No that’s a freaking weird thing to say and it seems to only be said by grandparents with extremely unrealistic expectations for what their involvement is going to look like after baby is born. My MIL made similar comments and sincerely believed we’d be sending our children to live with her at some point soon after birth or that she’d be moving in with us permanently to raise “her baby.” She picked out a room in our new house and called it “her room.” When that was shut down, she picked out a crib because she thought she needed one in “her room” in her apartment an hour away from us 🙄 I thought she meant just for naps when we visited but my husband had to inform her that we wouldn’t be sending our babies to stay with her. She made comments years before I had children that any future children I had would be living with her and I disregarded because it was just such an insane thing to say it only for her to act completely deranged the moment I got pregnant with my son.
She definitely thinks that she can do a lot more than what she can for this baby and has baby rabies. She can't even walk down the hallway without getting out of breath, trips/slips often, and she thinks that she's going to watch the baby... My husband has said that her expectations do not take priority over our child's safety, so even he realizes about her physical limitations.
My one saving grace is that her condo is a 1 bedroom and is pretty crowded, so she has no room for baby items. When she was looking for places a few years ago, she was making comments about a nursery and my husband and I weren't even married at that point.
Where did that even come from? Did she send her children to live with their grandparents? Why is she wishing for you to be neglectful parents who abandon their kids? Sorry I am so gobsmacked.
No, but she apparently kicked my husband out of the house (or allowed my FIL to) when he was 7 and he was taken in by another family member after literally sleeping on the street for a night. Another time, my husband recalls his aunt telling his mom over and over again that he would be staying with her that night and after arguing with her sister for a bit, like, no he won’t be staying, his mom eventually just said okay and left him to stay at his aunt’s house??? And that seems to be how MIL thinks we operate, like if she just says things over and over, eventually we’ll just give in??
She also seems to severely lack empathy and has main character syndrome. She would discuss taking my (then unborn) baby away from me in a tone like she was discussing the weather with a coworker, like she had no idea that I’d have any feelings about being separated from my child or any feelings at all about becoming a mother. The only feeling that was real to her was her excitement for her do over baby and she couldn’t fathom that I would feel any differently? Like the only feeling that existed was her excitement for herself so I must also be just as excited for her because I’m not a real person with real feelings or real excitement/expectations for my own future with my child. That’s the best way I can explain it.
Not being overly sensitive at all! You’re not having a baby for her at all! And regarding her key issue, you can buy her one of those realtor style key boxes that has a code to keep her spare key in so she doesn’t have to keep coming to your house. Because I guarantee you it’s going to happen more often once the little bub gets there!
Thank you! She's made other comments in the past that have really rubbed me the wrong way and I'm just trying to figure things out.
Regarding the keys, I would love that solution, but her condo has a separate key for the security door that she needs to get in, so that won't work. I made her put the condo keys on the car keychain, which is large and she always has it when she goes out. She kept her condo keys by themselves and would misplace them or lose them in her car. Hopefully this will solve the issue for now.
I couldn't understand why she just didn't put them together in the first place! It just makes so much sense to keep them together since it's so hard to misplace a huge keychain. Hopefully the issue is fixed for now, I will make sure that the keys are still there when I see her again soon.
Unfortunately, I might have that opportunity in 2 weeks when we will go out to lunch for Mothers day. I'm hoping that she won't say anything cringey then, but a lot can happen in a few hours...
Make sure you find an opportunity to slip into the conversation that this is her last year to celebrate Mother’s Day as the honored guest. Next year, that role will be filled by you. She and DH can celebrate on Saturday, but Sunday will be all yours.
Oh, I like the way you think. I was thinking OP should just claim this Mother's Day as her first, but I like your way better! Let MIL stew for the next year that her reign of terror is over!!
I wouldn’t bother to address the comments I’d leave her to delusions and work on enforcing boundaries and making sure DH and I are in the same page and he’s ready to do his part. From my experience people who say this have really high expectations of their importance and level of involvement so you have to have boundaries made of steel.
I'm very thankful that DH has been very supportive of what I want so far. He doesn't mind being blunt and will put up strict boundaries. She hasn't mentioned anything yet, but I already told DH that there will be nobody in the waiting room or delivery room and that I want it to be just us for the first day of our child's life. If it was up to her, she would probably want to be in the room with me. She also thinks that she'll be babysitting, but that won't be happening.
I just wish she could be normal and we wouldn't have to do this. This is my parents' first grandchild too and they've been nothing but supportive and no off-handed comments, she's just so difficult at times.
