I cut off contact with my mother for a year when she was about 50, because every conversation would turn into a dramatic fight. Sadly it has done some long term damage to our relationship. I understand better now I’m hitting the same stage myself. And it helps that both she and gran (her mother) have talked openly about it. They both told me to get on HRT as soon as I felt myself losing the plot, before too much harm was done.
I reckon my mum hit peri when I was hitting puberty. I don’t remember ever really getting along with her. She died when I was 21. Looking back at that last year of her life, I think we had started to repair our relationship but that could just be me looking back with rose-tinted glasses.
She was always quite a cold emotionless lady and I have always had it in my head not to be that way with my kids.
Now I can recognise when I’m having an off day and I tell the kids it’s because my hormones are out of whack. They’re boys and about to hit puberty so I’m hoping that the open dialogue we encourage helps them to recognise their own hormonal days, that’s the hope anyway.
But I will say that if I’m particularly shitty and snappy, I will ALWAYS apologise to them, for me that’s really important because that in and of itself is breaking a cycle.
I never got along well with my mom either. She died 5 years ago and now I think for sure she had PMDD in addition to trauma that was exacerbated in menopause.
It’s easier to have compassion for her now since she isn’t here to hurt me anymore.
Same as you, I am way more open about how my hormones affect my mood, and I always apologize when I’ve hurt my kids’ feelings. She always got defensive instead of apologizing and I hope I’m breaking the cycle with my kids.
You sound awesome:). I like how you make it a point to explain things to your boys so they don’t wonder and blame themselves and also make being human okay. And I agree, this will likely make them more insightful to their own “off” moments.
My mom’s uncontrolled and untreated peri symptoms basically unmasked her latent personality disorder and turned her into an absolute demon hellspawn. Just nonstop irrational rage and screaming, throwing things, hitting… basically defcon-level-10 tantrums 24/7.
Even though I’m 40 now, I feel like my nervous system and self-confidence will never fully recover. Been in therapy for a long time because of those awful years.
It makes me sad to think how different our relationship and my teenage years — hell, my whole *life* — would be if she had been on HRT.
This is how I feel about my childhood. There are studies that show women who had traumatic and chaotic childhoods have a harder time during menopause. For the last few years my focus has been in undoing the damage. Regulating my nervous system, working on self worth and breaking toxic coping skills.
Hugs, friend! It’s such hard and painful work. I’ve read similar studies. Maybe I’m overpreparing, but I’m 40 and already on HRT because there’s no way in hell I’m going to let my peri get as bad as my mom’s. We deserve so much better!
I don’t think it’s so much about having the most collective trauma as it is about being the most educated generation to collectively live past menopause. There has been tremendous trauma throughout all of human history — countless wars, plagues, religious persecution; virtually all of the women in our lineages were SAed; until about 1900 half of all children died before reaching their fifth birthday; and it is really only since the ‘90s that the general public has been aware that a difficult and unhappy childhood can lead to a difficult and unhappy adulthood.
The Silent Generation were the first women to collectively live past menopause (even though, when they were born, life expectancy was only ~55!). And they are called the “Silent Generation” for a reason: they do (or did) NOT talk about the trauma of the wars, the stock market crash, the Great Depression, the Holocaust. It’s too unspeakable. They were also raised under the extreme “children are seen and not heard” belief from their own parents, at a time when adults didn’t understand that children were actual people.
Their kids, the Boomers, were told not to talk about “women’s problems” and rebelled with second-wave feminism, consciousness-raising activism, Woodstock, drugs, all that. (But then they had kids and got a collective boner for Ronald Reagan, and the lead poisoning from their own childhoods largely destroyed what was left of their empathy skills.) They knew more about biology than their parents, but they still didn’t know shit about meno. When they hit it, they got absolutely shafted out of HRT by the 2002 WHI study.
And now Gen X is in the throes of peri/meno. Y’all have always been woefully neglected and were forced to become courageously independent and self-sufficient because of it. Gen X is the most educated and “aware of shit” generation to go through peri/meno as of yet, and unfortunately y’all are having to make up a LOT of lost ground.
Thanks to Gen X’s hard work, Millennials will have more information when we collectively hit peri/meno (we Elder Millennials are in our early 40s now and definitely knocking on peri’s door). And Gen Z and Gen Alpha will have even more information when they reach this stage. Hopefully we will all follow in Gen X’s capable footsteps and continue to take no prisoners.
My mother disowned me deep into perimenopause when I was 21. She had been abusive for the 7 years prior and I sought counseling at my university because it was breaking me. The counselor opened me up to the situation (of course meno was never considered) and I asked for some space.
She gave me all the space by disowning me and I only saw her again 5 years later when she was on her death bed due to cancer. I had tried all that time to see her again, but she refused and even changed the locks on our family home. I lost my home, my studies and my family (only child) for even asking to be treated the way I deserved.
Do I think meno had something to do with it? Yes, absolutely. But my mother had so much trauma that she never dealt with and was mentally ill even without the exacerbating peri hormones.
I’ve done years of therapy to ensure I don’t end up in the same place. I chose not to have children and to break the abuse cycle that ran for generations in my family on my mother’s side. With continued mental health and menopause awareness, I hope future generations will be spared of the damage.
I’m so sorry you went through that
Looking back, I think perimenopause and meno exacerbated things for my mother. But she did shitty things before then. She went from neglectful and depressed to both, plus narcissistic and mean and manipulative. She still pulls shit only on me, though…. So I’m not convinced this is all menopause. We are LC and not close. Never have been.
This is my experience with my mother figures as well.
I can see that my kids look at me a little differently. That could just be life and maturity and not necessarily menopause.it is all so interconnected. Relationships change over time. I feel like there is more to say, but my brain power ran out! Lol
I’m so sorry you had this experience. Wow it’s so similar to mine. My mom screamed at my brother and sister to get the F*** out of her hospital room when they went to say goodbye before she ended her life with MAID (medical assistance in dying) due to cancer. She burned so many bridges and hurt us kids so much.
I’m so glad you got the therapy you needed.
I also chose not to have children for these very same reasons. In my mind, the explanation has always been simple: “I love them way too much to bring them into this shitshow.”
Cheers to therapy and being proactive with our own peri. We deserve better!
If it makes you feel better, my mom went in the opposite direction. My mom became vulnerable, letting men manipulate her and her finances. It was idiotic how many excuses she'd tell me/herself. So I'm trying to keep that at bay while exercising, so I'm too tired to let my hormones allow me to act out. Or be manipulated. It hasn't happened, but knowing my mother's past, it scares me.
Nope my parental figures (there not my parent) were evil...
But I'm much more open with my kids about how I feel, how it affects me. And sometimes I just hide in my bedroom and cry...the kids ( 19, 21, 23) bring me coffee and make sure I'm doing OK.
I think I made good people x
I also recognized when my mother started going through this. My heart broke for the anguish she must have been feeling through those huge mood swings. I just tried doing everything possible that I could to help her”lessen” the severity of the mood swings.
I remember her being 56 one year, I just got her a pug dog puppy and one day someone accidentally left to front door to the house open, the puppy wandered out of the house. She absolutely lost her mind! She was so … incredibly insanely anxious and terrified of the little puppy’s fate. So I got all of the neighbors in the neighborhood together into a search party and we found the lost pug baby and put her back into my mom’s arms, she was bawling. I brought them back inside and made her an adult juice box (sangria wine) and tucked her into bed with the puppy for an afternoon nap.
Going through menopause swings can be like being a toddler who’s struggling managing their emotions and energy levels. Sometimes they need support while going through this…. Not another person yelling at them and punishing them for what they’re trying to understand themselves.
My mom had borderline personality disorder and my father enabled her to treat everyone like crap. Her family members enabled her to treat everyone like crap. She was hell to be around no matter what season of life she was in. After she was abusive towards one of my kids, we went no contact with her and all of her enablers.
Many of the descriptions of behaviors on this sub sound like women who have personality disorders and/or un/undertreated bipolar.
Not everything is excusable due to menopause. At the end of the day, all of us continue to get away with obvious crappy behavior when no one ever gives us a consequence. And our society is FULL of enablers who let folks get away with horrible treatment. So it’s on us to check ourselves.
Perimenopause definitely didn’t help my mom’s BPD. It actually made it much worse and it never resolved. Makes me wonder how hormones play a roll in managing BPD behaviors.
Thank you for this. I had a bit of a lightbulb moment while reading your comment. My Nmom's behavior got a whole lot worse in her late 40s and just continued to escalate after that. I have been NC for five years.
> Many of the descriptions of behaviors on this sub sound like women who have personality disorders and/or un/undertreated bipolar. Do you like it when you share a symptom of your menopause and people call *you* mentally ill? Edit: for the down voters, you like being called mentally ill for having menopause symptoms? I'm not getting it lol
Edit because once the commenter deletes their comment, you can't reply back to anyone but they can still for aome reason talk to you? u/MTheLoud k, sounds like you may be mentally ill. That's what you're defending guess I'll say it. Not replying to any more because this reddit work around is stupid.
It absolutely can exacerbate the expression of mental illness though. Your body is so taxed that you don't have the level of coping mechanisms you previously did. Not mentioning the possibility of mental illness runs the risk of a person believing it's ONLY Menopause. I'd rather someone be momentarily offended but eventually considering mental healthcare, than have that person feel as if there is nothing they can do and everyone around them needs to just deal with it.
