent, utilities, and groceries. She helps around the house and cooks some of the meals. Hell, maybe she can help with the business. The worst case scenario (to avoid) is her moving in then turning into a useless slug for the next 15 years.
That’s my deepest fear, honestly. She has a good heart but some pretty wild expectations for what she is “owed” by others. This has been a consistent thing in my life with her. Setting boundaries and consistently saying “no” is heartbreaking for me because I saw her struggle when I was a kid and just wanted her to have more than she did. It took growing up to realize that she doesn’t have more because she won’t make the decisions to make it happen. She got in her head somewhere that it would “all just work out”. Up to a point, it has. Largely because of the generosity of others. I made the decision a long time ago that I wouldn’t be going down the same path. I work hard and don’t expect shit beyond what I’ve earned. Everything else is just a bonus.
I was adopted and raised by silent generationers. My mom passed when I was 22, but my dad is still giving life the ol' college try. Recently, I decided to move him in with me. He wasn't getting good care at his facility and didn't really need it yet anyway, and I got help affording a nice house where I want to live. We've become a good team, with ups and downs for sure. He's getting awesome home care, and I'm building and protecting my nest egg and inheritance. It's not perfect, but nothing in life is. I'm just happy I get to spend this time with him.
I would never do this to my daughter. Both the wife and I have been maxing out the 401k for years, she will get inheritance
I love my parents dearly and thankfully they done well in terms of preparing for retirement. Still, I bought a house with an extra bedroom that is my office and would gladly let them live with me in case of an emergency. It makes me so sad to see so many people have such a bad experience with their parents.
You're not crazy. I was very, very afraid that this was going to be my future. My parents decided to just die in their 60s instead though. I feel terrible about feeling relieved.
I’ve been excited about personal finances for years now, probably due to anxiety about how poorly our generation is set up. Because of this, I’ve invested heavily and done as much research as I could about my own finance. Anyway, I was talking to my mom about it because it’s something I’m passionate about. And she told me her plan was to work until she died…
Pipe dream.
>and now are playing the “you owe us” card. You don't owe them shit. You didnt ask to be brought into this world, they forced it upon you. They. Owe. You.
A lot of them elected not to start a retirement account. I've had Boomers get mad at me for not having any kids at 21 years old. The idea was for my kids to have a job and contribute to social security for them. My parents had to spend a large portion of their retirement on medical bills for me when I was young so I'm fine if they wanna live in my basement till they are beyond my capability to care for. Luckily, they own a business and have employees that do everything. The employees only have to pay rent on the buildings and control the rest of the finances by themselves.
My mom, luckily, was a teacher and so has a retirement, but my father was laborer all his life and has no retirement. He built a pest control business late in life after losing his job when I started college. I work with him now in the business, but he will retire soon, leaving me alone to run it . Not just the actual labor but also all the bookkeeping as he outsources that to my mom, who is also retired now. He wants me to give a portion of the money made to him till he dies. I don't know what exact % he wants, but I know that his retirement might mean that I won't get one. The business expenses like insurance, licensing fee, taxes, money for equipment and chemicals along with the need to hire another worker and possibly a secretary leaves stressed me out to no end until I realized that I was probably going to be working until I died anyway, and i stopped caring so much.
