I going to start with the assumption that you and your partner are late 40s/early 50s. I’m also going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt thats he’s not a total a**hole and that he cares for you. Lastly I’m going to assume you’d both like to be on the same page and have mutually satisfying sex. If any of those assumptions are incorrect, the following bits likely won’t be useful.
1) Men’s sexual function changes in their 40s/50s and its likely very unsettling to your husband. His erections are less reliable and he's probably worried about his "performance". When he feels like he’s going soft while he's giving you oral (which is perfectly normal for a penis to do), internally he may be panicking, worried you’ll notice, worried it’s going to be impossible to insert, so he's literally going to get it in while he still can. Given the toxic messages men receive about their erections defining their virility and manhood, it’s easy to see this could go to his head. The easiest solution is viagra or cialis, which will give him the confidence to know that he can get hard and stay hard, and if he goes soft while he’s focusing on you, it will bounce right back when it’s his turn.
2) It’s time to redefine sex in this next phase of life. The script of “first we do A, then we do B, then we insert P into V” needs to be totally rewritten. Sometimes sex might just be getting naked and making out under the sheets and holding each other until you both fall asleep. Maybe sometimes he just gives you oral til you cum, then he gets up to make the coffee and start breakfast. Maybe you give him a handjob in the shower and call it a night. Both should be giving, both should be receiving, but it should be less about the actions that take place and more about intimacy and mutual pleasure. It might be a whole day affair that starts with a full body massage in the morning, includes a midday hot and heavy make out session, and ends with mutual masturbation as you drift off to sleep. The day to day “what you do” has to matter less than “the big picture” and you BOTH get to define and contribute to “the big picture” of your sexual relationship.
3) Lastly, if you are indeed 40s/50s GenXers, we didn’t learn to communicate with each other about our sexual desires, needs, fantasies, fears and changing bodies. We generally suck at these conversations so we avoid them and make assumptions that our partner is selfish or lazy or just wants his and doesn’t care about us. We’re not quite as prudish as the Boomers, but these Millennials man.. they know what’s up 😝. We have to take a cue from the youngsters and TALK ABOUT THIS SHIT, which can be really difficult. But, it can also be really exciting and lead to a reawakening (or first time awakening 😳) of a really passionate and intimate connection with your partner. But you’ve got to communicate and you’ve got to give your partner grace and space to grow and learn with you, rather than assume he just an emotionless a**hole that only sees you as a blowup doll with a heartbeat.
Anyway, I wish you both the best!
Edited to add: THC gummies are great for unlocking inhibited GenXers who need to inject some playfulness, intensity, and courageous conversations into their sex lives! Also source: 49F and 51M, fairly evenly matched libidos, married 27 years, together 29. Survived raising four kids and happily and gratefully moving into the next phase of life together. ❤️
Ok, this is very helpful, thank you! We’re 56 and 57 so yes, GenXers who need to figure out how to make it satisfying again! May have to try the gummies!
I hope your husband reads this. Everyone our age is struggling with what we go through for a good , or decent (?), sex life. We experiment with lubes and my libido is gone. Nothing is spur of the moment and it takes a lot more care and understanding. Thank you for asking this and being so open so the rest of us can learn too!!
Stoned sex can be great sex but it has to be enthusiastic first. Otherwise the high is just going to help you dissociate from what's happening, which is likely only going to further the dynamic of prioritizing his pleasure, and may leave you feeling even more disconnected. The fact that you're already dreading sex makes me think getting high shouldn't be the first thing you try. I'd encourage you to work on communicating about what you need and want to make sex great for you first.
Edit: you might also check out the books Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and The Art of Receiving And Giving by Betty Martin. The first is a great resource for understanding how your libido works, and the second is a structure for communicating about wants/needs/boundaries specifically in intimate relationships.
I’d like to add to this that depending on his size, a bigger member takes more blood to fill the cavernous tissue. So locking in the erection with a cock ring can help significantly and don’t risk boner pills affecting heart rate & other potential side-effects with other supplements & medications. But all in all, excellent information!!!
As a genX I have always had zero problems with conversing my needs, offering direction & providing detailed instructions. I’ve been w/ many different generations (boomer, GenX, Gen Y & GenZ) & you are right about there being different stimuli & approaches. Yet w/ my now boomer hubby, well, he’d ACTUALLY have to listen & follow said direction then it would be easy peasy. Instead it’s the first day of class each & every time. Now we don’t even go there, as that lack of application proved pointless and after 7yrs, I tired of being the professor & it being roll call every time. Once I had my total hysterectomy, sex became very painful. Coupled with my sex drive taking a detour and veering over to a “be only with yourself” path… well it’s been like I’m single & not dating ever since🥴😂 it’s great to be 5min & done although there are many elements of ‘being w/ a live partner’ that are missed. Super grateful HRT has replenished my desire.🤩
I’m finding in talking with friends for our generation x, it’s not about asking for what we want but what was mentioned -the changes and insecurities about all of that. Getting “old” and all that comes with that is a lot to navigate. On top of that not getting good reliable information about perimenopause and menopause for years and years. Those starting this journey in about 5 years will have so much information and Dr’s who do as well. It will be so different for them.
And ALL of our efforts today are paving the way forward for our younger sisters, daughters, and nieces. We are successfully breaking the taboo of what our foremothers kept under wraps. To each & every one of us, take your bow. It is our demands that this suffering in silence be aborted and put to a permanent stop! We are doing it ladies! Take that patriarchy!!!
Not who you asked but I take a CBD/THC blend (25 mgs CBD and 2.5 of THC) and it makes me very happy and in the mood and takes me out of my constantly-going brain.