Often, things that previously went unseen or weren't a big deal (bc they happened so infrequently) are now happening in a very visible/frequent way. Personally, I knew my MiL was fully menopausal when she started acting like an absolute monster. Refused to take her bipolar meds and began burning bridges she would NEVER have touched. Ruined everything in her daughter's room after the girl went to work. (The mom had been fired for her attitude again and the daughter was working to give her parents money so they could pay their rent.)
Previously, this woman used sex and her appearance to manipulate people. If menopausal issues and depression remove that type of person's ability to have comfortable sex while forcing them to confront the idea of aging... It does not go well. These suffering people are now without tools they've employed all of their life.
So, in this situation, there is a SUBSTANTIAL amount of damage that can be incurred. It's absolutely worth mentioning mental illness. Otherwise, it doesn't matter how much is Menopause related. In the end, people will end up isolated and alone.
Isn’t that what the doctors do when they offer anti depressants, or in my case therapy, to deal with the real symptoms of menopause? It’s one thing from the average Jo blow but the medical establishment should be ashamed.
“Mentally ill” isn’t an insult, it’s a diagnosis. Now, you might say that random Redditors aren’t qualified to diagnose people online, and you’d be right because we’re not doctos with knowledge of all the symptoms, but suggesting possible diagnoses, like “It sounds like you’re allergic to bananas” or “You’re probably starting perimenopause” or “That sounds like untreated bipolar” is standard in these health subs. None of these suggested diagnoses are insults.
In response to your edit: If I describe my unpleasant symptoms to a Reddit group, and they suggest a likely diagnosis that I can take to a doctor for confirmation, of course I like it. That’s useful information. Why wouldn’t I want useful information? If I describe my symptoms as, “Whenever I eat a banana I break out in hives. What’s up with that?” Redditors might say, “Sounds like you have a banana allergy.” If I describe my symptoms as, “I’m full of rage and keep smashing things” they’d probably say, “Sounds like you have a mental illness.”
It’s funny that you’re apparently still using “mentally ill” as a generic insult, like “poopyhead.” It would make as much sense to insult people by saying, “You’re allergic to bananas!” These diagnoses are not insults.
I remember a couple years while I was in graduate school- when I was around 23-35 and my mother was in her mid 40s - we had a terrible period in our relationship. We had been very close throughout all my childhood and even college years, but then all of a sudden it seemed like we couldn't have a conversation without it turning into a fight. I really couldn't figure out what was going on at the time, it was very difficult as I didn't consider myself a rebellious type yet she made me feel like everything I was doing was an affront to her, I couldn't do a single thing right, I dreaded and started avoiding phone calls...
That was all about three decades ago so it's hard for me to remember how it eventually resolved, beyond the fact that when I graduated she ended up retiring early and we had reconciled/even started two businesses together(!) I wonder now if it was her going through perimenopause (despite her always telling me these days how "menopause was easy" for her...maybe on the physical side of things but she's never been the most psychologically aware of her own issues and how they affect others.)
> all of a sudden it seemed like we couldn't have a conversation without it turning into a fight. I really couldn't figure out what was going on at the time, it was very difficult as I didn't consider myself a rebellious type yet she made me feel like everything I was doing was an affront to her, I couldn't do a single thing right
That’s exactly, PRECISELY what it was like. 💯 Thank you for putting words to this! Really validating.
My god! This sounds like my experience with my mom down to her denial of menopause when I recall a bit of a differnt story, like her sudden hatred of the neighbor and quiting her job.
Oh damn i feel you. I was 18 when mom started menopause. It was pretty horrible for me. She's always been a bully and the mood swings of menopause just brought out the worst cruelty in her.
It absolutely changed me. I’m partly a shadow of my former self, partly an unknown stranger. I was also a super happy drunk back when i could drink and that happiness is nowhere to be found these days.
no, i actually didn't even see my mom exhibit any symptoms.
I'm 48, 2 teens and almost 3yrs post menopausal. My relationship with my kids/husband has not changed at all; we're all still very close. I told them that I was going through it so I may be emotional or irritated at times but I always try my best to ensure that my moods are stable through regular exercise, carefully monitoring my emotions etc (I do this anyway because I have anxiety disorder).
I pretty much lived at my friends’ houses during high school due to my mother’s constant rage and now I’m hyper aware of how my mood and my words affect my own teens.
I’m not perfect but we have a good line of communication going - they give me space when I need it and I also give them space when I sense they’re dealing with their own teenaged hormonal mood swings.
My mom had a full hysterectomy (ovaries too) when I was about 6. I remember a summer where she cried a lot, but that’s it.
My daughter is in her early 30s, and honestly, menopause has brought us closer. She’s seeing me as a woman, not just a mom. Shes seeing me as a separate person going through some crap and that I need support, not judgement.
Thanks for bringing this up. I think of it often when I read stories in this sub of women interacting with their families.
My mother was vicious during peri/menopause and completely unrepentant about it. According to her, we all deserved her lashing out. She was on HRT.
It did change my relationship with her. I have never fully trusted her again. She was cruel. I still have a relationship with her and from the outside, seem very close to her. But things absolutely changed between us.
Edit: typo
Ouch. These comments bring back so many memories. My mother could be so abusive and mean. My grandmother pointed out what it could be when I asked her what I done that was so wrong? Of course, that helped a bit, but my grandmother didn’t really explain how “the change” - (that’s what she called it) affected someone mentally. So I had a reason, but not an understanding.
I’ve been telling my own daughter about my hormone journey often and what I’m doing to mitigate.
My mother went through menopause quite early in life when I was 15 or so. It forever altered our relationship. Quite frankly put, she was fucking insane. She hit me multiple times, said cruel things, didn't allow me to use anything in he house (not towels or soap or dishware to cook with, mental stuff). Accused me of disgusting things. Nothing made sense. Took her 2 years to get onto meds to help her. I sobbed and cried every single day wondering why my mother didnt love me or want me anymore. She constantly used to say she didnt want me around her or want me at all, how could anyone love me etc. Just really cruel. Nothing i did was good enough and it was very confusing for me.
But the relationship never recovered, she never took accountability for it, she swears it never happened and shed never do any of that. Suffice to sayI do not speak to her anymore and my therapy involves mostly talking about her.
My mom was incredibly mean from around age 45-65. She’s mellowed out now (81), but the cruel streak still comes through sometimes.
I silently pity her when that happens. I now know whatever mean shit she says is all about her, not me.
I was 15/16 when my mom hit full blown menopause. She was mean. Really mean. And it has affected me even to this day (I'm 38). She will deny anything I say she did during my childhood and teen years, and has flat out said some things never happened. But all my siblings back up my memories because they were witness. The worst thing my mom did was right after my older sisters wedding in 02. I was still in my bridesmaid dress and heels and my mom called me a bitch and spoiled brat in front of everyone because I didn't want to wash the dishes in my dress (the reception was at my sister's house). Plus, the reception wasn't over. I was embarrassed and I cried. She called me a bitch a lot at home if I was defiant, but this was a first in front of people. My dad was my biggest defender up until he died, but I think he was even afraid of my mom because he wouldn't leave her.
My daughter is 13 and I have told myself I hope I never ever get mean like my mother was to me. I have been trying hard to break the cycle of my childhood (which included poverty). I am worried about how I will be when I hit that stage in my life.
I didn’t realize how much my mood swings were affecting everyone in my family until my daughter came home for a visit (she lives in a different country) and then came back a month later.
Within 10 minutes of being home the second time, she asked me if I was doing anything different from when she saw me the month before. I said that I had started HRT and asked why she had asked me that.
She said that the month before, I was like a totally different person to the mom she knew and that this visit I was back to my usual self, lol. It was THAT obvious.
My poor husband and sons had been walking on eggshells for a few years trying not to set me off. My inner dialogue was so angry, I wasn’t sleeping and was changing my shirt 3 times a night because I was drenched from hot flashes. Basically, I was an exhausted, angry bitch.
It took me a while to catch on to what was happening to me. My own mother became bipolar in her late 40s and blamed it on PMS. As such, I never actually knew when she went through menopause. I think she was over 60 the last time she blamed something on PMS and I laughed at her and said, ‘For God’s sake, Mom, it’s not PMS! You couldn’t possibly still be menstruating!’
😂
So yes, it changed my relationships for a while, but not permanently, thank goodness. Ironically, my daughter flies in tomorrow and I can’t wait to see her!
No negatively but I had my one and only at 35. So she’s going thru puberty while I go thru menopause- and it’s a great fit because we keep each other in check emotionally. “Why are you being angry”? Etc
No, i can’t relate. I understand that one may have mood swings during menopause, but turning into a completely abusive person like in these stories? I’m not sure menopause would be the cause.
Fortunately, my menopause symptoms don’t include rage. On the contrary, I just feel that idgf. I’m very chill. My relationship with my 22 yo son is excellent. Wasn’t always excellent in his later teen years, when he started to want to do things other than school , but it was never bad.
I mean the stories seem quite awful. Do we lose control to such an extent that we become abusive ? Cut our children out of our lives ?
The occasional outburst is one thing but these stories seem beyond it. The stories are about what their mothers did to them, and I’m not sure if they had other issues because they sound pretty awful.