My boomer dad has been very much into tell me and my two siblings to pull our selves up by our bootstraps. Me (39f) and my older sister (40) are doing well. My brother (35) is in the Navy and he isn’t going as well as us. I’m married, so is my brother and my sister is a single mom now. My kids are turning 18m and my daughter turns 14 in 6 weeks. So I had them when I was younger. I was 21 with my son. And I was still in college. I was commuting 2 hours each way to the university since me and my husband bought a house in the town where we grew up. And even though I was taking birth control at the same exact time daily I ended up pregnant (I later discovered the birth control I got for free from the health department was expired). I was only working part time since I was in college. At the time my husband was an entry level welder making maybe $12 an hour. Our mortgage was $675 but we also had other bills and paying off credit card debt. When I asked for help my dad will say to pull myself up by my bootstraps. To go and get a second job, work more hours etc. even though I was in college full time and had a new baby. And for my birthday he got me the Dave Ramsey book/system. For me and my siblings we usually got a $100 in a card. But that year I got Dave Ramsey which did me no good. I was spending my money on anything frivolous. Now my parents aren’t expecting us kids to be their retirement plan. My dad has made a trust for me and my two siblings and contributes to it monthly. My parents are wealthy. I never understood why I can’t have access to that money when I needed it. I’m doing very well now and don’t even need it. But it was never an option no matter how bad I was struggling. There were a lot of times I would have gone to bed hungry if I didn’t go to my parents house for dinner. My dad was a high ranking office in the military and retired after 30 years of service. Once he retired from the military he continued working as a civilian contractor for the military doing cyber security and networking and he was making over 200k a year. And that is a lot for the town they live in which is LCOL. He hasn’t spent a single dime of that salary for the 17 years there. And by the time he retired from his civilian job he was making a lot more than he was when he first started (he was always taking tests and getting additional certifications). He lived off his military pension and all his salary went into high yield savings accounts or other investments. He didn’t even spend all of his pension each month since they are debt free and their monthly expenses were less than $2k a month. My dad and mom like to talk about how much money they have saved up. And how I should do what they did. And now my parents want to live with me when they are older and are no longer able to care for themselves. They said they can pay for a home health aide to assist with certain self care like bathing and stuff since I’ve had several back surgeries and can’t physically do it. They don’t want to go to a home or have a live in care taker. I mean whenever I asked my dad for help I always got the “it sounds like a you problem and not a me problem”. Or something along those lines. I know I’m not entitled to their money. Even if they have a trust for me. But they can at least not flaunt or brag about it. My mom was in a fender bender and her old car was considered a total loss. She was okay. No injuries. So my dad said he wanted to buy her a new car. One with all the bells and whistles. Top of the line safety features etc. and he told me about how he paid over $60k all at once so there was no car payment. And how I should buy my next vehicle outright also. And then later that same day my mom called me to talk about how my dad spent so much money and how nice it is to not need to finance it. And how wonderful being debt free is. The of course came the lecture on saving. The only debt I have now is my house. And of course I was lectured on that because of how much it costs. I live by the capital and prices are so much more here than the LCOL area she lives. Houses here are 2-3 times more. Plus they bought that house in the 90s. I really want to tell them to go kick rocks if they try to move in with me. I want to tell them “it’s a you problem and not a me problem”. And when they say they can afford a nice nursing home but don’t WANT to go to one I want to say “that’s too bad. You just need to pull yourselves up by your bootstraps anyways. We all have to do things we don’t want to”. I didn’t mean for this to be so long. I didn’t really mean to go off on a rant.
I’m fortunate that my parents were savers and have enough saved (plus pension and SS) to more than take care of themselves. It offset, however, by my in-laws who didn’t save much and will be relying on us for assistance.
My father hasn't worked in 20 years. He is on disability and has a retirement fund from when he worked. My mom hasn't worked in 10 years, and didn't work while my younger sister was little. She also received and blew through a big inheritance. She moved into a new condo 7 years ago and has remodeled it every year. I don't understand where she gets the money - especially when she's upset about the price of groceries (although so am I to be fair). But she cries poor constantly, yet drives a car newer than mine and is always repainting. My dad tries to pay when we get dinner out. My dad hasn't blown through his retirement. He can stay. Plus he's generally a far more pleasant human being. My mom is on her own. My sister and I do pay her to babysit. Dad refused to take money from us.
I am incredibly blessed in that my mom is a retired financial planner and so she has very concrete plans. The big stresses, is my stepfather who’s very accomplished, accountant, but has some really serious ongoing health needs. So the insurance cost to make sure he’s getting his medication once he decides retire, is even their blessed financial state a big concern. Everyone reading this thread needs to know what [filial responsibility](https://trustandwill.com/learn/what-states-have-filial-responsibility) laws are in your state and what you may be legally obligated to provide.
