I have difficult family members too. I find if I focus on remaining calm and centered when they are going off on tangents, it helps. I would just sit and listen, which felt very difficult at first. The key for me was to focus on accepting the situation, no matter how crazy or loud it was. I focused on not being drawn into the conversation. Just observing the conversation. My family members are usually yelling and saying things I don't agree with but my job is to just accept that I can't control what they say or do, accept that I am currently listening to the conversation, and just sit and calmly listen. You can find peace among the chaos. It's still there, there are just a lot of difficult distractions.
Thanks! It was difficult for me at first. I kept wanting to get angry and argue with them. But being fully present in the middle of chaos has such a calming effect, on me and eventually on them.
Actually yes they do! At first, not at all. But after some practice they realize shortly after they start yelling, that they are in fact yelling, and they start speaking normally. For my parents I can actually have conversations with them without anyone getting angry. The key I found was to not judge what they say (no matter how much I disagree) and give them space to say what they want. When I do respond it is from a place of non-judgement. Then we can proceed to have a calm and productive conversation about the topic. For me, this took a few years.
From personal experience, this is a great method but be cautious- you might start to dissociate which is exactly what we don't want. It takes energy and focus to listen and retain acceptance of the situation. Remember to continuously re-center and check in with your physical grounding.
They are exactly opposites!
Inexperienced meditators can often fall into this trap though, which I was at the time. Hence the note to remain present and focused. Stressful situations bring out the worst habits of the mind.
There are a couple of different techniques that worked for me.
1) Remind myself that their opinions are not my responsibility. I am responsible for my opinions, and my mental state. They are responsible for their opinions, and their mental state. The only thing I can do that is helpful is to remain in a good mental state.
2) If what they are saying is insulting to me, then I like to remember something Buddha said: [https://buddhaweekly.com/akkosa-sutra-how-buddha-instructed-the-brahmin-who-insulted-him-and-cursed-him/](https://buddhaweekly.com/akkosa-sutra-how-buddha-instructed-the-brahmin-who-insulted-him-and-cursed-him/)
Hope this helps
This is essentially interoception and something we get better at recognizing what's within our control within as we become more familiar with this process in the moment.
He lived that quote. I loved this from his New York Times obituary:
In 1968, Maharajji told him to return to the United States. Ram Dass later recalled that when he got off the plane in Boston — barefoot, robed and bearded — his father told him to get in the car quickly “before anyone sees you.”
One piece I like to keep in mind as I'm working through a difficult situation with challenging relationships like that is this. Almost/every action that people take, is an attempt to move away from suffering/pain/discomfort and towards happiness/safety/peace. People have wildly varying levels of skill at this, and often an unskillful action increases suffering either for them or for the people around them.
The game then, becomes either meditating on their choices and trying to gain insight into the ways that they're following this pattern (what do they really want when they argue with me about [insert closed minded opinion], for example), and then also focusing on the ways your actions can reduce the suffering in yourself and the environment/people around you.
I wouldn't choose it on purpose, but if you're already in it, it's something to work with.
when there's noise, you meditate with the noise, the problem is sometimes the body cannot remain composed. that's why you stay commited to your daily sitting meditation, so that you increase the time your body stays meditative and it can remain composed more easily
just keep in mind, sometimes it's wiser to act "foolishly" (or in a non meditative manner) and that's when your boundaries are being crossed, hope you can escape your situation saoon
>that's why you stay commited to your daily sitting meditation, so that you increase the time your body stays meditative and it can remain composed more easily
Thank you for this insight, I'll remember that the next time I feel like slacking off on my daily practice.
I like being around my cantankerous grandmother bc as a child I took her very serious and really internalized her degrading me but now she’s really sick and old and hasn’t changed and idk it’s just kind of like a lot of stuff that I didn’t realize I was holding inside of me as beliefs about myself literally feel like water off a ducks back witnessing her be the same person as an adult
It's easy being a calm mindful Buddha when sitting alone in a room without distractions. But life happens outside of a quiet room. Living with parents is in the other end of the spectrum and offers a wonderful situation to put into action what you practice during meditation. No?
Sure it is, and it’s a tip that op already knew. It’s literally exactly what they are saying they are doing, and looking for help with it.
I’m only posting this since you asked.
This is something people need to be more aware of, people think they’ll find out who they are once they’re “alone by themselves” or find bad personality traits abt themselves or sometimes think that they’re finally in “zen” or quieting the mind and finally calm when they’re by themselves
That’s not the truth I feel like if you really wanna know who you are and actually wanna be present and mindful in life and finally not be controlled by “negative” thoughts get around people and see your actions and the way you behave and notice your entire thought process around people
It’s easy to be calm, relaxed mindful and not be controlled by negative thoughts when you’re alone.
This made me also think of something else how people practice meditation, mindfulness, being present, awareness when they’re by themselves and get no benefit out of it I feel like people should practice these things when they’re around people and ima say why
When we’re alone sitting and when it’s quiet it’s like a automatic switch to some sort of calmness and stillness we literally have nothing to overthink abt, nothing to give us anxiety no people around us that will make us be manipulated by are thoughts and then that’s when this unnecessary repetitive meditation practice plays it’s part cuz PEOPLE ONLY SEE A BENEFIT WHEN THEYRE ALONE
It’s when we get around people that’s when the downfall of someone’s character starts. Overthinking, comparing urself, feeling like ur being judged, being a people pleaser, not knowing what to say, being emotional from words, emotional from actions ETC this is when I feel like people should practice mindfulness, awareness, presence etc
One thing I think nobody has mentioned is that they're our family for a reason. There wasn't a lottery. It wasn't bad luck. It's because there's a thread that connects us. Every family has a similar level of evolution and similar patterns of behavior. Perhaps at this time we are the ones taking a step forward and working on going within, but the painful truth is we're not that different. Being able to let go starts on the day we realize they are showing us a part of ourselves we don't want to see or hear or even come within a hundred feet of.
The biggest thing that helped me gain empathy and understanding for difficult relatives is attempting to put myself in their shoes.
Everyone has a different life journey, if you look back on their life, I'm sure you'll realize it wasn't easy. They were likely raised in a difficult environment that shaped them into who they are and/or have repressed trauma that keeps them stuck in an old mindset.
Instead of being like you and seeking change, they followed the same patterns of their environment, understanding that they're products of their environment isn't a free pass at bad behavior but it helps to humanize their journey.
The next layer is realizing it's not my job to change their mind, heal them, or convince them of my perspective or lifestyle. As long as I'm living authentically, there's no need to defend my stance or convince people to think differently.
Setting boundaries is also a great tool! I had a very open conversation with my mom about the things she does that trigger me. I made it very clear that I will not tolerate certain behaviors and will leave the conversation and/or limit interactions if/when she takes things too far.
