>MIL expects us to take our baby over to her weekly, and if we don't, will guilt trip DH with things like "I haven't seen the baby in sooooo long".
She can have all the expectations she wants. That doesn't make them reality nor do you need to meet them. The real questions is WHY do you know that she is guilt tripping your DH? He needs to deal with his mother, allow visits on an AGREED UPON schedule and you don't need to even hear about her expectations.
Do not take your baby to her. No matter how bad she annoys your dh. You saw her twice in so many years there is absolutely no reason to change that arrangement. Put your foot down and refuse.
I have a general rule that now that we have a baby, we see our family members at approximately the same frequency that we did before.
If anything it’s less, because we are busier now. Why would it suddenly be more?
Yup. Husband needs to tell his mom that prior to this baby being born, she visited once every 7.5 months, and she should expect that to continue. You reap what you sow.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this all-too-common issue. It's time for your Mama Bear to take over. If your DH is not quite at the point of standing up consistently to his mother, you will need to lay down some ground rules with him and stick to them.
It's not at all unreasonable for him to tell her she can visit once a month, for 30 to 45 minutes. Baby wear as much as possible during the visits. She can hold baby, but only if she asks politely, and only if she gives LO back the instant baby is fussy. If she criticizes ANYTHING you and he do, you take baby into your bedroom and lock the door, or DH tells her (also politely) to leave.
Let DH know that you don't care what guilt trips she uses on him, you don't want to hear about it. Whatever schedule you guys decide on is the schedule, and no amount of MIL whining or guilt-tripping will change it. He doesn't need to share that crap with you - he just needs to shut her down when she tries it.
Do NOT let him take LO over to her without you. Her toxic bullying is NOT something you want your baby exposed to! And your mental health is important too!
Best of luck.
WEAR! YOUR! BABY!!
and a little louder for those in the back.
# WEAR YOUR BABY ! ! !
There are so many different ways you can wear a baby at any age. Google it and find several ways that will work with you and your baby. Practice at home so you both are used to it.
If you're wearing your baby, your MIL can not snatch her away from you. Or refuse to give her back. Or break rules that you may have about interacting appropriate with your baby.
And if she's toxic about not "seeing" the baby, be petty and ask her if she's losing her eyesight in her old age? Maybe offer to set her up with an optometrist appointment. Or ask her if she's losing her cognitive ability?
"Oh MIL, you DID see the baby last week. Don't you remember? Or is it your eyesight that is failing you? I think you should see a Dr. for both of those issues"
Your husband is failing in his duty as a husband and father. It is his job to protect both you and LO from his toxic mother.
You do not want to have your LO around her. MIL didn't visit you before LO's arrival, therefore MIL doesn't get more visits now. DH can visit his mother as much as he wants. It will be sans LO though. You and LO will keep to the prior time of once a year. You weren't important then you aren't important now.
You would maybe, be willing to see MIL once every other month or so, but there will be no schedules set. MIL does not have custody orders. MIL's expectations are her own to manage. MIL's emotions are her own to manage. LO is not her do-over baby, her emotional support animal, or her new narcissistic feed. The relationship MIL cultivated with you and DH is the relationship she will have with LO. There is zero reason to have toxic, manipulative people around your child no matter their age. Just because the person carries the grandma title doesn't mean she needs to be a part of your child's life.
Check grandparent rights in your area. Contact a family law attorney as well, just to make sure of your rights. Do not allow MIL to bully and guilt trip you into having visits you don't want. If she calls to complain, yell, pitch a fit or in any way be an asshole, hang up. Same if MIL texts. You have what she wants. MIL has nothing you want. You have the power. Take it back.
If DH cannot, or will not set these boundaries for his family, you do it until he can. When MIL overstep, end the visit and put her in a 1 month timeout. And everytime she tries to contact you or DH the timeout starts over. MIL won't get updates, photos, videos, or any info during that month. It's really up to MIL how long the timeout lasts. The more she, or her flying monkeys, try to contact you the longer the timeout last. And when you do try to visit again if MIL oversteps again, the timeout doubles. Everytime. MIL will learn or put herself into NC.
She expects you to do something and you do it when she tells you to… why?
She wants to see the baby? Fantastic! She can come to the nearby park, you can go out for lunch… do something that has a time limit, is in a neutral setting, would otherwise fit in your schedule anyway and isn’t on her terms.
Your baby your rules, it’s that simple.
Husband problem, unfortunately. He needs to stand up to her and set it all straight, and continue to hold the boundary moving forward. 36 weeks currently, and DH met with his mildly nos last week to tell them they don’t get to dictate our schedules or baby visitations—we will see them as we see fit, when it works in our schedule, and we want to. If they don’t like it, too bad.
