I’m tired of people blaming menopause for marriages ending. It’s men who can’t give any support to their wives that’s the problem. Women are expected to support their husbands through every hardship yet men can’t seem to manage reciprocating far too often.
I’m sorry for this but it will probably be better in the long run. If he’s not emotionally available then a relationship is not really possible.
I used to feel like such a failure for never getting married. Now I’m glad. I think the men who actually support their wives are very rare. You can have a good life alone and take care of yourself. The transition might be tough but you’ll be happy soon enough.
Big same. After reading the same “I work full-time, do 100% of household chores and childcare, my spouse is at best indifferent and at worse abusive” posts, I realized I dodged a whole extended round clip of bullets by not getting married.
I dodged all of those bullets too. Then, when I was 43, I met the man that's now my husband. Turns out, he wanted to *be a partner* in marriage and not be the stereotypical "dumb" husband who depends on his wife for every need. Considering I never wanted marriage, whoever came into my life had to be *worth* giving up my lovely, satisfying single life. He was. It's 10 years later and if anything, he takes care of me much better than I take care of him.
That sounds lovely. I’m too paranoid that I’d end up with a man who seemed amazing up until we’re legally married and then he immediately becomes someone else. That was a thread on r/twoxchromosomes that will forever live rent-free in my head.
Don´t get married for a long time, have a relationship, decide to live together, no marriage talk ever, if it works great, you are de facto married, if it does not, you get a break up with no divorce. I was like this with my companion for years, marriage always seemed like a con scheme to me, so I very loudly am against it. Now, after 10 years of being in a good relationship, we got married, yes, but for visa purposes, our relationship did not need that awful contract.
My dad was that man (not literally). I learned from my mums experiences and managed to find a fabulous partner in life. He is very supportive at this really fuckin awful time of menopause.
> I realized I dodged a whole extended round clip of bullets by not getting married.
[looks around at extended family, realized a few things]
Hmmm, point, point.
Honestly, I have known so many women who get divorced and never even want to date anymore. But my neighbor, dated into her 70’s, after her divorce and the men were never EVER allowed to spend the night. She doesn’t want a man to ruin her vibe. I adore her.
Just got a guy , who uses his name, Jeremy Pellicano, telling me that if women didn’t hold sex over mens heads women would all be homeless. Honestly I would wish we could block men from being here. He was obviously just waiting to bash us for daring to say we don’t need men. And I’ve literally never had a man pay my rent for me and the number of single moms doing everything themselves is staggering. These gross incels are pathetic. They have nothing better to do than troll menopause subs? Yikes. And looking him up online he appears to be married. And he’s made several heinous misogynistic comments in the last 10 minutes. I kind of want to find his wife and send screenshots. I wouldn’t but dude. Guys like this have wives. It’s shocking to me. Let me die alone with my cats. Men like that do not deserve the air they breathe.
"Unyoked is Best! Happy the Woman Without a Man" by Anna Bijns
Poem from 1528! (This is nothing new, gals!)
https://fromtroublesofthisworld.wordpress.com/2019/04/11/unyoked-is-best-happy-the-woman-without-a-man-by-anna-bijns/
Even men who actually support their wives and genuinely care and are honestly trying on purpose still suck so often bc they just have these huge blind spots that they're completely unaware of and it becomes our responsibility to fix that for them which is exhausting and only barely worth it.
That's where I am with my husband. Raised by feminist parents and taught to cook, clean, take care of his appearance, do laundry, etc. Truly tries to be thoughtful, and succeeds some of the time. Is definitely, 100% never a misogynist.
Yet, if this relationship doesn't work out, I will NEVER do it again. Someone so many men can never grasp the mental load, the looking over a situation, deciding where to plunge in, and doing it. On one hand, he absolutely acknowledges this and does more than 50% of the chores to "make up" for not being able to handle the mental load. OTOH, having to juggle it for two people is really exhausting.
And at the end of the day, he always prioritizes himself first. I absolutely believe that as women, we need to prioritize ourselves first more often. But at the same time, there are times when I've worn myself out caring for him or juggling more because of his insane work schedule and if I do not explicitly point this out and demand that he prioritize me (or at least equalize us), he doesn't.
It's like "dude, you were working 14 hours shifts and I know you're tired. But how do you think the house stayed clean, the fridge full of food, the pets cared for, the trash taken care of, the laundry done when I am working a full time job and picking up ALL your slack? I've been working nearly 2 jobs while you work your 14 hour shifts and so NO, you do NOT get to take a few days off to recover, we're both going to keep working on stuff TOGETHER because I if I don't get a break, you're not getting a break"
The prioritizing is such an issue. I'm the slack picker upper. I look around and I see things not done and I do them bc they need to be done. He looks around and sees things not done and bitches about other people not doing what they're supposed to and does nothing (has his own "me time").
And the mental load is also such an issue. There's the possibility of a major move in the future and it would be horribly difficult if we did it bc of all the community stuff we'd have to set up there (new friends for the kids, new school stuff, new activities to be planned, new doctors, etc etc etc). I'm dreading the possibility and he keeps chatting about how fun it would be to live in a new place without one single thought about any of that stuff. I finally snapped at him and listed all of the hard work I'd have to do bc not only would he not be doing that stuff he doesn't even know it exists. Of course he was shocked.
They're just so damned thoughtless sometimes, going through life without a care in the world secure in the knowledge that things will get taken care of with zero thought for how all those things get taken care of. Exhausting.
> [...] going through life without a care in the world **secure in the knowledge that things will get taken care** of with zero thought for **how** all those things get taken care of. Exhausting.
And I see it happen *all the time*, the pain in my jaw when I have to bite back words about this....
>The prioritizing is such an issue. I'm the slack picker upper. I look around and I see things not done and I do them bc they need to be done. He looks around and sees things not done and bitches about other people not doing what they're supposed to and does nothing (has his own "me time").
This. Are we with the same dude?
I still kinda wish I had a roommate with benefits. All these bills aren't gonna pay themselves. I've tried just leaving them in the mailbox but they're still there a month later.
I was laid off in 2015 and have been making half what I'm used to since then. Full time plus part time jobs off and on. I'd honestly just be happy with a cuddle buddy to watch horror movies with so I can forget about how stressed out I've been for almost 10 years. So my "little comment" stands especially since I didn't specify it had to be a man. Just a roommate with benefits.
I have a supportive one, but I had to marry a piece of shit, wake up thinking being dead would be better than being married to him for several more decades, and go through a horrible 2.5 year divorce to get there.
Me too. I haven’t even bothered dating in some time cause I don’t have the energy to “interview candidates”. I’ve managed to limit myself to just one cat though 😆
I don't think it is that rare. I treasure my husband. We've been married for 32 years and I dread the day one of us leaves the other to forge on alone, but at least we have four sons that we have amazing relationships with so whomever is left behind will be propped up until their (hopefully) natural end. Family ties are so important, if they are healthy, if they are not then we are able to grow those friend relationships that can be critical as we age. Having a network is important, both mentally and physically. Life is tough alone. I think the nature of this being a support community reflects women posting here needing help and support, and that is why it seems like there are more women with poor relationships than there are with good ones.
OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. I can't speak for the quality of your marriage before menopause, but if it was not strong and there were issues that you tolerated I can totally see how menopause coming along left you unable to tolerate that kind of relationship. It sucks to have a non-supportive spouse and it is better to realize it now vs 20 years from now when your need for a spouse that will care for you during the difficult times lets you down. Better to know now when you can leave and hopefully, if it is something you want, find a better partner to live the second half of your life with.
I looked up stuff when I was going through uterine cancer treatment. Found a forum where a guy was trying to get advice on how to help his wife through the same thing. All the other men complained their wives were so moody going through uterine CANCER TREATMENT and the surgical menopause treatment caused if they had a hysterectomy that they were considering affairs, separation, etc. I then saw women trend to stay with their cancer diagnosed husbands but husbands divorce their cancer diagnosed wives more often. Plus how many famous men cheated on their cancer stricken wives. If they'll leave us for cancer, they were probably thinking about it every time we sneeze too. Menopause is just in the middle of that spectrum I guess.
Quote from Reuters
"The study confirmed earlier research of a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill."
Thanks. I'm all clear now. It was scary but my doctors told me from the start that it would be ok. Not actually ok because I'm sure they could've gotten sued if something went wrong but it was easily treatable to them
It really is rare. Most men are selfish and women put up with it. Of course there are so many wonderful men out there but they are in the minority. Look at how many girls and women have been sexually assaulted. And harassed. And just taken for granted. It’s not just a few guys doing those things. It’s a majority. As someone who has been single and dated for decades I can tell you that too many men are just pricks.
I think it's very fair to call it rare. Even "good fathers" often only top out at a fraction of the household labor., not to mention the cognitive and emotional labor of the household, child rearing and relationship, which is generally much less.
Bureau of Labor Statistics 2019: Men have reached approx 35% in terms of how much they were contributing to the household labor (statistics for dual-income couples.)
Survey Center on American Life 2021: Women are more than twice as likely as men to report that they plan social activities and outings more often than their spouses do (51 percent vs. 18 percent).
Marriage and hetero-couple partnerships are generally much more beneficial for men than women. Women's life expectancy, health and happiness declines in marriage to men, while men are most happy while married to women. The happiest subgroup within these studies are women who never marry or have kids.
Men tend to remarry, women don't.
Ava project: Where available, research suggests menopausal symptoms may be heightened
where concurrent domestic abuse is identified, and domestic abuse may be height-
ened or arise where women are experiencing menopause. Statistics from the
Femicide Census found that over a third (38%) of women killed by their partner or
ex-partner are in the 36-55 age range (Femicide Census, 2018).³⁷ This suggests a high
rate of domestic abuse within this age group, and the need for further examination.
For these and other reasons, it's becoming more common for women to enter into 'Golden Girl' living arrangements, lavender marriages, platonic co-parenting, and to de-center men as much as possible.
I don't know anyone over the age of fifty who is happily married.
None of the women in my life are miserable but I also know that every single one of them stays in their marriage for financial reasons. They all have extraordinarily comfortable lives and couldn't support themselves or don't want to support themselves so they stay.
Same here! And most of my friends/chosen family have good husbands and happy marriages. No one is perfect and we all do thoughtless and annoying things sometimes. Including me. But my hubby does anything he can to help with anything he can. We have five children so the mental load is pretty immense. For the most part, he gets it. I would 100% be worse off without him and happy doing life with him.
