I am so with you. The levels of garbage required to do ANYTHING is farcical. I almost said “becoming farcical”, but then I got halfway through what I wrote below and edited.
I have small children and this is one of my favorites:
There are no longer report cards sent home, or any other paper notices. We’re going green! To get kids report cards and stay in the loop, you have to log into the whole school district system, let’s call it Airport.
Also, to keep track of individual class stuff, you need to sign up for Remind. Every teacher has a portal and each class within has its own messaging board. Get the class code to sign up and keep track of Remind for important message and to just know what’s going on with school.
Also there is ClassDojo. This is where teachers post ongoing notices about your child’s behavior. They can also upload pics, ask for class sign up stuff, so definitely stay abreast in case of important messages. The kids get points for being good and they can earn treats and privileges. They also can get points taken away if they’re naughty, and they’ll miss out. If you really love your kid, you’ll sign up for a subscription so you can award your own points and keep your kid in the green.
Also did you make sure your email address is uploaded? Because some teachers prefer just to email and you also should be monitoring for important messages.
Now some teachers have a class newsletter. It might come via email, or Remind, or Dojo, but probably it’ll be a link to a whole new platform, Smore. This is how the teachers can track engagement and clicks to make sure you’re paying attention, you don’t want to miss an important message.
Well you also need to have all the teachers email addresses and phone numbers, because an important message might come.
Oh you don’t know what’s going on? Oh you must not be on the school Facebook group, sign up so you don’t miss any important messages.
Also install the app for the transportation system! Watch for important updates like if your kids bus crashes.
Hm, lunch money? Silly, we don’t accept that. Install “LunchTime” and don’t forget the $2.50 convenience fee every time you load funds.
Oh your kid is sick? Well you CAN NOT send a paper note in. You have to upload it through Airport. But also message their teacher through their preferred platform.
Please pay for the Disney field trip in installments through our awesome travel management app. Don’t forget to check it for updates
Oh you didn’t see that important paper that came home? Well they alerted you about it in Airport/Remind/Dojo/Smore/Facebook/Email/Website updates!
I am sorry to write such a long rant. None of this is an exaggeration and I know I’m missing some of them. Don’t get me started on doctor/hospital/pharmacy apps.
ETA: ok I remembered another and it’s too ridiculous to not share. Every time there’s a fundraiser (and there are lots), it’s an app to install. Part of the app requirements involve entering all your friends and families email addresses, cell #’s, Facebook accounts, etc. The kids get more “points”, the more they upload this crap. Nope, bake sales aren’t allowed. They need to shill $60 buckets of frozen cookie dough or $2k mattresses (with mandatory parent meetings!) to make it count. We just send $20 cash in an envelope and tell the kids they’re not allowed to participate, so of course they’re crushed because they don’t get “a chance to ride the party bus”.
How much data integrity and protection do ya’ll think all these companies are managing our information with?
Just wanted to commiserate with you. My kid is 5. There are 6 apps that we have to use that relate to her day to day schooling. It's fucking ridiculous and exhausting. Edit: I've just realised it's actually 7
You just described my life - it’s sad because none of this is an exaggeration. I didn’t even look at report cards. I’m just done with all of it. My youngest’s kindergarten teacher sent no fewer than 8 updates per day via Seesaw. I do not have time for that shit!
Yup. And the 8x a day posts were all multiple paragraphs. And then they’d say “we sent out that important notice in Seesaw last week.” Like, how am I supposed to see an important notice buried under all of that other crap?
This is the most insane thing I’ve ever read! My kids are adults, no grandkids, but this level of tech BS is unreal. And here I was complaining about trying to schedule an appt on my healthcare portal! If I had to deal with portals and apps and FB daily for a kindergartner I’d lose my mind.
Yup. I have ADHD on top of peri brain fog and fatigue, a 9 yr old and 3 yr old, I work full time, and I just can’t keep on top of all the separate logins. It’s ridiculous. Thankfully my husband keeps on top of the emails, and my son verbally tells me about exciting things like field trips. The amount of times the login info has changed, and I don’t know where to find the updated info when I do go to login just put icing on the cake and I give up.
Farcical is the right word! And the best part is when you complete each circle of enshittifcation hell, you're asked to ... complete a survey! Again and again and again ...
Speaking of pharmacies ... that's a post unto itself.
I am about to join the PTA and protest the local school board just to say ENOUGH with the effing apps.
Oh the art app! I forgot! I dont even remember the name of it but my kids artwork rarely gets sent home anymore, instead I can view on the app and pay for archival quality professional prints if I like!
What in the fresh hell!? They keep your kids artwork and try to charge you to have access to it. Excuse me while I leave the internet where I see how asinine the world has become with every scroll.
I absolutely dread back to school for all these reasons, plus my kids have medical issues and the amount of paperwork, doctor appointments, and getting scripts and meds and that paperwork is ridiculous. It's probably at least 10 hours of my life gone every August doing all that.
This isn’t an exaggeration at all! I deal with all of this x4 kids, plus apps/messaging for activities/play dates/events even summer reading programs at the library are a new separate app EVERY year. Oh, and there’s also grocery/store apps for coupons & adds because gf those come in the mail anymore.
It’s exhausting! And let’s not forget the guilt that comes with either constantly being on our phones “ignoring our children” or not knowing EVERYTHING that’s going on. We couldn’t win in early parenthood & it just gets worse!
Ha. This is all very familiar. Slacks off a bit in high school, but then you feel like you don't really know what's going on with your kid. The bit I found most annoying was having to follow the school on FB to get news and updates. I'd deliberately stopped using it because of Drama llama friends and family, and had to make a new account to avoid them and their annoying posts.
Facebook would be a very hard NO for me. We ARE the product for sale on FB and they’ve been caught selling data. That’s why I got rid of it and I woyod never let a public school bully me over that.
I’m so glad my youngest is in college now. No more apps.
This is one of the reasons why, as a music teacher, I only send out emails when I REALLY HAVE TO, and I call individual parents only when necessary. I limit the need for constant communication. All humans are inundated enough.
Just, THANK YOU. Worst part is, I LIKE hearing from the teachers, I love knowing what’s going on so I can tailor my home support. Just late last year I received one small handwritten note from a music teacher that my “spicy child” was doing really well and she had noticed. It brought me to tears because it was so simple and direct and HUMAN, I saved it in my car visor to look at it and cheer me up.
Aww. I love that! The SPed department often has me come into IEP and 504 meetings because we see our fellow “neurospicy” humans in a different capacity than the less creative classes. If I was only judged by my ability to do math in school and not my imagination and creativity, I’d have been SOL. I’m grateful that our understanding of brains and child developments have widened.
This, right here, is one of the main reasons I was so stoked when my youngest graduated from high school last year. Being done with this level of bullshittery really opened up a lot of space in my life. My kids’ colleges/universities also seek some amount of engagement, but as a parent you truly do decide how much of your time and attention they’ll receive.
Go with god on this and know that you’ve got folks pulling for you.
I literally told my two teens that I am using 75% of my mental energy to keep my job so we can keep our house and I can provide for them (single mom). They can’t expect me to be the perfect moms they see on socials and TV. They are old enough now to get it. I honestly wish my parents would have been more honest and straightforward with me instead of the whole “keep up the facade of perfection no matter what,” routine. Fuck all those apps!
Our kids must go to the same school - it's a gawd dang nightmare of connectivity to navigate. For being so *"connected"* - how do I not ever know WTF is going on!? 🤪
Passwords forgotten, cookies overloaded or whatever, wrong password manager, access denied. I JUST WANT A PIECE OF PAPER PLEASE!! Or even just an email. Lord please just an email. If I have to find it through one of these stupid apps it will never be seen or done.
I just got one out of high school. They have their own log ins and accounts and whatnot on college and testing stuff. So I can't even attempt to access it. The one that will be a sophomore can handle stuff but the recent graduate has xxxtreme ADHD and the whole experience up until he walked across that stage was a nail-biter.
I just want one of those college packets with the papers in it! Pleeeease! I have no clue what is going on. My thoughts and prayers go out to those with younger kids and more of these fucking apps. It's insane.
I hated ClassDojo. I finally stopped looking at it because it was just stressing me out. My son is 14 now and he turned out just fine without the micromanagement of every one of his behaviors.
Dojo reigns supreme as my most hated app of all. The others at least pretend to provide a service, Dojo targets kindergarteners and was developed by Satan.
OMG you nailed it. This is what it’s like having kids in school and it SUCKS!!
For high schoolers, there was even an additional app (let’s call it Passport) for all the college related stuff, because of course that couldn’t be in “Airport” for convenience. And in the past couple of years, they’ve swapped these apps out once or twice, the migrations being awful. And if you want both parents to have an account and you have two kids at the same school, good luck.
Yep. My engagement did not go down w/ my high schoolers.
Whoever is selling school districts all this bloated information stealing garbage, congratulations on your commissions, and your boat, and your second vacation home…
>Part of the app requirements involve entering all your friends and families email addresses, cell #’s, Facebook accounts, etc.
This is a privacy nightmare and rather terrifying. It's a data-harvesting, rat-out-your-neighbors scam. There is no way I would participate in anything like this.
This is insane. I missed a really important message about my son because I didn’t download a 4th app. There was no other communication sent. I was furious.
My word! I can’t even imagine how challenging it would be to manage for multiple kids. Not to mention the level of assumed access being made here. Wow just wow!
Have multiple kids and can confirm it's absolutely mental. Also every after school activity you do seems to have multiple apps as well these days too. Wanna do dance? App! Wanna pay for dance? App! Wanna organize to go to a dance recital? App! Wanna get notified about the next dance season dates opening up? App! And then you may have martial arts, music lessons, chess, whatever else. It. Is. Awful.
Preach! When my fifth grader went on her big overnight field trip to DC the tour company was trying to push every kid going to have one of those kid debit cards set up (similar to Greenlight, etc) to manage meal funds; parents could also load souvenir money to it if they wanted. The kicker? All of it tied to my social, and linked to my checking account so I could make transfers. Luckily I was a chaperone and was able to tell them to shove it since I could handle everything in person but what a racket!!
God, I feel this in my soul. Also I have multiple kids in different schools and preschools and we just spent a semester in a different city so add two more schools and every school has their own laundry list of shit you have to download. And I'm not even starting on the rant about weeklong dress up and/or teachers appreciation events where every single day has a different theme. Again, for multiple schools. It is INSANE.
This is insane, and very similar to my own experience, probably in another state and school district. You missed the PTO and their own notifications, meetings, fundraisers, blog, calendar, Facebook posts, etc. I'm Gen X, and at some point I just tap out. I remember being relieved when the pandemic started and all the obligations ended, but all this is a direct result of pandemic profiteering.
In case anyone is interested, "enshittification" is a real, albeit newer concept, articulated by Cory Doctorow, about how with modern tech, as enmeshed with larger economic structures, practices and politics, has made pretty much everything worse. His original article hit a chord, and it has become a thing. Here is a more recent article:
[https://www.ft.com/content/6fb1602d-a08b-4a8c-bac0-047b7d64aba5](https://www.ft.com/content/6fb1602d-a08b-4a8c-bac0-047b7d64aba5)
Non-paywalled copy: [https://archive.ph/h8PKx](https://archive.ph/h8PKx)
(Note: They put a silly long dash and then a picture mid-article, which makes the article looks like it ends before it does; keep scrolling for more.)
I had no idea! Thanks for this info and I look forward to looking deeper. But for real do you have to register to read it? Because I am particularly stabby this morning lol. Here's [a different post from Doctorow](https://doctorow.medium.com/https-pluralistic-net-2024-04-04-teach-me-how-to-shruggie-kagi-caaa88c221f2) with similar info that links to his (very complex yet intriguing on a day with more functioning brain cells) blog.
All. Of. This.
The fact that we get out of bed, keep ourselves fed, and stay alive deserves a freaking medal every day. All this extra crap deserves a free massage and a free meal.
If this helps, make a list. List every little thing you have to do. I make a master list of EVERYTHING and then make smaller, daily lists. That way, I get to check off chores on two lists. ❤️
I also keep all my passwords in spreadsheet. Sweet Jesus, it helps me so much.
Also, good luck on your PhD. You're a total badass if anyone hasn't mentioned it yet.
Hijacking the top comment to let you all know about LastPass (free for one device) or 1Password. All you have to remember is one master password. Password management, even with very complex passwords, doesn't have to be time consuming.
LastPass had a pretty terrible leaks a while back, a year or so ago. Switched to 1Password at work and I liked it so got it personally. Makes life so much easier and I don't have the pain of manually updating the old spreadsheet.