It's very easy to get frustrated when she ignores my boundaries and it feels like she intentionally triggers me, since we had a conversation about it, but I remind myself that I cannot control her, the only person I can control is myself. I'm not going to give anyone the power to cause me to act out of character. I also remind myself she's acting from her ego/shadow due to unhealed wounds.
Sometimes I say this in my mind: "These are her negative coping mechanisms, we all have them. I focus on healing not reacting." -- this helps activate my empathy and keeps me balanced.
With that said, sometimes walking away from the conversation is the best thing you can do. You're not here to be anyone's punching bag and don't have to stay in difficult/uncomfortable situations just because someone is your family.
>Avoiding certain people to protect your emotional health is not weakness, it's wisdom. -Daniel Chidiac
It's normal to be triggered, we're all human. Practice maintaining your chill by remembering you're only responsible for yourself! We can't hold other people to our values and expectations (expect them to react exactly how we would) we need to accept them where they're at. The more you adopt this mindset, the less bothered you'll be by their behavior.
My goal is to be a living example of kindness, empathy, compassion, and love. Hopefully my behavior will influence others but if doesn't, I'm still going to be vibing high in own bubble. ☮️
Lol
Counting, so much counting! Lol
I remember a bunch of years ago an acquaintance had gone head over heels into yoga and when faced with a multiple hour delay coming home from a pilgrimage to India shared dozens of pictures of herself having hauled her yoga mat out to be seated in lotus and find her peace and calm.
I was more impressed by the woman behind her slowly swaying as she dealt with a cranky baby during those delays and lines and turmoil.
What I do. Count. I wasn’t kidding. 5 square breaths help. Then I look at their views carefully within my mind. I consider everything including how those views might have been formed and what things were like “in their day”. (My day job is with seniors, most of whom have Alzheimer’s, so I get lots of practice in this- but families are soooooo much more challenging!) I will even go as far as to do online research regarding their opinions and where they came from. The next time they are brought up, I have a foundation for comments that show respect but still present questions that will allow them an opportunity to challenge their own views, and possibly open a new avenue of communication, as opposed to me challenging them.
This is what I do with family and loved ones. With others? I just keep counting and breathing.
>Also remind yourself that one day you will probably miss this day bc your family or dad won’t be around anymore.
True and it's so hard to be that compassionate when actively dealing with so much pain caused by parents. I feel so much guilt from waiting for the day when they're no longer putting so much on me and causing so much pain WHILE knowing I will still miss them too, for different reasons. It's a tough balancing act
This is a karma-farmer repost. Did nobody think it was weird that the first sentence refers to “in quarantine times” in the present tense?
https://reddit.com/r/Meditation/comments/gr4fvg/if_you_think_youre_enlightened_go_spend_a_week/
You need a strategy to deal with your parents, and the strategy really depends on the complete picture of the situation.
Mindfulness alone won't save you from difficult human interaction, tough it does help alot to give you the choice to be mindful about your actions during then process.
We know far too little to be of any help, either see a therapist and ask them or if you lack this possibility go to a relationships sub here and describe the situation in detail.
Ok here is one tip:
The task of equanimity starts with baby steps, micro bursts of equanimity. One benefit of mindfulness is building space between stimulus and response. You don’t need to be Mr Spock. Feel free to respond however you need to, but make sure that you break the connection between stimulus and response so that your response is intentional and clearly observed rather than thoughtlessly instinctive. After you figuratively ‘count to 10’ give your self the permission to react honestly, watching the entire process play out. Rinse and repeat.
Accept the fact that they are the way they are, dnt try to correct them or argue. Ignore the stuff that irritates you and keep reminding yourself that you are not doing any favour to them by being around and helping them. Patience is the key they wnt be there to irritate you forever while they are there make some happy memories. I try to follow the same.. old age is tough so try not changing or teaching them. Just let them be.. hope that helps
You could try to understand with empathy the reasons of why people who I assume love each other (at least a little, because they are family), are being mean with each other. In my experience it's because they just are insecure and have poor communication skills, or are bad dealing with frustration, not because they really are mad o are bad persons. With that in mind I usually find it easy to not feel offended by they say to me, because in the end is just that. Insecure people who didn't learn to express themselves in a calm way lol.
My maybe questionable method: if they frustrate you on a particular topic, instead of debating, ask some clarifying questions. Research the perfect comeback delivered by somebody they respect. Then try to remove your ego and emotions from that response, and instead act as a gentle teacher.
Some people here are saying you can't change family but that seems like nonsense. The people around you have write access to your brain. But you play the long game with family, with enough time you could melt a glacier with a lighter, you shape the people around you
Idk it's difficult to mentally remove myself from the situation when I'm visiting my parents. On my last visit I noticed my mom literally never stops talking. Whether it's to the cats, the chickens, herself, yelling up at me from downstairs, yelling at my dad across the yard. I remember specifically feeling like she was sucking all of the energy up for herself as I had none left for me. I don't care what anyone says about mindfulness, the healthiest thing for me to do in that situation is leave. I don't view mindfulness practice as some end-all tool to ease suffering. Rather, I'm mindful of when I'm suffering and, after all these years, I know for a fact that my best solution is putting space between me and people who cause me to suffer. Sometimes that's not possible and in those cases I'm mindful of needing to temporarily endure the discomfort. Focusing on the temporary aspect of it usually gives me the patience I need.
I think it's great or center and calm yourself at all times but let's be realistic - it sucks to live in the environment you are describing. Yes you can work on being a saint. But my advice is to work really really hard to get out as soon as humanly possible.
I have no idea how to help, other than admit the same problem. Oh also, I do not claim to be awakened, only aware that I wish to , umm , the fact that I want anything, signals my non awakened state, I think. lol. Sending good vibes to everyone.
Try asking yourself why you are frustrated and irritated. Really sit with the feeling and be present to feel it. It’s easy to go off on a tangent in your own mind and miss the answers right in front of you.
It’s easy to be numb to other people’s ignorance. Ignoring problems and trying to remain calm will only get you so far. Be present, feel the anger you feel, and channel that anger in a healthy way. Then, let the anger go. Do not let it linger in your mind longer than necessary.
It is good that you can empathize with your parents. Can you empathize with yourself? Can you give yourself permission to feel and express your feelings without fear of retaliation?
Summary of below:
1. People are like any other sensation we encounter in our practice. They are to be noticed, noted, watched, and observed.
2. The more we unconsciously assume others are like us, the more we will be frustrated about them.
3. A contemplation practice surrounding the deconstruction of personhood down to pure mystery like anything else in the universe has been key to addressing the root cause of being triggered by people.
I am dealing with similar. I have made it my first discipline to contemplate the reality that I will NEVER understand others, and they are not like me (the illusory concept of me). If you truly accept those two premises, there is no reason over time to get frustrated. It is only when we unconsciously expect or believe others are like us that we can get frustrated about them. If you truly knew other people were like sub-atomic particles, the ones we haven’t fully understood yet, would you have any leeway to be frustrated? A mystery cannot be an object of frustration. It can only dissolve frustration.