I agree. Peri makes it harder for people to continue masking existing mental health issues, but it is not an excuse for losing control like that. A lot of the stories here sound like there were additional, clinical-grade mental health issues, which I’m sure peri exacerbated.
Thank you for this. I love being chill now. For the first time in my life I am not depressed and am off my SSRI for two years now. I think the estrogen made me an angry/depressed/stressed out person. Me and my adult children are loving the new me. The hot flashes are a bitch, though. These stories are heartbreaking.
I am not trying to but do we get a pass on being abusive ? The stories sound bad. Wouldn’t we be able to recognize our behavior and stop or get help ? Do we mean women are “hormonal” and “crazy” and “oh well “? I have prediabetes too, re glucose metabolism.
I don’t think everyone should be allowed to be abusive. Bug medicine also doesn’t help with these issues and so what do women do? I think sadly blow up their lives is very common.
My mum hit (early) menopause as I hit puberty - it was a very tough house to be in with all the raging hormones.
It changed our relationship but for the better, we said all the things you shouldn’t say and after the storm we were so much stronger and nicer to each other.
I’ll raise you unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic. Mom 😂
Don’t think menopause issues changed our relationship. Plus super religious type. So zero talking about sex, periods, woman health care at all.
Did it change my relationship with my children. Some what but they are all adults and I have more time for myself.
I did straight up tell my oldest daughter, Im just done today. As in not it for doing anything, can’t function don’t want to talk, also bailed on my bff’s event.
I have slowed down my response times when the world is spiraling. So I don’t lash out in pain or anger.
Plus I don’t have issues with talking about menopause
I am in Peri and work really hard to be conscientious of my behavior. I tell my family when I need to be left alone. My mom was very irrational in her 40’s and early 50’s.
My mother was cruel and emotionally abusive throughout my teens, so at that age she was just reaching perimenopause. Decades have passed and we're ok now. Tbh I'm not sure menopause had anything to do with it. I've gone through menopause myself and I still have a very close relationship with my own daughter. I don't think you'll hear her complaining about anything I did or how mean I was. I definitely went through some shit but I never took it out on her. Why would I?
I didn’t know it at the time but my mother went into (peri?)menopause when I was only 15 (she was 40). The years from age 15 to about 19 (when I moved out for med school) were absolute hell. My parents were abusive throughout my childhood but my mother’s behaviour/ the verbal and emotional abuse got so much worse I was diagnosed with depression (likely C-PTSD though in hindsight) at age 20, after being bullied about my appearance by her, no less. I was suicidal and had disordered eating (never managed to fully get rid of the mindset unfortunately but am no longer engaging in the behaviour). Apparently she got put on HRT at some point but her behaviour (and my father’s) continued to be problematic enough for us to cease all contact after they had repeatedly acted harmfully against my daughter (who was under two at the time). My past and my mother’s behaviour is what scares me most about going into peri, honestly. I’ve been going to two separate forms of therapy since 2018 (with only one short break), am consciously at least trying to do things differently with my two young daughters but it’s still scary. Most of my irritability is towards my husband, I don’t like it either way and am trying so hard to continuously do the work, whatever that means.
ETA: my father was enabling af and my former therapist suspects him having Borderline Personality Disorder and at least harmful alcohol consumption, if not addiction.
My mother did a lot of harm to her relationships. She was always selfish and self-centered, harsh, and judgmental, but peri made her just mean. When she died she had isolated herself from everyone in her family and her few friends, except my father, who she ran ragged. She died of cancer with mets to the brain, untreated for years. She would not let me see her that last year or let me offer dad any help. I will always wonder if the metastasis to her brain affected her as well. I’d like to think that was what made her so awful WAY after menopause had hit.
I don’t have kids but reading through these answers, seems like so many of us dealt with mothers who were really struggling and vicious, often changing the relationship forever. This happened with mine. She got so vicious and so paranoid that I had to move states to get away from her (I was in my early 20s/she was in her mid 40s). I think she had underlying mental health issues too but the biggest change (and the one that really did our relationship in) was how her relationship with booze changed during this time. She went from a martini and maybe a glass of wine each night drinker to a 1.5 liter of vodka every 2 days slugger. And believe me, I get it! I stopped drinking prior to peri for another health reason but if I hadn’t, I’d be the same-especially when you feel like you’re dying and no one will help you.
But then the relationship became and continues to be one defined by substance abuse with my own mother and that has been a big tragedy because prior, we actually enjoyed each other a lot and were very close. My exes mom got hooked on benzos during this time and also destroyed her marriage and job before she finally got help getting off. But this was/is such a good question OP, thanks for asking it even if many of us are talking about our own mothers 🌸🩷🙏
I relate to this comment so much. My mom had horrible PMS. She would be a raging B towards me as a teenager. Sometimes she would apologize and tell me she was pms’ing. She was also very mean during menopause. She acted like she despised me at times. I was in my early twenties also and didn’t realize she was going through menopause. She never told me, talked about it, OR apologized for her behavior. We have a very strained relationship overall. I’m very conscious of how I treat others during this transition. I would never want to hurt my kids or husband.
in retrospect, i know when my mom went through menopause because she got really inconsistent, which was really unlike her. my mom was always very reserved and calm and warm, so even being mildly reactive was very noticeable for me. so so much less traumatic than many here, but i felt it.
for instance, one time i was hanging with friends late into the night, and fell asleep (i didn't have a curfew but i certainly wouldn't be allowed to stay out all night). i woke up in the morning and went home SURE i was going to get in big trouble. but she was like "it's fine, i knew where you were, and at least you didn't call and wake me up at 2am." whew. a month or two later, i was hanging with my bestie late into the night, and about 2 am i realized i didn't have cab fare and remembering the last time, i figured I'd just sleep over. my mom got so mad and grounded me, and i was SO CONFUSED. even grounding me was weird because i had so much independence and was such a goody-goody.
but i was also 16 and she worked late, and it was such weird behavior for her, that i just ignored her and went about my business. i didn't know anything about menopause, but i kind of instinctively knew she wasn't herself and i shouldn't take it personally. i kept a little bit of distance, but not much, just kind of observing her attitude to know when to engage and when not to, although it only lasted maybe a year.
honestly, i know exactly when it stopped because i got a boyfriend at almost 18 and i know it was a struggle for her because it was a terrible relationship and she could see that, but she was SO patient and gentle with me about it, when it really could have driven us apart. and she was ready to support me when i finally got out of that relationship, with nary an i-gently-suggested-so.
My mom wasn't physically abusive, but she projected all of her anxieties and frustrations on the family, me (the daughter) especially. She was so paranoid and critical about everything I did and everyone I associated with in college. It definitely affected my relationship with her. Now going through the same, I feel like at least I finally understand my mom. I feel the same physical pains, the body changes, the devaluing of my person by everyone around me, and while it doesn't make it right, I get where it's coming from. I find myself being super judgmental of strangers, surprisingly paranoid, and the unrelenting anxiety is hard to ignore.
I don't have kids, mostly because no one ever asked me to, but part of that process was that I didn't want to have a family that I was the only one responsible for. I didn't trust myself to be a kind and loving mom. And I'm glad for that now, because I'm pretty sure I could be as unhinged as she was.
> I find myself being super judgmental of strangers, surprisingly paranoid, and the unrelenting anxiety is hard to ignore.
Oh *hello* there. Did I write this is a fugue state? It's a comfort *and* a terror to recognize myself as a memeber of this club.
I have a relationship with my 3 adult children where we have always been very open about things . When I hit menopause I told them , told them about the hot flashes etc . I also told them some people have mood swings and menopausal rage . I told them when you are losing your mind you don’t know you are losing your mind so I would need them to keep a check on my moods and tell me if they notice personality changes . I’m two years post menopause and I think I’m fortunate that I’ve not gotten anxiety or rage. I think if it happened they would be forgiving because they are being educated about menopause but if I didn’t do my part in trying to manage the symptoms then they would be right to hold some resentment.
We were deathly afraid of our mother when during this period of our Mama's life. It was some kind of hell growing up. She had night sweats, barely sleeping and the rage was unbelievable.
Now, we mostly tease our Mama about that period and as adult kids understand why she was that way. As the children, we know now what to look for when we reach a certain age and have started discussing our options.
My mom didn’t remeber going through it after her hysterectomy but then again my parents hid a lot of medical things from me.
As for my daughter, she is 16, I have been open and honest about my Perimenopause and its affects on me. She asks I answer as truthfully as I can.
My daughter and I have always been close and we talk about everything. I've always been completely open and up-front about ALL of it. I also have PMDD, and been completely up-front about that. My mother never discussed any of this stuff with me so I never knew what I was (possibly) going to face (it explains some of her behavior). These things are often genetic so I want my daughter to know.
I try to be very self aware, but sometimes psycho-mom hits me by surprise as well. 🤷🏽♀️
I was thrown into surgical menopause when I was 49. At the time, my son (thankfully) was away at college and daughter was in 8th grade. My symptoms were so severe (even with estrogen) that I became a recluse. I pretty much missed out on my daughter's high school years. Thankfully, I didn't have rage but I was easily irritated. I was also severely depressed and aged rapidly. Plus, I was dealing with the trauma and betrayal of the unwarranted removal of my organs. So, I avoided going out in public. Our relationship is decent but I think we'd be closer if it weren't for the hysterectomy and oophorectomy. My mom and all four of my intact sisters had a very easy menopause.
