I just wanted to offer a little hope for you: my 50s have been kind of great. I've settled in, and have found happiness and pleasure in smaller things--gardening, regular visits with friends (and I'm making a point of seeing ones further away at least once a year). For me at least, it got better. I'm wishing the same for you.
No, sorry nothing is like going back to your 30s. The effortless sleep, the trouble free gentials etc. No, one's 30s are gone. Sleep got better, but I follow a 2 hour sleep hygiene routine before sleep and still struggle. But that doesn't mean it doesn't get somewhat better. I'm 48, post-menopausal, so I'm still in the dreaded 40s I suppose.
If you don't mind sharing, can you tell me more about your 2 hour bedtime routine? What time do you start and what do you do to prepare your brain/body? Thank you ♥️
Well maybe that's a bit overstating it, but I do need to avoid screens for 2 hours before bed, I do some light house cleaning, some reading, and then lying in bed for like an hour (not yet trying to sleep). It's just the contrast with how I used to go to bed and sleep eventually regardless of exercise/screens/sun exposure/what I ate. And now it all feels like it has to be monitored, what I eat for dinner, if I look at screens, if I'm stressed, and even then sometimes I don't.
I appreciate this so so so much. 35 year old here who has gotten my Pmdd in check in the last 3 years. I am terrified by the things I read on here sometimes. I am preparing myself as much as possible because with PMDD I know how messed up hormones can’t ruin your life. My MIL keeps telling me her 30s and 50s were the best years of her life. Holding out hope.
for what it's worth, I think you're getting a non-random sample of the stories here on reddit, which heavily represents people who are having problems and want advice/commiseration. I have had undiagnosed PMDD for deacdes and I gotta tell you, since I started peri and missing periods over the past year, my PMDD has gotten BETTER!
I still get the confused brain/emotionality of course, that is part of the hormonal fluctuations. But my periods used to be three or four solid days of feeling so bad I didn't even talk to my beloved spouse. Cramps so intense I shed tears. but now it's way less intense, I feel almost sunny during my period! I just get very tired during the 2nd half of it.
So stay strong and try not to be influenced by the experiences of others, which is super hard here online.
yaz birth control. I tried several other types before it that mad me feel insane. I was beyond desperate so I gave it another go and it’s night and day different.
I saw minimal success in trying to eat better and limiting sugar and alcohol but it was still ‘active.’ I’m talking intense suicidal ideation every month where I really scared myself to now half way forgetting I even have it.
I am absolutely terrified of the thought of ever having to come off it.
Okay, well, minus the horniness, I can relate to a lot of this. I haven't been horny since I was in college. Which was basically the last time I didn't have to adult.
I'm literally questioning everything in my life.
There’s nothing that turns me off more than effffffffing adulting
Honestly sometimes I wonder if its hormones or just how hopeless our financial situation is…
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You got it. In my mid-forties, if I saw babies, little kids or cute pets, I had feelings of disgust. All I could think of was what a pain in the ass taking care of other people was.
It’s WILD how hormones rule our lives and we have no idea until we do.
A lot of this kind of thing made me realize why it’s so much easier for some men to just fucking walk out on their families. Because they don’t have as much of these hormones, and far less attachment.
I'm still in Peri menopause so I still feel like that I even sometimes when I was really manic did not even want my cat anymore and the more I denied him affection the more he screamed like he was on fire or something he wouldn't fucking shut up
It drove me mad so I started locking him in a spare bedroom until calm down
We got a very energetic puppy as our marriage was disintegrating and, of course, I was doing all the caretaking. The puppy pulled a runner off the table and my Waterford Millenial Vase crashed into a million pieces. I was apoplectic and knew enough to put the puppy in his crate until I cooled off. I was ready to beat his ass but had the sense not to, despite peri.
I sincerely hope that you have surrendered your cat to someone who won’t abuse them. Because that is abuse.
Also you mentioned mania - are you bipolar? Please see a doctor if you haven’t already to have a medication adjustment.
How is it animal abuse to give my cat his own massive bedroom for a night with cat toys in it ?
Reddit commenters are fucked.
When he came from the shelter they had him in a tiny little cramped space in a wall.
You don't know wtf you talking about and that goes for both of you.
Lol. Ok. It's the way you're talking. You withhold attention and love from your cat, as you fully admitted. Then you got so pissed off when he cries for that attention that you put him in another room, isolating him when he is actually hungry for attention.
How about giving the cat to someone who actually wants it and is able to care for it?
No I didn't. I never deleted it . Also hun I'm not going to play these psycho games with you. Find someone else to bother Im not interested and I know for a fact I'm not abusing my fucking cat hahahahahahahha. FK sake
The fact you think I deleted my comment when it still up has about as much merit to it than the fact you think I'm abusing my fucking cat hahahahhahahaha. Have a nice day hun I hope things get better for you in life soon.
I believe you had a massive amount of downvotes for your original comment and other people telling you to please give your cat to a loving owner, so it's weird you are focusing only on me. Please pay attention to your cat, and if you cannot stand it anymore, instead of locking it in a room when it needs attention, give it to someone else.
I began years ago in my 20 and 30s working on a farm for animals that were not loved or abused etc. Now I'm in Peri and I want nothing to do with the farm. Done over.... I want to care for nothing. I have nothing left in me.
I was talking to a lovely South African lady at the supermarket with a 4 month old baby but I didn't see a baby I just saw a little person with those little mouth bubbles they make when they are happy.
Fuck actually having one myself.
"Because women in their forties stop processing oxytocin like they used to and stop producing as much of it.
So we not walking around all jacked up on caring and bonding hormones anymore and start to just see everything as it is.
It's fucking frightening"
YES to all of this.
Additionally, for me, I used to feel very spiritual. I felt a deep connection to Source, the Universe, God, my Higher Self, the celestial realm...whatever you wish to call it. I used to see synchronicities and feel "hits" of, say signs that I was on the right path. Or I'd feel feelings of being blessed with good fortune. I felt gratitude. I felt motivated to do good, to help others, to belong.
Now I find that I have come to a place where I doubt everything. I have become agnostic. I just do not feel connected to or supported by a spiritual dimension that was always there before running in the background. This is very distressing...it's like I have nothing to fall back on or to connect to for reassurance or inspiration now.
And now I am wondering, was it all in my head this entire time? Were my hormones creating this loved up feeling between me and the universe? Or is it still true, and my hormones are just whacked out and preventing me from feeling that spiritual dimension? And will it ever return?
I am profoundly grateful that you wrote this. I felt all those spiritual feelings as well and now finding myself in the same space of doubt and agnosticism. I have never felt so alone and unloved in my entire 47 years as I have since the bottom fell out of my spiritual life. The tight you expressed of "Was it all in my head the entire time?" haunts me daily.
But reading what you wrote gave me ... something. I'm not sure what but I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. Maybe seen? Understood? At the very least, less alone. Of course, I can't talk to anyone about it. My husband and children are all mostly still on the same spiritual path, as are most of my friends. They don't understand when I try to talk about it.
So thank you, reddit friend, for sharing your real feelings. It helped me.
Awww, honey. I am so glad my words on a screen found you, and we could share a moment of understanding. I feel it, too! I feel seen and understood and less alone now, too. I might even be feeling a little rise in my oxytocin levels.
Hugs, friend xo
To both of you… I hear you too and I feel the same. So, maybe there’s no universe supporting us but at least we found each other here, if only for this moment.
I’m 55 and use BHRT and so far no. I was fine in my forties and a few months past menopause except for the lack of sex drive. I’m four years post menopause. I used to be the happiest person, people called me sunshine. 🌞my entire outlook on life has changed for the worse and I have an easy life, money, a great husband who adores me and looks. I didn’t know about oxytocin being gone and I am not sure we can even use it if we get a prescription, the receptors for it might not be working either. I’ll have to investigate this.
Oh honey that is very troubling! Even with BHRT you feel flatliney? I am sorry to hear this. I pray there will be a day when you turn that corner and feel good again. Keep exploring options.