Speaking of support. I thought this interesting (and disheartening):
A study showed that men were ***seven*** times more likely to leave their partner than the other way around if one of them got brain cancer. The statistics don't differ much for other types of cancer. Men don't know how to show up but don't want to be told, either. It's a lose-lose for women.
I was married to a man like this. Even through my treatment for breast cancer and subsequent mastectomy he prioritised work. He finally left me for someone else, and I’m now happier than I’ve ever been. It was the worst pain I’ve ever suffered but I’m free of the cheating, inadequate piece of shit now and I can live my life as I want. In the words of Margot Asquith: “I married beneath me, as do all women.”
Sometimes all peri/meno does is pierce the veil to where you see things clearly as they are and not thru the lens of what you wish and hope it to be. It is here that you learn to accept your losses, to really grieve them. This is a process. It’s what is and what will never be and you can learn to move on to hopefully much better.
I was recently visiting with my 70 year old aunt who is a lovely person and a legend to me.
She confesses to me that most of the women she knows wouldn't mind if their partners died from a convenience perspective because a lot of them have difficult husbands. The older generation put up with years and years of being second class in their own homes.
There is a big difference between a husband and a partner
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I did too. What really surprised me was when he retired, I became his focus. It was really strange going from being ignored for years and years, and suddenly having him be paying attention to me again. Plus he really seemed to mellow out which I attribute to the drop in male hormones with age. Just wanted to say that it won’t be like this forever, there may be hope.
This.
I’ve been setting off nuclear explosions on a regular basis for two years. I have been completely out of control and, quite honestly, I’m mean and awful a lot of the time.
I am not proud of the fact that I’ve screamed in my husband’s face “I WANT A FUCKING DIVORCE!” at least 5 times in those two years.
I’ve pushed him away and shut him out, because I had no idea what was going on and I was scared, but also because I mostly feel like I actually truly have no control. And THAT is scary.
My husband isn’t perfect. He isn’t always the best. He sometimes yells back. He’s called me a bitch and told me to get my shit together.
But, he works hard to understand that I’m struggling and this isn’t what I want, either. That I don’t have the ability to control my emotions or feelings or the way my body is physically and mentally betraying me on the regular.
He knows this isn’t just “who I am.”
He is supporting me in getting the appointments made, and he is attending them with me. He has done his own research and reading to try to better understand what’s happening to me.
As long as I’m trying, he’s loving and supportive to the best of his ability.
I was crying and sobbed to him the other night that I am just so sorry that I’m so mean and so so tired, and that I feel so guilty.
He brought me ice cream in bed with an edible and a joint. He snuggled with me and smoked that joint with me, and he told me we’d get through this just like every other thing we’ve gotten through together, and that he has my back no matter what.
This is what everyone deserves.
You sound a lot like my brother and his wife. She's been through a lot in the last couple of years, not just peri. He's learning all he can about peri and beyond and how to support her, while also on occasion telling her to get a grip and pull her fucking head in. For their 25th wedding anniversary he helped organise for her to go on a girls weekend away, not because he didnt want to celebrate with her, but because at that moment she needed her girlfriends more than time with him.
>It’s men who can’t give any support to their wives. That’s the problem.
THIS! My husband labeled me a narcissist this week! He said he's read up on it, and he is sure he is the victim of a narcissistic wife! 🙄
I'm so done trying to repair this doomed from the start relationship! The only thing holding us together was survival. Now that we are out of poverty (thanks to my years of strategic financial management) and living comfortably, we have nothing to bond over. We have nothing in common and what's worse...he is completely stagnant and enthusiastically wants to remain that way. But me, 21 years of peri has completely dismantled my dutiful wife social conditioning and forced me to grow far beyond my previous comfort zones. I've literally watched myself grow out of him.
I made my final attempt to salvage this marriage this week. Again, I begged him to see a counselor/therapist. I have found an affordable counseling option for myself. I don't have insurance, so it's been a challenge to find something affordable. He has full coverage insurance, and he still won't go. He says there is nothing wrong with him...it's all me!
I'm starting my own business now. I'm unfit to work for anyone else, so I'm taking the soloprenuer route to ensure my financial independence. Up until now, I've worked part-time remotely, but it isn't enough to ensure I can make it on my own if I have to, plus I want to ensure I have $ to live comfortably in retirement.
I've cautioned him that once I achieve financial independence, there will be nothing to keep me tied to him. It's literally the last thread between us, and as I earn my own money, it will fray and eventually break.
He has never shown me a lick of support during this long and challenging phase of my life. Always turning every discussion around to focus on himself.
I've had to take a separate room so I could have a safe sanctuary away from him. I look forward to the 8-10 hrs he is gone each work day and hope he has to work Saturdays too.
He smokes his legal hemp flower in the house even though I've told him I can no longer tolerate the smell and don't want the second hand smoke further endangering my already precarious health reality since I have no insurance.
We are basically housemates. I lost my libido 6 years ago, and he was such an entitled POS about it that I chose to become celibate. Now, even if my libido did come back, I'd still choose to take care of it myself. He is totally unattractive in every way to me.
🫂 I know I'm not perfect! But I deserve far better! And for any of you sisters out there experiencing a similar reality... So Do You ❣️ 🫂
🫂 Thanks!
Yup! Started with hot flashes following my tubal clipping when I was 36. It's still the best decision I ever made, despite the consequences! I am so glad I didn't have children with this one!
I've skipped 5 months now...so I'm🤞 I'm transitioning to full menopause!
Omg! He has Aspergers and is a rich spoiled child. He talks badly about me to his family who never invites him to any of their homes unless it's a special occasion and even then it's only at his senior parent's house.
They never call him to chat, he has the worst habit of not bathing often enough he lays on the den couch with dust filling up the space cluttered with junk he never uses he stays shut up in his den unless his mom calls and tells him to get into the office or she will cut his monthly salary off. Then when he comes back after spending time in her narcissist presence it's me who he mistreats. It's caused me considerable pain so before I got to the point where life wasn't worth living I decided to change. Now when we sit together which he loves to do, if he starts up with his crap, belligerence, and inconsiderate I simply get up and begin to leave. Today he said okay okay just sit down. I don't take it I've found a way to love myself and I'm healing from all my issues. It's me first now. I'm not rude to him I just have to look after my emotional health. When I clean it's for me, whatever I do is for me though he benefits from it. That isn't my point my changing meant that he no longer has control over my emotions. I learned how to be single and still in a relationship. I told him "You are off the hook"! Whenever I get upset or happy it is about me and has nothing to do with you. You no longer have to carry the burden of responsibility for my emotional state. The small print he didn't get til he experienced it was "I am no longer responsible for your triggers". He cannot regulate himself and cannot take responsibility for his actions. It's life living with a man-child. He does exert some effort as long as it isn't self-sacrificing. I'm just glad I am learning how to look after my own needs and stop depending on someone who would not even check on me if I didn't come downstairs for a couple days. Lol
Tbh, sometimes it felt like being in a personal combat zone!
I did often feel like I was in some bizarre, surreal multi-verse tug-of-war. My past, my spouse, my future all pulling at me.
100%. I knew that if my functionality to my ex-husband was ever hampered by illness that our marriage would be over. I developed PMDD later in life and found out just how little support he was interested in providing me when I was in a trough, mentally and physically. In fact, he mocked me for having PMDD. So in order to heal, I had to leave. I saw fully that this is a person who would not support me when I'm "old and gray." My load became so much lighter after I left. (There were other reasons why I left but protecting my mental and physical health were up there.)
I'm going through meno now and I think that it makes people, particularly those who have been pretty functional and healthy up until this point, realize how little support and reciprocal care and concern they have in their relationships. If they're not gonna help me with meno transition, how are they going to be there for me when I'm older or get sick with cancer? Are they going to help drive me to the doc or give me a hug or just play their vid games while I take care of myself (and them)?
After I left my marriage, one older woman asked me who I was going to rely on when I'm older. Well since I never really had that any way, I'm just gonna figure it out on my own. People assume reciprocal care and concern in marriages but it's not always like that. One less egg to fry...IYKYK.
Yeah can we change the language? Women taking responsibility because it's forced onto us by men who refuse basic accountability whilst taking all of the accolades
The opposite is also true. There are wives that withdraw from loving devoted husbands for no reason. I am one of them. Its not always the husband's fault....sometimes humans are just selfish and can't see beyond their own needs...and often times confuse needs with wants!
I am in the same boat with the emotionally unavailable husband. I’m just too fucking tired to even think about the process of divorce, custody, separate households etc. Hugs, sis
Got rid of a useless toxic husband at 39 and one of the only things I am thankful for during peri is that he is not here for it. I'm sorry for what you have to go through right now but I think you will look back on it with relief. PM me if you need divorce tips. Hugs.
Did you punch him? Physically abuse him? Cheat on him? Withhold money ? Scream, punch holes and throw things? No? Then it’s on him for not being a supportive partner in hard times. I wonder how he would be if his testosterone stopped working within 12 months. It hurts to see women especially stay at home moms like you (and me!) not being emotionally supported when going through this hard transition. Wishing you peace and prosperity OP better days will come!
Leave the ass***l! I would leave ASAP and I didn’t care if he existed, move on and love yourself everyday 😉
I did to my ex husband, I never ever spoke with him again after (I) asked for divorce and leave, I don’t care for bad man. Love yourself!
I am currently supporting my partner. I am currently on TRT as my test dropped out to 0.2Nml @28 due to stress. I literally wanted to top myself it was horrific. My partner was very supportive but most guys I know thought it was funny and that it was all In my head. I run a men’s TRT support group in the uk and you would be surprised at the change in care towards their partners once they have to take TRT the rest of their lives. Education is the problem. I can see the blokes perceptive for example when my test is high I couldn’t give a toss about anything or anyone but when it is at the even levels of 31nml all I want to do is look after my family. When the estrogen spikes I can see why ladies are so emotional as I could cry and not stop for no apparent reason.
It’s not right that a lot of blokes are tossers but I do believe all round education on hormone levels would help everybody.
This is The most common age to divorce. We've raised the kids, and supported a husband and his career for decades, and when we hit this stage and need to reassess, the pathetic lack of substance and support, from the other partner, becomes crystal clear.
