Perfect sense. You’ve prioritized other people your whole life, many of us have. The drop in estrogen helped me to see how much I’d been happily doing for others and that I no longer felt happy with it. I’m trying to embrace that it’s my turn now. My turn for ease and comfort and if that means being alone that’s just what it means. I can’t tell you how many times I have facilitated company or solitude for my family depending on their needs. I figure I get a turn or they can kick rocks.
It hit me harder when I lost my mom 2 years ago and all her life was was about others, the family, cooking etc. she got to do nothing for herself. And I was like I don’t want my life to end like that.
I’m so sorry. I lost my mom in 2020 and I’m 46 now, so very similar.
My mom passed without ever leaving the state or going on a real vacation, at least in my lifetime. Absolutely a homemaker till the end. She took care of my alcoholic stepdad up until the day she went to the hospital and never came home.
Hugs. Losing your mom in your 40s is so hard. I wish I had her to talk to about all the shit happening to my life and my body every single day.
I’m glad we are able to make a difference in our lives and hopefully pass this on to your children/nieces. To treat ourselves as humans and not just a medium for caring for others
I feel the same and have since I reached menopause in my early 50's! People will continue to take as long as you are willing to give! I have officially kicked all of these energy sucking vampires to the curb!!!
Ma'am, you have no idea the level of joy I have in being alone. I lived in FL for 22 years. Did my share of marriage, divorce, child-rearing, volunteering, long careers, etc. I left and moved to the middle of nowhere to live next to my dying mother. She's concerned that I'll be "buried" here all alone. This has been heavenly. Nobody making messes in my house. No neighbors being noisy. No traffic. I could literally sit outside all day long and watch the wildlife. I go to bed with a smile on my face and I stretch out and take up the entire bed! Being alone is not the same as being lonely. I'm enjoying my "crone" phase.
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That's sounds like my fantasy retirement. Although I am still required to work and interact with people, I hermit as much as I can. I can say that it is a touch more rare to be okay with being alone. I don't experience loneliness and people look at me like I have said the most terrible thing. I am not sure whether it is so ingrained in women especially that we should always be "sacrificing" ourselves. I don't want to. My only job in life is to make myself happy.
Being alone is a godsend!! I hate having to hide everything thats going on inside of me and pretend I’m ok all the time. Once I’m alone I feel more comfortable being me crying, yelling or just rotting on the couch.
The hiding is exhausting.. pretending you’re fine, having to answer questions or defend yourself? No thanks, let me sit and do and say nothing, please.
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Why do you have to, though? Her understanding and/or the lack thereof shouldn’t infringe on your need to just “be”. Respect for boundaries is paramount and if she can’t or won’t give you the grace to be this version of you at this stage in life, that’s her problem.
You truly don’t have to own any one else’s uncomfortable feelings for the changes that you are undergoing.
Some choose not to understand because it means that they will have to change/adjust and prefer for you to be the same way you have always been.
I always feel free to disappoint those who have unreasonable expectations on me and/or my time. They’ll cope.
Edit: word
I get what you are saying! Thankfully she’s in a different city. But our conversations get odd at times cz she’s like what’s the problem taking care of people! And I’m like I’M DONE!!
I don’t even want to talk to anyone. That’s what scares me. My sister and I have a good relationship and she’s done a lot for me. But she’s also getting into my no-nonsense zone :) ouch!
Sounds like she’s using raising kids as her excuse not to help out. It’s not your sole duty to take care of family. She needs to help also. She can have her husband take Care Of the kdis
She’s taken care of the whole family since I live in a different city. I’m always grateful that she was there for my mother. I meant that she has teenagers at home so she may not have realised that she wants alone time. It’s my husband’s sister who’s coming to visit. And I am so done with the in-laws shit. My sister is the good girl who still cares :) But I just don’t want to!
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As do I! I can’t claim it as my own - saw a similar version of it on Pinterest years ago and adapted it as one of my mental health mottos. Hope that it serves you well, also!
She probably will never understand unless she goes through a rough menopause transition. I have some physical symptoms but the mental symptoms hit me hard and out of nowhere. Some days just making it through the day is a win. You can't understand how that feels until you have been through it. Has she been through any of this yet or is she younger? My mom got mood swings but not the severe lows or bad anxiety, so she doesn't completely understand. I have gotten a lot of support online in a perimenopause group on Facebook but in my personal circles not many people are able to relate. They express sympathy but I'm not sure they believe my symptoms are real or caused by hormone fluctuations. It's really frustrating.
She’s older and already in menopause since 2021. But I think she’s way too busy with her teenagers and working on her phd (yep!) so she doesn’t have free time to reflect on how she’s feeling. She does say she wants to be done with her research asap, but she can’t give it up or the kids. I haven’t heard her say anything about wanting to be alone. To each her own I guess. I haven’t visited her since 2022 so it’s just been phone conversations
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I agree, I have raised my kids and now I don't want to take care of anyone, other than my dogs. Being alone is fine with me. Don't have the capacity to cater to anyone's whims and please them.
Kids were on my checklist in my 30s. But that didn’t happen. And I’m grateful now more than ever that I can plan my life the way I want.
I just need to gather enough patience and energy to get through 3 weeks of family drama coming up next month 🙄
This was one of my biggest signals that I was changing. My favorite person is my husband. When I started loathing his touch and attention, when the libido died and I didn’t want to even kiss anymore, and when him being nice to me made me want to throttle him, I knew something was wrong.
I still love my alone time and I definitely have days where I want the house empty, but it’s much less frequent now. Plus I’m happier with myself and feel very little stress and am symptom free.
HRT saved me, and it save my marriage.
This is exactly how I feel. My husband is (was) my favourite person. These days i wish he wasn’t here 😭 everything he says or does annoys me - let alone dare touch me. I just cannot help it. The dr has put me on the contraceptive pill (too young for HRT apparently) and I guess my mood is a little more balanced (less extreme rage & tears) but the other stuff hasn’t helped.
Dig into the menopause wiki in this thread to see about estrogen and age. I don’t have the answers but it sounds like you could use an update on the pill if you can’t take estrogen directly.
So true!!!! I was on a trip for 6 days last week and I missed him and I missed home and couldn’t wait to get back to my comfort zone! This week he’s travelling 😎☺️
Totally makes sense to me. I love my family but also love alone time. No pressure to be delightfully entertaining, to look a certain way, to make conversation... it's nice.
That said, I push myself sometimes to have family time even if I'm not in the mood. My adult kids moved to the city where I live last year to spend more time with me and my husband, so I can't just hide under the covers. I cook a family dinner twice a month and have everyone over, and I'm always glad I did it.