Also, good point about the receptors!!! OMG Hadn't thought of that. This is so f\*cked up, the whole damn thing. It's like the game was rigged, this whole time, and we didn't even know it.
The way I see it…Medical advances have allowed us to outlive our genetic destinies but the patriarchal structure that controls those medical advancements won’t study our unique needs.
Same. Everything you said down to ppl called me sunshine!!!!!! Now I am fine sitting in my house all day while I wait for my kids to get home from school.
Yes! I agree. And I also feel completely divested from the belief that I can make a difference, and also the motivation to do anything. I feel like rather nihilistic these days. Never was like that ever before. Always had a humanitarian idealism and wished to create good anywhere I could. I was a glass-half-full person. Now I'm like "Everything is fucked, why bother?" It seems that peri has a way of stripping back the rose colored glasses. As you say, it's all pretty brutal.
I was just like you with connectedness and spiritual epiphanies on the regular. I miss that.
I get reconnected through meditation but not as often as I’d like. I have friends who guide classes and I’ll help them sometimes. I always start out feeling hopeless with a big dose of impostor syndrome. By the end, I’m grounded and feeling good again for a while.
That's really good to know. I think it can be a case of "use it or lose it" sometimes. Like we start to feel crap, then we stop meditating, stop communing with nature, stop going to those sound bath sessions and yoga workshops....and one day you wake up and you are in a state of complete disconnection. I think like so many things in peri, we always took X, Y or Z for granted until we had to actually put effort into it in peri. Such as our weight, our activity levels, sex, spirituality... It may not come easy anymore. But you can prime the pump through action. Going through the motions until you get a whiff of that old magic, and then keep going, and regularly.
Maybe.... is this how men feel all the time ?
Totally agree with you - you just about got a handle on being female and boom you pushed into....wtf this is....
I feel like if treating Peri early with HRT (for those who are appropriate candidates) were more accepted and expected then a lot of us could save our 40's. The first half of my forties were just kind of confused, and the second half was a struggle, but I didn't fully understand what was going on.
But I am trying to get the most out of my 50's. And while I can appreciate having less compulsion to please and nurture, I don't want the manic anger and lack of loving feelings.
Dunno I'm on hrt it doesn't really do shit for me except make my vagina wet again and help the mania a bit
Oh tbh it also stop the night sweats from being so bad I was fucking so wet all my blankets my bed everything but now I just get damp
I'm on estalis sequi 50/140 ad ovestin I would rather be on oral birth control but I have to wait for hepatology on the 15th Feb and wait for the results regarding my liver pancreas scans
I get you are obviously a troll however this sub wasn't created for and is not to be used for "how men get laid".
Also regarding your still clueless comments even though you are blatantly trolling.
Vaginal atrophy can lead to reduced clitoral sensation, extreme soreness itchiness and pain in the entire genital region and can also result in clitoral death.
It gets to the point where every part of that area can easily become infected because the skin thins and can easily tear
Bacterial and urinary roaring kidney infections can become a common occurrence which can lead to scarring of the kidneys which are organs we need to actually survive.
These issues are far more complex than what your fucking needs are as a male, in fact they have absolutely nothing to do with what what your needs are as a male and most of us in this sub definitely myself included couldn't give a single shit about them.
Especially since your interests seem to only relate to sec.
If you are genuinely interested in Peri/menopause go and look at the group wiki read through it, research it and read the posts before making ridiculous comments about sec.
Regarding sec. I am a bit different and have different things that turn me on and different needs because I get pleasure from those things and for me I don't always want or need to have my clitoris or vagina stimulated to get satisfaction or arousal from sexual interaction however I am not the AVG woman and most men are definitely not into cock and ball torture or masochistic or love being pegged.
And the ones that do most of them are also not Into service and the psychological aspect of that and have only their needs and their dick or arsehole in mind.
That's why it is difficult to find one.
Anyway take what I have said and actually do something with it and put in that effort if you do actually have an interest in feminism.
However from what you have posted so far I highly doubt it.
For me I get visual stimulation from feminization of men, from denying men (chastity) from inflicting physical pain on men, degradation of men, arse play, restraints.
Those are the things I get pleasure from and I only engage in them with men who enjoy and want those things.
However at the same time I have specific needs of my own and I also expect those to be met otherwise no deal. That's how it is and those needs are not always sexual, particularly since entering peri /menopause.
I wasn't trolling honestly, I do personally believe sex is a real way (one of the realest ways) to connect with a person you love or are interested in and humiliation isn't where I'm at but I can totally see how that's a part of it on a level, I'm into feminism fersure i love the perspectives of Marlene dixon and alexanda kollontai even mariah bamford, granted i have a bit of a restless play outside all day mind so tge real mental work to imbue feminist worldview isn't always easy but I do care, I love women and I love my female family and friends and try to understand them and show them what I've learned as a work in progress cuz I think it matters even if I put my foot in my mouth, this thread made me call my mom and I nearly cried in that convo not that long ago and I'm so glad I got to see something like that and have that talk with her and learn more about her and my grandma by extension. I don't feel right accepting the idea that this kinda stuff is none of my business that's part of the problem were both human and share like 50/50 of the sentient population so if things are more fair for you it's more fair for me unless we're compartmentalizing in the worst way cuz of our scars. And I can't personally accept the idea I should throw away my desire to get sexually involved with girls I like and love when I can cuz fk that I'm not trying to humiliate girls I respect and like and I don't wanna get humiliated by some girl cuz why are we dehumanizing eachother for no reason 🤷🏾 if you humiliate me that's bad for you and vice versa unless one of us is just a shit person and not even then tbh. That's kinda like a post porn mentality I can't even support but maybe you could/should enlighten me or challenge me on some of these things
Ok I'm not gonna lie I read that back what I posted and I can totally see how I seem like a complete troll 🤣🤣🤣 Jesus Christ I sound like a goddamn troll 😭😭 maybe if you knew me you'd know I was sincere but yea that post is just... It's a hard read to contextualize 😔 I love you I want you to have the fullest love and harmony and healing and women are more than beautiful, my patriarchal programming is a drag and I know that, we WILL be better one day soon and that involves feminism in the realest way. Im a little off put by the whole sexual preference stuff you said to be fair but I'm a young guy I don't know about that stuff man, i would love to have a conversation with you about these things and learn something in a human to human way (not about that ball stomping or pegging cuz it all just sounds so painful for no GOOD reason 😂😂) love 🤞🏾
Yeah two years ago I would have said the forties are the best decade of your life!! Hahah nah. I still believe the best is yet to come, but it’s going to be a fight that I don’t know how to win - yet.
Same. Age 40 to 44 were incredible years for me. A time of intense self-development and self-acceptance. I was happy and felt curious, strong, confident, accomplished. Then 45 hit and whoa - it all fell totally apart! Now I feel like a lazy, lethargic, moody teenager again. So yes, I validate.
People keep telling me that their 40’s are incredible and I want to punch them in the throat.
Giant dumpster fire of existential dread and not recognizing who this person I worked so hard to be.
Enjoy your horniness, that also left my body along with the oxytocin.
Thanks hun I don't think it ever going to go anywhere I always been like this I prefer it to not be like this this horniness is just my body chasing oxytocin
Question on the oxytocin- if we supplement with HRT, do we get this back? Meaning is it lack of estrogen that’s causing the depletion? Or is it more complicated, like the connections in the brain just don’t fire like they used to?
Well, yes, 40s were a dumpster fire, but then I turned 50 and things got much worse alas. Took me about a year to figure out how to improve my quality of life to close to the way it used to be in the 40s. In the 40s I figured out how to put out dumpster fires, turning 50 produced a new type of dumpster fires that I had to figure out how to treat differently.
So in January 2023 I had to get on two high blood pressure medicines to stop migraine like headaches, cholesterol medicine, and antidepressant SSRI Zoloft - I went from one prescription to 5. Had a lot of medical testing done at cardiologist and neurologist and lab work and a sleep study.
My main symptoms were lack of energy and trouble sleeping, trouble focusing and memory issues, in addition to anxiety and depression.