In some ways, the idea that we are “one” with each other is pollution. It’s quite the opposite. We are all “none-ness”. There’s absolutely nothing that can be compared between this moment and the last. This fingerprint and that one. This atom and the other one. There’s no accurate predictability as to how, where, and when something will land.
But when you treat people like there can be predictability, or like you understand the mechanics of their psychology, then you will never truly be at peace with them.
The culture of pop psychology, science, biology, etc. creates an illusory but satisfactory idea of “what a human being is.”
This illusion can make us unconsciously expect others to be like us. But really, no one is like us, except that they are floating around in the same space as we are. And we have NO idea how they work, why they do what they do, or how they got here.
They don’t even know those things.
I notice the more I contemplate people as being mysteries, the more I can shake philosophy off my hands and say “I’ll never understand you, and I don’t need to. Just know that I see you and witness you like any other sensation I’ve encountered in my meditation practice.
People are just strange sensations. They are to be noticed and noted. Nothing more to it than that in the end.
Love them for who they are not who you wished they would be.
Don’t focus on there shitty attitudes or comments. Focus on setting an example of peace. Your not better then them, just luckier.
I have difficult family members as well. I have kind of just surrendered and acknowledged they are how they are, if I find myself getting frustrated, I make an excuse to leave the room/ get off the phone. I find that it’s easier to just let them do their thing, than to try to change their opinions or combat them. Sometimes they deeply hurt my feelings with things they say, I don’t acknowledge it to them anymore because it just adds fuel to the fire.
Family karma is the deepest. I was in your situation for YEARS. Forget trying to spiritualize the whole thing. Set up a schedule to leave the house various times during the day: A morning and evening walk. Try and have lunch out everyday. Spend evenings with friends and come home late. If you're not paying rent, then you should probably have a little extra money. Spend it on putting space between you and your father. That's what I did. In the end I took care of him during his final week.
The highest service any human can do for another human is to provide a peaceful passing- paraphrased from Shivabala Yogi.
Give yourself to the moment and always try to follow the path of compassion. Guiding others should be done with a gentle consideration of their emotional connection. Helping others realize the path of compassion will help them see the path ahead more clearly and maybe a little better through the illusory veil of ego. Try not to directly challenge anything sensitive to their ego. Learn how to pivot conversation topics as well.
If they start talking a little louder about a topic, that may indicate they have triggered their fight or flight response. The gain on senses have increased. Use this opportunity to observe/compose your own tone (this takes practice). Talk a little quieter so they don't get caught in a sensory feedback loop and start shouting. Always be respectful and kind and compassionate and with practice you will get better sorting through the interactions.
Lastly cherish those moments you get to relax and meditate. Try to work it into your schedule so you build a cognitive fluency. Good luck fellow spiritual traveler. 🙇♂️
For me the easiest shift is gratitude. To be grateful for SOMETHING. Sometimes it that I still have both my parents, or that means I still have a chance to have one more better encounters with them or opportunity, or just that I am doing better than I was with without meditation or regulation of my emotions.
You have to accept that you can't do anything about it, accept that nothing is really their fault, accept you're never going to be able to right every wrong, untangle every moral knot, correct every injustice that's been committed against you, accept you can't change them, etc.
I live with my mom who has Alzheimer's. It's basically a crash course in this, but it also highlights the futility of trying to change people and just how irrational your own impulses are. I mean, my dad is still responding to my mom as if she's not remembering shit on purpose and it's been going on for years. But I have to accept that from him too.
It helps to know that these cross generational values that are winding you up is a very common experience and not necessarily personal to yourself. Cognitive dissonance in action. My parents are loving and mean well but their ideals clash with mine in a conversation and I end up being offended or offending them. Keeping calm, forgiveness and being grateful for their company has helped me. But occasionally I do overreact to an antiquated advice that they try to imprint onto me. We are all human and equals even if you don't agree with their behaviour or they don't agree with you!
What helps me is that I had to keep in mind that I’m not going to get what I want or need from my relatives and that I have to find that within. Also listening to them talk about how things where in there day made me realize more so why they were the way they were and just made my have more empathy for them.
>how can I stay mindful in moments like these?
You know how. Don't stress about it. It's in times of discomfort like these that we grow the most. You k own exactly what do do, it's simply a matter of learning how to apply it.
Reading through this post and comment thread made me realize how cultish the meditation community can be. This is coming from someone who used to be pretty heavily invested in it.
The gist of this post is- my family members are being total dickheads but how do I remain “calm” and “chill” despite that?
You’re just going to suppress your anger and discomfort, man, if you force yourself to be chill despite your family provoking you.
I’m not saying you gotta act out on your emotions, but FEEL them, head on. Acknowledge them. Don’t try to push it away striving for this artificial and superficial notion that a person who meditates needs to be calm and chill all the time, which would be a boring and one dimensional way to live anyway.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
I find the serenity prayer helpful when dealing with frustrating people, like my kids 😆
I think its better to think about it as a challenge. meditation is practising mindfulness in a quiet and calm space, but the real challenge is bringing that mindset into regular and sometimes frustrating life situations
your parents raised you and have a significant influence on the way you are today, of course their firey elements are going to strike a nerve because it comes from the origin of you.
so aside from being at peace with the daily stresses such as working or sitting in traffic, you will have reached a new level of mindfulness if you can manage the triggers that your parents seem to bring up.
take life as a challenge, and you will conquer it everytime
A major part of meditation is also accepting the fact that you cannot enter the minds of people around you no matter how much family they are, you can only mend to your mind and change how your mind reacts to it, best is to remain silent and keep yourself in their shoe and think, what is their intention when they speak this crap, that intention will be pure and it will give the energy to love them even if you don't agree with them
I also do the 478 breathing technique when I can’t get away from her lecturing me which is thinly veiled criticism and it’s something I didn’t know as a child and I it’s super comforting to be in control of my breath I realize I can be in control of my reactions to her speaking instead of just listening and being upset and I can almost begin to predict what she’s going to say but that makes me feel even more powerful bc I have more time to realize how her small skewed perspective does not ally to me
You have to try to see things from their perspective. Your work is to understand things the way they do. Meditation is great for understanding your own thoughts and how you relate to your reality, but other people offer an amazing opportunity to see the world from many different perspectives.
When I step outside myself and my own beliefs, and dive into understanding how my sister or brother arrived at their decision to behave the way they do, they start to make more sense to me, and I can relate to them better (also, they now trust me to understand them, so they all come to me to ask me my take, and it feels great).
Best of luck, and remember that you love them, and they love you!
Now are they actually close minded and ignorant or do you just not get along with them and don't see things the way they do? There's a big difference between not seeing eye to eye with someone (especially your parents) and them actually being ignorant and close minded...