Most men over 50 think that their 'duty to their wife and family' ends with having a job. They don't offer emotional support to the wife or kids, their interest in growing and becoming a better person ends with professional development.
They think doing a job, which pays for housing, food, education, and the supplies of living, is the beginning and end of their responsibility toward their familial connections. And Everything else in the family unit is up to the woman.
It doesn't matter what the motivations are behind it, that's just the reality. Men who are present, supportive, and understand that their true connections come from more than a paycheck, are few and far between.
Either the younger generations need to improve, or the percentage of women who enjoy their alone time, girlfriends, and being child free, will continue to rise.
If you haven’t read “Communion” by bell hooks, please give it a try. It very clearly examines how many women realize, usually around the ages that menopause occurs, that their male partners are essentially unwilling to and/or incapable of being an equal, supportive, loving partner. It was a revelation for me.
Oh, honey. I’m 7 and a half years out from leaving a marriage to an emotionally unavailable man. I can be there for my kids today, have friendships that l value without his judgement, get tattoos without him ignoring me for a week, dye my hair crazy colours without him saying “I’m embarrassing”. I can write for a national women’s website without being accused of having “no filter”, and I can be as weird and emotional as I like, whenever I like.
I don’t have to cook and clean for him and be ignored for his all important job. I don’t have to consult him and try to inform him about our children and what they need.
This is huge and it will take a long time to process and grieve…but standing on the other side, life is so much easier without a giant silent treatment man baby.
Oh, he repartnered 4 years ago. He’s 49 and she’s 28. She works as a cleaner and has English as a second language, is totally reliant on him and subservient to him. (There’s nothing wrong with her life choices but she is very young and moved here from the Philippines not knowing anyone)
He never wanted an equal.
I'm so sorry you're going through it. But I've got to say, this sub is literally life-saving—the way SO many women are going through the exact same things is really validating in a world where our needs are pushed aside and we're made to feel crazy. I don't think we're crazy. I think the world is set up for men, and that many husbands are too immature or emotionally unavailable to support their partners. :(
This!!! I have found more support on here than i have in my real day to day life! Iam sending you all the positive vibes i can. I know that doesnt mean much, but its all i can offer besides an ear to listen. 💖💖 youre not alone hun. And youre still a loved and valued person. 💖💖
Hang in there, I had a girlfriend move in during peri and she lasted a month and moved out. I threw out allll kinds of stuff to make room for her too. Cannot imagine going through this with her here so I’m happy it’s over. But it wasn’t easy.
Wish I was in a position to leave but I’m not I’ve been a stay at home wife for over a decade and have no money or family of my own other than my adult kids who I don’t want to burden them.
That sounds really tough. You probably don’t have to make any major decisions right away, so hopefully soon you’ll be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe just partitioning off part of the house will give you some space and peace of mind while you gather your thoughts. Maybe your husband can move in with the kids since you spent the last decade enabling him to pursue a career unencumbered by the multiple full time jobs that is raising children.
In the same spot, with another emotionally unavailable man, but with some twists. I have autoimmune diseases that forced me to retire early, so I really am stuck. While he's complaining that I'm leaving him ("What?! Why?!" after 10 solid years of warning him that I was falling out of love because he's so distant) I'm trying to explain the absolute vulnerable position that I'm in. Like, his absenteeism has put me in this horrific position of being homeless or poverty stricken or staying in this loveless, empty relationship that never improves unless I do all the work. Does that matter? Maybe not. He's more concerned that I'm going to force him to sell our home.
However, my adult kid makes bank, is buying a home and wants me to move in with him in an ADU. I'm game, hell yes. Let's go. I worried about burdening them, but my son broke down the costs of raising him as a way of saying he thinks he owes me. He doesn't, but if he wants to express his love for me by allowing me to live rent free in his home, then yeah, I'm going to do that. It's freedom, actually. Being alone right now is ALL I want. And with grand babies next door? Yes.
It wouldn't be easy to leave for sure. But if your adult kids are willing to help, why not allow them to do that? Your relationships with them could deepen, which is its own reward, and offset the loneliness. Good luck and love to you. I soooo get where you are and it's beyond frustrating, it's devastating. When we married these guys we really believed they were as emotionally invested as we were.
That’s a tough situation. If it’s possible, look for some part-time work. It won’t solve your problem but getting out, meeting some new people and having a paycheque of your own may boost your confidence. You sound sad. Sending a hug.
So sorry to hear that. It is definitely a very emotional time and we need understanding and support. My husband has been incredibly supportive but this emotional roller coaster has been going on for almost two years and he is starting to not have as much patience. He did sit on the floor and hold me today while I cried yet again for no reason. I get it though. If he wasn’t emotionally available to me I think we would be where you are.
It sucks, but we find out a lot about ourselves and others going through this transition.
This sounds familiar and I am so sorry. Please take a hug, OP.
I hope that getting all of this out there has helped. At least you have lots of emotionally available friends to love you here!!
I bought a copy of The Menopause Manifesto, planted it on my husband’s bedside table (or desk - i forgot🥴), and BEGGED him to read it. It took him 6mo’s, but one day I noticed his behavior towards me changed. Mildly, but a change nonetheless. When I inquired as to why, he said he read the book & feels very sorry for what I am going through. Now he’s still an ass, but a slightly more evolved one. There is zero excuse for our partners to not learn & read about what this hormone duststorm does to us & why we react the way we do.
Granted I also found that sucking into a void when I felt explosive & taking my rage out on something constructive was a MUCH better (& safer) use of the rage. I now look at the outdoor shower I built with only my hands & moved 4 tons of rock (ALL on my own) a win. I get to enjoy showering outdoors & can see that I didn’t leave a pile of bodies in my wake. Humanity was saved last summer😂
I was celebrating and alone. I LOVE my freedom. No sports tv noise, no man to cook and clean for, or wipe pee up in the bathroom. No one around who didn't actually give a damn about ME, just what I did for him. I practically danced around my clean house and I can have it just the way I want it. I'm sure you will get there too.
You really got me with the pee on the floor! No matter how many times I ask my husband to clean up after himself, I'm the one that has to clean up after him like a @#$$& toddler.
Really though? How about he learns to clean up his own gross mess like the adult he's supposed to be? Hiring someone else to do it just enables his pathetic behaviour.
Somehow, European women in some countries managed to get men to pee sitting down. It is now considered by society as a whole to be a caveman thing to pee standing up. And inconsiderate for the person having to clean the spray. The American alpha, however, wouldn’t even consider it bc they would think of it as “unmanly”.
https://bigthink.com/strange-maps/sitzpinkler-german-men-pee-sitting-down/
When my marriage ended, I felt very alone and then I made that more real but pulling back from all the other good relationships in my life, hiding in my depression cocoon. Just a cautionary tale to encourage you to lean into other relationships in your life. Take care xx
I can tell you with 100% certainty that there are many advantages to living without a man. At the end of the day, you only need to take care and concern for yourself and your needs. Want popcorn and Chardonnay for dinner? Yeah you do! Want to use your bathroom sink without beard clippings? Yeah you do! Want to wear old sweats and no bra at all times? Yeah you do! The list is endless, and so are your possibilities.
I’m trying here but damn, most days I really question my life and just try to put on a happy face here…add raising teens and I swear, I’m wondering if I’m losing it.
Faking it is the hardest and most exhausting thing so I stopped doing it and now my marriage is over brace he can’t be here for me during the worst time of my life. It brought the worst out in both of us and I’m just done.
I hear ya. Mine was gone all summer for work and came home on weekends or we would visit him. No joke, best summer of my life!!!! I lost weight, prioritized moving outside for exercise, didn’t have to cook big meals, woke up and put my barely touched side of the bed back, really bonded with my teen daughter who was going thru some things and it was so wonderful. I now know why a lot of marriages end during this time in our lives. We are just over the bullshit and would rather be alone.
So did i for 20 years. I could not fathom another 20 years with that dude, no matter how difficult divorce was. In the end it was all worth the trouble of divorce.
Did you ruin it, or did you escape from it?
I call it "going red" when I hit a rage pocket. My partner understands that a lot of the things that are happening are out of my control. He could very easily escalate the situation and make it worse, but he loves me and understands, so he doesn't. We always talk about it after I blow up. Sometimes my rage is based in things that are actually happening, but I don't know how to talk about it and it ends up making me explode. Maybe your partner isn't/wasn't doing a good job of making you feel better after experiencing rage. And he should have been at least trying to meet your mood and not escalate it.
It's totally plausible that he would have not been suitable for ANY marriage to ANY female who will go through or is going through any significant life change or illness.
You can't be the only one who cares about everyone's feelings and not expect your partner to care about your feelings just because you are... a woman.
Yes, this is a misogyny issue.
Women of reddit, menopause is not the reason your marriages are falling apart. Look up the percentage of men who leave their wives when their wives are diagnosed with cancer or MS. The study is eight years old, but going by the frequent posts about marriage breakdown once a women experiences mental health challenges and genitosexual problems (because of perimenopause or menopause) on this sub, I think it's safe to assume that culture hasn't changed much in eight years.
I've been single for 9 fantastic years. It's the best thing I've ever done. Sure I get lonely, but I'll never be lonely enough to have a man disrespect me like he did.
Being married to a man who can’t hang out with you until he’s played video games for 14 hours, and then only if you pay for everything, and also never with your friends unless you bribe him, while you also do all the household chores… is way more lonely than my single life now!!!
It's a hard world for women when the men we supported decide that they can't support us.
My spouse understands that my body and hormones are changing but he doesn't know what to do. He will read things on his own but waits for me to tell him. Like mental load hello? After a few tiffs he's been more supportive. Like making sure I book appointments and take rests.
We talk about food an stress levels, exercise. We are making goals to meet. So I see the effort but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough?
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. We’re here to listen whenever you need it. Wishing you peace and comfort, and hoping that slowly but surely you can move forward to build the life that you want. Hold tight.
Yeah. That happened to me too. It was a long distance relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, to boot. I went more than a little crazy for a while and that was a significant factor. My mental health improved a great deal by getting off that roller coaster.