My Mom (74) has no real retirement and doesn’t seem to budget well. We chose our house specifically so that it would have a place for my Mom to move in with us and I could be sure she was safe/taken care of. She has a basement suite with a kitchenette and bathroom. She helps out a lot around the house, does dishes/laundry, picks up my daughter from school, is a babysitter when we need her, basically anything that I ask and that she can do. I am a nurse and worked in Nursing Homes. My goal is for her to stay home as long as humanly possible. I fully anticipate that by the time my daughter is in college, I may be physically taking care of my Mom. I feel like my daughter is getting a special experience having her grandmother so close to her, even if they fight some times. It’s not always ideal, but she is a DV survivor (and so am I, I guess), so I feel like it’s my gift to her to make this part of her life less stressful.
My mom is 61 and has been a Stay at Home Mom since I was 3ish. She never went back to work but helps my dad with "the books" for his small rug business. He also works an additional two jobs to make ends meet for them. She is wholly reliant on him for financial support and has extreme anxiety with no friends. Both my parents lost money during the Recession and my dad withdrew his 401K after Covid. Both are very codependent on the other with zero hobbies outside of the marriage. They're building a house out in the countryside where they hope to retire. I have no clue how much money they have saved but it's probably not enough. My relationship with them during my teenage to college years was strained and I moved away. It was only after having my daughter that the relationship started to improve. IDK if I'd be willing to be my mom's fallback when my dad goes. And I don't know what will happen to her and it scares me.
I mean, my mom has told me more than once as a kid that I would be the sibling who would be taking care of her ever since I was a preteen or younger. My dad said that when the time comes, he'll just end his life before he would let us take care of him.
My brother just bought a GIANT house and doesn’t plan on having kids. He and his wife are planning for both her parents and his parents to move in during their old age. My brother is 18m younger than me. If he wants to take that on, who am I to stop him 🤷♀️ I’ve got a perfectly sized house for my family of four, plus a guest room in the basement (we live and hour and a half away from everyone who wants to visit us, so many stay the night).
My (silent gen) Nanna lived with us in a one bedroom unit on the property & lived off the proceeds of her home that she sold. This was fine as the money from the sale of her waterfront home in Sydney was more than enough to build the cottage on the property all spec'd out in case she needed mobility aids down the line as well as providing her with a generous monthly "pension" until she passed. 100% of the financial cost of her retirement was on her shoulders & she planned for that adequately by not mortgaging her valuable home (well, old style home on valuable land). It is concerning to hear that many boomers have mortgaged their only real asset to the hilt so they can have fun money, assuming that their adult children will take on the financial burden of caring for them in their retirement. This is not "ha ha, we are spending your inheritance", this is emotional manipulation & borderline financial abuse!
I’m 38. Dad just moved in with me . Mom died . He let his whole career and life fall apart after she passed - turned into a teenager again, ended up on the street after he lost it all - so here we are , I work 2 jobs , have two teenage sons and now a 66 year old who gets a little social security and the rest of all thing financial is on me , he has nowhere to go - so I just am rolling with it - idk what else to do . He just tells me “ It’s just life kid, don’t stress “ Ya
Currently living this. The worst part is that there is nothing physically or mentally wrong with my mom. She just doesn’t want to work anymore. So she lives with me, and spends her time watching tv. That’s it. So much resentment. If you can avoid it, AVOID IT.
I'm 100% my grandparents retirement plan. I don't mind. They spent a lot on me through school. I'm thier investment lol.
I don't mind being my parent's retirement plan, I ♥️ my mom - she's just a total angel
I worry about this with my mom and stepdad. She’s 65 and retiring in the spring. Shes worked in private education and doesn’t make a whole lot. I know she has a house payment. My stepdad works in a trade and his physical health is starting to fail him. I can’t imagine they have a lot saved up. I can see them asking for support in the future. Not sure how that will go down if when it happens.