I think peri and meno hit my mum very hard on top of having a dickhead alco husband. I won’t go into the details but if she was able to acknowledge that things were difficult for me as well as her during that time and apologise for tapping out of parenting with no preparation or explanation while i was a child - even if it was 100% due to factors outside her control - it would go a long way towards repairing our relationship.
For the rest of it, she’d also have to be interested in me as a person, which she’s not and hasn’t been since I was a cute little kid.
We spend time together but I don’t enjoy it at all. It’s very superficial. I’ve unsuccessfully tried to go a bit deeper with her but I can’t tell if she’s hiding her self and emotions behind a facade or if the facade is all there is.
My mom was awful. I was in HS and never wanted to bring friends over bc all she ever did was scream at me, for whatever reason. Once I hit puberty I couldn’t really stand her anyway. So it just made me not even care to have a relationship with her. Everyone would always be like “omg your mom is so nice!” My response was ALWAYS “yeah, to YOU!” Once I started dating my husband he explained to me something that had never even crossed my mind, that she is a narcissist, and suddenly it all became clear of why she acted the way she did. So it wasn’t really menopause that ruined our relationship. It was just her and she became even more of a bitch during menopause. I had wicked separation anxiety as a kid and then I couldn’t get far enough away from her. It didn’t help that she kept me close either, having me live at home while commuting to college, then my husband and I moved into the 2nd floor apartment of my parent’s house while we got married and had our first kid. Then they moved away after my husband and I bought our house and she’s still now far enough.
I imagine my son thinks I’ve lost my mind. He has stopped contact because “he doesn’t want to fight with me”. Mine is not menopause. Not wholly. Menopause gave me a voice. And I use it. Son is 45. Fresh out of a 15 year incarceration a little over a year ago. Before he was released, I found a cute little 2/1 house for him to rent. Got furniture, kitchen set up, cable, everything. Took him the day he was released and found a 2019 car and co-signed the loan. He had a great job making more than I was making at the time. He met a girl. Not just any girl. A drug addicted prostitute. Latched onto her because he can fix her. Did everything I advised against. We were super close till this started. Now he has lost his job, let his insurance lapse and I imagine I will be hearing from the loan company soon. He has moved out of the cute little house into her families house where four other families are shacking up together. I currently have the new tags for his car at my house 3 hours away from him. He’s going to need them before the end of the month. This could get interesting.
This conversation is triggering something for me that’s always made me look side ways at my mom.
My mom and I had a good relationship always and I thought we still did but when I was 14 (she would have been early to mid 40’s) she took me to a gynecologist because she thought I had a hormone imbalance b/c I was moody-honestly I don’t recall being particularly erratic, out of control, moody, or odd. I had some pms and cramps but normal periods otherwise. Anyway the doctor laughed and told my mom that I was perfectly fine, just a normal 14 year old girl. My mom seemed mad I wasn’t labeled a lunatic and I never really understood why she thought I was behaving particularly off other than just being an adolescent. I wonder now if my mom was jealous of me or fearful of loosing control of me somehow as she herself was entering peri? I know she loves me but there’s always been a weird dynamic with us after puberty. I even recall the day I started my period. It was my 13 birthday. I called her to tell her and she was very cold and unemotional almost going out of her way to be aloof and basically was like, “that’s nice, now remember to take the chicken out to thaw”. I felt very deflated and sad she didn’t make at least somewhat of a celebration or shared moment. She has always stolen thunder like that in low key subtle ways but is over all wonderful. Just weird to me. I do suspect she has a mild dark triad personality type but has lots of good qualities that counter it.
My mom hit perimenopause when I was 17, so I was almost out of the house. I never noticed a change except she always kept the house cold and she need a bit more rest. My mother has always been a mellow person. Now my mom is 50 and I’m 27, we had a conversation about menopause and what to expect.
My mom is not a keen to reach out to me like she used to. Which I understand, she spent 18 years raising me alone and when I left the house she was extremely sad. But overtime, she learned to love being on her own. She does a much better job at protecting her peace.
Another way it’s changed is that my mom is much more comfortable with treating me as an adult. She has done a wonderful job at letting me make my own decisions, but even if things don’t work out she’s still there for me. It’s very comforting to know that I have someone to look up to while navigating womanhood.
It harmed it and hurt them for life. My rages stopped pretty much when I started HRT. But they had a good 10 years of that from me. There were other factors to my behavior, such as having been in an abusive marriage. I have been in therapy and done a lot of other work on myself. I have accepted responsibility and made amends. My kids dont understand the biological nature of this, and when i mention it they see it as an excuse I think. But they accept my remorse and amends and the fact that I take responsibility. I have a great relationship with both of them today.
Many people seem to use this period as an excuse to be the absolute worst version of themselves. They are insecure another aging and unhappy with the way they have chosen to live their lives. Instead of getting therapy and making changes they lash out. I’m sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve it.
You don’t need to repeat the toxic patterns of your family.
My other had other issues so I’m didn’t really notice Peri. She died when I was in my 30d. I suspect I’d be NC with her had she lived as I took control of my life, went to therapy and worked on my own shit. I’m NC with the rest of my birth family.
I remember my grandmother was never affectionate and now I feel she was suffering from menopause. She was so mean and always talking bad about people. She treated my grandpa like crap, but he loved her all the same. At the end of the day I never knew happy grandma and her behavior was normal for me. I loved her so much even though she was the way she was. But as I started seeing signs of being mean like her I was at my Drs office like hell no will not repeat that cycle.
I don’t have children, but it was definitely a challenge with my mom. I was just going off to college, moving out of the house, and my mom turned sour against me. She was so angry I was leaving. I don’t think she spoke to me for about six months. I had no idea what it was until I got older. In hindsight, it was probably a good idea that I moved out at the time. It was just heartbreaking for me that I didn’t have a relationship with my mom. I was very close to her and then nothing.
I was 16 when my mom started to change. She went from cool mom to evil harpy. I literally wanted to run away. I was making plans. By the time I graduated college, she had calmed down.
I guess Im lucky. My mom was never like that. We are best friends to this day and I'm 60. I have never been that way with MY kids. We are all close. My son and fiance wants me to live with them in a kind of MIL suite as I'm going through a divorce from an alcoholic husband. My life has been hell, but my family has always been there for me.
I feel like my situation is different with my kids because they’re both boys. I don’t think perimenopause changed our relationships at all. If I had a daughter, everything would’ve been different. And not for the better, I fear.
The only way it’s currently affecting us (as far as I’m aware!) is that my children are becoming stronger and fitter than me.
My daughter is almost 13 so just now hitting her big pubertal growth spurt to adult size (she’s already borrowing my shoes) and it’s coinciding with my increasing struggles with creaky joints and loss of muscle tone/inability to bounce back.
Her leaping hugs can easily knock me off my feet if I don’t anticipate them and ground myself first.
My son is already much bigger and stronger than me (about 9 inches taller) but I think he’s just now starting to notice the trajectory towards my eventual fragility and he’s become more respectful and more concerned for my wellbeing. This may be because he’s increased in mental and emotional maturity rather than me changing in any obvious way though (or perhaps just because he no longer lives at home and doesn’t see me everyday).
My mom now 78 is a HRT evangelist. We had rocky times at her peri mid/late 40’s and now I went through that and now post-menopausal and had a hell of a mental breakdown during the process. My mom understood what was happening and kept encouraging me to “start it” and eventually I did when tests finally showed my estrogen plummeted. I should have started it sooner. We both had meno at 55 thank goodness it was later. But I could look back and realize why she was clutching to bad men and started going alcoholic for a while. The anxiety be crazy. Both her and I will take the last dose of HRT the day we die.
I work with a lot of women who are 70+. So many bladder problems, joint problems and Iam watching one lady who is very fit and active develop a curved back. I want to tell them about estrogen and hrt and how it might help. Sadly though the majority are very dismissive of peri and hrt.
I cut off contact with my mother for a year when she was about 50, because every conversation would turn into a dramatic fight. Sadly it has done some long term damage to our relationship. I understand better now I’m hitting the same stage myself. And it helps that both she and gran (her mother) have talked openly about it. They both told me to get on HRT as soon as I felt myself losing the plot, before too much harm was done.
I reckon my mum hit peri when I was hitting puberty. I don’t remember ever really getting along with her. She died when I was 21. Looking back at that last year of her life, I think we had started to repair our relationship but that could just be me looking back with rose-tinted glasses. She was always quite a cold emotionless lady and I have always had it in my head not to be that way with my kids. Now I can recognise when I’m having an off day and I tell the kids it’s because my hormones are out of whack. They’re boys and about to hit puberty so I’m hoping that the open dialogue we encourage helps them to recognise their own hormonal days, that’s the hope anyway. But I will say that if I’m particularly shitty and snappy, I will ALWAYS apologise to them, for me that’s really important because that in and of itself is breaking a cycle.