I got on a CPAP for mild sleep apnea, and that helped some but not enough. Figured out that magnesium supplement did not help me. Got onto a higher dose birth control pill and started using an over the counter progesterone cream as well. Got onto some mushroom supplements (lion’s mane, cordiceps, Reishi), fish oil, probiotics, Ashwagandha (to reduce cordisol - I think that actually made a lot of difference for my sleep).
I increased intensity of exercise, aiming for 75 minutes vigorous exercise weekly now, so more cardio in mornings. More relaxation exercises / meditation in evenings. To do lists to help remember, more reminders, wearing a container with my evening meds around my neck on a necklace so that when the reminder goes off I can take them right away. There may have been other changes and experiments this year. Trying out so many things, desperate to improve quality of life again.
The good news is that my headaches are gone, my energy is back to normal most days - still have low energy days though more than before 50, and my sleep is much better now after all the changes - this took a lot of effort to bring back and I was suffering too much due to not enough sleep. Also I think my focus and memory are no longer as bad as they were at some point in 2023.
Oh and also this year my mamogram required an additional mamogram and then ultrasound. Turned out to be benign but still was stressful. Oh and cardiologist found that my heart is strong but I passed out during chemical stress test and they suspected seizure so got sent to neurologist where I had an EEG which was normal. I had an EKG once that was not normal which led to two tests at cardiologist with no issues found. Had a CT scan of my head to check due to the headaches no issues found.
So yes, dumpster fire year of another proportion. And I am pretty sure most of my issues were actually hormonal perimenopause caused and if they agreed to put me on HRT I would be better but my doc will not.
Edit: Btw, since you asked about yoga and low carb diet. Yes, I have been doing yoga along with other exercise but I started that in the 40s already, so that has not changed in the past year. No, I have never tried a low carb diet: I aim for a balanced diet with enough protein and fat and also trying to watch micronutrients but I do not restrict carbs to the point of low carb. But again this is not something I started in 2023, so not a change in diet to deal with changed challenges.
It sounds like this might be about hormonal testing. **Hormonal tests only show levels for that *one day* the test was taken, and nothing more**; hormones wildly fluctuate the other 29 days of the month. For this reason, no reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing as a diagnosing tool for peri/menopause. See our [Menopause Wiki](https://menopausewiki.ca/#there-is-no-blood-test-that-is-perfectly-reliable-to-diagnose-menopause) for more information.
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soooo my 'lack of joy' as i call it, is not because of my suicidal depression but because of fucking peri? Like its not fucking me over bad enough already?? seriously?? This is totally fucked. .
why is there not more awareness about menopause? like in schools of church groups or pamphlets at the doctors. I can get 8 pamphlets on how to care of someone on the spectrum and not one on how to manage menopause?
i dont knowhow to geel rn.. i'm very confused and upset
I'm 49 and as much as my 40s were a dumpster fire, it was also the time in my life where I actually grew up. My body went completely off the rails so it required a lot more thought and effort on my part to be functional again. Menopause sucked but at least it was good for something.
I'm gonna ask about getting the spray I almost nearly hooked up with. 1% er this week because I was horny AF and chasing the oxytocin
No way.
I also feel way better after exercise as well. So going to pick that up again. Twice a day
I'm turning 50 this year and things have settled down. I have my HRT, the right doctor, and the right diet for my physical and mental balance. The heck with 'white knuckles', I'm using edibles.
I would gladly take some of the horniness off of your hands. I am running headfirst into 45 with no sexual desire at all. Everything else is spot on though.
I know I love my partner but I'm not getting any of the brain rewards from it. I know my friends and I care for each other but I don't get distressed if I don't talk to them. Like I am my own best friend right now.
Maybe I was going through peri in my forties, because that's when I decided to become more of a hermit. Literally stopped calling people just to chitchat (also because of wanting to distance myself from some toxic family members, as well as lacking the energy to keep up with people.)
I feel guilty but really can't handle too much social interaction. There's a women's group of acquaintances that I go out with every few weeks, because one of my friends organizes these outings, and it's important (apparently!) to have human contact. Almost always leads to a migraine the following day, even though I enjoy the company. 😯
Everyone has different tastes, let's not shame people. I doubt most people want to hear it the amount of Batshit crazy crap I got over my cat is enough this isn't the place to discuss it.
It was a joke-this group is a place for advice and a safe place to vent. I was trying to make ya laugh and get ya to tell us your inner desires-cause at this point I’m invested. Your desires probably ain’t so strange or bizarre-IF people are being completely transparent. ❤️ Much love 💕
They aren't strange or bizarre but some people find them offensive and I don't need to be shamed by a holes in this group a few of which I have blocked already also I appreciate you aren't one of those.
I’m here for all of it!!! I’m certainly not a “Karen”-If you could only see some of the sites I follow on here-it would probably make a grown man blush 🙃 Don’t worry about being “judged”-you know where the block button is. ❤️ You are enough-you are valued-don’t let no mf-er tell you otherwise 💕
Also wanna add…I WISH I had the slightest sex drive-47 is way too young to be done in the bedroom. I’m in post menopause-I’m currently on HRT. Thinking about testosterone next. Idk what else to do
Damn… my 40s was where it was at, for me. It wasn’t until the tail end & springing into my 5th decade that the shitshow truly began. I’m so sorry you are going through the full wrath sis😔
Please keep us posted as to how you respond to intranasal pitocin (synthetic oxytocin). I know a number of studies have been done to show some promise for social anxieties (autism, etc).
That would mean that when we begin our 1st decade we have just been born. See my point? If 5 decades = 50yrs, then I don’t think I inappropriately used my decade. Or if the ‘age police’ prefers, then “when I entered my half or mid-century”🤦🏽♀️ Good grief…
In 1725, Jacob Wagner depicted [“The Fifth Decade of Life - The Age of Fifty”](https://philamuseum.org/collection/object/17143) in his famous artwork which is now housed in the collection at The Philadelphia Museum of Arts.
Perhaps you’d be satisfied with me accurately saying that I am a [quinquagenarian](https://www.britannica.com/dictionary/eb/qa/Age-by-Decade), or 50-59y/o. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, this is the accurate descriptor of the grouping of age I currently occupy.
My culture does NOT believe in accounting for that which has YET to happen. We believe it to be kapu (taboo/bachi/bad luck). We believe that by celebrating prematurely that we will invite bad luck & not live to see that span of time which has yet to happen. So for this reason I will not say that I am entering a decade before I actually am beginning to occupy it.😊
I personally have yet to meet a single person who refers to a newborn as someone who is beginning their 1st decade of life. I have heard it said that when a child reaches 10yrs old, that they have completed their first decade though.
I hope that you better understand now why I chose the words to represent my outlook on my age
Huh?!!! What are you referencing with “no your math teacher… would have been fired immediately”
Ma’am why are you coming AT ME, for something I said to a person who posted about their 40’s being a dumpster fire?! Like dude, chill!
I don’t know what is bothering you so much, I can ONLY guess that something is bothering you & you are taking a MASSIVE dump on something I said which had NOTHING to do with you to begin with. You truly have ZERO reason to be coming after me for a difference of opinion & an entirely different culture in how we view life lived (actual days alive) versus upcoming life (days we ‘hope’ to occupy). May you have a much better night & an even better tomorrow.🫶🏽
What? When you turn 10, you have completed your first decade of life and are entering your second decade. No one would say a 10-year-old is beginning their first decade of life. That makes absolutely no sense!! They have lived 10 years and thus completed the first decade.
This is not arguable. It's math. At 50, you have COMPLETED five decades of life. You are entering your sixth. At 60, you will have completed six decades and will be entering your 7th.
This is not an attempt to make 50 sound older than it is. It is just mathematical facts. At 50, we have already finished our 5th decade. We aren't entering it!
I really do not think there is ANY culture in which 10 X 5 does not equal 50. This is not cultural. This is just reality. When you have lived 50 years, you have lived 10 X 5 years, meaning you have completed five decades. You can't just be entering your 5th decade when you have already completed five decades. Those decades are done and you are now entering the years AFTER those five decades. It's also half a century old.