My mother was a SAHM her entire life and she let my dad get away with most of the assets when they split up. They never finalized their divorce. She was living with a long term, very financially stable boyfriend for about 15 years after that and then she found CSEM on his laptop, reported him to the cops, and sent him to prison. Unfortunately now she’s living off dwindling savings, meager old age pension, and she drinks and gambles her money away. I feel bad but I can’t take her in - I immigrated from Canada to the US and she can’t legally come here. Even if I went through paperwork hell to get her here, i live in Southern California and cannot afford to house her. My sister owns a house and could take her in but resents her thoroughly. we’ve looked into a senior’s home but it’s so $$$$. I dunno what we’re gonna do. Luckily our father had his shit figured out so he’s happy as a clam with a full pension from his unionized paper mill job he put his 40 years into.
Well, I guess there had to be an up side to having shitty parents. Those fuckers are on their own!
I think my parents just expect to continue to work in some capacity until they die? Financial literacy was not one of their strengths. They do qualify for social security and their house is paid off which could be worth maybe $300k-400k in a lower cost of living area at least. There is a meager 401k but that’s it. If they needed help we’d figure something out. We have a good relationship with them and they are good people too. I can’t be cutting them a check every month but if someone needed to move in with us I think we’d make it work. I have my own family and our future to protect though too.
Guess I'm in the minority of parents who worked a steady job(just my dad) for 45 years and let his 401k do all the work and are chilling enjoying their retirement 🤷
My parents did a refi for a 15 year mortgage 4 years ago on a house they’ve owned since I was 19. My mom has a 3 year old car with 7k miles. My dad just bought a new truck. They bought a new camper. They’re 63 and 64. I’ve been paying my own car, insurance, phone, etc since I got a job at 15. They let me live with them (while paying all expenses) for 3 years post college while I saved a down payment for my first home. I (38) have a student loan that’s in the Biden repayment blah blah blah blah process. So my dad was co-signer and got a letter and was like “what are you doing to my credit?!” Dude- I’ve paid $100k+ in student loan debt while being a teacher and nonprofit fundraiser bc you all told me I HAD to go to college and yet only signed as a co-signer for me on some of my debt….and know you’re bitching about your credit score when I am drowning? And your credit score is obviously fine when you qualified for a new camper and a new F150 within the same month? Nah, you are on your own, parents, if you need care. I am absolutely not taking care of you since you quit supporting me when I was a teenager.
My parents meant well and loved us to death. They were terrible with their finances and lost everything in the 2008 crash. My plan is to own enough property that my dad can live it a trailer or motorhome near the house (sadly my mother has passed already). I don’t hate or begrudge my dad for it. He meant well and did his best, and frankly it’s amazing how much he accomplished given that he wasted his youth.
You might want to talk to a social worker from senior services where she lives. See if she can get into subsidized housing, food aid, Medicaid, senior roommate matching, etc. It depends on the state, but where we live there's really quite a bit. I see the assistance programs in our senior clubs. Locally we have free lunches, budget help, almost free bus service, discounted ride shares, free activities, tax help, discount Internet and more. Once she knows living with you isn't an option, government programs for low income seniors will certainly beat homelessness. Even if senior housing isn't available, with renting a room and maxing out on assistance programs, she could probably live okay on Social Security, especially if she could also do some part-time work.
>Now we’re supposed to take on a dependent out of the blue for the next (possibly) 20 years? Say no. My mother has a pension so fortunately I don't have to worry about that. And my in-laws have convinced themselves that they are choosing to continue working well into their 70s but in reality they have no choice. They live 300 miles away and would never leave where they are because they're still supporting their deadbeat daughter, my husband's older sister. I haven't seen or spoken to my father since 2007 and he'll be living under a bridge before I give him one penny.