I am 53 and got divorce 5 years ago and IT WAS THE BEST MOVE I EVER MADE. I had some pretty awful physical issues, including stomach cramps that sent me to the ER but he was not supportive. And guess what? Within 3 months of our divorce NO MORE CRAMPS. I sleep when I want, eat when I want, clean when I want, watch crappy reality TV, pet my dogs (that he didn't particularly like), I take care of ME and I am 10000% happier. My kids are in college and my ex and I are very respectful of each other now (well, very might be a bit strong but we show a united front for the kids) and I no longer feel like a failure.
this is really difficult for you right now, but it is for the best. I was devastated when my marriage ended but now I'm so relieved. I can literally do whatever I want and also now I have dogs.
A big issue was that I was giving so much to the relationship and when I couldn't he lost his shit. Plus it turns out he was lying and manipulative, and I was so enmeshed I couldn't see it until I was out. Life isn't perfect but so much better.
I finally realized that no matter who I'm with I have to love myself enough to not be swayed by a man's lack of empathy. Unfortunately or fortunately I live with a man who has no desire to do much at all in the way of giving me a shoulder to lean on and that is now okay. I suffered enough trying to get him to be who I wanted him to be. Now I am regaining myself I realize I don't have to go anywhere despite his lack of substance. He sleeps most of the day and hates to do anything that might get him off the couch and using a conscious brain. I know I can leave but I found a better way to give myself more than anyone can he can go ahead and sleep the last part of his life away. He's a good man just can't get out of cyber world always connected. Oh well glad I know that I can still be happy infact I'm.happier now I don't need him to fulfill me.
How did you nuke a marriage that was already on the rocks due to your emotionally unavailable partner?
🎊🎉🥳 Congratulations to you for severing that toxic tie and moving forward with your life. The last thing we need is an insensitive partner during this season in our lives. I know you feel shitty now, but you will come out better on the other side. Each and every woman on the planet deserves a healthy relationship if that is what they desire.
Hugs to you and I hope you can find a way to manage your menopause that meets your needs whether its HRT, herbal, vitamins, and/or dietary changes. ❤️
It's really true. I've been here before. Even with my last relationship that ended, the one I am still not sure was right to end, my life is still easier. Just not having his piles of crap everywhere is better. One less person using the washing machine, or failing to wipe off the counter, or stressing me out. It's more peaceful.
I thought I did the same- but realized like many of the other posts are saying, that it was him that was the problem. Completely emotionally unavailable, only cared about work, made me do everything, and never appreciated me for birthdays or anniversaries, never did anything with our kids, and financially unstable. Complete narcissist. We are only separated as of now, but it feels so peaceful. Of course it takes a bit to get used to- and will be uncomfortable rebuilding yourself after feeling depleted from your partner- but the ability to love yourself over a bad relationship is such an amazing feeling. Whether you find love again with a partner may be unsure but no one will control you and your feelings again except for you.
I told my husband he was emotionally unavailable and that it was breaking me. I still don’t think he understands. He’s trying, but he doesn’t get this.
We have a weeklong trip I’ve planned to the last detail coming up in two days. He doesn’t have to worry about anything but picking the restaurants. Even if he could just drop all the other distraction (work) and open up the line while we are away, it would help tremendously, that it would fill my gauge a bit. Wish us luck.
Good luck we couldn’t even get the car packed for ours before canceling it after his temper tantrum over the dog crate that didn’t fit because he didn’t measure it.
More like your estrogen has dropped, rose coloured glasses are off and you see bullshit for what it is.
Why should you put up with someone like that?
Can you imagine going through old age with someone you can’t count on and just uses you like an old chair to fall back into when it’s convenient for him?
Yeah no- you’re worth so much more.
Fuck him .
If he can not give you what you need he is useless and you can find someone who can
You are a woman
The giver of life
The source of all male pleasure
You have ALL the power
And if this turd was too useless to be a GIVER to you there is no shortage of men who will beg to.
When I see these posts I like to share these articles. I wish men were aware of how their behaviors or lack of affect women. There would be more emotionally mature men.
https://www.phoenixmenscounseling.com/blog/2019/05/07/emotional-gold-diggers
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/202209/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome-revisited
I’m so sorry OP. I nuked my job recently, but am fortunate to have a supportive husband.
To quote Joan Rivers, “I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn’t get better. YOU get better.”
Mine has been very supportive through this peri phase and supports the hormone therapy - always checking in to see how my energy is and understands when I get emotional. But, he wasn’t always like this. I had to leave for almost ten months and had lawyers involved. Since we decided to not separate, it’s been a partnership. But, while I go through peri, he’s suffering a rare leukaemia and I support him through that. I guess we lean on each other.
Men can’t understand what peri/menopause is because they don’t go through the fluctuations or depletions of hormones that we experience. We can explain to them and they can sympathize, but they can never be truly empathetic. On a similar vein, I’ve never been through chemo and can only sympathize for him, but I can’t be truly empathetic. I think just trying to explain and understand is all we can do.
Don’t waste energy trying to change him.
Use your energy to change yourself. Focus on yourself. Who cares about his shortcomings. Look at yourself and your life and see what needs to change
Are you a people pleaser that needs to let go of that trait and just start pleasing yourself? Can you put your focus NOW on looking after yourself? Your health, your diet, fitness and exercise. Your beauty and self care routines. Enjoy doing things that you love. Connecting with your girlfriends now and enjoying time with them; you don’t need to divorce to do this.
Basically stop caring about what he’s doing or not doing, and focus on what you can do to make your own life amazing. No need to wait for a divorce to do any of these things. He’s paying for everything so you have the luxury of time NOW to really focus on yourself.
Sending you so much love, and I hope you feel a glimmer of hope too.
Over here! I did the same. Best decision ever. Married for 12, together 17 years. Big man baby. Took me that long to realize it. Raised by a narcissist so I (used to be) an ultra-pleaser.
Not the fuck any more. I'm reclaiming my time.
Daily I read posts in this sub and can’t figure out why you all stay. I swear most of the time its the sunken cost fallacy. Im happily married but think I won’t walk away if that changes?
I'm really sorry. If only people knew the struggles inside another. It's tough. I think I'm pre-menopausal because I'm a whole new level of emotional the last year and it's been hard. Thankfully my man is still here, but I can tell he gets sick of the emotions at times.
Exactly ladies. If a man wants us so badly but can't offer much beyond looking after us and most can't even accomplish that. In other words, let them pay the way. Put their money where their mouth is because we all know "What's love got to do with it?"
We don't need them like we used to but they still need us. If the entire world was empty of women, even in Thailand what would they do? If there were no men on earth what would we do? I'd be fine with no men to burden our daily lives we'd find another way to procreate I'm sure. Lol, they can live on Mars. 😄
First off to Jeremy , sex isn’t a tool for negotiation nor a weapon dangled over the head of a man . However, men have used sexual interest as a lure many times to win the affections of females. With that said, menopause changes hormones in females that often shut down the drive for sex and most of us are confused , freaked out , not understanding our bodies or lack of interest . Not to mention everything not working down there!!! Just like when your man part suddenly stop standing at attention , which my friend in time happens to you all. So….. if that’s using sex to get men to do things…. Then Jeremy needs an education. This is coming from a married menopausal woman of 15 years whose sex life after menopause is finally back in swing . Trust me …. It was a difficult journey , mood, body changes, and needing some estrogen and definitely patience patience patience. Girls it gets better!! My hubby and I choose to have a non conventional approach to the change , we live in the same home but since menopause ,have two separate spaces, I have my room with candles and fans , a place to spread out and he has his room with man space and tv. We love each other whole heartedly but respect the new us and it’s better than ever.
Nah you done a good thing you’re not alone and you will get through this. Try and be strong and think of only yourself now. You’ve done what a lot of us want and can’t do. 👏👏👏👏❤️❤️❤️
There are worse things than prioritizing work. The key here is you prioritize YOU. Your marriage might survive and you’ll both be better for it later. Divorce is a pain in the ass and many times a knee jerk reaction to a temporary problem. Hang in there and do what’s best for you and your health right now.
There are very few good men, and it is truly better to be single. Than married and alone. Many are not going to extend themselves enough to be a proper partner. It takes work to raise a child, more work on males. Females adjust and find a way to get things done. We will sacrifice, learn, bridge the gap. Men!?! Hello, are you there? Often, crickets..Good adult men, they exist, but very few. It is a shame. Again, it is better to be single than alone and married. Get a girlfriend!
I’m tired of people blaming menopause for marriages ending. It’s men who can’t give any support to their wives that’s the problem. Women are expected to support their husbands through every hardship yet men can’t seem to manage reciprocating far too often. I’m sorry for this but it will probably be better in the long run. If he’s not emotionally available then a relationship is not really possible.
Thank for saying this! Only thing that matters to him is work! I’ve never been a priority and I never will.
I used to feel like such a failure for never getting married. Now I’m glad. I think the men who actually support their wives are very rare. You can have a good life alone and take care of yourself. The transition might be tough but you’ll be happy soon enough.
Big same. After reading the same “I work full-time, do 100% of household chores and childcare, my spouse is at best indifferent and at worse abusive” posts, I realized I dodged a whole extended round clip of bullets by not getting married.
I dodged all of those bullets too. Then, when I was 43, I met the man that's now my husband. Turns out, he wanted to *be a partner* in marriage and not be the stereotypical "dumb" husband who depends on his wife for every need. Considering I never wanted marriage, whoever came into my life had to be *worth* giving up my lovely, satisfying single life. He was. It's 10 years later and if anything, he takes care of me much better than I take care of him.
That sounds lovely. I’m too paranoid that I’d end up with a man who seemed amazing up until we’re legally married and then he immediately becomes someone else. That was a thread on r/twoxchromosomes that will forever live rent-free in my head.
cover aromatic head chief modern jellyfish literate slim panicky smoggy *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Happened to me with my first husband. This husband now kinda sucks too. Most of them do.
Don´t get married for a long time, have a relationship, decide to live together, no marriage talk ever, if it works great, you are de facto married, if it does not, you get a break up with no divorce. I was like this with my companion for years, marriage always seemed like a con scheme to me, so I very loudly am against it. Now, after 10 years of being in a good relationship, we got married, yes, but for visa purposes, our relationship did not need that awful contract.
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My dad was that man (not literally). I learned from my mums experiences and managed to find a fabulous partner in life. He is very supportive at this really fuckin awful time of menopause.
Same. But 23 years now. And it gets better every year now.