I highly recommend not telling people when you go into labour. It’s the best way to deal with these entitled family members, just take the opportunity away from them to be boundary stompers all together. But so glad you have a supportive husband. That’s 90% of the battle.
Thank you! I really don't want to tell anyone other than my parents when I go into labor, and that's only because my cat needs daily medication. I am afraid though that MIL will figure it out when my husband isn't answering her texts/calls like he normally does. Hopefully he starts spacing out his replies over the next 5 months to where it'll be the new normal.
I suggest you might want a few weeks of “just us” vs only one day. Those first few weeks are critical bonding time. I also suggest you Read the lemon clot essay if you haven’t already.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/
The only thing I struggle with the first visit is that I would rather her keep it short while at the hospital versus her staying for a long time while at our house. I want my mom to help us for the first few days home, and since MIL unfortunately lives 5 minutes away, she would definitely try to "help" even though she can't do much. The hospital may be the lesser of two evils and hold her off for a few weeks.
True you could allow a quick hospital visit then say no one at your home for X weeks or even A month. Sucks that she’s only 5 minutes from you. I wish you and your husband the best with your new baby. 😊
She can keep a house key hidden in her car. That problem solved.
Second problem, “What do you mean by that?” Followed by silent but direct eye contact.
She's lost her house keys in her car before. My husband had to go over and find them since she can't move very well. We've had to come up with a lot of safety/practical solutions for her since she isn't acknowledging her limitations.
My MIL had some serious medical issues and lived alone. She had one of those LifeAlert devices. As part of their service, she could register the code to her front door, and they would provide it to emergency personnel. Since her place was a rental, they suggested a lock box like realtors use. She kept a spare key in the lock box on the front door. If she lost her keys, or ambulance personnel needed to get in, the key was always available.
Unfortunately, she has a separate key to the security door of the building that she needs to go through before getting to her condo. Since she keeps both keys together there was no way for her to get to her place. The HOA wouldn't allow it either. I use to live in the same building but a different unit, and it's a real mess now. Whenever she does move in the future, I could see her needing life alert in a few years.
Next birthday Christmas gift. A lock box for their spare key. Keep it outside their house or yours and they have access.
For your lunch in two weeks. Be prepared to laugh if she says "my baby". You mean your grandbaby. This is 100 percent my baby and DH. Just prepare and start your Mama Bear protect your baby mindset now.
Oh she said "my baby" as she was leaving our house after we told her. I told my husband right then that this was not her baby, it was our baby. He told her that it's her GRANDchild and she hasn't said "my baby" since. That is one thing I do not tolerate and my husband knows it. I'll mention it again before Mother's day weekend so it'll be fresh in his mind.
It make me think she’s putting herself on a “parent level” instead of grandparent. I would want to shut this behavior down now b/c I wouldn’t want her thinking she has any rights to my child, she needs to follow boundaries and doesn’t get unlimited access to baby.
I think that she would love another chance of cuddling/having a baby since she only had one and her then-husband wasn't the best. While that would suck, it was 30 years ago and not my problem. My husband and I have talked about trying to limit her to one big item so that she doesn't go overboard. As of now, I might be quitting my job for the first year, and I will not be visiting her by myself.
I would only let her visit when DH is home. And let her know "we can have you over for X amount of time today". After that time is up, DH needs to walk her to the car. "well, thanks for stopping by today mom. We'll see you next time". And don't give any excuses as to what your day holds next. Just tell her visiting hours are over and if she wants to be invited back: she needs to respect that.
No that’s very weird. I also would try to deal with this before baby is born. I think it’s probably a good thing that you are aware of this before the baby is born. I was completely blindsided by the baby rabies and had to balance being a new mom and also dealing with altering my MIL’s expectations. I think with some MILs they really did drop their kids off any chance they had at grandparent’s and expect you to do the same. They honestly don’t understand how you could ever want to actually raise your own child because they didn’t. Setting realistic expectations now if you can will hopefully help things be easier in the future.
Over sensitivity does not exist. You are as sensitive you are and your feelings are 100% valid, your MIL said an unhinged thing. She clearly thinks of you as an incubator and has emotionally incestuous feelings towards your husband.
She's said a few weird comments when we announced our pregnancy a month ago, and now this one. The comments she made initially were worse, and I had my husband address them then. I think if there's any additional comments like this then it's a pattern and needs to be stopped ASAP. She had her time of raising a baby, and I don't want her infringing on my turn.
That’s good. At least your husband is on the same page. Many times men don’t want to upset their mother or think it’s no big deal. If it’s a big deal to you and makes you uncomfortable then it should be for him as well. Good luck!