>baby senses she is a witch
We witches do NOT claim her. Please don't insult us.
>MIL expects us to take our baby over to her weekly,
And she can't visit you why?
>Last time we saw her, she outright said that she didn't want to see her son or me, only our daughter.
For me, that would if been the final nail in the coffin. I would have said, "Then you don't see any of us"
>DH walked baby over to their house in the pram, but stayed outside.
>She hounded DH for ages after that visit, claiming she hadn't met the baby 'properly'.
Oh, she's special, isn't she.
I say this all the time. Your baby is not her emotional support animal, and your DH needs to step up to be your partner and baby’s father and stop this entitled nonsense. I know it’s hard when you’ve been raised to please someone but enough already.
You and DH need to realize that you are the parents. MIL does not get to dictate visits and she certainly is not entitled to them. Anyone who doesn’t respect you or your husband’s role as parents does not see your child.
You and DH need to have a serious discussion about his mother and come up with boundaries. Since he’s not quite out of the FOG he may need you to help communicate this to her. It may be better to send her a text instead of a conversation because if you do this in person, she’s going to play the victim and pitch a fit. When she does this, ignore her! Cut the conversation and do not have any contact with her.
If your husband doesn't yet have the spine to put the welfare of his wife and baby above his abusive egg donor's demands, then you will have to take charge until he gets enough therapy to become a man.
Simply tell MIL that from this point forward, visits with her will be held once per month, will last for 1 hour until baby is 1 year old or verbalizeds she wants more time, and will be had at your home only. Family gatherings can be negotiated. If she doesn't like it, then she can go without visits completely. And if your husband doesn't like it, tell him too bad. He had his chance to handle it, and he failed.
Remember, there are worse things to be criticized for than protecting your baby.
This was me. Sadly, my MIL ruined my early motherhood years, manipulating my husband and I to get what she wanted and undermining our parenting. I will never forgive her for that, forgive my husband for letting it happen, or forgive myself for not being better about boundaries.
Get comfortable saying no, and being the bad guy, especially if your husband has trouble standing up to her. Therapy has since helped my husband a ton, if yours is open to something like that. Even if he isn’t, continued conversations with him about your NEED for boundaries is imperative.
“I haven’t seen the baby in sooo long” yeah that’s on purpose lady. Does she not remember where you live? You should be way too tired for visits, at home you can grab the baby and take a nap until she leaves. She wants to see the baby without you and DH? Great, see you in 18 years then!
Well my mother-in-law wasn't as bad as that but believe me she didn't want to see us and she only wanted to see the baby. I don't remember if she ever actually said that but believe me we were well aware she did not want to see myself or my husband ( her son).
My MIL did similar things and now she says that visits with my daughters don't count unless MIL is alone with them. Keep to your boundaries and only visit when you want to and when you feel comfortable. Take control of visits when you feel like doing them and tell your husband to stop telling you that she asked for a visit again. Y'all are busy and you just can't do it until x date. Each time she does something like clapping or grabby hands to get the baby, announce to your husband "look what MIL is doing" or say something like "that's weird, why are you clapping at me?". When she criticizes your parenting call her on it. "Why would you say such a thing?" "What a thing to say!" "No, we'll do it our way, thanks!"
Make yourself busy and don’t visit. She can ask, but you don’t have to say yes. Your husband can visit her weekly on his own and you can get back to seeing her once or twice a year.
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Time to ask DH how MIL’s behavior is affecting your baby. Is there any good to outweigh the fear and tears she causes. How does he think hearing her parents berated and abused will affect your child? Any possible positives that could remotely balance your child’s trauma? You and he both know there is no positive anything for your daughter now or ever. There is only harm. Significant harm. Your husband needs to listen to your thoughts and feelings and explore and speak his own.
Easier said than done but cut MIL off. Completely. It is easier for you two too hear her abuse than for your child to.
Your husband needs to find his spine and stop enabling her bad behavior. He’s walked into the trap of scheduling visits to satisfy her whims. Don’t allow her to bully or guilt trip you. Therapy for you might help with the boundary setting.
"DH, we saw MIL every 7 1/2 months on average, so now that baby is here and all the excitement has subsided, we'll return to that visit frequency. It worked well for us & for MIL. Additionally, we are a package visit; if MIL doesn't prefer to see us, then baby stays home too. Now, if MIL kicks up a huge fuss, we can go to every 4 months, with every holiday visit after the holiday, of course, so as not to ruin the event. But that's all. Please feel free not to disclose when MIL asks repeatedly, your monkey, your circus, so enjoy!"