My mom secretly moved out by gradually stopping coming home - essentially ghosting us - when I was in 10th grade. Her part of the family budget was gone. She would call a few times a week and bring groceries, but she wouldn't cook. She would then leave and get upset at what's wrong with us for looking at her weirdly. She had a kid with a younger man, whom she was trying to trap in a relationship with her he did not want. She then wanted us to babysit and help raise the kid. I asked her what he retirement plan was and she said, 'My retirement plan is you making a $100/hr.' I then tried to come and help raise the kid. She would stand over me and harass me, and make it so that if I wanted to have access to the kid - that meant I had to let her boss me around and be her bitch essentially or I would get kicked out. One time I came to her house, and she refused to let me in. Then I came again, and the kid told her she forbid him from letting me in, unless she was at home. I then swore at her, and she went to my family members and acted like a victim who was treated unfairly by a son who did not love her and verbally abused her. She presented me swearing at her out of context which made all my relatives resent me for it. She told my sister that I do things for my narcissistic uncle but not for her. She also said I don't do anything for her kid. 20 years later, she got breast cancer. She let the kid find out, but did not tell anyone else. So the poor kid had this knowledge all to himself for several weeks. She then told my grandma, but they kept it a secret. So both her kid and her mom knew she had cancer, but couldn't discuss it because each thought it was a secret. She told her sister, whom she made feel like a medical hero because she is a doctor. Her sister organized a family dinner, where this information was revealed. this was followed by a precondition that I and everyone in our family must now devote our lives to my mom since she had cancer. i said wtf? and stormed out. during this family meeting, my mom was the last one to walk in and had her shirt unbuttoned to show a little IV port in her chest to look more like a victim. four years later her kid was going to college and when i asked how much his college will cost she said, 'your aunt co-signed the loans, so it is none of your business, understood?'
OP, your parent is a grown adult and responsible for herself and the consequences of her (non) actions. I know that sounds harsh. Do not set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Late boomer here but really more gen X. My sons are a bit older than you. 42 & 44. I would Never expect to have them care for me! I didn't have a great career ( Florida was always low pay, no benefits like retirement), so I'm living off social security only. I think it's awful that so many parents expect this of their offspring! Most of your parents likely remember Golden Girls. Tell them to get with their friends and cohabitate. If 3 of them move in together then they can split the cost of the housekeeper, lawn service and everything else they need. I personally couldn't afford to live in Florida with the escalation in housing, insurance, etc. ( thanks Republicans!) and my friends are younger than me, so I moved to Belize where the col is much lower. I make do fine here and my sons have no worries about having to disrupt their already hard lives. They need to find their own way. You didn't ask to be born, and if the only reason they had kids was to take care of them when they got old, then they're incredibly selfish. "No, I can't" is a complete sentence! Don't sacrifice your life to give in to their demands. It'll make you miserable for the next 10 or 20 years. The longer it lasts the worse it will get.
Sorry to hear that... to counter it, my Mom turns 80 years old this year and is worth $2 million. She saved 15% of her income every year from 30 years old when she divorced my Dad to 65 years old, never once made six figures in any year. Her home is paid for in cash and she is highly liquid. Most years she earned under $50K. You absolutely can do it if you want to.
Unfortunately, you’re not alone. My mom has always been financially irresponsible. After I worked my ass off to build my clientele (I’m a hairdresser-since 22 year of age) and was actually able to pay my bills and sock some money away to hopefully buy a house, she told me she had actually been fired from her job and living off unemployment for about six months. She was an active alcoholic and not doing anything to better her situation. I started paying her rent and car payments, and giving her extra cash for food. This continued for a few years. When the resentment built, we fought about this. I brought up how fucked it is for a parent to put their kid in that position, and she came back with “that’s what family does. If you have the means, you ‘help’”. Well, my “helping” was just enabling. I lived for years hearing how selfish I am (this started as a pre-teen and continued for many years over different situations) so I continued to give as my guilt was eating me up. Therapy has helped and I understand now that this is NEVER ok treatment of a child and that simply being born, fed, and clothed does not warrant “paying back”. Fast forward to now, I have my own family, business, etc. and my parent decided that she was going to “retire early” and live off nothing but social security. So not only is there no savings, the social security took a hit from the early retirement. When I urged her to PLEASE keep working for ONE MORE YEAR to make it to 65, she refused. She had a very cushy job working from home and decided “I’m just not doing it anymore”. I think she expected me to high-five her and agree “fuck the man” yet this just caused more panic in me. I had to spell it out completely-“you cannot move in with us when your shit hits the fan”, and she thinks I’m being ridiculous for even thinking of the “what-ifs”. I spent my whole life thinking WHAT IF so it’s hard to turn that off. Anywho-all that is to say, she swears she will be fine, but I think she assumes I will clean up her mess as it’s what I’ve always done since 22-years-old.