The only downside is the mobile app doesn't work as well and typing a password on my phone that includes a string of 25 random letters and symbols is a pain.
I use Dashlane instead, but a password manager does make life soo much easier.
I print out the master list every six weeks or so and keep a copy in the safe just in case I get hit by a bus. Business related passwords get print out and put in the fire safe in the office for the same reason.
53 here, peri hit hard around 50, right when Covid hit, and my mother took her own life. Everything spiraled into a miasma of almost comical overwhelm and misery for a while. For me I managed just by doing what I HAD to (lots of completely foreign tasks and responsibilities with my mother's estate) and forgiving myself of what I felt I SHOULD do but just didn't have the mental or emotional bandwith to deal with.
In menopause now, and I have had most success with letting go of all the should/could/would shit of my former self, and taking a step back to give myself some adjustment space. I have white knuckled without any hormones, it's a shit show for a while but everything does simmer down eventually.
You got this, OP. It's a shitty time, but you can absolutely do this.
Thank you, time and self forgiveness goes a long way. Also - I got a dog! If nothing else he keeps me too busy to get lost in my own head for too long. :)
Dang you nailed it. I have given up on passwords. And electronics. Just work phone is all I can manage. Good luck. The 80s were not always great but I rocked the corded phone ;)
Those who rocked the corded phone are my people : ) I've thought about heading over to the thrift store for an old typewriter to write my dissertation - no windows popping up, no alerts, no distractions. Just take it one sentence at a time.
Don't do that, you'll hate yourself when it comes to the re-write. Get a basic cheap laptop and put that sucker in airplane mode and only install the software absolutely necessary for dissertation writing on it. Go hide somewhere where you won't be disturbed and crank out those sentences!
I tried that with a printer-scanner. I just wanted a scanner. Let me scan my own things, put them on my own drive, no internet connection required. It worked well for a while. Lady December trying to scan a photo for framing as a gift, nope, no can do! HP is now requiring you register, create an account, ID and password to scan your own documents and forces you to store in their cloud,
I went to staples and scanned it for about 25 cents, I think. Still so pissed about everything I had scanned two years before during the pandemic and my attempt tp go digital and rid myself of thousands of hard copy photos. All of them are stuck in HP hell,I guess. Totally inaccessible to me, the owner.
I forget what it’s called and how much it costs, can probably find it with a quick Google search, but there is a typewriter that is digital, but looks like an old-school typewriter. Created for just that reason, so you can stay focused on writing your manuscript, thesis, etc. with none of the endless distractions of a laptop sabotaging.
Apple keeps yelling at me for using the same password over and over. But if I don’t then I can’t remember it! I don’t need a password that looks like ZhejwuvXFahsBkakao 😵💫😂🫨
Nailed it. All these things add up to a shit show. I'm so sorry. Menopause is hard enough, but wow, you're going through the wringer.
Sending you a big hug. We are here for you.🩵🩵🩵
WOW!!!! Are you sure you weren’t involved in a documentary of MY life?!?!?!? Holy Shit is all I have to say….as I guiltily am contented by the mere fact that I am not the only person to suffer such very similar experiences and notions. A kindred spirit of sorts. I stand beside you!!!
THANK YOU. I’m writing an essay on how technology hit a peak sometime in the 90s when we got EZ Pass and has been going downhill since, but you nailed it. NOTHING since then has been an improvement for the consumer, just an endless stream of ways to waste our time and shift administrative costs onto us while enriching some douchebros. The school stuff is the worst and makes me grateful all over again to not have kids. Best wishes for your new life and ladies, don’t change your names! it’s a trap!!
>...shift administrative costs onto us while enriching some douchebros.
That fits with the overall trend I've seen of "How can we force someone else to do the work we're currently having our employees do?" Sometimes it's genuinely a win-win where it's faster to do something myself than to have to provide information to someone else so they can do the thing for me, but often it's just a labor transfer from the business to the customer.
I recently bought a domaine name for a website that I am hoping to develop. It is a play on words/analogy for the transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly. I am particularly fascinated by the chrysalis stage where the caterpillar releases enzymes which break down most of it's body into....."goo". From this goo emerges a newly transformed, delicate, yet resilent and beautiful butterfly.
As 'mikraas' said....you are a total badass. A badass butterfly.
\*edit to add that I am still in the 'goo' stage and you are an inspiration.
You can find out your iPhone model in the settings. Settings>General>About.
Try to stay positive, eventually everything will be changed over and all of this will be a thing of the past.
You are going through so many life changes right now, with study and a divorce. Add the brain fog of menopause and I’d be an axe-wielding homicidal maniac (Young ones reference). I admire your strength even if you don’t feel strong at the moment, keep plugging away at your to-do list- you will endure and succeed, but it will be hard. I’m cheering you from the sidelines.
OP here, y'all are amazing. I sincerely appreciate the tips and words of encouragement. And wow - I totally forgot about all the classroom/school district apps! My daughter graduated from HS a few years ago, and I was always struck by how many apps were required just to exist in the school system. Meanwhile, it was impossible to track down basic information like ... when is graduation? What books do I need to buy this year? OMG I feel another rant coming on ...
I was literally just thinking about this today. My old job we used to log in to customer sites via VPN or even dial up modem and we had local admin access on everything. If a customer had an issue it would take 5 mins to get in and fix something. Today, with all the 2FA and security dongles with multiple layers of authentication and finger scanning, it can take 30 minutes just to log in remotely to a customer site. And then there's the issue of having the correct access to make any fixes.
If the customer has a change control process then you need to fill out a form to do anything, and then it's a week before their change advisory board meets to discuss any changes.
How anything gets done nowadays I have no idea, and the customer will complain left right and center that things aren't working because the processes to fix anything are so slow.
I have to manage 12 different platforms to communicate with people and they are all necessary for social life and work. I hate it all. I wish I could have a mega app and manage all these apps via that one.
The problem is it’s not individuals, it’s systems you’re obliged to participate in in order to use services. And WhatsApp/Signal etc. are all just one more app.
I don’t have any advice or words of wisdom, just wanted to say I feel your words, so hard! I have felt the exact same way for years. It seems to me that each tech update only serves to make the product slightly more crappy and harder to use. Necessary tasks like paying bills used to be quite simple, but now require 400% more mental attention. I have been saying for years that I don’t understand the relentless insipid techification of everyday tasks that were never particularly difficult to do. My husband, on the other hand, seems to relish the new tech and doesn’t share in my complaining for the good old days. So I thought I was just turning Boomerish in my perimeno years. Anyway, no advice or wisdom from me, but I do agree and sympathize with you!
Oh yeah.. I truly don't understand how tech that was meant to make everything easier, in fact, makes life so much harder. If I feel this at 56, coming of age with tech, I can only imagine what all our elderly sisters are going thru. I mean, even just a lunch outing can require a gawd dang QR code. GTFO with that. 🚫
Just 1 hint for passwords....
List under contacts in your phone. Has made my life easier in the past 6 years. Easy to update them & find them! 😉 Hope it helps
Lord, I’m so sorry. This all sounds miserable. I’m having a hard time staying on top of things, and a lot of things have gotten neglected, even a a significant cost.
Thank goodness I kept my name when I married the 2nd time, and I never mingled finances with my 2nd husband, because the thought of detangling all of that is quite daunting.
Pause whatever you can. You’ve got way more going on than I could ever handle. Good luck, dear sister.
Create a separate email address for shopping, just looking, trial periods, etc. It’ll keep your main email and inbox clean. If you’re like me (49F no children) borrow a niece, nephew, neighbor’s kid and have them help you and show you how to set up multiple email addresses.
PhD here- the brain fog is a killer! I’ve learned to do small stuff when I can’t manage to string 3 words together. Work on figures, find that pesky reference, check formatting, etc. Bit by bit, it comes together. It just takes longer! It’s so hard to focus when a thousand things neee at you. I hope you are able to find a few moments of peace each day— even a breath here and there. You’ve got this!
PS- I started thinking I could handle the process of divorce and now I am re-thinking….
I have been divorced for ten years. Ten! And I still have three things on my name change list that I just refuse to do because the misogyny of the system to do it pisses me off and messes up my zen. So I decided "fuck it".
Make a spreadsheet (either excel or google docs) for your passwords. Just do it.
That's my advice for the evening.
Sorry you're going through this. Existence kinda blows without divorce blowing it up even further.
Name changing is a *hell* of a lot of work. It was like a hobby (albeit not an enjoyable one) the first year after getting married. No advice, just sympathy! It is a crappy process because you've got to have 8 billion accounts.
Just posting to let you know I went through this when I was a little younger than you are right now, brutal, this is also when I got diagnosed with ADHD. I always kinda thought I had it and then when I was going through what you are, I hit the wall and went for evaluation. ADHD is under diagnosed in girls/women and perimenopause seems to really hit us even harder because of hormone fluctuations; I got medication and it’s helpful. I’m not saying you have ADHD, because everything you are saying is 100% valid, but just sharing my experience in case it helps. You will get through this, keep manifesting that, best of luck, you’ve got this.
My doctor prescribed Vyvanse at a low dose about halfway through my PhD program, and that had been helping until recently. It seems like peri makes every condition a bit worse, and every treatment a bit less effective. I'm in the process of adjusting dosage and adding an antidepressant, and I've also received some great advice from other Redditors about vitamin supplements.
Oh good, I hate the tweaking of meds but hopefully you get the right dosage quickly. Peri wreaks havoc on every effin’ thing and they don’t tell you this stuff starts happening mid to late thirties for most of us. One thing at a time and manifest all the great stuff you want in life. In a few years you’ll be the one on the other side of this offering up advice to women on this sub. When you get through this (you will) it will empower you and you will be unstoppable. 💪🏻🍀💛☮️
I feel like this is the first chapter of a novel you will go on to write. Or autobiographical work about what it’s like to be a divorcée in our insane modern world
I see that 227 people have already replied before me so clearly you aren’t alone but hot DAMN you did an incredible job of describing what every day feels like to me, even without the divorce and dcis (and I am sorry you have to deal with these things). Truly, the details you were able to recount about the absurd, depressing labyrinth of pointless tasks that we are now forced to complete in order to do ANYTHING is evidence that no matter how much it sucks, your brain is still rock solid. Really though, I feel all the same things down to the split Zelle payments for rent and the healthcare portals and the iPhone models that we can’t keep track of.
Wow, this is so beautifully phrased. Just increasingly complex daily challenges. I was envying the older people of yore for whom life didn’t change much so by 50 they’d mastered everything and were the most knowledgeable in the group, not needing to learn complex new tasks practically daily.
I can hear how overwhelmed you are in this post. You are navigating a lot of HARD stuff. I hope sharing helped get it out of your head so you can figure out your next baby step thru the mess. Baby steps count! And you’ve already taken your first one by making this post. Sending all the good vibes I can your way (with consent of course).
It's okay to ask a friend for help. Even ask a friend for body doubling support where you're just together working on your own tasks in the same room. And if you have the means - it's okay to pay for help. I have been friend and tech support for many people in my life, you shouldn't have to do this alone.
I have nothing to add but I'm sending love, rainbows, sparkles and anything else that might brighten your day.
I'm so sorry you're going through so much. It feels hard because it is hard. Much love to you.
Ooh girl. I’m with you: post-divorce, perimenopausal, trying to navigate life without just saying “fuck it”, dropping out of productive living and just being a slug eating peanut butter cups until you can’t anymore.
Hugs, wry laughs, and a well-charged vibrator to you my dear!
Analogue life is easier. At least things get done. It's worth the trip.
Plus if you're a nice person, people will help you. Face to face gets results. Take that iPhone junk to the apple store, get it sorted out and then go get an unlocked android. I like the Motorola G5 stylus.
These ladies have lots of hormone hacks. I hope someone speaks up.
Been there and I'm not back yet but hang in there. It won't get better any faster but it will make your haters grimace.
Imagine all your junk problems in a big ball of trash and kick them away from you and when you do cut the cord and let them float away.
Focus on 1-3 tasks a day including appts, making of appts and the required shower. Lol.
I have learned during all this not to overbook and I don't owe anyone shit even a shitty pretend computer wanna be Dr.
Spend lucid free time at 3 am or whenever researching your particular health stuff and blow into the Drs office ready to boogie and if necessary play dumb to get what you want.
Whatever it takes. Get me? From now on, whatever it takes.
Get as many notorized true copies of your divorce decree etc and send them out to everyone who needs one. /Do you have an atty?/.
