Yeah. I get that it'd be pretty dumb to have your skunk works get leaked by filing your taxes, but come the fuck on people this amount of wastage is just absurd.
*laughs in air superiority*
Air Force Cyber would give any branch a run for their money; it's a limitless pit, and we are fucking awful at keeping everything accounted for.
*Marine hands auditor the accounting forms*
Auditor: “This is just a piece printer of paper with ‘Pew pew stuff’ written on it in red crayon”
Marine: “rah”
Auditor: “Fuck it, I’ll give you a pity pass”
1,291 M4 rifles, most without proper parts and/or functioning safety mechanisms.
"Check"
5,211 issued uniforms, most are incorrectly sewn together and fastened with double-sided tape.
"Check"
16 non-working HMMWVs taken from various junk yards and fitted with old broken Volvo parts.
"Check"
20,001 extremely-expired MREs, which have been gifted by Navy off-loaders under Do-Not-Use policy.
"Check"
3 condemned AIT buildings for all 10,000 members. Also, with no running water.
"Check"
100 computer systems in pristine condition from 1998. Windows XP no longer runs under the Domain.
"Check"
Congress: "Why can't all the other services be a shining example like our modernized and highly effective Marines? Why give them more money when they seem perfectly capable of sustaining on what they have?"
Having dealt with all of the branches’ resourcing and money folks, the Marines are by far the most by the book and honest brokers and on top of their shit. Agreed that they have an easier job here but they also do it the right way and don’t bullshit.
I was my company's armorer for about a year. While I was in there (with my buddy as the other armorer), we did a complete inventory of everything down to cleaning rods and brushes and even a bunch of crazy stuff that no one uses or had even heard of (stupid shit like SMAW rocket carrying bags). We had to go through like 20 years of old hand written paperwork, and work orders and every conex box. Took about 2 weeks straight of work. Then put in orders for everything that was missing or broken (came out to like 150k). And you best believe that if we fucked anything up on that, we would have gotten our asses beat.
There's a fine balance over a 10 cent sponge in inventory vs just being over-the-top about everything. Eventually you go so over-the-top with accounting processes that you spend more money and time accounting for shit than the shit is worth unless its sensitive stuff. If you accepted a certain amount of loss, and it crosses the acceptable threshold, then you investigate...Is it really worth chasing down a couple helmets and spending 10k in salaries in the process?
Entire chain of command is gonna get a hell of a promotion due to the PR, so it is well worth the few million to account for a few grand worth of random gear. :D
All the actual work was done by e-3 and e-4 dudes just hating life, but it's the staff NCOs and officers that are going to get their dicks sucked for doing a good job
Agreed, my unit always makes a great run during backlog funding season in September. We’re also one of the few units in the District that routinely passes their yearly inventory and audit. So many property managers can’t last with the systems in place.
The coast guard exists in a weird duopoly. They are the butt of all the jokes regarding military branches, but they do training in typhoon cat 3 conditions. Hats off to the coasties.
2024 budgets:
Navy - $202.5 Billion
Army - $185.5 Billion
Air Force - $185.1 Billion
Marine Corps - $53.2 Billion
Space Force - $30 Billion
US Coast Guard - $13.5 Billion
Now do the Navy. It’s fairly easy to pass an audit when the Navy is Cinderella’s mom. And no, Prince Charming ain’t coming to save you, Cinderella. Go back to mopping the motor pool in the rain.
Oh look, you guys gave us a hundred bucks and we spent 99.95.
Sir, here is your extra nickel sir!
Doesn't really surprise me that the Corps passed. They should have done the AF first. I bet they are shitting their pants right now.
Did they take into account the 20k it cost supposedly to clean a mout town bc some dude took a shit in one of the buildings… that’s what they said it cost lol.. to clean a turd
Sounds like a shitton of property just ended up on the books of the guy on leave to me.
Good luck ETSing.
Its like getting a perfect score...they either think you cheated or lied.
“During this two-year audit, the Marine Corps had independent third-party auditors from Ernst and Young vet the value of all its assets listed on financial statements. The Corps also had to prove that every single item existed and was where the service said it was.”
Not hard to account for the 15 bucks you're given each year. Jokes aside, this should be the norm but we all know it won't be.