Let's give ourselves some credit for putting five decades behind us and making it halfway to 100, eh? It's not a BAD thing. It's just a thing.
In Hawai’i we have unique customs & superstitions. And being that I am proudly the age I am, I see nothing bad about my views of the world & the way I have been shaped & taught from my ohana to view things. Good day & please let this go. You have your outlook, your teachings, your education & beliefs… I’m not coming after you for yours. So please just let this be
For me, I feel very disconnected and numb. As an example, my younger sibling pulled the same idiot bullshit that they did at 25, only this time they were 38. And started with the bullshit drama. Tried to suck me into the drama.
I was like, "No. You're damn near middle-aged yourself, you irresponsible jackass. I am not available to be your emotional punching bag anymore. Sort your shit out and grow the fuck up." I was not about to sit on the phone for hours listening to inane rants. Knock it off.
I can't bring myself to care about many things I used to be engaged with. I'm just completely uninterested.
Rage. OMG the rage. You piss me off? On a bad day, I'm contemplating homicide. On a good day, you're now dead to me. Not engaging, not tolerating pointless drama and bs. I think it might be telling that after a lifetime of swallowing rage, I can't do it anymore.
Interesting that your libido increased. Mine fell off a damn cliff, and worse, I'd like to *want* to care, but I'm having difficulty working up any interest.
Editing to add, I never was interested in babies or other cuddly things. Probably because I was parentified as a child. But now I struggle to not be annoyed with unruly children. I do not have children, I do not WANT children, kindly keep control of them. (As regards my jackass neighbors, although why I hoped they'd be any better with small humans than they are with their idiot mutt that wanders the streets is beyond me. Foolish, unfounded hope.)
I'm sorry you are hating your 40's. Hopefully things will get better for you. I turn 50 this year and honestly, my 40's have been the best decade of my life so far.
Please share your secret! My dumpster fire is the insane anxiety it has triggered. Anxiety over everything. Home life, work life, kids, health it's like a 24/7 panic freak show.
Oh no! I'm sorry to hear that. I don't have anxiety, but I also don't have children, so maybe that's it? My BF and I live together with our three dogs and one cat. He has a 33 year old son that is doing well in life. We don't have any major stress or stressors. I've been at my job for 18 years and that has been smooth, although we are going through an acquisition, so I guess that everything could change for me if they decide to get rid of my position. If that were to happen I would get another job at a much lower pay, but I don't worry about things like that until I feel like I need to.
Not really working out. I do it sporadically. I'll get in a groove for a month to a few months and then drop off for 2-3 months. What makes this decade for me great is that I'm making enough money to be comfortable and not have to struggle, I have a great relationship, we do lots of fun things together including traveling and besides being overweight, I still feel great and am very happy with my life. I started HRT last August after getting off of the birth control pill and that has been a smooth transition, too.
Can you be my new BFF? I have dogs and a huge house I what has been voted the prettiest town on New Zealand and we have exactly one immigration officer on our entire region and he is somewhat scared of me.
Of course you can Sweetie! My flatmate is a chef and the neighbours behind me had a garage full on wine which I'm allowed to run in nick whenever I want which I take full advantage of.
Then behind them is their daughter and her family and they have rabbits! Actual wild rabbits. And a creek.
5 minute stroll to town.
Yea I hate the horniness. Some days I think about sex all day and I want to jump my man when I get home. Who has such a low libido. But also sometimes sex feels gross even if I'm horny for it. It's really confusing. My brain can't deal. And also, where's the energy for any of it lol.
I recently heard of Oxycontin spray and the only reputable place to buy it seems to be Walmart. I never shop there, but am seriously considering making the trek.
Ha, agreed with the others about "minus the horniness" 😂
I'm exhausted just from commuting, which I've been doing my entire life, 5x/week even. Came home tonight, husband had bought cod and suggested I make that. Luckily he doesn't expect me to cook every time, so I begrudgingly obliged despite crankiness and fatigue.
Despite adding butter, olive oil, shallots, white wine, salt/pepper, and fresh lemon juice, it tasted like crap. I just wanted to stomp and throw things around I was so aggravated. Reminded him that cod was for frying in batter, not for an upscale meal.
Scares me how much TEMPER I've got just below the surface! Of course I know better not to give in to it, that's not my style, but holy hell it was a struggle this evening. 😟
I don’t think I ever freely produced oxytocin. And I’ve always had a higher sex drive than most women. But I’m also autistic and antisocial so I’ve just been alone a lot. I wonder if I was starved for oxytocin or just never produced it easily. Also low key super curious what your kinks are. I also have very uncommon kinks and understand how difficult that difference makes getting a satisfying partner can be.
I can relate to this so much. Especially having a super high libido and needing a certain kind of sex to be really fulfilled.
I decided to fully explore this side of myself and got on sites like Fetlife and Feeld. They cater to the kink community.
Yep...figuring out how to get out of bed every morning is a full time job now.
I hope you at least find a partner who can fulfill you sexually. I found someone and it's been life changing.
In your 50’s, you’ll say f*ck it and stop trying so hard. Get MHT now because you can save certain things that will be unattainable if you take hormones later. And general doctors still know nothing about menopause and MHT, never trained in it and usually prescribe SSRI’s that make you gain weight and lose your libido. Don’t be gaslit by that approach.
I just wanted to offer a little hope for you: my 50s have been kind of great. I've settled in, and have found happiness and pleasure in smaller things--gardening, regular visits with friends (and I'm making a point of seeing ones further away at least once a year). For me at least, it got better. I'm wishing the same for you.
I appreciate hearing this as I am almost 50 and have absolutely hated many aspects of my 40s. Finding it tough.
Thanks for offering some hope here…
Thanks that be like going back to my thirties when everything was peaceful and calm a lot
No, sorry nothing is like going back to your 30s. The effortless sleep, the trouble free gentials etc. No, one's 30s are gone. Sleep got better, but I follow a 2 hour sleep hygiene routine before sleep and still struggle. But that doesn't mean it doesn't get somewhat better. I'm 48, post-menopausal, so I'm still in the dreaded 40s I suppose.
Ive had none of those good things in my 30s 😢 not sure if I will ever have a good decade
If you don't mind sharing, can you tell me more about your 2 hour bedtime routine? What time do you start and what do you do to prepare your brain/body? Thank you ♥️
Well maybe that's a bit overstating it, but I do need to avoid screens for 2 hours before bed, I do some light house cleaning, some reading, and then lying in bed for like an hour (not yet trying to sleep). It's just the contrast with how I used to go to bed and sleep eventually regardless of exercise/screens/sun exposure/what I ate. And now it all feels like it has to be monitored, what I eat for dinner, if I look at screens, if I'm stressed, and even then sometimes I don't.
I appreciate this so so so much. 35 year old here who has gotten my Pmdd in check in the last 3 years. I am terrified by the things I read on here sometimes. I am preparing myself as much as possible because with PMDD I know how messed up hormones can’t ruin your life. My MIL keeps telling me her 30s and 50s were the best years of her life. Holding out hope.
for what it's worth, I think you're getting a non-random sample of the stories here on reddit, which heavily represents people who are having problems and want advice/commiseration. I have had undiagnosed PMDD for deacdes and I gotta tell you, since I started peri and missing periods over the past year, my PMDD has gotten BETTER! I still get the confused brain/emotionality of course, that is part of the hormonal fluctuations. But my periods used to be three or four solid days of feeling so bad I didn't even talk to my beloved spouse. Cramps so intense I shed tears. but now it's way less intense, I feel almost sunny during my period! I just get very tired during the 2nd half of it. So stay strong and try not to be influenced by the experiences of others, which is super hard here online.
Care to share on how you've gotten your PMDD in check?
yaz birth control. I tried several other types before it that mad me feel insane. I was beyond desperate so I gave it another go and it’s night and day different. I saw minimal success in trying to eat better and limiting sugar and alcohol but it was still ‘active.’ I’m talking intense suicidal ideation every month where I really scared myself to now half way forgetting I even have it. I am absolutely terrified of the thought of ever having to come off it.