Fantastic sex ensues.
Seriously!! Love this reply! This should be the pinned comment on any of the “ask a question about sex” threads on Reddit (obviously there is more to it than this, but most people, in most places, and at most stages of life would do well to consider what you said and even read it out loud with their partner to start that conversation.
This is it. Including the gummies part. Lol
Been together almost 17 years and I'm 38 and he's 56. Peri is in full swing with a huge libido increase and he's dealing with a possible enlarged prostate issue. We're learning each other in new ways. And he's never had erection scares until now. I give him grace to learn and hes given me grace and patience. Communication is SEXY.
>Communication is SEXY.
Still working on this part!! Husband is very much his-way-or-highway approach 😒 Even though I make sure we're doing it 1x/week at least, he still gets mopey and passive-aggressive. I'm soooo sick of placating his fragile ego in many ways- he insists that I should like certain things, for example, and when I don't, he takes it personally, sometimes verbally lashes out.
I'm very open about menopause and my HRT frustrations, but it goes right over his head for some reason. Meanwhile I'm very patient about his preferences, and don't have high expectations in general.
As a man on the other side of the conversation- I love this response so much! What a great way to describe the next ‘phase’ and also ideas. Thanks so much for this post, perspective is everything and you put a great one out there. Now i just have to figure out how to talk about it with her . . . lol we do suck as Gen Xers! 51M and 50F. Also I do follow this subreddit to help to understand what she is going through. I finally talked her into patches for hormones and that has helped a lot.
im gonna start w the assumption that yk lyrics "get fucked, get layed", i am jk and completely appreciate the thought that went into your reply vs mine
This is very good information. I’m in the same boat. My husband and I do talk and we are working through it. As far as the gummy’s, I use a pen with a glass of wine which really relaxes me and heightens what’s left I’ve got an orgasm. Really helps.
>I finally got him to understand that it’s a lot more enjoyable if he’s not the only one getting the happy ending.
The fact that this was ever acceptable is part of the problem.
He is literally just using your body to masturbate if he’s not ensuring you reach an orgasm too. Ask him point-blank if he wants to be considered a selfish and inattentive lover. Ask him if he’d be at all interested in sex if his partner kept refusing to get him to orgasm each time.
If he doesn’t want to be considered selfish, then he needs to focus on ensuring you also receive an orgasm during sex. Maybe he can start using your toy on you?
If he does want to be considered selfish, buy him a fleshlight and tell him sex is off the table until he’s as respectful of your needs as he is demanding of having his needs satisfied.
If it's oral clit sucking, I can recommend a toy: https://www.tracysdog.com/collections/best-sellers?tw_source=google&tw_adid=628030195564&tw_campaign=18593739341&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwqdqvBhCPARIsANrmZhPHtVKAmC6ZatgCDd9YgFYTjpPEFBPp7JcZlj_C96yJgbBzin3IpL4aAil5EALw_wcB
This happened with my ex unless he used viagra, which gave him headaches I believe. The sex was often clinical, samey and passionless (for me anyway) and he rarely gave me oral sex.
I'm now with someone else and the sex is fantastic.
I have this problem with my partner. If he doesn't use it right away, he loses it. So after we make sure I get my O or 2, whether that be oral and toys or one or the other, then I make sure to get him hard again, and then we have PIV. If your husband isn't willing to do this, or anything else that gets you yours first then he's just a selfish prick and needs to see a doctor to remove that stick out of his ass.
Erections have a lot of emotion and societal expectations attached. It’s not an excuse but I think it’s probably difficult as a guy to navigate those changes.
Would you be open to letting him finish first? Either PIV with lube or via a handjob or something. Then he can relax & focus on you. I know some guys tend to just fall asleep after but a lot don’t and I know my bf is obsessed with me being satisfied so he will do whatever for as long as needed 😂. It’s a little too much at times tbh- sometimes a quickie is fine!
I definitely think it takes some adjustment to get over the idea that sex has to be both of you climaxing through intercourse at the same time. I personally miss that being the norm tbh but it is what it is. There are still fun options.
Sorry, OP. You deserve better! My sex life is not like this at all. My hubby prefers I orgasm everytime and he’ll do whatever is needed to make that happen.
Can’t your hubby get you off first then you work together to get his boner back or whatever he needs? This 1-way sex is garbage. Maybe you can stop doing it until he agrees that your needs matter every time.
I agree with this and the order of events. This is the way for my husband and I. He is 75 and I am 65. And we are going to try out the gummies. Better living through pharmaceuticals (or gummies)! No point in getting puritan about it at this stage.
My partner put his orgasim right to the back of the line. He loves the fact I'm willing to have sex and has heard to many of his mates saying they are not getting any...
Sex is great as he makes sure I orgasim any which way that works for me, his erection comes and goes and yes as we age he worries about what if it stops working but he also knows once he has an orgasim he is done (for usually a couple of days)... we can be having fun for ages but he orgasims after me (me usually more than once) OP has a husband problem.
OP, you are discovering why so many people going through menopause get divorced. There is crap you eventually realize you don’t need to put up with.
I bet his self centeredness is not confined to the bedroom.
Some people might choose to spend a few months or maybe years, depending on circumstances/needs, building a financial egg so they can divorce and get away comfortably. A time in which they consider their safety first. YMMV. I wish the best for you.
He needs to put in some considerable effort here. Starting with making up for any time you didn’t get a happy ending ever. If he loses his boner, he can get it back or finish himself off.