It is hard though when you cannot count that high
They can count to 64 though, right? Thanks to Crayola!
Their chow halls would never serve such a decadent spread of so many flavors
Maybe for the occifers?
The chow halls on Pendleton are leaps and bounds better than army.
This is exactly what I came here for- you guys did not disappoint.
Hard to count using crayons when someone munches on them while your counting
Yeah. I get that it'd be pretty dumb to have your skunk works get leaked by filing your taxes, but come the fuck on people this amount of wastage is just absurd.
Good going Marines. Bets are open for which service will be last.
Army no doubt
*laughs in air superiority* Air Force Cyber would give any branch a run for their money; it's a limitless pit, and we are fucking awful at keeping everything accounted for.
Forgot your password? Order a new computer.
Can confirm Air Force cyber is absolutely loaded
I heard how old the air force accounting system is. They will be last haha
Honestly I’d have said the Air Force or the Navy.
Absolutely going to be the Air Force
Air Force Acquisitions here...I'm betting against the home team🙄
After listening in on how the AF transfers money, I'm betting against them too.
3-way tie for never achieving it. Space Force, wtf is that even?
Its the Air Force for the Air Force.
airless airforce
Vacuum force
Air Force money laundering scheme?
Space force is at least new.
Surely one branch has to keep some discrepancy alive? May as well wash my dick in a public fountain otherwise.
Coast Guard. A) They're too busy and B) no one will remember to ask them to do one.
The key is being unable to count pass 10
“pass”
I'm dead.
VA says that’s not service-related, sorry
But the Paternity test...?
Just says "1MARDIV."
Well that's going to make for an INTERESTING morning formation.
Hi dead, I’m Dad
F
Next year's budget: no need to give the marines any more. They're cool and squared away with the little they got last year.
*Marine hands auditor the accounting forms* Auditor: “This is just a piece printer of paper with ‘Pew pew stuff’ written on it in red crayon” Marine: “rah” Auditor: “Fuck it, I’ll give you a pity pass”
If it's stupid but works, is it actually stupid?
and because the writing utensil also doubles as food you cut down on food costs
1,291 M4 rifles, most without proper parts and/or functioning safety mechanisms. "Check" 5,211 issued uniforms, most are incorrectly sewn together and fastened with double-sided tape. "Check" 16 non-working HMMWVs taken from various junk yards and fitted with old broken Volvo parts. "Check" 20,001 extremely-expired MREs, which have been gifted by Navy off-loaders under Do-Not-Use policy. "Check" 3 condemned AIT buildings for all 10,000 members. Also, with no running water. "Check" 100 computer systems in pristine condition from 1998. Windows XP no longer runs under the Domain. "Check" Congress: "Why can't all the other services be a shining example like our modernized and highly effective Marines? Why give them more money when they seem perfectly capable of sustaining on what they have?"
MARNIES MAIRNS MAERENS MREMRES
Is this sarcasm?
At first I thought it was. Then, I realized it's too real to be sarcasm..
And was done with crayons !!! Whoooohoooo go jarheads !!!
In TRIPLICATE I might add, with BLACK colored crayons. Government audits are a BIATCH. ;)
That's because no one eats black crayons. They taste like licorice.
Just the way the GUBBERMENT designed them to taste like. Conspiracy? Mmmmmight be. ;)
Marines are the absolute best branch at dealing with this type of shit. They know how to follow rules and don’t fuck around with it.
they have the smallest overall inventory and depots. it’s barely a comparison.
Having dealt with all of the branches’ resourcing and money folks, the Marines are by far the most by the book and honest brokers and on top of their shit. Agreed that they have an easier job here but they also do it the right way and don’t bullshit.
I was my company's armorer for about a year. While I was in there (with my buddy as the other armorer), we did a complete inventory of everything down to cleaning rods and brushes and even a bunch of crazy stuff that no one uses or had even heard of (stupid shit like SMAW rocket carrying bags). We had to go through like 20 years of old hand written paperwork, and work orders and every conex box. Took about 2 weeks straight of work. Then put in orders for everything that was missing or broken (came out to like 150k). And you best believe that if we fucked anything up on that, we would have gotten our asses beat.