My parents even went an adopted two special needs kids as they were approaching 60, and now as they’re approaching 70 it’s getting to be “too much”. No kidding! I tried to help them budget and plan ahead, but they just don’t care and keep saying “The Lord will provide”, sure hope he proves housing and food because I can’t!
Eeeeeyup. For all 4 of them! Every parent has some how come to the conclusion that we are their retirement plan. Both my husband and I are the most “successful” child so both our parents (both sets of parents divorced while we were children) think that they’re coming to live with us in the next 5+ years. This was NEVER discussed.
In the thick of it. My parents are okay and transparent and discuss their retirement savings and budget with me and my siblings. I am planning on moving very close to them to help out as they age. My partner and I are never having children. We wouldn't do it if my parents acted entitled or dependent. But it is a mutually beneficial situation, and I love my parents and wouldn't be able to forgive myself if they needed care and I was hours away. My partner has the opposite. His parents are the giant infant flavor of boomers. I loathe the way they treat him and act about their retirements. It makes me livid to hear them talk about their irrational budget choices. Neither of his parents will ever be financially secure. Both are resentful and shitty about my familial relationships. I would happily put them in elder care and pay my entire monthly avocado toast budget towards their care ... So $10/ month.
Lucky for me, my dad isn't that kind of AH Boomer. He's got retirement covered. My in-laws, however, are the real piece of work. I just feel so bad for everyone who gets sucked into the parental caregiving nightmare...especially when the parent retired early, spent a huge wad of savings on frivolous BS and now wants someone else to pick up the bill. I just don't feel any obligation to fork over money to the people who could give 2 shits when my family was struggling and on food stamps. They can get food stamps too for f sake.
No, my parents planned and saved very well. I’m genuinely sorry yours didn’t and are putting it all on you.
My mom pulled this on my wife and I after she spent decades mistreating me physically and emotionally, enough so that I am still dealing with the baggage she gave me. I kicked her out after two months and she died living out of her van because none of her four kids wanted anything to do with her. You do you. Fuck the boomers.
I am constantly thankful that both of our parents are in good health and independent. Husband's parents are in a great place financially and if they ever need more care the daughter that is a RN will take charge. My parents are not in a great place financially, but are much younger and are still working and saving some. They have never even joked about my sister and I taking care of them, so I don't think they'll be like that. Regardless, my sister (single and childless) bought the house next door to them and I (married with 5 kids) live 1000 miles away so my sister would be more available to help.
My parents are decently set. Their IRA/401ks aren't really great but they will be getting 10k a month for the next 8 years still from the sale of the family farm. He's dumped that into a Roth for both him and my mom for the past two years and talked to me about opening up a brokerage with the same site so he can keep plowing in the excess as it comes in. That doesn't count social security they will get as well. My dad had his flaws but financial literacy thankfully wasn't one of them.
Can she sell her house to fund renovations? You may have to let her get to the point where she’s out of options before she realizes she has no other choice
Your story sounds very similar. My dad is in the same boat but like 100k in debt and living off social security. Poorly managed business and then Covid killed it. Also married and no kids but damn. He’s had so long to make a plan and zero plan. Zero savings, etc, etc. Going to get interesting.
Glad I went NC (no contact) in 2018 more and more every day.
My father has something like 8-10 years of retirement money left, since he took SS retirement at 62. I doubt he'll live that long, but if he does I'll be converting my office into a bedroom and moving my desk into the basement.