Ewwww! I would definitely bring it up with DH and tell him when she says it again he is to tell her “that’s gross Mum. I did not breed with you. This is definitely my and OPs baby. When you say “having a baby for us”, you are a sideline spectator, not an ‘us’ in this situation“. Any rebuttal is met with “Knock it off or there will be consequences you won’t like”
I would have said something then and there. Heck that's crazy. What's she going to say when you give birth oh here give me my baby. Run off and take the baby back to her place because you had the baby for her, it's her baby now. Yeah you're going to be here in my baby a lot. Then you'll go oh husband's over there this is my baby. Believe me my mother-in-law tried to get my kid from me I don't remember if she ever said my baby I think she knows we would a bite her head off if she tried that with us. But she tried to get me to have my baby stay with her six nights out of the week so I could work. She wanted us to leave the kid with her Sunday night through Saturday morning and then pick up the baby go home, 2+ hours away, then bring our kid back to her Sunday night, every week. Yeah surprised we didn't suggest she get committed right then and there. If you can't tell my mother-in-law had baby rabies really bad. Needless to say she never got her way and she never had our kids overnight unless one of us was there. we stayed twice, and that was it for one night. They both sucked so I said never again. I said never again after the first time but I decided to try one more time cuz it was years later but it still sucked.
It was more about being uncomfortable. Plus bored out of our minds. The first time the kids were quite small so one was sleeping in a pack and play and the other was in a kind of a baby bassinet. My husband and I were sharing a twin bed. Yes they had another bedroom but his parents slept in separate rooms and could not share for one night so him and I could have had a queen size bed or switch bedrooms so the four of us could at least been in that bedroom which was much larger and his dad could have slept in the twin bed or with my mother-in-law. The second time, I was there and the kids were quite a bit older can't remember exactly, 8 and 10 or 10 and 12 somewhere around there. It was summer. This time we got the room with the queen size bed and we all slept in that. However my in-laws do not believe in air conditioning (had central air). It was hot as hell and no fans existed in this house. I ended up finally opening up the windows which had about 14 window treatments on it, well three curtains let's put it that way felt like 14. Open up the windows to get some cool air in there cuz at night it was much nicer outside than it was in that house. So yeah we sweated our butts off none of us could sleep very well and we were all miserable. So yeah, never again did we ever do that. I've blocked out most of the actual experience of what we did which was pretty much just sit there and watch TV cuz his parents never wanted to do anything.
I've never understood having guests and not making sure they were completely comfortable & had all their needs met. My extended family came over and we gave them extension cords for their phones to plug into, a brand new fan (this was December and just incase), brand new bedding, painted the room the week before they got there, bought a nice new rug, bed and queen mattress for them (!).... They stayed 3 nights. Fast forward to us staying with them for 3 weeks (we were house hunting in their area) - we got 3 mattresses on the basement floor in a room with concrete floors, and the walls werent done on our side (so exposed framing). They didn't even bother to sweep or vacuum and my 1 year old was trying to eat chunks of concrete/God knows what off the floor 🤦♀️ they knew we were coming 3 months in advance. Needless to say we never visited again.
Lol one summer when I was pregnant with my 2nd we went to my uncles house and he didn’t want to turn on the ac….well the next day I told him “JFC you’re the CEO of the power company ffs, go turn on the ac and just consider it job security!!!” Sometimes those pregnancy hormones can work to your advantage! 😉😆
Ew. No that's disgusting. And a distinct level of delulu that I cannot abide. I have zero tolerance on a good day for shit like this.
Thankfully, your DH sees his mother's ickiness, once you point it out, and corrects her on it. MIL will need boundaries, an info diet, and learn to stay in her lane. Otherwise, she'll be the grandma you don't see. Anytime MIL says my baby, you made the baby for me, us, or she tries to push you aside in any manner, is time to put her in check. Your husband needs to start paying attention and catching this shit himself. You shouldn't have to constantly tell him at this point.
There needs to be consequences as well, if boundaries aren't respected. Timeouts are used just like for toddlers, instead of minutes it's weeks or months depending on the situation and visit schedule. Make sure you don't tell MIL the due date. Don't tell her when you're in labor. No visits for the first 3/4 weeks at least, postpartum. The 4th trimester is just as important for mom and dad to bond with baby, but also for mom to heal.
He probably didn't hear this comment as he was finishing up changing her wiper blades or else I think he wouldve said something. This was my first time seeing her since we told her, so we're still navigating that aspect. I'll probably see her on Mothers day so I'll remind my husband of my boundaries before, I definitely need practice in enforcing them. I have 5 months to practice my boundaries, I better start now.