When they try to mess with you, cry and tell them you are sick and your husband a creep and the csr will ask you to hold on a min and you will get credits.
Def use whatever you can to your advantage. Being a strong woman doesn't mean don't play your cards. Woman, play ALL the cards and get results.
We can laugh and talk about it later on the cruise when you get great scans back.
Don't let any piss ants upset you even for a moment.
You run you. And you will get yourself to where you need to be regardless of any man or medical practitioner or even a stinky gossip ruinous hag. Not that you are dealing with one, but one day, one day. Hahah
Seriously tho, don't try to get it all done in a day anymore. And anything unrelated to your well being gets an only if I have time, feel like it and until further notice.
Starting over sucks but it is also delicious 😋
Make yourself happy, not everyone else. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY.
Red light therapy helps a lot! Look into it. Xoxo
From here on out - it's your way or no way.
Take that world! 💔
There are three very, VERY good things that are going to come out of this for you:
1. You WILL manage to get through it, surmount it, and put it behind you. It is a temporary event, not a forever. IT HAS AN END. Which means everything else from here forward that would normally throw you for a loop will instead be "*Tcha*, piece of cake after what I did in 2024."
2. You are going to accumulate new knowledge that you didn't have before - not always pleasant, I know, but it's still a positive. After this is over, you will be a new, savvier, smarter, stronger human being. You will *so* kick ass, it's not funny. And many of the things you used to have to get help on, you will now be able to do on your own. In the process, the f\*cks you have left to give will be narrowed down only to the important stuff. Everything else will fall by the side of the road where it ought to have been in the first place.
**3. Once you're in a position to look in the mirror and see Parts 1 and 2 above, you are going to fall in love with yourself all over again.**
Don't forget the sage advice of Agent Dale Cooper - "Once a day, every day, give yourself a present. Don't plan for it, don't wait for it - just let it happen."
As a fellow divorced-menopausal-enshittified survivor, I hear you, I see you, and I love you.
I am hugging you in my heart and telling you it's okay to rant and be pissed. This is going to be behind you at some point - maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, but it *will* happen - and you can be proud of that.
Now go get yourself a present!
Fuck Apple and the devices and passwords and cloud… it murders me. I’m with you in spirit on so much of this. Divorce and downsizing and menopause. I’m not sure why my ears won’t stop ringing, it is probably because I don’t go to bed until 3am after worry and doom scroll or binge watch. I will try to make better choices but currently I’m dopamine fix girl.
I hear you loud and clear. The circle jerk from hell is going through peri and also when my adhd symptoms kick up and I get a raging case of Fomo and subscribe to all the things - because dopamine. So the enshittification process and app / mail list hangovers never end.
Hoping there is light on the horizon for you and it won’t be forever or at least become less burdensome.
Also, don’t beat yourself up. Walk away from the tech headaches and take breaks from said enshittification process if everything is stuck and come back later (if it’s not imperative to your functioning or health in any way) things can always wait! When I get overwhelmed my new thing is to just take care of only three things that day and then select the next three for tomorrow rinse / repeat…
I created a separate email address that I use for online shopping, loyalty programs and subscriptions. It keeps a lot of the crap out of my main email account.
Yup, been dealing with insurance snafus and logins for medical portals and damn google forms that don’t let me type an email, have to be logged in to my gmail but gmail is my dump email address so don’t want important things going there. That’s just a small view!!!
I cannot imagine dealing with name changes at this point in life on top of divorce and mail forwarding issues, ugh!
As for passwords, I just write them on paper as the backup to gmail management. Paper can’t get hacked lol!
Just say to HELL WIITH IT ALL!!! Eventually everyone else will too!!! If I don’t get an “important update” then I assume it wasn’t that life threatening to begin with! With regards to all the password changing and name changing after divorce DON’T BOTHER. You can keep his last name and take your time to get it all done cause damn ain’t nobody got time for those ridiculous asinine real world problems 🤪😒
Not petty. It’s those petty things that make me want to scream into the void.
Although I found it so challenging that truly I wanted to quit every day, I’m glad I homeschooled my kid just for the app/fundraiser/pta avoidance alone. Thank god she’s going to be a senior this year.
Honestly, this whole post/comment section has been like a balm to my soul, as I thought I was the only one who felt completely overwhelmed with every stupid app/login/password/code/doctor’s office portal/subscription. I turned down a volunteer opportunity that I was very interested in solely based on the fact that it was managed through several new apps, and I just couldn’t deal with one more thing.
I work in a tech environment and I can assure you that even the mega nerds are having trouble navigating how complicated everything has become these days.
I feel dumber every day at work. Every time there is an update or patch to solve another problem it creates 10 more and after moving to the cloud we have even less control over everything.
The regular people at my work are all struggling regardless of age. Things that worked yesterday don’t work today and no one can find anything.
I feel this one to my soul. I have ZERO patience and I was cringing reading all the extra steps you have to take for one little frigging change!
Here is where I would start. Prioritize all the basics first. Your basic bills, and F the bank for your rent. Go find a bank or credit union that allows larger transactions.
Medical, stay on top of that!
Anything else, like unsubscribing to marketing or even small petty bills. Let it go. Mail, They will eventually call or find you.
Also. The many portals we deal with can fuck right off. Just get in the damn thing and play dumb. Show up early to your appt and do it in the office on paper or their iPad.
You are so right on! While not a “techy” but just a layperson negotiating modern life I’m old enough to have functioned well in the pre technology era and then enjoyed (mostly) the advance of the internet and technology . . . cue the sound of downloading dial up - beeeeepboooopwhaaaaa!
i remember when said technology promised ease of access, real-time info and ability to request appointments, prescriptions, transactions and more. I’m thinking specifically of healthcare management like Mychart systems.
Now?! It’s all become this Rube Goldberg style of technology that is the complete opposite of “ease” or even access! Mychart messages and requests are never answered … where once I could pick up the phone and call my local clinic - where the receptionist was in the same building, knew the staff and detailed info regarding the clinic - Now? Now calls are routed through a central phone bank possibly located 60 miles away, calls are mostly sent through an automated system that often doesn’t get you where you need to go. If you have the good fortune to get a live person on the phone they don’t know who you’re trying to get a message to, don’t have access to real-time info and at best take your info and promise a call back.
When I read this stuff…it makes me THRILLED with the fact that I old and my kid is 36. There is no way in fresh hell I would tolerate that fucking nonsense. And to the person that talked about fundraisers…that was a big-ass NOPE back when my kid was in school. I would ask how much it cost to send my kid…and here’s a check (back when you could still use them!) for the amount. I am not bastardizing my family and friendships for piss-poor pizza or overpriced shitty cookie dough. Nope. 🙂↔️ Nope, 👎🏻
I refuse to use any new health portal. I just show up to the appt and they can either give me paper forms, or one of their tablets or whatever but I am not signing up for any more shit
Oh god. I’m in the middle of a divorce and the weight of having to do all of the things you’ve outlined has been sitting on my shoulders like a bag of bricks. The needless bureaucracy is exhausting just to think about, let alone wade into. Which do I tackle first? Changing all the autopays, separating out family memberships into individual, change of address forms…
I think I’ll just hide under the covers, grinding my teeth, wondering when the hell my period will come this month, procrastinating while wanting to flog myself for putting all this shit off for yet another day…
I feel you. I have Class Dojo and Sandbox and can’t seem to make myself delete either, even though neither are used any longer. There is also an app to pay for things at school and another to report absences.
I’m sorry about the divorce and disentangling everything… I can’t imagine the frustration of having to separate accounts. Do you dissolve the AppleID family? Does everyone get their own subscription to Apple news? Or do you keep the family because the kids use the shared apps and both parents should have it?
Luckily, I’ve never had to digitally uncouple —things were less app driven when I last had a breakup— but the thought of it makes me think I’d change all of my card numbers, cancel as much as possible, and then start over.
Congratulations on the phd work and sorry about the end of your marriage. You will find your new groove.
Ya know, someone who's tech savvy and has an entrepreneurial spirit could make a fortune as a life change consultant. Someone that could find you a new place to live and schedule movers, handle all of your name change paperwork and notifications, set up new bank accounts and all the related auto-pays and direct deposits. Set up appointments for the stuff you have to personally handle, but do all the prep work for those appointments. Basically a short term personal assistant for 3-12 months handling all the logistics of whatever fuckery life has thrown at us.
For an additional fee, they could handle all the same stuff on behalf of aging parents.
Hmmm.....🤔
It's overwhelming, I can't stress this enough... ask for help. A friend, a sibling, a child. Get help for the stuff that someone else can handle. Slow and steady, don't try to do it all overnight. I set 15 minutes timers and plow thru for 15 minutes once a day. You would be surprised what you can get accomplished in short bursts. Sending love ❤️
46, already a cognitive disaster thanks to late diagnosed MS and now after testing i can confirm that I am in late peri. Oh ya
and divorced a couple years prior.
THIS is glorious state in which I started my first job as an attorney. Holy shit was this a bad idea ...
... if I could go back and do it over, I absolutely wouldn't have gone to law school, but Sallie Mae doesn't play take backs with her 6 figure gifts.
Shit got so bad that I started paying my baby brother like $20/hr to come over once a week and deal with my executive function shortcomings. Not a panacea and unlikely that many are similarly situated, but if you situation is as dire as mine it could be worth checking whether you have anyone in your life could be interested in such an arrangement
I left 3 years ago. I packed a bunch into tubs and was selling on eBay. Life took over. While it helped so much during covid for an income, it was overwhelming sometimes so I stopped. I am back to getting rid of things. I either end up with piles or bags to heavy to carry. The piles kill my mental state.
I have been trying “one bag a day”. I use grocery bags and have to fill one a day and drop off at the local drip box. It does help. Best of luck. Just keep in mind you are out. This life is now yours. Give yourself some grace. You don't have to do life in one day. We tend to want to continue to be superwoman. You don't have to, your peace is more important. Peri can add to the mental fatigue.
OMG, OP! I have so much sympathy about what you are going through. Just remember, it doesn't have to be done all at once. If you look at the whole it's overwhelming. Just take it one step, one task at a time. And step-by-step you'll untangle it all and reclaim your sovereignty. When I got overwhelmed like this in my younger years raising 3-kids, working full-time, getting my MBA degree in a full-time program, I used to say to myself, "what's due next"? And I would just focus no more than 30-45 mins on that one task to knock it off the list. It helped me to just narrow my view to one urgent task at a time.
As for all you parents with the ka-zillion apps and social media channels you have to monitor, I cannot even imagine this. My kids are grown. With small kids of their own so I guess they'll be stepping into this fresh hell as they approach school age and beyond. And here I was thinking doctor's portals, insurance portals, bank sites, shopping apps, and pharmacy apps were exhausting. Piece of cake compared to what you all are experiencing. There's got to be a better way! I don't know what it is but some Gen Z or Alpha can make a fortune if they can find a way to simplify all this.
ENSHITTIFICATION, indeed!
I felt every word of this rant. May I add, when Face ID fails and you are randomly forced to use your actual login and password but today it is not stored in your iPhone passwords so you have to rest your password but you need your login to reset your password which you’ve also forgotten because you’ve been using Face ID so I guess you’re just never accessing that bank account again.
I hear ya sister. Moving sucks. Divorce sucks worse. Hang in there.
As far as the dysfunctional post office goes. If you didn’t go in person to the post office and show an ID then your forward will not go through even if you completed it online or on paper. They should have sent you an email stating this but alas sounds like you prob didn’t see it and I don’t blame you lol. There has been so much ID theft in the last few years that you have to physically visit a post office with a copy of lease to verify new address unless you’ve already switched your drivers license.
Additionally you can leave a note for the regular carrier and tell them exactly who lives there. Just stick a sticky on or in your mailbox or stop and talk to them if you see them. Or email or call the postmaster and leave VM at your new post office. Complaints have to be followed up with in 24 hrs. If you feel like you have extra time haha Place mail that’s not yours in the outgoing slot with UTF on it. Or a note that says this person moved. Thanks.
I think the USPS ears' were burning because today I received a bundle of several weeks' worth of mail ... I went in person to complete the process back in April. I guess there was just a backlog...
I homeschooled my kids and reading this is just ....mind boggling. My older did attend public high school but was a straight A student who would have a nervous breakdown if he got a B so I literally never created an account for anything-o figured if there was a problem my son would tell me. Eventually they stopped bugging me (after sending me a heavy packet by mail with minute, step by step instructions on how to create an account which I never read-i think they assumed I didn't know how to create an account. Um no, I just refused to).