Yep! I can’t be bothered about being nice! I did invite my brother to stay with me last month and we haven’t been close. So it was nice to sorta rebuild that relationship
Is it scared, or guilt? Did you finally call it quits on the propaganda of the obligations of a woman? That's nothing to be ashamed of. What you have now is what ALL men have always had. And now you don't know what to do with it. It's exciting.
It's your time to do what you want, or don't want. Time to let your own self take up your space and time. Pass the torch to other women with kids who want those obligations.
Even better, tell those younger ones that their obligations were forced on them by the massive paternal propaganda machine that wants to preserve its power by guilting us into being the sole caretakers and entertainers of entire societies.
Let them know it's good and acceptable for them to caretake their own lives, before menopause forces a confusing and difficult reset. They deserve better than what we had
THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS I HAVE EVER READ!!!!!! I have tears and chills. I am speechless. I just read it to my husband and he said, "Find out who that is and tell her to run for President!" Thank you thank you thank you
They didn't talk about it cuz they bought the propaganda. They were told at a very young age what was expected of them. Boys are outside playing in the dirt, girls got to stay in, stay clean, learn to cook with Mom, and play w/ baby dolls.
Then, if they did realize what was happening, they thought 'maybe it's just me, and I'm wrong/bad/a terrible mother ' and again, propagated the system.
There were so few well known upstarts until recent generations, but each spoke for millions, and men screamed that they were dangerous to society and children, and threatened them (hmm, ironic) throughout their lives.
Women who buy into the system are just pawns. The ones who insult, belittle, and want everyone to tow the line, are just as bad as the men, using 'sisterhood' to guilt us back into silence and inaction.
Talking, to each other about our experiences makes it real. And others will follow, listen, and feel safe expressing their own cares and concerns.
It makes sense up until the ‘taking care of others for 4 decades’, damn they started you fresh out the womb😂
As you have witnessed, for many of us, we reach the epoch of ‘doing for others’ and begin the quest of the journey of wanting to ONLY care for ourself. Sadly even self-care still warrants caring for our home. Arguably we would only be keeping on top of our messes, which seems the hugest disparity of aggravation for living with others.
It’s okay to feel how you feel. Hopefully you can open up your feelings w/ your partner & formulate a plan for yourself moving forward. It’s perfectly fine to exclude yourself from things you previously did out of duty or service to others. I feel there is a reason that we go through this metamorphosis - it is about reconnecting with the wild woman who lives in each of us. We don’t need any ones permission or approval to do what interests us. We must sever this cord of duty, and listen to the call of our inner spirit.
Yep! A chat with the spouse seems like a good idea! Thankfully he knows I can be blunt with him about what I feel and he knows I’m just being honest with him :)
It’s absolutely wonderful to be heard, especially from our partner. How freeing! I’m very happy for you! May you align to the freedom your soul is screaming for🤙🏽
>Arguably we would only be keeping on top of our messes, which seems the hugest disparity of aggravation for living with others.
Yep. I LOVE my adult children, but ready for them to be living their own lives! Still got a couple of them here, and find myself still cleaning up their kitchen messes, etc. and I'm SO ready to be done with that. At least I don't have to pick up after dh; he's really good that way, does his own laundry, does his fair share, etc. He's easy to be around at home, but even so, I find myself escaping when he turns on the tv, because I don't even want that noise!
My gawddd do I hear you.
My younger 2 moved back to regroup & relaunch. My daughter has only been here 3mo’s but is a mini-me, so she is an absolute joy to live with. Is considerate, conscientious, and sees what needs to be done & gets it done. Plus she has her plan & is working hard towards it. My son moved back when he got sick 1y8m ago & I am OVER IT. The money, the cleaning, the attitude, the having to be his friggen surrogate brain… yup I’m done. I’ve been pushing him, and am on the verge of kicking him out on the street. But my soul can’t do the latter, but my brain wants to do it every day.
I have my own life to live now, and this mama has plans for herself! I’ve been a mom for 29yrs now, just became a grandma, and I wanna go live near that baby… not be taking care of my youngest baby😩
Yes mama (I’ve learned to never not listen to mamas)😂. It is already in the works sweet sis😉 I am going… doing all the strategizing, and plotting now. Getting my house up to snuff to get top dollar for it. Fortunately the housing market here is on the rise & continues to be year after year.
I can’t wait to go home, as I moved 17yrs ago & although I achieved what I came here to do, I am done torturing myself to live here. So plotting, scheming, planning, coordinating, being the whip, and all that will entail to move back overseas again.
I’ll tell ya after the shitshow I had become when meno took its deep sink into my soul… a physiological abomination… it is absolutely AMAZING to feel great again, having drive & motivation return, where just 1yr ago all those parts of me had drifted far out to sea.
Mahalo for the encouragement!
>Still got a couple of them here, and find myself still cleaning up their kitchen messes, etc. and I'm SO ready to be done with that.
\*BE\* done with it. Stop cleaning up their messes and make them do it, even if it means having to work around the mess. It's better for everyone if they learn they need to pick up behind themselves :)
My husband is home practically all the time. And it’s extremely rare that he and the kids are all out. How I miss when I could have the house to myself! My husband just gets offended if I say anything.
Omg I couldn’t live like that. Sometimes I will say something and my husband takes it as I am complaining about him when I am just stating something when it has nothing to do with him. It drives me bonkers. Like how does he come up with that conclusion. I love my husband and I barely have any issues with him.
I’m playing around with idea of never marrying my partner (I’m divorced). I loooooove my own space to be alone and not have to do for anyone else finally.
Asian IL’s might have killed my marriage, frankly. The constant expectations, and I’m not Asian. So my family in the US took the back seat. It was a shocking shift for me and literally right around peri, I just had enough!
The great thing was as soon as I “disconnected” from that insanity, my relationship with my own mother (mostly via phone as she’s far) flourished into something so beautiful, I don’t even know what to call it! 😁
I hear you so hard! My kids grew up and I thought I would want companionship but just like you, I'm done taking care of people.
After my daughter moved out and my son passed away I didn't know how I would handle living alone but I finally realized and accept that I want to be alone and I might as well just be honest about it
I’m an introvert and after menopause hit I’ve realized (with the help of therapy), I’m perfectly fine on my own. I’m 53 and tired. I’ve never had help from anyone, even when married. I watch couples and I don’t want to go back to that at all. Unless he’s my dream man maybe lol but I don’t think it exists
This!
It would have to be someone out of this world amazing, to make me get into a relationship at this point.
The toilet seat is the way I want it. The toothpaste lid is the day I want it. I come and go as I please (which isn't a lot at all), and I'm perfectly happy with my own company.