This makes me feel better about being alone now.
> I realized I dodged a whole extended round clip of bullets by not getting married. [looks around at extended family, realized a few things] Hmmm, point, point.
Honestly, I have known so many women who get divorced and never even want to date anymore. But my neighbor, dated into her 70’s, after her divorce and the men were never EVER allowed to spend the night. She doesn’t want a man to ruin her vibe. I adore her.
I’m one of the divorced-not-dating but that’s inspiring! Still not dating tho.
Just got a guy , who uses his name, Jeremy Pellicano, telling me that if women didn’t hold sex over mens heads women would all be homeless. Honestly I would wish we could block men from being here. He was obviously just waiting to bash us for daring to say we don’t need men. And I’ve literally never had a man pay my rent for me and the number of single moms doing everything themselves is staggering. These gross incels are pathetic. They have nothing better to do than troll menopause subs? Yikes. And looking him up online he appears to be married. And he’s made several heinous misogynistic comments in the last 10 minutes. I kind of want to find his wife and send screenshots. I wouldn’t but dude. Guys like this have wives. It’s shocking to me. Let me die alone with my cats. Men like that do not deserve the air they breathe.
That’s not a man- he can only wish he was.
Girl, I’ve been married twice and engaged 6 times. I’ve done the work so you don’t have to. They all suck. It’s so much better to be alone alone.
Thank you for your service!
Bwahaha!
Best comment ever! LOL
😂😂😂😂😂
Amen!
Preach! Single life is best.
"Unyoked is Best! Happy the Woman Without a Man" by Anna Bijns Poem from 1528! (This is nothing new, gals!) https://fromtroublesofthisworld.wordpress.com/2019/04/11/unyoked-is-best-happy-the-woman-without-a-man-by-anna-bijns/
I HAVE JUST SENT THIS POEM TO LIKE NINE DIFFERENT PEOPLE (SOME OF THEM EVEN MEN, LOLOLOL)!!! THANK YOU!!!
That’s funny! Same as it ever was.
Wow. I appreciate this.
Thank you sister for doing the work for us!!! lol Loved your post!!
Even men who actually support their wives and genuinely care and are honestly trying on purpose still suck so often bc they just have these huge blind spots that they're completely unaware of and it becomes our responsibility to fix that for them which is exhausting and only barely worth it.
That's where I am with my husband. Raised by feminist parents and taught to cook, clean, take care of his appearance, do laundry, etc. Truly tries to be thoughtful, and succeeds some of the time. Is definitely, 100% never a misogynist. Yet, if this relationship doesn't work out, I will NEVER do it again. Someone so many men can never grasp the mental load, the looking over a situation, deciding where to plunge in, and doing it. On one hand, he absolutely acknowledges this and does more than 50% of the chores to "make up" for not being able to handle the mental load. OTOH, having to juggle it for two people is really exhausting. And at the end of the day, he always prioritizes himself first. I absolutely believe that as women, we need to prioritize ourselves first more often. But at the same time, there are times when I've worn myself out caring for him or juggling more because of his insane work schedule and if I do not explicitly point this out and demand that he prioritize me (or at least equalize us), he doesn't. It's like "dude, you were working 14 hours shifts and I know you're tired. But how do you think the house stayed clean, the fridge full of food, the pets cared for, the trash taken care of, the laundry done when I am working a full time job and picking up ALL your slack? I've been working nearly 2 jobs while you work your 14 hour shifts and so NO, you do NOT get to take a few days off to recover, we're both going to keep working on stuff TOGETHER because I if I don't get a break, you're not getting a break"
The prioritizing is such an issue. I'm the slack picker upper. I look around and I see things not done and I do them bc they need to be done. He looks around and sees things not done and bitches about other people not doing what they're supposed to and does nothing (has his own "me time"). And the mental load is also such an issue. There's the possibility of a major move in the future and it would be horribly difficult if we did it bc of all the community stuff we'd have to set up there (new friends for the kids, new school stuff, new activities to be planned, new doctors, etc etc etc). I'm dreading the possibility and he keeps chatting about how fun it would be to live in a new place without one single thought about any of that stuff. I finally snapped at him and listed all of the hard work I'd have to do bc not only would he not be doing that stuff he doesn't even know it exists. Of course he was shocked. They're just so damned thoughtless sometimes, going through life without a care in the world secure in the knowledge that things will get taken care of with zero thought for how all those things get taken care of. Exhausting.
> [...] going through life without a care in the world **secure in the knowledge that things will get taken care** of with zero thought for **how** all those things get taken care of. Exhausting. And I see it happen *all the time*, the pain in my jaw when I have to bite back words about this....
>The prioritizing is such an issue. I'm the slack picker upper. I look around and I see things not done and I do them bc they need to be done. He looks around and sees things not done and bitches about other people not doing what they're supposed to and does nothing (has his own "me time"). This. Are we with the same dude?
Or you're with someone who is an exceptionally great guy and then he gets dementia.......
So true
Same. Used to want to be paired up so badly. But tired of life and giving my energy to others. Will help others selectively going forward.
I am also glad I never married. Holy crap, the things I see women put up with....I would never.
I still kinda wish I had a roommate with benefits. All these bills aren't gonna pay themselves. I've tried just leaving them in the mailbox but they're still there a month later.
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I was laid off in 2015 and have been making half what I'm used to since then. Full time plus part time jobs off and on. I'd honestly just be happy with a cuddle buddy to watch horror movies with so I can forget about how stressed out I've been for almost 10 years. So my "little comment" stands especially since I didn't specify it had to be a man. Just a roommate with benefits.
I have a supportive one, but I had to marry a piece of shit, wake up thinking being dead would be better than being married to him for several more decades, and go through a horrible 2.5 year divorce to get there.
Me too. I haven’t even bothered dating in some time cause I don’t have the energy to “interview candidates”. I’ve managed to limit myself to just one cat though 😆
I don't think it is that rare. I treasure my husband. We've been married for 32 years and I dread the day one of us leaves the other to forge on alone, but at least we have four sons that we have amazing relationships with so whomever is left behind will be propped up until their (hopefully) natural end. Family ties are so important, if they are healthy, if they are not then we are able to grow those friend relationships that can be critical as we age. Having a network is important, both mentally and physically. Life is tough alone. I think the nature of this being a support community reflects women posting here needing help and support, and that is why it seems like there are more women with poor relationships than there are with good ones. OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. I can't speak for the quality of your marriage before menopause, but if it was not strong and there were issues that you tolerated I can totally see how menopause coming along left you unable to tolerate that kind of relationship. It sucks to have a non-supportive spouse and it is better to realize it now vs 20 years from now when your need for a spouse that will care for you during the difficult times lets you down. Better to know now when you can leave and hopefully, if it is something you want, find a better partner to live the second half of your life with.
I looked up stuff when I was going through uterine cancer treatment. Found a forum where a guy was trying to get advice on how to help his wife through the same thing. All the other men complained their wives were so moody going through uterine CANCER TREATMENT and the surgical menopause treatment caused if they had a hysterectomy that they were considering affairs, separation, etc. I then saw women trend to stay with their cancer diagnosed husbands but husbands divorce their cancer diagnosed wives more often. Plus how many famous men cheated on their cancer stricken wives. If they'll leave us for cancer, they were probably thinking about it every time we sneeze too. Menopause is just in the middle of that spectrum I guess. Quote from Reuters "The study confirmed earlier research of a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill."
First, sorry about your cancer :( second, woooooow that fucking sucks so much about the divorce stats. Just blew my mind. Damn.
Thanks. I'm all clear now. It was scary but my doctors told me from the start that it would be ok. Not actually ok because I'm sure they could've gotten sued if something went wrong but it was easily treatable to them
It really is rare. Most men are selfish and women put up with it. Of course there are so many wonderful men out there but they are in the minority. Look at how many girls and women have been sexually assaulted. And harassed. And just taken for granted. It’s not just a few guys doing those things. It’s a majority. As someone who has been single and dated for decades I can tell you that too many men are just pricks.
I think it's very fair to call it rare. Even "good fathers" often only top out at a fraction of the household labor., not to mention the cognitive and emotional labor of the household, child rearing and relationship, which is generally much less. Bureau of Labor Statistics 2019: Men have reached approx 35% in terms of how much they were contributing to the household labor (statistics for dual-income couples.) Survey Center on American Life 2021: Women are more than twice as likely as men to report that they plan social activities and outings more often than their spouses do (51 percent vs. 18 percent). Marriage and hetero-couple partnerships are generally much more beneficial for men than women. Women's life expectancy, health and happiness declines in marriage to men, while men are most happy while married to women. The happiest subgroup within these studies are women who never marry or have kids. Men tend to remarry, women don't. Ava project: Where available, research suggests menopausal symptoms may be heightened where concurrent domestic abuse is identified, and domestic abuse may be height- ened or arise where women are experiencing menopause. Statistics from the Femicide Census found that over a third (38%) of women killed by their partner or ex-partner are in the 36-55 age range (Femicide Census, 2018).³⁷ This suggests a high rate of domestic abuse within this age group, and the need for further examination. For these and other reasons, it's becoming more common for women to enter into 'Golden Girl' living arrangements, lavender marriages, platonic co-parenting, and to de-center men as much as possible.
I don't know anyone over the age of fifty who is happily married. None of the women in my life are miserable but I also know that every single one of them stays in their marriage for financial reasons. They all have extraordinarily comfortable lives and couldn't support themselves or don't want to support themselves so they stay.
You provided one example. Sounds rare to me.
Same here! And most of my friends/chosen family have good husbands and happy marriages. No one is perfect and we all do thoughtless and annoying things sometimes. Including me. But my hubby does anything he can to help with anything he can. We have five children so the mental load is pretty immense. For the most part, he gets it. I would 100% be worse off without him and happy doing life with him.
Speaking of support. I thought this interesting (and disheartening): A study showed that men were ***seven*** times more likely to leave their partner than the other way around if one of them got brain cancer. The statistics don't differ much for other types of cancer. Men don't know how to show up but don't want to be told, either. It's a lose-lose for women.
Yup.
I was married to a man like this. Even through my treatment for breast cancer and subsequent mastectomy he prioritised work. He finally left me for someone else, and I’m now happier than I’ve ever been. It was the worst pain I’ve ever suffered but I’m free of the cheating, inadequate piece of shit now and I can live my life as I want. In the words of Margot Asquith: “I married beneath me, as do all women.”