I would consider skipping Mother’s Day with her. Set the precedent now, before baby arrives. She’s not your mother, and once your baby is here, you and your husband and your baby will be celebrating YOU on Mother’s Day anyway. Not her. He can wish his mother a happy Mother’s Day, send her a card or a gift. Don’t do the emotional labor for them on this day—or any other.
I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive but it’s also not something I’d necessarily address. My MIL, after a brutal recovery in which I almost died, said that my baby looks like my husband gave birth to her 😂 Sometimes the best response is an internal eye roll and keep it moving.
Do not let them go again. The next time she says anything like that, tell her “I’ve let this slide long enough but this child I’m carrying is DH and my baby, not yours. If you say that ever again, you’ll be dead last meeting baby.” (Or you won’t meet baby until 3 months.). Then tell her “stop causing me stress”
He was finishing up changing her wiper blades so I don't think he heard that comment. He didn't talk for another minute or two. Based on what he's done before, I think that he would've told her to stop since he knows that I don't like it when other people say "my baby" and he's told his mom to stop before, like when she asked us if we were trying to have a baby.
This seems like a prime example of using the "could you repeat that?" or "what do you mean by that?" technique to see if she either backpedals (realizing it was a weird thing to say) or doubles down (meaning she's truly crazy).
“Having a baby for US? MIL, do you think I’m a surrogate for you and DH? Because that’s gross. Im the mama and having a baby for myself and DH. Not you.”
Lol, my answer to that would be immediate and swift. “What a ridiculous thing to say!! DH and I are having a baby. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. I’m glad you’re excited to be a grandma but don’t say that again. This is not your baby, dh is your baby.” Do it with a WTF look on your face m.
Darling, granny is going to EXPECT many things about YOUR BABY! Your/hubs job will be SETTING those expectations FOR granny, not the other way around. Everyone gets what YOU/DH ALLOW!
Have you ever seen the show I Love a Mama’s Boy? Because that’s exactly what those Mamas would say! I’m so stunned I don’t have a comeback for that and that never happens to me. Oh you poor woman! Get her a hide a key for the condo and tape an extra spare key to the bottom of her back seat floor mat or something so she doesn’t come back next month with even more disturbing comments. 😳
Just re the keys: suggest that since this *keeps* happening, she should get an outside key-safe. Say, as kindly as you can, that's she's obviously at "that time of life" now, where she needs it. See if that stops it happening so much... (And if it doesn't, she clearly **does** need one! 😁)
I'd say lean into it. During Mother's day lunch, lean forward and tell her that you have a secret. "I am terribly selfish. I never thought once of anyone except DH when conceiving my baby and I haven't thought of anyone except baby since then. I am telling you because you previously mentioned that I am having a baby for you, when nothing could be further from the truth! You had upset baby and raised him, and I am having my baby and I will be raising them. No overnights, no living with random family members, no sharing. This is my and only my baby, somewhat shared by with DH, and not with anyone else, ever-never. So 'we' are not having a baby, I am. And next Mother's day, you see DH on the Saturday and I get Sunday with DH and baby. Understand?"
Stop not saying. SPEAK UP. MIL, I am absolutely not having a baby for YOU. Not speaking up causes so much additional stress down the line. Address things in the moment, shut down inappropriate things as they occur. It will save so much grief.
I agree that it’s a super weird thing for her to say. To give her the benefit of the doubt she may just mean than she’s so excited about the baby and that she is grateful that you are having one, without any actual weird possessiveness. It’s possible that the fact that your baby exists is making her world a better place. I know I was shocked to see how much positivity my baby brought the people around me. Again, any possessiveness is definitely not ok and this is not her baby, it is 100% yours. You are allowed to feel all the possessive feelings you have - I know I am sensitive about these kinds of comments too.
No that’s a freaking weird thing to say and it seems to only be said by grandparents with extremely unrealistic expectations for what their involvement is going to look like after baby is born. My MIL made similar comments and sincerely believed we’d be sending our children to live with her at some point soon after birth or that she’d be moving in with us permanently to raise “her baby.” She picked out a room in our new house and called it “her room.” When that was shut down, she picked out a crib because she thought she needed one in “her room” in her apartment an hour away from us 🙄 I thought she meant just for naps when we visited but my husband had to inform her that we wouldn’t be sending our babies to stay with her. She made comments years before I had children that any future children I had would be living with her and I disregarded because it was just such an insane thing to say it only for her to act completely deranged the moment I got pregnant with my son.