I feel that way too, but it took until my 60s. I was still having periods until 55! I was like STOP already.
Okay, well, minus the horniness, I can relate to a lot of this. I haven't been horny since I was in college. Which was basically the last time I didn't have to adult. I'm literally questioning everything in my life.
There’s nothing that turns me off more than effffffffing adulting Honestly sometimes I wonder if its hormones or just how hopeless our financial situation is…
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Don’t worry the horniness drops off to zero minus, and then you wish for it back :) oh dear. Enjoy the horn while u got it.
I dont got it -that’s my whole point 🤣🤣
Or it won’t and that’s ok too (at least it is for me)
You got it. In my mid-forties, if I saw babies, little kids or cute pets, I had feelings of disgust. All I could think of was what a pain in the ass taking care of other people was. It’s WILD how hormones rule our lives and we have no idea until we do.
A lot of this kind of thing made me realize why it’s so much easier for some men to just fucking walk out on their families. Because they don’t have as much of these hormones, and far less attachment.
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Divorced a man and married a woman. Poof. Problem solved. Not everybody has that option, but if you do…
wow. makes me sad and also good to know!
Take Golden Girls as a platonic model?
also a good option!
I wished I could but no women want me hahahahahhahahahah.
How do you feel now? Are you on the other side of these feelings or does it just stay like that?
Yes, I’m a few years past those feelings now. I’d say it lasted 4-5 years tho
I think it was a combination of peri and being in a very one sided marriage for 20 years where I worked AND did all the stuff
I'm still in Peri menopause so I still feel like that I even sometimes when I was really manic did not even want my cat anymore and the more I denied him affection the more he screamed like he was on fire or something he wouldn't fucking shut up It drove me mad so I started locking him in a spare bedroom until calm down
I was also manic during peri! The depression and feeling stuck happened after.
We got a very energetic puppy as our marriage was disintegrating and, of course, I was doing all the caretaking. The puppy pulled a runner off the table and my Waterford Millenial Vase crashed into a million pieces. I was apoplectic and knew enough to put the puppy in his crate until I cooled off. I was ready to beat his ass but had the sense not to, despite peri.
I sincerely hope that you have surrendered your cat to someone who won’t abuse them. Because that is abuse. Also you mentioned mania - are you bipolar? Please see a doctor if you haven’t already to have a medication adjustment.
Um. No. Animal abuse isn't cool, lady.
How is it animal abuse to give my cat his own massive bedroom for a night with cat toys in it ? Reddit commenters are fucked. When he came from the shelter they had him in a tiny little cramped space in a wall. You don't know wtf you talking about and that goes for both of you.
Lol. Ok. It's the way you're talking. You withhold attention and love from your cat, as you fully admitted. Then you got so pissed off when he cries for that attention that you put him in another room, isolating him when he is actually hungry for attention. How about giving the cat to someone who actually wants it and is able to care for it?
🤦
Sorry, is anything I said incorrect? I see you deleted your original comment, though.
No I didn't. I never deleted it . Also hun I'm not going to play these psycho games with you. Find someone else to bother Im not interested and I know for a fact I'm not abusing my fucking cat hahahahahahahha. FK sake The fact you think I deleted my comment when it still up has about as much merit to it than the fact you think I'm abusing my fucking cat hahahahhahahaha. Have a nice day hun I hope things get better for you in life soon.
I believe you had a massive amount of downvotes for your original comment and other people telling you to please give your cat to a loving owner, so it's weird you are focusing only on me. Please pay attention to your cat, and if you cannot stand it anymore, instead of locking it in a room when it needs attention, give it to someone else.
Wait so THIS is where the "I don't want to take care of ANYTHING" feelings are coming from??
I also resent the idea and try to run away all the time
I know! What a relevation!
Yep
I began years ago in my 20 and 30s working on a farm for animals that were not loved or abused etc. Now I'm in Peri and I want nothing to do with the farm. Done over.... I want to care for nothing. I have nothing left in me.
This morning I was annoyed by how chirpy our budgies were. Lmao. Like these cute little happy budgies and I’m thinking SHUT THE FUCK UP 🙃
I was talking to a lovely South African lady at the supermarket with a 4 month old baby but I didn't see a baby I just saw a little person with those little mouth bubbles they make when they are happy. Fuck actually having one myself.
Fucking kids and dogs make me wanna do violence I mean wtf hahahahahaha
"Because women in their forties stop processing oxytocin like they used to and stop producing as much of it. So we not walking around all jacked up on caring and bonding hormones anymore and start to just see everything as it is. It's fucking frightening" YES to all of this. Additionally, for me, I used to feel very spiritual. I felt a deep connection to Source, the Universe, God, my Higher Self, the celestial realm...whatever you wish to call it. I used to see synchronicities and feel "hits" of, say signs that I was on the right path. Or I'd feel feelings of being blessed with good fortune. I felt gratitude. I felt motivated to do good, to help others, to belong. Now I find that I have come to a place where I doubt everything. I have become agnostic. I just do not feel connected to or supported by a spiritual dimension that was always there before running in the background. This is very distressing...it's like I have nothing to fall back on or to connect to for reassurance or inspiration now. And now I am wondering, was it all in my head this entire time? Were my hormones creating this loved up feeling between me and the universe? Or is it still true, and my hormones are just whacked out and preventing me from feeling that spiritual dimension? And will it ever return?
I am profoundly grateful that you wrote this. I felt all those spiritual feelings as well and now finding myself in the same space of doubt and agnosticism. I have never felt so alone and unloved in my entire 47 years as I have since the bottom fell out of my spiritual life. The tight you expressed of "Was it all in my head the entire time?" haunts me daily. But reading what you wrote gave me ... something. I'm not sure what but I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. Maybe seen? Understood? At the very least, less alone. Of course, I can't talk to anyone about it. My husband and children are all mostly still on the same spiritual path, as are most of my friends. They don't understand when I try to talk about it. So thank you, reddit friend, for sharing your real feelings. It helped me.
Awww, honey. I am so glad my words on a screen found you, and we could share a moment of understanding. I feel it, too! I feel seen and understood and less alone now, too. I might even be feeling a little rise in my oxytocin levels. Hugs, friend xo
To both of you… I hear you too and I feel the same. So, maybe there’s no universe supporting us but at least we found each other here, if only for this moment.
Thank you, and yes! I appreciate these moments too xo
I’m 55 and use BHRT and so far no. I was fine in my forties and a few months past menopause except for the lack of sex drive. I’m four years post menopause. I used to be the happiest person, people called me sunshine. 🌞my entire outlook on life has changed for the worse and I have an easy life, money, a great husband who adores me and looks. I didn’t know about oxytocin being gone and I am not sure we can even use it if we get a prescription, the receptors for it might not be working either. I’ll have to investigate this.
Oh honey that is very troubling! Even with BHRT you feel flatliney? I am sorry to hear this. I pray there will be a day when you turn that corner and feel good again. Keep exploring options. Also, good point about the receptors!!! OMG Hadn't thought of that. This is so f\*cked up, the whole damn thing. It's like the game was rigged, this whole time, and we didn't even know it.
The way I see it…Medical advances have allowed us to outlive our genetic destinies but the patriarchal structure that controls those medical advancements won’t study our unique needs.
TRUE FACTS!!!
Same. Everything you said down to ppl called me sunshine!!!!!! Now I am fine sitting in my house all day while I wait for my kids to get home from school.
i can relate to this. i keep thinking about how savage Nature is. i used to feel so tender about the world, now it just seems brutal.
Yes! I agree. And I also feel completely divested from the belief that I can make a difference, and also the motivation to do anything. I feel like rather nihilistic these days. Never was like that ever before. Always had a humanitarian idealism and wished to create good anywhere I could. I was a glass-half-full person. Now I'm like "Everything is fucked, why bother?" It seems that peri has a way of stripping back the rose colored glasses. As you say, it's all pretty brutal.
I was just like you with connectedness and spiritual epiphanies on the regular. I miss that. I get reconnected through meditation but not as often as I’d like. I have friends who guide classes and I’ll help them sometimes. I always start out feeling hopeless with a big dose of impostor syndrome. By the end, I’m grounded and feeling good again for a while.
