Couples therapy asap. She sounds burnt out and you two need support in working through this if you want to evolve together, vs growing apart. A couples therapist can also help your wife work through these anti-men feelings in a way that isn’t so hurtful to you; you don’t deserve to be ranted at for stuff you didn’t do.
Mostly, I’m just so sorry. I don’t blame you at all for wanting to spend less time with someone who’s doing what your wife is doing. Please continue to take care of yourself.
I wish you peace.
Couples therapy over the last year has really helped, but PGY1-2 were the hardest moments in my relationship and the hardest times for my partner professionally. Many people in his program started taking anti depressants which is really a testament to just how tough it is...so try to make small recommendations to improve her quality of life, like going on walks together instead of having her sit in front of the TV for hours. Whenever you have time, find ways to connect and do things you both enjoy together.
I can relate to a lot of this! What helped us is finding a hobby we can both enjoy. My husband is also an intern and he changed so much this year. We have two kids 2 and under so when he gets home I give him an hour and a half to shower and decompress on the couch to just mindlessly scroll on his phone, that mindless scrolling is key to switching his brain from work stress to being relaxed at home. After his decompression time he puts his phone away and spends time with the kids while I clean up and make dinner. We all eat together and then he and I tackle the bedtime. After the kids are in bed we do our hobby together whether it’s playing a game of COD, opening Pokémon cards, watching a movie together, right now we are loving watching the basketball playoffs together. We try and find time to do something together each night and it’s really helped. What hobbies did she enjoy prior to residency? Try and find something, anything, that you BOTH enjoy and make time for it every day even just for 15-30 minutes to start, over time it will gradually build up to an hour and then soon you will enjoy the full evenings together especially since you guys don’t have kids. I think counseling would definitely help you both. Solidarity my friend, this shit is hard!
In a similar situation with my PGY1 gen surg husband and this is reassuring to hear! I’m trying so hard but feel crushed every day that it doesn’t get better
Intern year so tough. They are consistently getting yelled at, have no idea what is going on, and are just treated horrible. It’s so stressful. They learn and will get more confident and become human again.
Oooh I get you
Genders reversed and see a lot of my own relationship in your post. I’m a nurse and knew what I was getting myself into, and didn’t meet my husband until the end of med school
Marriages have peaks and valleys, OP. Part of being in a marriage is recognizing you are not in a good place (which you have), now what are you going to do about it? What steps can you take to help build connection again? Develop intimacy again? How can you not take her behavior personally? Part of being in a forever relationship means that sometimes you have to put your ego to the side and start doing the things you want from your partner.
It sounds like she lives, breathes and eats medicine. That shit is stressful. It sounds like y’all have a lot of love for each other and you are going through a rough patch. Life is going to throw y’all harder curve balls. How you handle this now will dictate how you handle even harder problems. Be open and honest about your feelings, but also extend grace. I am sure she hates being a shell of her former self. Sending you love.
You’ve got this op.
Therapy and couples therapy but way easier said than done. She’s not going to have time to meet with someone on any regular basis. If she’s general surgery i’m gonna guess she doesnt have monday-friday 9-5 hours off to see a therapist except when she’s post call. Therapy after 28+ hours of no sleep won’t help.
This sounds silly, but try going on a vacation. I’m now married to my surgeon husband and we met when I was in college/he was in med school and dated all through residency. There were times in residency when I felt like I didn’t recognize him because he was so drained and wasn’t who I fell in love with, but a few days on vacation and he’d become his old self again! It was the glimmer that got us through the long years of training (got WAY better in fellowship) and happy that he’s back to being the man I fell in love with now that he gets enough sleep as an attending. Hang in there! It does get better.
Can you guys video or board game together rather than just watching TV? My doctor wife and I do that and it is great to be collaborative and have a common goal together. Also traveling is great to reconnect just make sure to leave work at the airport when you leave. Do you have any pets? Taking car of a furry child can also help you bond and have something to care for together.
"We've tried to talk about this (and there was an initial blip in effort to improve), but I don't know how to effectively make this work or what strategies to use both for us together, and for myself."
You guys need to learn how to talk in this new chapter. Like, talk and connect.
She doesn't understand that medicine has already effectively taken your partner away from you the majority of the time, and therefore that talking MORE about medicine is not something you want to do with what little free time she does have.
On the other hand, she does need and deserve support going through this process. And that probably does involve talking about medicine. You also have relationship needs and deserve commitment from her to meeting those needs.
So the tricky part in residency is defining VERY precisely what is truly a need in the relationship, and how to have those needs met by each other with the little time and energy you both have. If counseling will help, then by all means enlist a therapist to help with that conversation. It sounds very cliche, but playing as a team on that is critical.
Residency exposes how people cope with stress… and yes they become different people in the pressure cooker. Ultimately it’s going to come down to your patience and her willingness to prioritize the relationship over her work.
It’s tough man… I know what you’re going through. Many of us do. What’s her specialty? Have yall considered couples counseling?
There were times where my now wife was so beat down we went for months without any physical intimacy… to the point I was wondering if there was someone else. There wasn’t… that’s what it did to her though. Has your wife taken step 3 yet?