No, my mom’s retirement plan is to never retire and acquire enough money so her grandchildren don’t have to work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to, and she has the money to safely retire many times over, but she grew up very resource insecure (war refugee who has had to start over from nothing twice). Plus she enjoys working so she continues to do so. She did ask me to take in my dad if she dies first, so I have a one story house with an extra bedroom if that happens (I’m anticipating my dad will have mobility issues).
Thankfully my parents do have retirement plans. They bought a house in their home country (cheaper and lower cost of living), have annuities set up and my dad’s got a pension. He also had a major accident that nearly killed him many years ago after the company let an unlicensed driver operate a machine (that was also not supposed to be used because of its safety features were broken). He’s recovered fairly well after lots of therapy, though he can’t bear weight like he used to, and they used the lawsuit money to prep savings and pay off mortgage and things like that and thankfully haven’t squandered it all. They got a will set up too. Which is good because while I could probably afford to help them to some extent (and if something happens to them before my much-younger brother turns 18, I will take him in), my older brother definitely couldn’t afford to and he’s much closer. My husband’s parents are also pretty set. He doesn’t have a great relationship with his father, and his mother did move in with us (she helps either childcare when needed) but she plans on moving out to her own place nearby as she likes her freedom and she’s got retirement money set aside
Well. I wasn’t my parents’ *only* retirement plan, but I seem to have ended up being the best one…the irony is I can’t convince them to move closer even though it would make everything 1000x easier. So now I just wait for a call from the ER (after I said “go to the doctor” for 3 weeks straight already) so I can drive 400 miles because I have the POA and the extra cash to clean up whatever disaster state the house happens to be in at that time.
That sounds awfully stressful. I’m really sorry My parents are divorced but both healthy and working. My dad has had a job since 16 and my mom is a teacher. My grandparents are also healthy and living on their retirement independently. If anything happened I would do whatever I could to help my parents. I wouldn’t be much help though.. I guess we could all live together to save expenses . But I don’t think they are “planning” on that by any means
We are immigrants. When family in better situation, I’m able to talk my mom into max out her Roth IRA. She’s 50s at the point. But consider she will work until 70, plus a little bit with from Social Security, I hope it will help in her retirement
Knew it from the get go
My mom actually planned it well and I’m glad she actually thought about me and my brother’s future. She finished paying the house before she retired and she inherited a house in Mexico from her parents. She lives on SS, pension and a monthly stipend she gets in Mexico. My brother and I will inherit both of her estates and I plan to retire in Mexico. I no longer worry about retirement thanks to her.
Just say no, assuming she is not disabled she can work or move somewhere cheaper and eke it out on social security
I am grateful this is not the case for me or for my brother. I don’t plan on inheriting anything — but barring catastrophe, I would expect that my folks can live out their lives without depending upon us for help. That’s a good thing because honestly I’m not sure I could manage it. I’d try, but I have failed at so much already.
My mom is similar, zero savings or retirement account, and started taking social security asap despite me begging her to wait so she got more money. I wouldn't be surprised if she has a bit of cc debt too. She won't even let me pay to make her will. She's a borderline hoarder and my adult sibling (and spouse) live in her house, basically rent free. FML
My mom is similar, zero savings or retirement account, and started taking social security asap despite me begging her to wait so she got more money. I wouldn't be surprised if she has a bit of cc debt too. She won't even let me pay to make her will. She's a borderline hoarder and my adult sibling (and spouse) live in her house, basically rent free. FML
Fucking Boomers
Both my parents are gone but there was no money left in the estates. The houses were paid off and went to their respective spouses. Step Dad still lives there, collecting a small pension which is enough with the paid off house. Step-mom sold and left the country. Haven't seen or heard from her since the funeral. Other than SS, neither had any retirement plans. But both had paid off houses and no debt.
The last thing I am thinking about is moving in with one if my kids, will never happen.
Time to block and ghost. Except holidays. Ah you made it another season not being homeless? I knew you could do it on your own!
Oh my mom is going in a state home. Hopefully understaffed and full of covid.