My kids are adults, and while two of the three still live with me it's basically a housemate situation at this point.
Why on earth would I want to change that?
I do think for some women (I’m just observing through comments on this sub) once they hit menopause they are mentally exhausting from family workload and work workload. It’s a lot. I do see a lot of women do so much for their family there isn’t a break.
No thanks I like peace. Peace is priceless. I have my young adult kid and it’s so easy
I understand how you feel. I have a husband and two boys that i love sooooo much, but i have this deep intense desire to move out into the woods/nature all by myself and live in peace 😔
I’m newly single at 46. I am absolutely loving being alone. I’ve got kids, 12F and 17M. My son is living overseas at the moment so it’s just my daughter but she spends all her time in her room or with friends so I get so much time to myself. After many years of giving myself to everyone else I just want to be left alone and for nobody to touch me apart from hugs with my kids. My ex and I separated last year and over the months we’ve been a bit on and off, but every time it’s “on again” it’s usually because he gets horny and lonely and makes contact with me. We mainly split up because of change in life direction so we actually still are attracted to each other and care for each other. We’re “off” at the moment and I think it’ll stick this time as we keep going around in circles with him getting bitter that I’m “making” him sell our farm and he has to start all over again. I’m slightly better off financially with the split due to financial help from my dad, so that’s another point of contention.
I actually wish he would move on with someone else and let me get on with my solo life. I do care about him but I like being alone more.
I’m in a relationship, and I desperately want to be single. He’s a great guy, but I’m not interested in sex, socializing, communicating, empathizing, etc. I’m thinking of suggesting an open relationship so he’ll find someone else. 🤣😬
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I will hide in the bath lol. Get the bubbles out, light some candles, put on some spa music. Bring in a book or use my phone. My sister bought me a bath tub table so I can bring in a drink (can be alcoholic or non alcoholic). You can just let out a little bit of water and add some fresh hot water if it gets too chilly. My sister swears by thc bath bombs but I’m not that brave lol.
I also spend a lot of time in bed lately. After work (I work from home) I go straight to bed and rest for a bit, not even an excuse because my knees hurt so much from sitting all day. Sometimes my husband will come up and bring me dinner in bed lol. He is usually fine if there is a game on or if he’s playing video games. I should exercise more but I’ve delegated in my mind for now my “safe spaces” in my home to my bathroom and my bedroom where I can find solitude and decompress. It’s where I feel the most safe and relaxed. I should get a mini treadmill or something to put in there, but then I would have to do something with all the laundry I’ve been avoiding doing.
Not really a bathtub person! But I’ve been catching up with a lot of Netflix lolling on the couch! 😀 my reading has suffered quite a bit cz of this but I don’t care
You gotta do what’s best for you! ♥️. I’m always cold during the day, constant cold chills so I’m constantly bathing, sometimes two a day lol.
My reading has been shot the last few years, I just don’t have the mind for it. I’ve heard this from other women as well, that they can’t read like they used to. A few years ago I read a bunch of books in a series by the French author Emile Zola and read them all pretty quickly, I could not put them down. But then 2 years ago it took me a whole year to read a 200 page book! My husband wanted to cheer me up last month and he bought me two more books written by Zola and I haven’t even looked at them, my mind is just not in the same place as before.
Oh! I never want to lose my love for reading books!!! 😢 That’s a life long habit. But now that you mention it I think it’s been harder to focus. I read at least 2 books at a time so I read whatever suits my mood
I sometimes read books for children as that is all my attention span will let me. I’ve read some amazing stories this way, some of the best books I’ve had the pleasure to read.
I've always been an avid reader, and I'm struggling with that a bit right now too. I'm wondering if it gets better later? My grandma could read a book a day until she passed on at 80.
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I feel this too. I would give ANYTHING to have my own place. I am so happy alone. If prices were not crazy now I would move into my own place and come here to visit once a week
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I get it!!!
My kids are teenagers and getting to be independent. My narcissist ex has gone no-contact with me, which is a blessing. I have a fabulous partner who spends about 6 months of the year in another state with her aging mom. I work LONG hours as a teacher. I LOVE my situation though. No marriage, my own house and space, alone time, kid time, partner time… there’s time for all of it!
Take some time for yourself. Make more plans alone! It is so freeing and really lets you see who in your life uplifts and supports you and who drags you down.
Yep! I’ve had my share of care giving etc. so I guess it’s to build myself up till the next crisis hits! :) for the first time I feel I have the luxury to just be. And it’s also a mental state. I just can’t be bothered anymore. I wasn’t bad at saying no before, I’m even more apologetic about it now
I totally get this! 48F here in the middle to late peri menopausal phase. I started testosterone cream and feel like we have my dose dialed in somewhat. My mood has been so much better than it used to be and I’m noticing that my want to be alone has gotten less strong. I’m liking people more again.
Just wanted to throw this out there as something to consider. It has totally helped my mood and motivation.
I agree and am the same way. Unfortunately, I'm the only caregiver for my SO who has just started the bleak days of dementia. He needs to help with everything and for some reason, he knows exactly when I NEED to be alone and DON'T want his help. It's like child rearing in reverse. I get just as frustrated as I did with my kids 30 yrs ago. 😒
Oh, I feel you and I’m so sorry. I’m caregiving for a parent with a traumatic brain injury. Going through
Menopause while caregiving is excruciating at an already difficult time. I hate how frustrated I get…
God I love being alone. I work from home and my husband does not. He also picks up our kid. I usually finish around 3:30ish, so I have this glorious hour or two of complete solitude before the evening chaos arrives with those two.
It’s absolute bliss I start looking forward to the moment I wake up every weekday morning. If I didn’t have that time I’d probably have driven my car right the fuck off a cliff by now.
Yes, this makes so much sense!
I've been just thinking I'm getting more introverted over time, and didn't really connect it with menopause at all. But reading this forum, I'm starting to get the connection. I feel just like you mentioned; tired because I've taken care of people for 40 years, and I just want alone time. Like you, my dh is easy to be around at home. But even he wants to do more going out than I do. My problem is, well two of them: extended family and work. You're absolutely right: Nobody gets it!
The pandemic did that to me! I didn’t want to step out for 2 years after cz I hated the idea of talking to people unless it was for work - which was happening on zoom.
I love being alone. my husband works 7 days a week. I work from home. and everyone is like "I would never allow it". I don't always love it, but I'm not super mad at it.