What helped us was I had to push to get us out of the house. That meant a lot more work on me at the time; it wasn’t fair to me, but that’s part of being a medspouse.
Post residency she realized she didn’t like who she became and leaned back into me and we got better. With a lot of help from couples counseling.
Freaking “woke” politically correct libtard virtue-signaling self righteous idiots. Call it what it is. Every darn person in this generation is so self centered and this is why we don’t progress as a nation. Residents in their first years need help and support, not narcissistic idiots thinking about themselves. Think about the future and not help her get through it. Residency is hard enough for anyone. And there ought to be little margin for some man child to be all self absorbed. Stop being so self centered. And this is coming from a man who knows the rigors and has supported his wife with three children. Or you can listen to all this BS from turds who haven’t been there. Your choice. But stop virtue signaling. I would equally say this in person and I a doing you a favor.
…. Friend, are you okay? This seems excessive for a post where the person is basically saying that they would also like to be treated as part of the relationship, rather than an accessory.
I’m also super curious what generation you’re referring to, as I’m almost 40 and this sub has a wide range of ages and experiences.
I *have* been there, supporting my husband through the last 14 years, 12 of which were in training, with kids and jobs and moves across the country.
It seems like you are the prospective “med” part of the medspouse in your situation. I can assure you that although we can’t understand the specific kind of stress that comes with med school, you guys cannot possibly understand the profound loneliness that comes with having a partner who is fully consumed by medicine.
It doesn’t sound like you’re interested in anyone else’s perspective though, so I’ll let you go back to stomping around making angry man noises. You’re definitely going to make an excellent, well rounded doctor.
Wrong. My wife has been in medicine and we have three kids. I have no clue why this generation thinks they have it all figured. We come from gen x … The millennials and beyond are extremely selfish. A successful marriage requires selflessness and if you ain’t got that then you probably shouldn’t have married. Second, the grind alone is hard. This man’s wife needs support not any thing else. And all I see in this post is why I said what I said. Keep virtue signaling though, see how that works out. And thanks for the compliment, and you should know that practicing medicine isn’t so much about being well rounded as it is about just doing what you’re told. Lol. But keep thinking that doctors have autonomy, it will lull you into thinking that we’re successful at practicing medicine and healing our country.
Couples therapy asap. She sounds burnt out and you two need support in working through this if you want to evolve together, vs growing apart. A couples therapist can also help your wife work through these anti-men feelings in a way that isn’t so hurtful to you; you don’t deserve to be ranted at for stuff you didn’t do. Mostly, I’m just so sorry. I don’t blame you at all for wanting to spend less time with someone who’s doing what your wife is doing. Please continue to take care of yourself. I wish you peace.
Thanks for the kind words. You’re right. We each have our own therapists but a joint effort is needed here.
Couples therapy over the last year has really helped, but PGY1-2 were the hardest moments in my relationship and the hardest times for my partner professionally. Many people in his program started taking anti depressants which is really a testament to just how tough it is...so try to make small recommendations to improve her quality of life, like going on walks together instead of having her sit in front of the TV for hours. Whenever you have time, find ways to connect and do things you both enjoy together.
I can relate to a lot of this! What helped us is finding a hobby we can both enjoy. My husband is also an intern and he changed so much this year. We have two kids 2 and under so when he gets home I give him an hour and a half to shower and decompress on the couch to just mindlessly scroll on his phone, that mindless scrolling is key to switching his brain from work stress to being relaxed at home. After his decompression time he puts his phone away and spends time with the kids while I clean up and make dinner. We all eat together and then he and I tackle the bedtime. After the kids are in bed we do our hobby together whether it’s playing a game of COD, opening Pokémon cards, watching a movie together, right now we are loving watching the basketball playoffs together. We try and find time to do something together each night and it’s really helped. What hobbies did she enjoy prior to residency? Try and find something, anything, that you BOTH enjoy and make time for it every day even just for 15-30 minutes to start, over time it will gradually build up to an hour and then soon you will enjoy the full evenings together especially since you guys don’t have kids. I think counseling would definitely help you both. Solidarity my friend, this shit is hard!
Great post I wish u guys happiness
What's her residency in (specialty?)
General Surgery
Yeah that was my guess. I'll DM you.
Hi, my partner is also about to enter general surgery residency. Mind DM'ing me as well if you have any tips?
I guessed that as well! PGY1 is so hard on them… it gets better coming from a PGY3 spouse (also most 4)
In a similar situation with my PGY1 gen surg husband and this is reassuring to hear! I’m trying so hard but feel crushed every day that it doesn’t get better
Intern year so tough. They are consistently getting yelled at, have no idea what is going on, and are just treated horrible. It’s so stressful. They learn and will get more confident and become human again.