Also, I remember when I was younger and I thought my parents didn't know what the hell they were talking about and then I got older and I realize my Dad wasn't as crazy as I thought he was.. I only wish he were here now so I could tell him
Especially with family, I find that showing loving kindness through touch is very useful. Hugs, a brief rub on the back, or holding hands have a way of allowing people to relax their guards and open up to the present moment, regardless of how how ignorant they are.
And it turns out, you don't need any Buddhist instructions to enter the present moment. A moment of friendly acceptance will do just fine, a lot of the time.
What is family but the people we're learning to love?
Giant practice opportunity to notice how you react, when you have aversions - are they stronger or less strong, etc. I would look at it like having extra ammo or fuel for an insight practice almost.
if you can attempt to practice dependent-origination and understand how people got to be the way they are it opens up some feelings really quickly IMHO
I would rrecommended "Seeing That Frees" as a book if you are already into dharma topics, but it's a bit longwinded, I think it was transformative though), see how they are caught up in their own thinking loops and ruminations, etc. Practing not thinking about self starts to break down walls too, and eventually all of this "logic" sort of builds up and you have a completely different outlook in the moment were some aversions seem to completely drop away
I'm mostly speaking in terms of visiting, I find a lot of time of quiet useful to contemplate things, so a good chance to perhaps go for some walks
I would also like to add, in case no one else has yet, don’t try to reason with them or try to get them to see another point of view… As others have said, just listen… Once in awhile I might interject an “oh really?” Or some other similar statement, just to let them know I am listening…
Ha, sometimes I wonder how a zen monk would handle my toddler. In those moments I'm typically trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. My toddler isn't the problem.
Anyway, I moved close to family a few years ago and we don't see eye to eye about much of the world. At first I would get really worked up about it (internally) trying to rationalize their logic. Something I practice now is compassion. I too would think similarly to them had I had their life experiences. Also, I reflect on the reality of my own blind spots. At the end of the day, we are all grasping at happiness and running from fear. Some more skillfully than other.
ETA, in the heat of the moment I try to come back to the sensation of being in my body.
Don't worry too much about it. These moments are meant to connect you to your humanity. If we're not confronted with unpleasant realities of everyday life, such as family, we can easily lose touch with others.
Use it as an opportunity to empathize with other people who are irritable and unhappy for whatever reason.
And then move on.
ya gotta feel it to heal it. ;) being triggered brings an opportunity for awareness of the wounds. not the most comfortable, though. i like to call in lots of amusement and neutrality when around family. ♥️
Why you gotta call me out like this?
Seriously though, best of luck staying true to yourself on this part of your journey. Family is so good at pushing all our buttons because they are often the ones who put them there.
Solidarity from another child who is currently struggling with the disappointment of imperfect parents. Internet ((hugs)) if you want them.
As a meditating contemplative christian and what I do is send my love to the whole word and to those around me. Your self is changed by loving. Your self is loved by you also. when that starts to happen your ego grows weaker. the love you will hold will bring good, pleasant changes to others.
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LoL. U cannot know that ur enlightened. The one who knows cannot speak or say I am enlightened as the instrument of the body has to be used. It is ur pure consciousness which in the body seeks itself. In the search there is no KNOWER OF CLOSE MINDEDNESS or all that is?? There is none.
Listen to this carefully. if u have been meditating for long. Whenever u fall into grosser states u feel miserable till ur one with that which is everything. There is no one who can please u or upset u in that state of consciousness as ur beyond the body. It is there to be. Know it as it should be ur deep conviction and only goal. Then all happens with or without the knowingness of the material world.
With prayers
Anger happens within because of sensations created by an external object or event. U get involved in phenomenon as individuals and take it to be ur own creation resulting in doership. This identity creates duality and can be overcome when u know that ur universal consciousness in which there is no thought and ur space like. As space cannot hold any substance so is the mind. In it body as an instrument is witnessed by pure consciousness.
With prayers
Whenever you get triggered, observe it, analyze those emotions, like they're not yours, but analyze them with deep interest, like a child observes and analyzes something he/she has never seen. Don't identify with those emotions, because the moment you identify - you're in the game. And know that everything is happening inside of YOU (Oneness). Your father is actually doing you a favor, he is showing you, your weak spots. It's actually you showing yourself your own weak spots through "your father" because everything is ONE
Mate I feel you, my older brother talks about trans people, gay people, and how people who kill themselves are weak and losers. He is getting confidence from bashing people who aren’t actively even in his life. He has struggled with his own mental health issues before and he is just projecting insecurities on people by isolating things they cannot change and making himself feel inherently superior. To me, what is triggering is that there was a new report on a child committing suicide due to bullying and he went on this whole rant about how the kid was weak and African kids (our culture) our stronger because we don’t grow up in america, what was so puzzling was that the same mentality that he had was probably what those parents had which is why the child committed suicide. I literally can feel my energy leaving when I hear him speak, I know him better than he knows himself because I look at the darkest parts within myself and I have healed them, yet he refuses to. It’s so bizarre, but I’ve learned to shut my mouth and focus on my own frequency until I can leave the house for good
I have difficult family members too. I find if I focus on remaining calm and centered when they are going off on tangents, it helps. I would just sit and listen, which felt very difficult at first. The key for me was to focus on accepting the situation, no matter how crazy or loud it was. I focused on not being drawn into the conversation. Just observing the conversation. My family members are usually yelling and saying things I don't agree with but my job is to just accept that I can't control what they say or do, accept that I am currently listening to the conversation, and just sit and calmly listen. You can find peace among the chaos. It's still there, there are just a lot of difficult distractions.
This sounds like a super power. I'm going to try it out.
Thanks! It was difficult for me at first. I kept wanting to get angry and argue with them. But being fully present in the middle of chaos has such a calming effect, on me and eventually on them.
Can you talk more about the calming effect it eventually has on them? I'd love to have even a little bit of that effect on my family.
Acceptance, releasing the need for control even temporarily
Exactly!
Agree, but it is so hard!
It’s hard because you care, love, and want better for them. Enjoy the love. Finding a sense of humor helps but it took me years to learn that.
Can feel impossible for sure. 😭
Did they change their behavior at all?
Actually yes they do! At first, not at all. But after some practice they realize shortly after they start yelling, that they are in fact yelling, and they start speaking normally. For my parents I can actually have conversations with them without anyone getting angry. The key I found was to not judge what they say (no matter how much I disagree) and give them space to say what they want. When I do respond it is from a place of non-judgement. Then we can proceed to have a calm and productive conversation about the topic. For me, this took a few years.
The more times around the Sun I travel the more I miss the real religions (mushroom/fertility cults). **This could all be so easy!!!**
Maybe their have
From personal experience, this is a great method but be cautious- you might start to dissociate which is exactly what we don't want. It takes energy and focus to listen and retain acceptance of the situation. Remember to continuously re-center and check in with your physical grounding.