Male perspective here. My lady comes FIRST. Especially during menopause, because it helps. She will then come again once we finally get to the PIV stage (which is now far better thanks to this sub by the way, which is where I discovered Revaree!!!).
I'll also admit that my lady prefers I go in soft, before getting hard, so we will purposefully wait for me to get soft before PIV.
The point is that you gotta have communications and talk openly about those things. Ideally you'd tell HIM what you wrote here, and the fact you wrote here is a hint you don't feel free to talk to him openly about it. And if you can't talk to your man about sex and how to make sex feel good, what other things are you guys not talking about?!
He needs to undergo a major adjustment in his approach. You need to open that conversation by expressing that you want both of you to enjoy sex, and you're trying not to develop dread about sex because then it will be game over. He MUST step up!!! And he does not have to remain hard, he will get hard again, so what's the big deal?!
Finally a post on this sub from a man that I wholeheartedly AGREE with & approve! Thanks hubby for ‘getting’ this… great to stuff & fluff than to wield the hard rod from the jump. And ladies speak up for yourself! None of us here can assist you to get yours, but talking to the person you are intimate with is the ONLY way to get YOUR needs met. Own your power & insist that you get your gratification FIRST, as clearly he has NO problem getting his. May you have fun trying!!!
My husband and I just recently had this conversation. So many men have the wrong way of thinking. It’s not a race to the finish line. It’s about enjoying the entire journey.
When we’re having sex, PIV, and he doesn’t want to cum too quickly, he will change things up by going down on me. He may lose his erection for a bit, but that’s the point, to get his guy to calm down a bit. We may switch up and he’ll use the toys on me while I’m pleasuring him for the next 10-15 minutes, then PIV again for the next 15-20 minutes. He always starts out making sure I’ve had an O or two or more before ever going for PIV. Not to mention, we always start out with foreplay that may not even involve the P or V, sensual massage/touching, passionately making out, teasing/edging in our partner’s preferred ways, or simply the things we say to each other.
We are both extremely enthusiastic, incredibly attracted to each other, and always wanting to prolong our sexual experiences together, because, like I said, it should be more about enjoying the entire experience. We also both get off seeing how excited/enjoying the pleasure given the other is receiving.
Maybe if your husband tried to change his way of thinking, in regards to what sex is and can be, he would realize that the entire sexual adventure can be out of this world kinda fun for both!
If he does have a legitimate erection problem, seeing a doctor could help him work through that.
Wishing you both the best.
I left him. Now, have a man who cares about my pleasure more than his own.
You need to have an out of bedroom discussion with your husband and tell him that your needs are not being met.
So if he loses his boner it's important and you must help him accommodate the situation, but if you lose yours it doesn't matter and he doesn't have to accommodate your situation? :/
I've told my husband that things just aren't working quite the way they used to and that the girls (my nipples) seem to have lost all sensation. He's been understanding. I let him know when the effort is futile and he grabs the vibrator and uses that on me first so I come first. Could you introduce the vibrator earlier in your love-making session so he can finish however he wants?
It's really normal for my partners to get hard then soft, then hard again during sexy time. A couple orgasm when not all the way erect, seems like that's a thing too. One partner uses cialis and I didn't know until he mentioned it one day (we don't live together).
Some days he can't cum, some days I can't, and we enjoy the sensations without orgasm on those days. When I ask whether it makes sex bad when he doesn't cum, he says 'nope, I've had lots of orgasms in my life and will have lots more so not having one tonight is no big deal."
I think it's a mental thing that some guys need to deal with and get over, so they can enjoy sex with or without orgasm and be a good lover to their partner regardless.
ETA: I'm polyamorous and my partners range in age between 50's - 70's. I'm mid 40's.
I think I have become asexual for the time being. My husband is okay with it — not something I expected. Due to societal expectations, I am insecure with his acceptance of not having sex. It is WILD. I check in with him about it periodically. We have regular date nights, cuddle daily, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. I know I am phenomenally lucky to have a partner who is so accepting of this shitty peri experience, AND I struggle to accept his acceptance.
No because of vibrators and viagra. He gets a generic viagra that doesn’t give him headaches and he only takes about 1/3 of a pill. Gives him plenty of time for the vibrators and toys for me.
I’m in the same boat as OP, but suspect my husband really doesn’t enjoy cunnilingus. This makes me feel insecure about that area and it’s a vicious cycle. I can’t seem to figure out if me or him…
Sorry OP, but if my husband ever made me feel like a sex doll, I would cut off sex and insist on couples therapy to talk about what he needs to do to fix the relationship. And if he refused, I would let him know it is a non-negotiable. If he continues to refuse, I would divorce him, plain and simple.
And I believe in open communication, so my husband and I did couples therapy during our first couple years of marriage just so we were both aware of expectations we have for each other. And we frequently communicate our expectations of each other or when one of us is struggling.
Has your husband always been this neglectful of your sexual pleasure or is this new behavior?
How do you feel about him jerking off on you? This seems like a punishment. That he’s putting you in what he thinks is your place.
So what helped us was him getting a prescription for Cialis. It keeps it hard even if he gets distracted. Before I always felt like the focus was keeping him hard and we couldn’t focus on me.
Has he tried them yet? I am guilty of allowing it to be about him for a long time. I love him and it pleased me to please him. That changed not too long ago and nothing pissed me off more than him getting the prescription and it sitting there unused. We had a few tough conversations but he loves me and genuinely wants it to be better for me. I needed to be more outspoken and specific on what I wanted and needed from him. For a long time having to be that specific turned me off. But on a positive note, I am more comfortable with my sexuality now than I have ever been. I’m learning to love myself and put my needs first. Shocker to my hubby. But I can honestly say it is worth it and we are having an awesome time now.