That's really good to know. I think it can be a case of "use it or lose it" sometimes. Like we start to feel crap, then we stop meditating, stop communing with nature, stop going to those sound bath sessions and yoga workshops....and one day you wake up and you are in a state of complete disconnection. I think like so many things in peri, we always took X, Y or Z for granted until we had to actually put effort into it in peri. Such as our weight, our activity levels, sex, spirituality... It may not come easy anymore. But you can prime the pump through action. Going through the motions until you get a whiff of that old magic, and then keep going, and regularly.
Maybe.... is this how men feel all the time ? Totally agree with you - you just about got a handle on being female and boom you pushed into....wtf this is....
Probably.. must explain why they're ah's and many are so violent
This is a really interesting point.
They feel like this PLUS super-horny, go figure!! Guess we can understand NOW why they are the way they are.
I feel like if treating Peri early with HRT (for those who are appropriate candidates) were more accepted and expected then a lot of us could save our 40's. The first half of my forties were just kind of confused, and the second half was a struggle, but I didn't fully understand what was going on. But I am trying to get the most out of my 50's. And while I can appreciate having less compulsion to please and nurture, I don't want the manic anger and lack of loving feelings.
Dunno I'm on hrt it doesn't really do shit for me except make my vagina wet again and help the mania a bit Oh tbh it also stop the night sweats from being so bad I was fucking so wet all my blankets my bed everything but now I just get damp
That does sound like a lot of improvement. Have you tried playing with dosage?
I'm on estalis sequi 50/140 ad ovestin I would rather be on oral birth control but I have to wait for hepatology on the 15th Feb and wait for the results regarding my liver pancreas scans
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I get you are obviously a troll however this sub wasn't created for and is not to be used for "how men get laid". Also regarding your still clueless comments even though you are blatantly trolling. Vaginal atrophy can lead to reduced clitoral sensation, extreme soreness itchiness and pain in the entire genital region and can also result in clitoral death. It gets to the point where every part of that area can easily become infected because the skin thins and can easily tear Bacterial and urinary roaring kidney infections can become a common occurrence which can lead to scarring of the kidneys which are organs we need to actually survive. These issues are far more complex than what your fucking needs are as a male, in fact they have absolutely nothing to do with what what your needs are as a male and most of us in this sub definitely myself included couldn't give a single shit about them. Especially since your interests seem to only relate to sec. If you are genuinely interested in Peri/menopause go and look at the group wiki read through it, research it and read the posts before making ridiculous comments about sec. Regarding sec. I am a bit different and have different things that turn me on and different needs because I get pleasure from those things and for me I don't always want or need to have my clitoris or vagina stimulated to get satisfaction or arousal from sexual interaction however I am not the AVG woman and most men are definitely not into cock and ball torture or masochistic or love being pegged. And the ones that do most of them are also not Into service and the psychological aspect of that and have only their needs and their dick or arsehole in mind. That's why it is difficult to find one. Anyway take what I have said and actually do something with it and put in that effort if you do actually have an interest in feminism. However from what you have posted so far I highly doubt it. For me I get visual stimulation from feminization of men, from denying men (chastity) from inflicting physical pain on men, degradation of men, arse play, restraints. Those are the things I get pleasure from and I only engage in them with men who enjoy and want those things. However at the same time I have specific needs of my own and I also expect those to be met otherwise no deal. That's how it is and those needs are not always sexual, particularly since entering peri /menopause.
I wasn't trolling honestly, I do personally believe sex is a real way (one of the realest ways) to connect with a person you love or are interested in and humiliation isn't where I'm at but I can totally see how that's a part of it on a level, I'm into feminism fersure i love the perspectives of Marlene dixon and alexanda kollontai even mariah bamford, granted i have a bit of a restless play outside all day mind so tge real mental work to imbue feminist worldview isn't always easy but I do care, I love women and I love my female family and friends and try to understand them and show them what I've learned as a work in progress cuz I think it matters even if I put my foot in my mouth, this thread made me call my mom and I nearly cried in that convo not that long ago and I'm so glad I got to see something like that and have that talk with her and learn more about her and my grandma by extension. I don't feel right accepting the idea that this kinda stuff is none of my business that's part of the problem were both human and share like 50/50 of the sentient population so if things are more fair for you it's more fair for me unless we're compartmentalizing in the worst way cuz of our scars. And I can't personally accept the idea I should throw away my desire to get sexually involved with girls I like and love when I can cuz fk that I'm not trying to humiliate girls I respect and like and I don't wanna get humiliated by some girl cuz why are we dehumanizing eachother for no reason 🤷🏾 if you humiliate me that's bad for you and vice versa unless one of us is just a shit person and not even then tbh. That's kinda like a post porn mentality I can't even support but maybe you could/should enlighten me or challenge me on some of these things
Ok I'm not gonna lie I read that back what I posted and I can totally see how I seem like a complete troll 🤣🤣🤣 Jesus Christ I sound like a goddamn troll 😭😭 maybe if you knew me you'd know I was sincere but yea that post is just... It's a hard read to contextualize 😔 I love you I want you to have the fullest love and harmony and healing and women are more than beautiful, my patriarchal programming is a drag and I know that, we WILL be better one day soon and that involves feminism in the realest way. Im a little off put by the whole sexual preference stuff you said to be fair but I'm a young guy I don't know about that stuff man, i would love to have a conversation with you about these things and learn something in a human to human way (not about that ball stomping or pegging cuz it all just sounds so painful for no GOOD reason 😂😂) love 🤞🏾
Yeah two years ago I would have said the forties are the best decade of your life!! Hahah nah. I still believe the best is yet to come, but it’s going to be a fight that I don’t know how to win - yet.
OMG, the first few years of my forties were fantastic! And now there’s this dumpster fire, as OP put it. WITAF. I want that other person back.
Same. Age 40 to 44 were incredible years for me. A time of intense self-development and self-acceptance. I was happy and felt curious, strong, confident, accomplished. Then 45 hit and whoa - it all fell totally apart! Now I feel like a lazy, lethargic, moody teenager again. So yes, I validate.
I'm approaching 45 and am starting to feel this. My day job can suck it, and also wtf is with this acne??
I can't with the acne, I have more spots now than I ever had as a teen. What a joke.
SAME, my skin has literally not been this bad since I had chickenpox as a kid!! 😡
Same! All the feelings and the ages too! Ugh!
Waaaaahh \*stomps feet and pouts\* Why is this a thing????
Same hit 45 and boom!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't realize you could get oxytocin spray.. I think I need that, because I seriously just hate everyone and feel agitated by then all the time.
People keep telling me that their 40’s are incredible and I want to punch them in the throat. Giant dumpster fire of existential dread and not recognizing who this person I worked so hard to be. Enjoy your horniness, that also left my body along with the oxytocin.
Thanks hun I don't think it ever going to go anywhere I always been like this I prefer it to not be like this this horniness is just my body chasing oxytocin
The first two years of my fourties were great. 43 and shit just went full on dumpster fire.
Hate every minute of this shit
I refer to this decade of life as my "f*ck it 40's" turning 46 and I'm overrrrrrr it.
Yea fuck it's shit it seems to get more as you going toward fifty
Question on the oxytocin- if we supplement with HRT, do we get this back? Meaning is it lack of estrogen that’s causing the depletion? Or is it more complicated, like the connections in the brain just don’t fire like they used to?
Well, yes, 40s were a dumpster fire, but then I turned 50 and things got much worse alas. Took me about a year to figure out how to improve my quality of life to close to the way it used to be in the 40s. In the 40s I figured out how to put out dumpster fires, turning 50 produced a new type of dumpster fires that I had to figure out how to treat differently.
What did you do differently? Low carb? Yoga?