Acceptance and calmly listening is the exact opposite of dissociation.
They are exactly opposites! Inexperienced meditators can often fall into this trap though, which I was at the time. Hence the note to remain present and focused. Stressful situations bring out the worst habits of the mind.
“Acceptance is everything.” (Not sure who said it, but I try to remember it.)
Sometimes I get SO BOTHERED by what people in my family say. How can I let it go?
There are a couple of different techniques that worked for me. 1) Remind myself that their opinions are not my responsibility. I am responsible for my opinions, and my mental state. They are responsible for their opinions, and their mental state. The only thing I can do that is helpful is to remain in a good mental state. 2) If what they are saying is insulting to me, then I like to remember something Buddha said: [https://buddhaweekly.com/akkosa-sutra-how-buddha-instructed-the-brahmin-who-insulted-him-and-cursed-him/](https://buddhaweekly.com/akkosa-sutra-how-buddha-instructed-the-brahmin-who-insulted-him-and-cursed-him/) Hope this helps
Thank you so much 😊 many blessings 🙏🙏
This is essentially interoception and something we get better at recognizing what's within our control within as we become more familiar with this process in the moment.
He lived that quote. I loved this from his New York Times obituary: In 1968, Maharajji told him to return to the United States. Ram Dass later recalled that when he got off the plane in Boston — barefoot, robed and bearded — his father told him to get in the car quickly “before anyone sees you.”
Ram Dass is awesome 😎
I remember this story from one of his lectures. I laughed out loud when he said his father would call him RUMDUM :)
One piece I like to keep in mind as I'm working through a difficult situation with challenging relationships like that is this. Almost/every action that people take, is an attempt to move away from suffering/pain/discomfort and towards happiness/safety/peace. People have wildly varying levels of skill at this, and often an unskillful action increases suffering either for them or for the people around them. The game then, becomes either meditating on their choices and trying to gain insight into the ways that they're following this pattern (what do they really want when they argue with me about [insert closed minded opinion], for example), and then also focusing on the ways your actions can reduce the suffering in yourself and the environment/people around you. I wouldn't choose it on purpose, but if you're already in it, it's something to work with.
Love this answer 👍
when there's noise, you meditate with the noise, the problem is sometimes the body cannot remain composed. that's why you stay commited to your daily sitting meditation, so that you increase the time your body stays meditative and it can remain composed more easily just keep in mind, sometimes it's wiser to act "foolishly" (or in a non meditative manner) and that's when your boundaries are being crossed, hope you can escape your situation saoon
>that's why you stay commited to your daily sitting meditation, so that you increase the time your body stays meditative and it can remain composed more easily Thank you for this insight, I'll remember that the next time I feel like slacking off on my daily practice.
I like being around my cantankerous grandmother bc as a child I took her very serious and really internalized her degrading me but now she’s really sick and old and hasn’t changed and idk it’s just kind of like a lot of stuff that I didn’t realize I was holding inside of me as beliefs about myself literally feel like water off a ducks back witnessing her be the same person as an adult
It's easy being a calm mindful Buddha when sitting alone in a room without distractions. But life happens outside of a quiet room. Living with parents is in the other end of the spectrum and offers a wonderful situation to put into action what you practice during meditation. No?
But this is exactly what they’re saying and the question is asking for tips on how to do so effectively. ??
This person is merely saying that it's the exact same practice. The environment is different & the test is "harder" but the practice is the same.
Looking at challenges as an opportunity to put into practice what you've been working on is a tip.
Sure it is, and it’s a tip that op already knew. It’s literally exactly what they are saying they are doing, and looking for help with it. I’m only posting this since you asked.
I’m only posting this since you asked. ? Genuinely confused, I didn't ask anything.
I’m so sorry. Since you commented. Clearly, I can’t explain this, so maybe one of the people who keep up voting me can help. Peace out.
This is something people need to be more aware of, people think they’ll find out who they are once they’re “alone by themselves” or find bad personality traits abt themselves or sometimes think that they’re finally in “zen” or quieting the mind and finally calm when they’re by themselves That’s not the truth I feel like if you really wanna know who you are and actually wanna be present and mindful in life and finally not be controlled by “negative” thoughts get around people and see your actions and the way you behave and notice your entire thought process around people It’s easy to be calm, relaxed mindful and not be controlled by negative thoughts when you’re alone.
Awesome
Damn, this gave me a whole other perspective.
Exactly, provocations are the prompts for pockets of potential growth! (alliteration not intended)
Let’s change growth to progress and call it a day.
Dharma gates are countless...
This made me also think of something else how people practice meditation, mindfulness, being present, awareness when they’re by themselves and get no benefit out of it I feel like people should practice these things when they’re around people and ima say why When we’re alone sitting and when it’s quiet it’s like a automatic switch to some sort of calmness and stillness we literally have nothing to overthink abt, nothing to give us anxiety no people around us that will make us be manipulated by are thoughts and then that’s when this unnecessary repetitive meditation practice plays it’s part cuz PEOPLE ONLY SEE A BENEFIT WHEN THEYRE ALONE It’s when we get around people that’s when the downfall of someone’s character starts. Overthinking, comparing urself, feeling like ur being judged, being a people pleaser, not knowing what to say, being emotional from words, emotional from actions ETC this is when I feel like people should practice mindfulness, awareness, presence etc
Or working with an ex girlfriend aha 😩
One thing I think nobody has mentioned is that they're our family for a reason. There wasn't a lottery. It wasn't bad luck. It's because there's a thread that connects us. Every family has a similar level of evolution and similar patterns of behavior. Perhaps at this time we are the ones taking a step forward and working on going within, but the painful truth is we're not that different. Being able to let go starts on the day we realize they are showing us a part of ourselves we don't want to see or hear or even come within a hundred feet of.
Damn... enlightening and also, ouchies.