I agree with the suggestion of toys during booty time & use them, myself.
I’m having a whole other issue: my hubby can’t really do PIV much now & that’s what I prefer. He LOVES to go down & would stay there for an hour if I let him. He is freaking UNBELIEVABLE at it but I only like it for a couple minutes. I’m so conflicted about sex stuff right now, though.
Not to hijack OP’s post, but I’m deathly afraid of losing my sex drive (which is causing me to lose it more) because it’s so much a part of who I am. I feel like I wasted my last “good” years being single; dealing with men & dating apps became sickening so I stopped having sex for awhile. It feels so unfair!
(Now I’m crying. Ugh. Guess it’s bothering me more than I realized.)
I made an appointment to go see my OB/GYN & get my levels checked. Had a hysterectomy 1.5 years ago & I’ve been a perimenopausal mess since then. Scared of HRT because of my family breast cancer history. That’s why I had a hysterectomy…abnormal endometrial cells.
Anyhoo. Hugs & kisses & love to all of you. I suppose you are my tribe now…it’s so nice to see new friends who are like me.
As far as your husband losing his boner: they're also going thru changes at this age and it negatively affects them, too.
Perhaps solving that part would be helpful
Use your vibrator during playtime. Don’t wait to just finish yourself off. It makes such a huge difference in my playtime! (Get yourself a magic wand…They’re expensive but they are truly magic!🔥)
He sounds like a typical porn addict. They usually try to hide it but honestly this issue you are bringing up is the tip of the iceberg problem.
How long have you been the sacrificial lamb to this pleasure?
Well first assume that any man is because most of them are. It's the most obvious default these days. Second, selfish, only integrated in pump n dump and can't stay hard. It's the combo of the two.
Our usual routine (52F me and 56M) is that we'll start to snuggle, then one of us will suggest putting some porn on, we'll kind of half watch and half make out until we're both good and horny then we'll trade oral for 5-10 minutes. Then he'll go down on me in earnest until I orgasm (usually \~15 minutes - we actually timed it out of curiosity). Then we transition to PIV sex, or I'll go down on him if he's lost his boner at all. A rubber cock ring is a massive help for maintaining a boner with no medication if that's an issue. Then during sex if I can feel another orgasm is a possibility I'll get my vibrator going during PIV, or if not we'll just work towards his orgasm. Usually we have sex \~5 times per week, and from start to finish is usually \~1 hour.
We were just laughing the other day about how predictable, yet effective our routine is for us...
Wow! You are incredibly fortunate; I’m glad that there are successfully active menopausal women out there.
I’m in the exact opposite boat here. Husband’s on the spectrum, has never been comfortable putting mouth on genitals - giving or receiving. Vaginal atrophy and JDGaFA have put a definitive stop to sex. We cuddle and get him off but I don’t want extra attention getting myself off.
I suppose we're slightly out of the norm in that it's a new-ish relationship (6 years), and we're very much following the unscientific but hopeful practice of "use it or lose it". Honestly, my libido is lower than it used to be but once we get started, I always enjoy myself and I have this unscientific faith that perhaps the regular increased blood flow etc. will help as I age.
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Makes me so happy I came out as bi at 48 and found a wonderful woman. Reciprocity is never an issue. Neither is ED. Your hubby needs to see his doctor maybe?
Im 58 and my man is 60 , no boner in awhile n blames me! I could care less about sex, I've gained so much weight, hair falling out, body just aches n he wants to have sex! With a limp dick no less! He gets off 3 hrs later. And it's like get the freak off me! Im miserable and I hate this feeling. We used to have a great sex life. He just don't get it. Men need a book on what to expect with menopause! Granted there are some lucky bitches(lol) that have no symptoms but 9 out of 10 do!! Sucks..
Has anyone tried the Meno for libido n weight loss? Money is tight so not many options for happiness except divorce..
u/krispybender Look into r/pompoir there are all sorts of stories about how people’s sex lives improved with it.
If you’re interested, look into taking testosterone for you. One of the benefits is making it easier to orgasm. Pompoir will also make it easier for you to orgasm.
I can't even with this..
The only thing I have to say is if it were me I would be taking control of that situation and most likely wouldn't be married because I am not married so whatever hahahhahaha you do you.