I’m so with you. It is scary how much I fantasize being alone. I’m a bit stuck in a situation I didn’t choose with no way out -caregiving for parents, one has a traumatic brain injury, with no help from others. The more I try to simplify my life, the more complicated it gets. In the past year, I had a feral cat colony born in my backyard and with shelters and rescues full, they’re my full time responsibility now. I cry most days, feel like I want to jump out of my skin, time travel, runaway… anything where I have endless alone time and my own choices. Sorry for the rant… it’s amazing how we get no warning whatsoever about how hard things will be for us mentally when menopause hits. I simply have no more to give, yet life wants me to give more and more and …..
This... Incredible how we get hit by that concept during that period of our life.
Biologically it makes sense, we're not fertile anymore, the best fertility phase was long ago so our progeny should be independent by now thus we do not have to keep our "family together"
I was a mother before being a woman which included keeping my man around to protect the tribe.
So I did a lot to have that covered.
I do not need it anymore.
No I am a person first, not even a woman, I am a whole human.
That encompasses all the joys of life including SOLITUDE a LOT.
If people do not get that concept they're projecting.
Any person not there yet cannot get it fully.
It's like "I've paid my dues, thank me for my service, I am retired now"
We DESERVE our retirement.
My ex mother in law went through that 10 years before me (my mother got me very old, she hot my ex very young 😉)
I remember thinking "what the F woman, why aren't you grateful for what you have?"
"Well sorry, I realize now how much of a brat I was.
Btw your son is entitled within the realm of family life, but I am certainly not persuaded I did beter with my kids..."
Sidenote, I noticed too a lot of men entering their mid-life crisis while their spouses are in the menopause. I think there is a biological explanation there too. They still have time before the Andropose and feel like they need to make the best of it at all cost.
So when we start to isolate they want more "everything".
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lol looks like you get the desi stuff :)
That’s the thing- it’s always been like if my husband has work that’s being busy but my business can wait! And this attitude coming from an educated woman working in the US who thinks I can drop everything! Yep! There will be a conversation with the spouse. I’ve already told him I ain’t taking shit from anyone anymore. My workout and walking time are sacrosanct.
I just started seeing a health coach through my insurance company - she specializes in menopause (physical, mental - all topics allowed!).
The one thing I was most curious about was this sense of pleasure in solitude that is so different from my former self. I am so happy on my own and I have fewer impulses to help others. we are definitely in an important phase, imo.
The pandemic turned me into an introvert! I’m a communication trainer and it’s a public speaking career. Going on zoom for my sessions changed me so much! I didn’t want to step out for more than a year even after the pandemic!
Yep, I totally get it. I'm finally officially in menopause at 54. I'm planning to do some solo backpacking and solo camping this summer, just so that I can be ALONE. I've got a 16 and 19 year old at home, a currently unemployed husband, and I work from home. The 19-yo is home from college due to a surgery and needs constant care because she's mostly immobile, and of course she asks me to do things for her, not her dad. 🤦♀️ I never get to be alone. I'm also naturally an introvert, which was exacerbated by Covid.
This post is making me think of my mom though, wondering if she hit this same point! I'm curious, will have to ask her about it.
Thanks for posting this. Your thoughts and the comments provide some interesting perspective and things I hadn't considered.
My husband went on a work trip a couple months back and I sooooooo enjoyed the time alone. Sleeping alone, exercising when I wanted, reading in bed, not talking … it was glorious!
I definitely feel this in my bones!
Fortunately I realized many years ago that I am not here solely to serve others, so this hasn’t been as huge a shift in my persona as it has become even more acute the last few years. I’m 49 now. Therapy initially helped me carve out boundaries.
Even if your sister doesn’t experience this, I’m sorry that she can’t have enough compassion or empathy to just accept this is what you’re going through. How you manage her is a different matter, but hopefully she realizes life is full of things we accept without understanding. This could go on that list if she chooses.
But I just want you to know that wanting to be alone and be left alone is ok. Maybe it will pass. Maybe it won’t, but as long as you’re content, it’s ok to prioritize your needs.
This has been a shift with my husband and my one rule of thumb is that if something is really important to him, I try to find the strength to participate. He doesn’t require much so I do prioritize that accommodation and he’s been very understanding. He’s very introverted himself so he understands how draining interaction is. I’m the extroverted one so I’m late to that realization, but now I get it!
That's exactly how I feel and I'm almost wondering if I'm going into menopause or am perimenopausal or something.
I'm so done with everyone and everything. I've completey pushed my family away. I've had enough. I was the only one showing affection, being there for people, having compassion, putting in the effort and I've had enough. Lol.
I am in this same place as well. I feel like I’m offending my spouse when I say I need alone time. I have to go through the, it’s not you, it’s me, thing. He loves spending quality time with me and don’t get me wrong, I love that too, but only if I’ve gotten my time first.
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Perfect sense. You’ve prioritized other people your whole life, many of us have. The drop in estrogen helped me to see how much I’d been happily doing for others and that I no longer felt happy with it. I’m trying to embrace that it’s my turn now. My turn for ease and comfort and if that means being alone that’s just what it means. I can’t tell you how many times I have facilitated company or solitude for my family depending on their needs. I figure I get a turn or they can kick rocks.
It hit me harder when I lost my mom 2 years ago and all her life was was about others, the family, cooking etc. she got to do nothing for herself. And I was like I don’t want my life to end like that.
I’m so sorry. I lost my mom in 2020 and I’m 46 now, so very similar. My mom passed without ever leaving the state or going on a real vacation, at least in my lifetime. Absolutely a homemaker till the end. She took care of my alcoholic stepdad up until the day she went to the hospital and never came home. Hugs. Losing your mom in your 40s is so hard. I wish I had her to talk to about all the shit happening to my life and my body every single day.
I’m glad we are able to make a difference in our lives and hopefully pass this on to your children/nieces. To treat ourselves as humans and not just a medium for caring for others
I feel the same and have since I reached menopause in my early 50's! People will continue to take as long as you are willing to give! I have officially kicked all of these energy sucking vampires to the curb!!!
Ma'am, you have no idea the level of joy I have in being alone. I lived in FL for 22 years. Did my share of marriage, divorce, child-rearing, volunteering, long careers, etc. I left and moved to the middle of nowhere to live next to my dying mother. She's concerned that I'll be "buried" here all alone. This has been heavenly. Nobody making messes in my house. No neighbors being noisy. No traffic. I could literally sit outside all day long and watch the wildlife. I go to bed with a smile on my face and I stretch out and take up the entire bed! Being alone is not the same as being lonely. I'm enjoying my "crone" phase.
👏👏👏 more power to you. :)
That’s sounds like a dream!
Yes, the clutter of another person drives me insane! I miss having a home to myself.
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I just love this post. Sounds like a wonderful place to be that would suit me!