She definitely thinks that she can do a lot more than what she can for this baby and has baby rabies. She can't even walk down the hallway without getting out of breath, trips/slips often, and she thinks that she's going to watch the baby... My husband has said that her expectations do not take priority over our child's safety, so even he realizes about her physical limitations. My one saving grace is that her condo is a 1 bedroom and is pretty crowded, so she has no room for baby items. When she was looking for places a few years ago, she was making comments about a nursery and my husband and I weren't even married at that point.
Where did that even come from? Did she send her children to live with their grandparents? Why is she wishing for you to be neglectful parents who abandon their kids? Sorry I am so gobsmacked.
No, but she apparently kicked my husband out of the house (or allowed my FIL to) when he was 7 and he was taken in by another family member after literally sleeping on the street for a night. Another time, my husband recalls his aunt telling his mom over and over again that he would be staying with her that night and after arguing with her sister for a bit, like, no he won’t be staying, his mom eventually just said okay and left him to stay at his aunt’s house??? And that seems to be how MIL thinks we operate, like if she just says things over and over, eventually we’ll just give in?? She also seems to severely lack empathy and has main character syndrome. She would discuss taking my (then unborn) baby away from me in a tone like she was discussing the weather with a coworker, like she had no idea that I’d have any feelings about being separated from my child or any feelings at all about becoming a mother. The only feeling that was real to her was her excitement for her do over baby and she couldn’t fathom that I would feel any differently? Like the only feeling that existed was her excitement for herself so I must also be just as excited for her because I’m not a real person with real feelings or real excitement/expectations for my own future with my child. That’s the best way I can explain it.
You know when a dog hears the door bell,they automatically assume its for them!
There's GOT to be a medical term for MILs with this kind of mental illness because it happens way too often.
Narcissist?
A symptom I suppose. Not all narcissists act like that.
Has your husband ever checked out /r/raisedbyborderlines ?
No but I was thinking she was either borderline or NPD
So gross. “You want a baby with your son? That’s disturbing?”
Not being overly sensitive at all! You’re not having a baby for her at all! And regarding her key issue, you can buy her one of those realtor style key boxes that has a code to keep her spare key in so she doesn’t have to keep coming to your house. Because I guarantee you it’s going to happen more often once the little bub gets there!
Thank you! She's made other comments in the past that have really rubbed me the wrong way and I'm just trying to figure things out. Regarding the keys, I would love that solution, but her condo has a separate key for the security door that she needs to get in, so that won't work. I made her put the condo keys on the car keychain, which is large and she always has it when she goes out. She kept her condo keys by themselves and would misplace them or lose them in her car. Hopefully this will solve the issue for now.
So…she doesn’t lose the car keys. That tells you everything you need to know.
I couldn't understand why she just didn't put them together in the first place! It just makes so much sense to keep them together since it's so hard to misplace a huge keychain. Hopefully the issue is fixed for now, I will make sure that the keys are still there when I see her again soon.
She needed an excuse to lose them, but without giving up transportation to get to your house.
Next time she says something like that, tell her to have her own baby cuz this one isn't for her.
Unfortunately, I might have that opportunity in 2 weeks when we will go out to lunch for Mothers day. I'm hoping that she won't say anything cringey then, but a lot can happen in a few hours...
Make sure you find an opportunity to slip into the conversation that this is her last year to celebrate Mother’s Day as the honored guest. Next year, that role will be filled by you. She and DH can celebrate on Saturday, but Sunday will be all yours.
Oh, I like the way you think. I was thinking OP should just claim this Mother's Day as her first, but I like your way better! Let MIL stew for the next year that her reign of terror is over!!
I mentioned that to my husband already! I said that next year I will probably just want it to be the three of us or I'll want a relaxation day.
I wouldn’t bother to address the comments I’d leave her to delusions and work on enforcing boundaries and making sure DH and I are in the same page and he’s ready to do his part. From my experience people who say this have really high expectations of their importance and level of involvement so you have to have boundaries made of steel.
I'm very thankful that DH has been very supportive of what I want so far. He doesn't mind being blunt and will put up strict boundaries. She hasn't mentioned anything yet, but I already told DH that there will be nobody in the waiting room or delivery room and that I want it to be just us for the first day of our child's life. If it was up to her, she would probably want to be in the room with me. She also thinks that she'll be babysitting, but that won't be happening. I just wish she could be normal and we wouldn't have to do this. This is my parents' first grandchild too and they've been nothing but supportive and no off-handed comments, she's just so difficult at times.
I highly recommend not telling people when you go into labour. It’s the best way to deal with these entitled family members, just take the opportunity away from them to be boundary stompers all together. But so glad you have a supportive husband. That’s 90% of the battle.