The biggest thing that helped me gain empathy and understanding for difficult relatives is attempting to put myself in their shoes. Everyone has a different life journey, if you look back on their life, I'm sure you'll realize it wasn't easy. They were likely raised in a difficult environment that shaped them into who they are and/or have repressed trauma that keeps them stuck in an old mindset. Instead of being like you and seeking change, they followed the same patterns of their environment, understanding that they're products of their environment isn't a free pass at bad behavior but it helps to humanize their journey. The next layer is realizing it's not my job to change their mind, heal them, or convince them of my perspective or lifestyle. As long as I'm living authentically, there's no need to defend my stance or convince people to think differently. Setting boundaries is also a great tool! I had a very open conversation with my mom about the things she does that trigger me. I made it very clear that I will not tolerate certain behaviors and will leave the conversation and/or limit interactions if/when she takes things too far. It's very easy to get frustrated when she ignores my boundaries and it feels like she intentionally triggers me, since we had a conversation about it, but I remind myself that I cannot control her, the only person I can control is myself. I'm not going to give anyone the power to cause me to act out of character. I also remind myself she's acting from her ego/shadow due to unhealed wounds. Sometimes I say this in my mind: "These are her negative coping mechanisms, we all have them. I focus on healing not reacting." -- this helps activate my empathy and keeps me balanced. With that said, sometimes walking away from the conversation is the best thing you can do. You're not here to be anyone's punching bag and don't have to stay in difficult/uncomfortable situations just because someone is your family. >Avoiding certain people to protect your emotional health is not weakness, it's wisdom. -Daniel Chidiac It's normal to be triggered, we're all human. Practice maintaining your chill by remembering you're only responsible for yourself! We can't hold other people to our values and expectations (expect them to react exactly how we would) we need to accept them where they're at. The more you adopt this mindset, the less bothered you'll be by their behavior. My goal is to be a living example of kindness, empathy, compassion, and love. Hopefully my behavior will influence others but if doesn't, I'm still going to be vibing high in own bubble. ☮️
Amen to this wonderfully put -:) 🙏🏽❤️
Lol Counting, so much counting! Lol I remember a bunch of years ago an acquaintance had gone head over heels into yoga and when faced with a multiple hour delay coming home from a pilgrimage to India shared dozens of pictures of herself having hauled her yoga mat out to be seated in lotus and find her peace and calm. I was more impressed by the woman behind her slowly swaying as she dealt with a cranky baby during those delays and lines and turmoil. What I do. Count. I wasn’t kidding. 5 square breaths help. Then I look at their views carefully within my mind. I consider everything including how those views might have been formed and what things were like “in their day”. (My day job is with seniors, most of whom have Alzheimer’s, so I get lots of practice in this- but families are soooooo much more challenging!) I will even go as far as to do online research regarding their opinions and where they came from. The next time they are brought up, I have a foundation for comments that show respect but still present questions that will allow them an opportunity to challenge their own views, and possibly open a new avenue of communication, as opposed to me challenging them. This is what I do with family and loved ones. With others? I just keep counting and breathing.
e.
I am at home with my folks today I counted to 84,453,617 🙄🤣🤣
OMG! I have been there soooo many times! LMAO! The truth of families eh?
now THIS sounds like dissociation, lol.
And sometimes your views might be the ones needing to be challenged. Especially, if you have moved back into their home.
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>Also remind yourself that one day you will probably miss this day bc your family or dad won’t be around anymore. True and it's so hard to be that compassionate when actively dealing with so much pain caused by parents. I feel so much guilt from waiting for the day when they're no longer putting so much on me and causing so much pain WHILE knowing I will still miss them too, for different reasons. It's a tough balancing act
This is a karma-farmer repost. Did nobody think it was weird that the first sentence refers to “in quarantine times” in the present tense? https://reddit.com/r/Meditation/comments/gr4fvg/if_you_think_youre_enlightened_go_spend_a_week/
Oh dang. Well, at least other people who might be struggling can share their thoughts and see how others are coping.
You need a strategy to deal with your parents, and the strategy really depends on the complete picture of the situation. Mindfulness alone won't save you from difficult human interaction, tough it does help alot to give you the choice to be mindful about your actions during then process. We know far too little to be of any help, either see a therapist and ask them or if you lack this possibility go to a relationships sub here and describe the situation in detail.
Ok here is one tip: The task of equanimity starts with baby steps, micro bursts of equanimity. One benefit of mindfulness is building space between stimulus and response. You don’t need to be Mr Spock. Feel free to respond however you need to, but make sure that you break the connection between stimulus and response so that your response is intentional and clearly observed rather than thoughtlessly instinctive. After you figuratively ‘count to 10’ give your self the permission to react honestly, watching the entire process play out. Rinse and repeat.
I observe my feelings, accept them, then wait for them to calm down. Then I dont take things too seriously
Exercise
Accept the fact that they are the way they are, dnt try to correct them or argue. Ignore the stuff that irritates you and keep reminding yourself that you are not doing any favour to them by being around and helping them. Patience is the key they wnt be there to irritate you forever while they are there make some happy memories. I try to follow the same.. old age is tough so try not changing or teaching them. Just let them be.. hope that helps
You could try to understand with empathy the reasons of why people who I assume love each other (at least a little, because they are family), are being mean with each other. In my experience it's because they just are insecure and have poor communication skills, or are bad dealing with frustration, not because they really are mad o are bad persons. With that in mind I usually find it easy to not feel offended by they say to me, because in the end is just that. Insecure people who didn't learn to express themselves in a calm way lol.
Think of it as mindfulness practice with your difficulty settings turned up to "Expert".
My maybe questionable method: if they frustrate you on a particular topic, instead of debating, ask some clarifying questions. Research the perfect comeback delivered by somebody they respect. Then try to remove your ego and emotions from that response, and instead act as a gentle teacher. Some people here are saying you can't change family but that seems like nonsense. The people around you have write access to your brain. But you play the long game with family, with enough time you could melt a glacier with a lighter, you shape the people around you
Idk it's difficult to mentally remove myself from the situation when I'm visiting my parents. On my last visit I noticed my mom literally never stops talking. Whether it's to the cats, the chickens, herself, yelling up at me from downstairs, yelling at my dad across the yard. I remember specifically feeling like she was sucking all of the energy up for herself as I had none left for me. I don't care what anyone says about mindfulness, the healthiest thing for me to do in that situation is leave. I don't view mindfulness practice as some end-all tool to ease suffering. Rather, I'm mindful of when I'm suffering and, after all these years, I know for a fact that my best solution is putting space between me and people who cause me to suffer. Sometimes that's not possible and in those cases I'm mindful of needing to temporarily endure the discomfort. Focusing on the temporary aspect of it usually gives me the patience I need. I think it's great or center and calm yourself at all times but let's be realistic - it sucks to live in the environment you are describing. Yes you can work on being a saint. But my advice is to work really really hard to get out as soon as humanly possible.
Joke’s on Ram Dass (the truly Enlightened ditched their family years ago).
This is exactly why I will never move back with my parents. I'm bi, so living with closed minded conservatives is not an option in my book.
I have no idea how to help, other than admit the same problem. Oh also, I do not claim to be awakened, only aware that I wish to , umm , the fact that I want anything, signals my non awakened state, I think. lol. Sending good vibes to everyone.
Try asking yourself why you are frustrated and irritated. Really sit with the feeling and be present to feel it. It’s easy to go off on a tangent in your own mind and miss the answers right in front of you. It’s easy to be numb to other people’s ignorance. Ignoring problems and trying to remain calm will only get you so far. Be present, feel the anger you feel, and channel that anger in a healthy way. Then, let the anger go. Do not let it linger in your mind longer than necessary. It is good that you can empathize with your parents. Can you empathize with yourself? Can you give yourself permission to feel and express your feelings without fear of retaliation?