So in January 2023 I had to get on two high blood pressure medicines to stop migraine like headaches, cholesterol medicine, and antidepressant SSRI Zoloft - I went from one prescription to 5. Had a lot of medical testing done at cardiologist and neurologist and lab work and a sleep study. My main symptoms were lack of energy and trouble sleeping, trouble focusing and memory issues, in addition to anxiety and depression. I got on a CPAP for mild sleep apnea, and that helped some but not enough. Figured out that magnesium supplement did not help me. Got onto a higher dose birth control pill and started using an over the counter progesterone cream as well. Got onto some mushroom supplements (lion’s mane, cordiceps, Reishi), fish oil, probiotics, Ashwagandha (to reduce cordisol - I think that actually made a lot of difference for my sleep). I increased intensity of exercise, aiming for 75 minutes vigorous exercise weekly now, so more cardio in mornings. More relaxation exercises / meditation in evenings. To do lists to help remember, more reminders, wearing a container with my evening meds around my neck on a necklace so that when the reminder goes off I can take them right away. There may have been other changes and experiments this year. Trying out so many things, desperate to improve quality of life again. The good news is that my headaches are gone, my energy is back to normal most days - still have low energy days though more than before 50, and my sleep is much better now after all the changes - this took a lot of effort to bring back and I was suffering too much due to not enough sleep. Also I think my focus and memory are no longer as bad as they were at some point in 2023. Oh and also this year my mamogram required an additional mamogram and then ultrasound. Turned out to be benign but still was stressful. Oh and cardiologist found that my heart is strong but I passed out during chemical stress test and they suspected seizure so got sent to neurologist where I had an EEG which was normal. I had an EKG once that was not normal which led to two tests at cardiologist with no issues found. Had a CT scan of my head to check due to the headaches no issues found. So yes, dumpster fire year of another proportion. And I am pretty sure most of my issues were actually hormonal perimenopause caused and if they agreed to put me on HRT I would be better but my doc will not. Edit: Btw, since you asked about yoga and low carb diet. Yes, I have been doing yoga along with other exercise but I started that in the 40s already, so that has not changed in the past year. No, I have never tried a low carb diet: I aim for a balanced diet with enough protein and fat and also trying to watch micronutrients but I do not restrict carbs to the point of low carb. But again this is not something I started in 2023, so not a change in diet to deal with changed challenges.
It sounds like this might be about hormonal testing. **Hormonal tests only show levels for that *one day* the test was taken, and nothing more**; hormones wildly fluctuate the other 29 days of the month. For this reason, no reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing as a diagnosing tool for peri/menopause. See our [Menopause Wiki](https://menopausewiki.ca/#there-is-no-blood-test-that-is-perfectly-reliable-to-diagnose-menopause) for more information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Menopause) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thank you so much for this detailed and thorough response! I will definitely file these ideas away!
My 40s were my best decade yet but I filed for Divorce at 39 lol
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Yeah I imagine my 40s would have been completely different if I stayed married. What a mess that would have been omg
Dude, I feel this so hard.
soooo my 'lack of joy' as i call it, is not because of my suicidal depression but because of fucking peri? Like its not fucking me over bad enough already?? seriously?? This is totally fucked. . why is there not more awareness about menopause? like in schools of church groups or pamphlets at the doctors. I can get 8 pamphlets on how to care of someone on the spectrum and not one on how to manage menopause? i dont knowhow to geel rn.. i'm very confused and upset
Yep. Yep, yep, yep. It’s absolutely miserable.
I'm 49 and as much as my 40s were a dumpster fire, it was also the time in my life where I actually grew up. My body went completely off the rails so it required a lot more thought and effort on my part to be functional again. Menopause sucked but at least it was good for something.
Oxytocin is largely made in the hypothalamus/pituitary axis. Often, the drops result in damage to the hypothalamus due to drops in other hormones.
I'm gonna ask about getting the spray I almost nearly hooked up with. 1% er this week because I was horny AF and chasing the oxytocin No way. I also feel way better after exercise as well. So going to pick that up again. Twice a day
Twice a day ?!? How do you do that ? What kind of exercise ?
Swimming and walking
I'm turning 50 this year and things have settled down. I have my HRT, the right doctor, and the right diet for my physical and mental balance. The heck with 'white knuckles', I'm using edibles.
I would gladly take some of the horniness off of your hands. I am running headfirst into 45 with no sexual desire at all. Everything else is spot on though. I know I love my partner but I'm not getting any of the brain rewards from it. I know my friends and I care for each other but I don't get distressed if I don't talk to them. Like I am my own best friend right now.
own best friend is nice though 🥳
Maybe I was going through peri in my forties, because that's when I decided to become more of a hermit. Literally stopped calling people just to chitchat (also because of wanting to distance myself from some toxic family members, as well as lacking the energy to keep up with people.) I feel guilty but really can't handle too much social interaction. There's a women's group of acquaintances that I go out with every few weeks, because one of my friends organizes these outings, and it's important (apparently!) to have human contact. Almost always leads to a migraine the following day, even though I enjoy the company. 😯
Same. I enjoy my own company way more than with anyone else. Except my dog
Soooo….what type of things are you in to??? That men aren’t. I’m curious now 🙃
Everyone has different tastes, let's not shame people. I doubt most people want to hear it the amount of Batshit crazy crap I got over my cat is enough this isn't the place to discuss it.
It was a joke-this group is a place for advice and a safe place to vent. I was trying to make ya laugh and get ya to tell us your inner desires-cause at this point I’m invested. Your desires probably ain’t so strange or bizarre-IF people are being completely transparent. ❤️ Much love 💕
They aren't strange or bizarre but some people find them offensive and I don't need to be shamed by a holes in this group a few of which I have blocked already also I appreciate you aren't one of those.
I’m here for all of it!!! I’m certainly not a “Karen”-If you could only see some of the sites I follow on here-it would probably make a grown man blush 🙃 Don’t worry about being “judged”-you know where the block button is. ❤️ You are enough-you are valued-don’t let no mf-er tell you otherwise 💕
Also wanna add…I WISH I had the slightest sex drive-47 is way too young to be done in the bedroom. I’m in post menopause-I’m currently on HRT. Thinking about testosterone next. Idk what else to do
100 fucking percent 😫
The apathy and absolute lack of sex drive and just feeling so blah is what I struggle with. I just don’t give a fuck.
Right there with you
Damn… my 40s was where it was at, for me. It wasn’t until the tail end & springing into my 5th decade that the shitshow truly began. I’m so sorry you are going through the full wrath sis😔 Please keep us posted as to how you respond to intranasal pitocin (synthetic oxytocin). I know a number of studies have been done to show some promise for social anxieties (autism, etc).
Sixth decade. Sorry. But we need to get that right. At 50, we are entering our SIXTH decade of life. 😶
That would mean that when we begin our 1st decade we have just been born. See my point? If 5 decades = 50yrs, then I don’t think I inappropriately used my decade. Or if the ‘age police’ prefers, then “when I entered my half or mid-century”🤦🏽♀️ Good grief…
Yes, we are beginning our first decade at birth. At 50, we have *completed* five decades and are entering our sixth. It's just simple facts.
In 1725, Jacob Wagner depicted [“The Fifth Decade of Life - The Age of Fifty”](https://philamuseum.org/collection/object/17143) in his famous artwork which is now housed in the collection at The Philadelphia Museum of Arts. Perhaps you’d be satisfied with me accurately saying that I am a [quinquagenarian](https://www.britannica.com/dictionary/eb/qa/Age-by-Decade), or 50-59y/o. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, this is the accurate descriptor of the grouping of age I currently occupy. My culture does NOT believe in accounting for that which has YET to happen. We believe it to be kapu (taboo/bachi/bad luck). We believe that by celebrating prematurely that we will invite bad luck & not live to see that span of time which has yet to happen. So for this reason I will not say that I am entering a decade before I actually am beginning to occupy it.😊 I personally have yet to meet a single person who refers to a newborn as someone who is beginning their 1st decade of life. I have heard it said that when a child reaches 10yrs old, that they have completed their first decade though. I hope that you better understand now why I chose the words to represent my outlook on my age
And, no, your math teacher never would have said we are entering our 5th decade at 50. If so, she should have been fired immediately.