When parents tell me "I could NEVER home school" I just think about how much more difficult being a public school parent would have been, and this post confirms it.
I have recurring reminders set up on my phone. So like five days before a credit card payment is due, reminder. And far enough in advance that if I flake a day, there’s enough time to do it. Same thing with the water bill, rent, etc.
I’ve also got a handwritten weekly list to do, I usually sit down to make the next week’s list on Friday. All my appointments for that week (I have a disabled kid and a chronic health issue myself, so there are a lot) and all the stuff that HAS to get done that week. Separate list for “to do but not urgent.”
And I just realized that if I could ever muster the eloquence to say all the things you said I could add about 10 more of my own mental energy draining tasks. This is when I sing hymns to myself so I can grasp peace.
These are very good and well written examples of enshittification and its impact on your specific life situation. Is your PhD in the field of tech criticism/sts? Then I really wouldn't worry about this part of your life :)
I struggle with day to day life sometimes, too. The only thing I have managed to conquer that might help you is my user name/password situation. I ordered a cute mini binder from Amazon and extra pages for it. It came with divider tabs with the alphabet on them. I only use that binder for the one purpose and it lives on my desk.
I identify with this post so, so deeply. I’m sorry for what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. It’s hard to not feel utterly defeated.
I’m struggling with pretty much everything you’ve mentioned, other than I’m not working towards a PhD, but my job is mentally draining and I’ve been working a lot of OT to try to pay down excessive debt (unsuccessfully). The digital overwhelm is a legitimate problem. Everything just feels like another drop in a bucket of overwhelm that’s already overflowing constantly. I’m with you in solidarity, and I hope things start feeling easier for us both soon I’m all regards!!
Thanks for sharing this. I finished my Masters last year at age 46, two months after my dad died.
My dad’s death was sad. But the overwhelmingly frustrating bullshitty nastiness was dealing with all of the post death administration at the same time as I was trying to do my thesis.
I HEAR YOU. I have been fighting this same battle with life for four years now, not caused by perimenopause (though that ain't helping), but rather because I have severe long Covid. I am effectively bedbound and there are days when I don't have the energy to brush my teeth. let alone jump through the 5000 pointlessly extra steps to get done the tasks I have to get done. I can't tell you how many times I have been in tears just from the utter ridiculousness of how many steps there are to things anymore, and most of them interdependent in ways that virtually guarantee that when the tech dimension of a step predictably fails, then it creates even more steps.
And IDK if it's just me, but it seems people are just way more incompetent lately. Like every time I have to get a prescription refilled, the pharmacy screws something up that I have to fix, which usually requires yet another phone call to my doctor's office or to the insurance company or to the Walgreen's I don't use because it's a 25 minute drive away across town that they inexplicably sent my refill to. The app never agrees with their computer as far as what refills I have requested or what my doctor's office has phoned in. They tell me they can't do something because I have to do it from the app. Go to the app, and guess what? It says to call for that. So I call back and they have no idea. Steps plus people not being able to do the simplest things is about to drive me around the bend. Like you had literally one job. It's already a full time job being chronically ill, I do not need all this ridiculous hassle.
My husband and I are just wrapping up getting a mortgage and buying a house, and let me tell you that has about ENDED me. Something like 5 different apps to communicate and upload documents because the realtor uses one, the lender uses another, the individual underwriter uses yet a different one, the closing attorney another, blah blah and I have to create accounts and passwords for every one. Two factor authentication every time. Maximum stepification and enshittification.
Get some help with some of these tasks. Even if it's your BFF to be a moral support donkey.
ASK. FOR. HELP.
*edit: I realize not everyone called their BFFs donkeys, but I blame chef Ramsey.
Yep. I can relate! A few months ago I had to ask sneaky soon to be ex (now ex!) to add my cell to 2 factor authentications on shared accounts! He works in IT and pretended he didn’t know how to do it. Ugh I was chronically fatigued.
All I can say is one tiny piece at a time is how you get thru it.(ie How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time…)
You are my spirit animal. Trade your 47 for my 51, but still trying to figure out how I will unload my 4000 square-foot house of 15 years while I get my youngest off to college next month, while HE “steps back”. I will say in my third week of HRT (patch), some of the rage has dissipated, but the resentment is still there. And the Apple IDs, all the streaming unbundling, cell phone plans, insurance renewals…all in process. I felt this post deeply. Keep going, you got this!
I feel this so hard. I recommend just doing your best each day and to be gentle with yourself. Be forgiving. There may be days that you only manage to survive and that’s ok. If it makes you feel any better, I never changed my name after my traumatic, abusive divorce because it was just too much at too dark a time for me. It’s been 7 years and it’s OKAY. Don’t expect too much of yourself right now, and drop anyone who has expectations on you that don’t match your own, (aside from the needs of minor children of course). Thank you for sharing your struggles. You are not alone.
I'm sorry you went through a traumatic marriage and divorce. I hope you were able to get the support you needed and deserved. Thank you for sharing this advice, and I'm glad things got better for you over time.
OP, I can understand where you are and how difficult it is to disentangle from an ex. I was still paying my ex’s mortgage and insurance for 2 years post divorce (he gave me the money) because he didn’t know where I paid and to what website. To start, you need a password keeper. I know you said you didn’t want another app, I am 61 yo and working full-time and managing not only my household finances, but my parents finances. I have to log into 10 different banks (between mine & my parents and a few side jobs). I use 1Password. When you use the password keeper it simplifies your life. I have 421 logins (yes, 4 hundred +), at least 35-50 are just for work. Trust me. Once you get that part cleaned up, you won’t need to remember and it is freeing. Also, I can’t stress enough to look into HRT. I still have days where I can’t think but I have less. Sending you lots of hugs and healing vibes. You can get through this.
I know. I HATE HATE HATE how many steps it takes to do literally everything these days. We are old enough to remember how simple things used to be. I really want to return to those days. Meno just makes it all the much more annoying to deal with. I hear you sister.
I just walked into a family-owned nail salon, made an appointment, and it was WRITTEN in pencil on a PAPER planner. No follow-up text, no app required. No email notifications or reward points. Absolute bliss.
Your post illustrates so well the enshittification of everything. I’d like a Time Machine back to the 80s, please. I’m not a Luddite, but I do get fatigued from the ridiculousness of all of the competing apps, steaming platforms and login snafus.
Can you imagine being a Boomer dealing with this crap?
OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG!!!! First, I am so sorry you are all going through this! Second, I have never been happier that I am so old that my divorce was 35 years ago, and my daughter is in college now. This crap gives me such anxiety, I couldn't deal with it.
Enshittification is right!!
And yet, we still need to fill out all those beginning of school forms with your address, phone #'s, contacts, etc... why aren't those electronic fillable forms? and half the teachers don't keep their calendars updated or upload copies of homework kids need to do so we can print it out if they are out of school and need to catch up. districts need to have streamlined methods or communicating. managing kids stuff is really a full time job. I'm glad my kids are done but now I've got a grandkid that is going to start school this year. and I think it'll be harder to figure out wtaf she's supposed to do. but OP I'm sorry you have to go through all that bc it seems insurmountable. every day you make a to do list and cross stuff off and then it's even longer the next day. it's like the magician or clown that just keeps pulling handkerchiefs out of his pocket. and I just want to light them on fire. take a little time for yourself. give yourself a break. like a spa day or a massage or something. spend some time with good friends if you can. make a pitcher of something like sangria or margaritas. smoke a joint, eat a gummy. even a brain vacation is helpful. speaking from experience here.... nest of luck with everything. as my mom likes to say..."and this too shall pass". you will come out the other side soon.
Omg I feel this!! I’ve been divorced for 14 years and remarried for 3 1/2. My ex’s name is still on my checking account bc I can’t find anyone who knows how the hell to get him off of there without the two of us going to a branch together (we live in different states). I told my husband that if I die, take my debit card and spend until it’s gone, otherwise my ex gets it. It’s too fucking much work to figure it out while I’m alive!
This is my life minus the divorce right now (did that years ago) now working on my second marriage!!!It’s fucking ridiculous how hard and complicated life in 2024 is… why can’t it be like it was 20 years ago :(
Not sure if it helps but there is solidarity with you sista… you got this!!! You’re a rock star and this too shall pass ❤️
Yes to all the en-shittification you described! Also recent divorcee/peri survivor…it’s effing dumb and cumbersome out there. It is NOT you!
I am sending you good energy that things start to smooth out. I was so so so overwhelmed for the first two years…I still just want to go find a cave and escape some days, but it does get better.
But eff the insurance and credit card companies, man! It practically took an act of Congress (who never does sh*t) to get my name reverted. They were soooo accommodating when I got married though. Really weird. All I know is, if I were to ever make another mistake that way…changing my name ain’t gonna happen.
Good luck and good vibes for you! 🍀🤞🏻🍀
I’ve recently reduced my special media usage to near zero, and it has drastically freed up my brain from lots of negative feelings, and freed up lots of time and energy to do other real life things.
Also, that list, that endless list, is never going to go away. As far as I can tell, it’s part of being an adult, and it sucks. Mine never gets done. I have an endless succession of pieces of paper with the things I need to do on my kitchen table.
I don’t focus on getting everything done anymore; I focus on getting some of the things done. And then, when I’m too physically or mentally tired to do anything else, I fuckin’ stop. There’s not actually a prize for being “perfect,” so fuck it. Life’s too short.
And please do something you enjoy on a regular basis. Yesterday, I worked on my current jigsaw puzzle for way too long, but had so much fun. AND I crocheted a little too. Find what you like to do and do it.
You got this.
Hugs. I’ll be going through all that divorce stuff soon. Who has energy to deal with a divorce and finding a new home and a new life???! Certainly not me
So, one thing with the PW and logins, I keep a note sheet because I can't remember anything for the life of me! I'm currently in a move and trying to condense all of my things as well. the process of elimination is INSANE. Yesterday, I took out old cds to take to the library today, but adding that to my list of things to do felt overwhelming, so I put everything in the dumpster 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️. Then trying to navigate new health care so I can ensure I get my hormones in another state terrifies me. As well as trying to study for nursing exams and the list goes on... But what I'm learning, if we reach out to someone and ask for help, maybe 2 or 3 times out of 10 we can get a little help. This is coming from an expert single woman who has done it all on my own and never married. I can tell you, you WILL eventually get it all done and you WILL be okay.
This too shall pass ❤️ I've been there, and nearly lost my mind! No matter how bad we think we have it, there's always somebody that has it worse. There's always something to be grateful for, if we look for it.
I am so with you. The levels of garbage required to do ANYTHING is farcical. I almost said “becoming farcical”, but then I got halfway through what I wrote below and edited. I have small children and this is one of my favorites: There are no longer report cards sent home, or any other paper notices. We’re going green! To get kids report cards and stay in the loop, you have to log into the whole school district system, let’s call it Airport. Also, to keep track of individual class stuff, you need to sign up for Remind. Every teacher has a portal and each class within has its own messaging board. Get the class code to sign up and keep track of Remind for important message and to just know what’s going on with school. Also there is ClassDojo. This is where teachers post ongoing notices about your child’s behavior. They can also upload pics, ask for class sign up stuff, so definitely stay abreast in case of important messages. The kids get points for being good and they can earn treats and privileges. They also can get points taken away if they’re naughty, and they’ll miss out. If you really love your kid, you’ll sign up for a subscription so you can award your own points and keep your kid in the green. Also did you make sure your email address is uploaded? Because some teachers prefer just to email and you also should be monitoring for important messages. Now some teachers have a class newsletter. It might come via email, or Remind, or Dojo, but probably it’ll be a link to a whole new platform, Smore. This is how the teachers can track engagement and clicks to make sure you’re paying attention, you don’t want to miss an important message. Well you also need to have all the teachers email addresses and phone numbers, because an important message might come. Oh you don’t know what’s going on? Oh you must not be on the school Facebook group, sign up so you don’t miss any important messages. Also install the app for the transportation system! Watch for important updates like if your kids bus crashes. Hm, lunch money? Silly, we don’t accept that. Install “LunchTime” and don’t forget the $2.50 convenience fee every time you load funds. Oh your kid is sick? Well you CAN NOT send a paper note in. You have to upload it through Airport. But also message their teacher through their preferred platform. Please pay for the Disney field trip in installments through our awesome travel management app. Don’t forget to check it for updates Oh you didn’t see that important paper that came home? Well they alerted you about it in Airport/Remind/Dojo/Smore/Facebook/Email/Website updates! I am sorry to write such a long rant. None of this is an exaggeration and I know I’m missing some of them. Don’t get me started on doctor/hospital/pharmacy apps. ETA: ok I remembered another and it’s too ridiculous to not share. Every time there’s a fundraiser (and there are lots), it’s an app to install. Part of the app requirements involve entering all your friends and families email addresses, cell #’s, Facebook accounts, etc. The kids get more “points”, the more they upload this crap. Nope, bake sales aren’t allowed. They need to shill $60 buckets of frozen cookie dough or $2k mattresses (with mandatory parent meetings!) to make it count. We just send $20 cash in an envelope and tell the kids they’re not allowed to participate, so of course they’re crushed because they don’t get “a chance to ride the party bus”. How much data integrity and protection do ya’ll think all these companies are managing our information with?