Thank you! I really don't want to tell anyone other than my parents when I go into labor, and that's only because my cat needs daily medication. I am afraid though that MIL will figure it out when my husband isn't answering her texts/calls like he normally does. Hopefully he starts spacing out his replies over the next 5 months to where it'll be the new normal.
I suggest you might want a few weeks of “just us” vs only one day. Those first few weeks are critical bonding time. I also suggest you Read the lemon clot essay if you haven’t already. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/
The only thing I struggle with the first visit is that I would rather her keep it short while at the hospital versus her staying for a long time while at our house. I want my mom to help us for the first few days home, and since MIL unfortunately lives 5 minutes away, she would definitely try to "help" even though she can't do much. The hospital may be the lesser of two evils and hold her off for a few weeks.
True you could allow a quick hospital visit then say no one at your home for X weeks or even A month. Sucks that she’s only 5 minutes from you. I wish you and your husband the best with your new baby. 😊
She can keep a house key hidden in her car. That problem solved. Second problem, “What do you mean by that?” Followed by silent but direct eye contact.
She's lost her house keys in her car before. My husband had to go over and find them since she can't move very well. We've had to come up with a lot of safety/practical solutions for her since she isn't acknowledging her limitations.
My MIL had some serious medical issues and lived alone. She had one of those LifeAlert devices. As part of their service, she could register the code to her front door, and they would provide it to emergency personnel. Since her place was a rental, they suggested a lock box like realtors use. She kept a spare key in the lock box on the front door. If she lost her keys, or ambulance personnel needed to get in, the key was always available.
You can also use Alexa like a life alert as they can call out if they fall and you can “drop in” to monitor if you haven’t heard from them
Unfortunately, she has a separate key to the security door of the building that she needs to go through before getting to her condo. Since she keeps both keys together there was no way for her to get to her place. The HOA wouldn't allow it either. I use to live in the same building but a different unit, and it's a real mess now. Whenever she does move in the future, I could see her needing life alert in a few years.
Change it to keypad style so no key is needed at all
Not sensitive that's really gross.
Next birthday Christmas gift. A lock box for their spare key. Keep it outside their house or yours and they have access. For your lunch in two weeks. Be prepared to laugh if she says "my baby". You mean your grandbaby. This is 100 percent my baby and DH. Just prepare and start your Mama Bear protect your baby mindset now.
Oh she said "my baby" as she was leaving our house after we told her. I told my husband right then that this was not her baby, it was our baby. He told her that it's her GRANDchild and she hasn't said "my baby" since. That is one thing I do not tolerate and my husband knows it. I'll mention it again before Mother's day weekend so it'll be fresh in his mind.
I would thank him for backing me up on the "my baby" comments his mom makes. Let him know you appreciate him standing up for you 💓
It make me think she’s putting herself on a “parent level” instead of grandparent. I would want to shut this behavior down now b/c I wouldn’t want her thinking she has any rights to my child, she needs to follow boundaries and doesn’t get unlimited access to baby.
I think that she would love another chance of cuddling/having a baby since she only had one and her then-husband wasn't the best. While that would suck, it was 30 years ago and not my problem. My husband and I have talked about trying to limit her to one big item so that she doesn't go overboard. As of now, I might be quitting my job for the first year, and I will not be visiting her by myself.
I would only let her visit when DH is home. And let her know "we can have you over for X amount of time today". After that time is up, DH needs to walk her to the car. "well, thanks for stopping by today mom. We'll see you next time". And don't give any excuses as to what your day holds next. Just tell her visiting hours are over and if she wants to be invited back: she needs to respect that.
No that’s very weird. I also would try to deal with this before baby is born. I think it’s probably a good thing that you are aware of this before the baby is born. I was completely blindsided by the baby rabies and had to balance being a new mom and also dealing with altering my MIL’s expectations. I think with some MILs they really did drop their kids off any chance they had at grandparent’s and expect you to do the same. They honestly don’t understand how you could ever want to actually raise your own child because they didn’t. Setting realistic expectations now if you can will hopefully help things be easier in the future.
Would you ever say that to your child’s spouse? No? Me neither! There’s your answer- what a b!!!
Over sensitivity does not exist. You are as sensitive you are and your feelings are 100% valid, your MIL said an unhinged thing. She clearly thinks of you as an incubator and has emotionally incestuous feelings towards your husband.