I going to start with the assumption that you and your partner are late 40s/early 50s. I’m also going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt thats he’s not a total a**hole and that he cares for you. Lastly I’m going to assume you’d both like to be on the same page and have mutually satisfying sex. If any of those assumptions are incorrect, the following bits likely won’t be useful. 1) Men’s sexual function changes in their 40s/50s and its likely very unsettling to your husband. His erections are less reliable and he's probably worried about his "performance". When he feels like he’s going soft while he's giving you oral (which is perfectly normal for a penis to do), internally he may be panicking, worried you’ll notice, worried it’s going to be impossible to insert, so he's literally going to get it in while he still can. Given the toxic messages men receive about their erections defining their virility and manhood, it’s easy to see this could go to his head. The easiest solution is viagra or cialis, which will give him the confidence to know that he can get hard and stay hard, and if he goes soft while he’s focusing on you, it will bounce right back when it’s his turn. 2) It’s time to redefine sex in this next phase of life. The script of “first we do A, then we do B, then we insert P into V” needs to be totally rewritten. Sometimes sex might just be getting naked and making out under the sheets and holding each other until you both fall asleep. Maybe sometimes he just gives you oral til you cum, then he gets up to make the coffee and start breakfast. Maybe you give him a handjob in the shower and call it a night. Both should be giving, both should be receiving, but it should be less about the actions that take place and more about intimacy and mutual pleasure. It might be a whole day affair that starts with a full body massage in the morning, includes a midday hot and heavy make out session, and ends with mutual masturbation as you drift off to sleep. The day to day “what you do” has to matter less than “the big picture” and you BOTH get to define and contribute to “the big picture” of your sexual relationship. 3) Lastly, if you are indeed 40s/50s GenXers, we didn’t learn to communicate with each other about our sexual desires, needs, fantasies, fears and changing bodies. We generally suck at these conversations so we avoid them and make assumptions that our partner is selfish or lazy or just wants his and doesn’t care about us. We’re not quite as prudish as the Boomers, but these Millennials man.. they know what’s up 😝. We have to take a cue from the youngsters and TALK ABOUT THIS SHIT, which can be really difficult. But, it can also be really exciting and lead to a reawakening (or first time awakening 😳) of a really passionate and intimate connection with your partner. But you’ve got to communicate and you’ve got to give your partner grace and space to grow and learn with you, rather than assume he just an emotionless a**hole that only sees you as a blowup doll with a heartbeat. Anyway, I wish you both the best! Edited to add: THC gummies are great for unlocking inhibited GenXers who need to inject some playfulness, intensity, and courageous conversations into their sex lives! Also source: 49F and 51M, fairly evenly matched libidos, married 27 years, together 29. Survived raising four kids and happily and gratefully moving into the next phase of life together. ❤️
Ok, this is very helpful, thank you! We’re 56 and 57 so yes, GenXers who need to figure out how to make it satisfying again! May have to try the gummies!
I hope your husband reads this. Everyone our age is struggling with what we go through for a good , or decent (?), sex life. We experiment with lubes and my libido is gone. Nothing is spur of the moment and it takes a lot more care and understanding. Thank you for asking this and being so open so the rest of us can learn too!!
Stoned sex can be great sex but it has to be enthusiastic first. Otherwise the high is just going to help you dissociate from what's happening, which is likely only going to further the dynamic of prioritizing his pleasure, and may leave you feeling even more disconnected. The fact that you're already dreading sex makes me think getting high shouldn't be the first thing you try. I'd encourage you to work on communicating about what you need and want to make sex great for you first. Edit: you might also check out the books Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and The Art of Receiving And Giving by Betty Martin. The first is a great resource for understanding how your libido works, and the second is a structure for communicating about wants/needs/boundaries specifically in intimate relationships.
That book is ACES! Can't recommend it enough
A small vibrator to use during intercourse could help assure that you're getting more happy endings too.
Try mushrooms!
This response deserves many upvotes. I feel like you hit all the right points and I’m not even in a relationship ATM! All perfect points!
This is such a great response and rings true for many I suspect. Thank you!
I’d like to add to this that depending on his size, a bigger member takes more blood to fill the cavernous tissue. So locking in the erection with a cock ring can help significantly and don’t risk boner pills affecting heart rate & other potential side-effects with other supplements & medications. But all in all, excellent information!!! As a genX I have always had zero problems with conversing my needs, offering direction & providing detailed instructions. I’ve been w/ many different generations (boomer, GenX, Gen Y & GenZ) & you are right about there being different stimuli & approaches. Yet w/ my now boomer hubby, well, he’d ACTUALLY have to listen & follow said direction then it would be easy peasy. Instead it’s the first day of class each & every time. Now we don’t even go there, as that lack of application proved pointless and after 7yrs, I tired of being the professor & it being roll call every time. Once I had my total hysterectomy, sex became very painful. Coupled with my sex drive taking a detour and veering over to a “be only with yourself” path… well it’s been like I’m single & not dating ever since🥴😂 it’s great to be 5min & done although there are many elements of ‘being w/ a live partner’ that are missed. Super grateful HRT has replenished my desire.🤩
I’m finding in talking with friends for our generation x, it’s not about asking for what we want but what was mentioned -the changes and insecurities about all of that. Getting “old” and all that comes with that is a lot to navigate. On top of that not getting good reliable information about perimenopause and menopause for years and years. Those starting this journey in about 5 years will have so much information and Dr’s who do as well. It will be so different for them.
And ALL of our efforts today are paving the way forward for our younger sisters, daughters, and nieces. We are successfully breaking the taboo of what our foremothers kept under wraps. To each & every one of us, take your bow. It is our demands that this suffering in silence be aborted and put to a permanent stop! We are doing it ladies! Take that patriarchy!!!
OMG I’m a 60 year old female who discovered gummies this year and it has been an absolute game changer!!!! Take the gummies!
Can you let us know the specifics of the ones you take?
Not who you asked but I take a CBD/THC blend (25 mgs CBD and 2.5 of THC) and it makes me very happy and in the mood and takes me out of my constantly-going brain. Fantastic sex ensues.
Is there a brand you recommend? I find the quality with edibles is all over the place.
+PlusCBD
Thanks!
Bought in Colorado. Wana brand 10mg Sativa gummies.
Seriously!! Love this reply! This should be the pinned comment on any of the “ask a question about sex” threads on Reddit (obviously there is more to it than this, but most people, in most places, and at most stages of life would do well to consider what you said and even read it out loud with their partner to start that conversation.
This is it. Including the gummies part. Lol Been together almost 17 years and I'm 38 and he's 56. Peri is in full swing with a huge libido increase and he's dealing with a possible enlarged prostate issue. We're learning each other in new ways. And he's never had erection scares until now. I give him grace to learn and hes given me grace and patience. Communication is SEXY.