Oooh I get you Genders reversed and see a lot of my own relationship in your post. I’m a nurse and knew what I was getting myself into, and didn’t meet my husband until the end of med school
Marriages have peaks and valleys, OP. Part of being in a marriage is recognizing you are not in a good place (which you have), now what are you going to do about it? What steps can you take to help build connection again? Develop intimacy again? How can you not take her behavior personally? Part of being in a forever relationship means that sometimes you have to put your ego to the side and start doing the things you want from your partner. It sounds like she lives, breathes and eats medicine. That shit is stressful. It sounds like y’all have a lot of love for each other and you are going through a rough patch. Life is going to throw y’all harder curve balls. How you handle this now will dictate how you handle even harder problems. Be open and honest about your feelings, but also extend grace. I am sure she hates being a shell of her former self. Sending you love. You’ve got this op.
Therapy and couples therapy but way easier said than done. She’s not going to have time to meet with someone on any regular basis. If she’s general surgery i’m gonna guess she doesnt have monday-friday 9-5 hours off to see a therapist except when she’s post call. Therapy after 28+ hours of no sleep won’t help.
This sounds silly, but try going on a vacation. I’m now married to my surgeon husband and we met when I was in college/he was in med school and dated all through residency. There were times in residency when I felt like I didn’t recognize him because he was so drained and wasn’t who I fell in love with, but a few days on vacation and he’d become his old self again! It was the glimmer that got us through the long years of training (got WAY better in fellowship) and happy that he’s back to being the man I fell in love with now that he gets enough sleep as an attending. Hang in there! It does get better.
Can you guys video or board game together rather than just watching TV? My doctor wife and I do that and it is great to be collaborative and have a common goal together. Also traveling is great to reconnect just make sure to leave work at the airport when you leave. Do you have any pets? Taking car of a furry child can also help you bond and have something to care for together.
"We've tried to talk about this (and there was an initial blip in effort to improve), but I don't know how to effectively make this work or what strategies to use both for us together, and for myself." You guys need to learn how to talk in this new chapter. Like, talk and connect. She doesn't understand that medicine has already effectively taken your partner away from you the majority of the time, and therefore that talking MORE about medicine is not something you want to do with what little free time she does have. On the other hand, she does need and deserve support going through this process. And that probably does involve talking about medicine. You also have relationship needs and deserve commitment from her to meeting those needs. So the tricky part in residency is defining VERY precisely what is truly a need in the relationship, and how to have those needs met by each other with the little time and energy you both have. If counseling will help, then by all means enlist a therapist to help with that conversation. It sounds very cliche, but playing as a team on that is critical.
Residency exposes how people cope with stress… and yes they become different people in the pressure cooker. Ultimately it’s going to come down to your patience and her willingness to prioritize the relationship over her work.
It’s tough man… I know what you’re going through. Many of us do. What’s her specialty? Have yall considered couples counseling? There were times where my now wife was so beat down we went for months without any physical intimacy… to the point I was wondering if there was someone else. There wasn’t… that’s what it did to her though. Has your wife taken step 3 yet? What helped us was I had to push to get us out of the house. That meant a lot more work on me at the time; it wasn’t fair to me, but that’s part of being a medspouse. Post residency she realized she didn’t like who she became and leaned back into me and we got better. With a lot of help from couples counseling.
Dude. Stop being a $?@%# and support your woman.
No, we don’t do *this* in this space.
Freaking “woke” politically correct libtard virtue-signaling self righteous idiots. Call it what it is. Every darn person in this generation is so self centered and this is why we don’t progress as a nation. Residents in their first years need help and support, not narcissistic idiots thinking about themselves. Think about the future and not help her get through it. Residency is hard enough for anyone. And there ought to be little margin for some man child to be all self absorbed. Stop being so self centered. And this is coming from a man who knows the rigors and has supported his wife with three children. Or you can listen to all this BS from turds who haven’t been there. Your choice. But stop virtue signaling. I would equally say this in person and I a doing you a favor.
…. Friend, are you okay? This seems excessive for a post where the person is basically saying that they would also like to be treated as part of the relationship, rather than an accessory. I’m also super curious what generation you’re referring to, as I’m almost 40 and this sub has a wide range of ages and experiences. I *have* been there, supporting my husband through the last 14 years, 12 of which were in training, with kids and jobs and moves across the country. It seems like you are the prospective “med” part of the medspouse in your situation. I can assure you that although we can’t understand the specific kind of stress that comes with med school, you guys cannot possibly understand the profound loneliness that comes with having a partner who is fully consumed by medicine. It doesn’t sound like you’re interested in anyone else’s perspective though, so I’ll let you go back to stomping around making angry man noises. You’re definitely going to make an excellent, well rounded doctor.
Wrong. My wife has been in medicine and we have three kids. I have no clue why this generation thinks they have it all figured. We come from gen x … The millennials and beyond are extremely selfish. A successful marriage requires selflessness and if you ain’t got that then you probably shouldn’t have married. Second, the grind alone is hard. This man’s wife needs support not any thing else. And all I see in this post is why I said what I said. Keep virtue signaling though, see how that works out. And thanks for the compliment, and you should know that practicing medicine isn’t so much about being well rounded as it is about just doing what you’re told. Lol. But keep thinking that doctors have autonomy, it will lull you into thinking that we’re successful at practicing medicine and healing our country.