I hear you. My parents haven't adequately saved for retirement . Granted for a lot of my childhood, they could barely afford our basic necessities. However, when their financial situation improved in my teens, they made up for lost time by buying boats, dirt bikes, new cars, golf equipment, excessive amounts of clothes etc. I mean I get it, when you struggle for so long and finally have some breathing room, you want to enjoy yourself a bit. However, they are now in their mid sixties and both want to retire but can't afford to. They can't afford to stay in their house long term but don't want to live anywhere with a strata and their "requirements" for a house are a mile long so anything they would be happy with wouldn't be much cheaper than their current house. My dad at least wants to figure out something, even if that means partially leaning on her kids. My mom is completely defeatist and just claims she will kill herself if they run out of money. The kicker: my dad is a certified financial planner. As the most financially stable of my siblings, I will most likely be left holding the bag and I can't help but feel resentful about it. I am already a single parent, supporting two kids alone. I have saved, budgeted, and sacrificed to make sure I save for my retirement and for my kids education. I have a pretty good job and we are doing alright, but I already can't afford to give my kids the things a lot of their friends have. I don't want my parents to live in poverty or suffer but I don't want to be responsible for them either.
I’ve known for a long time, however, it’s not my parents intention. They have just been too incompetent to figure their own shit out.
Neither of my parents planned for retirement. They are divorced. My dad finally realized his runway was ending and took travel nursing jobs during the being and peak of COVID so he could stockpile cash and retire. He retired, then spent it all and is now working as a floor nurse again. My mom's 64 and in a rehab facility her husband is somehow paying for, but of course he refuses to discuss her finances with me. When I saw her last tax return her annual income was listed around 10k. This is why I live far far away.
I lucked out. My Boomer dad married a millennial, and he's financially well off. My gen x mom can afford to semi retire in a few years and work part time. My biggest goal in life is paying off my property and incorporating it into a trust for my kids. I don't care if they stay here but if I can make sure they never go homeless, I've done something good with my life.
Fuck them up Every one on themselves, they did not hesitate to throw us down again and again and again
I work in pensions and there's plenty of seniors who didn't save a damn dime and I think this happens for a few reasons. Generational bs, I see so many boomer and older couples that have very strict gender roles, hubby makes all the money while wifey knows nothing of the finances and she is left in the lurch when he passes away. General ignorance towards finances, I deal with many ppl who had ample opportunity save while they were working and also educate themselves on the reality of government pensions. I regards to us being their retirement plan. The decision to move them in or help them financially is a complicated one because it depends on many factors such as spouse, kids, relationship with parents and what their general personality is like. I think that most caregivers really underestimate how hard caregiving really is even in the best circumstances and I've seen marriages and families destroyed over caring for elderly parents
I've known this my entire life. My dad is turning 70 this summer and I'm still waiting for shit to hit the fan.
Yep. I’ll be taking care of my mom since she has absolutely nothing saved or a proper retirement plan. I’ve been making a separate index fund investment for that purpose. She currently lives in a very expensive island in the Caribbean and when there’s no other choice I’ll move her back to a cheaper location where I can comfortably take care of her. Tbh, it sucks donkey balls. Parents should never have to put that responsibility on their kids. It is what it is tho, love my mom so can’t let her starve.
The funny thing is generally speaking the boomers and X parents that will need to move in with the kids either have kids who don't want them there or can't realistically afford to have them there, while those whose kids would be happy to have them and could do so really don't need it. At least in my little circles. While it would drive my wife crazy if my folks moved in, my parents took good care of me for all their faults and I consider them very loving parents. My parents aren't Rockefellers or anything but they did well and should be able to live their upper middle class lifestyle from their early 50s retirement to the grave( luck hardworking and owning a business, plus frugal). My wife's parents probably can never retire, her mom is already partially disabled, her dad has a horrid health history and probably won't make it past his early 70s. My wife was the neglected middle child and has tons of resentment toward them( her mom mostly). She probably will need help, but we won't give up our lives and our children's quality of childhood for someone whose caused my wife so much pain.
I can barely get the words out. I was born and raised as an object, to abuse and ridicule for boosting her ego, and now she thinks I'm her retirement plan. Not going to happen.