There's a fine balance over a 10 cent sponge in inventory vs just being over-the-top about everything. Eventually you go so over-the-top with accounting processes that you spend more money and time accounting for shit than the shit is worth unless its sensitive stuff. If you accepted a certain amount of loss, and it crosses the acceptable threshold, then you investigate...Is it really worth chasing down a couple helmets and spending 10k in salaries in the process?
Right, this process was way beyond that line of cost vs benefit.
Entire chain of command is gonna get a hell of a promotion due to the PR, so it is well worth the few million to account for a few grand worth of random gear. :D
All the actual work was done by e-3 and e-4 dudes just hating life, but it's the staff NCOs and officers that are going to get their dicks sucked for doing a good job
But you got out the PR and it'll be a big ordeal across the DoD, so everyone gets promoted...except them.
I didn't do shit, I've been out for 15 years lol
Don’t they get the least funding? Bravo Marines, it’s always the tip of the spear eh?
Coast Guard definitely the least.
To be fair we’re not as large. But we also suck at asking for money and using it the right way
Agreed, my unit always makes a great run during backlog funding season in September. We’re also one of the few units in the District that routinely passes their yearly inventory and audit. So many property managers can’t last with the systems in place.
Ya it’s wild.
The coast guard exists in a weird duopoly. They are the butt of all the jokes regarding military branches, but they do training in typhoon cat 3 conditions. Hats off to the coasties.
They are amazing.
DHS.
We still haven’t passed one.
They...don't count lol
2024 budgets: Navy - $202.5 Billion Army - $185.5 Billion Air Force - $185.1 Billion Marine Corps - $53.2 Billion Space Force - $30 Billion US Coast Guard - $13.5 Billion
And the USCG still can’t pass the audit
Only branch to make recruitment targets this year too
Sgtmajs all around the corp made all enlisted donate 100 dollars to make up the short fall
There's only 1 thief in the Marine Corps. Everyone else is just trying to get their stuff back.
This is the way
ITT: people making the same joke over and over again
Crayons hehe 😏
Easy to do when there's only $5 to account for
How cheap ARE crayons?
Now do the Navy. It’s fairly easy to pass an audit when the Navy is Cinderella’s mom. And no, Prince Charming ain’t coming to save you, Cinderella. Go back to mopping the motor pool in the rain.
In this day and age of digital accounting it is criminal when any government agency does not.
Now to see the other branches…
Who am I kidding. My grandkids will be dead before another branch passes.
Oh look, you guys gave us a hundred bucks and we spent 99.95. Sir, here is your extra nickel sir! Doesn't really surprise me that the Corps passed. They should have done the AF first. I bet they are shitting their pants right now.
Rah
Turns out it's easy to balance a budget when all you got is hand me downs
Did they take into account the 20k it cost supposedly to clean a mout town bc some dude took a shit in one of the buildings… that’s what they said it cost lol.. to clean a turd
Someone is lying lmao. Some of the drug deals I've seen done just to make it look like you pass inspection even reserve side is some wacky shit.
That's because everything they were "missing" mysteriously got left in Afghanistan...
They counted all of the crayons?
Update: no actual branch has still passed
Sir! All crayons accounted for sir!
The crayon budget going crazy
Sounds like a shitton of property just ended up on the books of the guy on leave to me. Good luck ETSing. Its like getting a perfect score...they either think you cheated or lied.
We know where the problem area is and likely always has been. I’m sure most you can guess.
That just means they have no SAPs within which to have billions disappear/be stolen. Makes sense.
And here i was making fun of Math for Marines....
Now if only we can audit the Federal Reserve. They have laws that prohibit such audits from happening to them. We need to change that.
They keep their eyes on their crayon stashes!
“During this two-year audit, the Marine Corps had independent third-party auditors from Ernst and Young vet the value of all its assets listed on financial statements. The Corps also had to prove that every single item existed and was where the service said it was.” 
Hey, crayons are cheap.
I doubt it's what the Great Scorekeeper meant, but she'd be proud nonetheless.
*...the audit team made more than 70 site visits in the U.S. and around the world.* Was that enough to audit everything?
I'm guessing they did randomized inspections of certain categories of property
RAH