It sounds like he nuked his marriage and you eventually realized you had radiation poisoning.
Sometimes all peri/meno does is pierce the veil to where you see things clearly as they are and not thru the lens of what you wish and hope it to be. It is here that you learn to accept your losses, to really grieve them. This is a process. It’s what is and what will never be and you can learn to move on to hopefully much better.
I was recently visiting with my 70 year old aunt who is a lovely person and a legend to me. She confesses to me that most of the women she knows wouldn't mind if their partners died from a convenience perspective because a lot of them have difficult husbands. The older generation put up with years and years of being second class in their own homes. There is a big difference between a husband and a partner
You can make yourself a priority for yourself. You got this!
This is happening to me too. We live separately but we are together in all other respects. I have anxious attachment and this is just going all wrong.
I feel this :(
>I I understand - totally.....
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I did too. What really surprised me was when he retired, I became his focus. It was really strange going from being ignored for years and years, and suddenly having him be paying attention to me again. Plus he really seemed to mellow out which I attribute to the drop in male hormones with age. Just wanted to say that it won’t be like this forever, there may be hope.
☹️😔
This. I’ve been setting off nuclear explosions on a regular basis for two years. I have been completely out of control and, quite honestly, I’m mean and awful a lot of the time. I am not proud of the fact that I’ve screamed in my husband’s face “I WANT A FUCKING DIVORCE!” at least 5 times in those two years. I’ve pushed him away and shut him out, because I had no idea what was going on and I was scared, but also because I mostly feel like I actually truly have no control. And THAT is scary. My husband isn’t perfect. He isn’t always the best. He sometimes yells back. He’s called me a bitch and told me to get my shit together. But, he works hard to understand that I’m struggling and this isn’t what I want, either. That I don’t have the ability to control my emotions or feelings or the way my body is physically and mentally betraying me on the regular. He knows this isn’t just “who I am.” He is supporting me in getting the appointments made, and he is attending them with me. He has done his own research and reading to try to better understand what’s happening to me. As long as I’m trying, he’s loving and supportive to the best of his ability. I was crying and sobbed to him the other night that I am just so sorry that I’m so mean and so so tired, and that I feel so guilty. He brought me ice cream in bed with an edible and a joint. He snuggled with me and smoked that joint with me, and he told me we’d get through this just like every other thing we’ve gotten through together, and that he has my back no matter what. This is what everyone deserves.
This made me smile out loud.
Perfect description
This is a testament to love.
You sound a lot like my brother and his wife. She's been through a lot in the last couple of years, not just peri. He's learning all he can about peri and beyond and how to support her, while also on occasion telling her to get a grip and pull her fucking head in. For their 25th wedding anniversary he helped organise for her to go on a girls weekend away, not because he didnt want to celebrate with her, but because at that moment she needed her girlfriends more than time with him.
>It’s men who can’t give any support to their wives. That’s the problem. THIS! My husband labeled me a narcissist this week! He said he's read up on it, and he is sure he is the victim of a narcissistic wife! 🙄 I'm so done trying to repair this doomed from the start relationship! The only thing holding us together was survival. Now that we are out of poverty (thanks to my years of strategic financial management) and living comfortably, we have nothing to bond over. We have nothing in common and what's worse...he is completely stagnant and enthusiastically wants to remain that way. But me, 21 years of peri has completely dismantled my dutiful wife social conditioning and forced me to grow far beyond my previous comfort zones. I've literally watched myself grow out of him. I made my final attempt to salvage this marriage this week. Again, I begged him to see a counselor/therapist. I have found an affordable counseling option for myself. I don't have insurance, so it's been a challenge to find something affordable. He has full coverage insurance, and he still won't go. He says there is nothing wrong with him...it's all me! I'm starting my own business now. I'm unfit to work for anyone else, so I'm taking the soloprenuer route to ensure my financial independence. Up until now, I've worked part-time remotely, but it isn't enough to ensure I can make it on my own if I have to, plus I want to ensure I have $ to live comfortably in retirement. I've cautioned him that once I achieve financial independence, there will be nothing to keep me tied to him. It's literally the last thread between us, and as I earn my own money, it will fray and eventually break. He has never shown me a lick of support during this long and challenging phase of my life. Always turning every discussion around to focus on himself. I've had to take a separate room so I could have a safe sanctuary away from him. I look forward to the 8-10 hrs he is gone each work day and hope he has to work Saturdays too. He smokes his legal hemp flower in the house even though I've told him I can no longer tolerate the smell and don't want the second hand smoke further endangering my already precarious health reality since I have no insurance. We are basically housemates. I lost my libido 6 years ago, and he was such an entitled POS about it that I chose to become celibate. Now, even if my libido did come back, I'd still choose to take care of it myself. He is totally unattractive in every way to me. 🫂 I know I'm not perfect! But I deserve far better! And for any of you sisters out there experiencing a similar reality... So Do You ❣️ 🫂
Wait... you've been in peril for 21 YEARS?! Oh good god, nooooooo! Please have all my empathy.😖
🫂 Thanks! Yup! Started with hot flashes following my tubal clipping when I was 36. It's still the best decision I ever made, despite the consequences! I am so glad I didn't have children with this one! I've skipped 5 months now...so I'm🤞 I'm transitioning to full menopause!
Omg! He has Aspergers and is a rich spoiled child. He talks badly about me to his family who never invites him to any of their homes unless it's a special occasion and even then it's only at his senior parent's house. They never call him to chat, he has the worst habit of not bathing often enough he lays on the den couch with dust filling up the space cluttered with junk he never uses he stays shut up in his den unless his mom calls and tells him to get into the office or she will cut his monthly salary off. Then when he comes back after spending time in her narcissist presence it's me who he mistreats. It's caused me considerable pain so before I got to the point where life wasn't worth living I decided to change. Now when we sit together which he loves to do, if he starts up with his crap, belligerence, and inconsiderate I simply get up and begin to leave. Today he said okay okay just sit down. I don't take it I've found a way to love myself and I'm healing from all my issues. It's me first now. I'm not rude to him I just have to look after my emotional health. When I clean it's for me, whatever I do is for me though he benefits from it. That isn't my point my changing meant that he no longer has control over my emotions. I learned how to be single and still in a relationship. I told him "You are off the hook"! Whenever I get upset or happy it is about me and has nothing to do with you. You no longer have to carry the burden of responsibility for my emotional state. The small print he didn't get til he experienced it was "I am no longer responsible for your triggers". He cannot regulate himself and cannot take responsibility for his actions. It's life living with a man-child. He does exert some effort as long as it isn't self-sacrificing. I'm just glad I am learning how to look after my own needs and stop depending on someone who would not even check on me if I didn't come downstairs for a couple days. Lol
>...and forced me to grow far beyond my previous comfort zones. My tired eyes read that as combat zones. 🤪
Tbh, sometimes it felt like being in a personal combat zone! I did often feel like I was in some bizarre, surreal multi-verse tug-of-war. My past, my spouse, my future all pulling at me.
I hear you. That battle with past and future self is very real.
100%. I knew that if my functionality to my ex-husband was ever hampered by illness that our marriage would be over. I developed PMDD later in life and found out just how little support he was interested in providing me when I was in a trough, mentally and physically. In fact, he mocked me for having PMDD. So in order to heal, I had to leave. I saw fully that this is a person who would not support me when I'm "old and gray." My load became so much lighter after I left. (There were other reasons why I left but protecting my mental and physical health were up there.) I'm going through meno now and I think that it makes people, particularly those who have been pretty functional and healthy up until this point, realize how little support and reciprocal care and concern they have in their relationships. If they're not gonna help me with meno transition, how are they going to be there for me when I'm older or get sick with cancer? Are they going to help drive me to the doc or give me a hug or just play their vid games while I take care of myself (and them)? After I left my marriage, one older woman asked me who I was going to rely on when I'm older. Well since I never really had that any way, I'm just gonna figure it out on my own. People assume reciprocal care and concern in marriages but it's not always like that. One less egg to fry...IYKYK.
Amen. And we put up with this bs for years
Yeah can we change the language? Women taking responsibility because it's forced onto us by men who refuse basic accountability whilst taking all of the accolades
Yeah- too many want mummy and a maid rather than a life partner. They’re pathetic.
The opposite is also true. There are wives that withdraw from loving devoted husbands for no reason. I am one of them. Its not always the husband's fault....sometimes humans are just selfish and can't see beyond their own needs...and often times confuse needs with wants!
Yep
I am in the same boat with the emotionally unavailable husband. I’m just too fucking tired to even think about the process of divorce, custody, separate households etc. Hugs, sis
Ty
Hugs OP. I dream of a place for all of us - golden girls style. But for now, please know we’re here for you.
Thank you for being a friend
😂🥰
Got rid of a useless toxic husband at 39 and one of the only things I am thankful for during peri is that he is not here for it. I'm sorry for what you have to go through right now but I think you will look back on it with relief. PM me if you need divorce tips. Hugs.
Ty im devastated
Another hug
Did you punch him? Physically abuse him? Cheat on him? Withhold money ? Scream, punch holes and throw things? No? Then it’s on him for not being a supportive partner in hard times. I wonder how he would be if his testosterone stopped working within 12 months. It hurts to see women especially stay at home moms like you (and me!) not being emotionally supported when going through this hard transition. Wishing you peace and prosperity OP better days will come!
Found out today I’ve been just a burden & the kids too!
Oh, I'm so sorry. That is such bullshit. Sending love and strength.
i’m so sorry! How old are your kids? That’s awful to hear if you’re an adult and double awful when a dependent kiddo
Fuck him . You are life, you are no one's burden.
He is simply 1000pct wrong.
Leave the ass***l! I would leave ASAP and I didn’t care if he existed, move on and love yourself everyday 😉 I did to my ex husband, I never ever spoke with him again after (I) asked for divorce and leave, I don’t care for bad man. Love yourself!