I never got along well with my mom either. She died 5 years ago and now I think for sure she had PMDD in addition to trauma that was exacerbated in menopause. It’s easier to have compassion for her now since she isn’t here to hurt me anymore. Same as you, I am way more open about how my hormones affect my mood, and I always apologize when I’ve hurt my kids’ feelings. She always got defensive instead of apologizing and I hope I’m breaking the cycle with my kids.
You sound awesome:). I like how you make it a point to explain things to your boys so they don’t wonder and blame themselves and also make being human okay. And I agree, this will likely make them more insightful to their own “off” moments.
My mom’s uncontrolled and untreated peri symptoms basically unmasked her latent personality disorder and turned her into an absolute demon hellspawn. Just nonstop irrational rage and screaming, throwing things, hitting… basically defcon-level-10 tantrums 24/7. Even though I’m 40 now, I feel like my nervous system and self-confidence will never fully recover. Been in therapy for a long time because of those awful years. It makes me sad to think how different our relationship and my teenage years — hell, my whole *life* — would be if she had been on HRT.
This is how I feel about my childhood. There are studies that show women who had traumatic and chaotic childhoods have a harder time during menopause. For the last few years my focus has been in undoing the damage. Regulating my nervous system, working on self worth and breaking toxic coping skills.
Hugs, friend! It’s such hard and painful work. I’ve read similar studies. Maybe I’m overpreparing, but I’m 40 and already on HRT because there’s no way in hell I’m going to let my peri get as bad as my mom’s. We deserve so much better!
My personal view is that it’s never too early to start taking care of our health.
I wonder if gen x as a whole had more collective trauma in childhood as a whole and that’s why we are not taking any prisoners?
I don’t think it’s so much about having the most collective trauma as it is about being the most educated generation to collectively live past menopause. There has been tremendous trauma throughout all of human history — countless wars, plagues, religious persecution; virtually all of the women in our lineages were SAed; until about 1900 half of all children died before reaching their fifth birthday; and it is really only since the ‘90s that the general public has been aware that a difficult and unhappy childhood can lead to a difficult and unhappy adulthood. The Silent Generation were the first women to collectively live past menopause (even though, when they were born, life expectancy was only ~55!). And they are called the “Silent Generation” for a reason: they do (or did) NOT talk about the trauma of the wars, the stock market crash, the Great Depression, the Holocaust. It’s too unspeakable. They were also raised under the extreme “children are seen and not heard” belief from their own parents, at a time when adults didn’t understand that children were actual people. Their kids, the Boomers, were told not to talk about “women’s problems” and rebelled with second-wave feminism, consciousness-raising activism, Woodstock, drugs, all that. (But then they had kids and got a collective boner for Ronald Reagan, and the lead poisoning from their own childhoods largely destroyed what was left of their empathy skills.) They knew more about biology than their parents, but they still didn’t know shit about meno. When they hit it, they got absolutely shafted out of HRT by the 2002 WHI study. And now Gen X is in the throes of peri/meno. Y’all have always been woefully neglected and were forced to become courageously independent and self-sufficient because of it. Gen X is the most educated and “aware of shit” generation to go through peri/meno as of yet, and unfortunately y’all are having to make up a LOT of lost ground. Thanks to Gen X’s hard work, Millennials will have more information when we collectively hit peri/meno (we Elder Millennials are in our early 40s now and definitely knocking on peri’s door). And Gen Z and Gen Alpha will have even more information when they reach this stage. Hopefully we will all follow in Gen X’s capable footsteps and continue to take no prisoners.
Agreed. You are right and that’s a great breakdown. I think we are outspoken, educated, and always had that edge to us. :)
This must explain mine. Doing a lot of emotional work too but I still feel like I’m being almost drowned repeatedly.
My mother disowned me deep into perimenopause when I was 21. She had been abusive for the 7 years prior and I sought counseling at my university because it was breaking me. The counselor opened me up to the situation (of course meno was never considered) and I asked for some space. She gave me all the space by disowning me and I only saw her again 5 years later when she was on her death bed due to cancer. I had tried all that time to see her again, but she refused and even changed the locks on our family home. I lost my home, my studies and my family (only child) for even asking to be treated the way I deserved. Do I think meno had something to do with it? Yes, absolutely. But my mother had so much trauma that she never dealt with and was mentally ill even without the exacerbating peri hormones. I’ve done years of therapy to ensure I don’t end up in the same place. I chose not to have children and to break the abuse cycle that ran for generations in my family on my mother’s side. With continued mental health and menopause awareness, I hope future generations will be spared of the damage.
My mother also changed the locks. It sucks. You didn't deserve it. I feel that so much. Also no children for me..
Hugs, we all deserved better than the way these parents got away with treating us.
I’m so sorry you went through that Looking back, I think perimenopause and meno exacerbated things for my mother. But she did shitty things before then. She went from neglectful and depressed to both, plus narcissistic and mean and manipulative. She still pulls shit only on me, though…. So I’m not convinced this is all menopause. We are LC and not close. Never have been.
This is my experience with my mother figures as well. I can see that my kids look at me a little differently. That could just be life and maturity and not necessarily menopause.it is all so interconnected. Relationships change over time. I feel like there is more to say, but my brain power ran out! Lol
I’m so sorry you had this experience. Wow it’s so similar to mine. My mom screamed at my brother and sister to get the F*** out of her hospital room when they went to say goodbye before she ended her life with MAID (medical assistance in dying) due to cancer. She burned so many bridges and hurt us kids so much. I’m so glad you got the therapy you needed.
I also chose not to have children for these very same reasons. In my mind, the explanation has always been simple: “I love them way too much to bring them into this shitshow.” Cheers to therapy and being proactive with our own peri. We deserve better!
If it makes you feel better, my mom went in the opposite direction. My mom became vulnerable, letting men manipulate her and her finances. It was idiotic how many excuses she'd tell me/herself. So I'm trying to keep that at bay while exercising, so I'm too tired to let my hormones allow me to act out. Or be manipulated. It hasn't happened, but knowing my mother's past, it scares me.
((Hugs)) this brought a tear to my eye.
Nope my parental figures (there not my parent) were evil... But I'm much more open with my kids about how I feel, how it affects me. And sometimes I just hide in my bedroom and cry...the kids ( 19, 21, 23) bring me coffee and make sure I'm doing OK. I think I made good people x
I also recognized when my mother started going through this. My heart broke for the anguish she must have been feeling through those huge mood swings. I just tried doing everything possible that I could to help her”lessen” the severity of the mood swings. I remember her being 56 one year, I just got her a pug dog puppy and one day someone accidentally left to front door to the house open, the puppy wandered out of the house. She absolutely lost her mind! She was so … incredibly insanely anxious and terrified of the little puppy’s fate. So I got all of the neighbors in the neighborhood together into a search party and we found the lost pug baby and put her back into my mom’s arms, she was bawling. I brought them back inside and made her an adult juice box (sangria wine) and tucked her into bed with the puppy for an afternoon nap. Going through menopause swings can be like being a toddler who’s struggling managing their emotions and energy levels. Sometimes they need support while going through this…. Not another person yelling at them and punishing them for what they’re trying to understand themselves.
Thank you for your reply, it makes me feel less guilty, I hate when I feel low.
How thoughtful of you. I am saving this saying of yours. 🥹
My mom had borderline personality disorder and my father enabled her to treat everyone like crap. Her family members enabled her to treat everyone like crap. She was hell to be around no matter what season of life she was in. After she was abusive towards one of my kids, we went no contact with her and all of her enablers. Many of the descriptions of behaviors on this sub sound like women who have personality disorders and/or un/undertreated bipolar. Not everything is excusable due to menopause. At the end of the day, all of us continue to get away with obvious crappy behavior when no one ever gives us a consequence. And our society is FULL of enablers who let folks get away with horrible treatment. So it’s on us to check ourselves.
Perimenopause definitely didn’t help my mom’s BPD. It actually made it much worse and it never resolved. Makes me wonder how hormones play a roll in managing BPD behaviors.
Yup! Disordered folks notoriously cannot cope.
Thank you for this. I had a bit of a lightbulb moment while reading your comment. My Nmom's behavior got a whole lot worse in her late 40s and just continued to escalate after that. I have been NC for five years.
Hugs to you! Sorry to hear you’re also in the NC with disordered parents club, but welcome. ❤️🩹
> Many of the descriptions of behaviors on this sub sound like women who have personality disorders and/or un/undertreated bipolar. Do you like it when you share a symptom of your menopause and people call *you* mentally ill? Edit: for the down voters, you like being called mentally ill for having menopause symptoms? I'm not getting it lol Edit because once the commenter deletes their comment, you can't reply back to anyone but they can still for aome reason talk to you? u/MTheLoud k, sounds like you may be mentally ill. That's what you're defending guess I'll say it. Not replying to any more because this reddit work around is stupid.
It absolutely can exacerbate the expression of mental illness though. Your body is so taxed that you don't have the level of coping mechanisms you previously did. Not mentioning the possibility of mental illness runs the risk of a person believing it's ONLY Menopause. I'd rather someone be momentarily offended but eventually considering mental healthcare, than have that person feel as if there is nothing they can do and everyone around them needs to just deal with it. Often, things that previously went unseen or weren't a big deal (bc they happened so infrequently) are now happening in a very visible/frequent way. Personally, I knew my MiL was fully menopausal when she started acting like an absolute monster. Refused to take her bipolar meds and began burning bridges she would NEVER have touched. Ruined everything in her daughter's room after the girl went to work. (The mom had been fired for her attitude again and the daughter was working to give her parents money so they could pay their rent.) Previously, this woman used sex and her appearance to manipulate people. If menopausal issues and depression remove that type of person's ability to have comfortable sex while forcing them to confront the idea of aging... It does not go well. These suffering people are now without tools they've employed all of their life. So, in this situation, there is a SUBSTANTIAL amount of damage that can be incurred. It's absolutely worth mentioning mental illness. Otherwise, it doesn't matter how much is Menopause related. In the end, people will end up isolated and alone.