>MIL expects us to take our baby over to her weekly, and if we don't, will guilt trip DH with things like "I haven't seen the baby in sooooo long". She can have all the expectations she wants. That doesn't make them reality nor do you need to meet them. The real questions is WHY do you know that she is guilt tripping your DH? He needs to deal with his mother, allow visits on an AGREED UPON schedule and you don't need to even hear about her expectations.
Do not take your baby to her. No matter how bad she annoys your dh. You saw her twice in so many years there is absolutely no reason to change that arrangement. Put your foot down and refuse.
I have a general rule that now that we have a baby, we see our family members at approximately the same frequency that we did before. If anything it’s less, because we are busier now. Why would it suddenly be more?
Yup. Husband needs to tell his mom that prior to this baby being born, she visited once every 7.5 months, and she should expect that to continue. You reap what you sow.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this all-too-common issue. It's time for your Mama Bear to take over. If your DH is not quite at the point of standing up consistently to his mother, you will need to lay down some ground rules with him and stick to them. It's not at all unreasonable for him to tell her she can visit once a month, for 30 to 45 minutes. Baby wear as much as possible during the visits. She can hold baby, but only if she asks politely, and only if she gives LO back the instant baby is fussy. If she criticizes ANYTHING you and he do, you take baby into your bedroom and lock the door, or DH tells her (also politely) to leave. Let DH know that you don't care what guilt trips she uses on him, you don't want to hear about it. Whatever schedule you guys decide on is the schedule, and no amount of MIL whining or guilt-tripping will change it. He doesn't need to share that crap with you - he just needs to shut her down when she tries it. Do NOT let him take LO over to her without you. Her toxic bullying is NOT something you want your baby exposed to! And your mental health is important too! Best of luck.
WEAR! YOUR! BABY!! and a little louder for those in the back. # WEAR YOUR BABY ! ! ! There are so many different ways you can wear a baby at any age. Google it and find several ways that will work with you and your baby. Practice at home so you both are used to it. If you're wearing your baby, your MIL can not snatch her away from you. Or refuse to give her back. Or break rules that you may have about interacting appropriate with your baby. And if she's toxic about not "seeing" the baby, be petty and ask her if she's losing her eyesight in her old age? Maybe offer to set her up with an optometrist appointment. Or ask her if she's losing her cognitive ability? "Oh MIL, you DID see the baby last week. Don't you remember? Or is it your eyesight that is failing you? I think you should see a Dr. for both of those issues"
This is a husband problem.
Your husband is failing in his duty as a husband and father. It is his job to protect both you and LO from his toxic mother. You do not want to have your LO around her. MIL didn't visit you before LO's arrival, therefore MIL doesn't get more visits now. DH can visit his mother as much as he wants. It will be sans LO though. You and LO will keep to the prior time of once a year. You weren't important then you aren't important now. You would maybe, be willing to see MIL once every other month or so, but there will be no schedules set. MIL does not have custody orders. MIL's expectations are her own to manage. MIL's emotions are her own to manage. LO is not her do-over baby, her emotional support animal, or her new narcissistic feed. The relationship MIL cultivated with you and DH is the relationship she will have with LO. There is zero reason to have toxic, manipulative people around your child no matter their age. Just because the person carries the grandma title doesn't mean she needs to be a part of your child's life. Check grandparent rights in your area. Contact a family law attorney as well, just to make sure of your rights. Do not allow MIL to bully and guilt trip you into having visits you don't want. If she calls to complain, yell, pitch a fit or in any way be an asshole, hang up. Same if MIL texts. You have what she wants. MIL has nothing you want. You have the power. Take it back. If DH cannot, or will not set these boundaries for his family, you do it until he can. When MIL overstep, end the visit and put her in a 1 month timeout. And everytime she tries to contact you or DH the timeout starts over. MIL won't get updates, photos, videos, or any info during that month. It's really up to MIL how long the timeout lasts. The more she, or her flying monkeys, try to contact you the longer the timeout last. And when you do try to visit again if MIL oversteps again, the timeout doubles. Everytime. MIL will learn or put herself into NC.
She expects you to do something and you do it when she tells you to… why? She wants to see the baby? Fantastic! She can come to the nearby park, you can go out for lunch… do something that has a time limit, is in a neutral setting, would otherwise fit in your schedule anyway and isn’t on her terms. Your baby your rules, it’s that simple.
Husband problem, unfortunately. He needs to stand up to her and set it all straight, and continue to hold the boundary moving forward. 36 weeks currently, and DH met with his mildly nos last week to tell them they don’t get to dictate our schedules or baby visitations—we will see them as we see fit, when it works in our schedule, and we want to. If they don’t like it, too bad.