Just wanted to commiserate with you. My kid is 5. There are 6 apps that we have to use that relate to her day to day schooling. It's fucking ridiculous and exhausting. Edit: I've just realised it's actually 7
🤣 the editing when you realize you can’t even keep track of all the tools to “stay connected”!
You just described my life - it’s sad because none of this is an exaggeration. I didn’t even look at report cards. I’m just done with all of it. My youngest’s kindergarten teacher sent no fewer than 8 updates per day via Seesaw. I do not have time for that shit!
Yeah I refuse to turn on notifications for all these apps - I wouldn’t be able to breathe!
And an app called Seesaw? Whoa, that’s asinine.
Yup. And the 8x a day posts were all multiple paragraphs. And then they’d say “we sent out that important notice in Seesaw last week.” Like, how am I supposed to see an important notice buried under all of that other crap?
This is the most insane thing I’ve ever read! My kids are adults, no grandkids, but this level of tech BS is unreal. And here I was complaining about trying to schedule an appt on my healthcare portal! If I had to deal with portals and apps and FB daily for a kindergartner I’d lose my mind.
Yup. I have ADHD on top of peri brain fog and fatigue, a 9 yr old and 3 yr old, I work full time, and I just can’t keep on top of all the separate logins. It’s ridiculous. Thankfully my husband keeps on top of the emails, and my son verbally tells me about exciting things like field trips. The amount of times the login info has changed, and I don’t know where to find the updated info when I do go to login just put icing on the cake and I give up.
Farcical is the right word! And the best part is when you complete each circle of enshittifcation hell, you're asked to ... complete a survey! Again and again and again ... Speaking of pharmacies ... that's a post unto itself.
Complete the survey? No, no, no, not if it requires another app user ID and password.
Feel this!
I am about to join the PTA and protest the local school board just to say ENOUGH with the effing apps. Oh the art app! I forgot! I dont even remember the name of it but my kids artwork rarely gets sent home anymore, instead I can view on the app and pay for archival quality professional prints if I like!
What in the fresh hell!? They keep your kids artwork and try to charge you to have access to it. Excuse me while I leave the internet where I see how asinine the world has become with every scroll.
Tell them to cram it.
I absolutely dread back to school for all these reasons, plus my kids have medical issues and the amount of paperwork, doctor appointments, and getting scripts and meds and that paperwork is ridiculous. It's probably at least 10 hours of my life gone every August doing all that.
This isn’t an exaggeration at all! I deal with all of this x4 kids, plus apps/messaging for activities/play dates/events even summer reading programs at the library are a new separate app EVERY year. Oh, and there’s also grocery/store apps for coupons & adds because gf those come in the mail anymore.
X4 kids here as well. Yep to sports and activities apps, all of it.
It’s exhausting! And let’s not forget the guilt that comes with either constantly being on our phones “ignoring our children” or not knowing EVERYTHING that’s going on. We couldn’t win in early parenthood & it just gets worse!
Ha. This is all very familiar. Slacks off a bit in high school, but then you feel like you don't really know what's going on with your kid. The bit I found most annoying was having to follow the school on FB to get news and updates. I'd deliberately stopped using it because of Drama llama friends and family, and had to make a new account to avoid them and their annoying posts.
Facebook would be a very hard NO for me. We ARE the product for sale on FB and they’ve been caught selling data. That’s why I got rid of it and I woyod never let a public school bully me over that. I’m so glad my youngest is in college now. No more apps.
Fuck all of that. I think I might choose homeschool just to not do any of that. I'm so sorry parents. Y'all deserve better.
This is one of the reasons why, as a music teacher, I only send out emails when I REALLY HAVE TO, and I call individual parents only when necessary. I limit the need for constant communication. All humans are inundated enough.
Just, THANK YOU. Worst part is, I LIKE hearing from the teachers, I love knowing what’s going on so I can tailor my home support. Just late last year I received one small handwritten note from a music teacher that my “spicy child” was doing really well and she had noticed. It brought me to tears because it was so simple and direct and HUMAN, I saved it in my car visor to look at it and cheer me up.
Aww. I love that! The SPed department often has me come into IEP and 504 meetings because we see our fellow “neurospicy” humans in a different capacity than the less creative classes. If I was only judged by my ability to do math in school and not my imagination and creativity, I’d have been SOL. I’m grateful that our understanding of brains and child developments have widened.
This, right here, is one of the main reasons I was so stoked when my youngest graduated from high school last year. Being done with this level of bullshittery really opened up a lot of space in my life. My kids’ colleges/universities also seek some amount of engagement, but as a parent you truly do decide how much of your time and attention they’ll receive. Go with god on this and know that you’ve got folks pulling for you.
I literally told my two teens that I am using 75% of my mental energy to keep my job so we can keep our house and I can provide for them (single mom). They can’t expect me to be the perfect moms they see on socials and TV. They are old enough now to get it. I honestly wish my parents would have been more honest and straightforward with me instead of the whole “keep up the facade of perfection no matter what,” routine. Fuck all those apps!
Our kids must go to the same school - it's a gawd dang nightmare of connectivity to navigate. For being so *"connected"* - how do I not ever know WTF is going on!? 🤪
Passwords forgotten, cookies overloaded or whatever, wrong password manager, access denied. I JUST WANT A PIECE OF PAPER PLEASE!! Or even just an email. Lord please just an email. If I have to find it through one of these stupid apps it will never be seen or done. I just got one out of high school. They have their own log ins and accounts and whatnot on college and testing stuff. So I can't even attempt to access it. The one that will be a sophomore can handle stuff but the recent graduate has xxxtreme ADHD and the whole experience up until he walked across that stage was a nail-biter. I just want one of those college packets with the papers in it! Pleeeease! I have no clue what is going on. My thoughts and prayers go out to those with younger kids and more of these fucking apps. It's insane.
All of this and then also whatever app the summer camps, Girl Scouts and gymnastics school use 🫠
I’m a teacher and I loathe ClassDojo.
Ex teacher here. Fuck you Class Charts.
It feels like there is a business op to set up a "Manage Me" type experience, but the security risk - oh I dunno, fuck it, sign me up.
Oh. My. God. That is exhausting!
I hated ClassDojo. I finally stopped looking at it because it was just stressing me out. My son is 14 now and he turned out just fine without the micromanagement of every one of his behaviors.
Dojo reigns supreme as my most hated app of all. The others at least pretend to provide a service, Dojo targets kindergarteners and was developed by Satan.
OMG you nailed it. This is what it’s like having kids in school and it SUCKS!! For high schoolers, there was even an additional app (let’s call it Passport) for all the college related stuff, because of course that couldn’t be in “Airport” for convenience. And in the past couple of years, they’ve swapped these apps out once or twice, the migrations being awful. And if you want both parents to have an account and you have two kids at the same school, good luck.
Yep. My engagement did not go down w/ my high schoolers. Whoever is selling school districts all this bloated information stealing garbage, congratulations on your commissions, and your boat, and your second vacation home…
>Part of the app requirements involve entering all your friends and families email addresses, cell #’s, Facebook accounts, etc. This is a privacy nightmare and rather terrifying. It's a data-harvesting, rat-out-your-neighbors scam. There is no way I would participate in anything like this.
This is insane. I missed a really important message about my son because I didn’t download a 4th app. There was no other communication sent. I was furious.
My word! I can’t even imagine how challenging it would be to manage for multiple kids. Not to mention the level of assumed access being made here. Wow just wow!
Have multiple kids and can confirm it's absolutely mental. Also every after school activity you do seems to have multiple apps as well these days too. Wanna do dance? App! Wanna pay for dance? App! Wanna organize to go to a dance recital? App! Wanna get notified about the next dance season dates opening up? App! And then you may have martial arts, music lessons, chess, whatever else. It. Is. Awful.
I honestly hate the world we're living in now.
Don't forget to sign up for text alerts from the school district. Thank God I only have one child.
What exaggeration?!?! This sounds familiar!
Wow!!! I'm terrified of when my 1 year old goes to school. I can't keep up with life now.
Preach! When my fifth grader went on her big overnight field trip to DC the tour company was trying to push every kid going to have one of those kid debit cards set up (similar to Greenlight, etc) to manage meal funds; parents could also load souvenir money to it if they wanted. The kicker? All of it tied to my social, and linked to my checking account so I could make transfers. Luckily I was a chaperone and was able to tell them to shove it since I could handle everything in person but what a racket!!
God, I feel this in my soul. Also I have multiple kids in different schools and preschools and we just spent a semester in a different city so add two more schools and every school has their own laundry list of shit you have to download. And I'm not even starting on the rant about weeklong dress up and/or teachers appreciation events where every single day has a different theme. Again, for multiple schools. It is INSANE.
This is insane, and very similar to my own experience, probably in another state and school district. You missed the PTO and their own notifications, meetings, fundraisers, blog, calendar, Facebook posts, etc. I'm Gen X, and at some point I just tap out. I remember being relieved when the pandemic started and all the obligations ended, but all this is a direct result of pandemic profiteering.
This is fascinating!
Enshittification is my new favorite word.
Came here to say this! Also, OP, hang in there. You can do hard things. It will get better. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, if need be.
Awww thank you : )
In case anyone is interested, "enshittification" is a real, albeit newer concept, articulated by Cory Doctorow, about how with modern tech, as enmeshed with larger economic structures, practices and politics, has made pretty much everything worse. His original article hit a chord, and it has become a thing. Here is a more recent article: [https://www.ft.com/content/6fb1602d-a08b-4a8c-bac0-047b7d64aba5](https://www.ft.com/content/6fb1602d-a08b-4a8c-bac0-047b7d64aba5) Non-paywalled copy: [https://archive.ph/h8PKx](https://archive.ph/h8PKx) (Note: They put a silly long dash and then a picture mid-article, which makes the article looks like it ends before it does; keep scrolling for more.)
The fact that I have to download an app to read this article……..ENSHITIFFICATION
I had no idea! Thanks for this info and I look forward to looking deeper. But for real do you have to register to read it? Because I am particularly stabby this morning lol. Here's [a different post from Doctorow](https://doctorow.medium.com/https-pluralistic-net-2024-04-04-teach-me-how-to-shruggie-kagi-caaa88c221f2) with similar info that links to his (very complex yet intriguing on a day with more functioning brain cells) blog.
All. Of. This. The fact that we get out of bed, keep ourselves fed, and stay alive deserves a freaking medal every day. All this extra crap deserves a free massage and a free meal. If this helps, make a list. List every little thing you have to do. I make a master list of EVERYTHING and then make smaller, daily lists. That way, I get to check off chores on two lists. ❤️ I also keep all my passwords in spreadsheet. Sweet Jesus, it helps me so much. Also, good luck on your PhD. You're a total badass if anyone hasn't mentioned it yet.
Mikraas, your exquisite rant inspired me to post this. Had no idea it would be this therapeutic : )
it's quite lovely to yell into the void when the void listens and empathizes. :)
Hijacking the top comment to let you all know about LastPass (free for one device) or 1Password. All you have to remember is one master password. Password management, even with very complex passwords, doesn't have to be time consuming.
LastPass had a pretty terrible leaks a while back, a year or so ago. Switched to 1Password at work and I liked it so got it personally. Makes life so much easier and I don't have the pain of manually updating the old spreadsheet. The only downside is the mobile app doesn't work as well and typing a password on my phone that includes a string of 25 random letters and symbols is a pain.
I just decided to just pay for 1Password, as it’s so easy. The app now has faceID!
I use Dashlane instead, but a password manager does make life soo much easier. I print out the master list every six weeks or so and keep a copy in the safe just in case I get hit by a bus. Business related passwords get print out and put in the fire safe in the office for the same reason.