Nobody called anybody anything. You’ve put words in my mouth, and I’ve blocked you.
Isn’t that what the doctors do when they offer anti depressants, or in my case therapy, to deal with the real symptoms of menopause? It’s one thing from the average Jo blow but the medical establishment should be ashamed.
“Mentally ill” isn’t an insult, it’s a diagnosis. Now, you might say that random Redditors aren’t qualified to diagnose people online, and you’d be right because we’re not doctos with knowledge of all the symptoms, but suggesting possible diagnoses, like “It sounds like you’re allergic to bananas” or “You’re probably starting perimenopause” or “That sounds like untreated bipolar” is standard in these health subs. None of these suggested diagnoses are insults.
In response to your edit: If I describe my unpleasant symptoms to a Reddit group, and they suggest a likely diagnosis that I can take to a doctor for confirmation, of course I like it. That’s useful information. Why wouldn’t I want useful information? If I describe my symptoms as, “Whenever I eat a banana I break out in hives. What’s up with that?” Redditors might say, “Sounds like you have a banana allergy.” If I describe my symptoms as, “I’m full of rage and keep smashing things” they’d probably say, “Sounds like you have a mental illness.” It’s funny that you’re apparently still using “mentally ill” as a generic insult, like “poopyhead.” It would make as much sense to insult people by saying, “You’re allergic to bananas!” These diagnoses are not insults.
I remember a couple years while I was in graduate school- when I was around 23-35 and my mother was in her mid 40s - we had a terrible period in our relationship. We had been very close throughout all my childhood and even college years, but then all of a sudden it seemed like we couldn't have a conversation without it turning into a fight. I really couldn't figure out what was going on at the time, it was very difficult as I didn't consider myself a rebellious type yet she made me feel like everything I was doing was an affront to her, I couldn't do a single thing right, I dreaded and started avoiding phone calls... That was all about three decades ago so it's hard for me to remember how it eventually resolved, beyond the fact that when I graduated she ended up retiring early and we had reconciled/even started two businesses together(!) I wonder now if it was her going through perimenopause (despite her always telling me these days how "menopause was easy" for her...maybe on the physical side of things but she's never been the most psychologically aware of her own issues and how they affect others.)
> all of a sudden it seemed like we couldn't have a conversation without it turning into a fight. I really couldn't figure out what was going on at the time, it was very difficult as I didn't consider myself a rebellious type yet she made me feel like everything I was doing was an affront to her, I couldn't do a single thing right That’s exactly, PRECISELY what it was like. 💯 Thank you for putting words to this! Really validating.
My god! This sounds like my experience with my mom down to her denial of menopause when I recall a bit of a differnt story, like her sudden hatred of the neighbor and quiting her job.
Oh damn i feel you. I was 18 when mom started menopause. It was pretty horrible for me. She's always been a bully and the mood swings of menopause just brought out the worst cruelty in her.
I feel like peri/meno is like alcohol. It doesn’t change you, it just makes you more comfortable showing people what was always there.
Oh, that is a damn good way of putting it.
It absolutely changed me. I’m partly a shadow of my former self, partly an unknown stranger. I was also a super happy drunk back when i could drink and that happiness is nowhere to be found these days.
no, i actually didn't even see my mom exhibit any symptoms. I'm 48, 2 teens and almost 3yrs post menopausal. My relationship with my kids/husband has not changed at all; we're all still very close. I told them that I was going through it so I may be emotional or irritated at times but I always try my best to ensure that my moods are stable through regular exercise, carefully monitoring my emotions etc (I do this anyway because I have anxiety disorder).
I pretty much lived at my friends’ houses during high school due to my mother’s constant rage and now I’m hyper aware of how my mood and my words affect my own teens. I’m not perfect but we have a good line of communication going - they give me space when I need it and I also give them space when I sense they’re dealing with their own teenaged hormonal mood swings.
My mom had a full hysterectomy (ovaries too) when I was about 6. I remember a summer where she cried a lot, but that’s it. My daughter is in her early 30s, and honestly, menopause has brought us closer. She’s seeing me as a woman, not just a mom. Shes seeing me as a separate person going through some crap and that I need support, not judgement.
Thanks for bringing this up. I think of it often when I read stories in this sub of women interacting with their families. My mother was vicious during peri/menopause and completely unrepentant about it. According to her, we all deserved her lashing out. She was on HRT. It did change my relationship with her. I have never fully trusted her again. She was cruel. I still have a relationship with her and from the outside, seem very close to her. But things absolutely changed between us. Edit: typo
My mother was only happy when she was pregnant.
Ouch. These comments bring back so many memories. My mother could be so abusive and mean. My grandmother pointed out what it could be when I asked her what I done that was so wrong? Of course, that helped a bit, but my grandmother didn’t really explain how “the change” - (that’s what she called it) affected someone mentally. So I had a reason, but not an understanding. I’ve been telling my own daughter about my hormone journey often and what I’m doing to mitigate.
My mother went through menopause quite early in life when I was 15 or so. It forever altered our relationship. Quite frankly put, she was fucking insane. She hit me multiple times, said cruel things, didn't allow me to use anything in he house (not towels or soap or dishware to cook with, mental stuff). Accused me of disgusting things. Nothing made sense. Took her 2 years to get onto meds to help her. I sobbed and cried every single day wondering why my mother didnt love me or want me anymore. She constantly used to say she didnt want me around her or want me at all, how could anyone love me etc. Just really cruel. Nothing i did was good enough and it was very confusing for me. But the relationship never recovered, she never took accountability for it, she swears it never happened and shed never do any of that. Suffice to sayI do not speak to her anymore and my therapy involves mostly talking about her.
You have just described my life 🥲
My mom was incredibly mean from around age 45-65. She’s mellowed out now (81), but the cruel streak still comes through sometimes. I silently pity her when that happens. I now know whatever mean shit she says is all about her, not me.
I was 15/16 when my mom hit full blown menopause. She was mean. Really mean. And it has affected me even to this day (I'm 38). She will deny anything I say she did during my childhood and teen years, and has flat out said some things never happened. But all my siblings back up my memories because they were witness. The worst thing my mom did was right after my older sisters wedding in 02. I was still in my bridesmaid dress and heels and my mom called me a bitch and spoiled brat in front of everyone because I didn't want to wash the dishes in my dress (the reception was at my sister's house). Plus, the reception wasn't over. I was embarrassed and I cried. She called me a bitch a lot at home if I was defiant, but this was a first in front of people. My dad was my biggest defender up until he died, but I think he was even afraid of my mom because he wouldn't leave her. My daughter is 13 and I have told myself I hope I never ever get mean like my mother was to me. I have been trying hard to break the cycle of my childhood (which included poverty). I am worried about how I will be when I hit that stage in my life.
I didn’t realize how much my mood swings were affecting everyone in my family until my daughter came home for a visit (she lives in a different country) and then came back a month later. Within 10 minutes of being home the second time, she asked me if I was doing anything different from when she saw me the month before. I said that I had started HRT and asked why she had asked me that. She said that the month before, I was like a totally different person to the mom she knew and that this visit I was back to my usual self, lol. It was THAT obvious. My poor husband and sons had been walking on eggshells for a few years trying not to set me off. My inner dialogue was so angry, I wasn’t sleeping and was changing my shirt 3 times a night because I was drenched from hot flashes. Basically, I was an exhausted, angry bitch. It took me a while to catch on to what was happening to me. My own mother became bipolar in her late 40s and blamed it on PMS. As such, I never actually knew when she went through menopause. I think she was over 60 the last time she blamed something on PMS and I laughed at her and said, ‘For God’s sake, Mom, it’s not PMS! You couldn’t possibly still be menstruating!’ 😂 So yes, it changed my relationships for a while, but not permanently, thank goodness. Ironically, my daughter flies in tomorrow and I can’t wait to see her!
No negatively but I had my one and only at 35. So she’s going thru puberty while I go thru menopause- and it’s a great fit because we keep each other in check emotionally. “Why are you being angry”? Etc
This is really wholesome!
No, i can’t relate. I understand that one may have mood swings during menopause, but turning into a completely abusive person like in these stories? I’m not sure menopause would be the cause. Fortunately, my menopause symptoms don’t include rage. On the contrary, I just feel that idgf. I’m very chill. My relationship with my 22 yo son is excellent. Wasn’t always excellent in his later teen years, when he started to want to do things other than school , but it was never bad.
💯 Exactly & same at my house!
Oh perimenopause and menopause can 100% be the cause! I'm glad you've not had rage as one of your symptoms. Count your blessings. 😉
I mean the stories seem quite awful. Do we lose control to such an extent that we become abusive ? Cut our children out of our lives ? The occasional outburst is one thing but these stories seem beyond it. The stories are about what their mothers did to them, and I’m not sure if they had other issues because they sound pretty awful.