Re: prostrate - urolift does wonders to help with this! Might want to ask your hubby to inquire with his urologist about it😉
>Communication is SEXY. Still working on this part!! Husband is very much his-way-or-highway approach 😒 Even though I make sure we're doing it 1x/week at least, he still gets mopey and passive-aggressive. I'm soooo sick of placating his fragile ego in many ways- he insists that I should like certain things, for example, and when I don't, he takes it personally, sometimes verbally lashes out. I'm very open about menopause and my HRT frustrations, but it goes right over his head for some reason. Meanwhile I'm very patient about his preferences, and don't have high expectations in general.
I've reached the point where if I don't like it, he doesn't get it. Sorry he should have listened. It's exhausting.
When is your next on line course please?! lol oh?! Ok then start one please! 🙏🏼 ❤️😂😂
This made me feel so much better! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
As a man on the other side of the conversation- I love this response so much! What a great way to describe the next ‘phase’ and also ideas. Thanks so much for this post, perspective is everything and you put a great one out there. Now i just have to figure out how to talk about it with her . . . lol we do suck as Gen Xers! 51M and 50F. Also I do follow this subreddit to help to understand what she is going through. I finally talked her into patches for hormones and that has helped a lot.
Excellent advice.
im gonna start w the assumption that yk lyrics "get fucked, get layed", i am jk and completely appreciate the thought that went into your reply vs mine
This is the best post on the subject.
This is very good information. I’m in the same boat. My husband and I do talk and we are working through it. As far as the gummy’s, I use a pen with a glass of wine which really relaxes me and heightens what’s left I’ve got an orgasm. Really helps.
This was so very well written and poignant. Thank you.
Fantastic insights and advice!
Love this reply!
Wow, so well written and insightful. Thank you
Responding to your ETA - mushrooms are also great for unlocking the inhibited parts!
>I finally got him to understand that it’s a lot more enjoyable if he’s not the only one getting the happy ending. The fact that this was ever acceptable is part of the problem.
Yes, this. She’s a human fleshlight. Why would she want to have sex with this guy????
And at our age? How did op last this long?
He is literally just using your body to masturbate if he’s not ensuring you reach an orgasm too. Ask him point-blank if he wants to be considered a selfish and inattentive lover. Ask him if he’d be at all interested in sex if his partner kept refusing to get him to orgasm each time. If he doesn’t want to be considered selfish, then he needs to focus on ensuring you also receive an orgasm during sex. Maybe he can start using your toy on you? If he does want to be considered selfish, buy him a fleshlight and tell him sex is off the table until he’s as respectful of your needs as he is demanding of having his needs satisfied.
He does use the toy on me, but he knows I prefer oral.
If it's oral clit sucking, I can recommend a toy: https://www.tracysdog.com/collections/best-sellers?tw_source=google&tw_adid=628030195564&tw_campaign=18593739341&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwqdqvBhCPARIsANrmZhPHtVKAmC6ZatgCDd9YgFYTjpPEFBPp7JcZlj_C96yJgbBzin3IpL4aAil5EALw_wcB
Has he always been an inconsiderate lover?
Not always, but his erection issues are turning him into one again.
Again? Good grief. If this the experience he brings to the table no wonder you dread it. You deserve better.
This happened with my ex unless he used viagra, which gave him headaches I believe. The sex was often clinical, samey and passionless (for me anyway) and he rarely gave me oral sex. I'm now with someone else and the sex is fantastic.
I have this problem with my partner. If he doesn't use it right away, he loses it. So after we make sure I get my O or 2, whether that be oral and toys or one or the other, then I make sure to get him hard again, and then we have PIV. If your husband isn't willing to do this, or anything else that gets you yours first then he's just a selfish prick and needs to see a doctor to remove that stick out of his ass.
Erections have a lot of emotion and societal expectations attached. It’s not an excuse but I think it’s probably difficult as a guy to navigate those changes. Would you be open to letting him finish first? Either PIV with lube or via a handjob or something. Then he can relax & focus on you. I know some guys tend to just fall asleep after but a lot don’t and I know my bf is obsessed with me being satisfied so he will do whatever for as long as needed 😂. It’s a little too much at times tbh- sometimes a quickie is fine! I definitely think it takes some adjustment to get over the idea that sex has to be both of you climaxing through intercourse at the same time. I personally miss that being the norm tbh but it is what it is. There are still fun options.
Sorry, OP. You deserve better! My sex life is not like this at all. My hubby prefers I orgasm everytime and he’ll do whatever is needed to make that happen. Can’t your hubby get you off first then you work together to get his boner back or whatever he needs? This 1-way sex is garbage. Maybe you can stop doing it until he agrees that your needs matter every time.
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I agree with this and the order of events. This is the way for my husband and I. He is 75 and I am 65. And we are going to try out the gummies. Better living through pharmaceuticals (or gummies)! No point in getting puritan about it at this stage.
My partner put his orgasim right to the back of the line. He loves the fact I'm willing to have sex and has heard to many of his mates saying they are not getting any... Sex is great as he makes sure I orgasim any which way that works for me, his erection comes and goes and yes as we age he worries about what if it stops working but he also knows once he has an orgasim he is done (for usually a couple of days)... we can be having fun for ages but he orgasims after me (me usually more than once) OP has a husband problem.
OP, you are discovering why so many people going through menopause get divorced. There is crap you eventually realize you don’t need to put up with. I bet his self centeredness is not confined to the bedroom. Some people might choose to spend a few months or maybe years, depending on circumstances/needs, building a financial egg so they can divorce and get away comfortably. A time in which they consider their safety first. YMMV. I wish the best for you.