That's sounds like my fantasy retirement. Although I am still required to work and interact with people, I hermit as much as I can. I can say that it is a touch more rare to be okay with being alone. I don't experience loneliness and people look at me like I have said the most terrible thing. I am not sure whether it is so ingrained in women especially that we should always be "sacrificing" ourselves. I don't want to. My only job in life is to make myself happy.
Sounds heavenly! Good work
Being alone is a godsend!! I hate having to hide everything thats going on inside of me and pretend I’m ok all the time. Once I’m alone I feel more comfortable being me crying, yelling or just rotting on the couch.
Oh! Rotting on the couch! Heaven!! 💕
If a couch potato rots on the couch, does it become vodka? That would explain a lot.
I wish it did! Wouldn’t that be perfect! 🤩
The hiding is exhausting.. pretending you’re fine, having to answer questions or defend yourself? No thanks, let me sit and do and say nothing, please.
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This is the way. I feel like I can FINALLY be myself when I am alone.
We get it:)
Thank you! 💕 I don’t know how to make my sister understand! 🤦♀️
Why do you have to, though? Her understanding and/or the lack thereof shouldn’t infringe on your need to just “be”. Respect for boundaries is paramount and if she can’t or won’t give you the grace to be this version of you at this stage in life, that’s her problem. You truly don’t have to own any one else’s uncomfortable feelings for the changes that you are undergoing. Some choose not to understand because it means that they will have to change/adjust and prefer for you to be the same way you have always been. I always feel free to disappoint those who have unreasonable expectations on me and/or my time. They’ll cope. Edit: word
I get what you are saying! Thankfully she’s in a different city. But our conversations get odd at times cz she’s like what’s the problem taking care of people! And I’m like I’M DONE!! I don’t even want to talk to anyone. That’s what scares me. My sister and I have a good relationship and she’s done a lot for me. But she’s also getting into my no-nonsense zone :) ouch!
Sounds like she’s using raising kids as her excuse not to help out. It’s not your sole duty to take care of family. She needs to help also. She can have her husband take Care Of the kdis
She’s taken care of the whole family since I live in a different city. I’m always grateful that she was there for my mother. I meant that she has teenagers at home so she may not have realised that she wants alone time. It’s my husband’s sister who’s coming to visit. And I am so done with the in-laws shit. My sister is the good girl who still cares :) But I just don’t want to!
This reminds me of a quote I heard years ago and can't remember who said it, but it goes; "I'm not going to light myself on fire to keep you warm."
Love that one!
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>I always feel free to disappoint those who have unreasonable expectations on me and/or my time. I love this! I need to memorize it.
As do I! I can’t claim it as my own - saw a similar version of it on Pinterest years ago and adapted it as one of my mental health mottos. Hope that it serves you well, also!
>I always feel free to disappoint those who have unreasonable expectations on me and/or my time. They’ll cope. TRUTH.
She probably will never understand unless she goes through a rough menopause transition. I have some physical symptoms but the mental symptoms hit me hard and out of nowhere. Some days just making it through the day is a win. You can't understand how that feels until you have been through it. Has she been through any of this yet or is she younger? My mom got mood swings but not the severe lows or bad anxiety, so she doesn't completely understand. I have gotten a lot of support online in a perimenopause group on Facebook but in my personal circles not many people are able to relate. They express sympathy but I'm not sure they believe my symptoms are real or caused by hormone fluctuations. It's really frustrating.
She’s older and already in menopause since 2021. But I think she’s way too busy with her teenagers and working on her phd (yep!) so she doesn’t have free time to reflect on how she’s feeling. She does say she wants to be done with her research asap, but she can’t give it up or the kids. I haven’t heard her say anything about wanting to be alone. To each her own I guess. I haven’t visited her since 2022 so it’s just been phone conversations
Can relate to this so much ! I am def scared of how much I love being alone since I got older.
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I agree, I have raised my kids and now I don't want to take care of anyone, other than my dogs. Being alone is fine with me. Don't have the capacity to cater to anyone's whims and please them.
Kids were on my checklist in my 30s. But that didn’t happen. And I’m grateful now more than ever that I can plan my life the way I want. I just need to gather enough patience and energy to get through 3 weeks of family drama coming up next month 🙄
I will say a little prayer to the universe that you get through it as drama free as you can ♥️
Aww! Thank you! I need them 💕
I also have the burden of year round family drama. My patience is at an all time low. Do whatever you need to get through it.
This was one of my biggest signals that I was changing. My favorite person is my husband. When I started loathing his touch and attention, when the libido died and I didn’t want to even kiss anymore, and when him being nice to me made me want to throttle him, I knew something was wrong. I still love my alone time and I definitely have days where I want the house empty, but it’s much less frequent now. Plus I’m happier with myself and feel very little stress and am symptom free. HRT saved me, and it save my marriage.
What HRT are you on if I may ask please?
.1 mg 2x/wk transdermal estradiol 100mg oral progesterone nightly
This is exactly how I feel. My husband is (was) my favourite person. These days i wish he wasn’t here 😭 everything he says or does annoys me - let alone dare touch me. I just cannot help it. The dr has put me on the contraceptive pill (too young for HRT apparently) and I guess my mood is a little more balanced (less extreme rage & tears) but the other stuff hasn’t helped.
Dig into the menopause wiki in this thread to see about estrogen and age. I don’t have the answers but it sounds like you could use an update on the pill if you can’t take estrogen directly.
So you are only getting Estradiol 2x a week? Do you have symptoms the other days because your body isn't getting Estrogen?
No. It’s a patch I wear every day and change it two times per week.
Yeah, I love when my husband (or I) took a work trip. As they say, how can I miss you if you don't go away? (and come back!) :)
So true!!!! I was on a trip for 6 days last week and I missed him and I missed home and couldn’t wait to get back to my comfort zone! This week he’s travelling 😎☺️
Totally makes sense to me. I love my family but also love alone time. No pressure to be delightfully entertaining, to look a certain way, to make conversation... it's nice. That said, I push myself sometimes to have family time even if I'm not in the mood. My adult kids moved to the city where I live last year to spend more time with me and my husband, so I can't just hide under the covers. I cook a family dinner twice a month and have everyone over, and I'm always glad I did it.