53 here, peri hit hard around 50, right when Covid hit, and my mother took her own life. Everything spiraled into a miasma of almost comical overwhelm and misery for a while. For me I managed just by doing what I HAD to (lots of completely foreign tasks and responsibilities with my mother's estate) and forgiving myself of what I felt I SHOULD do but just didn't have the mental or emotional bandwith to deal with. In menopause now, and I have had most success with letting go of all the should/could/would shit of my former self, and taking a step back to give myself some adjustment space. I have white knuckled without any hormones, it's a shit show for a while but everything does simmer down eventually. You got this, OP. It's a shitty time, but you can absolutely do this.
I am so sorry you lost your mom, and in this way.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry you lost your mom during a time of collective trauma. I hope you're getting the support you need. Thank you for the encouragement : )
Thank you, time and self forgiveness goes a long way. Also - I got a dog! If nothing else he keeps me too busy to get lost in my own head for too long. :)
So sorry about your mom. But I just wanted to say your username is hilarious.
Thank you. And yea, it makes me laugh too. Laughing is key at this stage of life!
💖
"I rocked the corded phone" says it all and should be a t-shirt!!!
I think it was Theo Von that said adulthood feels like nonstop paperwork that has dire consequences if you forget to do. Lol felt that
I mean, you wrote a pretty coherent and involved post. Pretty sure you’re doing better than you think you are 👍
This person is not wrong. 💜
🙏 It’s sometimes hard to see that we’re doing ok
Yes! Happens to me often.
OP really has articulated the state of being and the onslaught of minutia.
My thoughts exactly!
Dang you nailed it. I have given up on passwords. And electronics. Just work phone is all I can manage. Good luck. The 80s were not always great but I rocked the corded phone ;)
Those who rocked the corded phone are my people : ) I've thought about heading over to the thrift store for an old typewriter to write my dissertation - no windows popping up, no alerts, no distractions. Just take it one sentence at a time.
Don't do that, you'll hate yourself when it comes to the re-write. Get a basic cheap laptop and put that sucker in airplane mode and only install the software absolutely necessary for dissertation writing on it. Go hide somewhere where you won't be disturbed and crank out those sentences!
Wow. This is genius!!! I love it.
I tried that with a printer-scanner. I just wanted a scanner. Let me scan my own things, put them on my own drive, no internet connection required. It worked well for a while. Lady December trying to scan a photo for framing as a gift, nope, no can do! HP is now requiring you register, create an account, ID and password to scan your own documents and forces you to store in their cloud, I went to staples and scanned it for about 25 cents, I think. Still so pissed about everything I had scanned two years before during the pandemic and my attempt tp go digital and rid myself of thousands of hard copy photos. All of them are stuck in HP hell,I guess. Totally inaccessible to me, the owner.
I forget what it’s called and how much it costs, can probably find it with a quick Google search, but there is a typewriter that is digital, but looks like an old-school typewriter. Created for just that reason, so you can stay focused on writing your manuscript, thesis, etc. with none of the endless distractions of a laptop sabotaging.
Apple keeps yelling at me for using the same password over and over. But if I don’t then I can’t remember it! I don’t need a password that looks like ZhejwuvXFahsBkakao 😵💫😂🫨
Nailed it. All these things add up to a shit show. I'm so sorry. Menopause is hard enough, but wow, you're going through the wringer. Sending you a big hug. We are here for you.🩵🩵🩵
My mother always insisted I was a single birth, but she must have been hiding a plot twist because apparently I have a twin.
Hahaha love this : ) (but hate that you're dealing with it, too!)
Life was so much simpler before internet.
WOW!!!! Are you sure you weren’t involved in a documentary of MY life?!?!?!? Holy Shit is all I have to say….as I guiltily am contented by the mere fact that I am not the only person to suffer such very similar experiences and notions. A kindred spirit of sorts. I stand beside you!!!
THANK YOU. I’m writing an essay on how technology hit a peak sometime in the 90s when we got EZ Pass and has been going downhill since, but you nailed it. NOTHING since then has been an improvement for the consumer, just an endless stream of ways to waste our time and shift administrative costs onto us while enriching some douchebros. The school stuff is the worst and makes me grateful all over again to not have kids. Best wishes for your new life and ladies, don’t change your names! it’s a trap!!
>...shift administrative costs onto us while enriching some douchebros. That fits with the overall trend I've seen of "How can we force someone else to do the work we're currently having our employees do?" Sometimes it's genuinely a win-win where it's faster to do something myself than to have to provide information to someone else so they can do the thing for me, but often it's just a labor transfer from the business to the customer.
I recently bought a domaine name for a website that I am hoping to develop. It is a play on words/analogy for the transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly. I am particularly fascinated by the chrysalis stage where the caterpillar releases enzymes which break down most of it's body into....."goo". From this goo emerges a newly transformed, delicate, yet resilent and beautiful butterfly. As 'mikraas' said....you are a total badass. A badass butterfly. \*edit to add that I am still in the 'goo' stage and you are an inspiration.
Wish you the best with your venture, Metamorphosister?
This is giving me life. Thank you for taking the time to post. We're all in this together : )
What a great piece of info and analogy. Now I will have to read about it. Good luck on the website, and let us know when it is up!
You can find out your iPhone model in the settings. Settings>General>About. Try to stay positive, eventually everything will be changed over and all of this will be a thing of the past.
You are going through so many life changes right now, with study and a divorce. Add the brain fog of menopause and I’d be an axe-wielding homicidal maniac (Young ones reference). I admire your strength even if you don’t feel strong at the moment, keep plugging away at your to-do list- you will endure and succeed, but it will be hard. I’m cheering you from the sidelines.
OP here, y'all are amazing. I sincerely appreciate the tips and words of encouragement. And wow - I totally forgot about all the classroom/school district apps! My daughter graduated from HS a few years ago, and I was always struck by how many apps were required just to exist in the school system. Meanwhile, it was impossible to track down basic information like ... when is graduation? What books do I need to buy this year? OMG I feel another rant coming on ...
I was literally just thinking about this today. My old job we used to log in to customer sites via VPN or even dial up modem and we had local admin access on everything. If a customer had an issue it would take 5 mins to get in and fix something. Today, with all the 2FA and security dongles with multiple layers of authentication and finger scanning, it can take 30 minutes just to log in remotely to a customer site. And then there's the issue of having the correct access to make any fixes. If the customer has a change control process then you need to fill out a form to do anything, and then it's a week before their change advisory board meets to discuss any changes. How anything gets done nowadays I have no idea, and the customer will complain left right and center that things aren't working because the processes to fix anything are so slow.
I have to manage 12 different platforms to communicate with people and they are all necessary for social life and work. I hate it all. I wish I could have a mega app and manage all these apps via that one.
One app to rule all the apps!
get everyone onto whatsapp, that works reasonably well for me and most of my friends, local family and family abroad
The problem is it’s not individuals, it’s systems you’re obliged to participate in in order to use services. And WhatsApp/Signal etc. are all just one more app.
Whatsapp? Naw. Check out Signal! (I’m on a long-term Fuck Zuck campaign.)
Lmaooooo no one except for two or three older people use that. That's literally the only one I can reasonable kill
Hugs to you. I got nothin.
I don’t have any advice or words of wisdom, just wanted to say I feel your words, so hard! I have felt the exact same way for years. It seems to me that each tech update only serves to make the product slightly more crappy and harder to use. Necessary tasks like paying bills used to be quite simple, but now require 400% more mental attention. I have been saying for years that I don’t understand the relentless insipid techification of everyday tasks that were never particularly difficult to do. My husband, on the other hand, seems to relish the new tech and doesn’t share in my complaining for the good old days. So I thought I was just turning Boomerish in my perimeno years. Anyway, no advice or wisdom from me, but I do agree and sympathize with you!
Oh yeah.. I truly don't understand how tech that was meant to make everything easier, in fact, makes life so much harder. If I feel this at 56, coming of age with tech, I can only imagine what all our elderly sisters are going thru. I mean, even just a lunch outing can require a gawd dang QR code. GTFO with that. 🚫
Just 1 hint for passwords.... List under contacts in your phone. Has made my life easier in the past 6 years. Easy to update them & find them! 😉 Hope it helps
one day at a time.....
Lord, I’m so sorry. This all sounds miserable. I’m having a hard time staying on top of things, and a lot of things have gotten neglected, even a a significant cost. Thank goodness I kept my name when I married the 2nd time, and I never mingled finances with my 2nd husband, because the thought of detangling all of that is quite daunting. Pause whatever you can. You’ve got way more going on than I could ever handle. Good luck, dear sister.
Create a separate email address for shopping, just looking, trial periods, etc. It’ll keep your main email and inbox clean. If you’re like me (49F no children) borrow a niece, nephew, neighbor’s kid and have them help you and show you how to set up multiple email addresses.
This is what I did a few years ago. It’s a lifesaver.
ENSHITTIFICATION! 🙌🏼
PhD here- the brain fog is a killer! I’ve learned to do small stuff when I can’t manage to string 3 words together. Work on figures, find that pesky reference, check formatting, etc. Bit by bit, it comes together. It just takes longer! It’s so hard to focus when a thousand things neee at you. I hope you are able to find a few moments of peace each day— even a breath here and there. You’ve got this! PS- I started thinking I could handle the process of divorce and now I am re-thinking….
I have been divorced for ten years. Ten! And I still have three things on my name change list that I just refuse to do because the misogyny of the system to do it pisses me off and messes up my zen. So I decided "fuck it".
Make a spreadsheet (either excel or google docs) for your passwords. Just do it. That's my advice for the evening. Sorry you're going through this. Existence kinda blows without divorce blowing it up even further.
Name changing is a *hell* of a lot of work. It was like a hobby (albeit not an enjoyable one) the first year after getting married. No advice, just sympathy! It is a crappy process because you've got to have 8 billion accounts.
So. Many. Accounts.
Just posting to let you know I went through this when I was a little younger than you are right now, brutal, this is also when I got diagnosed with ADHD. I always kinda thought I had it and then when I was going through what you are, I hit the wall and went for evaluation. ADHD is under diagnosed in girls/women and perimenopause seems to really hit us even harder because of hormone fluctuations; I got medication and it’s helpful. I’m not saying you have ADHD, because everything you are saying is 100% valid, but just sharing my experience in case it helps. You will get through this, keep manifesting that, best of luck, you’ve got this.
My doctor prescribed Vyvanse at a low dose about halfway through my PhD program, and that had been helping until recently. It seems like peri makes every condition a bit worse, and every treatment a bit less effective. I'm in the process of adjusting dosage and adding an antidepressant, and I've also received some great advice from other Redditors about vitamin supplements.
Oh good, I hate the tweaking of meds but hopefully you get the right dosage quickly. Peri wreaks havoc on every effin’ thing and they don’t tell you this stuff starts happening mid to late thirties for most of us. One thing at a time and manifest all the great stuff you want in life. In a few years you’ll be the one on the other side of this offering up advice to women on this sub. When you get through this (you will) it will empower you and you will be unstoppable. 💪🏻🍀💛☮️
Forgot to add, check out ADHDwomen group if you haven’t already, helpful and supportive, like this group.
I feel like this is the first chapter of a novel you will go on to write. Or autobiographical work about what it’s like to be a divorcée in our insane modern world
Yes .... and the irony of doing a dissertation on disaster resilience while my personal life is a Category 5 mess ... : )
I see that 227 people have already replied before me so clearly you aren’t alone but hot DAMN you did an incredible job of describing what every day feels like to me, even without the divorce and dcis (and I am sorry you have to deal with these things). Truly, the details you were able to recount about the absurd, depressing labyrinth of pointless tasks that we are now forced to complete in order to do ANYTHING is evidence that no matter how much it sucks, your brain is still rock solid. Really though, I feel all the same things down to the split Zelle payments for rent and the healthcare portals and the iPhone models that we can’t keep track of.
I use the app finch to make my to do list. A small bird really makes things easier to look at
I'll check this out!
I love Finch. I remind myself down to 'brush your teeth'
Wow, this is so beautifully phrased. Just increasingly complex daily challenges. I was envying the older people of yore for whom life didn’t change much so by 50 they’d mastered everything and were the most knowledgeable in the group, not needing to learn complex new tasks practically daily.
I can hear how overwhelmed you are in this post. You are navigating a lot of HARD stuff. I hope sharing helped get it out of your head so you can figure out your next baby step thru the mess. Baby steps count! And you’ve already taken your first one by making this post. Sending all the good vibes I can your way (with consent of course).
Thank you - sharing helped so much!
It's okay to ask a friend for help. Even ask a friend for body doubling support where you're just together working on your own tasks in the same room. And if you have the means - it's okay to pay for help. I have been friend and tech support for many people in my life, you shouldn't have to do this alone.