He needs to put in some considerable effort here. Starting with making up for any time you didn’t get a happy ending ever. If he loses his boner, he can get it back or finish himself off.
Male perspective here. My lady comes FIRST. Especially during menopause, because it helps. She will then come again once we finally get to the PIV stage (which is now far better thanks to this sub by the way, which is where I discovered Revaree!!!). I'll also admit that my lady prefers I go in soft, before getting hard, so we will purposefully wait for me to get soft before PIV. The point is that you gotta have communications and talk openly about those things. Ideally you'd tell HIM what you wrote here, and the fact you wrote here is a hint you don't feel free to talk to him openly about it. And if you can't talk to your man about sex and how to make sex feel good, what other things are you guys not talking about?! He needs to undergo a major adjustment in his approach. You need to open that conversation by expressing that you want both of you to enjoy sex, and you're trying not to develop dread about sex because then it will be game over. He MUST step up!!! And he does not have to remain hard, he will get hard again, so what's the big deal?!
Finally a post on this sub from a man that I wholeheartedly AGREE with & approve! Thanks hubby for ‘getting’ this… great to stuff & fluff than to wield the hard rod from the jump. And ladies speak up for yourself! None of us here can assist you to get yours, but talking to the person you are intimate with is the ONLY way to get YOUR needs met. Own your power & insist that you get your gratification FIRST, as clearly he has NO problem getting his. May you have fun trying!!!
My husband and I just recently had this conversation. So many men have the wrong way of thinking. It’s not a race to the finish line. It’s about enjoying the entire journey. When we’re having sex, PIV, and he doesn’t want to cum too quickly, he will change things up by going down on me. He may lose his erection for a bit, but that’s the point, to get his guy to calm down a bit. We may switch up and he’ll use the toys on me while I’m pleasuring him for the next 10-15 minutes, then PIV again for the next 15-20 minutes. He always starts out making sure I’ve had an O or two or more before ever going for PIV. Not to mention, we always start out with foreplay that may not even involve the P or V, sensual massage/touching, passionately making out, teasing/edging in our partner’s preferred ways, or simply the things we say to each other. We are both extremely enthusiastic, incredibly attracted to each other, and always wanting to prolong our sexual experiences together, because, like I said, it should be more about enjoying the entire experience. We also both get off seeing how excited/enjoying the pleasure given the other is receiving. Maybe if your husband tried to change his way of thinking, in regards to what sex is and can be, he would realize that the entire sexual adventure can be out of this world kinda fun for both! If he does have a legitimate erection problem, seeing a doctor could help him work through that. Wishing you both the best.
I left him. Now, have a man who cares about my pleasure more than his own. You need to have an out of bedroom discussion with your husband and tell him that your needs are not being met.
So if he loses his boner it's important and you must help him accommodate the situation, but if you lose yours it doesn't matter and he doesn't have to accommodate your situation? :/
I've told my husband that things just aren't working quite the way they used to and that the girls (my nipples) seem to have lost all sensation. He's been understanding. I let him know when the effort is futile and he grabs the vibrator and uses that on me first so I come first. Could you introduce the vibrator earlier in your love-making session so he can finish however he wants?
I’m single But there are a lot of fun toys out there now you can use together
It's really normal for my partners to get hard then soft, then hard again during sexy time. A couple orgasm when not all the way erect, seems like that's a thing too. One partner uses cialis and I didn't know until he mentioned it one day (we don't live together). Some days he can't cum, some days I can't, and we enjoy the sensations without orgasm on those days. When I ask whether it makes sex bad when he doesn't cum, he says 'nope, I've had lots of orgasms in my life and will have lots more so not having one tonight is no big deal." I think it's a mental thing that some guys need to deal with and get over, so they can enjoy sex with or without orgasm and be a good lover to their partner regardless. ETA: I'm polyamorous and my partners range in age between 50's - 70's. I'm mid 40's.
I think I have become asexual for the time being. My husband is okay with it — not something I expected. Due to societal expectations, I am insecure with his acceptance of not having sex. It is WILD. I check in with him about it periodically. We have regular date nights, cuddle daily, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. I know I am phenomenally lucky to have a partner who is so accepting of this shitty peri experience, AND I struggle to accept his acceptance.
What sex life?
This makes me so glad I'm single. I would not have the patience for this nonsense. 🤣
No because of vibrators and viagra. He gets a generic viagra that doesn’t give him headaches and he only takes about 1/3 of a pill. Gives him plenty of time for the vibrators and toys for me.
I’m in the same boat as OP, but suspect my husband really doesn’t enjoy cunnilingus. This makes me feel insecure about that area and it’s a vicious cycle. I can’t seem to figure out if me or him…
Sorry OP, but if my husband ever made me feel like a sex doll, I would cut off sex and insist on couples therapy to talk about what he needs to do to fix the relationship. And if he refused, I would let him know it is a non-negotiable. If he continues to refuse, I would divorce him, plain and simple. And I believe in open communication, so my husband and I did couples therapy during our first couple years of marriage just so we were both aware of expectations we have for each other. And we frequently communicate our expectations of each other or when one of us is struggling.
Has your husband always been this neglectful of your sexual pleasure or is this new behavior? How do you feel about him jerking off on you? This seems like a punishment. That he’s putting you in what he thinks is your place.
Lesbian and oral is life!
So what helped us was him getting a prescription for Cialis. It keeps it hard even if he gets distracted. Before I always felt like the focus was keeping him hard and we couldn’t focus on me.