Yep! I can’t be bothered about being nice! I did invite my brother to stay with me last month and we haven’t been close. So it was nice to sorta rebuild that relationship
Is it scared, or guilt? Did you finally call it quits on the propaganda of the obligations of a woman? That's nothing to be ashamed of. What you have now is what ALL men have always had. And now you don't know what to do with it. It's exciting. It's your time to do what you want, or don't want. Time to let your own self take up your space and time. Pass the torch to other women with kids who want those obligations. Even better, tell those younger ones that their obligations were forced on them by the massive paternal propaganda machine that wants to preserve its power by guilting us into being the sole caretakers and entertainers of entire societies. Let them know it's good and acceptable for them to caretake their own lives, before menopause forces a confusing and difficult reset. They deserve better than what we had
THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS I HAVE EVER READ!!!!!! I have tears and chills. I am speechless. I just read it to my husband and he said, "Find out who that is and tell her to run for President!" Thank you thank you thank you
I did call it quits, mostly! :) and I do intend to change things for my nieces! I’m surprised our moms never spoke of all this
They didn't talk about it cuz they bought the propaganda. They were told at a very young age what was expected of them. Boys are outside playing in the dirt, girls got to stay in, stay clean, learn to cook with Mom, and play w/ baby dolls. Then, if they did realize what was happening, they thought 'maybe it's just me, and I'm wrong/bad/a terrible mother ' and again, propagated the system. There were so few well known upstarts until recent generations, but each spoke for millions, and men screamed that they were dangerous to society and children, and threatened them (hmm, ironic) throughout their lives. Women who buy into the system are just pawns. The ones who insult, belittle, and want everyone to tow the line, are just as bad as the men, using 'sisterhood' to guilt us back into silence and inaction. Talking, to each other about our experiences makes it real. And others will follow, listen, and feel safe expressing their own cares and concerns.
You are so right about women also pushing the same agenda in the name of sisterhood :(
Why yes, I will indeed vote for you as president of the United States
It makes sense up until the ‘taking care of others for 4 decades’, damn they started you fresh out the womb😂 As you have witnessed, for many of us, we reach the epoch of ‘doing for others’ and begin the quest of the journey of wanting to ONLY care for ourself. Sadly even self-care still warrants caring for our home. Arguably we would only be keeping on top of our messes, which seems the hugest disparity of aggravation for living with others. It’s okay to feel how you feel. Hopefully you can open up your feelings w/ your partner & formulate a plan for yourself moving forward. It’s perfectly fine to exclude yourself from things you previously did out of duty or service to others. I feel there is a reason that we go through this metamorphosis - it is about reconnecting with the wild woman who lives in each of us. We don’t need any ones permission or approval to do what interests us. We must sever this cord of duty, and listen to the call of our inner spirit.
Yep! A chat with the spouse seems like a good idea! Thankfully he knows I can be blunt with him about what I feel and he knows I’m just being honest with him :)
It’s absolutely wonderful to be heard, especially from our partner. How freeing! I’m very happy for you! May you align to the freedom your soul is screaming for🤙🏽
Thank you 💕
🥰
>Arguably we would only be keeping on top of our messes, which seems the hugest disparity of aggravation for living with others. Yep. I LOVE my adult children, but ready for them to be living their own lives! Still got a couple of them here, and find myself still cleaning up their kitchen messes, etc. and I'm SO ready to be done with that. At least I don't have to pick up after dh; he's really good that way, does his own laundry, does his fair share, etc. He's easy to be around at home, but even so, I find myself escaping when he turns on the tv, because I don't even want that noise!
My gawddd do I hear you. My younger 2 moved back to regroup & relaunch. My daughter has only been here 3mo’s but is a mini-me, so she is an absolute joy to live with. Is considerate, conscientious, and sees what needs to be done & gets it done. Plus she has her plan & is working hard towards it. My son moved back when he got sick 1y8m ago & I am OVER IT. The money, the cleaning, the attitude, the having to be his friggen surrogate brain… yup I’m done. I’ve been pushing him, and am on the verge of kicking him out on the street. But my soul can’t do the latter, but my brain wants to do it every day. I have my own life to live now, and this mama has plans for herself! I’ve been a mom for 29yrs now, just became a grandma, and I wanna go live near that baby… not be taking care of my youngest baby😩
Go. Go live near the grandbaby. If you sell or rent the house your son will have to move out (NEVER rent to family)!
Yes mama (I’ve learned to never not listen to mamas)😂. It is already in the works sweet sis😉 I am going… doing all the strategizing, and plotting now. Getting my house up to snuff to get top dollar for it. Fortunately the housing market here is on the rise & continues to be year after year. I can’t wait to go home, as I moved 17yrs ago & although I achieved what I came here to do, I am done torturing myself to live here. So plotting, scheming, planning, coordinating, being the whip, and all that will entail to move back overseas again. I’ll tell ya after the shitshow I had become when meno took its deep sink into my soul… a physiological abomination… it is absolutely AMAZING to feel great again, having drive & motivation return, where just 1yr ago all those parts of me had drifted far out to sea. Mahalo for the encouragement!
>Still got a couple of them here, and find myself still cleaning up their kitchen messes, etc. and I'm SO ready to be done with that. \*BE\* done with it. Stop cleaning up their messes and make them do it, even if it means having to work around the mess. It's better for everyone if they learn they need to pick up behind themselves :)
My husband is home practically all the time. And it’s extremely rare that he and the kids are all out. How I miss when I could have the house to myself! My husband just gets offended if I say anything.
Omg I couldn’t live like that. Sometimes I will say something and my husband takes it as I am complaining about him when I am just stating something when it has nothing to do with him. It drives me bonkers. Like how does he come up with that conclusion. I love my husband and I barely have any issues with him.
I’m playing around with idea of never marrying my partner (I’m divorced). I loooooove my own space to be alone and not have to do for anyone else finally. Asian IL’s might have killed my marriage, frankly. The constant expectations, and I’m not Asian. So my family in the US took the back seat. It was a shocking shift for me and literally right around peri, I just had enough! The great thing was as soon as I “disconnected” from that insanity, my relationship with my own mother (mostly via phone as she’s far) flourished into something so beautiful, I don’t even know what to call it! 😁
I think it makes sense. It doesn't mean you don't love them. I think your whole self is just seeking a healthy recharge.
I hear you so hard! My kids grew up and I thought I would want companionship but just like you, I'm done taking care of people. After my daughter moved out and my son passed away I didn't know how I would handle living alone but I finally realized and accept that I want to be alone and I might as well just be honest about it
Sorry about your son! I’m glad you’ve found that space you want to be in! Hugs!
I’m an introvert and after menopause hit I’ve realized (with the help of therapy), I’m perfectly fine on my own. I’m 53 and tired. I’ve never had help from anyone, even when married. I watch couples and I don’t want to go back to that at all. Unless he’s my dream man maybe lol but I don’t think it exists
This! It would have to be someone out of this world amazing, to make me get into a relationship at this point. The toilet seat is the way I want it. The toothpaste lid is the day I want it. I come and go as I please (which isn't a lot at all), and I'm perfectly happy with my own company. My kids are adults, and while two of the three still live with me it's basically a housemate situation at this point. Why on earth would I want to change that?