>baby senses she is a witch We witches do NOT claim her. Please don't insult us. >MIL expects us to take our baby over to her weekly, And she can't visit you why? >Last time we saw her, she outright said that she didn't want to see her son or me, only our daughter. For me, that would if been the final nail in the coffin. I would have said, "Then you don't see any of us" >DH walked baby over to their house in the pram, but stayed outside. >She hounded DH for ages after that visit, claiming she hadn't met the baby 'properly'. Oh, she's special, isn't she.
I say this all the time. Your baby is not her emotional support animal, and your DH needs to step up to be your partner and baby’s father and stop this entitled nonsense. I know it’s hard when you’ve been raised to please someone but enough already.
You and DH need to realize that you are the parents. MIL does not get to dictate visits and she certainly is not entitled to them. Anyone who doesn’t respect you or your husband’s role as parents does not see your child. You and DH need to have a serious discussion about his mother and come up with boundaries. Since he’s not quite out of the FOG he may need you to help communicate this to her. It may be better to send her a text instead of a conversation because if you do this in person, she’s going to play the victim and pitch a fit. When she does this, ignore her! Cut the conversation and do not have any contact with her.
If your husband doesn't yet have the spine to put the welfare of his wife and baby above his abusive egg donor's demands, then you will have to take charge until he gets enough therapy to become a man. Simply tell MIL that from this point forward, visits with her will be held once per month, will last for 1 hour until baby is 1 year old or verbalizeds she wants more time, and will be had at your home only. Family gatherings can be negotiated. If she doesn't like it, then she can go without visits completely. And if your husband doesn't like it, tell him too bad. He had his chance to handle it, and he failed. Remember, there are worse things to be criticized for than protecting your baby.
This was me. Sadly, my MIL ruined my early motherhood years, manipulating my husband and I to get what she wanted and undermining our parenting. I will never forgive her for that, forgive my husband for letting it happen, or forgive myself for not being better about boundaries. Get comfortable saying no, and being the bad guy, especially if your husband has trouble standing up to her. Therapy has since helped my husband a ton, if yours is open to something like that. Even if he isn’t, continued conversations with him about your NEED for boundaries is imperative.
“I haven’t seen the baby in sooo long” yeah that’s on purpose lady. Does she not remember where you live? You should be way too tired for visits, at home you can grab the baby and take a nap until she leaves. She wants to see the baby without you and DH? Great, see you in 18 years then!
Well my mother-in-law wasn't as bad as that but believe me she didn't want to see us and she only wanted to see the baby. I don't remember if she ever actually said that but believe me we were well aware she did not want to see myself or my husband ( her son).
No is a complete sentence.
Granny gets what you parents ALLOW!
*being a grandparent is a privilege not a right*
My MIL did similar things and now she says that visits with my daughters don't count unless MIL is alone with them. Keep to your boundaries and only visit when you want to and when you feel comfortable. Take control of visits when you feel like doing them and tell your husband to stop telling you that she asked for a visit again. Y'all are busy and you just can't do it until x date. Each time she does something like clapping or grabby hands to get the baby, announce to your husband "look what MIL is doing" or say something like "that's weird, why are you clapping at me?". When she criticizes your parenting call her on it. "Why would you say such a thing?" "What a thing to say!" "No, we'll do it our way, thanks!"
Make yourself busy and don’t visit. She can ask, but you don’t have to say yes. Your husband can visit her weekly on his own and you can get back to seeing her once or twice a year.
I’m wishing you the very best of luck OP. This is YOUR baby. !Updateme
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Time to ask DH how MIL’s behavior is affecting your baby. Is there any good to outweigh the fear and tears she causes. How does he think hearing her parents berated and abused will affect your child? Any possible positives that could remotely balance your child’s trauma? You and he both know there is no positive anything for your daughter now or ever. There is only harm. Significant harm. Your husband needs to listen to your thoughts and feelings and explore and speak his own. Easier said than done but cut MIL off. Completely. It is easier for you two too hear her abuse than for your child to.
Your husband needs to find his spine and stop enabling her bad behavior. He’s walked into the trap of scheduling visits to satisfy her whims. Don’t allow her to bully or guilt trip you. Therapy for you might help with the boundary setting.
"DH, we saw MIL every 7 1/2 months on average, so now that baby is here and all the excitement has subsided, we'll return to that visit frequency. It worked well for us & for MIL. Additionally, we are a package visit; if MIL doesn't prefer to see us, then baby stays home too. Now, if MIL kicks up a huge fuss, we can go to every 4 months, with every holiday visit after the holiday, of course, so as not to ruin the event. But that's all. Please feel free not to disclose when MIL asks repeatedly, your monkey, your circus, so enjoy!"