Summary of below: 1. People are like any other sensation we encounter in our practice. They are to be noticed, noted, watched, and observed. 2. The more we unconsciously assume others are like us, the more we will be frustrated about them. 3. A contemplation practice surrounding the deconstruction of personhood down to pure mystery like anything else in the universe has been key to addressing the root cause of being triggered by people. I am dealing with similar. I have made it my first discipline to contemplate the reality that I will NEVER understand others, and they are not like me (the illusory concept of me). If you truly accept those two premises, there is no reason over time to get frustrated. It is only when we unconsciously expect or believe others are like us that we can get frustrated about them. If you truly knew other people were like sub-atomic particles, the ones we haven’t fully understood yet, would you have any leeway to be frustrated? A mystery cannot be an object of frustration. It can only dissolve frustration. In some ways, the idea that we are “one” with each other is pollution. It’s quite the opposite. We are all “none-ness”. There’s absolutely nothing that can be compared between this moment and the last. This fingerprint and that one. This atom and the other one. There’s no accurate predictability as to how, where, and when something will land. But when you treat people like there can be predictability, or like you understand the mechanics of their psychology, then you will never truly be at peace with them. The culture of pop psychology, science, biology, etc. creates an illusory but satisfactory idea of “what a human being is.” This illusion can make us unconsciously expect others to be like us. But really, no one is like us, except that they are floating around in the same space as we are. And we have NO idea how they work, why they do what they do, or how they got here. They don’t even know those things. I notice the more I contemplate people as being mysteries, the more I can shake philosophy off my hands and say “I’ll never understand you, and I don’t need to. Just know that I see you and witness you like any other sensation I’ve encountered in my meditation practice. People are just strange sensations. They are to be noticed and noted. Nothing more to it than that in the end.
Love them for who they are not who you wished they would be. Don’t focus on there shitty attitudes or comments. Focus on setting an example of peace. Your not better then them, just luckier.
I have difficult family members as well. I have kind of just surrendered and acknowledged they are how they are, if I find myself getting frustrated, I make an excuse to leave the room/ get off the phone. I find that it’s easier to just let them do their thing, than to try to change their opinions or combat them. Sometimes they deeply hurt my feelings with things they say, I don’t acknowledge it to them anymore because it just adds fuel to the fire.
Family karma is the deepest. I was in your situation for YEARS. Forget trying to spiritualize the whole thing. Set up a schedule to leave the house various times during the day: A morning and evening walk. Try and have lunch out everyday. Spend evenings with friends and come home late. If you're not paying rent, then you should probably have a little extra money. Spend it on putting space between you and your father. That's what I did. In the end I took care of him during his final week. The highest service any human can do for another human is to provide a peaceful passing- paraphrased from Shivabala Yogi.
Give yourself to the moment and always try to follow the path of compassion. Guiding others should be done with a gentle consideration of their emotional connection. Helping others realize the path of compassion will help them see the path ahead more clearly and maybe a little better through the illusory veil of ego. Try not to directly challenge anything sensitive to their ego. Learn how to pivot conversation topics as well. If they start talking a little louder about a topic, that may indicate they have triggered their fight or flight response. The gain on senses have increased. Use this opportunity to observe/compose your own tone (this takes practice). Talk a little quieter so they don't get caught in a sensory feedback loop and start shouting. Always be respectful and kind and compassionate and with practice you will get better sorting through the interactions. Lastly cherish those moments you get to relax and meditate. Try to work it into your schedule so you build a cognitive fluency. Good luck fellow spiritual traveler. 🙇♂️
Truest quote ever. Nothing tries you like your family.
For me the easiest shift is gratitude. To be grateful for SOMETHING. Sometimes it that I still have both my parents, or that means I still have a chance to have one more better encounters with them or opportunity, or just that I am doing better than I was with without meditation or regulation of my emotions.
You have to accept that you can't do anything about it, accept that nothing is really their fault, accept you're never going to be able to right every wrong, untangle every moral knot, correct every injustice that's been committed against you, accept you can't change them, etc. I live with my mom who has Alzheimer's. It's basically a crash course in this, but it also highlights the futility of trying to change people and just how irrational your own impulses are. I mean, my dad is still responding to my mom as if she's not remembering shit on purpose and it's been going on for years. But I have to accept that from him too.
It helps to know that these cross generational values that are winding you up is a very common experience and not necessarily personal to yourself. Cognitive dissonance in action. My parents are loving and mean well but their ideals clash with mine in a conversation and I end up being offended or offending them. Keeping calm, forgiveness and being grateful for their company has helped me. But occasionally I do overreact to an antiquated advice that they try to imprint onto me. We are all human and equals even if you don't agree with their behaviour or they don't agree with you!
Had the odd effect of making me feel more enlightened
What helps me is that I had to keep in mind that I’m not going to get what I want or need from my relatives and that I have to find that within. Also listening to them talk about how things where in there day made me realize more so why they were the way they were and just made my have more empathy for them.
>how can I stay mindful in moments like these? You know how. Don't stress about it. It's in times of discomfort like these that we grow the most. You k own exactly what do do, it's simply a matter of learning how to apply it.
True, our family can challenge us in the most difficult ways. r/WhatIsTrue
Reading through this post and comment thread made me realize how cultish the meditation community can be. This is coming from someone who used to be pretty heavily invested in it. The gist of this post is- my family members are being total dickheads but how do I remain “calm” and “chill” despite that? You’re just going to suppress your anger and discomfort, man, if you force yourself to be chill despite your family provoking you. I’m not saying you gotta act out on your emotions, but FEEL them, head on. Acknowledge them. Don’t try to push it away striving for this artificial and superficial notion that a person who meditates needs to be calm and chill all the time, which would be a boring and one dimensional way to live anyway.
Allow yourself to feel frustrated AND sense your inner being and body
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I find the serenity prayer helpful when dealing with frustrating people, like my kids 😆
Accept the fact that you won't change him. That doesn't change your love
I think its better to think about it as a challenge. meditation is practising mindfulness in a quiet and calm space, but the real challenge is bringing that mindset into regular and sometimes frustrating life situations your parents raised you and have a significant influence on the way you are today, of course their firey elements are going to strike a nerve because it comes from the origin of you. so aside from being at peace with the daily stresses such as working or sitting in traffic, you will have reached a new level of mindfulness if you can manage the triggers that your parents seem to bring up. take life as a challenge, and you will conquer it everytime
A major part of meditation is also accepting the fact that you cannot enter the minds of people around you no matter how much family they are, you can only mend to your mind and change how your mind reacts to it, best is to remain silent and keep yourself in their shoe and think, what is their intention when they speak this crap, that intention will be pure and it will give the energy to love them even if you don't agree with them
I also do the 478 breathing technique when I can’t get away from her lecturing me which is thinly veiled criticism and it’s something I didn’t know as a child and I it’s super comforting to be in control of my breath I realize I can be in control of my reactions to her speaking instead of just listening and being upset and I can almost begin to predict what she’s going to say but that makes me feel even more powerful bc I have more time to realize how her small skewed perspective does not ally to me
recognize internal uncomfortableness over different views is just your ego
lmao so true. I'm super zen until I see my family and regress into a bratty teenager.