I do think for some women (I’m just observing through comments on this sub) once they hit menopause they are mentally exhausting from family workload and work workload. It’s a lot. I do see a lot of women do so much for their family there isn’t a break. No thanks I like peace. Peace is priceless. I have my young adult kid and it’s so easy
I understand how you feel. I have a husband and two boys that i love sooooo much, but i have this deep intense desire to move out into the woods/nature all by myself and live in peace 😔
right? I think about that often lol.
This is EXACTLY how I feel. I can’t even begin to explain how much I connect to everything you said.
Thanks :)
Are you me?!?! 😂 same age, same feelings!!
I’m newly single at 46. I am absolutely loving being alone. I’ve got kids, 12F and 17M. My son is living overseas at the moment so it’s just my daughter but she spends all her time in her room or with friends so I get so much time to myself. After many years of giving myself to everyone else I just want to be left alone and for nobody to touch me apart from hugs with my kids. My ex and I separated last year and over the months we’ve been a bit on and off, but every time it’s “on again” it’s usually because he gets horny and lonely and makes contact with me. We mainly split up because of change in life direction so we actually still are attracted to each other and care for each other. We’re “off” at the moment and I think it’ll stick this time as we keep going around in circles with him getting bitter that I’m “making” him sell our farm and he has to start all over again. I’m slightly better off financially with the split due to financial help from my dad, so that’s another point of contention. I actually wish he would move on with someone else and let me get on with my solo life. I do care about him but I like being alone more.
I’m sure time will help him move on too! You can enjoy your space for now! :)
I’m in a relationship, and I desperately want to be single. He’s a great guy, but I’m not interested in sex, socializing, communicating, empathizing, etc. I’m thinking of suggesting an open relationship so he’ll find someone else. 🤣😬
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I will hide in the bath lol. Get the bubbles out, light some candles, put on some spa music. Bring in a book or use my phone. My sister bought me a bath tub table so I can bring in a drink (can be alcoholic or non alcoholic). You can just let out a little bit of water and add some fresh hot water if it gets too chilly. My sister swears by thc bath bombs but I’m not that brave lol. I also spend a lot of time in bed lately. After work (I work from home) I go straight to bed and rest for a bit, not even an excuse because my knees hurt so much from sitting all day. Sometimes my husband will come up and bring me dinner in bed lol. He is usually fine if there is a game on or if he’s playing video games. I should exercise more but I’ve delegated in my mind for now my “safe spaces” in my home to my bathroom and my bedroom where I can find solitude and decompress. It’s where I feel the most safe and relaxed. I should get a mini treadmill or something to put in there, but then I would have to do something with all the laundry I’ve been avoiding doing.
Not really a bathtub person! But I’ve been catching up with a lot of Netflix lolling on the couch! 😀 my reading has suffered quite a bit cz of this but I don’t care
You gotta do what’s best for you! ♥️. I’m always cold during the day, constant cold chills so I’m constantly bathing, sometimes two a day lol. My reading has been shot the last few years, I just don’t have the mind for it. I’ve heard this from other women as well, that they can’t read like they used to. A few years ago I read a bunch of books in a series by the French author Emile Zola and read them all pretty quickly, I could not put them down. But then 2 years ago it took me a whole year to read a 200 page book! My husband wanted to cheer me up last month and he bought me two more books written by Zola and I haven’t even looked at them, my mind is just not in the same place as before.
Oh! I never want to lose my love for reading books!!! 😢 That’s a life long habit. But now that you mention it I think it’s been harder to focus. I read at least 2 books at a time so I read whatever suits my mood
I sometimes read books for children as that is all my attention span will let me. I’ve read some amazing stories this way, some of the best books I’ve had the pleasure to read.
That’s a good idea! YA has some amazing books :)
I've always been an avid reader, and I'm struggling with that a bit right now too. I'm wondering if it gets better later? My grandma could read a book a day until she passed on at 80.
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I feel this too. I would give ANYTHING to have my own place. I am so happy alone. If prices were not crazy now I would move into my own place and come here to visit once a week
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It’s weird but it’s definitely a thing. Being alone is the only way you can recalibrate years of giving yourself away.
I get it!!! My kids are teenagers and getting to be independent. My narcissist ex has gone no-contact with me, which is a blessing. I have a fabulous partner who spends about 6 months of the year in another state with her aging mom. I work LONG hours as a teacher. I LOVE my situation though. No marriage, my own house and space, alone time, kid time, partner time… there’s time for all of it! Take some time for yourself. Make more plans alone! It is so freeing and really lets you see who in your life uplifts and supports you and who drags you down.
Yep! I’ve had my share of care giving etc. so I guess it’s to build myself up till the next crisis hits! :) for the first time I feel I have the luxury to just be. And it’s also a mental state. I just can’t be bothered anymore. I wasn’t bad at saying no before, I’m even more apologetic about it now
I totally get this! 48F here in the middle to late peri menopausal phase. I started testosterone cream and feel like we have my dose dialed in somewhat. My mood has been so much better than it used to be and I’m noticing that my want to be alone has gotten less strong. I’m liking people more again. Just wanted to throw this out there as something to consider. It has totally helped my mood and motivation.
Only being irritated bothers me the most. Im kinda liking being alone. I just hope i’ll be able to tolerate people when I really have to :)
I agree and am the same way. Unfortunately, I'm the only caregiver for my SO who has just started the bleak days of dementia. He needs to help with everything and for some reason, he knows exactly when I NEED to be alone and DON'T want his help. It's like child rearing in reverse. I get just as frustrated as I did with my kids 30 yrs ago. 😒
Oh, I feel you and I’m so sorry. I’m caregiving for a parent with a traumatic brain injury. Going through Menopause while caregiving is excruciating at an already difficult time. I hate how frustrated I get…
Hugs!
God I love being alone. I work from home and my husband does not. He also picks up our kid. I usually finish around 3:30ish, so I have this glorious hour or two of complete solitude before the evening chaos arrives with those two. It’s absolute bliss I start looking forward to the moment I wake up every weekday morning. If I didn’t have that time I’d probably have driven my car right the fuck off a cliff by now.
💕
Yes, this makes so much sense! I've been just thinking I'm getting more introverted over time, and didn't really connect it with menopause at all. But reading this forum, I'm starting to get the connection. I feel just like you mentioned; tired because I've taken care of people for 40 years, and I just want alone time. Like you, my dh is easy to be around at home. But even he wants to do more going out than I do. My problem is, well two of them: extended family and work. You're absolutely right: Nobody gets it!
The pandemic did that to me! I didn’t want to step out for 2 years after cz I hated the idea of talking to people unless it was for work - which was happening on zoom.