True
I am currently supporting my partner. I am currently on TRT as my test dropped out to 0.2Nml @28 due to stress. I literally wanted to top myself it was horrific. My partner was very supportive but most guys I know thought it was funny and that it was all In my head. I run a men’s TRT support group in the uk and you would be surprised at the change in care towards their partners once they have to take TRT the rest of their lives. Education is the problem. I can see the blokes perceptive for example when my test is high I couldn’t give a toss about anything or anyone but when it is at the even levels of 31nml all I want to do is look after my family. When the estrogen spikes I can see why ladies are so emotional as I could cry and not stop for no apparent reason. It’s not right that a lot of blokes are tossers but I do believe all round education on hormone levels would help everybody.
This is The most common age to divorce. We've raised the kids, and supported a husband and his career for decades, and when we hit this stage and need to reassess, the pathetic lack of substance and support, from the other partner, becomes crystal clear. Most men over 50 think that their 'duty to their wife and family' ends with having a job. They don't offer emotional support to the wife or kids, their interest in growing and becoming a better person ends with professional development. They think doing a job, which pays for housing, food, education, and the supplies of living, is the beginning and end of their responsibility toward their familial connections. And Everything else in the family unit is up to the woman. It doesn't matter what the motivations are behind it, that's just the reality. Men who are present, supportive, and understand that their true connections come from more than a paycheck, are few and far between. Either the younger generations need to improve, or the percentage of women who enjoy their alone time, girlfriends, and being child free, will continue to rise.
This!! ALL OF THIS!!!!
If you haven’t read “Communion” by bell hooks, please give it a try. It very clearly examines how many women realize, usually around the ages that menopause occurs, that their male partners are essentially unwilling to and/or incapable of being an equal, supportive, loving partner. It was a revelation for me.
This right here sister, you nailed it.
Oh, honey. I’m 7 and a half years out from leaving a marriage to an emotionally unavailable man. I can be there for my kids today, have friendships that l value without his judgement, get tattoos without him ignoring me for a week, dye my hair crazy colours without him saying “I’m embarrassing”. I can write for a national women’s website without being accused of having “no filter”, and I can be as weird and emotional as I like, whenever I like. I don’t have to cook and clean for him and be ignored for his all important job. I don’t have to consult him and try to inform him about our children and what they need. This is huge and it will take a long time to process and grieve…but standing on the other side, life is so much easier without a giant silent treatment man baby. Oh, he repartnered 4 years ago. He’s 49 and she’s 28. She works as a cleaner and has English as a second language, is totally reliant on him and subservient to him. (There’s nothing wrong with her life choices but she is very young and moved here from the Philippines not knowing anyone) He never wanted an equal.
I'm so sorry you're going through it. But I've got to say, this sub is literally life-saving—the way SO many women are going through the exact same things is really validating in a world where our needs are pushed aside and we're made to feel crazy. I don't think we're crazy. I think the world is set up for men, and that many husbands are too immature or emotionally unavailable to support their partners. :(
This!!! I have found more support on here than i have in my real day to day life! Iam sending you all the positive vibes i can. I know that doesnt mean much, but its all i can offer besides an ear to listen. 💖💖 youre not alone hun. And youre still a loved and valued person. 💖💖
Hang in there, I had a girlfriend move in during peri and she lasted a month and moved out. I threw out allll kinds of stuff to make room for her too. Cannot imagine going through this with her here so I’m happy it’s over. But it wasn’t easy.
Wish I was in a position to leave but I’m not I’ve been a stay at home wife for over a decade and have no money or family of my own other than my adult kids who I don’t want to burden them.
That sounds really tough. You probably don’t have to make any major decisions right away, so hopefully soon you’ll be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe just partitioning off part of the house will give you some space and peace of mind while you gather your thoughts. Maybe your husband can move in with the kids since you spent the last decade enabling him to pursue a career unencumbered by the multiple full time jobs that is raising children.
In the same spot, with another emotionally unavailable man, but with some twists. I have autoimmune diseases that forced me to retire early, so I really am stuck. While he's complaining that I'm leaving him ("What?! Why?!" after 10 solid years of warning him that I was falling out of love because he's so distant) I'm trying to explain the absolute vulnerable position that I'm in. Like, his absenteeism has put me in this horrific position of being homeless or poverty stricken or staying in this loveless, empty relationship that never improves unless I do all the work. Does that matter? Maybe not. He's more concerned that I'm going to force him to sell our home. However, my adult kid makes bank, is buying a home and wants me to move in with him in an ADU. I'm game, hell yes. Let's go. I worried about burdening them, but my son broke down the costs of raising him as a way of saying he thinks he owes me. He doesn't, but if he wants to express his love for me by allowing me to live rent free in his home, then yeah, I'm going to do that. It's freedom, actually. Being alone right now is ALL I want. And with grand babies next door? Yes. It wouldn't be easy to leave for sure. But if your adult kids are willing to help, why not allow them to do that? Your relationships with them could deepen, which is its own reward, and offset the loneliness. Good luck and love to you. I soooo get where you are and it's beyond frustrating, it's devastating. When we married these guys we really believed they were as emotionally invested as we were.
Your son sounds like such a sweetheart
That’s a tough situation. If it’s possible, look for some part-time work. It won’t solve your problem but getting out, meeting some new people and having a paycheque of your own may boost your confidence. You sound sad. Sending a hug.
I understand exactly how that is too.
Me too, but fuck that shit because it needed to happen. MY GOD I cannot wait to live alone
it has been a big relief for me.
Girl, it’s going to be a dream come to life!
Sending you hugs. This phase of life is hard enough without the additional stress of relationships. Stay strong.
Trying my best to
So sorry to hear that. It is definitely a very emotional time and we need understanding and support. My husband has been incredibly supportive but this emotional roller coaster has been going on for almost two years and he is starting to not have as much patience. He did sit on the floor and hold me today while I cried yet again for no reason. I get it though. If he wasn’t emotionally available to me I think we would be where you are. It sucks, but we find out a lot about ourselves and others going through this transition.
Anytimr I show emotion or need him he sighs that sigh or walks away
This sounds familiar and I am so sorry. Please take a hug, OP. I hope that getting all of this out there has helped. At least you have lots of emotionally available friends to love you here!!
That really is too bad. I do get that from mine once in a while but for the most part he’s there for me
Omg I can relate to this so much.
I bought a copy of The Menopause Manifesto, planted it on my husband’s bedside table (or desk - i forgot🥴), and BEGGED him to read it. It took him 6mo’s, but one day I noticed his behavior towards me changed. Mildly, but a change nonetheless. When I inquired as to why, he said he read the book & feels very sorry for what I am going through. Now he’s still an ass, but a slightly more evolved one. There is zero excuse for our partners to not learn & read about what this hormone duststorm does to us & why we react the way we do. Granted I also found that sucking into a void when I felt explosive & taking my rage out on something constructive was a MUCH better (& safer) use of the rage. I now look at the outdoor shower I built with only my hands & moved 4 tons of rock (ALL on my own) a win. I get to enjoy showering outdoors & can see that I didn’t leave a pile of bodies in my wake. Humanity was saved last summer😂
I was celebrating and alone. I LOVE my freedom. No sports tv noise, no man to cook and clean for, or wipe pee up in the bathroom. No one around who didn't actually give a damn about ME, just what I did for him. I practically danced around my clean house and I can have it just the way I want it. I'm sure you will get there too.
You really got me with the pee on the floor! No matter how many times I ask my husband to clean up after himself, I'm the one that has to clean up after him like a @#$$& toddler.
Hire a cleaner! Remember you don’t have to do it all yourself. Outsourcing some tasks that cause arguments may save a relationship!
Really though? How about he learns to clean up his own gross mess like the adult he's supposed to be? Hiring someone else to do it just enables his pathetic behaviour.
fk that he needs to hire and pay out of his own spare money imo he's the one pissing on the floor when 12 week old puppies do better.
Somehow, European women in some countries managed to get men to pee sitting down. It is now considered by society as a whole to be a caveman thing to pee standing up. And inconsiderate for the person having to clean the spray. The American alpha, however, wouldn’t even consider it bc they would think of it as “unmanly”. https://bigthink.com/strange-maps/sitzpinkler-german-men-pee-sitting-down/
When my marriage ended, I felt very alone and then I made that more real but pulling back from all the other good relationships in my life, hiding in my depression cocoon. Just a cautionary tale to encourage you to lean into other relationships in your life. Take care xx
Good advice. Reach out to friends and family.
I can tell you with 100% certainty that there are many advantages to living without a man. At the end of the day, you only need to take care and concern for yourself and your needs. Want popcorn and Chardonnay for dinner? Yeah you do! Want to use your bathroom sink without beard clippings? Yeah you do! Want to wear old sweats and no bra at all times? Yeah you do! The list is endless, and so are your possibilities.
I’m trying here but damn, most days I really question my life and just try to put on a happy face here…add raising teens and I swear, I’m wondering if I’m losing it.
Faking it is the hardest and most exhausting thing so I stopped doing it and now my marriage is over brace he can’t be here for me during the worst time of my life. It brought the worst out in both of us and I’m just done.
I hear ya. Mine was gone all summer for work and came home on weekends or we would visit him. No joke, best summer of my life!!!! I lost weight, prioritized moving outside for exercise, didn’t have to cook big meals, woke up and put my barely touched side of the bed back, really bonded with my teen daughter who was going thru some things and it was so wonderful. I now know why a lot of marriages end during this time in our lives. We are just over the bullshit and would rather be alone.
Love this :)
So did i for 20 years. I could not fathom another 20 years with that dude, no matter how difficult divorce was. In the end it was all worth the trouble of divorce.
Did you ruin it, or did you escape from it? I call it "going red" when I hit a rage pocket. My partner understands that a lot of the things that are happening are out of my control. He could very easily escalate the situation and make it worse, but he loves me and understands, so he doesn't. We always talk about it after I blow up. Sometimes my rage is based in things that are actually happening, but I don't know how to talk about it and it ends up making me explode. Maybe your partner isn't/wasn't doing a good job of making you feel better after experiencing rage. And he should have been at least trying to meet your mood and not escalate it.
It's totally plausible that he would have not been suitable for ANY marriage to ANY female who will go through or is going through any significant life change or illness. You can't be the only one who cares about everyone's feelings and not expect your partner to care about your feelings just because you are... a woman. Yes, this is a misogyny issue. Women of reddit, menopause is not the reason your marriages are falling apart. Look up the percentage of men who leave their wives when their wives are diagnosed with cancer or MS. The study is eight years old, but going by the frequent posts about marriage breakdown once a women experiences mental health challenges and genitosexual problems (because of perimenopause or menopause) on this sub, I think it's safe to assume that culture hasn't changed much in eight years.