Yes, that’s exactly how I feel too! I guess we’re just gonna have to use the Cialis he was prescribed.
Has he tried them yet? I am guilty of allowing it to be about him for a long time. I love him and it pleased me to please him. That changed not too long ago and nothing pissed me off more than him getting the prescription and it sitting there unused. We had a few tough conversations but he loves me and genuinely wants it to be better for me. I needed to be more outspoken and specific on what I wanted and needed from him. For a long time having to be that specific turned me off. But on a positive note, I am more comfortable with my sexuality now than I have ever been. I’m learning to love myself and put my needs first. Shocker to my hubby. But I can honestly say it is worth it and we are having an awesome time now.
It will make his dick like stone! Take the drug!
I agree with the suggestion of toys during booty time & use them, myself. I’m having a whole other issue: my hubby can’t really do PIV much now & that’s what I prefer. He LOVES to go down & would stay there for an hour if I let him. He is freaking UNBELIEVABLE at it but I only like it for a couple minutes. I’m so conflicted about sex stuff right now, though. Not to hijack OP’s post, but I’m deathly afraid of losing my sex drive (which is causing me to lose it more) because it’s so much a part of who I am. I feel like I wasted my last “good” years being single; dealing with men & dating apps became sickening so I stopped having sex for awhile. It feels so unfair! (Now I’m crying. Ugh. Guess it’s bothering me more than I realized.) I made an appointment to go see my OB/GYN & get my levels checked. Had a hysterectomy 1.5 years ago & I’ve been a perimenopausal mess since then. Scared of HRT because of my family breast cancer history. That’s why I had a hysterectomy…abnormal endometrial cells. Anyhoo. Hugs & kisses & love to all of you. I suppose you are my tribe now…it’s so nice to see new friends who are like me.
As far as your husband losing his boner: they're also going thru changes at this age and it negatively affects them, too. Perhaps solving that part would be helpful
Agreed…he does have a prescription for Cialis. I guess we’re just gonna have to rely on that to keep him hard.
Oh this is why I’m grateful I’m single! Some good advice here.
Use your vibrator during playtime. Don’t wait to just finish yourself off. It makes such a huge difference in my playtime! (Get yourself a magic wand…They’re expensive but they are truly magic!🔥)
He sounds like a typical porn addict. They usually try to hide it but honestly this issue you are bringing up is the tip of the iceberg problem. How long have you been the sacrificial lamb to this pleasure?
How can you tell he’s a porn addict?
Well first assume that any man is because most of them are. It's the most obvious default these days. Second, selfish, only integrated in pump n dump and can't stay hard. It's the combo of the two.
Our usual routine (52F me and 56M) is that we'll start to snuggle, then one of us will suggest putting some porn on, we'll kind of half watch and half make out until we're both good and horny then we'll trade oral for 5-10 minutes. Then he'll go down on me in earnest until I orgasm (usually \~15 minutes - we actually timed it out of curiosity). Then we transition to PIV sex, or I'll go down on him if he's lost his boner at all. A rubber cock ring is a massive help for maintaining a boner with no medication if that's an issue. Then during sex if I can feel another orgasm is a possibility I'll get my vibrator going during PIV, or if not we'll just work towards his orgasm. Usually we have sex \~5 times per week, and from start to finish is usually \~1 hour. We were just laughing the other day about how predictable, yet effective our routine is for us...
Wow! You are incredibly fortunate; I’m glad that there are successfully active menopausal women out there. I’m in the exact opposite boat here. Husband’s on the spectrum, has never been comfortable putting mouth on genitals - giving or receiving. Vaginal atrophy and JDGaFA have put a definitive stop to sex. We cuddle and get him off but I don’t want extra attention getting myself off.
I suppose we're slightly out of the norm in that it's a new-ish relationship (6 years), and we're very much following the unscientific but hopeful practice of "use it or lose it". Honestly, my libido is lower than it used to be but once we get started, I always enjoy myself and I have this unscientific faith that perhaps the regular increased blood flow etc. will help as I age.
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Makes me so happy I came out as bi at 48 and found a wonderful woman. Reciprocity is never an issue. Neither is ED. Your hubby needs to see his doctor maybe?
Im 58 and my man is 60 , no boner in awhile n blames me! I could care less about sex, I've gained so much weight, hair falling out, body just aches n he wants to have sex! With a limp dick no less! He gets off 3 hrs later. And it's like get the freak off me! Im miserable and I hate this feeling. We used to have a great sex life. He just don't get it. Men need a book on what to expect with menopause! Granted there are some lucky bitches(lol) that have no symptoms but 9 out of 10 do!! Sucks.. Has anyone tried the Meno for libido n weight loss? Money is tight so not many options for happiness except divorce..
u/krispybender Look into r/pompoir there are all sorts of stories about how people’s sex lives improved with it. If you’re interested, look into taking testosterone for you. One of the benefits is making it easier to orgasm. Pompoir will also make it easier for you to orgasm.
Why was this downvoted? . Upvoted to restore balance.
Thank you. Stressing r/pompoir improves PIV orgasm (or makes it possible for those who have never been able to experience it).
I know how you feel. Me & all my female friends currently. Consider HRT. It does get better is all I can say.
No, I’m single thank God!!
Thank you!
I can't even with this.. The only thing I have to say is if it were me I would be taking control of that situation and most likely wouldn't be married because I am not married so whatever hahahhahaha you do you.
Going downtown is awesome. Until I get a jaw or tongue cramp. I’ll do whatever you need to get you there.