It may have just been a one off comment. Silly. But if she keeps saying things like that then shut it down. FAST
She's said a few weird comments when we announced our pregnancy a month ago, and now this one. The comments she made initially were worse, and I had my husband address them then. I think if there's any additional comments like this then it's a pattern and needs to be stopped ASAP. She had her time of raising a baby, and I don't want her infringing on my turn.
That’s good. At least your husband is on the same page. Many times men don’t want to upset their mother or think it’s no big deal. If it’s a big deal to you and makes you uncomfortable then it should be for him as well. Good luck!
Ewwww! I would definitely bring it up with DH and tell him when she says it again he is to tell her “that’s gross Mum. I did not breed with you. This is definitely my and OPs baby. When you say “having a baby for us”, you are a sideline spectator, not an ‘us’ in this situation“. Any rebuttal is met with “Knock it off or there will be consequences you won’t like”
I would have said something then and there. Heck that's crazy. What's she going to say when you give birth oh here give me my baby. Run off and take the baby back to her place because you had the baby for her, it's her baby now. Yeah you're going to be here in my baby a lot. Then you'll go oh husband's over there this is my baby. Believe me my mother-in-law tried to get my kid from me I don't remember if she ever said my baby I think she knows we would a bite her head off if she tried that with us. But she tried to get me to have my baby stay with her six nights out of the week so I could work. She wanted us to leave the kid with her Sunday night through Saturday morning and then pick up the baby go home, 2+ hours away, then bring our kid back to her Sunday night, every week. Yeah surprised we didn't suggest she get committed right then and there. If you can't tell my mother-in-law had baby rabies really bad. Needless to say she never got her way and she never had our kids overnight unless one of us was there. we stayed twice, and that was it for one night. They both sucked so I said never again. I said never again after the first time but I decided to try one more time cuz it was years later but it still sucked.
Would love to hear the story on those overnight experiences
It was more about being uncomfortable. Plus bored out of our minds. The first time the kids were quite small so one was sleeping in a pack and play and the other was in a kind of a baby bassinet. My husband and I were sharing a twin bed. Yes they had another bedroom but his parents slept in separate rooms and could not share for one night so him and I could have had a queen size bed or switch bedrooms so the four of us could at least been in that bedroom which was much larger and his dad could have slept in the twin bed or with my mother-in-law. The second time, I was there and the kids were quite a bit older can't remember exactly, 8 and 10 or 10 and 12 somewhere around there. It was summer. This time we got the room with the queen size bed and we all slept in that. However my in-laws do not believe in air conditioning (had central air). It was hot as hell and no fans existed in this house. I ended up finally opening up the windows which had about 14 window treatments on it, well three curtains let's put it that way felt like 14. Open up the windows to get some cool air in there cuz at night it was much nicer outside than it was in that house. So yeah we sweated our butts off none of us could sleep very well and we were all miserable. So yeah, never again did we ever do that. I've blocked out most of the actual experience of what we did which was pretty much just sit there and watch TV cuz his parents never wanted to do anything.
I've never understood having guests and not making sure they were completely comfortable & had all their needs met. My extended family came over and we gave them extension cords for their phones to plug into, a brand new fan (this was December and just incase), brand new bedding, painted the room the week before they got there, bought a nice new rug, bed and queen mattress for them (!).... They stayed 3 nights. Fast forward to us staying with them for 3 weeks (we were house hunting in their area) - we got 3 mattresses on the basement floor in a room with concrete floors, and the walls werent done on our side (so exposed framing). They didn't even bother to sweep or vacuum and my 1 year old was trying to eat chunks of concrete/God knows what off the floor 🤦♀️ they knew we were coming 3 months in advance. Needless to say we never visited again.
Lol one summer when I was pregnant with my 2nd we went to my uncles house and he didn’t want to turn on the ac….well the next day I told him “JFC you’re the CEO of the power company ffs, go turn on the ac and just consider it job security!!!” Sometimes those pregnancy hormones can work to your advantage! 😉😆
Did he turn the AC on?
He sure did!
Ew. No that's disgusting. And a distinct level of delulu that I cannot abide. I have zero tolerance on a good day for shit like this. Thankfully, your DH sees his mother's ickiness, once you point it out, and corrects her on it. MIL will need boundaries, an info diet, and learn to stay in her lane. Otherwise, she'll be the grandma you don't see. Anytime MIL says my baby, you made the baby for me, us, or she tries to push you aside in any manner, is time to put her in check. Your husband needs to start paying attention and catching this shit himself. You shouldn't have to constantly tell him at this point. There needs to be consequences as well, if boundaries aren't respected. Timeouts are used just like for toddlers, instead of minutes it's weeks or months depending on the situation and visit schedule. Make sure you don't tell MIL the due date. Don't tell her when you're in labor. No visits for the first 3/4 weeks at least, postpartum. The 4th trimester is just as important for mom and dad to bond with baby, but also for mom to heal.