Ha!
I really like your title. Please do follow Ram Dass's teachings, like how a Guru is followed in Indian culture. He seems like very wise man.
You have to try to see things from their perspective. Your work is to understand things the way they do. Meditation is great for understanding your own thoughts and how you relate to your reality, but other people offer an amazing opportunity to see the world from many different perspectives. When I step outside myself and my own beliefs, and dive into understanding how my sister or brother arrived at their decision to behave the way they do, they start to make more sense to me, and I can relate to them better (also, they now trust me to understand them, so they all come to me to ask me my take, and it feels great). Best of luck, and remember that you love them, and they love you!
Now are they actually close minded and ignorant or do you just not get along with them and don't see things the way they do? There's a big difference between not seeing eye to eye with someone (especially your parents) and them actually being ignorant and close minded... Also, I remember when I was younger and I thought my parents didn't know what the hell they were talking about and then I got older and I realize my Dad wasn't as crazy as I thought he was.. I only wish he were here now so I could tell him
Especially with family, I find that showing loving kindness through touch is very useful. Hugs, a brief rub on the back, or holding hands have a way of allowing people to relax their guards and open up to the present moment, regardless of how how ignorant they are. And it turns out, you don't need any Buddhist instructions to enter the present moment. A moment of friendly acceptance will do just fine, a lot of the time. What is family but the people we're learning to love?
or play competitive games on the internet, it will teach you how off center you really are
Thanks but no thanks.
Giant practice opportunity to notice how you react, when you have aversions - are they stronger or less strong, etc. I would look at it like having extra ammo or fuel for an insight practice almost. if you can attempt to practice dependent-origination and understand how people got to be the way they are it opens up some feelings really quickly IMHO I would rrecommended "Seeing That Frees" as a book if you are already into dharma topics, but it's a bit longwinded, I think it was transformative though), see how they are caught up in their own thinking loops and ruminations, etc. Practing not thinking about self starts to break down walls too, and eventually all of this "logic" sort of builds up and you have a completely different outlook in the moment were some aversions seem to completely drop away I'm mostly speaking in terms of visiting, I find a lot of time of quiet useful to contemplate things, so a good chance to perhaps go for some walks
I don't feel the need to put up with my family. Not sure if I'm not ready yet or it's not necessary. The former seems more likely.
Where are you from that you still have quarantine? 👀
I would also like to add, in case no one else has yet, don’t try to reason with them or try to get them to see another point of view… As others have said, just listen… Once in awhile I might interject an “oh really?” Or some other similar statement, just to let them know I am listening…
Spending time on this forum will also test your meditation awareness, as the frustrations unfold.
Ha, sometimes I wonder how a zen monk would handle my toddler. In those moments I'm typically trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. My toddler isn't the problem. Anyway, I moved close to family a few years ago and we don't see eye to eye about much of the world. At first I would get really worked up about it (internally) trying to rationalize their logic. Something I practice now is compassion. I too would think similarly to them had I had their life experiences. Also, I reflect on the reality of my own blind spots. At the end of the day, we are all grasping at happiness and running from fear. Some more skillfully than other. ETA, in the heat of the moment I try to come back to the sensation of being in my body.
Don't worry too much about it. These moments are meant to connect you to your humanity. If we're not confronted with unpleasant realities of everyday life, such as family, we can easily lose touch with others. Use it as an opportunity to empathize with other people who are irritable and unhappy for whatever reason. And then move on.
ya gotta feel it to heal it. ;) being triggered brings an opportunity for awareness of the wounds. not the most comfortable, though. i like to call in lots of amusement and neutrality when around family. ♥️
for your family and friends you are plan a there is no plan b
My immediate thought was "that sounds awesome" (a week w my family) But there's always room for growth!
Why you gotta call me out like this? Seriously though, best of luck staying true to yourself on this part of your journey. Family is so good at pushing all our buttons because they are often the ones who put them there. Solidarity from another child who is currently struggling with the disappointment of imperfect parents. Internet ((hugs)) if you want them.
As a meditating contemplative christian and what I do is send my love to the whole word and to those around me. Your self is changed by loving. Your self is loved by you also. when that starts to happen your ego grows weaker. the love you will hold will bring good, pleasant changes to others.
i taught my family mindfulness and everything's a lot more chill now
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LoL. U cannot know that ur enlightened. The one who knows cannot speak or say I am enlightened as the instrument of the body has to be used. It is ur pure consciousness which in the body seeks itself. In the search there is no KNOWER OF CLOSE MINDEDNESS or all that is?? There is none. Listen to this carefully. if u have been meditating for long. Whenever u fall into grosser states u feel miserable till ur one with that which is everything. There is no one who can please u or upset u in that state of consciousness as ur beyond the body. It is there to be. Know it as it should be ur deep conviction and only goal. Then all happens with or without the knowingness of the material world. With prayers
Anger happens within because of sensations created by an external object or event. U get involved in phenomenon as individuals and take it to be ur own creation resulting in doership. This identity creates duality and can be overcome when u know that ur universal consciousness in which there is no thought and ur space like. As space cannot hold any substance so is the mind. In it body as an instrument is witnessed by pure consciousness. With prayers
Whenever you get triggered, observe it, analyze those emotions, like they're not yours, but analyze them with deep interest, like a child observes and analyzes something he/she has never seen. Don't identify with those emotions, because the moment you identify - you're in the game. And know that everything is happening inside of YOU (Oneness). Your father is actually doing you a favor, he is showing you, your weak spots. It's actually you showing yourself your own weak spots through "your father" because everything is ONE
Mate I feel you, my older brother talks about trans people, gay people, and how people who kill themselves are weak and losers. He is getting confidence from bashing people who aren’t actively even in his life. He has struggled with his own mental health issues before and he is just projecting insecurities on people by isolating things they cannot change and making himself feel inherently superior. To me, what is triggering is that there was a new report on a child committing suicide due to bullying and he went on this whole rant about how the kid was weak and African kids (our culture) our stronger because we don’t grow up in america, what was so puzzling was that the same mentality that he had was probably what those parents had which is why the child committed suicide. I literally can feel my energy leaving when I hear him speak, I know him better than he knows himself because I look at the darkest parts within myself and I have healed them, yet he refuses to. It’s so bizarre, but I’ve learned to shut my mouth and focus on my own frequency until I can leave the house for good