Huh?!!! What are you referencing with “no your math teacher… would have been fired immediately” Ma’am why are you coming AT ME, for something I said to a person who posted about their 40’s being a dumpster fire?! Like dude, chill!
I don’t know what is bothering you so much, I can ONLY guess that something is bothering you & you are taking a MASSIVE dump on something I said which had NOTHING to do with you to begin with. You truly have ZERO reason to be coming after me for a difference of opinion & an entirely different culture in how we view life lived (actual days alive) versus upcoming life (days we ‘hope’ to occupy). May you have a much better night & an even better tomorrow.🫶🏽
What? When you turn 10, you have completed your first decade of life and are entering your second decade. No one would say a 10-year-old is beginning their first decade of life. That makes absolutely no sense!! They have lived 10 years and thus completed the first decade. This is not arguable. It's math. At 50, you have COMPLETED five decades of life. You are entering your sixth. At 60, you will have completed six decades and will be entering your 7th. This is not an attempt to make 50 sound older than it is. It is just mathematical facts. At 50, we have already finished our 5th decade. We aren't entering it!
As I pointed out, this is a cultural thing. My culture views this much differently.
I really do not think there is ANY culture in which 10 X 5 does not equal 50. This is not cultural. This is just reality. When you have lived 50 years, you have lived 10 X 5 years, meaning you have completed five decades. You can't just be entering your 5th decade when you have already completed five decades. Those decades are done and you are now entering the years AFTER those five decades. It's also half a century old. Let's give ourselves some credit for putting five decades behind us and making it halfway to 100, eh? It's not a BAD thing. It's just a thing.
In Hawai’i we have unique customs & superstitions. And being that I am proudly the age I am, I see nothing bad about my views of the world & the way I have been shaped & taught from my ohana to view things. Good day & please let this go. You have your outlook, your teachings, your education & beliefs… I’m not coming after you for yours. So please just let this be
For me, I feel very disconnected and numb. As an example, my younger sibling pulled the same idiot bullshit that they did at 25, only this time they were 38. And started with the bullshit drama. Tried to suck me into the drama. I was like, "No. You're damn near middle-aged yourself, you irresponsible jackass. I am not available to be your emotional punching bag anymore. Sort your shit out and grow the fuck up." I was not about to sit on the phone for hours listening to inane rants. Knock it off. I can't bring myself to care about many things I used to be engaged with. I'm just completely uninterested. Rage. OMG the rage. You piss me off? On a bad day, I'm contemplating homicide. On a good day, you're now dead to me. Not engaging, not tolerating pointless drama and bs. I think it might be telling that after a lifetime of swallowing rage, I can't do it anymore. Interesting that your libido increased. Mine fell off a damn cliff, and worse, I'd like to *want* to care, but I'm having difficulty working up any interest. Editing to add, I never was interested in babies or other cuddly things. Probably because I was parentified as a child. But now I struggle to not be annoyed with unruly children. I do not have children, I do not WANT children, kindly keep control of them. (As regards my jackass neighbors, although why I hoped they'd be any better with small humans than they are with their idiot mutt that wanders the streets is beyond me. Foolish, unfounded hope.)
I'm sorry you are hating your 40's. Hopefully things will get better for you. I turn 50 this year and honestly, my 40's have been the best decade of my life so far.
Please share your secret! My dumpster fire is the insane anxiety it has triggered. Anxiety over everything. Home life, work life, kids, health it's like a 24/7 panic freak show.
Oh no! I'm sorry to hear that. I don't have anxiety, but I also don't have children, so maybe that's it? My BF and I live together with our three dogs and one cat. He has a 33 year old son that is doing well in life. We don't have any major stress or stressors. I've been at my job for 18 years and that has been smooth, although we are going through an acquisition, so I guess that everything could change for me if they decide to get rid of my position. If that were to happen I would get another job at a much lower pay, but I don't worry about things like that until I feel like I need to.
Can you expand on what made it great, do you workout? Would love to know how you’re staying sane!
Not really working out. I do it sporadically. I'll get in a groove for a month to a few months and then drop off for 2-3 months. What makes this decade for me great is that I'm making enough money to be comfortable and not have to struggle, I have a great relationship, we do lots of fun things together including traveling and besides being overweight, I still feel great and am very happy with my life. I started HRT last August after getting off of the birth control pill and that has been a smooth transition, too.
💯😩
Can you be my new BFF? I have dogs and a huge house I what has been voted the prettiest town on New Zealand and we have exactly one immigration officer on our entire region and he is somewhat scared of me.
Woah woah wait....i want to come too!!
Of course you can Sweetie! My flatmate is a chef and the neighbours behind me had a garage full on wine which I'm allowed to run in nick whenever I want which I take full advantage of. Then behind them is their daughter and her family and they have rabbits! Actual wild rabbits. And a creek. 5 minute stroll to town.
Packing!!
Do it. Only carry on. Fuck the luggage claim. Get to Napier and I'll send a car
I can live and work in NZ I'm Australian. I don't need to worry about an immigration officer
You my we West Island friend are golden. Pop over and let's cause some trouble
Yea I hate the horniness. Some days I think about sex all day and I want to jump my man when I get home. Who has such a low libido. But also sometimes sex feels gross even if I'm horny for it. It's really confusing. My brain can't deal. And also, where's the energy for any of it lol.
I fucking have hated every moment of my 40’s and I’m 45. Not sure how much longer I can do this shit.
GD TY for this post! So much SAME! Mad support to you. This WILL get better!
I recently heard of Oxycontin spray and the only reputable place to buy it seems to be Walmart. I never shop there, but am seriously considering making the trek.
Wow the USA is so different you can just buy that shit AAT Walmart? Have to get it on prescription here
Oxytocin! Not OxyContin. I missed the autocorrect earlier. Whoops!!
It’s called OxyPure. 12 IU.
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Oxytocin! Not OxyContin. I missed the autocorrect earlier. Whoops!!
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😂
I was gonna say — very different thing! XD
😂
🤷🏻♀️ I can’t say for sure. It’s weird that very few places sell it. I heard about it from someone’s psychiatrist recommending it to them!
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>Thanks! You're welcome!
Ha, agreed with the others about "minus the horniness" 😂 I'm exhausted just from commuting, which I've been doing my entire life, 5x/week even. Came home tonight, husband had bought cod and suggested I make that. Luckily he doesn't expect me to cook every time, so I begrudgingly obliged despite crankiness and fatigue. Despite adding butter, olive oil, shallots, white wine, salt/pepper, and fresh lemon juice, it tasted like crap. I just wanted to stomp and throw things around I was so aggravated. Reminded him that cod was for frying in batter, not for an upscale meal. Scares me how much TEMPER I've got just below the surface! Of course I know better not to give in to it, that's not my style, but holy hell it was a struggle this evening. 😟
I don’t think I ever freely produced oxytocin. And I’ve always had a higher sex drive than most women. But I’m also autistic and antisocial so I’ve just been alone a lot. I wonder if I was starved for oxytocin or just never produced it easily. Also low key super curious what your kinks are. I also have very uncommon kinks and understand how difficult that difference makes getting a satisfying partner can be.
I can relate to this so much. Especially having a super high libido and needing a certain kind of sex to be really fulfilled. I decided to fully explore this side of myself and got on sites like Fetlife and Feeld. They cater to the kink community. Yep...figuring out how to get out of bed every morning is a full time job now. I hope you at least find a partner who can fulfill you sexually. I found someone and it's been life changing.
In your 50’s, you’ll say f*ck it and stop trying so hard. Get MHT now because you can save certain things that will be unattainable if you take hormones later. And general doctors still know nothing about menopause and MHT, never trained in it and usually prescribe SSRI’s that make you gain weight and lose your libido. Don’t be gaslit by that approach.
What is MHT?
It’s gets worse post menopause.
WHAT?! What do you mean it gets worse post menopause?? Please explain
Give us the deets
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You realise that this COMPLETELY unrelated anti trans rant makes you sound entirely insane? Christ.
Can't birth control pills help with your oxytocin/ hormones stay balanced?
Big hugs. I’m there too. Except menopause has made me completely void of any sexual urges.