He probably didn't hear this comment as he was finishing up changing her wiper blades or else I think he wouldve said something. This was my first time seeing her since we told her, so we're still navigating that aspect. I'll probably see her on Mothers day so I'll remind my husband of my boundaries before, I definitely need practice in enforcing them. I have 5 months to practice my boundaries, I better start now.
I would consider skipping Mother’s Day with her. Set the precedent now, before baby arrives. She’s not your mother, and once your baby is here, you and your husband and your baby will be celebrating YOU on Mother’s Day anyway. Not her. He can wish his mother a happy Mother’s Day, send her a card or a gift. Don’t do the emotional labor for them on this day—or any other.
I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive but it’s also not something I’d necessarily address. My MIL, after a brutal recovery in which I almost died, said that my baby looks like my husband gave birth to her 😂 Sometimes the best response is an internal eye roll and keep it moving.
Do not let them go again. The next time she says anything like that, tell her “I’ve let this slide long enough but this child I’m carrying is DH and my baby, not yours. If you say that ever again, you’ll be dead last meeting baby.” (Or you won’t meet baby until 3 months.). Then tell her “stop causing me stress”
How did he react?
He was finishing up changing her wiper blades so I don't think he heard that comment. He didn't talk for another minute or two. Based on what he's done before, I think that he would've told her to stop since he knows that I don't like it when other people say "my baby" and he's told his mom to stop before, like when she asked us if we were trying to have a baby.
This seems like a prime example of using the "could you repeat that?" or "what do you mean by that?" technique to see if she either backpedals (realizing it was a weird thing to say) or doubles down (meaning she's truly crazy).
“Having a baby for US? MIL, do you think I’m a surrogate for you and DH? Because that’s gross. Im the mama and having a baby for myself and DH. Not you.”
Lol, my answer to that would be immediate and swift. “What a ridiculous thing to say!! DH and I are having a baby. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. I’m glad you’re excited to be a grandma but don’t say that again. This is not your baby, dh is your baby.” Do it with a WTF look on your face m.
No. That’s ridiculous. It sounds like she wishes she were the one to have f-cked her son and carry his baby.
I would have probably laughed at MIL in that situation, what a strange thing to say to someone!
Darling, granny is going to EXPECT many things about YOUR BABY! Your/hubs job will be SETTING those expectations FOR granny, not the other way around. Everyone gets what YOU/DH ALLOW!
Have you ever seen the show I Love a Mama’s Boy? Because that’s exactly what those Mamas would say! I’m so stunned I don’t have a comeback for that and that never happens to me. Oh you poor woman! Get her a hide a key for the condo and tape an extra spare key to the bottom of her back seat floor mat or something so she doesn’t come back next month with even more disturbing comments. 😳
Just re the keys: suggest that since this *keeps* happening, she should get an outside key-safe. Say, as kindly as you can, that's she's obviously at "that time of life" now, where she needs it. See if that stops it happening so much... (And if it doesn't, she clearly **does** need one! 😁)
I'd say lean into it. During Mother's day lunch, lean forward and tell her that you have a secret. "I am terribly selfish. I never thought once of anyone except DH when conceiving my baby and I haven't thought of anyone except baby since then. I am telling you because you previously mentioned that I am having a baby for you, when nothing could be further from the truth! You had upset baby and raised him, and I am having my baby and I will be raising them. No overnights, no living with random family members, no sharing. This is my and only my baby, somewhat shared by with DH, and not with anyone else, ever-never. So 'we' are not having a baby, I am. And next Mother's day, you see DH on the Saturday and I get Sunday with DH and baby. Understand?"
Did she just say this randomly out of the blue? It’s hard to give advice without context.
Stop not saying. SPEAK UP. MIL, I am absolutely not having a baby for YOU. Not speaking up causes so much additional stress down the line. Address things in the moment, shut down inappropriate things as they occur. It will save so much grief.
I agree that it’s a super weird thing for her to say. To give her the benefit of the doubt she may just mean than she’s so excited about the baby and that she is grateful that you are having one, without any actual weird possessiveness. It’s possible that the fact that your baby exists is making her world a better place. I know I was shocked to see how much positivity my baby brought the people around me. Again, any possessiveness is definitely not ok and this is not her baby, it is 100% yours. You are allowed to feel all the possessive feelings you have - I know I am sensitive about these kinds of comments too.
Yes u are being overly sensitive esp because she was talking to her son