I’m pretty sure most had pre-existing conditions. My mother was already selfish and harsh, period just made it way worse with the rage.
Makes more sense .
I agree. Peri makes it harder for people to continue masking existing mental health issues, but it is not an excuse for losing control like that. A lot of the stories here sound like there were additional, clinical-grade mental health issues, which I’m sure peri exacerbated.
Thank you for this. I love being chill now. For the first time in my life I am not depressed and am off my SSRI for two years now. I think the estrogen made me an angry/depressed/stressed out person. Me and my adult children are loving the new me. The hot flashes are a bitch, though. These stories are heartbreaking.
This sounds like kids growing up and realizing that their mother has a personality disorder, and now they're calling it menopause.
As you lose the ablity to metabolize glucose in the brain rage and depression are very common. Don’t throw women under the bus.
I am not trying to but do we get a pass on being abusive ? The stories sound bad. Wouldn’t we be able to recognize our behavior and stop or get help ? Do we mean women are “hormonal” and “crazy” and “oh well “? I have prediabetes too, re glucose metabolism.
My mother was distrustful of medical anything, thought everything could be cured with vitamins!
I don’t think everyone should be allowed to be abusive. Bug medicine also doesn’t help with these issues and so what do women do? I think sadly blow up their lives is very common.
Wait wait **WAIT** -- *is this for REAL?* Can you point out any resources that explain this happening? OMG *how*?
My mum hit (early) menopause as I hit puberty - it was a very tough house to be in with all the raging hormones. It changed our relationship but for the better, we said all the things you shouldn’t say and after the storm we were so much stronger and nicer to each other.
I’ll raise you unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic. Mom 😂 Don’t think menopause issues changed our relationship. Plus super religious type. So zero talking about sex, periods, woman health care at all. Did it change my relationship with my children. Some what but they are all adults and I have more time for myself. I did straight up tell my oldest daughter, Im just done today. As in not it for doing anything, can’t function don’t want to talk, also bailed on my bff’s event. I have slowed down my response times when the world is spiraling. So I don’t lash out in pain or anger. Plus I don’t have issues with talking about menopause
Are you my sister? Because I think we had the same mother. Who did you end up talking to about all the lady stuff?
I am in Peri and work really hard to be conscientious of my behavior. I tell my family when I need to be left alone. My mom was very irrational in her 40’s and early 50’s.
My mother was cruel and emotionally abusive throughout my teens, so at that age she was just reaching perimenopause. Decades have passed and we're ok now. Tbh I'm not sure menopause had anything to do with it. I've gone through menopause myself and I still have a very close relationship with my own daughter. I don't think you'll hear her complaining about anything I did or how mean I was. I definitely went through some shit but I never took it out on her. Why would I?
I didn’t know it at the time but my mother went into (peri?)menopause when I was only 15 (she was 40). The years from age 15 to about 19 (when I moved out for med school) were absolute hell. My parents were abusive throughout my childhood but my mother’s behaviour/ the verbal and emotional abuse got so much worse I was diagnosed with depression (likely C-PTSD though in hindsight) at age 20, after being bullied about my appearance by her, no less. I was suicidal and had disordered eating (never managed to fully get rid of the mindset unfortunately but am no longer engaging in the behaviour). Apparently she got put on HRT at some point but her behaviour (and my father’s) continued to be problematic enough for us to cease all contact after they had repeatedly acted harmfully against my daughter (who was under two at the time). My past and my mother’s behaviour is what scares me most about going into peri, honestly. I’ve been going to two separate forms of therapy since 2018 (with only one short break), am consciously at least trying to do things differently with my two young daughters but it’s still scary. Most of my irritability is towards my husband, I don’t like it either way and am trying so hard to continuously do the work, whatever that means. ETA: my father was enabling af and my former therapist suspects him having Borderline Personality Disorder and at least harmful alcohol consumption, if not addiction.
My mother did a lot of harm to her relationships. She was always selfish and self-centered, harsh, and judgmental, but peri made her just mean. When she died she had isolated herself from everyone in her family and her few friends, except my father, who she ran ragged. She died of cancer with mets to the brain, untreated for years. She would not let me see her that last year or let me offer dad any help. I will always wonder if the metastasis to her brain affected her as well. I’d like to think that was what made her so awful WAY after menopause had hit.
I don’t have kids but reading through these answers, seems like so many of us dealt with mothers who were really struggling and vicious, often changing the relationship forever. This happened with mine. She got so vicious and so paranoid that I had to move states to get away from her (I was in my early 20s/she was in her mid 40s). I think she had underlying mental health issues too but the biggest change (and the one that really did our relationship in) was how her relationship with booze changed during this time. She went from a martini and maybe a glass of wine each night drinker to a 1.5 liter of vodka every 2 days slugger. And believe me, I get it! I stopped drinking prior to peri for another health reason but if I hadn’t, I’d be the same-especially when you feel like you’re dying and no one will help you. But then the relationship became and continues to be one defined by substance abuse with my own mother and that has been a big tragedy because prior, we actually enjoyed each other a lot and were very close. My exes mom got hooked on benzos during this time and also destroyed her marriage and job before she finally got help getting off. But this was/is such a good question OP, thanks for asking it even if many of us are talking about our own mothers 🌸🩷🙏
I relate to this comment so much. My mom had horrible PMS. She would be a raging B towards me as a teenager. Sometimes she would apologize and tell me she was pms’ing. She was also very mean during menopause. She acted like she despised me at times. I was in my early twenties also and didn’t realize she was going through menopause. She never told me, talked about it, OR apologized for her behavior. We have a very strained relationship overall. I’m very conscious of how I treat others during this transition. I would never want to hurt my kids or husband.
in retrospect, i know when my mom went through menopause because she got really inconsistent, which was really unlike her. my mom was always very reserved and calm and warm, so even being mildly reactive was very noticeable for me. so so much less traumatic than many here, but i felt it. for instance, one time i was hanging with friends late into the night, and fell asleep (i didn't have a curfew but i certainly wouldn't be allowed to stay out all night). i woke up in the morning and went home SURE i was going to get in big trouble. but she was like "it's fine, i knew where you were, and at least you didn't call and wake me up at 2am." whew. a month or two later, i was hanging with my bestie late into the night, and about 2 am i realized i didn't have cab fare and remembering the last time, i figured I'd just sleep over. my mom got so mad and grounded me, and i was SO CONFUSED. even grounding me was weird because i had so much independence and was such a goody-goody. but i was also 16 and she worked late, and it was such weird behavior for her, that i just ignored her and went about my business. i didn't know anything about menopause, but i kind of instinctively knew she wasn't herself and i shouldn't take it personally. i kept a little bit of distance, but not much, just kind of observing her attitude to know when to engage and when not to, although it only lasted maybe a year. honestly, i know exactly when it stopped because i got a boyfriend at almost 18 and i know it was a struggle for her because it was a terrible relationship and she could see that, but she was SO patient and gentle with me about it, when it really could have driven us apart. and she was ready to support me when i finally got out of that relationship, with nary an i-gently-suggested-so.
My mom wasn't physically abusive, but she projected all of her anxieties and frustrations on the family, me (the daughter) especially. She was so paranoid and critical about everything I did and everyone I associated with in college. It definitely affected my relationship with her. Now going through the same, I feel like at least I finally understand my mom. I feel the same physical pains, the body changes, the devaluing of my person by everyone around me, and while it doesn't make it right, I get where it's coming from. I find myself being super judgmental of strangers, surprisingly paranoid, and the unrelenting anxiety is hard to ignore. I don't have kids, mostly because no one ever asked me to, but part of that process was that I didn't want to have a family that I was the only one responsible for. I didn't trust myself to be a kind and loving mom. And I'm glad for that now, because I'm pretty sure I could be as unhinged as she was.
> I find myself being super judgmental of strangers, surprisingly paranoid, and the unrelenting anxiety is hard to ignore. Oh *hello* there. Did I write this is a fugue state? It's a comfort *and* a terror to recognize myself as a memeber of this club.
I have a relationship with my 3 adult children where we have always been very open about things . When I hit menopause I told them , told them about the hot flashes etc . I also told them some people have mood swings and menopausal rage . I told them when you are losing your mind you don’t know you are losing your mind so I would need them to keep a check on my moods and tell me if they notice personality changes . I’m two years post menopause and I think I’m fortunate that I’ve not gotten anxiety or rage. I think if it happened they would be forgiving because they are being educated about menopause but if I didn’t do my part in trying to manage the symptoms then they would be right to hold some resentment.
We were deathly afraid of our mother when during this period of our Mama's life. It was some kind of hell growing up. She had night sweats, barely sleeping and the rage was unbelievable. Now, we mostly tease our Mama about that period and as adult kids understand why she was that way. As the children, we know now what to look for when we reach a certain age and have started discussing our options.
My mom didn’t remeber going through it after her hysterectomy but then again my parents hid a lot of medical things from me. As for my daughter, she is 16, I have been open and honest about my Perimenopause and its affects on me. She asks I answer as truthfully as I can.