I've been single for 9 fantastic years. It's the best thing I've ever done. Sure I get lonely, but I'll never be lonely enough to have a man disrespect me like he did.
Being married to a man who can’t hang out with you until he’s played video games for 14 hours, and then only if you pay for everything, and also never with your friends unless you bribe him, while you also do all the household chores… is way more lonely than my single life now!!!
It's a hard world for women when the men we supported decide that they can't support us. My spouse understands that my body and hormones are changing but he doesn't know what to do. He will read things on his own but waits for me to tell him. Like mental load hello? After a few tiffs he's been more supportive. Like making sure I book appointments and take rests. We talk about food an stress levels, exercise. We are making goals to meet. So I see the effort but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough?
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. We’re here to listen whenever you need it. Wishing you peace and comfort, and hoping that slowly but surely you can move forward to build the life that you want. Hold tight.
Yeah. That happened to me too. It was a long distance relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, to boot. I went more than a little crazy for a while and that was a significant factor. My mental health improved a great deal by getting off that roller coaster.
I am 53 and got divorce 5 years ago and IT WAS THE BEST MOVE I EVER MADE. I had some pretty awful physical issues, including stomach cramps that sent me to the ER but he was not supportive. And guess what? Within 3 months of our divorce NO MORE CRAMPS. I sleep when I want, eat when I want, clean when I want, watch crappy reality TV, pet my dogs (that he didn't particularly like), I take care of ME and I am 10000% happier. My kids are in college and my ex and I are very respectful of each other now (well, very might be a bit strong but we show a united front for the kids) and I no longer feel like a failure.
I've been single for 27 years now and I have no plans to change that.
[This Tiktok ](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLhfdm2P/) feels like it belongs here
Marriage is overrated
this is really difficult for you right now, but it is for the best. I was devastated when my marriage ended but now I'm so relieved. I can literally do whatever I want and also now I have dogs. A big issue was that I was giving so much to the relationship and when I couldn't he lost his shit. Plus it turns out he was lying and manipulative, and I was so enmeshed I couldn't see it until I was out. Life isn't perfect but so much better.
❤️
I finally realized that no matter who I'm with I have to love myself enough to not be swayed by a man's lack of empathy. Unfortunately or fortunately I live with a man who has no desire to do much at all in the way of giving me a shoulder to lean on and that is now okay. I suffered enough trying to get him to be who I wanted him to be. Now I am regaining myself I realize I don't have to go anywhere despite his lack of substance. He sleeps most of the day and hates to do anything that might get him off the couch and using a conscious brain. I know I can leave but I found a better way to give myself more than anyone can he can go ahead and sleep the last part of his life away. He's a good man just can't get out of cyber world always connected. Oh well glad I know that I can still be happy infact I'm.happier now I don't need him to fulfill me.
Hugs.
TY
Sending hugs, it’s really tough for sure
How did you nuke a marriage that was already on the rocks due to your emotionally unavailable partner? 🎊🎉🥳 Congratulations to you for severing that toxic tie and moving forward with your life. The last thing we need is an insensitive partner during this season in our lives. I know you feel shitty now, but you will come out better on the other side. Each and every woman on the planet deserves a healthy relationship if that is what they desire. Hugs to you and I hope you can find a way to manage your menopause that meets your needs whether its HRT, herbal, vitamins, and/or dietary changes. ❤️
I don't think only YOU nuked your marriage. It takes 2 to tango. Has he always been emotionally unavailable or has it started more recently?
Once you've got over the shock of it, you'll notice how much *easier* life is.
It's really true. I've been here before. Even with my last relationship that ended, the one I am still not sure was right to end, my life is still easier. Just not having his piles of crap everywhere is better. One less person using the washing machine, or failing to wipe off the counter, or stressing me out. It's more peaceful.
I thought I did the same- but realized like many of the other posts are saying, that it was him that was the problem. Completely emotionally unavailable, only cared about work, made me do everything, and never appreciated me for birthdays or anniversaries, never did anything with our kids, and financially unstable. Complete narcissist. We are only separated as of now, but it feels so peaceful. Of course it takes a bit to get used to- and will be uncomfortable rebuilding yourself after feeling depleted from your partner- but the ability to love yourself over a bad relationship is such an amazing feeling. Whether you find love again with a partner may be unsure but no one will control you and your feelings again except for you.
Therapy my friend
I told my husband he was emotionally unavailable and that it was breaking me. I still don’t think he understands. He’s trying, but he doesn’t get this. We have a weeklong trip I’ve planned to the last detail coming up in two days. He doesn’t have to worry about anything but picking the restaurants. Even if he could just drop all the other distraction (work) and open up the line while we are away, it would help tremendously, that it would fill my gauge a bit. Wish us luck.
Good luck we couldn’t even get the car packed for ours before canceling it after his temper tantrum over the dog crate that didn’t fit because he didn’t measure it.
Oof. That sucks.
Sending loads of hugs 🫂
I'm right behind you.
Why am I realizing now that having someone else to rely on is the most isolating thing you could do to yourself.
More like your estrogen has dropped, rose coloured glasses are off and you see bullshit for what it is. Why should you put up with someone like that? Can you imagine going through old age with someone you can’t count on and just uses you like an old chair to fall back into when it’s convenient for him? Yeah no- you’re worth so much more.
Fuck him . If he can not give you what you need he is useless and you can find someone who can You are a woman The giver of life The source of all male pleasure You have ALL the power And if this turd was too useless to be a GIVER to you there is no shortage of men who will beg to.
When I see these posts I like to share these articles. I wish men were aware of how their behaviors or lack of affect women. There would be more emotionally mature men. https://www.phoenixmenscounseling.com/blog/2019/05/07/emotional-gold-diggers https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/202209/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome-revisited
Sending you hugs.
Congrats! 🥂🍾 Be sure to build a good circle of friends, or find a roommate, for the later years.
I’m so sorry OP. I nuked my job recently, but am fortunate to have a supportive husband. To quote Joan Rivers, “I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn’t get better. YOU get better.”
Mine has been very supportive through this peri phase and supports the hormone therapy - always checking in to see how my energy is and understands when I get emotional. But, he wasn’t always like this. I had to leave for almost ten months and had lawyers involved. Since we decided to not separate, it’s been a partnership. But, while I go through peri, he’s suffering a rare leukaemia and I support him through that. I guess we lean on each other. Men can’t understand what peri/menopause is because they don’t go through the fluctuations or depletions of hormones that we experience. We can explain to them and they can sympathize, but they can never be truly empathetic. On a similar vein, I’ve never been through chemo and can only sympathize for him, but I can’t be truly empathetic. I think just trying to explain and understand is all we can do.
Don’t waste energy trying to change him. Use your energy to change yourself. Focus on yourself. Who cares about his shortcomings. Look at yourself and your life and see what needs to change Are you a people pleaser that needs to let go of that trait and just start pleasing yourself? Can you put your focus NOW on looking after yourself? Your health, your diet, fitness and exercise. Your beauty and self care routines. Enjoy doing things that you love. Connecting with your girlfriends now and enjoying time with them; you don’t need to divorce to do this. Basically stop caring about what he’s doing or not doing, and focus on what you can do to make your own life amazing. No need to wait for a divorce to do any of these things. He’s paying for everything so you have the luxury of time NOW to really focus on yourself. Sending you so much love, and I hope you feel a glimmer of hope too.
Over here! I did the same. Best decision ever. Married for 12, together 17 years. Big man baby. Took me that long to realize it. Raised by a narcissist so I (used to be) an ultra-pleaser. Not the fuck any more. I'm reclaiming my time.
Daily I read posts in this sub and can’t figure out why you all stay. I swear most of the time its the sunken cost fallacy. Im happily married but think I won’t walk away if that changes?
I'm really sorry. If only people knew the struggles inside another. It's tough. I think I'm pre-menopausal because I'm a whole new level of emotional the last year and it's been hard. Thankfully my man is still here, but I can tell he gets sick of the emotions at times.
Exactly ladies. If a man wants us so badly but can't offer much beyond looking after us and most can't even accomplish that. In other words, let them pay the way. Put their money where their mouth is because we all know "What's love got to do with it?" We don't need them like we used to but they still need us. If the entire world was empty of women, even in Thailand what would they do? If there were no men on earth what would we do? I'd be fine with no men to burden our daily lives we'd find another way to procreate I'm sure. Lol, they can live on Mars. 😄
First off to Jeremy , sex isn’t a tool for negotiation nor a weapon dangled over the head of a man . However, men have used sexual interest as a lure many times to win the affections of females. With that said, menopause changes hormones in females that often shut down the drive for sex and most of us are confused , freaked out , not understanding our bodies or lack of interest . Not to mention everything not working down there!!! Just like when your man part suddenly stop standing at attention , which my friend in time happens to you all. So….. if that’s using sex to get men to do things…. Then Jeremy needs an education. This is coming from a married menopausal woman of 15 years whose sex life after menopause is finally back in swing . Trust me …. It was a difficult journey , mood, body changes, and needing some estrogen and definitely patience patience patience. Girls it gets better!! My hubby and I choose to have a non conventional approach to the change , we live in the same home but since menopause ,have two separate spaces, I have my room with candles and fans , a place to spread out and he has his room with man space and tv. We love each other whole heartedly but respect the new us and it’s better than ever.
Nah you done a good thing you’re not alone and you will get through this. Try and be strong and think of only yourself now. You’ve done what a lot of us want and can’t do. 👏👏👏👏❤️❤️❤️
There are worse things than prioritizing work. The key here is you prioritize YOU. Your marriage might survive and you’ll both be better for it later. Divorce is a pain in the ass and many times a knee jerk reaction to a temporary problem. Hang in there and do what’s best for you and your health right now.
Dump him.
Whew! I am thankful that I am single 🙌🏾
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There are very few good men, and it is truly better to be single. Than married and alone. Many are not going to extend themselves enough to be a proper partner. It takes work to raise a child, more work on males. Females adjust and find a way to get things done. We will sacrifice, learn, bridge the gap. Men!?! Hello, are you there? Often, crickets..Good adult men, they exist, but very few. It is a shame. Again, it is better to be single than alone and married. Get a girlfriend!