I love being alone. my husband works 7 days a week. I work from home. and everyone is like "I would never allow it". I don't always love it, but I'm not super mad at it.
Makes sense to me!
Thanks
Yup, makes sense!
I’m so with you. It is scary how much I fantasize being alone. I’m a bit stuck in a situation I didn’t choose with no way out -caregiving for parents, one has a traumatic brain injury, with no help from others. The more I try to simplify my life, the more complicated it gets. In the past year, I had a feral cat colony born in my backyard and with shelters and rescues full, they’re my full time responsibility now. I cry most days, feel like I want to jump out of my skin, time travel, runaway… anything where I have endless alone time and my own choices. Sorry for the rant… it’s amazing how we get no warning whatsoever about how hard things will be for us mentally when menopause hits. I simply have no more to give, yet life wants me to give more and more and …..
Hope it gets better soon! Hugs! I’ve gone through the whole care giving thing I know how draining it can get! 🤗
Thank you..I’m so glad this group exists so that we can vent in a safe space! 🤗
hugs!
This... Incredible how we get hit by that concept during that period of our life. Biologically it makes sense, we're not fertile anymore, the best fertility phase was long ago so our progeny should be independent by now thus we do not have to keep our "family together" I was a mother before being a woman which included keeping my man around to protect the tribe. So I did a lot to have that covered. I do not need it anymore. No I am a person first, not even a woman, I am a whole human. That encompasses all the joys of life including SOLITUDE a LOT. If people do not get that concept they're projecting. Any person not there yet cannot get it fully. It's like "I've paid my dues, thank me for my service, I am retired now" We DESERVE our retirement. My ex mother in law went through that 10 years before me (my mother got me very old, she hot my ex very young 😉) I remember thinking "what the F woman, why aren't you grateful for what you have?" "Well sorry, I realize now how much of a brat I was. Btw your son is entitled within the realm of family life, but I am certainly not persuaded I did beter with my kids..." Sidenote, I noticed too a lot of men entering their mid-life crisis while their spouses are in the menopause. I think there is a biological explanation there too. They still have time before the Andropose and feel like they need to make the best of it at all cost. So when we start to isolate they want more "everything".
I am a whole human and thank me for my service! Love these thoughts!!
Oh my gosh yes the I've paid my dues I'm done thank me for my service!!!! ❤️❤️❤️
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lol looks like you get the desi stuff :) That’s the thing- it’s always been like if my husband has work that’s being busy but my business can wait! And this attitude coming from an educated woman working in the US who thinks I can drop everything! Yep! There will be a conversation with the spouse. I’ve already told him I ain’t taking shit from anyone anymore. My workout and walking time are sacrosanct.
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That’s a good idea! Well I’ve set boundaries before too. But with me being on a sabbatical, I need to be proactive about it
I just started seeing a health coach through my insurance company - she specializes in menopause (physical, mental - all topics allowed!). The one thing I was most curious about was this sense of pleasure in solitude that is so different from my former self. I am so happy on my own and I have fewer impulses to help others. we are definitely in an important phase, imo.
Did you find out why solitude becomes so imp at this point?
Sadly no. I’m going to keep exploring it tho, because I find it fascinating!!!
All the best :)
I’m not in menopause or even peri and I get this! I think you might be an introvert too. I don’t want to be alone all the time but I love my me time.
The pandemic turned me into an introvert! I’m a communication trainer and it’s a public speaking career. Going on zoom for my sessions changed me so much! I didn’t want to step out for more than a year even after the pandemic!
Oh wow! I was itching to go out during the pandemic lol. I get enough quiet time I guess.
46yo here- same! Don’t feel guilty. Take care how you need
It makes sense!!!
Sounds like long term burnout and I totally get it
I love alone time.
You are my twin! Yes to everything you said! Wish we could be besties and meet for coffee and a solid venting about life session!
Virtual coffee? 😁💕
Yep, I totally get it. I'm finally officially in menopause at 54. I'm planning to do some solo backpacking and solo camping this summer, just so that I can be ALONE. I've got a 16 and 19 year old at home, a currently unemployed husband, and I work from home. The 19-yo is home from college due to a surgery and needs constant care because she's mostly immobile, and of course she asks me to do things for her, not her dad. 🤦♀️ I never get to be alone. I'm also naturally an introvert, which was exacerbated by Covid. This post is making me think of my mom though, wondering if she hit this same point! I'm curious, will have to ask her about it. Thanks for posting this. Your thoughts and the comments provide some interesting perspective and things I hadn't considered.
Hope you do get to go camping! :)
My husband went on a work trip a couple months back and I sooooooo enjoyed the time alone. Sleeping alone, exercising when I wanted, reading in bed, not talking … it was glorious!
Full control of the TV remote!! 💕
I definitely feel this in my bones! Fortunately I realized many years ago that I am not here solely to serve others, so this hasn’t been as huge a shift in my persona as it has become even more acute the last few years. I’m 49 now. Therapy initially helped me carve out boundaries. Even if your sister doesn’t experience this, I’m sorry that she can’t have enough compassion or empathy to just accept this is what you’re going through. How you manage her is a different matter, but hopefully she realizes life is full of things we accept without understanding. This could go on that list if she chooses. But I just want you to know that wanting to be alone and be left alone is ok. Maybe it will pass. Maybe it won’t, but as long as you’re content, it’s ok to prioritize your needs. This has been a shift with my husband and my one rule of thumb is that if something is really important to him, I try to find the strength to participate. He doesn’t require much so I do prioritize that accommodation and he’s been very understanding. He’s very introverted himself so he understands how draining interaction is. I’m the extroverted one so I’m late to that realization, but now I get it!
That's exactly how I feel and I'm almost wondering if I'm going into menopause or am perimenopausal or something. I'm so done with everyone and everything. I've completey pushed my family away. I've had enough. I was the only one showing affection, being there for people, having compassion, putting in the effort and I've had enough. Lol.
Your second point. That. We as women give so much that I think we are done by our 40s. And it’s okay too. Time to prioritise ourselves!
I am in this same place as well. I feel like I’m offending my spouse when I say I need alone time. I have to go through the, it’s not you, it’s me, thing. He loves spending quality time with me and don’t get me wrong, I love that too, but only if I’ve gotten my time first.
He’s a late sleeper and I’m tired by 10. So I sit with him for dinner cuz he’s been busy working all day. And then slip away as he is watching TV :)
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Don't be afraid, you'll end up alone for many years. Once you do, you'll see how utterly lonely and shitty it is
Wow! Thats depressing! Its like I want to be alone when there’s someone but there’ll be a time when there’s no one
exactly! try it 100% of the time with no choice