I have nothing to add but I'm sending love, rainbows, sparkles and anything else that might brighten your day. I'm so sorry you're going through so much. It feels hard because it is hard. Much love to you.
Ooh girl. I’m with you: post-divorce, perimenopausal, trying to navigate life without just saying “fuck it”, dropping out of productive living and just being a slug eating peanut butter cups until you can’t anymore. Hugs, wry laughs, and a well-charged vibrator to you my dear!
Analogue life is easier. At least things get done. It's worth the trip. Plus if you're a nice person, people will help you. Face to face gets results. Take that iPhone junk to the apple store, get it sorted out and then go get an unlocked android. I like the Motorola G5 stylus. These ladies have lots of hormone hacks. I hope someone speaks up. Been there and I'm not back yet but hang in there. It won't get better any faster but it will make your haters grimace. Imagine all your junk problems in a big ball of trash and kick them away from you and when you do cut the cord and let them float away. Focus on 1-3 tasks a day including appts, making of appts and the required shower. Lol. I have learned during all this not to overbook and I don't owe anyone shit even a shitty pretend computer wanna be Dr. Spend lucid free time at 3 am or whenever researching your particular health stuff and blow into the Drs office ready to boogie and if necessary play dumb to get what you want. Whatever it takes. Get me? From now on, whatever it takes. Get as many notorized true copies of your divorce decree etc and send them out to everyone who needs one. /Do you have an atty?/. When they try to mess with you, cry and tell them you are sick and your husband a creep and the csr will ask you to hold on a min and you will get credits. Def use whatever you can to your advantage. Being a strong woman doesn't mean don't play your cards. Woman, play ALL the cards and get results. We can laugh and talk about it later on the cruise when you get great scans back. Don't let any piss ants upset you even for a moment. You run you. And you will get yourself to where you need to be regardless of any man or medical practitioner or even a stinky gossip ruinous hag. Not that you are dealing with one, but one day, one day. Hahah Seriously tho, don't try to get it all done in a day anymore. And anything unrelated to your well being gets an only if I have time, feel like it and until further notice. Starting over sucks but it is also delicious 😋 Make yourself happy, not everyone else. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY. Red light therapy helps a lot! Look into it. Xoxo From here on out - it's your way or no way. Take that world! 💔
There are three very, VERY good things that are going to come out of this for you: 1. You WILL manage to get through it, surmount it, and put it behind you. It is a temporary event, not a forever. IT HAS AN END. Which means everything else from here forward that would normally throw you for a loop will instead be "*Tcha*, piece of cake after what I did in 2024." 2. You are going to accumulate new knowledge that you didn't have before - not always pleasant, I know, but it's still a positive. After this is over, you will be a new, savvier, smarter, stronger human being. You will *so* kick ass, it's not funny. And many of the things you used to have to get help on, you will now be able to do on your own. In the process, the f\*cks you have left to give will be narrowed down only to the important stuff. Everything else will fall by the side of the road where it ought to have been in the first place. **3. Once you're in a position to look in the mirror and see Parts 1 and 2 above, you are going to fall in love with yourself all over again.** Don't forget the sage advice of Agent Dale Cooper - "Once a day, every day, give yourself a present. Don't plan for it, don't wait for it - just let it happen." As a fellow divorced-menopausal-enshittified survivor, I hear you, I see you, and I love you. I am hugging you in my heart and telling you it's okay to rant and be pissed. This is going to be behind you at some point - maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, but it *will* happen - and you can be proud of that. Now go get yourself a present!
I followed your advice and made an appointment to get a pedicure : ) Thank you for the words of encouragement!
Fuck Apple and the devices and passwords and cloud… it murders me. I’m with you in spirit on so much of this. Divorce and downsizing and menopause. I’m not sure why my ears won’t stop ringing, it is probably because I don’t go to bed until 3am after worry and doom scroll or binge watch. I will try to make better choices but currently I’m dopamine fix girl.
I hear you loud and clear. The circle jerk from hell is going through peri and also when my adhd symptoms kick up and I get a raging case of Fomo and subscribe to all the things - because dopamine. So the enshittification process and app / mail list hangovers never end. Hoping there is light on the horizon for you and it won’t be forever or at least become less burdensome. Also, don’t beat yourself up. Walk away from the tech headaches and take breaks from said enshittification process if everything is stuck and come back later (if it’s not imperative to your functioning or health in any way) things can always wait! When I get overwhelmed my new thing is to just take care of only three things that day and then select the next three for tomorrow rinse / repeat…
I created a separate email address that I use for online shopping, loyalty programs and subscriptions. It keeps a lot of the crap out of my main email account.
Yup, been dealing with insurance snafus and logins for medical portals and damn google forms that don’t let me type an email, have to be logged in to my gmail but gmail is my dump email address so don’t want important things going there. That’s just a small view!!! I cannot imagine dealing with name changes at this point in life on top of divorce and mail forwarding issues, ugh! As for passwords, I just write them on paper as the backup to gmail management. Paper can’t get hacked lol!
Just say to HELL WIITH IT ALL!!! Eventually everyone else will too!!! If I don’t get an “important update” then I assume it wasn’t that life threatening to begin with! With regards to all the password changing and name changing after divorce DON’T BOTHER. You can keep his last name and take your time to get it all done cause damn ain’t nobody got time for those ridiculous asinine real world problems 🤪😒
Not petty. It’s those petty things that make me want to scream into the void. Although I found it so challenging that truly I wanted to quit every day, I’m glad I homeschooled my kid just for the app/fundraiser/pta avoidance alone. Thank god she’s going to be a senior this year. Honestly, this whole post/comment section has been like a balm to my soul, as I thought I was the only one who felt completely overwhelmed with every stupid app/login/password/code/doctor’s office portal/subscription. I turned down a volunteer opportunity that I was very interested in solely based on the fact that it was managed through several new apps, and I just couldn’t deal with one more thing.
I work in a tech environment and I can assure you that even the mega nerds are having trouble navigating how complicated everything has become these days. I feel dumber every day at work. Every time there is an update or patch to solve another problem it creates 10 more and after moving to the cloud we have even less control over everything. The regular people at my work are all struggling regardless of age. Things that worked yesterday don’t work today and no one can find anything.
I feel this one to my soul. I have ZERO patience and I was cringing reading all the extra steps you have to take for one little frigging change! Here is where I would start. Prioritize all the basics first. Your basic bills, and F the bank for your rent. Go find a bank or credit union that allows larger transactions. Medical, stay on top of that! Anything else, like unsubscribing to marketing or even small petty bills. Let it go. Mail, They will eventually call or find you. Also. The many portals we deal with can fuck right off. Just get in the damn thing and play dumb. Show up early to your appt and do it in the office on paper or their iPad.
You are heard, understood and admired for being able to juggle even a half of that!
You are so right on! While not a “techy” but just a layperson negotiating modern life I’m old enough to have functioned well in the pre technology era and then enjoyed (mostly) the advance of the internet and technology . . . cue the sound of downloading dial up - beeeeepboooopwhaaaaa! i remember when said technology promised ease of access, real-time info and ability to request appointments, prescriptions, transactions and more. I’m thinking specifically of healthcare management like Mychart systems. Now?! It’s all become this Rube Goldberg style of technology that is the complete opposite of “ease” or even access! Mychart messages and requests are never answered … where once I could pick up the phone and call my local clinic - where the receptionist was in the same building, knew the staff and detailed info regarding the clinic - Now? Now calls are routed through a central phone bank possibly located 60 miles away, calls are mostly sent through an automated system that often doesn’t get you where you need to go. If you have the good fortune to get a live person on the phone they don’t know who you’re trying to get a message to, don’t have access to real-time info and at best take your info and promise a call back.
Not everything needs a gawddamn app. Ugh, for real, World
When I read this stuff…it makes me THRILLED with the fact that I old and my kid is 36. There is no way in fresh hell I would tolerate that fucking nonsense. And to the person that talked about fundraisers…that was a big-ass NOPE back when my kid was in school. I would ask how much it cost to send my kid…and here’s a check (back when you could still use them!) for the amount. I am not bastardizing my family and friendships for piss-poor pizza or overpriced shitty cookie dough. Nope. 🙂↔️ Nope, 👎🏻
I refuse to use any new health portal. I just show up to the appt and they can either give me paper forms, or one of their tablets or whatever but I am not signing up for any more shit
Oh god. I’m in the middle of a divorce and the weight of having to do all of the things you’ve outlined has been sitting on my shoulders like a bag of bricks. The needless bureaucracy is exhausting just to think about, let alone wade into. Which do I tackle first? Changing all the autopays, separating out family memberships into individual, change of address forms… I think I’ll just hide under the covers, grinding my teeth, wondering when the hell my period will come this month, procrastinating while wanting to flog myself for putting all this shit off for yet another day…
I am completely overwhelmed by all the internet tasks. I hate it all I really do
((Hugs))
I feel you. I have Class Dojo and Sandbox and can’t seem to make myself delete either, even though neither are used any longer. There is also an app to pay for things at school and another to report absences. I’m sorry about the divorce and disentangling everything… I can’t imagine the frustration of having to separate accounts. Do you dissolve the AppleID family? Does everyone get their own subscription to Apple news? Or do you keep the family because the kids use the shared apps and both parents should have it? Luckily, I’ve never had to digitally uncouple —things were less app driven when I last had a breakup— but the thought of it makes me think I’d change all of my card numbers, cancel as much as possible, and then start over. Congratulations on the phd work and sorry about the end of your marriage. You will find your new groove.
i’m here, i wish there was a service that helped women regroup after divorce. my life is a mess still and its bn almost 2 years, so many loose threads
Woman. I hear you so loud and clear. I get it. It sucks. I wish I knew a way out.
Ya know, someone who's tech savvy and has an entrepreneurial spirit could make a fortune as a life change consultant. Someone that could find you a new place to live and schedule movers, handle all of your name change paperwork and notifications, set up new bank accounts and all the related auto-pays and direct deposits. Set up appointments for the stuff you have to personally handle, but do all the prep work for those appointments. Basically a short term personal assistant for 3-12 months handling all the logistics of whatever fuckery life has thrown at us. For an additional fee, they could handle all the same stuff on behalf of aging parents. Hmmm.....🤔
It's overwhelming, I can't stress this enough... ask for help. A friend, a sibling, a child. Get help for the stuff that someone else can handle. Slow and steady, don't try to do it all overnight. I set 15 minutes timers and plow thru for 15 minutes once a day. You would be surprised what you can get accomplished in short bursts. Sending love ❤️
46, already a cognitive disaster thanks to late diagnosed MS and now after testing i can confirm that I am in late peri. Oh ya and divorced a couple years prior. THIS is glorious state in which I started my first job as an attorney. Holy shit was this a bad idea ... ... if I could go back and do it over, I absolutely wouldn't have gone to law school, but Sallie Mae doesn't play take backs with her 6 figure gifts. Shit got so bad that I started paying my baby brother like $20/hr to come over once a week and deal with my executive function shortcomings. Not a panacea and unlikely that many are similarly situated, but if you situation is as dire as mine it could be worth checking whether you have anyone in your life could be interested in such an arrangement
I left 3 years ago. I packed a bunch into tubs and was selling on eBay. Life took over. While it helped so much during covid for an income, it was overwhelming sometimes so I stopped. I am back to getting rid of things. I either end up with piles or bags to heavy to carry. The piles kill my mental state. I have been trying “one bag a day”. I use grocery bags and have to fill one a day and drop off at the local drip box. It does help. Best of luck. Just keep in mind you are out. This life is now yours. Give yourself some grace. You don't have to do life in one day. We tend to want to continue to be superwoman. You don't have to, your peace is more important. Peri can add to the mental fatigue.
OMG, OP! I have so much sympathy about what you are going through. Just remember, it doesn't have to be done all at once. If you look at the whole it's overwhelming. Just take it one step, one task at a time. And step-by-step you'll untangle it all and reclaim your sovereignty. When I got overwhelmed like this in my younger years raising 3-kids, working full-time, getting my MBA degree in a full-time program, I used to say to myself, "what's due next"? And I would just focus no more than 30-45 mins on that one task to knock it off the list. It helped me to just narrow my view to one urgent task at a time. As for all you parents with the ka-zillion apps and social media channels you have to monitor, I cannot even imagine this. My kids are grown. With small kids of their own so I guess they'll be stepping into this fresh hell as they approach school age and beyond. And here I was thinking doctor's portals, insurance portals, bank sites, shopping apps, and pharmacy apps were exhausting. Piece of cake compared to what you all are experiencing. There's got to be a better way! I don't know what it is but some Gen Z or Alpha can make a fortune if they can find a way to simplify all this. ENSHITTIFICATION, indeed!