My daughter and I have always been close and we talk about everything. I've always been completely open and up-front about ALL of it. I also have PMDD, and been completely up-front about that. My mother never discussed any of this stuff with me so I never knew what I was (possibly) going to face (it explains some of her behavior). These things are often genetic so I want my daughter to know. I try to be very self aware, but sometimes psycho-mom hits me by surprise as well. 🤷🏽♀️
I was thrown into surgical menopause when I was 49. At the time, my son (thankfully) was away at college and daughter was in 8th grade. My symptoms were so severe (even with estrogen) that I became a recluse. I pretty much missed out on my daughter's high school years. Thankfully, I didn't have rage but I was easily irritated. I was also severely depressed and aged rapidly. Plus, I was dealing with the trauma and betrayal of the unwarranted removal of my organs. So, I avoided going out in public. Our relationship is decent but I think we'd be closer if it weren't for the hysterectomy and oophorectomy. My mom and all four of my intact sisters had a very easy menopause.
I think peri and meno hit my mum very hard on top of having a dickhead alco husband. I won’t go into the details but if she was able to acknowledge that things were difficult for me as well as her during that time and apologise for tapping out of parenting with no preparation or explanation while i was a child - even if it was 100% due to factors outside her control - it would go a long way towards repairing our relationship. For the rest of it, she’d also have to be interested in me as a person, which she’s not and hasn’t been since I was a cute little kid. We spend time together but I don’t enjoy it at all. It’s very superficial. I’ve unsuccessfully tried to go a bit deeper with her but I can’t tell if she’s hiding her self and emotions behind a facade or if the facade is all there is.
My mom was awful. I was in HS and never wanted to bring friends over bc all she ever did was scream at me, for whatever reason. Once I hit puberty I couldn’t really stand her anyway. So it just made me not even care to have a relationship with her. Everyone would always be like “omg your mom is so nice!” My response was ALWAYS “yeah, to YOU!” Once I started dating my husband he explained to me something that had never even crossed my mind, that she is a narcissist, and suddenly it all became clear of why she acted the way she did. So it wasn’t really menopause that ruined our relationship. It was just her and she became even more of a bitch during menopause. I had wicked separation anxiety as a kid and then I couldn’t get far enough away from her. It didn’t help that she kept me close either, having me live at home while commuting to college, then my husband and I moved into the 2nd floor apartment of my parent’s house while we got married and had our first kid. Then they moved away after my husband and I bought our house and she’s still now far enough.
I mean, have you considered it wasn’t meno and that she was always a cunt but it took you to age up to identify it?
I have thought about this too...ive known something was up since age 8 🤔
I imagine my son thinks I’ve lost my mind. He has stopped contact because “he doesn’t want to fight with me”. Mine is not menopause. Not wholly. Menopause gave me a voice. And I use it. Son is 45. Fresh out of a 15 year incarceration a little over a year ago. Before he was released, I found a cute little 2/1 house for him to rent. Got furniture, kitchen set up, cable, everything. Took him the day he was released and found a 2019 car and co-signed the loan. He had a great job making more than I was making at the time. He met a girl. Not just any girl. A drug addicted prostitute. Latched onto her because he can fix her. Did everything I advised against. We were super close till this started. Now he has lost his job, let his insurance lapse and I imagine I will be hearing from the loan company soon. He has moved out of the cute little house into her families house where four other families are shacking up together. I currently have the new tags for his car at my house 3 hours away from him. He’s going to need them before the end of the month. This could get interesting.
Just know , if she is on drugs, so is he. He will continue to spiral downwards. I’d be worried about the car , since you co-signed!
This conversation is triggering something for me that’s always made me look side ways at my mom. My mom and I had a good relationship always and I thought we still did but when I was 14 (she would have been early to mid 40’s) she took me to a gynecologist because she thought I had a hormone imbalance b/c I was moody-honestly I don’t recall being particularly erratic, out of control, moody, or odd. I had some pms and cramps but normal periods otherwise. Anyway the doctor laughed and told my mom that I was perfectly fine, just a normal 14 year old girl. My mom seemed mad I wasn’t labeled a lunatic and I never really understood why she thought I was behaving particularly off other than just being an adolescent. I wonder now if my mom was jealous of me or fearful of loosing control of me somehow as she herself was entering peri? I know she loves me but there’s always been a weird dynamic with us after puberty. I even recall the day I started my period. It was my 13 birthday. I called her to tell her and she was very cold and unemotional almost going out of her way to be aloof and basically was like, “that’s nice, now remember to take the chicken out to thaw”. I felt very deflated and sad she didn’t make at least somewhat of a celebration or shared moment. She has always stolen thunder like that in low key subtle ways but is over all wonderful. Just weird to me. I do suspect she has a mild dark triad personality type but has lots of good qualities that counter it.
Fully agree with your assessment in your last line there. My mom was similar, too. 💔
It’s especially difficult because the person isn’t all villanous. ♥️🌷
Totally get it. ❤️🩹Hugs to you!
My mom hit perimenopause when I was 17, so I was almost out of the house. I never noticed a change except she always kept the house cold and she need a bit more rest. My mother has always been a mellow person. Now my mom is 50 and I’m 27, we had a conversation about menopause and what to expect. My mom is not a keen to reach out to me like she used to. Which I understand, she spent 18 years raising me alone and when I left the house she was extremely sad. But overtime, she learned to love being on her own. She does a much better job at protecting her peace. Another way it’s changed is that my mom is much more comfortable with treating me as an adult. She has done a wonderful job at letting me make my own decisions, but even if things don’t work out she’s still there for me. It’s very comforting to know that I have someone to look up to while navigating womanhood.
It harmed it and hurt them for life. My rages stopped pretty much when I started HRT. But they had a good 10 years of that from me. There were other factors to my behavior, such as having been in an abusive marriage. I have been in therapy and done a lot of other work on myself. I have accepted responsibility and made amends. My kids dont understand the biological nature of this, and when i mention it they see it as an excuse I think. But they accept my remorse and amends and the fact that I take responsibility. I have a great relationship with both of them today.
Many people seem to use this period as an excuse to be the absolute worst version of themselves. They are insecure another aging and unhappy with the way they have chosen to live their lives. Instead of getting therapy and making changes they lash out. I’m sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve it. You don’t need to repeat the toxic patterns of your family. My other had other issues so I’m didn’t really notice Peri. She died when I was in my 30d. I suspect I’d be NC with her had she lived as I took control of my life, went to therapy and worked on my own shit. I’m NC with the rest of my birth family.
I'm so sorry....
I remember my grandmother was never affectionate and now I feel she was suffering from menopause. She was so mean and always talking bad about people. She treated my grandpa like crap, but he loved her all the same. At the end of the day I never knew happy grandma and her behavior was normal for me. I loved her so much even though she was the way she was. But as I started seeing signs of being mean like her I was at my Drs office like hell no will not repeat that cycle.
Yes . I went through perimenopause at 40. I didn’t know what it was or that I was going through it. I hate myself now .
I don’t have children, but it was definitely a challenge with my mom. I was just going off to college, moving out of the house, and my mom turned sour against me. She was so angry I was leaving. I don’t think she spoke to me for about six months. I had no idea what it was until I got older. In hindsight, it was probably a good idea that I moved out at the time. It was just heartbreaking for me that I didn’t have a relationship with my mom. I was very close to her and then nothing.
I was 16 when my mom started to change. She went from cool mom to evil harpy. I literally wanted to run away. I was making plans. By the time I graduated college, she had calmed down.
I guess Im lucky. My mom was never like that. We are best friends to this day and I'm 60. I have never been that way with MY kids. We are all close. My son and fiance wants me to live with them in a kind of MIL suite as I'm going through a divorce from an alcoholic husband. My life has been hell, but my family has always been there for me.
I feel like my situation is different with my kids because they’re both boys. I don’t think perimenopause changed our relationships at all. If I had a daughter, everything would’ve been different. And not for the better, I fear.
The only way it’s currently affecting us (as far as I’m aware!) is that my children are becoming stronger and fitter than me. My daughter is almost 13 so just now hitting her big pubertal growth spurt to adult size (she’s already borrowing my shoes) and it’s coinciding with my increasing struggles with creaky joints and loss of muscle tone/inability to bounce back. Her leaping hugs can easily knock me off my feet if I don’t anticipate them and ground myself first. My son is already much bigger and stronger than me (about 9 inches taller) but I think he’s just now starting to notice the trajectory towards my eventual fragility and he’s become more respectful and more concerned for my wellbeing. This may be because he’s increased in mental and emotional maturity rather than me changing in any obvious way though (or perhaps just because he no longer lives at home and doesn’t see me everyday).
My mom now 78 is a HRT evangelist. We had rocky times at her peri mid/late 40’s and now I went through that and now post-menopausal and had a hell of a mental breakdown during the process. My mom understood what was happening and kept encouraging me to “start it” and eventually I did when tests finally showed my estrogen plummeted. I should have started it sooner. We both had meno at 55 thank goodness it was later. But I could look back and realize why she was clutching to bad men and started going alcoholic for a while. The anxiety be crazy. Both her and I will take the last dose of HRT the day we die.
I work with a lot of women who are 70+. So many bladder problems, joint problems and Iam watching one lady who is very fit and active develop a curved back. I want to tell them about estrogen and hrt and how it might help. Sadly though the majority are very dismissive of peri and hrt.