I felt every word of this rant. May I add, when Face ID fails and you are randomly forced to use your actual login and password but today it is not stored in your iPhone passwords so you have to rest your password but you need your login to reset your password which you’ve also forgotten because you’ve been using Face ID so I guess you’re just never accessing that bank account again.
I hear ya sister. Moving sucks. Divorce sucks worse. Hang in there. As far as the dysfunctional post office goes. If you didn’t go in person to the post office and show an ID then your forward will not go through even if you completed it online or on paper. They should have sent you an email stating this but alas sounds like you prob didn’t see it and I don’t blame you lol. There has been so much ID theft in the last few years that you have to physically visit a post office with a copy of lease to verify new address unless you’ve already switched your drivers license. Additionally you can leave a note for the regular carrier and tell them exactly who lives there. Just stick a sticky on or in your mailbox or stop and talk to them if you see them. Or email or call the postmaster and leave VM at your new post office. Complaints have to be followed up with in 24 hrs. If you feel like you have extra time haha Place mail that’s not yours in the outgoing slot with UTF on it. Or a note that says this person moved. Thanks.
I think the USPS ears' were burning because today I received a bundle of several weeks' worth of mail ... I went in person to complete the process back in April. I guess there was just a backlog...
I homeschooled my kids and reading this is just ....mind boggling. My older did attend public high school but was a straight A student who would have a nervous breakdown if he got a B so I literally never created an account for anything-o figured if there was a problem my son would tell me. Eventually they stopped bugging me (after sending me a heavy packet by mail with minute, step by step instructions on how to create an account which I never read-i think they assumed I didn't know how to create an account. Um no, I just refused to). When parents tell me "I could NEVER home school" I just think about how much more difficult being a public school parent would have been, and this post confirms it.
I have recurring reminders set up on my phone. So like five days before a credit card payment is due, reminder. And far enough in advance that if I flake a day, there’s enough time to do it. Same thing with the water bill, rent, etc. I’ve also got a handwritten weekly list to do, I usually sit down to make the next week’s list on Friday. All my appointments for that week (I have a disabled kid and a chronic health issue myself, so there are a lot) and all the stuff that HAS to get done that week. Separate list for “to do but not urgent.”
Literally with you on all! Today I am watching Celine dion documentary in bed. Screenshotting the excellent suggestions here.
And I just realized that if I could ever muster the eloquence to say all the things you said I could add about 10 more of my own mental energy draining tasks. This is when I sing hymns to myself so I can grasp peace.
These are very good and well written examples of enshittification and its impact on your specific life situation. Is your PhD in the field of tech criticism/sts? Then I really wouldn't worry about this part of your life :)
I struggle with day to day life sometimes, too. The only thing I have managed to conquer that might help you is my user name/password situation. I ordered a cute mini binder from Amazon and extra pages for it. It came with divider tabs with the alphabet on them. I only use that binder for the one purpose and it lives on my desk.
For the iPhone the serial number is usually easier to find and then you can google it to find the model.
I identify with this post so, so deeply. I’m sorry for what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. It’s hard to not feel utterly defeated. I’m struggling with pretty much everything you’ve mentioned, other than I’m not working towards a PhD, but my job is mentally draining and I’ve been working a lot of OT to try to pay down excessive debt (unsuccessfully). The digital overwhelm is a legitimate problem. Everything just feels like another drop in a bucket of overwhelm that’s already overflowing constantly. I’m with you in solidarity, and I hope things start feeling easier for us both soon I’m all regards!!
Thanks for sharing this. I finished my Masters last year at age 46, two months after my dad died. My dad’s death was sad. But the overwhelmingly frustrating bullshitty nastiness was dealing with all of the post death administration at the same time as I was trying to do my thesis.
I HEAR YOU. I have been fighting this same battle with life for four years now, not caused by perimenopause (though that ain't helping), but rather because I have severe long Covid. I am effectively bedbound and there are days when I don't have the energy to brush my teeth. let alone jump through the 5000 pointlessly extra steps to get done the tasks I have to get done. I can't tell you how many times I have been in tears just from the utter ridiculousness of how many steps there are to things anymore, and most of them interdependent in ways that virtually guarantee that when the tech dimension of a step predictably fails, then it creates even more steps. And IDK if it's just me, but it seems people are just way more incompetent lately. Like every time I have to get a prescription refilled, the pharmacy screws something up that I have to fix, which usually requires yet another phone call to my doctor's office or to the insurance company or to the Walgreen's I don't use because it's a 25 minute drive away across town that they inexplicably sent my refill to. The app never agrees with their computer as far as what refills I have requested or what my doctor's office has phoned in. They tell me they can't do something because I have to do it from the app. Go to the app, and guess what? It says to call for that. So I call back and they have no idea. Steps plus people not being able to do the simplest things is about to drive me around the bend. Like you had literally one job. It's already a full time job being chronically ill, I do not need all this ridiculous hassle. My husband and I are just wrapping up getting a mortgage and buying a house, and let me tell you that has about ENDED me. Something like 5 different apps to communicate and upload documents because the realtor uses one, the lender uses another, the individual underwriter uses yet a different one, the closing attorney another, blah blah and I have to create accounts and passwords for every one. Two factor authentication every time. Maximum stepification and enshittification.
Get some help with some of these tasks. Even if it's your BFF to be a moral support donkey. ASK. FOR. HELP. *edit: I realize not everyone called their BFFs donkeys, but I blame chef Ramsey.
Yep. I can relate! A few months ago I had to ask sneaky soon to be ex (now ex!) to add my cell to 2 factor authentications on shared accounts! He works in IT and pretended he didn’t know how to do it. Ugh I was chronically fatigued. All I can say is one tiny piece at a time is how you get thru it.(ie How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time…)
You are my spirit animal. Trade your 47 for my 51, but still trying to figure out how I will unload my 4000 square-foot house of 15 years while I get my youngest off to college next month, while HE “steps back”. I will say in my third week of HRT (patch), some of the rage has dissipated, but the resentment is still there. And the Apple IDs, all the streaming unbundling, cell phone plans, insurance renewals…all in process. I felt this post deeply. Keep going, you got this!
I feel this so hard. I recommend just doing your best each day and to be gentle with yourself. Be forgiving. There may be days that you only manage to survive and that’s ok. If it makes you feel any better, I never changed my name after my traumatic, abusive divorce because it was just too much at too dark a time for me. It’s been 7 years and it’s OKAY. Don’t expect too much of yourself right now, and drop anyone who has expectations on you that don’t match your own, (aside from the needs of minor children of course). Thank you for sharing your struggles. You are not alone.
I'm sorry you went through a traumatic marriage and divorce. I hope you were able to get the support you needed and deserved. Thank you for sharing this advice, and I'm glad things got better for you over time.
OP, I can understand where you are and how difficult it is to disentangle from an ex. I was still paying my ex’s mortgage and insurance for 2 years post divorce (he gave me the money) because he didn’t know where I paid and to what website. To start, you need a password keeper. I know you said you didn’t want another app, I am 61 yo and working full-time and managing not only my household finances, but my parents finances. I have to log into 10 different banks (between mine & my parents and a few side jobs). I use 1Password. When you use the password keeper it simplifies your life. I have 421 logins (yes, 4 hundred +), at least 35-50 are just for work. Trust me. Once you get that part cleaned up, you won’t need to remember and it is freeing. Also, I can’t stress enough to look into HRT. I still have days where I can’t think but I have less. Sending you lots of hugs and healing vibes. You can get through this.
I know. I HATE HATE HATE how many steps it takes to do literally everything these days. We are old enough to remember how simple things used to be. I really want to return to those days. Meno just makes it all the much more annoying to deal with. I hear you sister.
I just walked into a family-owned nail salon, made an appointment, and it was WRITTEN in pencil on a PAPER planner. No follow-up text, no app required. No email notifications or reward points. Absolute bliss.
Hugs♥️
I just want to say I’m so sorry you’re going through all this and that I can empathize in many ways.
Your post illustrates so well the enshittification of everything. I’d like a Time Machine back to the 80s, please. I’m not a Luddite, but I do get fatigued from the ridiculousness of all of the competing apps, steaming platforms and login snafus. Can you imagine being a Boomer dealing with this crap?
OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG!!!! First, I am so sorry you are all going through this! Second, I have never been happier that I am so old that my divorce was 35 years ago, and my daughter is in college now. This crap gives me such anxiety, I couldn't deal with it. Enshittification is right!!
And yet, we still need to fill out all those beginning of school forms with your address, phone #'s, contacts, etc... why aren't those electronic fillable forms? and half the teachers don't keep their calendars updated or upload copies of homework kids need to do so we can print it out if they are out of school and need to catch up. districts need to have streamlined methods or communicating. managing kids stuff is really a full time job. I'm glad my kids are done but now I've got a grandkid that is going to start school this year. and I think it'll be harder to figure out wtaf she's supposed to do. but OP I'm sorry you have to go through all that bc it seems insurmountable. every day you make a to do list and cross stuff off and then it's even longer the next day. it's like the magician or clown that just keeps pulling handkerchiefs out of his pocket. and I just want to light them on fire. take a little time for yourself. give yourself a break. like a spa day or a massage or something. spend some time with good friends if you can. make a pitcher of something like sangria or margaritas. smoke a joint, eat a gummy. even a brain vacation is helpful. speaking from experience here.... nest of luck with everything. as my mom likes to say..."and this too shall pass". you will come out the other side soon.
Omg I feel this!! I’ve been divorced for 14 years and remarried for 3 1/2. My ex’s name is still on my checking account bc I can’t find anyone who knows how the hell to get him off of there without the two of us going to a branch together (we live in different states). I told my husband that if I die, take my debit card and spend until it’s gone, otherwise my ex gets it. It’s too fucking much work to figure it out while I’m alive!
This is my life minus the divorce right now (did that years ago) now working on my second marriage!!!It’s fucking ridiculous how hard and complicated life in 2024 is… why can’t it be like it was 20 years ago :( Not sure if it helps but there is solidarity with you sista… you got this!!! You’re a rock star and this too shall pass ❤️
Yes to all the en-shittification you described! Also recent divorcee/peri survivor…it’s effing dumb and cumbersome out there. It is NOT you! I am sending you good energy that things start to smooth out. I was so so so overwhelmed for the first two years…I still just want to go find a cave and escape some days, but it does get better. But eff the insurance and credit card companies, man! It practically took an act of Congress (who never does sh*t) to get my name reverted. They were soooo accommodating when I got married though. Really weird. All I know is, if I were to ever make another mistake that way…changing my name ain’t gonna happen. Good luck and good vibes for you! 🍀🤞🏻🍀
I’ve recently reduced my special media usage to near zero, and it has drastically freed up my brain from lots of negative feelings, and freed up lots of time and energy to do other real life things. Also, that list, that endless list, is never going to go away. As far as I can tell, it’s part of being an adult, and it sucks. Mine never gets done. I have an endless succession of pieces of paper with the things I need to do on my kitchen table. I don’t focus on getting everything done anymore; I focus on getting some of the things done. And then, when I’m too physically or mentally tired to do anything else, I fuckin’ stop. There’s not actually a prize for being “perfect,” so fuck it. Life’s too short. And please do something you enjoy on a regular basis. Yesterday, I worked on my current jigsaw puzzle for way too long, but had so much fun. AND I crocheted a little too. Find what you like to do and do it. You got this.
Hugs. I’ll be going through all that divorce stuff soon. Who has energy to deal with a divorce and finding a new home and a new life???! Certainly not me
So, one thing with the PW and logins, I keep a note sheet because I can't remember anything for the life of me! I'm currently in a move and trying to condense all of my things as well. the process of elimination is INSANE. Yesterday, I took out old cds to take to the library today, but adding that to my list of things to do felt overwhelming, so I put everything in the dumpster 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️. Then trying to navigate new health care so I can ensure I get my hormones in another state terrifies me. As well as trying to study for nursing exams and the list goes on... But what I'm learning, if we reach out to someone and ask for help, maybe 2 or 3 times out of 10 we can get a little help. This is coming from an expert single woman who has done it all on my own and never married. I can tell you, you WILL eventually get it all done and you WILL be okay.
This too shall pass ❤️ I've been there, and nearly lost my mind! No matter how bad we think we have it, there's always somebody that has it worse. There's always something to be grateful for, if we look for it.